subtle

this is my 475 blog entry. have you read every one? that's quite the accomplishment.

well i feel like i just stuck my foot in my mouth with my mom. that's the first time that's ever happened and it's left me feeling like a jerk.

anyway...

this morning i got up nice and early to get ready for my influx of visitors for lunch. in doing so i discovered i only have 4 spoons. which normally wouldn't be a big deal, but i was expecting 5 guest and myself – so 6 eaters. i stopped at next on the way to rustle and borrowed two spoons from the kitchen. which i ended up not needing because joelle and caleb didn't have any soup. i have to admit i pulled together a nice spread. joy brought soup and i provided everything else. i think they were quite surprised by how grown-up i am. we had a good time and the kids LOVED fru. he handled them pretty well, although he's used to being harassed and having his tail pulled by me and melinda.

my mom stayed after the olding's left and we chatted for a while. i was aware of my aggressive rants and my strong statements. it bothered me some. i'm really not that harsh and judgmental, why did i do that i wonder? the sad truth is that i don't think i wanted to be vulnerable to her. i don't want her to know that i'm scared and that i'm struggling to reconcile to myself my current situation. that bothers me, but i wasn't expecting her to stay, nor was i prepared to talk about my problems. so i guess i was just ranting about everything else as diversion tactic.

this is us around my "dinning table", i find it kind of funny that the walls are so bare, its just the angle the picture was taken from. because my kitchen is quite an interesting room! for example, i have 41 postcards covering the cabinets! at one point tim said "i just like looking around and seeing all the stuff in les' apartment.... like what's that?!?"

i went to rustle this morning. i'll have to go again another time, i find my first time at a church i'm very distracted by "what's this? who's that? what's gonna happen next?" it was good times, it was nice seeing all the rustlers, i've missed them. rustle has a really nice community feel, there's a real advantage to a small church because everyone can interact, and no one can just blend into the background. it's too bad the next vs. rustle hockey game took place today after church because i couldn't go. i would've played fearlessly and body checked that al doseger guy.

i'm so scared about the future and i wanna talk to you.