gap

i'm really tired. its been a busy day.

i did an employee survey today at work. they grouped us alphabetically. i ended up in the same group as argo (for those of you who don't remember, argo is the 50 something year old man who kept trying to get me to have an affair with him), i was amused by the fact that he said hi to everyone but me. the survey went well, and i was pleasantly surprised to discover how happy i am with my job. i just wish we were busier these days and i had more to challenge me. next week i'm going to toronto for a day to go to the CUTA (Canadian Urban Transit Association) exhibition. i'm pretty excited about that. so that's tuesday.

after work i hung out with david. we ate pomegranates and looked at my pictures from kenya. i wore black, he wore an apron. i feel like i talked his ear off the entire evening, stories of my life – from stitches to my parents split. whoa, that was a lopsided conversation, however i did hear recently that women talk twice as much as men. so i shouldn't feel too bad. besides, i don't THINK he was bored – i'm a pretty animated story teller.

we went to the brew pub to meet up with helen & terrence and bumped into al & gang. that was fun too, but then i had to jet to rhonda's for greys. melissa & laney... i missed having you there. linds, it was lovely having your company.

out with it. the truth can't be more awkward. am i'm holding back? i guess i am. even though i said i wouldn't. only because telling the truth will lead down paths i've already been. you don't want to go there again. or at least i don't want to. i can only be reminded so many times. you've got to show me i won't get the same response. sometimes i feel like i could wait forever, but only if i'm not waiting in vain.

dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free.

cheeky

ah crap! i haven't been checking my voicemail messages because i thought my dad was the only person who calls me, but it turns out i keep missing calls from europe. i'm retarded.

frig, watching the tv sure eats up a lot of your time. i SHOULD have been working on the standard this evening, BUT instead i watched the tape of missed shows. argh. i'm kind of annoyed at myself. oh well.

so. hmm. ok so like.... i don't know. wow, its been a relatively boring day! i don't have a lot to say! maybe i'll dig out an entry from my plog again. hmm, i can't find a really great entry. maybe i'll just compile a number of single paragraphs:
• my bathroom has no mirror. i haven't seen my reflection in 2 days. its sort of an odd feeling.
• i'm getting a sinus headache from caffine withdrawl. they drink chai tea here. everywhere "chai" this and "chai" that.
• you know what's funny? there's a butcher shop called "jed's garage".
• they have these purple trees. they're beautiful.
• sometimes i laugh at inappropriate times.
• i never thought i'd be listening to "play that funky music white boy" in kenya.
• unfortunately, kenya smells funny.
• i'd forgotten how much i like simon and garfunkel.
• i broke the poenaru's toilet seat. oops. my bad.

hahahha. that was fun.
ok and for more amusement, i put together the below little video :)

please don't confront me with my failures,
i have not forgotten them.

electric blanket

well i had a fun evening. we went out for joy's birthday, it was quite a hoot. i love my family, its small but mighty. we had a good laugh about tim finding a cure for female prostate cancer (apparently not everyone knows that women don't have a prostate – joy and tim included!). it was nice because my WHOLE family was there, my dad too. since he left, he's never come to our birthday celebrations. i've wondered about this in the past, its felt awkward telling him about it afterward. so i was happy to hear he was coming, my mom told me with a groan. i said "oh that's good" she said "grrr, good for you girls – he's making up for lost time". i told her "watch your attitude" and she said "no i really mean that" but he tone spoke volumes. let me tell you... if you're a single parent, watch what you say around your children, their opinion of the other parent will be formed on their own – it should never be tainted by your feelings. that's a problem i've had in the past, my mom confided in us WAY too much and it badly damaged my relationship with my dad for many years. my mom baked a birthday cake for joy which totally shocked me because i swear she hasn't baked a cake in 15 years!!

i'm feeling much encouraged about the whole issue of kids. and i actually really am very content in my present state, i'll try to not let that get to me.

i wonder why you're not responding to my emails. i feel bad. is it something i said?

well i think the biggest news of my day is that i've started using my gmail account. ya. funny that. you want to know what finally convinced me? stupid hotmail changed how it works and i don't like the new set up. i like the gmail notifier, it saves me checking my email a million times a day. so eventually, i'll get a round to distributing my new email address. in the meantime i've redirected my blog comments to that account.

hm, just because i'm intimidated and a little jealous doesn't mean i'll be unfriendly.

i'm kind of tired and i'm cold. i'm going to get into my pjs and watch gilmore girls at 10. melissa taped a bunch of shows for me while i was away and i've been spending time getting caught up.

hmm, i think i'll insert another picture. what will it be today....
this is me working on the new intel imacs at rva (rift valley academy). i used adobe indesign, which i'd have to admit IS a beautiful program. i fell for it immediately. i also used iweb to design my very first website which was loads of fun. in this picture i'm working on a logo for the hosptial. my sister laughed when she first saw this photo and said "lesley poses and takes these pictures" its true, i do, but they're much more interesting and natural looking then me sitting there smiling oddly at the camera.

ok pj time.

there but for the grace of you go i.

pomegranates :)

you know... i don't think i can handle this bouncing back and forth very well. this is a unique problem and not one i should complain about.

i received mail from france today. it was one of those classic moments when you hold the envelop to your chest. i've got a number of things i need to send out in the mail. i should really get on that.

i wonder... do you have to be straight-forward for things to go straight-forward? because my sister is really stable and everything goes smoothly for her. i'm very random and sporadic person. does this explain why my life is random and sporadic?

devious one – i wish you were here. we could go to the movies.

i'm passive aggressive. i totally am. i'm feeling spiteful. i was going to say today, but no its really only this last hour. and i shouldn't. i should be understanding. since i actually do understand, but i'm spiteful just the same. can't even imagine how livid i'll be tomorrow morning. being prepared doesn't even prepare me.

ok well i'll just admit it, my sister is turning 30 tomorrow and its causing me to look at my own mortality. hahaha. just kidding. not mortality, but my own aging. because i'm next in line. it first goes tim, then joy, then me. i'm freaked out and i know why. i'm going to tell you even though i'm kind of embarrassed. i know i don't look 26 (about to turn 27), i know i don't act 27, but the truth is... i AM biologically 27. and i'm scared that by the time i'm emotionally ready and have met the right person, it'll be too late for me to have kids. there. there it is. now, before you console me by saying "you can adopt", that's true and i'm sure that would be an awesome experience, but i'd still like it to be my own decision and not because i have no other options. if there was no expiry date on having kids, i don't think aging would bother me at all. and to clarify, i'm frickin relieved i have no kids right now. uh-oh, i'm about to fall down the spiral staircase of "why do the number of fabulous single women out number the number of fabulous single men". look at me, i have no right to be complaining about that because i like two guys at once. hahahaha, but truth be known, neither are emotionally available to me, so i'm no further ahead.

ok in other news... did i tell you i rode a motorcycle when i was in kenya? i rode home with daniel from rva one night. it was totally awesome. in kenya, the slang is "piggy". you ride a piggy. i'd never been on a motorcycle before. it IS totally fun. ooooh vespa, here i come :)

you make me totally insane. i'm not sure if it'll ever wear off. but the truth is i wouldn't want it any other way.

i need a hug. a frickin good one. the kind that lasts til 4 in the morning.

i fall on the floor and i'm laughing.

H2O

hmmm. i don't know what to think. i have no idea what's going on. unfortunately, i think i know things are never going to change. i'm torn between feelings of exhilaration and disappointment.

i wish i knew what was going on in your head. is there's an invisible force field between us?

i think i struggle when things are outside my ability to change. i don't think i'm a control freak so that's not what it is. its more like i want something to change or happen, but it can't be forced. unfortunately, i don't think it can even be coaxed. oooh, its tough.

i used to really suck at mixing my friends, i'm sure i'm still kind of crappy at it, but i'd really like to learn to do that more. i liked watching you talk today. it meant a lot to me to see my two friends bonding in that way.

i'm discouraged about living room. one person said something that really discouraged me, although there was someone else that said something that really encouraged me. so i guess i should just focus on the upside.

melinda... we're totally in the same life-raft.

i'd kind of like to create a blog where everyone could post unsent love letters. it wouldn't change the world, perhaps it wouldn't make a difference at all. but i think we all need a mountain to yell from. so for the record... i think you're lovely.

i think i'll buy me a spaghetti-squash tomorrow. i think i should go to bed. i'm a little embarrassed.

after changes upon changes, we are more or less the same.

tornado

so how many of you forgot to change your clocks? i bet i'll forget.

i'm pretty tired. what's up with that, i slept til 12:30 this "morning".

i'm very much divided lately. you have no idea how often i want conflicting things at once. part of me really wants to clarify something that has most likely gone unnoticed by most people, but i'm reluctant. are you ready? there are two hims.

this afternoon i watched an entire movie on mute and didn't even notice. hahahaa. it wasn't until the end did rhonda point it out and i realized that's why i had to keep guessing at what was going on.

there's just not enough time in the day for everything i'd like to do.

i saw your bus driver at the screening room tonight. his hair has grown a little longer and wavey.

i know now that everyone will have their opinion. and i'm no longer consumed by letting their thoughts dilute my own experience.

have i become jaded or simply realistic? have i grown callused or mature?

my eyes are wide open. will they soon become foggy? i hope not. i hope so.

it sways softly. it sways smoothly. in time with the music.

i'm in the mood for some internet snooping. but there's no one to stalk.

i'm just talking crap in this entry, it doesn't matter. its saturday night and no one will read this til monday anyway.

you never know, it could be great.

dangly

well the place isn't in tip-top shape but its presentable. my room is pretty messy but better than before and the dishes are piling up in the kitchen, but the rest of the house is clean. yay!

i have a fear of giving birth to conjoined twins. yes, i realize that's preposterous, but still its true.

i'm kind of too tired to write an entry tonight. maybe i'll show you another picture. what should i show you tonight?? this is a toilet, also knows as a hole in the ground. now, to clarify, not all toilets look like this (some are actually made by royal doulton). this is at a service station on the way home from eburru. dan and dita are involved in this church plant on the top of a mountain about 2 hours away from kijabe. its very remote and isolated. the church was obviously very different than anything i've ever experienced before. in a way it was like "next church africa". the whole service was in swahili, so obviously my participation was limited, but i did sit and stand at the appropriate times AND i bobbed up and down with everyone else during the music. dita introduced me and asked me to say a few words, then paster jenga translated. it was fun. my experience in eburru is the prime example of my overall feeling about kenya, i really liked it but didn't feel at home there.

now, i can't think of anything else to say about that day, so let me dig out my plog (my Paper bLOG) that i journaled in while i was away...
"anyway, we went to church in eburru, which is a tiny village on top of a mountain. the people there are extremely poor. i can't imagine. its funny the clothes they wear, some are mismatched, and others wear these gowns they must have received from a north american company – second hand. they look like bridesmaids dresses from the 80s or early 90s. its interesting that going to church is the big event to pull our your gown for.
they all have no hair, boys & girls, men & women alike. its really, really short. the kids would stare at me, one baby would cry fiercely whenever he saw me. oh dear. often i'd feel a little hand on my back and turn to find a shy little kid pull away, they'd been touching my hair. its long and so straight.
the drive there and back was an advernture. we saw the usual, donkeys grazing right beside the highway (you've got to watch out because they wander onto the road), sheep, crazy traffic. but we also saw zebras, baboons (thought of jay), impalas and storks!"

hmm, i should show you a picture of the church. here you go...

for those of you who are interested about kijabe hospital, here's a link to their website. right here.

gwen stefani makes me think of dancing with you.

ok, i'm signing off. take it away simon and garfunkel...

i've squandered my resistance for a pocketful of mumbles, such are promises.

neocitran

why is it cops always ride you tail before pulling you over? yup, that's right, i got pulled over by a cop on my way home tonight. i ran a stop sign, AND was PROBABLY speeding. he left me off with a warning. he DID ask me if i'd been drinking because i was kind of slurring my speech as a result of my new cold. which by the way, is probably my 6th cold of the year, i'm thinking my influx of colds is related to my nose ring. i've never had so many colds before.

part of me wonders if i'll grow tired of telling the same stories over and over again. you know, about my trip to africa. i told my family the big long story on tuesday night and i think that each time i re-tell it the tales will become shorter until i simply brush it off by saying "ya, it was neat". i hope that's not the case, for the sake of the person asking, but if it does, please excuse me. here's the picture i was going to show you yesterday, this is "hell's gate" national park. they have this poster, its hand drawn at the front gate, it boasts "elephants have been seen at hell's gate at least 3 times!!!" that totally cracked me up. hahahahaha. our guide told use a "documentary called 'the lion king' was filmed there" there's all these poles sticking out of the ground left by the camera crew. i think he was confused, i have a feeling they filmed there and then drew scenes for the lion king from the footage. i'm all wanting to watch that movie, does anymore own it and is willing to lend it to me??

i woke up today hoping my broken washing machine had been a bad dream. it wasn't. i decided to call a repairman and made an appointment. it can't be fixed, so now the washing machine that previously belonged to the maxi pad is sitting outside my front door. i guess i should just embrace the "laundromat lifestyle". maybe it will be good, i can go one fixed night each week, take a book or a crossword puzzle, maybe meet up with little r and we can do our darks and lights together. actually, i'm really leaning towards a "wash & fold service".

i wonder why pants are plural and a shirt is singluar? because you have two legs, and (if you're lucky) two arms.

ok, i'm really sick so i should go to bed.

all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity.

house by the sea

i was just thinking (i know, its dangerous to be thinking this early in the morning, it'll make me late for work)....

"let what comes out of your mouth be the true message of your heart" – don't say things that you only just kind of mean. don't say things that will mislead people because you've only told part of the truth. its annoying.

btw: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! today pspd is one year old :)

yak

ARGH!!! my washing machine broke this evening!! it flooded my floor and leaked into my neighbours apartment!! to my disappointment my landlord's crazy mother won't replace it but will just remove it. i'm sooooo disappointed, as much as i love the maxipad, i wouldn't have taken a place that had no laundry. ohhh, what am i gonna do!!?! i had a housemate once that washed her clothes in the bathtub to avoid paying for laundry. i might just do that, it would be easier than lugging my clothes to the mat for the next few years.

NOOOO! i think i'm having an allergic reaction to pomegranates!!! those of you who have been visiting pspd since its inception, will know about my love affair with pomegranates. today in the grocery store my eyes lit up like i'd seen my one true love when i spotted them. it was a glorious moment.

so.... i finally caved and got a gmail account. but i'm not going to use it. nor am i going to tell you what the address is. its a 'just in case' thing. i regret not getting 'yelsel' as my address back when melinda suggested it in 2005, because its no longer available :(

ok so what should i tell you today about kenya today? i wanted to show you a picture from my trip to "hell's gate" national park, but blogger isn't working properly. so what can i tell you without visual aids??? umm, i don't know. sorry. oh how about... kenya is the size of ontario with the population of canada. they drive on the left side of the road and drive like maniacs. one night dan was reading the paper and said "here's a headline you only see in africa 'woman killed by 3 elephants' " and i started laughing hysterically. dita said "that's not funny" and i felt really bad, but it was how dan forwarded that made me laugh so hard. i have to suppress my laughter even now! i ate goat, i found that interesting that i was eating goat instead of AT the goat.

i feel badly because i had melissa over this evening and feel like i complained the entire time. but in my defense, she did arrive just as my laundry machine broke and i discovered i had no kraft dinner. i've been craving kraft dinner and ketchup chips (not together) since kenya and was disappointed to realize me and the frenchman ate my last box before i left. sorry melissa, i really did enjoy our visit :) sometimes its better not to crack open that can of worms after i decided to bury the hatchet.

ok well i'm going to go empty my laundry machine for the very last time and get into my warm jammies. on the bright side i did get ONE thing done tonight – put plastic on my window so its so much warmer in here now.

let the morning time drop all its petals on me.

connection

today i slammed 4 out of 5 fingers in my car door. oh my goodness it hurt so badly. i could have fainted. i wanted to scream and yell, but there was a guy about 10 feet from my car so i tried to stay calm. i told myself "just cry, it'll make it hurt less", but i just couldn't, my body was in utter shock i couldn't do anything.

tonight i went to my sister's for dinner and spent the evening with my whole family. it was typical mcknight chaotic. i have to admit it was a little frustrating – us all talking at once, but it was mostly the fault of the kids, so they weren't TRYING to be rude. it was fun, it was nice debriefing about my trip.

so what should i tell you today? ugh i'm tired. let me insert a photo, it will help me come up with a story to share...
i like this picture, its so... "i'm in africa". hahaha. so yes, it was totally beautiful. behind my head is mt. longonot (its an inactive volcano that last errupted in the late 1800s) and the great rift valley. this pic might appear rather dark for all pc users, sorry about that. i'm going to upload my pictures soon. i have over a hundred. but not right now.

ok so as you can see, i'm wearing my button necklace. i was totally kicking myself at first for forgetting to take the left over buttons so i could make some for the kids, but i ended so busy with design stuff that i wouldn't have had the opportunity anyway. the hospital was really neat. all the parents stay at the hospital, and actually share the bed with their kids, so instead of 4 patients to a room, there's actually 8 people! you'd see a little bump on a bed and it was actually a baby since they don't have cribs, little babies sleep on regular beds bundled up. there are a LOT of somali patients, they're easy to identify because they wear hospital sheets as burkas (muslim coverings for women).

everyone in kenya (probably africa) shakes hands everytime they greet someone. everyone. dita and i were walking through the dukas (dukas are like little shacks that are like the local corner store. a super duka is like a grocery store), and past a group of toddlers, and they all came up to us to shake our hands. it was so adorable. at the dukas there's a butcher shop called "jed's garage" which i thought was frickin hilarious. hahahahaha. jed's garage. haha.

ok well i'm cold and tired so i'm going to go dig my pjs out of my "winter clothes" garbage bag and get ready for beddy.

all roads lead to where you are.

ha-baa-dee

dear diary,
it has been 2 weeks since my last entry. i went to africa...

i'm home. i'm exhausted. what can i say in this brief entry? how can i sum up my 2 weeks in kenya. well... if i had to choose just one word, i'd say "bittersweet". it truly was bittersweet. kenya is amazingly beautiful. i don't think you could have prepared me for the awe i felt for the mountains, or the purple trees, it was beautiful. it was harder than i thought it would be going alone, i don't think i was prepared for that either. i was homesick, i was lonely.

i did make one friend, victor, who went to queen's. the first time we met, we established we both know terrence which made me laugh so hard considering we were in the middle of no where in kenya! when he returns i'll take him on his maiden voyage to the sleepless goat. i know! he went to queen's and has never been there! someone told him it was "hippy" and he wasn't sure what that meant.

what did i do when i was there? i ended up doing graphic design for the hospital. when they heard a graphic designer when coming, they kept putting aside things for me to do, so in the end, i worked on 3 brochures, 2 logos and a website. it was nice to use my specific skills to help out. that's exactly what being part of a body is.

my clothes are so dusty. and they smell like kijabe (kijabe isn't some kind of kenya food, its the village i was living in. it has a distinct smell, i thought it was all of kenya, but its not, its just kijabe). i felt like some kind of crazy adventurer when i picked up my dust covered suitcase at lester pearson, wearing dusty clothes. i hope everything in my suitcase isn't broken, but i'm not going to open it tonight. all my clothes are dusty anyway.

frig, its cold here. kijabe is like june all year.

oooh, i hope i don't get malaria on account of the fact that i stopped taking my anti-malaria pills because they were making me horribly sick. yes, i did consult someone before quiting them. she told me the symptoms of malaria, so they might appear in 3 weeks. we'll have to wait and see.

i've missed you guys. not pspd, but the people behind pspd. i thought of you often, what i wanted to tell you. hmm, who will be the first commenter i wonder ;)

ok well i should go to bed. i wish you weren't not here.

brief entry my ass....

we've come a long long way together,
thru the hardtimes and the good.
i have to celebrate you baby,
i have to praise you like i should.

knapsack

well... take a good look folks, because she sets sail tomorrow.

this is a pic of me as i finish packing up for my crazy trip abroad. did i say crazy? i meant exciting :)

its thanksgiving weekend 2006, and i can't help reflect on years past. there's something about thanksgiving that i can remember back to what i did for thanksgiving for the last 5 years or something, and am always amazed at how drastically different each year is. and how the year before i had no idea how different the next year would be. so here it is... my list of thanksgivings past (starting at this year):
2006 – leaving for kenya
2005 – leslie' wedding in owen sound.
2004 – living with melinder, JUST broken out of my depression.
2003 – just recovered from mono and spent thanksgiving with "the one we do not mention"'s family.
2002 – thanksgiving with matt and the harts in picton.
2001 – living with bonnie and leslie in toronto.

so i can't help but wonder... what i'll be doing this time next year. what events will spring up that i'll find myself saying "wow! one year ago, i had NO idea this was going to happen".

do you ever feel like your mind and your body live in two different circles? its strange to me because i always think my mind controls my body, but i kind of think it sometimes goes the other way. for example: tomorrow i will wake up. probably groan as i hit my alarm clock and roll out of bed. i will go through the motions of getting dressed and throwing last minute things into my suitcase. then i will get in a car with ben and kim to drive to toronto. i will do all this because this is what i'm supposed to do on this day, but in reality, i'm completely oblivious to what's actually taking place. i almost feel like "i'm not going to kenya, but i play a person who's going to kenya on tv". you know what fascinates me? that the same sky flies over kijabe. i'm looking forward to seeing the moon from that side of the world and knowing it rises over kingston too.

my mom gave me a really beautiful card today. she told me how proud she is of me and that i'm the apple of her eye. i'm so thankful (now isn't that appropriate ;) ) because so many people have been supportive and excited for me. i go with the confidence of the people who stand behind me, i carry with me their thoughts and prayers. it's so amazing. thanks guys, i love ya and will be thinking of you :) bye (for now)

so i took a deep breath and became the white girl with the hair.

unabridged

whoa, i've really been slacking off in the pspd area of my life lately. however, its the weekend and visitors don't frequent very frequently on weekends.

so i've been thinking lately, no, let me rephrase that... i've been reminded recently how crappy i am at talking face-to-face with people. i would rather talk on msn about "big scary topics" than in person. i shy away from confrontation in "real life". one of my friends who i've been unusually bold with over email has told me several times that i'm "just a foward person". however, he doesn't realize i'm not normally like that. i'm not even sure how i feel about being perceived that way, because it's really not like me.

i picked up some book tapes at the library today. it was tricky because all the book tapes that interstd me were only about 2 tapes long which really wouldn't last very long. i calculated up my "idle time" in the airports and it amounts to the sum of 20 hours. in the end i got 3 books – Miss Wyoming by Douglas Coupland, Grace Alias by Margaret Atwood, 1984 by Orson Wells. 1984 is like 7 tapes long. i hope my batteries last the whole time. i suppose i can buy some at an airport store, but i have this thing about desposing of batteries, i never know the best way of doing that. i'm sneaky, i started taking them to work and leaving them there – now they're someone elses problem ;) i love how old school having a tape player will make me.

i'm finding i have quite a lot of room in my backpack which is strange and unexpected. man, what i am i forgetting?!? i think my suitcase is 23 kg/50 lbs. i wonder if that's ok.

i'm high enough from all the waiting to ride a wave on your inhaling.

disco

couple things...

i wore mittens today for the first time. i hate the cold.

i had a lovely time with melissa at the goat tonight for dinner, and an enjoyable time watching grey's at rhonda's with lissa, little r and linds. i got a little dozy, but i'm persevering to bring you this entry in order to dispell rumours ;)

i wish i had something deep and profound to say.

i love that i totally gorged on junk food tonight. i figure it'll all balance out after 2 weeks in kenya.

i don't think i'll ever look at the stairway the same again.

melissa gave a book by bishop tutu called "prayers for africa" or something. neato! we also tracked down a book of fill-in crossword puzzles after going to 3 stores. i have a problem and i need my fill-ins. after listening to rhonda read to isaac, i feel inspired to get a book tape to bring for the journey. frank is taking tomorrow off, so i said good-bye to him today, i swear he was getting a little teary when he said "be safe", i told him i wouldn't take any chances. i love that my co-workers, and well ALL my friends actually, are so over-protective of me. although... i'm not sure if they always give the correct advise... hmm, just pondering something i recently was told.

please excuse the sparkle in my eye.

ugh, so tired. think i'm going to barf...

p.s. this blog title is for you ;)

every word i say could be a piece of evidence against me.

mother theresa

vinc' told me yesterday that i'm the kind of girl who doesn't know what she wants. hmm, i hope that's not the case. i've always thought of myself as someone who knows exactly what she wants... in that moment. i guess i do change my mind often. i'm kind of glad he pointed that out, because it actually explains a lot.

there's something in the shades of grey.

can't remember

what's it gonna be i wonder? what's it gonna be...

i spent the evening with paul and sarah which was really nice. i always have a good time with them. i made my button necklace, i quite like it! yay!

i think i need to get new glasses when i get back from kenya. my one lense is scratched, plus their popping out the frames AND permanently dirty. its probably time, i got these glasses for xmas 1999. wow. i bought the frames at claires accessories and had them put in the lenses at lens crafters. clever. the frames only cost me 10 buck ;) so its pretty safe to say i got more than my money's worth out of them.

i'm kind of sleepy. its been rough getting out of bed lately. that's always a sign that i need a break in my routine. i feel cozy right now though. and i feel content. and happy. i feel less neurotic, i feel more conjoined. warm.

today i had to send out a mass email at work and the CEO of the company was on the distribution list. i thought knickers was going to have a heart attack when she saw his name. it's a really odd feeling. she told me to keep that email for my protection, when i know she meant "to cover your ass". that's not something you do. you don't just email laurent.

you know, i simply can't understand people.

delicate

well, i've begun packing. its going well too! i have to say, having a gigantic suitcase is a good idea. my mom hates my huge suitcase, but i've got six blankets in it and its only half-full. ah, nice.

in between loads of laundry, i'm also trying to tidy my house. its yucky lately. so my dishes are just about done, but they're drying then i'll do more. i've also done 3 loads of laundry. 3 probably WASN'T necessary, but i kept finding more stuff that i forgot to wash. wow, so far this is an exciting entry!

anyway, its a funny world we live in. i've had to remove all my buttons from my bag because i'm certain they won't let me on the plane with them, and i can't take a nalgene bottle either b/c "no liquids". i'm also finding myself having to think about what jewelry i'm going to leave behind. i'm going to make a necklace out of shirt buttons to wear while i'm there. its cheap and i was told to not take anything that can't be replaced. i thought about making the necklace on the way there, it would give me something to do in the airport, but they won't allow scissors or needles. its amazing the stuff i have to consider in order to travel, things you won't think would be an issue.

wow, its like there's a big party on msn tonight and everyone is invited. i like it when lots of people are online.

so, am i the last person to hear that britney spears had her baby? did everyone else know this? i'm so out of the celebrity loop.

i'm gonna try my best to not talk about packing nonstop for the next week. however, getting ready for this trip is clearly a big part of my life right now.

here's my thought of the day, the think i spent a good chunk of the day thinking about... i would like to become a more well-balanced person. in some ways i'm very "all or nothing" inspite the fact i think "everything in moderation" is true. i need to learn to not be so black and white, like i said "all or nothing". don't get me wrong, i'm not saying everything is gray, what i am saying is i'd like to not be so extreme. not over indulge. not obsess. not neglect. not avoid. there's an in-between that i've got to get my hands on.

i realized that i've been waiting since birth to find a love that will look and sound like a movie.

chocolate chips

i've just got to say, i love my friends :) i got so many hugs today it was great. i'm just so thankful.

scrambled eggs made me late for church today if you can believe it.

life is funny. it feels so greatly influenced by "right place, right time" more than i ever realized. how things unravel so depends on where you're at, and where others are at, and what mood you're in, and in the circumstances of your surroundings. there's just so many elements, so many balls to be juggled. so many "cosmic events" that line up to bring about a single moment. its one giant domino effect. (side note: isn't it funny that the saying is domino effect, when dominos are technically a game of matching up dots? and yet everyone uses them for lining up and knocking over, i like that.) i feel like life is one big fruit salad. there's so much activity, so many different events, on different extremes. new beginnings colliding with endings. some face new life while others face death. and it all goes on, almost completely disconnected.

i sit here thinking "when will i arrive? when is my time?" perhaps never, perhaps now. who knows. i want to live each day to the fullest. to recognize that his promises are new every morning. i wish i knew that in my heart, because honestly? somedays i'm just getting by. how do i live this life, my life as lesley meredith mcknight to my upmost? on the other hand... i want to never feel like i've arrived, because when that happens i'll have nothing to strive toward.

i'm very "on the other hand" lately. i'm puzzled by this, why am i all of a sudden all indecisive lately? i don't think its self-doubt, maybe its a new level of awareness, causing me to consider the flipside.

i like that this entry has turned out all contemplative, because it seems like i haven't had a second to think since last week.

ok, once last though, then i'm gonna turn in for the night... i like that there's nothing i can do that wasn't meant to be. it releases me from the burden of thinking everything is on my shoulders. "i ruined this friendship by doing this" "i alienated that person by not doing that" when i don't actually hold enough power to steer the fate of those relationships. if it's a friendship that was intended to last it will. if i do something that ruins a friendship, it probably was bound to fail eventually.

sometimes we touch lives without knowing it. i hope i learn to accept that.

well girlz... i hope you enjoy this long entry. only 8 more entries til my hiatus.

light up, light up as if you have a choice.

globe

i woke up after sleeping for 12 hours. it left me feeling strange.

i met up with vinc' and did some errands downtown. he made an interesting observation, he told me they have an expression in french that says "you either say too much or too little". i think he's right about that, that reflects me quite accurately.

he came with me to joy and tim's for dinner then we baby-sat when they went to their friend's house. joelle was so strange because she insisted on calling him "mark" which left us all dumb-founded. we kept correcting her, and she kept reverting back to "mark". she was so adorable because at dinner she said with much excitement "lesley! your friend has blue eyes just like i do!!"

it was fun spending time with joy and tim when they got back. on the drive home vinc' said to me "joy is so your sister", i asked him why and he said that there's just something about us that's exactly the same. the way we laugh at the same things, the way we talk. its interesting.

i had a really nice time out with laney, tim, lissa and vinc' last night. we were celebrating laney's 28th birthday!!! i am blessed with good friends.

well i'm far from finished saying all that's on my mind, but i've been finding my entries quite long lately, so i'm going to end here.

oh, one last thing... i wonder if my friends visit my blog after spending time with me to see what i've said about them.

mediocure people do exceptional things all the time.

se mesurer

i'm tired.
i'm going to bed.

p.s. i had a fun night. thanx ;)

is she weird?

hem

so what can i say? its been a decent day. everyone was overjoyed at work today because we finally signed a $1,650 million US contract. so we had a pizza lunch and a cake. inspite the fact that i was relatively bored, at least everyone was in a good mood. oh, my boredom was unrelated to the celebrations.

anyway, tonight i went to the lovells to hang out. they let me come for dinner too, which i appreciated because i was just killing time til i could go to their house. i needed some company. i'm always ok when i'm distracted.

sometimes i think when i'm hurting or upset i need to just bask in it, because its part of the healing process. its like a scab, you can't just rip it off and expect everything to be ok. perhaps trying to speed up the natural healing process only makes things worse.

yay! i think the butlers have come to my rescue and have hooked me up with ben & kim for a drive. i hope that all works out ok, i just haven't called sarah back yet because its late, but i'm gonna. hurray!!! !! !!! !

last night at 1:30 i woke up with a compelling need to clean out my right ear. so i got up and stumbled to the washroom and got out a q-tip. it was so strange, but i felt much better afterward.

well yes, below is the second living room promo. check it out. i almost suggest watching it on the YOUtube website and sizing it down so it doesn't look so crappy.

there are things i want to say, but i'm finding expressing myself doesn't make me feel better nor does it fix anything. it's disappointing.

i'm an oxymoron. a walking contradiction.

i know that sometimes all i can see is how i feel.

something like that

zane

WARNING: this is most likely going to be a very random entry.

i've noticed something... i have A LOT of friends who's name ends in an "a". i'd say at least half, if not 75%.

does anyone else find it ironic that i'm going all the way to kenya, and the hardest part of the journey is finding a ride to toronto? weird.

i got my new driver's licence in the mail today. its the first time my very own address has appeared on my ID and not my mom's address. i feel like a grownup. i hope my new healthcard arrives soon.

inspite all your best intentions, you still make me feel crappy. i hope that makes YOU feel crappy.

i slept really well last night, had lots of heavy blankets. i got into bed at 10:08. my dad called twice and woke me up. i didn't answer the phone.

i love that buddy still has the smallest handwriting i've ever seen.

who is "kinja"? please identify yourself.

i saw my problem in the red t-shirt at the Y tonight. except now he doesn't wear a red t-shirt and he's not a problem. he still makes me blush by simply walking past me. how embarrassing.

sometimes living alone isn't good for my mental health. i need someone to break up the monotony. in times like this i miss unexpected outings, or cups of tea, or simply listening to someone elses problems. my own problems get blown out of proportion without anything to compare them to.

ok, now for something little more meaty.... i've been thinking lately, reflecting if you will. and have concluded that most things that really mattered to me at one point, don't matter anymore. it scares me a little. it makes me feel like nothing really matters. but i KNOW that's not true, but i can't prove it to myself. i don't know, maybe they do still matter but are no longer relevant. is that possible? that's a better thought, more comforting.

i'm feeling borderline mental. it'll pass.

i like our random emails. i like that no one knows who i'm talking to except for you.

i have to wear a moneybelt in kenya underneathe my clothes because people will pick my pockets.

i've gone off soup. i have zero interest in eating it which is a shame since its so cheap. i'm looking forward to pomegranate season.

i crossed paths with a snake in the hallway at work today. frank and i got a box and took it outside. he was little but feisty.

i need a distraction. pronto.

you sat right beside me while everyone stared.

model A

well, its been a peculiar week already. and its only tuesday. AND i'm clearly in a pickle with getting to T.O.

i'm still borderline overwhelmed, however, i got a good chunk of my dishes done tonight while talking to little r on the phone. i worked on the standard for a bit, got the inside done. tomorrow night, i've got to get this weeks living room stuff planned out. see, its all fun stuff i need to be doing (aside from the housework), but there's just so much of it to be done. humph.

you know what i kind of hate? i hate that emailing or letter writing is a one sided conversation in which i blab on and on about me. this bothers me. but i'm afraid that there's not much that can be done about it. that's what correspondence is, telling the other person how you are. but the weird thing is, that i write these people because i miss them or want to hear how their doing, and yet spend the whole time talking about me. that's just dreadful.

oh, you know what? i was very shocked seeing me in the living room movies. i'm much different than i thought i am. first of all, i'm smaller than i thought – i always think of me as a big person. and i'm more... umm, hard to say, softer maybe? less tough than i thought? sillier? it was kind of eye opening. oh i know! my voice is way more silly than i thought it is, i always thought i had a kind of low and manly voice. that's it! i'm more girly than i thought i am. huh, interesting revelation.

anyway, i'm gonna try to be in bed soon. perhaps this way, i won't get back into bed 4 times when i'm supposed to be getting ready for work. its been cold in the night-time, time to dig out more blankets. i'm renowned for my heap of blankets.

what can i tell you? what can i possibly say?
i guess that i missed you. i guess i forgive you.
i'm glad you stood in my way.

hitch-hike

HELP, HELP this girl needs help!

is there anyone, who could and would be willing to drive me to lester b. pearson international airport on monday, october 9th? it's a holiday!! it'll be sooo much FUN ;)

the bus schedule will get me there 8 hours early (leaving here at 6 am). and a flight would cost me 500 bucks, which is ridiculous.

this is not the time for good intentions. if you think you can, then seriously think about it before you get my hopes up. weigh all possibilities before you say "i can help you out!" because i'm quazi stuck. yes, i have a car and i can drive my own ass there, but that means i'd have to drive it back after traveling for 24 hours.

i can pay for your gas since it'll be cheaper than my other options.

your pity is appreciated...

muddy is my mind

its 8:00. i think i might just get ready for bed soon. actually, i think i'll get in my pjs and read for a bit. my place is such a mess, but if i make myself do any kind of work then i'll get burnt out eventually. i just need to chill out a little. hmm, i just took a break from this entry to put in a second load of laundry, then i folded and put away last weeks laundry to make room on the rack for this weeks. so much for not doing any housework... well i like a sense of accomplishment so that's cool. maybe i'll do a little each night.

i'm starting to get thinking about kenya, what i'm gonna bring and stuff. finding time to pack on top of plan living room for smooth sailing while i'm away, visit with friends and spend time with the frenchman before he leaves for good (well at least for a couple years). so basically, i'm going to bring only about a weeks worth of clothes and wear everything twice (except undies obviously), this will make more room in my suitcase for the blankets and things i'm leaving behind. i'm the kind of person who likes variety, to have a selection to choose from when i get up each morning, however, that's a luxury i can do without i'm sure.

i'm trying to put my life in perspective. this summer, a new concept occured to me while i was confused, "some day it won't matter". i was encouraged by that, that event or circumstance was going to pass, it was going to be ok and some day it wasn't going to upset me. it was nice. and sure enough, it turned out fine. i remember once melinda and i went through our old letters we wrote each other when we were 14 and 15. in these letters we lamented over things that now, over 10 years later, we look back at and laugh. i dunno, maybe that won't happen. it seems the older you get the more intense your worry, about things that actually matter. i'm not worried, i'm not upset. i AM still stinging a little over last week, but the more distance between it the better i'm feeling. it won't matter some day.

i feel beautiful today. i remember the first time i felt beautiful in my own right – without a man having to tell me that. it was a milestone.

well i think my second load of laundry is done, time to throw in my third load (the things i forgot to put in last time). i should go.

we can learn like the trees,
how to bend, how to sway.

centred

hey...

i'm tired. i wanted to go to bed early tonight, but i got watching this stand-up comedian on the comedy network. he was soooo funny. i had a great time. the maxipad was filled with my laughter.

its been a heck of a day... busy, tiring, rewarding, good. i think living room went well tonight. i can't be bothered to tell you about it, i've already debriefed via email. just trust me that it went well and was fun. it's worth all the anxiety. i'm grateful for the gravol though.

i wonder what adventures this week holds. i smile to myself, because it could be many glorious things. or it could hold many a stomach ache. i guess we'll just have to wait and see.

we showed my other flick at church today. i'll try to put it on youtube so those of you who are not local or those of you who missed it can see it. several people thought it was better than the first one. i do really like movie editing. its fun.

well i send this mediocure entry out with love from me to you :)

you know i try so hard for you.

flee

it's been a good day. it's been a day of secrets and pinky swears.

i kidnapped vinc' and took him lamp shopping with me. we toured. we did a lot. it was fun. it's been a good day. it's interesting... i've never been with someone before that when we walked up to the cashier she totally ignored me and just starred at the person i was with. while he hung out in my kitchen as i did my dishes, we listened to my "fast and easy french" cd, that i got before my trip to paris. it was soo funny.

this evening we rented a french film i've been wanting to see called "l'enfant", it was kind of crappy. vinc' kept saying "it's a cheap film", it didn't even have any music in it. regardless, i liked that we watched something that was in french, i like foreign films. subtitles don't bother me at all. crazy french, selling their baby for 5,000 euros.

after the movie we played yahtzee. i've been wanting to play yahtzee for a while, its not the same without melinder, but vinc' was a decent stand-in. i don't think he fully understood my reason for not following the rules literary, but we did play a legal game the second time around. did you know that european ones look like capital A's? weird.

i got thinking today, that i'll need some euros for my layover in amsterdamn. so i dug out my leftover euros to see what i had, 59 cents. hmph. vinc' said that will get me 2 candies, one for the first 3 hours and one for the last 3 hours. hahaha.

i'm never confused when i'm with you.

i love that the notwist awakens good memories inside me. listening to them makes me feel the way i did when i tingled down to my tips of my toes.

in your world my feet are out of step

crayola

i don't think he likes it when i point out he's wrong. actually, i'm quite certain that he doesn't. but i'm actually more standing up for myself then telling him he's being a jerk. i hate it when he's being self-righteous, it aggravates me.

its the end of a stressful week. i'm not entirely over my anixety, but i've just taken a pill to ease my stomach and konk me out for the night. i feel like i'm developing a frickin ulser. i could use a good cry, it would make me feel better. break some of the tension, like a good rain on a humid night.

i have tried to remain faithful, and you've been faithful in return.

my mom turned 60 today. the big 6-0. she doesn't look at old. she looks about 52. i'll probably be the same way. score. i used my madd graphic designerly skillz to make her a card, it was a real hit!

here's a picture of me and paul (a.k.a. dj haircut). irina took it last week at café india. i think its soooo funny. its a crappy picture of me, i look like i have no hair, but i'm just so happy to be with paul, and he looks so indifferent, that i love it.

i can't identify what i'm feeling right now. a pinch of lonely, a pinch of isolated, a pinch of recluse, a pinch of frustrated. a little messy, a bit of beautful, a tad satisfied, a smige of lovely. slightly ignored, slightly adored. i'm a crayon box full of emotion. yes, that's what i am. i'm satisfied in that too.

cause we'll never live long enough to undo everything they've done to you.

gravol

i wish my stomach would stop with the acrobatics.

my prayer is that i will stop being delusional.

i could use a "read-between-the-lines to english" dictionary.

i'm considering ripping out my hotwater bottle cover and knitting it again. its too big.

i feel lonely today. and its only 7:16 a.m.

why does everything i love induce a feeling of dread in me? that shouldn't be.

i was pleasantly surprised to discover i'm not as jaded as i thought i was.

shekel

you know... there's a lot of sketchy people out there. i wish she hadn't lied so much. i wish i'd seen though it, i should have. i've told those lies myself.

its been a pleasant day. i was boiling some soup this morning before work and it boiled over in to the little stove cuppy things. wow! i can't remember what those are called. anyway, that was kind of crappy. nice, that's all i have to complain about. i sure DO bounce back quick, as quickly as i'm upset i guess.

i was listening to ani difranco today, and there was a song that really stood out to me... the words went like this: "the one person who really knows me best, says i'm like a cat. yeah, the kind of cat that you can't just pick up and throw on your lap. no, the kind that doesn't mind being held only when its her idea. yeah, the kind that feels what she decides to feel when she is good and ready to feel it". that's totally like me. i'm strong-willed. its both good and bad. i thought that was a really good explaination.

i have a confession to make... i kind of miss my problem in the red t-shirt :( the Y just isn't the same without him.

i'm off. its "grey's" season premire and i'm late.

p.s. the maxipad is a total mess right now. ugh.

now i'm prowling through the backyard,
and i'm hiding under the car.
i have gotten out of everything
i've gotten into so far.

no name

i just had dinner with mim and ron. they've got me so excited about kenya. they answered my questions and explained away my concerns. they're excitement is contagious. not only am i feeling excited about kenya, my hurt of yesterday has been flushed down the toilet. i'm going to choose to not spend another second of my time aching over that. i digress... i saw lots of pictures of the hospital and the countryside and the house and the market. its going to be amazing! i'm really excited. i can't wait. this is gonna be good. i love mim and ron. they fed me liver. i'm not sure if i've ever had liver before, the texture is a little odd, but i'm sure i could get used to it.

oh, i have an announcement to make. we currently have the following FRIEND VACANCIES:
• knitting friends (in the absence of joanna and dawna)
• rock-star friends (in the absence of alison)
• random visitor friends (in the absence of beckie)
• kindred spirit/best/like a sibling friends (in the absence of melinda)
i'm telling you... if i have one more friend move away i just don't know what i'm going to do! vinc' is leaving next month, so then there will be a "foreigner friend" vacancy.

well i'm going to tuck my pajama pants into my sox and get into bed with my hotwater bottle. i've got the cramps.

please email me your prayer requests, i need something else to talk to God about other than "OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME!!!"

the steadfast love of the lord never ceases.
his mercies never come to an end.
they are new every morning. new every morning.
great is thy faithfulness oh lord. great is thy faithfulness.

cows

i wish i was a quiter. seriously, i wish there was a quiter in me somewhere, because i'm wanting to give up, but i can't. frig, what's wrong with me? i'm a crappy finisher, but that's different than being a quiter. every spring when i was a kid, i'd get excited and plant a garden. my dad converted my sandbox into a little garden, i loved it. i had a garden just like him. but after a few weeks i'd lose interest and by the end of summer it was all overgrown by weeds, however, i did get some nice tomatoes and cucumbers out of it. regardless, gardening is always what i think of when reflecting on my crappy "stick-to-it-ness". i think i invest a lot of my energies in the wrong accounts. i think i stand to lose in the end. when ever that will be.

i'm afraid at the mention of her name all colour drained from my face and i couldn't get away fast enough. i'm going to miss my friend who knows my every facial expression and every tone in my voice.

contrary to popular belief... melinda DOES exist. i miss her a lot already. oh crap, i'm starting to cry. i wish i could talk to her right now because i could use one of her pep talks. i'm sad.

i'm in limbo. and i don't know how much longer i can take it. when i'm feeling more brave i tell myself "take it all in stride", but right now... not so much. and yes, i AM talking about the same old thing. feel free to shake your head at me, riiigghhhtt... now.

i like this pic of me and melinder. brandon took it at our house at the living room christmas party last year.

i need to buy some more picture frames for my pictures wall. but picture frames aren't cheap and i'm boarderline poor until i return from the south side of the equator. i've never been below the equator before. i've never even been near it.

well i'm feeling better after talking a little. and beckie just signed on to msn so i'll talk to her. it'll be therapeutic.

all that i knew is moving away from me.

tassels

howdy!

well its late in the evening on a monday. i'd say my day, no scratch that, my work day was a... 5 and my regular day was a... 7. i was going a little looney in my cube, but had enough things to keep me busy that it turned out ok, mostly it was frustrating because i was working with 5 files each weighing over 1 gb a piece and it took FOREVER to render any changes or save each file.

after work i went to the YMCA. it was amusing because my mom just got a membership and as i did weights i could see her walking on the treadmill. she was just a strolling. i have to admit she looked pretty cute and out of place. its interesting that when she first told joy that she got a membership she said "did you check with les to see if she was ok with that?" i would have had an issue with that before because the Y was my sanctuary where i didn't know anyone and felt i got some peace and quiet. but i guess now the maxipad is my castle, so i don't feel so protective of the Y. anyway, when i saw her it made me smile and as i walked toward her, i made eye contact with this one guy who assumed i was smiling at him. it was little awkward.

i've been experiencing a lot of anxiety about my up coming trip to kenya. i get waves of fear. its scary. but i think i got some perspective today when it dawned on me "you're just going for a 2 week vacation, you're not moving there!!" phew. on top of all the uncertainty of it all, i think i might get homesick. that would suck. if i was going with a friend then i think it would be different, but ya. i like it when i'm in the moment. when there's no place i'd rather be than where i am. i hope that's what happens. but i'll miss you guys. in some ways its easier not having friends because you have no one to miss. although its crappy when you return and there's no one to welcome you home.

here's a pic of me, irina and melinda sleeping on my bed. actually, i think i was the only one actually sleeping. sometimes i get dozey when i watch movies. well melinda leaves the country tomorrow. farewell mindy! we're all routing for you :) you will be missed and thought of often.

oh i loved you.
i guess i still do.

a chair, a table and a lamp

i don't know how to import a video, so to see what all the fuss is about, use your mouse and click your arrow HERE :)

david: thanks for all your help!
and brandon: thanks for getting it to work and loading it on youtube!

in other news, why do i always end up falling on my face?

everything was going so good that i thought something bad might happen.

empty

so they showed my movie at next today. heeheehee. i had so much fun making it, and i'm pleased with it. i'm glad that everyone seemed to like it too :) i've got to put together another one now, but i think i've got the hang of it so it'll be fairly easy, except i accidentally deleted some of best footage. oopsy. brandon's gonna post it on the next website so i'll give ya a link when that's done.

melinda just stopped by to lend me some paintings. i like them, they're really big and fit with the vibe of my living room really well. she was all dressed up heading out to meet up with a friend for dinner, and asked me what i thought of her sweater. she wasn't sure about it because it had shoulder pads, i at once told her to give me the sweater so i could rip them out. i have this thing against shoulder pads – they're freakin' retarded. seriously?!?! what were they thinking when they invented them? they serve no purpose other than to make a woman look more like a man. women should NOT have square shoulders. we are not football players, well some women play football, but they don't wear their uniform our for dinner or to the office.

so sarah gave me some really kickass pants today. well actually, paul did but they were from sarah. i love them! i'm so surprised they fit because they say 7-8, but they're totally NOT a 7-8 because i'm somewhere in the range of 9 to 11. they're brown cords. but they're too long and i can't afford to have them hemmed. are any of you handy with a sewing machine and willing to help me out?!?!

i have to say... inspite the fact that i hate the fair, i've liked having all the livestock across the street. i like cows. and horses.

just because he looks like a girl doesn't make him any less of a man.

long suffering?

i'm cold because i'm tired and grumpy. i'm just feeling upset and sensitive. my ears ache. i'm anxious about living room. i'm scared about kenya. and the way he refered to me as 'dude' bruised my ego. there's much going on in my life and none of it is within my control. not like i need to be in control, but i prefer to be proactive about things, it puts me at ease. but when there's nothing i can do it makes me feel helpless. i think i'm get into my 'jammies and get into bed, snuggling deep down at the bottom so that the sheets and blankets bunch up around me. i love having a single bed. i find it so amusing though that i downsided to a single at the age most people upgrade to a double or queen. it was much more practical, i do miss lying diagnolly across my double, it just didn't make logical sense having this double bed take up my small room. besides, i'd gotten into the habit of hardly moving at all when i sleep, i just rotate from my back to my side then to my back again.

this afternoon, meghan and i sat on my balcony while some kind of crazy pie auction was going on at the fair across the street. it was weird. this one guy paid 30 bucks for a pecan pie. granted that was unusual, most people paid 8 or 9. we also had to endure listening to some kind of crappy karaoke/country music competition. it was terrible.

i'm weirded out by the new itunes. the blue icon freaks me out a little – its so unfamilar! talk about putting me out of my comfort zone.

i've been thinking about something. there are times when there's nothing else to say because you can't cross the line of truth. you can talk about lots of things up until that line, and unless you're willing to talk about what's going on... there's nothing left to say. i wish i knew what was going on.

well my beds awaiting. i hope my ear stops aching, its been like 5 days! don't worry about me though, i'll be ok. i just need a hug.

it's like a day dream.

bodice

this has been a super fun evening. i'm exhausted but am writing because these events must be immortalized on pspd.

chapter 1: i joined melinda and people from both cfrc and the artel for dinner at cafe india. it was very yummy. i had a fun time. i sat between two guys named paul. melinda gave me a copy of paul sauliner's comic book. its so funny, he autographed it for me. i like paul. he used to be scared of me. i like talking his ear off. here's one of his drawings (i'm too tired to scan my favourite so lets make do with one i punked from his flickr account, shall we?) it was a most entertaining time. melinda took a picture of "the christopher currie" and i'm going to photoshop some sideburns on him for her.

chapter 2: irina (elena?), melinda and i headed down to the goat so melinda could get a vegan cake. on the way we crossed paths with a certain bus driver who likes to bail on his friends in favour of yoga classes. but whatever, some people like beards. we headed back up princess street, having a very risque conversation. i was ever so amused to imagine the snip-its that passerbyers happened to hear.

chapter 3: we arrived at the maxipad, and once irina had popped open the champaigne, we realized that we didn't actually have a copy of "reality bites". a wild goose chase ensues and as a result i found myself face to face with my last boyfriend. we broke up in january 2004, and i haven't seen him in 2 years. my heart was pounding in my chest, but i smoked'em. i handled it SO well, melinda thought i handled it too well – that i was gloating. perhaps that's true to some extent, but it was him who was bragging about this, that and the other thing. i find it revealing that he bragged, its like he's over compensating for something. i felt no need to even make small talk with him. i'm just not interested, plus i know him and its all b.s. that comes out of his mouth anyway.

chapter 4: we arrived home with the newly purchased reality bites on dvd. its been our plan to watch that before melinda leaves. its our favourite movie. i realized how often i quote it in my day to day life and it goes unnoticed. i love that movie, its amazing.

chapter 5: i'm sitting in my room writing this entry. thinking to myself about how long this entry is and how probably few people will read it. and wondering why all my emails are bouncing back.

as you can see, i have the occasional run-in with an anti-Hey-That's-My-Biker and to those people i say nobody... nobody can eat 50 eggs.

fever

the kingston fair is on. i've never been a fan of the fair, but even less now that its right across the street from my house. it creeps me out a little.

last night's concert was a blast. i had a really great time with irina, the artel clan and co. it was nice bumping in to cas & matt and meghan too. meghan was right, shout out out out IS totally awesome. i love how irina is an "arm dancer", she has no inhibitions. i really admire that. i'm an arm dancer at home, but not in public, i think its because i'm paranoid i'm going to whack someone in the head. irina's a tall girl, i think that's partly why she gets away with it.

i've been increasingly aware of picking up the mannerisms of my friends. its funny. i find myself thinking "that's totally something so-and-so does", its amazing because its a subconcious transfer. i like it. it just goes to show that we are creatures of our environment.

i went to april's after work tonight and got my haircut. first trim i've had since february. i only got an inch off, i've really been enjoying how long its getting. only about 6 more inches to go!

i've noticed something. how comfortable i am having you in my house is directly related to how much i clean before you arrive. let me explain, if i know you're coming and...
a) as a result clean the entire house first – i am uncomfortable.
b) don't do a single thing – i am extremely comfortable.
c) don't do a single thing but appologize for the mess – i am moderately comfortable.

it stings but not for long.

ideas or theories become true. they are made true by events.

divided

you know what? i wish people could dream the same things sometimes. wouldn't that be an awesome experience to rendezvous in a dream? to be like "I DREAMT THAT TOO!" neato.

so this afternoon david and i regrouped to discuss the living room movie. he brought his version, and we viewed both his and mine. it was amazing to see how different they were, especially since we had identical footage. you'd never think there were so many different possibilities. although, i should have expected that because i know in school, everyone came up with totally different stuff for design projects. it was cool!

its funny to think there was a time when you didn't know certain people. i find it so odd to think that most (if not all) of my friends, have been living in kingston for many years and i didn't know them. it blows my mind that laney and tim have been married and living on colborne street for like 4 and a half years. there are many examples, too countless to go into. i could have passed someone on the street! or sat behind someone else at the movies! i wonder who i've crossed paths with who i don't currently know, but will eventually be a main character in my life. its amazing. wow, i think i've blown my own mind here.

well i excited about this concert. i wish i had the enough money to buy a cd. i'm not sure if i do. we'll see. its pretty safe to assume there will be more opportunties, this is my 3rd time seeing them since february.

you are fabulous my friend.

i don't know what more i'd ask for if i was given just one wish.

banana

i just got home from an evening at the oldings. it was nice. i haven't seen them in a while. at least it feels like a while. i'm happy to see they're settling in to their new routine fairly well which is good. joelle has started nursery school two mornings a week, and talks about her school and told me all about it. she's becoming quite the conversationist. she was sitting beside me on the couch and said to me "i like your shirt". it was so cute.

i've inserted a filter on my mouth. and i'm glad. i say too much. talking a lot is one things, saying too much is another. i feel odd lately, like people are growing tired of me. its one of those things... people turn a deaf ear to a repetitive sound. i don't want to drone on insensitive to those listening. this is good. it'll stop me from saying things that are irrelevant 5 minutes later. i suppose being embarrassed of one's behaviour is good if it changes it. right now i just wanna save face... i wish i knew how. ugh, i don't want to talk about it. please don't ask me.

i was thinking yesterday when i was grocery shopping, how i can't imagine having to take care of anyone but myself. i almost hate the thought of having to cook for anyone other than me, having to divide my time between my interests and the needs of others. i realize i sound horribly selfish right now, but i think kind of happens when you've been single a long time. i was even like that when i had housemates, it think it drove melinda crazy because sometimes she wanted to eat together and i'd already eaten or just wasn't hungry.

i like it when i find out something that helps everything make sense. i saw something the other day and have wondered about it since then. but then when reading someone's blog this afternoon, i pieced it together! ah-ha! i wish that happened more often.

it was me on that road, but you couldn't see me.

mirror

i've been listening to the same 8 minute song on repeat for over an hour. i sure hope my neighbours can't hear it, not everyone delights in repetition like i do. but i LOVE this song. i'm dancing, i'm shaking, i'm bobing, its a frickin' dance party in here. i love how a good dancy song gets me all pumped and feeling awesome!! :)

speaking of being pumped. i went to the Y today and renewed my membership. it took forever because the lady apparently was doing everything possible to screw it up. i didn't mind really, i just didn't understand why it was so difficult. i had a good work out. i feel more toned already. its amazing how quickly doing weights effects you, likewise with not doing weights. i was intrigued by the fact that it felt like it was just yesterday since i was there, and yet lots of things were different. i felt a little lost because they'd rearranged the equipment. i was amused by how a lot of the same people were there but their hair was different.

all my dancing is making it difficult to write this entry. this is a workout in itself!

i'm pretty excited. holy f#!k is playing at a.j.'s on wednesday. holy f#!k, i love that band! i'm so glad that irina let me know they are playing, i would have been sooo bummed to miss it. is anyone else going? harrison?? probably harrison, she's a given.

whoa, all this dancing is making me THIRSTY! sorry, just had a seinfeld flashback. i should go.

i am the storm, i am the wonder,
the flashlights and explosions.

beautiful

have you ever kind of thought that someone has ceased to exist because you haven't seen them in years?

sometimes i act like a 14-year-old. i wish i didn't. i find myself searching for reasons to justify by bad behaviour, to find fault in myself that will somehow excuse me. but i'm afraid its just how i am, and i'm gonna have to learn to deal with it. my good friend, who knows be better anyone (save my fam.), told me today "les, remember... not everything has to be a soap opera". she's right. it stung at first, but when her words sunk in, i knew it was true. its easier to take from her since she's a drama queen herself, although i think she's more sensitive than i am where i tend to be jaded. so what do i do now? can i overcome my soap opera antics? i hope so, but its gonna take self-discipline since i know it won't come easily.

to my delight(!!) i finally met kathy today at church. she's really super nice. i like her a lot. i wish we'd had longer to chat than a couple minutes, and i'm totally kicking myself for sitting at home and watching half of "the squid and the whale" (totally sux by the way) instead of going to EVEning sessions. oh i forgot to ask her if she got my postcard. kathy: did you get my postcard?

so i went to café india today after church (melinder... are you proud of me?!?!). i've never been a huge fan of indian, but i was just happy to be hanging out with some of our dearly returned. however, i did really enjoy the butter chicken. i'm all like "oooh, look at me... expanding my british palette".

i haven't seen you in a while. i'm worried about you. i hope you're ok.

come, ye weary, heavy-laden, lost and ruined by the fall.
if you tarry 'til you're better, you will never come at all.

edgy

life is funny.

i find myself feeling as though i've called wolf so many times that no one cares anymore. actually, that may be untrue, maybe its more like "ok les, we'll believe it when we see it". that's ok, i'd probably feel the same way. in a way i'm jaded myself.

i'm branching out into the brave new world of sweater knitting. that's right, i'm going to knit joelle a sweater. i bought some light pink soft yarn, because she's like me and can't bare wearing itchy wool. pink is her favourite colour, but her auntie ena (tim's sister) insists pink with red hair is sheer torture (she has red hair like joelle does), so i figure getting a light pink should appease ena and yet its still pink so joelle will like it. its a really easy sweater, seriously its a "Grade 1" on the knitting scale in my book and the bag i made was a "Grade 3" so i should manage just fine.

i can't believe i forgot to buy incense today when i was downtown.

so i'm really into snow patrol right now, which is sooo funny because last week melissa said to me "i bought the last kiss soundtrack and snow patrol is on it and i thought of YOU" and i told her "oh really? because i don't really know snow patrol at all" and look at me now! all into the snow patrol. i have to admit, i really like that they've done a cover of "crazy in love" because there was something i've always liked about it, but felt weird about that because its a beyonce song.

i'm still wearing laney's sweater. it smells like her. i like that.

i should get going, i rented "the squid and the whale" and want to get knitting. melinda commissioned me to alter something for her for free, and i need to start/finish it before she goes to wien.

ugh, i face the music tomorrow...

we should spend some time apart for both our sakes.

nightingale

its late and i'm tired. i'm up editing the living room movie. its fun. i'm enjoying myself, but i'm growing sleeping so i've packed it in for tonight. i'm feeling a little hungie, so i think i'll have something to eat real quick. i wish i had some cheese. or some ham.

i considered not writing an entry and just going to bed. but here i am, at it again.

i'm wearing laney's sweater.

i wonder if there's something wrong with setting your expectations low but your hopes high. hmm. i've starting weaving that through my psyche lately. i think its a defense mechanism but i can't be sure.

i'm content. and being content makes me happy. therefore i am happy.

ugh i'm tired. i should go to bed.

i hope you can see past the troubles that we've had.

kelp

wow, the full moon is beautiful tonight.

today i felt stressed and overwhelmed at work and wasn't getting much sympathy from the old knickers. i was trying to calm myself, the nausea was getting to much to bear. so i was methodical about it. i changed my music selection (ani difranco was starting to bum me out), and tried to get all unrelated stress out of my head. in the end, things turned out ok. this afternoon david ferrence came up to me and said "i saw your tea at the coffee station, i stuck my finger in it... its getting a little cold". it broke the pressure a little, it made me laugh.

this evening knickers took us out for a departmental dinner. we went to minos. it was fun. i told her about my plan to buy a vespa and she was so horrified at the thought that she didn't even want to hear it. i told her it was frank who put the idea in my head and she said she'd wring his neck tomorrow. she was telling our new colleague kathy over dinner how quiet i was when i first started, i suppose i've really come out of my shell. although, i think it just happened to coincide with some huge life changes for me. i've worked there 3 years as of september 10. amazing.

sometimes i worry that people think i'm just following a pipe dream. i might be. only time will tell. i just need to be patient to see how things unfold, in the meantime i'm just gonna live my life.

it'll be alright, it'll be alright, it'll be alright, it'll be ok.

avoiding

sometimes i feel weird. now is one of those sometimes. do i live in opposite land or something?!?! frig.

on a completely unrelated topic... this evening garry and brandon came by for a meeting about living room. it was highly effective. well pretty effective. i was very impressed with our ability to stay on topic. i feel like such a grown-up, i've never had a meeting at my house before.

my new co-worker from pittsburgh was in the office today. as i drove her to the 4 points sheridan we talked about the difference in our accents. i find it ironic since i was just telling someone how much i hate the pittsburgh accent. who was that i was telling?!? i can't remember. OH, it was rhonda and kathryn the other night. anyway, she mentioned it, i would never have said anything – to me it would be like pointing out some terrible defect. she also said she noticed people saying "eh" and to this i secretly took offence. i'm not a fan of the use of "eh" and i didn't like being clumped into that stereotype.

this frickin newsletter is driving me insane. i feel like i'm being stabbed in the brain. repeatedly.

i feel like you would disapprove of my dissolved feelings. ultimately, you feel what you feel and i can't fain interest where there is none. i feel like a bad person. i'm sorry.

thanks for reassuring me that i'm not butt-ugly.

i will stay right here.

thumbtack

there's something reassuring about having someone to look in the eye.

this evening i was supposed to be going to see snakes on a plane with the one and only meghan harrison, but that fell through. so i spent some time decorating my room, its been left in semi-finished state for quite a while. i'm pleased with its progress. it feels more homey, "more lesley". melinda and i have a very distinct decorating style, it was a regular topic of conversation for new visitors to pirates cove (oh, pirates cove was the name of my pine street house if you've forgotten already).

i feel tired and semi-exhausted. i slept very lightly all night last night and as a result i've felt like ass all day.

i'm having a difficult time with beckie being gone. i KNEW she was leaving but i don't think it really sunk in. i wasn't ready for her to go. i still need her in my life. i'm so thankful for the internet, i can't imagine what we'd do without it! crazy. its nice because we got to talk on msn for a while tonight, but i find it tricky telling a big story via typing (when my brain isn't done processing).

i'm eating beets with salts on them.

so today was the big day for oodles of people. back to school, back to work, starting school, starting work. today was joelle's first day in nursery school, and joy's first day back teaching after 3 year maturity leave. i called her to see how it went and received a pleasant report before she had to let me go because her show was back on (which is something i fully respect. there's no talking to me when i'm watching the t.v.) hmm, i wonder when gilmore girls starts up again. melissa started school today, doing her masters, i'm going to presume that's why she didn't respond to my email ;)


here's a pic of our hard work yesterday. you're intrigued aren't you....

show me a garden that's bursting into life.

testosterone

today we shot the movie for living room. its a promo video that will be shown during the service and posted on the website. i recruited david's help and he in turn recruited helen & terrence. it went surprisingly well. i won't tell you much about it because you'll see it soon enough, but its pretty funny. plus, i had a lot of fun making it.

before filming and after planning, david and i went to "the right spot" for breakfast. and i can honestly say... we were not impressed. considering the fact everyone seems to rave about it, i was suprised by how kinda crappy it was. (sorry girls, i know you love it.)

i've never hung out with terrence and helen before, well not really. they're really nice, i like them a lot. it was so funny because some guy approached helen in the park and asked her if she knew where he could get some weed. she misheard him and thought he said "meat" at first so he had to repeat it. now, i realize that she had a lampshade on her head, but seriously she doesn't scream "weed connoisseur". hahaha. it was so funny.

tonight we went to see "little miss sunshine" which was extremely entertaining. i love seeing movies when you haven't the slightest clue what its about beforehand. it was awesomely embarrassing, filled with lots of "oh my goodness, i can't believe... hahahahahaha" moments.

you long for intuition,
you have to learn the lesson twice.

centipede

oh my goodness. i'm utterly horrified in a hilarious way. i'm embarrassed for someone else. is that rude? its like they're unaware of the fact that they've done something inappropriate and i'm cringing for them. ouch.

this afternoon i went to my mom's for sunday lunch. joy wasn't well so i thought it was just going to be me and my mom, which was fine. but i was pleasantly surprised to see joy & tim's crv! i've really missed the kids so i was excited that they were there. i think that says a lot about my family, that joy was sick but tim still came for sunday lunch. that makes me happy. after lunch my mom needed us to move a double bed upstairs from the basement. that friggin box spring was so frustrating!!! tim and i fought with it for a good half-hour, and when it was all done i said to him "we scraped that wall real good, didn't we?" my mom is so anal about her walls, but after a while we just didn't care anymore. if making a massive hole was required to get that boxspring upstairs we would've done it.

i'm feeling at a loss because i don't have anything to knit right now. i'm gonna have to come up with something pronto because i want to knit tonight. i'm pretty excited because kathryn is going to be at rhonda's tonight. she moved to dryden last january and is here for the weekend. her hair has grown so fast! i don't think my hair grew that quickly when i was growing mine out. anyway, i need another in between project. hmm the little r isn't home! so strange! i'm worried, my brows are furrowed.

have you ever stood really close to someone then all of a sudden become very aware of the closeness of your bodies? i wonder if the other person notices it too. probably not. its odd how sometimes our thoughts can be so different to others and yet other times simultaneous.

you speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhymes.

high times

hmm.

ah! much better! david was over this afternoon and pointed out that my mouse was very slow. i'd noticed there was something wrong with it, but it never occured to me that it was just really slow. that's soooo much better!! i have to say, hanging out with david today made me feel so much more normal. no matter how neurotic i am, he's so much crazier than me! what a relief! i'm not the only one.

beckie is leaving tomorrow morning for pang (i don't remember the full name of the "city" she just calls it pang. its on baffin island). i'm sad. i'm a little afraid our friendship won't make it. its not like there are any indications that it wouldn't, but things change, people change. i guess my past experience has been unkind, however i think our friendship will stand the test of distance. i'll miss her random visits. i'll miss her drama.

i think there are some people who just can't read others. like this guy (who ironically, both beckie and david knew) from saigon delights, was yaking melinda's and my head off last week. i was clearly disinterested in what he was saying. why didn't he pick up on that and leave us alone!?! very odd. reading people's body language is so important, it may possibly more vital than spoken word. that's probably why emails can be so easily misinterpreted.

man its wet out there.

i know what you're thinking. i have little explanation.

i was riding its back when it used to ride me.

liquid

here i am sitting at my desk having no clue what i'm going to talk about today. i find this interesting and i'm looking forward to seeing where this is going to go. i guess in a way that's how YOU feel each day when you visit! cool.

ok so. this evening i went to the goat with alison. it was nice. i like that i've seen her so much lately, especially because soon she'll be in T.O. and i may not see her often. after that i was supposed to help melinda move more stuff, but in the end she just came here and hung out with me while i did some housework and knitting. i got my lamp cozy done. i really like it! its very bohemian. it makes my lamp less corporate. i suppose you'll want to see it. well lets see what i can do...
there, there's my lamp cozy.

why are they called "hospital gowns"? when they're really more of a smock. they should be called "hospital smocks".

i'm very pleased with my apartment. accessories are the thing to making a house feel like a home. just like accessories complete an outfit. acquiring stuff from melinda and beckie has really helped things come together, i'm please! oh, i said that already, but i really am. i'm proud of my house. sometimes i look around in disbelief that this whole place is mine! its so big and i have so much storage. its great. i'm very thankful.

take a free fall at the mention of a name.