insofar

i am very excited. i finally got my diva cup to work and i think it's fantastic. if you are a woman, i strongly advise clicking here and learning more about this alternative. if you are a man, i strongly advise you don't click the link. you'd most likely regret it, so just trust me.

i think i've mentioned before that i'm organizing a girls camping trip for next weekend. i've been rather discouraged about it since a lot of the keen participants aren't able to make it. today i was downright stressed out about it. but i don't want to be anxious about anything, because life has a way of working itself out regardless of whether or not we worry. so i tried to be as proactive about it as i could. i emailed a group of people to get the ball rolling, and since then i've been feeling much better. ah *sigh* :) i've got a lot more committed people now and lots of people who have camping gear, so i'm not as worried. plus, it's nice that i'm organizing for a group of adults, they all generally know what's needed, plan accordingly. i wish i'd realized that before today.

when i was at the dentist yesterday they mentioned i've been grinding my teeth, something i discovered back in march when i was up north. i'd mentioned to beckie that my teeth hurt all the time, they felt like they were going to fall out! she asked me if i'd been clenching my teeth and i said no. the next morning i woke to find my jaw clenched so tightly you wouldn't been able to pry it open. since then i've been sleeping with my tongue between my top and bottom teeth to alert me to my teeth grinding. i asked the dentist lady why i would've started doing that, she said it's either genetic or stress related. i mentioned it to my mom and it turns out both she and my grandpa both do it too... due to stress. so apparently it's both. i believe that, i haven't been coping with anxiety very well, but i feel like i'm doing a tiny bit better. or maybe my pms gone.

it makes me feel so fine i can't control my brain.

flies

i got my last four cavities filled today. i swear my face was frozen to my eyebrows. it was awful. at one point i got all freaked out that i couldn't swallow and started gagging. thankfully i was able to calm myself – mind over matter. having my cavities filled is like getting a renovation in my mouth. i slide my tongue along the surface of my teeth getting to know their new grooves and think "so! this is my new mouth".

i'm a compulsive responder to emails. if i don't respond to an email, it usually required a lot of effort not to. although, there are the times that if i receive an email before going out or turning off my computer, then i just forget to respond all together. but one thing is for certain, if i didn't forget i would've responded. i bet i could keep an email conversation going for eternity. sometimes i'm afraid i will.

i love halter top season.

i've decided to work more consciously on my posture. i liked how michel walks with such an upright spine, it was noteworthy. it's inspired me. part of me is hesitant because walking with your back straight and chest out is weird. but the longer i do it the confident i feel because i appear confident. plus, it's more comfortable.

what's up with the word 'smog'? it must be a relatively new word, right? i wonder how they came up with it. i wonder if it's an acronym, or a combo of the words 'smoke" and "fog". because it's kind of a smoky fog. kind of.

though your hands were little, they always gave a lot.

cusp

today was better. it started "meh", but it improved dramatically thru-out the course of the day. i got my three things accomplished. just taking it one day at a time. i'm working it out. kneading it thru. only taking on as much as i have to.

sometimes it's easy to loose touch with yourself. somehow i'm feeling reconnected.

they launched our new website at work today. you should check it out. it was my reason for my business trip to montreal, for web-training. no, i didn't design the website, but i'll be doing updating for my division, and i do a lot of photo editing for the site. www.bombardier.com.

i finally caved and dug out my fan for the summer. i love the sound it makes and the sensation of it passing over my skin. the koe-koe seems to really dig it too.

the rhythms of a landscape that is breathing.

prose

it's been a rough day. i woke with knots in my stomach, and they stayed until i decided i should take a nap so that i could have a second start to today.

knots in my stomach have been a common occurrence for as long as i can remember. several times in the past it indicated a hidden anxiety that i hadn't yet identified. knowing that got me even more upset. as i made small-talk over lunch, i noticed a few key topics that caused the knots to tighten and wash over me like flash-floods.

bren asked me the other night if i'm an anxious person. i'd never thought of it before. i asked her what she thought, but she cleverly directed it back to me. it was hard for me to answer, because in a few recent crisis's i've handled things with calm composure. but perhaps those are isolated instances, and in fact i'm on a whole rather anxious.

for me anxiety and control go very much hand-in-hand. i like to be in control of my own life. i want to be the author of my own story, and when my plans get thwarted it does not go over very well at all. in terms of other people, i don't really care. same with outside circumstances – they're not my problem, they write they're own stories. so let me just say (perhaps for the record) i like to be in control of me. and when i don't get my own way, i get upset and anxious. i'm quite up for detours, but only of the good kind variety. when i think of my future and the possibility of bad events/undesirable outcomes littering my path way, i become filled with anxiety. then the anxiety drives me. i try to do everything within my ability to stop those hypothetical tragedies from making me hypothetically miserable. as a whole, right now, i'm not miserable. but i let the potential for rain tomorrow ruin my sunny day right today (and in some cases... yesterday).

the question is, how do i undo a life-time of paranoia? how do i kick the habit of preemptive sorrow? part of me thinks "easy! give me what i want!". ok, so thinking of right now... this season of my life, i want: peace of mind, a restful heart, joy in spirit, room to breathe, and an open attitude.

today one of my silly daydreams came true. only half, but in some ways it was better than i'd imagined.

it's all those little things that i fear.

taboo

melissa and i had success at the library today. no one can ever accuse me of not giving something a second shot. it didn't have the main book i was looking for, but it did have a book of poetry by sylvia plath that i've been wanting to read. i've never read a book of poetry before (except for that jewel book with melinda on barrie street). as melissa and i walked down bagot street i read aloud to her, she giggled as she protected me from on-coming traffic.

we are here. they are there. i wonder if ever both shall meet.

if for some reason i am tardy,
it's cause i went out last night to party.

boldly

i gave myself a hobos manicure as i watched "bridge to terebithia" with the lovells. i'd never seen it before, and knew nothing of the plot. soon into the story the character "leslie" was introduced. this immediately caught my attention because it's my name, but also because they were pronouncing it as "lezlie" which REALLY irritates me. a close second to that is having my name spelled "leslie". i especially hate it in emails where my name is clearly spelled "lesley" in the email address. it makes me want to vomit. anyways, i then noticed the other main character's name was jesse, and it reminded me of when i was a kid and my best friend's name was jess(ica). once i pieced that together i realized i'd read that book! the details were completely fuzzy, but i knew how it ended. it's amazed me that i didn't remember reading it, that makes me wonder what else i've forgotten. since starting pspd i've enjoyed having my life archived online (although, most of the significant details are usually omitted). i've often wondered about "someday" when i no longer have a blog. i'm sure that day will come eventually. i wonder when it'll be. i think of myself as an old lady reflecting on this period in my life, i know i'll remember it as a special time.

i think things are going to be ok now. i've called in the big guns, and he's going to take care of it.

i've decided that i can't buy any books until september. i'm going to be feeling the pinch of purchasing a new car for a couple months, so i just can't justify buying books. i decided i'd just have to go to the library – since everyone goes on about how great the library is. when i got there today after work i thought "hm, this is really neat! i could get used to this. it's nice". i was there merely minutes (i was still walking around looking for a computer that was on) when they announced that the library was closing in 5 minutes. hmph. since i didn't have time to lose i went and asked at the desk about the two books i wanted to sign out. the first book wasn't in, and the second one was nowhere to be found. argh! libraries suck. i like them in theory, but my love ends there.

stunts and five-year plans won't really take you far.

grass

i'm choosing to forget. no more will words bind me. that's so much easier said than done. but the very fact that i want to shed these chains is a start. i can cut them one by one.

i really like the idea of maximizing my name. i need to utilize it more frequently: restLESs, boundLESs, needLESs, fearLESs, tireLESs, wordLESs, fathomLESs. i'm so lucky to have such a name, i definitely need to exploit it more often. right now i'm penniLESs.

fella is just slang for fellow

brenda came over for visit tonight. i like brenda. she's so insightful. i like her insights too. she mentioned this evening how people grow and evolve. that somethings we passionately believe in right now, may be something we don't believe in later. and so on, and so forth. i'm just gonna think about today. what happens in a year, 3 years, 7 years is inconceivable and unalterable. in a way, living as to avoid regrets or embarrassment is kind of futile. pointLESs. i can't guard myself and i can't control anything. i have choices, but they are choices i make when i get there, and not before.

i didn't like looking at him. he was too attractive. it was distracting and possibly inappropriate. it made me conclude that there should be no attractive men. well, there can be one, but just for me.

here's a lovely quote from my book: "tom, in life a person mustn't get everything at once, because then you can't appreciate it".

i'm glad you're back. i've missed you in the hole.

let me be the one you're running to.

poetry

too much freedom is a bad thing.

i'm exhausted by the countless possibilities around me. i'm the kind of person who likes to make the most of my opportunities because who knows when i'll get another. and so, as a result, i'm go go going all the time. i often double book myself. when i finally do have a break in my crammed schedule, i usually delight in the slow pace and how much i enjoy it. i was feeling pretty overwhelmed today, torn between my desire to go out to the screening room, and my instinctive desire to just stay at home and have a low-key evening. i found myself wishing i wasn't able to go out, for my freedom to be cut off so i was able to just stay home and not feel bad about it. and so i did. i created a peaceful environment for myself. i didn't turn my computer on when i arrived home. and discovered how great it is not cramming my life full of activities. the freedom you get from restricting yourself. i often feel paralyzed by the opportunities available to my generation, and yet feel stifled because unless you choose to live abroad your life is expected to follow a certain path. complete freedom or complete confident. i choose neither. i think for the next little while i'll only have my home computer on for one hour each day. it will force me into a slower-paced reality, and i'll use my time more wisely. something's gotta give. i need more structure in some ways, and less in others. living shouldn't feel like never-ending list of tasks, even if they're tasks i love doing. there's more to it than that. i love doing stuff, but i also love just being. i need to get back in touch with just being.

we agreed: apathy is very unattractive.

what you thought was freedom was just greed.

misinterpretations

the fireworks were beautiful tonight, and so was the company. it was fun, as we walked downtown we met up with more and more people we knew until we'd grown into a massive posse. it's always neat on canada day in kingston after the fireworks, there's one huge exodus unlike any other event in this city.

it's been a nice first of july.

earlier this evening matt, cas, shan and i went to donate blood. however, all three of us girls were disqualified because our iron was low. it was disappointing. they gave us a list of foods that contain more iron so we can increase our in take. it makes me wonder if that's why i've been having such a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings.

i love commiserating. we have each other, although it's not enough, it's good enough for now.

i find the people setting off fire crackers at the m centre across the street disconcerting. they sound too close. and i'm phobic.

i'm SO close, yet so far away.

i'd share a life and you'd share a life.

joystick

i find it funny that they're called "thighs" on men too.

i think i saw don cherry drive by my house today in a funeral procession. although, i can't be sure because i didn't have my glasses on. but i'm pretty sure it was him, he was wearing a high collared shirt, or a neck brace......

it's been a lovely long weekend. absolutely perfect. my house is the most tidy/organized it's ever been. i got to relax a lot AND still get to spend time with friends. friday feels a long time ago now. i like the slow-paced life. i sort of wish the weekend was just starting instead of finishing.

i can see your years in my reflection.

re-hashing

melinda and i went to parrots bay today!

this is exciting because i pass it everyday, twice a day, on my way to and from work. and for the last 4.5 years i've been thinking "i should go there sometime". i'm very excited to finally have done it. it was really beautiful, and in many ways i think it blows lemoine's point out of the water. in other ways it's WAY creepier. like, check out this eerie car. it's one of two discarded cars in the parrots bay conservation area. they made us very uncomfortable.


on our way there, i wanted to show melinda my office because it was so close by. it was very cool because i've never had the chance to ever show anyone my cubicle before. i liked it a lot, i wish i could show more people where i work. she really liked my cube, and thought my raised desk was neat. so fun :)

sometimes i like just sitting on couches telling people crazy stories from my life. it's especially fun when they react with as much excitement and enthusasium as i feel about my tales. thank you for affirming me, and assuring me that it's not all in my head.

the weightless words the heart attracts.
i want it all.

clothes peg

i'm watching the most beautiful lightening storm outside my window.

i've spent the day doing a necessary overhaul of the maxi-pad. it's been messy for an unreasonable length of time, and unorganized for even longer. i'm quite pleased with today's accomplishments. i feel like my home is taking shape. i'm not naturally an orderly person, but i thrive in organization, so i realize it's important to make the effort to stay on top of everything. although, that doesn't mean i always succeed. without question i have an incredible little apartment. i can't tell you how many times i've been grateful i didn't buy a house.

we are comrades. so different and yet the same.

i wonder sometimes if i've used up my quota. if i've been blessed beyond measure and i can't expect anything more.

time can paint the picture for you.

york

june has turned out to be quite the month for new things. this evening rhonda and i went on a 1000 islands dinner cruise. this is her last night of freedom before her mom heads back to newfoundland, and we wanted to make the most of it. we got all dressed up and thoroughly enjoyed the occasion. it was really neat. the food was really good and the entertainment was very entertaining. i like being creative and doing new things – although, that should be obvious by now. i learned that there are actually 2,800 islands in the "1000 islands" and that to be qualified as an island a landmass has to be at least 6 sq. ft with 2 trees on it. interesting.

oh my goodness. i'm so excited that it's a long weekend. i think one of the best parts of having a day off, is knowing the night before that you don't have to go to work the next day.

it's a trade off. 6 of one, half a dozen of the other. there's really no comparison. society is making me feel guilty about my six. it's as though i shouldn't be entitled. ok, maybe society is not to blame, it's probably just my psychosis. i guess sometimes i want to feel as though it's ok, that i'm fine and acceptable just as i am. i don't always want to fight this uphill battle, and feel as though i have to convince people that i'm up to par. i wonder if everyone actually thinks i'm a second-rate citizen or if i just feel like they do.

let me pick the best fruit from your tree.

affidavit

is it just me... or is it normal to feel invincible and vulnerable at the same time.

i can't put into words what i'm feeling right now. i wish i could post the melody of this song. it tells it all.

i've been thinking a lot lately about how other people perceive me. i don't generally get my self-worth from other people, and i'm not a people-pleasure so i don't particularly care what others think. what i've been wondering is how i come across to other people, whether or not it's the same as how i perceive myself. i'm been particularly wondering about what negative things people might say about me behind my back. i wonder if i've would be shocked and horrified, if i'd agree with them, or come up with petty excuses for my behaviour. i dunno. i guess i'd rather not know. all i can do is apologize for all my short-comings. regardless, i've concluded that my reflection looks different to myself than to those around me. it makes me curious about this version of myself i've never met. i wonder if i'd like her and what i'd think.

i dunno, i feel like people (strangers/acquaintances) look at me different in my new car. i find that puzzling. why should my vehicle make any difference.

i'm blossoming. and it's not even raining.

one by one the seasons change you.

headphones

i got the distinct impression that she didn't approve of my rock-and-a-hard-place lifestyle. but that's how i work. i don't give up on things until it's very obvious that it's time to move on. i prefer when circumstances force me in a specific direction. maybe i'm just lazy, or not much of a chance taker, but certainty is just about the only thing i can handle. right now we're in limbo, but it feels more like purgatory. i don't like it. but sometimes we live thru experiences we don't enjoy. i know this. i've learned to live with it. but that doesn't make me less inclined to speed thru to the other side.

i wonder how you spell severance package.

how can i practice when i can't find the time!?!?

it's hard to be objective. i'm pretty sure he could smear poop on a board and i'd think it's magical. it's a problem i have.

it's only uncertainty and most of which won't bother me.

dickey-dee

this evening FLEW by. i wish it could last another 4 hours. i didn't nearly get done everything i'd wanted to, although, i did enjoy everything i did.

i have this problem where i could eat zucchini infinitely. part of me thinks i should just go chop up a dozen zucchinis, fry them up and eat them until i'm completely full. i wonder if it would end there....

are good actions canceled out by bad motives? i like to check my motives, and honestly they're not always good. but most of the time i conclude doing this deed is good and valuable regardless of my attitude or motive behind it. usually my heart catches up with the rest of me.

at times it feels like i'm standing still while the world spins around me, instead of the other way around. i'm stationary. everything else is shape-shifting.

it's upsetting when my predictions come true. i'd rather be happy than right.

didn't have all that much to say.

pulse

i like doing stuff. i really do. sometimes i get really tired of talking all the time. i like doing stuff, and talking while the doing is taking place. let's all do stuff more often. but don't let that dissuade you from hanging out with me, i like tea and knitting too. just right now i feel a need to do stuff. doing stuff is great.

shannon and i tie-dyed this evening. we'd never done it before, and were super excited. we each did four or five items: t-shirts, underwear, haltertops, a table cloth. it was really neat and easy once we got the hang out it. it's funny because they all look really similar because we kept using the same colour dye over and over :) my hands are purple, they look bruised.

this is shannon being excited over our tie-dyed stuff. she's holding the underpants she dyed for her mom. she's not wearing her regular clothes – they are her tie-dying clothes.

sometimes it takes me WAY too long to write my entry because i spend a really long time finding the right quote. i'm very particular.

i've got a bad idea again.

accordion

emotions are affected by words. sometimes i find i feel something more strongly once i talk about it outloud. i become more frustrated or more infatuated after sharing my feelings with someone. i have to be careful or my feelings will get carried away. other times, i become less angry or less hurt once i talk it out.

yesterday we had a fantastic time at skeleton park music festival. i say 'we' because i speak for everyone on my blanket and in my general vicinity. i think even brenda, who broke her toe in a three-legged race, had fun :) it was really neat because joy & tim came with the kids for a couple hours in the morning. joelle made a craft in the kids area and the boys played on the climber. joy said she and tim felt a little out of their element because they're "not cool", but they still had a really good time. i think it's good for them to be exposed to another culture and i personally really enjoyed introducing them a little more to my lifestyle and community.

i haven't yet mastered dancing like no one is watching.

i'm really loving my new wheels. i really enjoy driving it a lot which means i'm tempted to drive places that i should walk to. although, on the other hand the mojo-mobile use more gas that the batmobile, which encourages me to walk as often as i can. it feels like a catch 22. this is my third car that i haven't had to go shopping for.

when people tell me that they're jealous i say "thank you" i'm not really sure if that's the correct answer or not, but it feels appropriate. like, i think usually people just shrug that sort of thing off, and secretly feel flattered. but i dunno, i just don't feel comfort being that smug because i know i'm incredibly blessed and am keenly aware of the fact that i can't take credit for anything.

my dad's so funny. he can't type, but boy, could he lay a brick if he had to.

i'm a roller coaster turning round
you look me up when i'm upside-down.

AFVB 173

i got my car today! i bought a 2000 honda crv. it's bright red. for the last 4 years i've been wanting a completely impractical car. something that makes people say "huh? that's YOUR car?". that's not why i bought my new crv, but it's a definite bonus. yes, i have no need for a small suv, but the opportunity arose to buy it at a less than reasonable price, so i took it. i'm pretty excited. i feel really high up, and it's so roomy! i'm gonna really take care of it, i learned the hard way the downside of not maintaining your car. it's been a little tricky to get used to but i think i'm slowly figuring it out. the gear box feels different when i change gears, and the gas pedal is really sensitive. you know, just normal different car stuff.

i've named it the mojo-mobile. not to be confused with "mofo". and i've put one of my apple stickers on the back bumper. i've been saving those stickers since i got my computer for something cool enough to be worthy of them. i wanted to use the stickers that came with my first mac that were of the original apple symbol, but i didn't want people to confuse it with another rainbow symbol often used on car bumpers.

i went strawberry picking this evening with shannon, rhonda, isaac and rhonda's mom 'dot'. shannon and i'd never been strawberry picking before. it was great. the strawberries were so juicy and ripe. they just smush and melt in your mouth. delightful :) it was really fun and exciting (in it's own way). now i have 2 lbs of strawberries in my fridge and i'm allergic to them so i can't eat many at a time. i think i'll take an allergy pill then gorge myself tomorrow :p

she's my safety-net. i don't know what i'll do with out her. or what'll happen over the next couple of months. but i won't be afraid.

don't you worry it'll all work out.

causeway

the front half of my house remains in catastrophic state, plus, i'm running low on dishes and have resorted to drinking juice and milk out of mugs. except, i'm now all out of juice so i've taken to drinking old flat ginger ale that's been in the fridge since who knows when. i'm running low on the basics. me and the knickers. we're like bachelors. except she's a widow, and i'm a bachelorette.

we agreed that he did not impress us. she thought he was evil and i thought he was overrated.

i heard on the cbc today that gas prices are expected to reach $2.25/litre. which means eventually it may cost me 100 bux to fill my tank. so i've decided that in july i'll start advertising for a car-pooler. i figure we can take turns driving, one week in my car, one week in their car. that'll save us having to exchange money AND it's more likely to appeal to someone because most people have a hard time relinquishing their car (myself included). i'm crossing my fingers that i won't get any creepy people responding to my poster in the cafeteria. with my luck i will. although there aren't that many creepy people at my work, but there are number of men who are more friendly then i'd like them to be. oddly enough, at work i generally don't socialize with anyone i don't need to. i guess that's because i make a lot of effort to socialize with strangers outside of work that somehow think i'm off the hook at the office. anyways, barely anyone lives downtown, so i might get lucky, it might eliminate most of my unpreferred candidates. man, sometimes i can sound like such a jerk....

tell us what's going on,
feel's like everything's wrong.

blinking

i bought a canoe chair today. kate had one and let me use it at wolfe island music festival last year. they're really neat. i wanted to get it to use at skeleton park this saturday. this is what it looks like. this is how you sit in it (minus the arm gesture). they're kind of a back saver when you're sitting on the ground for long periods of time.

i cleaned out my car today. i did a complete detailing of it for the first time ever. my batmobile is 15 years old and has served me well for 6 years, as it did my sister before me. i wish i'd treated it better, taken better care of it. it's been a good dependable car. the end of our long-term relationship draws near. i had to clean it out because i'm expecting a call any day now that my new car is ready, and i'll take my 93' civic to strathcona for the trade. seeing it so clean and kempt makes me i wish i'd cleaned it that thoroughly for myself from time to time. joy and i both feel a strong nostalgic connection to that car. as silly as it seems i feel like a little more of my childhood goes with it. that's the car i grew into a women in. it was my coming of age car.

it's much easier to keep secrets when there's one one around to tell them to.

it's a small world after all – pang makes local news! clickity

it feels a little worse
than when we drove our hearse
right through that screaming crowd.

screensaver

what makes a killer song? is it the music or the lyrics? or is it the perfect marriage of music + lyrics??

i'm wearing my hoodie inside out and scheming up a storm. i need a massage and some permanent ink.

let's petition him once daily in hopes that he might hear our prayers.

you're on. you, me and yahtzee.

i know it's complicated,
but don't you think giving up is so overrated?

jello

there's one simple pleasure that beats starting a new book – finishing a great book.

sometimes the obvious has to be stated. it feels unnecessary and yet stating the obvious can do so much.

when i spend too much time with crazy people i begin to accept their reality as mine. actually, not too much time, ANY amount of time. which is bad and scary. because they're not seeing things as they actually are. i wish i had a better external filter to defuse what others are saying. i already have enough internal conflicts, i don't need other people throwing logs on the fire.

joelle (turning 5), caleb (just turned 3)

my dad (a.k.a. granddad) and liam (3.5 mos
– he's wearing clothes joelle & caleb fit into at 6 mos)

i had my family over for dinner this evening. it was nice. i think i'm just going to leave my dishes until tomorrow. ya. i think i'm gonna. yup. that's what i'm going to do.

i made my dad a card for father's day. i've decided i'm never buying cards again but instead will just make them out of cardboard and magazine clippings. i used my card as an opportunity to tell him that he makes me feel loved and valued. and that i appreciate how much of an interest he has in all that i do. and that i'm proud of him. he's a good dad.

you know more than you think you do.

whimsical

this morning i snuck out of church and ran to the corner store to buy some deodorant because i forgot to put some on when i got dressed.

which do you guys think is cheaper: food basics or no frills? i usually go to food basics on my way home from work, but this afternoon i went to no frills, and i definitely noticed some things were cheaper, while other things were more expensive. hm.

on my way home from the grocery store i stopped in at "the original hockey hall of fame" which is located at the corner of york and alfred. i've passed it many times and have often thought "i should go in there sometime". i'm not a hockey fan, but you know, it's yet another thing i've never done before. as i walked in i was kind of excited, but it turns out there's a 5 dollar admission fee and i didn't think it was worth it so i left.

i've been doing a massive overhaul of my apartment because i've been living in squaller for the last little while. plus my family is coming over here tomorrow for some father's day festivities. to make room in my kitchen for the extra table and chairs, i had to wheel my dishwasher into the closet (i always do this when having guests, it's a pretty good system). as i rearranged my closet to make room for the dishwasher i discovered my purple t-shirt! the same purple shirt i "accused" my laundromat of losing! oops. but i honestly thought it was gone forever, and have many times lamented it's absence. i feel badly about getting a free load of laundry under false pretenses, but i'm thrilled to be reunited with my t-shirt. it went so nicely with my one skirt.

i'm reading "a complicated kindness" right now per the suggestion of gen and beckie. it's been really good. this is my favourite line from it "i was moulded to my french horn case like the ken doll is to his underwear". too hilarious. hahaha.

will you just look at me!

backwards

sometimes it's extremely frustrating trying to put two and two together. it makes my brain hurt. literary.

i was trying to do some housekeeping this evening. the kitties were out on the balcony while i was vacuuming and mopping. at one point i noticed i hadn't seen pekoe for a while. an hour passed and i still hadn't come across him any place. sometimes that happens so i didn't think a lot of it, although it's a little disconcerting but he always turns up. when i noticed their food bowels where empty i thought "when i fill these pekoe will come out of his hiding spot". but honey only showed up. that's when i became slightly alarmed. by this time it was about 10:30. i went out on the balcony and looked into the darkness and said "koe-koe?", then heard a little "meow" response from below in my neighbour's driveway. i dashed to the back of my house and down the stairs to get him. i'm SO thankful that he'd stayed in the driveway. i have NO idea how long he'd been down there, it was definitely longer than an hour. i'll always wonder how he got down there, he doesn't seem hurt. it's probably a 12 ft drop. i don't know if it was an accident – if he fell or if he jumped. i hope it doesn't happen again, i've been worried that could happen, but thought it was unlikely. i guess i was wrong.

this afternoon was joanna's wedding shower. it was pretty fun. we played some games and all worked together on a scrapbook for her, which was a neat idea. i gave her a bombardier postcard. i thought it represented me pretty well since it covers TWO of my obsessions – trains and postcards :) i won a crocheted bumblebee potholder for having the most stuff in my bag. last time i played that game (at melody's shower) i totally lost. i think it depends on the crowd. no other party would've had "knitting/crafty supplies" listed. score.

i felt really beautiful this afternoon down in market square. i don't know why, i just did and it felt great.

are you hoping for a miracle?

mozak

i bought a bikini today. it's brown with flowers on it. i've been planning to buy a bikini for 2 years now. i'm glad i did it. now wearing it in public will be a whole other story.

i like it when talking with friends to not just theorize "oh that would be a fun thing to do", but instead to actually plan the logistics and make it happen.

it's all in the past. like water under the bridge. funny that it just took 2.5 years and 876 blog entires to reach that point. i'd forgotten. it'd slipped my mind completely. time does that.

it got so warm that none of us could sleep.

phases

well i've got HALF my apartment cleaned. it's a start at least.

there are words unsaid between us. they hang there in the air like fireflies or a powerful odor, glaringly obvious. we choose to ignore them. it's better to not point it out. better to let sleeping dogs lie.

sometimes i wish i could pass on life lessons like we can pass on books or knitting needles. but it doesn't work that way. i wish i could bind-up the broken-hearted and make it all ok. but i can't. somethings people just have to live thru and only time will make it better. it's hard for me to watch, i want to spare them the heartache.

i wonder where you are and when you'll get here.

sometimes i wonder what it would be. i let my mind wander and deconstruct myself. i always feel like there's a stone still left unturned. that at any moment a secret skeleton will fall out of my closet, one i didn't know about. some secret cadaver that's been stinking up the place and would keep you away.

admittedly i'm a little bored with my life right now. i need some spice.

there's a dead end to my left,
there's a burning bush to my right.

on

so... i was thinking that i'd sew together this little winter jacket for the ram so that it won't get cold. in the meantime you could sow the mustard seeds, then fix the fence that you rammed into with the car...

i got a new computer a work today. i've known there was a new one on the way, and i can't say i was happy to hear this. i LOVE my computer at work. i would hug it if i could. true, it's not a mac, but i grow attached to my tools whether it's a blade, or a ruler, or a pc. i spent some time in the morning "packing" everything i needed in my external drive so that all i had to do was plug it into my new computer. the IT guys said they'd be back around 11:30, several hours went by. i became antsy, if i was going to get a new computer then i wanted to get it over with. finally at 3:30 they arrived. so far everything has gone smoothly, quicker than the last time my compy was upgraded. while we waited for it to install my adobe cs3 suite i nipped into the bathroom. i was anxious to get back to it, already i felt protective of my new machine, and i didn't like the idea of a stranger fiddling with it. i think that's a good sign that i'll adjust quickly.

it seemed windy enough after work today to fly my kite. walking across the street to the m centre my pirate ship quickly took flight and i tried to keep a tight rein of it so that it didn't reach the powerlines. unfortunately when i reached the park the wind had died down and there wasn't a strong breeze. it did take off for about 45 seconds, but not again. whenever i fly my kite i wish i was at least a foot taller. there's this large enclosed area that reminds me as a place where people store horses, i imagine them running around and throwing their heads back while neighing. anyway, i climbed it and sat very precariously on a very rough board about 5 feet off the ground. it seemed like a sliver waiting to happen. my legs dangled freely. honestly i was nervous that i'd fall, but tried to steady my centre of gravity. i sat for a while, calmly, quietly, holding my kite string. it's moments like that that are my favourites.

sometimes when i'm trying to be helpful i fear i only make things worse.

i'm weirded out. the world (or should i say kingston) is way too small.

i can lie to myself and say i like it,
but i would love it if you were here.

vine

i think my cat is in love with my shower curtain. and i don't mean that in a general kind of way. i mean it in a romantic way. every time i'm in the bathroom she comes in and immediately starts making out with the shower curtain. she starts licking it intensely and purring loudly. it's like i'm interrupting a private moment. i find it repugnant.

i need to find the courage. i need to get it done.

they say that 85% of the things we worry about never happen. that makes me worry that my worries will fall within the 15% success rate.

there are thoughts i'd wish i'd heard.

secretary

i lit my citronella candle for the first time this evening as i sat out front on my balcony. the flame rose quickly and wildly, at times reaching 5" in height. i watched it flicker and dance in the dark, i was both compelled and hypnotized. i couldn't look away because when i did i had one of those reverse imprints embedded on my eye. i sat there amazed by that little wick that created such a large flame, and how unpredictable it moved. amazing.

i wonder if i'll always feel like a little girl or if i'll eventually begin thinking of myself as a matured woman. i want that, and don't at the same time.

right now i'm duking it out all fisty cuffs with nature. it's a battle of wills. how hot will it get before i crack and dig out the fan. i don't like air-conditioning, i think it's gross. i like fans but after my first summer here, i received an obscene hydro bill from using fans, so i put the kibosh on that. since then i see how long i can last until it's unbearable, i try to come up with other coping mechanisms. i like a challenge. PLUS i love the heat, so i'm not about to complain. it's uncomfortable, but more pleasant than the cold. i don't even like a cool breeze, hence the reason i prefer the heat. that and it gives me an excuse to dress scandalously around the house.

sometimes i want to yell things from roof tops. i have this romantic notion that everything would be so much better if i could holler secrets from high places.

i've been living in silence lately. my usual self always has music playing. always. except for the last week or so, my house is silent. i like listening to the sounds of my home. it's calming, and oddly enough less time consuming.

i'm going to bed now. you are on a bus.

often i'm waiting on the one that maybe won't come.

you should go

phoenix

i will ever "not know" more than i "know".
we will never know more than we don't.

life is all about perceptions. my dad comes over and always comments "this male cat is so affectionate". i say "ya", when i really think pekoe's needy and always hassling me to be petted. i think he's WANTING affection, while my dad thinks he's GIVING affection.

buddy is in town and i had the pleasure of lunch (or a late breakfast rather) with him at the goat. we walked around the hood for a while, and watched the shortest parade we've ever seen. it's pride weekend in kingston, and the parade was roughly 50ft long. we stood at the corner of princess and clergy watching it, and as it passed we walked down to the goat to where my bike was and his car was parked. this meant we walked alongside the parade the entire way. we felt like we were stalking it, or sideline participants.

i'm a calculated person. just about everything i do is intentional. some of the things i SAY are accidental, but i never do anything mistakenly. sometimes it's exhausting being deliberate all the time, but it saves me from having regrets. i can mostly feel confident in my choices, even though i reserve the right to change my mind. because i'm such a calculated person it really bothers me when people tell me what to do. it aggravates me because i already intended to do such-and-such, and if i didn't it's because i decided not to (for good reason). sometimes i wish my word would be enough and people wouldn't always feel compelled to question me. those who know me best know that when i'm decided about something, i'm usually 100% sold. they know me to not be very flexible.

sometimes i wish people would stop thinking i'm completely free simply because i'm unattached. i'm not isolated, i'm actually not without people depending on me. i actually think i have more people depending on me because i'm not legally obligated to someone. when someone is married or has children, other people don't expect as much from them – because they're "very busy".

we can't decide to love someone – we love who we love. i guess we hate who we hate too.

it's been a quiet, warm weekend. it's been nice. a few times i've thought "i should call so-and-so" but i don't want to. if i did i'd do it. i'm intentional that way.

i'm circling around the sun,
hoping for a chance to see.

tango

sometimes it seems i do things just to torture myself. i'm a glutton for self-punishment.

she reminded me that the grass is always greenest where it's most often watered. how true that is.

i could unravel myself like a sweater. sometimes i feel tempted to challenge people to a duel to see who could deface me fastest. i take pride in my confidence that i would surely win. i know my faults more intimately than anyone else does. when i get a sense that someone thinks ill of me i find it laughable, and think to myself "you've got to be kidding me. you've only just begun to scratch the surface. i've got way worse ammo against myself than THAT. you have NO idea." – you know when you're overly confident when you think your better at being critical of yourself then anyone else. hahaha.

there are few simple pleasure that are better than beginning a new book. cracking open the first few pages of a hefty novel. i feel lost when i'm in-between books. i wish i'd picked up my next one this afternoon, i hope i make it thru the night :p

i should've stayed away. it rubs me the wrong way and leaves me feeling like i've been exfoliated with sandpaper. every damn time.

if you want to make God laugh, make a plan.

hint

the air outside is sweet with the scent of rain.

melinda and i went to see sex and the city tonight. i loved it. you know how those girls theoretically represent all types of women and we can all relate to one of them? well i concluded tonight that i'm a carrie bradshaw – for various reasons.

i realized that my freak-out this afternoon was no more than a minor disappointment manifesting itself as a crisis. once i discovered the true cause of my panic attack i felt much relieved. while at the same time feeling rather shallow.

i hold everything loosely. even my hearts greatest desire i'm still rather "hum-ho" about. i don't think i was always that way. over time i've learned to set my expectations low. i think that hurts me the most, realizing that i don't even feel eligible for high hopes. the only thing i've truly grown to expect was me falling on my face.

as i stood in my kitchen with his empty t-shirt in my hands, i couldn't resist smelling it. i don't think i've ever been close enough to smell him in real life, so i can't confirm if it actually smells like him or not.

sometimes i have to ask myself "is it really worth it?" when dealing with the people around me. my irish streak tries to persuade me to fight for my rights, when really in the long run it's probably easier to just go with the flow.

we'll just start our own convent – the sisters of sexy immi.

i'm afraid that my love is gonna come up short.

cerlox

tomorrow is caleb's third birthday. we all got together this evening to celebrate. it was a really fun time. strangely enough, i feel like caleb is only now recognizing me. i don't know what it was before, but it was as though he didn't know me or wasn't familiar with me, but he does now and we had loads of fun. he's also finally able to say my name, or at least close enough. i got to hold liam a lot tonight which was very enjoyable. joy was amazed at how comfortable he is with me (he usually cries when other people hold him or if joy's not in his line of vision), she kept saying "wow, liam really likes lesley". which makes me feel good :) i've really been enjoying my sister's kids lately. it's confirmed that i'd really like to have my own someday. not any day soon, but someday for sure.

joy and tim are buying a van and with that are mourning their youth. they got a nice van, but unfortunately no matter how great it is, it's still a van. and it's an automatic. they're disappointed to say good-bye to their crv. i remember back when they were in their early twenties and bought a deep-freeze. they felt so grown up and would rub it in my face that i wasn't a grown-up yet because i didn't own a deep-freeze. i still don't have one, but i wouldn't accept one for all the mini-vans in the world. life is peculiar the way we're always excited to grow up, and yet we dread growing older.

i read today that there are two different kinds of lies. 1) we lie to get what we want. 2) we lie to protect someone else from getting hurt. i lied to him for the very first time. it still kills me. i think my reason was a little of both, with a little bit of protecting myself thrown in there too. one thing i know for sure is that i never want to do it again. at least that means i learned something and probably won't make that mistake again.

there's a secret i've been keeping from you.
there's a secret i've been keeping for you.

omit

this morning i woke up feeling remarkably well rested. usually when this happens i know i've over-slept. so i rolled over and checked the clock. it was 6:23 – right on-time – my alarm didn't wake me because i forgot to arm it the night before. apparently my internal clock is getting finally used to this time-zone. lately it feels like time is on my side, or maybe i'm getting a better grasp of how long i take to do different tasks and am budgeting my time accordingly. i like it. it's like i have room to move instead of always being under the gun.

i discovered today that in iran a thumbs up means the same as giving someone the finger. this has obviously lead to misunderstandings.

this evening i went to see the stone angel at the screening room. it was good, yet sad. it made me think a lot about my parents growing old, it helped me decide that if i'm living alone in 20 years i'll invite one or both of them to live with me. that seems like a nice idea, and i think i'd enjoy that most of the time. i might invite them even if i have a house full of people – i'd just have other people to consider in that case. personally, i'd have no issue eventually moving into an old-folks home. i've always found something appealing about living in an institution. a lot of people try to tell me "oh lesley, it's not that great. you'll feel different about leaving your own home when you reach that point". and to them i say let me have my fantasy. don't squash it and instead give me something to dread.

all the clouds have silver linings.

peek-a-boo

732

i like to have my patio door to my balcony open whenever i'm at home. i leave the screen door open so the cats can come in and out at will. i also like the fluid feeling it creates between my house and the bigger world outside. it makes it all the same. large flies often fly in, but they fly out too. earlier this afternoon i walked into the kitchen to find the breeze flowing thru the open door to be much cooler than i'd like. for a brief moment the thought "it's never going to warm up" popped into my head. i resigned to accept the notion that summer was going to be skipped over this year and we'd live in a luke-warm state until fall. however, reality rebounded and reminded me that i just have to wait, and summer will be along shortly. even if i have to wait a little longer than i thought.

this is true in other elements of my life right now too. i'm finding myself immersed in personal tragedies of the people around me. it's disheartening and disillusioning. my mom tells me i'm a bleeding heart and that i have to learn to not take on the hurts of everyone around me. but it's so hard. i love these people. i love really easily, and it's impossible not sympathize with their plight. my heart goes out to those in crisis. but just like with summer, with enough time, they'll make it thru. and just because it feels like there's no end to the cold days, there is. we'll just wait it out together.

i remember several years ago standing in the kitchen of pirates cove talking with my friend andrew from high school. i said to him that i knew that change is certain, but i just couldn't see how change would come about. sitting here in this place now i can't see why my life would change down the road, but i know it will. even if i stay the same, the things around me won't. funnily enough not long after that conversation with andrew i started going to next. that was a major change. life altering. things change quickly. my job is to make the most of things now – which i think i AM doing. i think. i have a good life.

so i won't be dismayed or downcast. instead i'll play my bouncy music. i'll tidy this mess of an apartment. and relish the small things. and the big things that i take for granted – like this apartment and all that makes it messy.

it's a bittersweet symphony, this life.

suffocated

i'm just going to come out and say something that is probably really unpopular. but having a boyfriend or having children is not the purpose of one's life.

i'm saddened to discover that one of my friends has become yet another relationship causality. that her life, interests and friends are all now dead to her because she has a boyfriend. i'm not sure where this mentality comes from, but it's far too rampant in our society. people seem to believe that they spend their lives searching for "the one", and all their activities up until that point keep them occupied until that happens. however, in reality, having a partner is PART of our life journeys, but not the purpose for it. i wish we could all shake off this misconception, because it's horribly unhealthy. it puts way too much pressure on the spouse to make that person's life fulfilled.

marriage, relationships, and children are good, healthy and valuable. the problem is when they become the centre of people's existence. the alarm bell should go off when you look around and realize "if this person died today, i would have nothing". and i really mean nothing. that you have no friends, and no interests outside that person. i've been there. when my boyfriend left me back in 2004, i had nothing. nothing at all. thankfully i DID have the bare remnants of a friendship with melinda who willingly admitted me back into her life instead of holding a grudge against me (which would've been justified). i understand what it's like to love your partner more than life itself. i can imagine what it's like to love your child completely sacrificially. this is not the same thing as a relationship causality. we all need to maintain our identities outside those roles. people are not defined by being a wife or mother. those are elements of identities, but they are not the sum of all the parts.

do something just for you. have activities and experiences outside of that box. i can guarantee that you'll enjoy it, and it will probably improve that relationship. sometimes people think "if only i could spend more time with so-and-so, things will be ok" when really, we all just need some space to breathe.

p.s. this was not directed at anyone of you. my anonymous friend has never read pspd.

i feel like i'm watching you drown and it's killing me.

another one bites the dust.

everest

i always like bob saget. i admit, there was a time there when i went along with the crowd of saying he was lame, but i always found his cheesy jokes amusing.

i'm really sick. this may be one of the worst colds i've ever had. thankfully my sinus aren't bothering me. i called in this morning to say i wasn't coming into work, then went back to sleep until 2:30. sometimes when i'd stir i'd think "maybe i should get up" but i was just tired, and so so sick, so i stayed in bed. it was nice not having anything i needed to do.

i had plans with my dad for him to come over for dinner, he said he'd bring some minos, so didn't even have to make dinner. that was nice. it was fun, he brought some old photos from his childhood that my uncle sent him. i'd never seen pictures of him younger than 15 before. i saw pictures of my grandpa for the very first time. i was surprised to discover that he had blue eyes! everyone in my immediate family has dark hair and dark eyes, so i assumed that was a family trait. i asked him how my grandma died, and what his youngest memory is. my earliest memory is from when we lived in courtright, and he was surprised i could remember that because i was only 2 years old.

oh i feel so so sick. when i'm sick i'm a big baby. i like to whine and moan, i make silly jokes to myself and giggle at my ridiculous behaviour. i shuffle my feet when i walk and tend to stumble along on an angle. it's quite pathetic really, but i can justify my actions because it's just me and my moany-state doesn't coerce people into doing for me. being a whiney baby on these occasions brings me some joy.

i'm going to get into bed now and sleep in an upright position. my nose is raw.

make me a believer
the seas will part somehow

code

i just got home from seeing young @ heart at the screening room. i have to tell ya, it was fabulous. it made me laugh, grin, and admire their lovely lives. imagine being 92 and in a rock band? too awesome. i want to be a senior citizen misbehaving. those of you who go to next, do you remember when they played a video of an old man singing "fix you" by coldplay during the service? that was a clip from that movie. here's one of my favourite music videos by them. haha :D



there's a lot of things i look forward to doing as an old lady. i hope to own my own house and have a lavished garden. i want to go to matinees and socialize with lonely and isolated people. i'll listen to book tapes, and do crossword puzzles as mental exercises. i'll take up watercolour painting, and then eventually just fingerpainting. i think in many ways it's grand to grow old. i just hope i'm not crouchy, and that i don't grow a beard.

i seriously encourage all of you to go to the screening room to see it, if not rent it when it comes out. it's a beautiful tail of aging dynamically.

i'm feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed these days. i'm combating it strategically and by cutting out the unnecessary. i found myself wondering how and when my life became so busy and active. i suppose it was gradual.

you may say i'm a dreamer.

wallpaper

it's unbelievably beautiful out tonight. i just biked home from the erbs place and was stuck by how homey and inviting my balcony looks with it's twinkle lights strung along the awning. as i made dinner this evening i looked out the door to see a couple walking by who were looking up at my apartment. this happens quite often and i'm always startled thinking they're looking at me. they never are, i'm not even sure if they see me. the woman in this particular couple was smiling and said to the man "oh, i really like that" and gestured to my balcony. that made me grin and feel proud of my little abode.

i think i'm judgmental of her judgmentalism. i need to stop.

i got my bike all tuned up for the season the other day. i'd never greased the chain before, wow, it makes a remarkable difference. i love biking, it could be one of my favourite summer pass-times. i ride my tank of a mountain bike like a bmx, opting to peddle standing up instead of sitting. i'm surprised at my confidence on a bike considering my face has been banged up repeatedly from biking accidents – twice requiring stitches between my eyes.

i'm beyond grateful to be surrounded by like-minded people. i think i'm almost spoiled that way. my marriage creep-out has been somewhat appeased after spending an evening with jason and rachel. i suppose they reminded me that marriage is what you make of it, and it doesn't have to be like it seems on tv or the suburbs.

i am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding.

gone

it's scary when you realize that you're a commitment phobe. it dawned on me that i'm totally afraid of marriage and that i purposely fall for emotionally unavailable men because i find it easier to love then accept love. i love loving. i hate the vulnerability of being on the receiving end. i always feel so tense that i'm going to somehow do something to cause the person to stop loving me. i guess i'm not confident in other people's ability to love unconditionally. i think the same can be said about friendships, but to a lesser extent. i love people in general really easily, and mostly without expecting anything in return. because expectations lead to disappointments.

i've heard it said many times that marriage is about compromise, but as an observer, it seems to me that there's always one partner that has to compromise more than the other. and that scares me. i've spent the last 4 years building who i am. learning about myself. and developing boldness and confidence in what i discovered about myself. i don't want to lose that. i don't even want to trade it, unless it's for keeps. i'm also disturbed by the notion of causing anyone else to change as well.

i'm 28 years old. it's been 4 years since my last serious-relationship. i'm an ex-relationship junkie, who until january 2004 had dated non-stop for 8 years. boyfriends were my hobby and the longest gap between them was 2 months, the others were more like 2 weeks. it goes without saying that a lot of damage was done during that period in my life. i regret putting so much time and effort into relationships with men who are no longer in my life, and letting my other friendships go. i'm the opposite now. with 4 years of relationship-sobriety under my belt, all of you (with the exception of melinda, melody, and buddy) know me as a single woman who never dates. that seems ironic. i'm very different than i once was, the years of healing have been good to me.

i've become less daring. slow to gamble. i have more at stake. i hope my guardedness won't instead trip me up.

you'll be loved like you never have known.

freshman

it's 3 am and nostalgia is hitting me intensely. it's this song, it's that photo. it could be both, but i'm so overwhelmed with affection that its making me sick to my stomach. sometimes that happens. my stomach is very sensitive. and my heart has the ability to love beyond the scope of my own comprehension. sometimes i hate that, but mostly i wouldn't trade it for the world. i should go to bed before i throw up. besides, i have to get up early to go hangout with optimus prime.

a little big

i find being alive very interesting.

sounding like an old fart, i said to joy & tim last night "everybody is in such a rush to grow-up these days". we laughed, and then i explained myself. i don't mean kids. i mean adults, everyone wants to have RIGHT NOW. people (and myself included) forget that there's time, we don't have to have it all right now. that's something i'm slowly starting to understand. there've been things that i didn't get to do, i had to wait several years for, and when i finally got to i was so pleased. partly because of the wait, and partly because i was ready for a new experience. it's good and comforting when i'm faced with disappointments to know i can create another opportunity down the road. for example, i didn't go on safari when i was in africa, that was disappointing at the time, but i know i'll get another chance. a lot of the time – like the safari – i'm later glad that i didn't go for the whole shebang because it means i get do it the next time. let's not rush. instead, let's pace ourselves.

per dawna's request, here's a photo of the paintings i did for my kitchen wall. (it's hard to tell, but this photo was taking on an angle, that's why they're getting progressively smaller)


i know i'm not being punished, but it really feels that way.

and we could keep sitting around,
watching the paint flake off the walls.
waiting for answers,
that are never gonna come.

vis-à-vis

i'm a bit of a daydreamer. at least i used to be. in my free time (or even in the middle of work or meetings) i zone out and fantasize about life. not sex fantasies, just life fantasies. daydreams. however, over time i've done this a little less often. i've grown jagged. i've come to think that if it's something i can imagine than that makes it immediately unlikely to actually happen. which is disappointing, because i only daydream about stuff i really want to have happen. but i suppose it makes sense that they don't come true. just like the chances of my cat jumping up onto my bed right..... NOW... is unlikely, and the fact that i'm imagining it makes me all the more aware that it's not happening. however, she's jumped up onto the chair beside me instead. interesting. i feel like there's a lesson in that, but i can't formulate the analogy. i'd say in my life-time of daydreaming, my pipe dreams have come true 2, maybe 3, times. and only in very small ways.

i was told once that where your thoughts drift to in the quiet moments is what your heart desires. i find that amazingly true, and not something you can fake. it's something worth putting thought into.

i wish that my wishes would come true. what do you wish for?

there's lots of gray shades,
but that don't make black the same as white.

lock

sometimes you've just got to throw your hands up in the air, and shake'em like you just don't care.

i was kind of disappointed at the very limited response i got to my last entry. it was a genuine question that i hoped my married friends could help me with, and my unwed friends too! rach sent me a solid email and gen posted a comment. i did manage to come up with some answers, but honestly, if you think of anything, please email me! i'm still interested in your insight, we're all alive, so i'm sure you've been affected by this in one way or another. in the meantime, this is what i've come up with...

ok, i think since married men already have a confidant, then they shouldn't need my friendship. and it would make me wonder what they want from me, even on a non-physical level. i would feel used to:
a) boost their ego (that perhaps they can still get attention from single women);
b) give them the illusion of freedom (even if just for an afternoon or drink at the goat);
c) give them a feeling in control of their lives (that they can pick & choose who they're friends with and are not bound by invisible limitations);
or) perhaps it's a jealousy thing (that the single girl is friends with his wife and he feels competitive with her and wants to be friends with the girl too).
and so therefore, i feel confident and justified in my sticking to my gut feeling. i won't be used by any man – intentionally or not.

do you have any idea how beautiful you are right now?

i don't need no
friends like these.

watermelon

sometime i wonder if there are enough words. i wonder if i'll run out.

it occurred to me, that i've been living in the maxi pad for over 2 years. this is the longest i've lived anywhere in ten years :)

i have a question for you. a somewhat touchy subject that people don't often talk about, i guess it never really comes up. guy friends. i don't have any (except for david), and upon further contemplation i don't want any either, at least not any who are occupied. in reality i guess i do have guy friends, but they're guys i'm friends with because they're married to my friends. jase and paul are two examples of this. they're great guys with whom i've enjoy great conversation, i like them both a lot. this being said, i've never hung-out with them without rach or sarah, nor do i want to. if they called me up and were all like "hey les, wanna go to the goat with me for a cup of tea" i'd be weirded out and would come up with some excuse not to. for some reason it feels inappropriate to spend time alone with married man and i can't pin down a reason why. i know these men and trust them immensely, i know nothing questionable would happen as a result of a visit to the goat. i also trust myself, and yet i wouldn't want to hang-out with them in that fashion. can someone explain to me why that is? for some reason i feel things would be different if i was in relationship, i almost hope that is true because i really miss having guy friends. and i hope some day to have some again. it's really confusing and i've been racking my brain all day to come up with an explanation. i know it's possible to be platonic friends with a guy; frank and i are good friends, we've had many long talks and we've shared significant stories from our lives. but i suppose being friends at work is different to spending free time together. it's not a matter of me feeling uncomfortable because of social taboos, or being sensitive to wives or partners, i simply don't want to be close friends with attached men. i think it's different when you've been friends for a long time beforehand, but even then things change. what do you think?

often when i think i'm ready, i realize later that i wasn't ready at all.

i think she's fighting an internal struggle and it's coming out as a prudish exterior. i want to say to her "it's ok! those were just thoughts, thoughts you didn't entertain. you don't have to hide, no one's going to like you any less because of it".

i'm glad my subconscious is all my own. it's mine, i possess it, it doesn't possess me.

just one glimpse can change your life.

asylum

i've planted my sophomore garden. it's so fun and exciting! i'm so fortunate that i have the enclosed back porch, because i was able to do my gardening back there this morning since the weather outside was on the chilly side. there's dirt everywhere, and i haven't bothered to clean it up yet, it's nice having that luxury. i'm very pleased with how my garden looks. i've planted several pots of mixed flowers, some garden boxes of herbs (chives, cliantro, basil, dill, rosemary, mint, and parsley), and one big pot with a cherry-tomato plant. i just need to label them all with popsicle sticks and i'm done. yay! it looks great! although, some of the pots look a little bare, but i keep reminding myself that the plants will grow and fill the space up nicely.

i had such a great victoria day. melinda was over last night and we watched a couple movies on my new dvd player. she left at about 2 am, then i slept until about 10:30 when i got up to plant my garden. i putsied most of the day listening to the cbc. i read for a while, and made myself a casserole late afternoon.

i also finished my "around the world" painting series. completed the last one today, and i now have all 4 up in the kitchen, they look great too. i'm very pleased. this boosts my confidence with painting and i'm excited about doing more. i have a large canvas in my bathroom that's just been waiting to be worked on, i've got to hash out that idea a little more, but i think it's going to be a goldfish of some kind.

this evening i did some knitting and watch van helsing on the space network. it was my very last choice of viewing, but nothing else was on. it was ok, it got me thinking about this massive portion of movies i've been missing out on (guy movies) and i think i should watch some from time to time to be more well-rounded. i'm excited about having a dvd player, it means i can have friends over for movies and such.

ah, life is grand. i've been told before that i live a very charmed life. on days like this it definitely feels that way.

ring my bell.

arbitrary

i can't get over how much my cats like being outside on my balcony. even when it's raining they are pawing to get out. yesterday i was outside sanding my kitchen table in a hailstorm. the top needs to be re-finished. i have to admit, i felt pretty proud of myself. i'm a tough broad who not only uses power-tools, i own them too! those are my work-overalls, i wear them when i'm working on stuff. tomorrow, for example, i'll wear them while i plant my garden! (nice segue huh?) i'm very excited about my garden. i was trying to remember what inspired me to get into gardening, and i can't recall. but i suppose it's one of those things that i love it so much that it seems completely normal and an obvious thing to do.

i played Wii at the butler's place last night for the first time. it was pretty fun! paul and i played tennis, baseball, bowling, and i think something else but i can't remember. it would be fun to take up real tennis as a fun hobby. i need a tennis partner though. hm. anyone want to hit the ball around with me a little? usually i'm more interested in how many times i can get it over the net consecutively than an actual score. this should be noted before anyone signs up to play with me.

i wonder what it would be like to write a memoir. what does it take to make a good story, is it exciting content or interesting writing style. i got thinking about her, and how sad her life has been, and yet she doesn't seem despondent. i marvel at how she's overcome, and it reminds me of how good i've had it. i'm guilty of overlooking great blessings in my own life, not noticing their wonder, i've lost my sense of awe in many ways.

i'm beginning to wonder if i should purge my life a little. i don't need a lot of stuff to survive. at least i shouldn't. whenever i'm away (like i was in montreal or iqaluit), without any access to a computer my life feels so much less cluttered and it seems like i have more time. i don't know if that necessarily means i need to get rid of everything i have, it just means i need to be a better steward with it, and not buy more stuff if i don't need to. i bought some earrings yesterday that i could've done without, and i kind of wish i didn't buy them. hmph, oh well, may this be a lesson to me. may it be the last.

these hands like strangers in the wind,
these eyes float in the breeze.

gung-ho

i've concluded that i'm quite a literal person. if something is supposed to start at a certain time, i expect it to. before my first visit to next, someone told me that it never starts on time. i take that literary, and am, therefore, never on time. man, i can't think of any examples other than time related ones, but i'm sure i'm quite literal. more than many at least.

do you ever wonder about yourself in 10 years? lately i've been wondering what hobbies i'll be into, or new things i'll take a liking to. i wonder if i'll take up jogging, or find the courage to help homeless people. it's all so very interesting. this game of life.

i live in fear of becoming extremely self-centred. i've heard many times that excessive time alone makes a person selfish. i've been trying to combat that concept, at times i fail miserably, other times i put others first then later reward myself with something just for me. i find it hard to get it right. in so many ways, there's no one else looking out for me. i have to watch my own back, and it's a matter of survival. as morbid as it seems, at the end of the day, i think everybody dies by himself, so we've all just got to look out for ourselves. i hate that because it feels like that completely contradicts my faith. but even so, i think we're all individuals living in community. we can share in other peoples joys and woes, but ultimately they're all our own. i dunno, it's kind of messed-up in my head, i'm still just trying to figure it all out. i'm just scared i'm going to let people down until i've got my crap together. i'm sorry if i do. i'm just one girl, trying her best to juggle it all.

do you ever wish you could read someone else's diary? hm, i guess that's kind of what you're doing when you read pspd. hm. well anyways, i'm reading blue like jazz (i think i mentioned that before but i can't remember). i really like how he just talks about his life. random things, personal things, real things. sometimes when i'm reading it (and giggling about something he wrote) i think i could read books like this all the time! like someone else's diary!

do you ever think being a guy would be so much easier?

was it more than attraction and a physical lust?

conundrum

we had the hatch folding party tonight. i really like hanging out with that crew of people. they're good people. they're fun. this issue looks awesome because it got professionally printed. snazzy.

when i was in montreal i seriously considered getting a caricature done. i've never got one done before and i thought it would be fun. i was on the verge, and then i realized that it would get seriously damaged on the trip home, so there was no point. i had no place to put it. this got me wondering tho... what feature would a caricaturist choose to emphasize? after MUCH thought (i'm seriously mean several days), i concluded my cheek bones and maybe my chin. when i was a pre-teen i was obsessed with brian mulroney, because we both had big chins. to this day, at the mention of mr. mulroney, my mom'll say "oh les... it's your friend!" i even made a hand-puppet of him.

i had my sister over last night. it was great. i'd never had her over before as a friend. i'm really glad i did. i was struck by how alike we are, i'm usually too distracted by our differences to notice. it shouldn't surprise me really, we're cut from the same cloth. she's left and i'm right. she brought mister liam with her. i got to hold him for a long time while he slept. at one point i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as i held him, i'm always surprised by how young and small i look when holding a baby. i liked it when he'd breath on my neck while he lay on my chest. he's very sweet.

you could be handing love to me,
but i was far away.

bondage

i just want to say that bad things happen to good people.

and that i'm very sorry.

yes, no, maybe is all i need to hear from you.

tetris

"Do you ever feel like all that you offer people and all that they see and taste of you, all that they think you are is really only a pretty disguise for what lies hidden underneath? That everyone thinks you are so much better than you really are? I do."

rachel erb, may 2008

i was thinking about something very similar to this earlier today. then i read rachel's entry and was pleasantly surprised and kind of relieved to discover someone else thinks the same way.

i once knew a man who could lite a match with one hand. i thought he was so cool. he oozed cool. i wonder about the people i think are cool, i'm sure they'd most likely disagree with me. i wonder who'd be more right – me or them. i wonder if perhaps who we are is equally defined by the perceptions of those around us, instead of by ourselves alone. sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees.

i think there's a difference between being "hot" and being "sexy". if i had it my way, i'd much prefer to be considered sexy. same goes for my taste in men. being sexy is like being cool, it's generally concealed from the person in question.

i was told today that up to 100 people die annually from incidents involving their crocks getting caught in escalators.

this morning i got in my car to discover i'd left my lights on all night and my battery was dead. it sucked. thankfully my good friend melissa lent me her car to get to and from work. i'd never boosted a car battery by myself before. it was kind of cumbersome. i had to open my car hood, then her car hood, then i had to turn on her engine, then my engine, then i had to unhook everything and put down each hood. kind of cumbersome, but i managed. i drove my batmobile around for a while to charge up the battery before i drove melissa's car back to her place. i'm hoping it was enough to get me started tomorrow. it was kind of nice strolling down to bagot street in the morning – aside from the crappy circumstances.

make me a believer,
the seas will part somehow.

bonaventure

j'aime montréal!

i'm home and had a totally awesome time!! i totally love montreal! now i understand why everyone goes on about how great it is, and i no longer have to feel resentful about being out of the loop! i love montreal and i think it loves me too! i ended up staying one extra night because by a crazy fluke chance i discovered that one of my favourite bands was performing saturday night at the time to laugh comedy club and i KNEW that was my only chance to see them so i HAD to take advantage of it or else live the rest of my life regretting it.

i was a busy girl, and crammed a lot into 6 days & 5 nights.

things i did in montréal:
tuesday: arrived, got settled in hotel, walked up rue sainte-catherine, rode the metro just for fun.
wednesday: went to work, visited holocaust museum, toured museum of contemporary art, had fancy dinner on rue crescent.
thursday: went to work, attended cuban exhibition at museum of fine art, walked around old montreal.
friday: worked half-day, took AMT train down to central station, strolled streets of old montreal (saw habitat 67, city hall), hung out in place jacques-cartier, knitted in park, checked into hostel, took city bus up mount royal, had dinner with michel in the plateau.
saturday: slept in, saw permanent exhibition at museum of fine art, walked to rue saint-laurent, took a trip to the biodome, went up olympic stadium, attended cut copy concert(!!).

things i ate in montréal:
• cafeteria food at the huge bbd aerospace plant
• salmon at an italian restuarant
• a cajun chicken montreal bagel (sandwich)
• heart of palm
• roasted quail
• biscotti
• other things unworthy of mention

things i thought about in montréal:
• that i'm kind of glad that i waited until 28 for my first trip to montreal. the timing was perfect and so was the opportunity.
• that i felt like i was really living. it wasn't just montreal, it was that i was doing something different, branching out and expanding. i lived so many years with my life on pause, i feel like i'm actually living after spending all my life in still mode.
• forbidden fruit.
• whether i looked like a local or like an obvious tourist (when i wore my knapsack it was much more apparent).
• there isn't time to go into everything. perhaps a few things will come out in the coming days, other things will be left for one-on-one conversations.

you can see all 50 of my photos by clicking right here.

i wish i had some decent food preprepared in my kitchen. i'm feeling a need to raid a refrigerator.

with hearts on fire i reach out to you tonight.

acorn

andrew and shannon hosted a cinco de mayo party in skeleton party this evening. it was really fun! we had mexican food and a boom box blaring salsa music. set up across the park was a guy doing some slacklining, and welcomed us all to try it out. i'm so proud of all of us for being so brave and making it across! my favourite part of the party was the piñata – i loved that we were a group of 20 & 30 somethings taking turns wacking a dinosaur piñata while blind-folded. it was so awesome!!

i leave for montreal after work tomorrow. i'm very excited. i'll be gone for 5 days and get home saturday evening. i'll spend 3 nights at the fairmont queen elizabeth hotel – which i think is the most fancy hotel in the city, and most likely the most expensive hotel i'll stay at in my LIFE! i'll check-out from there on friday and walk down the street to check-in at a hostel where i'll sleep on a bunk-bed in a dormitory. haha. i LOVE that. i'm so stoked. my friend michel (my co-worker in montreal) has offered to give me suggestions on things to do, but first asked me what kind of things i like. i told him i like art and that i want to go up the mountain. if i can think of anything else then i'm suppose to let him know. do any of YOU have suggestions that i can ask michel about??? please comment them to me asap :) this is my very first time to montreal (if you don't count the time melinda and i got lost driving thru to p.e.i. at 2 am last summer).

well my house is a mess and i haven't packed yet. i had a friend in crisis after the cinco de mayo party, and only just arrived home again. so i'd better get cracking, i'd like to be in bed at a good time. i don't want to be sleepy on my business trip. i'm going to get trained on how to make updates and changes to the new bbd website that's being launched in a couple weeks.

i also enjoyed when matt smashed open a coconut with the hammer i brought to the party :)

i read this excerpt in my book this afternoon and it made me go "hmmm". i thought it was a great synopsis, faith does not equal blind faith. faith does not mean having no questions, nor do questions equal serious doubt. questions lead to more understanding. "as often as i feel certain that God exists, i feel as often at a loss to say what difference it makes – that he exists, – or even: that to believe in God, in which i do, raises more questions than it presents answers. thus, when i am feeling my most faithful, i also feel full of a few hard questions that i would like to put to God – i mean, critical questions of the how-can-he, how-could-he, how-dare-you variety."

the pleasure part,
the afterthought,
the missing stone in the graveyard.

intimacy

it times i've wondered, and been questioned by others, about whether i would've been religious if i didn't come from a religious family. would i have bothered to "find God" as an adult. i think this is a good question, and something important for me to reflect upon. many times i've thought about the fact that yes, i did grow up in a religious family, so christianity was pretty much given to me, but even though i made the decision as a child to follow jesus, i make the same decision every day as an adult. i feel sure that yes i would still be a religious adult even if i'd grown up in a non-religious home. i've faced many obstacles in my life, endured many storms and found the rock is slippery when wet. i can understand those around me who've stopped trying, and those who taken hold of something different all together. sometimes i find myself wondering why i hold on, especially when it seems so many have jumped ship. but i have to be true to myself, and in spite the fact that it's not fashionable these days to claim christ as my saviour, i do and my spirit is awakened by him. unfortunately, this does not answer all the other major questions of the philosopher's mind. why am i here? is there a point to any of this? why is there suffering? am i on the right track or have i somehow screwed everything up? these are difficult things for me to live with and not know the answers to.

last night i went square dancing on wolfe island with a bunch of girls. it was fun, i haven't square danced since camp when i was 12 or 13. although, i didn't particularly like holding hands with strangers; some peoples hands were clammy and other people's hands were scruffy. my allergies have been dreadful and my nose keeps running so i felt bad about wiping my nose then swinging my partner. being over on the island always gets me excited about my plans to move there. it won't be for a couple more years – i'm not ready to leave the max pad yet – but the island just has such a different atmosphere, and i'm thrilled about living someplace different. it's cool that it won't involve me up heaving my whole life. it's gonna be awesome :)

i've got to tell you, i HATE it when good books are made into mediocre movies. they just shouldn't bother if they're going to do such a terrible job of converting it onto a film. it turns out that simon birch was based on a prayer for owen meany. although it said at the beginning "suggested by...." instead of "based on". i guess john irving felt it was a poor representation of his book so he refused to let them use the character names or title. good for him. you know what i love about books? that they're weird, complex, and don't always have happy endings. i'm growing tired of predictable movies that always involve the lousy baseball game winning the series, or romantic comedy's that you can pick out from the beginning who's going to fall in love, but obviously only after some ridiculous misunderstanding. or the bad guy to has a change of heart and turns into a real softy. i'm getting so tired of these films, they're such a bad representation of real life. i suppose there are some people out there who need these pick-me-ups, who want a escape from real-life, but i just need something a little less predictable than that.

we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year.

standard

what most makes me realize that i'm an adult is when experiences make full circle. i know how to brace myself because i've been thru it before, or something like it. there's a lot of talk about recession going around. well... not in my social circles or anything, but on the cbc with daily occurrence. at this point, i understand what that entails. when i hear of layoffs in the hundreds, i know what that's like. we are fortunate enough that it'll pass, we've just got to sit tight until it does.

i've thought a lot about the temporary. every time i hit a rough patch i remind myself that "this too shall pass" and it always does. unfortunately that works the other way around too. i have little faith in permanency. i both fear and crave it. i think it must be somehow related to being a child of divorce. although, i'm hesitant to "blame" my "broken home", it's a reality and something that has enviably moulded me and my outlook. but i digress... nowadays, i take solace in the fact that things are changing, have changed and will change. i suggest you take note of that and make the most of what you've got. because even rainy days have their redeeming qualities.

baby slow down,
the end is not as fun as the start.