sagittarius

yesterday was bren's 40th birthday. al, mike, rachel, me, and the rest of the storytellers crew have secretly been working on a special edition of hatch to give to her. a collection of stories and letters about her from the people who love her. it turned out amazingly beautiful. and i don't mean the appearance. it's such a beautiful gift and i'm so touched to have been part of it. the best part of all is how much she loved it. every time i think about it, i smile from ear-to-ear from way down in my liver.

tonight was the bbd annual christmas party. this year it was at portsmouth olympic harbour. i'd have to say it wasn't as nice as days inn, but it was still a good time. i enjoyed mingling, dancing and the food was very good. i have to admit, i quite enjoy the excuse to get all dressed up. it's the only time of year i really get dolled up and it actually makes me feel really great.

i love watching people. sometimes it makes me feel invisible. sometimes i like that. sometimes i hate it. i'm still trying to sort out how to feel. it's difficult to figure out what is reasonable under the circumstances.

wherever you go
i'll be over your shoulder.

watermelon

i love him the same way i love my boots.
i didn't think it was possible to love someone the same way one loves inanimate objects. but it is.

i smell like cigarettes. it's been years since i've come home drenched in someone else's smoke.

it feels good to be something to somebody again, instead of being nobody's anything.

i should probably explain (because knowing pspd, messages will be misconstrued if it's not put in context) my very first boyfriend got back in touch with me this week via facebook. we broke-up 13 years ago. it had been a very tremulous relationship. a loving friend asked me the other day if it was wise to be talking with him, she said it takes time to earn back trust. i thought about that, and surprised myself by telling her that trust had nothing to do with it. right now i'm his go-to person. i don't need to trust him in order to be supportive and encouraging. i don't distrust him either. yup, i really don't think trust has anything to do with it. trust is an intimate emotion – it's something felt or not felt for people who are close to the heart. i don't need to trust him any more than i trust my mailman. it's all water under the bridge.

i was at the knicker's place for dinner tonight. at one point i was explaining why i gave up caffine, and said something about being a high-strung person. she said "you're not a high-strung person are you?" so i told her "when i'm around people who are more high-strung than i am, i take on a passive role" which is why she's never seen that side of me, because she's WAY more tightly wound then i am. i'm animated, i'm passionate, i get stressed out easily, but i'm not picky, particular, or controlling of others. it's very easy for me to be accommodating to other people's preferences, in fact, i quite enjoy it.

holding hope open for the one, making you wait.

etch

old friends know a person in a way new friends don't. and vice versa. sometimes i feel like i'm missing chapters of my life because they happened with people who are now absent. it makes me feel like those moments are lost, or never existed. talking with an old friend this evening resorted a lot of good memories – reconnected me with them.

he told me that my dedication to my vow shows integrity and strength of character. he applauded me and assured me that i shouldn't feel embarrassed. that was very encouraging. ESPECIALLY coming from him.

i live in a fish bowl. al was saying yesterday that from the front of my house he could see me very clearly as i sat at my computer. i've developed a bit of an immunity, it doesn't bother me at all that people can see me, except when i feel their being extra nosy. i like walking around downtown and being able to see into people's houses, and since my place is pretty cool i don't mind other people admiring it from the street below.

i got my hair trimmed after work. when april used to cut my hair we had an understanding that my layers should never go shorter than my collar-bone. tonight the girl enhanced my layers a little (which was what i asked), but when i saw her snip to my chin my heart squeezed. panic! but i'm trying not to freak-out, it's just hair, it'll grow back. besides, it looks fine.

you don't know what to do
there's a guy you know,
who'll be there for you.

conspiracy

i like it when they come over and drink my beer.

was that a parable, or a very subtle joke?

kneel

i got a new chair at work today. it's pretty comfy. i need a special drafting stool because my desk is taller than everyone elses. i've been using an old chair of frank's that he got in the 70s. it's not particularly ergonomic. so i got permission to get a new one, and it took almost 2 months to arrive. but i exercised my patience muscles and therefore didn't mind.

there's something about getting dressed at the Y that makes me keenly aware of my clothes.

when i was 8, 9 or maybe 10 i got a watch for the first time. once i mastered reading the hands i quickly became dependent on it. i NEEDED to know what time it was or i was very disoriented. when i graduated college my watch strap broke, so i simply kept it in my smock as i worked at value village. eventually the battery died and i never bothered replacing it. i'd discovered how awesome it is to live without a watch. i suddenly felt free and unbogged down. i will never wear a watch again.

i discovered today that i'm a white-collar worker. i suppose that should've been obvious, but it never crossed my mind before, because it always sounded like a label for middle-aged men with briefcases.

one thing that i just can't conceive
is how to let you go.

chicken pox

today they were sending an envelop around to collect money for a going-away present for someone at work. i signed the card, then opened my wallet to see what kind of cash i was willing to part with. i had a change-purse full of loonies, i took 2 out. then said to myself "lesley... you have more, be generous!" so i gave one more. unfortunately, i discovered later that that act of generosity left me one dollar short for my laundry. now i'm gonna have to weasel some spare change out of friends and acquaintances. so much for being generous :p

i miss pretending to watch movies.

my yoga instructor's name is dennis. for some reason i find that very funny.

if you're lost you can look
and you will find me.

genesis

it struck such a cord with me that i was overwhelmed and shocked. i sat down on my bed choking on my tears, gasping for breath. there are things that happened. things that happened when i was 15. i remember praying that i would forget. and i did. it's been 14 years and i've thought of those things very little. that person rarely came to the forefront of my mind. until tonight when i got home to discover a facebook message from my long forgotten past. i was afraid. but what i read swelled my heart, and i wept uncontrollably with joy. with my faith growing in leaps and bounds in a few short seconds, i knew i had to tell someone. it had to be someone who would understand. i called my mom. she'd been there too. she'd felt all my fears, she'd felt her own. when i first told her about the email she recoiled in caution just as i had. but i read her the message and she too was amazed. i am healed beyond healing. i am mended beyond mending, in ways i never expected.

i know that he is able.
that he is faithful.

please forgive my alzheimer's.

sometimes i feel like someone stuck in quick-sand, and the more i struggle to get out the worse my predicament gets. but not right now.

when your back's against the wall
just turn around, you will see.
i will catch you, i will catch your fall
just have a little faith in me.

shuffle

it's been a bit of a bizarre day. it's been good, don't get me wrong. i got up at a reasonable time, listened to GO on the CBC, cleaned my house, when to the Y, worked on hatch & next bored stuff, had andrew & shannon over for dinner. all good things that i enjoyed a great deal. but something's been nagging at me all day. gnawing on me. eating away my confidence, sense of self, personal value, etc. there have been moments and chunks of time where i definitely was feeling like myself, but those don't last. it's like i have a bad taste in my mouth, and it's taking a while to dissipate. i need a touchstone or a warm and lasting hug.

i'm glad i had shandrew over this evening that was a real highlight of my day. i have a really nice apartment and need to invite people to enjoy it with me more often. it's a challenge for me because my hostess experience is very green and on the lite side. but i suppose i'll become more comfortable with it the more i do it. i'm going to have to purchase a few more board games if i'm going to flex my hostess muscles. we did play a round or two of boggle, but it wasn't really a fair match because i'm a more experienced player.

as i look out of my window onto york street all i see is a blanket of snow. i love it.

i know it's unreasonable, but i prefer it when my exboyfriends contact me to let me know they're getting married. instead of finding out thru the grapevine or on facebook. this could have something to do with the bad taste in my mouth.

life is for the taking,
so i better wise up,
and take it quick.

gusto

we are sneaky.

my belly-button is off-centre.

alison lau sent me this video clip a couple years ago. it's frickin hilarious, especially if you have a cubicle. man, all you people who don't work at office jobs are missing out of a whole cubicle sub-culture :p it's a lovely serenade that often gets stuck in my head.

let me feel your breath,
let me know you're here with me.

bomb the bass

this evening, as part of my attempt to "make christmas about the people i love and not about commercialism", i went xmas shopping with cas and shannon. it was really fun. we ate dinner in the food court then wandered around for a while. i managed to almost complete my shoping in zellers. all i have to do now is buy dollar gifts, and that's something i need to do alone. i've never finished my christmas shopping so early before. i usually wait until after my birthday. i wonder if this means i'm maturing or just getting more clever. but what is maturity but a more clever way of approaching things....

it was a very fun time hanging out with them, afterwards we went to cas's place and drank red wine and chatted. it makes me really happy to be surrounded by such wonderful people.

if he thinks i don't know what he's doing, he's wrong.

i don't want to. yup. i don't want to. that's probably the quickest way of curing me of any stupid notions. i feel a need to talk about it, even though talking isn't going to change anything. so instead i'll go to bed, and await your emails tomorrow. all i can do is trust and hope. hope and trust.

if you spit in the sky it will fall in your eye.

roadmap

i heard recently that men feel very much unneeded in today's world. women can do pretty much everything without them, and that makes them feel obsolete. that really makes me sad to hear. i knew that before, but it's truly a shame. i can't speak for everyone, but i am a woman who had to learn to do everything herself from a very young age, because there was no one to help me. my dad left when i was ten, and from that point on i had to take care of my mom and our home. the other day frank was telling me that he spent an entire evening at his grown-son's house replacing a valve in a toilet. my immediate reaction was "why didn't mark just do it himself?" but then it occurred to me that frank was willing and able to do it, therefore his son never needed to learn. honestly it does hurt me that i was left to fend for myself, but what bothers me more is that because of it i don't expect people to be helpful. the other day i was in the grocery store struggling to reach some crackers that were on the top shelf. i'm not a particularly tall person, i'm on the closer side of short. i jumped, i stretched, i jumped AND stretched. meanwhile a young guy around my age walked right past me. i noticed. i noticed that he walked by without assisting me. i think that motivated me more, so i stood on the lowest shelf and made one last ditch effort, and managed to knock one over within my reach. after i grabbed it, i noticed that the guy turned back, then said with a bit of a smile "oh... do you need help with that?" "no thanks, i got it" i said. argh! why didn't he offer BEFORE?!?! it's a vicious cycle. women do for themselves because they have to, men don't help because they're not needed. i've been told by several people that i'm very independent and most likely intimidating. just because i'm not needy doesn't mean i don't need.

i have a love-hate relationship with my cubicle. i love it because it's mine. i've decorated it. i've personalized it. it's my little 8x8 blue cube. i love that it's blue instead of beige. i love that everything is set up by me for me. very meticulously. it's sometimes messy. it's messy right now. it's not unlike my home. it's actually a tiny version of the maxi pad. i hate it because it traps me. i hate it because it has no windows (but it IS across from the ladies washroom). i hate that it represents oppression and kills my spirit a little. i hate that it doesn't have a door so i can't keep people out when i need time alone or need to concentrate. but all in all it's 70-30. so that's why i know it's the right fit.

i whacked my elbow really hard at the Y tonight. it's still really sore.

everything looks perfect from far away.

acrostic

my butt looks good in these pants :p
hahahhaa

i wish fruit-flies would have an aversion to me the way i do to them.

i'm knitting joy a tea cozy for christmas. she asked me for one, but i told her i didn't have time because i'm knitting david a scarf. but i'm actually gonna put his scarf on hold so that i can create for christmas. i'm excited about this.

oh my goodness. i just realized that i got NOTHING done this evening that i needed to. instead i watched 2 episodes of joan of arcadia and started joy's tea cozy. i'm so annoyed at myself. i needed to type up the board minutes, do some work on hatch, and send out invitations to my birthday party. HMPH! well... i don't suppose they can all be productive evenings. it was enjoyable nontheless.

man, i wish it would snow again.

i've decided to stop taking painkillers to kill the pain of feminine cramps. i'm just gonna grin and bear it. or if necessary bite on a piece of leather. i'm building up my resistance to pain.

he said i was talented. that made me feel really good! i don't consider myself talented, but i suppose that made me appreciate the compliment all the more.

a book has never broken my heart before. that one did. just the end. it was good. that's probably why it made me ache.

i hear you're throwing your computer out the window
because you want to make something real.

semantics

i love this little clip. it pulls at my heart-strings. it gives me goose-bumps. it makes my eyes fill up. i totally dig what they're saying.

i'm hoping:
...it's going to snow again soon.
...my brain is wrong & not actually sensing the onset of a cold.
...i won't get overwhelmed seeing as december is going to be a busy month.
...he'll be approved.
...she will be safe.
...we'll all get along.
...i won't be afraid of my 29th birthday.
...for wisdom and discernment.
...you will be certain.
...you'll have a baby.
...he'll get to keep his liver.
...it'll all work out ok.
and much much more. i'm trying to figure out what hope is. if it's more than just getting what we want. and if it's not, i'm trying to reconcile to myself that it's ok to want and not feel guilty about it. some where along the line i started to confuse wants with dissatisfaction. wants and needs. some wants aren't essential to life, and yet are at the same time. it's all so confusing. i guess it all depends on the definition of life; if it's mere survival than our wants are insignificant. but if life is relational then that changes everything. i believe it is relational. i'm relational. oh sometimes existential dilemmas hurt my brain. a verdict is still out on this one, i'm churning it over.

you are a radio.
you are an open door.
i am a faulty string of blue christmas lights.

accidentally

that doesn't make any sense. it makes so little sense, in fact, that i want to bang my head against my wood-panel walls while saying "THAT.... DOESN'T.... MAKE.... ANY.... SENSE!!!" all i know is that LIFE IS WEIRD!

i love swedish berries but i'd forgotten that they make me feel like ass.

her fish died. i love that she cried so much. it's a lot for a 5-year-old...

i have pieces of paper littered around the pad with quotes scribbled in them. in addition to bits of paper i also tend to jot them down in my crossword books. i often get a kick out of later finding things like "she had a mark on her neck that closely resembled a hickey" written on random pages. i don't do it on purpose, but i forget after i've done it, which puts them out of context and makes them way funnier. *sigh* what an amusing life i lead.

i had a good weekend. hatch is motoring along – which is great. although, i feel like most of the pages need some tweaking. that's ok though, nothing's set in stone. i love that it doesn't feel like work, it feels like art. however, i have no idea what i'm going to eat for lunch tomorrow because i haven't cooked all day. when i'm in work mode nothing else exists. including tomorrow.

he told me that i'm a graphic design snob. i think he was trying to get even with me.

i think i put my shirt on backwards.

seduced

there are approximately 4 people in the world that i would drop everything for at 10:00 on a saturday night to go out and see. david is one of those people.

he's in town to see his niece, but i went out to the west-end to get him and we drove around for a while. his brother lives super close to my childhood home so i showed him where i used to live. then we drove out to millhaven and i showed him where i work. it was really dark but we saw one of the trains being driven on the test track – i freaked out and got all excited because i love trains :) it was really great to see him.

this afternoon bren and i played squash! i haven't played since 2005-2006, and she hadn't played in 6 years. we did surprisingly well. we didn't manage to complete a game, but we did a lot of rallying. she has a good hustle. i wish i was better, but it was probably the 6th time i've ever played in my life, i can't expect to be super awesome at this point. mike told us beforehand that he wanted us to have "squash-butt" when we were done from playing so hard. i can't say i achieved that level of athletics, but my right arm is insanely sore and i did break a sweat! it was very fun. we had some good laughs.

i've started laying out hatch. i think it's looking pretty good :)

it was super trippy.

do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?

my platonic friend

i read this in my book today, and it totally cracked me up:
"if roger had been out buying milk and i had been on the other side of the street and i had told him that, if he didn't cross over, things would be finished between us, he would have shouted 'no, i'm going to buy milk' and he would have continued". i love it. in the past, i've both known that person and been that person. too hilarious.

i wonder sometimes about what is absent from conversations over the internet. the tone, the meaning, the truth. do you take everything at face value or are you aware that many things that are said are guarded forms of the truth. i totally take everything at face value. what i'm getting at is... that i could type a REALLY CRAZY EXCITED paragraph with a TON of punctuation!!!!!?!?!? and one might think i'm VERY EXCITED about what i'm saying!!! when really i'm falling over exhausted. the computer-written word is much harder to decipher than the hand-written word.

it bothers me that it bothers me.

stay out super late tonight
picking apples, making pies.

telephone

it's lovely.
lovely. lovely. lovely.

i laughed so much my face hurt.

i kind of hate that my mom was right. but on the other hand... i'm kind of relieved & happy.

i'll cover my heart so you can't see it beat.

fastidious

i think i'm enjoying the snow more than ever before. it's so beautiful.

have you ever noticed how similar the words "monday" and "mundane" are?? i suspect this is not a coincidence.

sometimes there aren't any words because they've be used up.

have i told you that i'm obsessed with joan of arcadia right now? OBSESSED! i've been watching it on dvd and find it quite captivating and clever.

it's better to suffer a lynching than an interminable stay on death row.

cube

i may have lost the battle, but i might not lose the war.

bren and i saw stars tonight at sydenham street united. matt & cas were there too and a few other people, but we all ended up getting separated. that place is a great concert venue. i wanted to buy a stars button by they were 5 bux! the most i've ever spent on a button was $4 and even THAT was WAY to much. so i did without, however i did snag an amnesty international button for signing a human rights petition. but promptly lost it.

if you need and ear... i have two to spare.

you melt your doubt.

pilgrimage

this evening i went to my very first yoga class at the YMCA. it's free with my membership, which is great because i've been wanting to take a yoga class since the summer! beforehand i was a little nervous, but lots of people gave me tips and advise so i felt much more confident that i knew what i was doing. it turned out that there were at least 6 other people who were also novice yogis so i didn't feel as out of place as i had expected. it's called "yoga fit" because they emphasize the physical side and (since it's the Y) they omit the chanting and meditation. it was fun, and very relaxing – to the extent that i'm skeptical that it was even a workout at all! i feel like i spent the evening inhaling and exhaling. however, i DO feel completely exhausted, so perhaps it was more of a workout then i thought. i think tomorrow will be the true test. that being said... i think i'm going to go to bed early tonight.

she said i can't blame myself for other people's decisions. all i know is that every time i try i fail. you can't fault me for trying, because all i ever try to do is the right thing. if something isn't working i try something else. unfortunately all roads lead back to where i am.

apparently i'm the kind of person who expects instant results in every area of my life.

if i were a painter
i would paint my reverie.

exposed

the fictitious conversation with a midget on my knees commiserating about internet use will remain etched in my mind.

i was utterly devastated. completely humiliated.

i finished my painting...

why clothes-pegs? i have no idea. it just popped into my mind and i couldn't shake it. i actually really like it's a simple inanimate object. i think it looks better in person.

a couple weeks ago at storytellers, we had to write a poem about an inanimate object. rach wrote about clothes-pegs. i liked it a lot and found it very timely, so made the immediate decision that i would get a copy and write it on the back of my canvas when i finished. here's her poem, read it while you look at my painting (or maybe have someone read it to you so you can just focus on the painting)

little wooden clothespin
you are lovely to behold.
oh, that i could clasp you in my arms
as you clasp my drying dress upon the line
and feel, as surely that dress must,
your unfailing pinch in return.
your little metal spring, cool in my grip,
sends shivers of gratitude down my spine
for each moment you spend in humble service
to the greater good
of keeping my family clean and dry.
~ rachel j. erb, 2008 ~

m•e•r•c•y

when we saw them on the street corner we drove away erratically.

rhonda and i thoroughly enjoyed the plants & animals concert at the grad club tonight. i love live music. there was a crazy girl dancing very bizarrely, it wasn't really that kind of music. she was even spanking the air. it made me laugh, i tried to stifle it but you know how that goes... it usually makes it worse.

i worked on my new painting for much of the day. i'm finally making some good progress on it. i'll probably be done quite soon, maybe even tomorrow if i get the chance.

it takes a good friend to say you've got your head up your ass.

particularly

i've been trying to work up my courage to use the sauna at the Y. i just wanted to try it. i've been in a sauna before when i was younger, and always in a swimming suit. but i wanted to go the whole nine yards, i figured it would be relaxing. after my workout, i decided i would give it a go, but when i peeked in the window i saw a naked older woman and got weirded out. instead i got in the shower, then to myself "lesley... you've taken life drawing classes. since when are you weirded out by other people's naked bodies". minutes later i heard her exit, so i took the opportunity to enter. i lied on the top bench in my birthday suit and absorbed the heat like it came from the sun. it made me feel as though i was on beckie's dock again from this summer (warm and comfortable). the little cedar room was 72º C, it warmed me all the way thru. i think i'm going to use the sauna frequently, it will be a nice counter-winter activity – producing a similar effect as a tanning bed minus the cancer.

i had some coke-zero at rhonda's tonight and i'm totally wired. it really is 4 am, but it's technically saturday morning. i'll still mark this as friday because it's my friday entry. don't ever take my post times too literary. the time is usually exact, but depending if it's after mid-night or not usually affects what day i label it.

maybe i will never be
all the things that i want to be.

fitting

it seems to us... that unscrupulous behavior is rewarded in this world. we try to play by the rules and behave responsibly, then we end up getting screwed over.

i found a dehumidifier on the side of the road today. it seems this is becoming a habit. although, i should clarify that it was at the same place as the tv i found. so it's not completely random.

it's interesting the instinctive fear that swells within a girl the moment finds herself down an alleyway being approached by three men. what's even more interesting is the fact that they were oblivious to the fact that the situation made me unbelievably uncomfortable. experiencing life as a man would be drastically different to experiencing it as a woman. and vice versa.

beckie was talking up the advantages of vitamin d tablets a few weeks ago, so i decided to give them a try. vitamin d is what we get from the sun, and it's often a vitamin d deficiency that causes the winter blahs. i've been taking them for over a week now, and already think it's amazing! my disposition is more like my summertime self. the difference is so remarkable that it alerted me to the fact that my winterself is so much less engaged in life than my summerself. today when i saw the snow outside i thought it was neat! i liked it! i thought it was cool and was happy to see it.

i think she knows
and i know it shows
that i'm confused all the time.

the lullaby umbrella

cas gave me this.

i think it's totally awesome.
it kind of looks like me sort of.

i liked the sound of my big tall brown boots clickity-clopping down main street. it made me giggle and run in a more exaggerated fashion.

when she saw him touch me like that she thought "he's lucky she doesn't clobber him". it's not the touching that bothers me... it's the excessive attention. but the touching sucks too.

time was too slow
and then too fast.

neglect

with bob as my witness... i will join the butlers for dinner more regularly. i always have a nice time with them, and in spite the fact pretty much all of them deserted us before i even ate my food i will go again, maybe even in two weeks. besides, i had a good time chatting with bob and michelle. they all liked my tattoo, and sarah told me that after my failed attempt to get one last year she thought i'd never go thru with it. let this be a lesson to you all... never underestimate me ;)

i don't like having my life up in the air as it is. i was emailing with rhonda yesterday about it and she sent me this lovely quote "when we are sure that we are on the right road there is no need to plan our journey too far ahead. no need to burden ourselves with doubts and fears as to the obstacles that may bar our progress. we cannot take more than one step at a time." that makes good sense to me. i like it.

did i tell you my laundry lady has a crush on me? it makes me a little uncomfortable because i don't know how to respond to her comments. things like "it's so great to see you" or "oh! hello my love". i'm polite so i say stuff like "ya, it's nice to see you too", but not sincerely. she's the lady who washes my clothes, that's the bases of our relationship. i don't mind general niceties, but i think she's propelled things way across the line. she's super nice and cheery though. so i mean this more as an observation than a criticism.

i was surprised to realize that i reached page 125 in my book before realizing that the main character is anonymous. this is the second time that's happened to me. this book also doesn't have chapters, which makes me nutty because i like setting a book down at a logical place.

i am superman and i can do anything.

homework

my gut is telling me 'no'.
my heart is telling me 'yes'.
and my brain is trying to come up with excuses why it would be ok.
funny how that goes.
i'm gonna go with my gut though.

i was uncharacteristically upbeat for a monday morning.

oh my goodness..... i love it. i love it. i love it. it takes away my ability to breathe. so awesome.

if you ride upon the tiger
you can never get off
– they get hungry.

apron

that was weird...........

i wish that suckers had a longer shelf-life. i try saving them for special occasions, but by the time i actually get around to eating them, they've turned all soft and gross.

it was a good conversation. one that i feel was very meaningful to her and i'm so glad to have been on the receiving end. tell me anything.

i thoroughly enjoyed working at the soup kitchen this afternoon. well, we don't serve soup, and it's actually called "special meals" but i figured most people wouldn't understand what that means if i hadn't put it in context. today we made/served pancakes, waffles and sausages. i was in charge of the waffle press. i'd never worked a waffle press before, it kind of made me want to buy one, and not at the same time. i didn't get the chance to do actual serving as i was occupied pumping out the waffles, and i'm disappointed to have missed out on that. but there's always next time. i'm looking forward to it already.

i wonder what secrets will be unveiled this week.

i think it's creepy.... but i like it.

no wonder the world is overpopulated.

itchy

i'm intrigued by the things that people write on bathroom walls. especially at the goat. it's unbelievable how vulnerable people allow themselves to be. i wonder what possesses them to write such things, if it's because they don't have anyone else to turn to. that's sad. part of me wants to write something, but i haven't anything i want to say. besides that, some of the responses are so cruel.

i was told by someone today that she thinks the new bond looks like putin. interesting. i can kind of see the resemblance. i wondered what beck would say to that.

my new painting isn't coming along as nicely as i had hoped. i feel as though it should look way better. i'm hoping it looks kind of crappy because it's still just in an early stage. i'm crossing my fingers.

i enjoyed having kate stay with me for a couple nights. i liked just sitting around with her in the living room last night before bed, talking about random things.

i can't define this feeling i have. i have a feeling... that's all i know. i don't think it's a premonition, it feels more like an instinct or a gut feeling. i don't know why, but i'm compelled to just go with it. i hope it doesn't turn out badly. sometimes it's hard to discern between wishful thinking and divine inspiration.

it's just you and me and the rain.

atomic

although it shouldn't, it gives me a great sense of satisfaction. i think i'll fall asleep with a happy little smirk on my face. i'm not being smug about it, i'm genuinely gleeful.

i love the dating advise i gave my friend today... "that's why people date, so that they can end it". haha. that's a rather morbid look at the dating world. and totally not what i meant, but i still find it funny.

kate and i agree.

i will be different. i will be the same. i will still go parchment-faced with embarrassment. i will quite frequently push the doors marked "pull", and pull the ones marked "push". i will be lonely, almost certainly. sometimes i will feel light-hearted, sometimes light-headed. i may sing aloud, even in the dark. i will ask myself if i am going mad, and if i do, i won't know it.

eye-candy

am i that hard to understand?? really...

i'm a whiz when it comes to design. i slapped that newsletter together in record time. right on les! i find it funny that i've been listening to 54-40 all evening as i've worked. i had to download a bunch of their stuff in order to do so. odd musical craving for sure.

this was day two of my renewed love-affair with the YWCA/YMCA. i feel pumped. (even though i've been super sore). i was exercised, showered and home by 6:15. pretty good use of time i think. at this rate i'm going to be super hot for mexico :p

i'm longing for the sound of his still, soft voice.

sometimes things happen that remind me to think before i speak. or consider the consequences before i write. i made a poor judgement call, i know that now. my mom worries that i overexpose myself to the world. i think that's because of a conversation she had with some guy who'd read my blog and somehow gotten the impression from pspd that i'm heart-broken. personally i think that just goes to show how cryptic i am. correct me if i'm wrong, but one would have to be part of my inner circle to fully grasp the things i say, right? i do keep the secrets i want to keep.

sometimes i'd just like to know that you still think of me from time to time.

come on,
come on get up.
i wanna take you
away from all of this
and what has got you
lost and feeling down.
you just get it off your back,
let it fly away.

anthropomorphic

i didn't waste any time. first thing this morning i made the decision that i was going to the Y after work to reactivate my membership. i packed my little gym kit and off i went. it's been a year and a half since i was there last, i'd forgotten how much i loved going. usually in the spring i'm sick of it and just want to be outdoors. plus, i was trying to cut corners by buying an elliptical for my house, but in truth there's more to the experience than just the workout. as i read over my old entries last week, i found i talked about the Y a lot – it was another facet of my life, something other than work and church. i've missed having a hobby outside of my home/unrelated to next. i like people watching. i like the anonymity. i like that i can just do my workout without multitasking (cooking dinner, ignoring the phone, being distracted by things on my computer), i'm just there to workout. and i really like the showers (i get to stand up instead of my sit-down shower at home), and that i don't have to rush. at first i felt weird about how much i love the showers there, but i overheard two ladies talking about how much they love them too. so i'm not crazy :) i left feeling really great. i did weights for a half hour. i found before that weight-training actually effected my weight more than cardio, PLUS it's way faster. i'm in and out. it was kind of neat how i still knew how to use the equipment, and that i recognized a lot of the people. i weighted myself afterwards, and i've gained 14 pounds since i was there last – which i knew, most of it was in the first 8 months of cancelling my membership. i don't expect to lose all of that, but i'll probably change shape and feel more comfortable in my own skin. i really felt great afterwards, very euphoric. i'm very pleased by this turn of events. i'll try to keep my future Y talk to a minimum, as i'm sure it's not very interesting to read about :p OH, AND i think it's possible for me to sign up for a yoga class :D

i took "achtung baby" to work with me today. i haven't listened to it in several years. it has got to be my favourite album of all time. i kept trying to find photos that needed touching up so i could spend my day in a dream-like haze engulfed in the music. i tried to figure out why i love that album so much. it's not because of nostalgia, it's beyond that. those songs have such strong atmosphere to them that i feel like i could cut them with a knife. they're like first love, or a summer night, or warm pie, or a hot bathtub.

tomorrow i'm dinning with my family. i'm very curious about how they'll respond to my tattoo.

she wears my love like a see through dress.

hadassah

i'm not happy for them. i'm not. i won't congratulation them, and i won't fake interest. i know this is terrible, but in truth i'm utterly torn apart by jealousy. and right now all it feels like is salt in the wound, or a knife that's been turned. as much as i hate this feeling of emotional dismemberment, i'm really happy to have identified source of my woes. i don't suffer from depression, i'm not heart-broken. the reality is, every hurdle i face, every tear i cry, every dark night of the soul i endure are caused by my own jealous. i'm not sad that other people are experiencing the joy i desire, i'm green with envy! so i took a deeper look, analyzing why i feel jealous toward some people and not toward others. for many people i'm utterly ecstatic when good things are bestowed upon them. the difference is, the people i'm happy for are people i love and have deemed worthy. the other people are individuals that i've somehow found undeserving, and most definitely less deserving than i am. which is totally wrong, especially with me having an attitude like that – they're probably MUCH better than i am. i'm rather dumbstruck as to why this went so long without me realizing it. i'm usually much swifter at identifying my own defects. i'm completely ashamed of the contents of my heart, and only tell you this now as a confession. i hope that sharing this will change me. i actually feel a lot better already. i feel happy – like a load has been lifted.

i bought some fudge today. MMMmmmmmm. yummmmmmm.

a hammer is a hammer because it hammers.


**********************************
addendum:
sometimes decisions just get made for you. my elliptical broke just broke. seriously, the metal base split in two. looks like i'm going back to the Y.

rotation

another saturday has come and gone. i will miss you great day of nothingness. you're wonderful – i crave you all week.

i went square dancing with andrew and shannon tonight. on the way there i told them that i wasn't really in a dancy mood, but was more interested in the social activity and people watching. it's usually on wolfe island, but for some reason it was at st. james parish instead. the group dynamics where different, there were more older people and only one kid (usually there's a ton of kids). i concluded that square dancing is very confusing and can result in frustration (for me). i think that's why i prefer just sitting out and watching. i laughed and stomped to the music and thoroughly enjoyed the view. i couldn't help but notice my eyes were drawn to a particularly beautiful man, when i realized i tried to stop, but there's just something about beautiful men that makes it hard to keep your eyes off them. it wasn't like i wanted to get to know him or anything, i just liked looking at him. i did a fair share of dancing, more than andrew expected me to. but i really did prefer to watch. afterward, the three of us went to the toucan for some drinks. it was fun, it feels like ages since i went to a pub.

i'm far to prone to getting engulfed in my emotions. how i'm feeling at any given moment tends to overwhelm me and cause temporary blindness. and the confusing thing is that my emotions seem to have a logic unto themselves. that's fine when all goes well, but more challenging when circumstances are less than desirable. i aspire to be more grounded.

i can't help but wonder.

deer

i would just like to start by reporting back to all of you that i took my bandage off today and i LOVE my tattoo :) shannon said it's very me, and i agree, it really is. i'm so glad that it's there for always and isn't going to wash off.

this evening rhonda and i went out for a night on the town in gan :p we first had a fancy dinner at the gananoque inn, then went to the CASINO! neither of us had ever been to a casino before, and when we were driving to ottawa back in october for cirque du soliel i suggested we go next time isaac is away for the weekend. so we did! it was totally bizarre but really fun in a weird kind of way. we just used the slot machines because we don't know how to play the table games. we stuck to machines of 25¢ and under (the lowest is 2¢). my favourite are the ones with the levers on them. i only planned to spend $10 (which i did), and i wasn't having much luck. on my second last machine i started with $3.80 and was losing credit quickly (i was ok with that, but a tiny bit disappointed), when purely randomly i got a triple play which catepulted my winnings up to $36!!! i played one more machine but quit at $35. leaving with a surplus of $25 was great, PLUS the $10 i went with. that's totally great, that gives me my weeks spending money as i want to go see "man on a wire" on tuesday. if anyone is interested in joining me let me know, the whig gave it a great review.

they're hard at work, but they're hardly workin'.

baptist

as most of you know.... i've been talking about getting a tattoo since at least june 2007. at the beginning of this year i decided it would happen during this year – while i'm 28. shannon has been an excellent pep-talker, regularly telling me GO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT! last saturday after my pedicure i wandered up princess to my neighbourhood tattoo parlor and made an appointment. i told no one (except, i later told shan). i paid a deposit so there was no going back this time, and i didn't want to. i was ready.

this afternoon i received this email in my inbox:
dearest lesley's wrist/arm/hand area, i want to congradulate you on your final afternoon of being naked. In less than 4 hours, you will be wed, to a beautiful star, who you will spend eternity with. this star will be your companion and lover. i hope you have a happy last day of being single and naked. love is painful, as this ink will also be, but it, my lovely wrist friend, will be well worth it. know you will be more cooler than the wrist/hand area on the opposite side of lesley's body. this in itself will keep you strong. i will be waiting outside at 4:55. tell lesley i liked her poem and am looking forward to seeing her tonite. and you, one last time, before you are STARED for life!!! -shann

so with the lovely (if not also odd) shannon at my side, i took the permanent plunge. i held her hand as she became my eyes. i didn't look once. i liked the idea of going in without a tattoo and leaving with one. it was very surreal. i kept thinking "i'm getting a tattoo. i'm getting a tattoo. if i got up right now i'd have half a tattoo". i was very brave. i squeezed shannon's hand, but didn't cry or whine. it pinched a little but wasn't too bad. mack was very nice, i really liked his beard. he got his first tattoo the day neil armstrong walked on the moon.

i'm excited about taking the bandages off. right now it's wrapped in gauze that has a black shell. it's kind of neat because it just looks like another cuff. i'm looking forward to it healing so we can bond a little. my black star and me. that's what i got by the way.... a black star. it's very meaningful to me, but i've never explained it to a soul and i'm never going to. it's one thing i'm going to keep to myself. my private secret. i feel good about it because it's not fleeting or something i spontaneously did without considerable thought.

why my wrist? well... i figured if i was going to get a tattoo i wanted to be able to see it so i could enjoy it. apparently the inner wrist is very sensitive, but like i said... it wasn't too bad. maybe i'm just a tough chick :) this isn't a great picture of it, my skin is all red and it looks a little stretched out because of the way i have my hand positioned. i didn't realize that was my only shot at a photo before he wrapped it up.

i'm pretty happy. it's exciting. i'm really looking forward to growing as attached to it as it is to me :)

you can't judge pain or love.

reverberatory

lately i feel as though deciding when's the best time to buy gas is like playing "deal or no deal". i have to rationalize if this is the lowest it's gonna get or if there'll be a better deal tomorrow if i wait.

someday when i own a house, or if i decided to do some communal living in a house with housemates, i'd really like to have a big kitchen table. on a bi-weekly basis i join a group of friends around rachel's kitchen table at something we like to call "storytellers anonymous". there's something about that table i love – it's big, inviting, accommodating, and interactive. when i have guests, we often sit in my kitchen chatting, which is kind of odd because i have a really nice living room. but there's something about a conversation around a table that's creates an atmosphere for candid discussion. it's probably similar to the car conversation (don't get me started about car conversations, they're the best kind). around a table you're close and yet there's a table between you that acts as a buffer. you're somewhat confined, but there are things on the table which provide distraction or something to fiddle with. and generally talks that start around a table usually fizzle out if moved elsewhere, i think that's because they're spontaneous – you just have to talk and can't wait until you get to a comfy seat. i dunno. whatever it is.... i need to have a big table, i don't care about the kitchen, but a big table is a must.

we did a session on poetry tonight at storytellers. it got me wondering... what's the definition of a poem. what makes something a poem? some rhyme, some don't. is it the way a sentence is written? or the subject of the content? for example: does this old entry – key – constitute poetry? (excluding the quote as it was taken from an actual poem). i'm starting to wonder if i know how to write poety at all. i bought a book of poems this summer. here are two poems from it...

desire by langston hughes:
desire to us
was like a double death,
swift dying
of our mingled breath,
evaporation
of an unknown strange perfume
between us quickly
in a naked
room.

the shirt by jane kenyon:
the shirt touches his neck
and smoothes over his back.
it slides down his sides.
it even goes down below his belt –
down into his pants
lucky shirt

in case you noticed a theme there, it IS a book of erotic poems. anyways... these don't rhyme, so what is it about them that makes them poems? thoughts?

i didn't know anything at all.

relic

it's taken a little over 3 years, but this is my 1000th entire.

3 years of my life. 1000 times sitting at this computer writing about the contents of my brain. i was a reluctant joiner – i thought no one would read it.

so to commemorate this milestone, i thought i'd go clip-show style and provide links to some of my personal favourites, or entries that are meaningful or significant to me for whatever reason. this is going to be tricky, there's a lot of content for me to sift thru, but i'll try my best :)

too impulsive strikes again? <– my very first ode to fru fru say hello with just a glance <– first quote finish hope & courage <– 2005 wrap-up so far... i'm having a hard time picking because each entry is special for a different reason. it's kind of a crazy time machine taking me back to another time and place. i like it. but at the same time it makes me sad because several people are no longer in my life, but also happy because other people were just acquaintances and yet now are really close friends. ok.... let's continue.... bonfire <– my favourite line is "i wouldn't mind being certifiably insane...." lebanon <– first business trip skywalker <– nose pierced bones <– when i got my nose pierced AGAIN entourage <– when i moved from pirates cove into the maxi pad criminalization of the mentally ill mayo zane

this is taking forever. i think i need to start looking for specific ones now. probably nobody will read these selections anyways.

booth <– when my grandma died pepper miles from home <– 2006 wrap-up 安全 rosary ton of bricks katinka affix licorice niche push <– 2007 wrap-up stitches <– liam was born avid

i'm tired. i don't have the time or attention span to keep skimming my old entries. maybe another day. i'm kind of disappointed that i didn't complete the task, but... what can i say.

i know it's just a weblog, but pspd has been a gateway for many things, and therefore changed my life. i did not expect the outcome i got from starting this online diary, but it's been phenomenal. even reading over some entries tonight i can see how i've changed and matured, and what things have plagued me for many years. when i started that damp october night in 2005, i never imagined 1000 entries. even now i can't imagine another 1000, but as it stands, i can't imagine life without this outlet. it's helped transform me into a more transparent person, it's given me a voice at times when i was unable to form thoughts. and opened doors to friendships that wouldn't have happened otherwise. AND gotten me into some trouble too.... but i learned and grew from those experiences as well.

i guess if it's kosher for me to say this.... i'd admit that i think it's gold and i'm proud of this little venture. it's fun and real, and an active time-capsule. thanks for sharing in this experience with me :)

there are some mornings when the sky looks like a road,
there are some dragons who were built to have and hold,
and some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly,
and some great bellies ache with many bumblebees.

intervene

composition is everything.

sometimes i like to stand and watch the water heat up because i know that it'll eventually start to boil, my logic tells me that it will eventually if i wait long enough. which is true, but do i actually want to spend that chunk of time standing there watching and waiting? it can become very frustrating and can make the wait feel much longer than it actually is. especially when it appears to be so close to the boiling point for so long. so instead i need to walk away. it'll boil eventually, whether i'm standing there or not. and it doesn't mean i don't want the water to boil, but ultimately, if i've found something else to do while i wait i'm happily preoccupied and the time goes much quicker. obviously this is not a new concept, but the truth is i'm not talking about water at all....

this evening i did a lot of living. i worked out. i ate dinner. i left the dishes. i roasted pumpkin seeds. i sat around and watched the tv. this is living. i haven't quite got the hang of it yet, but i'm moving in the right direction.

oooh. i think i'm alive in this song. it hits be right there. i'm changing my definition of being alive. why is it so hard for me to remember that every moment matters as much as the next?

but i'm driven by a passion,
is it only there to tame?

sky

in recent months, actually maybe it's more accurate to say in recent years, i've become more secretive. not in the most typical way. i've found i've begun keeping certain things to myself because i don't want to hear other people's opinions. it's better if i just do something and not tell anyone (or at least specific people) beforehand. it seems that before something is actually done people are more inclined to share their opinion – welcomed or not. which tends to effect my personal decision. however, if i do something and then tell others after the decision is made i receive a totally different reaction, and quite often more supportive. for example, if i had told my coworkers that i was thinking of going to baffin island to visit beckie, they would've said "don't do that! that's crazy! go someplace warm...." but instead, i told them after the trip was planned, so instead they said "wow! why are you going there?" and had all sorts of questions and were open & interested. obviously... i don't always receive negative responses to ideas i have. a lot of people say stuff like "that's a great idea" or whatever, but timing is everything, so i've learned to wait for the right moment.

i don't want to want. i have no desire to desire.

everything is the same as it was a moment ago,
and yet the room looks all at once different.

forever

sometimes i feel a great need to recoil into myself.

it's november and i'm pmsing. that's a terrible combination for me. i won't go into detail about the kind of day i started off having. but i'll tell you that i utterly resigned and was planning on hiding from the world. i knew that i should go out, but i didn't want to. i knew i should find someone to do something with, but didn't want to. but something unexpected happened, which serves to remind me that i don't have to create every good experience i have. sometimes good things happen to me and sometimes i just have to surrender to them. so instead of having a dark day, i......
• went for my very first pedicure at the nail shop around the corner. it was very relaxing and has made my feet feel so smooth. it tickled a little bit.
• baked some tea biscuits and took them to melissa's house to share over good conversation.
• started a new painting for my bathroom wall.
• joined shannon & andrew, todd & chelsea at shandrew's place for a movie that we watched from inside a totally awesome fort.

if i hadn't gone to vine street tonight i would've totally forgotten to change my clocks :S i'm excited about the extra hour. perhaps i'll have more sweet dreams that will bring a smile to my sleeping face.

everything else i'll keep to myself. in the secret compartments of my heart. and that's ok. there's nothing wrong with a little confidentiality.

i'd love to rest
and keep things under the table.

askew

i'm so excited!!! it's official. i'm going to mexico in february with david, cas, matt, and josh! it's gonna be so much fun! cas called me this afternoon to gab about our super fun trip. i'm really happy she's coming. this adventure will earn matt the title as "my token hetero friend". i'm really jazzed. man, i wish we were going next week! i'll need to buy a lonely planet book about puerto vallarta to add to my collection.

they say it takes 23 days to form a habit. but for me... it's taken 5 years to get used to waking up at 6:30 each morning. it's finally getting easier. i set my alarm for 6:05 and hit the alarm clock for over a half-hour, but not because i'm sleepy, but because i'm comfortable. my ideal morning experience involves gradually waking and being able to lie there staring at the ceiling until i'm good and ready to get up. i like that this has become part of my work-day routine.

that conversation took a turn that i was unprepared for. it vehemently makes me hope that i'm not as easy to read as i've been told.

come and see me
i'll be around for a while.

underpin

i dunno. sometimes it seems that escapism is the only thing that sustains me. well... not the only thing, but perhaps the easiest thing. i don't know what i'd do without my imagination.

i think i'd like to get a puppy someday. probably when i'm in my 40s. by then honey and the koe-koe will be long gone, or at least too old to care. cats can live a long time.

i like hanging out at 450 albert street. i had two glasses of wine and i'm feeling tipsy. or at least like my body is very heavy and it requires a lot of effort to type.

they do cool things. why don't we do cool things? why aren't there enough people interested in cool things?

it snowed today for the first time. the funny thing about the weather is that whenever the seasons change they're familar and not at the same time. it seems to me that at some point within the last 6 months enough time had past that it no longer felt common place for there to be snowflakes instead of rain. i wonder what point that was. regardless, i love that there's enough of a break that snow feels new and foreign.

look around, leaves are brown,
and the sky is a hazy shade of winter.

sometimes i still think about it.

tea biscuits

i came to be at peace with myself a number of years ago when i connected with a God of love. the funny thing about that is he's the same God i knew when i associated myself with a God of rules and judgment. the difference came within me instead of requiring me to look someplace else. i don't know when it happened, but my legalism and judgmentalism was slowly striped away until i saw others not as "sinners" but as people – a lot of them hurting. i'm forever grateful that God gave me freedom from my rigid, uptight past. this does not mean that i agree with all the moral and ethical decisions of my contemporaries, but it has enabled me to listen and love genuinely, and at times help when i can. and i've been surprised to learn that loving is not as hard as expected. all it really involves is common respect, it means recognizing differences and accepting them, it sometimes means letting others fall down because their own bad choices – but being there to help pick up the pieces, and being humble enough to not control someone else. it's been a load off my mind to not believe that i'm the only person who has all the answers. jesus said "i have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" and at another time said "if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed" – these are not the words of a man who wants to enslave his friends or burden them with rules. i now know what it's like to live and move and have my being in God, and it's a marvellous place to be.

at sunday lunch we got talking about multiple intelligences. joy's a teacher and recently read a book about the different intelligences and how EVERYONE is intelligent in their own way. it kind of made me sad that my mom was so down on herself that she kept saying she wasn't intelligent in ANY way. it shocks me that someone could reach 62 and not recognize their unique intelligence. anyways, the 8 different categories are as follows: verbal-linguistic, math-logic, spatial, bodily-kinesthetic, musical, interpersonal, intrapersonal, naturalist. for a more detailed explaination check out this page. we all agreed that my best intelligence is intrapersonal, and that i also do very well with spacial and interpersonal. but i also think i'm pretty good at verbal since writing is very key in my self-awareness. what about you guys? after reading the different types, what kind of intelligent are you??

the autumn winds blow chilly and cold.

conte

heather said something the other night at living room about her mom never considering their house clean enough to have company over. that sounds a lot like me. that and i'm self-conscious of my cooking. however, i'm working on the cooking thing, and the whole clean thing, i just need to chill – no one expects a lived-in house to be perfect. i never go to other people's houses and inspect it's cleanliness. so this evening i had melissa over, it was lovely having her company AND she enjoyed my cooking. so i'm feeling encouraged. which says a lot because i was feeling out of sorts this morning. she even played boggle with me which was very fun. i love boggle. beckie and i played it A LOT when i was up north.

sometimes i forget to do things.

sometimes i'm way too hard on myself. other times i think i'm the cat's meow. it's really a very confusing existence.

i need to drink more water. i'm resolving to spend the next 6 weeks making a conscious effort to drink more water. that puts me at.... december 4. ooh big day. i wonder if mayelin will have had her baby by then. ok... i'm telling you this so you can help me with my water consumption. i'm not cutting other substances, just increasing water.

i'll choose to see it as a reminder of what NOT to do....

i am lonely but you can free me
all in the way that you smile.

vomit

in my first-aid class today i heard about a 90 year old lady who gave her husband CPR in the walmart parking lot for 10 minutes before they were found/an ambulance came. he survived, which is insane because there's a 10% chance of surviving a heart-attack when it takes place anywhere other than a hospital. on top of that, ANYONE giving CPR for 10 minutes straight is unheard of. that's amazing. she was exhausted and had to be taken to be taken to the hospital afterwards. good on her, what an awesome old lady. they don't get much older than that!!

don't try to hug someone thru a car window. you'll just end up hurting yourself.

i don't like skeptical people. well... that's rude of me... i don't appreciate over-skepticism. when people say stuff like "how am i supposed to know that they don't just take my recycling to the dump with the regular garbage?" come on!?!? how can a person say such a thing. they're totally just looking for an excuse to not bother with recycling. sheesh. some people are suspicious of all the wrong things. or perhaps they're just cynical towards the things that oppose their agenda. which is all the more frustrating, because at the root of it is a control issue. it bothered me when people argued with the first-aid instructor. i don't care if they don't understand why you should only administer one shock from the defibrillator if the casualty is suffering from hypothermia. you just don't because the experts are telling you not to. that answer should be enough. there's a time to question authority for sure, but when a superior is trying to save lives or the planet, conceding should be a no-brainer.

it all works out in the end.

undone

this evening i saw the secret life of bees with mayelin. it was really great. quite honestly, it was the best book-to-movie movie i've ever seen. i was very impressed, they did a fantastic job. i hate it when the plot is changed for no reason, so i really appreciated that they didn't do that.

i once read a book where the author went into great detail about the ellipsis. i loved it. it was every woman's inner crazy girl trying to decipher what was being said or not said.

rhonda wrote to me about how her pants were too short yesterday and it made her feel like a dork. i thoroughly enjoyed that someone else's mood was affected by their clothes.

the tunnel connecting the two buildings resonated with the sound of the rain over head. there's something about being sheltered from a storm that warms my heart and makes me feel safe and secure.

i know you won't fail...

river

i thought the foreword was supposed to go at the beginning.

i had a totally awesome day today because i got to wear the most comfy pair of pants ever. they felt like butter they were so smooth. it reminded me of how in highschool mandy and i called days like that being naked with your waistband on. i won't bother explaining further.

i was thinking this evening about how paul likes to tease me about being old. in reality, i'm not old at all, but i seem so to him because he's 21 and i was born in the 70's. i agree that i'm no spring chick, but i can honestly say i wouldn't trade anything to relive being 21. i feel about my early 20s how a lot of people feel about their teen years. besides, i'm pretty satisfied with how i've lived my 29th year.

hmph. part of me just wants to get it over with.

this has been one of those evenings where i'm a bit like a zombie. i feel a little bit lonely today. i think i need to get some sleep. i'll just go pass out now.... g'night.

if i should pass the tomb of Jonah
i would stop there and sit for a while;
because i was swallowed one time deep and dark
and came out alive after all.

deep

i wish i could wrap this song around me like a blanket it and sleep within it.

the world is saturated in you.

so this is what i concluded... i'm an outgoing introvert. i'm very relational, but i seem to enjoy/thrive-in one-on-one friendships the most. i enjoy larger group events, but look-forward to more personal conversations afterwards. i'm very introspective + self-aware, and need a certain amount of alone time in order to maintain a well-balanced life-style. it's also much easier for me to be alone sometimes then to make an effort with others and yet i'm not self-sufficient alone (contact with others is essential for my well-being – probably a result of my introspective nature, i get worked into a spiral if alone for too long). i'm also a people person who finds just about anyone interesting and like to ask people a lot of questions and learn all about them. i mingle well in social gatherings, although, this sometimes it requires taping into an internal source or falling back on previous social training. i'm animated and lively, which contributes to my outgoing side and often hides the fact that i'm shy. yup, i think that's a pretty accurate description of me, except i really do enjoy interacting with people in a larger group setting then it appears in what i just wrote. i'm a people-watcher. i'd just been thinking about that earlier today, and it's easier for me to form my thoughts completely when write them out, so here's as good as any place else. i suppose clearly defining myself is neither here nor there, but it gives me some peace of mind, and i'll rest well having figured myself out a little better. because, well... this is what i have to work with.

sometimes i could just kick myself when i realize the answer has been sitting under my nose the whole time.

where would i find you?

unbeknownst

i love that while i was at the birthday party of my pure-bred dutch friend (melissa) at the brew pub, a troupe of bagpipers with a highland dancer came in and volunteered to perform for us. it was totally random and yet super awesome.

this afternoon on my way home from downtown i stopped at mcburney park and laid in the leaves for a half-hour. it was really relaxing and beautiful.

i read this in my book today (the character's parents split up when he was 10 – just like me): 'In college, I had a course in Latin, and one day the word "divorce" camp up. I always figured it came from some root that meant "divide". In truth, it comes from "divertere," which means "to divert". I believe that. All divorce does is divert you, taking you away from everything you thought you knew and everything you thought you wanted and steering you into all kinds of other stuff, like discussions about your mother's girdle and whether she should marry someone else'. after thinking about it, i concluded it's the most accurate literary synopsis i've ever read pertaining to my family life.

what can i say but i'm wired this way.

refund

i like the way the moon shines thru my bare window frame creating a square of light on my floor.

put the horse before the cart.

exit

there's something about procrastination that makes everything just so lovely.

i can't recall when i last felt so comfortable in my own skin. i'm just hanging out around the house in some comfy clothes and i feel like a hundred bux. it's one of those evenings when everything feels right in my world. my goodness... it's amazing the difference a good pair of pants makes. if i could wear whatever i wanted to work, i'd have much more job satisfaction :p naw, it's not just my trousers. it's must bigger. it's like i've just had an arcane glimpse of the universe. it's like a switch has been flicked in my brain and i'm no longer bored.

everyday on the way to work i see a white dove. it's completely surreal because it's so out of place and rare. part of me wonders if it's just an albino pigeon, part of me wondered if it was even there or if i was just seeing things. every time i see it, i'm reminded – it's a sacred reminder in a mundane moment.

it may be a while.

you always knew just how to put the fire out.

behemoth

sometimes after donating blood... plans change and a girl can find herself at jordin's house watching the business of being born completely out of the blue with a bunch of birthaholics. it was very informative. i suggest any woman with a uterus should watch it.

your inside is out,
and your outside is in.

misunderstanding

*sigh* i can honestly say, i'm glad the end of this day has arrived. it was a good day, but full and i had a lot of errands to run after work. this is pretty much the first time i've stopped since leaving work. and even now i'm doing. i'm gonna turn off my computer early tonight and just hangout on my bed. reading or doing crosswords. they've been helping you know... the crosswords. i'm regaining my mental agility.

well, i did my annual civic duty and used my democratic right. and as usual, it turned in to a "where's waldo?" of sorts, but instead it was a "where's lesley's polling station". there's about half a dozen polling stations in this neighbourhood, and they seem to enjoy sending me to the least close one. i live literary across the street from the memorial centre, i could throw a ball and hit it, and yet they send me some place else. i realize the other places are quite close, but they're not as close as kitty-corner from my home. please see the image below.

haha, i'm a massive nerd. i don't know who else would go to the extent of coping an image off google earth, then circling her house and marking the polling stations to make a point. i love that i live across the street from the m centre. for more reason than one. i like that i choose to keep the most ludicrous and delicious reason to myself.

i will keep that 25 dollars and use it to build my fortune.

my... look at the time. i should scoot. i'm tired, but feeling upbeat in an exhausted kind of way.

28 and bored.

doe

i'd like to talk a little bit about intimidation. i've been thinking about it a lot lately. where does it come from? what perpetuates it? is it something about the other person or is it caused by an existing insecurity? maybe it's a combination. i have this friend who i was incredibly intimidated by before i got to know her. we're very different in certain ways, and that's to our advantage. she's one of my biggest fans, as i am hers. i've been dwelling a lot on my personal weaknesses lately, things about me that i'm self-conscious of. they make me worry that i'll be searched and be found wanting. to the point that i've been questioning what i DO have to offer. but i've come to the conclusion that i am simply me, and THAT'S what i have to offer. sure there might be lots of other people out there with the qualities i have, but i'm the only one of my exact combination of ingredients. i'm unique and i mustn't forget that.

this afternoon carpooler paul and i went to frontenac park.

he kept wanting to climb a mountain but there aren't any in this neck of the woods, so i suggested frontenac park. i'd been wanting to go there all summer, so i was happy to have someone to go with. just to clarify.... for those of you following along at home.... it was not a date. i don't talk about dates in public forums. in fact... i rarely talk about guys i like by name on pspd. just wanted to set you straight in case you got all "wink, wink" "nudge, nudge" on me. anyways, it was a really beautiful day, which made for a nice hike.

alas, i don't suppose i made any impression what so ever. but that's better than a bad impression, so i can't complain.

as we live a life of ease,
every one of us is all we need.

hourglass

so.... i have three days worth of stuff bottled up. three days of fun quality stuff.

first.... i went to david's place on thursday night in whitby/oshawa. i took the train and sadly got seated beside someone who appeared unbalanced – as an extra added disturbing bonus he turned out to be reading american psycho. anyways, i had a super fantastic time with david, as usual. it was short, but very sweet. he took me out for dinner and drove me around in his massive 18 seater van. i shouldn't have laughed at him, but it just seems so funny this young handsome guy driving around in a van the size of my bedroom.


next day, i took the GO into the city for my seminar. i'd never been on the GO before and i was very excited because it's a bombardier train. it was really mellow, i enjoyed just chilling, listening to my ipod. the seminar was good. it was about indesign, which is the program i use at work for brochures, ads, etc, and at home for hatch and the standard. i learned a number of things, but there was a significant amount of things i already knew (about 70-30). which really, made me feel awesome and very confident in my design ability.

afterwards, i met up with kate and we went up the cn tower. i haven't been up since about 1987ish, so it was my first time as an adult, and my first time on the glass floor. i was rather anxious about the glass and held onto kate's arm as i stepped on. it took me a while too, like when i jump into a pool of cold water. we had a really great time because we were there during the daytime, then saw the sunset, and saw the city at night! we sat in the restaurant overlooking the downtown hub. it was a beautiful sight, i strongly suggest the tower at night time.


i took the train home at 10:00. since it was the last train there was no VIA1, which enlightened me to the fact that i've grown quite accustomed to traveling in style and did not enjoy economy class the way i used to :( i don't downsize with as much ease as i'd like.

this afternoon i decided i needed to do some clothes shopping. i hate spending money, but it was quite obviously time for some new pants. sarah kindly brought this to my attention the other day when she stuck her finger in the hole i was hoping no one noticed. anyways, i invited shannon along since she doesn't have a car and probably doesn't make it out to the mall very often. she was very kind to come with me and i realized i've gone shopping with a friend probably about 4 times in the last ten years! afterwards she invited me for dinner. which brings me to the final leg of this entry....

shannon, andrew, chelsea and i went over to the corn maze this evening. it was an amazingly beautiful night to be out in the countryside on wolfe island. we split into teams (s & c vs. a & l) and were given walkie-talkies. andrew and i got horribly lost and just couldn't get ourselves going in the right direction. eventually we gave up and went out the entrance. we came across the farmer who took us in the back way and thru shortcuts until we found shan & chels again. he suggested they give us a head start, then took us way ahead and hid us in the corn stalks so we could jump out and scare the other girls. it was really amusing. we did eventually make it out alive. it was tough. we treated ourselves to a bonfire where we roasted marshmallows and played with the kitties in the barn. it was really fun. kind of funny the contrast between last night and tonight. both were fun.

wow. it's been a jam-packed 3 days. fun times! and we still have 2 days of weekend left!

i've reaccessed some choices,
made amends with all the voices.

veritably

i don't know about you, but i've definitely never seen a pink and purple coyote before.

for the last two weeks paul's had to sit thru me complaining about the hoodlums who stole the poles from my green party sign. on the way to work we've spotted several empty election sign poles (the plastic sign part have either been snatched or blown away). this morning when we were at a stop light, i asked him to jump out and grab a set of poles so i can re-instate my sign. the light turn green as he opened the car door to get out and i sat there watching the cars behind me. as he rushed to get back into the car the poles barely fit and he struggled to get inside. it totally cracked me up. a very entertaining way to start the day. the hoodlums have not won. hurray!

i sat with atousa in the cafeteria at lunch. she's asked me repeatedly but i really enjoy walking/reading at lunch so i never went. however, i thought it would be good for me since i want to break my social bubble. it was fun. i'm glad i did it. she's super easy to be around.

well... tomorrow i'm heading to the GTA for a seminar on adobe indesign. i'm pretty excited about that. plus, i'm spending the night at david's place and going up the cn tower with kate on friday. should be a super fun two days.

am trying to say
what i want to say
without having to say
"i love you".

awana

i got hit in the head with a lacross ball.
hahaha

rachel.... (per our conversation)... this is a overtly-subtle message.

i'm done with crocheting. we are not well-suited. but i've tried it out and know we not right for each other. i've completed two coasters and i'm quite content with that. now i've got to get back to the knitting pronto but haven't got a new project.

i've always prided myself on my ability to remember names. i have a freakishly good memory and i like it that way. except, i'm becoming alarmed because over the past week on several occasions i've been coming up short on names. even for people i know quite well, they stand before me and i go several minutes without the foggiest idea what their names are. this is bothering me a great deal. i feel like i'm slowly losing my mind and worry if this is a foreshadowing of my future. i think i need to bust out the cross-word puzzles, it's been a while, i bet that would help. i need to exercise my brain.

we'll all have a good laugh
when they tell us that time is of the essence.

ethos

i woke this morning with a distinct dread for reality. it made me grumpy and rather sad. the day improved after i had the chance to write my guts out to a friend. then improved still when i got an email from another friend. that and the music i was listening to. music has such an awesome impact on moods that it blows my mind.

the turn of events are unpleasant and remind me of how sucky life can be at times. it makes me feel like a used hanky. i don't ever want to make someone feel like this. and as a result i'll probably overcompensate and worry that i'm still failing. alls i know for sure... is that it takes being a good friend to have a good friend. at least that's how the theory goes.

sometimes i feel like i'm having an identity crisis. i'm excited. and unhappy. and content. and dissatisfied. i'm hopeful, and yet despondent. i don't like it, it's really confusing.

well... there's always tomorrow. there's the slight possibility that things will take a turn for the best at any time now. i'll hold in there, because i know i'm much stronger than simply giving in.

the patron saints all patronize me.

mandolin

last night after writing my entry, i ended up putsying around the pad until 2 am. i was doing some impromptu decorating in my bathroom. i think after years of being dissatisfied with it, we've finally developed a kinship. it's so cozy and inviting now. i'm finding myself just standing in there for long periods of time for now reason. this afternoon i went in there with a cup of tea and sat on the edge of my bathtub admiring the walls. it gives me extreme satisfaction. except, the new shelf i put up is crooked and that bothers the graphic designer in me a LOT. i considered taking it down and fixing it, but i don't think i should be putting more holes in the wall. so i've accepted the need to ignore it's slant. it's bothersome but not hurting anyone. what i need to get is a level.

this afternoon i volunteered at the soup kitchen for the first time. i was both excited and nervous. it was a lot of fun, we cooked the meal then served it to them buffet style. i was really touched by how polite and consider everyone was, it warmed my heart and gave me a new perspective. i'm on chelsea's meal team, but she's really short volunteers, so if you're interested in helping out once a month talk to her or ask me more about it. i'm glad andrew and shannon were there this week to help teach me the ropes. i think i'll feel less nervous next time, i'm mostly just being stretched outside of my comfort zone, which is ok because i'm helping others.

i'm sold. i wish i wasn't. but i am.

i am cold, waiting for the day to come.

pigmy

the cirque du soleil meets AND exceeds its reputation.

back in the summer rhonda and i made the decision to go to the cirque in ottawa this fall. it was so fun and utterly amazing. we sat in the back row of a large tent referred to as the "grand chapiteau" which holds 2,600 people, and yet still had a great view and didn't feel far from the action. the huge portable "big top" was intimate in spite of it's vast size.

we saw corteo – i encourage you to watch the 30 second video clip on the intro page, it shows up at the top of the page once its fully loaded.

the performances and performers were enchanting. from women dangling from chandeliers to trampoline beds, tight-rope walking to trapeze artists. cirque du soleil IS what the circus was meant to be. it was amazing. one of my favourite elements is when i see all the acrobatics and gymnastics i think "this is exactly what those olympians are training to do!" it's nice seeing all of those skills in use, and it makes it all the more beautiful in context. the final scene involved about 8 high-bars and at several times there were about a dozen men twirling and flipping simultaneously. at that point i leaned over to rhonda and said "the only thing that would make this better is if they all didn't have shirts on..."

seriously, the whole experience was magical. there were a few scenes with these two costume horses – you know the kind that have two people in side? i love costume horses, i think even better than real-live horses, they're frickin hilarious!

i was also extremely impressed by the grand chapiteau, it definitely did NOT feel like we were in the middle of a parking lot beside a mall. it has such a distinct atmosphere inside it that it made you forget everything beyond the walls. all the merchandize was insanely expensive, like i'm talking clothes that cost more than my ticket. but i did treat myself to a cirque du soleil tea cup, it was a decent price and a nice keepsake.

we thoroughly enjoyed the experience and have resolved to do things like that more often.

the next issue of hatch was supposed to be "hatch gets cultured" but due lack of funds we've had to cancel the fall issue and skip to the winter one. i was going to write about corteo, but al said to save it and not blab it all in the blogosphere. i don't know if we're going to ditch the "gets cultured" theme or not, but i think i'll write my story anyways because if i wait i'll forget. besides, it'll be a nice reminder for me to read over later.

things are good my people.

i've got places to be,
but nowhere that i need to go.

ticket

a little bit of empathy can go a long long way.

it didn't go as i had expected, but it never does. so i was pleasantly surprised by then unpredictableness of it.

sometimes i really want to surpass people's expectations of me. i'm convinced i'm capable of much more and find it annoying and frustrating when i'm not able to show that to people around me. sometimes i feel like a loser because the bar is set so low for me. but thankfully the people who know me well grasp my potential. i know that for certain. that's very comforting.

i'm wearing my toque because it's really frickin cold in here. but the heat just kicked on, so that's good. i'm gonna keep wearing it though, it's cozy and comfy.

do you not yearn at all?

rainy

she and i walk the line. to some we are conservative. to others we are liberal. but we are us, and i think we're both ok with being on the fence. i'm not really a fan of such labels anyways.

i liked sewing while watching a movie about football. it felt very contrary and seemed to amplify my femininity.

i think i was too enthusiastic while washing my dishes because i'm drenched. the worst thing about getting splashed with hot water is the progress of it slowly turning into cold water while embedded in my clothes.

i think spell check gives the false impression of being a good speller. whenever it alerts me of a misspelled word, i correct it right away, then i immediately forget that i don't actually know how to spell that word in real life.

you've got too much to wear on your sleeves.