joyful

contrary to my usual preference, i woke-up this morning at 5:15 and was at the shore of lake ontario at 5:45 for an easter sunday event. as i walked up to shan and brendan i told them "i'm unusually chipper for this time in the morning", brendan said "we can see that". i think it was because i was wearing my hot-pink snowpants, that and the fact i was simply excited about easter.

we stood in a circle holding a jar containing a candle in one hand, and a piece of paper and a rock in the other. we faced the west and spoke the words of things that bind us. we turned and faced the east and spoke the words of things we want to embrace. we threw the rock into the lake, symbolizing getting rid of the things that weigh us down. this activity was based on an old practice done in the past by monks. it was beautiful. then we together we sang songs and watched the sun make it's appearance beyond wolfe island. it was remarkable. i stood there thinking "this happens EVERY morning. EVERY morning. and we miss it." that's a shame, because it's a frickin miracle.

i came home to get dressed properly (because i was wearing my pajamas under my snowpants), then walked over to next for a easter sunday breakfast. i was wide awake, and enjoyed the fresh air on my skin and in my lungs. i had a nice time visiting with people over breakfast, and enjoyed the service immensely. it almost makes me wonder if i should always get up early on sunday mornings so that i'm fully awake by 10 and can really connect with the people at church.

i met a girl in the service who i chatted with. i asked her questions. her answers prompted more questions, and so it went. i probably could have asked her questions about her life all morning. but she stopped me and said "ok, enough about me, what about you?" she shifted awkwardly in the pew. i tried to explain that i like people so that she'd feel less uncomfortable by my interest, she compared it to 20 questions. my mom is the same way as me, once many years ago she worked at the ministry office of the salvation army. at lunch she'd sit with her colleagues and ask them questions to start conversation. they seemed rather put off and uncomfortable. she hated that job. and her co-workers made her feel self-conscious about asking questions as though she was prying. she's gun-shy now, and it still comes up "the ladies at the salvation army....". i try to assure her that not everyone will be like the women at the sally-ann. i hope i don't get myself into trouble some day thru my method of conversation making. i like it when people ask me questions, my brain interprets that as "oh! this person is interested in me, they care about me, they want to hear about this thing that's important to me" and it feels nice. i would prefer to err on the side of too much interest than seeming uninterested. let the interogation of love continue!

it was chilly, so i wore my airwalk boots this morning. they're a little worse for wear these days. much to my disappoint, i think i'll have to replace them next winter :( oh well. it's ok, boots aren't made to last forever. i got 3 winters out of them.

when you're bathed in light
and when your body bursts wide open
do you start to cry?
not cause you die, but cause you die still hoping?

melissa & me

i can't look at it right now. i'm ok, i'm doing alright. i'm not freaking out. but sitting here looking at it would be very upsetting. so i'll divert my eyes. the truth of the matter is i just hate that you beat me to it.

on different note, i feel smiley and encouraged.

tomorrow is easter. i've gone 40 days without meat (except for that time i accidentally ate in on the way to oakville at 7am). i can officially eat meat tomorrow, but i have little-to-no desire to. i've managed quite well and kind of wonder what the point of eating meat is – life is very sustainable without it. however, i could go for some bacon. i can't bring myself to become a vegetarian, and life is easier (at least more convenient) eating meat from time to time, but i probably won't make eating meat part of my regular diet. i'll consume meat in moderation, which seems very sensible.

followed the trail to the wild flowers.

hungry

i like how hanging out with the melles often changes my plans for the remainder of the day. i went over to hangout with bren this afternoon, and ended up going out to see frost/nixon with her husband mike at the screening room. it was good and informative. i was glad mike was with me, because there were a few things he explained to me in a whisper during the film.


here's a less than flattering photo that ro took of me yesterday. i was very cooperative and followed his instructions for poses. i like that her kids are getting used to me. how kieran friendily waved at me thru the window, and skye has started talking to me and using my name! that's a pretty big deal :)

when i've combed my dreads so that they look like 'sideshow bob' i know i've done it correctly.

i booked jill and my 4-day trek along the inca trail this afternoon. it's later in july than we had hoped, but the dates were booking up FAST, and in a matter of a few short days about 600 spots were taken. madness! exciting! this is the trek we're doing. we're splurging and getting a porter to carry our stuff, we figured we'd enjoy it so much more if we weren't miserable. i almost feel badly that i'm ONLY paying someone $98 US to carry my duffel bag thru the andes for 4 days. now we just have to finalize our travel :) i'm tickled pink.

everyone around wants to give you their thanks,
everyone around wants to give you their hands.
we want to thank you so much!
may every breath you breathe be built on sacred things.

compost

this evening took an unexpected turn in events. it's been amusing, surprising, and a little daring. oh my, it makes me laugh. i'm curious to see how it will all pan out.

sometimes i think it's unnecessary to state the obvious.

he’s 38 years old never kissed a girl.

gleeful

i wonder about this expression "a pictures tells a thousand words". i'm skeptical because i have photos or have seen photos that could not nearly express the richness of a moment or experience. the best example of this is the movie based on the best selling novel. movies rarely come close to the fullness of a book. sometimes little is known without the addition of words. the right words can break an image wide open. the saying is not "the camera is mightier than the sword" although, that is also true at times. i dunno. i just want to sing the praises of words because they blow my mind.

you know what i just realized? there is no other word for 'word'. can you think of any?

you may have noticed that i'm up past my bed-time and my computer is still on. i had a late bored meeting and didn't have time to write beforehand. i really didn't want to go two nights in a row without splashing my thoughts on this canvas.

i feel like a square peg in a round hole. i wonder if i'll ever find the right fit. i'm not your regular girl. perhaps a little obscure for every day consumption. however, in spite of my aches, i wouldn't want it any other way. i'm a satisfactory version of myself.

it's possible that i haunt you. you may be the first one ever.

almost each night between two and four,
she rolls out of bed and onto the floor.

inconspicuous

i found it somewhat alarming that i had a good day at work today. i had less of an aching desire to get out of there as soon as possible. however, just because all the days aren't bad doesn't mean i should stay there for eternity. sometimes it's just time to move on.

have i mentioned that i'm reading "to kill a mockingbird"? unlike most people i know, i didn't read it in highschool english. within days if starting it i found 2 similarities to the book i'd just finished. i found it amusing that two points of plot were the same in "boy meets girl" (a book version of the mindless chick-flick genre) and "to kill a mockingbird" (a modern classic). 1) they both involved laywers. 2) both involve someone biting off a finger. number 2 is odd in any book, but extra strange that it occured in two consecutive books. very odd.

well a week has gone by with me turning my computer off before 9:30 (on nights before workdays), and i'd say it was a great experience. so i'm going to extend this practise in hopes of it becoming a habit. i'm way too distracted by both the internet and by music that i get into bed WAY too late.

i had to buy more dread shampoo the other day. i'd have to say, knottyboy has the nicest smelling shampoo i've ever used! they didn't have the same flavour as last time so i got "patchouli love" sounds fancy huh? dreamy even. and it smells soooo good.

i should go or yogi master dennis will try to make small talk with me about being late for class. oh frig... i just got distracted by a rad song and now i'm TOTALLY gonna be late. argh!

my mother told me
to put on your boots
and go out in the backyard.

palm

i'm developing a bit of a pet-peeve. i feel uncomfortable when cashiers comment on my purchases. it doesn't happen everywhere, but it happens consistently at certain places (i.e. chapters and the church bookroom). i don't mind people talking to me, i'd just rather it was something like "how are you today?" or "isn't kingston beautiful in the spring time?" instead of them giving me their opinion of my selection. it feels weird, because if i DIDN'T think it was going to be good, i wouldn't be buying it, would i?

i have to tell you something so that i'm not misunderstood. being a 29-year-old woman, babies come into my realm of thought from time to time. this is normal. perhaps even healthy. but unfortunately, it means that it's sometimes very difficult for me to hear that others are having babies, especially people who are my age, or sometimes younger. obviously there are exceptions: friends who already have kids, friends who desperately want to have kids but are having difficulty. i can be joyful with them, and i'm joyful for the others once i get over the initial shock. it's tough because i'm not choosing to be celibate, it's been somewhat forced upon me by circumstances. so please understand when i start complaining about being surrounded by baby-factories, or say couples lose their coolness when they reproduce, that i'm not just simply a jerk. it's just buckets of salt in my wounds. it's incredibly alienating being surrounded by young moms. especially at ladies nights at next when the topic revolves around babies and child-birth. i don't want people to have to tip-toe around me or anything, i'd just like to be included and not excluded.

i should go.

don't you put me on the back burner.

goldfish

i'm FREEZING!

i went with my mom to the home show this afternoon. it wasn't really my cup of tea considering i don't own a home and have no plans of buying one. but i know what it's like to want to go to something but not have anyone to go with so i agreed to join her. we were finished there sooner than we anticipated so i invited her to the goat with me. i never thought i'd take my family to the goat, i felt like that part of my world was very separate from my family life, but i suddenly felt inclined to introduce her to it. it felt a little odd, but i liked that she got to know me better while sitting there. as we talked she kept asking me what i felt my purpose of my life is; what my burning hearts desire is that will leave a legacy. she didn't seem to like my answers – they weren't deep enough or profound enough. we went over it and over it, until i finally said "mom, i'm answering your question, you're just not accepting my response". ultimately, it seems she was trying to give me a sense of purpose because she herself lacks one – or did until she found one – and i appreciate her attempt at helping me find purpose. but the truth is, i don't lack one. my life is very fulfilling. it sucks if a person (any person, not just my mom) looks at me and thinks i have no purpose, but that's really just self-projection – them projecting themselves on me. regardless, she's got me thinking, and reminded me that i won't have the same level of interest in life in my 60s if i don't have a clearly defined meaning or legacy. when i really try thinking about my heart's desires a coldplay song strikes up in my head and i know all i want is what he's singing: "i wanna live life and always be true. i wanna live life and be good to you. i wanna fly and never come down. live my life and have friends around". what more could i ask for? i think there are two ways of looking at life: 1) a plot – going from A to B and the facts about what happens along the way. 2) a story – a tale about a journey including the struggles and victories, experiencing every aspect and facet. my life is a story, and my purpose is to invest in the lives of the people around me and the experiences in which i find myself. there. i should send that to my mom and tell her to stick that in her pipe and smoke it. haha ;) i guess the way i see it is that the story continues even when we're old, even when we're past the climax of the plot.

i feel apologetic that my life's purpose is not to cure cancer or minister to orphans, but it's not and i'm not going to kid myself. all i can do is be the best me i can be. i've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and i'm totally in a "sowing my wild oats" phase. i'm ok with that. it's better to do that now than later when i have people depending on me.

i had a good time with my mom today. i learned new things about her. i appreciate that we're on the same level. she's gone thru the same things i have/am and is patient with me. at one point she said to me "you're still sorting it out aren't you" with a pensive look on her face, then said "i've been there too".

have you ever noticed how similar the words "comedy" and "committe" sound?

talkers keep saying things like "you'll be alright".

skip

the best thing about surprises is that they could happen at any moment.

my mother told me,
to look up and down and all around.
and to be thankful for all you’ve got.
so hold on.

precocious

i have writer's block. that's what happens when i pressure myself to write so that i can turn off my computer at 9:30. i did a few things today, but i can't seem to stream them together as continuous thoughts/sentences.

i don't feel well. i think my dinner is not sitting well inside my organs.

it seems i'm at a bit of a fork in the road. those come up frequently. perhaps it's the way i live my life. or maybe it's just part of getting up each morning. i'm not going to do anything rash. there are times when i wish someone else would make my decisions for me, this is one of those times. ah... it always goes back to me being a decision avoider. interesting.

you signed and sealed it.

buttertart

it seems i've given up the Y in exchange for chapters bookstore. i've been there three times in the last week buying books. good thing i got an irewards card.

everyday i drive past the school bus depot which is guarded by a handful of picketers. they remind me more of the kingston santa claus parade than a group of employees on strike. when i think of a picket line, i think 'billy elliott' – the UK miners strike. that's the kind of mayhem i'm looking for. not a few stragglers with wimpy signs smiling and waving as the cars drive by. maybe tomorrow i should try to cross their picket line just to see what they do. i suspect they'd try to hug me and offer me some cocoa...

it's no wonder i have a complex. i swear my own father has lost interested in calling me now that i'm actually answering the phone. i hate men! i hate them. i hate playing their games. i hate that they don't like you if you like them. i hate that you have to seem weak and pathetic because otherwise they're intimidated. i wish they'd all just grow a pair. part of me thinks i'll regret this outburst, but i don't care. i'm just so pissed off at the XY genepool, and i know it won't make any difference anyways, because for some reason they all think i'm a leper. well screw them, they're all stupid anyways. (i probably wouldn't care so much if i didn't think guys were so cool)

your head is full of fire.

certain

i am not a fast reader.
but i am nearly finished the 400 page book i started yesterday. seriously, it's an awesome book. i'm completely addicted to it. hardly a spare moment goes by that i'm not reading. when i'm not at a computer, sitting in a dentist chair, or dancing with no pants on while wearing galoshes, i'm reading that book. if you like living vicariously thru your single friend's crazy adventures, then you need to read this book. and don't say you don't because if you read this blog frequently there's a little bit of that going on...

on friday night i went to see julie doiron at the grad club with andrew and shannon. the opening band went on at 10:30, she went on around midnight. we were TOTALLY falling asleep :S that part sucked, but she was good and it was fun – a&s are good company. i didn't get home until 2. anyways, i bought a cd and when i was at work, i was listening to it with my new headphones (which i love by the way, they block out the surrounding noise wonderfully, and the sound quality is great) and i heard a cat meow! i was shocked and startled. i paused the music to determine where the meowing was coming from, who in their right mind would bring a cat to work!?!?! i heard nothing. i pressed play. soon, i heard it again! pause. listened. nothing. play. meow. pause. nothing. play. meow. rewind. play. meow. rewind. play. meow. it was coming from that track! it sounded so real and close! it sounded as though it was coming from a direction. it made me laugh that i'd been so duped. so funny. headphones are tricky that way.

i tried to keep a straight face at the dentist today as my dentist lady wiped my face. it struck me very amusing, and i very slowly began to crack a smile. i was kind of embarrassed that i found it so funny. she probably would have thought that was childish of me. i wouldn't have minded had it not been such a personal and intimate act. i'm smirking now.

if i'm permitted to say this... i have a nice neck. i think it's one of my best features. i probably wouldn't have noticed had people not complimented me on it. i know it seems weird, because it's just a glorified hinge. but it's nice, and i might as well have features i appreciate. frig, everyone should have features they like about themselves.

i want you,
i want you,
i want you,
i want you to sew a button on my shirt.

equilibrium

i just started an incredible book – boy meets girl.

it might seem strange that on the heels of finishing a literary masterpiece like 'life of pi' that i would turn to something so frivolous, but i love it! it's so cleverly written. it's the sequel to a book i read a couple of years ago (boy next door). it's written all as emails, instant messages, etc. it's so addictive because the messages are just short and amusing. just like emails. i always think "oh, i'll just read one more" and then one more, and one more. can't put it down. it makes me giggle and squeal like a silly girl! like i said, i love it.

i'm trying this new thing... i'm going to turn my computer off at 9:30 every evening for the next week, so i can go to bed at a decent time. which is why i'm writing my entry BEFORE yoga class.

i wanna dance.
i wanna dance.
i wanna dance.
i wanna dance.

barf

i just finished the life of pi. so satisfying. i read an amazing chapter the other day that was so beautiful and so real. i dog-eared the page, as i do frequently when reading yann martel. this chapter went like this: "at such moments i tried to elevate myself. i would touch the turban i had made with the remnants of my shirt and i would say "THIS IS GOD'S HAT!" i would pat my pants and say aloud "THIS IS GOD'S ATTIRE!". i would point to richard parker and say aloud "THIS IS GOD'S CAT!" i would point to the lifeboat and say aloud "THIS IS GOD'S ARK!" i would spread my hands and say aloud "THIS IS GOD'S WIDE ACRES!" i would point at the sky and say aloud "THIS IS GOD'S EAR!" and in this way i would remind myself of creation and of my place in it. but God's hat was always unravelling. God's pants were falling apart. God's cat was a constant danger. God's ark was a jail. God's wide acres were slowly killing me. God's ear didn't seem to be listening." beautiful. i have those moments. it's lovely to see it in writing and to know i'm not the only one.

i'm 29 years old. i'm not really that young anymore, but younger still than i'm ever going to be. i SO haven't got it all figured out. it's funny now things becomes less certain as one gets older. i'd imagine it to be the other way around. however, with age comes experience, with experience comes understandings, with understanding comes grace, with grace comes love. just because it's hard doesn't mean it's not good.

i know spring won't come to me so soon.

wire

i went out today with the sole goal of purchasing a nice pair of galoshes with my tax return. i've been wanting some snazzy galoshes for several years now, but all the nice ones are quite expensive. but i decided that's what i would purchase this year with my return. so i went to A-1 clothing because i'd seen some in their window a couple weeks back. i've heard that store has a bad reputation for being full of jerks, and quite quickly i had a brush with one. he was very rude and condescending to me and i wanted him to go away so i told him i didn't need assistance. unfortunately while helping myself, i managed to knock over a bunch of stuff in their display window :S then the same little snot came by and was rude to me again. so upon deciding on a size 7 boot i got out of there as fast as i could. taking my new galoshes with me, i went to the goat for some lunch and reading. while i was there i bumped into jonni. he was in a very pleasant mood and sat down to chat with me. i was encouraged because he seemed to think my 18-month plan was a good one, and the way i see it, if jonni is optimistic about something like that it must be a good plan. i was encouraged having his stamp of approval. he asked what was in my big box, so i pulled out my galoshes to show him, immediately he raved at how great they were – he liked them very much. i told him i got a size 7 even though my one foot is a 7 1/2 and he said i should've got an 8. i desperately didn't want to go back into that snotty store, but 6'6" gruffy jonni came with me to exchange them and it went very smoothly. the people were much nicer. i feel like i should always take extremely tall intimidating men with me everywhere i go.

so here are my size 8 galoshes....

i'm glad i exchanged them. they're way comfier. they're super nice. the rubber is just clear that shows thru to patterned fabric on the other side. cool huh?

when i got home i was prepping to clean the maxi pad when my mom stopped by. i felt badly because my apartment was such a mess and kept apologizing, but she said she didn't mind. i kind of find that hard to believe because i know how much she enjoys having a tidy home, but she really didn't seem to mind so i'm trying to trust her sincerity. i think she was just happy to see me. i showed her my photos of the outdoor adventure and she was amazed and startled. she said she was glad that she didn't know about it in advance or she would've worried. i also showed her the lonely planet peru book i bought so that she could visualize why i wanted to go there, and was quite thrilled for me.

it's true... old habits DO die hard.

i take my twist with a shout.

pablo

well... it's high time i tell you about the major highlight of our trip to mexico :D matt, cas, david and i went on an outdoor adventure. it was totally awesome.

1) at noon we arrived at the vallarta adventures office where we boarded a boat with approximately 25 other people and rode across the bay for about 40 minutes. we were able to see all the resorts, old villarta, and all the surrounding mountains.

2) we got off the boat and into safari trucks in a group of 12. they were really cool trucks. we sat in the open back strapped in, holding on to handle straps that hung from the roof. we rode thru the back roads of mexico, passed little farms and stray mexican dogs for about 30 minutes.

3) then we arrived at our final destination. the guides were very energetic, funny and friendly, i liked them immediately. there were 5 of them, and all were very professional – except the one guy who kept hitting on cas and flirting with me, but he definitely knew how to do his job. we got on our harnesses and helmets, then were taken to mount some mules. we rode the mules up the side of a mountain for 45 minutes. they were sturdy and tired – it was their 6th trek that day.

4) then the excitement began ;) – i know, already it had been pretty fun. we went ziplining!! we were on a hike that involved about 9 ziplines and 3 rappelling drops. none of us had ever gone ziplining before. it was really awesome. some of the heights were (i can't recall exactly, and numbers aren't my strong suit, but i think it was something like) 290m high. cas had been really nervous beforehand because she's afraid of heights. after her first zipline she had a big rush of emotion – a mix of excitement, happiness, fear, etc – that she cried! it was awesome :D it WAS really exciting, and the view was phenomenal. i was a little uncomfortable jumping off the first time because it's so counter-intuitive even though one's safely strapped in, but for the most part i was fine. some of the lines were long and high, some short and steep.

5) the rappelling was fun, i'd done that before, but it'd been over a decade. david and i stood at the top as cas decended, it was funny to watch because she kept her eyes pointing up the whole time, as though they were functioning completely separately from the rest of her. the rocks were slippy because we were decending down a waterfall, and we landed in a pool of water at the bottom. from there we took another zipline right into a bigger pool of water and got completely soaked. my shoes still cough out little pebbles from that watering hole from time to time.

6) we marched on coming to a free-hanging bridge where we had to walk out one at a time, then rappelled straight down in mid-air. again my body felt reluctance to step off the edge, but it was very safe and i felt confident in the guide holding my rope.

7) as we hiked we came across several rope bridges and made our way thru the mexican forest. when we arrived back to the base camp we got changed out of our damp clothes (we'd brought a spare set and left them there), then ate the complimentary salsa.

8) we were the last trope of the day, and although usually the trekkers go back across the bay in the boat, we were taken thru the back roads and the city in the safari trucks. i much prefered that. we were able to really see a lot and take in the environment. it was awesome. it was fun because our guides were in another truck being driven home and we waved good-bye to them as they got dropped off at their homes.

it was really fun – a great day. i almost wish i'd had the chance to write this entry immediately after arriving back at the hotel because so much of it has been lost already. we bought the cd with all our photos on it, so that helps jog my memory. i've uploaded most of them onto flickr (click here), so take a look thru those for sure. i know it's cheesy, but a photo really does say a 1000 words.

she's a very special girl,
the kind of girl you want to know.
she's a super freak.

scarlet

i'm so excited! i just got home from hanging out with jill. she and i are going to PERU! we spent the evening planning and plotting. it was very fun. we're going to have a super fun time. we're going for two weeks, probably in july. we were originally planning on going in may, but we want to do the inca trail and all the tours are booked up. the peruvian government only allows 500 visitors entering the trail each day, and apparently people have to book three months in advance. so i have to email, gayle my travel agent, tomorrow to look into flights and check to see if she has any pre-booked passes into the trail, probably not but it's worth asking about. i'm super pumped. all the photos look beautiful. we had a good laugh at the 2-star hostels, but really aren't picky and are pretty flexible. however, we draw the line there – there will be no 1-star hostels for us, and those do exist. the hostels we found range from $6 to $36 a night. cool. it's going to be awesome :D

you might be wondering "why peru?". well... when i got thinking about going on vacation, i first thought of greece because i've always wanted to go there. but then i thought, maybe i should go to one of the continents that i've never been before, you know, fulfill part of that dream of mine. so then i thought of peru because i'd seen buddy's photos from his trip, and it looked breath-taking.

shan told me today that i'm a free spirit. i found that fascinating. she said i was made to be free and not stuck in a cubicle cage. she might be right. today i was so bored that i ached all over like i was heart-broken. i actually looked up boredom in wikipedia. i didn't realize that boredom was an emotional state, but it made total sense to me. totally explains why sometimes i feels like i'm dying inside. someday i might look back at the 6.5 years i spent working for a large international corporation in a 8 x 8 blue cube and wondered how i possibly lived thru it. sometimes i wonder that now.

you gave me these few words of advice;
don't let the idiots take you alive.

creep

his face reminds me of everything i fall short of.

i read a beautiful prose in the life of pi today. so eloquent and melancholy:
"without a driver this bus is lost. our lives are over. come aboard if your destination is oblivion–it should be the next stop. we can sit together. you can have the window seat, if you want. but it's a sad view." i love it, it's so beautiful and funny – the best kind of melodrama.

if living here's so damn easy
why does it all feel so hard?

deviate

i must say... i'm freaking addicted to graphic design. WOOT! since saturday i've been daydreaming about my website, and then today i got really thinking about colours and styles, so when i got home from work, while trying to make dinner before going to yoga class, i thru together the first draft. and it looks AWESOME! i was tempted to skip yoga to keep working on it. i fear i could turn into a designaholic, i'll have to develop strict rules about not obsessing and planning for non-design time. it makes me keenly aware that slowly over time my job has become less and less about design. i'll be glad to back in the design world. man, i really like the look of my future website. i almost want to show people, because i think you'll really like it, and then i'll be even more excited :D

i'm starting to get really hooked on the life of pi. i so love that i didn't read the back beforehand because i've been shocked by the turn of events in the last few chapters.

i accidentally ate meat the other day. it was 7:30ish in the van on the way to toronto. lyon had kindly made egg mcmuffins for us (not from mcdonalds, but what else can one call them?). i heard him say "i roasted the turkey myself" but i was half asleep and it didn't register until i was half finished the sandwich – "there's meat in this!" at first i didn't know what to do. i ended up just picking off the meat and finishing it. i wondered if there was some way of back-tracking on lent to somehow repair my misstep. but in the end decided it wasn't a big deal. it was an accident, and the whole principle behind lent is not about feeling guilty. God is gracious, and when i remembered that i felt must better. in truth i find it rather funny, like who accidentally eats meat.

a new girl in my yoga class complimented me on my hair today in the change room. i thought that was very nice, she's been wanting to get dreads for a while but keeps changing her mind, one minute she wants long curls, then she wants it short and pink, etc. at the end of our conversation she said "see you next week!" so maybe i'll make a friend in yoga class after all! afterwards i regreted not introducing myself, but i'm not accustomed to making friends in the change room so i wasn't thinking.

check this out. check it out. [right here] this was ME! it was successfully registered by ME!

i can see your undies.

havoc

yesterday i went to a conference in oakville with a crew of people from next. when i signed up i didn't realize it started at 8 am :S so the plan was to leave my place at 5:30 so we could be at brandon s.'s place for 5:45 and leave from there at 6. at 5:25 i finally got out of bed, walked to the washroom, then the doorbell rang. lyon and brendan were here already, and brenda arrived shortly there after (we traveled with one brenda, one brendan, and two brandons).

the day was good. i went to a great workshop about food and sex: the two appetites. very interesting.

i spent a lot of time talking with various people about my plans to start my own design business. al and i surveyed a few people to get their opinion of possible names. the one everyone liked the most was "saint dynamite". honestly, i was hesitant. i'm uncomfortable with the idea of potential clients discovering my blog when googling my design site. however, i had an overwhelming positive response and i think my final decision came when the last speaker talked in depth about the word "dynamite". her words rang loudly in my head, just as bren leaned over and said "this might be a sign". saint dynamite IS something i strongly associate with, it's a little unorthodox, and lends itself to visual creativity. so i spent some time this afternoon purchasing the domain name, and a hosting site. step one is now complete. i also sketched out a layout. i kind of wish i had a pool of designers to critique it like i did in college. i think i'm just doubting myself because i didn't expect a layout to be so easy, i think i underestimate my ability as a designer.

it was a bit of a trippy day yesterday because we left in the dark, then arrived home in the dark, and immediately got back into bed. i feel like i didn't get a saturday.

i don't see why something from so long ago – that was a big nothing – still comes around and bites me in the ass from time to time. it made me laugh though. it made me feel like i was famous, or possibly infamous.

what i fear the most is regret. actually, that's not true, i fear the possibility of regret. i fear that i'll regret leaving my job. i fear that'll regret staying at my job. i fear that i'll regret risking my current life to go overseas for a chunk of time into a situation that i might not like. i fear that i'll regret not having kids (i fear that more than i fear not having kids). i fear that i'll regret giving up the maxi pad in exchange of living with housemates (i've had two dreams in which that happened – it clearly even weighs on my subconscious). i fear that i'll regret being a live donor. i fear that i'll regret not being a live donor. i fear that i'll regret not actively looking for a husband. i fear that i'll regret putting myself thru the grossness of looking. i fear that i might regret – period. do i regret right now? i did, but now i don't. so maybe that's a good sign. it's scary to move from no regret into a phase of possible regrets. but i'd regret not making the bold gesture and entering that new era. i already feel proud of myself because i didn't know i had it in me.

you and i,
we've got a lot to be glad for.

tromboner

no time to talk.
must get ready for bed.
was at really great apple crisp music festival at next.
great venue for concerts.
great company.
great bands.

it was a lovely evening.
now i must go to sleep or i'll feel like throwing up in the morning.

i am an excellent steel horse,
i'm an unparalled lightning force,
and i'm gonna cross that line.

inkblot

i cut my thumb on the cheese slicer the other day while making a sandwich. it seemed like no big deal at first, until it started kind of gushing. once the blood clotted, i've found the cut is in a very inconvenient spot and is having difficultly healing. it's perpetually open like the two sides can't come together. it's sore.

this evening at storytellers we just sat around chatting instead of writing. it was fun. they are all undoubtedly good people.

if my heart could have thrown up this morning it would have.

i'd really like to know that i've still got it.

what would you think if i told you that i received stubble in the mail today. that's right, someone mailed me his stubble.

there are still moments when i see my tattoo and find it so completely remarkable. it's still so new and novel that i'm amazed by it's existence. i want for you to discover that black star. to slide your thumb over it ever so slightly. my wrist would seem tiny in your hand.

when your chips are down,
when your highs are low.

chronic

it feels like i pulled a muscle in my neck or something :S

there are moments like this one, where i wish i could just sit and listen. i feel a need to hear from other people. although, i'm not certain i'd be able to absorb any info at the moment. i feel pretty tired and ready for bed.

it seems as though winter has passed us by. i still think it'll snow in april, but it definitely seems as though the worst is behind us. it almost feels like we got off easy this year. although, i'm not complaining. i enjoyed my lunchtime walk, and walking home from the cas's place after the movies. i like the dark. walking in the dark. driving in the dark. it's almost hypnotic.

i have this feeling like my life is a smorgasbord right now. i'm feeling a little bit of everything. i kind of like it and kind of don't. i like the moments when i'm clearly defined. feeling everything at once can be confusing. i think i should really go to bed. i need some rest. sleep might reduce this feeling of sensory overload.

smiles.

i'm sick of spending these lonely nights training myself not to care.

plank

i talked to frank this afternoon about my latest happenings. he was sad for me, and said "you're just having one things after another". i told him that's pretty normal for me. i don't know why, that's just how it goes. for a while there i wondered if i subconsciously sought out drama, but i don't. these things just seem to happen. this one definitely was out of my control. i'm less anxious now that i was able to talk to my dad about it.

sometimes it feels like tragedy is always before us. i don't mean that in a really bleak kind of way, but it's just part of living. part of having loved ones. we always risk losing. and yet, it's only what we hold dearly that makes life worth living at all.

i got my taxes done this afternoon. my accountant is very amusing. he reminds me of an effeminate version of harold from the red green show.

we can't help but feel that something has been lost.

scared

what are words, that we can string them together with the power to change or destroy?

what is this moment, that i exist in it even though i know it's not stationary?

what is fairness, that we want it even when no one has every truly experienced it?

what is reality, that it is something we awaken to and can exist without our acknowledgment of it?

are some people's lives more dense with content than others? am i the only person who's life regularly changes on a dime? it's times like this that i learn the line of privacy in my life. this is not for public consumption. i don't even know what to say anyways.

he is my abraham. and i've been missing him almost my entire life.

if there's anything to say, if there's anything to do,
if there's any other way, i'll do anything for you.

elastic

i've been thinking a lot these days about the expression "none of my business". i just wonder at what point something is our business and when it's not. since our lives are so deeply connected (what we do affects those around us), i'm not sure if there are boundaries. and well, it seems people just use it as a cop-out. let me explain... when i was 18. i'd had a domestic dispute with my boyfriend outside his house after midnight in the winter. during the battery and abuse i'd managed to wrestle my way to the front door and ring the doorbell until his parents discovered what was going on. they came down and broke it up, then his dad drove me home because i was too much of an emotional wreck to drive. in the car home he said to me "i know this is none of my business, but perhaps you two need to take some time apart". what shocked me by that statement was if it was ANYTHING it was his business. his SON was destroying me and yet he didn't think it was his business. it was HIS SON, it was HIS responsibility to do something to stop that pattern of behaviour in his own child. (for the record, i tried to dump him the next day, but he wouldn't let me. i was pretty much trapped and sadly remained with him – on and off – for another 18 months or more). anyways, it just seems to me that when we have positive feedback people are more than willing to make their lives our business. and when we point our unhealthy behaviour we're told it's none of our business. or at other times, people claim something isn't their business because they're too cowardly to say what needs to be said.

it was a beautiful day out today, and i thoroughly enjoyed myself. this evening i watched who killed the electric car? i got out from the library, and finished knitting my wrist warmers. i spent a chunk of time searching the internet for design websites that i liked, and i have to admit, there's 80% crap out there. i'm also designing a logo for my dad for the good food box kingston. that's the kind of thing i'd usually shy away from because historically logos have pose the greatest challenge for me, but i'm viewing this as a portfolio opportunity and good practise.

this is the first time in about a decade (perhaps my whole life) that i feel excited about my future and actually think the road ahead is bright. i know i'll face a lot of questions – a lot of people will think i'm nuts to leave my stable corporate job for something that seems less successful, but i really don't care. i don't have to justify myself to anyone. besides, almost every unconventional decision i've ever made has been met with positivity and admiration once people get used to it.

one of my favourite sentences is "HERE I AM". that statement sucker punches me. gets me every time. it's beautiful. full of potiental. full of back-plot. full of possibility. here i am...

why do young lovers always think they're the first people to ever fall in love?

for all the happiness mankind can gain,
is not the pleasure, but in the rest from pain.

profound

bren and i walked home in the dark from a christianity and global development talk at queen's. she'd been the mediator. it was good. as we walked, we took in the smells of march and felt the cold on our faces. we were half-way to her house before she realized she'd forgotten her bike, so we turned back to fetch it. which meant it took twice as long to arrive at home. but it was nice, it gave us more time to chat. i concluded after going the remaining 100 meters to my house alone that the cold is less bearable without company.

keep fighting to remember that nothing is lost in the end.

finite

i decided today that i'm going to create a lesley mcknight graphic design website. i'm very excited about this. i've only done a little web design, and do quite a bit of web maintaining at work, and quite enjoy it. i think having a website to promote my designess will be a big asset. my plan is create something quirky yet elegant, funky yet professional. exciting. i'm encouraged by my ability to come up with plans. i don't always stick with them, i throw them to the wayside frequently but i'm comforted by having a vision for my future.

this is my 6 step plan:
1) go on an awesome vacation this summer
2) pay off my osap in december
3) quit my job, give up apartment, and go somewhere for a chunk of time (maybe 3 to 6 months)
4) when i get back, move in with friends for a stint of communal living
5) get a random job to pay my minimal bills until i can find a job as a graphic designer or get clientele for my own graphic design business
6) after living with friends for a year or so, move to wolfe island (which has been my plan for when i'm 32 for several years now)

actually, i almost feel that creating a professional website would make for a 7th step, but it would go first, so i guess it would be step one.

i'm a little anxious about whether or not i'll find someone to vacation with. seriously, if you have any friends who love to travel and are fun people, please have them call me. in the mean time, i'm going to start looking at trip options, and try not to freak-out.

this time change is killing me. it's really hard falling asleep at night, and even harder getting up in the morning.

i hate money coz it makes me numb.

unrequited

it has been a tumultuous day. emotion after emotion, bad news after bad news, difficult experience after difficult experience. i won't got into all the kicks in the crotch, i'll just tell you the main one. the knickers denied my request for a leave of absence. to say that i'm angry at her doesn't even begin to describe what i'm feeling. to say that i'm upset is an understatement. this trip to scotland was so much bigger to me than a time away from work. and she's a pinhead if she thinks it ends here. i told myself that if she let me go that i would stay with the company another 3 to 5 years, but if she said no, i would leave. so i've formed a makeshift plan for the next 18 months to 3 years of my life. it may not all come to fruition but at least i have hope that i'll some day get to do something other than be trapped in that cubicle.

the first step of my plan involves going somewhere awesome on vacation. i'm thinking either greece or peru. i asked beckie and melissa if they could come with me, but neither of them are able to commit to going, even though they'd love to. so i'm currently looking for a travel companion. i'm |this| close to asking josh if he'd want to go greece with me, but he probably wouldn't be able to get the time off at work. stupid jobs, they're ruining our lives! :p

i wish i had a funny story of tidbit to share with you this evening. but i guess it's not an amusing story kind of day. maybe tomorrow. there's always tomorrow.

i wish. i wish. i wish.

sometimes i wish i wasn't so resilient.

i got the green light,
i got a little fight,
i'm gonna turn this thing around.

woman

well... after an email conversation with rachel (and comments from the peanut gallery – jase), i'm having second thoughts about retiring my cuffs. good thing i have the freedom to do what i feel like, i can change my mind and so on. sometimes when i'm on the fence, i just need one voice telling me to do what i already wanted in order for me to pick a side.

i'm afraid he's going to ruin my life without even knowing it.

this evening i had a sandwich made with mayonaise that was 8 months past it's best before date. for some reason this gives me a sense of invincibility.

it's a crying shame that my hair always looks best right before bed.

sometimes i forget.
and then i'm reminded.
then i forget again.
then i'm reminded again.
then i forget AGAIN.
then i'm reminded AGAIN.

my body is borrowed
i got it on loan
for the time in between my mom and some maggots.

vending machine

i'm really enjoying the green bin that i found at my house when i arrived home from mexico. it's really great. i love how it has the small kitchen container with an easy-lift lid, and that it takes all food waste AND dirty kleenexes. so great! i'm very excited about this.

so.... i think i've arrived at the end of an era. the time has come to retire my black cuffs. i think. it's been 7 years since the first one adorned my wrist. i'm not ready to say that i'll never wear them again, but it's highly likely that i'll go without them most of the time for now on. oh my cuffs, we've had some good times. my old boyfriend matt used to call them my "knife guards" in case someone attacked me – he was very ghetto (even though he was from prince edward county). it probably goes without saying, but the departure of my cuffs feels like the loss of part of my identity. i have no idea what kind of image my cuffs create, they're so a part of me that i don't even notice them, but i'm sure they must create some kind of persona in other people's eyes. and in a way i'm sad to be seen as more "normal" than before. but at least i have my tattoo in my inner wrist so the left one isn't completely naked. to be honest... i thought i'd wear them forever. and there's part of me that wants to, but part of me doesn't. it's time, that's all.

this afternoon i lied on my couch in the sunlight with pekoe and fell asleep while reading. i'm not much of a napper, but my heavy eyelids were too much to fight and i conceeded. i would frequently wake up and feel like i should be doing my dishes, making a casserole to take to work with me (as i had planned to do), write my entry about our outdoor adventure, but i slept on. odd that i would feel guilty about resting on the day of rest.

i was listening to spinal tap on the cbc as i made lunch today, i didn't listen to the whole show, but the first several minutes were very thought provoking. basically he suggested that the invention of the word 'love' as stifled the english language. it's used so broadly that it doesn't really express what we're actually experiencing. and well, it got me wanting to try an experiment where i go two months without using the word 'love', instead i would say adore, enjoy, appreciate, value, cherish, trust, etc. upon thinking about it in a more pragmatic way i concluded that will be very difficult (when dealing with family members for example, it would be too much to explain why i was no longer saying "bye, love ya"). however, it has got me thinking, and i'd like to be more intentional at expressing what something means to me without using the word love. it will be a challenge for sure, but i think it would be valuable, AND probably help me identify WHY i love something or someone. because i adore him, because i admire her, because i enjoy them, because i appreciate that.

you have a pretty name,
pretty like your name.

guilty-pleasure

oh man, i better make this snappy. in tomorrow's time it's 11:42 and i want to get a decent night's sleep. i heard on the news that the loss of sleep from the time change will increase the risk of heart-attacks in the coming week. just a little known fact i'm passing along from me to you.

yesterday when i was at the Y i clipped my ipod to my belly-button. it was awesome :D then when i got home after the Y i discover my thumb ring was not on my thumb. i immediately gasped and yelled out "NOOOOOooooooo!" but got over it and went out today to purchase a new ring. the chances of it being found at the Y are slim. at first it was hard to find something i liked. i went to 4 stores before finding something suitable and reasonably priced. in the end i'm more pleased with my new ring then i was with my old one. it's more bulky. i'm finding the older i get the more bulky i like my accessories.

sometimes i stay at home by myself because i'm too shy to go out and socialize. it's "easier" to stay at home, but it's more enjoyable to have friends. ugh. i wish i was more courageous and didn't require coaxing. sometimes i think i'm too shy to live alone, that left to my own devices i'd just become a recluse. sometimes i suffer from fear of the unknown, or at least a fear of stepping out into the less familar. so instead i stayed home all weekend so far by myself and watched three movies – which i never do (watch that many movies in a 24-hour period). however, i have an interesting tidbit of information for you... believe it or not... both 'nacho libre' and 'the terminal' were based on true events. there really WAS a priest who became a luchador to support orphans, and there really was a man who lived in an airport (for 18 years) because he couldn't enter the country or leave it. anyways, it wasn't a very interesting weekend, but i remind myself that they can't all be exciting weekends and that's ok. the occassional dull relaxing one on a rainy day is nice. i just wish i hadn't eaten junk all day because i kind of feel like ass.

anyways, i should go to bed. it's after midnight in tomorrow's time. maybe tomorrow i'll write about our exciting outdoor adventure in mexico.

i know how things are.

to close, i'd like to share with you my favourite line from nacho libre. too funny...

i know the wrestlers get all the fancy ladies, and the clothes, and the free creams and lotions. but my life is good! really good! i get to wake up every morning, at 5am, and make some soup! it's the best. i love it. i get to lay in a bed, all by myself, all of my life! that's fantastic!

chew

on our first day in mexico, josh was mistaken as my husband. when he responded saying no we weren't honeymooners, the man said "just practicing?" and josh said "yes, just practicing". this started a running joke that we were lovers. the following day we were again mistaken as a couple. on the third day, david was assumed to be my husband which created a rivalry between the two boys. the challenge became who would be mistaken as my husband/partner/lover the most times. it was quite amusing. things especially escalated during our snorkeling excursion when people witnessed me cuddling with both of them. they appeared quite confused. we got a kick out of it.


i think i'm reaching a point where i'm no longer overwhelmed by people. spending a week straight with friends 24/7 was good for me. i think it broke down a barrier in my mind where i no longer see "alone time" as my only "down time". melissa came over for a visit tonight and it was such a pleasure to have her company. i appreciate that she worries about me, i'm not always very good at watching out for myself – i'm too rash.

lift me up
higher now

peso

david loved his scarf.

eggplant

reality hits hard and plays dirty. but it also underestimates me – i have more fight in me than it knows.

upon arriving at work today, i noticed all the flags were at half-mass. i went inside and asked "who died?" thinking it was a friend or family member of an employee (last time the flags were at half-mass it was because the son of a staff member had been killed in afghanistan). but no, it was this bubbly/friendly 35-year-old administrative assistant. she worked closely with carpooler paul. she died of a blood-clot in her lung on sunday.

this afternoon i approached the knickers about my desire to take a 2 month leave of absence. it did not go over very well at all, but i stood my ground, and eventually she said she'd think about it and we'd talk about it more. at one point she actually said her answer was no, but i kept pleading my case, and the conversation ended in smiles. if nothing else, i'm proud of myself of actually doing it. it proved to me how important to me it really is, and what i'm willing to endure when something matters. i knew it had to be done when i got back from mexico, but i didn't let myself think about it. i pulled a scarlett o'hara and kept telling myself "i won't think about that now, i'll think about it tomorrow". it worked pretty well, i didn't spend my whole vacation fretting about something beyond my control. i like the idea of forcing thoughts out of my head, i think i'll do that more, it helps me live in the moment better.

after grocery shopping this evening i went to the butlers to meet little tigerlily. that made me so happy :)

i miss mexico though. and thought a lot about it. romolo and silvia are still there :S that's like salt in my wound – just kidding. oh the lazy river... how i miss thee.

i just can't take it,
no i don't think i'll make it,
there's too much at stake and i can't abide.
no i just can't fake it,
know that my heart is aching,
it would be a mistake for the sake of my pride.

stories from the road...

david and i went into old villarta for a few hours of adventure. it was beautiful and very mexican. we wandered, we bartered, we ate gelato. when the time came to return to the grand mayan resort, we hailed a taxi and hopped in. the small streets were active and full of people. the cabbie manuvered easily, multi-tasking as he shuffled thru his playlist. david and i sat closely in the backseat, my arm propped against the door to brace me from flopping side to side. it was hot, but the open windows blew in a gentle breeze. we drove thru the roughest parts of the city with "bad boys" blaring thru the speakers. "bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do. whatcha gonna do when they come for you". palm trees, derelict houses, moutains, yellow taxi, warm body next to me. i was fully immersed in that moment. the sights, sounds, smells. it made me smile from deep inside. no place i'd rather be.

deuce

hola!!!

i'm home from mexico :D i don't even know where to start...

basically, the trip was... great beautiful affectionate bonding giggly perfect. i had a really awesome time. i totally love mexico. but not only that, i enjoyed the company of my friends a great deal. i was so thrilled that we all got along so well and our personalities mixed so nicely. i'd never met josh before, he's a long-time friend of david's, but we hit it off and were almost instant friends. although, i pretty much expected that since gay men and i get along like a house on fire. he's super funny and one night he made me laugh so hard that i threw-up.

we stayed at the grand mayan. it's a beautiful and luxurious resort in nuevo villarta. it was right on the ocean with amazing connecting pools. our suite had a kitchen which allowed us to cook most of our meals when we weren't eating out with the raponis (romolo and silvia). i have to admit, it took some time for me to get used to having some grown-ups around, but they're lovely and generous people, and i eventually felt quite comfortable with them. romolo likes to tease me just so he can see me blush. we really didn't spend that much time with them, they were staying at a different resort. we made some nice meals, and everyone was very accommodating to the fact that i gave up meat for lent. which was very kind and considerate of them.

for the first few days we lounged around by the pools, swam in the ocean, played frisbee on the beach, read books, got sunburns and drinks at the poolbar. very chilled.

on tuesday evening david and i ventured into old villarta for some exploring. it was quite handy that italian and spanish are so similar and he was able to communicate with them. i quickly fell in love with that town and was struck by the fact that i equally loved the resort, it made me torn on where i wanted to spend my time. i think i've loved every place that i've travelled to.

on wednesday, cas, matt, david and i got swedish massages, which was incredibly relaxing.

on thursday, we went to a mexican fiesta on the beach, it was a buffet and had mexican entertainment. it was pretty neat.

on friday, cas, matt, david, and i went on an outdoor adventure, while josh stayed at the grand mayan and ended up witnessing a sea-turtle lay eggs. very cool. i'll tell you more about the outdoor adventure later, it was very cool and a real highlight.

on saturday, we went into old villarta for lunch with the raponis at an italian restaurant, then ventured around town quite a bit. in the evening we swam in the pacific at sunset. the waves were super-strong, and the under-tow was equally so. cas and i were a little bit nervous about the boys swimming so far out. when cas and matt went back to the beach, david, josh and i went skinny dipping. the waves got even stronger and i swear skinning dipping in the ocean almost killed me. it was scary at times, and extra difficult because i was attempting to put my bikini back on. i managed to get a really sore sand-burn on my back from one of the waves that took me out.

on sunday, josh, david and i went on a snorkeling expedition while cas & matt enjoyed the last day by the pool.

we played board-games, laid in intertubes which swept us along the lazy river every day, ate trix, did crossword-puzzles, developed inside jokes.

this is probably my favourite photo of my 4 wonderful friends.

i've never felt so much like a beach bum in all my life. my hair was almost always wet, i'm quite tanned, and my freckles emerged in the sunlight within the first 24 hours. i almost don't want them to go away.

one thing i learned about myself while on this trip is that when i'm nervous, anxious, scared, or feeling vulnerable i need to be touched. don't get me wrong, i felt very safe in mexico (even though we regularly passed military men with machine guns), it was different stuff that i won't get into. anyways, it was interesting for me to realize this about myself, and now that i understand it, i can look back on my life and see times when i cuddled or placed my hand on someone simply for emotional-support.

i tried to upload photos onto facebook this afternoon several times, but it didn't work. i'll try again tomorrow. i'm excited for you all to see my photos. i was thinking that i didn't really take that many because i kept forgetting my camera in the room, but it turns out i have 98 pictures. haha. but i want to get everyone elses too because they got some really nice pix.

i'm a tiny bit worried that it'll be hard to go back to living alone after enjoying the company of friends for a week straight. but i'm going to try my best to connect with friends so that i don't feel lonely. i already went to bren's this afternoon, and i'm going to shannon's in 10 minutes. on the way home from bren's i was FREEZING, as i stood on the street corner i thought "i was in mexico yesterday". it's kind of sad, but mostly bittersweet. it was an amazing trip :)

the sun's so hot i forgot to go home.

glimpse

well... it only took me 4 hours but i FINALLY got finished packing. i really didn't expect it to take that long, but i'm pleased because i'm fairly on top of things. in order for me to be organized it requires a lot of lists. i really like scratching stuff off a to-do list. i actually feel so ahead of the game that i might end up sitting around for a few hours tomorrow waiting to hit the road.

i haven't much to say really, except i'm really happy to be going on a trip and very happy about traveling with friends. i love group bonding, or just friend bonding. basically, i love good company and enjoy connecting a great deal.

i'll be back on march 2. it's nice that i'm going to some place tropical and don't have to fear that a snowstorm will leave me stranded for 4 extra days :)

i wonder if sarah will have her baby while i'm away...

hey... do you remember the moment that you realized the refrigerator light did not stay on all the time? that it turned off when the door closed? i do. maybe that's not a discovery everyone has to make, maybe some people just instinctively know that, while others don't. interesting thought.

my brain and my tongue just met.

skeleton

shannon and i concluded tonight that it appears as though my dreads are loosening up and in some cases coming out of dread completely. so when i got home from our visit at the goat i got out my comb to backcombed and tie knots in each dread. in hindsight i haven't been as diligent at maintaining it as perhaps i should've been. i'm not used to having to style my hair. but it looks good, ironically it looks "dreadful" again :)

so i'm super excited because we're going to mexico on sunday, cas & matt and i are actually driving up to the GTA on saturday. i found out today that david's parents are coming to mexico with us. which is totally bizarre and kind of hilarious. they're not vacationing with us, but they'll be at the same resort and on the same flight. shannon and i joked about me sitting between mama and papa raponi in the limo/van on the way to the airport. i suppose if they're gonna be there i might as well embrace it. all adult-supervision aside, i think it's going to be an amazing trip. i've even been having a hard time concentrating at work these past few days because i'm so ready to go. it's going to be 33 degrees when we land in puerto villarta in 3 days :D a welcome change from the crappy weather i walked in at lunch-time today.

i realized something today. that not only am i someone who doesn't have her crap together, i'm also someone who doesn't WANT her crap together. i like to have my crap scattered all over the place – strewn everywhere. all the more reason not to be intimidated by people who appear to have it more together than me, because i like being disheveled.

if thats what it takes, then don't let it tear us apart
even if it breaks your heart.

duotang

i don't know how i expected to feel. nor do i know why i felt the way i did. or even if i can identify what i felt. all i know is that although it was impending, it still hit me in the face with the intensity of a belly-flop, and stung for several hours afterward.

i want to be more comfortable with my non-physical naked-self. i'm pretty comfortable with myself, but not when standing beside someone else. it's less about the other person than it is about me. no one compares me as much as i compare myself :S

always crashing to the ground,
always from the same height,
always falling down.

rather

errands overwhelm me. even being in the car while doing errands is unnerving. but i had some errands to run for my trip to mexico and i knew i'd feel more on top of things once getting that stuff done. so i made a list, braced myself, set out, and managed to do everything while remaining calm and chilled. and that makes me EXTRA pleased :) everything feels tackleable these days. i swear it's because i've gotten my house cleaned, everything's just a mole hill, and those don't scare me....

i bought this ipod wall-charger so i can charge my ipod while on trips. i'm excited about this, i think i'll probably use it a lot, maybe even keep it at work for when my charge gets low when i'm there.

i laughed when i read it. i laughed outloud with great mirth. but when my laughter stopped i felt nauseous. and heart-broken all over again.

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead
working for the man,
and generally i agree with them
trouble is you gotta have yourself
an alternate plan.

orange

i've had a beautiful and lovely day. i slept until 12:30, got out of bed at 1:15 and have enjoyed a day of reading a good book. it's been nice.

i got talking last night at living room about why i hate dating. it's terribly monotonous to have to tell the same life stories over and over again. to explain how i came to be here, what i do for a living, what makes me tick, repeatedly is so boring. and i hate doing it. even with guys i really like, it's incredibly dull, but i suppose that's because i would much rather hear about them. i realize that i don't have to indulge every detail, and i don't, but when you've dated as much as i have, even the basics are a nuisance to re-report. my dating life can be broken-down into two categories: pre and post. in the pre-years, i had many long-lasting serious relationships. in the post-years, i've had a series of crushes and near-misses. this might come as a surprise to you, but on average i meet 3 guys a year. last year i met 4 if you count my crush on yet another gay guy, 5 if you count that other guy. anyways... oh dear, i've forgotten what my point is, so i'll digress further; an average of 3 a year probably seems high coming from a girl who can be quoted with saying "there are no men" – usually i find them unsuitable, or they find me unsuitable, or like in one case, we both found each other unsuitable. i guess what i'm saying is, that i don't want to invest myself in men who aren't going to be around, to tell them my story only have to tell it again to someone else. i enjoy my friendships, and the community i have the pleasure of being a part of. and hope i will continue to delight in meeting new people, even when i'm old and full of days.

i could use more guy friends though, but not if it's going to be complicated. boys are fun, sometimes much funner than girls, and i miss that from the pre-days. that being said, just i'll go back to reading my book and think about how i wish i had a guy friend like don miller. i think someone like that would be real value added.

i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome,
alone in my way.

playlist

i've heard it said that there are two kinds of people in the world. 1) the "i must do something about this" person, and 2) the "why isn't anyone doing anything about this" person. i remember being at an airport once, and a piece of luggage got caught on the conveyor belt, and we all stood around waiting for the closest person to move it. something had to be done, but clearly the closest person was not a "i must do something...." person. eventually, after everyone stood around looking at the closest guy, and it appeared as though no one else was going to do anything, he finally walked over and dislodged the suitcase. there are some people who are definitely doers, and other people who definitely hold-back waiting for the doers. it's not bad to be a waiter, if everyone was a doer a lot of conflict would arise. i'm both a doer and a waiter. when i'm with a more dominant person, i'm content to go along with them. and when i'm with someone who's more inclined to watch or wait, i'm fairly comfortable making an action plan, but it's not my first instinct. i remember being in NYC with melody when we were 20. she'd lived there before and was pretty familiar with the subway system etc. but she's also a strong personality, and i loved being with her because she'd just boss me around and i was content to go along with her. another person who's like that is sarah, she says "do this!" and i say "OK!". i get by fairly well on my own without direction, i take initiative and get stuff done, but sometimes i get tired and just want someone to come up with a game plan. there are other times when i repeatedly go along with one person or another, that i begin to feel that my compliant nature is working against me. that the other person has stopped considering my feelings or opinions because i've been so accommodating, then i begin to feel resentful and hurt. i'm currently in the process of trying to figure out how to assert myself before reaching the state when i begin to feel bulldozed. while living in toronto, i learned a philosophy from my housemate that i should let go of the things that didn't matter to me so i could fight for the things that did. it was a valuable lesson to learn, and i live true to it. the problem i've discovered is that very little of the details are worth fighting for, but being compliant has lead to me unequal relationships where i'm left feeling small. it's all my perception, no one is actually thinking i'm less important than they are, but if making myself heard makes me feel like a more active participant then i need to live louder. it quenches who i am to live so passively.

honey's been eating well, and behaving more like her normal self. i'm hoping she'll soon gain back some weight i'll be able to determine what the problem was. i'm suspicious that she just can't eat the hard-food for whatever reason and as a result hasn't been eating, and therefore starving. there's no doubt in my mind she was on her way to dying, so i'm also relieved that i came up with a solution, and that i have the smarts to problem-solve.

i hate it when you keep secrets from me. let's never do that again.

the best part of days-off is knowing the night before that i don't have to go to work the next day. simply knowing that makes me feel SO much more free. liberated.

everything i love is ugly
i mean really, you would be amazed.

do not use this product as a toy, pillow or floation device.

i got my bikini-line waxed this afternoon. it was fun! well... at least funny. the lady took me into a room and told me to lie down on the table, then left. i wasn't sure what to do or if i should remove my pants, so i just lied down. several minutes later she returned and told me to move right up to the top, then pulled this light/magnifying glass down towards my face. i wasn't sure what was going on, but i'd never had my bikini waxed before, so was being compliant. thankfully, at that point she said "so... we're just fixing up your eyebrows a little?" and i said "no... i'm getting my bikini waxed". she said "OH! well then. you're in the wrong room" then took me down the hall. i was relieved that i had not removed my pants like i had considered doing, that would've been super awkward. when i finally was in the right place, the waxing went smoothly. it didn't really hurt very much. it just stung for a second or two, then it was fine. she was fast. all in all my first waxing experience was un-tramatic and i would do it again.

there's something wrong with honey. she's very sick and quite likely dying if she doesn't start eating again. i was cuddling her last night and found she was smaller than usual, when i put her down i petted her back and discovered she's all skin & bones. i hadn't noticed she'd lost weight, but her back is all jaggy spine. throughout the day i've been trying to feed her wet food, but she just licks at it, i couldn't get her to drink any water, but she is now so that's good. i'm scared and upset. i feel frustrated and sad, she's only two. i will feel angry if she dies. i don't understand why my life has to contain such things so frequently. why can't i just be a regular person who has one pet for 10 years. but i guess it's just the way it goes, and isn't some kind of curse or pattern. and i shouldn't frame my circumstances that way. basically... i don't want her to die or be very sick. i want her to get better, to just be better. pekoe's fine, and a little oblivious that she's not well and keeps picking on her. i hope things take a turn for the better or i'll have to take her to the vet on tuesday. i'm going to mexico in a week, and i'd hate to leave my dad responsible for a sick kitty. he's already had several fish die on him when he's been pet-sitting them, he would be very upset if anything happened to the little missy under his care.

squint your eyes and look closer,
i'm not between you and your ambition.

-------------------------------------------------
adendum: i blended up some wet food (because she finds chunks hard to chew) and honey's been eating it for about 20 minutes straight! i'm encouraged by this act of vigor and interest in food.

box

i've been thinking a lot lately about all that's outside of my control. and basically i concluded that pretty much included everything. it probably goes without saying that that bothers me. gen encouraged me to find one thing that i can change and i did. i abandoned my plans for this evening so that i could tackle the mess of home i reside in. which meant i didn't go to the Y. david asked me "can't you go to the Y and clean your house?" and the simple answer is "no". it's unfortunate, and also a little pathetic that even though i spent the entire evening working on the maxipad i still only got half-done. HOWEVER, it was a crucial half. i found a shelf unit in my storage space that i fixed up and placed in the kitchen and moved the dishwasher out of there. it looks great, and i feel like i've drastically increase my kitchen real-estate. i'm gonna post a picture so i have someone to share this achievement with (i don't have people over very often...). oh my goodness, i can't even express what a relief it is to me to have that room cleaned up. AND i got my clothes back from the laundomat, AND i put out the garbage. so i'm doing ok. i fall down a lot, but i usually get up again pretty quickly because i don't want to take life lying down, so i keep trying. i like to consider myself resilient, it sounds more sustainable. it'll still be a few more days before i'm thru this pms episode, but at least i'm taking back the power. i really need to work hard at staying on top of things.

AND i bought a new book today. when i walked out of the church book room i realized that i'd gone and picked a book independent from my book suggestion list – they're all great suggestions and i look forward to reading them. thanks for your help! but i just really needed to read some donald miller. i would've liked a chance to read it tonight, but i didn't have time. however, if i log-off right now, i might be able to squeeze in a few minutes.

i know that there's no grand plan here,
this is just the way it goes.

hostage

this evening bren and i went to see the reader. as per usual we had no idea what it was about. we both loved it. it was a beautiful film. so lovely. truly beautiful. it's so satisfying to see a great movie.

i decided today that i will never own a white, grey, or blue-grey colour car (like the erbs' – even though it's a really nice colour) because they are impossible to see in the fog. and sometimes girls in red crvs accidentally back into them in parking lots. i was so upset and my heart was racing. then i felt angry and i remembered when rach equated anger with guilt the other day, and i totally agreed. there was no damage though, so it's ok. PHEW!

sometimes believing in God feels like being in a dysfunctional marriage. other times it's like a honeymoon.

i'm pmsing right now. i need to take extra care of myself because i'm super fragile. one of these days i might get up the energy to clean my apartment. then peace will reign supreme in my head and home. one of these days. but not this day. i need to get some rest.

during my lunch time walk "talk" the thin white duke remix of the coldplay song came on my ipod. it was a perfect reflection of how i'm feeling right now.

just because i'm losing doesn't mean i'm lost.

power

i think that there's something broken inside of me.

i feel just like i'm some great big disease.

sanctuary

guess what i found out today? i have a learning disability. i won't go into how i discovered this, but dave young explained that being dyslexic with numbers is called dyscalculia. he has it too and pieced it together when i said i get things like 78 and 87 confused. other symptoms include difficulty mentally estimating the measurement of distance or an object. inability to comprehend financial planning, and difficulty with conceptualizing time and judging the passing of time. there are other things i don't have, but those ones are definite challenges for me. i have to tell you, it's a relief to find this out. when i was a kid i was tested for learning disabilities, but the results were inconclusive. and it turns out that this dyscalculia is rare, so i imagine quite uncommonly diagnosed. it's such a relief to realize that i'm not just stupid. in light of this, i won't use it as an excuse for bad behaviour – lateness or whatever. instead, it will help me understand that i must live in the world a little differently. i'll have to be more careful when i try to estimate how long a task will take – i'd already caught-on to the fact that i'm poor at time management, but this gives me incentive to try to find ways of coping with it better.

i chatted with this old lady at special meals today. it was really nice. she had interesting stories, and it made me imagine what it will be like to be old. oddly enough, she was probably the first elderly person i've talked to in YEARS. i last saw my grandma in 2005, she lived in the UK and other than her, i haven't had many elderly people in my life. i wanted to hear all her stories. find out how her life has been. i look forward to hearing about the lives of my old lady friends when i'm an old lady. there was a man there who comes on a regular basis who has thick dreads (he's probably in his 40s or something), he's super nice. andrew thought he noticed my hair right away and that it made him like me more than the others. people are fascinating. sometimes i wish there wasn't so much politics and we could all just know each other. life would be so much easier.

al suggested i give melissa up for lent. he figured i should give up something that would be hard to live without. she didn't quite jive with his logic because it would mean she'd have to give me up too.

when you lose something you cannot replace.

volcanos

i was listening to GO on cbc this morning. it was all about books. contest nanna came on and started talking about canada writes. i'd heard of it before, i'd even possibly been to the website because i knew there was a blog category, but all of a sudden i felt like i should submit something. i DO have a blog and all. so at first i hunted thru my archives looking for something suitable. when i did, i made some modifications, then went to submit it, but quickly discovered they will not accept entries that have previously published online. SO i had to write something fresh. it turned out to be relatively easy, i had some fresh material. last night i went on a roadtrip to peterborough with al & bren. why, you ask? well... aside from the pleasure of their company we were going to meet up with a few guys to talk about hatch, and it's future. the meeting went well and was also pretty fun. unfortunately... i can't really divulge much about it because i already sent a 200 word piece to canada writes. i have to admit, i think it's pretty solid. a gem of a blog entry. i sent it to bren and she too really liked it. i don't particularly expect to qualify, but obviously that would be pretty rad. i'm sure there's loads of stiff competition. BUT it's yet another thing i've never done before, and that makes me happy. it's also kind of neat submitting something for official review.

those bright shiny lights,
they be shining so bright.
they’re casting a shadow
on all the simple things you used to own.
they’re casting a shadow,
what a sorrowful sight.

fixated

i'm cold. i'm cold. i'm so cold.

tonight's episode of grey's implied that not getting hugged enough increases stress. no wonder i have anxiety problems.

last night we had the hatch folding party and got them all done. it's pretty remarkable considering this time last week the layout wasn't complete yet. i took them all to work with me, and at the end of the day i stayed to trim them all on our guillotine machine. i didn't get out of there until 7:20. i was exhausted. i'm always amazed at how long things like that take. i don't mind doing it, but i was just too tired to go to the Y which means my work-out schedule for the week was a failure. anyways, the knickers noticed me with the box of hatches, and when she saw them she seemed excited that we'd done another one. she'd asked me for one last time but never commented on it so i didn't know what she thought. but seeing the new edition seemed to trig her memory and she told me that my piece last time was really good. i offered her a copy of this edition and she took it gladly! she told me "maybe i'll have to get you to start writing the brochures!" that would never happen, but it was quite a nice compliment. when i got home i was so pooped that i loafed on the couch and watched "big bang theory" for the first time. i quite liked it.

sometimes seeing those pictures makes my heart contract. they squeeze my heart and make me hurt a little.

i love that i'm finally learning to use a filter. relieved really. it's unfortunate that i learn the hard way, and that it's my cynicism that keeps me from opening my yap instead of good sense.

it's garbage night, but it's too freaking cold to put out the trash. so yet another week will go by with my garbage can and recycling overflowing.

i feel like such a freak.

i'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do
i'm not saying that i'm a saint
i just don't want to live that way

sophisticated

so it seems that francisco has skipped town without buying me lunch. "conveniently" he was "spontaneously" sent to mexico on business. i was told he was cheap, but that seems a little extreme. i'll have go nab him before i go on vacation, i will collect on my prize.

a couple weeks ago at living room our ice breaker question was "what do you own that you wish you didn't?" my item was my dishwasher. it doesn't work as well as i'd like, and therefore i never use it. it's a counter-top dishwasher taking up space and is often mistaken for a large microwave. jonathan asked me why i don't just get rid of it, which has got me wondering why i don't. and have thus decided to put it into storage, BUT not until i find something to replace it in the kitchen. i use it as another surface top and keep things on it. so i've decided to find some kind of thin book shelf (probably about 6 to 8 inches in depth, but about 3 to 4 ft wide) to use as a substitute. preferably something wooden. yes, i think that will look quite nice.

and i wanna fly,
and never come down,
and live my life,
and have friends around.

caspian

well... knickers' first reaction to my hair was "ewwww, i would NOT want to put my fingers thru your hair". but then later in the day she had all kinds of questions and didn't seem as disgusted. so i think my dreads are growing on her. tomorrow i'll wear it down so they can get a better look – i had it up in a ponytail to be more subtle. frank pointed them out with a twinkle in his eye, i think he found them amusing at the very least. for the most part, no one commented at all, i'm somewhat convinced most of the men didn't even notice there was something different about me. i'm relieved it seems to be such a non-issue, and it makes me even more glad that i decided to do it.

oddly enough, i won the superbowl pool at work :S i know. it's totally weird, especially since i didn't and have never watched a game. but i got a little bit of help from dave b – he gave an almost perfect prediction which won me a free lunch with francisco. i almost feel guilty for taking first place when all i did was have the smarts to ask someone intelligent. however, i'll enjoy the victory as it doesn't happen very often, and i'm sure i'll enjoy my free lunch too. i'm not one to turn down free food.

i got an email from helen today telling me that they miss me because there's no one with my unique brand of spunk and groundedness in TO. i thought that was nice. kind words are like oil in my lamp. i miss t&h too, i'm gonna have to figure out a way to visit them, i next to never go to toronto, but that's probably just because i'm lazy or poor at planning without purpose.

you taste so sweet
when you are so free.

toothy

despite what we thought, you actually made an impression on me. a greater one than we realized. i can feel it in your absence – like a hand-print in wet cement.

i'm slowly adjusting to my dreadlocks. i think they're a bigger adjustment for me than they are for the people who have to look at me. i'm accustomed to seeing myself with very smooth and silky hair, this new do is quite foreign. but i like it, i like the different ways of wearing it. right now it's pulled back into a high ponytail, and i must admit it really does suit me – even more than my natural hair-style. i don't expect it will be an easy sell at work tomorrow, my job was the biggest barrier for me to overcome in my decision to get dreads. but i've gotten over it, it's just the initial reaction that i'm dreading (haha, dreading). my family i'm not concerned about, they're less opinionated and know me better. my dad told me the other day that he approached a woman at the library and said "by any chance are you an artist?" and she said "as a matter of fact, i am! why do you ask?" he told her "you look like an artist. my daughter is the same way". i don't expect my workplace to find it as charming. BUT they might surprise me. i know the most significant misconception (hygiene) will be an important one to clear up. so let me tell you also, yes i will continue to wash my hair as regularly as before, i just have to use a different kind of shampoo and no conditioner. the shampoo is cool, it's just a bar and i rub it all over my head, i like it a lot. so far reception to my hair has been very positive, but i'm sure all those who hate it just keep their mouths shut. hopefully my colleagues will have the same sense to remain silent.

oddly enough, the more time passes the more it feels like that never happened. it was just a dream.

there's a lot i want to say. but am finding they are things reserved for one person and not for everyone. sometimes we don't get the opportunity.

celebrate your dreams when you are away.