grass

the drive into work this morning was lovely. indeed a winter wonderland. the snow shimmered on the mounds and fields. i drove behind this really terrible driver. it was pretty funny. clearly they were not from kingston, because the drove on the soft-shoulder on taylor-kidd instead of on the road. the snow plow had cleared the shoulder, and it seems the driver thought it was a lane. so there were 3 of us driving on the road, and one car driving on the curb.

well, this is week two of b working full time and nights, and so far it's working out pretty well. he's more tired this week than last, but other than that it's good. my separation anxiety seems to be improving. perhaps it was that i was rarely alone anymore that it felt weird, and so now that i'm getting used to it again i'm more comfortable.

i've developed a dislike for sarcasm - a sensitivity to the sting of a bitter jibe. if the person is clearly joking or counters the comment immediately i'm totally ok with it, because i do have a sense of humour. but in general i find sarcasm just mean-spirited, and don't like it. it hurts my feelings, and i can't understand why someone would purposely be hurtful. a lot of people hide behind the guise of sarcasm, but it doesn't make their cruelty ok. they joke but they actually mean what they say. i find it especially hard to swallow when i'm saying something serious or important to me, and i get interrupted with petty comments. i guess i just feel that at 31, i don't appreciate bullying, and see it as such. it seems low-brow and unclever. if the person had to be clever and funny that would be much harder. teasing is different. i like teasing, teasing i can handle, and think it's fun :)

still the searcher must ride the dark horse.

unknown

my goodness, i'm happy :)

i got to work from home today because of the weather. i realize it didn't turn out to be the big blizzard they were calling for. but when you work out in millhaven, even regular snow storms are hard to drive thru.

so i played it safe and had an uber productive day around the pad-office. i even started early! i got up, ate my breakfast, heard news reports to stay at home unless you have to, then hopped on my computer to let my boss and colleagues know my plan. and i've been working ever since! i haven't even gotten out of my pajamas! the downside was that i was working on the computer with the light on in our bedroom while brendan was trying to sleep. so i lent him my eye-mask to block out the light and he slept no problem. it was kind of cute actually. in a way i feel i was more productive than usual. when i'm at work i want the world outside my cubicle, but working from home gave me the outside world so i was happy to just plug along on work stuff :) i probably wouldn't like working from home every day, but having some variety would be nice.

i'm feeling better, less overwhelmed and/or socially congested than i was yesterday. i'm taking steps to limit my relationships, even if just little steps... like declining hangout invitations because i know i can't invest in a new (or in some cases old) friendship. it's not really fair to anyone. so this is good. i'm not subject to external demands, i can navigate relationships myself. which is a relief.

josh, garry and i planned the next AGM last night. i'm kind of looking forward to it - we're playing a next version of what time is it mister wolf. i suggested that whoever garry catches becomes the new board members, and the first person he catches will be the new treasurer :p but we probably can't do that :S tonight is my last board meeting. 3 years has flown by. seriously. it's hard to believe my tenure is over. thinking back to my first board meeting i had no idea where my life was taking me or what might have changed by the time i was done. i have to admit, very little has changed, and yet a lot at the same time.

i didn't listen to any music at all today. it feels like it's been opposite day or something. i'm gonna go get dressed now, the work day is done :D

the twists and turns of plots that turned us from friends to lovers.

hotline

when i lived in toronto, i sat in traffic congestion regularly. on occassion i'd be stuck on the 401 for a chunk of time. after a while i concluded that if everyone just drove faster we could all move along at a good pace. but eventually i realized that it wasn't the speed, but instead the volume. there were too many cars on the road, and it resulted in gridlock.

i'm feeling socially gridlocked. after spending some time trying to figure out my week, when i'm available and when i'm not, i've started to feel very overwhelmed. i got thinking about those cars in TO that fill the streets to the point of standstill, and finally admitted what the problem is. i have too many friends. i'm not ungrateful. i'm extremely fortunate and blessed to have my life full of fantastic people. people i really connect with and enjoy. but that does not change the reality that i have more relationships than i'm capable of juggling.

out of curiousity i did a search online to see what's a reasonable number of friends, and found a very interesting article. it said the ideal number of close friends (inner core) is 5, with about 10 more acquaintences on top of that. at first i thought i was on par. i used to have 5 in my inner circle. but upon recount i have 8 or 9, and then other friends on top of that, and regular acquaintences too. no wonder i feel overwhelmed. i'm not saying i want to cut out some of my friendships. not at all. i guess i'm just saying that i don't really know what to do. for a while now i've thought that it's because i work a 40 hour week that i'm short on time, but really it's that i have too much on the go. too many cars on the road.

i think it's in my best interest and in the best interest of the people around me that i invest more in fewer people, instead of invest less in more people.

i'm finding myself craving a clean slate. something similar to my christmas vacation when i have no commitments and no appointments. in two weeks i will be officially finished on the next church board. after that i may take a month off from everything (save living room because i lead that and can't skip out).

i'm sorry if i've been less available. it's not actually because of brendan or my change from single to relationship. but rather that my life has become overly saturated and it's more than i can handle. i'm too introverted for my environment and can't rise to the challenge. it's really not anyone's fault (in case you were wondering if you were part of the problem), except maybe mine or my blog. *sigh*

i feel so ridiculous. there are a lot of people in the world who are lonely and in want of a good friend. and here i am expressing that i have an over-abundance. i have both quality and quantity. i am a very lucky person, i don't deny that.

well i don't know where this leave me, other than trying to see the forest for the trees.

 

it don't matter to me,
as long as we can live in harmony.

wool

i started watching the cult classic freaks and geeks last night. i remember when it first came out but didn't ever catch it. i've always wondered how they could feature two people groups as they do. i'm not in love with it, but it's ok. it's something to watch while i eat dinner and after dinner when i'm knitting.

today is the alzhiemer's break fundraiser at work. people bake then leave their baked goods at the coffee station and consumers donate in return. i'm going to exercise some self-control today. i realize that it's easier to diet when you don't deprive yourself, but i honestly don't want any baked goods today. that being said i'm in danger of caving if i make eye contact. i may try to avoid the coffee station all day. i've lost yet another pound. which means i lost 5 pounds in one month :) yay! making progress FINALLY!

sometimes when i get a lot of sleep i end up feeling more sleepy and lethargic. it's hard to know if i'm sleeply because i'm sleep deprived or if my body has mistaken my weekend sleep-in as hibernation.

i wish my cubicle neighbours would learn to keep their thoughts inside their heads. i really don't need to hear about her sinus headache. if you're going to talk to yourself, then please whisper.

i'm pretty happy it's february. there's a long weekend this month and we're going to go visit beck in q-city. and one winter month is now behind us. AND it means that we're going to ireland NEXT MONTH!! my new passport arrived in the mail on friday. which means i'm now internationally lorimer. i like my new passport photo, although i felt a bit weird after brendan looked at it and said "don't worry les, everyone has a bad passport photo at some point". i felt weird about that because i DIDN'T think it was a bad photo :S i don't look noticablly 5 years older than the last one. mostly my hair is different and my skin looks softer. i got carded at the mansion on saturday night and i didn't have my id with me. i was pretty pissed because i didn't want to have to walk home and get it so i told the guy "i don't have it with me, but i'm seriously 31". he didn't bother me after that. brendan said "only a 31 year old would say that".

 

i'm so lost,
and i live just around the corner.

remote

friday evening i went to the hot-tubbing at the radisson with shanno. it was great until afterwards when i made the mistake of forgetting to take off my bathing suit bottoms. i realized when i was fully dress, with boots and coat on. needless i say i was very annoyed at myself :S i had to wear my wet bottoms outside for much longer than i would've liked.

i've been suffering a lot lately from anxiety in various forms. i feel fragile and vulnerable. it's funny how uncertainty about the future doesn't really disappear, it only changes with your circumstances. i want to believe that everything will be ok. right now i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place - uncertain about moving forward, and reluctant to stay put. 

in a way i think there's something lovely about not getting a lot of say in how life unfolds. i'm not convinced of my decision making ability. i make decisions about the future as though the circumstances will be the same as they are right now - which they won't be. in some ways they'll be better, other ways they'll be more challenging. i've never been a fan of uncertainty. my biggest apprehension is that i don't want to regret anything. i strive for that on a regular basis - no regrets. i actually think so far i'm succeeding, so i suppose i should take comfort in that. hmph. me and b, we're still on the shore, wondering if it's going to be cold in the water. they say it's warm once you get used to it. i guess i just need to be brave and dive right in.

one of the downsides to having a housemate is not getting your voicemail messages. 

i think i need forgiveness,
i think i need more than the rest.

explode

i've always been crudy with sewing machines. which i feel disappointed about. as a teen i took a sewing class in highschool with great hopes of becoming a skilled seamstress who makes her own awesome clothes. i got a really bad grade. i break sewing machines. without fail everytime i touch them i break them. however... jill and rach are telling me that it's just a question of practise. SO i'm now working up the courage to buy a used sewing machine when i come into some money. i'll have to start small. many just practice sewing lines and boxes. make a pillowcase, then maybe some boxer shorts. i'm afraid of getting my hopes up because they've been dashed before. it's so bizarre because i can confidently handle any power-tool that comes my way, but cower in defeat when faced with a sewing machine. i hope to conquer this skill and make it part of my repertoire.

it seems i've been bit with the house-buying bug. i'm no longer sending b job posting and i'm instead send him house ads. i can't really decide how serious i am about buying a home. i'm flirting with the idea although not ready to commit (which is good because brendan is not interested in the slightest - which is fair, he did move twice last year). i guess you could say i'm playing the field. the advantage to this is that we can wait til one pops up in the right area, with the right price, and the right amenities.

how you ever found that an album, although quality and listening pleasure, just doesn't jive with you because of your phase in life? that's remarkable to me. i like how music kind of shape-shifts and becomes more accessable at different times in our lives.

all covered in snow and mildly cold tonight.

universe

i don't usually like wearing wool. except for very cold days. unless i need the wool for warmth it itches me like crazy. the last 3 days i've worn sweaters, and when i put them on i wondered if it was such a good idea. but once i got out of my sauna of an apartment and into the cold outdoors then into my chilly office i didn't feel the itch at all.

b and i have managed to avoid shoveling the driveway this season because of our 4-wheel-drive small suv. until this morning we had this massive mound of snow and ice at the end of our driveway that we'd sometimes get "stuck" on in the car (stuck like a fat cow jumping over the moon - slow but still succeeding). but just as i predicted the snow sucking machine came by early early this morning and cleared the whole bank away. if you've never seen this mythical snow machine let me describe it to you... it's like a really massive wood chipper combined with a vacuum cleaner. it sucks the snow up and then spits it out at the top into the back of a dumptruck. it is quite the sight to behold. it's usually a six truck endeavor. i can think of 2 or 3 little boys who would be on cloud-nine if they saw the whole thing in action.

 

sometimes i'm right, but i can be wrong.

linoleum floor

the summer i was 19 i used to write you letters. emails actually. they were long and i typed well into the night. my mom was unsettled by how much time i was spending on the internet, i never told her what i was doing. my emails were often too long for your attention span and you wouldn't read them in their entirety. looking back i know that you reading them wasn't really the point. they were my salad days - before blogs or facebook. but my letters were a prelude to this. they are where i learned that i could articulate myself, that it gave me great pleasure and helped me uncover my innermost being. you are welcome, as always, to read what i'm writing.

the girls hate goat cheese. they speak about it with such distain that it translated into my mind as something as exclusive as blue cheese. when i finally had an opportunity for a taste test i took it and was very delighted by the soft and goaty cheese. i eat it almost every day now. i've started taking salad's to work instead of leftovers. i'm trying to mix it up, a little bit of variety so i don't grow sick of salad and repulsed by them. at the moment my favourite is baby spinache, blue berries and goat cheese with balsamic vingar. it's very possible that my new lunch routine is my favourite bit about 2011 so far.

 

in the quiet of the evening, when he was not home, i read.

 

through the window we watch the snow.

uncurl

the nuclear family is a term and concept that emerged in the 1940s, and is something that really disturbs me. it's this notion of "this is what a family is supposed to be, what it's suppose to look like, what's acceptable". since then, the family unit has changed dramatically so that very few people actually live within a nuclear family.

when i was 10 years old, my family no longer fit that box. when i was 21 i moved out on my own as a single independent woman, and didn't fit that box either. in my late-20s i still did not fit that description, and at many times felt like a freak. even now, i wouldn't say i'm part of a nuclear family. i'm not suggesting that the nuclear family is a bad thing, but rather it's not an accurate reflection of society as it exists. i'd really like to submit a motion to elminate the nuclear family as the golden calf of society.

i believe in community. i believe that friends and neighbours, church families and extended families are key to living fully and richly. there's no one way that that should look or function, but being immersed in community is essential to balanced living. to know and be known is one of the greatest experiences in life, and the nuclear family is not the only place that can exist. in fact, many nuclear families have no sense of comradery or accountability at all.

i do want for brendan and i to be a two-parent family some day. i think that's great and the ideal way to parent. but there is richness in having grandparents, aunts and uncles in the picture too. to having adult-friends for kids to bond with, and neighbours to engage with. i'm looking forward to the deep and meaningful life-long friendships :)

 

it's been a long long winter,
don't remember them this cold.

chalkboard

every year i LOVE (LOVE LOVE) to go to the banff film festival world tour's stop in k-town. i feel really pumped and inspired by that event. last year we had to miss out because we went to toronto to see rock plaza central, and we made a deal that we'd definitely go this year. sadly... we left it too late to get tickets and i missed it again. disappointing. well actually, it was slightly more complicated that that. when b went to get the tickets there was only one left. so he bought one for me. so i had the tough call of deciding to go sans brendan or miss out.

tomorrow brendan starts a new job. he got a job at startek so he can save up for college. he has training for the next 3 months between 1-9pm. which means i won't really get to see him in the evenings except for right before bed. so i decided to stay home from the film festival this weekend in order to spend time with him when i have the chance. the upside to this was that it saved us 30 bux.

since we were missing the festival, and we're short on money, i borrowed the first 3 twilight movies from my coworker and made our own film festival. it was fun, although b was a bit of a downer about it. it was supposed to be a silly and ridiculous event. i have to admit, by the third film (although i felt it had the strongest plot) i was sick to death of kristen stewart. she may single-handedly ruin that movie franchise for me. she's just so dull, as brendan pointed out she even makes accepting a proposal boring.

one of the highlights of my weekend is that i got an email from matt. it makes me happy to think of us renewing our friendship. he's very much like a brother to me. i'm glad to see that he's turning into a staple in my life. one who disappears for years on end, but always resurfaces. i've missed him.

i got eyes that can see through fantasy.

ticket

so guess what?? i found my missing pencil :S

someone didn't walk away with it after all. i don't know where it was hiding but yesterday i suddenly found it in my hand. i must have grabbed the closest pencil and didn't realize it was the one i'd lost in action. it's my favourite. it only has 3 sides instead of 6 so it fits so wonderfully in my fingers. and the paint finish is just the right amount of smooth. there's not a lot that my predecessor taught me, but she did tell me "when you find a pen that you like, take a whole box and keep it in your desk. otherwise they won't be there when you need another one". i've implimented this practise to much success, which is why i'm less disturbed when a pen goes missing because i have a stash of the exact same ones. i should've done the same with this type of pencils.

on my way into work this morning i was thinking about how today started so much better than yesterday. i'm kind of struck by how things can change from one day to the next.

b and i are short on money at the moment. lots of non-routine expenses coming up all at once. it won't take long to get back on track, but in the meantime we're having to be stingy and creative with our activities. it's kind of fun - the being creative part. i think occasional stinginess is good for the soul. it teaches balance and resourcefulness. one learns to not be wasteful, thoughtless, or excessive. i like that. i think the same prinicpals transfer into weight loss. eating well requires intention and attention (same goes for healthy spending). i feel like i'm currently forming new processing patterns in my brain and when i do get down to the weight/size i'd like to be the way i approach food will remain healthy. i'm having one of those significant experiences that change the way i live moving forward. similar to the experience i had in my early 20s with paying bills and managing money.

 

been looking for peace but they're bringing you war.

covenant

as i got ready for work, the eyeliner i'd just used on one of my eyes slipped from my hand and fell down the sink drain :S now it rests on the bottom of that pipe with a barrette that fell earlier this year. no wonder i'm paranoid about things falling down there. i'm going to have to get some kind of something to collect fallen items or my drain is going to get clogged quick.

my feet are freezing, but my legs aren't day 3 of long-john wearing under my work clothes. awesome :D

i did a great workout at the gym last night. i really pushed myself hard with the weights and i added a handful of arm machines to increase my upper body strength. i was pretty pleased with my rosy cheeks and my sweaty brow. i'm on the right track. woo-woo!

i had a lovely visit with mrs touw last evening. it was my first time in melissa's martial home, i liked the way photos of mark's family had popped up around the place. she was so warm and encouraging, and i love hearing about her life. she's such a gentle, kind-hearted person, and she enriches my life greatly :)

sometimes i sleep right up against the wall like i'm hugging it.

i've discovered the downside to our netbook. whenever i'm typing the fingerpad jumps to different parts and sometimes deletes whole paragraphs. that happened recently when i was emailing shanno, and i couldn't be bothered to re-type what i'd written so i just concluded the email with stories unsaid. i wish it was clever enough to recognise that if you're typing you most like want to stay where you are. the fingerpad should automatically disengage when i'm typing. so annoying!!

the only sound you hear is a closing door.

receipts

last night i had a nap at 9:00. i was kind of sleepy and thought i'd just shut my eyes in my cozy bed for a few minutes. at 11:30 brendan convinced me to get up and change into my pjs. it was a lovely long night's sleep. i was kind of disappointed because it's my only evening this week that i had no plans. i wanted to do some around-the-house things like read, or watch tv on the netbook. but i suppose sleeping is important too.

yesterday i did this fitness test at the gym. i'm kicking myself because i should've known there were strings attached :S the girl was very nice, and i found her helpful, but at the end of our session she presented me with a package for 112 sessions. i politely asked how much that would cost and she did the math then presented me with the sum of $6,875.00. i didn't really know what to say. i can't imagine that there is anyone in kingston that would be able to, or even choose to, spend over $6,000 on a trainer. imagine what that kind of money could be spent on! oh well, i'll just have to stick with what i'm doing. it was helpful to know that i have no upper body strength, i'll try to develop that a little so i'm more balanced.

beside all that i was quite encouraged after my session because i discovered that i'd lost 6 pounds!! hooray! or so i thought. i was also given my fat % which i thought had gone down, but unfortunately when i looked in my food journal today to compare figures i discovered it had gone up. after doing some math this morning i found that my number of fat pounds haven't less at all, which means the weight lost was muscle not fat, which is bad :S to be honest i was surprised that i'd lost weight, i actually thought that i'd remained the same, if not put some on despite of my low cal diet. so discovering that i've lost muscle doesn't surprise me. it's super annoying, but not surprising, since sheding my pounds has been quite the challenge. all this being said... i need to increase my food intake. i must not be consuming enough and therefore my body is using the stored energy in my muscle.

blah blah blah, this is all very boring. i wish this was not the story of my life at the moment. i know i have the tools within me to figure this stuff out (the girl even said "you're not new at this" and acknowledged my past experience as worthwhile. she affirmed me, i'm definitely moving in the right direction). right now i feels like i'm one step forward, two steps back, but i'm sure it will get better. i'll build momentum and eventually it will be like running down a hill - fun and exhilarating.

i hate it when people use my pencils and then walk away with them. for some reason i get very attached my pencils, more then my pens. pencils are much more specific - their weight, they're feel, their length are all important. someone stole my pencil, but i don't want to be petty by going to ask for it it back :S as a result i went to the supply cabinet and selected two new ones, but to be honest, i don't like either of them. and i feel resentment towards them....

 

late at night the feelings swim towards the surface.

blueberries

i'm wearing the long-johns that shanno gave me for my birthday underneath my work pants this morning. it's awesome. not only do i feel much warmer and cozier, i also feel like i'm undercover - secretly wearing blue long-johns and nobody knows it by just looking at me. it's awesome, this may be the highlight of my day.

brendan's getting a tooth pulled right now. my dad took him. when they made their arrangements yesterday and my dad said good-bye he threw in a "i'm looking forward to seeing you in pain tomorrow" then hung-up. i thought that was hilarious, b was a little shocked but felt that if anyone else in the world had said that it would've been weird but coming from george it was completely normal.

bren and i were discussing extroverts the other day. it began to occur to me that there are many different kinds of extroverts and i'm slightly baffled by this. after observing an extrovert who bounces around from one person to the next without much sincerity i began feeling really annoyed at the more extro people group. but in talking to bren (who is a self-identified extrovert) she pointed out that it's not extrovertedness, or even immaturity, that creates the appearance of lack of sincerity, but rather it's a lack of depth. it's strange that i'd never realized this before. i feel kind of liberated now that i get this. i have to admit, there are times when i'm warry of people because i feel like they're kind of phony, i feel i don't have interest in investing in people who aren't real with me. but i suppose some people aren't very complex, they simply are what they are. i don't really know where that leaves me. i say quite often to b "i don't need to be friends with everyone", and i firmly believe that. i feel i need to be friendly with everyone, kind and true, but i don't click with everyone, and it's ok if we're not friends. i don't invest in relationships that i don't feel a connection. and although i think that's fair, i struggle with it a little bit. especially when my friends can connect with someone i can't, or even worse when brendan connects with someone i don't. i know a few people where i feel a barrier, a wall. i feel that they won't let me in to anything beyond the surface of who they are, maybe they don't with anyone, but i don't usually persist in interacting when i'm left with awkward small talk repeatedly. it feels like a waste of time. and it drains me more than being alone. i'm not sure where this leaves me. in some senses i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. there's no going forward and there's no going back.

 

we're loving our netbook. we've only wrestled over it like small children once or twice :p and i quote "it's not fair, it's my turn!" that was me, we've got it sorted out since then. b and i tend to keep our things (foods, email/facebook, shampoo, toothpaste, computers) separate in order to keep peace. this works for us, i like it this way. so the netbook will be an adjustment, but it's a novelty and it will eventually be less novel.

 

they're moving towards you with their colors all the same.

oolong

this has been a very full day...

i woke up early to the phone ringing. garry asked me yesterday if i could put together the bulletin for his baby's service at next. i was very happy to help out, and he sent me the most lovely photo to use. since brendan and i had spontaneously gone out to see black swan at the movies last night i didn't get to the bulletin until quite late and went to bed around 1:30. garry had a few changes so he called so i could make the changes asap. i didn't mind at all. as a graphic designer i see myself as a service provider, which sometimes involves sacrifice of some kind.

i went back to bed for a little while then got up to work on hatch before going to esme's adieu. garry and shannon planned a lovely service to commemorate their wee babe. many tears were shed and many lovely words were said. i reallly wanted to speak to shannon, but i was afraid that i wouldn't know what to say or that i'd say something inappropriate, i'm kind of clumsy at the worst of times. but it was much more natural than i expected and i felt much more at ease once the ice was broken so to speak. both garry and shannon are doing remarkably well, they are well loved, at peace, and God is very present with them. we gathered to remember, although we'll never forget. 

on our way home, b suggested we stop by staples to price out some netbooks. we've been talking about buying a little netbook with my work bonus since b's computer is busted. he would like to buy a mac eventually, after he's saved enough for his tuition. we thought a netbook would be inexpensive, small, and tie us over until he's saved his shekels. we saw one on sale and had a little conference in the chair department - hashed out the details, and so on then decided to get it!! i'm writing to you on our little netbook right now!! :D this will be so handy, we can take it with us when we go to ireland, away for roadtrips, and i can take it with me when on business trips! or to the goat to write sermons! it's pretty exciting. it feels a little funny because i would never normally voluntarily buy a pc, because i'm pretty loyal to apple, i even have an apple bumper sticker, but whatevs, i'm computerly bilingual. i really wanted to buy a cute little travel case but brendan strongly discouraged it because it was an additional cost. but i'm gonna buy one eventually, i'll look forward to that :D

after more work on hatch we went to see the king's speech (it's been a weekend for movies!). it was really good, however, there was one part that made me think "well... i definitely cannot suggest this movie to my mom". haha. i liked it a lot. what intriguing people. i look forward to reading all about them on wikipedia. 

i'd rather see the world from another angle.

stereo

b says to me on monday evening, upon returning home from an evening with his peers.... "i'm glad you're not 21". then went on to say that partly the reason why our relationship works is because of our age gap. funny how that is. it's not what one would expect, but it's true. today he applied to college. he's going to study social services at slc. it's pretty darn fantastic since everything he'll study is what his heart beats for. he's kind-hearted, and loving. i think he'll excel in his schooling. anyways, the awesome thing about me being an established 30-something, is that we'll be able to pay for his post-secondary without a loan. he's going to work hard in the coming months to save, putting all his income into saving for school. i've never seen him so driven, motivated, or excited before. i'm SUPER proud of him. he's a good man.

i've had my earrings for a week now. i've got a lot of affirmations about them. i've also had a few people comment on how they must be painful or hard to put in. which is when i remember that not everyone knows they're fake :p they're earrings for regular piercings, they only look as though they're for stretched ears. i kind of like that :p the best part about my earrings is that they provide the edginess that i've been craving. maybe even a bit of the shock-value i lost when i combed out my dreads (aka my late dreads).

i lost 1.5 pounds this week. hooray! my reduced intake is making a difference! and i don't feel like i'm starving or suffering at all (i guess that's because i'm not!). i'm very pleased with my self-discipline.
 
you will see all that you need to see.

fluorescent

nancy and i went to see fiddler on the roof at the grand theatre. it was awesome! we had great seats - middle of the second row on the balcony. the only problem was that there was less than limited leg room. seriously, our knees were crammed against the back of the seat in front of us. brendan and gerry would not have been able to sit there. anyways, we loved the play. we're already big fans of the movie, and we felt they had done an excellent rendition. the costumes were really brightly coloured, and the sets were really well done. we really enjoyed it. i was underdressed. i did consider wearing slacks instead of jeans, but i honestly felt that since i'd been wearing work clothes all day that i wanted to be more comfortable. so it's my own fault, and it didn't effect my enjoyment at all. only i was a little overly warm because i didn't want to shed a layer and expose my skull+crossbones shirt underneath.

yesterday was a short day at work because there was a power outage. we were told they were expecting the power to return around 3:30 or 4, but it actually came back on at 1:30. oh well. i had a nice afternoon, i worked out and baked some cupcakes for some company. b was gonna do it, but he got called into work unexpectedly.

jo and hugh came to visit in the evening. it was so great to have them over. brendan and joanna had never met before, even though it felt as though they should've because i've known them both for quite some time. but they seemed to just miss each other all the time. it was nice getting to know hugh better too. we both really liked him, which is good because there's no guarantee that your partner is going to like your friend's partner. although, i don't think that's happened to us yet. i really like jo. i feel that she and i are on the same page with a lot of things, and she really resonates with me. i'd invited them over for a game, but we ended up just chatting the whole evening, so we didn't get to it. australians are a lot like brits when it comes to tea. it made me laugh that hugh served us all tea because he was in need of some.

 

the most beautiful laughter comes from the mouth of a mourner.

operator

i've got these two friends. they remind me of twins, even though they're not. they're so similar and yet so different. i find them so intertwined, in a delightful way. one of my favourite things about being with them is how i feel equally close to both of them. i can't really explain it other than to say that i've observed often in groups there's different levels of intimacy with each person in the group. but with them it's the same level, so i feel free and safe in their company. i like that i can whisper secrets to both of them as they shield me from the haters with their slenderness.

 

then you take that love you made
and stick it into someone else's heart
pumping someone else's blood.

beloved

one of the loveliest things about living as part of a community is having people to celebrate with.

but in days like these i get to see another side of community. this weekend, this week, and in the weeks to come we'll grieve together. we'll take the pair among us along with their little brood, and surround them. cry with and for them. while we give them their necessary space we knit them a tiny blanket, we cook them meals, we make them mixed cds, we think of them often and whisper prayers. there is something remarkable about the way a community is weaved together like a safety net in times like theses.

 

you say "it'll be alright, just wait and see."

stings

sometimes i watch dr oz at the gym. i've never watched a whole show, but i'll flip over to it during commericals. sometimes i learn helpful things... like how moisturizing your neck reduces the signs of aging (skin on the neck is thinner, so weakens earlier, thus adding weight to your face and making it sag). but then there was yesterday, when he was addressing the pain caused by high heel shoes. while he did give a helpful tip to the woman who chronically complains about wearing heels, he also gave her husband a pep talk to not become agitated by his wifes complaints (and made the man wear pink high heels to demonstrate the discomfort). this puzzled me. all i could think was "if high heels hurt your feet and legs, don't wear them". they're just a weird fashion accessory, and they're not your only option. while i can appreciate that the husband's annoyed attitude probably created tension in their relationship, i don't think him learning to be more sympathic is the only solution. it's not like heels are manditory, there are women all over the world who DON'T wear high-heels. this is just yet another social construct that women go along with without giving any thought to why.

to give you an update on my earrings... with a fresh hair-washing this morning i think they look great. they still point out funny, but my hair's got some texture now so they look pretty good.

 

hatching from the seed of your thin mind.

eavesdrop

i bought some earrings on etsy last week. the arrived today, to my delight. here's a pic.

i like them. they're edgy, which is what i've been wanting. but i think i may need to grow into them. have you every got a haircut or dyed your hair then felt a need to change your wardrobe? well these are making me wish my hair was... different – better in some way. maybe i'll be inspired to rise to the occasion and change it somehow.

anyways, the downside (except for the fact that i don't feel cool enough to wear them in public) is that my piercings are angled. rach mentioned that about her own once, and until then i didn't realize that was possible. although, i did subconsciously notice that hoops don't sit in my ears properly. my new earrings don't sit flat as they do in the picture. they point outward instead of forward. however... i don't think it will be as noticeable to others as it is to me. besides, they're kind of unique so most people won't know what they're "supposed" to look like.

the door slammed loud and rose up a cloud of dust on us.

download

i'm starting to realize something... i'm kind of a planner. that surprises me, because i think of plans as confining and rigid.

i'm known as the sister who doesn't plan, while joy is the planner - her life operates on an highly organized schedule. the first time i heard someone say about me that i don't make plans i grumbled under my breath "i make plans, they just don't work out". i guess that should've told me something about myself, but it didn't. i just adopted that projection of myself as part of my identity. in hindsight that was a mistake.

admittedly, life after 18 did not look the way i expected, neither did life after 24, or 27. and i'm happy about that. i like the place i arrived in, and recognize my own scheming would have missed the mark. i've taken to thinking of myself as a dreamer. i imagine possibilities, and later i imagine different possibilies as circumstances change. one thing i learned from my twarted salad-day plans is that i can't hold fast to any path because you never know what may, and will, come along unexpectedly. that just adds to the magic and my wonder at the possibilities.

i once made a new year's resolution to not plan anything. which released me from having an agenda or a schedule. i still dreamed and schemed, but i let go of the notion of having a life-plan and instead allowed myself to figure it all out as i go. which i think i've learned to do.

b is not a planner. i plan, and (thankfully) he goes along with my plans. that being said, i do plan things that i know he'll like, and he doesn't hesitate to protest when i offer a course of action that he doesn't like. in those cases i go back to the drawing board and come back with an alternative that will suit us both. b is all about "collaborating" instead of "compromising. i like that approach, it lends itself to the best end result.

on sunday, i thought about b's job situation, tuesday... where to go on vacation next year, yesterday... losing weight on my new exercise/diet plan, today... how and how much will we save for a downpayment. i get really exhilarated by these things. it gives me purpose, a reason to thrifty, a reason to be mindful of what i eat. since life is not stationary and i like having an idea of which way i'm moving.

so let the record show that i, lesley lorimer, plan stuff. and that i also dream and scheme when i have any spare moment. because i like to.

here in the land of frozen hands.

radish

this morning i woke up with a smile on my face.
i felt rested.
i felt happy.
the sun was streaming in the living room window at 6:30 am.
my house (except for our bedroom) is really tidy, and that makes me feel unencumbered. it's way easier to maintain unclutter when it's tidy to start with.
my body is feeling less bulky.
i was up early enough that i had plenty of time to shower, get ready, etc, and still arrive to work 10 minutes early.

my goodness, it's a glorious morning. it's just one of those days when everything aligns and i'm feeling great. which is nice, because i frequently have days that are the opposite (late, tired, grumpy, no sun, messy house, feeling fat). hooray! i'm so happy that today is a good day. i really want to be on time for work this year. i'm glad the year has started off well, but that doesn't mean i'll be able to maintain it.

i'm slowly getting the hang of eating small portions. now that i'm eating properly, it seems almost silly that i ate too much before. i think it's partly because when living alone its difficult to make small quantities of food. i'm becoming more satisfied with less that i don't want to eat more. this is encouraging. i'm confident that this will be a fully adopted approach by the end of this month. it's been said that it takes 23 days to form a habit! yay!

 

goin' back to a simpler place and time.

light bulb

i really enjoyed my winter vacation. i decided beforehand that i wanted to have an introverted holiday, and i succeeded. b and i slept late each day, watched movies and the band of brothers mini series. i cooked and baked. i didn't work out. we spent time with our families, including taking my niece and nephews to chuck-e-cheese. today we cleaned the apartment, got organized, purged some stuff, and put photos in albums and frames. we've also been taking a lot about the future. about this next year, what it will look like and what direction b should go in. we're both feeling encouraged and that we've finally caught the scent and are on the right track.

i told b tonight that i wish i was always this relaxed. work and routine brings an element of stress and pressure to my life that i don't like. i'm happier and far more chilled when rested. nothing is a chore or obligation. i'm not grumpy or anxious. i wonder how i can learn to infuse my regular life with this sense of peace. because i want to be peaceful.

i should get going. tonight i sleep instead of rest. i'll dream instead of recharge. i'm already completely full. it's the new year, and it is good.

so this is the new year and i have no resolutions
for self assigned penance,
for problems with easy solutions.

fireworks

bren and i concluded that 2011 is significantly less attractive in writing than 2010. even saying it is less lovely.

ah, the new year. after seeing the gertrudes at the KRC last night, b and i went to the erbs and hungout with jill, rach, and jase. we played crokinole and drank things. it was great. i concluded that my ideal new year's celebration is just a small gathering with good friends.

i like looking forward into a new year. i like imagining the possibility. i like wondering what will happen. how things will be different this time next year. i wouldn't have thought b and i would be married at this point when imagining life on this day last year. i thought we'd get married in january or february of this year, but things change, plans change. i like that.

i'm not one for new year's resolutions, but i do like starting a new year with a new habit in the making. to take on a new practise and make it part of who i am. last year i planned to learn to say no to things, and i think i've succeeded. i've decided that this year i'm going to eat smaller portions. my instincts are to eat more than i should of things, and i need to change that if i'm going to lose weight. i've decided with each meal or snack, to consider how much i instinctively want to eat, and then cut it in half. so far i'm doing pretty good, and when i fail i'm usually pretty aware of the fact that i ate more than i should've. so, here's to a year of learning to consume less.

there's a few things on the docket for 2011:
• visit beck in quebec city in february
• trip to ireland in march/april
• road trip to cornerstone music fest in june/july
• reach my goal weight and feel comfortable with my body
• go to a bingo hall with shannon

:) i feel happy about this year. i feel freer than i have before, and more content. i'm becoming less tortured as i get older. i've gotta go. we have a dinner date at the melles's down the street.

she moves like an old gypsy woman but swears she’s a girl.

passport

well my lords and ladies, we've arrived at the end of 2010. this is my favourite entry of the year, i look forward to it all year. my year recap. i love looking back on my year of firsts along with other cool stuff. i think it goes without saying that this has been a great year. one for the books. full of lots of changes.

in january...
i went bowling with my mom, her friend garry, and brendan, and discovered i'm not a bad bowler after all! went to kieran's hockey game (first junior, junior, junior hockey game), saw a 3D movie (avatar), got a new boss (!!), surprised brendan by taking him to play bingo where he won 50 bux(!), went on a road trip to TO to see rock plaza central, and went on a road trip with bren, brendan, andrew and shannon to peterborough for hatch.

in february...
i watched the superbowl for the first time, i gave up sleeping in for lent, b took me on a surprise date to see a queen's basketball game with his parents, went to cuba with shannon, left my wallet in kingston, drank a lot of rum, danced in the disco, went on a cave exploration, then swam in a different cave, then shanno was bit by my horse.

in march...
i drank my first can of beer in the airport in cuba, was greeted at the airport by b, got a washing machine followed by a massive flood, then got a new washing machine, went to see the acorn with mike and bren, went to shanno's jubliee in the park, my niece erin was born and i was there!

in april...
saw dragonette in concert, ben and meg got engaged, andrew and shannon got engaged, then me and b got engaged, started pre-martial counseling, upgraded to a double bed!

in may...
we planned our wedding, sold something on kijiji (then had to almost immediately take it back because the lady changed her mind), got my diaphragm, got an outside clothesline (!), gave b his first driving lesson (in a standard car no less).

in june...
i had to take b to the hospital after he accidentally stabbed himself at work, got newer (better) contact lenses, went to TO for a photoshop seminar, had both a bachelorette and bridal shower in one weekend, enjoyed yet another skeleton park music festival, experienced a lot of significant pain in my toes (months later i discovered that two of my toes pop out of joint when i'm sleeping so i just have to crack them back into place and i'm good to go), got married/had a fun wedding, lost virginity, saw seinfeld at krock centre, returned to work for 3 days, then left for honeymoon.

in july...
we took a 15 hour flight to hong kong, hung out there for a whole day then flew to phnom penh. had a great time in cambodia, got overheated, relaxed, b got sick, drank $0.60 pints of beer, explored the temples of angkor, learned a lot about the khmer rouge, stayed in really great gay hotel after finding no room in the inn we'd booked a reservation, watched world cup soccer, had fish massage, rode in tuk-tuks, flew back to hong kong, took a hop-on hop-off bus, flew 15 hours back to TO. was greeted at arrival gate by andrew and shannon, canceled cable tv per agreement with b.

in august...
we went camping on the long weekend at silver lake, then visited b's aunt and family at their cottage, had a great time at wolfe island music festival as per usual, i read the millennium series (amazing), got a wireless router, went to an arcade fire concert on toronto island with beckie and brendan, took the united way bus tour around town to see the organizations funded thru them, signed up for the terry fox run but had to later bow out, took a road trip with my new mother-in-law to meg's bridal shower, preached for the second time (talked about the importance of self-love).

in september...
we went camping on the long weekend at bon echo (loved it!), bought an rrsp, went to take back the night but it was cancelled, taught andrew how to drive stick and took him to my office to show him my cubicle, threw shanno a bachelorette party, was a bride's maid in ben & meg's wedding, rode in a limousine, was the best lady in andrew and shannon's wedding.

in october...
went apple picking, hiked at frontenac park with b on our one year (dating) anniversary, went to the martha's table fundraiser 'empty bowls', started my new gym membership at goodlife, melissa got married!

in november...
did the halloween harvest food blitz in the inner harbour neighbourhood, went to see ani difranco in ottawa with bren, gambled with shanno in gan (she won 57 bux!), brendan got his driver's licence, my mom broke her arm, watched the santa claus parade with shannon thru her bedroom window, preached third sermon (hope – first week of advent), went to my annual fronts hockey game, my name was legally changed to lorimer from mcknight.

in december...
i bought a new winter coat, retired from designing the YFC newsletter, stayed at a B&B in bath for free, went to trenton for my somewhat distressing doctor's appointment, was put on perocet, had a small group of friends over for my birthday, drove to north bay to visit my father-in-law and stayed overnight in a hotel, took niece and nephews to chuck-e-cheese, and today i bought a new hoodie from lululemon with some christmas gift money. so comfy.

it's been a great year. full and eventful. thanks for your part in it. thanks for helping me thru big transitions, and for being supportive, affirming and loving.

she laughs as she dances her feet wake the flowers.

sleeping

it was a lovely christmas.

after church on christmas eve my family all gathered at my sister's place. we played apples to apples after the kids were in bed. i was amazed at how well my mom and carol did. it definitely revealed a new side of them.

b and i slept on a blow up bed, and woke early in the morning to the sound of my family gathering in the kitchen. the kids did so well, we didn't open our gifts until around 10 or 11 and they were very patient. the present opening ceremony was fun as usual, and b fit in to the mix really well. that was followed by a early christmas dinner, then it was time for us to head to nancy and gerry's place. we had a nice time there too. just casually eatting apps, and watched a movie together that night. we stayed over night there too. we're really grateful that both our families live in town so we can see both in one day.

boxing day was pretty relaxing. we went to a matinee and ate popcorn, then just chilled in the evening. we had to go to bed early because we had an early start the next day. we left at 8:30 and drove to north bay to visit brendan's dad. it was fun. i'd never been there before and the drive there was beautiful. it was so great getting to share the driving, but we had a few tense moments because i tend to still give him driving instructions. i know i'm being a backseat driver, but he's only had his license for 6 weeks and has never driven at such high speeds before. hopefully that will get better and i'll relax more when he gets more experience. he did great. we split the driving 3 hours and 3 hours. i'd never been on the trans-canada highway before, i felt super excited and happy to being doing something new. it was really beautiful driving in the winter. the trees were bare so we could see lakes that would usually be hidden by leaves. and the hills!! my goodness. i came to realize that i'm truly a southern ontario girl and don't know much north of the 401 :S the weather was great! although we were surprised to find so much snow in north bay, there's still none here! it helped me understand why andrew and shannon are disappointed by kingston winters. we stayed at a best western, and went swimming twice and in the hot-tub! brendan was reluctant at first, but loved the hot-tub he said he could sleep in it. we really enjoyed the hotel and kind of made the decision to stay at a hotel at least once a year just for fun and relaxation. even if it's just one in kingston.

it was great seeing brendan's dad andy. he showed us all around north bay and took us out for dinner. he's pretty extroverted and talks pretty freely, which made him easy to be around. i found all his stories about north bay interesting so i genuinely enjoyed chatting to him. he's a nice man, and very optimistic, he was so thrilled that we'd came to visit. the next morning we went out for breakfast and he took us to see some nice horses then we went for a walk. soon it was time to head home for another 6 hours drive.

we drove 12 hours in 36 hours. but it was fun, i really had a good time.

now that we're home we're just relaxing. it's been great. a super vacation :D

we're out to prove the truth of the man from galilee.

paper

we went to the bank yesterday and left amazed at how bankers can make you feel naked and vulnerable. it felt very invasive and we resented their insinuations. the way she kept implying we may divorce some day, it makes me sad and angry that the marriage arrangement has little respect anymore. sure, there's a high divorce rate now a days, but there are actually some people out there (like us for example) who take our commitment very seriously and are 100% committed to our marriage and seeing it thru until old age. it may be hard for bankers to understand, but i didn't marry b for his money and i'm not actually tucking it all away so that i can take off with it some day. it's odd how children are taught to share, and how b and i hold everything in common, and yet at the bank what's mine is mine, and what's his is his. i want to loudly proclaim to them "WE SHARE OUR FINANCES – PERIOD!!!" what's mine is his, and what's his is mine. it's so frustrating. the whole "what if" situations they throw at is so counter our faith and our wordview. there's no way of explaining it to a banker. they don't understand that money is not a priority for us. .

all around the cathedral,
the saints and apostles look down as she sells her wares.
although you can't see it,
you know they are smiling each time someone shows that he cares.

matinee

brendan gave me a postsecret book for christmas. i was very excited about it. my family had never heard of it, so i explained the premise to them. i was happy to introduce them to such a great project, and i read a few outloud, and after the third one my mom went "awh" in shock (she's easy to offend). as i read thru it i developed a suspicion that my family, specially my mom would not like postsecret. it left me puzzling about it. i love postsecret, i appreciate the honesty, and humaness, and the glimpses into the lives of others. i love that it pulls at my heartstrings and draws out compassion and sympathy for people who are so obviously hurting.

in my puzzling i got thinking about morality and ethics. ethics are not something i heard much about growing up, and didn't really enter my radar until my late-20s. at this point i put a lot of weight on ethics. for me it's an outward expression of love. it's human rights, it's equality, it's fighting for the vulnerable and needy. i also thought about morality. while i believe in morals, and i strive to be a moral person, i don't place importance on other peoples morals. meaning that regardless of a person's word or deed i still feel compelled to love them. treat them as human, and with respect. i remember having a hypothetical conversation with beck where i told her that if she killed someone i'd still love her and visit her in prison. i find it important to remember that people are so much more than their mistakes. being focused on morality seems more like a hindrance than anything else.

as usual, when i'm pondering new ideas i think of jesus. i skim my memory and think if anything he said disagrees with what i'm thinking. kind of cross-referencing so to speak. it made me conclude that jesus is not caught up in morality either. when asked about sin he said "he who is without sin cast the first stone". God does call us to be holy, but that's less about morality and more about clearing the way for us to know him. sin is a barrier in itself, but it doesn't disqualify us from God's love. in addition, i feel that being a moral person leads to being healthy and well-balanced. that good life-decisions lead to the best end result. i guess because of that i feel that i'm not in the position to decide what are good decisions for other people.

i kind of concluded that morality is personal journey, and ethics is an outward expression of love.

i'm thankful for being taught to love without fear and condemnation.
i hope that love will grow in me, and that it will multiply ten-fold.
i hope that maybe, just maybe, others will learn the difference between loving and condoning, and in turn will love and love and love without boundaries.
and i hope that my love will arrive on people's doorsteps in times when they need it, and that it will make a positive difference.

home is when I'm alone with you.

chocolate

when i left for work this morning i found an old, discarded, stale donut on my bicycle. i hope it's not an indicator of the kind of day i'm going to have.

this is my last day of work for 2010. hooray!! i'm so happy. it's been a great week. yesterday i made it thru the entire day with only speaking to one, maybe two people (if you count the telephone). my introverted self is extremely invigorated by this. perhaps no one will speak to me at all today :D the parking lot is getting emptier and emptier each day. usually my car is the last one in the parking lot when i leave on christmas eve eve.

i didn't mention this at the time, but last year on my christmas vacation brendan and i cohabited. he came and lived with me at the maxi pad for a week or so. i didn't talk about it on pspd because we'd decided to not tell brendan's housemate or else he'd get some flack from them. also, my mom was distressed when i told her about the idea, she's very concerned about "the appearances of evil", but it was totally appropriate - he insisted on having his own bed. anyways, we had a great time during that week together. in fact, i think it's safe to say that it was during that week of cohabitation that we inwardly decided to get married. we knew we had a good thing going, and really we could've just kept living that way and become married at that point and we would've been pretty content with that. it was sucky when b moved back to his home again. i'm looking forward to another rendition of b and les's christmas vacation.

this year i'm more aware of winter solstice. i guess it's because i learned on big bang theory (i learn a lot of things from that show actually) that the celebration of jesus's birth was combined with the celebration of winter solstice. for some reason this makes complete sense to me. all the weird christmas traditions that have no connection with a baby in bethlehem, i finally get it! i'm less bothered by our modern christmas variety because i now see where it comes from and how it fits in. it's winter solstice!! i think from now on i'm going to recognize both. i may even say to people "happy winter solstice". and some day we may have a winter solstice tree. b and i have been mentally wrestling with how these traditions fit with our expression of faith, but now i've reconciled myself with them. that's good. i'm pleased.

i'm completely enamoured with edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros. i know i mentioned this last time i wrote, but it's a really big deal for me right now. kind of consuming.

she's got sunset on her breath,
i inhaled it just a little bit.

papercut

today was the first day that i distinctly didn't feel lorimer. i felt mcknight. i realized this when i discovered there's a streetcar station in calgary called mcknight. however, there's also a station in nyc called lorimer, so it's not like i'm missing out on cool train stations with my name. plus, toronto has a station called leslie (even if it's spelled wrong), so i think i'm covered.

i've decided to start going to bed early. i know, i know, i've said that oodles of times, but this time it's different because i've heard that not getting enough sleep contributes to difficulty losing weight. last night i was in bed at 10, and i slept so well. i pretty much got into bed soon after getting home from chein noir. dinner was great. we both got the 3 course meal deal for $25. we even dressed up like civilized folks. it was fun.

so anyways, ya, i'm gonna try to get to bed early so that i get 8 hours sleep. that being said, i should start my pre-bed routine.

i'm super into edward sharpe and the magnetic zero this evening. they're similar to the gertrudes, but more well established. they're all full-fledged hippies, it kind of blows my mind. as soon as i heard them on cbc radio 2 tonight i had to get their album asap.

i scream into the nothingness that we got everything we need.

nervy

rach was telling me and shanno last night about enneagrams. i'd heard of them before. she had turned brendan on to them in the spring, and i forgot to look up mine. it's similar to myers-briggs personality profiling, but is a different system. rach likes this one better because she says it takes things like childhood trauma into consideration.

so i did an online test, and it determined that i'm a 7, loosely named "the enthusiast". the description is unbelievable, it told me things about myself that i didn't know but are definitely true. it surmises that...
my basic fear is of being deprived or in pain
that my basic desire is to be satisfied and content - to my have needs fulfiled.
that my key motivations are a want to maintain my freedom and happiness, to avoid missing out on worthwhile experiences, and to keep myself excited and occupied, and to avoid pain.

yes. as i thought back over the last decade of my life, i'd say this is remarkably accurate. my freedom is VERY important to me, i hate the thought of missing out of meaningful experiences, and i generally strive for my next adventure so that i maintain my level of excitement and remain occupied. it also talked about my need to write things down as a means of "downloading" the contents of my head. SO INTERESTING!

one of the most significant things that i've learned so far is that this personality type has a unique desire for freedom and to experience as much of the world as possible. oh man! what a relief it is to know this. no wonder i fear convention. realizing this is helping me let go of the frustration and (i must confess...) distain i've felt towards certain life-styles. actually it's not even the life-style so much, it's really that i want to shake the people and say "don't you know there's way more to life than following the footsteps of social norms??" but different personality types desire different things. such as... to be loved unconditionally; to be good and have integrity; to be valuable; to be unique and authentic; to feel safe; to maintain inner stability and peace of mind. it's a relief to finally understand this about others. i feel remorseful for feeling annoyed and being judgemental.

i've also learned the difference between myself functioning poorly and functioning fully. i'm also coming to understand brendan better after reading his enneagram. he's a peace maker (9).

it seems some people are more into personality profiles than others. i'm not really sure why that is. one guy i knew mostly didn't like being boxed in. if you haven't done a myers-briggs or enneagream test before (they don't take very long) i really encourage you to (click here). it's super helpful and sightful. it reveals weaknesses that often go unnoticed. if you do the test tell me what you are, i'm really interested!

i got a call from the passport office about being a reference on joanna's application. how odd, since we'd just been talking about how people never get called. so funny! i was kind of nervous. i didn't know what kind of things they'd ask me. in the end i had to give a physical description of her, explain what her job is, where she lived, where she used to live, i think i did ok. hopefully!! i have my passport application all filled in, i just need to get some photos taken. maybe i'll try to do that tonight when i'm downtown. b's taking me to chien noir tonight for dinner!! fancy :D

 

mark my footsteps,

tread in them boldly.

funking

it was a great weekend.

i had a lovely birthday. greek food for lunch. a gathering of friends in the evening. it was a special day for sure. the only downside is that right before bed i found myself in grave pain again and had to take some more percocet. i was a bit concerned about becoming nausous again but was intentional about eating something. brendan was really good about it, especially since he was already in bed sleeping when i started writhing and crying.

saturday was fantastic. we went to nancy and gerry's place for an early family christmas. it was lovely. the food was great, the gifts were great, and we watched the muppet's christmas carole. from there we went to party number two, it was a housewarming party for a few of brendan's friends. i always feel a little bit like a fish out of water among b's peers, but i suppose that will change in time as they graduate uni and move into the next phase of their lives. we had a good time though, i'm slowly getting to know people.

b had never been to swiss chalet before, so i picked that place for my sunday birthday lunch with my family. they all love swiss chalet and were shocked that he'd never been there before. we agreed after that it's much better than red lobster, and the prices are much more reasonable.

then to wrap up sunday evening, we had the living room christmas potluck. which was fun as usual. now with that behind me, i feel like i'm in vacation mode. this is always my favourite work week of the year. i wear jeans, it's really quiet and relaxing. lovely. i've been setting aside work to do to keep me busy. i feel pretty happy actually.

 

why lies he in such mean estate
where ox and ass are feeding.

calendar

well here we are.

it's the night before my birthday. my birthday eve if you will.

i don't even know what to say. i am well. i am happy. 30 was great. and not just because of my legal union with brendan. thirty has been very liberating. it's fantastic being out of my 20s. i feel comfortable with who i am. i'm struggling with my weight and wish my hair was longer, but aside from that i don't have an major qualms. my life is peaceful and i'm not anxious or burdened.

i love the way that in spite of all changes, life pretty much stays the same. i'm here in the maxi pad. i have the same job, same family, same mojomobile, same friends, same kitties. i have a new legal partner/housemate, i have a new boss, i have a new niece, new in-laws. i guess life changes slowly. so gradually that at times change can go unnoticed. i like that. i think it's the right speed for me. even when i've been impatient or overwhelmed. in those times i just need some perspective. i don't usually see the big picture. i'm present, sometimes too present that i'm unable to see 5 minutes from now. my biggest blindspots are in the realm of time.

joanna was our special guest at book club tonight. it was great having her. i don't want to say that i wish she didn't live in australia, but it would be nice if australia was closer and we could chat and knit regularly. she's a good egg. there's no one like jo.

then what kind of scale compares the weight of two beauties.

gown

on tuesday i had an appointment with a specialist at trention hospital. i'd been referred there because the wait to see the kingston specialist was quite long. in hindsight i was completely misinformed on what i was going for, and therefore went mentally and physcially unprepared. i ended up having minor surgery. nothing to be concerned about, it was so minor that i didn't even realize it was surgery until later that night when i was admitted at hotel dieu for severe pain. the drive home to kingston from trenton was awful. the pain went down my legs to my feet. i felt like passing out and/or throwing up. i would affirm myself as i drove "i'm doing good. i'm doing good". i didn't return to work, but instead drove right home. i tried calling brendan at rona, i tried calling my mom. i tried calling the hospital, i tried calling my mom again, i tried calling my doctor, i tried calling brendan again. i spent 2 hours waiting for returned calls while i flailed around in pain and wept big tears. when i got a hold of my mom she came over to be with me, and stayed with me til brendan got home - he left work immediately and caught the bus home. by the time he arrived i'd spoken to my doctor who advised me to go to the hospital. she said "i don't know anything about surgery", i tried to tell her "it wasn't surgery" but it turns out it was and i didn't know it. she said to me "what did he give you for the pain" and i said "he didn't give me anything, he didn't even tell me there would be pain".

so anyways, b drove me to HDH, we didn't have to wait long. our doctor there was very nice, and funny too. he reminded us of jemaine from flight of the conchords. he tried to get a hold of the "surgeon" in trenton to no avail. while we waited for him to get back i told b about trenton. i'd never been there before and it made me think of melissa - trying to imagine here there in that town. "everything was smaller" i said to b "the houses were the size of this room". "i very much doubt that" he said. dr jemaine came back and told me that the pain would probably last another 2 to 4 days, and that he would prescribe some strong meds for me. so i was given some percocet and sent on my way with my prescription in hand. things were on the up and up. we went to classic where i got season 3 of big bang theory. i got a pita for dinner while my prescription was being filled, and slowly the pain was diminishing while the percocet kicked in. brendan could tell i was feeling better as my whines and heavy breathing lessened. i went to bed early and all was better.

until morning. at 4 am i took more pills (following the instructions) and went back to bed. but when i got up for work i started feeling very nauseated and got the sweats so i got back into bed and asked b to call marilyn and let her know i wasn't coming. the nausea got worse as the morning wore on. most of the day i layed completely still suppressing the need to throw up. i hadn't barfed in years nor did i want to then. the fight continued into the afternoon when i decided to move to the living room for some tv watching. but that's where the battle was lost. i threw up repeatedly over the course of the afternoon. thankfully it was mostly just water. i tried to be brave as i was all alone (b was at work again), but i cried a little bit. eventually i got an email from bren saying that she'd heard from garry that he had a similar experience with percocet and that you have to eat something with it (even though the instructions didn't say anything about that). so over the course of the afternoon i started making myself eat. i stopped barfing, but moved slowly and was kind of hunched over. i got into bed at 8:30 or 9 and soon was out for the count.

today has been better. my appetite is very small, but i'm not in pain and my stomach is returning to normal. it was a very crazy two day experience. hopefully the worst is behind me, i'll try to be more informed next time.

it takes a stiff upper lip to just hold up my face.

scope

what do you think of secrets between partners. i don't mean partners keeping their own secrets, but rather being a secret keeper for someone else.

i've been thinking about this since a convo with b the other day. he was told something confidential by someone else, who in turn said "you can tell les, i assume you will because you're married". while i value sharing things with my partner, i feel there should be things that can be kept confidential even between partners if the situation calls for it. as i pondered this i asked brendan about it, he said he couldn't imagine not telling me something. while me on the other hand, i've kept a good number of private stories from brendan. it's not my own information, but certain contents of conversation with friends do not escape my lips. i approach sharing my friends stories on a need to know basis, and i don't think my other half needs to know those things. but mostly i recognize my friends rights to tell me things in confidence without me telling b.

brendan seemed surprised to hear that i hold words within me that i haven't shared with him. but i suppose he'd have no reason to be think otherwise. although there was one time when i had to say to him "just trust me, ok? i know more about this than you do" - implying there's information that he's not privy to, and left it at that. there've been times when he's told me something that i already knew, long before he found out. i usually just listen and say "uh-huh?" because i'm not certain how much he knows so i stay quiet or ask prompting questions to find out how much he knows - i don't want to spill any beans he doesn't already have. he doesn't seem to notice. i think this goes back to our myers-briggs personalities.

anyways, what do you think? i'm probably partially biased after being solo all those years, it always hurt and frustrated me to think of one spouse being a sieve to the other spouse. so i'm careful with the words i take in.

the edge is closer than you think.

cliff

saturday was a super productive day.

b and i tag-teamed working on his resume, and it turned out excellently. as usual whenever we do such work together i feel so energized and proud of him. if i was looking to hire, i'd select him in a second.

after that we headed out to do some christmas shopping, and were highly effective with that too. we're so close to being done that it's laughable. considering the fact that the mall is a place that deeply disturbs brendan, he did very well. until the end when i could see he was caving and feeling overwhelmed, so we boogied out of there as fast as possible we were supposed to only go to sears, but ended up going down to zellers for toy stuff for the nephews. so as a reward for b's endurance, we went to copper penny for a burger. it was delicious.

that evening, we stayed at a bed and breakfast! it was fun. some friends of my mom own a B&B and gave us a gift certificate as a wedding gift. we didn't have a lot of expectations, pretty much expected the basics - a bed and a breakfast, but it was actually really nice. it had a tv with satellite. so we just curled up on the bed and watched the tv. it was super relaxing. unfortunately, we were woken in the morning by a toddler. brendan was kind of unimpressed by that, in fact he was downright annoyed that the owners of a B&B would have a young child. but it turned out fine, and didn't wreck our time there.

i'm turning 31 in 4 days. i'm semi shocked by this. i'll be officially IN my thirties and not just at the door.

i don't think i'll make my 10 pound goal by january 5. i've been working out 5 days a week and watching what i eat and my weight is barely changing. it's ok though. when i signed on i expected it to take about 6 months to reach my goal, but on the schedule the girl suggested it would've only taken 2 months. maybe that's realistic for some people, but i think metabolism has something to do with it, and my body isn't keen to shed pounds at a rapid pace. i'm not quitting this jan 5 target, but i'm not going to give it power over me. i have to remember working out is about being healthy and feeling good.

they tease me, but i'm not diswaded. my senses tell me something, and i'm going to go with those hints and gestures. sometimes it means that i'm right. i'll just wait for the rest of them to catch up with me.

they missed fate's appointed rendezvous.

easing

shanno and i had a meeting of the minds at the goat last night. i drank a massive hot chocolate while she sipped a tiny spiked cappuccino.

sometimes when chatting with a friend there's both nothing and everything to talk about. i rambled on to shanno about this problem i've been having with my face lately. she politely listened and giggled at me when i told her that the problem i've been having is that i don't much like my face lately. i wanted to talk to her about this problem but was greatly distracted by the girl sitting at the table behind my pal. a dirty-blond was peering over her shannon's shoulder and listening to everything i was saying. it was very distracting, and in spite of the fact that i stopped what i was saying (waiting for her to look away), then started to giggle while she continued to stare, she persisted in doing it for the remainder of the evening. on a number of occassions we had to lower our voices and huddle in the middle of the table for more private topics. how very odd. i'm sure i've done my fair share of eavesdropping in my day, but i've always tried to be more sutble than that!! i felt like she was going to join our convo at any moment.

i've been very teary lately. my grandpa used to cry at the drop of a hat. maybe that's a little bit of bobby in me. i was reading at lunch and became overwhelmed by the story. tears sprung to my eyes and a slight whimper escaped my lips. i felt a little embarrased. these walls are blue and fall short in height. so i breathed deep and skimmed the next paragraph.

i know this song with this one really killer line,
i don't remember it exactly but it slays me everytime.

hang-nail

upon arriving home last evening i got into my pajamas and once dinner was finished i started work on the newsletter. after doing some prep work in advance it actually didn't take very long at all, and i was done by 9. i had the wonderful idea of going to storytellers to just listen to my friends read their stories, so i got redressed, boots on feet, about to head out the door when i remembered that my novice driver husband had taken the car. hm. that had never happened to me before. i've owned a car since i was 19 years old, and never once have i not had it at my disposal. true, i could've walked, rach's place isn't that far, but it was cold and there was only about an hour left, so once i got there there would only be 45 minutes remaining. so i stayed at home and watched big bang theory. i like that this is my new thing. and i kind of extra like it because it's just mine and not ours. i don't have to wait for b to get home to watch it. i ended up having a lovely evening. it was like i lived alone again. only different because i knew someone would be coming home to me later that night.

my new shampoo is not working out. i think i'm going to have to break-up with it. it's making my hair too staticy. yesterday i had to spray it with static guard. i'm missing my long flowing hair. i like the way it draps over me, and covers me when i'm feeling ugly. one more year. one year and it will be back to the length i long for. i don't feel like myself lately, i mean my body, it doesn't feel like mine, instead it feels foreign. i think it's because of my hair.

the thing i love about static guard is that the artwork on the canister is exactly the same as when i was a kid. with it's retro drawing of a lady spraying her hem. it's awesome. good for them for pushing thru the awkward "out-dated" phase and emerging on the other side of "charmingly vintage".

she's got this sweet face,
easy as tea leaves to read.

classic

we watched the documentary "babies" on the weekend. it was very unique because it had absolutely no dialogue at all and no narration.

if you don't know anything about it, i'll just explain that it follows 4 babies from birth to walking. each baby is from a different country and culture. one is from namibia, one from toyko, one from mongolia, and one from san francisco. it was amazing to see the different between the cultures. the baby from africa was surrounded by other kids and woman, while the baby from america had no community at all. the only activity the mom and babe did in a group was baby yoga and even that was individualistic. i was struck by the way "advancement" seemed to equal isolation. not only did the westernized babies give me the willies, i was also extremely bored by them. the troupe of moms in japan with strollers seemed so tedious, while the baby out in the field with cows in mongolia was so engaging. i loved seem the babies crawl on the ground, on rocks and dirt. it struck me odd that i'd never seen a baby crawl on anything other than carpet or a grassy backyard. and the stuff those babies put in their mouths! it was awesome! i finally understood what people mean when they say allergies are more common now because children are not in the dirt. those babies were in, on, and eating the dirt!

it was a very intriguing film. i don't think one environment is better than the others, nor are any worse. they were all happy and healthy babies.

i'm starting to realize it's not babies that i fear. nor is it the change in life-style. it's the idea of turning into someone i don't know. the possibility of losing myself, my beliefs, my values, the relationships i hold dear. i don't want that. but i wonder if parenting draws out in people tendencies that already exist. and if that's true i don't need to be afraid of being over-protective, shutting down or going into survive mode some day. at least now i can be a bit less freaked out.

 

'cuz words are vitamins and life is short.

dictionist

i'm super grumpy at the moment. really crabby and passive aggressive, while at the same time quite overtly aggressive at home and at work. i don't know what's going on. it was making brendan bonkers last night. i reminded myself of knickers, which made me a little sick to my stomach. bossy, controling, overbearing, nothing good enough. i wonder if that's a learn behaviour or if i just ended up there because i was worn and cranky. my "set in my ways" side is starting to come out. can someone please help me figure out how to say "i really like honey garlic sausages best, can you buy some for me please?" without sounding ungrateful and like my partner is a failure? because i don't know what to do with myself, and my attempts are coming out wrong. plus, i don't want to passive aggressively go out and buy some myself behind brendan's back. i love my b, and i want to build him up! not cut him down :S

 

it's hard sharing a computer. it means we're always dooking it out for the mouse.

i've been doing the YFC newsletter for 7 years. i had a chat with bren in the fall about it and she pointed out that i'm doing it out of obligation and not because it's life-giving or enjoyable. i like that bren is constantly bringing the words "life-giving" to my attention, and reminding me that life and it's activities are about more than just going thru the motions. she's not willing to just do something, it needs to have value. anyways, after looking at my commitments i decided that the newsletter was something i could resign from. 7 years is a good tenure, and it's fair for me to move on. so i gave my notice, informing them that the christmas newsletter will be my last. and so now the time has come for me to assemble this final newsletter and it's more painful than usual. i always found the last assignment of the semester to be the hardest. the one that required the greatest amount of endurance. the thing about about the newsletter is that if i don't start on it before 7 it's pretty must pointless to try. and i've found that it usually involves a few false starts. the frustrating thing is that since i didn't finish it last night i'm going to have to miss storytellers tonight.

i like that every time shannon goes home to the soo she writes me these big long emails about her adventures there. it's like i'm her diary. i like it and look forward to her tales of sneakiness.

they cost us next to nothing. and i think they're totally awesome. he's a good cutter :) plus, it was a good excuse to buy beer.

 

i value my mobility.

bridge

for the first time in recent history i'm really loving the snow!!

as a kid i loved the snow.

as a teenager i liked snow on my birthday and christmas, but other than that it was an annoyance. i remember one time there was a snow storm and we couldn't get the car out of the driveway which meant we couldn't get to youth group which meant i couldn't see the boy i liked. i was annoyed.

as a young adult i hated the snow because it meant shoveling and it was cold, it was dangerous, and it happened in the darkest season of the year. all in all winter was depressing.

but now as a sophomore adult, i'm learning to love the snow again. it requires thinking ahead, driving more carefully, dressing appropriately, but none of those things are unbearable. i like the feeling of being cozy instead a building with the snow falling outside and the ground being covered in a layer of white. i like winter accessories. i like how beautiful the world looks during my morning commute.

i feel happy.

last night i worked and worked on my self-created mess. i cleaned and i tidied. i found a place for placeless things. man i feel good about it. i accomplished a lot. awesome. i still need to tackle my desk at some point, but hopefully i'll keep things more tidy from here on in. the spring was so hectic that i'm still just getting around to dealing with the mess created back then. it's funny actually because although i'm not naturally tidy, i really like tidiness. b was surprised to discover this and wondered why this craving for tidy was coming from. i think it's because my mom's house is mega tidy. she grew up in a hotel and her upbringing has never left her. perhaps my upbringing has never left me either. i'm just very cyclical about it and not consistant.

 

it's a narrow margin,
just room enough for regret.

cogwheel

i was hoping to write on saturday, but the day disappeared before i had the chance.

i bought a new winter coat!! it's similar to my other one that was falling apart, but this one is light brown and the other one was black. it feels good to wear, and the lining is intact. it's a little loose on me, which makes me a little self-conscious that its a little unflattering, but i could move the buttons over so it fits more snuggly. i'm quite pleased with it. i got it at value village for 14.99. while i was there i also bought b a tie. i don't know if i've mentioned this before, but brendan owns three shirts, and wears them in an uneven cycle. he feels it keeps his life more simple when he doesn't have to worry about what to wear. i know this about him, and respect his right to choose that life style. i'm kind of excited because ties are the only area of his wardrobe that has a bit of variety, and i'm really tickled with the idea of buying him inexpensive nice ties at V.V. on ocassion. this one was a nice purple which in the store would've cost around $45-$50, and i got it for $4.99! :D i'm pretty excited about that.

what did he need a new tie for you ask? my work christmas party was on saturday! adorned in his new tie, he looked like a million bux. he thought i looked nice too :) it was at the days inn. the food was great (i brought a tupperware for the rest of my steak because i knew it would be too big for me to eat in one shot), and we did some fun people watching. being a couple of introverts we mostly just sat at our table while everyone else mingled. sometimes i thought perhaps i should mingle, but i didn't want to. i found it funny that beside us, was a table of my peers (who i know thru the united way committee) but instead we sat with my workmates who are around twice our ages (give or take). the knickers was there, making me as bonkers as ever, but it was ok, i'm pretty skilled at deflecting her. pictures to follow...

sunday was a nice relaxing day. i did some work on christmas gifts, and unfortuantely left the house in greater disarray than when i started. the ironic part was that i had hoped to do some cleaning/tidying this weekend and instead made it much wors (to brendan's dismay). i've gotts to do something about it tonight. but on the plus side, the gifts are looking great! i knitted so much yesterday that my arms hurt. i rented big bang theory on dvd and watched all 3 discs while working, AND 2 movies. it's good to have something to watch while crafting. although, i fell asleep on the couch with b during the second movie.

sometimes it seems really bizarre that there was a time when brendan and i didn't live together at the maxi pad.

 

you make beautiful things out of the dust.

too

importing my emails into my new account is taking a while but i find it very entertaining. i currently have 5844 new emails.

sometimes i peruse thru them. it's like walking down memory lane. things i forgot about. things i remember fondly. i look at them differently now, like a third party would. i've really been struck by the loveliness and richness of my friendships. i feel very fortunate.

my birthday is in 2 weeks today. i've been pondering what to do to celebrate. for the last 4 years i've had a big celebration inviting people into my home (or last year it was bren's home). i always had a great time. i think i'll try to do the same sort of thing, but in a smaller scale. on average (except for last year - my big 30th celebration) i've had about 15 people in the maxipad. and while that's doable, it's a lot of work. so i think i'll scale it down and try to keep the number to less than 10. this is kind of hard for me, because i really love to be inclusive. it's something i strive to do, inclusivity is in the forefront of my mind. so i appologize if some of you miss out this year, it's not actually a reflection of how much i value our friendship. i do enjoy your company a great deal. i've just go to do something a little more low key :)

i like it when i find things in my house (like cds) that i didn't know i had. i'm not talking about things i forgot i had. but things i plum didn't know i had.

kick back for the afternoon in this fluorescent palace.

toes

i am very excited....

roughly 5 months ago i opened a new gmail account to correspond with my new last name. as much as i felt it was important to have an email address that complied with the name change i was saddened that my email history was gone. and besides that, it was a massive pain to have to switch account to find old files that i needed. BUT i've just discovered that i can import my email email history from my other account!! so i started the process. it said that it could take up to 2 days to complete. so far i'm loving it! i get to see my old emails from 2006 appear in my inbox. so far my favourites are emails from melissa back when we were just becoming friends. i saw one from when i was her spare key person and had gone in while she was away to feed her old cat or something. anyways, i woke in the night afraid i hadn't looked it behind me so at 2 am i drove to her house to make sure the door was locked. hahaha. anyways, i just came across the email i wrote to her explaining my midnight adventure. so funny. i'd totally forgotten about that!

i have 119 new old emails in my inbox, and that's only 2-3 months worth. what a relief it will be to have everything in one spot. i'm so happy that gmail is so clever.

my dad was telling me the other day that the new store "freshco" is totally awesome. he raved about it in a manner true to my family. so i decided to give it a whirl. he said the prices were comparable to food basics, if not better. so i bought a bunch of black plums, among other things. they looked great. picture perfect plums. but i've noticed something over the last week of eating them for my morning snack... they have next to no flavour. they don't taste like anything! it's kind of disappointing. i wonder if they've been enhanced to mature faster which cut out the opportunity to develop their juicey flavour. odd.

 

when you sit right down in the middle of yourself

you're gonna wanna have a comfortable chair.