finite

i decided today that i'm going to create a lesley mcknight graphic design website. i'm very excited about this. i've only done a little web design, and do quite a bit of web maintaining at work, and quite enjoy it. i think having a website to promote my designess will be a big asset. my plan is create something quirky yet elegant, funky yet professional. exciting. i'm encouraged by my ability to come up with plans. i don't always stick with them, i throw them to the wayside frequently but i'm comforted by having a vision for my future.

this is my 6 step plan:
1) go on an awesome vacation this summer
2) pay off my osap in december
3) quit my job, give up apartment, and go somewhere for a chunk of time (maybe 3 to 6 months)
4) when i get back, move in with friends for a stint of communal living
5) get a random job to pay my minimal bills until i can find a job as a graphic designer or get clientele for my own graphic design business
6) after living with friends for a year or so, move to wolfe island (which has been my plan for when i'm 32 for several years now)

actually, i almost feel that creating a professional website would make for a 7th step, but it would go first, so i guess it would be step one.

i'm a little anxious about whether or not i'll find someone to vacation with. seriously, if you have any friends who love to travel and are fun people, please have them call me. in the mean time, i'm going to start looking at trip options, and try not to freak-out.

this time change is killing me. it's really hard falling asleep at night, and even harder getting up in the morning.

i hate money coz it makes me numb.

unrequited

it has been a tumultuous day. emotion after emotion, bad news after bad news, difficult experience after difficult experience. i won't got into all the kicks in the crotch, i'll just tell you the main one. the knickers denied my request for a leave of absence. to say that i'm angry at her doesn't even begin to describe what i'm feeling. to say that i'm upset is an understatement. this trip to scotland was so much bigger to me than a time away from work. and she's a pinhead if she thinks it ends here. i told myself that if she let me go that i would stay with the company another 3 to 5 years, but if she said no, i would leave. so i've formed a makeshift plan for the next 18 months to 3 years of my life. it may not all come to fruition but at least i have hope that i'll some day get to do something other than be trapped in that cubicle.

the first step of my plan involves going somewhere awesome on vacation. i'm thinking either greece or peru. i asked beckie and melissa if they could come with me, but neither of them are able to commit to going, even though they'd love to. so i'm currently looking for a travel companion. i'm |this| close to asking josh if he'd want to go greece with me, but he probably wouldn't be able to get the time off at work. stupid jobs, they're ruining our lives! :p

i wish i had a funny story of tidbit to share with you this evening. but i guess it's not an amusing story kind of day. maybe tomorrow. there's always tomorrow.

i wish. i wish. i wish.

sometimes i wish i wasn't so resilient.

i got the green light,
i got a little fight,
i'm gonna turn this thing around.

woman

well... after an email conversation with rachel (and comments from the peanut gallery – jase), i'm having second thoughts about retiring my cuffs. good thing i have the freedom to do what i feel like, i can change my mind and so on. sometimes when i'm on the fence, i just need one voice telling me to do what i already wanted in order for me to pick a side.

i'm afraid he's going to ruin my life without even knowing it.

this evening i had a sandwich made with mayonaise that was 8 months past it's best before date. for some reason this gives me a sense of invincibility.

it's a crying shame that my hair always looks best right before bed.

sometimes i forget.
and then i'm reminded.
then i forget again.
then i'm reminded again.
then i forget AGAIN.
then i'm reminded AGAIN.

my body is borrowed
i got it on loan
for the time in between my mom and some maggots.

vending machine

i'm really enjoying the green bin that i found at my house when i arrived home from mexico. it's really great. i love how it has the small kitchen container with an easy-lift lid, and that it takes all food waste AND dirty kleenexes. so great! i'm very excited about this.

so.... i think i've arrived at the end of an era. the time has come to retire my black cuffs. i think. it's been 7 years since the first one adorned my wrist. i'm not ready to say that i'll never wear them again, but it's highly likely that i'll go without them most of the time for now on. oh my cuffs, we've had some good times. my old boyfriend matt used to call them my "knife guards" in case someone attacked me – he was very ghetto (even though he was from prince edward county). it probably goes without saying, but the departure of my cuffs feels like the loss of part of my identity. i have no idea what kind of image my cuffs create, they're so a part of me that i don't even notice them, but i'm sure they must create some kind of persona in other people's eyes. and in a way i'm sad to be seen as more "normal" than before. but at least i have my tattoo in my inner wrist so the left one isn't completely naked. to be honest... i thought i'd wear them forever. and there's part of me that wants to, but part of me doesn't. it's time, that's all.

this afternoon i lied on my couch in the sunlight with pekoe and fell asleep while reading. i'm not much of a napper, but my heavy eyelids were too much to fight and i conceeded. i would frequently wake up and feel like i should be doing my dishes, making a casserole to take to work with me (as i had planned to do), write my entry about our outdoor adventure, but i slept on. odd that i would feel guilty about resting on the day of rest.

i was listening to spinal tap on the cbc as i made lunch today, i didn't listen to the whole show, but the first several minutes were very thought provoking. basically he suggested that the invention of the word 'love' as stifled the english language. it's used so broadly that it doesn't really express what we're actually experiencing. and well, it got me wanting to try an experiment where i go two months without using the word 'love', instead i would say adore, enjoy, appreciate, value, cherish, trust, etc. upon thinking about it in a more pragmatic way i concluded that will be very difficult (when dealing with family members for example, it would be too much to explain why i was no longer saying "bye, love ya"). however, it has got me thinking, and i'd like to be more intentional at expressing what something means to me without using the word love. it will be a challenge for sure, but i think it would be valuable, AND probably help me identify WHY i love something or someone. because i adore him, because i admire her, because i enjoy them, because i appreciate that.

you have a pretty name,
pretty like your name.

guilty-pleasure

oh man, i better make this snappy. in tomorrow's time it's 11:42 and i want to get a decent night's sleep. i heard on the news that the loss of sleep from the time change will increase the risk of heart-attacks in the coming week. just a little known fact i'm passing along from me to you.

yesterday when i was at the Y i clipped my ipod to my belly-button. it was awesome :D then when i got home after the Y i discover my thumb ring was not on my thumb. i immediately gasped and yelled out "NOOOOOooooooo!" but got over it and went out today to purchase a new ring. the chances of it being found at the Y are slim. at first it was hard to find something i liked. i went to 4 stores before finding something suitable and reasonably priced. in the end i'm more pleased with my new ring then i was with my old one. it's more bulky. i'm finding the older i get the more bulky i like my accessories.

sometimes i stay at home by myself because i'm too shy to go out and socialize. it's "easier" to stay at home, but it's more enjoyable to have friends. ugh. i wish i was more courageous and didn't require coaxing. sometimes i think i'm too shy to live alone, that left to my own devices i'd just become a recluse. sometimes i suffer from fear of the unknown, or at least a fear of stepping out into the less familar. so instead i stayed home all weekend so far by myself and watched three movies – which i never do (watch that many movies in a 24-hour period). however, i have an interesting tidbit of information for you... believe it or not... both 'nacho libre' and 'the terminal' were based on true events. there really WAS a priest who became a luchador to support orphans, and there really was a man who lived in an airport (for 18 years) because he couldn't enter the country or leave it. anyways, it wasn't a very interesting weekend, but i remind myself that they can't all be exciting weekends and that's ok. the occassional dull relaxing one on a rainy day is nice. i just wish i hadn't eaten junk all day because i kind of feel like ass.

anyways, i should go to bed. it's after midnight in tomorrow's time. maybe tomorrow i'll write about our exciting outdoor adventure in mexico.

i know how things are.

to close, i'd like to share with you my favourite line from nacho libre. too funny...

i know the wrestlers get all the fancy ladies, and the clothes, and the free creams and lotions. but my life is good! really good! i get to wake up every morning, at 5am, and make some soup! it's the best. i love it. i get to lay in a bed, all by myself, all of my life! that's fantastic!

chew

on our first day in mexico, josh was mistaken as my husband. when he responded saying no we weren't honeymooners, the man said "just practicing?" and josh said "yes, just practicing". this started a running joke that we were lovers. the following day we were again mistaken as a couple. on the third day, david was assumed to be my husband which created a rivalry between the two boys. the challenge became who would be mistaken as my husband/partner/lover the most times. it was quite amusing. things especially escalated during our snorkeling excursion when people witnessed me cuddling with both of them. they appeared quite confused. we got a kick out of it.


i think i'm reaching a point where i'm no longer overwhelmed by people. spending a week straight with friends 24/7 was good for me. i think it broke down a barrier in my mind where i no longer see "alone time" as my only "down time". melissa came over for a visit tonight and it was such a pleasure to have her company. i appreciate that she worries about me, i'm not always very good at watching out for myself – i'm too rash.

lift me up
higher now

peso

david loved his scarf.

eggplant

reality hits hard and plays dirty. but it also underestimates me – i have more fight in me than it knows.

upon arriving at work today, i noticed all the flags were at half-mass. i went inside and asked "who died?" thinking it was a friend or family member of an employee (last time the flags were at half-mass it was because the son of a staff member had been killed in afghanistan). but no, it was this bubbly/friendly 35-year-old administrative assistant. she worked closely with carpooler paul. she died of a blood-clot in her lung on sunday.

this afternoon i approached the knickers about my desire to take a 2 month leave of absence. it did not go over very well at all, but i stood my ground, and eventually she said she'd think about it and we'd talk about it more. at one point she actually said her answer was no, but i kept pleading my case, and the conversation ended in smiles. if nothing else, i'm proud of myself of actually doing it. it proved to me how important to me it really is, and what i'm willing to endure when something matters. i knew it had to be done when i got back from mexico, but i didn't let myself think about it. i pulled a scarlett o'hara and kept telling myself "i won't think about that now, i'll think about it tomorrow". it worked pretty well, i didn't spend my whole vacation fretting about something beyond my control. i like the idea of forcing thoughts out of my head, i think i'll do that more, it helps me live in the moment better.

after grocery shopping this evening i went to the butlers to meet little tigerlily. that made me so happy :)

i miss mexico though. and thought a lot about it. romolo and silvia are still there :S that's like salt in my wound – just kidding. oh the lazy river... how i miss thee.

i just can't take it,
no i don't think i'll make it,
there's too much at stake and i can't abide.
no i just can't fake it,
know that my heart is aching,
it would be a mistake for the sake of my pride.

stories from the road...

david and i went into old villarta for a few hours of adventure. it was beautiful and very mexican. we wandered, we bartered, we ate gelato. when the time came to return to the grand mayan resort, we hailed a taxi and hopped in. the small streets were active and full of people. the cabbie manuvered easily, multi-tasking as he shuffled thru his playlist. david and i sat closely in the backseat, my arm propped against the door to brace me from flopping side to side. it was hot, but the open windows blew in a gentle breeze. we drove thru the roughest parts of the city with "bad boys" blaring thru the speakers. "bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do. whatcha gonna do when they come for you". palm trees, derelict houses, moutains, yellow taxi, warm body next to me. i was fully immersed in that moment. the sights, sounds, smells. it made me smile from deep inside. no place i'd rather be.

deuce

hola!!!

i'm home from mexico :D i don't even know where to start...

basically, the trip was... great beautiful affectionate bonding giggly perfect. i had a really awesome time. i totally love mexico. but not only that, i enjoyed the company of my friends a great deal. i was so thrilled that we all got along so well and our personalities mixed so nicely. i'd never met josh before, he's a long-time friend of david's, but we hit it off and were almost instant friends. although, i pretty much expected that since gay men and i get along like a house on fire. he's super funny and one night he made me laugh so hard that i threw-up.

we stayed at the grand mayan. it's a beautiful and luxurious resort in nuevo villarta. it was right on the ocean with amazing connecting pools. our suite had a kitchen which allowed us to cook most of our meals when we weren't eating out with the raponis (romolo and silvia). i have to admit, it took some time for me to get used to having some grown-ups around, but they're lovely and generous people, and i eventually felt quite comfortable with them. romolo likes to tease me just so he can see me blush. we really didn't spend that much time with them, they were staying at a different resort. we made some nice meals, and everyone was very accommodating to the fact that i gave up meat for lent. which was very kind and considerate of them.

for the first few days we lounged around by the pools, swam in the ocean, played frisbee on the beach, read books, got sunburns and drinks at the poolbar. very chilled.

on tuesday evening david and i ventured into old villarta for some exploring. it was quite handy that italian and spanish are so similar and he was able to communicate with them. i quickly fell in love with that town and was struck by the fact that i equally loved the resort, it made me torn on where i wanted to spend my time. i think i've loved every place that i've travelled to.

on wednesday, cas, matt, david and i got swedish massages, which was incredibly relaxing.

on thursday, we went to a mexican fiesta on the beach, it was a buffet and had mexican entertainment. it was pretty neat.

on friday, cas, matt, david, and i went on an outdoor adventure, while josh stayed at the grand mayan and ended up witnessing a sea-turtle lay eggs. very cool. i'll tell you more about the outdoor adventure later, it was very cool and a real highlight.

on saturday, we went into old villarta for lunch with the raponis at an italian restaurant, then ventured around town quite a bit. in the evening we swam in the pacific at sunset. the waves were super-strong, and the under-tow was equally so. cas and i were a little bit nervous about the boys swimming so far out. when cas and matt went back to the beach, david, josh and i went skinny dipping. the waves got even stronger and i swear skinning dipping in the ocean almost killed me. it was scary at times, and extra difficult because i was attempting to put my bikini back on. i managed to get a really sore sand-burn on my back from one of the waves that took me out.

on sunday, josh, david and i went on a snorkeling expedition while cas & matt enjoyed the last day by the pool.

we played board-games, laid in intertubes which swept us along the lazy river every day, ate trix, did crossword-puzzles, developed inside jokes.

this is probably my favourite photo of my 4 wonderful friends.

i've never felt so much like a beach bum in all my life. my hair was almost always wet, i'm quite tanned, and my freckles emerged in the sunlight within the first 24 hours. i almost don't want them to go away.

one thing i learned about myself while on this trip is that when i'm nervous, anxious, scared, or feeling vulnerable i need to be touched. don't get me wrong, i felt very safe in mexico (even though we regularly passed military men with machine guns), it was different stuff that i won't get into. anyways, it was interesting for me to realize this about myself, and now that i understand it, i can look back on my life and see times when i cuddled or placed my hand on someone simply for emotional-support.

i tried to upload photos onto facebook this afternoon several times, but it didn't work. i'll try again tomorrow. i'm excited for you all to see my photos. i was thinking that i didn't really take that many because i kept forgetting my camera in the room, but it turns out i have 98 pictures. haha. but i want to get everyone elses too because they got some really nice pix.

i'm a tiny bit worried that it'll be hard to go back to living alone after enjoying the company of friends for a week straight. but i'm going to try my best to connect with friends so that i don't feel lonely. i already went to bren's this afternoon, and i'm going to shannon's in 10 minutes. on the way home from bren's i was FREEZING, as i stood on the street corner i thought "i was in mexico yesterday". it's kind of sad, but mostly bittersweet. it was an amazing trip :)

the sun's so hot i forgot to go home.

glimpse

well... it only took me 4 hours but i FINALLY got finished packing. i really didn't expect it to take that long, but i'm pleased because i'm fairly on top of things. in order for me to be organized it requires a lot of lists. i really like scratching stuff off a to-do list. i actually feel so ahead of the game that i might end up sitting around for a few hours tomorrow waiting to hit the road.

i haven't much to say really, except i'm really happy to be going on a trip and very happy about traveling with friends. i love group bonding, or just friend bonding. basically, i love good company and enjoy connecting a great deal.

i'll be back on march 2. it's nice that i'm going to some place tropical and don't have to fear that a snowstorm will leave me stranded for 4 extra days :)

i wonder if sarah will have her baby while i'm away...

hey... do you remember the moment that you realized the refrigerator light did not stay on all the time? that it turned off when the door closed? i do. maybe that's not a discovery everyone has to make, maybe some people just instinctively know that, while others don't. interesting thought.

my brain and my tongue just met.

skeleton

shannon and i concluded tonight that it appears as though my dreads are loosening up and in some cases coming out of dread completely. so when i got home from our visit at the goat i got out my comb to backcombed and tie knots in each dread. in hindsight i haven't been as diligent at maintaining it as perhaps i should've been. i'm not used to having to style my hair. but it looks good, ironically it looks "dreadful" again :)

so i'm super excited because we're going to mexico on sunday, cas & matt and i are actually driving up to the GTA on saturday. i found out today that david's parents are coming to mexico with us. which is totally bizarre and kind of hilarious. they're not vacationing with us, but they'll be at the same resort and on the same flight. shannon and i joked about me sitting between mama and papa raponi in the limo/van on the way to the airport. i suppose if they're gonna be there i might as well embrace it. all adult-supervision aside, i think it's going to be an amazing trip. i've even been having a hard time concentrating at work these past few days because i'm so ready to go. it's going to be 33 degrees when we land in puerto villarta in 3 days :D a welcome change from the crappy weather i walked in at lunch-time today.

i realized something today. that not only am i someone who doesn't have her crap together, i'm also someone who doesn't WANT her crap together. i like to have my crap scattered all over the place – strewn everywhere. all the more reason not to be intimidated by people who appear to have it more together than me, because i like being disheveled.

if thats what it takes, then don't let it tear us apart
even if it breaks your heart.

duotang

i don't know how i expected to feel. nor do i know why i felt the way i did. or even if i can identify what i felt. all i know is that although it was impending, it still hit me in the face with the intensity of a belly-flop, and stung for several hours afterward.

i want to be more comfortable with my non-physical naked-self. i'm pretty comfortable with myself, but not when standing beside someone else. it's less about the other person than it is about me. no one compares me as much as i compare myself :S

always crashing to the ground,
always from the same height,
always falling down.

rather

errands overwhelm me. even being in the car while doing errands is unnerving. but i had some errands to run for my trip to mexico and i knew i'd feel more on top of things once getting that stuff done. so i made a list, braced myself, set out, and managed to do everything while remaining calm and chilled. and that makes me EXTRA pleased :) everything feels tackleable these days. i swear it's because i've gotten my house cleaned, everything's just a mole hill, and those don't scare me....

i bought this ipod wall-charger so i can charge my ipod while on trips. i'm excited about this, i think i'll probably use it a lot, maybe even keep it at work for when my charge gets low when i'm there.

i laughed when i read it. i laughed outloud with great mirth. but when my laughter stopped i felt nauseous. and heart-broken all over again.

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead
working for the man,
and generally i agree with them
trouble is you gotta have yourself
an alternate plan.

orange

i've had a beautiful and lovely day. i slept until 12:30, got out of bed at 1:15 and have enjoyed a day of reading a good book. it's been nice.

i got talking last night at living room about why i hate dating. it's terribly monotonous to have to tell the same life stories over and over again. to explain how i came to be here, what i do for a living, what makes me tick, repeatedly is so boring. and i hate doing it. even with guys i really like, it's incredibly dull, but i suppose that's because i would much rather hear about them. i realize that i don't have to indulge every detail, and i don't, but when you've dated as much as i have, even the basics are a nuisance to re-report. my dating life can be broken-down into two categories: pre and post. in the pre-years, i had many long-lasting serious relationships. in the post-years, i've had a series of crushes and near-misses. this might come as a surprise to you, but on average i meet 3 guys a year. last year i met 4 if you count my crush on yet another gay guy, 5 if you count that other guy. anyways... oh dear, i've forgotten what my point is, so i'll digress further; an average of 3 a year probably seems high coming from a girl who can be quoted with saying "there are no men" – usually i find them unsuitable, or they find me unsuitable, or like in one case, we both found each other unsuitable. i guess what i'm saying is, that i don't want to invest myself in men who aren't going to be around, to tell them my story only have to tell it again to someone else. i enjoy my friendships, and the community i have the pleasure of being a part of. and hope i will continue to delight in meeting new people, even when i'm old and full of days.

i could use more guy friends though, but not if it's going to be complicated. boys are fun, sometimes much funner than girls, and i miss that from the pre-days. that being said, just i'll go back to reading my book and think about how i wish i had a guy friend like don miller. i think someone like that would be real value added.

i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome,
alone in my way.

playlist

i've heard it said that there are two kinds of people in the world. 1) the "i must do something about this" person, and 2) the "why isn't anyone doing anything about this" person. i remember being at an airport once, and a piece of luggage got caught on the conveyor belt, and we all stood around waiting for the closest person to move it. something had to be done, but clearly the closest person was not a "i must do something...." person. eventually, after everyone stood around looking at the closest guy, and it appeared as though no one else was going to do anything, he finally walked over and dislodged the suitcase. there are some people who are definitely doers, and other people who definitely hold-back waiting for the doers. it's not bad to be a waiter, if everyone was a doer a lot of conflict would arise. i'm both a doer and a waiter. when i'm with a more dominant person, i'm content to go along with them. and when i'm with someone who's more inclined to watch or wait, i'm fairly comfortable making an action plan, but it's not my first instinct. i remember being in NYC with melody when we were 20. she'd lived there before and was pretty familiar with the subway system etc. but she's also a strong personality, and i loved being with her because she'd just boss me around and i was content to go along with her. another person who's like that is sarah, she says "do this!" and i say "OK!". i get by fairly well on my own without direction, i take initiative and get stuff done, but sometimes i get tired and just want someone to come up with a game plan. there are other times when i repeatedly go along with one person or another, that i begin to feel that my compliant nature is working against me. that the other person has stopped considering my feelings or opinions because i've been so accommodating, then i begin to feel resentful and hurt. i'm currently in the process of trying to figure out how to assert myself before reaching the state when i begin to feel bulldozed. while living in toronto, i learned a philosophy from my housemate that i should let go of the things that didn't matter to me so i could fight for the things that did. it was a valuable lesson to learn, and i live true to it. the problem i've discovered is that very little of the details are worth fighting for, but being compliant has lead to me unequal relationships where i'm left feeling small. it's all my perception, no one is actually thinking i'm less important than they are, but if making myself heard makes me feel like a more active participant then i need to live louder. it quenches who i am to live so passively.

honey's been eating well, and behaving more like her normal self. i'm hoping she'll soon gain back some weight i'll be able to determine what the problem was. i'm suspicious that she just can't eat the hard-food for whatever reason and as a result hasn't been eating, and therefore starving. there's no doubt in my mind she was on her way to dying, so i'm also relieved that i came up with a solution, and that i have the smarts to problem-solve.

i hate it when you keep secrets from me. let's never do that again.

the best part of days-off is knowing the night before that i don't have to go to work the next day. simply knowing that makes me feel SO much more free. liberated.

everything i love is ugly
i mean really, you would be amazed.

do not use this product as a toy, pillow or floation device.

i got my bikini-line waxed this afternoon. it was fun! well... at least funny. the lady took me into a room and told me to lie down on the table, then left. i wasn't sure what to do or if i should remove my pants, so i just lied down. several minutes later she returned and told me to move right up to the top, then pulled this light/magnifying glass down towards my face. i wasn't sure what was going on, but i'd never had my bikini waxed before, so was being compliant. thankfully, at that point she said "so... we're just fixing up your eyebrows a little?" and i said "no... i'm getting my bikini waxed". she said "OH! well then. you're in the wrong room" then took me down the hall. i was relieved that i had not removed my pants like i had considered doing, that would've been super awkward. when i finally was in the right place, the waxing went smoothly. it didn't really hurt very much. it just stung for a second or two, then it was fine. she was fast. all in all my first waxing experience was un-tramatic and i would do it again.

there's something wrong with honey. she's very sick and quite likely dying if she doesn't start eating again. i was cuddling her last night and found she was smaller than usual, when i put her down i petted her back and discovered she's all skin & bones. i hadn't noticed she'd lost weight, but her back is all jaggy spine. throughout the day i've been trying to feed her wet food, but she just licks at it, i couldn't get her to drink any water, but she is now so that's good. i'm scared and upset. i feel frustrated and sad, she's only two. i will feel angry if she dies. i don't understand why my life has to contain such things so frequently. why can't i just be a regular person who has one pet for 10 years. but i guess it's just the way it goes, and isn't some kind of curse or pattern. and i shouldn't frame my circumstances that way. basically... i don't want her to die or be very sick. i want her to get better, to just be better. pekoe's fine, and a little oblivious that she's not well and keeps picking on her. i hope things take a turn for the better or i'll have to take her to the vet on tuesday. i'm going to mexico in a week, and i'd hate to leave my dad responsible for a sick kitty. he's already had several fish die on him when he's been pet-sitting them, he would be very upset if anything happened to the little missy under his care.

squint your eyes and look closer,
i'm not between you and your ambition.

-------------------------------------------------
adendum: i blended up some wet food (because she finds chunks hard to chew) and honey's been eating it for about 20 minutes straight! i'm encouraged by this act of vigor and interest in food.

box

i've been thinking a lot lately about all that's outside of my control. and basically i concluded that pretty much included everything. it probably goes without saying that that bothers me. gen encouraged me to find one thing that i can change and i did. i abandoned my plans for this evening so that i could tackle the mess of home i reside in. which meant i didn't go to the Y. david asked me "can't you go to the Y and clean your house?" and the simple answer is "no". it's unfortunate, and also a little pathetic that even though i spent the entire evening working on the maxipad i still only got half-done. HOWEVER, it was a crucial half. i found a shelf unit in my storage space that i fixed up and placed in the kitchen and moved the dishwasher out of there. it looks great, and i feel like i've drastically increase my kitchen real-estate. i'm gonna post a picture so i have someone to share this achievement with (i don't have people over very often...). oh my goodness, i can't even express what a relief it is to me to have that room cleaned up. AND i got my clothes back from the laundomat, AND i put out the garbage. so i'm doing ok. i fall down a lot, but i usually get up again pretty quickly because i don't want to take life lying down, so i keep trying. i like to consider myself resilient, it sounds more sustainable. it'll still be a few more days before i'm thru this pms episode, but at least i'm taking back the power. i really need to work hard at staying on top of things.

AND i bought a new book today. when i walked out of the church book room i realized that i'd gone and picked a book independent from my book suggestion list – they're all great suggestions and i look forward to reading them. thanks for your help! but i just really needed to read some donald miller. i would've liked a chance to read it tonight, but i didn't have time. however, if i log-off right now, i might be able to squeeze in a few minutes.

i know that there's no grand plan here,
this is just the way it goes.

hostage

this evening bren and i went to see the reader. as per usual we had no idea what it was about. we both loved it. it was a beautiful film. so lovely. truly beautiful. it's so satisfying to see a great movie.

i decided today that i will never own a white, grey, or blue-grey colour car (like the erbs' – even though it's a really nice colour) because they are impossible to see in the fog. and sometimes girls in red crvs accidentally back into them in parking lots. i was so upset and my heart was racing. then i felt angry and i remembered when rach equated anger with guilt the other day, and i totally agreed. there was no damage though, so it's ok. PHEW!

sometimes believing in God feels like being in a dysfunctional marriage. other times it's like a honeymoon.

i'm pmsing right now. i need to take extra care of myself because i'm super fragile. one of these days i might get up the energy to clean my apartment. then peace will reign supreme in my head and home. one of these days. but not this day. i need to get some rest.

during my lunch time walk "talk" the thin white duke remix of the coldplay song came on my ipod. it was a perfect reflection of how i'm feeling right now.

just because i'm losing doesn't mean i'm lost.

power

i think that there's something broken inside of me.

i feel just like i'm some great big disease.

sanctuary

guess what i found out today? i have a learning disability. i won't go into how i discovered this, but dave young explained that being dyslexic with numbers is called dyscalculia. he has it too and pieced it together when i said i get things like 78 and 87 confused. other symptoms include difficulty mentally estimating the measurement of distance or an object. inability to comprehend financial planning, and difficulty with conceptualizing time and judging the passing of time. there are other things i don't have, but those ones are definite challenges for me. i have to tell you, it's a relief to find this out. when i was a kid i was tested for learning disabilities, but the results were inconclusive. and it turns out that this dyscalculia is rare, so i imagine quite uncommonly diagnosed. it's such a relief to realize that i'm not just stupid. in light of this, i won't use it as an excuse for bad behaviour – lateness or whatever. instead, it will help me understand that i must live in the world a little differently. i'll have to be more careful when i try to estimate how long a task will take – i'd already caught-on to the fact that i'm poor at time management, but this gives me incentive to try to find ways of coping with it better.

i chatted with this old lady at special meals today. it was really nice. she had interesting stories, and it made me imagine what it will be like to be old. oddly enough, she was probably the first elderly person i've talked to in YEARS. i last saw my grandma in 2005, she lived in the UK and other than her, i haven't had many elderly people in my life. i wanted to hear all her stories. find out how her life has been. i look forward to hearing about the lives of my old lady friends when i'm an old lady. there was a man there who comes on a regular basis who has thick dreads (he's probably in his 40s or something), he's super nice. andrew thought he noticed my hair right away and that it made him like me more than the others. people are fascinating. sometimes i wish there wasn't so much politics and we could all just know each other. life would be so much easier.

al suggested i give melissa up for lent. he figured i should give up something that would be hard to live without. she didn't quite jive with his logic because it would mean she'd have to give me up too.

when you lose something you cannot replace.

volcanos

i was listening to GO on cbc this morning. it was all about books. contest nanna came on and started talking about canada writes. i'd heard of it before, i'd even possibly been to the website because i knew there was a blog category, but all of a sudden i felt like i should submit something. i DO have a blog and all. so at first i hunted thru my archives looking for something suitable. when i did, i made some modifications, then went to submit it, but quickly discovered they will not accept entries that have previously published online. SO i had to write something fresh. it turned out to be relatively easy, i had some fresh material. last night i went on a roadtrip to peterborough with al & bren. why, you ask? well... aside from the pleasure of their company we were going to meet up with a few guys to talk about hatch, and it's future. the meeting went well and was also pretty fun. unfortunately... i can't really divulge much about it because i already sent a 200 word piece to canada writes. i have to admit, i think it's pretty solid. a gem of a blog entry. i sent it to bren and she too really liked it. i don't particularly expect to qualify, but obviously that would be pretty rad. i'm sure there's loads of stiff competition. BUT it's yet another thing i've never done before, and that makes me happy. it's also kind of neat submitting something for official review.

those bright shiny lights,
they be shining so bright.
they’re casting a shadow
on all the simple things you used to own.
they’re casting a shadow,
what a sorrowful sight.

fixated

i'm cold. i'm cold. i'm so cold.

tonight's episode of grey's implied that not getting hugged enough increases stress. no wonder i have anxiety problems.

last night we had the hatch folding party and got them all done. it's pretty remarkable considering this time last week the layout wasn't complete yet. i took them all to work with me, and at the end of the day i stayed to trim them all on our guillotine machine. i didn't get out of there until 7:20. i was exhausted. i'm always amazed at how long things like that take. i don't mind doing it, but i was just too tired to go to the Y which means my work-out schedule for the week was a failure. anyways, the knickers noticed me with the box of hatches, and when she saw them she seemed excited that we'd done another one. she'd asked me for one last time but never commented on it so i didn't know what she thought. but seeing the new edition seemed to trig her memory and she told me that my piece last time was really good. i offered her a copy of this edition and she took it gladly! she told me "maybe i'll have to get you to start writing the brochures!" that would never happen, but it was quite a nice compliment. when i got home i was so pooped that i loafed on the couch and watched "big bang theory" for the first time. i quite liked it.

sometimes seeing those pictures makes my heart contract. they squeeze my heart and make me hurt a little.

i love that i'm finally learning to use a filter. relieved really. it's unfortunate that i learn the hard way, and that it's my cynicism that keeps me from opening my yap instead of good sense.

it's garbage night, but it's too freaking cold to put out the trash. so yet another week will go by with my garbage can and recycling overflowing.

i feel like such a freak.

i'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do
i'm not saying that i'm a saint
i just don't want to live that way

sophisticated

so it seems that francisco has skipped town without buying me lunch. "conveniently" he was "spontaneously" sent to mexico on business. i was told he was cheap, but that seems a little extreme. i'll have go nab him before i go on vacation, i will collect on my prize.

a couple weeks ago at living room our ice breaker question was "what do you own that you wish you didn't?" my item was my dishwasher. it doesn't work as well as i'd like, and therefore i never use it. it's a counter-top dishwasher taking up space and is often mistaken for a large microwave. jonathan asked me why i don't just get rid of it, which has got me wondering why i don't. and have thus decided to put it into storage, BUT not until i find something to replace it in the kitchen. i use it as another surface top and keep things on it. so i've decided to find some kind of thin book shelf (probably about 6 to 8 inches in depth, but about 3 to 4 ft wide) to use as a substitute. preferably something wooden. yes, i think that will look quite nice.

and i wanna fly,
and never come down,
and live my life,
and have friends around.

caspian

well... knickers' first reaction to my hair was "ewwww, i would NOT want to put my fingers thru your hair". but then later in the day she had all kinds of questions and didn't seem as disgusted. so i think my dreads are growing on her. tomorrow i'll wear it down so they can get a better look – i had it up in a ponytail to be more subtle. frank pointed them out with a twinkle in his eye, i think he found them amusing at the very least. for the most part, no one commented at all, i'm somewhat convinced most of the men didn't even notice there was something different about me. i'm relieved it seems to be such a non-issue, and it makes me even more glad that i decided to do it.

oddly enough, i won the superbowl pool at work :S i know. it's totally weird, especially since i didn't and have never watched a game. but i got a little bit of help from dave b – he gave an almost perfect prediction which won me a free lunch with francisco. i almost feel guilty for taking first place when all i did was have the smarts to ask someone intelligent. however, i'll enjoy the victory as it doesn't happen very often, and i'm sure i'll enjoy my free lunch too. i'm not one to turn down free food.

i got an email from helen today telling me that they miss me because there's no one with my unique brand of spunk and groundedness in TO. i thought that was nice. kind words are like oil in my lamp. i miss t&h too, i'm gonna have to figure out a way to visit them, i next to never go to toronto, but that's probably just because i'm lazy or poor at planning without purpose.

you taste so sweet
when you are so free.

toothy

despite what we thought, you actually made an impression on me. a greater one than we realized. i can feel it in your absence – like a hand-print in wet cement.

i'm slowly adjusting to my dreadlocks. i think they're a bigger adjustment for me than they are for the people who have to look at me. i'm accustomed to seeing myself with very smooth and silky hair, this new do is quite foreign. but i like it, i like the different ways of wearing it. right now it's pulled back into a high ponytail, and i must admit it really does suit me – even more than my natural hair-style. i don't expect it will be an easy sell at work tomorrow, my job was the biggest barrier for me to overcome in my decision to get dreads. but i've gotten over it, it's just the initial reaction that i'm dreading (haha, dreading). my family i'm not concerned about, they're less opinionated and know me better. my dad told me the other day that he approached a woman at the library and said "by any chance are you an artist?" and she said "as a matter of fact, i am! why do you ask?" he told her "you look like an artist. my daughter is the same way". i don't expect my workplace to find it as charming. BUT they might surprise me. i know the most significant misconception (hygiene) will be an important one to clear up. so let me tell you also, yes i will continue to wash my hair as regularly as before, i just have to use a different kind of shampoo and no conditioner. the shampoo is cool, it's just a bar and i rub it all over my head, i like it a lot. so far reception to my hair has been very positive, but i'm sure all those who hate it just keep their mouths shut. hopefully my colleagues will have the same sense to remain silent.

oddly enough, the more time passes the more it feels like that never happened. it was just a dream.

there's a lot i want to say. but am finding they are things reserved for one person and not for everyone. sometimes we don't get the opportunity.

celebrate your dreams when you are away.

sinnerman

believe it or not... but i actually took the plunge and got dreadlocks – in spite of my hesitation.


i went to rachel's place around 4:20 pm, we got started around 4:40 pm and we finished at around 12:15 am. we did very well considering we stopped for about an hour for dinner. the team of dreaders included rach, jill and shannon. they all did a fantastic job. they each have their own signature style, and i love that my hair bears testiment to that. how it works is they use a flea comb to backcomb into a dread then palm roll it. it's very time consuming. but was really fun, we just chatted and listened to music, and i read the kids stories while they were still awake. i particularly enjoyed getting to know jill better. they all think it looks fantastic (particularly because my hair is so long), and jason said it looks good too. they think it really suits me. jase said that my regular hair isn't crazy enough for my personality, but my dreads are a little closer. right now they're super poofy, so i tied them back into pigtails for this photo. i look pretty tired, because i am. you might be able to tell in the above photo that i've put wooden beads on several of the strands, it's pretty exciting :) you might also be able to see that i left the bangs area undreaded. the photo below is the mighty girls at work, i've promised them all that i will return the favour.

right now i don't know how long i'll have them for. i'm thinking 6 months. definitely not more than a year because i want to comb them out and if it's over a year that will be next to impossible to do. i would never have done it if it meant shaving my head, so rest assured all you people freaking out about my long smooth locks, they have not been destroyed.

put on a smile,
breathe it in,
and breathe it out.

------------------------
addendum:
in the morning...

beads

EVERYONE! please send me your book suggestions. i need a few good ones to take with me to mexico, and could use many suggestions for my "to read" list. comment or email me your favourite books, or books you really enjoyed and think i would like. i'll read pretty much anything if it's well written – except i'm not a fan of scary. 

your help is appreciated.

the seasons have changed and so have we.

knotty

i'm really digging this going to bed on time thing. it's awesome.

my house is covered in very sharp icicles. sometimes i wonder if one might fall when i'm right underneath it, that would not be good.

my dad took me out for dinner tonight. it'd been a while since i saw him. i like my dad, we talked about books and foreign films. i couldn't help but notice how similar his fingers are to mine. sometimes it's like i was adopted and am surprised to discover that i have the same physical traits as someone else.

it seems to me that bad news provides more fuel for conversation that good news. sometimes good news is a conversation killer. that's probably why newspapers are filled with tragedy and scandal. not because there's more bad in the world than good, but because there's just nothing to say about good things. it's kind of sad really.

we're not the same, dear, as we used to be.

delayed

bren and i went to see doubt tonight at the screening room. it was very good and effective at accomplishing what it sets out to do. and for the record, some nuns DO wear wedding rings :)

i feel as though i'm slowly getting back on top of things after who knows how long. i actually shoveled by walkway today. yesterday i put away all my clothes, this evening i did all my dishes. these are important steps to me feeling no longer overwhelmed. maybe tomorrow i'll vacuum.

tim gave me the latest death cab for cutie album for christmas. it's a great album, and what i love about it that over the course of the last month almost every song has been relevant. even the songs that at first i couldn't relate to, i now do. it is the most life-cohesive cd i have ever own.

i purchased the lonely planet for puerto villarta, i had to order it and was able to pick it up after work. i'll be in mexico in one month! i'm excited, and this new lonely planet book will make for good perusing.

oh, look at the time. i need to get into my single bed now. sorry if i didn't get the chance to respond to your emails yet, it was not a very email-friendly day.

i've still got miles to go.

rush

have you ever been suspicious that every man you've ever liked is actually gay? just throwing that out there. it's probably unlikely for most people, but i love gay men :)

speaking of gay men... i went and saw gentlemen reg tonight at the apple crisp concert series. he was great. it was neat because apple crisp has had to change venues because the church basement they were using is no longer available, so they've started using next. i didn't have anyone to go with to the concert, but since it was at next i felt comfortable going by myself and assumed i'd bump into some people i know. and i was right. as soon as i started looking for a seat lyon called out my name and i sat with him and tracy. later garry came along and joined us. next is a great concert venue, for smaller bands. it's warm and intimate. it was funny when kevin pointed out the star wars space ship and the crazy piggy bank that live on top of the speakers. he found them hilarious. it was interesting to me how accustomed i am to the oddities of next, plus i realized after that he probably didn't realize i'm a member of that church. it's never really come up before.

WELL, last night i went to bed super early and it rocked (the casbah). i was able to get up without hitting the snooze button 3 or 4 times, and actually got to work 15 minutes EARLY! this leads me to believe that going to bed at an appropriate time enables me to get up on time, which means i can arrive at work at the expected time. how ingenious.

would you want to see
if seeing meant that you would have to believe?

nike

sometimes life makes me want to throw-up. and other times it sets my feet a dancing.

this evening at the Y i heard a girl telling her friends how she wishes she was born in 1979. that would've been her ideal year so she could've experienced the 80s more. it made me smirk secretly. it was nice to hear my year of birth being envied. it is a pretty awesome year to be birthed.

i've been tracking my dreams – looking up their meaning on the internet ever since that llama dream i had last week. it's been VERY illuminating. there's a reoccurring theme of me feeling overwhelmed, overly worried, etc. i need to find a better way to cope. i don't know what to do to help me feel more centred and grounded. i don't know what other people do who work full time and have busy social lives. the maxi pad is a total mess right now because i don't have time to tidy, nor do i have the interest when i actually do have some free time. i'm a little frustrated that i haven't learned balance yet. all i know is that when my dreams are trying to tell me that i'm overwhelmed than i've definitely taken on too much. they don't ALL tell me that i'm overwhelmed, they tell me other inner fears too. i kind of wish they'd tell me something uplifting for a change. mind you, i've only been tracking them for a week, so maybe tonight's the night!

it hurts a little. i'm aching.

i'm pretty sure i was about to fall asleep in relaxation part of yoga class tonight. i'll take that as my cue to go to bed asap. sayonara.

convince me that the truth is always grey.

boomerang

i'll give it to you straight and say that i woke up very grumpy this morning. no particular reason, i just assume my alarm went off during REM sleep or something. my grumpiness quickly morphed into me simply feeling sore in every way except for physically. church was fine, lunch with my family was fine (except my mom randomly invited a guest to join us, so we weren't able to have a real family conversation – joy & i were disappointed about that), then i came home and spent the afternoon in a funk. i knew tonight was tracy's austraila day party, but i felt so grumpy and sore inside that all i wanted to do was curl up into a ball in the dark. i waffled back and forth, trying to decide if i should stay or should i go, and eventually decided to make an appearance, but not to shy away from telling them i was feeling low. nothing to be alarmed about, just having one of those days. BUT, in the end, i had a very nice time. actually, simply walking there in the cold and the dark was invigorating. i plunkered-down in one spot and talked with the different people who sat the the seats beside me. it was kind of nice to chat with people i rarely cross paths with. i'm glad i went. although, the alternative probably would've been ok too.

last night i went to the banff film festival with mike & bren. it was a good time, and the films were well done. the most unexpected part of the evening was when someone started calling for the lights because a woman had collapsed or something, and we had to wait around for 20 minutes until the paramedics took her away. oddly enough, melissa was sitting right behind the woman. crazy!! mike & bren commented on the very granola crowd. i concur. it's given me heart pangs because i can't get dreads even tho i desperately want them. it's not the dreads that give me pangs, it's the reason why that hurts so badly.

well, i'm going to get ready for bed now so that i'm not inexcusably grumpy tomorrow.

what would you ask if you had just one question?

smooth

con•nec•tion: a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else.

i feel connected to you. to her. with him. with them.
i don't connect with that, her, him or them.

how is that? what makes people connect? doesn't simply talking, spending time together, being friends, sharing ideas make us connected? and yet it doesn't. some connections are instantaneous, others come over time. sometimes people are bonded together thru trial or experience. sometimes happenstance or circumstance can break what was once strongly bonded. sometimes connection is just slowly lost over time, just as others slowly grow.

i think one of the most puzzling things about connection, is that it's not a two-way street. there've been many times that i have felt a strong connection with someone, but they didn't feel it with me. likewise, i've had many people feel connected to me, while i didn't feel connected to them at all. there's a lot of things at play – a lot of balls in the air. timing, stage of life, place in life, fullness of life, fullness of headspace, these are all factors. it's kind of like a door with multiple locks, each connection is like an engaged lock. the more secure locks the more connected two people are.

when i was a teenager, i had this friend with whom i had a strong connection, we were able to know what the other person was thinking just by locking eyes for a split second. and yet, there were many other ways (world view, personal style, certain values, interests, physical attraction) where we did not connect, so i decided against dating him and we eventually grew apart. i didn't realize that we were even connected in a unique way until i came across someone who DIDN'T know what i was thinking by linking looks. i still stand by my decision to remain just friends with him, but i miss our friendship. however, he totally did not get me, and i don't miss that at all.

sometimes trying to connect with someone is like trying to put on a shoe that's 2 sizes too small. it feels forced and very uncomfortable. but the thing is, i long to have connections with all i interact with. but it seems that's not possible and i don't know what to do. i can't just cut out certain people because we don't connect. i always hang-on hoping a bond will grow or regrow against the odds. but i suppose feeling a deep connection is not essential for some people, or maybe they've never felt truly connected to someone before so they don't know what's missing.

all i know is that i'm far from perfect, and i can't be as great of a friend to everyone as i'd like to be. i wish that some friendships came much more naturally. that the connection was instantaneous and long lasting. but i suppose knowing that true connections are unique, and can take time to develop makes them all the more cherishable. i think i've been spoiled with strong connections throughout my life and that's ruined me a little bit. even now, i have great friends and great connections, and for that i'm very thankful.

in the silence; it became so very clear
that you had long ago disappeared.

suzuki

it's the equivalent of him saying "he almost got his right leg cut off, like a million times" meanwhile i'm sitting there with only one leg. it's hard to feel sorry for the two legged person who lets a flesh wound paralyze him.

who am i?
somebody just tell me that much.

bongo

this evening we gathered at the erbs place, just as we do bi-weekly. we eat snacks, drink tea, and share laughs as we share stories, tales, and narratives. it was a smallish group tonight. many regulars absent from the table, but good words were streamed into lovely sentences by all present. on this night, i feel inclined to share with those outside the group the things i wrote. i often do this in short excerpts, mostly going unnoticed by those visiting pspd. but this night i'll point it out, so that you can get a little window into our gatherings.

1) write about borders.
Invisible, yet present lines drawn over land and sea. Dividing up what is theirs from what is ours. They sometimes follow the natural shapes and grooves of the earth – creating natural division. Other times they're jagged and senseless. Leaving me wondering about the story left behind in the alcoves of history. They remind me of scars on the surface of skin – telling tales, whispering the past to those not present at the time of the earth's division.
Although these borders mark the edge of political realms, they also divide languages and people groups. Nations and ethnicities neighboured – living side by side. Divided by themselves and others. Often separating quality of life, social justice, and basic human needs.

2) write a letter to your 8-year-old self.
Dear Lesley,
I know you're just little. and that's difficult – nay, impossible – to enforce your opinion against the will of your mother, but... you really shouldn't have gotten a perm. I know it's the 80's and all, but you'll later regret it. Along with the mullet. I just thought you should know.
Oh, and by the way... it's going to be ok. I know right now those words of assurance may seem strange, but in a year or two years from now, they will be comforting. See... the thing is... life won't always be the way you know it. And well... sometimes big sister's are wrong. I'm hesitant to warn you about this, but it's my hope that reducing the shock may also serve to reduce the hurt.
The thing is... Dad is going thru a rough spot. And there will come a time, in the not so far future that he is going to leave, and not come back. I'm not going to lie and say it won't be hard. It will actually cut you to your very core. But know that he loves you, and that it will be ok.
And that perm will grow out too.
Love Les

3) write about always and never.
It's always "never and always" for me. Never something in the middle. Far left, or far right. It's an impossible way to exist.
There's so much weight in those words. Pressure placed upon myself when I think along the lines of all or nothing.
And yet, there's something incredibly alluring.
Always.
Never.
They're so certain that they seem to provide some comfort, when everything else is out of whack.
"Always" – that word invokes lightness, a sense of warm on my face.
While "Never" is cold, dank and dark. Denying me. Refusing.
I'm caught in the middle. Unsure which way the domino will fall. Always waiting. Holding my breath. Never comfortable until it topples.
Always.
Never.
Such potential in those words.
Foreboding and intriguing.

i found #2 easy to write, and difficult to read. much more difficult than i expected. i couldn't stop myself from crying. parts of my stitched-up insides swelling and breaking thru the seams. i guess some wounds don't ever fully heal, no matter how old they are.

if i spilled milk inside my boot, i wonder how long it would take to dry.

there's nothing to do but believe.

1%

ok.... so... i know you've been googling rachel greenwood like crazy. you've googled her and found my blog about 6 times today already. may i suggest you add quotes to her name? "rachel greenwood" that might help narrow your search a little better. btw: the internet is not as private/secret as you thought it was.....

on that note... who's been visiting pspd from u of t? hmmM?

i have this blue bag (it's a large purse actually, but i have an adversion to the word "purse") that i've taken with me on all my travels during the last half-decade. it's accompanied me to london, paris, kenya, new york, pei, nunavut, and montreal. i'm inclined to create a photo montage of my beloved blue bag on location, but instead i'll just do this. and this. and this. and this. and well... the thing is... it's getting a little worse for wear. so i'm caught in the dilemia, do i try to do yet another trip with this bag, or should i leave it behind and buy something else in mexico. alternatively, i could just replace it with the same bag of the same or different colour. i think they still sell them at very shari. maybe i'll pop in there on saturday and take a look, maybe they don't have that kind anymore, which would make my decision for me.

shan and i went to the goat this evening. i feels like it's been a while since i went there on for a weeknight visit. it was great. i love the goat, and bumping into people i know.

it makes me smile. even when i don't want it to. i fight it and yet my lips still curl at the corners. it's as though my face has a mind of it's own.

sometimes i feel like i'm just randomly coursing thru the universe in no particular direction. here's hoping i land on something soft.

last night i dreamt about riding a llama on a journey. i googled that to see what it meant. it said: to see a llama in your dream, represents deep trust, strength and endurance. it may also mean that you are worrying too much and carrying too many problems". interesting.

feeling the same as i did yesterday.
feeling the same as i might do tomorrow.

leprosy

it makes me blush a lot. each time i think of it in fact.

i blog everyday as an outlet. not as a habit, it's a consistent need that i have to share details of my life. today i have nothing to say, because i wrote back and forth with a friend all day. that's a huge factor to how much i spill in this space.

you know what? i can't be certain of the exact date, but it was 5 years ago around this day in january. it was both the best and worst day of my life.

i'm desperately craving spring. not that there's anything wrong with winter, but spring is my season. i was listening to a song on my ipod that gave me a flashback to how great spring is. i anticipate it with great expectation.

lord, make me an instrument of thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

o divine master, grant that i may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
amen.

voodoo

yesterday at brenda's place i fixed myself a cup of tea and upon taking my first gulp, i discovered i'd used salt instead of sugar. even though it was in a metal tin clearly marked as "sugar".

for those of you following along at home.... no, none of my postcards surfaced on the post-secret site this week :) i need to get around to making my next 2 cards. my fifth and final card is still yet to be dreamt up.

i'm terrible at time management. i waste time very frivolously. i hate it. while at the same time, really loving it. it's a very organic part of who i am. pruning that part of me would be painful and therefore very ineffective. sometimes i just have to accept myself as i am, and learn to enjoy myself without feeling guilty about my deficiencies. it really is ok. we all have them. it's a matter of being self-aware enough to block-out periods of my day for time-suckage. people often comment about how it takes me 45 minutes to get ready for bed. it makes no sense. i realize that. there's no explaination, i just fart around, wasting time. but instead of fighting it – because i really like being frivolous that way – i just have to plan for it, because it's out of my control. it's going to happen no matter how disciplined i try to be.

when shannon returned a book i lent her, she commented on the piece of paper she'd found inside it that i'd scribled on. it said "i've never been so repulsed by one person in my entire life". i laughed when i reread it. and i'm laughing now. i love that she found it, it was unrelated to the book, and i'd forgotten it was embedded in the pages. so funny.

you may leave here for 4 days in space
but when you return, it’s the same old place
the poundin’ of the drums, the pride and disgrace
you can bury your dead, but don’t leave a trace
hate your next-door neighbor, but don’t forget to say grace.

egg-cozy

i dropped by bren's place this afternoon for a quick visit while her kids had a quiet time. that quick visit turned into spending almost my whole day there. i ate all today's meals there. i enjoy days when my plans fly out the window and instead i let myself get caught in the moment. my only regret is that i drove the 400 metres to her house because i thought i was going to run some errands afterwards. oh well. i borrowed four weddings and a funeral from the melles' and watched it when i got home. i really enjoyed it. no one plays an awkward englishman better than hugh grant.

i'm sleepy. i'm gonna go flop into bed shortly. i've been clenching my teeth in my sleep a lot lately. i think it's stress. hopefully that'll dissipate shortly. i think it will. during my chat with bren today, i told her i don't know what to do, and she encouraged me that there's nothing i need to do. but instead, i just need to be open. i think that's feasible, and i like how fluid it sounds.

this might be hard to believe, but my apartment has been FREEZING lately. i even had to use my space heater. i'm going to have to talk to the girls downstairs, i'm thinking they turned down the thermostat because it was really hot before, and now it's too cold.

with eager tongues we taste our strife,
and fill our lungs with seas of life.

dry

i love that al is insane.

neon

it's not a game.
and i don't want to play.

i am on a road that leads to nowhere.

i'm excited about my new knitting project. they're a pair of fingerless mitts. knitty dot com has such great patterns. some of the nicest/funkiest. i've got to pick me up some purple yarn tomorrow. i love that i make things like fingerless mitts, and bodyless sweaters. it's very suitable considering my name is les. what's next? a hoodless hoodie? OH! i AM totally planning on knitting toeless sox!!! hahaha. that's hilarious! i'm going to make toeless sox for when i paint my toenails, they're called pedicure sox. hahahahaha. at least i'm consistant.

the truth of it all is that i'm too much everything. (too strong. too fragile. too bold. too timid. too silly. too serious. too confident. too paranoid. too good. too crappy. too mouthy. too inarticulate. too extroverted. too introverted. too regular. too unorthodox. too sensitive. too jagged. too intense. too apathetic), and yet not enough something. but what IS that something??

it's time for a distraction.

come see where your eyes cannot see.
and close your eyes, child, and look at what i'll show you;
let your mind go reeling out and let the breezes blow you.

confession

i like my friend shannon just because she's weird.

i got a promotion today at work. i'm now the "communications technician". i hate my new title, and i especially hate that "graphic designer" has been dropped, even though i understand why. i won't go into all the details, but it has something to do with the fact that the term "graphic designer" is a huge red flag, and the knickers had to change my title in order to hide me. i'm like moses – a little graphic designer in the reeds. my new title is lame, but it came with a higher level (i'm a level 8 now instead of a level 7) and a pay increase (i don't suspect it'll be very significant tho). i wish i was more excited about it, i guess i'm not because it's just evening out what i actually do with what i officially do so it's making very little difference. but i'll try to be optimistic about it... they ARE recognizing my contribution to the company. i've worked there almost 5.5 years and got a promotion 3 times, i shouldn't complain, most people don't get to advance at all, much less 3 times. at times when i doubt myself, i'm always reassured by my job – it's something i KNOW i'm good at, and was at one time a building block from which i rediscovered my self-worth and confidence.

i went to my very first clothing exchange tonight. lucky for me rachel erb was there and dispensing of some of her extra stuff :D i got some nice things.

i'm burning.

when i was 13 years old
i woke up one morning
thighs covered in blood
like a war
like a warning
that i live in a breakable takeable body
an ever-increasingly valuable body
that a woman had come in the night to replace me
deface me

late

i found an ipod in my glove compartment today. it's not mine. it was totally weird.

i'm | THIS | close to finishing david's scarf. it looks GREAT. it's 6'6" without the tassels. i hope he loves it. i think he will, my only concern is that it's rather thick, it's much too big for me. but he's bigger than me so i think it'll be ok. i'm pretty proud of this project because it involved a lot of innovation on my part. at rachel (greenwood)'s place the other day, all the ladies were commenting on my unusual technique, and i had to explain that what i was doing was rather unconventional (picking up the side-stitches). but midge put a twist on it and said it was "innovative" – i liked that. i do take my share of risks with knitting, i've always thought it was because i don't know any better. but maybe from now on i should think of myself as a knitting maverick, i'm trying to stop selling myself short.

i participated in my first "wellness committee" meeting today at work. this is a big deal for me because i don't usually do stuff like join committees, – i never did extra curricular activities at school either. it's a stretch for me, so that's cool. it was a good meeting, i was able to suggest they salt the walking path we all use at lunch time and a few other things.

how i wish you could see the potential.

cannons

one of my favourite things about my life is the opportunities i have to go have visits with my friends. this can often be a source of frustration for me because i sometimes feel i have pockets of friends but no circle of friends – that i don't belong to a specific group. but this evening i see this as a blessing – that i have the freedom to do so. i had the pleasure of time with rach on her super short couch, and occasionally jase joined in our conversation. i'm very fortunate that i like all my friend's husbands, and am just as happy having them join us in our talks. we ate these salty caramel chocolates that were very confusing for my taste-buds. it was seriously the most deliciously confusing thing i've ever eaten in my life.

this might go without saying, but i am a written-word kind of person. it's my best way of communicating – my weapon of choice. mind you, i would never choose an email over a real conversation, but writting is my most effective form of self-expression. i'm not very eloquent in real-life, and can get frustrated with myself for not expressing myself the way i want to in conversation. ANYWAYS... not everyone feels that way about emails or letters. some people much prefer to pick up the phone – i hate those kinds of people. and unfortunately, i think that's caused the ultimate demise in some friendships/relationships. i can guarantee that i'd be much closer with my sister if she communicated the same way i did, or even had an email address. other friendships have been formed exclusively because of email. so my dilemia is... what do i do about these people who do not enjoy the written-word?? i have a friend who lives out of town and really wants to call to chat. i don't want to talk on the phone. i HATE IT! i would much prefer if he just emailed me his latest news. granted, a conversation can usually go much deeper/into more depth when it can go two ways, but i just really hate the phone. although, there is part of me who misses thoses all night conversations with someone special. i guess that shows there are exceptions to every preference.

i might still make it to bed by 11:30...

barefoot in the shallow creek,
i grabbed some stones from underneath
and waited for you to speak to me.

galore

i really like yoga class. which kind of surprises me a little because i'm not a very flexible person and i'm not very graceful either. BUT when i'm do yoga i feel very fluid. i almost feel like my body is made for yoga. and perhaps my temperament too, because i like how slow paced it is. i like how there are long periods of time when we get to stand there bent over with our arms, torso and head just dangling. it feels really neat. i find people in classes very unfriendly. if they talk it's only with their friends. it's too bad really because on tv and movies i always got the impression that people make friends at aerobic classes or art classes. maybe it's a generational thing, or maybe just an age thing. it seems the older people get the more outspoken they are with strangers. maybe when i'm a life model in my late 60s i'll meet all sorts of people. i've started thinking about joining a book club. i don't know if i could fit one into my life even if i knew of one to join, so instead it'll be one of those things i tuck into the recesses of my mind for down thr road. i'd also like to volunteer at the library. ANYWAYS... back to the yoga topic. i wore my lululemon pants tonight. i felt swanky. and when i walked down the hall afterwards i felt super sexy. i think yoga will help improve my posture. this is good.

i like that after over 29 years i'm still capable of surprising my mom. i surprises myself sometimes too. i think that's excellent.

i wonder when that distinct dread will kick in. that feeling that often sweeps over me after the reality of what i've done sinks in. maybe it won't. after all, i'm straight as an arrow. blunt as a cigar. i think i did it because i was scared to, and sometimes it's necessary to do something for no other reason but because it's scary.

we used to really like this song. we'd listen to it repeatedly. it brings a lot back. i've concluded that i'm not a comfort-food person, but instead i'm a comfort-music person. beckie told me that some of my best friends are songs.

nothing other than a sick desire for self-abuse.

pneuma

i'm breathing.
in and out.
it's a secret.
the sound of my breathing.
telling me.....

stamps

i got the most hilariously sketchy phone call from david this evening. he has a lot of explaining to do. he's lucky i love him as much as i do or i'd be rather unimpressed with him right now.

tonight i had the pleasure of going out with rachel laforest for bubble tea then to a concert where we were joined by tim & tracy. it was a good time – i'd never been to barnone before.

as i worked away on my first two post secret postcards (which i mailed out today by the way), i listened to my favourite show on cbc radio 1 – GO. today's topic was about the 7 story plots of literature, it was very intriguing. they are as follows; 1) overcoming the monster. 2) the quest. 3) journey and return. 4) comedy – can be misunderstandings as well as humour. 5) tragedy. 6) rebirth. 7) rags to riches.

sometimes i feel like i live on the periphery of everyone else's lives.

i'm freezing. i'm going to bed. but first i need to try on my bikini.

you wonder if you missed your dream.

obelisk

shannon is so great.
i'm so fortunate to have such great friends.
and affirming friends.

i struggle with feeling that i'm mediocre at everything. it came out in my writing at storytellers last night. immediately everyone contradicted me, and showered me with love and affirmation. bren emailed me later and told me that there's nothing mediocre about me. i thought about it and concluded that i set my standards too high and am too hard on myself. this evening when shannon was over, i told her the saga of my early days – shan is a great participant in my storytelling – and retelling that tale reminded me of all that i've overcome. how much healing i've experienced, and it made me think that perhaps i'm much more extraordinary than i thought. i don't dwell in my past very much, i'm not proud of it. but it's so long ago that it's barely a blip on my radar and that makes me happy.

i showed her the beginnings of my post secret postcards. they made her laugh and that made me happy. i'm very excited about this undertaking. i don't suppose any of them will actually be selected, but i like sending things out into the great unknown. and as far as i know i'm the first person i know to submit something.

frank taught me how to de-ice my windshield using a bucket of hot-water.

i love that shannon's dad didn't believe her when she told him i was 29 :)

oh my goodness. i totally need to go to bed. i've been the WORST getter-upper all week. it sux.

there i knew it would be alright,
that everything would be alright.

abrupt

it's like standing at the edge of a huge pond, and placing a hand-made paper boat in the water, then watching it float – slowly, gradually, moving farther and farther away.

banff mountain film festival world tour is coming to kingston on january 24th. i told some of you about it at storytellers tonight. i'm looking for some friends to go with, so let me know if you're interested in going. (watch the first 2 minutes or so of this clip, the rest is about the sponsors – the footage is still cool, but less essential). tix are sold at trailhead. i can't remember how much it costs, i wanna say 13 bux in advance and 15 at the door.

i decided during my drive home from work that i want to create a postcard and send it in to post secret. actually, i think i'll do about 5: a confession, an amusing tidbit, a love letter, a tragedy, and a thank you note. that will be one of two new things for january.

what is this dream that i'll never find.
what is this prayer that's stealing my mind.

cool

i danced and danced in my kitchen while attempting to do my dishes. it would've made for an amusing sight to anyone walking by, but i don't care. perhaps some of the fun would be contagious, and they'd carry on their way smiling. i hope so.

i had my performance evaluation at work this afternoon. i got "superior results" or "role model" for almost everything. does that surprise you?

i feel cozy tonight. it might be this sweater. it could be this song. but i feel engulfed and warm. i'm slightly agitated, but mostly peaceful.

yuck.

if, along the way, something is gained,
then something will also be lost.

[blank]

shinny

i don't make decisions.
i do make mistakes on my knitting projects.
i don't play mind-games.
i do need face-time with friends.
i don't do mornings.
i do act on my talk.
i don't know how to cook.
i do think it's too soon.
i don't mind walking in the rain.
i do have a weakness for 90s dance music.
i don't listen to my voicemail messages.
i do respond to emails within 5 minutes of receiving them.
i don't have to worry.
i do lose momentum.
i don't like being put in boxes.
i do enjoy surprising people.
i don't cloak awkwardness very well.
i do have a tape deck in my car.
i don't have comfort foods.
i do sleep with a very flat pillow that i fold in half.
i don't mind going back to work tomorrow, but...
i do mind having to wear my work-clothes.

listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide.

the willies

someday i might have:
• a boyfriend who annoys me by the way he breathes
• a husband who doesn't always know the best thing to say to console me, which will sometimes make it worse
• a life-partner who farts, or smells, or is somehow a little gross
• clashes of wills with my life-partner and will have to learn to compromise
• to consider someone else other than my own desires
• in-laws who i'll have to spend half of my holidays with
• a mother-in-law who is manipulative and interfering
• a whole new set of siblings to deal with
• to move away from my life and start over, feeling almost completely alone
• a baby that keeps me up and makes me want to pull out my hair because it's taking me away from my precious sleep
• kids who keep me so busy that i no longer have afternoons of pure reading pleasure
• teenagers who rebel or crush my heart with their poor choices
• no time to go to the gym for some exercise
• noise i can't shut off or tune out
• less disposable income
• no privacy or a place to call only mine
and when i have those days... please remind me of these days. and how i sometimes feel alone. how i feel like no one wants me. how i don't belong to anyone. how i fear that i'm becoming selfish because i only have to think of myself. how i feel the pinch of one income. how i have no one to share meals with. how i hate that there's no one to help with housework or with putting the garbage out. how i am scared i'd never get the chance to have kids. how the uncertainty of my future sometimes overwhelms me.

no scenario is perfect. this isn't and that won't be either. i'm happy most of the time, but when things are bumpy i tend to idealize what i don't have. i suppose everyone does sometimes. i'll continue to work at appreciating what i have while i have it.

i cursed myself for being surprised
that this didn't play like it did in my mind.

pretzels

beckie and i went to the boiler room climbing gym tonight. we'd both been there before, but not for a long time. i did a fair bit of wall climbing and repelling while in youth group, but haven't gone since. i've been wanting to tho, and it was very fun. however, i do find it very scary when i get high up the wall and the grips get harder and my hands get sweaty. it get's me quite nervous, which makes me all the more proud of myself for doing it.

i want to know my fate.

piggyfront

we had a slumber party at melissa's place last night. it was very fun. and when i was all tucked in, zipped inside my sleeping bag on her couch i couldn't stop giggling with delight. it was a very enjoyable way to ring in the new year.

well, 2009. wow. does anyone else find this number big and a little intimidating? but never mind, it'll grow on me, i'm just hesitant towards arbitrary change. aside from the annoying change of number, i'm quite stoked for the change of year. can you imagine how mundane and relentless life would seem without the occasional changing of the calendar? yikes.

i've made a few plans for 2009. things i hope to/are planning on doing:
1) trip to mexico
2) my first bikini waxing
3) raspberry picking
4) hopefully take a leave of absence from work to go to scotland
5) practice lent for the first time – i'm planning on giving up meat

as far as resolutions go, that's a whole different story. when i choose to set resolutions i like them to be achievable goals, or like they say at work "measurable" (which basically means you're able to measure whether or not you achieved the goal). last year i decided to stop using plastic bags when i make purchases. the year before was to stop allowing food to go bad in my refrigerator. this year, i'm going to work on my posture – keeping my shoulders back. i think this will be the hardest of those three resolutions, but i feel confident that i CAN do it.

nothing changes on new year's day.