off

i've had quite a good weekend. it's been a nice long relaxing day, and i did a lot. it's amazing how much you can do when you have free time. i have mixed feelings about going back to work tomorrow because i've enjoyed my weekend so much, but it IS a 4 day week, so that'll be nice. 4 day weeks are awesome in themselves, then we get the added bonus of the 3 day weekend. right on!

this afternoon laney and melissa came by to meet honey and pekoe. they both heartily liked them. they really are super kitties and i'm enjoying them a great deal. i'm really glad i got them both, i thought "one is for me, two are for each other".

after the girls left, i watched "ever after" and pekoe fell asleep on my lap. i haven't seen it in years, i've always liked it. although watching it, i found, made me kind of sad about my single status. i suppose that's normal, and i'll feel that way from time to time, but i hate being sad over things i can't change. however, after the movie was done i put on some dancey music, and i started feeling much better. it was a mixed-cd of dancey music i made in 2003 – i just found the other day. it's really funny some of the stuff i included on it, but it makes me dance and sing, and that was EXACTLY the point. it's music to clean the house to.

i re-upholstered my last two kitchen chairs tonight, it's nice to have gotten those done. and i'm almost finished knitting that sweater that was originally for joelle but it's now going to kenya because i took so long to knit it that it's too small for her. ah... reconnecting with my hobbies. it was nice being out on my back porch stapling on the fabric, and i got thinking about how great this summer will be.

:) i feel like i'm finally getting some breathing space. i think i'm the most chilled than i have in months. my heart is still beating a little fast, but my emotional state is pretty relaxed.

days go by and still i think of you,
days when i couldn't live my life without you.

katinka

TODAY.... i adopted two little kitties. i'm SO excited. they're lovely. i felt "one is for me, two are for each other". i'm not home A LOT, and it didn't seem fair to get a little kitty and leave him home all the time by himself. i think it was hard on fru, and i always regretted separating him from his brother.

these are my kitties. they're brother and sister.
the girl's name is honey, and the boy's name is pekoe.

the picture on the top is pekoe. he's a silver tabby and is slightly cross-eyed. it's adorable.

the picture on the bottom is honey. she's a brown tabby and is wheezing a little bit because she's getting over a cold.

i'm gonna have to get them fixed asap because they're siblings, and i don't want any funny business going on.

i'm really enjoying them. i drove all the way to belleville to get them. it was a nice little roadtrip, i went all by myself. i like that i just got in the car and drove – that i can do that. being an adult is really great.

i got my heart monitor off yesterday. i'm so glad, i'm allergic to the tape and my skin is all red and itchy. having this electronic device stuck on my body was a funny experience, i liked to imagine that i was undercover and was bugged.

ah, the weather is SO beautiful out. i always say i love summer, but i love spring too, and i also like fall. i drove with the window down and basked in the sunshine.

it's a hard parade,
just be courageous.

irrational fear of bears

well i've got this heart monitor strapped to my chest. ooh, it's itchy. the lady was very nice and let me walk around the office with no shirt on. oh... did i say let me? i meant had to. i asked her all sorts of questions as she did her thing, it wasn't that i didn't trust her, i was just very interested in what she was doing. she gave me a piece of paper that i have to write stuff down. when she hooked it up, she said "oh my your heart is going 25 beats faster than eariler" i was surprised to hear that because i didn't feel anything in particular. she said "it must be going very fast when you can actually feel it". its kind of nice to know that i'm not crazy or imagining it, but on the other hand, i'm not thrilled about having any problems with my heart. i've been very blessed to be relatively healthy.

there was a bit of a mix up because she had written down that i was a male. i'm not sure how that happened because i am in fact a female. it was partly due to this unisex name i have. but that wasn't fully to blame because that's the info she got from wendy at dr. pritchard's office. oh well, no harm done, it just meant she didn't have to shave my chest.

i recently realized it was time to retire my spring/fall coat. i bought it at goodwill when i was 16, it was old, the zipper was broken and not weather conducive – it was hot when it was hot out and cold when it was cold out. so i decided to buy me a vest. it's brown and i got it 50% off. i questioned whether i could pull off the vest thing, but decided that if i put a button on it, that would make it "very lesley" so it would be all good. i must admit, i like it quite a lot. it feels very grown-up.

frank is having to do a major spring cleaning in his office. he's sorting out and throwing out 20 years worth of stuff. he's a pack-rat. i noticed a stack of photos faced down so i picked one up to see what it was and found its this really beautiful night shot of a TTC subway station. so i took one (since he had a dozen) and picked up a nice frame, and now i have me a beautiful piece of art! and all it cost me was the price of the frame.

so, bbd had increased the number of website that it has blocked. this includes blogger. i'm shut down. at least on the job, which is funny since just yesterday i was talking about blogging at work. its kind of nice though, checking blogs can be very addictive, and addictions tend to end up controling our lives. so in a strange way, this limitation is liberating.

you know our hearts beat time out very slowly.

magnum

i am currently at melissa's house doing my laundry and using her computer while she's not here. i hope it's ok that i'm using her macbook. its interesting because i was just recently thinking about how i've never written an entry anywhere but at home. oh except at work, but that's still my computer. haha, its kind of funny to think i have two computers! i love them both...

when it comes to computers, there's nothing i hate more than when a software or operating system gets upgraded and actually becomes less innovative. ARGH! i HATE that.

this afternoon i was sitting in my cube feeling really uncomfortable in my clothes. i couldn't wait to get home and change out of them. then i realized... "its not my pants, its the fact that i haven't been getting any exercise for the whole month of march!!" so when i got home from work, i went for a long walk around the big block (the memorial centre). i quite enjoyed myself, swinging my arms as i marched. at top lesley speed, i managed to get all the way around and home again in 25 minutes. good to know. it felt great. i like being active.

since last night's entry, i've come across at least 3 different potential kitties, and all of them have fallen thru. i'm feeling ok, although it's hard continuously getting my hopes up like that. but finding the right kitty is important. the same goes with men, i wouldn't just marry any ole guy, so i'm not going to adopt any ole kitty either. i have to hold out for the right one and not feel pressured into bringing home one that other people think i should get. my mom tried to convince me to adopt this year old she'd seen a the pet store, she chalked up my disinterest to me being "in a snit". which really annoyed me, then that PUT me in a snit. but i'm very particular, and since it's my cat, i want to feel 100% about it. i'm stubborn.

aside from losing fru, i'm doing quite well. it dawned on me that i've been "crush-free" since the new year. it's nice. i haven't been crush-free since a month in 1997. yikes. what a record, not something i'm proud of. i've done the "single thing" for 3 years now, and yet i'm only now experiencing being truly single. it feels good. i'm done with unrequited love.

my saddlebags are full of wishes.

pay phone

no such luck with finding a potential kitty-mate. melinda and i hit the humane society to discover they only had TWO cats. TWO CATS total. and no kittens. apparently there's a "cat season" and that's not for another couple months. so it looks like its just gonna be me and the empty house for a WHILE longer. this SUCKS ASS!! i HATE that fru died. i love him and miss him!!! i'm sad :(

i went to the doctor today and i have to get a heart monitor stuck on my chest for 24 hours. he explained rapid and irregular heart beats, and said this heart monitor is just a precaution. he doesn't suspect anything serious but doesn't want to gamble. i left feeling convinced it's the stress in my life and when i got thinking about it i don't actively have any hobbies. i have things i like to do, but i haven't been doing them. i'm too busy doing other stuff. i need my hobbies, for my mental and physical health. therefore, i'm going to finish refurbishing my kitchen chairs and i'm going to pick up drawing again. in light of this i wanted to spend a chunk of this evening chilling out. so i had a candle-lit bubble bath while eating chocolate and listening to enya. *sigh*

i like how my taxman is amusingly effeminate. i look forward to seeing him every year.

i've become obsessed with moisturizing my face. both my parents have good skin as a result of using cream. i'm not afraid of wrinkles, i'm only 27, but i'm certain my future-self will thank my present-self for being so considerate.

you don't need a reason, just let the rain go on and on.

serious (problem)

i have no illusions. i realize that most people don't really enjoy hearing about other people's pets as much as the pet owner – unless they've met them or something. however, considering my present state, i find i talk about fru or adopting a new kitty at least 50% of the time. it's very therapeutic and i appreciate that talking about it makes me feel better.

tomorrow after my doctor's appointment about my rapid heart, melinda and i are going to go to the humane society to see about a kitten. i'm excited, the thought of a new kitty warms my heart a great deal. the thought of bringing home a new kitty on saturday is getting me thru the week in this quiet and empty house. once i decided on a name, i felt new hope about the future. i'm scared i won't find a kitten i liked as much as fru. he was awesome. he was quirky. i hope i find one that has its own unique personality, but is equally as awesome in its own special way.

i'd like to curl up in bed with my feet warm reading for a while. ooh, that sounds nice. just gonna finish this entry then do the dishes.

this evening i met up with irina and melinda at the goat. frig, i was in an odd mood, and pretty much laughed at everything melinda said. even things that weren't supposed to be funny. it was fun, and nice to see gus.

small the town and big the mess,
that i cause with every step,
but still i walk, nonetheless.

princess towers

my heart is racing almost constantly now. i've lied on the couch for the entire afternoon in hopes that it may help me relax and slow my heart rate. i feel a heart-attack coming on. that can't be good.

fru's absence hits me in the most unexpected ways. i had no idea he filled certain holes in my heart. i wish he was here.

last night sandwich and i went to go see the painted veil. it was sold out so we saw 300 instead. which i think is incredible funny because we went to see a chick-flick and ended up seeing the polar-opposite. with the blood and violence and explicit sexual content. it was very interesting. it made the book of esther make WAY more sense.

today i watched "prelude to a kiss". meg ryan's character was a graphic designer!!! i've never seen a movie before where someone was a graphic designer. neat! but she was working as a bartender. sounds familiar.

everyone i know goes away in the end.

ton of bricks

i took fru to the vet.
and i had to have him put down.

he'd gotten into my yarn and swallowed it, except some of it got caught around his tongue so it wasn't able to leave his system. it would have caused his intenstines to pull together like an accordion and it would have eventually ripped right thru them. they were going to have to perform surgery that would cost $1200.00 and they couldn't guarantee that it would work or even that he'd live thru the surgery. he was terribly de-hydrated and his eyes were sunken into his head. he would have had to stay there for 3 days to be hydrated. he was very unwell. he was not himself, he was like a zombie. it was awful to see him that way. that was the only thing that made it easy to let him go. he may not have fully recovered. i said my good-byes to him, i know that he loved me, unfortunately he was in such a state that he didn't interact or even recognize me. i was prepared for that possibility. when i left, the thought occurred to me that i might come home without him, but in that case i sort of expected that they might just keep him overnight.

he was my fru-fru and i loved him. he meant so much to me partly because back in 2004 after my stupid boyfriend dumped me and i was living in a crappy bachelor apartment, he was the only friend i had in the world (other than melinda). he's been my pal for 4 years. he'd been with me thru some really significant changes. i thought he'd be with me for 20 years, so i didn't even take many pictures of him.

i called my mom from the vet's when they gave me the prognosis, and she came down to be with me. i really appreciated that. as i waited for her my stomach was in knots and my heart was beating fast. it felt like the equivalent to patting my head and rubbing my stomach at the same time. it just added to my stress. although, the vet and staff were very sympathetic and supportive.

my subconscious expected him to be here when i got home, even though i was carrying his empty carrier. i'm going to miss him a lot. he was such an unusual guy. he played fetch, and was very vocal. he was cuddly and would sleep on my feet every night. he will be missed. it's just so sudden.

i loved that no matter what, i was his. i belonged to him as much as he did to me. and no matter what i was to anyone else, or how anyone else viewed me. to him, i was just his human. i was his person. i love that it's so simple. it's nice to know that the only thing he wanted or expected from me was love and food. nothing else. it's a liberating identity.

i feel like i've lost my sidekick.

it reminded me of time i spent with you – it was beautiful.

frühlinsanfang

well it was an exciting morning. with the firemen and the carbon monoxide and the sirens. glaven! all before before 8:30.

a strong heart will prevail.

thimble

my house smells like febreze, carpet cleaner, air freshener and puke. fru-fru is very sick. yes, i've heard about the cat food recall, but i don't feed him wet-food. i don't think he's puked since the middle of the night. so maybe 18 hours ago. but the poor kitty looks like he's been kicked in the belly. oh dear. i would feel terrible if something happens to him. he's such a character. a little weirdo.

i got the newsletter completely done tonight and after that i even sat and watched the t.v.! can you believe it!?! i can hardly believe it myself. i had to tell myself that there's nothing wrong with watching the t.v. instead of vaccuming or doing my dishes or whatever. to just sit. to vege. i can't believe its come to this. oh dear. i fear i'm becoming my mother. yikes!

besides, multi-tasking is over-rated.

in spite all my stress and rapid heart-rate, i'd have to say things are going quite well. work has been good. spring is just around the corner. i've been able to put some miles between me and my heartbreak, and i rarely look back. i'm feeling decent about myself. got a small raise at work. my new routine of doing my dishes and putting away my clothes is still going strong. i'm eating well – cooking creatively for myself. i have all i need and then some. so i realize things are good, and i won't complain. i'll figure out a balance, and learn not to fill up all my free time with tasks or activities. it'll just take some time.

i'm gonna go to bed early. yay!

there is no there there.

town meeting

i've realized i'm more of the "give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves" mentality. also, i'm prone to just think "aw, screw'em".

i know i've said this before, but... ignorance is not bliss, its just ignorance.

i can't help but wonder... has fru puked in EVERY room in my house? is he done puking? what's making him puke? questions, questions, more questions.

only a fool claims to be wise.

i'm a pomegranate. what can i say. i'll spend my entire life discovering new hidden compartments.

i'm trying to remove my "chore" or "task" train of thought. i want to cast of anything that feels like a burden or obligation. its not that i'll stop doing things, i'm just going to abandon the element of "have to". its not my activities that make me feel miserable, its the pretense by which i do them.

waiting for something that'll never arrive.

butterfly

i find it hilarious that my entire family is crazy about george stroumboulopoulos and think the would be perfect for me. hahaha. i have to admit, they're getting better at identifying my taste in men. i recently came to the conclusion that i want to marry sufjan stevens... i wonder if he's available.

over lunch, joy and tim tried to explain to my mom's new housemate why i'm cool and they're not. she wasn't quite grasping what cool is, and thought that anyone who is just themself and didn't care what people thought was classified as cool. but joy told her that a lot of uncool people don't care what people think, and that doesn't make them less uncool. they ultimately decided that george stroumboulopoulos was cool, and this brought the conversation back round to him.

joy's friend donna thinks joy's very cool, and she laughs and says "no, my sister's cool". i find that strange. i'm not trying to be cool, i'm just me. i do what i want. so i was surprised to hear her say that with admiration. this has come up various times over the years, when we'd fight. she was always the outgoing sister and i was the cool sister. she was the well-liked sister, i was the different sister. i always felt as though i lived in her shadow, and i think she felt ordinary compared to me. i think we've since become more comfortable with who we are, and i find now that i want for her what she wants for her. and vise versa.

i think some people just ooze cool. like paul newman or james dean. there's no defining it or capturing it. there's no faking it either. i wish i could think of some cool chicks, but every one i think of is also pretty screwed up! why are all cool chicks screwed up somehow!?! that's very interesting to me.

wow! i've actually written an entire entry on one specific topic! that's a first!

cool my brains and soothe my head.

cozy

today is st patrick's day. i don't really dig st. patty's day, probably because i'm not a big drinker. however, when i look around at everyone going nutty about it, i usually think "at least i'm irish..." i find it so odd to see people get so excited about it when not even be their heritage. i'm not super in touch with my irish roots, i'm pretty much only irish by name. i like my last name, although, sometimes i wish i had a more flowing name like maya angelou. her name just gracefully slides off the tongue as practically a single word. my name is very syllable defined les•ley mc•knight. so... back to my heritage. i remember my dad saying once "i don't wear green on st. patrick's day. we're from the north. we're orange". yep, we're from northern ireland, outside of belfast. i was talking to my mom today and she said to me "an irish father and a scotish mother. gosh, quite the combination..." i laughed and said "no wonder i'm feisty!" below is the mcknight clan coat of arms. i found a website that explained the definition, but i already knew it – mc = "son of" and knight = "knight". not hard. i DID learn though, that mcknight can be used interchangeably with "mcruddery" which i got a real kick out of. hahaha. not that far from the truth. hahaha. while we're on this topic, i'll share with you that lesley means "grey fort" and meredith means "protector of the sea". i'm like a friggin warrior princess!


i've had a crazy social day. breakfast/lunch with laney and melissa. went to the goat to read when beckie arrived with her friends kate and anne. so i joined them. then after being there for 3 hours, rhonda and isaac came by hoping to find me there so i could help her pick out a new computer. it was fun. and i still enjoyed most of the afternoon and all of the evening at home by myself. i talked to my mom on the phone for 70 minutes! which was crazy since we never do that. it was a nice talk. at one point i was telling her "because i have a dysfunctional background....", she grimaced and said "ya, sorry about that". meh, whatever. hahaha.

i went to modern primitive today looking for a new choker, but they didn't have what i was looking for. BUT while i was there i spotted these really super awesome studs!! they're very cool and i've never seen anything like them before. they're made of sterling silver and sea shells. they're from thailand. they're very cool. i loves them, i LOVES them. they're chunky, they have substance. i like jewelry with a presence.

i saw three roads, and i didn't know,
which way to go-go-go.

trots

melinda and i just watched "running with scissors" it was a little on the creepy side. and now i'm waiting for her to be ready for me to drive her home.

i met up with her at the goat today, it was really funny to walk in the door and to find her sitting at a table with beckie and her friend kate. its like "worlds colliding" or "realities merging". as i sat there, i thought about how they are my two friends who moved far away and now i was sitting with them both at the same time at the goat.

we had basmati rice and pizza for dinner. with ginger ale.

i want to have good news to report
every time i come up for air.

flood

apparently stress and anxiety run in my family. i didn't realize that. i wouldn't say i'm suffering from anxiety, but i am extremely stressed out. i just needed some space, some time to myself. to such the extent that i didn't answer my door this evening when i heard the door-bell and it was obvious that i was home. i need to kick it down a few notches.

i feel like i need a social diet. or i need to just sit around and not be multi-tasking.

i dunno. my identity has changed so much in recent years that i don't know which extreme is more me. bored, no-life lesley... or crazy, socially overwhelmed lesley?? i have no clue. i just want to be me, i just need to pull that out from under all the clutter.

waa-waa. boo-hoo. poor me.
JUST KIDDING!

i have no drama in my life. i'm glad. in my present state, there's nothing about me to gossip about. it's a squeaky clean life for me. i need to shake off the notion that no drama equals a dull existence. i'm not complaining, i just wanted to share that i'm stressed and my heart is racing from being overwhelmed. i'm not fully recovered from my breakdown, so i need to remind myself to take it easy and not be over loaded. pspd is the best outlet to let everyone know i still need some breathing space.

i like listening to banjo music in my cube.

my baby's got the lonesome lows,
don't quite go away overnight.

sniff

do you think i'm an intimidating person?? i intimidated TWO different people today in two different circumstances by simply being myself! it's strange. i didn't think anyone would have any reason to be intimidated by me. lesley.

sad news (kind of), i don't get to go to berlin. BOOOOOOO. but i'm doing ok. not too devastated.

i talked to ferrence today, and was saying that my problem is that i don't have a travel companion. i have the desire to travel. i COULD just go to berlin for vacation, i have the vacation time and the means to do so. but no one to go with. all my friends either don't have a job with vacation, are in school, have kids, have a spouse, have dogs, or can't afford a trip. i wish i knew more people in the same stage of life as me so we could do a little traveling. ferrence's solution to this problem is for me to become his salsa partner. argh, i don't see how that would solve anything. he just needs a dance partner. especially since i declined. however, melissa and i might be going to mexico next year during her reading week. i really really hope that pans out.

i'm still plugging away at mere christianity. i've been too busy to read lately. but i wanted to share with you what i read today: "the sort of thrill a boy has at the first idea of flying will not go on when he has joined the R.A.F. and is really learning to fly. the thrill you feel on first seeing some delightful place dies away when you really go to live there. does this mean it would be better not to learn to fly or not to live in a beautiful place? by no means, in both cases, if you go through with it, the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest." wow, that's amazing. and so true. we grow so accustomed to things that we forget our first excitement. i always thought it was a result of our nature as humans to always be unsatisfied and ungrateful. but that makes more sense! things change. feelings change. and that's ok!

i've concluded that i'm kind of square. and honestly i don't understand why squareness gets such a bad rap! i think accepting that about myself is good. while pretending to be something i'm not is bad. i wish i wasn't shy though, but i think my shyness only kicks in whenever i feel uncomfortable. WOW! i never realized that before. that explains why my squareness and shyness is interconnected in my mind.

i'm feeling content. i'm growing more and more confident that everything will be ok, and that good things come to those who wait.

now that eveybody's here,
could we please have your attention?
there is nothing left to fear,
no, now that bigfoot is captured.

vista

dear ndugu...

guess who might be going to BERLIN in may!!! oh ya... i have the best job. nothing is certain, it may fall thru, BUT i'm hoping it won't. i acted all cool about it with the knickers, she's not happy, she doesn't want me to go. so its possible she'll put the kibosh on that. it would only be for a couple days, but i'm going to try and extend my trip over the weekend and crash at ian & diane's house. luckily i know people there! one of joy's best friends. i'll keep you posted.

yes, i definitely have the traveling bug. its under my skin. i want to get as many passport stamps in my life-time as possible :)

i'm a geek...

today i got a trans-atlantic letter in the mail from my cousin pam. she's so great. it was funny because as i read it i could hear her accent in my head. oh frig, even thinking of her now makes me laugh, she's so funny. she's coming to visit this summer at the end of july-early august. so YOU might get to met her. she's fantabulous :) i'm not nearly as funny as her.

i'm doing well. i'm feeling good. i danced the whole way home from work tonight. i was THAT excited about my possible trip to berlin. i must have looked ridiculous to the surrounding cars. whateva. they can kiss my tailpipe.

now – i need a change of scenery.

ducks

this is me and bud in market square when he visited at xmas.

i had no idea he was that much taller than me.
lala, i like buttons.

clown fish

daylight savings time is killing me.

i'm just NOT a morning person. my body rejects it, it doesn't matter what time i go to bed. i can go to bed at 9pm and get up at 5am and wake up feeling like crap. OR go to bed at 6am and wake up at 11am and feel great. its the time of day i wake up as opposed to the time i go to bed. its like i live in the wrong time zone or something.

i'm stressed and it makes me feel rotten. i don't know what i'm going to do. i wish i could run away. to unwind i had a shower and let my hair air dry. i love evening showers :)

i'm slightly tripped out.

i want to dye my hair again. when i was a teenager, i used to alter my hair when i was upset or angst. i'm sure there still may be some of that in me, but i mostly just like it.

my foot is bleeding.

ouch.

just listen to me
i won't pretend to understand
the movement of the wind
or the waves out in the ocean.

entrust

it's amazing how much of life we waste. seriously, consider how many minutes of your life are taken up with mundane tasks or mundane people – moments you can't get back. i don't want a wasted life.

i have a headache. i didn't take anything earlier in the evening in hopes that it might go away. ooh, you know what?? i think its because i didn't have a cup of tea until 4:00 this afternoon. i thought i had, but now that i think of it, it was YESTERDAY that i had a cup of tea upon waking. eek. that's annoying. i didn't clue in because usually the caffeine related headache is cured by caffeine, but perhaps i'm passed that now...

daylights savings time is really disorienting.

over the last several weeks, i've been thinking about how being considerate is a cornerstone friendship. being considerate of your friends time, money, energy. being considerate of their feelings, situation, body image. i think that's a radical concept, and one that should be grasped by all. i know i don't always succeed, but i can see it in hindsight and that's a good sign. there's hope for me yet.

ah *sigh*

we talked a little bit tonight at living room about being overly busy and yet unproductive. i'm facing a pretty loaded week, i'm hoping i'll be able to juggle everything in such a way that it turns out to be productive and yet unbusy. we'll see. we'll see. we'll see. that's one of my favourite expressions. we'll see. because it's true! we will see what happens, it's often not what we expect.

the grass is happy
and i think 'so am i'.

ostracized

its a good thing everyone is different. i like that everyone is not the same, because things just wouldn't work. for example, if everyone wanted to live in the maxi pad, that would be a problem. unfortunately, i think as humans, we tend to look down on people who are different to us. people who like different restaurants or different movies – we automatically think they have poor taste and think they're less than us. but imagine how much a pain in the ass it would be if EVERYONE wanted to go to the goat. or EVERYONE wanted to rent the same flicks. we'd be frustrated. variety is essential. in a sense it makes the world go round.

DOON'T forget the change your clocks TONIGHT!

sometimes i'm a really crappy friend.

come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry,
you don't know how lovely you are,
i had to find you, tell you I need you,
tell you I set you apart.
tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions,
oh lets go back to the start.
nobody said it was easy,
no one ever said that it would be this hard.
oh take me back to the start.

the sleepless scapegoat

for your information:

when experiencing an earthquake, open the door – if the building shifts, you won't get stuck in the room.

1 out of 7 people were born with only one kidney.

in bangkok, you have to pay the firefighters before they come put out your house fire.

what’s a must
when the heart beats slow.

recycling

i can confirm the rumours. the melinda has arrived back in canada and we spent a hilarious evening of doing stuff.

while she was away she made a new mixed tape, which i really appreciate since its been about.... 6 or 7 years since the last one. to my delight, she included "crimson and clover" on it. i totally love that song. i like that she knows that. or if she didn't, she thought i would, which is equally good.

we're going to create a t-shirt company called "sexy immigrant" or "dead parents" but are leaning towards "sexy immi" its the least offensive.

at one point i started to get really tripped out thinking "who is this person 'melinda' who i've known for all these years, and who's behaviour is almost second nature to me?" its craziness. when i think about it, she is the closest thing to a "life partner" i've had so far. hmm, that sounds strange/inappropriate. regardless she's my kindred spirit.... wearing doc martins. i wonder if i expected us to still be this close back in 1997. i actually think we've become MORE silly as time goes on.

its quite amusing because she throws these "ja"s into her sentences without even realizing it. hahaha. so funny.

unexpected highlights of our evening:
• when the car door flung open unexpectedly.
• driving over the new overpass twice.
• melinda making me dinner in my kitchen while i sat on the table telling her "check the fish".

today i looked up "marshmallows" in wikipedia. oh, and that boy band "otown". weird. anyway, back to marshmallows... i wanted to find out when they were first created, but instead i discovered there have been two "cubby bunny" related deaths. yikes!

i'm back with scars to show.
back with the streets I know.
will never take me anywhere but here.

tappered pants

there's something about jim guthrie. he makes me feel so anchored. so confident in who i am. which is weird for some reason. but i like it.

its interesting when we get a glimpse at ourselves thru other people's eyes. when that happens, i often find myself thinking "that's not me at all! how did that person come to THAT conclusion!??!" and its usually a result of their own frame of mind. people search to find themselves in others.

sometimes crazy people move back into the country. and drink soya milk upon their arrival.

i've done very well at changing my routine. i now always put my clothes away, i always do my dishes the day of, and i'm on time for work every day! oddly enough, i've found myself becoming more lapsed in other areas. for example i used to make my bed every day as soon as i woke up, but i've started leaving it unmade all day. but i do eventually have to make it, because i HATE sleeping in an unmade bed. its SO uncomfortable.

the other day melissa told me that i was childish and then we laughed because i knew she didn't mean it THAT way. and tonight rhonda told me that i'm not a serious person, but tried to explain that i am but i'm not really. its true, i'm kind of an odd blend, i'm a mishmash of types. a V8 of people. i wish i was less shy and more witty. less reserved and more untangled. but i think i'm ok with me. i'm starting to not beating myself up for not being... different than i am.

had a life affirming talk
with the garbage man today.
he said “believe in me,
i take the trash away”.

so small

life is too short to spend with all the wrong people. i won't be investing my time and energy in things without substance. or things that are leaking.

i'm glad that things change. people change. i change. at some point, certain behaviours become inappropriate, like they pass their best-before-date. i think as people we shape-shift with our circumstances. i'm shape-shifting.

things are becoming more clear. i am sustainable.

it's true... that saying "when it rains it pours". i wonder why everything happens all at once, or why nothing happens at all. but it's beyond me. i won't be able to figure it out. lately i've been at peace. peace of mind. peace of heart. i'm sure there's a lot of factors, but i won't over think it. i am resting, resting.

i have a knack to find the most comfortable positions to sit in.

go give it all you got,
for a friend that could be,
for a life that might be.

veer

there have been a number of odd occurrences today:
firstly, when i was in the shower today, i couldn't remember if i'd used shampoo or if i'd skipped it and gone straight for the conditioner. so i had to start over.
secondly, this evening i stopped in briefly to take out my contacts, i went into the bathroom to discover my toilet set was up. i have NO idea why, and it's kind of unnerving. for two reasons, one part because i think i might be losing my mind, and the other part because if i'm not losing my mind than someone was in my house! neither are good scenarios.

earlier tonight, i drove around the streets of kingston belting out "it must have been love, but its over now" with beckie. this was before she put on my coat + bag and pranced around melissa's dinning room pretending to be me. it was not a pleasant sight. sadly, i think it may have been quite accurate and now i'm self-conscious of.... all of me.

i fear that i'm ordinary. and that when people look at me, i seem ordinary. beck reassured me that everyone feels that way sometimes, then we laughed at the irony of that statement. being normal is admirable. i just don't want to be ordinary, i want to be extraordinary.

at melissa's tonight, i was struck with the pleasure of being a solid, secure, single woman in the company of her friends. its a good place to be – not feeling like i should be some where else. just happy to be as i am. i was shocked to discover yesterday that my sister is under the impression that i don't plan my life. its actually the exact opposite, i HAVE planned my life, but it just hasn't turned out the way i planned it. and i'm glad. i have a good thing going, and by no credit to myself – in the sense that i didn't actually pick this plot, i found myself in it.

i had some dreams
they were clouds in my coffee.

mistakes (we knew we were making)

the power went out in a very select area of ktown tonight. it appeared to be isolated to brock, princess and queen from king to sydenham. i was sitting in the goat with beck when all of a sudden we were in pitch dark. they went round and lit candles on each table and we sat talking by candle light for 2 hours. such settings are what meaningful conversations are birthed from.

it was quite beautiful. it was quiet.

i have climbed highest mountains,
i have run through the fields,
but i still haven't found what i'm looking for.

prince of wales

yesterday i went on a radical road trip with melissa to ottawa to pick up beckie at the airport. her plane didn't get in until 10:30 so we had to whole day to venture around odd•a•wa.

we had a really fun day and we did a lot!
part one) tour of the parliament buildings and up the peace tower.
part two) walk down the frozen canal and shared a beaver tail.
part three) shopping at the rideau centre where we picked up some inexpensive clothes!
part four) dinner at richtree market (aka le marche mövenpick).
part five) ikea – got a fry pan for 4 bux.
part six) starbucks/chapters.
part seven) lounging in a random couch at YOW airport.
part eight) the drive home/beck leaves her purse on the hood of the car.
we didn't get in til 2 a.m. so i'm pretty pooped today.

we got to see two of beckie's puppies. awwwww they are SO SO SO awesome!!! they're so beautifully adorable, i could hardly stand up.

i like inside jokes. not that there inside, but that they're a result of close friendships. i'm really happy to have beckie home, and i look forward to the return of... my mystery friend. tight friendships take time to form, and effort to maintain. it hit me this morning, that its been a long time since i spent a full day with someone else. i'd forgotten what it was like, and now that i remember i don't want to forget again. its funny that sometimes we can miss something without even realizing its gone. something absent is much easy to overlook, because its not there to remind you.

i'm not the kind that likes to tell you
just what you want me to.

ici

oh my goodness... on the way to work today, i saw this really beautiful bird on the other side of the road. it was quite large, about the size of a chicken. it started to run across the street, i thought to myself "what is it doing". it ran RIGHT in front of me. i heard a thud, my car bumped up a little, then thru the rear view mirror i could see it writhing around on the ground. i just prayed "oh God, let it be dead. kill it now God" it was so beautiful and unusual. i tried to figure out what it was, then looked up different possibilities on the internet. it was a roadrunner. i ran over a roadrunner. i've never run over anything with my car before (other than that deer), why did i have to kill a roadrunner?!?! why not a squirrel or a pigeon!?!?! some of its feathers are in my grill. they're very pretty. its sad :( oh man, it makes me chuckle a little. i hope that doesn't make me a bad person. i wasn't aware there were roadrunners in this area. perhaps i killed the only one.

repressed at will,
give it time.

phony

i don't know what to say.

it's been not quite a week, and part of me is wondering if i'm ready yet. i'll try to take it slow.

i've got to tell you, i felt betrayed by my blog. and my trust is not restored. some people say "well you know, it is the internet, YOU are putting it out there". but there's a flip side. people have got to understand that i'm writing for ME. i started pspd as an outlet, and i write for myself. i'm glad that people can relate to it, i'm glad that people enjoy reading it. but i've got to ask you to understand that this is my LIFE – its not fictional, its personal. its not here for public consumption or for entertainment. i will try my best to remember this bizarre virtual reality and that what i write here is not as secure as it feels.

that being said, i'm still not quite sure what to say. and i'm still wary.

two evenings ago, i found myself in the middle of a performance art piece. well, even now i can't be certain of what was ACTUALLY happening, and the chances of there being a performance piece in a burger king is quite unlikely. but it was trippy nonetheless.

i cannot deny that i'm in denial.

i have this problem where i can't just say a little. often i start a story intending to only tell the necessary facts and no more, then when i'm done i realize i've said WAY more than i should have. i feel uncomfortable. no doubt they feel uncomfortable too. i want to learn to hold my tongue. unfortunately, as people, we love to indulge in the details. we sometimes relish in the not so nice details.

it feels like everything i love eventually turns sour on me. so i shouldn't be surprised that my relationship with pspd is on the rocks. too much of a good thing is usually too much. my problem is, i LIKE all my activities. i LIKE all my friends. the key is everything in moderation. i've got to learn to say no occasionally.

some think me a fool.

if i'd been a boy, my parents would have name me ian. weird. i can't imagine that. i wouldn't have picked that name for me, nor would i have picked lesley for that matter. but ian is a weird name, it starts with 2 vowels.

i just want to hold on to the
easy silence that you make for me,
it’s ok when there’s nothing more to say to me.
and the peaceful quiet you create for me.
and the way you keep the world at bay for me,
the way you keep the world at bay.

real

i'm begining to wonder if having a blog makes me too available to everyone. i feel obligated to give something to everybody. i feel spread too thin. i feel sick. i feel weary. i feel torn apart. when i can't give myself fully to anything, i'm become ineffective in everything. i can't be everyone's best friend. i wish i could be. by trying i've made myself burnt out.

i'm taking a break.
a sabbatical from blogging.
i don't know for how long.

i am blue
and unwell.

convoy

i'm really exhausted. eating food, drinking wine and talking to strangers can really take it out of you. today was pete's funeral. it went well. i'd say about 40% of the people were from bbd, i was a little surprised by who was there. but all in all, i think there's a pretty close knit community in my office. our president and seven vice presidents flew up from pittsburgh to be there, i thought that was really nice. since i never got to know pete, i can't say if the service accurately reflected him. one thing that really struck me is that i think people have such a narrow idea of what a funeral is that they don't do a lot to customize. it got me thinking, about my funeral, what i'd like and what i wouldn't like. i don't want an organ to be played. i don't want them to read the typical verses (like ecclesaistes 3 or psalm 23), i would opt for psalm 18 because its my favourite. that's all i've come up with so far. but i would like it to be a time of remembrance of our time together. and i want it to accurately reflect me. it will be after all... my closing ceremony.

i think its time to change the subject...

oh my goodness, you wouldn't believe the day i've had. there's been so much crazy drama in the last 24 hours, its nutts! i don't think i've ever had this much drama in such a condensed amount of time.

i'm weary of the sly fox.

yup, i'm pretty exhausted. i feel due for a monday movie night. i could really use time by myself. when i left knicker's house today i felt so tired that i might throw up. well its time for me to head out once again. don't get me wrong, i enjoy my friends and i look forward to my time with them, so i don't go begrudgingly.

we don't need no haters,
we're just tryin' to love one another.
we just want y'all have a good time,
no more drama in your life.

安全

sometimes i want to have my cake and eat it too.

???

i don't know what to say.
i've been doing a lot of talking today.
both via email and in person.
its nice actually.

the most eventful part of the day was when rhonda's dog peed on the couch. i was the only witness and yet couldn't find words but instead just called out random sounds and flung my arms around.

i feel like i'm being stretched too thin these days. its not that i over commit myself or anything. i'm just not living a very well balanced life. i think its because i'm moody. sometimes i'm lonely and other times i just want to be alone and recharge. i feel like i haven't recharged to max in a number of weeks.

i read a quote today from sarah plain and tall that said "no matter where you go, you will always miss something". i think that's so true. it got me thinking about "the grass is always greener on the other side". every situation will have a downside. i have no delusions about that. none. its just our nature as people.

throw away my misery,
it never meant that much to me.

gossip

i wish i was born on a pirate's ship.
i love pirates.

i had a number of nice surprises this evening. i came home and was feeling quite confused and perplexed. it was so nice out that i thought it would do me some good to take a walk, have some fresh air and sort out my thoughts. i did this random walk around my neigbourhood then round the memorial centre. as i walked up to my house i heard the faint sound of someone calling my name. i thought "hm, who would be calling my name in this neighbourhood?" none of my friends life close by, so i kind of thought i was hearing things. when i turned around, i saw two little people way on the other end of york street and realized it was rhonda & isaac! very cool! isaac takes skating lessons at the m centre on wednesday evenings. he invited me to come watch him skate, it was fun and i had an enjoyable visit with little r. i realized, its been 14 years since i've been in the area at the memorial centre. it was smaller and more ghetto than i remembered. however, considering it was built as a memorial for those who served and died in the world wars, i'm anti-tearing it down.

when i got home, i was starting dinner when melissa called and suggested we go out for a coffee. i'd been looking forward to the evening in, so i invited her over here for a cup of tea. she just left. it was lovely to have her. and i'm ever so much enjoying becoming more comfortable with having guests. maintaining a tidy house really helps! once i conquer my phobias about been a poor host, i'll work on being more prepared for impromptu visits.

today i got wrestling with my notion of coincidence. i've been discovering that i'm a bit of a fatalist. i didn't know it because i didn't know such a thing existed (therefore, i find that very interesting to think there are words i don't know yet, things that i am or could be if i knew the definition of them. hm). regardless of my fatalist mentality, i've concluded, that not everything necessarily has some kind of cosmological significance. sometimes things just happen, and there's no specific reason for them. they just do. i suppose i need to find the best way of coping with these events and not read into them as some sort of sign.

i know i could turn to something other than you,
'cause i don't understand you and why you're after me.

permeate

my windshield washer fluid dyes the snow on my car blue and i imagine that its a snow-cone.

did i tell you i'm reading mere christianity? i can't remember what i've told you and what i haven't. this is quite unusual of me since i usually don't read non-fiction books. novels are more my bag, baby. after reading velvet elvis, i wanted to keep reading something that would feed my appetite for something mind-bending. heavy, the opposite of light reading. i've always called mere christianity "my favourite book i've never read". and by doing so, made me wonder if it wouldn't live up to my expectations. but its actually surpassed them because its so easy to read. let me share something i read in it today "real things are not simple". hmmm very interesting!! that's kind of similar to a shakespeare quote i read recently "the course of true love never did run smoothly". i find these concepts amazing because i've always THOUGHT it was the opposite and yet always EXPERIENCED just that! i don't know why i thought important things would go simple. except sometimes when you're on the right track things seem to just fall in place, but i suppose that doesn't mean its uncomplicated.

i have a bit of a beef. with the students. well no, its more with living in a city that's so student oriented. its frickin annoying! i went to the laundromat tonight to drop off my clothes to be washed and folded but the laundry lady wasn't on duty because its reading week. ARGH! so annoying!?!?! the whole world doesn't go on hold because the student's are "reading". frig, don't they know the sun orbits me and not the other way around!?!?! ok i have a bit of a complex.

i'm so glad that you exist.

over

i look disheveled and its great. my ponytail is lopsided, i'm completely comfy and casual. i've gotts no one to impress. its utterly fantastic.

to my great delight, mayelin started back at bbd today in the finance department. she's been away on mat leave, but we didn't expect her job to be available because she was just on contract. but a new position was just created and the called her immediately. yay! i'm no longer friendless....

what did i watch for my monday night movie?? chocolat. it was ok. i ate a delicious supper though, and got my vacuuming done. AND i feel like i'm starting to finally make progress with the sweater i'm knitting. i was making it originally for joelle, but i think i'll send it to kenya instead. its gonna be too small for her. i'm organizing a knitting project for the kids at kijabe hospital. if you're a knitter and want to get involved just let me know!

i'm gonna go read for a bit. you know... for the last while, i only read when i'm not at home, like at the goat or at work. but i've really enjoying reading at home over the last week. i feel very content and become aware of the fact that i'm alone and yet not lonely. i can't explain it, but it confirms me in my journey of singledom. i don't know, its very unusual for me to not like someone. its amazing how much more headspace you have when your mind isn't pre-occupied with a crush.

obit

it was for freedom
from myself and from the land.

discreet

i've been experiencing a time of great enlightenment. i suppose when you take on the frame of mind that you are a student of life, there's so much to be learned.

we often lose sight of the fact that life is a domino effect. i've been thinking a lot about the concept of "pay it forward". our actions DO effect others, so what kind of effect do you want to have on other people? as i pulled together my questions for living room, i got thinking about kindness. i would not call myself a kind person. i'm not unkind, but its not a word that would spring to mind if i had to describe myself. as i thought about that, i discovered that i WOULD like to be known as a kind person. i would like it if people sincerely said "that lesley... she's a kind girl". so i decided to start small, the key to evolving is to not try and change in one giant leap. today when i was shoveling my driveway, and decided that i would also clear the other half that belonged to my downstairs neighbours. as i sat here writing this entry, i saw thru the window them arriving home. did they notice that i'd shoveled their half? no. thankfully that was not my motivation. lately i've been realizing more and more that much of my head knowledge is just that – head knowledge. i want to throw off the guise of "right living" and actually do it. i want the golden rule to not just be a concept i'm familiar with but be an actual way of life. so... back the the driveway, i decided, that i would shovel their half because i would like it if someone did that for me. people HAVE done that for me before, and i've appreciated it, so i paid it forward.

i don't know at what point something crosses from serving others to being taken advantage of. but i'll take my chances. i will strive to be kind, not out of obligation or so it will reflect well on me, but for the greater good.

if you want to change the world, you have to start with you.
i know i can't cure cancer, but i can sit shiva.

i'd swim across lake michigan
i'd sell my shoes

rosary

at 27 years old i'm still amazed that life can change so fast. i woke-up at noon to find a voicemail message from knickers saying her husband passed away at 7:00 this morning. he's been dying of cancer for a number of months, that's why i've been so bored at work lately, because she hasn't really been in to the office since october. however, in spite the forward knowledge, it doesn't change the fact that he was here when i went to bed and gone when i woke-up.

in light of these events, i'd like to say i think its terribly inappropriate that nasa has sent rockets into space to study the northern lights. let's get some perspective here people!

today. today. today.
has it ever hit you how temporary each day is? never again will i be able to say "today pete died". there other days like "today i had my heartbroken" or "today my sister had a baby" or "today i'm leaving for kenya". days are fleeting. just a blip on our life line.

to my delight, i also woke-up to find an email from alison. she, her boyfriend drew, her friend lindsay and her brother john were coming down to kingston the day, and she invited me to meet up with them at the goat. it was really neat! a very diverse group, i liked it a lot. it was really nice to see alison, i hope i get to see her again before she moves back to hong kong.

this evening i went to melissa's for a couch party. her new couch FINALLY got delivered today, and she invited a group of us over to help her break it in. it was fun. she always amazes me with her ability to throw together a nice, tastey and yet simple meal. its amazing. i aspire to be like her. i took my knitting but didn't really get much done since we ended up watching run lola run, and that requires paying attention due to the subtitles. i must admit i LOVE her fire-engine red hair. its glorious. after that we watched the news, i sat there nitpicking and telling melissa everything that was wrong with everything they talked about. sometimes i have a wagging tongue.

all you have left is one kraft dinner
that i brought back for you last summer.

dreams/nightmares

sarah came over this evening and i had a really lovely time with her. its been a while since we got together and it was really nice to get caught up. to re-connect. she's a real encouragement to me and it was nice sharing what i've been learning with her. being a girl is funny, i noticed that whenever i'd remember something i wanted to tell her i'd get all excited and poke her in the knee. she did that to me too.

i called my sister today to clear up the whole blog situation. i'd been sitting at work getting all fired-up, so i thought instead of blabbing to my mom or letting my emotions get the better of me, it should talk to her about it. so it turns out that she was just teasing me because she found it got a reaction. in honour of our sisterly relationship, i thought i'd post this picture from the mid-80s. hahaha, its so 80s. i love it because is so typical us. joy bossing me and me being goofy. we're in our pjs by the way, those are not our normal clothes. i'm not sure how old i was, but based on my pre-mullet haircut i'm gonna guess... 5 or 6.

frig... i just found blood on my face AGAIN! i wonder how long its been there for. i wonder if it was there when sarah was here. i wonder if she would have told me "les, there's blood on your face". i THINK i would have told her if she had blood on HER face, but i can't be sure.

life is funny. i was reminded today to not take life too seriously. most things aren't as complicated as we think they are. i think the older i get the more care-free i become. funny that. you'd think it would be the other way around.

he has more sex appeal than he knows what to do with.

over and over and over and over and over,
like a monkey with a miniature cymbal.

confidential

it's happened. my horror of horrors – my family have discovered pspd. i did not expect them to be so resourceful, but they googled me. argh!! joy was shocked that i share so openly about my feelings, and said "i didn't even know you were feeling that way, and i'm your sister!!" but she never asked! her reaction made me feel stupid for talking about my life on the internet. at first i felt a need to justify myself to her, but whatever i'm a blogger, its something i do. she doesn't need to read it. she told my dad "if you ever want to know what's going on in lesley's life, just read her blog, she tells EVERYTHING!" which really freaked me out and made me beat her up with my mittens. for some reason i feel hurt, i don't want them scrutinizing my life. it's like curtains, just because they're open doesn't give you an invitation to look in.

hm, i just caught a glimpse of my reflection in a mirror and saw i had blood on my face. hmm, i wonder how long THAT's been there...

frig, who cares anyway?!? i want to live in such a way that i have nothing to hide.

i've been having a pretty good week. things have been alright at work, i've enjoyed home time and social time. i'm getting regular emails so i'm not feeling lonely and my place is tidy. i'm really enjoying having a tidy home, i've kept it up for a couple weeks now! yay for me! and i've been consistently on time for work, and have read every morning except for today when i was only 7 minutes early, that's not enough time after i get situated.

i've found lately, i like drinking very hot tea. i usually don't like super hot drinks because my tongue gets burnt easily. i also think my sense of taste is diminishing. that's not good. i like to taste stuff.

i like being organized because it minimizes my anxiety, but man it take a lot of effort and premeditation. it would be super nice to have someone clean up after me, prepare my foods, and sign me up for the treadmill before i arrive.

but hey i'm just a kid, i've got nothing to lose.

ok

for YEARS i was obsessed with cinnamon hearts. obsessed! i loved them. i'd have pockets full of them. i'm not even exaggerating. and this year? meh, no interest. it's peculiar the way i change from year to year. i don't expect my likes and dislikes to vary that much. i used to be really into bike rides and reading at murney's tower, but last year i didn't do that much at all. hm, i think i'd like to ride bike a lot this summer. i have the coolest helmet there ever was. a biking partner might be nice – to go on biking expeditions thru the streets of ktown with.

the knickers let me leave early today due to the weather. she's a bit of a worrier. the weather didn't faze me any, but i was delighted to be released an hour early. i called my mom upon arriving home, she'd emailed me because she was feeling discouraged, she needed someone to talk to. i listened and tried my best to encourage her. she sounded liked a sigh of relief, and told me i was very wise. its nice to have an adult (especially your parent) tell you that. i talked to her as my equal, because really... she is! i think that's a good thing, although seeing my mom as my equal has caused me to not recognize authority elsewhere. i don't have a fear of "authority". we're all just people in the end.

this evening i went to the valentine's party at next. when the idea was first suggested, i recoiled in discomfort, but gradually warmed up to it. i had a good time. hung out with some friends, talked to a few other people i didn't know well. i'm glad i went, it was a nice little do. the weather definitely effected the turnout but we were a happy lot.

i like when friendships develop from the most unlikely places.

so far i think my valentine's cards been a success. this may become annual occurrence. i remember the year i worked at value village, a co-worker gave me a "i love you" balloon that was leftover and i'd bought myself a rose. i thought to myself "hm, i've done pretty good this year", but i'm getting more satisfaction from showing my love and appreciation for others than padding myself with 'stuff'.

and in the end
the love you take
is equal to the love you make.

fatalist

there's value in seeing things for what they really are. its liberating, its relieving. i wish we could see everything that way. don't be deceived by potential. its an illusion. its a mind trick we play with ourselves.

remember when we were kids, when we'd spend the majority of our lives playing? why do we as adults mostly spend our time talking? sometimes i wonder what we're talking about.

i love when something awesome happens unexpectedly. it gives me hope that something great can happen at any point.

i want grand adventures and quiet oasis's. i want long night sleeps and long phone calls. i want to be warm and cozy, hot and sticky. i want to be daring and bold. to have kindred spirts and zero arch-enemies. i want to learn from my mistakes and avoid future ones. i want to expand and unload. i want to leave a trail of butterflies and pixie dust. i want to wear a cape. i look forward to growing into old friends with all of you.

i'm trying to listen to the leaves speak.
trying to steal secrets from fishes in the creek.

tenacious

:D

in keeping with my new monday evening routine... i just watched elizabethtown. i'd forgotten how much i love that movie. well i knew in my head that i really liked it, but had forgotten my emotional reaction to it. it tugs at me, with familiarity and ludicrousness. it make me laugh and think "yup, that's about right". so funny. as i watched it, i remembered that one of my first blog entries was about elizabethtown. at least i'm consistent.

last night at living room we got talking about how we're often the least patient with the people most important to us. i know i'm completely guilty of treating my family really badly (not in recent years, thankfully). my mom and i have talked before about couples or families who are really kind to each other, extremely polite, and how odd we found that. but we're starting to think they might be right and we're wrong. if we care about someone we SHOULD treat them with respect. from time to time she'll tell me "i would have done things differently with your father". you might think that's inappropriate of her, but its not. i need to know that what i observed as a kid was not the way to go. i appreciate her humbleness in admitting her mistakes. there's a couple i know (a REALLY GREAT couple), who i regularly see the girl cutting down the guy. it really bothers me, i want to grab her and say "ADORE HIM!! we ALL know he's nutty and we love that about him! you should too!" but i won't. i'll refrain myself. i just hope she comes to see it herself. i'm like that, i'm not so good at confronting people, i tend to let them fall into ravines, thinking "well that's what they wanted to do...." its a poor excuse. i wouldn't want my friends to watch me fall into a ravine. but in my experience, people don't like to be reprimanded, even if it's done with love. i know that's totally true of me, my sister is the ONLY one who gets away with it.

you're more brave than you give yourself credit for.

well its just after 9. i should hurry if i'm gonna get some valentine cards made. i like when i make dinner and its so good that it leaves me looking forward to eating the leftovers for lunch the next day. yum.

can you be everything i need you to be?
can you protect me as a daughter?
can you love me like a father?

toques

melinda and i were talking today, and kind of concluded that living alone is starting to get to me. i like having my own space, but i miss having someone else around. when i lived alone back in 2002-2004, that was a bad situation. but my life has changed drastically since then. and after deciding to live on my own again i thought to myself "if i get lonely, i'll just have to invite people over!" but as it turns out i feel shy about having people over, and find it hard to relax and not multi-task. my living room isn't group-tv-watching friendly due to the fact that the floors are majorly sloped and my grandma's china cabinet leans-over in any other location. i think being a comfortable host will just take some practice, and i have a few guest tentatively set up. i can do it. i remember when it used to be hard for me to ask people to hang-out, now i do it all the time!

i need more courage.

as i read my book today, i was reminded that i'm not seeing the big picture. it's tricky because as much as i think i should make the most of each moment, and enjoy my existence, there's no denying its not all there is. i shouldn't lose sight of the fact that i'm on a journey, this is a portion of the quilt. someday i'll see these experiences for what they really are.

astrid inspired me today. she'd made valentine's cards for all her friends, and i thought to myself "since when did valentine's day just become about lovers and kinky positions?!?!" i have loads of love in my life, i have loads of wonderful friends. so i'm going to get me some cardboard and corrugated scissors tomorrow and make me some cards. now the problem with publishing this on pspd is that if you don't get a card, you might feel like i don't love or value you. which i can guarantee is not the case. if i was going to make a card for EVERYONE who mattered to me, i'd need WAY more time than i have. so i think i'll have to limit this to the people i'll be seeing in the next week or so.

she has such an awful lot of soldiers,
quite a lovely army all her own.
night and day they stand before the fortress,
very safe but very all alone.

waltz

you are what they call the human season
you are all the alphabet in one
you are every colour of confusion
you are all the silence i've become

as i go about each day, i find myself lost in corridors i didn't intend to go down. how i get there i'm not sure. dissatisfaction is under my skin and i want to get it out. i'm always in a hurry to get wherever i'm not. but this afternoon i lied on my unmade bed looking around my room listening to my itunes. i basked in that moment.

there's always an explanation. when we're confused its because we're in the dark. sometimes we can't guess, we can't even speculate. but there's a reason. how do i know when to resign and when to seek out answers? i don't give-up easily, ugh i wish i did. i'm convinced my stubbornness gets me into trouble.

if my life was a show or movie, THIS would the time the series or film would begin. at this point in my life.

my car has been re-muffled, all is quiet in the world once again.

i am yours and you are mine.
help that be enough for me.

love me for
stupid reasons
i like those most

filter

my muffler decided to spontaneously detach itself on my way to work this morning. and now everywhere i go, it loudly announces my approach. its still hanging on by some kind of umbilical cord. ah the beautiful purr of the batmobile. i'm gonna get it fixed tomorrow, i've just gotts to find that life-time warranty first.

i got to work early again (i didn't let my loose-tooth of a muffler slow me down any). i used my early arrival to start my new book – i'm reading velvet elvis. it's engaging me already.

meghan emailed me sometime in the night – my melancholy state did not go unnoticed by her – and suggested we get together tonight. i was touched by her thoughtfulness and took her up on her invitation without delay.

i've been wrestling between how much to say and how much to keep to myself. no particular topic and no particular reason to be reserved. but i feel there's something wrong with talking out of compulsion. i want to investigate what's said in the absence of speech. i live alone, so does that mean my life is alone? how much of myself is my individualism and how much of me is my community? where do i end and you begin? IS there a beginning and an end? it's all blended in my mind and i'm beginning to question the notion of me being contained in my vessel.

please be my seeing eye dog.

handle me with care.

i want to talk less and say more.

icicles

i'm not feeling well tonight and really really tired, so i've decided to stay at home instead of going to rhonda's for grey's. that's disappointing because i was looking forward to it and could really use the company. in spite the fact that i'm enjoying time at home, i still long for a conversation with someone i really connect with. sometimes when i feel a need to connect it results in me recoiling into myself as a means to eliminate that desire. perhaps i just miss my friend. there's a missing element and its him. it makes me feel like my head might implode. and it makes me feel sad.

i hit my snooze button 3 times this morning, and didn't get up until 6:48. but i really wanted to be at work early and have some time to read, so i hurried and was out the door at 7:20. i arrived at 7:45!! so i read my book for 10 minutes and drank a cup of tea. i'd like to do that every day. i finished my book, born free, it was so-so. very dry, if it was a blog instead of a book i might have just skimmed it.

so did you hear anna nicole smith died? wow, she's had a crazy year! just goes to show you never know what's gonna happen next in life.

i'm a very resourceful person, this only JUST struck me. i didn't realize not everyone was resourceful. but this is true of me at work and at home, i have an innate ability to seek out valuable resources and/or information. this can sometimes be a bad thing – in that case its usually called "snooping". snooping usually results in me uncovering something i don't want to know. being resourceful tends to have a more positive outcome. so basically, i'm saying you'd have to get up PRETTY EARLY in the morning to our smart the likes of me ;)

my roof is an avalanche waiting to happen. oh maxipad, how i love thee.

i feel a little barfy, i hope i'm not coming down with whatever-my-entire-family-had this week. ferrence has it too actually. it doesn't sound good. i'm gonna go get into my red long-underwear pajamas and get snuggled under a blanket.

you know it all by heart.
why are you standing in one place?

contrary

whenever the skeletons in my closet try to escape i politely beat them back inside.

knickers told me last week that she got me a gift for no reason. she brought it with her today, it's a new scarf. it's nice!

the phone rang at 6:30 this morning, a local ring. it was vinc', he called me via skype so it appeared as a local number. i was so groggy, i'm glad he called though because i needed to get out of bed. he'd JUST received the package i'd sent him in mid-december. man, the mail is SLOW! i'd almost forgotten i'd sent it! he said "i'm calling to thank you" and i said "for what?" hahaha.

i hope to finish my book this evening or relatively soon. i'm ready for something to sink my teeth into. i thought i was going to be ready for work early today and i hoped to arrive at work 10 minutes early and read for a bit. that didn't happen. i guess if i want to be there at 7:50 i have to leave at 7:20. can i do it?? yet another tweak to my routine. it's like i'm doing a spring cleaning of all my bad habits. i've recently realized that i've broken the habit of tucking my hair behind my ears, and i wasn't even trying!!

it's such a fine line. and i don't want to go too far either way so i find myself doing nothing. saying nothing. revealing nothing. ARGH i just wish i could talk to you.

i've concluded there's a difference between waiting and expectancy. waiting is being inactive and sitting around wasting time. being expectant is still living, but with hope and excitement about the future. i guess that's why when someone is pregnant they're "expecting" and not "waiting" ;)

i'm a walking oxymoron. i suppose there's nothing wrong with that, i just feel confused. or maybe its just this sinus-headache. in times like this, i wish there was someone else to tell me what to eat for dinner. it seems like such a difficult decision. oh, i laugh at myself.

i guess i just feel lonely and a little torn in two.

i'm coming out of my cage
and i've been doing just fine.
gotta gotta be down
because i want it all.

DELETED

sometimes i think apathy hurts more than hate. be angry at me, just don't not care!

i was inspired with a number of things to say, but i forgot the write them down.

its like i can hear myself speaking in my head but i can't make out any of the words.

i'm really very thirsty. i don't know what my problem is.

i'm extremely tired, its past my bedtime. it makes me feel worn all over.

there's something about women that makes us able to feel to completely different things simultaneously. it's an amazing skill, but one i'd opt to do without. although, when i'm not confused trying working something out, my brain gets bored. see! two things at once! oh i'm too tired to understand how i feel about it. i'm sure by morning i'll be over it. forgotten. that's the thing about me, i quickly forget my anger and agony. its kind of nice, but it makes it much more likely that i'll repeat my mistakes.

have you even had a word or name escape you and then it just pop into your head later on?? that happened to me today as i drove the batmobile, and i yelled out "BARRING".

there's just something about this song...

you would be surprised by the number of people who search for patron saints on the internet. it leads many a people here. to pspd. i don't know about you, but if i was looking for the patron saint of washing machines (as someone from tulsa, oklahoma was today) i wouldn't click on someone's blog. sometimes i like having a sitemeter, its very interesting, but i also kind of hate it. yet another example of dual-emotions.

there's about 12 inches of snow on the ground. this is not my kind of weather. but it makes me appreciate summer all the more. i love the heat waves because i know they won't last.

i bought a shirt at value village the other day, and i think it might be too small. its too tight in all the wrong places.

then you whisper in my ear "i know what you're doing here".

body language

lesley, you're a star in nobody's eyes but mine.

for the last 3 consecutive mondays, i've stayed in and watched a movie by myself. and i have to say, i'm rediscovering the pleasure of my own company. having a tidy house, being aware of my own boundaries, and playing loud dancey music sets the scene for a happy me. i'm really enjoying my life right now, it has its troubles, i have my woes, but man, am i happy. i'm living – i'm not waiting. i'm not killing time for something better to come along. i'm no more sure of who i am as when i'm alone. and that certainty gives me confidence.

laughing and thin white duke give me an adrenaline rush.

what do YOU do when no one else is looking? i dance around like a crazy person.

so what did i watch this evening?? before sunset. i would have to say its my favourite of the two before sun(whatever) movies. why? well, its because in this movie they already have a relationship, they are significant to each other, they're also more experienced with life and talk openly about their ideals and misery. i've got to give me some credit too for being able to stomach a romantic movie. yay for les! its a very unique film, its about 85% dialogue and 5% plot. hmm, what's the other 10%? the paris backdrop.... um ya, definitely.

i haven't all of a sudden got everything figured out, because i don't. nor will i ever, i'm unraveling and mending simultaneously. i've just heard so often – and again tonight actually – how life is the journey and not the destination. i'm sure you've heard that oodles of times too. its quite a cliché really. i'm just trying to graps this crazy road trip a little more. and know that wherever i go... if i'm there, i'll have a good time :)

what you waiting for?

subtle

this is my 475 blog entry. have you read every one? that's quite the accomplishment.

well i feel like i just stuck my foot in my mouth with my mom. that's the first time that's ever happened and it's left me feeling like a jerk.

anyway...

this morning i got up nice and early to get ready for my influx of visitors for lunch. in doing so i discovered i only have 4 spoons. which normally wouldn't be a big deal, but i was expecting 5 guest and myself – so 6 eaters. i stopped at next on the way to rustle and borrowed two spoons from the kitchen. which i ended up not needing because joelle and caleb didn't have any soup. i have to admit i pulled together a nice spread. joy brought soup and i provided everything else. i think they were quite surprised by how grown-up i am. we had a good time and the kids LOVED fru. he handled them pretty well, although he's used to being harassed and having his tail pulled by me and melinda.

my mom stayed after the olding's left and we chatted for a while. i was aware of my aggressive rants and my strong statements. it bothered me some. i'm really not that harsh and judgmental, why did i do that i wonder? the sad truth is that i don't think i wanted to be vulnerable to her. i don't want her to know that i'm scared and that i'm struggling to reconcile to myself my current situation. that bothers me, but i wasn't expecting her to stay, nor was i prepared to talk about my problems. so i guess i was just ranting about everything else as diversion tactic.

this is us around my "dinning table", i find it kind of funny that the walls are so bare, its just the angle the picture was taken from. because my kitchen is quite an interesting room! for example, i have 41 postcards covering the cabinets! at one point tim said "i just like looking around and seeing all the stuff in les' apartment.... like what's that?!?"

i went to rustle this morning. i'll have to go again another time, i find my first time at a church i'm very distracted by "what's this? who's that? what's gonna happen next?" it was good times, it was nice seeing all the rustlers, i've missed them. rustle has a really nice community feel, there's a real advantage to a small church because everyone can interact, and no one can just blend into the background. it's too bad the next vs. rustle hockey game took place today after church because i couldn't go. i would've played fearlessly and body checked that al doseger guy.

i'm so scared about the future and i wanna talk to you.

bang

there's been a crazy snow storm in k-town. its been ages since i saw snow like this. its wild. this evening when i left my house for the first time at 5:20 the snow was flush with the bottom of my door. as i stepped into it, it went half-way up my leg. i drove around the city with 6 inches of snow on my roof.

i just got home from seeing "miss potter" at the screening room with catherine (a.k.a – the new girl. i realize she's not new any longer, but that's how you know her. ok let's change that to catherine..... prestwich) anyway... it was really good, we both really liked it. it was really perfect for me – it was funny, creative, sort of tragic, but she prevails. i raise my glass to beatrix potter, who paved the way for single women of today. i think the name beatrix is pretty cool.

tomorrow i'm hosting sunday lunch at my house. this is a first. and a rather big deal for both me and my family, but for different reasons. for them its because they haven't been here since my open house in may and for me its because it requires a lot of effort. thankfully since i've been keeping my house tidy it didn't require a lot of work, but i did have to vacuum, arrange the kitchen table and find enough chairs (i'm still short one). and i still have to clean the bathroom. i guess once i master keeping a tidy house, i'll have to develop regular cleaning routine. i better not get ahead of myself, only one thing at a time.

talking to melinda on the phone today, and vinc' the other night, there was an echo and i could hear my own voice. not only is that distracting hearing everything repeated, but i'm also distracted by the comical sound of my voice. honestly, i don't know how anyone could take me seriously.

i'm trying to familiarize myself with being self-absorbed. i don't mean this in a selfish way, but i remember back to when i was a kid, when i was alone and had never experienced sharing my life with someone else. i'd like to once again be content with simply me and not let my mind float of to far-off places or people. i want to live in each moment, to live right where i am. and to know every experience is complete even without having anyone to report it to.

words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup,
they slither wildly as they slip away across the universe.
pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting thorough my open mind,
possessing and caressing me.

polysorin

whoa, i just had a battle between my inner good & evil about not wanting to do my dishes or put my clothes away. but good overcome. phew. this is going to be challenging.

so, i bought this totally awesome colourful boho shirt tonight at value village. i totally love it. its awesome. and i must admit, it was rachel erb inspired. in spite my years of dressing like a hippy i've strayed. but i love how rachel dresses and she's inspired me to get back to my artsy fartsy roots. oops, i almost typed farty. hahaaha. anyway, i'm very pleased because i'm getting a little better at judging my correct size. sarah is better at buying me my size than i am.

i check google news several times a day. it's my source for news. sometimes i just read the headlines and get the totally wrong impression. other times i read the article. its funny when i click on google news and find the headlines about my company. bbd (bombardier) is mentioned twice on in the business section today. funny.

there are mentalities ingrained in us. there's thought patterns taught to us. there are defense mechanisms that become dysfunction. the question is... where do we draw the line? we often get caught up in "this is who i identify myself to be" and "this is how i behave in response to exterior influences", maybe we should take ownership and break the cycle. i won't be type-cast as the girl from the broken home with abandonment issues. perhaps it was true at one point, but its not now. the only person who could change that was me, and i have. the excuse of your upbring will only take you so far. we have to take responsibility of our actions as adults and not blame the paths that led to them.

i crave summer time. i long for the days when its so blinkin' hot that i only sleep with one light sheet and a fan blowing. but instead i'll get into bed with my 8 blankets and try to get cozy. oh how i miss the heat waves.

i've hollowed out my heart so emotions can echo and drift apart.

wok-in

this morning at an all employee meeting, my trans-gender co-worker stole my seat. when i threatened to punch her in the face, she suggested i sat on her lap. i opted no.

sometimes life feels like a silent film.

i've turned over a new leaf. i've discovered how much i appreciate having a tidy home. the non-chaos of the maxipad minimizes my anxiety and stress. so in spite many obstacles (created by myself), i plan to overcome and learn to make having a tidy apartment part of my lifestyle. this will take a great deal of effort on my part, but the rewards will be immeasurable. i know i can do it, because after many years of practice, i now make my bed every morning. the fewer the dishes, or clothes on the floor, the less time required. so i just need to insist on putting my clothes away and cleaning the very few dishes before going to bed each night. this is a reasonable plan, very attainable, so i hope to make this a habit by fighting with my natural instincts.

things are going pretty well. i'm happy and enjoying my life. i'm starting to get a little bingy so it appears that PMS is on its way, i hope to make it thru the week without melodrama.

i'm very thirsty, but unfortunately there's something stinky in my fridge that is making all juice, milk or water taste really nasty. you'd think that would motivate me to discover the source, and yet it hasn't.

oh i forgot to tell you, my favourite line in the ghost and the darkness was:
"i've killed a lion too, you know."
"oh ya? how many shots did it take you?"
"none, i used by bare-hands."
hahaha, that totally cracked me up. sometimes i think i must sound strange to my neighbours because i laugh out-loud with all my girth.

pancakes are not quite the same without melinda.

you can learn how to be you in time.