electric blanket

well i had a fun evening. we went out for joy's birthday, it was quite a hoot. i love my family, its small but mighty. we had a good laugh about tim finding a cure for female prostate cancer (apparently not everyone knows that women don't have a prostate – joy and tim included!). it was nice because my WHOLE family was there, my dad too. since he left, he's never come to our birthday celebrations. i've wondered about this in the past, its felt awkward telling him about it afterward. so i was happy to hear he was coming, my mom told me with a groan. i said "oh that's good" she said "grrr, good for you girls – he's making up for lost time". i told her "watch your attitude" and she said "no i really mean that" but he tone spoke volumes. let me tell you... if you're a single parent, watch what you say around your children, their opinion of the other parent will be formed on their own – it should never be tainted by your feelings. that's a problem i've had in the past, my mom confided in us WAY too much and it badly damaged my relationship with my dad for many years. my mom baked a birthday cake for joy which totally shocked me because i swear she hasn't baked a cake in 15 years!!

i'm feeling much encouraged about the whole issue of kids. and i actually really am very content in my present state, i'll try to not let that get to me.

i wonder why you're not responding to my emails. i feel bad. is it something i said?

well i think the biggest news of my day is that i've started using my gmail account. ya. funny that. you want to know what finally convinced me? stupid hotmail changed how it works and i don't like the new set up. i like the gmail notifier, it saves me checking my email a million times a day. so eventually, i'll get a round to distributing my new email address. in the meantime i've redirected my blog comments to that account.

hm, just because i'm intimidated and a little jealous doesn't mean i'll be unfriendly.

i'm kind of tired and i'm cold. i'm going to get into my pjs and watch gilmore girls at 10. melissa taped a bunch of shows for me while i was away and i've been spending time getting caught up.

hmm, i think i'll insert another picture. what will it be today....
this is me working on the new intel imacs at rva (rift valley academy). i used adobe indesign, which i'd have to admit IS a beautiful program. i fell for it immediately. i also used iweb to design my very first website which was loads of fun. in this picture i'm working on a logo for the hosptial. my sister laughed when she first saw this photo and said "lesley poses and takes these pictures" its true, i do, but they're much more interesting and natural looking then me sitting there smiling oddly at the camera.

ok pj time.

there but for the grace of you go i.

pomegranates :)

you know... i don't think i can handle this bouncing back and forth very well. this is a unique problem and not one i should complain about.

i received mail from france today. it was one of those classic moments when you hold the envelop to your chest. i've got a number of things i need to send out in the mail. i should really get on that.

i wonder... do you have to be straight-forward for things to go straight-forward? because my sister is really stable and everything goes smoothly for her. i'm very random and sporadic person. does this explain why my life is random and sporadic?

devious one – i wish you were here. we could go to the movies.

i'm passive aggressive. i totally am. i'm feeling spiteful. i was going to say today, but no its really only this last hour. and i shouldn't. i should be understanding. since i actually do understand, but i'm spiteful just the same. can't even imagine how livid i'll be tomorrow morning. being prepared doesn't even prepare me.

ok well i'll just admit it, my sister is turning 30 tomorrow and its causing me to look at my own mortality. hahaha. just kidding. not mortality, but my own aging. because i'm next in line. it first goes tim, then joy, then me. i'm freaked out and i know why. i'm going to tell you even though i'm kind of embarrassed. i know i don't look 26 (about to turn 27), i know i don't act 27, but the truth is... i AM biologically 27. and i'm scared that by the time i'm emotionally ready and have met the right person, it'll be too late for me to have kids. there. there it is. now, before you console me by saying "you can adopt", that's true and i'm sure that would be an awesome experience, but i'd still like it to be my own decision and not because i have no other options. if there was no expiry date on having kids, i don't think aging would bother me at all. and to clarify, i'm frickin relieved i have no kids right now. uh-oh, i'm about to fall down the spiral staircase of "why do the number of fabulous single women out number the number of fabulous single men". look at me, i have no right to be complaining about that because i like two guys at once. hahahaha, but truth be known, neither are emotionally available to me, so i'm no further ahead.

ok in other news... did i tell you i rode a motorcycle when i was in kenya? i rode home with daniel from rva one night. it was totally awesome. in kenya, the slang is "piggy". you ride a piggy. i'd never been on a motorcycle before. it IS totally fun. ooooh vespa, here i come :)

you make me totally insane. i'm not sure if it'll ever wear off. but the truth is i wouldn't want it any other way.

i need a hug. a frickin good one. the kind that lasts til 4 in the morning.

i fall on the floor and i'm laughing.

H2O

hmmm. i don't know what to think. i have no idea what's going on. unfortunately, i think i know things are never going to change. i'm torn between feelings of exhilaration and disappointment.

i wish i knew what was going on in your head. is there's an invisible force field between us?

i think i struggle when things are outside my ability to change. i don't think i'm a control freak so that's not what it is. its more like i want something to change or happen, but it can't be forced. unfortunately, i don't think it can even be coaxed. oooh, its tough.

i used to really suck at mixing my friends, i'm sure i'm still kind of crappy at it, but i'd really like to learn to do that more. i liked watching you talk today. it meant a lot to me to see my two friends bonding in that way.

i'm discouraged about living room. one person said something that really discouraged me, although there was someone else that said something that really encouraged me. so i guess i should just focus on the upside.

melinda... we're totally in the same life-raft.

i'd kind of like to create a blog where everyone could post unsent love letters. it wouldn't change the world, perhaps it wouldn't make a difference at all. but i think we all need a mountain to yell from. so for the record... i think you're lovely.

i think i'll buy me a spaghetti-squash tomorrow. i think i should go to bed. i'm a little embarrassed.

after changes upon changes, we are more or less the same.

tornado

so how many of you forgot to change your clocks? i bet i'll forget.

i'm pretty tired. what's up with that, i slept til 12:30 this "morning".

i'm very much divided lately. you have no idea how often i want conflicting things at once. part of me really wants to clarify something that has most likely gone unnoticed by most people, but i'm reluctant. are you ready? there are two hims.

this afternoon i watched an entire movie on mute and didn't even notice. hahahaa. it wasn't until the end did rhonda point it out and i realized that's why i had to keep guessing at what was going on.

there's just not enough time in the day for everything i'd like to do.

i saw your bus driver at the screening room tonight. his hair has grown a little longer and wavey.

i know now that everyone will have their opinion. and i'm no longer consumed by letting their thoughts dilute my own experience.

have i become jaded or simply realistic? have i grown callused or mature?

my eyes are wide open. will they soon become foggy? i hope not. i hope so.

it sways softly. it sways smoothly. in time with the music.

i'm in the mood for some internet snooping. but there's no one to stalk.

i'm just talking crap in this entry, it doesn't matter. its saturday night and no one will read this til monday anyway.

you never know, it could be great.

dangly

well the place isn't in tip-top shape but its presentable. my room is pretty messy but better than before and the dishes are piling up in the kitchen, but the rest of the house is clean. yay!

i have a fear of giving birth to conjoined twins. yes, i realize that's preposterous, but still its true.

i'm kind of too tired to write an entry tonight. maybe i'll show you another picture. what should i show you tonight?? this is a toilet, also knows as a hole in the ground. now, to clarify, not all toilets look like this (some are actually made by royal doulton). this is at a service station on the way home from eburru. dan and dita are involved in this church plant on the top of a mountain about 2 hours away from kijabe. its very remote and isolated. the church was obviously very different than anything i've ever experienced before. in a way it was like "next church africa". the whole service was in swahili, so obviously my participation was limited, but i did sit and stand at the appropriate times AND i bobbed up and down with everyone else during the music. dita introduced me and asked me to say a few words, then paster jenga translated. it was fun. my experience in eburru is the prime example of my overall feeling about kenya, i really liked it but didn't feel at home there.

now, i can't think of anything else to say about that day, so let me dig out my plog (my Paper bLOG) that i journaled in while i was away...
"anyway, we went to church in eburru, which is a tiny village on top of a mountain. the people there are extremely poor. i can't imagine. its funny the clothes they wear, some are mismatched, and others wear these gowns they must have received from a north american company – second hand. they look like bridesmaids dresses from the 80s or early 90s. its interesting that going to church is the big event to pull our your gown for.
they all have no hair, boys & girls, men & women alike. its really, really short. the kids would stare at me, one baby would cry fiercely whenever he saw me. oh dear. often i'd feel a little hand on my back and turn to find a shy little kid pull away, they'd been touching my hair. its long and so straight.
the drive there and back was an advernture. we saw the usual, donkeys grazing right beside the highway (you've got to watch out because they wander onto the road), sheep, crazy traffic. but we also saw zebras, baboons (thought of jay), impalas and storks!"

hmm, i should show you a picture of the church. here you go...

for those of you who are interested about kijabe hospital, here's a link to their website. right here.

gwen stefani makes me think of dancing with you.

ok, i'm signing off. take it away simon and garfunkel...

i've squandered my resistance for a pocketful of mumbles, such are promises.

neocitran

why is it cops always ride you tail before pulling you over? yup, that's right, i got pulled over by a cop on my way home tonight. i ran a stop sign, AND was PROBABLY speeding. he left me off with a warning. he DID ask me if i'd been drinking because i was kind of slurring my speech as a result of my new cold. which by the way, is probably my 6th cold of the year, i'm thinking my influx of colds is related to my nose ring. i've never had so many colds before.

part of me wonders if i'll grow tired of telling the same stories over and over again. you know, about my trip to africa. i told my family the big long story on tuesday night and i think that each time i re-tell it the tales will become shorter until i simply brush it off by saying "ya, it was neat". i hope that's not the case, for the sake of the person asking, but if it does, please excuse me. here's the picture i was going to show you yesterday, this is "hell's gate" national park. they have this poster, its hand drawn at the front gate, it boasts "elephants have been seen at hell's gate at least 3 times!!!" that totally cracked me up. hahahahaha. our guide told use a "documentary called 'the lion king' was filmed there" there's all these poles sticking out of the ground left by the camera crew. i think he was confused, i have a feeling they filmed there and then drew scenes for the lion king from the footage. i'm all wanting to watch that movie, does anymore own it and is willing to lend it to me??

i woke up today hoping my broken washing machine had been a bad dream. it wasn't. i decided to call a repairman and made an appointment. it can't be fixed, so now the washing machine that previously belonged to the maxi pad is sitting outside my front door. i guess i should just embrace the "laundromat lifestyle". maybe it will be good, i can go one fixed night each week, take a book or a crossword puzzle, maybe meet up with little r and we can do our darks and lights together. actually, i'm really leaning towards a "wash & fold service".

i wonder why pants are plural and a shirt is singluar? because you have two legs, and (if you're lucky) two arms.

ok, i'm really sick so i should go to bed.

all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity.

house by the sea

i was just thinking (i know, its dangerous to be thinking this early in the morning, it'll make me late for work)....

"let what comes out of your mouth be the true message of your heart" – don't say things that you only just kind of mean. don't say things that will mislead people because you've only told part of the truth. its annoying.

btw: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! today pspd is one year old :)

yak

ARGH!!! my washing machine broke this evening!! it flooded my floor and leaked into my neighbours apartment!! to my disappointment my landlord's crazy mother won't replace it but will just remove it. i'm sooooo disappointed, as much as i love the maxipad, i wouldn't have taken a place that had no laundry. ohhh, what am i gonna do!!?! i had a housemate once that washed her clothes in the bathtub to avoid paying for laundry. i might just do that, it would be easier than lugging my clothes to the mat for the next few years.

NOOOO! i think i'm having an allergic reaction to pomegranates!!! those of you who have been visiting pspd since its inception, will know about my love affair with pomegranates. today in the grocery store my eyes lit up like i'd seen my one true love when i spotted them. it was a glorious moment.

so.... i finally caved and got a gmail account. but i'm not going to use it. nor am i going to tell you what the address is. its a 'just in case' thing. i regret not getting 'yelsel' as my address back when melinda suggested it in 2005, because its no longer available :(

ok so what should i tell you today about kenya today? i wanted to show you a picture from my trip to "hell's gate" national park, but blogger isn't working properly. so what can i tell you without visual aids??? umm, i don't know. sorry. oh how about... kenya is the size of ontario with the population of canada. they drive on the left side of the road and drive like maniacs. one night dan was reading the paper and said "here's a headline you only see in africa 'woman killed by 3 elephants' " and i started laughing hysterically. dita said "that's not funny" and i felt really bad, but it was how dan forwarded that made me laugh so hard. i have to suppress my laughter even now! i ate goat, i found that interesting that i was eating goat instead of AT the goat.

i feel badly because i had melissa over this evening and feel like i complained the entire time. but in my defense, she did arrive just as my laundry machine broke and i discovered i had no kraft dinner. i've been craving kraft dinner and ketchup chips (not together) since kenya and was disappointed to realize me and the frenchman ate my last box before i left. sorry melissa, i really did enjoy our visit :) sometimes its better not to crack open that can of worms after i decided to bury the hatchet.

ok well i'm going to go empty my laundry machine for the very last time and get into my warm jammies. on the bright side i did get ONE thing done tonight – put plastic on my window so its so much warmer in here now.

let the morning time drop all its petals on me.

connection

today i slammed 4 out of 5 fingers in my car door. oh my goodness it hurt so badly. i could have fainted. i wanted to scream and yell, but there was a guy about 10 feet from my car so i tried to stay calm. i told myself "just cry, it'll make it hurt less", but i just couldn't, my body was in utter shock i couldn't do anything.

tonight i went to my sister's for dinner and spent the evening with my whole family. it was typical mcknight chaotic. i have to admit it was a little frustrating – us all talking at once, but it was mostly the fault of the kids, so they weren't TRYING to be rude. it was fun, it was nice debriefing about my trip.

so what should i tell you today? ugh i'm tired. let me insert a photo, it will help me come up with a story to share...
i like this picture, its so... "i'm in africa". hahaha. so yes, it was totally beautiful. behind my head is mt. longonot (its an inactive volcano that last errupted in the late 1800s) and the great rift valley. this pic might appear rather dark for all pc users, sorry about that. i'm going to upload my pictures soon. i have over a hundred. but not right now.

ok so as you can see, i'm wearing my button necklace. i was totally kicking myself at first for forgetting to take the left over buttons so i could make some for the kids, but i ended so busy with design stuff that i wouldn't have had the opportunity anyway. the hospital was really neat. all the parents stay at the hospital, and actually share the bed with their kids, so instead of 4 patients to a room, there's actually 8 people! you'd see a little bump on a bed and it was actually a baby since they don't have cribs, little babies sleep on regular beds bundled up. there are a LOT of somali patients, they're easy to identify because they wear hospital sheets as burkas (muslim coverings for women).

everyone in kenya (probably africa) shakes hands everytime they greet someone. everyone. dita and i were walking through the dukas (dukas are like little shacks that are like the local corner store. a super duka is like a grocery store), and past a group of toddlers, and they all came up to us to shake our hands. it was so adorable. at the dukas there's a butcher shop called "jed's garage" which i thought was frickin hilarious. hahahahaha. jed's garage. haha.

ok well i'm cold and tired so i'm going to go dig my pjs out of my "winter clothes" garbage bag and get ready for beddy.

all roads lead to where you are.

ha-baa-dee

dear diary,
it has been 2 weeks since my last entry. i went to africa...

i'm home. i'm exhausted. what can i say in this brief entry? how can i sum up my 2 weeks in kenya. well... if i had to choose just one word, i'd say "bittersweet". it truly was bittersweet. kenya is amazingly beautiful. i don't think you could have prepared me for the awe i felt for the mountains, or the purple trees, it was beautiful. it was harder than i thought it would be going alone, i don't think i was prepared for that either. i was homesick, i was lonely.

i did make one friend, victor, who went to queen's. the first time we met, we established we both know terrence which made me laugh so hard considering we were in the middle of no where in kenya! when he returns i'll take him on his maiden voyage to the sleepless goat. i know! he went to queen's and has never been there! someone told him it was "hippy" and he wasn't sure what that meant.

what did i do when i was there? i ended up doing graphic design for the hospital. when they heard a graphic designer when coming, they kept putting aside things for me to do, so in the end, i worked on 3 brochures, 2 logos and a website. it was nice to use my specific skills to help out. that's exactly what being part of a body is.

my clothes are so dusty. and they smell like kijabe (kijabe isn't some kind of kenya food, its the village i was living in. it has a distinct smell, i thought it was all of kenya, but its not, its just kijabe). i felt like some kind of crazy adventurer when i picked up my dust covered suitcase at lester pearson, wearing dusty clothes. i hope everything in my suitcase isn't broken, but i'm not going to open it tonight. all my clothes are dusty anyway.

frig, its cold here. kijabe is like june all year.

oooh, i hope i don't get malaria on account of the fact that i stopped taking my anti-malaria pills because they were making me horribly sick. yes, i did consult someone before quiting them. she told me the symptoms of malaria, so they might appear in 3 weeks. we'll have to wait and see.

i've missed you guys. not pspd, but the people behind pspd. i thought of you often, what i wanted to tell you. hmm, who will be the first commenter i wonder ;)

ok well i should go to bed. i wish you weren't not here.

brief entry my ass....

we've come a long long way together,
thru the hardtimes and the good.
i have to celebrate you baby,
i have to praise you like i should.

knapsack

well... take a good look folks, because she sets sail tomorrow.

this is a pic of me as i finish packing up for my crazy trip abroad. did i say crazy? i meant exciting :)

its thanksgiving weekend 2006, and i can't help reflect on years past. there's something about thanksgiving that i can remember back to what i did for thanksgiving for the last 5 years or something, and am always amazed at how drastically different each year is. and how the year before i had no idea how different the next year would be. so here it is... my list of thanksgivings past (starting at this year):
2006 – leaving for kenya
2005 – leslie' wedding in owen sound.
2004 – living with melinder, JUST broken out of my depression.
2003 – just recovered from mono and spent thanksgiving with "the one we do not mention"'s family.
2002 – thanksgiving with matt and the harts in picton.
2001 – living with bonnie and leslie in toronto.

so i can't help but wonder... what i'll be doing this time next year. what events will spring up that i'll find myself saying "wow! one year ago, i had NO idea this was going to happen".

do you ever feel like your mind and your body live in two different circles? its strange to me because i always think my mind controls my body, but i kind of think it sometimes goes the other way. for example: tomorrow i will wake up. probably groan as i hit my alarm clock and roll out of bed. i will go through the motions of getting dressed and throwing last minute things into my suitcase. then i will get in a car with ben and kim to drive to toronto. i will do all this because this is what i'm supposed to do on this day, but in reality, i'm completely oblivious to what's actually taking place. i almost feel like "i'm not going to kenya, but i play a person who's going to kenya on tv". you know what fascinates me? that the same sky flies over kijabe. i'm looking forward to seeing the moon from that side of the world and knowing it rises over kingston too.

my mom gave me a really beautiful card today. she told me how proud she is of me and that i'm the apple of her eye. i'm so thankful (now isn't that appropriate ;) ) because so many people have been supportive and excited for me. i go with the confidence of the people who stand behind me, i carry with me their thoughts and prayers. it's so amazing. thanks guys, i love ya and will be thinking of you :) bye (for now)

so i took a deep breath and became the white girl with the hair.

unabridged

whoa, i've really been slacking off in the pspd area of my life lately. however, its the weekend and visitors don't frequent very frequently on weekends.

so i've been thinking lately, no, let me rephrase that... i've been reminded recently how crappy i am at talking face-to-face with people. i would rather talk on msn about "big scary topics" than in person. i shy away from confrontation in "real life". one of my friends who i've been unusually bold with over email has told me several times that i'm "just a foward person". however, he doesn't realize i'm not normally like that. i'm not even sure how i feel about being perceived that way, because it's really not like me.

i picked up some book tapes at the library today. it was tricky because all the book tapes that interstd me were only about 2 tapes long which really wouldn't last very long. i calculated up my "idle time" in the airports and it amounts to the sum of 20 hours. in the end i got 3 books – Miss Wyoming by Douglas Coupland, Grace Alias by Margaret Atwood, 1984 by Orson Wells. 1984 is like 7 tapes long. i hope my batteries last the whole time. i suppose i can buy some at an airport store, but i have this thing about desposing of batteries, i never know the best way of doing that. i'm sneaky, i started taking them to work and leaving them there – now they're someone elses problem ;) i love how old school having a tape player will make me.

i'm finding i have quite a lot of room in my backpack which is strange and unexpected. man, what i am i forgetting?!? i think my suitcase is 23 kg/50 lbs. i wonder if that's ok.

i'm high enough from all the waiting to ride a wave on your inhaling.

disco

couple things...

i wore mittens today for the first time. i hate the cold.

i had a lovely time with melissa at the goat tonight for dinner, and an enjoyable time watching grey's at rhonda's with lissa, little r and linds. i got a little dozy, but i'm persevering to bring you this entry in order to dispell rumours ;)

i wish i had something deep and profound to say.

i love that i totally gorged on junk food tonight. i figure it'll all balance out after 2 weeks in kenya.

i don't think i'll ever look at the stairway the same again.

melissa gave a book by bishop tutu called "prayers for africa" or something. neato! we also tracked down a book of fill-in crossword puzzles after going to 3 stores. i have a problem and i need my fill-ins. after listening to rhonda read to isaac, i feel inspired to get a book tape to bring for the journey. frank is taking tomorrow off, so i said good-bye to him today, i swear he was getting a little teary when he said "be safe", i told him i wouldn't take any chances. i love that my co-workers, and well ALL my friends actually, are so over-protective of me. although... i'm not sure if they always give the correct advise... hmm, just pondering something i recently was told.

please excuse the sparkle in my eye.

ugh, so tired. think i'm going to barf...

p.s. this blog title is for you ;)

every word i say could be a piece of evidence against me.

mother theresa

vinc' told me yesterday that i'm the kind of girl who doesn't know what she wants. hmm, i hope that's not the case. i've always thought of myself as someone who knows exactly what she wants... in that moment. i guess i do change my mind often. i'm kind of glad he pointed that out, because it actually explains a lot.

there's something in the shades of grey.

can't remember

what's it gonna be i wonder? what's it gonna be...

i spent the evening with paul and sarah which was really nice. i always have a good time with them. i made my button necklace, i quite like it! yay!

i think i need to get new glasses when i get back from kenya. my one lense is scratched, plus their popping out the frames AND permanently dirty. its probably time, i got these glasses for xmas 1999. wow. i bought the frames at claires accessories and had them put in the lenses at lens crafters. clever. the frames only cost me 10 buck ;) so its pretty safe to say i got more than my money's worth out of them.

i'm kind of sleepy. its been rough getting out of bed lately. that's always a sign that i need a break in my routine. i feel cozy right now though. and i feel content. and happy. i feel less neurotic, i feel more conjoined. warm.

today i had to send out a mass email at work and the CEO of the company was on the distribution list. i thought knickers was going to have a heart attack when she saw his name. it's a really odd feeling. she told me to keep that email for my protection, when i know she meant "to cover your ass". that's not something you do. you don't just email laurent.

you know, i simply can't understand people.

delicate

well, i've begun packing. its going well too! i have to say, having a gigantic suitcase is a good idea. my mom hates my huge suitcase, but i've got six blankets in it and its only half-full. ah, nice.

in between loads of laundry, i'm also trying to tidy my house. its yucky lately. so my dishes are just about done, but they're drying then i'll do more. i've also done 3 loads of laundry. 3 probably WASN'T necessary, but i kept finding more stuff that i forgot to wash. wow, so far this is an exciting entry!

anyway, its a funny world we live in. i've had to remove all my buttons from my bag because i'm certain they won't let me on the plane with them, and i can't take a nalgene bottle either b/c "no liquids". i'm also finding myself having to think about what jewelry i'm going to leave behind. i'm going to make a necklace out of shirt buttons to wear while i'm there. its cheap and i was told to not take anything that can't be replaced. i thought about making the necklace on the way there, it would give me something to do in the airport, but they won't allow scissors or needles. its amazing the stuff i have to consider in order to travel, things you won't think would be an issue.

wow, its like there's a big party on msn tonight and everyone is invited. i like it when lots of people are online.

so, am i the last person to hear that britney spears had her baby? did everyone else know this? i'm so out of the celebrity loop.

i'm gonna try my best to not talk about packing nonstop for the next week. however, getting ready for this trip is clearly a big part of my life right now.

here's my thought of the day, the think i spent a good chunk of the day thinking about... i would like to become a more well-balanced person. in some ways i'm very "all or nothing" inspite the fact i think "everything in moderation" is true. i need to learn to not be so black and white, like i said "all or nothing". don't get me wrong, i'm not saying everything is gray, what i am saying is i'd like to not be so extreme. not over indulge. not obsess. not neglect. not avoid. there's an in-between that i've got to get my hands on.

i realized that i've been waiting since birth to find a love that will look and sound like a movie.

chocolate chips

i've just got to say, i love my friends :) i got so many hugs today it was great. i'm just so thankful.

scrambled eggs made me late for church today if you can believe it.

life is funny. it feels so greatly influenced by "right place, right time" more than i ever realized. how things unravel so depends on where you're at, and where others are at, and what mood you're in, and in the circumstances of your surroundings. there's just so many elements, so many balls to be juggled. so many "cosmic events" that line up to bring about a single moment. its one giant domino effect. (side note: isn't it funny that the saying is domino effect, when dominos are technically a game of matching up dots? and yet everyone uses them for lining up and knocking over, i like that.) i feel like life is one big fruit salad. there's so much activity, so many different events, on different extremes. new beginnings colliding with endings. some face new life while others face death. and it all goes on, almost completely disconnected.

i sit here thinking "when will i arrive? when is my time?" perhaps never, perhaps now. who knows. i want to live each day to the fullest. to recognize that his promises are new every morning. i wish i knew that in my heart, because honestly? somedays i'm just getting by. how do i live this life, my life as lesley meredith mcknight to my upmost? on the other hand... i want to never feel like i've arrived, because when that happens i'll have nothing to strive toward.

i'm very "on the other hand" lately. i'm puzzled by this, why am i all of a sudden all indecisive lately? i don't think its self-doubt, maybe its a new level of awareness, causing me to consider the flipside.

i like that this entry has turned out all contemplative, because it seems like i haven't had a second to think since last week.

ok, once last though, then i'm gonna turn in for the night... i like that there's nothing i can do that wasn't meant to be. it releases me from the burden of thinking everything is on my shoulders. "i ruined this friendship by doing this" "i alienated that person by not doing that" when i don't actually hold enough power to steer the fate of those relationships. if it's a friendship that was intended to last it will. if i do something that ruins a friendship, it probably was bound to fail eventually.

sometimes we touch lives without knowing it. i hope i learn to accept that.

well girlz... i hope you enjoy this long entry. only 8 more entries til my hiatus.

light up, light up as if you have a choice.