today was a big day that i was not really looking forward to.

i started a new part-time job, AND brendan left for toronto for 3 days and 3 nights.

i was a little nervous about the job thing, because i haven't started many new jobs in my adult life, so it's not something i'm very experienced with. but i was very intentional to connect with my new workmates and they really helped me get oriented. by the end of the day, i was feeling really pumped.

b and i have been very intentional preparing for this week of my solo parenting with a broken foot. nexters are providing meals. joanne is going to come over for dinner with arthur tomorrow afternoon, nancy is going to help get eamon ready for bed while i nurse otis. shannon was here tonight and is sleeping over (she's going to do eamon's hair for crazy hair day tomorrow), and she'll stay over again on wednesday. my dad is driving us all (including otis) to school/daycare/work. AND eamon's soccer was cancelled tonight, so that was a nice bonus. i'm feeling very grateful.

just one more week until i get my cast off. i've set my expectations low and my hopes high. part of me just feels like "bring it on" so we can get through this week faster :p

i'm feeling pretty low this morning. despite the fact that i tried to arrange for things to go more smoothly yesterday, it didn't. the reality is that having a broken foot is a major inconvenience and a huge parenting obstacle. i keep thinking "just two more weeks", but next week is going to be the hardest part yet (with brendan going away for 4ish days). 

probably the trickiest thing is that after a difficult and challenging bout with my kids, i just want to be alone and decompress. which seems like i'm turning away from brendan and causes tension between us for no reason. 

all in all, this just sucks. big time.

sometimes i feel that being responsible for other people is too much for me. sometimes i barely have my own crap together, much less be responsible for keeping track of other people's stuff. to make matters worse, people think i'm on top of everything, and they put their trust in me to pull everything off. that is too much responsibility. any amount of being on the ball requires a lot of effort on my part. 

i know it's a small thing, but today is this track and field event for eamon's whole school at caraco field with lots of other schools. to help keep track of everyone, they asked that the kids all wear their school shirts (with the logo on it). i bought one for eamon for christmas, but it's much too big, so i put it away. he sometimes finds it and likes to wear it, so i knew he would be thrilled at being able to wear it today. so on thursday, i found it in the extra drawer, and i was quite pleased that i was able to put my hand to it without difficulty. do you think i could find it today, when i needed to?!?!?! NOPE. i looked everywhere. which is extremely difficult with this #@%! cast on my foot. to make matters worse, eamon had procrastinated getting dressed because he had a sliver on his foot that he would not let me remove. and lots of crying ensued. my kid is a major procrastinator with anything unpleasant. which goes against all my logic to just get through something unpleasant as quickly as possible. it frustrates me to no end that i can't reason with him. 

anyway, his shirt is still missing. i kind of hope this event gets postponed because of the weather, and we can have another go at finding it. 

i'm feeling very grateful. today was probably my best day on crutches. otis and i had a good morning together, followed by a nice nap. when eamon got home from school, we hung out outside, until brendan got home and we went to the library. after dinner, i was able to do the dishes. then i spent the evening hand-crafting while watching netflix. *exhale* sometimes i takes the bad days to make the good days better.

after feeling frustratingly useless, and struggling with guilt about not being helpful enough, i found a way to work in the garden today. the bottom of my cast is covered in mud from where i rested it on the soil, but i managed to fill three yard-waste bags.

the impact of a broken foot is subtle. it's putting tidying and chores off until later, only to realize later is 5 weeks from now. it's not being able to run to my toddler who is screaming in the park behind my house when the neighbours dog has startled/scared him. it's a middle-of-the-night fight with brendan, that still has me feeling sad, even though i know the words exchanged where said in frustration, and were not sincere.

it's not that i don't know how to manage the next 5 weeks, it's that i don't want to. i wish i was just having a normal may, as planned, and not all this crap.

when i was young and on my own... i learned how to be self-affirming. words of affirmation is one of my main love languages, and i would often rely on song lyrics to give me positive and reassuring words. 

right now, with this broken foot, i'm struggling a lot with guilt. i hate inconveniencing people, and i hate that i've put the families i take care of after school in a difficult position. i've struggled back and forth, trying to decide if i could manage them with my cast and crutches, but i can barely manage my own kids. having to juggle 4 would definitely be beyond my scope of ability at this time, and i think i'd end up feeling over-whelmed and regretful. i really hope something can work out for them. 

all that said, my first order of business is to listen to a bunch of affirmative songs, such as "she's like a rainbow".

actually, on that note, brendan and i got into a small squabble recently about love song lyrics. i wanted to know what love song made him think of me, and previously he'd given me an answer that implied that there weren't any. i was disappointed by that, but i suppose this is linked to what i explained above. although, at the end of that squabble, brendan said i misunderstood him. and now that i think of it, i know that there's a few 'wings' songs that brendan associates with me. 

but enough about b, i need to give myself a dose of affirming lyrics.