waiting is the hardest part

oh my goodness, i'm grumpy.

it seems i have run out of things to do, and now i'm just sitting pining for my labour to begin. it's not that there's nothing to do, it's just that there's nothing i'd rather be doing than taking care of my new baby and getting to know him. i'm grumpy and kind of mopey about it.

it doesn't help that i know i have a painful and difficult process ahead of me before i get hold said baby, so i just want to get that bit over with.

here's my plan...

have a short list of doable activities to fill my time between mope-sessions.

these activities will include napping, reading, eating.

i also have a few 'one-off' activities, such as watching the last episode of call the midwife, collecting the laundry off the line, taking a shower.

no need to feel sorry for me, i have generated enough self-pity on behalf of everyone.

also, no need to invite me to do stuff, because i already know i'm not interested.

blah, blah, blah.

keeping busy

last night i dreamt about labour all night. i dreamt about the nonnat-nuns and expired yogurt.

i felt pretty discouraged when i woke up. i'm so uncomfortable and just want my baby to be born. i sat in the living room feeling like "what the heck am i going to do with eamon today?". i'm super grateful for my partner who gave me lots of ideas and helped me get my day back on track. it's 8:45 and eamon and i have prepared some chocolate chip zucchini muffins, which are in the oven baking at this moment.

after they're ready, and we each eat one fresh from the oven, we'll head out to babies r us so i can buy a bassinet on wheels with my earnings from the casino. 

spoils

shannon and i went for our annual trip to the casino today. we went a few months early, because by the time november 6 comes around, my baby will only be 2 months old, so he wouldn't be allowed to come along.

things have changed at the gan casino since a new owner took over. just subtle things, and random things (for instance, there was a massive pile of crockpots in boxes for no clear reason).

as annual gamblers who have NEVER learned how to actually use a slot machine, we were very dumbfounded when within minutes of being there, i had more than doubled the amount of money i put into the machine. i could've just spent it all gambling, that would've been a legit approach, but i wanted to beat the casino for a change. since slot machines and casinos are usually rigged for the house to win.

annoying/inconvenient

life is weird. or maybe it's just people.

a couple years ago i had to put an alert on my credit after someone tried to scam me (claiming to be with visa). now, someone has used my credit card to set up an account with that exact credit bureau. who ironically did not catch this fraudulent activity. i had to call them myself when i saw some fishy charges.

not sure

i realize that i'm quite inexperienced with birth compared to many of my friends, and my last birth was not what i would consider normal. BUT i think i've been having contractions. just light ones. i don't know if my body is just practising or if it's the start of something. that said, i do know people who had contractions for several weeks before the birth, and with her first, my sister had contractions that stopped, but left her 4 cm dilated for a couple weeks. i don't know what's happening. only time will tell. i just know that i need to get past this bridal shower that i'm throwing/hosting tonight and i need to get my belly cast done asap. then i can rest easy and will feel free to birth this babe. 

squares

i think it's been four years since i stopped shaving my legs, and i'd have to say that i'm finally really happy with how my legs look. over the years, my leg hair was lightened and probably thinned out too (due to friction with my socks and pants). not only that, it's SO much more convenient than shaving. thankfully i stopped shaving before eamon was born, because i don't know how one would shave their legs while pregnant.

i had a consult at KGH today about my birth. first i saw a resident and then i saw the OB. it strikes me very odd that any young man would decide to be an OB. i'm not against male birth workers, i just would like to know what would make a guy decide to pursue that line of work. the resident i saw was very awkward. i've never had a man feel around on my belly to determine the position of my baby before. he didn't do it with much confidence. the midwives are much better at it, but maybe they're just more experienced. the actual OB was much more comfortable and really put me at ease. he was very encouraging of my plan for a VBAC, and very empathetic about my last c-section – he kept saying "that's tough". apparently only 3 to 4% of women have general anesthetic for their c-sections. thankfully i left there feeling quite positive, which was great. then i had a nice walk along the water front and sat on a bench for a while, enjoying the fact that i didn't have anywhere to be.

unemployed

last night, i had dream after dream about contractions and my water breaking. i woke up to still be very pregnant with no end in the immediate future.

it got me thinking though, about the difference between this pregnancy and last as i anticipate the birth. last time, it was mostly the birth experience that excited me. i was keen to see how it would unfold and what that would be like. this time, i'm keen for the birth because i want to meet this little man, to see his face, and to enjoy him outside my body with everyone else. i think that helps me manage any worry or concerns i have about the pain and challenges of childbirth.

i'm enjoying this little vacation i'm having. actually, it feels more like a break between jobs. it's good though. i've been crocheting a lot, and it's actually been quite a long time since i've done handcrafts because i haven't had a project, or need for anything. i like getting my handcraft creativity juices going again.

i guess it's been a while since i wrote :p my days have been quite full now that i'm not working.

last night, eamon had a sleepover at his nana's place, while b and i were at the mansion because b and the guys were performing. they did a GREAT job. they sounded awesome :) afterward, i didn't quite want to go home because i assumed it would be really hot in our house, so we drove down to the lake and sat chatting in our car. the odd thing about this, was that it was the park down by the lake where closeted gay men meet up for sexual encounters. we sat there in the car, watching single men wandering around alone, and occasionally disappearing with another man. it was a very odd activity to be a spectator for.