butterflies

things continue with this house business, and looks promising. i once bought a house but then backed out of it after the home inspection. i remember it being a very fraught time in my life. i don't know if i'm using that word in context. fraught. it was back in 2005, shortly after i first started pspd. i remember having my ear bent for a lot of opinions on the matter. it seems to be one of those issues that people have a lot of opinions about, and while pretty much everyone agrees that real estate is a good investment there's still a lot of advise that can be thrown at a young home buyer. it can be a lot to take in. the thing about this that differs from other things that people share opinions about is that finances seem to be an extremely personal thing. like naked personal. whenever we've spoken with financial advisors we've always left feeling exposed. people hide their finances the way they hide parts of their bodies.

there's a fixed vs variable debate taking place on my facebook profile at the moment. it's a lot harder to sift thru that i thought it would be. it's pretty much split 50-50 and everyone seems to be of the perspective that they're in the best option. at this point we've come to the conclusion that we need to pick the one that makes the most sense to us. there's downsides to both and upsides to both. when we decide i think i'd rather not tell anyone which we picked because it's not really a competition - we're not picking teams and there is no right or wrong. what's most important is that b and i find something we agree on and that we're happy with our choice.

i'm hoping things with the house will be firmed up before we head out of town for jo's wedding in ottawa. our dear friend joanne is getting married and i'm looking forward to celebrating with her and her groom. things change quickly. it feels like not long ago that jo was single, and now she's getting married. it's always nice to be reminded that things can change in exciting ways really quickly.

 

at arm's lengths
i will hold you there

español

it has been a roller coaster of a week. that being said, i've been trying to remain positive (albeit i fail miserably sometimes). yesterday i thoroughly enjoyed the rain. it was soothing.

we put an offer in on a house. the offer is for what we believe the house to be worth, however it's significantly lower than the asking price so it's unlikely that they'll accept it. it's my hope that they'll come down far enough that we can come to an agreement. it's funny because while i've been all upset and discouraged, brendan has been all happy and excited about the possibilities. this may be our biggest personality differences, and it was a challenge to let each other feel how they feel. things have normalized which i'm glad about. it turns out i have a killer credit rating, which was nice to hear. i'm careful with my finances so it's reassuring to hear i've done well and it'll pay off.

this morning i accidentally slashed my finger open with an exato knife. i was trying to remove the button from a pair of pants so i could re-sew it in a more comfortable position. it's tricky typing with a band-aid on.

have you ever heard of the true colours personality profile? i hadn't. it was part of one of b's clases yesterday and he came home to tell me "you're such a green". apparently that means that i'm a person who values competence - which is true. i don't know if i desire anything more for myself than to be capable. brendan's a blue. i like personality profiles. i learn a lot about myself and others - often it's things i know already but just needed someone to put it into words for me to understand it.

i came to your window,
threw a stone and waited.

mezzanine

much of last night was taken up with talk about mortgages, property lines, renovations, and house prices. it's beginning to look as though this house idea was just another blip on the radar that will soon disappear. after researching the house's value, we've come up with an offer that i'm fairly certain will be rejected without much consideration. that's ok. this has been a good trial-run. it makes me wonder how many times i will almost by a house before actually doing it. it makes me feel a little frustrated that i was right before when i concluded we weren't in the position to buy. frustrated may not be the right word, because it's truly by choice. we are happy with how we have our finances divided up. we want to only buy a house if it means our committments/lifestyle doesn't have to change. or at least if we did, it would have to be something remarkable and not just something that's 'good enough'. discouraged. discouraged is probably the right word.

for the sake of my future self, i will jot down some things i want in a house:
- good location
- good price
- 2 to 3 bedrooms
- an eat-in kitchen (or dinning room large enough for a farmer table)
- a front porch
- hard wood floors
- a shed
- some kind of foyer
- ample storage space
- a driveway
- a backyard with room for a big garden and a laundry line
- laundry facilities
- barber shop flooring in kitchen and/or bathroom
- white-painted trim and doors

at this point i don't have a lot of hope that we'll find something like that.

all that i hoped would change within me stayed.

main

t'is the season for apple picking, and that's what we did. the oldings and us went out to wyn farms and picked a half-bushel each. many of the apples were speckled with black stuff. tim was pretty picky about the quality of apple, and brendan was less picky but picked less. i'm glad it's fall and my food-pollen allergies have subsided for yet another year. these apples ARE delicious.

my head has been pretty jam packed for the last few days. brendan and i have been tossing around the idea of house-buying which is a big consideration with many pros and cons. as a result it's been difficult to think or talk about anything else. in considering a move, my thoughts turned to "the maxi pad" - where i've been living for 5+ years. it began to drag me down until i reached the point of crying a little bit. i felt better after my cry, which is good, but i wonder about my attachment to my home. i don't really understand why i feel so connected, that it would hurt or make me cry to think about leaving. in many ways the maxi pad was my coming of age home. which is important, but it's also healthy to move on i think. i love my balcony so much that it makes me wonder if i love it too much. i've kind of concluded that attachment is connected to a sense of belonging. i feel truly at home in my home, which is something i didn't always feel. it took me some time to feel that the maxi pad was mine. all this to say, is that it feels like moving, or the thought of moving, is quite similar to a break-up. i have to permanently part ways with it in order to move on. it stinks because my heart wants both things - again like a break-up. thankfully, just as in relationships, after my cry this weekend i feel more reconciled. i feel more mended, more ready to let go. a little bit more over it than i was, which is good. even if we end up deciding to not move any time soon, i feel that i've made an important step forward. i'm not holding on quite so tightly.

living room entered it's seventh season this year - which is nutts! it's hard to imagine that we've been meeting together and talking about elements of faith for so many years. it was a good start to the season, a good mix of different folks from different places and stations. i felt encouraged, that this will be a challenging and growing experience for us collectively.

 

we returned the dtv converter. andrew and shannon told us they don't work in kingston, that's why it didn't work properly. after our compromise of buying it, we were both happy about returning it. it's nice being on the same page again.

 

the borrower's debt is the only regret of my youth.

flummox

in the wake of last week's conversation with b about feeling at home in my space, and me not being able to watch tv on his computer anymore, we came to the conclusion (or more likely a poor compromise) that i would get a dtv converter box. that debate felt more like a lose-lose situation than a conclusion. as i tried to hook it up to our aged television, it did not go smoothly and i lamented how nothing ever goes straightforward for me. it ended up locating two channels and they didn't come in properly (or at all really), so i decided to quit for the rest of the evening. it would've been nice for it to work out, instead of be finicky because at least it would feel like some progress was made. this way we both felt disappointed, and neither of us are happy. i suppose that's the definition of compromise.

 

at best buy there was a line-up of folks, boy-men, camped out outside for a video game being released at midnight. i've never seen anything like that in my life before.

over the weekend we did an activity where we found a picture from a magazine that we felt reflected ourselves right now. later we were told to find another picture that represents who we want to be. i selected a cut out of a blond girl with straight long hair roughly around my age (it turns out it was sarah polley, but that wasn't immediately apparent since the top part of her face was folded over). i chose this image because i felt like it represents who i am as a girl. just a girl - plain and simple. a bit non-descript. the other was an image of a middle-aged black woman with her head thrown back in laughter. her laughing position is what drew me to her, but when i looked more closely i saw her confidence and liberty. she seemed to be self-assured and unaffected by how others view her, undisturbed by what others may think or how others may live. she's not rushed, she's not burdened. a number of people told me that they already see me as the second women, which is good and i take that to mean i'm on the right path. but my inner self is significantly less free than the laughing woman. i get too rattled by my surroundings and in general feel a lot less peace that i'd like to. i thought at first that i want to be ok with other people's choices, but i wonder now if it's actually that i want to be ok with my own. to be able to have others in my home without feeling embarrassed of clutter or visible mess. to be able to hear a different perspective and not feel defensive or angry. to speak up and be ok with being the only one who sees life thru my own private kalidoscope. to be the black woman in a white society without feeling alienated or in danger. it's one thing to love and accept who you are, and another to still love and accept yourself when you're surrounded. i know i have a long way to go, but the woman was a lot older than me, so i won't be too hard on myself for not being there quite yet.

 

after all is said and after all is done
God only knows which of them i'll become.

mini

it turned out to be a fantastic weekend. i really enjoyed spending time with everyone, getting the chance to connect and get better acquainted. it's fun cooking and eating together. doing chores and standing in the fire pit :) there was a talent show on saturday night and i showed several pictures that i'd worked on at work. other 'acts' ranged from musical performances to hammering to balancing to whistling to juggling. it was quite the event.

b and i camped in our little pup tent. it was cold but our sleeping bags were warm. i found i was quite comfortable aside from my face, which was rather chilly.

i really did have a fantastic weekend which was nice. i felt a bit lost upon returning home without my knitting/chatting buddies.

my family swung by shortly after we got home. they were visiting the fair and parked outside our pad. when the kids came up to visit the kitties they explored around our house even though they'd been here before. as joelle came out of our bedroom she said to me "where's uncle brendan's room?" i told her that we share a room, which surprised her because it's so small. she makes me laugh.

i had an important doctor's appointment today, and was pleased to be informed that all is well. it's nothing serious with long-term effects and can be managed with over-the-counter meds. it's been a long process but one that challenged and provoked me to consider possibilities and how life could unfold. i think i learned a lot as a result. it's good to reach the end and receive good news.

the borrower's debt is the only regret of my youth.

spot

adjusting to brendan being in school is beginning to be a challenge. things are great for him, and i'm very happy for him and pleased. for me, i get to experience change without all the positive perks. last night i felt sequestered in my room - unable to watch tv on his computer (because it was in use - mine is too slow for tv online), play music (loud and distracting), watch a movie, and we don't have a dtv converter so our bunny ears no longer work. besides b was studying in the living room, so i wouldn't be able to watch tv anyways. it felt a little like being single again but without the room to move in my own space. after a few hours of me struggling to express my feelings of boredom and loneliness, b and i managed to have a very productive conversation about it. it didn't occur to him that this change will be difficult in any way. at least not for me. i'm sure it will take some time to figure out our new dynamics. i'll soon have plenty to do and will be enjoying a new routine.

storytellers started up again this week. it was great sitting around rach's big table once again with friends. reading and writing together.

this weekend we're going away for a church retreat. all of next is taking off to echo lake camp. last time there wasn't a lot of accomodations, so we're going to stay in our little pup tent. that should be fun. i hope it's warm enough! i look forward to camping again. the idea of spending the whole weekend with people is a little overwhelming, and i hope that i'll have enough peaceful low-key time. i'm sure having our own tent/private space will help. there's going to be a talent show tomorrow evening. being a person without performing talents i decided to show some before and after pics i've created. i've turned it into a bit of a game, that i'm sure even the kids will excel at. i'm pleased about that. the funny thing is that as i thought about explaining what i do, i realized i could go on and on about it for quite a long time. but i'll try to keep it short. we have the whole weekend for those interested in ask me more about it.

 

so now i am older,

than my mother and father,

when they had their daughter,

now what does that say about me.

claim

according to the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy the answer is 42 :) i saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said "do you know where your towel is?" and it made me very happy.

the book 'reading lolita in tehran' is the memoir of a literature professor in iran during the revolutionary years between the late 70s to mid 90s. she's struggled to find a place of belonging and purpose in a society that has deemed her "irrelevant". it's interesting reading her thoughts on intellectuals. having never been to university, i've never thought of myself as an intellectual. i'm not a particularly educated person, but what she's been saying, especially as one who has been expelled from her job for refusing to wear a veil, is helping me to understand that intellectual is not actually the same as being an academic. one can be an academic without being an intellectual, and vise versa. that being said, after giving it some thought i've found that it's neither here nor there. what's important, what makes a person truly learned or insightful it not the ability to answer all the hard questions, but rather the ability to ask all the right questions. whether politics, or world issues, interpersonal relationships or personal reflection, one needs to know what the key questions are to really find out the answer. what alarms me is when people don't bother to even consider what questions are pertinent. i feel like the world would be a different place if people stopped to thinking about the questions.

it seems that my weight-loss has reached a standstill or at least a slow crawl, which is ok. i haven't been monitoring my intake that closely these days and i seem to be remaining at a healthy and comfortable size. i'm content with that. my mid-year resolution has been a bit tricky since returning from vacation. i hadn't fully gotten the hang of my new routine before we went away and i've since fallen off the wagon. when i fall off the cleaning wagon it usually takes me a long while to get upright again. but i will soon enough.
 
remember when you had me cut your hair?
call me 'delilah' then, i wouldn't care.

garden

she hasn't spoken to me in two and a half years. two years? is that right?... yes... two and a half years.

i don't think she'd recognize me if she saw me today. my person, not my physical self. perhaps the same is true of her as well - that i wouldn't know her at all. and that it would be like starting over. only there's no starting, only over. it's funny that in this half-half decade (i suppose the correct term is quarter decade) i have not bumped into her in this small city. well, we've passed on the street once or twice, but we haven't exchanged words at all. that being said, if i know anything about coincidental timing (irony? serendity?), i wouldn't be surprised if we will cross paths very soon now that i've made this statement. i wouldn't mind speaking with her, just getting up to speed a little. having some polite conversation in the grocery store aisle, but i suspect her resentment will never cease and my name will never be erased from her black list. there have been times when b has seen her, or thought he saw her around town. but they don't actually know each other, he just knows of her, so there's no telling if he saw her at all or if it was another.

sometimes it seems that i am a piece of stone, that is slowly being smoothed out - turning me into what i'm supposed to be. i believe it was michelango who used to say that his scupture existed inside the marble already and it was his job to uncover it. in a way i think that's what life is. we spend our days uncovering ourselves from the raw material so that we can fully expose the beauty of creation. a new area of myself is being uncovered. in the process of being smoothed out kindness has started to emerge. perhaps i was not unkind before, but kindness seems to be taking over my life in a very tangible way. i have a desire to be kind, a desire to have kind interactions. to speak kind words, and think kind thoughts. this is extremely new for me, and it's taking me by surprise, probably because it's happening without trying. in considering this i've realized that kindness is the predessor of love. i dig love. it's definitely something i value. but i'm struck by the reality that unless i'm kind, love is not expressed and it's not experienced. it's pretty much impossible to be kind without being loving. while in contrast to that i can think of oodles of instances where love is declared but is not followed by kindness. unlike love, it can't really be faked - either i'm kind or i'm not. i'm looking forward to exploring this more. i hope other rough spots are smoothed over in the process.

 

sim sala bim on your tongue.

valley

i came across the question "what is beauty" the other day. this intrigued me since i could not come up with any kind of answer for quite some time. it's not that i can't think of things that are beautiful, but i couldn't identify how they earned that label. i've concluded that beauty is that which overwhelms me - an experience, an art form, a perspective, a formed thought, a moment. while it's true that people and nature can be beautiful, it's not they in themselves that make them so. just as everything else, it's the response they invoke in the beholder that causes them to fall into that category.

on friday evening sarah, rach and i piled into the butler's volvo and headed of to jordin's cottage. there's really nothing like talking in a car or talking around a campfire - as fate would have it,,, we had the pleasure of doing both. it was truly very lovely. we arrived home quite late, but in spite of that i felt quite full from rich conversation.

all the loose ends would surround me again.

heart-shape bite

i lost a loaf of bread. i bought it at the grocery store on tuesday, and can't find it anywhere. this probably means that i accidentally left it at the grocery store when i was packing the bags. how annoying. it extra sucks because i paid for it fair and square.

you know how 17-year-old brendan planned to have kids and more guitars by age 30? well... on tuesday he bought another guitar, so he's one step closer. his new white fender strat has a maple neck and is mexican-made. when he started his job at startek we calculated he'd need X amount of money for school and the rest he could use to buy a new computer. that being said, he soon decided he'd prefer a new guitar than a bigger computer. he already had three - one red electric, one red resonator, one wood acoustic. they're all different kinds of guitars and all emit different sounds. while i don't understand why one would need two electrics, i don't mind that he's bought another one. it makes his face light up like nothing else. for a little while he was toying with not getting one, he questioned the use of money on something he doesn't technically need. however, i encouraged him to since now is the time for such kinds of purchases - when he's young and has limited financial obligations. on tuesday after his first day of school he took the bus to renaissance to order his very specific guitar only to arrive and discover they had the EXACT ONE available on the floor. he's been perfectly gleeful ever since.

the weather had turned quite cold, but i'm kind of happy about it. i'm ready for warmer clothes and breathing in cooler air. i'm ready for the change of pace and the shorter days. i don't usually feel that way about fall. which in itself a nice change. it was a good summer, it'll be a good autumn too.

what's my name, what's my station.

library

*sigh*

i'm easily stressed out today. i'm not sure why. two things spring to mind and in both cases i know i'm going to disappoint people (which i hate doing) so i feel anxious about how i'm going to handle each situation. i'm sure neither are a big deal, but i haven't been able to shake it.

brendan and shanno start school today. i'm looking forward to hearing about how it went. classes start tomorrow, today is just an orientation. i printed out a copy of b's schedule and colour coded each class so i can "follow along at home". part of me wants a copy of shanno's schedule too :p i'm excited for them.

nancy and gerry bought a trailor at a park near mallorytown. on saturday we took a drive out there and spent the day with them. we had a lovely time, although i wasn't feeling great. i got clothes-lined by maisie's leash on my achilles heel, then almost immediately after twisted my other ankle on the stairs. for some reason the twisted ankle made me dizzy and nausiated, i was seeing purple spots and had to lie down. it took the rest of the day to feel normal again.

sunday brought us a family reunion with brendan's uncle's family. i'd never met them before, because the two families are not close, but they were in town for nana's birthday. it went better than expected and i quite enjoyed myself. they were more normal and down to earth than some members of my extended family. ben & meg managed to make it and every just cooed over audrey - it would be hard not to!

since we returned from camping, our back porch has been in complete chaos. to be fair, it wasn't that tidy before we went to bon echo. there was still supplies and items from our wedding that were waiting to be dealt with and put away. thankfully, since we were both at home we managed to tackle it and it really didn't take too long. that was a nice change since we haven't been able to tackle home organization together for months because brendan worked weekends. it's nice having him around again. to treat ourselves we orded a pizza for dinner :) when going thru some boxes, brendan found an old assignment he did in philosophy class. the teacher had them answer a bunch of answers then sealed the envelop and said they couldn't open it until 2011. we were pretty excited to discover it could be opened now, so we sat down to read what he'd written. it was pretty funny stuff - the contents of a 17 year olds brain. it was also very enlightening how he'd changed so much. back then he valued money and music above all else. now he values people/relationships and simple living. my favourite part was the "in 5, 10, 15 years i hope to be..." section. it made me laugh that he expected to meet his future life-partner in a grocery store. hahahahaha. by age thirty he thought he'd have kids and more guitars. hahahahahaha. i found the whole thing surprising and hilarious. brendan found it disappointing and poorly written. his answers were pretty self-indulgent and not as well thought out as teenager-brendan thought they were.

remember how i was telling you about my ambitions to go boot shopping?? well i found a pair! i looked at 7-8 stores at the mall and the riocan centre. these boots were at the second store i visited. they were exactly what i was looking for, and the cheapest too! i'm very pleased with myself. here they are. mine are chocolate brown. even though they were on sale, they were still significantly more than i planned on spending. brendan and i abide by a set budget that includes weekly spending money (i usually refer to this as my allowance). it's basically money ear-marked for general fun spending - restaurants, movies, clothing, books, music, concerts, etc etc. it's a pretty great system. it's nice having spending money built into our budget, it means no guilty spending! the reality is when we get to the end of our allowance that's it for that week. so i didn't want to blow my entire allowance, and then some, on my boots. so i've developed a payment plan for myself. for the next 3 weeks i will pay $22.50 towards my boots, which means i still have the rest of my money for other spending. this week we went to see the help and ordered that pizza. excellent! i'm quite pleased, it's a win-win situation.

 

love is the coal
that makes this train roll.

cloves

cooking is not something i'm particularly comfortable with, but brendan tells me that i'm a good cook. i've never been much of a foody, but it seems i'm turning into one. while this is taking place, i'm simultaneously becoming more interested in clothes. i've always felt that clothes are an important part of self-expression, but i didn't really pay that much attention to "fashion" (for lack of a better word). but this summer i've been enjoying the different variety of clothes i've been wearing, and the extra items i've picked up at value village and the freedom sale. with both clothing and food, i'm discovering that when it tastes good, or is comfortable and flattering, both are really quite enjoyable and change my experience. it's not even that hard. it just takes a little creativity and a little forethought.

today i'm excited because i have alfalfa sprouts on my egg salad sandwich (still really digging the sandwich lunch!). and after work (fingers crossed!) i'm going on a hunt for some inexpensive low-heel, knee-high boots for work and general outings. i'm a thrifty person, so i know it will be challenging to find a boot that i like and is inexpensive. i was looking online last night and found an awesome pair for $270 - which i couldn't bring myself to spend on a pair of boots even if i had that kind of spare money. both rach and jill found great boots at value village (oddly enough, they're actually identical boots, only bought at separate times and one pair is brown leather and the other pair is a greenish swade), i'm going to try there first but in my experience... it's almost impossible to find what you're looking for when you have something specific in mind.

last night we walked over to ben and meg's place to have a visit with them and audrey. meg's mom was there, and we really enjoyed getting to know her better. audrey was super lovely as usual. so cute. she's so tiny and her little hands and feet are adorable. i'm feeling a little rusty, after all it's been a while since i held a baby so when she cried i didn't quite know what to do. but i suppose all babies are different and what soothes one doesn't necessarily soothe another, so being rusty or not doesn't really have anything to do with it. maybe it's just confidence, it's probably fair to say that i'm not particularly confident with babies - especially other people's. whenever i babysat i felt more comfortable when it was just me and the baby instead of me, the parents and the baby. i really enjoyed sitting next to her on the couch, meg's mom and i would ooh and aww over all her facial expressions. she's so sweet. like candy :)

 

lost for you
i'm so lost for
you.