affix

i've spent the entire evening working on my mailbox.

that's a strange sentence :p i made a stencil and spray painted it on. here's a picture. cutting out the branches took much longer than i expected it to, but i think it looks really awesome.


last week mayelin and i befriended this new girl at work, who's a summer student. she started a week earlier than the other students. i wondered to myself if she'd still hang-out with us when the others started. at lunch time we were sitting in the cafeteria and she totally snubbed us. it was retarded. like, who does that!?!? i have no problem with her not joining us for lunch, i enjoy my lunch breaks just with mayelin, but ceasing to be friendly is uncalled for. it really shows the difference in our age. as much as i've always clung to my youth i'm starting to recognize that i'm maturing, there's no way around it. and i suppose that's not that bad.

i'm pmsing. it's rough. it feels like crazy comes in like the tide. but what can we do? nothing, i'm trying to just embrace it and know it will pass.

yesterday morning i was boiling an egg when i heard a little "chirp, chirp" sound coming from the pot. i found it quite alarming, so i picked up the phone and called melissa to find out if it's possible that there's a little chick inside (not only is she my resident nurse, but she's also my resident farm-girl). she wasn't there so i left a message then proceeded with caution. not surprising, it was a normal egg. but man, it was funny. i got quite a kick out of it. i wonder what caused that sound!

i was a hero
early in the morning.
i ain't no hero
in the night.

bullfrog

today i started knitting my sox. it's quite difficult and intricate. i can't twist my hands enough. i'm not convinced that i'm a good knitter, only the people who can't knit are impressed by me. i'm sloppy and don't care about doing things perfectly.

my mind is drawing a blank and i can't recall what i was going to say. it only bothers me because i've been hit by a stun gun and being prepared didn't help the slightest. i made the right decision.

i think it's fair to say that i'm a self-taught thinker. sometimes i feel inferior to the people around me because of my lack of formal education. well like, i went to college and am a "successful" graphic designer, and there's no doubt in my mind that i'm on the right career path. but i sometimes feel frustrated, and not up to par with the intellectuals around me. but i have a good mind, and there's little i can't grasp.

i inwardly feel relieved when i come home to find i have no messages. it means i haven't disappointed anyone. no conflicting schedules.

my mom was very encouraging to me today. i think i'm someone she aspires to be like which is a really assuring concept. it helps counterbalance the onset of pms. at least i'm doing SOMETHING right.

oh, how sadly we mortals are deceived
by our own imagination.

plaid

yesterday was a red letter day, and today is an anniversary. i moved into the maxi-pad one year ago today! wow, i can't believe it! it's kind of neat to think i've done a lap and from here on i have experience with my house. now i know what it's like in every season.

i'm feeling established and it's nice. now that i've bought a pizza cutter and a curtain rod, the next things on my list are a garlic press and an ice cream scoop (the kind with the ejection lever). hm, i don't think i'll be eating pizza anytime soon, do you think i can christen my pizza cutter by cutting toast or something??

i am not the bubonic plague.

this afternoon i called my sister's house and joelle answered. she's been answering the phone since she was about 2 and a half, but she's only now really getting the hang of conversation. i asked her "who's there?" and she said "your mommy, and granddad – your daddy". i like that she's finally connecting the dots. she understood that my mom was joy's mommy, but didn't seem to quite understand where auntie lesley fit in the mix. now that she knows who my parents are, i wonder if she understand that her mommy is my sister. hm, i'll ask her tomorrow.

i was over at melinda's place helping her set up her studio space. it's a great area, it's going to be supa when it's done. i like that she had her itunes on random, i think i'll set my itunes to random for a little while too.

i'm feeling more like a grown-up and less like a little girl.

i'm staring into nothing
and i'm asking you why.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

p.s. since i haven't shown you any pictures of pekoe & honey
in a bit, i thought i'd post a couple.

broccoli

i know.
i did not forget.

this evening melinda and i went a number of stores looking for bargains. well i was looking for inexpensive household items, and she was with me. we walked around saying "i'd buy that if it was.... $4" then check to see the price. i pleased – got a pizza cutter, curtain, cool mugs for 2 bux and a mailbox! i've still got to get a new curtain rod or two, but i'll get one tomorrow at s&r. i've decided that i need an ottoman, a red one preferably.

i also bought my first pair of double-pointed knitting needles and am going to knit a pair of sox. i'm excited. i welcome a knitting challenge.

i'm on a roll with reading out-loud. i'm obsessed. today at work i was reading everything i got my hands on aloud but in a whisper. it's fun. i'm glad about my new enthusiasm. i even read out-loud to melinda a bit this evening. when we used to live together and she'd come talk to me while i was reading, i'd start reading out-loud to get her to go away. not because i was terrible, most of the time it was because she thought my books were awful. one time she was so appalled by the book i was reading that she and matt made me make a book-cover because they didn't think i should be seen in public with it. that was the one about the christian pirates, and quite truthfully it's cover did look like a harlequin romance.

one of my favourite things about foreign films is that i get so absorbed by them that i only remember them in english. it's neat.

do you ever think of me?
'cause i'll be thinking of you,
and you'll be thinking of... yourself.

fortitude

i think i'll try my hand at gardening. well, not so much gardening as having indoor plants. oh, and i'm going to have an outdoor plant-pot too. but historically, its been indoor plants that i'm highly unsuccessful with. fru used to eat all my plants. so i always just kept a bamboo plant, but it's past it's best, and is about to be thrown out. it's possible that honey and pekoe won't have the plant eating tendency, so i'll try to convert my brown-thumb to a green-thumb. i like plants, they make homes more homely, more soft and more human. i like my plant in my cube, it makes it feel less stagnant.

today the new summer student said "i was thinking, all my friends are starting to get engaged, probably all your friends are having babies". it was sort of cool that she recognizes we're in different stages, but at the same time, i felt weird because i have yet to hit the "all my friends are getting engaged" stage. i find it odd that that it's apparently passed me by.

honey's neck is doing much better, although her cold doesn't seem to be improving any. BUT the bottle of medicine says i have to give it to her twice a day for 21 days, so i guess i shouldn't expect it to clear up pronto.

i feel kind of silly, but i think my out-loud reading is improving a great deal. i realize this seems retarded, but everyone has SOMETHING they're crappy at. no one should look down on me for being vocally illiterate. besides, being open this way just makes me vulnerable and there's nothing wrong with that. i've discovered that if i read every word i see... than everything flows smoothly. yup, i analyzed myself and found that i gloss over most words so my reading out-loud isn't really reading at all, it's more like guessing at the written word. oh i'm a silly girl.

sometimes i feels like my life is one big self-improvement. i'm always tackling something new.

all the reasons i gave were just lies to buy myself some time.

unsightly

summer student season is upon us. i met the first one today. she seemed really excited to see another young person and immediately assumed that mayelin and i were summer students as well. funnily enough she knows melinda and went on about how she was this cool hippy grade 11 girl. it was funny, mayelin was laughing but i looked at her and nodded because it was true.

this evening i decided to go onto my back porch (it's enclosed but not heated so i haven't been able to use it all winter) and work on a puzzle. i got very carried away and ended up finishing the whole thing. i was extremely surprised when i came thru to the house to discover that it was after 10:00!! wow! time flies when you're doing a puzzle!

i could have used a roach clip to hold the garlic as i grated it for my dinner.

i've been very reluctant to commit to anything lately. if i feel people have expectations of me it makes me want to shake them off. sometimes i find when i do something consistently for a while, i end up forming others expectations of me. they expect things to continue that certain way. i like having the freedom to change things up. i need routine, but only a very loosely formed routine. so instead of resenting the expectations, i'm just trying to let them slide, like water off a ducks back. and hope that consistency doesn't ultimately lock me in to commitments i didn't actually commit to.

tell me what to say i'll be your mouthpiece.

bingo

i'm really terrible at reading out-loud. and it makes me feel ridiculous that i'm 27 and when i'm reading out-loud it seems i have a grade 5 reading level. when in fact, i'm a good reader. i read a lot! i read big books, i have a fairly broad vocabulary. my reading comprehension is quite high, it's just reading out-loud. it trips me up, i get breathless, i add in words that aren't there. it's frustrating. last week at storytellers anonymous we had to read out-loud what we'd written. it was very embarrassing. because i'm not an idiot, i just struggle when i read out-loud. so i've decided to start practicing. i used to do that, i'd read my bible out-loud to myself, but i guess at some point i couldn't be bothered anymore, so i reverted to silent reading. my logic tells me it's just a matter of practice and i'll eventually get the hang of it. and maybe some day feel almost comfortable reading to a group of people.

for the first time in my life, i think i may have a good head on my shoulders. so many times i've been betrayed by myself. but i've been getting my mind, soul and body aligned. unified for the greater good.

time is fabulous. isn't it amazing what a little time will do? i dunno, so far i haven't faced anything that a little time can't heal or set straight. step back – space brings perspective.

my mayonnaise expired on april 11, do you think it's unwise to use it in a potato salad?? i need some advise.

your life, little girl,
is an empty page
that men will want to write on.

etc

if i didn't know any better, i would have thought i was in-love this morning. i was so giddy and excited to be awake. i realized, it's the spring and the promise of summer. the love-affair begins with may.

good news, the cats don't have fleas and mites anymore. yay! pekoe is in good health, honey has been put on 2 forms of antibiotics because of her cold, and has an unrelated gash on her neck (i presume from them play fighting). so they shaved her neck and i have to put antibacterial stuff on it twice a day. there's a big lump as well, so if it doesn't clear up they're going to have to do a biopsy. oh dear. SO EXPENSIVE! frig, spending money is killing me. slowly.... haha, ok i'm just kidding. next on the agenda? koe gets the old snipperoo.

this evening i was in a rush to get to the vet on time, so i wolfed down my food faster than i ever have before. i was SHOCKED! i eat slowly. i like to eat slowly, i pretty much do everything slowly. except talk and drive.

last night i slept with my window open. it was wonderful. although, having an open window created an awareness of sleep uncommon to me.

there's bird poop on my balcony. now, usually i wouldn't be excited to see bird poop on my newly painted balcony, BUT i choose to see it as evidence that a bird had visited my bird feeder, since it was on the floor right below it. i've been hoping that the fact that my bird feeder is on the second-storey that it will catch the eye of my soon-to-be-bird-friends. you know, it's in their line of fire.

how come nothing tastes good?

fruition

so far my bird feeder isn't much of a hit with the birds. i'm hoping it will catch on, maybe it's still a little early.

my bum is a little sore from riding my bike. maybe i'm out of shape, but i definitely feel the burn when i bike up hill. my body just has to get used to it, break out of it's winter hibernation.

this afternoon i spontaneously stopped by the erb's to meet august. he's a lovely baby, and i'm really not just saying that! not every baby is cute, but he definitely is. i appreciate that rachel didn't offer to let me hold him. i like babies, but i prefer just looking. i'm not the kind of person always wants to hold them, when my niece & nephew were born i was shocked by the number of strangers who would come up to joy and ask to hold them. that seemed so nervy!

tonight was the last night of living room for the season. next week we're having a movie night, but that doesn't really count as a normal living room event. it's funny when you're right at the end of something, and you know it's over, yet it doesn't feel part of the past because it's still so fresh. it's been a good experience and once again i enjoyed it. it was more work than last year, and coincided with some trying times for me, but it was really great. the people were great and i learned a lot both from the study and from the people who came. as i look back on this year, it required more of me than i thought i was capable of. and it just reminds me that we often don't know what we're good at until we try. i have new challenges ahead of me, things that both make me nervous and excite me. i breathe deep.

even if we knew which way to head,
still we probably wouldn't go.

magnolia

melissa and i drove out to millhaven today to collect limestone rocks for her garden. my office is in millhaven, and every day i drive past several rock cuts with loose rock. it was funny because as we drove out there, i kept saying "it's still a little farther" or "it's still about 10 minutes", melissa would say "wow! it IS far". it's true, i drive a long way out into the boonies to get to work. it was fun showing her my office, even if it was just the outside. and i was able to show her the test-track where we walk every day at lunch time. on the way home we stopped in collins bay and i showed her my childhood home. i lived there from 3 years old to 20. driving thru that neighbourhood, i was reminded of all the people i knew who lived in each of the houses. and i was surprised by how small each house seemed. it was fun. we also went to produce town. i was so excited because i'd never been there before. that was neat too.

the rest of the day i spent working around the house. i'm enjoying feeling like an established grown-up. slowly, slowly i've been getting all the items for my house that i need. one thing i still need is a pizza cutter. that and a small curtain rod.

i miss venus. i've grown attached to that image as a symbol of graphic design. so that adobe has done away with that trademark symbol it's very sad. well not really, but you know.

thats why its nice to be by yourself.

rickshaw

i'm beat.

this evening i scraped, sanded, swept and painted my balcony. i've been meaning to do it since i moved in, but didn't get around to it since i didn't think it was urgent. but last fall i started to worry that the wood may be rotting, and since it's not supposed to rain til monday i thought this was a good time to do it. i'm pretty exhausted but it's a great kind of tired. i love my balcony, it's practically my summer living room. i spend 80% of my at home time out there (if you exclude sleeping). although, i'd forgotten how exposed it is to the world. i'm very "on-display" out there. it faces the road and this is a pretty busy street, there's always people walking, biking, skate-boarding and driving by. it makes people watching very easy since there's alway someone to spy on. one of my favourite things about my balcony is that it can't be accessed from the ground. the only door into my apartment is in the backyard. so i can sit out there til the wee hours of the morning and still be safe from any hoodlum on the street. i've taken back the night!

after i was cleaned up, i went out with nurse melissa for ice cream, we went to ben & jerry's. i'd never been there before because we usually go to white mountain. ah, i'm so excited that ice cream season is back. and balcony season :)

i have this problem that i forgot how to dress appropriately for spring. i keep underestimating the warm weather – wearing sox & closed-toe shoes. long-sleeve shirts and my new vest. i just don't want to take any chances that i could get a little cold if i don't wear enough layers. BUT i have taken the step of removing the plastic from my window. this makes THREE reasons why it can't snow again (bike outside, no plastic on window, freshly painted balcony).

earlier today i bought a bird feeder to hang from my awning. i'm so excited :) i didn't accomplish anything i intended to tonight. yay for spontaneity!

now who here among us still believes in choice?
not i!

negotiate

ah.
fluffy
pink
sox.

i wonder if it's safe for me to remove the plastic from my windows.

this evening i went for my first bike ride of the season. i spent 50¢ on air for its tires. 50¢ is too much money for air. for goodness sakes. i rode my bicycle down to the public library where i attempted to sign out a book, BUT the books i was looking for were all signed out. i love the library, i just find it hard finding good books there, seeing as they're all interspersed with the crappy ones. i perpetually fall for the judging a book by its cover.

i love riding my bike. and i'm delighted that it's once again bike-riding season. i do recognize the irony that on monday we had a massive snow storm and by today it's safe to store my bike outside. i was thinking on the way home that it wasn't until i was 25 that i knew how to change gears. sometimes i just don't think to find an easier way of doing things. biking, even though it's a physical action, is very mind-consuming. it's quite difficult for me to really spend time thinking about much other than the sights i see around me. unlike walking, walking requires less alertness. i'm going to be quite sore for the next few days. even walking upstairs was strenuous.

i got reacquainted with this city that was separated from me by the winter. skeleton park. the store famous. queen's campus. vic park. often as i bike past these places i recall events and people. but i'm also keenly aware of the fact that they may also contain traces of my future too. a number of years ago i biked up york street and laughed at this little white house whose driveway was paved right up to its front door. and lo and behold! that's where i live now!

i fear that the batmobile is going to be needing a repair. i hate money. a scarier thought is that the batmobile is aging and may not be with me much longer. yikes, and i thought i was strapped for cash now!

nothing lasts forever
that's the way it's gotta be.

relinquish

this evening was my first night at story-tellers anonymous. it's a little group formed by al and others from the rustle-next marriage. the purpose is to produce a zine. i've planned to attend since i first caught wind of it in december, but when it actually started up in february i was crashed and felt i had already reached my limit of involvement in everything. but since my realization that i need some newness in my life, i decided the time was now to join. the get together began at 7 at rustle. i walked. on the way i felt the weirdest sensation, my right foot was falling asleep starting at tip of my toes and made it's way back over my sole. it was odd walking with numb feet (the left foot caught on as well, but not to the same extent). however, by the time i arrived all was back to normal. among friends and new acquaintances i felt out of my element. i'm not a writer. i'm a lesley. whatever that is. i'll try my best, but i'm scared i may get 'cut' for not being up to par. or even worse they might include my bit out of kindness.

unspoken secrets. without a look or any acknowledgment at all, there is understanding. the secrets are kept. i feel driven to keep more secrets. i'm not hoarding information. i'm not even trying to be more private. i'm simply trying to use digression and not blab everything to "unsafe people". because rarely does something only involve me. but if something doesn't exist is there really a secret to be had? in a sense. my ego is bruised. i want to matter, more than a little.

i read a saying posted on the boards at work today "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got". mull that one over a bit.

and super big congrats to rach and jase on the arrival of august everett erb! high-fives for big sisters astrid & muirgen too ;)

you do not need to stand on one foot.

java

i think the next car i get will be super little and purely economical. i like the idea of having a tiny geo metro or something – it's really funny. today more parts fell off the batmobile. but who cares, i didn't need that part anyway.

i was reading the new canadian food guide and i'm really coming up sort in the fruit/veggie and grains category. hm. it's just not possible for me to eat that much food! i realize the servings don't need to be very big, but what would my diet have to look like in order to cram all those portions in!?!? craziness.

i was fantasizing today about living on wolfe island. have i told you about that?? i hope to live on wolfe island in my 30s. that should be a neat experience! it's an interesting little community out there.

this evening i went to melissa's to hangout. we sat on her couch and walked gilmore girls. than paused live t.v. to run to the store for milk. she's a lovely lady and i enjoy our friendship a lot. we're quite different. i was excited because today i received my brochure back from the printer. so i took it with me to show her. i'm very proud of it, it's my best one yet. PLUS the print job was excellent and the quality is astounding.

today i was thinking about a near death experience i had as a teenager. even though i LOVE trains and am a self-proclaimed "train-nerd", i used to be afraid of them. melinda, this guy bram and i were walking to home from school – taking a short-cut by cutting across the train-tracks across the street from my school. because i was scared of trains i wanted to go run across the tracks before a train came. as i ran, i heard a horn and looked to see a train about 20ft away from me!! i'd been so focused on crossing the tracks before a train came that i didn't even think to look both ways before i crossed!! i'm an idiot. total close call. melinda and bram were stunned.

i'm living in an age
that calls darkness light.

socrates

i am cozy. in spite the rain, slush, sleet and wind. i'm cozy and well.

just don't piss in my flowerbeds.

things are working out. falling into place. i've discovered that in the circumstances where things don't go smoothly, it's often because i haven't the slight clue what i'm doing.

i'm kind of like a guy in that i only read instructions when things are working. which is funny because frank is the total opposite – prints out every manual and reads every word. he is wary, i am speedy. i charge ahead.

i've started checking my motives. i ask myself probing questions to find any disguised justification for my actions. i'm checked out ok.

funny this word 'ok'. last week i would have defined ok as 1) scraping by, 2) the bare minimum 3) still alive/still breathing. when today i define ok as 1) firmly grounded/established, 2) taken care of, 3) all right/as it should be. i like this week's definition best. there's nothing wrong with being just ok, it's usually just a starting line anyway.

they are the lanterns and you are the light.

quench

you're not here. yet there's remnants of you every where i go.

i'm getting my second wind. fresh air is blowing thru me and it's stoking the flames of hope. there've been times in my life, experiences that were excruciating, almost unbearable, but when i came out the other side i knew i was better for enduring them. right now i'm walking thru the fire. it hasn't been enjoyable, definitely not a feather in my cap, but no doubt character building. sometimes i get angry and want to yell at the sky "I HAVE ENOUGH CHARACTER. STOP WITH THE CHARACTER BUILDING ALREADY!!" but i recently discover that my stubbornness, my blatant refusal to learn, only hinders me. it makes me stunted.

my imagination is setting sail inside my head.

arcade

whoa, i have quite a lot to say since i didn't write yesterday. i have a bad cold and came home from work yesterday before noon. so i went to bed early before writing an entry. my voice is raspy and as sexy as sin. actually, it's not sexy at all. more like as ugly as sin.

anyway, yesterday i picked up a bag of clothes my mom's house that she's been trying to convince me to get rid of for probably seven years. when i got home, i started to go thru it and found that these sentimental clothes from high school actually FIT!! i'm excited for two reason, one – being the same size as i was in high school is a huge accomplishment, and two – i get to wear my totally tubular plaid bell-bottoms once again!! yay!! i LOVE those pants. so awesome.

tonight, rhonda and i went to see blades of glory, and man, i'm telling ya THAT's a hilarious movie. we laughed our asses off. after that we went to indigo and ended up having quite a long conversation in the aisle of the music section, so i suggested we go to the goat. we had a nice day full of activities. i really like days like that, living alone it's rare that i spend more than 4 hours with a single person. that's one thing i miss about having housemates.

beckie suggested to me recently that maybe i need to meet some new people. and as i've thought of it, i think she's right. i've been in a bit of a rut. in need of a change, something new. so making new friends may hit the spot. we're entering a season of change, so who knows WHO i might meet this summer! since my social detox began in february, i've remained stepped back. i'd kind of decided it was time for me to "let go of some friendships" and see if those relationships fizzle out without my initiative or if they'll carry on. kind of pull the life-support to see what happens. this was not a "test", it was more a matter of sifting my relationships – seeing which ones had substance and which didn't. of the friendships that have fizzled, i'm not surprised by any of them. and i actually feel better knowing that i'm not putting lots of effort into relationships that are just hanging by a thread. but i think my social detox is over, and i want to be socially engaged again.

i've started calling pekoe: koe-koe. haha. i really like it and think it suits him. i find it funny because it reminds me of that gorilla.

my place is a bit of a mess right now because i didn't do my dishes before bed yesterday or put away my bag of clothes. even though its 1:27 in the morning, i'm going to make myself do those things, i don't want to suffer tomorrow for yesterday's mistakes.

me and the cats have got our heads up to the screen,
we're watching the rain make everything clean.

intern

oh my goodness. this is so funny AND rather ironic. especially because i got locked out of my computer today. HAHAHA. corporate strong bad

yok

honey and pekoe make the stinky more than fru. so, i have to clean out the kitty litter like every 5 minutes. their names aren't rolling off my tongue as naturally as i'd like. i LOVED fru's name. i still do. although, when i look back, he DID have to grow into it. AND i had second-thoughts about it when i first got him. i still miss fru-fru.

i have this thing about single beds. i find them very funny. i especially find adults with single beds funny. the strange thing about that is that i'm an adult with a single bed. however, i don't discount the irony of the situation. regardless, i LOVE having a single bed. it's so much more practical! takes up less space AND i really don't move much – i just rotate from side to back to side to front – a single bed is all i need. maybe some day i'll get a headboard, but not a footboard because i like sleeping with my feet hanging off the end of my bed. it's this new thing i do.

did i tell ya i got the results of my heart monitor?? everything is fine. they did find it was beating fast, but not beyond "normal". she did mention that on the occasions that i recorded it beating fast they did find i had some extra heart beats in there. if it's bothersome than there's some medication they could put me on, but they tend to create a lot of negative side-effects.

i've heard a lot of people complaining about the rain. last week when i was pmsing, my mom suggested my funk was related the weather. i've actually really been enjoying the damp weather. each rainy day brings us closer to summer and washes winter away more and more. i LOVE that the snow from my 10 by 10 front lawn is gone. it tickles me pink.

garnish your soul.

oh look at the trees and look at my face and look at a place far away from here.

engulf

do i live in a poem? and if i do, what is a poem without tradegy and without splendor? my head is in the clouds, how do i get my feet on solid ground? perhaps my boots aren't made for walking.

i think you are the paper and i am the line.

i have the window in my living room open and can feel the air coming in. it's neither warm or cold. it's refreshing. i've sat there most of the evening, and before i knew it i'd read 74 pages of my new book. funny because when i started it earlier today i doubted whether it would engage me. i'm glad, i've needed an alternative reality to lose myself in. otherwise, if left to my own devices i'd just cook up trouble.

sometimes i touch up my make-up even though i'm just spending the evening at home alone. i'm delighted to find myself doing these things just for me. and why not? i've no one to impress except for me, and besides, that's much more easily done :)

haunted by a past i just can't see anymore.

ukulele

i've deemed my cube "the cube of boredom".

i'm doing well though, i've had a semi-relaxing evening, it still feels quite early. i've been a little tired today though, so i'm gonna try and hit the hay early.

a conversation with beckie got me thinking about the female ego. we hear a lot about the male ego, but what about the female ego?!?! i wonder what would be identified as the female ego. hm, i wonder if we're even allowed to have egos. the WORD 'ego' even sounds masculine.

honey and pekoe had their first appointment at the vet tonight. i really like my vet, she's super nice and was so excited when she saw i was booked for an appointment. she felt really bad for me when we had to put fru down. she raved about these two and i felt very proud of them. honey weights 1.9 kg and pekoe weights 2.4 kg – so they ARE significantly different sizes. it turns out that they both have fleas AND ear mites. ugh. and i have some medication i have to rub into honey's eyes for the next 10 days because of the pus. ugh again.

so BASICALLY i'm really poor right now, and i presume i'm about to get poorer. BUT i'm spending barely anything for the next while, that should compensate. but whatever, i'll be fine. what's so great about money anyway?? nothing. besides, i take pleasure in the challenge of stretching my money. like this week i only spent $19 on groceries! and believe you me, i eat pretty well! and really... i usually don't have much food anyway. melissa commented last week that my fridge was the fullest she's ever seen it. hahaha.

i'm feeling pretty content. i like how my life has stabilized and so far i'm not even itching for some drama. that may make for a dull pspd, but no doubt some excitement will spring up at some point. i love that in my head i see myself as the captain of this massive ship and i'm standing at the bow with a pirate hat and a telescope ready to yell "land ho!" what's the connection? well, the waves of my life have just calmed a little. perhaps we're just in the eye of the storm...

this is a fairly long entry, i wonder why it still feels like i've said nothing. except that pirate part – that was GOLD!

i could take away the shaking knees,
and i could give you all the olive trees.

proxy

oh my goodness. the funniest thing happened today. i was at a dinner party at (let's keep him anonymous) a co-worker's house. while he and marilyn were in the kitchen april says to mayelin and i "what's that bottle over there?" we look to see a bottle of lube sitting on a bookshelf in the dinning room!! "motion lotion". HAHAHAHAHA. it was so funny and creepy. because he's a single older man. what the heck is it doing there!?!?! shocking. i think people regularly look at round other people's homes for incriminating items but you NEVER actually see anything!

live to the hilt!

i will never be unaffected. there's no sense in trying to convince myself that i won't be. although, i'm trying to remind myself that very few people actually care about the crazy details of my life. the self-inflicted drama. it's kind of a relief to know the general public doesn't give a damn. my friends and family care and that's what matters. i am self-important, but i eat my own humble pie. and i'm not a good cook. i suppose instead of fighting the fact that i care about everything deeply, i should embrace it. except it can be exhausting being passionate ALL the time.

aw frig. i wanted to be home much earlier tonight. i tried to excuse myself early, but marilyn told me i wasn't leaving til i helped with the dishes, so i argued back that we had to start them right then, because i wanted to go. i like that marilyn and i bicker, it shows that we've worked together a long time. anyway, in spite the fact that it's only 9:40 i'm going to get ready for bed. i'm exhausted. and my stomach is full of flan.

we've both been very brave,
walk around with both legs.

appelkaka

the time has come. the time when joelle starts to wonder things about me. she asked joy "why doesn't auntie lesley have any babies?" joy simply told her it's because i'm not married and that you have to be married to have babies. then, without thinking she said "that's why she has two cats". she cringed realizing how bad that sounded. i suppose it's somewhat true that i don't have kids because i'm unmarried, but i think it's more accurate to say "because she doesn't want any yet". i never thought i'd have kids at 27, nor did i want to. i have a long way to go before reaching that stage. i'm still coming of age.

i heard yesterday the saying "it's to your credit to overlook an offense". i think that's completely true. i'll stick that in my pipe and smoke it.

i fear that he has somehow slandered my reputation and she's now afraid of me thinking i'm a psycho. i've done many things in my life that i'm not proud of, but falling in love with a nutjob is the least of my crimes.

listening to depressing johnny cash covers on repeat isn't always the best way to spend easter sunday. or any day for that matter. thankfully changing my tunes broke me out of my lethargic state.

this afternoon we sat around the table at my sisters house. the 7 of us. what a ride we've been on together. i have it amazingly good. my "broken home" is more complete, more joyful and more loving than many traditional homes. i'm SO THANKFUL that my parents get along. and i'm so glad that after all these years, we are once again one unit. let this be a lesson to me, that not everything good happens right when we want it to. not everything good comes in the form we're expecting. i've experience great disappointments in my life, but what is crooked is always made straight.

give me your eyes,
i need sunshine.
your blood,
your bones,
your voice,
and your ghost.

obliterated

well... picture this. me gallivanting around the king-of-towns trying to get the right RAM and trying to get it installed. i ended up in amherstview at the laird's new place, where together, brandon and i figured out the inner workings of my imac. well it was mostly brandon but i watched and now consider myself a pro. i like how we vacuumed out all the dust :D so, that being said, i have now increased the RAM on my computer by 400%. unfortunately, the difference isn't THAT noticable, which is a little disappointing. i hoped it would blow my sox off! regardless, i now have my entire CS2 software happily installed. all is good. and legit.

ooh, my family just arrived to meet the kitties. brb.

well, both honey and pekoe were quite shy with the kids and spent most of their time hiding. i was disappointed that they'd react that way, i'm not a fan of recluse kitties. but they're not usually like that, so hopefully they were just overwhelmed by having two loud kids around.

i spent the evening clearing off my desk, going thru drawers, hanging pictures. basically doing things around the house that i've been putting off. it was good, got me out of a funk. this afternoon i felt kind of lost, i didn't know what to do with myself. i went to melinda's for a bit and felt like a zombie. she even commented on my comatose state. so i'm glad i was able to muster my ambition and actually be productive. as i putsied, i got thinking about starting over. about how it would be to start my life over – in the exact same situation – but knowing what i know now. how different would it be. i would experience every moment with greater understanding, i would breathe deep the things i now cherish. oh how i wish we wouldn't take for granted what we have. what we don't have.

kevin and amy from downstairs are away for the weekend. i love it when they're not here. it feels like i'm home alone. i can play my music loud and hammer into the walls late into the evening without caution. it's nice.

you are someone else,
i am still right here.

blurry

passing interludes leave imprints on our lives. sometimes for the better. sometimes for the worst.

this afternoon melissa and i took in a matinée at the screening room. we saw "the painted veil" and you know what!?! i just realized i haven't the slightest clue where that name comes from. they painted veil... anyway, the theatre was relatively empty and yet an old stinky man ended up sitting beside me. it was very distracting and i tried my best to hold my nose towards lissa and not the man. i have this thing about scents. i find them very intimate. therefore i don't want to smell in strangers, it feels like i'm ingesting a part of them. sometimes i find myself holding my breath when i pass people on the street, not because they smell, but just in case i inhale them. i dunno. i'm kind of weird. this is a neuroses i have. it was dormant for a number of years but seems to have crept up again.

we quite liked the movie. my mom had read it's review recently and told me "there's a lot of nudity in that..." i said "oh really...." and kept talking. nudity doesn't bother me. i find it funny that she even mentioned it, like she expected me to not see it or something. regardless, there was hardly any nudity at all! i was disappointed... JUST KIDDING.


as you can see, above is a photo of mr pekoe and wild honey. i must admit that i think my red walls photograph well. there isn't a single photo i've seen of my living room where i didn't think they looked stunning.

tomorrow i'm going to get more RAM for my computer. i hope i don't royally screw it up. my mac is my baby.

the best thing for me to do is run faster than you.

prerogative

i was so excited today. i finally got CS2 for my home computer and couldn't wait to install it. CS2 = adobe creative suite 2. it includes illustrator, photoshop, indesign. the three giants in my world as a designer. it's nerdtastic. however, i've encountered some difficulties. my computer doesn't have enough RAM and i don't know how to go about upgrading that. so i've placed a call to B$ in hopes that he will cure me of my computer woes.

i have an overwhelming urge to blow honey's nose. although, i don't think that's possible. poor little girl. my little wild honey. she came with a nasty cold and it's not getting any better.

man, it's cold out. it's like it's winter again. wow, that was a very short summer....

i've had some kings of convenience on my computer for quite a while, but it wasn't until melinda put them on a new mixed-tape for the batmobile did i start listening to them. i really like their stuff! they have a simon & garfunkel quality. very soothing.

i would like to see barbara walters interviewing herself. seriously, i wonder how SHE'D like it.

this is the book i never read.

army

whatever happened to winona ryder?? man, that shop-lifting stunt can't have killed her career. many actors have done WAY worse things. like seriously, consider hugh grant. he's been hugely successful after his street-walker exploits. i think i can speak for both myself and melinda when i say, i'd see any movie she puts out.

he is a double-edged sword.

can someone tell me how to get rid of "loser scent"? i think i'm exhibiting some seriously loser stench lines. it's never a good thing when you look upon yourself with disdain. i wish i could clear my mind of preconceived notions. you know, kind of wipe the hard drive of my mind. i think missing the milestones set by myself hurt more than not living up to other people's expectations. this has been a rough day. i've been hard on myself, and have a cynical response to every pep-talk i try to give myself. although, i concluded today that my moods change like the weather – they're unpredictable and uncontrollable, and sometimes you've just got to ride them out.

probably last week or the week before i was thinking back to when i was 24. i think i was suffering from the hopeless high school mentality when you can't imagine not being in high school so everything seems so bleak. except, obviously, i wasn't in high school. as i thought back, i mused over how much my life has changed and i couldn't even have imagined. then i thought forward, and considered that in years to come things will change radically and i can't picture that either. but right now... i can't see past next tuesday. not like i need to know what's gonna happen, (because i don't) but i'm feeling rather pessimistic.

once upon a time i was just a little bone.
i was just a tiny little rib,
and the rib cage was my home.
somesdays i wondered how it would feel,
to be my own person, to eat my own meals.

rebuttal

it's been slow in coming, but i'm happy to announce that i'm finally done my first sweater. melissa... spread the word to rahiem! it began as a sweater for the one and only joelle, but it took too long so now its going to kenya.

i'm afraid of living my whole life as "the best friend" or as "extended family". i want to be the star of my own life story. i'm growing tired of being a tag-along in other people's lives. i want my own life damn it! don't get me wrong, i enjoy the experiences i get to have, i just am feeling like i don't ever get to steer the bloomin' ship! i'm at the mercy of everyone's else's schedules or life events.

it's kind of embarrassing that my dad keeps calling asking about my "family". apparently i've slipped into "spinster with cats" status without even knowing it.

i have a pocket full of memories. my stomach is in knots.

things change (i guess). i didn't expect to change. there was a time when i would have said (and i did say) "i don't understand these people who aren't on msn all the time..." but i've turned into one of those people. for some reason i have almost no interest in being online. although... i'm signed on right now, just no one can see me. aha!

brown pants, brown sweater, brown vest, brown mitts.

am i bleeding?? where did that blood come from!?! i need to stop picking at my face.

sometimes wikipedia gets me thru the day. today i learned that bob barker was widowed in 1983 (or maybe '82) and never remarried. he didn't see any reason to. his wife was the love of his life. they had no children. huh. you don't hear much of that these days. i wonder what wikipedia would say about me if there was a lesley mcknight section. probably just that i was soandso's friend or suchandsuch's relative. is it possible to become invisible to yourself? because i think that's starting to happen. meh, i'm just in a mood.

these are the contents of my head.

INDAS

i come to you today, asking for your assistance.
please give me your feedback...

which is easier to say:
honey & pekoe
or
pekoe & honey

hurt

ah, i just got in from a really great power walk. my body is pulsing, my ears are cold, my breath is exaggerated.

as usual, i marvel at life. at its seemingly random order of things. how events and people fit together, and how others – no matter how hard we try or wish – just won't. i think of an old man and his wife, and the tribute they receive. and i hope i won't remain undiscovered.

i strive to live my life in such a way that i recognize a good thing when i have it, instead of just realizing it when it's gone.

sometimes i think... i don't know what i think.

i know sacrifice will be worth it. i just have to get used to it. i'll steal from pete to pay paul.

i'm attaining balance. i have room to breathe. boundaries have been set and i'm now living comfortably amongst them. i'm relieved. what have i learned i wonder? well, for one thing, i've learned that i'm tired of always learning. i hate feeling like my life is one long t.v. series and i'm always having to learn the "moral of the story". it's in my nature to always be searching, but i suppose even i want somethings to just have face-value and nothing more. lessons are often painful, and they're not like badges you only have to achieve once. usually, we have to learn the same things over and over again. at least i do. although, whenever i THINK i've got one thing mastered, i quickly realize that feeling comfortable makes me stupid.

it feels good to be at home.

run in the direction of your dreams...

never wanted to be more than who i am.
never wanted to be less than everything.

off

i've had quite a good weekend. it's been a nice long relaxing day, and i did a lot. it's amazing how much you can do when you have free time. i have mixed feelings about going back to work tomorrow because i've enjoyed my weekend so much, but it IS a 4 day week, so that'll be nice. 4 day weeks are awesome in themselves, then we get the added bonus of the 3 day weekend. right on!

this afternoon laney and melissa came by to meet honey and pekoe. they both heartily liked them. they really are super kitties and i'm enjoying them a great deal. i'm really glad i got them both, i thought "one is for me, two are for each other".

after the girls left, i watched "ever after" and pekoe fell asleep on my lap. i haven't seen it in years, i've always liked it. although watching it, i found, made me kind of sad about my single status. i suppose that's normal, and i'll feel that way from time to time, but i hate being sad over things i can't change. however, after the movie was done i put on some dancey music, and i started feeling much better. it was a mixed-cd of dancey music i made in 2003 – i just found the other day. it's really funny some of the stuff i included on it, but it makes me dance and sing, and that was EXACTLY the point. it's music to clean the house to.

i re-upholstered my last two kitchen chairs tonight, it's nice to have gotten those done. and i'm almost finished knitting that sweater that was originally for joelle but it's now going to kenya because i took so long to knit it that it's too small for her. ah... reconnecting with my hobbies. it was nice being out on my back porch stapling on the fabric, and i got thinking about how great this summer will be.

:) i feel like i'm finally getting some breathing space. i think i'm the most chilled than i have in months. my heart is still beating a little fast, but my emotional state is pretty relaxed.

days go by and still i think of you,
days when i couldn't live my life without you.