nanaimo

i've made some solid progress since sunday. all of a sudden our kitchen feels so inviting. i like just sitting in there on the counter. it has a nice feel to it.

for some time now, i've been thinking about hanging a little curtain over the open cupboard space in the kitchen. when we moved here, we took the cupboard door off. we had a nook like that at the maxipad, but for some reason i haven't liked the nook here quite as much. there's something missing. i felt it needed more colour. it also looked messy. so yesterday, after an outing to fabricland, i cracked open my new/old sewing machine and set to work.

it took some time for me to refresh my sewing machine memory. as a teen, i was quite eager to learn to sew and make things. i even took a sewing class in high school. my first project turned out less than stellar in my teachers eyes and she criticized it in front of my classmates. ironically, before i was told how crappy it was i was really excited. this inevitably took the wind out of my sails. after that, from time to time, i'd try again, but eventually quit trying since i would break the needle every time i touched a sewing machine.

but i've concluded that unlike knitting and crocheting, which don't require practice (once you've learned those skills you're set), sewing is more like learning an instrument or sport, which has a greater learning curve. so i'm going to work on basic projects until i've got the basics figured out. so far i've broken 2 needles, BUT i bought 4 more AND i'm learning from my mistakes.

my first project (the shelf curtain) turned out fine. and in fact, it looks very nice. it really adds something to the room. i've also put all my postcards on the cupboard doors like i did at the maxipad. it's starting to really look and feel like our space, instead of some generic kitchen. i've very pleased.

she had her mind made up fast.

sow and crow

it's easy for me to spiral into worry about the future.

this is completely silly and relevant to us right now, but i've been worrying lately (the last 24 hours) about down the road when we have a second kid. our house isn't realistically suitable for 2 kids and 2 adults, and that only occurred to me yesterday. since then, this abstract reality has been plaguing my mind. because i love our house, having a+s upstairs, living on main street. thankfully we're nowhere near to having a second baby, so it's not an issue we'll have to face anytime soon.

as i was out for an autumn stroll today, i concluded the best way to minimize worry about the future, is to focus on the present. we have long-term plans with our current home, so we can keep investing in it. and it will be several years before we have another baby, so i can put my anxiety about moving on the back burner. i told a friend the other day that i've decided to stop borrowing worry. so instead, i'm going to turn my attention to current things.

so i've decided tomorrow, éamon and i will take the bus to fabricland and i'll work on learning to use my sewing machine. and i'll dig around in the basement for our twinkle lights to hang in the den.

i was outside working in the garden today. it's truly a shame that autumn is the best gardening weather. the humid heat of summer doesn't inspire me to be in the sun weeding. anyway, i concluded that this year's garden is a true testament to that parable of the weeds choking out the plants. terribly unfortunate. the soil we used this year was riddled with weed seeds. it was a losing battle. something to keep in mind next time.

a one of these days your heart will just stop ticking,
and they sorta just don't find you till your cubicle is reeking.

freebie

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about alternate paths for my future. i'm still returning to work, but i've been imagining what it would be like if i didn't. i love being off work right now, and if it was a real possibility i'd definitely consider not returning. but ultimately, i don't thinking not working would fully satisfy me. i guess it would be nice to work part time.

anyways, i've started thinking about a second career. i still have over 30 years of work ahead of me, and i'm not sure if i want to be an office worker for the rest of my working days. for quite some time now, i've been feeling a desire to be in a helping field. nursing, caring, tending to people – specifically sick people. and i think i have a knack for it. so i've kind of concluded that if circumstances change at work (and truth be told, in my 10 years with bbd, there've been many times that our jobs have been in questions because of restructuring and what-not), i'm going to re-train in a new profession. i feel excited about this. it gives me a new sense of possibility.

after working in the middle of nowhere for a decade, i've been really enjoying spending my days downtown. i like frequenting local places and spaces on a weekday. i like seeing people out on their lunch breaks. i've been struck by the taste of a totally different pace and experience, which has gone me interested in exploring other vocations, in different locations.

i was in another lifetime,
one of toil and blood.

roadmap

all of a sudden, my house feels cold. it's chilly almost all the time, and coldest at night when i get up to nurse the baby. sometimes i have to remind myself that last year it wasn't so bad because i was pregnant and my body was just naturally warmer. so this year i have to adjust my expectations.

lately i find myself not wanting to get upset about things. i'd rather plod along, doing what i can, instead of getting worked up about things i can't change. i don't want to expend my energy on things beyond my reach or dive into conflict. it strikes me odd that there was a time when i did. it's hard to know if i'm just being lazy, or perhaps apathetic, but i don't think it's either of those things. i think i've just reached a point that i realized... if it's not this, it's that. i have to pace myself or this world will eat me alive. so i'm just going to work at staying calm.

i've been troubled today with the news of one my friends from work just had a major brain aneurism and it doesn't sound as though she's going to make it. this is on the heels on her 31 year old son dying suddenly from complications of cancer in july. i feel awful for her daughter, it's just too much. teri is a very warm person, we used to talk about books like we were gossiping about people in real life. while she's still living, i know that she's gone, and i'll never get to talk with her again. there's been too much death lately. especially related to work. but i suppose i shouldn't be surprised since most people at work are baby boomers. i guess that in the not so far future, the office will be a very different place to when i started there, because folks will start retiring soon too.

this entry seems much heavier than i feel. i'm well, and while i was out walking with b and éamon today, i was reflecting on how happy i am. maybe my vulnerability is coming out because i'm hungry. b's just finishing up cooking dinner.

take what your heart can take.

four/one

it's almost midnight and I'm sitting in the dark. my two guys are in bed, presumably asleep. I just downloaded a calorie count app for my iPod. I used this last fall when I was hoping to lose 15 pounds but got pregnant instead. now I have 30 pounds to drop before even reaching my previous starting line. I'm kind of discouraged. b keeps reminding me that it hasn't been that long since I had eamon, but I think my actual frustration is that it feels like I'm constantly losing weight, then gaining weight, then trying to lose it again. it's super annoying. I'm not sure what I was thinking, but for some reason I thought that breast feeding was some magic weight loss solution (this probably isn't a surprise to anyone else), but it's not.

besides that, I have a c-section belly. if you haven't had a c-section you probably don't know this, but not only does it leave a scar, but it also leaves a fatty shelf. I've been watching it shrink, but just learned that it will never completely go away :S

hence my discouragement.

well... I'm sure this app will help me. at the very least, I'm sure I'll think twice before I eat things like cake because I'll have to add it to my calorie counter.

the house is cold. I guess we're really into autumn now! it's only just going to get colder.

Sent from my iPod

rampage

i'm not always the most tactful person.

and often i feel badly about that later.

a older lady and gentleman just arrived on my doorstep to talk to me about the bible. it was awkward because i go to church and read the bible, so i'm not really the intended demographic (at least i don't think). because of that, i tried to keep it short as to not waste her time. in hindsight though, i probably could have been kinder and warmer. truth be told, i get my back-up about such interactions. she was clearly nervous and i'm sure she was out there knocking on doors because of her personal convictions. afterwards it occurred to me that she's probably someone's mom, and i imagined my own mom out there trying to encourage people to read the bible. while i wouldn't agree with it, i wouldn't want anyone to be rude to my mom.

i sincerely wasn't trying to be rude, but i wasn't trying to be loving either. instead, i was trying to be quick because she caught me in the middle of something. b said i should go out there and try and find her. maybe i should :S

come in, she said, i'll give ya shelter from the storm.

nothing

tonight i went to a neighbourhood meeting about the development of friendship park. it was down at rideaucrest home. for the most part, it was a good meeting. i've never attended such a meeting before, it made me feel like a very engaged citizen. i even asked two questions. it sounds as though these proposed plans are still in the early stages. they're replacing the tennis courts next summer as part of a city wide tennis court upgrade program. but the rest of the park won't be revitalized for several years. that's probably fine with me since none of the prayground equipment seemed targeted to babies or pre-schoolers. i quite liked both options. one thing i didn't vocalize, that i kind of wish i did, is that i think it would be smart and most effective, to make this park distinctly different to mcburney park. there's no sense in offering similar features. personally, i would like it if there was some kind of shelter for picnics in case of rain. but the park is so small that that's not really an option. i'm glad i went though.

i've been working really hard this week to be active. my belly has shrunk since giving birth, but i would really like to see quicker results. i suppose it'll take time, but with plenty of exercise and healthy eating, i should be able to lose 1 to 2 pounds a week. but i'm afraid my poundage remains unchanged. it doesn't help that our weighscale is super inaccurate. however, i feel like my legs are getting more firm/muscular. i can't remember when i did this much walking regularly. i'll just keep at it and try to be kind to myself. which isn't always easy.

you can have your cake and eat it too.

hair dryer/hand dryer

it's hard to believe that it's nearly the end of another week.

i'm super excited. yesterday éamon and i started swimming lessons! the little splashers for babies between 3 months to 18 months. i've been looking forward to this since i was pregnant. he LOVES splashing in the bathtub, so i figured he'd enjoy swimming too, and he did very well. it was SO FUN! we started with some songs, then putting faces in water. the teacher said it's important for babies to get used to putting their face underwater because if they don't do it until they're older, they're likely to be afraid to do it and it's harder to overcome. so she told us to blow in the baby's face so they scrunch up their nose, eyes and mouth, then to dunk them. so i did! and he did SO WELL (sorry, i'm going to brag a bunch, because it was really fun and i'm super proud of him). after we'd done it about 3 times, i looked around and noticed that none of the other babies hair was wet. so it seems he was the only one to do it. we did it a few more times. after that we did starfish on the front (basically him lying on this tummy in the water with his head up), then starfish on the back. then he 'swam' across the pool with a pool noodle (this was to practice kicking, which again he did really well). then we went back again on his back. then finished him the babies jumping into the water. since éamon was the youngest baby, i just lifted him in and out of the water. but by 18 months he will be able to jump into the pool. i can't wait til next week!!

my swimsuit arrived on tuesday. i ended up not getting either of the two i posted. i came across another one that i liked. it's a swimdress. it doesn't look as good on me as it does on her, but i like that it covers my bikini line since i gave up shaving that with my legs. i like it. it's very practical and comfortable. but it does remind me of the swimsuits that old ladies used to wear when i was young. it makes me feel like i'm turning into those women. those women who seemed so old.

whatever colors you have in your mind.

sour apples

hm, it's been a while since i wrote. unintentionally. it's funny that sometimes i have too much to say so i don't bother writing, and other times i have nothing to say, so again remain silent on the blog front.

to get quickly up to speed, i'll throw some random words out there:

• thanksgiving

• birthday

• beckie

• game night

• thanksgiving dinner

• barfing baby

• fridge

• swimsuit

on sunday, brendan turned 25 years old. while 25 is widely considered a milestone age, i was particularly excited about this event. when b and i first met, he was super young. when we started dating, he was still young, but now at 25, he's kind of plateauing off and just seems like a regular adult age. all that said, he never looked or acted young, but was still numerically young nonetheless.

i should probably go. i have some things to do around the house. i'd planned to start swimming with éamon today, but it turns out that's on monday and wednesdays, not tuesdays. i think i got it in my head that it's on the first day of the week so i thought it was today. but in the meantime, i'll go pick up my new swimsuit at JUST HIFI (which is oddly, also a sears drop-off location).

oh! one last thing. remember how i was thinking about cutting my hair back in august? well... i'm super glad i didn't. instead i've been wearing it in braids for 2 months. yesterday i felt like a change so i just put in a low ponytail and discovered that my hair is getting super long. it's probably the longest ponytail i've had in years! i love it! i'm gonna keep growing it :)

it's nice being able to encourage other pregnant people. my old housemate bonnie is overdue and is going to be induced on friday. she's really scared about that. when i shared with her my experience (that things didn't go as planned, but it was still very positive), she felt relieved and encouraged. being able to inspire hope to other people is another wonderful surprise from my birth experience.

you used to feel like a forest fire burning.

firmer

so far i've done my online aerobic routine twice, and MAN is it effective. in spite the fact that my ability is limited and i can barely keep up, i still break a major sweat and my face becomes very flush. i'm pleased and feel like i've really had a good workout. just doing the eliptical for a half hour has a significantly less impact. i always judge the quality of my workouts by whether or not i have to shower afterwards. so far i'm convinced that if i can keep this up, i will see results in no time. the only downside is that i look completely ridiculous to anyone who can see me thru the window.

last night éamon and i took the express bus to marilyn's husband's wake. it felt like the first time in a while that i'd been out and about after dark, and i was struck by the fact that almost every house that i passed that i was able to see in side, there was a person sitting near the window at a computer. i don't really know what that says really, but it made me a little uncomfortable. the ironic thing is that anyone passing by our house right now would see me doing the exact same thing. it was really a lovely evening to be out. the weather was ideal. after the wake, i sat on the curb waiting for b to come pick us up on his way home from napanee. i bet éamon that daddy was going to come from the left, and so by default he guessed that b would come from the right. he came from the left, so i won.

just a side note: i'm getting a roller blind installed on the den window :p

good times never seemed so good.

oatmeal

for most of my adult life, i've experience waves of weight loss and weight gain. shortly after i turned 24 (and a rapid, unexpected weight gain), i decided that i was going to take charge. i'd been to enough aerobic classes in college (just for fun) that i knew what to do, so i began doing aerobics in my bachelor apartment. and it worked. i did my half hour improvised workout regularly at home, and the pounds started coming off. eventually i joined a gym because i reached a plateau, but it was a good starting point, and was effective. i'm growing a little tired of my baby-weight and it's making me feel kind of crummy. after my last experience of getting a gym membership and having to pay for a year in full up front (then eventually flushing half a year down the drain), i know that paying to be fit is not a good use of money for me. so, i looked up a fitness program online tonight, and found one that i think will really work. it's very similar to what i used to do, but i'm a bit rusty so i wouldn't be able to lead my own routine, which is why i like this one. if it wasn't almost midnight, i would start tonight! i watched it though, and surprisingly found that i was sweating. haha. i'm excited. i think it would be really good for me, and i'm motivated. currently currently i'm a size 15. it would be nice to at least be a size 12 again, but ideally i'd like to be a size 10 – which is what i was aiming for before i got pregnant. ten years ago i got down to a size 8, but i'd be happy with a 10. i have a pair of jeans i've been keeping for just such the occasion! i THINK most of my extra weight is just in my belly area. i might be wrong, but from my angle in the mirror, my face looks unchanged.

i'll try to set realistic goals. therefore, i'm going to try to be a comfortable size 14 by christmas. then maybe size 13 by the end of february?

just nod if you can hear me.

spit

while i'm disappointed that my period has returned so soon after éamon's birth (i was seriously hoping it would be over a year), i'm delighted that i no longer have menstrual cramps. what a wonderful bonus! it's like my body is saying "wow, that was nuts! here's a little peace offering to make up for it". also (so far) i haven't had any PMS either. that said, i'm still finishing off my placenta pills, so maybe that's part of it.

earlier this week, when i was starting to come down with a cold, i was short on kleenexs, so i would grab the closest receiving blanket instead. afterwards, i realized that that must be what it's like to use a handkerchief. so know i'm on this handkerchief kick. i've been looking on etsy, but am not convinced it's the best option. maybe i should just buy some fabric and make my own. after all, i've been wanting to learn how to use my sewing machine.

for the second time in one month, brendan and i have just bought a new fridge. the first one was for andrew and shannon, but this one is for us. the seal tore around the door and now it won't stay shut. when it first happened i called the fridge doctor, but he advised me that considering the make of the fridge, it's not worth repairing. so we started all over at looking for fridges. i'm pleased with the one we got, and it was on sale. i'm hoping that it's slightly bigger than the one we have, but won't really be able to tell til they're side by side or we put food in the new one. it arrives on thursday. i've been wanting to clear out the fridge of expired stuff, so this is a good excuse.

well, i knew that i could not say.

flours in my hair

in the past, i've often felt like i just need a good solid break from my regular life. many times i've wondered just how long of a break would i need before i'd be completely unwound and fresh. i've been on maternity leave for three months now, and i can safely said that i feel completely relaxed. it's really lovely. lovely lovely lovely. i love that. i'm glad that i still have many months to go. and i'm hoping that i'll be able to carry forward some of this freshness.

i've decided to ask my boss if i can cut down to a 36 hour week when i return to work so that i can have wednesday afternoons off. b has wednesday afternoons off and i love having that time with him. sometimes we do errands (like appliance shopping), sometimes we take outings (like trips to westport or the wilton cheese factory), somtimes we do chores and sometimes we just hangout. today we took a long walk downtown and ate at the farm girl food truck in city park. we were going to go to 'seed to sausage' but they're closed on wednesdays in their off season. i really think it would be beneficial for me to have one afternoon off a week. i'm optimistic that she's approve it. especially since 35 hours is a common work week in canada.

all i really want our love to do
is to bring out the best in me and in you.