improve

i found out the other day that i weigh the same as my dad, and that bummed me out. i think it's been making me extra critical of my appearance. i know that i'm pregnant, but at this point, it's not pregnancy weight. its just poor judgment weight that i gained in the fall from not exercising and eating too much.

on a more encouraging side, i know that i'm developing better, more sustainable eating habits. and on the whole, i'm getting more active again. so i feel like i'm making better habits that will benefit me in the months and years to come. and the fact that i'm feeling self-conscious, will probably motivate me to keep on track. i'm sure i didn't get as much exercise during my holidays, but i wasn't too concerned about it because i wasn't just sitting around all day.

it's hard to learn new habits, but i'll get there. i'm doing well with improving my posture, and it's only been a few weeks.

practical

well, I'm finished my vacation and back in routine.

yesterday, I was feeling quite rested and didn't dread the thought of returning to work because it had been a nice holiday and one that I felt satisfied by. it's a good feeling when you reach the end of your vacation and you're not upset about it.

recently I bought some new rubber boots. I loved my last pair of boots and was super bummed when they got a big hole in them. i would've liked to find a pair of boots that i loved equally as much, but i was under some pressure when i was boot shopping because we were heading into a week of lots of rain. the ones i bought were blue, and had this buckle on them that i took off, I'm not really a fan of buckles on boots. wearing them made me a little sad and it made me miss my old ones even more. BUT they're starting to grow on me. they're just very industrial. so when i worked in the backyard last week getting it organized, or went out in the mud with eamon, i found they really suited the functional nature of rubber boots better than my old ones. they remind me of princess Diana for some strange reason (i'm not really one to follow royals). despite that, this image comes to mind. i'm looking forward to more messy days in the mud with my blue boots.

grown-up vacation

i'm on vacation this week, and couldn't be happier about it. the last two months of work have been unpleasant, and having this time to relax, be at home, get stuff done, and sleep past 5:30 has been really good for me. it's a nice reminder that there's more to life than my work routine.

we decided this year, in lieu of a vacation abroad that we would do some modifications to our house. we've lived here 6 months now and have identified a few things that need modifying to suit our needs better. as much as we love our adventuring trips, we knew we couldn't do both – house stuff and trip stuff. and we just couldn't rationalize spending the equivalent of these house changes on just a week vacation during which we have to struggle with eamon's sleep routine.

so instead, i've scheduled all the work for this week off. yesterday we got a new dryer. the dryer that came with the house was so old, that i'm pretty sure we had the same one in my childhood home, and even then it was old. while it was impressive that it was still running, it would take forever to dry things. it would sometimes take us up to 3 days to get our laundry done (not running that whole time, but we'd forget to check on it and when we did, it was still damp, so we'd have to turn it on for another cycle).

one surprising bonus to getting a new dryer, is that we had to organize our storage room to create space for the old dryer to get removed and the new dryer be installed. it only took a couple hours, but we finally got that space organized. we have shelves for our camping stuff, and shelves for our baby stuff. shelves for tools and shelves for out of season clothes. it was really excited about it. 

this vacation is turning out to be very rewarding :)

mending mistakes

i've been thinking a lot about decision-making since a conversation with a friend last night. I am not a great decision maker. I belly-ache to no end about which option will be better, be safer, or more fruitful. and it's tough. I prefer when stuff just happens and I have to rise to the occasion, whatever it is.

I've made some bad decisions in my life. some things had a short impact, while other things had a longer lasting negative impact. I think we're all likely to make bad decisions from time to time. what I've concluded is that it's not a matter of IF we make bad decisions or not, but instead, how we respond when we find ourselves in a difficult situation as a result of a decision we made.

we can blame external factors - point fingers and demand sympathy or support from others*. or we can own it. take responsibility, choose to do things differently to what we did in the first place, and make amends (financially, relationally, emotionally, punctually). I feel like owning it is really the best way to redeem our situations.

*needing support from others is understandable. as the song goes "I get by with a little help from my friends". but we've got to put in most of the grunt work ourselves if we're really going to own the problem. it's not fair to ask more of others than we expect from ourselves. i guess it's a boundaries thing. my crap is my crap, and i can't spread it around and make it other people's crap :p

sometimes i struggle to give sympathy to others and that has damaged relationships in my life. it can be embarrassing, even regretful. but I know this... I'm much more effective at demonstrating sympathy when it's not expected or demanded. it's probably that emotional dance that bren is always talking about. as one dancer moves towards its partner, the partner moves further away. but I digress.

let's all just face our decisions with fortitude, and see where that takes us.

grieving the goat

now that the goat is closed, I've been spending a lot of time over the last few days feeling a mix of anger and sadness. I think the anger has often lessened my feelings of sadness, but ultimately I'm angry because I'm sad. sometimes I find myself just sitting staring, thinking about the goat. I feel like I'm grieving a friend. in a way, I feel silly about it, but like many other people, the goat was a significant place for me.

brendan and I went out for indian food the other night and left eamon with his nana and papa. we spent much of our time reminiscing about the goat. on our first/accidental date, we ended up at the goat. I remember distinctly sitting across from him and talking, feeling like that level of eye contact was making me surprisingly uncomfortable because it was so intimate.

but in addition to Brendan, I had loads of meaningful experiences with friends there. I had my first friendship date with rach there, and that's where jill and I started planning our trip to peru. I bumped into jonni revell there and he helped me exchange some boots at A-1 clothing after I bought the wrong size (and it was a final sale). I bumped into the erbs when they were out while the girls were on a playdate. it was one of our first real conversations and it was really deep and meaningful. I bumped into bren while she was out with her friend amy. on one of beckie's visits to kingston, we went there twice in one day. I remember being there with shanno celebrating andrew's birthday and seeing a drawing on the wall that looked exactly like Brendan (this was before we were dating) and she told me "all the girls who work at the goat have a crush on Brendan".

the goat was a significant coming of age space for me. melinda and I used to go there as teenagers, but then stopped for a number of years (we didn't really know why, we just didn't), but then we started going there again in our early 20s, and it suddenly became our go-to place. I loved that it was everyone else's go-to place, and chances were high that I'd bump into someone I know there.

on Saturday, I passed by when they were selling all their wares. it was super depressing. the garage door was open and I could smell it. I could smell the goat and it was right there, but it wasn't. I'm angry. I feel like we've been robbed. I wish this hadn't happened.

ah! sunshine!

daylight savings time is the BEST.

i wish we were on this time zone year round.

sure, we lose an hour with the time change, but that didn't really affect us here, because eamon just slept an hour longer, which was super nice.

and sure, it will be dark when i leave the house for work again, but i really don't mind because the extra hours of daylight on the other end are totally worth it. AND we still don't have proper blinds in our bedroom, so it means on weekends the sun doesn't stream in when i'm trying to sleep later than 5:30.

hip hip hooray for daylight savings time!

speaking ill of the dying

without a doubt, I'm going to miss the sleepless goat. BUT I'm hoping that the end of the goat era might be an opportunity for another, more well run boho café-restaurant will open. kingston didn't really have room for two. I think it's fair to say that the goat was a hole in the wall that people loved for nostalgia and the casual environment, but not for the run-down, slightly gross bathrooms and rag-tag kinda-falling-apart atmosphere.

the sad and frustrating thing to me about it's closure is that ultimately (I think) it was due to the idealistic co-op approach to business. at one point, there was one owner who probably knew what he was doing, but over the years, the revolving door brought in all sorts of co-op co-owners; some of which had no cooking experience and others had no business experience, and there's a big chance that many had neither (granted, not everyone). you can't run a successful business if the majority don't know what they're doing. a few years ago, they had a fundraiser to 'save the goat'. I said to b "what kind of business runs a fundraiser?" and he said "a poorly run one". that's really not a sustainable business model.

it's not that they didn't have a dedicated customer base. people LOVE the goat. I'm disappointed that a Kingston institution was basically run into the ground. sure, there are external factors, and I'm sure the big-dig road construction didn't help, but a 24 year old business should be able to endure such events. you know... I bet they could've sold the business rather than close it. that place has lots of name recognition and would've been a good buy.  

anyway... I've been to the wild oat in ottawa several times. it's well run, it's organized, the food is good and it feels like it would pass a close examination by a health inspector. I hope something more like that pops up in k-town in the next few months or years.

inconvenient lady

you know... despite this current, progressive age, I still find that people are uncomfortable with an informed and assertive woman.

I am a capable woman, and I have very little patience for incompetence. I'm not going to put up with people farting around, especially when it wastes my time. I take others seriously, and I expect them to take me seriously in return.

I don't really know why people don't know how to interact with me. when brendan and I are at a store, ordering home improvement stuff, they still assume that he's the one to address, when I'm the one who has dreamt up the idea and worked out all the details. there's usually a lot of mansplaining going on, until they realize I'm informed, and after that they try to keep their distance. they still assistance me and are pleasant about it, but they obviously want to get the interaction over with.

maybe I'm unintentionally rude and don't realize it. brendan tells me that some people are uncomfortable with untraditional women. maybe that's part of it, but if it is, I think it's time they do a little adapting.

second

I had my second adjustment at the chiropractor on Saturday, and I felt I responded to it better this time. I wasn't sore afterwards and I actually felt looser. I liked how she explained it as reminding the body about the full range of motion after years of the body getting used to a more limited range.

today when I got dressed I had a noticeable baby bump! it might have been because I decided it was time to wear maternity pants, and suddenly I have a baby belly :) I've heard some people say they popped right away with their second pregnancy. but i was a couple pant sizes bigger between pregnancies, so I didn't actually find that I started showing any sooner than last time.

on the weekend I bought a maternity swimsuit with some belated birthday money from Brendan's nana. I think she gave me more than usual because she felt badly about forgetting my birthday in December. but it worked out because I didn't want to buy a brand new maternity swimsuit, but couldn't keep wearing my regular swimsuit. we stopped by thyme maternity while we were out doing other errands, so both b and eamon were waiting for me. the store always have this faux bump to strap on under your clothes to see how you'd look in a few months. when I pulled open the curtain with my fake belly, eamon yelled out "baby!" I know he doesn't fully understand the whole situation, but I was impressed that he knew there was a baby in there. later we tried to explain that when the baby is born, it will join our family. he didn't look particularly happy about that, and said with mild disgust "why?" :p

outside

yesterday, eamon played outside in the backyard by himself for the first time! he played before lunch and then again after his nap. it was really nice! he really enjoyed himself, and it was really nice for us to get lunch and supper ready without him shadowing every movement or getting into mischief. I'm pleased. I'm looking forward to more of this. having a backyard (with a fence) is really nice :)

just last week, I was telling bren that people don't use our park very much in the winter. but since then, I've seen people skating in the park! we don't even have a city rink, but enough water has frozen around the park that people can skate (if they clear it with a shovel first). it was really neat! I felt really excited to see that. when I was a kid, our backyard used to freeze into a natural rink and we'd spend hours on there skating. so I'm happy to see this little community rink :)

bones

i had my first adjustment at the chiropractor's yesterday. she did 4 adjustments in total. 3 out of 4 went very well, but one of the adjustments on my pelvis did not budge at all. this is very intriguing and could be related to why eamon got stuck. since my pelvis did not adjust, it could be an indication that it didn't flex as it should while I was in labour. we're going to keep working on it. I'm going back in tomorrow. once we start making some progress, I can go in less frequently. she'd found beforehand that everything with my pelvis appeared to be aligned and normal, but perhaps it's not sitting quite right.

being adjusted by a chiropractor is a bit of a weird experience. it's definitely not gentle like physio or massage therapy. she was literally slamming into me, all the while assuring me it was fine and regular. each time I'd let out a bit of an "uuuh" sound. I'm hoping i'll start to acquire a taste for it, and get a sense of relief from it. I didn't feel badly afterwards, although I was a little sore, like I'd been roughhoused and in a way I was :p

begin again

one of the most defining factors of my 20s was my osap debt. and when I finally got that paid off, I could not have been more relieved. here... read for yourself my blog entry from September 2009. there is truly a sense of earnestness to my words. and that state of euphoria made me NEVER want to go back.

when we decided that it was a good idea for Brendan to go back to school in 2011, we came up with a plan that allowed us to pay for it upfront and avoid needing to take on a loan to pay for it. b has never been in debt, but he's very financially prudent, so he shares my dedication to avoiding taking on debt. we were very pleased that we managed to get it all worked out well without financial aid. so when our car died unexpectedly last year, we were facing the decision of getting a older or smaller car, which would allow us to pay with cash, but probably wouldn't be very dependable. OR do we get a newer, bigger car and apply for financing. thankfully, my mom was able to offer us an interest free loan.

at first I was reluctant. she helped me pay for my first car - a 1987 VW jetta that caused me constant trouble. it was $3,000 in 1999 and I don't think I ever finished paying her back. I felt badly about that, and didn't want her to feel obligated to offer to lend us the money. but when I brought up that past experience, she simply said "that was a long time ago, you've matured and you're good with your money now". so we accepted. we got to decide on the payment terms and chose to be really aggressive with our payments.

I'm telling you all this because... TODAY WE MADE OUR LAST CAR PAYMENT! (less than a year later!!!) HHHOOOOOOOORRRRRRAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we're so relieved. sometimes paying for the car has been a huge frustration and it's been a difficult financial addition to buying a new house. but we were disciplined and managed to meet all our financial commitments. instead, we've had to do without things we want, but thankfully we've never had to do without things we needs. sadly, we won't be taking a trip this year, which is a total bummer. BUT we can't have everything, and as much as I love traveling, being debt free is more important to me, so it a sacrifice worth making.

I share this a bit reluctantly - I don't want it to seem like a humble brag. sure, I am very proud of us, but that's not the motivation. I'm just so happy and feel so liberated, and I wanted to do something to mark this achievement. besides, I think money is too much of a taboo these days, and I prefer to talk openly about it. let's demystify it a little :)

here's to our sportaj mahal... long may you run!

p.s. I only just realized that my first car was older than my husband :p hahaha

bumps, eyes and faces

a little while ago, i noticed that i had a white bump on my skin close to my left eye. it looked a little like a white head, but it didn't go away. i remembered that my old housemate used to have that, so didn't think much of it. then a few month later, another one appeared in a much more prominent place on my face, and i decided i wanted to do something about it.

after googling it, i found (not surprisingly) that it can be treated with tea tree oil. i've used that to treat other skin stuff, so this made sense to me. so i dabbed a little on each bump, but i found on the one closer to my eye, that the fumes from the oil agitated my eye, or maybe even seeped into it a little, so i decided not to treat that one. the other one disappeared in about 10 days :) it's been a little while now, and i decided i wanted to do something about the other one. so i started dabbing the q-tip to remove any excess tea tree oil before applying it to my face, and that helped keep it contained. i'm pleased that after about a week, i'm starting to see results. and what previously looked like a white head, has been diminished to a pink bump and i'm sure it will be gone in a few days.

tea tree oil is good stuff. it's super potent and mildly dangerous, but if used moderately or diluted, it's very useful!