raining

something of a love song woke me up this morning. it captured me for the entire day.

he stopped by my house saying "i desperately needed to see you, and thought i'd have a bowl of ice cream while i was here". i laughed and corrected him "more like you desperately needed a bowl of ice cream and thought you'd see me while you were here". we sat side by side on my balcony reading silently to ourselves.

i wonder if you know my name. if i'm lost and will ever be found.

i wonder why you believe in me more than i believe in myself. sometimes your over-confidence in my ability is unnerving. i wish you'd make it much easier. that on occasion, you'd stop giving the benefit of the doubt, or at least throw me a clue every once and a while. because on days like this it feels like everything is too big for me. i'm simply overwhelmed by my oxymoron life.

driving his car felt like wearing shoes that are much too big.

you know i need you to be strong,
and the day is as dark as the night is long.

carpal tunnel

one time when i picked up my laundry from the wash-n-fold service i use, my returned wash came with a free tube of sensodyne. i found that odd, but didn't question it since it seemed other people had one too. since easter my teeth have been very sensitive to things like cold, hot, sweet, acid. i was worried i had yet another cavity. this past saturday it occurred to me to perhaps try out my free paste, and thankfully it made a huge difference! phew! apparently my teeth are just sensitive, not decaying.

why am i disappointed when trouble doesn't come my way? i should be glad that i avoided it. but i'm not. in the long run i will be, but for now i'm disappointed.

the work days feel so long, and the evenings go by so fast. i wish it was the opposite. i need to escape my cubicle. i think it might be killing me softly. i'm glad that i'm about to join some amazing people to do some writing and listening. it will revive me some.

baby we can get you anything you want,
any time you want,
but you won't know what it's for.

comfort

i often feel like i'm the sideshow and she's the main event. i wonder if i'll ever get to be on the main stage instead of being the opening band. i wonder of this feeling will ever disappear.

he's never kissed a girl. well neither have i, so at least that's one thing we have in common.

i keep looking. nothing turns up. i wonder how long it will be before i stop checking.

i'd like it if he could be wicked and wouldn't.

one thousand

i'm really not sure what he's doing with his face, but i think he should stop.

just as i was about to write last night's entry the power went off, and there was a black-out in my entire neighbourhood. i looked out the window to see a desolate darkness – it was peaceful and lovely. i lit some candles and tried to read, but i was in bed by 10 because there was nothing else to do. i really couldn't get into that book. so this afternoon, i concluded there was no sense in forcing myself to read a boring book when there are so many other good ones out there. so i stopped by chapters on the way home again, and picked up two on sale. the one i'm reading first is quite poetic in its prose, here's one example "clearly, something here is incompatible with nature". i think what amazes me about it, is that it was originally written in japanese, i would've thought beautiful writing would be lost in translation, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

i love volunteering at special meals at st. andrew's. it's so great. when we serve the food it makes me smile from ear-to-ear and i can't stop myself. i really like the people there. they have no filter at all and they say things i wouldn't normally hear elsewhere. it's amazing.

i suddenly hear and see that word everywhere. i had no idea it was so common. it's a weird word.

you are part of my heart-beat.

i've been a sleep for a long, long time.

blackfly

ok. i finally understand. my life is quite exciting. i don't know why i thought it wasn't. i like how random things happen to me. that's all i'm gonna say. my life is not boring.

you can probably feel the wind.

synonymous

i had my dad over for dinner this evening. afterwards we sat on my front balcony looking out onto the street chatting for hours. we watched people on bikes go by. we watched a man pee in the park across the street. we watched people drive into the parking lot of the memorial centre only to stop for 30 seconds then leave again. we watched the sun set and the rain fall. we watched the taxis drive by, and a few cops too. we watched the street-lights flicker. we watched teenaged girls in short shorts. we watched teenaged boys on skate boards. the world passed along york street tonight, and we watched it all from the luxury of my box-seats. i have season tickets.

i was most delighted by the announcement that bombardier was awarded the ttc contract for the new streetcars. i was anxiously awaiting the news all morning only to find out right before noon. i printed out the article and took it into frank's office (i know how he works and that he needs to read things on paper and be able to high-light stuff). when i got in there marilyn was already telling him and a new guy the big news. the new guy seemed not to care or understand the signficance, all i could think was 'rookie'. the contract was awarded to a different division (which means my division isn't directly affected), but i'm still estatic. i'm thrilled as both a bombardier patriot and a canadian patriot. awarding that contract to bbd will keep a good 600-1000 employees in thunder bay employed for many more years. i feel very strongly that large canadian contracts need to be given to canadian companies as a means of protecting our own. i realize it may be cheaper to buy from asian, but it's not worth it in the long run. these events fuel my company pride and i was practically giddy as i went for my noontime walk.

days like this restore my hope that good things can still happen, good decisions are still be made. i wonder if it would be too much to ask that i get such a reminder every day.

i've carried this preconceived false belief
that secretly everybody's fooling me
just acting sweet.

crimes of passion

you may or may not recall that a while back a dreamt about a llama. specifically about riding a llama on a long journey. i documented it on this weblog on january 20th of this year – exhibit A. that llama dream has popped into my head with regularity, especially since i keep seeing pictures of them in my reading material about peru. this morning at work, i thought of it again and decided that i wanted to know more about llamas, so i wikipediaed them – exhibit B. and this was the first thing i saw...
it's a llama overlooking machu picchu – where jill and i are going on our 4-day trek. i could have keeled over. i had no idea when i had that dream that llamas were indigenous to peru, nor did i have any plans to go there (if you recall back in january i was planning on going to scotland for 2 months). needless to say, i'm pretty flabbergasted. this just confirms to me that dreams are special, even when they seem ludicrous. llamas are my new favourite thing, and not only because the word starts with two L's.

i've been hearing a lot about the wind-turbines lately, and have noticed that i can see on my drive home from millhaven. i decided that i wanted to take a closer look, so i took the long way home, driving along the shore of lake ontario. i'm really fascinated by wind turbines. my mom thinks they're an eye sore, but i think they're incredible. they raise the sky. i fell in love with them when i was in PEI. i'm excited to have them here, there will be 84 when they're fully installed. very cool.

last sunday i sat on the limestone perimeter of st. andrew's church and read "oh the places you will go". i bought it for david for his birthday. he received it in the mail today and totally loved it. i'm so glad. he's at a very pivotal point in his life, and i feel i couldn't have written a better letter of encouragement if i'd tried. that dr seuss is a genius.

what's to come only fate can show.

premonition

waiting doesn't become me. the unknown is scary and i wonder if the cost is too high. i'm not much of a gambler. his story rocked my foundation, and left me feeling nauseous.

melissa spontaneously stopped by for a visit. another evening of chores abandoned for conversation over the kitchen table. she always likes to see what i've prepared for lunch the next day. i like her curiosity.

in my own way, i'm devastated at the loss of S&R. i know that sounds ridiculous, but on many occassions i've wondered "what would we do without S&R?!?!". i'm sad that it's closing, and disappointed. where will i buy my underpants, sox and yarn! where will i buy winterboots or pajamas!?! baby shower gifts and bed sheets!?!? the world as i know it will never be the same again :S i liked the sustainability of having an independant department store in walking distance to my house. all i can do now is turn away like a fickle lover and say "S&R you suck. i never liked you anyways".

the only thing that i ever learn
is when trusting a stranger your trust will be returned.

snails

last night during yoga class, i was trying to figure out how if i work for 8 hours a day, and sleep for 8 hours a night, why do i end up with only a 5 hour evening!?!? where does my other 3 hours go!

this evening went quickly as usual. i joined the melles' for dinner, came home to write my story for hatch, and now it's time to write my entry and start shutting down my body for the night. this issue of hatch is about "hand-made". once again, it was a difficult topic for me, but at the eleventh hour i heard that rach did not write about knitting after all, which opened up the topic for me. i like what i wrote, my only complaint is that it may be too similar to a blog entry. sometimes i can't differentiate the between the two.

at lunch today i did something new that i'd never done before. i joined the united way committee at work. i'm not particularly a joiner. most of my participation has been in church activities. but i've been striving to branch out, and i decided last year at the end of the united way campaign that i would join the committee next time. because why not, right?!?! it will stretch me, and help me mingle with new people around the office. it was a lunch meeting, we had to bring our own food. i was quietly amused because i had left-overs from grecos the other night and sat at the board room table eating pasta and mussels. i like the possibility of making my co-employees wonder "what is she eating?!?!" with my tuberware full of shells. so anyways, i'm not quite sure what my role will be, there were 7 people at the meeting, and two absentees. there were a few moments in which i wondered "what have i gotten myself into?", but i think it will be a good experience, and i'm glad i joined.

i would like to introduce you all the latest blog in the blogosphere. the lovely and bizarre shannon gendron has made her debut entry. pay her a visit, ok?

i believe if we run into red full speed,
then there isn't a blade beneath keen enough to pierce our skins.

wild flowers

so... i've decided to try my hand at internet dating. i've been dragging my feet for years, but so many people have been encouraging me to try it – my mom went so far as to print me off a bunch of profiles to look thru. i don't have high hopes, but i'm trying to have an open posture about the whole dating thing. i've decided to just window-shop thru the profiles once a week, and not try to force myself to consider anyone that my gut tells me isn't for me. it's amazing what people will use as profile pictures! some people are so careless, or just plan dumb – any guy with a photo of himself embraced with a woman i steer-clear of. like that's bizarre. aside from that some of the photos are just plan unflattering. i feel that a profile photo tells a lot, and not just about looks – personal style, hygiene, if they're serious, fun, uptight, sloppy, a partyer, adventurous, mellow, preppy, indie, how they feel about the colour orange. there are also key-phrases to look for in their profile, subtle warnings. it's quite interesting really, and pretty entertaining when i approach it just casually. i suspect it will be quite some time before there's anyone who interests me. at the very least, it's been flattering the number of guys i've had contacting me and telling me that i have a pretty smile. but that's nothing to envy. these are the moments that all my married friends, who usually envy my freedom, can count their blessings that they are not me :p but it's ok really, i see it as a rite-of-passage for my generation. admittedly, i'm still rather uncomfortable with the whole idea, so i'm going to keep telling myself that it's fine and no big deal. funny that i can go ziplining with ease, and yet find internet dating disconcerting.

i ate a tuna sandwich for breakfast this morning. it was kind of weird, but i wasn't even mildly hungry until lunch-time. i might make a habit of that.

i feel like my life has changed thru obtaining more sleep. it's AMAZING the difference it makes. i've actually been waking BEFORE my alarm goes off. it's nice!

i discovered tonight at yoga class that i hate push-ups. in contrast to that, i remembered how much i love peanut butter squares :)

fell asleep under a tree.

hydrant

i am the bush.
i am burning.
i am not consumed.

alley

it has been a jam-packed last couple of days....

first, i'd just like to say that after a fabulous night's sleep i woke-up feeling much better on friday morning. after work, melody arrived from waterloo, it was great to see her and as usual we picked up right where we left off – which has been our trend since we were 16. the really neat thing is that i met all her friends, family, and in-laws last year at her wedding, and she knows of all my friends by reading my blog! she even frequents some of my friend's blogs. so it was nice being able to talk about my friends and her already know who i'm talking about, and vice versa. mel and i are incredibly different, you couldn't find two more different friends, and yet we have a connection that doesn't disappear thru time or distance. last night we did the haunted walk of kingston, it was a little cheezy, but an interesting activity, and one i've been wanting to do for quite some time. this morning we went to pan chancho's for breakfast. we loved it. it felt so parisan (well, i thought it felt french, mel thought it felt italian), it has a great buzz to that place. we window shopped in the rain then, finished off at the goat before she headed to her next stop in belleville.

this evening i went to a wine-tasting party with al and shari, which coincidentally was held at melissa's friend's place, so she was there too! it was very fun. sitting between al and melissa was quite entertaining, especially when we were evaluating the body and odour of water. at the end we all had to select our 'wine personality' and mine was 'the livewire'. ray was not surprised by that, which i found very interesting that my personality was so easy to pin over the course of an evening. al was 'the softy', melissa was 'the pure-one', and shari was 'the emporer'.

i'm very excited because while melody and i shopped we went into trailhead and i bought a pair of hiking books 40% off for my trip to peru! they're really great. they're super light weight and comfortable. we booked our tickets yesterday, we fly out of toronto on july 18 and arrive back on august 3. hurray! that's 3 months from today!! so exciting!

will you succeed? yes, you will indeed. (98 3/4% guaranteed).

the pope

he hit a coyote on the highway and it created significant damage to his car. all i know is that you are a coyote on my highway and it's going to end badly for both of us.

i found out this morning that my $400 mouth-guard is not covered by my dental plan. both the insurance company and the dental office pointed fingers, and eventually the blame was pinned on me. i found this out first thing this morning, and can honestly say my day did not improve. the bounce in my step has disappeared. the butterflies in my stomach have turned to knots and twists. i'm disappointed with a capital d.

i'm so glad for the promise of a new day tomorrow. there's always tomorrow. nothing will be different, i know that, but it's a fresh start. a day teeming with possibilities. the optimist inside me is trying to cry out "i will not be overcome!". i will holdfast to the light, it will repel all darkness. tomorrow is a brand-new day, so i will be joyful.

i know it's messy, but you'll make it right.

solo

i once saw a film at the screening room called "les choristes" (the choir), some of you may have seen it. there a philosophy among the group of teachers that went "ACTION! REACTION!" meaning, if a student acts out of line, you react in punishment. this was not popular among the students and some of the other teachers. this saying "action. reaction" popped into my head this afternoon, and i concluded something: i am not a person of action – i'm a person of reaction. i avoid making decisions unless they are in reaction to something. when i face decisions that are unprovoked, they create copious amounts of stress. in some ways, my life involves flying below the radar, i like no muss and no fuss. i don't usually rock my own boat.

honestly? i'm scared assless. why did something that seemed so easy, have to turn so hard? i liked how it was going. which just makes me THAT much more miserable about this change of events.

this afternoon i picked up my mouth-guard from the dentist. it's for wearing at night so i stop clenching my teeth. i'm not thrilled about this, it's yet another thing i have to do before falling into bed. it should be free with my new dental plan (crossing my fingers!), so i decided it would be worth it to eliminate the sore mouth i wake up with each morning.

upon leaving the dental office, i strolled up princess street to indigo to purchase a new book or two. the sun was shining and the streets were bussling with people. oh how i wish that was a regular part of my daily routine instead of driving out to millhaven everyday. it was invigorating to be in such an eclectic environment without having to interact. just people watching.

i'm stuck on repeat.

i said, rock, what's a matter with you rock?
don't you see i need you, rock?

doxology

i woke up this morning at 4 am and i couldn't fall back to sleep. i proceeded to feel ill for the remainder of the day. i'm not certain if it was gut-rot or something else. it was unpleasant.

my mom did something hilariously awesome this past weekend. she went on a road trip to pennsylvania with a group of seniors from her church to go see an easter passion play. they visited a nearby amish town by the name of "intercourse". yes, that's right friends, intercourse, pennsylvania. i'm not even kidding, you can't make this stuff up. although that's extremely funny, the story does not end there. she took along a copy of the kingston this week newspaper and had her photo taken beside the sign holding the paper up. her intention was to submit it for publication (that's a regular segment in that paper, where the ktw has visited). i'm afraid she's lost her nerve because some of her church-going travel-companions frowned upon her behaviour. that made me laugh so hard. it totally sounds like something i would do. clearly that's where i get my mischievous, cheeky nature. it's so extra funny to me because i've never known that side of her, i'm sure if i'd done that she would've faked offense. i love it. i think she should push the boundaries more often, i like this side of her.

patience is a virtue i need to acquire.
anxiousness is vice i need to discard.

you look so good when you're laughing you know.

haunted

i ate some bacon with my dinner. i have to admit, it didn't smell as good as i had remembered, and while i ate it i wondered why, because i wasn't really enjoying it. i have a feeling my meat eating days may be numbered. i don't feel happy about that, i guess i'm just resisting taking a label or the commitment of it. haha. i'm a commitment-phobe about being a vegetarian.

i have a feeling i was among the minority of people at work today. man it was boring.

i'm heading over to bren's for a meeting of the unholy trinity of hatch – as al has deemed us. the deadline for the next issue is wednesday. i've got nothing. and no inspiration for a story. i'm not going to have design this one because it's been all hand-made as this issue is about hand-made stuff. man, in that case, i really should submit something or i won't be part of this issue at all! how sad!

it's a mixed bag really. a little of everything.

don't wanna be liked by you.
and i never wanna be in your bed.

joyful

contrary to my usual preference, i woke-up this morning at 5:15 and was at the shore of lake ontario at 5:45 for an easter sunday event. as i walked up to shan and brendan i told them "i'm unusually chipper for this time in the morning", brendan said "we can see that". i think it was because i was wearing my hot-pink snowpants, that and the fact i was simply excited about easter.

we stood in a circle holding a jar containing a candle in one hand, and a piece of paper and a rock in the other. we faced the west and spoke the words of things that bind us. we turned and faced the east and spoke the words of things we want to embrace. we threw the rock into the lake, symbolizing getting rid of the things that weigh us down. this activity was based on an old practice done in the past by monks. it was beautiful. then we together we sang songs and watched the sun make it's appearance beyond wolfe island. it was remarkable. i stood there thinking "this happens EVERY morning. EVERY morning. and we miss it." that's a shame, because it's a frickin miracle.

i came home to get dressed properly (because i was wearing my pajamas under my snowpants), then walked over to next for a easter sunday breakfast. i was wide awake, and enjoyed the fresh air on my skin and in my lungs. i had a nice time visiting with people over breakfast, and enjoyed the service immensely. it almost makes me wonder if i should always get up early on sunday mornings so that i'm fully awake by 10 and can really connect with the people at church.

i met a girl in the service who i chatted with. i asked her questions. her answers prompted more questions, and so it went. i probably could have asked her questions about her life all morning. but she stopped me and said "ok, enough about me, what about you?" she shifted awkwardly in the pew. i tried to explain that i like people so that she'd feel less uncomfortable by my interest, she compared it to 20 questions. my mom is the same way as me, once many years ago she worked at the ministry office of the salvation army. at lunch she'd sit with her colleagues and ask them questions to start conversation. they seemed rather put off and uncomfortable. she hated that job. and her co-workers made her feel self-conscious about asking questions as though she was prying. she's gun-shy now, and it still comes up "the ladies at the salvation army....". i try to assure her that not everyone will be like the women at the sally-ann. i hope i don't get myself into trouble some day thru my method of conversation making. i like it when people ask me questions, my brain interprets that as "oh! this person is interested in me, they care about me, they want to hear about this thing that's important to me" and it feels nice. i would prefer to err on the side of too much interest than seeming uninterested. let the interogation of love continue!

it was chilly, so i wore my airwalk boots this morning. they're a little worse for wear these days. much to my disappoint, i think i'll have to replace them next winter :( oh well. it's ok, boots aren't made to last forever. i got 3 winters out of them.

when you're bathed in light
and when your body bursts wide open
do you start to cry?
not cause you die, but cause you die still hoping?

melissa & me

i can't look at it right now. i'm ok, i'm doing alright. i'm not freaking out. but sitting here looking at it would be very upsetting. so i'll divert my eyes. the truth of the matter is i just hate that you beat me to it.

on different note, i feel smiley and encouraged.

tomorrow is easter. i've gone 40 days without meat (except for that time i accidentally ate in on the way to oakville at 7am). i can officially eat meat tomorrow, but i have little-to-no desire to. i've managed quite well and kind of wonder what the point of eating meat is – life is very sustainable without it. however, i could go for some bacon. i can't bring myself to become a vegetarian, and life is easier (at least more convenient) eating meat from time to time, but i probably won't make eating meat part of my regular diet. i'll consume meat in moderation, which seems very sensible.

followed the trail to the wild flowers.

hungry

i like how hanging out with the melles often changes my plans for the remainder of the day. i went over to hangout with bren this afternoon, and ended up going out to see frost/nixon with her husband mike at the screening room. it was good and informative. i was glad mike was with me, because there were a few things he explained to me in a whisper during the film.


here's a less than flattering photo that ro took of me yesterday. i was very cooperative and followed his instructions for poses. i like that her kids are getting used to me. how kieran friendily waved at me thru the window, and skye has started talking to me and using my name! that's a pretty big deal :)

when i've combed my dreads so that they look like 'sideshow bob' i know i've done it correctly.

i booked jill and my 4-day trek along the inca trail this afternoon. it's later in july than we had hoped, but the dates were booking up FAST, and in a matter of a few short days about 600 spots were taken. madness! exciting! this is the trek we're doing. we're splurging and getting a porter to carry our stuff, we figured we'd enjoy it so much more if we weren't miserable. i almost feel badly that i'm ONLY paying someone $98 US to carry my duffel bag thru the andes for 4 days. now we just have to finalize our travel :) i'm tickled pink.

everyone around wants to give you their thanks,
everyone around wants to give you their hands.
we want to thank you so much!
may every breath you breathe be built on sacred things.

compost

this evening took an unexpected turn in events. it's been amusing, surprising, and a little daring. oh my, it makes me laugh. i'm curious to see how it will all pan out.

sometimes i think it's unnecessary to state the obvious.

he’s 38 years old never kissed a girl.

gleeful

i wonder about this expression "a pictures tells a thousand words". i'm skeptical because i have photos or have seen photos that could not nearly express the richness of a moment or experience. the best example of this is the movie based on the best selling novel. movies rarely come close to the fullness of a book. sometimes little is known without the addition of words. the right words can break an image wide open. the saying is not "the camera is mightier than the sword" although, that is also true at times. i dunno. i just want to sing the praises of words because they blow my mind.

you know what i just realized? there is no other word for 'word'. can you think of any?

you may have noticed that i'm up past my bed-time and my computer is still on. i had a late bored meeting and didn't have time to write beforehand. i really didn't want to go two nights in a row without splashing my thoughts on this canvas.

i feel like a square peg in a round hole. i wonder if i'll ever find the right fit. i'm not your regular girl. perhaps a little obscure for every day consumption. however, in spite of my aches, i wouldn't want it any other way. i'm a satisfactory version of myself.

it's possible that i haunt you. you may be the first one ever.

almost each night between two and four,
she rolls out of bed and onto the floor.

inconspicuous

i found it somewhat alarming that i had a good day at work today. i had less of an aching desire to get out of there as soon as possible. however, just because all the days aren't bad doesn't mean i should stay there for eternity. sometimes it's just time to move on.

have i mentioned that i'm reading "to kill a mockingbird"? unlike most people i know, i didn't read it in highschool english. within days if starting it i found 2 similarities to the book i'd just finished. i found it amusing that two points of plot were the same in "boy meets girl" (a book version of the mindless chick-flick genre) and "to kill a mockingbird" (a modern classic). 1) they both involved laywers. 2) both involve someone biting off a finger. number 2 is odd in any book, but extra strange that it occured in two consecutive books. very odd.

well a week has gone by with me turning my computer off before 9:30 (on nights before workdays), and i'd say it was a great experience. so i'm going to extend this practise in hopes of it becoming a habit. i'm way too distracted by both the internet and by music that i get into bed WAY too late.

i had to buy more dread shampoo the other day. i'd have to say, knottyboy has the nicest smelling shampoo i've ever used! they didn't have the same flavour as last time so i got "patchouli love" sounds fancy huh? dreamy even. and it smells soooo good.

i should go or yogi master dennis will try to make small talk with me about being late for class. oh frig... i just got distracted by a rad song and now i'm TOTALLY gonna be late. argh!

my mother told me
to put on your boots
and go out in the backyard.

palm

i'm developing a bit of a pet-peeve. i feel uncomfortable when cashiers comment on my purchases. it doesn't happen everywhere, but it happens consistently at certain places (i.e. chapters and the church bookroom). i don't mind people talking to me, i'd just rather it was something like "how are you today?" or "isn't kingston beautiful in the spring time?" instead of them giving me their opinion of my selection. it feels weird, because if i DIDN'T think it was going to be good, i wouldn't be buying it, would i?

i have to tell you something so that i'm not misunderstood. being a 29-year-old woman, babies come into my realm of thought from time to time. this is normal. perhaps even healthy. but unfortunately, it means that it's sometimes very difficult for me to hear that others are having babies, especially people who are my age, or sometimes younger. obviously there are exceptions: friends who already have kids, friends who desperately want to have kids but are having difficulty. i can be joyful with them, and i'm joyful for the others once i get over the initial shock. it's tough because i'm not choosing to be celibate, it's been somewhat forced upon me by circumstances. so please understand when i start complaining about being surrounded by baby-factories, or say couples lose their coolness when they reproduce, that i'm not just simply a jerk. it's just buckets of salt in my wounds. it's incredibly alienating being surrounded by young moms. especially at ladies nights at next when the topic revolves around babies and child-birth. i don't want people to have to tip-toe around me or anything, i'd just like to be included and not excluded.

i should go.

don't you put me on the back burner.

goldfish

i'm FREEZING!

i went with my mom to the home show this afternoon. it wasn't really my cup of tea considering i don't own a home and have no plans of buying one. but i know what it's like to want to go to something but not have anyone to go with so i agreed to join her. we were finished there sooner than we anticipated so i invited her to the goat with me. i never thought i'd take my family to the goat, i felt like that part of my world was very separate from my family life, but i suddenly felt inclined to introduce her to it. it felt a little odd, but i liked that she got to know me better while sitting there. as we talked she kept asking me what i felt my purpose of my life is; what my burning hearts desire is that will leave a legacy. she didn't seem to like my answers – they weren't deep enough or profound enough. we went over it and over it, until i finally said "mom, i'm answering your question, you're just not accepting my response". ultimately, it seems she was trying to give me a sense of purpose because she herself lacks one – or did until she found one – and i appreciate her attempt at helping me find purpose. but the truth is, i don't lack one. my life is very fulfilling. it sucks if a person (any person, not just my mom) looks at me and thinks i have no purpose, but that's really just self-projection – them projecting themselves on me. regardless, she's got me thinking, and reminded me that i won't have the same level of interest in life in my 60s if i don't have a clearly defined meaning or legacy. when i really try thinking about my heart's desires a coldplay song strikes up in my head and i know all i want is what he's singing: "i wanna live life and always be true. i wanna live life and be good to you. i wanna fly and never come down. live my life and have friends around". what more could i ask for? i think there are two ways of looking at life: 1) a plot – going from A to B and the facts about what happens along the way. 2) a story – a tale about a journey including the struggles and victories, experiencing every aspect and facet. my life is a story, and my purpose is to invest in the lives of the people around me and the experiences in which i find myself. there. i should send that to my mom and tell her to stick that in her pipe and smoke it. haha ;) i guess the way i see it is that the story continues even when we're old, even when we're past the climax of the plot.

i feel apologetic that my life's purpose is not to cure cancer or minister to orphans, but it's not and i'm not going to kid myself. all i can do is be the best me i can be. i've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and i'm totally in a "sowing my wild oats" phase. i'm ok with that. it's better to do that now than later when i have people depending on me.

i had a good time with my mom today. i learned new things about her. i appreciate that we're on the same level. she's gone thru the same things i have/am and is patient with me. at one point she said to me "you're still sorting it out aren't you" with a pensive look on her face, then said "i've been there too".

have you ever noticed how similar the words "comedy" and "committe" sound?

talkers keep saying things like "you'll be alright".

skip

the best thing about surprises is that they could happen at any moment.

my mother told me,
to look up and down and all around.
and to be thankful for all you’ve got.
so hold on.

precocious

i have writer's block. that's what happens when i pressure myself to write so that i can turn off my computer at 9:30. i did a few things today, but i can't seem to stream them together as continuous thoughts/sentences.

i don't feel well. i think my dinner is not sitting well inside my organs.

it seems i'm at a bit of a fork in the road. those come up frequently. perhaps it's the way i live my life. or maybe it's just part of getting up each morning. i'm not going to do anything rash. there are times when i wish someone else would make my decisions for me, this is one of those times. ah... it always goes back to me being a decision avoider. interesting.

you signed and sealed it.

buttertart

it seems i've given up the Y in exchange for chapters bookstore. i've been there three times in the last week buying books. good thing i got an irewards card.

everyday i drive past the school bus depot which is guarded by a handful of picketers. they remind me more of the kingston santa claus parade than a group of employees on strike. when i think of a picket line, i think 'billy elliott' – the UK miners strike. that's the kind of mayhem i'm looking for. not a few stragglers with wimpy signs smiling and waving as the cars drive by. maybe tomorrow i should try to cross their picket line just to see what they do. i suspect they'd try to hug me and offer me some cocoa...

it's no wonder i have a complex. i swear my own father has lost interested in calling me now that i'm actually answering the phone. i hate men! i hate them. i hate playing their games. i hate that they don't like you if you like them. i hate that you have to seem weak and pathetic because otherwise they're intimidated. i wish they'd all just grow a pair. part of me thinks i'll regret this outburst, but i don't care. i'm just so pissed off at the XY genepool, and i know it won't make any difference anyways, because for some reason they all think i'm a leper. well screw them, they're all stupid anyways. (i probably wouldn't care so much if i didn't think guys were so cool)

your head is full of fire.