decisions, decisions

it's boxing day. we spend 3.5 very full days with family, and i am feeling pooped. granted, this is partly because otis had the worst night EVER last night, and i barely slept. i'm gonna just wrap up here, brush my teeth and crawl into bed. i'm hoping he's gonna sleep better tonight.

i was thinking today about how beckie and i became friends X number of years ago today (i think it was 11). we'd both arrived to our respective homes from christmases with our families, and ended up hanging out. we went to shoppers for some reason, and i remember beckie blurting out in the car "you know i'm an atheist right?". that always makes me smile. it's nice because she's arriving tomorrow to spend a few days with her little buddies, and me and b.

i wanted to say more, but i'm blanking. i really should go to sleep.

rectify

well, a week has past since my crappy birthday. starting with a fight with b, ending with a flare-up of IBS. i think i've softened, and stopped chastising myself for trying to make my birthday special. sure, there are people who don't care about birthdays. but i kind of wonder if they just say they don't care. who would really be indifferent to spending time with people they love and getting to do a few different and fun activities.

b tells me that he's glad that i don't make him guess at what i'm feeling or thinking. he also said that he realizes that he may not always like what i say, but at least he knows what's going on. i appreciated that he took steps to make amends with me, and set things right.

expectations

things haven't really gone very well this morning. it's my birthday. and it's silly really, but i've pretty much being crying on and off all morning. brendan and i had a misunderstanding, that just triggered me to cry about anything and everything. it's been a long time since i had a good cry, so in a way it's therapeutic. i guess it's just not really how i thought my birthday would go. but that's also silly. it's just a day, and i'm 37, so maybe i'm supposed to be past feeling like my birthday is special.

i'd been looking forward to this year's main street parade, but now that i'm upset, i don't really want to go and socialize. i just want to spend time by the fire reading in peace. so brendan and eamon have gone without otis and me.

i don't know. i might decide to keep my birthday low-key next year. not throw a party and tell b not to get my a gift. brendan wants to try to "turn today around", but i kind of feel that i might as well just give in to it.

postal

for the first time ever, i decided i wanted to give out christmas cards. it's kind of ironic, that i'd get on board now since christmas cards are kind of disappearing from our culture. but last year, i really liked displaying the ones we got, so i wanted to give some to others too. plus, i've got time. eamon's at daycare, otis is sleeping really well today, i finished my book a few days ago, and i didn't really have anything else planned for today. anyway, the problem is for my overseas cards, i'll have to dig for addresses. i have several in various places, but not one central, and handy location.

cycles

you know that "broken window" theory? that theory that if a city or house has a broken window, it's more likely to be vandalized? well, that's pretty much how i function within our home. if it's tidy, i keep it tidy. if it's messy, i contribute to the mess. i really wish i was more organized. i suspect though, that i need to have less stuff, and that would make it easier for me to take better care of my space.

those early days

i'm in the middle of a noteworthy time in my life. it's a really special time that i will remember distinctly. but that doesn't mean it's easy. it's mostly the juggling two kids in very different stages that is the challenge. both on their own are easy peasy. but eamon is used to daycare; to structure, planned activities, other kids to play with and adults with all their time dedicated to the collective care of him and his comrades. i'm not able to keep him occupied enough at home and he gets capital B Bored. when he's bored, he gets into mischief, things spiral, and i'm end up at a loss. to cut myself some slack, and to provide him with more simulation, he's going to be going to daycare 3 days a week instead of just 2. i've struggled with this, because for 2 years, i wanted to be at home with eamon instead of at work. so i feel disheartened and like a failure that i can't manage him full time. but brendan reminds me that i have a newborn and should, therefore, be gracious with myself.

otis is doing well. he's an easy baby. he doesn't need to nurse to sleep. being held is more important to him than nursing. and when he's had enough cuddling, he's quite content to just lie in bed awake for an hour before falling asleep. i'm looking forward to having more time with just him. he's really very sweet, and i'm trying to fully enjoy this fleeting stage, even though i'm keenly anticipating him sitting in his bumbo and using the jolly jumper.

i am, for the most part, doing well. there have been times when i've been concerned about my mental health. not from unhappiness or isolation or the absence of adult company, but rather because of how impacted i am from the anger and frustration i can feel when stretched too thin between the competing needs of my sons. i'm struggling a little because of my natural desire to do and accomplish stuff, and i'm finding that being a momma interferes with me doing other stuff. i don't really identify being a mom as a big part of my identity. as far as being a mom goes, it's more the care-giver aspect than the label or role. i want to do more things with my day or with my home that focus exclusively on my child-rearing.

i've enjoyed going out with brendan a few times lately, and we're going out again this saturday for a christmas party at a former colleague's house. these outings are so refreshing, but i'm somewhat reminded that we won't have the freedom or independence from our kids for that to be a normal part of our lives for quite a while. what strikes me is that when my kids are teenagers, and i can come and go more freely, i will be much older. in some respects, life feels like it has hit pause until my sons are older, but the reality is, everything has kept going, and i'm aging. my life before, during and after this stage of life are all distinctly different. i suppose the best thing to do is to embrace this stage for all that it is. which includes...

- long mornings in pjs

- lots of cups of (decaf) tea

- learning to make a good fire in the wood stove

- nursing

- king of the hill

- bassinets, mid-night feedings and mid-night tantrums

- prune concoctions and physio therapy exercises

- cbc radio

- robie shoes and combing velcro

- handcrafts whenever there's a spare minute

- losing hats and mitts

- feeling deep deep love

too much of a good thing

i don't really know how people homeschool. i'm pretty sure that being home with my 3 year old 5 days a week is slowly ruining our relationship. 

differences

i've started taking my small fellas to a playgroup in my neighbourhood. initially, i wanted to go in part to fill time, but mostly to connect with other moms in the neighbourhood. it turns out that none of them actually live in kingscourt, but that's ok. i'm finding that there's another good reason to go to this group... to be in conversation with people who have a different perspective and worldview than i do. sometimes i find the opinions expressed kind of troubling, and being someone who is uncomfortable and inarticulate expressing conflicting opinions, i just listen and try to inwardly feel empathy with where there coming from. while i don't share the beliefs or perspectives, i can imagine why or how the came to feel that way. i find it stretching, and therefore strengthening, to be around people who are not like-minded. i'm a little curious about what i might learn over time. maybe i'll learn to express myself instead of being dumbfounded. brendan is so good at calling people out in a kind way when they say something without thinking. i wish i was more like him.

order

since returning home, it's been a bit of a struggle to get back into a normal routine. since otis was born, i have as of yet to get into a weekly rhythm with my babies. the house has been chaotic, éamon is typical three year old, and otis is a typical newborn. i'm also trying to spend time with friends, and meet moms in my neighbourhood. as a result, i'm finding it hard to find time to write emails and/or blog entries. and now on top of all that, daylight savings time has ended, which will probably throw us further out of routine for another week. i hope i don't sound like i'm complaining, because i'm just trying to decompress. thankfully, i am keeping my head above water, i'm just less communicative.

the day that eamon started to get sick, it was rainy and we'd taken the bus to the library. he was cranky (because he was getting sick and i didn't know it yet) and i felt flustered and heartbroken (having just learned about brook that morning). after the storytime was over, we went to the children's book section to sit and have a breather before brendan picked us up on his lunch break. i sat there damp, sad and exhausted, when another young mom came along and said "do you need any help?". i politely smiled and said "oh, no, i'm ok. thank you". i appreciated her offer, but it makes me cringe thinking that i seemed pitiful. i actually did still had enough in me to manage.

being capable is probably my holy ideal. it's my one trait that i hold up and value higher than all others. i am not too proud to ask for help when i need it, but i believe in doing my best and giving it my all before soliciting help from others. that's really a good way to read me – if i'm asking for help, it's because i REALLY need it. this feels like a time in life when emotions are somewhat raw and close to the surface. it's easy to become worn out by these tiny people. and yet, my desire to be capable is no less than usual. so, i'm hoping that in the next few weeks i'll be able to get it together.

retropharyngeal phlegmon

so here i am, on the other side of the experience of my kid being hospitalized for a serious (potentially life-threatening) illness, and i think both brendan and i learned a lot about life and parenting. it'll be two weeks tomorrow since i took him to the hospital, and one week tomorrow since he was discharged.

probably one of the main things that left an impression on me, was when he was at his worst (pre-diagnosis), i remember looking at him and seeing that he was not himself. i was wishing and praying that he'd return to normal, but there was nothing i could personally do to make him well. it feels like a cliche to say, but i really felt helpless and desperate. thankfully, he got the help he needed in time, but it gave me a taste of what parents in different parts of the world and in different times throughout history have experienced. and it's pretty GD awful.

i've had several conversations with friends lately about how fragile and vulnerable we are as humans, and how that's something we're not always aware of. in a way, it's nicer being naive of just how fragile and vulnerable we are, at least we worry less.

Kidd 10

well, the doctor called us on Tuesday morning with the results of eamon's blood work and wanted us to come back in. long story short... he had two X-rays and a cat scan, then he was admitted to KGH for treatment for a neck infection.

it was pretty stressful at times, but he's doing well and seeming more like himself. he still does have full movement in his neck, but the fever seems to be subsided.

anyway, it's been an interesting experience. sometimes I'm surprised to be someone's mama and responsible for their well being. Otis has been a total doll and mostly just slept the whole time. at one point they were both passed out on the bed at the COPC, it was very. sweet.

we're expecting to be discharged tomorrow, but not 100% sure yet.

Sent from my iPod

heart on the line

i remember when i was pregnant with eamon, telling my sister that i felt anxious, and just wanted him to be born(having heard of many people who lost their baby in the final days and weeks of their pregnancy). she said something about how worrying doesn't end when they're born. i've found that she's right. except, i think i've felt "once we get past this stage, i won't worry as much". but i've realized it never stops. especially reflecting on the loss of brook this past week. i know i'm going to spend my whole life worrying about my sons and their dad to one extent or another.

part of what it means to be a mom is to worry about your kid's safety and wellness. part of what it means to love is to be invested in someone, and to want them safe and sound. i didn't experience that when i was single.

since thursday, eamon has been sick. we thought at first that he had a stomach bug. then we thought it went away, only for him to have a few persistent symptoms, then for it to get worse and worse again. we spent a few hours this morning in the urgent care centre at hotel dieu, then the entire afternoon at the children's outpatient centre. i felt embarrassed to be going in twice in one day, and felt a need to explain my concern. i've cried several times since this illness started for fear that something might happen to him. i realize the reality of loss is very fresh, and its putting me on edge, but the doctor told me that i did the right thing bringing him in this afternoon. he was showing signs of meningitis, but they seem to have ruled that out now. they did bloodwork and gave him an x-ray. thankfully brendan was with me, because i wouldn't have been able to manage everything with otis with me too. it was a very hands-on job to get eamon to cooperate. they've told us a few things to watch out for, and said it could take up to 7 days for this infection to clear up, but he should be ok. i feel more at ease now. his constant fever, etc are less scary now that we know what we're dealing with and what to expect.

i think it will take some time for me to adjust and accept the level of risk that comes with deep love.

full moon

these days life feels like a see-saw that oscillates between noise and silence. there are loud moments of chaos and quiet moments of peace. i'm glad for the quiet moments. they make the loud moments more manageable.

i'm quite sensitive to being over-stimulated by noise or touch, especially when those things are combined. sometimes when i feel overwhelmed because otis is crying and won't latch because he's too upset, i find it overwhelming to be touched. this is a challenge because eamon sometimes is trying to cuddle or climb onto my lap and it all becomes too much in that moment. it's hard because i don't want to send him away or not let him touch me, but for the sake of my sanity i need him to stop. i try to explain it to him though. i know that he might not understand right now, but i'm hoping that he might remember later and understand then.

when i was a kid, we had a miniature schnauzer named elsa (it's funny that elsa has become such a popular name, since my parents chose it because it was the most 'old lady' sounding name they could come up with). elsa was not well trained, and like many small dogs, would bark A LOT – especially when people were walking down the sidewalk. when i was about 6 or 7, we had to give her to my aunt and uncle (who didn't have kids, but did have another dog named pepper who was elsa's brother from the same litter). anyway, the only reason we were given was that my mom thought elsa barked too much. when i was talking to my mom the other day about feeling overwhelmed by the increased volume of my home, she said "that's how i felt when we had elsa". so while it was true that she felt elsa barked too much, there was more to it than that. now that i have the whole story, i can completely understand and appreciate that.

i like having ah-ha moments about my parents. it usually results in more empathy from me, and sometimes forgiveness.

while some folks have told me that there is no healthy way to teach kids not to be loud and noisy, i'm not convinced that's true. i think kids reflect their environment. we'll see...

red

it's funny how a holiday weekend can help one ruin their streak of good eating habits. well... i shouldn't blame the holiday exactly, it's more the birthday cake and squares that i made (and not can't stop trying to "eat it", like they're going to go bad). otis is one month old, and i've lost over 20 lbs, but if i keep this up, i'll gain quite a bit back. that said, i did go for a longish walk today. i need to try and walk every day.

to my delight, i found out that my neighbourhood library isn't supposed to close for another year. that's a relief, because i thought it was closing in a few months.

nancy gave us brendan's baby book the other day. she did a great job filling it in, that it's really motivated me to finish eamon's book (and get started on otis). i'm kind of glad that i'm wrapping it up when he's three, because things change a lot over time, and a lot of his habits, interests, etc, changed since he was a little baby. i'm excited to see otis grow and change too :) he's a cuddly baby, and really likes to be held most of the time.

mending heart, soul and body

i saw my midwife on tuesday. the one who was at my birth. she said she'd been worried about me since she hadn't seen me since otis was born. she was worried that i had regrets, and had wished i'd just had another c-section because of my 3rd degree tear. but that had never crossed my mind. otis's birth was so wonderful and meaningful to me, i would never trade it. AND the tear has healed really well and not caused me any trouble. i'm very grateful for that.

adjusting

i've heard it said that women cut their hair after having a baby because their hair is something they can control. for me, it's tidying my house.

today was pretty much my first full day on my own with my two kids. and after being on my own (with different degrees of support) all week, i reached my breaking point around lunch time today and had a bit of a melt down. yesterday, when nancy was over, i got a lot of tidying and cleaning done, but by bedtime the house was messy and chaotic again. so after not being able to find my bus pass, and being unable to make it to the hospital to visit my dad (who is recovering from surgery), and having a crying baby who doesn't like to be set down while i wanted to make some lunch, i knew something had to give.

keeping the house tidy helps a lot. even all the little things that i don't normally notice, have been bothering me in my current stage – things like dust on the toaster. i suppose it's not a bad thing, wanting to keep the house tidy. i know that things are going to balance out, and if a clean house helps keep me sane, that's a good approach.

two boys and a lady

brendan is out of town for a work conference, and i'm alone with my two sons. the timing isn't great, since we're still getting to know otis and eamon is still getting used to having him in the mix. bedtime was bad. otis was screaming because he needed to be nursed and eamon was having a melt down because he didn't want to go to bed (plus, brendan wasn't here to do their regular routine). it was rough, but it can only get easier, right?

i'm going to go to bed now. the "sleep when the baby sleeps" concept works best for me in the evening. sure, i go to sleep early these days, but it's the best way to do myself a favour. i would've gone to bed at 7:30 if otis was already sleeping.

porcelain

after months of our toilet flushing increasingly worse, the flusher finally broke, and we had to buy a new one. the new flusher works so well that i actually look forward to using it.

being able to flush the toilet with ease is one of my most favourite parts of the day.

brace

i can't remember if i mentioned the book "funny girl" that i was reading and finished last week. it was about a young woman seeking to be a comedic actor in the 1960s (she wanted to be like lucile ball). at the end, it fast forwards to 2014 (which i found a bit weird, since the story was about this young actress). she reflects on how the industry has changed since she started out, and remarks about how nowadays everyone wants to work in entertainment, and how there are fewer people willing to do the undesirable jobs. i can't remember how she phrased it, but she talked about how entertainment has become the centre of our society, and i think she's right. that's why there are movie themed birthday parties, and children's clothes and backpacks with cartoon characters on them, etc etc.

i think she put her finger on what troubles me so much about an excess of pop-culture paraphernalia in stores. it always irritated me when i couldn't find just nice kids bedsheets without disney cartoons on them, and i couldn't put my finger on why. it's party because i like creativity, and i think there's lots of great artists and designers beyond disney, and i'd rather have a generic cartoon from an unknown artist than support an uncreative corporation. but i think it also makes me uncomfortable because it reinforces entertainment as something we should value, something to love. and i simply don't value that – it's entertainment only, not something more meaningful.

as someone who works in marketing, i'm also keenly sensitive to the subtle ways the we're constantly being advertised at. so i avoid any kind of brand reinforcement. because they're simply trying to make people form an emotional attachment so they'll spend more.

assumption

i've been reading this novel about the titanic. it's really sad and yet compelling. i'm at the part where the main character has just gotten on a lifeboat, but everyone else she was with 14 people from her hometown, didn't get on for various reasons (the men were refused, some women chose not to go, some got lost). i can't help but feel struck by how tragic it is, even though there have been events with a greater death toll. maybe it's because it was such a man-made disaster. or maybe because of the hope of everyone on the ship, maybe were heading to america to start a new life. everyone had plans for their arrival, and most did not arrive. i dunno. it's just so sad.

i have to admit, i have a bit of a pet peeve about when a book i'm reading has a fictional book/movie/etc of the same name as the novel i'm reading. this book is called "the girl who came home" and there's a new paper article in it by that name. and the book "the help" had a book in it called "the help". this annoys me because the fictional version and the real version i'm reading are not the same thing! i really think they need different names. sheesh!

anyway, this book has puts me in the mood to watch the movie. i think the last time i watched it was on my birthday (it was playing on the tv) in 2001. i was living in toronto and my friends and i had ordered chinese food. time sure goes by fast.

st. mary's

when i was between 11 to 13, my dad used to take my sister and i on vacation to toronto each summer and over march break. we'd stay with my uncle bill and we'd do toronto-y things. in the summer we'd take our bikes, and ride all over the place. we'd frequently cycle in mount pleasant cemetery. it was one of our favourite places. joy and i were always amazed at how quiet it was. as soon as you enter through the gates, the sounds of the city disappeared. we also liked walking around, reading the headstones.

later, when i moved to toronto for the summer of 2000, i went to mount pleasant over my first weekend there. that monday, my co-worker and friend lana asked me what i did that weekend. i told her that i went to a cemetery. she was very troubled by that. it might have been a cultural thing, since she was from hong kong, but she said if she'd told her dad that she voluntarily went to a cemetery that he'd cry.

there's a cemetery near our house. it's a catholic cemetery, so unfortunately, they probably wouldn't let me get buried there. part of me would consider converting to catholicism just so i could be buried in our neighbourhood cemetery. i like local things. otis and i went for a stroll through there this morning. i like reading the different names, and dates; wondering about the people. a headstone is really all that's left of someone. i'm a pretty thrifty person, i don't care about a fancy funeral, and would want the cheapest of everything. but i want a headstone with a pretty awesome epitaph. i think we'll go there for a walk again sometime. there were parts i didn't get to, and we didn't really walk up the aisles, just stuck to the main roads.

lowering expectations

when i work a short 4 day week, i find myself expecting it to fly by fast, and as a result, it doesn't. i'm finding this principle to be true too with having a newborn. i know that this stage goes by fast, and as a result, i'm expecting sleepless nights and constant nursing and needing to be held while i try to eat dinner to be behind me already. it's all about expectations and i need to lower mine. even an easy baby has his difficult moments.

my sweet little baby decided to be wide awake from 1 am to 5 am last night. he's not even usually that awake during the day. it's like he's slowly changing time zones. and now he's sleeping, i'm wide awake and can't fall asleep. unfortunately, having gone most of the night without sleep, i was very irritated when eamon got up this morning at 6. i was not gracious with him about it.

i'm sorry... hearing the daily details of a parent of a newborn's sleep situation is quite boring. i guess what i'm trying to aim for is being transparent enough to be real about this current stage, and yet concealed enough that i don't lose perspective and make everything about newborn+preschool parenting.

acquaintance

when i was in grade 10, a girl in my class got pregnant. by the time she returned to school in grade 11, she was married to her boyfriend. i'd heard that their parents made them get married. he did not seem ready for marriage, at all. they had another kid together while still in highschool. i was thinking a lot about that girl today. married at 15. i wonder how things worked out for them.

registrar

i was saying to b the other day, that it's amazing to me that ANY women in history would've survived childbirth. i know death was common, but really, it feels like surviving should've been the exception. like really, does anyone know anyone that didn't tear at all? (i mean ever, even with multiple births) what would women do with a 3rd degree tear? other than, you know, bleed a lot and die. it's crazy really.

today was brendan's first day back at work, and my first day on my own with otis. he seems to be in a bit of a growth spurt. he's looking chubbier, and he was cranky and only wanted to nurse today. i did get a lot of reading done. although, i would've welcomed a nap. he's sleeping now though. this is the longest stretch he's napped all day. it's nice having a backyard and deck to sit out on while nursing. it was a lovely day out there.

sleeping

every evening, otis sleeps from 7:30 or 8 til 10 or 11. after nursing him, he sleeps again until 1 or 2 am. then every single night, he naps on and off for the next 4 or 5 hours, waking almost every 20 minutes, until 6:30, when eamon gets up. then otis sleeps solid until after 9 :S

all that said, i need to keep perspective that it's not that bad and this will soon give way to a new pattern and stage.

paperback

brendan and i stopped in at the kingscourt library yesterday. i needed a new book and eamon's books were due back. we had otis with us. when we entered, the nice librarian greeted us and asked us all about our baby. we'd talked before about my pregnancy. i always appreciate how friendly she is, especially compared to the grumpy librarian.

then i headed over to the fiction section, and brendan to the kids section. within a minute or two, i could hear my dad's voice, so i came out from the bookshelves and saw him talking with the nice librarian. my dad goes to the library at least once a day, and is on a first name basis with many of the librarians. so as he chatted away, i approached him with otis in my arms. when he saw me he yelled out "holey mosey!". the librarian started commenting on how cute the baby is, when he said to her "this is my daughter!". she had no idea. it's funny when you know two people separately and don't realize they're connected. i guess he'd been in there last week and told her that his daughter was in labour.

she told me that she has a dog named otis :p

i'm glad that they have a good relationship and that that positive association will be in my favour :)

otis's birth – after thoughts

it's been nearly a week now since otis was born. i feel like its still sinking in that i got to push him out myself, which means i managed to have a VBAC. which is amazing. i remember the next day just shaking my head and saying "i've been thinking about this for 3 years". 

not only do i feel a great since of accomplishment with the birth itself, i feel like it complete's eamon's birth story as well. in many respects they are the same story – one long story that started in 2013 and finished in 2016. i feel a lot more peace now, having finally figured out why eamon was so difficult to birth and why he got stuck. while i'm puzzled as to why no one identified last time that i had a low pelvic arch (it took susan no time at all), i don't even care because at least now i know. i've had to tell people so many times "they were never able to figure out why he got stuck". it's nice to finally have that mystery solved. 

otis's birth also gives me a lot more peace about eamon's birth. i felt so unsettled and it affected how i felt about myself and my body. it made me feel, not like a failure, but that i had shortcomings. i feel like this birth erased those feelings, and i feel a lot more accepting of how eamon's birth went. because, after all, it was quite an adventure and a unique experience.

i love both birth stories for their distinctiveness. and i love having had both experiences – the caesarean and the vaginal birth. AND i love that it was in that order. it makes me feel like i've completed my baby-having career triumphantly. 

i feel better about my body too. i remember a friend telling me that her births made her feel more respect for her body. and i felt disappointed that my first birth made me feel disgruntled with my body. i think that affective my body image a lot as well. but now, even though my tummy is soft and saggy, it makes me feel excited and delighted. i carried two wonderful baby boys in there! what a privilege. 

when otis was first born, his complection was very red and his face was puffy. it surprised me, because he didn't look familiar. eamon immediately felt like mine because he looked familiar somehow. i wasn't sure about otis at first. but with time and a bath, the swelling went down, and his skin tone normalized, and i felt like "ah! there's my baby!" he looks like my otis now :)

we're managing well as a family of four. we're finding the learning curve with the second baby to be much smaller. the main challenge is to be mindful to include eamon, and give him the love and attention he needs. having heard that the birth of the second born is life's greatest betrayal for the first born, i would have to say that's somewhat true, but not in the way i was expecting. maybe it's because we're being mindful of this transition for him, but i think we're doing ok at keeping eamon included. it's actually been other folks that i've notice a shift with. one person referred to eamon as our "other" sweet boy (which felt like a downgrade in status). and when we were having visitors one day, i thought these visitors would be thrilled to take eamon to the park, but they actually just wanted to hold otis (so i took eamon to the park instead). it seems he's lost some appeal with people who would normally have given him lots of attention. that's fine i guess, since we're doing our part to keep the love flowing. 

in terms of a meaningful faith experience, i definitely wanted this birth to be a thin space for me. that was something i struggled with a lot last time, after the fact. and i'm grateful that in seeking God's presence throughout otis's birth, i felt peace and confidence that God showed up. i tried to pray gratitude and acknowledgement a lot. i found that i was truly grateful for each contraction, because with each one, we were closer to the birth, and closer to completion. in general, i really felt my spiritual needs being met in my inner most being. 

all this to say, that it was a lovely and meaningful experience for me. one i will cherish all my days. 

otis's birth – part 4

as i felt him lying on me, i was hoping that meant the pain and contractions would stop soon, but didn't know how long it would take for the 3rd stage of labour to be done. they gave me a shot in the leg to help speed up the expulsion of the placenta, and it was out very soon after. i can't remember if i had to push for that or not. when i got up to go to pee, i felt another big, painful contraction, which really surprised me, but they said that is very common for second (third, fourth, etc) babies. and that tylenol and motrin would help with that. 

someone asked us his name, and i got to tell everyone "his name is otis". then brendan shared his full, long name – otis alyosha wesley gerald. i was so happy and proud to be awake and able to announce his name :) but was glad that brendan shared his full name, because it's a long one. 

i could hear brendan beside me, crying gently. which i liked, it was very sweet. i was too exhausted and uncomfortable for the reality of what just happened to sink in. 

soon susan broke the news that i had quite a bad tear. she was still determining if it was a 2nd degree or 3rd degree tear. if it was a 3rd degree, than a doctor would have to repair it, and the doctor was in the OR performing a c-section. in the meantime she put on a topical cream to freeze it. it turned out to be a 3rd degree C tear, which is bad, but not the worst. we had to wait about 45 minutes before the doctor was available to do the repair work. in the meantime, we got otis nursing. it took him a couple minutes to get him latched, but once he was, he nursed like a little pro, and has continued to do well.

thankfully during the stitching i was able to use the gas. it didn't reduce the pain so much as distract me from it. i still had to hold and squeeze shannon's hand through that process. while on the gas, i was very chatty and just rambled. by then i was able to open one eye, but not both. 

when he first came out, he looked SO TINY. we were all convinced that he was smaller than eamon, and around 6 lbs. but it turns out he was 8lb 1 oz, making him just a few ounces bigger than eamon. he's also an inch longer, so he's also long and lean like his daddy. 

susan asked if we wanted to stay at the hospital or go home, and we opted to stay. we were tired, having been up for nearly 24 hours at that point. through my benefits at BBD, we had coverage for a semi-private room, but i wanted to upgrade to a private room (it's only a $25 difference). however, they managed to find us an empty semi-private room instead, and brendan was able to stay too. when we got down to our room, susan told us that she was leaving, and gave me a big hug. i thanked her for everything, but i felt like that was too small of a gesture. 

we were expecting to leave by noon, but it turns out that my bladder wasn't emptying properly because of all the swelling. this explained a lot, because the only pain i was experiencing was when i had to pee. i ended up staying until the next day at noonish. brendan spent that night at home with eamon, and i was on my own with otis. we managed quite well, and i found it really bonding to just be alone with him. 

----------------------------------------

things people told me afterwards...

• rach told me that susan had said that i had to work harder than most women to push out my baby because of my low pelvic arch. susan also said that she'd been anticipating a shoulder dystocia, and was prepared for that possibility. i'm glad i didn't have that, but was encouraged that susan knew what to do in that event. another thing, was that apparently susan was considering doing an episiotomy. another thing i was glad i didn't have. 

• b said he got really nervous when otis reached the same spot as where eamon got stuck. he also felt awful that i was in so much pain and he wasn't doing anything. he was struck by how unfair birth is. he's the one who got me pregnant, and now i was in agony pushing out that baby. b also pointed out that susan would frequently say "push out your baby". which is really nice and motivating. 

otis's birth – part 3

during our car ride to the hospital, i had at least 3 strong contractions. now, it's difficult to say if they were stronger because i didn't have my hot pad on my back, or because they were simply getting stronger, but i was starting to get suspicious that i was transitioning. at the very least, i was hoping i was because if that was not the strongest level of pain i was going to face, i wasn't sure how i was going to manage. 

brendan drove cautiously, but after he stopped at a neighbourhood stop sign when no other cars were around, i told him (mid contraction) "DON'T STOP!". the windows were down in the car (since it was a VERY hot september night), and with each contraction i would yell out these loud tarzan like cries "ahAH-AH-AH-AH". when we got to the lights at princess and victoria, there was a car in front of us that had queen's students gathering around it. i was so annoyed, and worried that they would not clear out of the way by the time the light turned green. i was fully prepared to tell "GET OUT OF THE WAY! I'M IN LABOUR!" if they didn't move. but thankfully they did. it was bizarre driving through campus with all these students everywhere.

when we arrived at the front entrance of KGH, brendan dropped me off, while rach dropped shanno off, and they headed to go park the cars while we went inside. i wasn't sure if someone would suddenly appear with a wheelchair (like they do in the movies), but we didn't stick around to find out, and instead headed for connell 5. one of the funniest experiences for me, was when we stopped in the hall just past the lobby so i could have a contraction. i was leaning on a pillar and shannon was kneeling down applying counter pressure on my back as I yelled out, and these people walking by asked "is she ok?", to which shannon explained "oh, she's alright, she's just in labour". i find it so strange and funny that they weren't able to piece together that a very pregnant woman+in a hospital+making loud painful sounds=labour. after that one passed, we kept walking and talking as if everything was normal. we had to stop another few times. i also had a contraction in the elevator, during which i tried to exit (and managed to). shanno tried to encourage me to stay on the elevator if that helped, but i was scared that it would start moving again to another floor with us on it, thus delaying us from getting to connell 5. we managed ok though :)

when we got to the nursing station, we told them that i was in labour and we were meeting my midwife susan there. thankfully brendan and rachel showed up very quickly because they had my purse/healthcard. it seems that susan did call ahead and they were expecting me, so they showed me to my room; a different room from last time, which i had been hoping for – i wanted a room with bigger windows, although it was midnight by the time we arrived, so we couldn't see anything anyway. but i still liked that we had a different room. when we entered, the nurse said "there's the washroom if you need it", and i was tempted to go, but then thought "i should wait til susan gets here, just in case...". i was standing with someone (i think it was shannon) contracting in the bathroom when susan arrived. at first she implied that we still had time to do a few different things, but i remember feeling sure that i was quite far along, and just wanted to get checked to find out for sure. we moved into the room close to the bed when i felt an urge to barf. so i stood there gagging and heaving over my metal mixing bowl. thankfully i didn't barf (just one less unpleasant thing to deal with). susan asked me "are you pushing while you're heaving?" and i said "maybe". there was so many things happening at once in my body that i couldn't be sure, but definitely couldn't rule it out. 

she had me lie down so she could check my cervix, and told me i that i was 8 cm. that was both encouraging and disappointing at the same time. i was sure that i was VERY ready to push this baby out, and i didn't know how long it would be until 10 cm. she explained that although my water had broken, there was still a membrane covering my cervical opening, and asked permission to break that, and i agreed. after she did that, i was 9 cm. she then told me that there was still a little bit of cervix in the way, but she could push it away with her hand, so if i could push with my next contraction, she might be able to get it out of the way, and that worked! so i was 10 cm in no time. i was finding the contractions just AWFUL, so i asked if i could have some gas. but she explained that because i was about to start pushing i couldn't have any gas because it would make me light headed, so i had to do without. 

i remember crying out and writhing about on the bed, and susan trying to calm me down so she could talk to me. she told me that i had to channel my cries down, because i couldn't push if my diaphragm was open. so tried redirecting my instincts down toward my bum. pushing was hard, especially when dealing with a contraction that i just wanted to go away. 

soon i was hearing susan say "she has a low pelvic arch, so it's going to be difficult to push him past her pelvis". this was very interesting and revealing since i had difficulties pushing our eamon, but no one ever mentioned anything about a low pelvic arch before. she also explained that she knew very specific positions that would help work around that issue. so oddly enough, she started me on my back with my legs up. i remember hearing her say "his head is moulding". in the meantime, i could not keep my eyes open, and i was sweating buckets. shannon kept giving me sips of drinks between contractions, rach was holding the fetal monitor in place (because they had to keep track of him, since fetal distress is the first sign of uterine rupture. thankfully, his heart-rate was strong the whole time, and even with all my moving and writhing, the monitor was able to get a consistent read), and b helped with damp cloths on my face. at some point, the back-up midwife sarah arrived. 

the next position we tried was me kneeling on the bed, facing backwards, holding onto a bar on the other side. this was not my favourite position, but it seemed to have a positive contribution. then we moved onto the birth stool (i'll just stop to say at this point, but grateful i am that i didn't have an epidural because i would not have been able to move around so much, and get into so many different positions. also, it never once occurred to me to ask for an epidural. i didn't want one, i wasn't tempted to have one, it wasn't even on my radar). the birth stool was neat, because i was able to grab the underside of the stool and pull up with my hands, while pushing down with the rest of me. eventually though, she said that the birth stool had been really effective, but had also resulted in lots of swelling, so it was time to change positions again.

at that point, susan suggested i try going to pee. i think she thought it would help if my bladder was full, it might have been in the way a little. rachel helped me to the bathroom (still with my eyes closed), and when i had another contraction, she told me just to hold on to her. so i grabbed and squeezed her arms. i sat on the toilet for a few contractions, but it seems i didn't have to pee, so we headed back to the bed, where i lied on my back again. for a time we used the stirrups, but mostly i just had to pull back on my legs with some help. it often felt like i wasn't holding my pushes for long enough. she would tell me "keep going, keep going", but i needed to take a breath, so usually stopped before she said i could. sometimes she'd tell me "take your rest", but i could feel that he contraction wasn't done yet. but she told me that little pushes didn't help, and that i needed to save my energy for the big long pushes. 

all this time, i felt like i was trying to have a massive poo while being extremely constipated. i pushed and pushed, but that poo did not come out. eventually, i just told myself i was just pooping, and let go of the idea of pushing out a baby. i think that really helped. it actually released me from a lot of potential fears. susan would often insert a finger and tug a little as a indication of where i should be directing my pushes, and that really helped as well. sometimes she'd say "can you feel your baby?" and i'd always say "no" or shake my head. as far as i was concerned i was just pooping. the last status update she'd given me was that i needed to push him past my pelvis, and until she said otherwise, i wasn't going to get my hopes up that i'd achieved that. so again, i just focused on pooping. 

eventually, shanno, b and rach started saying "i can see his head! there's his head!", but we could see eamon's head last time, and that didn't mean anything, so i tried to keep my expectations low. susan asked me if i wanted to feel my baby's head, so i did, but it didn't feel like a baby's head. everything was puffy down there, and his head was just more puffiness. but regardless, it was still encouraging. i think there was more of his head than there was of eamon's last time. as the pushing continued, i thought about how much i hated it, and how much i wanted it to be over. but i knew the only way to be finished was to push him out, so i kept working and trying really hard. the pain was very motivating. part of me felt like "why don't they just pull him out already".

even though people were talking about his head, no one actually used to the words "he's crowning", so i didn't want to jump to any conclusions. i've hard rachel talk about "the ring of fire" many times in regards to birth, so when i started feeling the burn, i concluded that he must be crowning. in a way, it was better to read my own body signs than be told that he was crowning. susan was placing warm cloths on me, which was soothing, and i figured they also helped to reduce tearing. i can't remember if anyone said that his head was out of not, but i remember brendan, shannon and rach said "he's moving around! les, he's moving around a lot!", and they were obviously very excited. but i had no idea what they meant by that, babies move around, right? when i asked b about that later, he said that the baby's head was out, and he was turning it side to side. he half expected the baby's head to keep spinning around like in the exorcist. i think i had two more contractions/pushes, and the next thing i knew he was lying on my belly. i could feel him, and he felt very little, and all limbs. everyone was saying "he looks so different to eamon". 

otis's birth – part 2

susan had mentioned that the midwives were having an evening meeting at the clinic, but when we arrived it looked like they were having a potluck. we didn't want to interrupt, especially since we were early, so we walked around the building a few times before one of the midwives came out and we mentioned we were there to see susan. the weird thing was that that midwife asked us (a man and very pregnant woman) if we were clients and if we had an appointment. so we confirmed that we were and that susan was expecting us. 

she brought us inside, and someone joked about how if we wanted to have our baby then, all the midwives where there and could help :) i remember seeing alyssa and she waved at us. susan took us into her room and got me set up on the monitor. she was going to let it run for a half hour to see how my baby's heart rate was, and to see if i was having contractions. thankfully his heart-rate was strong, so that was not an issue. she also checked my cervix and found that i was 2-3 cm dilated. over that half hour i had 5 contractions that were growing in intensity, but she said they'd need to be longer and stronger than that. it turns out the midwives where having a party-meeting. they have some new equipment that doesn't fit super well into their bags, so they had this dinner meeting (ordering in thai/cambodian food from pat's) to share ideas on how everyone is managing their equipment. she also mentioned (and i can't remember if this was funding they're hoping for or have officially heard that they're receiving) that they were celebrating some funding for new bags. 

anyway, she also took us into the pap-room to do an internal exam and used a swab to confirm that it was definitely my amniotic fluid – and it was. she went over my options. i could be induced right away or i could wait 24 hours (from when my water broke), because 50% of women will go into labour on their own within 24 hours, or i could wait 36 hours, because 75% of women go into labour within 36 hours. waiting 48 hours was also an option, but not one she encouraged, and truthfully i didn't want to wait that long either. i told her that i didn't want to be induced, and that i wanted to wait 36 hours before further action was taken. so we came up with the plan that i would go home, take a bath (she only recommended one bath since my water was broken so that protective seal was gone, but i could take as many showers as i wanted), take some tylenol and gravol and try to get some sleep on the recliner on our couch (i could lay down, which would keep the contractions coming, but not be reclined all the way so i could still get some rest). then we'd be in touch again in the morning. 

so we went home with that plan. when i got there, i decided to have a shower instead of a bath because the thought of getting down and up again into the tub seemed very difficult. so i started a shower. it was so nice in there, that i just stayed in. i found my contractions were increasing, so i'd just move and sway, and allow the hot water to fall on my back during each new wave. after a half hour, i thought i probably should get out. during that half hour, i estimated that i'd had about 10 contractions, and they were getting stronger. 

when i got out, i got ready for bed (teeth, contacts, etc) and headed to the living room to sleep on the couch. not only was i not really sleepy, i was starting to feel like the baby was going to come sooner than the following morning. i tried to explain to brendan that i didn't think getting sleep was necessary, but he didn't quite catch my drift right away (which was i think the baby is coming). we got out my trusty hot-pad, and with each contraction, i would stand up and he would apply the pad to my lower back until it was gone. we developed a pretty good system with that. i was using my iPod to time them, and found that they were less than 5 minutes apart, but they weren't hitting that 1 minute long target, so we just kept waiting. brendan was tired, and i kept saying "maybe we should call the girls back", but he thought it was too soon to trouble them. 

around 10:30, i did call them and said "it's time to come back". i also called my mom around that time, realizing i hadn't given her an update since early afternoon. when i told her "my contractions are 2 to 3 minutes apart" she said "shouldn't you be at the hospital by now?", so i explained that we were waiting for the contractions to last 1 minute, be 5 minutes apart for 1 hour. by then my contractions were varying in length from 45 seconds to 1.15 minutes, and i thought they should be more consistent than that. eventually, when we reached 2 hours at that pace, brendan called susan again, and she asked to speak to me. while on the phone with her, i had 2 more contractions and she was able to hear me. i remember feeling slightly self-conscious that everyone was just sitting watching/listening to me during those 2 contractions. when i got back on the phone with her, we tried to determine when was the right time to meet up at the hospital. i didn't want to head over too early, and i kind of thought she'd come check me at home first, but she said to me "are you having any pressure or sensation in your rectum?", and at that point i was starting to, so i said "a little". so with that she decided we'd leave right away to meet at KGH. brendan, shannon and rach helped me get ready. i had a few remaining things to go in my overnight bag (thankfully i had prepared a list so they could just grab the things without me having to think about it). i felt very lucid and normal between contractions, i could talk and express my needs quite well, which was good (different from last time).

by then i'd asked for a bowl in case i had to barf, and i had a trusty dishtowel that i used to wipe my constantly sweating face. i was thankful for the dishtowel because it doubled as something for me to squeeze when a contraction came on. so with those things in my hands, we got into our cars and headed out.

otis's birth – part 1

i was fully asleep when i was woken up by my water breaking at 4:30 am. it was a subtle feeling, but it woke me anyway. i immediately sat up to rush to the bathroom and told brendan "my water broke". it leaked out all the way to the washroom. brendan, who is usually dazed and confused when he's been sleeping, tried his best to clean it up, by going back and forth to the kitchen getting one piece of paper towel at a time. at one point, he even started spraying the floor with some cleaner. 

thankfully though, it was clear (no meconium). so once, we changed the sheets and dried the floor, we got back into bed. since my side of the bed was quite wet, i suggested we put some newspaper down on the mattress before putting on the sheets (inspired by 'call the midwife'). that worked pretty well. so we tried to sleep for another 2 hours, but not only was i not sleepy, i was having regular contractions roughly 6 minutes apart. i was encouraged. last time, no contractions started after my water broke. we waited until 6:30 before calling our doulas and midwife. the plan was to get eamon to daycare, and then we could focus more on the birth. around 7 we called our families to let them know. i'd made arrangements with joy to pick up eamon from daycare so he could spend the evening with them, then nancy would pick him up around 7 or 8, to take him to their place to sleep. he's had sleepovers there before, and she has a toddler bed set up for him in the guest room, so it would be the easiest overnight solution. since it was the first day of school, eamon was starting in a new class at daycare. he'd had a few visits up to that class and had started expressing resistance to the idea of that being his new room (often saying "no big boy room" before leaving in the morning). we'd miss picking him up and seeing how his day went in the new room.

soon after my water broke, i estimated that since i was already having contractions, AND i was expected to dilate quicker this time around, that the baby could be born by late afternoon. however, by then i hadn't noticed that my contractions had gone away. they only occurred when i was lying down. once i was up and doing, nothing happened. 

brendan decided he would go into work, at least until thing got going. so he headed out with eamon as per usual. after he left, i sat out front on the porch drinking tea like it was a regular day.  rachel and shannon arrived around 8 and we decided to go for a walk; it was a lovely day, and walking usually helps get things moving. we walked up to the new schools because rach and shannon didn't know where the schools were being built, then walked more about the neighbourhood. while walking shannon suggested we play scrabble! and why not? we had a lot of waiting to do.

so we played scrabble and ate the banana bread that eamon and i had made on saturday. shannon started recording my contractions, which were random and inconsistent. she developed a rating scale to keep track of their intensity. in the meantime (around 11), b came home for lunch. his co-worker was VERY surprised that he was at work at all – people definitely have the impression from tv that labour is fast and dramatic. sometimes there's a lot of waiting around to be had. as we chatted, we talked about how susan (my midwife) had recommended using a breast pump to help things progress (and rach mentioned that she found nursing astrid very helpful when her water broke with muirgen). so we headed out to medical arts pharmacy to rent one. however, when we arrived, we learned that to buy the equipment (tubes, bottles, etc) to go with the pump costs $75, in addition to the $25 for the pump rental. so we left, since i'd decided in advance (without knowing how much it would cost) that i would be willing to pay up to $50 for the rental. we got home, and chatted together about what to do next, and concluded that i should have a nap and the girls were going to "go home" (turns out they went for a massive feast at red lobster. this is extra funny to me since they're vegetarians. well i guess they're technically pescetarians).

while lying down, my contractions got stronger. i couldn't sleep, probably because i'd had some ice tea while playing scrabble, but thought resting was good for me. i spend some time reading while i lied down, and figured out how to use this contract timer app on my ipod. it was very handy, and showed my contractions were once again steady while lying down. i called b at work to talk things over. by this time it was early afternoon, and it was clear that my prediction of a late afternoon birth was not going to happen. i was starting to feel anxious that things weren't progressing and i was going to find myself labouring through the night and exhausted like i did with eamon. i concluded that paying $100 to get my contractions going stronger was worth it if it meant i wouldn't need to be induced. so i emailed shannon and rachel and they came back to get me so we could pick up the breast pump. BUT when we got back to the pharmacy, the lady told us that the last one was just rented out a half hour before. while that was disappointing, part me of questioned if we should do the breast pump thing at all. i did after all want to wait for my body to do the work itself. maybe it was for the best that it was gone.

we did, however, come up with the idea to go to the shoppers home healthcare place to see if they rent them out too. and thought we'd just check in at shoppers first to see if they have any pumps for sale. in the end, we chose a manual pump that was on sale for $25. while we were there, i thought i'd get some longer pads, because i was having to wear 2 pads all the time because my water kept gushing from time to time. we picked some out and started towards the cash when shannon spotted some depends underpants. i had heard that depends were good for when your water spontaneously breaks, so i decided to get those instead. we really didn't know how much the depends would absorb (were they for dribbles or full on blabber expulsion), so we got the maximum absorbancy ones.

when we got home, we tried out the pump while brendan called susan again. she recommend that we use the pump for 15 minutes, then take a break for 45 minutes. i was lying down while using the pump and while i THINK i had contractions (i already can't remember all the details), it was hard to tell if it was because of the pump or the lying down. during our 45 minute break, we went for another walk, and i tried walking along the curb to help position the baby well (so that his head would press firmly against my cervix). i took the girls down this secret path behind the houses near my house. it's a neat spot that feels far from the city. i can see my sons playing there when they're bigger, even building a fort there. the path leads down to the oak street garden. i like being able to see in to my neighbours backyards.

while i tried my second 15 minute session on the pump, shannon (by then known as 'the party doula') got out some madlibs and we played while we waited. we also decided to order a pizza. while not a lot happened labour-wise, it was a fun day of hangout all together :) we had lots of laughs throughout the day. one thing that made us laugh was that for the last few hours i had kept talking about my breasts producing meconium while using the pump. i MEANT to say colostrum, but shannon didn't correct me and rach didn't notice for at least 2 hours :p

brendan had arranged with susan that we would go to the midwives clinic at 7:45 so she could run some tests and we could come up with a plan. as we ate dinner, i was saying how i was feeling anxious that things were too similar to last time, and worried that things were going to turn out the same way. i was surprised by this, because i had expected to feel worried about pushing my baby out, i hadn't expected things to be similar to last time. although, my water was clear, AND i was having contractions (even if they were random), so there was some differences.

anyway, 7:35 came around and we all headed out. b and i to the clinic and the girls were going to head home until we called them later on.

+3

it's been a LONG weekend without any plans. eamon's in a weird pesty mood these days, and it's tiring us out. thankfully, nancy offered to have him for a bit today, and after breakfast, he immediately got dressed and put on his shoes saying he was going to nana's. so i gave her a call and she was more than happy to have him.

so i got to sleep in til 10. then we went to the collins bay flea market. it was my first time there, which was ironic because i grew up in collins bay and had never been there before. it's been a flea market for ~25-30 years. before that it was a john's deli. i went there when it was john's deli and bought mini-chickets. anyway, after that we went for a long long walk at lemoine point. it was nice. more relaxing than it would've been with eamon.

this is a funny time in life. well, not funny 'haha', but funny as in interesting and unique. as far as i know, this is my final time waiting for baby. and that makes this really nice and special. it naturally dominates my thoughts. i feel torn between enjoying this familiar and predictable existence, and longing for my baby's arrival – and all the excitement and joy that can bring (and relief too).

i know that there are things you can do to bring on labour, but i'm actually opting to wait it out, rather than trying to influence something i can't/shouldn't. i'm quite convinced that all the interventions last time (great and small) only interfered with eamon's birth, instead of helping.

i have a lot of fears too. fears that they'll have to end up intervening if or when he goes way over due (when talking with a friend the other day, she told he how ratty and falling apart her placenta was when her baby was born 10 days late). i've been trying to avoid being induced, so i would be very said if they end up breaking my water. i'm also worried that my body will be slow to act – too slow. i can't say it's given me a lot of reason to be confident in its readiness to begin labour. then again, rach and alyssa both keep saying how well i dilated, even when induced. so maybe i should have more faith in my body's ability to birth well. i dunno. we'll find out eventually, i guess.

waiting is the hardest part

oh my goodness, i'm grumpy.

it seems i have run out of things to do, and now i'm just sitting pining for my labour to begin. it's not that there's nothing to do, it's just that there's nothing i'd rather be doing than taking care of my new baby and getting to know him. i'm grumpy and kind of mopey about it.

it doesn't help that i know i have a painful and difficult process ahead of me before i get hold said baby, so i just want to get that bit over with.

here's my plan...

have a short list of doable activities to fill my time between mope-sessions.

these activities will include napping, reading, eating.

i also have a few 'one-off' activities, such as watching the last episode of call the midwife, collecting the laundry off the line, taking a shower.

no need to feel sorry for me, i have generated enough self-pity on behalf of everyone.

also, no need to invite me to do stuff, because i already know i'm not interested.

blah, blah, blah.

keeping busy

last night i dreamt about labour all night. i dreamt about the nonnat-nuns and expired yogurt.

i felt pretty discouraged when i woke up. i'm so uncomfortable and just want my baby to be born. i sat in the living room feeling like "what the heck am i going to do with eamon today?". i'm super grateful for my partner who gave me lots of ideas and helped me get my day back on track. it's 8:45 and eamon and i have prepared some chocolate chip zucchini muffins, which are in the oven baking at this moment.

after they're ready, and we each eat one fresh from the oven, we'll head out to babies r us so i can buy a bassinet on wheels with my earnings from the casino. 

spoils

shannon and i went for our annual trip to the casino today. we went a few months early, because by the time november 6 comes around, my baby will only be 2 months old, so he wouldn't be allowed to come along.

things have changed at the gan casino since a new owner took over. just subtle things, and random things (for instance, there was a massive pile of crockpots in boxes for no clear reason).

as annual gamblers who have NEVER learned how to actually use a slot machine, we were very dumbfounded when within minutes of being there, i had more than doubled the amount of money i put into the machine. i could've just spent it all gambling, that would've been a legit approach, but i wanted to beat the casino for a change. since slot machines and casinos are usually rigged for the house to win.

annoying/inconvenient

life is weird. or maybe it's just people.

a couple years ago i had to put an alert on my credit after someone tried to scam me (claiming to be with visa). now, someone has used my credit card to set up an account with that exact credit bureau. who ironically did not catch this fraudulent activity. i had to call them myself when i saw some fishy charges.

not sure

i realize that i'm quite inexperienced with birth compared to many of my friends, and my last birth was not what i would consider normal. BUT i think i've been having contractions. just light ones. i don't know if my body is just practising or if it's the start of something. that said, i do know people who had contractions for several weeks before the birth, and with her first, my sister had contractions that stopped, but left her 4 cm dilated for a couple weeks. i don't know what's happening. only time will tell. i just know that i need to get past this bridal shower that i'm throwing/hosting tonight and i need to get my belly cast done asap. then i can rest easy and will feel free to birth this babe. 

squares

i think it's been four years since i stopped shaving my legs, and i'd have to say that i'm finally really happy with how my legs look. over the years, my leg hair was lightened and probably thinned out too (due to friction with my socks and pants). not only that, it's SO much more convenient than shaving. thankfully i stopped shaving before eamon was born, because i don't know how one would shave their legs while pregnant.

i had a consult at KGH today about my birth. first i saw a resident and then i saw the OB. it strikes me very odd that any young man would decide to be an OB. i'm not against male birth workers, i just would like to know what would make a guy decide to pursue that line of work. the resident i saw was very awkward. i've never had a man feel around on my belly to determine the position of my baby before. he didn't do it with much confidence. the midwives are much better at it, but maybe they're just more experienced. the actual OB was much more comfortable and really put me at ease. he was very encouraging of my plan for a VBAC, and very empathetic about my last c-section – he kept saying "that's tough". apparently only 3 to 4% of women have general anesthetic for their c-sections. thankfully i left there feeling quite positive, which was great. then i had a nice walk along the water front and sat on a bench for a while, enjoying the fact that i didn't have anywhere to be.

unemployed

last night, i had dream after dream about contractions and my water breaking. i woke up to still be very pregnant with no end in the immediate future.

it got me thinking though, about the difference between this pregnancy and last as i anticipate the birth. last time, it was mostly the birth experience that excited me. i was keen to see how it would unfold and what that would be like. this time, i'm keen for the birth because i want to meet this little man, to see his face, and to enjoy him outside my body with everyone else. i think that helps me manage any worry or concerns i have about the pain and challenges of childbirth.

i'm enjoying this little vacation i'm having. actually, it feels more like a break between jobs. it's good though. i've been crocheting a lot, and it's actually been quite a long time since i've done handcrafts because i haven't had a project, or need for anything. i like getting my handcraft creativity juices going again.

i guess it's been a while since i wrote :p my days have been quite full now that i'm not working.

last night, eamon had a sleepover at his nana's place, while b and i were at the mansion because b and the guys were performing. they did a GREAT job. they sounded awesome :) afterward, i didn't quite want to go home because i assumed it would be really hot in our house, so we drove down to the lake and sat chatting in our car. the odd thing about this, was that it was the park down by the lake where closeted gay men meet up for sexual encounters. we sat there in the car, watching single men wandering around alone, and occasionally disappearing with another man. it was a very odd activity to be a spectator for.

done

since january, i've been fantasizing about my last day at work. i felt like this frazey ford song would really summed up how i'd feel about leaving.

today was my last day, and over the last six months, the situation at work has gotten progressively worse. my closest team-mates have left (one on mat leave, one was fired), my boss was reassigned, and i was moved to another division where my new boss ignores me 95% of the time. needless to say, i've felt like my career there has just fizzled out. it's been an odd conclusion to 13 years there.

i've wondered as i've moved closer to this day how i'd feel to leave. if i'd feel nostalgic, sad, lonely, lost or happy. but instead i left angry. i've literally spent most of my time in recent years walking the halls virtually invisible, feeling unknown and unnoticed. so it's ironic that on my very last day, some anonymous a-hole called HR to complain about something minor i did as i packed up to leave. she did explain to them that it was my last day, but still had to call and check in with me about it.


the only thing i'm sorry to leave is emma. she's has been my last remaining life-line there. someone who always rooted for me, advocated for me, and someone i enjoyed a personal friendship with. i'll miss her a lot. i'll miss working with her, and collaborating with her. but the powers that be had already separated us anyway. it was already the end of an era, even if i'd stayed.

so instead of saying 'see you later', or 'F U', or 'farewell', i just sigh and say "i'm done". and let frazey ford say everything else.

masterchef

in my teens, my family did a lot of barbequing. I think we barbequed almost every meal in the summer. my best friend always used to comment on it, because her family didn't barbeque at all.

joy, who filled the role of "the man" on all practical matters (plus, parenting me), did most of the barbequing. I remember one time when she shinged her hair lighting the bbq.

b and I got a small camping bbq for our wedding. it's now 6 years old, and not working as it once did (b tried to lite it recently, and the flame started going back in towards the propane tank. so he declared it unusable/unsafe. regardless, b didn't grow up with as much barbequing as I did, and many times in past summers, I'd plan a meal that we could cook on the bbq, only for b to use the stove. in my exasperation, I'd say "but it's to hot for the oven!!, but he'd do it anyway.

during our week at the cottage, b finally got a taste for barbequing. it's much more heatwave-friendly, AND there's way less dishes. so we bought ourselves a small bbq this weekend. I was very surprised by how expensive bbq's are, and how BIG they've become. I just wanted a small and simple bbq at a modest price. we did find one, but it was the only one. there wasn't a selection to chose from.

since we were in the middle of yet another heatwave on Saturday, we decided to assemble it in our living room. originally we'd planned to pay for assembly. al told me once to always pay the extra for assembly. I remembered the time Melissa and I set up hers, and it did not go smoothly! but the guy who was certified to do it, was not in that day, so we thought we'd give it a go ourselves. thankfully, it went well for the most part, and didn't take forever. especially compared to the shed we assembled that took 3 days, instead of the suggested 6 hours, it was easy-peasy.

so we're feeling pretty grown up about it. it's funny how there are still things make can make a 36-year-old feel like a grown up :p

plateau

I discovered something rather key about my weight recently.

since I'm pregnant and weigh myself every time I'm at the midwives office, I've been able to keep track of it particularly well. this is especially true because I'm not on my regular menstrual cycle, and don't have monthly fluctuations.

I've been steadily gaining the appropriate amount each month, with one exception... before my week at the cottage, I had an appointment and weighed myself. then, I went to the cottage, ate homemade chocolate cookies every day, homemade salsa and chips every day, and ice cream a few times. when I got back, I had another midwife appointment, and instead of gaining the expected 1 pound, I'd gained 4. I have no doubt that my permissive week of eating accounted for those 3 extra pounds. and while 3 pounds is not a huge amount, if I ate like that every week, or even once a month, I would eventually start to really pack on the pounds.

so I'm going to remember this for when I'm not pregnant again. after I pop-out this particular baby, my baby-making days will be done, so it will be time to consistently control my weight instead of yo-yo-ing, the way I have over the last 15 years. fifteen years. that is a long time. my entire adulthood.

third

yesterday was eamon's third birthday. for the first time, I told him a condensed version of his birth story, and showed him the scar where he came out. he was very interested, and mentioned to Brendan later that the doctors cut me open. I hope in time, i'll be able to convey that this is not typically how babies are born. I don't want him growing up misinformed about the business-end of the birds and the bees.

we had a lovely gathering of both sides of our family. everyone was gathered in our backyard in lawnchairs and paper plates. it was a really nice evening, and eamon did very well (didn't get too worked up - I've seen my fair share of kids having meltdowns and/or barfing at their own birthday parties).

when he was asking me about his party (not sure how serious the question was, because he asks 'why' about everything), I told him "we're going to celebrate because you being born changed everything", and then I got all teary-eyed while he moved on to other interests.

rust in our very marrow

I feel like life has become less romanticized as I've gotten older. or that I'm less romanticized about life than I once was. I think it's partly that I've mellowed out, and am less driven by emotions and feelings than I was in my teens and 20s. drama has really lost all its appeal.

but there's one exception... the song "when we go, how we go (part 1)" by rock plaza central. that song immediately immerses me back into the experience of falling in love with Brendan. it even feels funny saying "falling in love", because I don't normally talk that way, but that's really the only way to describe that experience and that song.

we've been married 6 years, and things have changed since those early days. changed between us and around us. I feel like our connection is deeper and more mature. we've changed as people, and evolved in positive ways. I think we continue to bring out the good in each other. I feel really fortunate. it took a long time to "find" my b, but I'm glad I kept waiting. I regularly have nightmares that I'm being forced to marry someone else, when it's really Brendan that I want to be with. I think the root of this dream is the reality that I could've ended up with many ill-suited suitors. I'm glad I held out and didn't take a shortcut.

I like to see him sleep. it's nice sleeping beside him, but there's something very intimate about seeing someone lying asleep in your bed as you get up and ready for work.

mommas in transition

I had a thought provoking conversation with my sister yesterday. we were talking about transitioning from one baby to two. I knew from past conversations that she found 1 to 2 the hardest transition. harder than 0 to 1, or 2 to 3, or even 3 to 4. I mentioned that we found eamon to be such an easy baby that we wonder if he's spoiled us and we'll be unprepared for the next one. she said "none of my babies were 'bad babies', my first one was hard, not because she was a bad baby, but because I was a bad mom". explaining how little she knew and how unprepared she was the first time. it look her a lot of time to figure out useful parenting hacks.

it made me wonder if a person's preparedness is really the biggest impact-er for smoothly navigating the early baby stages. a friend of mine recently had a hard time with a colicky baby, and her midwife recommended giving him probiotics, and that really helped. I'm sure if she had a colicky baby again, she'd know to do that sooner. happy baby = happy momma.

all that said, I've tried to set us up for success with this transition, with eamon still going to daycare some days a week, and in fact going full time in September. we'll see if that helps.

gen x + gen y

so I says to my much younger husband the other day... "what's the deal with pokemon?"

he starts to explain to me about the new game 'pokemon go', which I'm already aware of. I specifically wanted to know what the plot or purpose of the pokemon world, and why its appealing to people. he explained the basics to me.

so then I asked him "how many pokemons are there?"

and he laughed and said "there's no 's' on pokemon. that was such a 'mom' thing to say".

don't you think?

it's ironic really.

or maybe just unfortunate (to be honest, that alanis song has really warped my understanding of the word 'ironic').

i'm at a job that seems to have no future, and I come across a posting on twitter for a local job that fit my skills, experience and industry perfectly. I'm pretty sure if I submitted my resume they'd feel like they were hitting the jackpot. BUT I can't apply because I'm having a baby in ~8 weeks, so I won't really be available. plus, I don't really have a resume prepared anyway.

despite that, I suppose it's encouraging. I didn't realize that the local transit authority had its own marketing team. every so often, a job that seems perfect for me comes up. here's hoping that when I'm ready to job hunt, that something good will be available.

similar, but different

I've been reading this little novella about an 11-year-old girl who's mom just left. it takes place in 1966. I don't think if I've ever read a book about someone else's experience of separation/divorce as a child, and I relate to it. I feel a mix of sad and empathy for her.

this bit was particularly accurate of my experience: "It wasn't as if she just walked out the door and was gone. from now on, every holiday that came up along, part of me would be hoping she'd show up. the leaving went on and one. I wonder how long it would be before she wouldn't be leaving anymore, she'd just be gone."

i actually feel a sense of indignation that this kid is having to figure out all this stuff on her own. but i suppose its that i feel indignation that i had to figure it out all on my own. I'm glad i did. it just took way longer than it needed to.

a different approach

I know that it comes from a kind and sincere place, but I'm not comfortable with the practice of raising or collecting funds for the loved ones who have died in tragic ways (ie shootings). I don't think there's enough money in the world to heal that hurt.

i understand that people have a desire to do something, and giving money, especially to strangers far away, is something they can do. but i would much prefer to see money go towards the cause of the loss. for example, when someone dies from cancer, usually people give money to the cancer society in their name. that makes sense to me. likewise, i wish money would go towards mental health services, and social support groups, to ending violence and education. i think that would have a broader impact, and would shed light on social problems, rather than feed into the notion that money is the answer.

kind of abrupt

it looks as though i'll be starting my mat leave early. probably in 3 weeks instead of 6. I'm glad about that, but it would've been nicer to finish my baker's dozen worth of years at bbd on a more positive note.

my mom is always referring to me as a planner. "you're a planner", she says with frequency. it irritates me because I think it's the wrong label. it also implies that one is either a planner or not a planner, and there are no other options. finally I said to her yesterday "I'm a doer! and to do stuff, I have to plan stuff". I like to do and experience things, and most of the time, life experiences don't just happen without taking some initiative. I'm not someone who enjoyed the planning more than the doing, but I understand that planning is a means to an end.

all that said, I have no plans or ideas of what I'd do with my whole month of august. the baby isn't due until september 2, and he might even arrive later than that. and on one hand that's fine, it will probably be a while before I have free time to relax and enjoy summer. it would give me some designated 'nesting' time, and the chance to get organized, and find all our newborn clothes (because I'm naturally disorganized and don't know where they are).

have a mentioned that eamon is pretty much potty trained? he still has accidents sometimes, but I'm sure they will become fewer and fewer in the days and weeks ahead. he even wakes up with a dry diaper every so often! :) I'm really glad. I was hoping to have him out of diapers by his 3rd birthday, or at least by the time the new baby is born.  

closer article

while we were away, Brendan bought a few Toronto star newspapers. I kind of like that he does that, because I would never think to sit down and read a newspapers. I like that he still enjoys that activity from a bygone era :)

while he was putting eamon to bed one night, he said to me "you should read that article, I think it would interest you". turns out it was a piece on a new book about female sexuality called "closer", that focuses particularly the female orgasm (it's weird that it's even called the female orgasm, actually, as though climaxing belongs to mean by default).

after giving it a read, I thought "I should share a link to this on my blog. I'm sure I must know some women who would find this informative and helpful". so here it is.

I found the bit about most women never talking to their mother's about sex very interesting. not surprisingly, the only info I got about sex was what I shouldn't do. my parents had a rule that my sister and I were not allowed to date until we were 16 (even as a kid I thought that was a dumb rule). both of us had our first boyfriend at 15, and this caused a lot of problems at home. strangely enough, my sister is enforcing the same rule with her kids (which doesn't make sense to me, you'd think she'd know that it doesn't work). since I wasn't allowed to have my boyfriend at 15, I just snuck behind my mom's back. not only did it make me into a sneaky liar, it meant that I had absolutely no adult guidance about having a healthy relationship or age-appropriate (read: readiness) sexual experiences. it ended up being a really bad, painful and damaging time in my life, that took a long time for me to recover from (since it impacted future relationships, and future relationships continued that damaging cycle).

anyway, if you're a lady, consider giving that article, and maybe even that book, a read! I do think the culture around female sexuality has changed in recent decades. I think a man's success as a lover is being evaluated by how attentive they are to their partner's needs, which didn't used to be the case. but we need more of that, and women need to know more about how they work :)

outlet

well... we're home from our week at the cottage. it was really great. it was nice to have a change of pace, and to be with eamon all the time. we made great strides with potty training, and he's using the potty almost exclusively. he doesn't like full sized toilets, so it's a bit of a risk when we go out, but if we're in a park or whatever, Brendan will take him to pee on a tree. unfortunately, he's twice tried to poop in our backyard :S

the cottage itself was nicer than the photos. they've done quite a lot of work to it, and the changes are really nice. it was very comfortable to hangout in, and it met all our needs.

the one downside was that the lake it was on (east lake) was not great for swimming. it would've been nice to have early morning swims or late afternoon/pre dinner swims, but it was very seaweedy, and eamon was extremely freaked out by it (blood-curdling screams). plus, the fish had obviously been fed by people, so they would swarm humans in search of food. one even tried to nibble my leg to see if I was food. after that I just referred to them as the jerks.

we pretty much did the whole county. the cottage came with use of a season pass to sandbanks, so we went there several times, and to the dunes. we went strawberry picking and to fifth town cheese. we did 3 hikes, and sent the afternoon on Canada day in picton.

I LOVED not having access to the internet. I've realized how much time it sucks. it feels like the equivalent of habitual channel surfing. it's not productive and it's time-sucking. so while at home, I'm only checking my facebook and email one a day and allowing myself about a half hour to an hour to get caught up. instead of jumping on my computer every time I remember something I need to do, I just write it down and do it during my designated internet time. I feel much better rested and like a more well and interesting person. PLUS, I've been doing a LOT of reading! I realized I haven't read a good book (one that really hooked me) since pre-ereader. so I've concluded, that with the exception of nursing (when having only one hand free for reading is necessary), I'm going to stick with real books because they seem to impact my reading experience. so moving forward, I want more books and less click-bait.

now that it's july, I only have 6 weeks left of work. I don't really know how I'm going to fill that time. I really hate the thought of killing time, because time is a pretty precious commodity, and it should be used well (or at least not burned).

the times they are a-changin' (still)

when it comes to public votes, sometimes I get excited about the outcome I didn't want. maybe excited isn't the right word. it's probably more curiosity.

both with the quebec and Scottish referendums, I wanted both to stay, but was curious about how things would unfold if they didn't. I have never witness the outcome of such a decision before, and wonder what would it look like.

even with trump, I SUPER don't want him to win, but there is part of me that is intrigued to see just how bad things would get (and maybe just how right, the anti-trump people are).

I think I would've voted to stay in, if I was a Briton. already, just hours after the announcement, there have been a chain of negative things (british pound at 31 year low, PM resigns, and trump is saying it's a good move). I'm pretty sure that Scotland is going to have a second referendum and leave the UK so it can rejoin the EU.

the world is changing. and not for the better. things are getting very unstable.

thankfully, I don't feel bleak for my sons. I don't feel concern or regret about the world they will grow up in. I dunno, maybe that's because I think things have been worse before, and people got through it (at least those who didn't die from starvation, war or genocide). it's a different world than it was 10 or 20 years ago for sure, and we don't really know how to navigate it or what trouble will find us. but i think this is where resilience is important. I often pray for resilience for them. my dad is one of the most resilient people I know (often to the frustration of my mom who has wanted to see him suffer and grovel because of their failed marriage). I hope they take after him in that way.

regarding the EU, it will be very interesting to say the least.

taboo

i would like to break the silence about pregnancy hemorrhoids. apparently they are VERY common, but i have NEVER heard ANYONE talk about them. sure, it's embarrassing, and very personal, but i'm in so much friggin pain and discomfort, that i've got to talk about it.

it's almost ridiculous how painful this is, and nothing is helping. it makes me almost sad.

i've read that they should just go away on their own after the baby is born, but i'm 30 weeks. i'm looking at 10+ weeks of butt pain.

this sucks.

otherwise my pregnancy is been going well and i don't have other complaints.

thank you for being a friend...

I'm in Montreal for work and in my hotel room watching golden girls. it makes me wish my mom lived with 3 old lady friends.

Sent from my iPod

choices we make

after an interaction with a very negative person today, i concluded something. it's not that life is too short to be negative, it's more that life is full of lots of crappy and terrible stuff, and i think it's worth looking for the positive whenever possible. AND to keep perspective. some of the stuff people complain about is not very important in the grand scheme of things.

i dunno. global news has been bleak this week. and i'm trying to stay positive and hopeful despite everything. the last thing i need is to hear someone complain about salad dressing.