nile

i feel like my work schedule is starting to get a little hairy. usually i can handle my workload quite well, at a comfortable pace. but i have A LOT to do right now and very little time left. i really want to see a number of things through to completion before my mat leave, but realistically, that won't happen. besides, there still needs to be some work for the new person to do. i'm starting to think i need to wrap up my volunteer work at KGH. while it doesn't interfere with my work life very much, i feel that work is going to take a lot out of me in the coming weeks and that won't leave me with much resolve left for my hospital visits. it's bittersweet i guess, but a change i've been anticipating, plus one that will probably be beneficial. i will miss bumping into melissa on kidd 9 each week.

another recent change was living room. last night we had our last group study/discussion. it was a really special time that i'm super grateful for. next week we're getting together for a cinco de mayo party followed by nacho libre. it should be fun.

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

watermelon(s)

well, i'm home now. the journey home was ok, i nearly missed my connecting flight to ktown, but the fact that i didn't (because they delayed it twice) made for a happy ending.

thankfully i was traveling with two colleagues who are both very experienced travelers (they travel many times a year with work), so i knew that if we missed our flight they would help show me what to do. for the chunk of time that i thought i'd miss the flight, i tried not to worry, knowing it would all work out somehow. that said, i really needed to be back in ktown this morning because we had our first interviews with potential candidates for my maternity cover. on my way into work i felt a little nervous. i'd never interviewed someone for a job before, and it's been almost 10 years since i myself was interviewed. so how it worked was that i was in the room, and emma was on speaker-phone. she asked general job interview questions and i asked graphic design specific questions. we've now interviewed two (and have one more on monday) with very similar levels of experience, but quite different personalities. part of me says "go with your gut", but another part of me feels that it's unprofessional of me to chose based on who i can more easily see myself enjoying a conversation with. BUT interpersonal relationships are a big part of work dynamics, AND i have to work closely with this person for the month of june. so maybe it's fair to pick based on instinct.

i finally got the chance to talk with frank about the applicants. i was actually kind of avoiding the subject since i know his wanted his son to apply (but i don't think he ever got around to it – which tells me something about his interest level). anyways, for the first 5 minutes of our conversation, as i filled him in on the latest developments, he looked a little like his heart had fallen and he was trying to set aside his feels of disappointment as we talked. he asked if he could read over the resumes, and came back about 15 minutes later significantly more upbeat. right away he told me "i think your instincts are right on" and was super positive about the candidate that i'm leaning towards. that was pretty affirming, especially since i'd already concluded that i thought they'd get along quite well. where with the other one, i can't see them connecting at all.

this whole thing is really quite interesting. it's surprising the broad scope of new experiences that come with having a baby. i suppose it's never just the baby.

we should shine a light on,

a light on.

mist

hoo, i just signed little so-and-so up for daycare. i got him on the waiting list at 4 different places, but i really want him to go to 'something special', which is just around the corner from us, and his cousin audrey goes there. i actually got him on the waiting list at SS back in january, but the city has introduced this new centralized daycare registration program, so i got an email from SS saying i had to register again via that site and they'll update my wait-list date to reflect the january date. since i was already at it, i threw in 'frontenac club', because i know skye used to go there and bren speaks highly of them, and the 'YMCA' because that's where caleb, liam and now erin went/go. it's right up the street from my dad's apartment. and 'gently rocking horse', which i think is the queen's daycare and it seems to be reputable. i haven't ruled out the possibility of home care with someone we know, we just don't need to arrange that way in advance. it's funny because back when i worked at a daycare (the same daycare that b went to), i always felt sorry for the daycare children. but brendan has really positive memories of his time in daycare, and it's shown me that even though it's different to what i experienced with a stay-at-home mom, it's a good option. and the kids turn out perfectly well adjusted. besides, i'm pretty sure that brendan built his super strong immune system during his years in daycare.

well! i was not expecting to write all about that!

my work in arizona is pretty much all wrapped up now and i fly home tomorrow. it's been a positive experience and i think i surprised myself. i've been enjoying spending my spare time at the pool and watching tv. i've started to get a nice tan, which i'm sure will fade almost instantly.

i've been thinking about birth and science fiction's depiction of the future. it seems both are greatly impacted by film and television. the keynote speaker at this event the other day, pointed out that in the 1940s and 1950s, the future was always depicted as a utopian society, and now a days it's always shown as a dystopian. his theory is that a healthy, peaceful and harmonious future makes for a boring plot, and blames the need to 'make things interesting' in film for a very bleak representation of the future. i think the same is true about birth, and i've heard this many times before - that movies and tv always make birth seem frantic, rapid and dangerous with women begging for pain killers. it's interesting to me that scientists, similarly to midwives and other birth attendants, are frustrated by this negative reality being shaped by entertainers.

hm! weird, the music playing in the lobby is dido! how bizarre! i haven't heard her in a decade! on that note, i'll conclude with this....

i won't go
i won't sleep
i can't breathe
until you're resting here with me.

22

i was halfway finished writing an entry on my ipod when i accidentally
hit 'paste' and everything i'd written was gone with no option to undo
:S so now i'm on a hotel computer.

basically, i'd talked about the two stingy airlines i'd flown here
with (one not serving food, and the other charging 8 bucks for
in-flight entertainment AND charging for food - i really hate united
airlines - i had a sprite and a december 2012 magazine to get me
through a 4 hour flight). and i talked about how going to american
customs in toronto almost made me miss my plane and i had to run
through the airport to get to my gate in time for them to make their
final boarding call. as i boarded the plane i got a little teary-eyed
because i know there were others behind me still stuck in security and
i was grateful that have made it. other than that, it was an
uneventful trip.

my hotel is in mesa, which is part of the greater phoenix area. it
seems that there's nothing to do around here - no museums or
restaurants. i'll probably just eat at the hotel restaurant for all my
meals. this morning i had the breakfast buffet, tomorrow, i think i'll
have waffles!

i spent time swimming and 'sun tanning' by the pool. that's probably
how i'll spend my time since it's pretty relaxing. when i say 'sun
tanning' i mean, sitting in the warm sun reading with sunscreen on. it
felt a little funny being in my bikini with my pregnancy belly. i'm
pretty sure everything just thought i had an oddly shaped body. i kept
patting my tummy because that seems to be the universal "i'm pregnant"
symbol.

one thing i've noticed (or at least it's my interpretation) about
traveling pregnant is that people look at me kind of judgmentally or
with pity. it's like they're wondering where the father of my baby is.
i'm sure not one of them have considered the possibility that i'm
happily married and traveling on business. shesh!

i suppose it doesn't sound like i'm working much. but the exhibition
starts this evening, and this afternoon i'm 'supervising' the
assembling of exhibition booth. they don't need me to stand around
watching, so i pop in from time to time to see if they have any
questions. i think i'll head back over there soon.

it's much easier writing on a computer rather than an ipod. i'll do
this again tomorrow.

protein

i'm leaving for phoenix today. i got to have yesterday off in lieu of traveling on the weekend, which was nice. brendan had the afternoon off, so we went to the lone star for lunch and enjoyed hanging out in the afternoon. we needed that time together, he's been working a lot on weekends lately, so i haven't had much time with him.

i think i'm ready for my trip. everything is packed, and i just want to put away the laundry that has been on the racks since last saturday :S i had a weird experience this morning. out of the blue i felt kind of sick to my stomach and suddenly threw up my breakfast. i felt ok again afterwards, although i was all hot and sweaty. very strange. i think it was probably my prenatal vitamins, but i took them with food, so that's really weird. i hope that was an isolated incident.

last night, shannon, andrew, brendan and i all went over to scarlete and sachil's place for a bollywood film night. it was a good movie, although very long. it was 3.25 hours! it was really fun! they borrowed a projector and set their couches up in rows. very cool :)

so if someone can see me now, let them see you.

express

i keep seeing flocks of wild turkeys on my way to and from millhaven lately. it's quite amusing. they're huge and brown. when i really think about it, i realize that i've never really seen a turkey in real life before, so seeing wild turkeys during my regular routine is rather remarkable.

last night i visited a 95 year old man at the hospital. he was surprisingly agile.

in the past few weeks, i've been hearing about recent grads who are actually getting jobs in their fields. it's so encouraging! first b, then jill, and now mj. like seriously, i've never heard of this before, what a nice change! in fact, these three people haven't even had their graduation yet. actually, joy had her first teaching job before her convocation, and i thought that was unique, but i guess sometimes it does happen!

i've been thinking about hair styles lately. i recall a conversation with rach about how women often cut their hair after they have a baby. rachel's theory is that they're subconsciously exercising their ability to control something in a time when almost everything is outside of their control. that makes good sense to me. when i was an angsty teenager, i would frequently want to change my hair or shave my head or dye it, and it's quite likely that i was because conflicted by external factors. i'm surprised that i'm already toying with the idea of changing my hair in preparation of this life change. i think there's a few reasons:

1) i want something light and practical. when i was 10 years old, my best friend's mom had a baby. he was unplanned, but ended up being a delight. his name was eddie and i really bonded with him. after his parents names, my name was the first he learned to say :) before eddie, i'd never really been around a baby, and i learned a lot about what babies are like. haha, i'm just realizing that it was a really really long time before i held him for the first time, but afterwards i found i enjoyed it and i held him a lot. it's funny how that hasn't really changed - my discomfort with holding unfamiliar babies. anyway... my point is, i remember eddie used to grab and hold on to my hair a lot, and i could understand why moms usually had short hair. now, i'm not thinking about cutting it SHORT, but just shorter. the question i have is will having shoulder length hair be easier to deal with, or will it always fall in my eyes or be too short to pull back into a ponytail?

2) i'd kinda like a new cut to go with my new beginning. the last time i had shorter hair and was growing it out, i really didn't like the awkward just-past-my-collar-bone length. i find it very unappealing. all this said, i feel that i've learned quite a bit about styling my hair since the last time it was shorter, and i feel confident that i could make it more interesting this time around.

thoughts?

oh... further to my last entry...
i read in 'birthing from within' that weight gaining restrictions were created in the 1800s when rickets was common. they found that by keeping the baby small, it would increase the infant survival rate during the birth process. while rickets is pretty much non-existant now, they haven't changed the policy on pregnancy weight gain. being able to put this in context is helpful. and i appreciated marlene and rachel's encouragement, which helped put things in perspective. i think as long as i'm exercising and eating well, i'm not going to worry about specific pounds.

you were in my arms, but you were out of reach

vote

i bought some new shoes on saturday. they were my special tax return treat. as i considered this purchase, i realized that i often buy shoes with my tax return - my rubber boots, my hi-tops, and now my keens. i've been eyeing keens for quite some time. they're a good quality casual lace-up shoe that can still be worn to work. i really dithered back and forth about this decision. i have a number of mediocre shoes already - lower quality, very casual, wear on occasion shoes, but nothing as versatile as a keen-type of shoe. in this in between type of weather, boots are too much, but sandals are quite enough. so i made the decision to proceed. it's been a while since i got new footwear that is neither a boot or a sandal. i think the last proper shoe i bought were my merrells in 2009, which are such high quality that they don't need to be broken in. i recall being told "if your merrells are hurting your feet, something is wrong". all this to say... i'd totally forgotten the discomfort of new shoes. i really like them, but my left foot is killing me. today, when i took off my shoe to apply a bandaid to my ankle, i noticed that the inside of the heel had a little blood mark (and when i say little, i mean the size of a dime). the funny thing is that i don't recall seeing blood on my sock at any point, so i don't know if this happened recently or a few days ago. all this said, i'm optimistic that my foot will soon adapt to it's new shoe environment. i'm slightly amused by this because i can see brendan's influence. every summer he wears his sandals through the bleeding until his foot makes fresh calluses. it's gross and painful to watch, but i have a new appreciation for the logic.

i'm going to phoenix this saturday on a business trip. there's tradeshow and i'm responsible for the exhibition booth. i've been watching the weather and it seems to be in the mid-30s with a low of mid-20s. i've never experienced a dry heat before, so that should be very interesting. for some reason, traveling within the continent sans b feels less difficult. i found it really hard being in berlin without him, but phoenix is closer and they speak english. i'm hoping to visit some museums in my free time and use the outdoor pool!

after my last midwife appointment, i knew that i've been gaining too much weight. but today, i read on my ipregnant app that "by now, you should have gained 11 pounds" :S i've gained closer to 30. in my defense, i gain weight quite easily. however... i haven't been watching my intake very closely and i didn't exercise much over the winter months. i'm hoping that now that its spring and i've started walking every day again, and i'm more mindful of my intake, that my weight gain will plateau as baby's weight increases. he's now the size of a head of cauliflower!

the good old days, the honest man;
the restless heart, the promised land.

parasailing

my belly button is slowly disappearing.

lately i've been thinking a lot about my friend david (ferrence) who died this past fall. i still miss him a lot. part of me feels like if i got to see him and tell him how much i miss him than i wouldn't miss him so much. sometimes when i drive home, past the nunnery, i see people walking on the sidewalk and i half expect to see him walking there in his blue shorts and gray t-shirt. then i'd honk at him and he'd wave back.  oh well. frank told me after david died that he thought david knew how much i enjoyed his company. that helps. i guess that's the second best thing to getting to say goodbye.

speaking of nunneries... i've been enjoying mother teresea's book. i've been thinking a little more about catholicism. for some reason i feel that if someone sees that book on my desk and mistakes me for a catholic i'd be ok with that. people seem more comfortable with catholics than they do with evangelicals (i realize that when i say 'people', i might just mean me, i can't speak for everyone). i suspect its because they generally do their own thing and don't hassle others to join the faith. i've never known someone to feel defensive, threatened or get their back up around a catholic.

you always were, always will be, a friend of mine.

down

brendan and i had our first prenatal class tonight. i was very pleased to discover that brendan knew one of the girls – she'd the daughter of one of nancy's best friends – and i've heard a lot about her. it turns out they also know my dad. her husband's grandpa is a good friend of his, and they all know each other through queen's football. pretty neat! i was hoping to make some other mom friends through the class, so i'm pleased to already have one in the making.

we ended up choosing a class with childbirth kingston. there were a lot to choose from, but as the instructor mentioned tonight, birth and parenting is full of decision making, so i guess i need to get used to it. i'm happy with what we chose. they meet in the basement of the midwives clinic and it's just a block away from here. the instructor is actually a retired midwife and there were a good number of other participants who are using midwives. it was an interesting mix of people and everyone seemed quite nice. at one point we split into men and women's groups to brainstorm different pregnancy discomforts, and afterwards brendan and i swapped notes on the tone of each group. it seems the some of the guys felt a lot of obligation to complain about their old ladies, and many of the women seemed to delight in naming all their discomforts as though it was a way of fitting in. i think both are cultural behaviours and not reflections on the character of the people. it's just something i'm aware of because i don't want to be an overly enthusiastic complainer. from the list that we created of pregnancy discomforts, i'm grateful to say i've only experienced 1/3 of them, and in general i feel that i've been having a good pregnancy.

we have a little bit of homework to work through before next week. it's mostly just exploring our attitudes around different aspects of birth to uncover fear. reading over the sheet i felt pretty comfortable and i was reminded that it's very empowering to be familiar and informed about pregnancy and birth in advance. i'm especially grateful to have been at two births, it really demystifies the whole experience.

i was hoping that one day you'd be next to me or at least somewhere near.

lined paper

i drove past st lawrence college yesterday on my way to my volunteer shift at KGH. the sign was advertising a conversational french class. i'm really bad at languages, and had a pretty negative experience learning french growing up. but for some reason seeing a sign for 'conversational' french seemed much less daunting and i started daydreaming about taking that class. its obviously not something i'd have time to do in the near future, but maybe something to try out in a few years. from time to time i get inspired to do something i never thought would be an activity i'd try out. i find it very exciting, it's like cracking something open that is crackable and things come out. an egg? a pinata? this analogy is going nowhere...

on every other wednesday, we do something called "together tuesdays" with andrew and shannon to share a meal together. it's exactly as it sounds, only it happens on a wednesday.

it's funny to me that when people mention new aerospace contracts awarded to BBD that i really couldn't care less. i'm not meaning to be rude in my disinterest, but aerospace is like having an older, overachieving, more glamourous sibling who steals the spotlight even though your own achievements are worthwhile and have merit. besides sharing parents and a name, we have no other connection. i'm not complaining, it's cool to be part of a company who makes national and international headlines, but this won't impact my division at all, other than the fact that our share price will go up a little.

my sinus condition is drastically improving. i'm super thankful. i still need a breathe right strip at night, but during the day i feel pretty normal. i could even breathe through my nose when i did yoga yesterday.

whenever something's free, usually then you're not.

chortle

our kitties have developed odd litter box practices - mostly they're not using it, in favour of the floor space just outside the box. we have no idea why this is happening, but most likely they're not just peeing where they now smell a pee scent. needless to say, we're super annoyed at them and have revoked their basement privileges. they usually access the basement through a cat door, but thankfully the door comes with a lock. we've moved the litter box back up into the bathroom so we can hopefully retrain them on their litter box etiquette. both of them spent the night scratching at their basement door trying to get it to open. they're pretty mad about it, and honey was giving us the cold shoulder this morning.

so it turns out i need to have another ultrasound because in the last one my placenta was too close to my cervix. usually when a placenta is low, it moves higher as the uterus grows, but if it doesn't, it can cause complications and risks on the big day. i've kind of gone back and forth on this - feeling concerned and feeling peaceful. right now i feel peaceful. i was reading about it recently and came across roughly 10 causes for this condition, and i didn't fit ANY of the risk factors (substance use, age, previous pregnancies, etc). which gives me hope that my placenta is normal and that my last ultrasound is outdated. having to consider this though, gave me the chance to consider my feelings about this birth. i've always known my preferences and simply hadn't given much thought to the alternative (how would i feel if my preferences weren't an option). i've concluded that it's very important to me to push this baby out myself. birth is something i want to accomplish rather than be something done to me. accomplishing things is very valuable to sense of endurance. i feel greatly empowered by enduring and completing things - especially hard things, and i know birth will equip me for the challenge of life with a newborn.

it was kind of a funny weekend. saturday i found myself feeling surprisingly at loose ends and kind of lonely. i knew i felt bored and restless while brendan was busy with his own things, and i wasn't able to identify that i felt lonely so i was just crabby. then sunday was very full, so full that there were two functions that we had to skip completely because we had other commitments. in a lot of ways, those two days couldn't have been more different.

i used to tango
but that, that was then.

amp

this year for lent brendan and i gave up eating red meat. i gave up eating meat back in 2009, but i found this time much harder. last time i felt content not eating meat and felt i could've gone on much longer. this time, i was eagerly anticipating the end of lent. we found it particularly difficult in greece finding food we could eat. it's nice having fewer restrictions. yesterday as i walked home from my volunteer shift at KGH, i was tempted to stop at a hot dog stand, until i remembered that hot dogs is a pregnancy ban, not a lent ban. i'll have to wait a while yet til i can have a hot dog and a beer.

i like that leif vollebekk talks about trains, riding trains, and train stations in at least 3 songs on his latest album :)

yesterday i received two packages in the mail. the first was mother teresa's memoir called 'come be my light'. i suppose it's not ACTUALLY a memoir, but rather a compilation of her personal writings, but it feels more memoir-y than a biography. mother teresa has always been a very interesting woman to me and i'm keen to learn more about her. especially after b told me, that day we walked the paths at meteora, that people were astonished after she died to discover that she'd struggled with doubt her whole life. that just makes her more real to me.

the other package i received was a prenatal yoga dvd. i've tried a few different ones online, but found them hard to get into, but i can see now that part of that was my fault. i don't think i took them seriously enough. with this new dvd, i was able to play it on the tv, which gave me more room for my yoga practice. i watched it through once while i ate dinner (b was at work), so that i was familiar with the positions and would be less distracted. then i put on proper yoga clothes (the first time i tried yoga at home, i just wore jeans, which doesn't work) and turned off the lights. i had a really nice time! i think the intensity of yoga on the dvd is perfect for me. i'm not a new yogi, but i'm kind of a lazy yogi. i like the positions that are comfortable and relaxing more than the positions that challenge me and strain my body. the only difficulty i had was that i'm still so congested that it was super hard to do proper breathing techniques. i read today that this kind of sinus congestion is very common in pregnancy, and i'm losing hope that it will go away before july. but i have a midwife appointment tomorrow, so i'll ask heather about it then.

by 9:50 last night i was super tired and my legs were all jerky, so i headed to bed. i don't even remember when brendan joined me. apparently i was talking in my sleep about sandwiches. hahahaha. i really do have an obsession with sandwiches.

she leaned into talk and leaned in to listen.

vitamin c

i've found this easter weekend particularly reviving. walking the labyrinth on friday night, revealed wounds and new paths. it's kind of a shame that we have to wait a whole year before next easter.

the sunrise service by the water was once again beautiful, and the sun arrived right on time. it surprises us every year that it doesn't fail to come up.

my whole family is sick, so they ended up cancelling our easter gathering. this left us with a pot of 12 potatoes and no other food in the house. so brendan invited the cardiffs for a mashed potato lunch where we sat around talking about family dynamics, prison, weddings and the new pope. they in turn invited us to their place for their easter dinner. it turned into a cardiff-lorimer marathon hangout, which was really fun.

shannon, who was feeling nostalgic about her catholic roots, wanted to go to evening mass, so we all went along. i'd never been to a catholic mass before, nor have i ever been in st. mary's cathedral, so it was very interesting and felt somewhat elicit (no doubt my evangelical parents would frown on this with deep disapproval). i don't know if i'd like it all the time, but it was a neat experience and i'd go again. the four of us crammed into a tiny pew (shanno, then b, then andrew, then me) and tried our best to follow along. i'm pretty sure we exposed ourselves as outsiders since we sang with more gusto than the other congregants, but didn't know when to cross ourselves, kneel, etc., AND we just sat there squished together when the faithful went up for communion. my least favourite part was having to breathe in all that strong incense (it made it hard to breathe) and my favourite part was when the priest went around and splashed us all with holy water as a reminder of our baptism. in the baptist tradition i grew up with, you did it once and that was it. i like the idea that it's something to be reminded of regularly. andrew and i were both excited when we felt the drip of water hit us. thankfully i only got the giggles once when i was trying to sing a song i didn't know and kept messing up the words. many of the rituals were mysterious to me, and i was curious about what was going to happen next. when the homily began, i expected to be bored, but i wasn't at all. it was a good little message and i liked how he talked about what pope francis was up to cleaning the feet of the muslim girls on good friday. i'd never really considered how global catholicism is compared to protestantism, which has no central leader or central location. no doubt if i'd grown up with that tradition i wouldn't have found it as engaging. it's interesting to me that my mom moonlights as a pentecostal because it's the exact opposite of what she grew up with, and i could easily be lured into moonlighting as a catholic because it's the opposite of what i grew up with. just goes to show that people are drawn to the unfamiliar.

after mass, we stopped at shoppers so i could buy some candy. as brendan and i watched arrested development, i started to cough (i have this sinus infection and i couldn't breath properly), then threw up all over the floor. just as we finished cleaning it up, i found that i couldn't breath again and threw up once more. the second time it was worse and my foot was right in the centre of it. b handed me some paper towel to wipe my foot but i used to it blow my nose so i could breathe again. it was a crummy and bizarre way to wrap up the easter weekend.

picture's worth a thousand words, it explains why we don't talk.