unforeseen

poor ole jay is in the hospital! he was on the cover of the whig, and i found the article online. he's going to be ok. when i read the article i actually teared up. way to go jay!

i'm feeling pretty good. i got EVERYTHING done this evening. my mom came over and we did the last of the YFC newsletter. brenda came over and we finished hatch and the make brochure, then i interviewed her for the standard, so i got that done too. i'm quite relieved and ready for my vacation. i'm SO excited.

on top of that, my kitchen is clean. bren did my dishes for me as i wrapped up the standard. that was such a wonderful and practical gift, and i really appreciate it. it's kind of humbling to accept such an offer. although, i did protest a lot, so i wasn't very humble about it. i just feel humbled now – in a good way.

rachel got me thinking. she mentioned that another indicator of whether you're introverted or extroverted is how you process things. so i thought about that (hint, hint) and concluded that i process everything internally, and then feel a need to share my thoughts with everyone (like right now for example). you won't find me talking about feelings or situations before i've got everything sorted out in my mind/heart. i'm quite reserved that way. and i usually write out my feelings in diaries or in emails as a means of figuring out how i'm feeling about something (so i guess there are a FEW people i'll talk to but mostly thru written word). so i guess this leaves me still quite in the middle. but that's ok, i don't like to be classified anyways :p

beauty attracts beauty.

dog strangling vine

i feel like i'm disintegrating. coming apart at the seams. i've taken on too much lately. therefore, much to my huge disappointment, i've decided to resign from doing the standard. which totally sucks because i really loved doing it, but i think it would be in my best interest to take a break from it for an undetermined length of time. i also feel really badly because i know we're short on people as it is. i've had a good run though. 3 years.

that's me to a tee though. i have difficulty saying 'no' to things because i don't want to put people in a difficult or sad situation. and honestly, it's not always because i want to, its more usually out of obligation. but i've decided to stop it. i need to learn to say no because right now i'm feeling physically sick because i'm so worn out. i should have seen this coming and taken preventative measures against it. but i didn't. i've concluded i need to learn to say no to people instead of displacing the blame, it's my fault i'm burnt out again. i can't just tell people not to invite me to stuff, i need to learn to say no.

he had the smallest elbows i've ever seen to my collection.

something really crazy happened at work yesterday. someone pooped on the floor of the ladies washroom!! it was SO DISGUSTING!! and i was so mad because this is a place of business, not some high school. we're all grown ups, and the perpetrator should have cleaned up after themselves. my goodness... (totally funny though, except i'm still a little bit too grossed out to laugh).

i heard about jay serdula on the cbc this morning. about his swim across lake ontario. it was funny to hear them quote him saying he was looking forward to getting a hot meal and some sleep. i was glad to hear he kept it kosher.

i baked myself a cake this evening as a reward. i don't bake much, and never a cake for no reason. it was just from a cake-mix. i put the icing on too soon and it melted, even though i waited a while, and the icing slid down to my table and made a mess. then the cake kind of fell apart when i tried to transfer it off the heat rack onto a plate. oh well, i'm still gonna eat it.

i could use a cuddle.

it's not going to stop
'til you wise up.

tribunal

when i heard his name i thought "who is that... he sounds familiar". after a really long delay i remembered who it was and i giggled inwardly. how could i forget HIM!?! oops.

melinda had to re-teach me how to do addition as we played yathzee tonight. i blame the champagne, but it's just as likely the result of over-use of the calculator. i have no need for basic math. but it's hard to say for sure, it's a chicken or egg kind of dilemma.

excuse me as i abandon all others and simply go crawl into bed.

if you want something, don't ask for nothing!

splecond

bob once told me that you can tell if you're an extrovert or an introvert by where you get your strength. whether you recharge in the company of others or thru alone-time. i honestly can't decide which does more for me. i've therefore concluded that it depends on many circumstances. but mostly... when i've had too much of one, i crave the other.

this has been an insanely busy weekend. i've spend oodles of time with lots of different lovely people. last night i even had an old-fashion sleep-over at melinda's house – it was like we were 14 again (except she wouldn't let me sleep in her bed with her). irina came over too and we made home-made pizza and talked about sex, drugs and rock'n' roll. or not. i'll let you decide. it was just like old times when we lived together at pirates cove.

i started reading "eat pray love" yesterday. the first line hooked me right away, how could i NOT love a book that starts with "i wished giovanni would kiss me" :) it's been an interesting read. i don't agree with her on all her beliefs, but that doesn't matter. it's got me thinking which is good. lately i've developed a real love for prayer. i look forward to praying because i'm suddenly aware of the fact that God hears me. that's opened up a whole new realm of possibility for me. i like how this book, and our discussion at next this morning, both falling in line with that fondness for prayer and they were all completely independent of each other. i like non-coincides.

good decisions reap good results.

all that you fashion
all that you make
all that you build
all that you break
all that you measure
all that you feel
all this you can leave behind.

sometimes a girl just needs to clean her home wearing nothing but her underclothes and ipod.

wide open mouths

this has been a whirl-wind of a week. i finish work at 4:30 to come home, turn on my computer and get cracking on MORE work (the YFC newsletter & hatch). some evenings not even bothering to get changed out of my work-clothes until bedtime. as a result the maxi-pad is a total mess, i haven't even unpacked from the camping trip. in spite of that, i've been quite pleased with myself because i've thrown both together in record time. i've been pushing myself so i have everything done before my vacation. i still have the MAKE brochure and the standard, plus changes to hatch and the newsletter. BUT i'm still ahead of my schedule. i'm a design MACHINE!!

i'll tell you a little something about me that you probably didn't know. before bed tonight, i'll probably open up hatch and look it over at least 3 or 4 more times. just looking. that's it, just to look at it. satisfaction doesn't even begin to describe how i feel about my work.

i want to have a conversation with you. about everything and nothing. to sit in silence or intense discussion. both would suffice.

i've been thinking today about this whole notion of excitement. anticipation. i'd have to say that waiting is one of the most grueling experiences i've endured. yup, most definitely. but there is some truth to the idea of anticipation being best part. when i think back on different events in my life, it was the preliminary enthusiasm about a trip, my job, my house, my car that was the most exciting. when i've finally acquired those things, i no longer felt enthusiasm. i was happy, most definitely. my life was changed. altered. but the emotions were definitely different. as much as waiting sucks, it has it good points. for example: before i got the mojomobile, but i was waiting for it, my gas was cheaper, my insurance was cheaper, and i had money because i hadn't yet paid my sister for it. i guess i concluded that i'll try to enjoy the enthusiasm of waiting – knowing that it doesn't last, but it's exhilarating while it does.

you think my life's a dream.
i dream my life away.

hackneyed

i decided to just skip over the whole weaning process and start the whole caffeine detox process right away. i've been doing pretty good too, i've been having 2 cups of decaf a day. i haven't had a headache since saturday, and today was the first day i was feeling stuffy as though a sinus headache was forming, but just didn't. i was talking to ferrence about it, and he though quiting caffeine was "a little excessive". he sees nothing wrong with having 4 cups of coffee a day. he used to drink 8. not that it's wrong, it's just not a good idea. sometimes the 5 generations between ferrence and i are more obvious than others times. he's retiring next week. there goes another work-friend. they're all dropping like flies! however, like a lot of the corporate mongers i'm surrounded by, he's coming back to work after the weekend he retires to consult.

i swear she uses the word 'neither' when it's supposed to be 'either'. but i can't prove it.

i just saw a white car drive pass my place slowly. i think it was you.

sometimes i think i wonder too much about the future and about how i'll look back on the present day. that probably comes more out of excitement than dissatisfaction.

i was only trying to be helpful and she was rather snooty. no wonder people are less inclined to be helpful these days, if they're received with less than enthusiasm. but whatever. i know i did good, and her rude manner will just be flushed from my brain the moment i finish this sentence – i'm ignoring inappropriate behaviour. it makes my life easier.

i've got a fire on the soles of my feet.

FASTA

it recently dawned on me, that when people says things i find insensitive, hurtful, offensive or i simply disagree with them... i can IGNORE them! i don't have to listen to them. i don't have to let their word bother me. it's really liberating to realize that everyone owns their own opinions and i live separate from them. i'm a separate entity and am also entitled to my own point of view.

i dug out some old photos of my parents today while looking for a picture for hatch. i looked thru them all before i took a deep breath and cracked open the last one – their wedding album. it's very bittersweet. although, more sweet than bitter. one thing i noticed for the first time (i haven't looked at that album in probably 15 years) was a clipping from a newspaper in the UK. when i see stuff like that i can't help but wonder what the hell happened. even though i was there, and i already know. regardless, it's beautiful. it's my prologue, and for that i'm very happy.

my mom's maid of honour married my dad's best man. they're divorced too.

sometimes i long for the small world of childhood, when i wasn't aware there was a whole other world out there (many actually) and all i could imagine was within the confines of my reality.

i've found the velvet sun that shines on me and you.

yup

sometimes i wonder why.

all the miles that we have put between us
have been filled with loving blisters since our truce.

************************************
full-length entry included ramblings about
guilt, design, detox, hair, the state of things,
lunch, and paul newman.

crepuscular

i had a really great weekend on the girls camping trip. one for the books (or the blogs as the case may be). i enjoyed relaxing and spending time in the company of such wonderful individuals. it was nice to be able to connect in new ways and with people i didn't know very well. i swear there's nothing like bonding in nature. however, any kind of bonding is pretty incredible. it's something i haven't been able to figure out or put my finger on what it is exactly, but it can't be forced and it can't be contrived. i'm looking forward to seeing everyone again.

one of my favourite parts about camping is being dirty. well, not exactly. it's more that fact that it doesn't matter if you're dirty, smelly or messy, because you're CAMPING! plus, everyone else is in the same state. it's lovely and kind of freeing.

i got a crazy burn on my back from being in my bikini, and for the first time i have a slight tan on my stomach! i'm no longer sheet-white on my torso. very lightly toasted is nice. this burn on my back is killing me though. that was very foolish of me.

some trip highlights were:
• swapping stories in the rain
• trips to the beach
• potluck dinner
• beaver presentation
• banana boats around the campfire

my eyes leaked tears of happiness as she told me her surprising news. the term "unknown pleasure" has taken on a completely new meaning for me. i have a renewed faith in miracles.

i'm covered in bugs.

vitamins

i realize i'm only going camping for the weekend, and yet it seems to be taking me the entire evening to get ready. what's the deal with that!?!?

i began attending my church youth group the september i entered grade 7. every year my youth group went camping labour day long-weekend. 7 consecutive years we went camping, it was a stomping ground where friendships were formed, along with countless crushes. our favourite site was always murphy's point provincial park. every other year we'd try a new place, but we always ended up going back to murphy's point. it's been 10 years since my last camping trip with them, and i haven't been since. until now. it's going to be different: the dynamics, the circumstances, the people. but the heart is the same, and i'm really looking forward to it. i always loved those camping trips. now that i realize it's been a decade, i'm kind of disappointed. it wasn't because of lack of desire.

i only had two teacups (so the equivalent of one mug) of tea today, and it didn't even bother me. i concluded that although my body is addicted to caffeine, psychologically i'm not. i drank water instead, and didn't even care! it's just kind of annoying because i'm having to deprive myself from a beverage i enjoy because of a substance in it i could care less about. it's not like quiting smoking or eliminating salt, i wasn't intentionally consuming caffeine. oh well, all the rationalization or justification in the world won't curb my withdrawl.

GET OFF THE INTERNET!

marmite

my doctor had to retire suddenly due to illness several months ago. i was a little worried because it's hard to get a doctor in this city, and also i felt badly for my doctor being sick. anyways, i managed to find a female doctor who's office is about a 10 minute walk from my place. i went today for a meet and greet appointment. it felt kind of pointless, but i thought i should have this preliminary appointment in case i need to have an actual appointment later. anyways, it was kind of weird because my medical history is very lite and then she asked me a series of questions, to which my answer to all of them was "no". i think she was rather shocked by my clean slate because she then said "you're 28?". i told her that i was probably going to be a very low maintenance patient, she strongly agreed and suggested checking my blood-pressure so that she'd done SOMETHING. she said it was perfect, 80 over 120. low maintenance.

thankfully i WAS able to tell her about my extra heart-beat. and as we discussed my heart palpitations she told me the solution was to cut out all caffeine. i didn't particularly like that idea at first, because i like the taste of orange pekoe tea, and i find it quite comforting. PLUS it's free at the coffee station. if i switch to decaf or herbal tea then i'll have to pay for it out of my own pocket. however, when i considered the caffeine headache i had the other night, i decided it was probably worth a shot. i think i'll try to wean myself slowly, having one cup a day, then go caffeine free as of august first. no, let's make it august second, since that's a saturday. it'll be a moratorium on caffeine.

if you always get up late you'll never be on time.

potty

if you saw a funky woman getting her groove on while delivering newspapers on ordinance street this evening – that was me. i hadn't delivered papers since 1993, but the feel of the newspapers lifting the mailbox lid was so familiar it was as though i did it every day. isaac's in newfoundland so i did his route for him. a man at the very first house i delivered to yelled at me, but other than that it was smooth sailing. i found it rather ironic seeing as i'm a big advocate against getting crappy free newspapers, but i suppose we all have our price-tags. or friends in need of a favour.

i'm getting super psyched about the girls camping trip this weekend. every things coming together nicely.

i identified today that i often feel a form of energy coursing thru my body. that energy is panic or urgency, like there's something else i need to/should be doing. i hate it. i'm going to try to learn to expel it from my being. the only time i don't feel that way is when i'm on vacation. it's the only time that i don't feel pressure like that i should be calling so-and-so, or doing such-and-such. one year when i was at fair havens with my family, i slept for the first 3 days straight because i was so exhausted. this year i'm not going away, i'm staying home. but i still need time away from people, to have the freedom i need to sleep, vegge, and relax without guilt. so let me warn you now, you will not be able to contact me during my week of holiday. just pretend as though i've left town – i'm away. but that's not until the first week of august, so you have plenty of time before i'm indisposed.

seems like every chance i take
brings me ever closer to being far away.

key

this i know...
this i know.

let me be me,
and i will let you be you.

i like the sound of the wind-chimes
outside my bedroom window.
and the way my hair falls
loosely over my shoulder.

we are going our separate ways.
they will bring us closer together.

i am a nun now, i have never been so pure.

radio

time is something i just don't grasp. it's a bizarre concept. the thing that baffles me the most is that everything takes time. no other part of the day am i as keenly aware of this is in the morning when i'm getting ready for work. every second counts. usually because i waste large amounts of time picking at my face or plucking my eyebrows, and the next thing i know 15 minutes have past. sometimes i wish time would just sit still as i lie collapsed on my futon love seat – face plowed into the cushion with my bum in the air. but the seconds keep passing.

today i witnessed a domestic dispute on the sidewalk across from my house. i tried to pretend that i was still reading, but i was really smirking and eavesdropping. as he yelled at her that they weren't "dating no more" and she tried to calm him by reaching out to his shirtless body, i wanted to call out to them "you know.... you two are clearly wrong for each other, and it would be best if you just let him go". i believe in the sanctity of marriage. i find it completely devastating when i hear of married couples splitting up. i wonder if in this day and age people don't respect marriage, or perhaps don't fully grasp it's entirety. or maybe they put MARRIAGE itself up on a pedestal so highly that they like the idea of being married more than the person they're marrying. i wonder if people are just blind to the reality of they're relationship and think things will get better after they're married. maybe they're like the couple on york street today, and don't realize that fighting is not healthy, everyone has disagreements, but full-on fights on a regular basis is bad. i wish this culture didn't glorify the tradition of marriage so much, but instead respected the union. and that more people would use a stricter screening method. i'm pretty sure the divorce rate would drastically diminish if there wasn't so much social pressure, it feels as though it's more acceptable to be divorce than it is to be "single – never married". i wish sometimes people would throw yay!-you-DIDN'T-marry-the-wrong-man showers, because that's a pretty awesome and worthy of celebration.

i'm happy to say i've almost recovered from my buyers guilt.

that's alright, i just watch i don't go inside.

sporran

i've been inhaling books lately. i'm not a fast reader, so i'm always surprised when i finish a book in a matter of days. i've just been absorbing everything i get my hands on for the last few months. it's good, i'm enjoying it.

i have a crazy caffeine headache right now. it's annoying because it's self-inflicted. i only had one cup of tea today and that was at noon. now it's after midnight and i don't want to drink tea because it'll keep me awake. so it seems i'll have to just suffer.

i'm pretty sure i'm always different than what people expect when they first meet me. not everyone, just some people. it feels like i fall short of their expectations, but then they get to know me better and i'm much more complex and interesting then they assumed. i dunno if that's good or bad. it feels annoying.

every time they look at us, we'll blow their mind.

jump

sometimes i just need a reality check to bring myself back down to earth. to make contact with the known world, and be reminded that i'm on the right track.

i'm so relieved. i feel like everything has become clear in my mind in a way i've never felt before. i honestly think feeling good about something is a good sign. and having a bad feeling about something is a clear indication. peace of mind is a powerful thing. i will heed those warnings, i will sit up and take notice.

i'm becoming a tiny bit obsessed with painting my nails. which is bizarre, because before baffin i hadn't painted my fingernails in about 10 years! the weird thing is that i also kind of hate it. i see my fingers and find them creepy. and yet i'm compelled. i'm gonna need more colours.

i provide too much damage control. i'm so overly careful that i try putting out the fire before it gets started. that's illogical.

some day. this day.

i used a nail file on my tooth today, to help smooth out my filling. it KIND OF worked.

down beneath the impossible pain of our history.

nocturnal

have you ever felt burdened about something where your heart needs to talk to one specific person, then you remember that person is gone or no longer exists? it sucks. i got lambasted by something today, and my heart feels homesick for someone i can't remember and i'm not even sure if they even exist. it's like i have amnesia.

i don't need someone telling me how crappy i am all the time. i already know. take my advise people: don't try to be friends with your ex-boyfriends.

i concluded today i have a very low pain threshold for difficult things. i think that's normal. what bothers me about it is that we sometimes HAVE to endure difficult things, but as a whole, i can usually weasel my way out of them. i'm an independent adult with no strings attached. if i don't like something, i can just walk away. i don't have to stay or work thru tough spots. when i had housemates we'd have our regular tiffs, then had to learn to compromise or whatever. i don't have to compromise anymore. i can get my own way most of the time because it's just me. so difficult things are made that much more difficult because i'm not accustomed to having to endure them. work is the only place i have to do stuff i don't like. sometimes i'm faced with a challenge and inwardly i cringe because i don't know how to do such-and-such. BUT i figure it out and when i'm done i'm relieved and more confident. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do most of the time it seems. but i mustn't fret, that i know for sure.

i went down to the buskers this evening and met up with shannon and her parents. there was some neat acts. the first couple were pretty impressive, they did these awesome acrobatics, and finished with her standing on top of his head (first she was on his shoulders, then she moved both her feet to his head. it was crazy!).

i've decided to be more apathetic. i know that's totally weird, but there's actually some good logic behind it. ask me more about it next time i see you :)

is there anything i can do
about anything at all?

insofar

i am very excited. i finally got my diva cup to work and i think it's fantastic. if you are a woman, i strongly advise clicking here and learning more about this alternative. if you are a man, i strongly advise you don't click the link. you'd most likely regret it, so just trust me.

i think i've mentioned before that i'm organizing a girls camping trip for next weekend. i've been rather discouraged about it since a lot of the keen participants aren't able to make it. today i was downright stressed out about it. but i don't want to be anxious about anything, because life has a way of working itself out regardless of whether or not we worry. so i tried to be as proactive about it as i could. i emailed a group of people to get the ball rolling, and since then i've been feeling much better. ah *sigh* :) i've got a lot more committed people now and lots of people who have camping gear, so i'm not as worried. plus, it's nice that i'm organizing for a group of adults, they all generally know what's needed, plan accordingly. i wish i'd realized that before today.

when i was at the dentist yesterday they mentioned i've been grinding my teeth, something i discovered back in march when i was up north. i'd mentioned to beckie that my teeth hurt all the time, they felt like they were going to fall out! she asked me if i'd been clenching my teeth and i said no. the next morning i woke to find my jaw clenched so tightly you wouldn't been able to pry it open. since then i've been sleeping with my tongue between my top and bottom teeth to alert me to my teeth grinding. i asked the dentist lady why i would've started doing that, she said it's either genetic or stress related. i mentioned it to my mom and it turns out both she and my grandpa both do it too... due to stress. so apparently it's both. i believe that, i haven't been coping with anxiety very well, but i feel like i'm doing a tiny bit better. or maybe my pms gone.

it makes me feel so fine i can't control my brain.

flies

i got my last four cavities filled today. i swear my face was frozen to my eyebrows. it was awful. at one point i got all freaked out that i couldn't swallow and started gagging. thankfully i was able to calm myself – mind over matter. having my cavities filled is like getting a renovation in my mouth. i slide my tongue along the surface of my teeth getting to know their new grooves and think "so! this is my new mouth".

i'm a compulsive responder to emails. if i don't respond to an email, it usually required a lot of effort not to. although, there are the times that if i receive an email before going out or turning off my computer, then i just forget to respond all together. but one thing is for certain, if i didn't forget i would've responded. i bet i could keep an email conversation going for eternity. sometimes i'm afraid i will.

i love halter top season.

i've decided to work more consciously on my posture. i liked how michel walks with such an upright spine, it was noteworthy. it's inspired me. part of me is hesitant because walking with your back straight and chest out is weird. but the longer i do it the confident i feel because i appear confident. plus, it's more comfortable.

what's up with the word 'smog'? it must be a relatively new word, right? i wonder how they came up with it. i wonder if it's an acronym, or a combo of the words 'smoke" and "fog". because it's kind of a smoky fog. kind of.

though your hands were little, they always gave a lot.

cusp

today was better. it started "meh", but it improved dramatically thru-out the course of the day. i got my three things accomplished. just taking it one day at a time. i'm working it out. kneading it thru. only taking on as much as i have to.

sometimes it's easy to loose touch with yourself. somehow i'm feeling reconnected.

they launched our new website at work today. you should check it out. it was my reason for my business trip to montreal, for web-training. no, i didn't design the website, but i'll be doing updating for my division, and i do a lot of photo editing for the site. www.bombardier.com.

i finally caved and dug out my fan for the summer. i love the sound it makes and the sensation of it passing over my skin. the koe-koe seems to really dig it too.

the rhythms of a landscape that is breathing.

prose

it's been a rough day. i woke with knots in my stomach, and they stayed until i decided i should take a nap so that i could have a second start to today.

knots in my stomach have been a common occurrence for as long as i can remember. several times in the past it indicated a hidden anxiety that i hadn't yet identified. knowing that got me even more upset. as i made small-talk over lunch, i noticed a few key topics that caused the knots to tighten and wash over me like flash-floods.

bren asked me the other night if i'm an anxious person. i'd never thought of it before. i asked her what she thought, but she cleverly directed it back to me. it was hard for me to answer, because in a few recent crisis's i've handled things with calm composure. but perhaps those are isolated instances, and in fact i'm on a whole rather anxious.

for me anxiety and control go very much hand-in-hand. i like to be in control of my own life. i want to be the author of my own story, and when my plans get thwarted it does not go over very well at all. in terms of other people, i don't really care. same with outside circumstances – they're not my problem, they write they're own stories. so let me just say (perhaps for the record) i like to be in control of me. and when i don't get my own way, i get upset and anxious. i'm quite up for detours, but only of the good kind variety. when i think of my future and the possibility of bad events/undesirable outcomes littering my path way, i become filled with anxiety. then the anxiety drives me. i try to do everything within my ability to stop those hypothetical tragedies from making me hypothetically miserable. as a whole, right now, i'm not miserable. but i let the potential for rain tomorrow ruin my sunny day right today (and in some cases... yesterday).

the question is, how do i undo a life-time of paranoia? how do i kick the habit of preemptive sorrow? part of me thinks "easy! give me what i want!". ok, so thinking of right now... this season of my life, i want: peace of mind, a restful heart, joy in spirit, room to breathe, and an open attitude.

today one of my silly daydreams came true. only half, but in some ways it was better than i'd imagined.

it's all those little things that i fear.

taboo

melissa and i had success at the library today. no one can ever accuse me of not giving something a second shot. it didn't have the main book i was looking for, but it did have a book of poetry by sylvia plath that i've been wanting to read. i've never read a book of poetry before (except for that jewel book with melinda on barrie street). as melissa and i walked down bagot street i read aloud to her, she giggled as she protected me from on-coming traffic.

we are here. they are there. i wonder if ever both shall meet.

if for some reason i am tardy,
it's cause i went out last night to party.

boldly

i gave myself a hobos manicure as i watched "bridge to terebithia" with the lovells. i'd never seen it before, and knew nothing of the plot. soon into the story the character "leslie" was introduced. this immediately caught my attention because it's my name, but also because they were pronouncing it as "lezlie" which REALLY irritates me. a close second to that is having my name spelled "leslie". i especially hate it in emails where my name is clearly spelled "lesley" in the email address. it makes me want to vomit. anyways, i then noticed the other main character's name was jesse, and it reminded me of when i was a kid and my best friend's name was jess(ica). once i pieced that together i realized i'd read that book! the details were completely fuzzy, but i knew how it ended. it's amazed me that i didn't remember reading it, that makes me wonder what else i've forgotten. since starting pspd i've enjoyed having my life archived online (although, most of the significant details are usually omitted). i've often wondered about "someday" when i no longer have a blog. i'm sure that day will come eventually. i wonder when it'll be. i think of myself as an old lady reflecting on this period in my life, i know i'll remember it as a special time.

i think things are going to be ok now. i've called in the big guns, and he's going to take care of it.

i've decided that i can't buy any books until september. i'm going to be feeling the pinch of purchasing a new car for a couple months, so i just can't justify buying books. i decided i'd just have to go to the library – since everyone goes on about how great the library is. when i got there today after work i thought "hm, this is really neat! i could get used to this. it's nice". i was there merely minutes (i was still walking around looking for a computer that was on) when they announced that the library was closing in 5 minutes. hmph. since i didn't have time to lose i went and asked at the desk about the two books i wanted to sign out. the first book wasn't in, and the second one was nowhere to be found. argh! libraries suck. i like them in theory, but my love ends there.

stunts and five-year plans won't really take you far.

grass

i'm choosing to forget. no more will words bind me. that's so much easier said than done. but the very fact that i want to shed these chains is a start. i can cut them one by one.

i really like the idea of maximizing my name. i need to utilize it more frequently: restLESs, boundLESs, needLESs, fearLESs, tireLESs, wordLESs, fathomLESs. i'm so lucky to have such a name, i definitely need to exploit it more often. right now i'm penniLESs.

fella is just slang for fellow

brenda came over for visit tonight. i like brenda. she's so insightful. i like her insights too. she mentioned this evening how people grow and evolve. that somethings we passionately believe in right now, may be something we don't believe in later. and so on, and so forth. i'm just gonna think about today. what happens in a year, 3 years, 7 years is inconceivable and unalterable. in a way, living as to avoid regrets or embarrassment is kind of futile. pointLESs. i can't guard myself and i can't control anything. i have choices, but they are choices i make when i get there, and not before.

i didn't like looking at him. he was too attractive. it was distracting and possibly inappropriate. it made me conclude that there should be no attractive men. well, there can be one, but just for me.

here's a lovely quote from my book: "tom, in life a person mustn't get everything at once, because then you can't appreciate it".

i'm glad you're back. i've missed you in the hole.

let me be the one you're running to.

poetry

too much freedom is a bad thing.

i'm exhausted by the countless possibilities around me. i'm the kind of person who likes to make the most of my opportunities because who knows when i'll get another. and so, as a result, i'm go go going all the time. i often double book myself. when i finally do have a break in my crammed schedule, i usually delight in the slow pace and how much i enjoy it. i was feeling pretty overwhelmed today, torn between my desire to go out to the screening room, and my instinctive desire to just stay at home and have a low-key evening. i found myself wishing i wasn't able to go out, for my freedom to be cut off so i was able to just stay home and not feel bad about it. and so i did. i created a peaceful environment for myself. i didn't turn my computer on when i arrived home. and discovered how great it is not cramming my life full of activities. the freedom you get from restricting yourself. i often feel paralyzed by the opportunities available to my generation, and yet feel stifled because unless you choose to live abroad your life is expected to follow a certain path. complete freedom or complete confident. i choose neither. i think for the next little while i'll only have my home computer on for one hour each day. it will force me into a slower-paced reality, and i'll use my time more wisely. something's gotta give. i need more structure in some ways, and less in others. living shouldn't feel like never-ending list of tasks, even if they're tasks i love doing. there's more to it than that. i love doing stuff, but i also love just being. i need to get back in touch with just being.

we agreed: apathy is very unattractive.

what you thought was freedom was just greed.

misinterpretations

the fireworks were beautiful tonight, and so was the company. it was fun, as we walked downtown we met up with more and more people we knew until we'd grown into a massive posse. it's always neat on canada day in kingston after the fireworks, there's one huge exodus unlike any other event in this city.

it's been a nice first of july.

earlier this evening matt, cas, shan and i went to donate blood. however, all three of us girls were disqualified because our iron was low. it was disappointing. they gave us a list of foods that contain more iron so we can increase our in take. it makes me wonder if that's why i've been having such a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings.

i love commiserating. we have each other, although it's not enough, it's good enough for now.

i find the people setting off fire crackers at the m centre across the street disconcerting. they sound too close. and i'm phobic.

i'm SO close, yet so far away.

i'd share a life and you'd share a life.