push

my new year's eve entry is always my favourite entry of the year. my yearly recap. my chance to take a look at the past year, to lie it all out on the table and peruse it. 2007 was not a year of many changes. it didn't hold new beginnings or many endings. it simply was. this being said, i wonder what i can conjure up, perhaps more happened than i think.

• had heart broken within first week of 2007
• paid off one of three osap loans
• mayelin returned to work after a year's maternity leave
• tim's dad died
• pete died
• took at road trip to ottawa with melissa to pick up beckie and toured the parliament buildings
• entered the stock market by purchasing bombardier shares
• melinda returned from austria
• fru died
• adopted honey and pekoe
• organized knitting project for kenya
• got adobe creative suite for my computer & more ram
• joined storytellers anonymous
• re-stained my balcony
• planted a garden on my balcony
• went to toronto on a business trip to a rail rodeo and conference
• one of my closest friends came out of the closet
• joined facebook
• read the harry potter series
• took a two-day first aid course
• undertook the design and art direction of hatch magazine
• had beck as a house guest over the summer
• went camping with my family
• went to p.e.i. with melinda (see arsenault)
• re-arranged my living room and bedroom into much more homey set-ups
• bought an elliptical
• painted back porch
• cooked thanksgiving dinner for my family at my house for the first time
• finally raised desk at work in order to stand at it
• had first four cavities filled

for an uneventful year it a lot happened. i'm not sad to close the door on 2007, it was not a great one. i realize nothing actually changes on new year's day, but there's something to be said for "tomorrow's another day". i would have welcomed 2008 a long time ago if i could have. in addition to the above list i also made new friends and parted ways with others. it's bittersweet. actually, i'd say this has been a bittersweet year. a lot of people have encouraged me, and told me they think this year holds good things. i'm hopeful, but still a tiny bit afraid of reaching 2009 and things being exactly the same as they are now. it's not that there's anything wrong with now, but people are supposed to move forward and change, and if they don't that's not good. at some point being stationary turns into diminishing. i will try my best to be bold and have courage.

i will begin again.

fish

my internal clock is officially wack. it's now past 3 am and i'm pretty much fully awake. i'm going to go to bed after this regardless, but i can sense some difficulty as i go back to work on wednesday.

i hope you don't get the wrong impression. i wish i hadn't walked away the way i did. you may never think of me again, but i'll think of you. i wish i could tell you it's nothing personal, if anything it's the personal that makes it harder. however, i've made my bed and now i have to sleep in it.

in the past goals for the new year were very apparent. it wasn't difficult for me to identify the path ahead of me. when i look back at those dreams it's clear that i've achieved them, i've done well for myself and i've come along way. that can make things difficult and somewhat confusing. but i guess i just shouldn't over think things and simply appreciate what i have and how far i've come. even so it makes me feel kind of silly setting goals to be less negative and to obliterate my personal use of plastic bags. they seem so minuscule, it feels like i'm just being picky. anal retentive. i wonder if it's too hard to ask for a challenge – something i can really tackle – without it being a problem or an emotional strain. i don't like problems, i don't want mind-bending confusion. maybe i should build a pyramid in the memorial centre's field, they say those can't be done. or maybe i could find a cure for the common cold.

ok, just so i have some cliff-notes to look back on next year-end, i'll jot down some goals:
• discontinue my use of plastic bags
• drop the 10 pounds i gained in 2007
• curb my own negativity and critical talk
• hook-up
• go to baffin island to visit beckie
• have people over more
• spend less money
now, most of those things are not "measurable" (as they would say at work) so i might be difficult to determine whether or not i've achieved them, but that's ok because it's not like i'll be getting a raise or anything based on the results. hm, i feel as though i need a wild card goal. i'll have to think of that and get back to you in a day or two.

to this day, when everything breaks,
you are the anchor that holds me.

conjugate

i watched mulan with joelle yesterday. that movie gets me every time. i was trying to wipe my tears without her noticing and to have a steady voice to explain the plot to her. it was difficult, but thankfully she was too young to notice the quiver in my voice. it feels so silly, but i just love how she fights in place of her father who was too proud to say he was too old and weak to go.

i've really been enjoying beckie's company. it's nice having someone else in my space, to think in we's instead of me's. we've been eating a lot of junk food, and putting on some pounds. we're on a romantic-comedy kick and go to the goat really late at night, then we stay up until 3 am.

i've decided to stop accepting bags when i make purchases. now that i don't need plastic bags for kitty litter they just keep filling up my bottom drawer. more times than not i can just place my purchases in my bag, and when they don't fit it's really not that hard to carry something in my hand, not harder than carrying a bag. however, i'm still trying to get into the habit of telling store clerks that i don't need a bag, but i'm sure it'll become habitual.

one of the things i applaud about the english language is conciseness. how most often a sentence can be condensed into a short string of words. that's not usually possible when someone has a limited vocabulary, they tend to depend on a lot of "really really"s or "very very"s.

i feel like i'm 14 again. wondering at my own decision making. questioning my good sense. rattled by internal conflicts.

my chance to say something seemed so brief, but it wasn't.
now i know i had plenty of time.

how to dismantle a pomegranate

i'm a little tipsy right now. beckie is home and we just finished a bottle of wine. it wouldn't have effected me except i chugged the last half of my glass. i tend to not believe alcohol has an effect on me then am reminded later when i'm feeling wobbly.

i had lunch with bud and jess today at windmills, it's been a long while since i'd been there. then we went to the goat. apparently i was a victor in the artel silent auction taking home 6 snazzy photos for the maxi pad's walls. nice.

sometimes it feels like life is a crazy math equation that i'm attempting to solve. i haven't a clue what i'm actually doing but i'm hoping i'll get it right.

this is a communal effort. i'd like to give a shout out to beckie who's reading over my shoulder. we've been dancing and competing to see who has the bigger bum. no solid conclusions have been reached yet.

i wonder if i've crossed the line of what's coherent. she told me not to write when i've been drinking.

i need to do something to my bathroom to make it more cozy. any suggestions? haha. i know a cozy bathroom might seem odd, but it just feels really bare and bleak.

if he wasn't mentally ill he'd be the perfect man for me.

davy crockett

well. i had a fantastic christmas with my family. part of me is disappointed that it'll be a whole year before the next one.

joelle was my little buddy who followed me everywhere i went. i slept in her room on a mattress on the floor and woke each morning to the sound of a little voice saying "auntie lesley...." it was really sweet, i had a really fun time with her and caleb. i'm not a huge baby person. i like babies, i think they're really beautiful and amazing, but i'm not the sort of person who will ask to hold them or anything. i kind of feel like joelle is fully into kidhood now and i can play with her and spend time with her in a tangible way. and my relationship with caleb is starting to develop too (it's harder when we're surrounded by a group of grown-ups who are all equally wanting him to sit on their lap. so i feel like i'm finally getting some one-on-one time with him).

we all got along very well, and i had ample opportunity to practice my new "no-gossiping and no-negative" talk policy. it was quite difficult at first but i'm getting the hang of either finding something positive to say instead of something negative, or simply keeping my comments to myself. it's quite refreshing and i feel like a lighter person.

i went to a duck potluck at irina's place tonight. i'd never had duck before. it was a really fun time, and the funny thing is that we all knew one another separately from different places. kingston is crazy tight-knit, it's not even 6 degrees of separation here, it's more like 3, sometimes 2. some people (i.e. melinda. oh, is it gossipy of me to name-drop in this instance?) HATE how inter-twined ktown is, but i love it. it's impossible to meet someone and not be able to find something/someone you have in common. it makes conversation so much easier. anyway, we "watched" flash dance" although that's debatable whether or not i can say that we watched it since we all made various comments right thru it. then we played "apples & apples" which is really quite a fun game. i haven't been much of a game person in the past, but i blame that on my lack of association with game lovers. i'd be up for more game playing in the future.

well i should go. it's 2 am, and so it's nearing my holiday bedtime. until next time... stay fit and have fun.

forget your name,
forget your fear.

waterlogged

i've been working on a painting. secretly. i haven't described it to anyone because i think it would sound strange and the finish product is much nicer than its description. anyway, i completed it an hour ago. it's the first of 4 in a series. the photo doesn't capture it accurately, but you can get the general idea. the colours are a wee bit off. i used acrylic paint and pencil crayon. it is my opinion that pencil crayon is a vastly overlooked medium. i like using it for finishing touches.

he called me at 3 am. i was startled awake by the sound of the phone ringing.

i got thinking today and concluded that i would like to cut-back on my gossiping habits. sometimes i can be such a ninny and i don' t like it. i have actually been working on that, but haven't yet made much ground. i think by actually vocalizing that it will help me break that habit. my mom and i were talking about it today and she thinks people gossip because they don't have anything else to talk about. i think that's a pretty accurate conclusion, and bearing this in mind will help me. if i find myself resorting to gossip to fuel a conversation then i'll take that as a cue to talk about something else. world issues perhaps. the evils of walmart. the clinton impeachment inquiry. i think talking about other people can be extremely toxic and something i'd like to distance myself from because it makes me feel yucky. on the bright-side, i've found by observing gossipy people i've discovered just how toxic it is! so for that i'm grateful. it's very easy to get roped into, so i must be on guard.

i watched a muppet christmas carol on the tv today. i love that movie. i love the muppets. i'm such a child of the 80s. man, does anyone know what gonzo is supposed to be? i feel conflicted about miss piggy and kermit. part of me thinks they shouldn't be together, she's a pig, he's a frog, biologically that just doesn't work. and then i feel racist.

i'll never make the same mistake.

facet

i just thought of another thing i've never done before... i've never read a science fiction book. err, wait, i had to read the chrysalids in high school. i really enjoyed it. so i guess that means i technically have read a sci-fi book before. darn.

my christmas shopping is progressing. i bumped into my dad at chapters tonight, i heard his voice and thought "hey... i know that person!" i treated him to a cup of tea and we split a cookie. then we went to cosco and ate all the samples.

come sit next to me,
pour yourself some tea.

frame

i got four cavities filled today on a whim. i wasn't scheduled to have them filled until january, but went today instead. i insisted that they fill all the bottom ones instead of 2 on the top and 2 on the bottom because they top ones don't bother me. the bottoms ones are very sensitive. they agreed to do it and froze my entire mouth. it took about 6 hours to wear off. around 5:30 i got really hungry and made myself some dinner but i couldn't even drink liquids so eating was out of the question. its not that my fillings weren't set, it was that i couldn't feel the food in my mouth to chew it. having my lower half of my face frozen was a very odd sensation, it was as though i was touching another person's face. i wasn't able to speak properly as i left the dentist office, and as i paid i realized i was not able to talk without hordes of spit pouring from my mouth, so i tried to respond with nods, smiles and friendly eyes. i hope it was effective and they gathered a "thank you" from my body/face language.

the dental drill was much less scary than i expected. i'd imagined them standing over me with a carpenters drill, i was all set to calm myself with brave words, but that was unnecessary. i laid there with my legs crossed and my hands resting under my head like i was lying in a field on a sunny-breezy summers day.

i'm so glad that tomorrow is my last day of work before my 10 day holiday. hurray! i could really use a break, i'm having a dickens of a time getting up each morning. beckie arrived last night and i'm really enjoying having her around. i was disappointed that my face was froze because it limited our options for the evening, but it was nice just hanging around. beck ordered a pizza and by then my face was almost back to normal.

having my first filling today marks yet another thing off my list of things i've never done. things remaining...
• never been skiing
• never been fired
• never been skinny dipping
• never seen the movie white christmas
• never eaten cambodian
• never went to university
• never permanently coloured my hair
• never met my grandpa
• never rode a ski-doo
• never seen the northern lights
• never been to algonquin park
• never got a bikini wax
• never been hung-over
• never watched the sun-rise

i wonder if i'll do any of those things in 2008.

i love how bright it is outside at night because of all the snow. it looks like a full moon every night.

p.s. i'm still looking for someone to christmas shop with on saturday....

i guess there's got to be a break in the monotony, but when it rains how it pours.

coffin

christmas shopping is time consuming. i went to three different dollar stores looking for this little tripod thing for my mom. i'm pretty tired, but had things i wanted to do at home before hitting the hay early. i'm pretty exhausted, however, there's only two more days of work before my christmas break, so i'm just biding my time.

i had my performance evaluation today, it went very well. i got a lot of 'superior results' and 'role models' considering i've spent my life being mediocre at everything, it feels great to excel at something. i'm not saying i'm not good at stuff, i'm just saying that there has always been someone else better than me at everything i do. i was a crappy student all the way to oac, and even in college i was just average. it's interesting to me that everything that makes me really great at my job are not things i was taught in a classroom.

does anyone want to go christmas shopping with me on saturday? i only have 5 more things to get. i got a christmas gift from the knickers today. i wasn't sure if i should have got her something too. i don't think so. i think it's a kind of thank you gift. it's this really nice pottery thing for putting spoons on when you're cooking. its really pretty. she clearly was thinking of me when she picked it, because it suits my place really well.

if i could book your life story out from the library i would.

this'll be the last time i ever do your hair.

yearbook

i've had a really fantastic birthday. so far 28 has been very good.

frank took me out for lunch and we stopped at the MTO in napanee to get my driver's license renewed. the lady told me i'm going to be one of the first people with the new cards (they're going to contain a hologram of our photos), so that's neat. she really liked my new photo and commented that i don't look any older than i did in my old photo, which i liked because it was taken in 2000. i like that i'm wearing my new tie headband in my new photo.

i had the girls over tonight for a tea party. it was really fun and i'd like to do that more often. it was a little crowded and i didn't get the chance to talk to everyone as much as i would have liked, but i think everyone had a nice time which is what's important. i really value my friends (yes, i DO have friends, it's just hard when i feel alone to remember that), my mom and i both feel recharged when we have good company. for a while i was needing a break from people, i think i've had that break, perhaps it was too long and my people fuel was running low. i realized after everyone left that i forgot to take photos of my birthday party. that was disappointing. oh well. there's always next time. anyways... thanks girls for coming over! it was so very nice to have you. thanks for making my birthday special [u]

i know it's just a small thing, but i'm so encouraged that 28 has started off so well. it's nice to have a fresh start. it's like a crisp piece of paper.

pleased to look forward, pleased to look behind,
and count each birthday with a grateful mind.

snowbank

this evening marks the end of yet another year. it is my birthday eve. it's been a snowy-blowy day, i'm hoping i'll be able to have a snow day tomorrow. on this day in 1979 there was a big storm in sarina and my dad forgot to plug in the car. so when they tried to leave for the hospital, the car wouldn't start and they had to call some friends for a drive. i was born at either 5:56 or 6:56 (my mom is hazy on the details), so i would imagine that they left no later than 3 am if not before.

usually i'm very adamant that i am [blank] years of age right up until the strike of midnight, but i've been considering myself 28 since mid-november. even when i was at the dentist i told her i was 28 when she asked how old i was. it makes me laugh because that's just going to make '28' seem like a really long year. when i was 10 it felt like it lasted forever, even my mom would say to me "are you STILL 10?", it felt like i was 10 for two years!

beckie just predicted that 28 will be a good year for me. she said "i feel like it will be, but it'll start slow". i just wanted to mark her words as a reminder. and while i'm at it (on an unrelated topic) i'm supposed to mark her words that it'll be weeks, maybe more.

this afternoon i turned on all the overhead lights in my house to see if that might make a difference. i think it may have helped, i'll keep that up and see how things go.

farewell '27'. i bid you adieu, never shall i look upon you again.

and scene.

stars shining bright above you;
night breezes seem to whisper love you.
birds singing in the sycamore tree.
dream a little dream of me.

the lamb

i need to start remembering that it's winter outside and that i should remove my boots when i enter my house before the melt all over the floor.

well. i got a hold of melinda and she took me with her to the artel christmas potluck (i was the only random guest there, but was welcome just the same). after that we went to the screening room where we saw death at a funeral. it was a really crazy obscure movie, but that's probably because we didn't know anything about the plot before hand. i like seeing movies that i know nothing about. we also went to the goat where i made a bid in the silent auction there. that was neat. i've never done that before.

i got carded at the liquor store today when i went to buy some champagne for the potluck. it was difficult to keep a straight face. i was just so happy that i'm turning 28 and could still pass for 18. i don't look my age, i don't dress my age. i'll try to take comfort in that.

arriving home i felt much better. my problem right now is very circumstantial, and after being around people i was feeling upbeat again. i'm frustrated because my weeks are so busy and my weekends are so solitary. i think i should start funneling all social events towards the weekends, because on weeknights i have to go to bed at a decent hour so that i'm not uber tired. melinda and irina diagnosed me with s.a.d., i think safe to assume they're right. that's obviously not the only problem, my life is topsy-turvy, and i'm tired of being alone, but the s.a.d. probably affects how i react to that and how i cope.

this morning i woke-up at 8:40 and was fully-rested. i was still feeling a little dopey so i sat on the couch and watched infomercials on a country-music boxset.

i got to believe in you.
i got to believe it's true.

go

i'm alone without plans yet again on a saturday. i partly blame myself because i decided that i would start planning plans ahead of time so that i don't spend another weekend feeling lonely and isolated. i tried, but no one took me up on my suggestion, and everyone else is busy with their families. i feel as though no one takes me seriously. i've asked upwards to a dozen people if they know anyone they can set me up with, and not a single person has come up with anyone. i am sincerely asking for people to help me meet someone, because i feel as though i'm losing my mind with loneliness. but they don't seem to care, it's not their problem. what do they care if i meet someone or not.

i'm growing suspicious that i don't actually have any friends because if i'm as "popular" as everyone thinks, then why do i spend so much time alone. maybe i don't have any friends at all, it feels like i'm living my life estranged from everyone except for the occasional visitor, a guest-star in the occasional episode. there's not a single person that i see more than once a month outside of formal events like work, church or living room.

i guess today i'll just clean my apartment getting ready for my birthday "celebration" and then go to the screening room alone.

i'm sorry, i don't mean to be rude. i'm just sad and i'm tired of feeling this way. i think i should stop blogging until i actually have something good to say. i'm becoming a real downer. but i need people in order to recharge, and i'm as dry as a bone.

something radical has to change in my life.

he felt it in his heart, but it wouldn’t come through his hands.

addendum:
i just realized i was feeling exactly the same this time last year. perhaps it's seasonal, or perhaps it's just the season of my life.

repo

i don't want you to take this the wrong way but, everything wrong with me is my own fault. haha. i really don't mean it that way. i mean, all the physical problems i've had have been self-inflicted. and usually because i wasn't taking care of myself. gained 50 pounds... my fault. got 8 cavities... my fault. i'm a healthy and fortunate person, so i think it's easy for me take my good health for granted and assume that ailments will pass me by. but they don't. i think i also tend to believe that i can do everything i want to do, forgetting my own physical limitations. i'm tired. if it was up to my brain, i'd be doing my dishes right now, but my body won't let me. i'm so tired. i didn't ellipticate today, which annoys me, because i'm still 10 pounds overweight, and it's not budging. i should have worked out, but i'm just so tired and weary. joy says my iron may be low, that women have lower iron levels after their period. i think she's probably right. that and i don't get enough sleep. no wonder i'm exhausted. i don't know how other people do it. maybe they don't have to get up as early as me, it's hard for to go to bed when there's other things i'd rather be doing. like hanging out with friends, or watching the office season three on dvd.

it occurred to me that i miss having housemates. right now i'm forgetting all that i love about living alone. i like having people around and not having to entertain them. it was nice having melinda and irina in the other rooms while i did my own thing. i look forward to beckie staying her during her christmas break. at least i assume she'll be staying here for a little bit at least. i've been spending too much time alone, and yet i have no energy to go out or have people over. living alone is making me feel detached and disjointed. people tell me it's the weather, and that i'll feel better when the light returns, i hope so. if not, i'll have to consider getting housemates again in a year or two, which would be a shame because i love my house.

knickers mentioned me going with her to pittsburgh in the new year. that would be exciting, i really liked pittsburgh when i was there last.

i think my hair looks awesome. i forgot how much i like it this way.

do you find you get tired much earlier
when you just want the days to end?

wipe

i went to the dentist today.
i've never had anyone else floss my teeth before.
it was really weird.

maybe the company of strangers is just what i need.

aside

i have no idea how an ox and lamb would keep time.

well, i've begun the third season of the office. it feels really good to laugh out loud. i think i was in an extra jovial mood, because i'd worked out on my elliptical and had discovered that peddling backwards minimizes the squeaks. i've sprayed the HECK out of that contraption and it STILL won't stop squeaking. i need someone to stand there as i peddle to tell me where the sound is coming from, because it ALWAYS stops squeaking when i try to crouch down to hear. i wonder if it's TRYING to make me insane. ironically, peddling backwards was also a more intense workout and i think i used thigh muscles i don't usually work.

i'm trying to try new things. after work in the remains for daylight, i was trying to fasten on some replacement windshield wipers. a man named marc came along as i was doing this and began to help me. i initially i wanted him to continue on his way, i have a difficult time accepting help from men – i think that's directly related to the fact that when i was a kid, having to take care of my mom there were no men around to help me, and if i could find a way to manage then, i SHOULD be able to manage now. regardless, in spite of my instincts, i accepted his help and i really appreciated it. i think i'm slowly breaking down the walls i've built up, being vulnerable isn't so bad, when you get used to it. it's like immersing yourself in cold water, it's quite enjoyable when you've gotten used to it.

my baseball bat won't ever be the same. it will aways bear the scars. sometimes we need a reminder of our mistakes, virtual scar tissue to ward off a repeat.

there's a lot that i don't know for certain, but i'm becoming more in tune. more often than i realize, i intuitively know something before it's even stated. that's not to say that i'm never surprised, but i think i'm learning to pick up on vibes and signs, to know when something is significant and decipher what it means. there's an answer for everything and it's only a matter of time.

well maybe now i understand just what it's been that's bugging me.

tunic

perhaps i have learned to love without fear.

fear is the path to the dark side. fear leads to anger.
anger leads to hate. hate leads to suffering.

fiat

i just got home from yet another bombardier christmas party. i had a nice time as usual. i ate a big meal and danced the night away. both the eating and the dancing really surprised me since i can't usually consume a lot of food and i don't usually dance in public. two years ago, i went with april and mayelin. then last year, neither of them worked at bbd so i went alone. then this year they were both there again. that amazes me. it was really fun and we had a lot of laughs. it's nice to get dressed up on occasion and feel like a woman.


i've come to an important conclusions – i'm not going to write entries when i'm pmsing. i don't think it's a good idea. i have a pretty short memory for when it comes to feelings, and i think it's better for me to forget feeling hopeless once it moves on instead of immortalizing it in writing.

i was really disappointed because i didn't have time to go to joanna's christmas party this afternoon. i just didn't have enough time to get everything done, and i get overwhelmed very easily. i don't really know how other people do it. i sometimes struggle to keep it all together.

hm

i want to thank myself for being so hard on myself.
there's no one else could know how much i really must improve.
i see my faults come through in every aspect of my life.
i just see the downside of every single thing i do.
i should point out that overall i'm not so negative
i know that there are mostly good things for me in this world.
i feel like, all in all, i'm only being realistic.
i'm glad to see the merits of the things i'm trying to do.

oscar

i quite enjoyed my trip to the dentist today. my hygienists name is lauri, and she was very nice lady. very friendly and i felt very comfortable asking her questions and stuff. there was a lot to go over, i told her about my cavity and about my baby-corner tooth. she took a lot of x-rays and one specifically of my baby-tooth to get a clear idea of what's going on. i have a baby-corner tooth with the adult tooth behind it still under the surface. it's just never come down thru the gums and the baby-tooth has never budged. i heard recently that sometimes impacted teeth can develop cysts around them, which cause a lot of serious problems. this obviously concerned me, so i wanted to get the low-down on that. my old dentist (dr motruk – i won't hesitate to name-names in this case because i would strongly advise any patients of his to go elsewhere) was almost secretive and wouldn't really tell me anything about my oral health. where lauri today was the exact opposite. she said it's their policy to discuss all matters with their patients so they can together work towards a healthy mouth. that amazed me, and it makes a lot of sense! she explained everything she was doing, and why they were doing it. she also explained how oral hygiene affects the rest of the body, how plaque contributes to diabetes and heart disease. it was very interesting!

anyways, the dentist only came in for a 5 minute inspection (i spent about an hour and a quarter with lauri. i realized that hygienists are like dental nurses. they do all the ground work and one-on-one stuff, and the dentists do all the specialty stuff and have the final say). i discussed my impacted tooth with the dentist in depth, she seemed annoyed at my old dentist for not properly dealing with it when he should have. she said i should not have a baby-tooth as a grown-up if there's an adult tooth in there. she said if you reach 13 and you still have baby-teeth then they should be pulled. my corner-tooth would have come down properly back then, but it's too late now, it's roots are firmly developed and it's not moving without braces. she said it's in perfect condition and would be every easy to slip into place with orthodontics. however, that's not something i'm interested in pursuing. she said that considering the location and condition of my impacted tooth, there is no concern of cysts. which was all i needed to know. phew!

when the dr was in seeing my teeth, she checked for cavities. i was listening carefully for her to confirm or deny whether or not i did in fact have a cavity. she didn't say much, then in almost no time at all she was shaking my handing and leaving the room. i was about to say to lauri "does that mean i don't have any cavities?" when she said "you have 4 cavities" i gasped in shock! then she said "oh, wait, no, you have 8 cavities. that was just the bottom". hahaha, i could have fallen over. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

so i discovered why one should not wait 4 years between dentist appointments. i'm extremely thankful that i have coverage thru work. needless to say i have a greater commitment to brushing my teeth after every meal. i have to go back next week for a cleaning, and then back twice in january to get my fillings done. i need to decide if i want white fillings or metal fillings. they said metal fillings last longer. i kind of like the idea of metal fillings. they seem so old-school. i'll have think about that, since i'll have to live with my decision for the rest of my life. in a way it's like a really bad tattoo.

to call for hands of above,
to lean on,
wouldn't be good enough.

sprinkles

sometimes opportunities present themselves, and we have to decide whether or not to take them. i've long thought life is a choose your own adventure. we are constantly faced with choices that can alter the path of our lives. even the simplest thing (walking home a different route, attending an event, a rainy day) can produce such impacting moments without our fore-knowledge. i met a significant friend once in a very unlikely event, afterwards i'd often say to him "what if i hadn't gone there that day? i wasn't planning on going, but if i hadn't, i would never have met you". being a bit of a fatalist he'd simply say "i'm sure we would have met eventually". he's probably right. one night i was down on colborne street on a stormy night one february. i couldn't find the house i was looking for. being very confused by the absence of the house number i was looking for, i started toward the closest house to knock and ask for help. at the last minute i chickened out and went home to double check the address. six months later i met rhonda, that little house i almost went to on colborne was her house. i would have met her that night if i hadn't gone home instead. i think it takes a lot of courage to make decisions that are life-altering. i can only think of a handful of my own bold decisions that have panned out. but sometimes we have to take a chance, and taping into that courage is enough, even when nothing gives.

i was talking to someone tonight about hatch. a man in his fifties. he was the second (man in his fifties) to suggest that we sell ad space so we can afford to get it printed. both times i've been surprised by the suggestion and inwardly cringed. i don't know if it's a generational thing, or a matter of outlook, but (and i may be wrong to speak for everyone) we're don't want to cheapen our zine by turning it into "corporate" propaganda. haha, listen to me, haha, i WORK for a corporation. but probably because of that i understand the difference between business and art. hatch is art. and i don't want to see it be bought by the man so we can keep cranking them out. it's home-grown, it's grass-roots, and i hope it stays that way.

we'll cast some light and you'll be alright.

yonder

i think i just got a paper cut on my nose!

well, i'm feeling much better today. i'll tell you more about that in a bit, but first...

i switched to flushable kitty litter. it's more expensive, but i'm hoping it'll be worth it. it will drastically cut back on my quantity of trash, and i think it'll be easier to maintain. this also means i won't need to use plastic grocery bags, but can use cotton ones instead! (i used to use my grocery bags for disposing of the dirty litter). the new stuff is made of wheat and supposedly it eliminates odors. which is good, i hate the chemical scent of normal litter. hee hee, i love my kitties, they're so funny. i hope they aren't weirded out by the new litter and not use it.

i spun out in traffic today. did a total 180 on a hill. thankfully i was only mildly scared because i needed to be level-headed and think clearly. the cars behind me were far enough back that there were no further repercussions. after that i was quite nervous driving the rest of the way, and i spend the rest of the trip trying to figure out of there's another route to work that has no hills. unfortunately, i don't think there is. i'm going to start leaving the house at 7:15 if i want to get to the office by 8.

i emailed with my mom today, she was very understanding, and i emailed with david too. he always seems to know the right things to say. he asked me some good thought provoking questions, and the conversation has left me feeling encouraged. he's almost convinced me to try internet dating. i suppose i might as well give it a try, it's almost a right of passage nowadays. david is convinced "not being able to find someone" is a wide spread problem across our generation, so maybe this is my best option. i'm not sure what the success ratings are, but i know of several people have met their husbands that way, including one of my best friends who's getting married next spring. i won't put all my hopes in it, but it's probably worth looking into. i've decided though to not dive into that until the new year. give myself some time, and start fresh in the new year. 2007 has kind of sucked in a lot of ways. it's been a rough one, but i suppose i was due for a hard one, they can't ALL be great. HEY! you know what i just realized? i have sucky years every 3 years! 2001, 2004, 2007! weird! so anyway, when i finally take the plunge into online dating i'll probably solicit your help. when i wrote my résumé, i asked my friends to all tell me one word they thought described me. so i'll probably do that, but not yet. ok that's enough about my single state for the next while. i don't want to be a complainer and drive everyone away from me. i just wanted to update you and not leave things hanging bleakly.

ooh, i'm all in the mood for christmas music. i haven't been much of a christmas music fan since i lived at home with my sister, but i suddenly am now! i don't have any christmas cds or anything, if anyone has any they could lend to me, or make into a christmas mixed cd for me, that would be super!

my confusion-cornered commuters are cursing the cold away,
as december tries to dissemble the length of their working day.

inanimate

i have a sneaking suspicion that i may be an adult. hmm. that seems really surreal ;)

i have a cavity. it's my first. it's sensitive to sweet things and cold things. my dentist is a loony-bin, so i've been putting off going to the dentist because i needed to find a new one. and i just didn't know how to go about finding one. they all seem to be pretty much the same. i asked upwards to a dozen people, and everyone said their dentist was the best. i was hoping that i'd come across two people who had the same dentist and that would help me decide. in the end i did decide on one and i booked an appointment this thursday.

i don't feel like myself these days.

sometimes i feel tempted to close away into myself. i've been pmsing, so i've been battling waves of grief while trying to consciously remind myself that it's not so bad, that i'll get thru once again. at times i feel like i'm beyond ripe and now i'm rotting. everything's ok, i'm just tired and don't have much fight left in me. my life is fine, it's good, i'm very fortunate. but i'm hating being single, and it's impossible to appreciate all that you do have when you're missing the one thing you want. i almost feel guilty about that. i also feel sick to my stomach.

canadian tire is completely sold out of windshield scrapers. and mine broke last night down on bagot street. i find it kind of funny. there's not a lot i can appreciate more than irony. it's a real kicker. i like a lot of things. i remember back when i was going thru a hard time because i couldn't find a job, and a friend of mind told me to list 10 things i was thankful for. i'm going to do that now: i'm thankful...
1) for the snow storm today – because i got to go into work 2.5 hours late
2) that because i got to go into work late i did my dishes, and
3) i did 30-minutes on my elliptical before work
4) that i got to hang-out with melissa and rhonda yesterday
5) for my new raised desk
6) for the money my auntie carol sent me for christmas which is almost exactly what i need to buy my new bed
7) that my neighbour shoveled my driveway for me
8) for my kick-ass apartment
9) for the electric scraper my dad gave me last year and i found in my closet. it's heated. it worked ok, although i did burn my fingers on it, but it's kind of neat having no feeling in my index finger and my middle finger
10) that i went to the meeting at next tonight

don’t let the darkness eat you up.

forget-me-nots

well another day has past and i still haven't cleaned my house. instead i watched the entire second season of the office on dvd. it was good times though, and i don't really mind that i spend the day that way. it was relaxing if nothing else. i finished my lime green sox and have started some bright read ones. i'm hoping that i'll finish tidying tomorrow. at least the bathroom, living room and pink room are complete. it's just my room and the kitchen.

this morning as i cooked some pancakes in the kitchen i got eye contact with a man climbing a ladder to my roof. my house is being re-shingled, regardless, it felt strange being peered at in my pjs.

i bought a shirt of my office christmas party next saturday, i was very pleased with myself, it was on sale and i bought a really nice silver cuff for dressy occasions. but when i got the shirt home, it looks awful with my skirt. i think it may actually be a short dress and not a shirt. so i have to return that tomorrow, and they only give store credit. crappy. april is coming with me as my date this year, you know, my friend april who used to work at bbd? when i saw her a few weeks back at marilyn's she was asking about the party and was wonder if she could be someone's date. it should be a fun time. drunk april is very entertaining.

sometimes i'm not sure of my identity. and i wish i was classifiable, categorized, that i would have a "thing".

please don't let me down this time.
i've come a long way to just fold back into line.

melt

yay! my desk was raised this morning, it's fabulous. although, i have to admit, i'm pretty exhausted from all the running around – moving my computer to a temporary workstation, then back again. regardless, i think my body will take some time to get used to the physicalness of standing so much. i won't be standing all the time, but i'll definitely be standing far more than i used to. i feel like i've had an active day, which is good. no longer will i be the inactive office worker.

so here's pic the finished product. if you want to see what it looked like before click here for a old photo (i think it was taken in early 2005)

funny story about this photo... it's not staged. i'm kind notorious for taking fake candid photos of myself, but this was the real deal. just after i set the timer on my camera knickers came along and was yaking to me while it secretly took the picture. i was really freaked out and nervous that i was going to get caught. i dunno, there's something about taking photos at work that makes me feel instantly guilty, it seems kinky or something. seriously, i had NO idea how i was going to explain it to her if she spotted the camera in my filing cabinet. i'm sure "i needed a photo for those tuning in from home" wouldn't cut it. haha.

see those wonky ceiling tiles? that's what i used to gaze up at from my chair in deep thought. but now, i can actually see out some windows! wow! i can actually know what the weather is like outside instead of being in a vacuum.

i've had countless (ok, maybe a dozen) people come by to check it out. i'm sure there are some who think it's weird, but for the most part people have been really fascinated and think it's really neat. the health and safety guy thinks it'll start a trend. yup, that's me... "trend-setting lesley". hahaha, not really. i don't think i've ever set a trend before in my life.

after working all afternoon in my new and improved workstation, i'd have to give it an A++. i feel so much more efficient and mobile. it's great.

haha, i've now talked for three consecutive days about my desk. haha.

don't you know that i'll be around to guide you
through your weakest moments to leave them behind you.

inspector gadget

hm, i saw THAT coming. i'm kind of proud of myself actually. i'm getting better at this game.

my work desk is all cleared. i've stacked everything on a table outside my cube with a note that says "lesley's stuff is here on temporary assignment while her cube gets renovated. please don't touch. thanx!" i've heard two people discussing it and wondering what i'm doing. oddly enough they didn't come and ask me. i find that strange, i wonder if i'm unapproachable or something. they start renos tomorrow morning. YAY! it gives me some anxiety seeing my cube all undone like that. i get emotionally attached to things when i've grown accustomed to them. in a way it's dangerous for me to get used to anything. although, i know i'm going to LOVE having my desk raised and i'll be able to arrange things all over again. being in my naked cube was unnerving. frank and i agreed it makes it seem darker and not very homey. it reminds me of moving day or when i repaint a room - bare walls, empty nails jutting out. they start work first thing tomorrow. i hope it's done by noon.

i shrunk my new pants! i shrunk my favourite pants! i turns out they're dry-clean only. i put them on this morning and realized something was terribly wrong. i asked marilyn when i arrived at work if it was noticeable, she said it was. so upsetting! however, we took a look at the hem and decided there was more than enough fabric to have them taken down again. which is kind of annoying because i had them shortened only to now have them let down. oh well, i'm glad they can be salvaged. i was planning on dropping them off on the way home tonight until i remembered i had nothing to change into and i'd have to leave pantless. i figured it was too cold for that.

i have to admit something to you. i feel jealous when i hear of young couples being invited over to older couples houses for dinner. it makes me feel really excluded. i'm certain that if the young couples were not in relationships, they wouldn't be invited over for dinner either. and i know that some day i'll be in a relationship and will get dinner invites and what-have-you, but that doesn't really diminish my current feelings of being a freak. i know i'm not a freak, but stuff like that just makes me feel like the last kid being picked in gym class.

all our ideas hold no water, but we use them like a damn.

grocery bag tussle

at home i have a really tall desk. it makes it so i can either sit or stand while i'm at my computer. for the last 4 years i've been wishing that i had a higher desk at work, so i could stand and not turn into a lethargic lazy bum. too often when i feel tired or low on energy, i know it's a problem that could be fixed with some more activity. it's not so bad in the summer because i get out for a walk at lunch time. i've tried working standing up with my desk at it's current height, and it's simply not possible. i was thinking about it yet again the other day, and verbalized these thoughts to frank. he told me that in fact it IS possible to raise the desk, and a number of the engineers have done so. everyone i mention this to thinks i'm crazy at first, but the more i talk about it, they seem to think it makes some sense. when i was in design school we used drafting tables, which is how i acquired this habit. i've put in a request and they maintenance guys said it will be no problem. they'll probably do it on monday or before. i'm counting down the days. i'm tempted to take a before and after photo. oh i am SO excited that my insides won't continue to be squished sitting all day. who knows, maybe i'll be a few inches taller!

i didn't know you kept track, i didn't know there was a score.
well it looks like your the winner and i ain't gonna play no more.

j-walk

i don't know if he was asking my opinion, but i let him have it anyway. i think he knows me well enough to be expecting it. that's probably why he didn't come right out and ask for it.

i heard what sounded like a laugh or a cackle coming over the walls of my cube. it took sometime for my ears to adjust, for my mind to comprehend, that i was actually overhearing utter despair and devastation upon receiving a phone call saying a loved one had died suddenly.

i drove past the big yellow house yesterday. when i was a kid, there was a lady who lived next door to my school who had this crazy big growth on her neck. and she owned a large snake. she lived in the big yellow house, whenever i see it i wonder if she was in fact real or someone i dreamt up. and if she was real, why did she own a python, and why didn't she get that huge growth checked out?!?! sometimes i have difficulties differentiating between reality and dreams. it's very possible i dreamt her up, maybe thomas would know.

i'll go get into bed and lie awake in the silence. lying straight without moving. lying still without sleeping.

i don't do what you do.

synconized

a lot of thoughts have sojourned thru my mind today. and of these thoughts i will try to select only a few to share with you for sake of time.

we talked a little at living room tonight about one-sided friendships. a number of people mentioned friends of theirs who never ask how their doing, and simply talk about their own problems. whenever i hear people say that, i immediately sting. i'm horribly afraid that i am one of those people. recently i spend an evening with someone who didn't ask a single thing about me, but spent the evening responding to my questions about her. i was left feeling like that was the most bizarre conversation ever, and i worried that i'm guilty of doing that. if i am, please forgive me. i do genuinely care about all my friends, i'm sorry if i dominate conversations with my own problems. i think sometimes i take forgranted that everyone else will volunteer their stories as i do, so perhaps i don't ask often enough. please forgive me if you find i talk to much and monopolize conversations.

over sunday lunch i started to realize how much like my mom i am. joy is very like her in character and tasks, where i'm more like her emotionally and relationally. it was kind of exciting for me to piece that together. i also realized that my mom was the unconventional one in her family, but that got squashed out of her. so although she's pretty conventional now, she gives me a lot of liberties because she understands that part of me.

i drove past my old house on pine street today. they've installed new equipment in the park next door. seeing that made me think of the time i spoted a guy jerking off in the playground and i yelled at him thru our window and he ran away looking completely mortified.

and bless you,
and i deeply do.

knock

i am an engima.
too complex to be understood.
please excuse me.
as i can't even fathom myself.

we heard the tiny clap of little hands.

fifth

good things really do happen out of the blue. why hadn't i noticed before?

during yesterday's first storm of the season, i was struck by two thoughts.
one) how lovely winter is. i think i'm appreciating it for the first time as an adult. i was ready for a change, i love summer, but some of its novelty had worn off. just as i love the open, airiness of summer, i love the cozy and consuminness of winter.
two) i marveled our natural-canadian response to the snow. mid-afternoon i draped myself in my coat and went out to the batmobile (to break the ice-seal forming around the doors), and was fascinated by how normal walking out into the snow and cold felt. it's been about 9 months since our last snow fall, yet stepping into that climate was as natural as anything - as though not a day had gone by. it's pretty incredible. we're an interesting breed, a region who experiences two extremes of weather.

won't someone pull the drain on my brain??

so... what are people eating for breakfast these days? i need to change things up a bit. my morning routine is crumbling and i think changing my breakfast routine would help (as it has in the past). what do you eat? i think that would be helpful.

i like my outfit tonight. i've really been enjoying my clothes lately actually. it makes me feel good about myself. lately it's been kind of a back-and-forth issue lately. but instead of believing my feelings i'm choosing to believe my head. or i'm trying to.

aww, my kitties are just so darn cute!

i have a zit inside my ear. it hurts.

we were never invisible but that i guess we could not see.


ADDENDUM
i just watched the science of sleep. fantastic! i laughed so hard that my mouth did all sorts of crazy things at once.

raise

all it takes is some good dancy music and a little bit of adrenaline to put me on the top of the world.

last night i felt like putting on my old wood earrings. i'd lost one of the sticks in my shag carpet over a year ago, and since then i couldn't find to replace it. however, i took a second look and found one! i'm pleased because i LOVE these earrings, there's just something so awesome and funky about them.

i'm not exactly sure what i'm going to do. but i want to do something. i think it's a lot harder than i anticipated all those years ago. although, i don't think that would have changed my mind. at least i hope not. am i strong enough for the task ahead? we'll see in time, until then i like to think that i am, because i haven't got a choice.

you can't always get what you want,
but if you try sometimes you might find
you get what you need.

girls

i'm glad for signs. no, not even signs, more like clear barricades. nothing is more difficult for me than when something is not going the way i thought it would/should without any clear reason. when something boggles my mind it's completely unbearable, and it just gets progressively worse. but when there's a clear resounding 'NO', or a dead-end, i can turn back round and carry on. it's lovely. it's refreshing.

i weighted myself this morning to find that i was 5 pounds heavier than i was yesterday. oddly enough, i instinctively reached for some toilet paper to blow my nose on as though clearing my sinuses would make me drop those extra pounds. haha. if i had 5 pounds worth of boogers in my system i think there would be something quite seriously wrong! hahaha

you gave me some sound advise, but i wasn't listening.

crash

i have a phobia of accidentally sending an email to the wrong addressee. i wrote my mom a big long email today, and about ten minutes later i got a glimpse of it in my outbox and realized that i'd sent it to rhonda by accident. HAHa. thankfully it was just little r because i didn't say anything overly personal that wouldn't normally tell her anyway.

i was just making my tomato and fennel salad for a dinner party i'm going to after work tomorrow with my workmates. when i was finished i poured it all into a large serving bowl. when i lived with melinda, she would often eat out of that bowl, i always commented on it, but it wasn't until about a year later that she realized it was a serving bowl and not a dinner bowl. hahaha, i remembered that as i took it down from the cupboard and it made me giggle.

things went well today. work was good, i was comfy and had plenty to do. my headlight fell out again, but i think i've got it back in proper-like. i've put on about 5 to 10 pounds, and i need to make a decided effort to shed them before they turn into 15 or 20. i've been forcing myself to do 30 minutes on my elliptical 4 times a week, and i must confess.... i HATE IT! it's SO hard and i feel like i'm dying. it's exhausting, i push myself really hard. BUT hopefully if i preserver i'll lose the weight in no time and no longer have to endure such self-inflicted torture.

it took so much effort not to make an effort.

irregardless

i crazy-glued my head-light back in place. and so far it's holding ok.

i went to the goat after church today. i'd run some errands and then arrived there to have a cup of tea and read my book. that's the second day in a row i'd gone to the goat, i don't know how much of that was a result of the fact that my apartment was a bit of a dump and i was escaping it, or simply i felt like being out and about. when i arrived every single table was taken, so i resorted to the side bar thingy. it made remember a sad story beckie had told me once, and it made me wonder if those stools were reserved for pathetic parties of one. although, i didn't feel pathetic. i placed my vest on an empty stool, and asked the fellow next to me "is anyone sitting here?" he was very friendly and told me "no.... how are you today??" i told him i was good and asked how he was. i felt encouraged by this friendly exchanged, and went to order my snack. when i got back to the side bar, my new acquaintance had left, but that was alright, more room for me. i was delighted to discover that i actually really liked the side bar, it's very high, and seeing as i like to sit close to my food, and i had a wall to prop my book up against, it worked out ideally. i kind of wish i'd been forced to sit there before! i felt good, and comfy, and uninhibited. i guess i was always just too intimidated to sit there, it draws attention to my aloneness. however, i resolve to listen to the advise i'd give to other people. what would i tell me? do i believe the words of encouragement i give to others? i do, so i should buck up. take heart. it'll be ok. it's temporary, this too shall pass.

the highlight of my day is finding a gift for david and sending it in the mail. it's something he's been looking for for a while, and i know he'll be totally thrilled. and knowing that makes me totally thrilled. i also gave jordin her mixed cd, which i forgot to take with me to living room so thankfully she was able to come home with me to pick it up afterwards. i really like giving people gifts of things i think they'll really like.

i want to apologize if i talk too much about being single over the next little while. it's really on my mind, and something i would like to change. i know not all of you can relate exactly, but i hope you can understand what it's like to have to wait for something, to have to trust and hope, while staying objective and sensible. i could take the approach of not divulging these details, but i'd rather be transparent about it. i'd like you to journey with me. because in the end, you'll be able to truly celebrate with me. since in life, we're never actually an island, we're all in this together.

soon it will be hammered into what she calls her silly head,
that she really isn't silly but she's beautiful instead.

avatar goggles

you'll never believe this, but my car fell victim to a hit + run tonight. some guy backed into it while i was parked at rhonda's and then sped off! i heard something and saw some car lights while i sat on her couch, when i looked out the window i saw him stop then drive off. there doesn't seem to be much damage. the side head-light is dislodged, it looks like an eye-ball hanging out, but other than that it seems to be ok. i realize my batmobile isn't worth much, but it's been a good little car to me and i'm not happy about it being treated so badly. a hit and run was uncalled for. for goodness sakes, they could have at least got out to look at the damage and apologize. what a chicken. i THINK i've managed to reattach the headlight – it still works properly – but i'll be able to get a better look in the morning.

tracy and i went to the santa claus parade tonight, and rhonda, isaac and rhonda's friend tess joined us a little later. it was cold, and we waited over an hour before it passed us in front of the goat. but it was alright. the parade has improved drastically since i was last there 10 years ago. this may sound harsh to some or most of you, but i hate santa. when i have children, i'm going to try my hardest to emphasize the whole st. nick aspect of santa, because that's a really beautiful tale. he wasn't about commercialism, he was about meeting real needs! for example, he would provide dowries for girls from large families so they wouldn't be forced into prostitution! that's amazing, what a nice guy! i looked santa claus up on wikipedia the other day, and found the european/middle eastern take on him much more appealing. i especially liked the swedish father christmas who rides around on the back of a goat. heehee.

pray for peace people everywhere.

history

fate cannot be tempted, but i wonder if it can be dared.

i have some exciting news (kind of). i've asked my sister if i can be there during her delivery. she agreed and seemed sort of reluctant. joy is very regular, so it would never occur to her to want to be at someone else's birth. but when i explained my reasons and stuff, she was perfectly fine with it. so that'll be neat. i'm really looking forward to it now. i'm excited about being there when my nephew takes his first breaths.

EXTREMELY exciting news. after almost 2 months my refrigerator has been fixed. no more MMMRRRRRRRRRRRR, SHREEEEEEEEEEE, MMMMRRRRRRRR. you could even hear it outside from the street when the windows were closed. i'm enjoying the peace and quiet.

oh my goodness, i'm FREAKIN' tired. when it gets to this time of night and staying awake is making me physically ill, i think that's the sign that i should retire for the evening, into the comforts of my single bed. did i tell you i'm thinking about getting a new bed? it'll still be a twin, it makes the most logical sense space wise and stuff. but i want a REAL bed, that i purchased, that isn't a hand-me-down from a my mom's friend's daughter. i want a head-board and everything, and not one made out of particle board. real wood.

i'm refusing to multi-task anymore. well at least temporarily. i'll just focus on the task at hand and no more. the rest can wait... for a little while.

the sun will start later, and clock out early.

niche

i am:
• refusing to put out the garbage tonight because i can't be bothered.
• really very tired, and should be in bed right now.
• extremely glad that i skipped watching grey's anatomy tonight to hangout with terrence and helen.
• really delighted with the earrings helen made for me tonight. they're very beautiful.
• proud to be a graphic designer.
• wondering what's taking the mail so long.
• far too impulsive, but will just learn to live with it.
• skilled at pretending that i'm paying attention when i'm not.
• honored.
• looking forward to seeing you.
• relieved all that is behind me.
• hopeful without urgency.
• wishing i'd checked my voicemail before going out tonight.


i am not:
• punctual.
• afraid of needles.
• lonely or lonesome.
• very good at painting.
• happy i stepped in a cold puddle.
• remembering to water my indoor plants.
• above admitting that i'm wrong.
• 28.
• going to quit.
• flossing as regularly as i should.
• a morning person.
• a picky eater.
• worried.

soon you'll get it done on the right side.

silence

i got the YFC newsletter put together in record time. and i have adobe indesign to thank. it's fantastic, and perhaps a mini-miracle-maker, considering i had to build the file over from scratch. i feel like screaming out "adobe indesign... where have you been all my life!?!?" together we conquer deadlines, obliterate numeric scaling, and wage war on quark xpress in general. ah yes, t'was another successful day in design land. you know what i realized today? i spend (sometimes) up to 14 hours a day in front of a computer (perhaps sometimes more), and i never get tired of it. although part of me finds that a little sick, the other part of me is pleased that i'm that easily satisfied by my work. if only i had indesign at work, then my life would be complete :p it's only a matter of time....

last night i didn't sleep very well, and i don't suppose i will tonight either. whenever i'm doing design work at home i really should quit at 9 pm (or 9:30) if i want my brain out of work-mode and into sleep mode by bed time. last night i dreamt that honey had ringworm again. that was gross and unpleasant. oh super, and now i'm sharing that thought with you. isn't that nice of me to spread the disgust?

i wish that someone would fill in the gaps in my reality.

the revolution will not be televised.

refrigerator

mark my words people... i will be to blame for my own misery. sometimes it's like i'm fighting against myself, i seem (without my own consent) to take my own life and shake it for all it's worth, and then expect it to function properly. WHY, WHY, WHY, do i do this to myself?!?!? HAHAHAHA, i'm so ridiculous that it's laughable. well at least i can laugh. i read in an article last week that said a self-deprecating sense of humour is a sign of a self-aware person. if i'm alone for the rest of my life, it'll be because i can't tell when someone is hitting on me. do you think that's a learning disability? could i be compensated for that by the government or something? it's just ironic, seeing as i've been boo-hooing over being single, then a nice quality guy comes along and i blow him off because i'm too dense to realize what is actually happening. haha, like come on?!?!

you know... i've really been enjoying my kitties lately. i've always liked them, i'm fond of them, but i think i'm growing attached to them. which is nice.

hey, have you ever been so speechless that you are also thoughtless? thoughtless in the sense that you simply are incapable of forming any thoughts? that happened to me yesterday. my mind was completely blown.

i got more faults than the state of california,
and my heart is a badly built bridge.
seems the most i have to offer
doesn't offer much,
make it something somebody can use.

candid

we tell secrets.

looking towards the future,
we were begging for the past.
well we knew we had the good things,
but those never seemed to last.
oh please just last.

calamine lotion

my balcony garden has gone to bed for the season. i've packed everything up, torn out my lovely plants, piled high the bricks, and taken the pots inside. my once homey and beautiful balcony is now desolate and barren. but that's ok, everything is stored and safe in anticipation for the coming winter, and next spring i'll pull them all out and arrange them once again. the best thing about winter is starting over afterwards.

i'm going increasingly suspicious that i may be invisible.

today is remembrance day. my grandpa mcknight fought in world war one (he was born in 1897), and my other grandpa (who i think of as just my grandpa without having to classify him as "grandpa mckinnion") was a firefighter in world war two. for years i wondered why that was, why didn't he fight? they lived in england, so i didn't really get the chance to ask. after his funeral, my grandma and i sat around looking at old photos, and there were pictures of him in the "fire brigade", meanwhile there were photos of his twin brother in the airforce. i asked my grandma why he was a fireman and not a solider. she told me he was a conscientious objector. i think that's awesome, and i'm so proud of him for taking a stand for something he believed in. my grandpa lived until a week after his 90th birthday (he died on christmas eve 2001), meanwhile his identical-twin brother died of cancer in his 60s. i can't help but wonder if it was somehow related to the war. they're genetic make-up was identical, and yet one developed cancer and the other didn't. was uncle johnny exposed to radiation or something when he was fighting that my grandpa wasn't? during ww1, my grandpa mcknight at one point was stationed in england. he'd come down sick with something, so he couldn't join his platoon when they went over to france. they all died, if he'd gone with them he would have died too. i'm completed amazed by the fact that because he was sick, there have been 4 generations of mcknights. about 40 people have that to thank. wow, life is random and so detailed, filled with domino effects we can't fathom.

i have read the right books to interpret your looks.

sq. ft.

oh my goodness, it's -9º outside (with the windchill), no wonder i was frickin cold when sarah and i drove home tonight.

sometimes i think it's too bad we only get one shot at life. earlier this evening i was at aphra's birthday party, and she has two pet birds. they were quite fascinating, and it made me think having a pet bird would be really neat. they are more interesting and more low-maintenance than fish. but i really like my cats, and i can't see myself opting for a bird over a cat down the road when on the market for new pets. myron said i could have both. perhaps he's right, but i don't think i have room for a birdcage right now. but i'm serious, i wish we had more than one go at life, because there's a lot of things and experiences i'd like to have had – places lived, professions studied, summer jobs, relationships with grandparents/other family members – but really, we can't always have it all ways. i know there are other desires that will come with time, we can't have everything at once, and it's ok to leave those other things (like dreadlocks) to down the road when it's more appropriate.

i sent you something in the mail. it'll be there in 5 to 7 business days.

i woke up this morning feeling like a load of bricks. and i realized, i'm simply a bad-waker-upper. it doesn't matter how many hours i sleep, or at what time i went to bed (mind you it was after 2 a.m.) i still feel exhausted when i wake up. i really liked staying in all day today and not rushing, but it's also kind of annoying that on my ONE free day of the week i just spend it at home instead of downtown. and it's worse now, because daylight is so limited, and i didn't have time to pluck my plants in preparation for winter, i guess that'll have to wait til next weekend, unless i find some time tomorrow.

i hope you're well.

i want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real".

triumph

i like to stagger my disappointments. you know, so they don't all hit me all at once. as a result, i'm feeling optimistic about my plan. my pms is done now so i expect my optimism to last a little while. instead i just have wicked cramps. seriously, at work today i was in so much pain that i felt like i was dying. i'm extremely over-dramatic, but i think it suits me.

someone at work made a comment that i can sometimes be abrupt. this surprised me because i really do put an effort into curbing my annoyance when someone interrupts me when i'm in the middle of doing something. isn't it interesting how the way we perceive ourselves is different to how others perceive us. however, now that this has been brought to my attention i'll make more of an effort. i'm also trying to improve my posture. i've never had great posture, but i improved it twofold near the end of college. but it's still not great. i'm finding my back is hurting when i slouch, so i need to stand up straighter. this is different to when i "slouch" on a couch. couch-slouching. that has got to stay. it's too signature lesley to part with.

i ease us back into traffic.

fold

i'm getting unbelievably tired of taking care of myself. and i'm starting to rebel. as a result i'm slipping into old slobby habits which just make me feel miserable. i'm disgusted by my house, but i don't have the desire to do anything about it. i'm incredibility annoyed at myself for striping my bed this morning before dropping off my laundry at the laundromat, because now i have to put some sheets on my bed and it's delaying me from getting inside it. i think i'm actually procrastinating by writing this entry.

on a less grumpy tone, i came up with the clever plan of keeping an emergency 5 dollars in my desk. i've hidden it inside my second drawer for the odd occasion that i forget my lunch. it's in an envelope labeled "emergency fund". i'm hoping by hiding it i'll forget it's there and won't be tempted to dip into when i have a chocolate emergency or something. i have a drawer full of cookies and crackers, so that should be enough to feed any chocolate impulses. but ya, the emergency fund will prevent future frustration, i'm rather pleased with myself, it's a clever plan.

believe it or not, i really did have a good day. maybe i have an odd way of showing it. or my balloon just gets popped easily. or i'm still pmsing so my moods swing like an axe.

please excuse me, my single bed is waiting to be made. yup, my single bed. my single bed. all i have to say is that it really sux ass.

new words for old desires.

rolodex

i just got home from the weakerthans concert. it was really fun. a big group of us went. ok well if you consider 6 people a big group then it was big. unintentionally, it turned out to be a small cross-section of storytellers anonymous people. al gave me a baggy full of buttons he made. they're really cool, i think he's completely blown my concept of button design out of the water. i'm totally set for cool buttons for the next eon.

i took a nap after from work, i didn't want to get tired at the concert or feel tired tomorrow from being sleep deprived. so i got into bed right when i arrived home at 5, i layed there in the dark for at least a half an hour before i fell asleep. i slept til 8. it wasn't a deep sleep, but it was restful. i think i may have even reached REM sleep.

i like to buy cds at concerts. i rarely buy cds, so i try to make it a policy to purchase them at concerts. because if i like the band enough to see them in concert then it's a safe bet i'll like their new cd, AND it makes the fact that i already downloaded a lot of their music obsolete, AND at 15 bux its a total bargain. when i pulled my new cd out of my vest pocket, i found that on the back they had a little cartoon of the b12, which was one the first snowmobile ever made. and of course, is a bombardier. check that out, isn't it hilarious!

after some serious reflection, i came to an important decision today. i am first and foremost a graphic designer, and secondly a bombardier employee. i'm afraid they're going to try and push me up the corporate ladder in directions i don't want to go. i think i need to make it clear that i'll leave bombardier before i leave design, because all these career goals they're trying to set for me are not what i have in mind. i think knickers is trying to "mentor" me in the only way she knows how, but if i start to clearly direct my own path i think she'd be happy with that. it'll pay to assert myself.

yup, i think my nap did the trick. i'm completely wired. but i suppose if i get into bed like i did at 5:00 earlier today, i'll eventually fall asleep. being in bed is restful even if i'm awake.

i'm unconsoled,
i'm lonely,
i am so much better than i used to be.

squeeze

what is time? it's this crazy bizarre unactual thing, that you couldn't actually produce to save your life. and yet you can see the effects of time. yesterday we all moved our clocks back one hour because the powers that be told us to. so now all of a sudden what was 10:53 last week is 9:53. how real can something be if it can altered if we all agree. how can this be? we wouldn't change the name of a colour (all of a sudden black is blue) just because we all agreed to. this only further confirms my belief that time is not real. it's a man-made structure. this seems to be two streams of thought when it comes to time: 1) time is to be obeyed. 2) time is a guideline, but not the bottom-line. obviously i'm of the second stream, but i'm forced to live by stream one, as most people are. at work i have two mentors, they have opposing opinions of time, and ultimately i have to conform to the one of my boss (which is time is to be obeyed). but honestly, i get so frustrated when people get so consumed by conforming to time that they don't stop to care about people. because ultimately, people and having relationships with them is the important thing. extremely punctual people unnerve me. i think it's good to be on-time, but it fails to be effective when relationships and people suffer as a result. being late is also not good, not because the deadline of time is so imperative. but because of the relationships depending on us. the other day i was a half-hour late for helping melissa rake her yard. she is a very gracious person so she told me it was ok, and it worked out alright because rhonda was there helping her. but if she'd been depending on me, that could have really hurt her, or had some repercussions. so i guess what i'm saying is, people are what matters, not the north-american application of time.

i was so disoriented this morning when i woke up. it turns out that i accidentally set my microwave to the time on my alarm clock (which is about 10 minutes fast – give or take a few minutes i'm not very exact about these things). so when i got up, i was all freaked out because i was late, and i couldn't figure out how that happened. then to make matters worse, i haven't bothered changing my other clocks, so i had to just disregard those ones completely. those clocks have hands (as opposed to digital) so they're not very accurate. the clock in my car is busted and i don't wear a watch. the clocks i passed on the way to work may or may not have been changed already, so i basically arrived to work without actually knowing what time it was. in all the confusion i managed to forget my lunch vehicle with the spaghetti lunch in it that i cooked this morning. SO, i'd wasted the time cooking in the morning, AND it was spoiled because i left it on the kitchen table all day.

when i reached into my backseat to retrieve my lunch vehicle, and discovered it was gone, i had a wave of despair. but then i told myself that i was not going to let that incident snowball into a crappy day. that seemed to do the trick. and when i went out on my (30-minute) lunch break to the closest almost-town to get some food, i quite enjoyed myself.

sometimes i feel like the whole world is on the other side of a dirty windshield.
and i'm tryin to see through the glare,
yes i'm struggling just to see what's there.

misfit

i sat on a stump in rhonda's backyard this afternoon while she was raking, and cried as i rambled on to her. she listened compassionately and would occasionally interject with "i don't know what to tell you". i assured her that was ok, there's really nothing anyone can say. there are no words of comfort. i'd run out of church a couple minutes before it finished, i was upset, and before i reached my car, the tears were sneaking out of my eyes. i drove straight to rhonda's, i intended to just pick up my knitting bag that i'd forgotten there yesterday, then go home to isolate myself for the rest of the day. but she was there when i arrived, and that was probably just what i needed.

things have changed a lot in the last 3.5 years. i've come a long way. i'm glad for my transformation. i'm glad things didn't happen the way i'd wanted them to, but i think i'm better off. my reasons have changed. and so have my motives. i feel good. i feel healthy and yet somehow i feel more powerless than ever. i ran the race, i rose to the challenge, i climbed to the summit, and i'm left feeling "now what?" i don't know where to go from here. the boat set sail without me, i'm sad even though i didn't have a ticket.

i finished my sox. i've started on another pair. i'm using thick needles and thicker yarn this time. i'm thinking/hoping i'll be able to crank these two out. i really enjoy wearing my knitted sox. mind you, these won't be as awesome because they're just plain lime green as opposed to my striped sox.

this is the off week for living room, so i'm just chilling out at home this evening. i'd intended to tidy, do some stuff around the house, have some fun at home. but sometimes things change unexpectedly.

still it's sunday morning,
i miss you the most.

gold

someone actually had to audacity today to say they'd like to see me settle and happy. at first that sounds nice, until realizing the implication that i am unsettled and unhappy. which is actually far from the truth. it got me so angry i could scream, how dare that person belittle me in that way. no wonder i'm so defensive, i'm always having to prove that i'm content, it's not assumed. as i drove home, i steamed over this. i instinctively felt i should just push those feelings away, that it was wrong of me to feel indignant about it. but then i thought "no, that was rude and hurtful of that person. i am legitimately angry over this, and i'll ride it out until i'm over being upset about it". too often i feel unentitled of being angry, but that's wrong. sometimes people do or say inappropriate things, and being angry or upset about it is legitimate. i did confront the person about it, so it's not like i'm just stewing in resentment. and i think that was the right thing to do. you can't expect someone to abide by boundaries if you don't indicate where the lines are.

just for the record, i am a very settled and very happy person. i am complete in my being. not like YOU didn't know that, you're clever enough to put two-and-two together, but just thought i'd say it explicitly to be safe. and because i'll have to keep reassuring myself of this to repair the damage done by someone not thinking.

sometimes i learn things that i wish i hadn't.

i hear everybody that you know is more relevant than everybody that i know.

jubjubes

guess what? last friday, i was at rachel's until something like 1 am, which meant i was too tired to post, which meant... i overlooked pspd's 2 year anniversary! crazy. i think my second year of blogging flew by faster than my first. i'm not certain i did as much in my second year than i did in my first.

i spent a small fortune at the mall today. it's really not what it sounds, but i was AT the mall, and "more than i'd like to have spent" changed hands.

today is my sister's 31st birthday. my sister joy, in case you were wondering. it seems crazy to me to think she's 31. because i have friends that age, i have friends OLDER than her, and yet she still seems older to me. i think it's partly because she's my big sister, but also because she's rather conservative. i got thinking about her today (seeing as it's her birthday), and i'm very grateful for her and all she's done for me. when my parents split, she took over as my surrogate parent. she was just a kid herself. i think that involved a lot of sacrifice on her part, and it probably contributed to her being abnormally mature for her age. i'm sorry for a lot of the troubles in our relationship, we've had our share. i think in many ways i rebelled more against her than my actual parents. for years i resented her, and in truth, that probably stemmed from jealousy. joy is very unusual – her adult-life has gone very smoothly, and COMPLETELY according to plan (except for when it took her a whole FOUR months to get pregnant this last time). my adult life has not gone according to plan in the slightest. i don't know why, i think i resent the reality of that as well. i've compared myself too her too much, always trying to align my life milestones with hers. it was hard for me to get a job in my field, i struggled excruciatingly for several years. while she was offered a job before her graduation. BUT when i did eventually get my job at bbd, i was 23, and as it turned out, she was also 23 when she started teaching. so really, i wasn't behind her at all. when joelle was born, i lamented that joy would probably have her second baby by the time i had my first. but four years later i'm realizing that she'll be long finished having babies by the time i have any. joelle will probably be old enough to babysit them. it just always feels like she's 5 steps ahead of me, and i'm lagging behind calling out "wait up!". i think that's the nature of being the youngest, you feel like you have to follow the path already beaten out. since that one went so smoothly, you question if this harder more challenging one is worth trying out. i think it is, i just hope i'm right.

today i sprayed my elliptical with pam kitchen spray in hopes of making it not squeak. i didn't really work, i need some wd-40. but it did lube it up a bit, so all was not lost.

i've got a halloweenhead –
head full of tricks and treats.

wallet

if the term "chick flick" applied to things other than movies, such as events, evenings, etc. than i would have to say, that i had a chick flick of an evening. i used my elliptical, i had a comfy dinner, i lied around in my pjs reading my book and eating popcorn.

ain't it grand to be a woman? sometimes i see my reflection in the mirror or in a window and am surprised at what an adult i am. i don't feel like one, but evidently a woman in my late 20s. it feels awfully strange. i'm also regularly surprised by how feminine and girly i am. it seems odd that i would grow into a woman unbeknown to me.

oh i don't know, i don't know, oh, where to begin.

dodgy

i just saw the darjeeling limited at the screening room with miss melinda richka. like most of my generation, i am a big fan of wes anderson films, but there hasn't been one that's really floated my boat since the royal tenenbaum. i think the last i saw was the life aquatic, and i didn't particularly enjoy it, although i think that was do to circumstances. ben died that day. this film i really liked, and i'd have to say that adrien brody stole the show for me. i love how wes anderson uses all the same actors, it's really funny.

i'm beginning to wonder if i can bear winter. i realize that i'm not climatized yet, but it's only 11º outside and i'm already thinking "i can't do this". winter feels so foreign to me this year, it's as though it's my first one or something.

i wish my life was as quaint as a wes anderson film. sometimes when i listen to the soundtrack of my life, i get the feeling that the minute details of my life are significant and intentional. like in a movie when even the click of a light-switch is deliberate. perhaps if i slow down and take more notice of such things, i may get the opportunity to really relish them.

you,
are on your way.

epidemic

yesterday i stayed in most of the day and just putsied around the pad. it was loverly. i did meet up with melissa for a late breakfast at the goat, but the rest of the day was spent at home relaxing. ah, it was magical.

i haven't been going to the goat much lately, but being there reminded me of how much i love it. i'm going to try and go there more often. it was just really neat to people watch, everyone was just so different, and there was a plethora of colour. i got the non-traditional breakfast, it was so good! i'll totally get that again, it included beans&rice, roasted potatoes and tomato. very yummy! i'm glad i tried something new :)

i rented "ten canoes" which turned out to be a bit of a bust, i don't know if it was the movie that was making me feel tired, but i decided that since i was tired i should just go to bed! i'm weird that way, i tend to ignore my body when it tells me it's time for bed. so i turned off the light at 9:52. on a saturday night :) apparently i like to be backwards.

i made my first two mixed-cds on friday night. i'm very pleased with them, i think they're great compilations. i'm very excited.

this week is gearing up to be a little on the busy side. i think i have a problem. i don't know how to stop. i want so much to get off this crazy, mental, out of control merry-go-round, but it's not slowing down.

when do you know it's time to quit the book you're reading and start another one? because anne of avonlea is not holding my attention and there's another book that's waiting to be cracked open. one that ticks my fancy a little more. hmm, i wonder where my fancy is. and how does that book know how to find it...

everybody seems to think i'm lazy,
i don't mind, i think they're crazy.
running everywhere at such a speed,
till they find, there's no need.