cinnamon hearts

last night bren, brendan, andrew, shannon, and i drove to peterborough to have a hatch folding party. it went well. it was cold but we were bundled tight in bren's crv. the folding, stapling, and cutting didn't take as long as usual, in total the whole experience (plus drive) took 7 hours. it was a big commitment, but it was good getting that issue wrapped up. it only took a year :p so all of you who thought hatch was dead in the water, you'll have a copy in your grubby little mitts in no time.

shanno and i went to reelout this evening – we saw a teen-angst film called "dare". man, it stressed me out, i literary had knots in my stomach :S it was good though, i liked it. i'm sure if i were to see it again i wouldn't be so anxious, it's hard watching teens feel confused.

brendan broke into my house while i was out and did all my dishes for me. when i say "break in" mean he used my spare key, but still. he was sneaky and it was a great surprise. the funny thing was that while i was with shannon i asked her where b was and she said she didn't know. we concluded that was strange because he's a real homebody and is usually there or at my place. it turns out he was here cleaning my kitchen.

i discovered this evening that i DO know how to crochet after all. HM! fancy that.

i'm gonna go get into bed and read my book. i'm pretty hooked on it. i love great literature.

thank God that i’ve got the things that i’ve got,
but a lot of things i’ve got are things i never knew i needed.

reset

one of my favourite movie quotes of all time is from jurassic park. i'm not a huge fan of the jurassic park trilogy, in fact, i only saw the first one, but this quote comes to mind quite often. "your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should." personally, i find it to be one of the most profound statements of all time. it doesn't just apply to dinosaur making scientists either. how often do people do something simply because they CAN, without giving much thought to IF they should. i subscribe to the philosophy of "everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial". just because you can doesn't mean you SHOULD. just because you CAN doesn't mean you should. just because you can doesn't mean you should.

tell me your secrets and ask me your questions.

query

"though our trails are marked by sorrow"
this is a great line. it's true for me, and is possibly true for you too. in october, i embarked on a new adventure. i didn't know where it would go, or how it would end up. i've noticed many of those around me are holding their breath, when they think of me they wonder "will it last?" or "will she be heartbroken yet again?". to that i say "yes, it will" and "no, she wouldn't". exhale my friends and blog-readers. everything is great, b is here to stay. i feel things deeply; i love deeply, i cry deeply. these things don't change. i'm exactly the same person as i was in october, or last may, or last christmas, or the summer before that. having a life-partner doesn't change who i am, it doesn't cure me from pms, and it doesn't make me less demented (prone to frustration, hurt, judgment, jealousy). it's kind of nice that having a boyfriend doesn't "fix" everything, it just means i have a partner to endure those things with. (and sometimes it means i have someone close enough to me who can get a way with calling me on my bad behaviour.) let's breathe freely. we will soon dance and celebrate together, until then don't worry. there's no need to keep your fingers crossed, because all is well. brendan is here to stay.

my legs and ankle area is cold again today. for the 6th day straight. i need to bring my peruvian legwarmers to work to keep my calves warm.

where we come from we don't know.

dawn

upon this desk lay two batteries. i haven't moved them. i haven't touched them. i want them to remain right here where you left them. they're evidence that you were once in this place. that you filled this room with the sound of your voice. in your mind's eye you can see me in this chair. see me smile and wave at you from here. there are no walls between us.

this is a new day. each day is yet another fresh beginning. i start today with my mouth in check. it will bend to my will, and from it will come my heart.

when i open my mouth they will see my heart....
when i open my mouth they will see my heart....
when i open my mouth they will see my heart....

we still smile and say hello.

intertwined

so i'm back.

brendan and i drove up to toronto to see the last rock plaza central concert. the show was great, although it was really long – but i liked that. they did whatever they wanted, played whatever they wanted, it was cool. it was after all their last planned show. the atmosphere was very relaxed and joyous. we got free t-shirts because we were among the first 100 people. we met up with bren & mike, and cas & matt. then crashed at cas's place.

on the way to TO we stopped at my office to pick up my RPC cd. it was really fun to show b my office, it was like showing him my second bedroom or something, because it's decorated and personalized, and where i spend all my time. he really liked it and was quite impressed. i think it made it really sink in that i have a career job in a professional office. he took all sorts of pictures with his camera, and i took one of him sitting at my desk pretending to work.

the drive was great, b made a mixed cd for the occasion which was a fun surprise. we went to ikea and did some shopping. he hadn't been there since he was a kid, so it was cool to show him the ropes, because as far as home decorating stores go, ikea is pretty neat. i told him when we arrived that i didn't want to spend more than 20 bux, because it's really easy to get carried away there. i did pretty good and only spent 21 :) he bought a super comfy duvet. after that we got lost :S i was incredibly annoyed at myself, because i know my way around TO better than that, BUT i always get lost at least once on a road trip. when we finally got back on track the guitar shop that b wanted to go to was closed. we'd JUST missed it, so we gazed thru the window at all the vintage guitars on display. it looked super cool. we walked queen street and found 4 record stores, and brendan bought an al green record at a place called rotate this – it was a really cool store. as we walked the street we went into tibetian stores and art galleries. we agreed that it's a good thing we don't live there because we'd be poor because the stores are so awesome. this kind of surprised me because i didn't find many cool stores back when i lived there in 2000-02. things have changed a lot. it was neat showing brendan places i used to go and telling him things i used to do.

after that we met up with cas and matt for dinner. we went for vietnamese. it was great to see them again, it was like no time had passed at all. cas's apartment is totally awesome. she lives in an old house converted into apartments, the renovations are fantastic.

we got up early this morning (even though we didn't get back to her place until 3:15am) and hit the road. we made it back to town in time to go to rustle. i was going to help out at special meals, but i was pretty pooped so shannon said they'd manage without me. so i enjoyed a nice long nap this afternoon. i missed being at next this morning, and i missed being at special meals too. but i got to connect with everyone this evening at living room as usual.

i can't believe the weekend has come and gone already. i hope it's a good week :)

you and me sunday driving,
not arriving,
on our way back home.

hazard

there is a slight smell of perm chemicals coming up from the apartment below me. it's a throw back to the 80s for me. all those afternoons with piggy-back curlers in my mullety hair. scent is the biggest memory trigger.

in 8 minutes b and i are supposed to be hitting the road for TO. this is our first roadtrip together. we're meeting up with some fine friends to see the last rock plaza central concert. it should be an extremely great time. anyways, i say "supposed to be" hitting the road because i'm still in my pajamas, need to shower, pack my overnight bag, and my lunchbox full of road munchies. i should probably go.

sometimes i'm too hard on myself and i need to be snapped back to reality. i give my had a little shake to regain my bearings and then feel much better.

the difference is palpable.

i said a prayer and fell asleep.

forest

sometimes when my face is wet i just need someone to spoon me or rub my back. he's good at that. it happens about once a month. eventually he'll be able to console me without finding it alarming. in the newness of the morning everything looked brighter. i decided to do something very optimistic and email my contact person to get my ducks in a row. my ducks aren't marching any place at the moment, but i figured it would give me some peace of mind knowing that they'd fall in line smoothly when the time comes. i'm a proactive person. i find it comforting to take action.

i discovered yesterday that i hate feeling limited. when i hit the glass ceiling i don't handle it well and i bang my fists upon it's surface. in a way that glass ceiling is like a magnifying glass and when the light hits it just so it makes me melt. melt down.

i hear your laugh,
i heard you sing,
i wouldn't change a single thing.

allergic

they've started offering yoga at lunch time, today was the first day. i'm pretty happy about this because i haven't been going to yoga at the Y ever since yogi master dennis resigned. i didn't like his replacement. lunch time yoga is only for a half hour, so it's not quite as in-depth as dennis's class, but that's ok – i always found his 75 minute classes a little too long. there was a good turn out, and i was surprised by how few people had actually done yoga before. in addition to that, i was surprised that not only had they never taken a yoga class before, didn't they appear to really have any idea what it involved. i tried to be helpful before the class began by telling the people around me that they were sitting too close together and would need to be an arms length away from their neighbours. we're all supposed to provide our own yoga mats, i laid mine out on the carpet and went to sign in. while i was in line i noticed that a woman was standing on and around my mat, i watched her wondering what exactly was about to happen. i didn't want to jump to conclusions, but it appeared as though she was commandeering my mat! eventually when she got down on the ground and started doing stretches on it i realized that she had in fact claimed it as her own, even though i have my name clearly written on it. so i had to approach her and said "um, this is my mat", she kind of joked it off, but it was still a little awkward. the class itself was very basic, but still quite good. i definitely felt relaxed, destressed, and more bendy. i have to admit, i felt like quite the pro compared to my colleagues, clearly i learned a thing or two during my year of yoga at the Y, which was neat. it was fun, i'm looking forward to the next class – it's on tuesdays and thursdays.

you know you can.

magnet

shannon and i were at novel idea today so i could pick up a copy of lonely planet cuba and she could get a membership to reel out film festival. while i was there i discovered that my purse was unusually empty for lack of my large 800 page book. i knew almost instantly that i had left it at the Y, which was extra infuriating because it's not the first time i've left a book there never to be recovered. what kind of idiot leaves the gym without double-checking that she has everything in her locker. i was so upset because i've been really enjoying that book (the girl with the dragon tattoo), and it was a gift from beckie, so i said to shanno "i feel like driving to the Y to look for it". she said "let's do it then". we arrived and i rushed in. i didn't see it on the bench where i sat, so i randomly opened a locker unsure if it'd been mine or not, and there was my book on the top shelf. i was so happy. there's nothing more frustrating than having empty hands when the thing you're looking for SHOULD be within arms reach but is not. i never did find my diva cup, i'm glad i bought that new one.

i'm kind of disappointed to discover that the girl with the dragon tattoo is being made into a film. that's super disappointing. it's very compelling and i think a movie would stink compared to the book. that being said, i'll probably go see it, but i'll tell everyone to read it first. i'm only a quarter of the way thru and i give it a lot of stars.

man, i need to get into bed. i need to get up early so i can stop at the gas station on my way to work or else i'm going to run out of petrol between here and millhaven.

there are two things i will carry in my pockets at the end,
oh, my darling, you are one of them.

miss magoog

he said "there she is."

splatter

i took brendan to the bingo hall tonight. it was supposed to be a surprise but he happened to come into my bedroom when i was looking at their website, which ruined the suspense. he agreed to go, but i could tell he wasn't super jazzed. however, he did say that he likes that i come up with unique dates, so that showed he was open to the idea. i was very excited, i've been wanting to go to a bingo hall on a date since last summer when i played bingo for the first time. i thought it would be perfect for a first date because it's an activity and yet you have lots of time to chat between games. b and i have been dating for long enough that we no longer require an ice breaker like bingo but i still thought it would be fun. he found it trippy at first, and kept saying "i can't believe i'm here". we got our papers and our dabblers and were all set. we made a few rookie mistakes at first, and were a little slow – which meant we missed a few – but eventually we really got into the swing of things, and it was very fun. it's an interesting atmosphere. first of all, it's full of old women. second, there are some serious bingo players there with dabber purses. but the most interesting thing is that in that large room it's really quiet and relaxing. we felt pretty peaceful. the most awesome part was that b won 50 bux. when he first got a line he said bingo at regular volume. the ladies around us said "say it louder or they'll keep going", so he tried again but still wasn't loud enough. he looked at me and said "what do i do?" and i said "say bingo". the ladies continued to gang up on him, but he charmingly told them "i'm a first timer, everyone be patient", after that they were very supportive. thankfully one of the runners arrived and called out his card number, which proved he'd won and she then doled out 50 dollars in cash. it was so funny, i giggled for a long while after. all i could think was "i took brendan to a bingo hall and he won 50 bux". too hilarious.

the time when kindness falls like rain,
it washes me away.

winter

i believe in questioning the norm.

i don't want to do anything simply because "that's what's done". there's nothing wrong with the norm, and after giving situations great thought i may very well choose the normal approach. but i think it's an important process for me to go through. to give something serious thought and consideration, and then decide if that's the best choice. i feel that by doing so it gives more significance to what i'm doing, and i live with greater conviction because i know these are my choices. i wonder how many people baptize their babies just because that's what they're "supposed to do" and not because they really believe in it or gave it a lot of thought.

on the occassions when i decide to take a different path then the norm, again i feel good about it because i know it's the best choice for me. i worry sometimes that people will get the impression that i judge them or look down on them if they choose different to me, because that is not the case. since i make decisions based on what works for my situation, finances or energy level, i trust that my friends are making the decisions that are best for them. one friend might buy a house while another might choose to live at home with her parents. one might be married to her academic persuits while another might marry her highschool sweetheart. i like that we all have the freedom to choose what's best for our circumstances. just because i have strong opinions about my own lifestyle doesn't mean i disagree with the one you pick for yourself. i trust you, and i know that we're different. there might be times when i'll ask my friends about the choices they make/made. again, it's not about me questioning their judgement, but rather curiousity about how they reached that decision. it's really interesting!

we're always changing.

math

i find that life is a bit of a teeter-totter. i'm trying to find the balance of "just right". i've been noticing lately that i have difficulty determining between can and should. it's dawned on me that just because something is built for a greater capacity doesn't necessarily mean it should operate on that level. for just one arbitrary example, let's consider cars. just because my car is built to run at a maximum speed of 220 km/h doesn't mean i should ever drive it at that speed. the reason why i've been thinking about this is because i think i've been pushing my body beyond its proper operating level simply because i didn't realize its maximum capacity is not the target. it occurred to me that i eat most meals until i get that full sensation. i'm trying to back peddle a little now, recognizing that my body is trying to tell me something. just because i can, doesn't mean i should. or at the Y for example, just because i can run faster, doesn't mean i should. i'm not actually participating in a race. i'm there to get a healthy level of exercise, and it turns out that my target heart-rate should be 124. when i first discovered that i was annoyed and thought "i can go faster than that!", but after not receiving any results i did some research and it turns out that i burn less calories the faster i go. so just because i CAN run faster, doesn't mean i should. i like finding that happy medium. that middle ground of moderation. i'm making progress, figuring it out. although, i find it strange that at 30 i'm still just getting used to my body and understanding how to sustain it. i have as of yet to get the hang of other elements of life too - most elements actually.

it's interesting seeing the way b and my interactions change, almost on a weekly basis. slowly i'm relinquishing parts of my life that i was afraid to let go of - mostly my independence. we are gradually thinking more in plural. integrating two lives is a long process, and i've been pleasantly surprised to find that my surroundings are being filled with newness. i don't think it ever occurred to me that i would gain something new as i let go of the familiar. i don't think it's as scary as i thought it would be, it's nice actually. and i find it funny when he sasses me - i like it, it shows he gets my sense of humour. he's my guy. my best friend.

we've been 10 minutes apart our whole lives.

sometimes a girl and her pal shanno leave for cuba in 5 weeks!!! and when that happens it's frickin' awesome! sometimes anticipation makes everything so much awesomer.

we are fever,
we ain't born typical.

verdict

i walked home from bren's late last night. it was cold and i tried to walk briskly. as i moved along the sidewalk i thought about how handy it is that i have a pal that lives down the street from me. not since i was 7 years old have i had a friend who lived so close by. although, there was that time when beckie lived down the street from me, so i suppose my previous statement is incorrect. anyways, i like having friends close by, and i'm grateful that so many of my friends live within walking distance to my house. some live farther than others, and in the summer time it's quite a nice walk, while in the winter i'd be less inclined to hike down the bagot under the cover of night.

it feels sadly ironic that those who once befriended the homeless are now kind of homeless themselves. where will they lay their heads?? i dunno.

we all love...
like battalions.
we all love...
with abandon.
we all love...

like it's breathing.
we all love...
after our hearts stop beating.

pavement

i have this disability. it seems i'm 'disable' to get to work on time. i've struggled with this for over half a dozen years. last night i was in bed early and i slept super well, got up on time, and yet i still managed to get to work 7 minutes late :S i'm not time conscious, but i do feel much better when i'm punctual. it helps me start the day off on the right foot. i decided to buy a new battery for the clock in my bathroom. it died over a year go, and i figured replacing it would make for mighty good results.

i've come to the realization, that contrary to what one would expect of me (as a person of faith), i'm actually quite a superstitious person. it was my good friend beckie who first pointed it out to me. even after realizing this, and knowing that it's really so contrary to what i believe, it's still a really hard habit to break. how it works in my head is if i say "i've never broken a bone before" i completely expect to break a bone in the near future – so i avoid making such statements. that's example isn't really a big deal, where it begins to be a problem is when i have confidence that the future is going to work out well. i immediately think the things i want to come to fruition, won't. and that's scary. but i have got to quick thinking that way, because it's paralyzing and unfounded. perhaps all the things in my past that i hoped would work out but didn't, were purely coincidental. i'm not actually being spited! which is a relief! so i should live celebrating that fact, and live hoping for the best, while recognizing that somethings don't work out as planned so i should be open to plan b, plan c, or plan z.

time is not a thing that's ours to lose.

satire

i've had a really nice weekend. and on top of that it's been relaxing.

i like how life is a living organism of its own. it's always moving and changing. it doesn't remain static, even if we wanted it to. sometimes that's hard, because we find ourselves in moments that we'd like to freeze. kind of hit the pause button right then, and remain right there. watching life as we know it slip thru our fingers can be difficult. but in other times it's lovely the way it moves like water, staying the same yet changing form. every day is new. every year different. i think it's this transient nature of life that can make it hard to live in the present. we're often looking forward, or looking backward, sometimes looking sideways. i'm not certain what the key is to being fully present. especially when being fully aware of where you came from and where you're going is so critical to knowing who you are. i don't know where each of you are at, but may you fully appreciate this stage and phase of your life. may you recognize the best parts of your days (and nights), and know this time is special because it's fleeting.

we're back in sync.

i am the heart that you call home.

gluten

i was thinking on my way into work today,
that without intending to i've adopted a life motto:

make good decisions

at first glance one might think "hm, ok". it seems reasonable, but i really feel that that statement, that act of making good decisions is the key. we've talked before at living room about how much of our own personal griefs has been the result of the decisions or actions that we ourselves made. we often find ourselves in tough situations as a result of our own poor judgement, or sometimes it's the result of some one else's poor choices. maybe you disagree, but in my own life that has been true. i think it's important to emphasize that "make good decisions" is not about picking the path of least resistance, or about being lazy. sometimes making good decisions means choosing a hard or challenging path - it's not about "easy". i think it's the kind of thing that has long term value as opposed to a quick fix. good decisions also really impact the lives of others around us. perhaps in our decision making we need to be mindful of why we make the choices we make. i don't think that it necessarily means we won't do certain things, but i think we should really ask what the benefit is, and to who, before proceeding. some decisions don't have bad end results but may not particularly have beneficial impacts either. i think there's a lot more to our choices than the things we do and say at the present time, and the reality of those choices are sometimes far reaching. things like: who to marry, how many kids to have, where to work, where to live, how to spend our money, how to spend our time. these are important decisions! and i think there's a lot more to it than what kind of lifestyle we want.

i haven't always made good decisions in the past. i've chosen "difficult" as opposed to "valuable" or "life-giving". but i think in recent years i've made positive decisions - often with the input of others.

when i chose to stay at my job i really had to consider it from every angle. i was surprised by what i discovered:
1. my job gives me freedom - evenings and weekends to spend time with people and in activities that matter to me.
2. it allows me peace of mind and freedom of headspace. if i was working as a freelance graphic designer much of my headspace would be taken up with where i could get my next project from, will i have enough income to make ends-meet. it would also distract me from my activities knowing that "i really should get home and keep working on such-and-such".
3. it provides me with money to cover my own expenses, give to organizations and people i want to support, and to travel once or twice a year. the reality is, if i had more money i'd just give more away, i'm thankful because i have all my bases covered (i wouldn't want a more extravagant lifestyle). being able to give money to others is important to me, it means giving freedom to others, and that's something i feel is worth investing in. (i don't think money is bad, it's really a question of how we make it and how we spend it.)

so in the end, i decided to stay put. it felt good making that decision, that alone was freeing - to know that i'm here by choice, and that it's a good choice.

i feel that making good decisions makes for an uncomplicated life. it doesn't always mean that it's easy, but it can be clear and uncluttered. life is challenging enough on it's own, it's best to not add to the chaos.

we are full of light that blinds us at the moment of our most needing.

conquer

this is the time of year when everything thing is itchy. every inch of me is aching with dry skin and it's to the point that i haven't even been bothering to fight it, because it's futile. even after moisturizing my legs they're still itchy itchy itchy. oh how i miss the hot humid days of summer. although, i have to admit, winter is rarely as bad as i expect it to be. true, we're only at the beginning on january but the temperature hasn't really dipped beneath -20 (without the windchill factor, and some find the windchill factor inaccurate). at first it's terrible, but once i adjust, it's generally not so bad. at lunch time i strap on my snow pants and wear many layers to shield myself from the elements, which means i'm fully covered for my usual jaunt around our defunct train factory. it makes for a more bulky walk, but it's a walk nonetheless. don't get me wrong, i would much prefer walking in flip-flops and a summer dress, when the sun beats down from the sky and a warm breeze blows my hair about. BUT i'm adaptable.

yesterday when i drove home from work i passed 2 beautiful deer on the side of the road, they were just hanging out. i think they'd just ran across the street. i'm glad they didn't dash out in front of me, because up until then i wasn't really paying attention to what i was doing (ie driving). it's weird that the word deer is both purl and singular.

i'm really enjoying my job - for probably the first time. there have been times when i've liked my job, and times i've hated my job. the interesting thing about that is there's one consistent element that affects my love or hate. basically the times i've loved my job is when i've been able to work independently, the times i've disliked my job is when my independence has been taken away from me. don't get me wrong, i'm good at working in a team, but i prefer being alone. now that i have a new boss, and specially a new transatlantic boss, i have the freedom to work independently all the time. it's fantastic. yes, i'm certain that i'm an introvert. there's all sorts of different introverts, some are more insular than others. i'm an extroverted introvert, or an outgoing introvert. i like people very much, but also really like being alone. that's probably why i like writing. sometimes it's hard to determine an introvert from an extrovert, because extroverts come in different shapes and sizes as well. i've known some extroverts to be socially awkward, or shy, or to play second fiddle. i'm probably more friendly than a lot of extroverts, but that's a learned skill. anyways, this new work situation is suiting me perfectly.

i'm a fortunate girl in every way.

beginners luck

it seems i have a burnt tongue right now. i don't even know when i last burnt it, but it's kind of peeling similar to a sun burn. sorry, is that gross? anyways. it's an odd sensation because there isn't really any feeling in that part of tongue.

there's a man at my work - he's really super nice (early 50s, adoring father of 3 college aged girls, has a loving wife, very friendly and helpful) - who's just been given a year to live. that's always terrible news, but somehow extra hard when it's someone everyone likes and admires. i don't know him well, but even i can't imagine what it will be like without him, i can't possibly imagine how his family and friends feel. he was away for most of december (as they were trying to determine the problem), but now he's back in the office. i was very surprised to hear that, especially given the fact that he's on the clock. but he said "i have 3 girls in university", so he's going to keep working until he's too sick. i can't imagine that, but i suppose when you have kids or people depending on you, you make decisions that are in their best interest. it would be interesting - having that foreknowledge that this is your last winter, or last christmas, or last whatever. he's the kind of guy who would go out with style, i wish him the best.

i don't want to fight anymore,
i just want to lay my hand on the side of your neck
as the words come rushing out in the night.

proper noun

today...
at the Y...
i did THE best parallel parking job EVER.
it was textbook.

followed by a really great work-out. man, as i keep up this momentum i'll be in a more comfortable body in no time. i went prepared to have a Y shower after. which is great. i love Y showers. not only do i get to stand up (my home shower is a sit-down shower), but i'm also not in a rush. while i was there and already naked i decide to hop into the sauna for a little bit. that was great. as i lied there i felt myself unwinding and felt really restful, as well as cozily warm. the only downside is that i didn't get home until 7:15.

going back to work this morning was ok. it was tough tearing myself out of my comfy bed, but once i was up it was totally fine. sometimes i don't mind my cubicle. there's something nice about being in a place where everything i need is within arms reach. i'm far more organized there than i am at home, and i think that's because i have so much less stuff and space to work with.

sometimes i'm simply unreasonable.

i have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men.

honk

two years ago i declared the year "my year of doing things i've never done before" – it was great. last year, in order to continue the concept i declared it "my year of doing things i didn't do last year", this year will be "another year of doing things i've never done before". this evening as i sat in my kitchen eating sunflower seeds and staring blankly at the walls it occurred to me that the number of things "never done before" by one individual is infinite. i liked that. it means i'll never run out of things to do to challenge myself.

in keeping with that theme, i did two things i've never done before today. this morning i mc'ed the church service at next with all the privileges and obligations that go along with that. then this afternoon, b and i went to see avatar 3D. neither of us have ever been to a 3D movie before. it was trippy. i can't help but wonder if eventually all movies will be in 3D. i'm not sure how i feel about that. there's nothing wrong with traditional movies, they entertain just fine. the occasional 3D flick will be cool, but i hope they don't dominate the market in my lifetime. there were a few times when b and i both thought we were going to get hit in the face with things flying out of the screen. it definitely lends itself to making you feel like you're right there in the film. which is suppose is the point.

i wore a skirt that august day. i hiked it up above my knee as we walked along the sidewalk.

both a beginning and an end.

went

this afternoon i attended my very first kids hockey game. kieran was playing and invited me along to watch. he did fantastically. he scored 6 of his teams 8 goals, the other team got 2. it was very fun. i feel like i'm learning about hockey culture. between the melles and the lorimers i'm being schooled. in fact, i watched an entire hockey game for the first time ever on boxing day. unfortunately, it was that awful canada-latvia game where CAN smoked LAT 16 to nothing. yikes!

i was telling various folks today that i feel ready to return to work on monday. i think that shows that i've had a very restful holiday. that combined with the fact that i have a new boss, i feel good about that change.

i usually like to set very attainable new year's resolutions. things that are easy to achieve but something i have to be intentional about in order to make the change. a number of years ago my plan was to stop wasting food - mission accomplished. 2 years ago, it was stop using plastic bags - done and done. last year was correct my posture. i haven't succeeded as well as i would've liked. i think i made some progress but haven't completely changed my slouching. i'll keep working on that. anyways, 2010 will be my year of saying no. i need to learn to say no to excessive activities/obligations. it's hard, and i'm not good at that. partly because i always feel like i need a GOOD reason to say no, and partly because i want to say yes. but i've been struggling to stay on top of my life and it's taken it's toll. i think that's why my vacation this week was so awesome, because i planned not to plan anything. i took one day at a time, really enjoyed myself, and yet still did a lot of fun/cool things. yes, i will strive to live more like i do in vacation mode - if that's possible.

so this is the new year,
and i don't feel any different.

regal

today's been a funny day. i've liked it, although i find it amusing.

b and i went for a long walk at little cataraqui conservation area. i didn't realize there was a charge to enter that park. that was kind of sucky, but we wandered around there for quite a long time, so we got our money's worth. it was nice, the weather was good, and brendan even fed chickadees from his hand! b got a camera for christmas and takes it every where he goes – apparently he's documenting his entire life. he got a picture of the little chickadee eating from his palm. afterwards we went to coffee way, where we sat and reveled in the fact that coffee way doesn't need to be anything other than what it is to be great.

this evening we went bowling with my mom and her friend garry. it was really funny. first of all, it was cosmos bowling so there was a black light and a disco ball. i've never been much of a bowler, but i actually did really well in both games. i lead the score by far in both, but in the end was surpassed by everyone. b and i were neck and neck for a while, and i kept hoping i'd kick his butt, but in the end he finished with 2 strikes – which left him with 119, and i had 97 :S i like how he brings the competitive side in me. it was a fun activity to do with my mom and garry, not something i ever expected to do with her, but it was her idea. she surprised me by being pretty good at it. hilarious. a night to remember fore sure.

i feel good about 2010. i think it'll be a fun year. i'm going to cuba with shannon in february. and brendan and i are going to cambodia in the summer. what happened to my plans to quit my job, you ask? well, after much thought and prayer, i've decided to stay put until a natural time of transition comes along (which could come sooner than expected – who knows! my job security is regularly in question because of the state of the world, etc). also, i spent a lot of time considering my priorities (where i want to place my energies, where/how i can be most effective, how can i help change the world, etc) and concluded that for the time being... staying in kingston – among my friends, with my family, part of the next community – is the best place for me to be. how can i be the kind of friend i want to be, to the people who matter most to me, when i'm on the other side of the world?? i know it would be possible to keep up friendships from across the world, but it's not necessary right now. in case you're wondering... i'm not staying for brendan. that being said, his role in my life has fulfilled many of the reasons i wanted to go in the first place – so i guess i could say that i'm in part choosing not to leave because of brendan. ask me more about it later if you want, there's too much to say to explain in one blog entry. anyways, all that being said, i think 2010 will be a gooder. 2009 was full of adventure, and no doubt this year will be too :)

make me strong and further bold.