i'm a little chilly this evening, but i don't want to use my space heater. i just need to wear more clothes and use more blankets because i got a hydro bill 2 times much as i usually pay. argh.
bob's comment earlier today got me thinking. in the movie "before sunset" they're talking and jesse tells celine that there have been studies that observe people who have become paralysed and people who won the lottery. these studies have shown that after about 6 months the person's life goes back to normal. if the lottery winner was usually pessimistic then they'll just be a rich pessimist. if the paraplegic was usually optimistic, after adjusting and mourning they'll maintain their optimistic outlook. i find that amazing. amazingly awesome and amazingly accurate. while its true, some circumstances may improve the quality of your life (not having an abusive boyfriend, not starving, not being ill), your outlook will always remain the same. when it comes to being single, i feel so strongly that if you're miserable without a boyfriend, you'll remain miserable once snagging a man. we have to be secure in ourselves before being happy in a relationship. i've said it before "you can't make a salad with rotten vegetables" – you can't have a healthy relationship if you're unhealthy. i am happy, i just don't want a relationship. anyway... what i'm trying to say is bob is completely right and i echo his sentiments – happiness is a result of the choices we make, not from the people or things around us. i wish i'd known that when i was younger, but i know that now and i suppose that's what's important. i always thought happiness was a warm gun, but i guess not. who knew?!?
top 10 current events & paraphernalia of lesley's life*:
*excluding the most obvious
1) an amusing lopsided toilet
2) fabulous long night sleeps
3) a tidy maxipad
4) social detox
5) work pants and airwalk boots
6) cinnamon candies
7) the living room motley crew
8) one paid off student loan
9) cream cheese
10) a kitty who sleeps on my feet
i'm going to rustle on sunday for the first time. i'm looking forward to it. i've been wanting to go for a while, but decided to go on a day when there's no living room in the evening. so this sunday is the big day. are they ready for me? am i ready for them???
it's true that if i walk away i'll end up right here.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
in on around
things are never as they seem. or at least they never are how you imagined them to be. i got my new toilet today and its not all that i'd dreamed of. there's definitely a problem when you have to wait for something for extended periods of time. it gets built up in your mind as this really awesome thing that will change your life. its a nice little toilet, but the shape of its base is different to the old one and the old platform is exposed. AND i think its sloped. i have a lopsided toilet. but i think that's the fault of my floor. regardless, its still a huge improvement. its nice not having a rocking toilet anymore. well that's enough about that....
well they've rented out the downstairs apartment. so long kevin and amy, hello dick and jane. ok those aren't their real names, i don't know their names yet so i'm improvising. this evening i wrote out my rent cheques for the next year. oddly enough, writing 2008 didn't feel THAT strange. i did find myself wondering "what will have changed by october 2007?" i marvel at that thought. always do. i like the feeling of the future being a mystery that i uncover.
this evening i cooked dinner and wore an apron. i danced around and wrote postcards. i'm feeling very well-adjusted. cozy and lovely.
i wonder if time actually stands still and it's us who keep moving forward.
i was reading a chapter of a corrie ten boom book this evening and it choked me up. grey's anatomy got me all teary-eyed last week. i wonder if i'm getting softer. for years i was so staunched, believe it or not i never talked about my feelings. i'm glad i overcame that, its less confining. i feel like water.
i still will be your shelter
through rain and through storm.
well they've rented out the downstairs apartment. so long kevin and amy, hello dick and jane. ok those aren't their real names, i don't know their names yet so i'm improvising. this evening i wrote out my rent cheques for the next year. oddly enough, writing 2008 didn't feel THAT strange. i did find myself wondering "what will have changed by october 2007?" i marvel at that thought. always do. i like the feeling of the future being a mystery that i uncover.
this evening i cooked dinner and wore an apron. i danced around and wrote postcards. i'm feeling very well-adjusted. cozy and lovely.
i wonder if time actually stands still and it's us who keep moving forward.
i was reading a chapter of a corrie ten boom book this evening and it choked me up. grey's anatomy got me all teary-eyed last week. i wonder if i'm getting softer. for years i was so staunched, believe it or not i never talked about my feelings. i'm glad i overcame that, its less confining. i feel like water.
i still will be your shelter
through rain and through storm.
Monday, January 29, 2007
lease
i am completely entranced. i just watched "the ghost and the darkness". holy crap! it was really awesome. actually, i don't even know if awesome is a strong enough word. it completely awe inspiring, that's for sure. like i said... entranced. whoa, its the story of these two man-eating lions in kenya. dita told me about it when i was there, they killed about 50 workers as they built the railroad alone (around 140 in total). she told me that they recently did an autopsy on these lions and found they had a terrible over-bite which would have made it difficult for them to eat animals (because they have a thicker hide). anyway, it was really awesome, i have it for another week if anyone else would like to see it. one thing that really struck me is, there's something unusual about the kind of people who would run towards trouble. for example, when the lions would attack the village, everyone would run except for a few brave men who took it upon themselves to defend the others. people like that are made of something special. here's another link it shows the actual lions in the museum in chicago where they now reside (dead). interesting fact... they were maneless males. odd huh?
it was pretty amazing to see kenya in a movie and think "i've been there!" i saw crescent island a scene from taken from close to eburu. i think watching it made finally hit me "i've been to africa!!" i know that might sound odd, but its the kind of thing that just seems so natural to me. its something i've done, like gone to school or ride a bike, that sometimes i even forget! i know, its ridicules. apparently novelty is lost on me. but wow, that is pretty astounding.
i've recently discovered a love for wikipedia. i could spend countless hours clicking thru there. that's how i learned about the 8 qualifications of what makes something a country. such non-countries include: taiwan, scotland, greenland... quebec.
anyway, sad news... the plumber arrived at 6:30 to take a look at my toilet and announce that there's no valve and he'd have to turn off the water in the whole building so that would have to be done later. so disappointing. however, my landlord's mother is going to let him in tomorrow afternoon. i'm not thrilled to think of her snooping around my house when i'm not here, but i agreed because i want my frickin new toilet already!
i was kind of, sort of busy at work today. not a lot, but i have a few things to be working on. so perhaps this is the beginning of things starting to pick-up. here's hopin.
close your eyes, child, and listen to what i'll tell you.
it was pretty amazing to see kenya in a movie and think "i've been there!" i saw crescent island a scene from taken from close to eburu. i think watching it made finally hit me "i've been to africa!!" i know that might sound odd, but its the kind of thing that just seems so natural to me. its something i've done, like gone to school or ride a bike, that sometimes i even forget! i know, its ridicules. apparently novelty is lost on me. but wow, that is pretty astounding.
i've recently discovered a love for wikipedia. i could spend countless hours clicking thru there. that's how i learned about the 8 qualifications of what makes something a country. such non-countries include: taiwan, scotland, greenland... quebec.
anyway, sad news... the plumber arrived at 6:30 to take a look at my toilet and announce that there's no valve and he'd have to turn off the water in the whole building so that would have to be done later. so disappointing. however, my landlord's mother is going to let him in tomorrow afternoon. i'm not thrilled to think of her snooping around my house when i'm not here, but i agreed because i want my frickin new toilet already!
i was kind of, sort of busy at work today. not a lot, but i have a few things to be working on. so perhaps this is the beginning of things starting to pick-up. here's hopin.
close your eyes, child, and listen to what i'll tell you.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
ziggy
i'm exhausted so i'm gonna skip desperate housewives, write this entry, then get into bed.
it was a good day, although i was on edge for part of it. i could've definitely used the superpower to shape-shift into something else seeing as i desperately wanted to blend into the wall at one point.
i went out for lunch with catherine and kristin, which turned out to be an utter surprise and i really enjoyed myself. they'd never met before, but we all talked quite freely and bonded as we shared past problems that continue to plague us.
at mid-afternoon i met up with victor at the goat – you know... victor my friend from kenya?? it was neat and sort of trippy since we've never known each other outside of africa before. he said as he left that he almost expected to find himself walking down the dirt roads of kijabe. while we were there melissa walked in, i saw her looking around in search of something. i called out to her "melissa!" and she said "oh there she is". she'd seen my car out front and came in to say hello. victor invited her to join us, and she was a nice addition to our conversation.
we had living room this evening, and as usual that was a great event. lots of good discussion although we have a problem keeping on topic.
i've been having this odd sensation in my foot today. i thought it was connected to my edgy-ness, a kind of stress induced affliction. but i'm now wondering if it's not. oh by the way, after taking neocitran that night my emerging cold dissipated. its good stuff.
i'm only alive with you.
i can't get by and i won't get through.
it was a good day, although i was on edge for part of it. i could've definitely used the superpower to shape-shift into something else seeing as i desperately wanted to blend into the wall at one point.
i went out for lunch with catherine and kristin, which turned out to be an utter surprise and i really enjoyed myself. they'd never met before, but we all talked quite freely and bonded as we shared past problems that continue to plague us.
at mid-afternoon i met up with victor at the goat – you know... victor my friend from kenya?? it was neat and sort of trippy since we've never known each other outside of africa before. he said as he left that he almost expected to find himself walking down the dirt roads of kijabe. while we were there melissa walked in, i saw her looking around in search of something. i called out to her "melissa!" and she said "oh there she is". she'd seen my car out front and came in to say hello. victor invited her to join us, and she was a nice addition to our conversation.
we had living room this evening, and as usual that was a great event. lots of good discussion although we have a problem keeping on topic.
i've been having this odd sensation in my foot today. i thought it was connected to my edgy-ness, a kind of stress induced affliction. but i'm now wondering if it's not. oh by the way, after taking neocitran that night my emerging cold dissipated. its good stuff.
i'm only alive with you.
i can't get by and i won't get through.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
peace
beckless has become a grandma of sorts. her puppy fiona just had some puppies of her own. i'd like to expose their splendor to the world. they're little bitty huskies.i've had a good day, i tidied my house. i can actually see my desk! ah, its nice. i'm glad i opted to tidy instead of loaf around, being active and dancy is rejuvenating and good for my mental-health. i like having a tidy house. AND i like feeling like i've used my time well.
i went out with melissa to help her window shop for a new couch – minus the window, we actually sat on some. after that we went to chapters and got a drink + a snack at starbuck. we had a lovely time. i enjoy her company, plus she's a good influence on me. this evening i met up with alison at the goat. it was so nice to see her, its been a while! if i'm lucky i'll get to see her again next month! i'm sure i sound like a broken record, but i usually have a really great time with ALL my friends. and usually for all sorts of different reasons. i connect with everyone in different ways, but in general spending time with friends makes me smile and laugh and that's ALWAYS a good thing.
i just shoveled my walkway for the first time. it was cold and handling the shovel got my heart a pumping. that's rather pathetic considering its really not a big pathway. i need to do more cardio.
what do you do when cool jobs turn boring? i'm gonna hang in there and hope things pick up. that would happen anywhere and these are extenuating circumstances. but really, if i had to choose, i would opt for a dull job with an interesting personal life as opposed to the other way around.
the other day i forget my neighbour's name AGAIN! argh! so i used canada 411 and used the reverse search to find out her first initial. i think its ruth. i'm hoping so, because i really like her and feel bad about forgetting. i'm apparently not as good with names as i once was.
you see her, you can't touch her.
you hear her, you can't hold her.
you want her, you can't have her.
you want to, but she won't let you.
Friday, January 26, 2007
forest
where to begin???
i just got home from the artel where the bicycles were playing. it was a really good show, they're great performers. i like that the only girl in the band is the drummer – that strikes me as unusual, but i could be wrong.
i went out for dinner with meghan first, and vanessa joined us later. they are both small girls, and i felt like i towered over them. i made a comment about being the tallest when meghan pointed out that vanessa is actually taller than me. huh. i was VERY surprised to hear this. i have this inability to determine my size – i always thought i was a on the taller size of average. so i'm shocked to discover i'm that short! i had no clue.
i was listening to cuff the duke today and it hit me... i can no longer relate to love songs. not happy love songs or even broken-hearted love songs. i wish there weren't so many blinkin' love songs. its annoying, not to mention disappointing when i dig the music of a song but not the lyrics.
mark this down. start a line count on the wall, i think i'm coming down with my first cold of 2007. seriously, i'm going to keep track of how many i get. lately i feels like i'm always sick with SOMETHING. i should be drinking neocitran right now instead of milk. i'm actually craving iced tea, but there was no way i was gonna stop on the way home because its just too cold out.
oh exciting news!!! i'm getting a new toilet!! i don't know when exactly, the plumber called when i was at work to set up a time. but if all goes well by this time next week i may have a new porcelain throne.
there are ghosts from my past
who've owned more of my soul
than i thought i had given away.
i just got home from the artel where the bicycles were playing. it was a really good show, they're great performers. i like that the only girl in the band is the drummer – that strikes me as unusual, but i could be wrong.
i went out for dinner with meghan first, and vanessa joined us later. they are both small girls, and i felt like i towered over them. i made a comment about being the tallest when meghan pointed out that vanessa is actually taller than me. huh. i was VERY surprised to hear this. i have this inability to determine my size – i always thought i was a on the taller size of average. so i'm shocked to discover i'm that short! i had no clue.
i was listening to cuff the duke today and it hit me... i can no longer relate to love songs. not happy love songs or even broken-hearted love songs. i wish there weren't so many blinkin' love songs. its annoying, not to mention disappointing when i dig the music of a song but not the lyrics.
mark this down. start a line count on the wall, i think i'm coming down with my first cold of 2007. seriously, i'm going to keep track of how many i get. lately i feels like i'm always sick with SOMETHING. i should be drinking neocitran right now instead of milk. i'm actually craving iced tea, but there was no way i was gonna stop on the way home because its just too cold out.
oh exciting news!!! i'm getting a new toilet!! i don't know when exactly, the plumber called when i was at work to set up a time. but if all goes well by this time next week i may have a new porcelain throne.
there are ghosts from my past
who've owned more of my soul
than i thought i had given away.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
unique
today i was over in the board room plotting the artwork for the walls, and it dawned on me... isn't it amusing that it's called a board room, because like really... it's just like "bored room".
i heard someone say today "you can't go around grief, you have to go thru it". unfortunately its true, grief is part of the experience. although, its like a badge of honour.
being on-time for work always puts me in a good mood. i had such an enjoyable day and for no particular reason. it was just a regular day, but i'm feeling mentally healthy. well-balance. free.
this afternoon i had a cookie with a cup of tea. i don't enjoy a mid-afternoon cookie without my orange pekoe. over christmas at joy's we were eating squares, but i waited for my tea to steep. joy asked me what i was waiting for and i explained i didn't want them separately. she rolled her eyes and said "you're your father's daughter". i didn't realize, but he's the exact same way. i'm always intrigued by the "nature-nurture" debate. my dad left home when i was 10, and don't fully remember what it was like living with him. i'm always blown away when people remark on how much i'm like him, because it's not from loads of quality time. i'm actually a lot like my mom too. joy and i are both equally like both parents, but we're the exact opposite parts. we're like two pie's that have been split and swapped or something. i don't know if that makes any sense. when i was at joy + tim's the other week, we were talking and tim said "you know, you two are more alike than you think", i told him "that makes sense, we're cut from the same cloth".
i'm intrigued by human nature. we all know that people lie, and yet it never occurs to us that people lie to us. its kind of annoying when you believe what a person says meanwhile they've deceived you. i wish people wouldn't lie. i wish i wouldn't lie. i suppose a good start is to not do things you have to cover up by lying. i feel kind of weird to admitting to lying on pspd, but everyone does it (or has at some point) and i'm no exception. if you say you don't... you're lying!
back in a time when my voice only traveled as far as i could shout.
i heard someone say today "you can't go around grief, you have to go thru it". unfortunately its true, grief is part of the experience. although, its like a badge of honour.
being on-time for work always puts me in a good mood. i had such an enjoyable day and for no particular reason. it was just a regular day, but i'm feeling mentally healthy. well-balance. free.
this afternoon i had a cookie with a cup of tea. i don't enjoy a mid-afternoon cookie without my orange pekoe. over christmas at joy's we were eating squares, but i waited for my tea to steep. joy asked me what i was waiting for and i explained i didn't want them separately. she rolled her eyes and said "you're your father's daughter". i didn't realize, but he's the exact same way. i'm always intrigued by the "nature-nurture" debate. my dad left home when i was 10, and don't fully remember what it was like living with him. i'm always blown away when people remark on how much i'm like him, because it's not from loads of quality time. i'm actually a lot like my mom too. joy and i are both equally like both parents, but we're the exact opposite parts. we're like two pie's that have been split and swapped or something. i don't know if that makes any sense. when i was at joy + tim's the other week, we were talking and tim said "you know, you two are more alike than you think", i told him "that makes sense, we're cut from the same cloth".
i'm intrigued by human nature. we all know that people lie, and yet it never occurs to us that people lie to us. its kind of annoying when you believe what a person says meanwhile they've deceived you. i wish people wouldn't lie. i wish i wouldn't lie. i suppose a good start is to not do things you have to cover up by lying. i feel kind of weird to admitting to lying on pspd, but everyone does it (or has at some point) and i'm no exception. if you say you don't... you're lying!
back in a time when my voice only traveled as far as i could shout.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
alarm clock
i'm no longer a lady in waiting.
i should never underestimate my mother. she totally freaked me out calling me at work during my lunch and leaving a message on my voicemail saying she had "some news". she sounded excited. she reminded me of a teenager who just had to call her friend to "dish". what could it be!?! i wondered. as much as it drove me crazy, i do really delight in the fact that she's a typical girl and she's over-dramatic. i come by it honestly. it turns out she was calling to report back to me about something someone had read on pspd, and to tell me to be careful what i write. i assured her that i AM careful and that what i'd said could not be interpreted negatively. she was so excited about it. it was funny. i guess it was partly because she's never heard anyone talk about my blog before, except for me. she knows it exists, i guess it never occurred to her that people actually read it.
this evening i went out with meghan to the goat. well it wasn't so much as going out with her as much as meeting up with her but you know. it was really nice. i felt so relaxed and at ease and she made me laugh and laugh. i can't remember when i felt like that last and it was really good.
uh-oh meghan... the sneezing has started again....
you may have noticed that i changed my profile photo. its been almost a year since i changed it last. it was not a predetermined decision. i was perfectly content with the other one, but meghan convinced me it was time to change it. i wasn't going to say anything and instead see if anyone comments, but it brought up an interesting thought in my mind... i'm hesitant for change. is this because i'm afraid of change? no, i don't think i am. i've concluded, that the reason why i don't change things is because when i do something its because i like it. i NEVER rearrange my furniture and that's because when i layout a room i put a lot of thought into it and my final arrangement is what i think is the best set-up. if i order the same thing from a menu its because i like it, so logic tells me to order it again. i don't think there's anything wrong with that. frig, i live on a virtual emotional roller-coaster, i think i deserve little consistency somewhere.
don't question where you stand or where you fall.
i should never underestimate my mother. she totally freaked me out calling me at work during my lunch and leaving a message on my voicemail saying she had "some news". she sounded excited. she reminded me of a teenager who just had to call her friend to "dish". what could it be!?! i wondered. as much as it drove me crazy, i do really delight in the fact that she's a typical girl and she's over-dramatic. i come by it honestly. it turns out she was calling to report back to me about something someone had read on pspd, and to tell me to be careful what i write. i assured her that i AM careful and that what i'd said could not be interpreted negatively. she was so excited about it. it was funny. i guess it was partly because she's never heard anyone talk about my blog before, except for me. she knows it exists, i guess it never occurred to her that people actually read it.
this evening i went out with meghan to the goat. well it wasn't so much as going out with her as much as meeting up with her but you know. it was really nice. i felt so relaxed and at ease and she made me laugh and laugh. i can't remember when i felt like that last and it was really good.
uh-oh meghan... the sneezing has started again....
you may have noticed that i changed my profile photo. its been almost a year since i changed it last. it was not a predetermined decision. i was perfectly content with the other one, but meghan convinced me it was time to change it. i wasn't going to say anything and instead see if anyone comments, but it brought up an interesting thought in my mind... i'm hesitant for change. is this because i'm afraid of change? no, i don't think i am. i've concluded, that the reason why i don't change things is because when i do something its because i like it. i NEVER rearrange my furniture and that's because when i layout a room i put a lot of thought into it and my final arrangement is what i think is the best set-up. if i order the same thing from a menu its because i like it, so logic tells me to order it again. i don't think there's anything wrong with that. frig, i live on a virtual emotional roller-coaster, i think i deserve little consistency somewhere.
don't question where you stand or where you fall.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
aura
this evening i attended the banff mountain film festival with rhonda and co. it was great as usual. my favourite films were: the one about the two montrealers who biked thru mongolia, into china, passed thru nepal, went on into india and ended in calcutta; the one about the crazy potty-mouthed christian crack climber from switzerland; and the one about no-boarding. all in all it was super cool.
it got me thinking about a many things. today i paid off my first of three student loans thanks to the money my grandma left me. this has sparked a 3 year plan that concludes with me making my final payment (prematurely) on my 30th birthday. what's the connection to the film festival? well... it means the year 2010 will be completely open for me. i'll have no debt (all going well), so the film festival got me wondering... "what will i do next?" i don't know. but i have 3 years to figure that out AND 2 more annual film festivals to attend and be inspired by. i'm uber excited.
i dunno. i've kind of come to the conclusion that its not possible to miss your destiny. it always comes back around. if it was really meant to happen you'll get a second chance. as you know, i've lamented not being able to have big adventures because i only get 3 weeks vacation and spend the rest of the year in my 8x8 blue cube. but everything unfolds in due time, and i really haven't "missed my big chance".
maybe i'm more a product of my environment than i think i am. probably. i haven't a clue what i actually want. i'm starting to worry that my shyness will hold me back more than i want it to. perhaps i'm more a creature of familiarity than i want to be. how DO you become the person you want to be, when you're so ingrained already. meh. whatever. i don't want to load my mind with such thoughts when feeling so optimistic.
the festival was interesting. it felt like it brought out all of kingston's late 20's-early 30's population. never before have i seen so many people my age all together, it was nice to know there are plenty of us in this city. they DON'T all leave when they graduate.
hey check me out... i'm eating havarti.
sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.
it got me thinking about a many things. today i paid off my first of three student loans thanks to the money my grandma left me. this has sparked a 3 year plan that concludes with me making my final payment (prematurely) on my 30th birthday. what's the connection to the film festival? well... it means the year 2010 will be completely open for me. i'll have no debt (all going well), so the film festival got me wondering... "what will i do next?" i don't know. but i have 3 years to figure that out AND 2 more annual film festivals to attend and be inspired by. i'm uber excited.
i dunno. i've kind of come to the conclusion that its not possible to miss your destiny. it always comes back around. if it was really meant to happen you'll get a second chance. as you know, i've lamented not being able to have big adventures because i only get 3 weeks vacation and spend the rest of the year in my 8x8 blue cube. but everything unfolds in due time, and i really haven't "missed my big chance".
maybe i'm more a product of my environment than i think i am. probably. i haven't a clue what i actually want. i'm starting to worry that my shyness will hold me back more than i want it to. perhaps i'm more a creature of familiarity than i want to be. how DO you become the person you want to be, when you're so ingrained already. meh. whatever. i don't want to load my mind with such thoughts when feeling so optimistic.
the festival was interesting. it felt like it brought out all of kingston's late 20's-early 30's population. never before have i seen so many people my age all together, it was nice to know there are plenty of us in this city. they DON'T all leave when they graduate.
hey check me out... i'm eating havarti.
sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.
Monday, January 22, 2007
osap
i feel the complete satisfaction of not being a sell-out.
i saw her at the gas station. we looked at each other awkwardly. i hope that doesn't happen again. i'm telling ya, i've gotta stay out of the burbs, i never know WHO i might bump into there.
my friend called me today and we giggled that we are now 26 & 27. we're not much different to how we were when we were 14. time doesn't change ALL things. to quote my favourite movie "the only thing you have to be by the age of 27 is yourself". boo-yah! so true.
so i got things straightened out with bell. THANKFULLY! i'm so thankful. i'm glad that i called bell to dispute the charges, it was an honest mistake. plus, it was something i knew they'd fix for me. i worked at a call-centre, i know what things they'll budge on if you make enough of a stink. this is part of my whole new 'i'm gonna stand my own' pledge. this woman at work was really rude to me, and i didn't take it. i came to the realization that i am an adult AND a professional and i wasn't going to let her speak to me that way. what i say goes. PERIOD.
hahaha, i can't believe i said "boo-yah". sometimes i get carried away.
i woke up with this terrible crick in my neck today. it still aches! i need a good massage or something. its stiff something awful!
i always know when he's been by. he leaves a distinct scent of listerine. it could be worse so i'm really not complaining.
sometimes i'm surprised by what i find in my fridge. i had NO idea i had a whole block of havarti cheese, nor did i know i had a block of butter! crazy times in the mcknight fridgidaire.
this evening is my only night this week in. so i'm going to enjoy it. i'm gonna watch "a beautiful mind", i have it on vhs. aha. i love that movie. i got thinking about it today, the part when he talks about not indulging certain appetites. that's something i'm trying to do too. there's power in knowing you control your impulses and not the other way around.
yesterday morning i discovered my scarf was gone. this immediately invoked feelings of panic. i'm extremely (and probably abnormally) attached to my scarf. to my relief, i'd left it at joy's and on the way home stopped by to pick it up. oh my goodness, i don't know what i would have done if i'd left it at the Y. i have a sneaking feeling that i'm destine to lose it. murphy's law or something.
so don't call me incomplete,
you're the freak.
i saw her at the gas station. we looked at each other awkwardly. i hope that doesn't happen again. i'm telling ya, i've gotta stay out of the burbs, i never know WHO i might bump into there.
my friend called me today and we giggled that we are now 26 & 27. we're not much different to how we were when we were 14. time doesn't change ALL things. to quote my favourite movie "the only thing you have to be by the age of 27 is yourself". boo-yah! so true.
so i got things straightened out with bell. THANKFULLY! i'm so thankful. i'm glad that i called bell to dispute the charges, it was an honest mistake. plus, it was something i knew they'd fix for me. i worked at a call-centre, i know what things they'll budge on if you make enough of a stink. this is part of my whole new 'i'm gonna stand my own' pledge. this woman at work was really rude to me, and i didn't take it. i came to the realization that i am an adult AND a professional and i wasn't going to let her speak to me that way. what i say goes. PERIOD.
hahaha, i can't believe i said "boo-yah". sometimes i get carried away.
i woke up with this terrible crick in my neck today. it still aches! i need a good massage or something. its stiff something awful!
i always know when he's been by. he leaves a distinct scent of listerine. it could be worse so i'm really not complaining.
sometimes i'm surprised by what i find in my fridge. i had NO idea i had a whole block of havarti cheese, nor did i know i had a block of butter! crazy times in the mcknight fridgidaire.
this evening is my only night this week in. so i'm going to enjoy it. i'm gonna watch "a beautiful mind", i have it on vhs. aha. i love that movie. i got thinking about it today, the part when he talks about not indulging certain appetites. that's something i'm trying to do too. there's power in knowing you control your impulses and not the other way around.
yesterday morning i discovered my scarf was gone. this immediately invoked feelings of panic. i'm extremely (and probably abnormally) attached to my scarf. to my relief, i'd left it at joy's and on the way home stopped by to pick it up. oh my goodness, i don't know what i would have done if i'd left it at the Y. i have a sneaking feeling that i'm destine to lose it. murphy's law or something.
so don't call me incomplete,
you're the freak.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
sneaky
i felt sick in the night. it was different to my "i'm upset" kind of sick, its was a "i'm sick, i'm gonna barf!" feeling. i didn't want to be sick, i was looking forward to next and lunch with my family then living room in the evening. so i got up and had a shower, but before drying my hair i found myself barfing into my toilet. it was gross. coming out my nose and everything!! yuck. stupid nose ring... thankfully nothing got stuck on it or anything.
i rushed over the the church and let people know i was sick and may not make it to living room then got some ginger ale and came home. i watched "the full 10 yards". i like that movie. i think its weird that its only a one star rating. after that i fell asleep and dreamt that i... well i dreamt something crazy. lets just leave it at that :p
it feels weird being sick all alone.
well i'm feeling much improved so i'm going to join the living room crew at the church. i would have really missed them. i feel bad for the false alarm, but i wanted to give them fair warning just in case i couldn't go.
you were talk, talk, talkin' in circles all day,
when you get to the point make sure that i'm still awake, ok?
i rushed over the the church and let people know i was sick and may not make it to living room then got some ginger ale and came home. i watched "the full 10 yards". i like that movie. i think its weird that its only a one star rating. after that i fell asleep and dreamt that i... well i dreamt something crazy. lets just leave it at that :p
it feels weird being sick all alone.
well i'm feeling much improved so i'm going to join the living room crew at the church. i would have really missed them. i feel bad for the false alarm, but i wanted to give them fair warning just in case i couldn't go.
you were talk, talk, talkin' in circles all day,
when you get to the point make sure that i'm still awake, ok?
Saturday, January 20, 2007
jungle
here we go...
last night i feel asleep at 7:00, woke-up at 12:44 and got into bed. i slept all night then got up at 9:30. it did me a world of good. i've been so exhausted and i think feeling tired was contributing to my depressed feeling.
i think its funny that there's a door on the front of my house that no one uses. it's practically a decoy because vacuum salesmen and the like always approach it while it's no one's front door.
since i was up so early i went out to the goat for breakfast. i wanted to finish my book, but i didn't. i thought "i'm on the last chapter, i'll be able to finish it in one sitting" but its like 50 pages long! one chapter!! so no, i didn't finish it, which is annoying because i'd like to move on to something else.
i've come to the conclusion that i'll always be confused.
i'm on this path of rediscovery. its pretty safe to assume that most people can tell i have a clear sense of myself. i'm sometimes OVERLY confident. however, i'm still plagued by "i feel stupid" or "i wish i was more like (blank)". so in a way, i'm on a journey of becoming the person i want to be. in my mind, i'm this bohemian person, but i'm not sure of my level of funk outwardly.
i was quite lonely at the goat today and stared off into space a lot. i just wanted someone i knew to come along and chat my ear off. i miss my friends who are faraway. and wonder about the hole left in my life. all in all i think i am mending, but am still quite wobbly emotionally and i wish my friends were here.
i'm going to see the bicycles with meghan next week. i hiked up princess street to buy my ticket at brian's record option. i must admit i've always disliked that store, its so messy and it overwhelms me. so i was extra pleasantly surprised by how friendly the man (who i assume is brian) was. i forgot to pick up my ticket to the banff film festival on the way back down so i'll have to swing by there on the way to the Y this afternoon.
well i'm off. until tomorrow i must say adieu.
i know i should go but i'll probably stay.
that's all you can do about some things.
last night i feel asleep at 7:00, woke-up at 12:44 and got into bed. i slept all night then got up at 9:30. it did me a world of good. i've been so exhausted and i think feeling tired was contributing to my depressed feeling.
i think its funny that there's a door on the front of my house that no one uses. it's practically a decoy because vacuum salesmen and the like always approach it while it's no one's front door.
since i was up so early i went out to the goat for breakfast. i wanted to finish my book, but i didn't. i thought "i'm on the last chapter, i'll be able to finish it in one sitting" but its like 50 pages long! one chapter!! so no, i didn't finish it, which is annoying because i'd like to move on to something else.
i've come to the conclusion that i'll always be confused.
i'm on this path of rediscovery. its pretty safe to assume that most people can tell i have a clear sense of myself. i'm sometimes OVERLY confident. however, i'm still plagued by "i feel stupid" or "i wish i was more like (blank)". so in a way, i'm on a journey of becoming the person i want to be. in my mind, i'm this bohemian person, but i'm not sure of my level of funk outwardly.
i was quite lonely at the goat today and stared off into space a lot. i just wanted someone i knew to come along and chat my ear off. i miss my friends who are faraway. and wonder about the hole left in my life. all in all i think i am mending, but am still quite wobbly emotionally and i wish my friends were here.
i'm going to see the bicycles with meghan next week. i hiked up princess street to buy my ticket at brian's record option. i must admit i've always disliked that store, its so messy and it overwhelms me. so i was extra pleasantly surprised by how friendly the man (who i assume is brian) was. i forgot to pick up my ticket to the banff film festival on the way back down so i'll have to swing by there on the way to the Y this afternoon.
well i'm off. until tomorrow i must say adieu.
i know i should go but i'll probably stay.
that's all you can do about some things.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
procrastinate
i just got a whopping phone bill of 200 bux. this is not good since i'm already scrimping. apparently phone calls to cellphones in europe are 4 times more expensive to than to landlines. once i retracted my dropped jaw i felt myself getting on the banister of that spiral staircase. i didn't wanna do it, but still ended up curled up in a ball on my bed under a blanket. i'm not sure how i did it, but i managed to pick myself up again and changed out of my work clothes. now i'm feeling all funky and semi-alright. i think what it comes down to for me is mind over matter. that combined with my fighter-instinct to not let anything get the better of me.
i suck at cleaning my windshield with a squeegee. seriously, i'm the only person i know who can make her windshield MORE dirty by trying to clean it. its gross.
i can't believe its friday tomorrow. i'm in denial or something. that really crept up on me.
i love to laugh. i'm often amazed by the connection between my soul and body. my old housemate bonnie used to make me laugh so much that it made my face hurt. it wasn't so much her sense of humour, she's just so expressive and casual. i dunno, she's just bonnie. anyway, i'm astounded by the fact that i can smile uncontrollably. or become anxious to the point of butterflies before my heart even pieces together problem. perhaps my head is always the last to know.
well take what you want from me.
you deserve it all.
i suck at cleaning my windshield with a squeegee. seriously, i'm the only person i know who can make her windshield MORE dirty by trying to clean it. its gross.
i can't believe its friday tomorrow. i'm in denial or something. that really crept up on me.
i love to laugh. i'm often amazed by the connection between my soul and body. my old housemate bonnie used to make me laugh so much that it made my face hurt. it wasn't so much her sense of humour, she's just so expressive and casual. i dunno, she's just bonnie. anyway, i'm astounded by the fact that i can smile uncontrollably. or become anxious to the point of butterflies before my heart even pieces together problem. perhaps my head is always the last to know.
well take what you want from me.
you deserve it all.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
oslo
i'm a stubborn person. and i really don't like being told what i should feel or think. i'm also NOT your average girl who likes frilly clothes or baking. there's nothing wrong with those things, its just not me. i don't like it when people assume that i am or think that i should be. i won't be convinced. like i said i'm stubborn, i'm also passive-aggressive. if i'm told i should be a certain way i just become more resistant to it.
i like when my friends know my secrets. i really appreciate unspoken understandings.
in public school, we were required to do a speech as part of learning "public speaking" from grade 3 and up. when i was 11, my best friend jessica, did her speech about me. her speech was voted best in the class, then she moved on to present it before the whole school in the gym. i'd forgotten about this until today, i wish i could remember what she said. i considered the people in the book i'm reading and i wondered how someone would describe me. somethings that i would overlook and consider unimportant, may really stand-out to someone else. its intriguing. what aspects of my life would be noteworthy when re-telling my story??
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world?
i like when my friends know my secrets. i really appreciate unspoken understandings.
in public school, we were required to do a speech as part of learning "public speaking" from grade 3 and up. when i was 11, my best friend jessica, did her speech about me. her speech was voted best in the class, then she moved on to present it before the whole school in the gym. i'd forgotten about this until today, i wish i could remember what she said. i considered the people in the book i'm reading and i wondered how someone would describe me. somethings that i would overlook and consider unimportant, may really stand-out to someone else. its intriguing. what aspects of my life would be noteworthy when re-telling my story??
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
summit
thankfully, i woke up feeling really good today. i felt peaceful.
i was busy most of the work day and they gave us a pizza lunch.
on the way home i stopped at april's and had my haircut then we went to the copper penny for dinner. you know... the one in the township. we split a burger and fries. it was all we needed and only cost us like 4 bux each.
with all that being said.... i've come to a conclusion. i LOVE being 27. i feel like a teenager on the brink of something exciting. i've been doing a lot of thinking and i've come up with some goals to be accomplished in my 30s. thirty is the new twenty. except i won't have to go to college or pay off my osap. i'll have loads of experience as a designer and the bombardier name to boot! its good. i have lots to look forward to.
i'm also dedicated to being single. i am lesley: friend to all, lover to none. i'm ok with this. i really am. i don't want it on my epitaph, but its good for now. this is my goal for now. to pursue singleness. to grow deep roots of faith. i'm still just a baby. just a sapling.
i'm gonna stand my own.
this could be the very minute i'm aware i'm alive.
i was busy most of the work day and they gave us a pizza lunch.
on the way home i stopped at april's and had my haircut then we went to the copper penny for dinner. you know... the one in the township. we split a burger and fries. it was all we needed and only cost us like 4 bux each.
with all that being said.... i've come to a conclusion. i LOVE being 27. i feel like a teenager on the brink of something exciting. i've been doing a lot of thinking and i've come up with some goals to be accomplished in my 30s. thirty is the new twenty. except i won't have to go to college or pay off my osap. i'll have loads of experience as a designer and the bombardier name to boot! its good. i have lots to look forward to.
i'm also dedicated to being single. i am lesley: friend to all, lover to none. i'm ok with this. i really am. i don't want it on my epitaph, but its good for now. this is my goal for now. to pursue singleness. to grow deep roots of faith. i'm still just a baby. just a sapling.
i'm gonna stand my own.
this could be the very minute i'm aware i'm alive.
Monday, January 15, 2007
nalgene
i had sad eyes today. there's no denying it.
but you know what? inspite the fact that i woke-up feeling miserable and really down, i had a number of good experiences! let me share them with you...
one) had a really good conversation with garry on the phone. there were a couple things from that discussion that stuck in my head. he told me that thankfulness combats depression, so i'm making a mental effort to be more aware of the things i'm thankful for. he also suggested i talk to rachel, which was very ironic since i already had plans to meet up with her this evening!
two) my wallet did NOT get stolen
three) i went out with rachel to sipps. my place has been SUCH A DUMP, but i knew that i would really benefit from spending time with rach instead of staying home, and i'm really glad i went. i've really appreciated the fact that everyone has been really loving and yet they respect the fact that i don't want to discuss the details. anyway, listening to rachel really resonated in my heart. i feel affirmed and like i'm not the only one feeling this way (or has ever felt this way).
four) i got the pile of clothes on my floor folded and put away. i picked up the pile of newspapers and the drop-sheet off the floor in the pink room, and screwed my first complete chair back together. for those of you following along at home, i sanded and re-varnished the wood with a darker stain, and re-upholstered the seat. its no "extreme make-over: chair edition", but its a fresh look.
i will never cease to be amazed by the dual-state of my heart. i feel both encouraged and deflated. i'm both rejoicing and mourning. i'm mended while still leaking.
in my weakness He is strong.
anyway, i want to get a good night's rest so i'm going to head to bed. thanks for being a sparkle in my day... all of you. love ya ;)
i need your grace
to remind me
to find my own
but you know what? inspite the fact that i woke-up feeling miserable and really down, i had a number of good experiences! let me share them with you...
one) had a really good conversation with garry on the phone. there were a couple things from that discussion that stuck in my head. he told me that thankfulness combats depression, so i'm making a mental effort to be more aware of the things i'm thankful for. he also suggested i talk to rachel, which was very ironic since i already had plans to meet up with her this evening!
two) my wallet did NOT get stolen
three) i went out with rachel to sipps. my place has been SUCH A DUMP, but i knew that i would really benefit from spending time with rach instead of staying home, and i'm really glad i went. i've really appreciated the fact that everyone has been really loving and yet they respect the fact that i don't want to discuss the details. anyway, listening to rachel really resonated in my heart. i feel affirmed and like i'm not the only one feeling this way (or has ever felt this way).
four) i got the pile of clothes on my floor folded and put away. i picked up the pile of newspapers and the drop-sheet off the floor in the pink room, and screwed my first complete chair back together. for those of you following along at home, i sanded and re-varnished the wood with a darker stain, and re-upholstered the seat. its no "extreme make-over: chair edition", but its a fresh look.i will never cease to be amazed by the dual-state of my heart. i feel both encouraged and deflated. i'm both rejoicing and mourning. i'm mended while still leaking.
in my weakness He is strong.
anyway, i want to get a good night's rest so i'm going to head to bed. thanks for being a sparkle in my day... all of you. love ya ;)
i need your grace
to remind me
to find my own
Sunday, January 14, 2007
reflect
oh my goodness... why is there a dog downstairs!?!? there's a frickin' dog barking in my house.
i've had a good day. it was really nice. it was lovely.
brandon gave me a cell phone today. i've got me my own handy! yay! thanks again brandon!!! it was a hand-me-down from cynthia. its really nice. and snazzy. its a blue flip phone :D my phone number is sooo easy too!!! AND its got four 8's in it. if i was asian that would be VERY good!! heck who cares that i'm not asian, i'll still consider it lucky ;)
this afternoon i went to the goat and when i was there for only about 10 minutes someone came in and i felt a cold hand on my back. i thought to myself "hm, i sure hope i know that person" it was melissa. what a pleasant surprise. we sat and chatted while i ate my house salad, which i must say i quite like although i find strange that i got since i'm allergic to nuts and don't like those rubbery apples, still there's no denying its a good salad. when we were done our tea we walked over to geneva house for this open house event they were having. i ended up having a really interesting conversation with ann about next and left feeling i'd just had a date with destiny. i don't know about you, but occassionally there are events that i immediately identify as significant. that was one of those times.
living room 2007 started up tonight. it was a really great group and i had a fun time. discussion was very complex and i liked that everyone was expressing a different opinion and perspective. it was cool. i'm so glad we got together.
i like songs about drifters – books about the same.
they both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
i've had a good day. it was really nice. it was lovely.
brandon gave me a cell phone today. i've got me my own handy! yay! thanks again brandon!!! it was a hand-me-down from cynthia. its really nice. and snazzy. its a blue flip phone :D my phone number is sooo easy too!!! AND its got four 8's in it. if i was asian that would be VERY good!! heck who cares that i'm not asian, i'll still consider it lucky ;)
this afternoon i went to the goat and when i was there for only about 10 minutes someone came in and i felt a cold hand on my back. i thought to myself "hm, i sure hope i know that person" it was melissa. what a pleasant surprise. we sat and chatted while i ate my house salad, which i must say i quite like although i find strange that i got since i'm allergic to nuts and don't like those rubbery apples, still there's no denying its a good salad. when we were done our tea we walked over to geneva house for this open house event they were having. i ended up having a really interesting conversation with ann about next and left feeling i'd just had a date with destiny. i don't know about you, but occassionally there are events that i immediately identify as significant. that was one of those times.
living room 2007 started up tonight. it was a really great group and i had a fun time. discussion was very complex and i liked that everyone was expressing a different opinion and perspective. it was cool. i'm so glad we got together.
i like songs about drifters – books about the same.
they both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
hippo
i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. a lot of observing. a lot of trying to get myself sorted out. i've been feeling lost. i suppose in a way i'm in transition. i think i know a little where i want to go, but do i have the ability to go that route? am i strong enough?
i concluded today that i'm a part of a misfit generation. we're a group of people who don't exactly know what we're doing. and for some reason recognizing that was consoling. i was reminded twice today that its the journey not the destination that matters. i need to de-program myself of notions of what's a full and complete existence.
i find it funny that modest mouse is the soundtrack of my life currently. i like it because the lyrics are so "everything is crappy and i haven't a clue what i'm doing" combined with dancy music. its so suitable – its uplifting and yet frustrated :)
i'm thinking that maybe, JUST maybe, i'm out of my reading funk. i'm finally getting into my book. actually, i think when i'm done here i'm going to get into bed a read all cozy like. joy & tim were saying tonight that i read "artsy books". i found that puzzling. what's a artsy book? i wondered. as i sat in the goat today, i got thinking i'd like to write a book. i quickly disregarded that, but it was a neat thought for a split second.
frig, my place is a mess right now. eek. i like having it tidy, but i'm sucky at maintaining it. i think the tidiness of my house often reflects the tidiness of my mind. actually, that makes a lot of sense.
i think sometimes its hard to get a clear picture of who i am because i'm inside looking out. don't get me wrong, i have a fairly good sense of my identity, i just wish i could see myself. sometimes its easier to see the track someone else is on more clearly than your own.
don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
i concluded today that i'm a part of a misfit generation. we're a group of people who don't exactly know what we're doing. and for some reason recognizing that was consoling. i was reminded twice today that its the journey not the destination that matters. i need to de-program myself of notions of what's a full and complete existence.
i find it funny that modest mouse is the soundtrack of my life currently. i like it because the lyrics are so "everything is crappy and i haven't a clue what i'm doing" combined with dancy music. its so suitable – its uplifting and yet frustrated :)
i'm thinking that maybe, JUST maybe, i'm out of my reading funk. i'm finally getting into my book. actually, i think when i'm done here i'm going to get into bed a read all cozy like. joy & tim were saying tonight that i read "artsy books". i found that puzzling. what's a artsy book? i wondered. as i sat in the goat today, i got thinking i'd like to write a book. i quickly disregarded that, but it was a neat thought for a split second.
frig, my place is a mess right now. eek. i like having it tidy, but i'm sucky at maintaining it. i think the tidiness of my house often reflects the tidiness of my mind. actually, that makes a lot of sense.
i think sometimes its hard to get a clear picture of who i am because i'm inside looking out. don't get me wrong, i have a fairly good sense of my identity, i just wish i could see myself. sometimes its easier to see the track someone else is on more clearly than your own.
don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
Friday, January 12, 2007
fog
i've decided to put my whoas behind me. its time to focus on the bright-side of life. i won't ignore my troubles, and unfortunately, its unlikely for me to forget, but i'd rather not keep a record of these events. time to pull up my sox and forge ahead.
i spend a very enjoyable time with the butler clan this evening. i joined them for dinner, a trip to canadian tire and a movie. as we walked thru jumbo, i pointed to "my super ex-girlfriend" and said "i'd kind of like to see that". so that's what we got, and bob didn't let me hear the end of it. but really... he should thank me seeing as its his "favourite" movie. i especially liked the part with the shark.
hey... did anyone other than bob read my deleted entry??????? if you did... hush up :p
anyway, work went alright today. a little quiet but we had a taco lunch in honor of marilyn's birthday. this man terry walked by and wish her a happy birthday. he told us "this is kind of an anniversary for me too. yesterday was my 26 anniversary with bombardier". being a bit of a smart-ass i told him "i just turned 27". later he said to me at the coffee station "27 huh? do you know how old that makes me feel?" i told him "do you know how old that makes ME feel??" he later said "its the best time of your life". hm. interesting thought. i found that kind of ironic.
i'm feeling pretty good. i'm feeling better. i'm glad. i threw together a standard today, and made a few alterations to some work i did in kijabe. i like getting things done. i don't like leaving things looming over my head.
i'm an strange concoction. i will never cease to be amazed by my undiscovered abilities.
you don't know where and you don't know when.
but you still got your words and you got your friends.
i spend a very enjoyable time with the butler clan this evening. i joined them for dinner, a trip to canadian tire and a movie. as we walked thru jumbo, i pointed to "my super ex-girlfriend" and said "i'd kind of like to see that". so that's what we got, and bob didn't let me hear the end of it. but really... he should thank me seeing as its his "favourite" movie. i especially liked the part with the shark.
hey... did anyone other than bob read my deleted entry??????? if you did... hush up :p
anyway, work went alright today. a little quiet but we had a taco lunch in honor of marilyn's birthday. this man terry walked by and wish her a happy birthday. he told us "this is kind of an anniversary for me too. yesterday was my 26 anniversary with bombardier". being a bit of a smart-ass i told him "i just turned 27". later he said to me at the coffee station "27 huh? do you know how old that makes me feel?" i told him "do you know how old that makes ME feel??" he later said "its the best time of your life". hm. interesting thought. i found that kind of ironic.
i'm feeling pretty good. i'm feeling better. i'm glad. i threw together a standard today, and made a few alterations to some work i did in kijabe. i like getting things done. i don't like leaving things looming over my head.
i'm an strange concoction. i will never cease to be amazed by my undiscovered abilities.
you don't know where and you don't know when.
but you still got your words and you got your friends.
late for work
if life's not beautiful without the pain,
well i'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.
as life gets longer, awful feels softer,
and its feelings pretty soft to me.
and if it takes shit to make bliss,
well i feel pretty blissfully.
well i'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.
as life gets longer, awful feels softer,
and its feelings pretty soft to me.
and if it takes shit to make bliss,
well i feel pretty blissfully.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
perforated
man, i wish i knew where my zooropa cd was. i'm craving one of the songs.
its been a bit of a rough day. but i'm encouraged that i'm on the road to recovery. sometimes good things comes in painful packages. this afternoon i sat in melissa's kitchen talking about my life, telling her stories that long sat on a shelf, things i hadn't thought of for years. it was kind of fun, i should never listen to myself when i start thinking my life is boring. it hasn't been.
i also got thinking about how crappy things always happen in january. i talked about this last january, perhaps february, when realizing i'd gotten thru the first month of the year without heart ache. for the previous 5 january's something bad would happen. i won't dwell on it. its just an interesting obversation. coincidence.
i'm thankful for good friends. for poetic gardeners. for gravol. for big sisters. for sick days. for overprotective bosses. humanoid cats. friendly faces. endurance. the maxi pad. my imac. avonlea. free-will. tenacity. good health. wind chimes. jeans day. and unexpected endings.
when peace like a river attendeth my way
when sorrows like sea billows roll
what ever my lot you have taught me to say
it is well, it is well with my soul
its been a bit of a rough day. but i'm encouraged that i'm on the road to recovery. sometimes good things comes in painful packages. this afternoon i sat in melissa's kitchen talking about my life, telling her stories that long sat on a shelf, things i hadn't thought of for years. it was kind of fun, i should never listen to myself when i start thinking my life is boring. it hasn't been.
i also got thinking about how crappy things always happen in january. i talked about this last january, perhaps february, when realizing i'd gotten thru the first month of the year without heart ache. for the previous 5 january's something bad would happen. i won't dwell on it. its just an interesting obversation. coincidence.
i'm thankful for good friends. for poetic gardeners. for gravol. for big sisters. for sick days. for overprotective bosses. humanoid cats. friendly faces. endurance. the maxi pad. my imac. avonlea. free-will. tenacity. good health. wind chimes. jeans day. and unexpected endings.
when peace like a river attendeth my way
when sorrows like sea billows roll
what ever my lot you have taught me to say
it is well, it is well with my soul
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
closure
i haven't much to say.
i've said all i need to say to who i need to say it.
ah, its going to be ok.
oh i do believe,
in all the things you say.
what comes is better than what came before.
i've said all i need to say to who i need to say it.
ah, its going to be ok.
oh i do believe,
in all the things you say.
what comes is better than what came before.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
pipe
i've been thinking a lot lately about how who we spend time with effects how we feel. then tonight when i was hanging around with irina she mentioned "emotional resonance". that's basically the same thing i'd been thinking about. when we spend time with happy and stable people we become more stable & well-adjusted. likewise, when we spend time with depressed or screwed up people, we emulate those qualities. its so mind blowing. i like connecting the dots.
i had a really good time with irina tonight. she's both emotional and logical at the same time. its a good combo. actually i can see myself being that way too. emotional in my own life but logical about other people.
today was a rough day. i can't tell if my cube is to blame or not. sometimes boredom makes people do stupid things. can i get a "uh-huh"??
sometimes i try
i try reaching out to you
the nights are long and so confused
but its so very hard to do
so very hard to do
i had a really good time with irina tonight. she's both emotional and logical at the same time. its a good combo. actually i can see myself being that way too. emotional in my own life but logical about other people.
today was a rough day. i can't tell if my cube is to blame or not. sometimes boredom makes people do stupid things. can i get a "uh-huh"??
sometimes i try
i try reaching out to you
the nights are long and so confused
but its so very hard to do
so very hard to do
Monday, January 08, 2007
fade
sometimes a girl is just tired.
this evening i really wanted to get some stuff accomplished, but you know what? i was just too tired. i wonder why i feel guilty for that. there's nothing wrong with lying around for an evening and watching mindless t.v. argh, i wish i wasn't such a doer sometimes. i like accomplishing things too much. i figure, i should take it easy and rest up instead of getting burnt out because i didn't bum-out. this evening i was in the kitchen and slid down onto the floor and just sat there staring into space for a while. i think i'll go to bed soon. maybe even leave my dishes until tomorrow morning.
i haven't been sleeping well lately. my mind has been quite active. perhaps that's contributing to my tiredness. oh crap, i wish i'd gotten around to rinsing the gasoline off my beloved boots. ugh, that can't be good for them. but i'm too exhausted right now.
i should go... i'm falling.... asleep.... as i ...zzzzzzzzz........
where do i stand on the rock or in the sand?
this evening i really wanted to get some stuff accomplished, but you know what? i was just too tired. i wonder why i feel guilty for that. there's nothing wrong with lying around for an evening and watching mindless t.v. argh, i wish i wasn't such a doer sometimes. i like accomplishing things too much. i figure, i should take it easy and rest up instead of getting burnt out because i didn't bum-out. this evening i was in the kitchen and slid down onto the floor and just sat there staring into space for a while. i think i'll go to bed soon. maybe even leave my dishes until tomorrow morning.
i haven't been sleeping well lately. my mind has been quite active. perhaps that's contributing to my tiredness. oh crap, i wish i'd gotten around to rinsing the gasoline off my beloved boots. ugh, that can't be good for them. but i'm too exhausted right now.
i should go... i'm falling.... asleep.... as i ...zzzzzzzzz........
where do i stand on the rock or in the sand?
Sunday, January 07, 2007
walnut
i had sunday lunch with my family today. it was a nice time. before we ate dessert i was helping joelle in the bathroom, when i came back i found a carrot sticking out of my cake covered in cool whip. hahaha. it was so funny. they're bums.
i've been having this problem lately where i keep screwing up my words when i speak. they're just coming out wrong. my dad has that problem, makes up random words all the time. knickers slurs too. tim says its because i'm thinking too fast. i hope that's all it is. i'm not the greatest singer, i'm not bad, but not awesome, but i've always prided myself in my ability to know all the words in songs. but even that is disappearing. i just can't speak straight. i'm tongue tied.
its true. i punked this photo from your blog.
i'm not ashamed to admit it.
oh the disco. the disco lemonade.
i've been having this problem lately where i keep screwing up my words when i speak. they're just coming out wrong. my dad has that problem, makes up random words all the time. knickers slurs too. tim says its because i'm thinking too fast. i hope that's all it is. i'm not the greatest singer, i'm not bad, but not awesome, but i've always prided myself in my ability to know all the words in songs. but even that is disappearing. i just can't speak straight. i'm tongue tied.
its true. i punked this photo from your blog.i'm not ashamed to admit it.
oh the disco. the disco lemonade.
we're at the dawn of a new week. thinking back to last sunday, i had no idea what was going to happen. i wouldn't have been happy if i did. but really i'm glad. it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. what can i say.
sometimes i forget that his grace is sufficient for me.
sometimes i forget that his grace is sufficient for me.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
untangle
its interesting how just hearing the beginning cords of a song can make a person cry. ok perhaps that doesn't happen to everyone, but it happens to me.
i met up with the girls for lunch today at the copper penny. i was so glad because i invited catherine along and i'm usually really crappy at blending friends so that was a big step for me. yay! after that, catherine and i went down to minotaur and played a game called "artifacts". whoa, it was a little tricky AND we did realize halfway thru we were kind of playing it wrong, but it was fun nonetheless. we also snuck in a quick game of boggle before heading to a matinee. i dreamt last night that i played boggle which is weird because i'd never played it before, but its kind of like flipwords. i got 2 points. right on.
yes, as i mentioned we went to a matinee at the screening room and saw "shut-up and sing" the dixie chicks documentary. it was good. it was different than i expected but i liked it. i'm totally into the documentaries lately. i went to the goat to read afterwards and realized the lady at the screening room had short-changed me 5 bux. argh!!
i started varnishing my first chair tonight. to my dismay, fru has already damaged the fabric. ARGH that cat! i chose a darker stain to match the fabric. i really like it, it looks very sophisticated :p it's taking FOREVER to dry! i remember that about the last time i stained something. i hate that. i want it to dry fast so i can reassemble them. oh well i guess this can be another way to practise patience, i've discovered if you rush the drying process it produces a bad outcome. its like nail polish, eventhough it feels dry, it isn't ACTUALLY dry for a little while. nice comparision huh? i'm such a girl :p
so did you hear about the meds for obese dogs? what has the world come to?!?!
will someone PLEASE come over and fold my laundry. i have a problem.
tune my heart to sing thy grace.
i met up with the girls for lunch today at the copper penny. i was so glad because i invited catherine along and i'm usually really crappy at blending friends so that was a big step for me. yay! after that, catherine and i went down to minotaur and played a game called "artifacts". whoa, it was a little tricky AND we did realize halfway thru we were kind of playing it wrong, but it was fun nonetheless. we also snuck in a quick game of boggle before heading to a matinee. i dreamt last night that i played boggle which is weird because i'd never played it before, but its kind of like flipwords. i got 2 points. right on.
yes, as i mentioned we went to a matinee at the screening room and saw "shut-up and sing" the dixie chicks documentary. it was good. it was different than i expected but i liked it. i'm totally into the documentaries lately. i went to the goat to read afterwards and realized the lady at the screening room had short-changed me 5 bux. argh!!
i started varnishing my first chair tonight. to my dismay, fru has already damaged the fabric. ARGH that cat! i chose a darker stain to match the fabric. i really like it, it looks very sophisticated :p it's taking FOREVER to dry! i remember that about the last time i stained something. i hate that. i want it to dry fast so i can reassemble them. oh well i guess this can be another way to practise patience, i've discovered if you rush the drying process it produces a bad outcome. its like nail polish, eventhough it feels dry, it isn't ACTUALLY dry for a little while. nice comparision huh? i'm such a girl :p
so did you hear about the meds for obese dogs? what has the world come to?!?!
will someone PLEASE come over and fold my laundry. i have a problem.
tune my heart to sing thy grace.
Friday, January 05, 2007
puke
i BADLY needed to do laundry so i went to melissa's and as i waited we watched anne of green gables. it did my heart good. it laughed so much and was quite touched by the gentleness of matthew.
i feel on the mend although i know i have a long way to go. i'm afraid to get too confident that it'll be ok because whenever that happens i end up with a rake in the face.
today was gasing up at a gas station, just looking about, minding my own business when i found the lady in the car ahead of looking at me. i looked back at her. then she called out to me "you're spilling gas everywhere!!" OOPS! i looked down to see gas pouring out from my car as it overflowed. whoopsy. i don't think it was my fault though, i think the pump must be broken. still i felt kind of dumb. hahaha, i can picture it now. my pants and beloved boots got COVERED in gasoline. i was potentially flamable. i have a feeling that even after washing my pants they still smell.
today i imagined everything in life laid out before me on a table. i asked myself... if you were to pick each item, what order would you pick them in. i was quite surprised by what i selected. surprised in a good way. i discovered that i've already got what i desire most. i can't honestly say i don't want what i haven't got, but i do know i want what i have more than anything else. i've been doing a lot of soul searching and hope to continue to. my mom says it doesn't take long for me to get over things, i'm not sure how true that is, there are some exceptions. i'm hoping for the best.
teach me some melodious sonnet
sung by flaming tongues above.
i feel on the mend although i know i have a long way to go. i'm afraid to get too confident that it'll be ok because whenever that happens i end up with a rake in the face.
today was gasing up at a gas station, just looking about, minding my own business when i found the lady in the car ahead of looking at me. i looked back at her. then she called out to me "you're spilling gas everywhere!!" OOPS! i looked down to see gas pouring out from my car as it overflowed. whoopsy. i don't think it was my fault though, i think the pump must be broken. still i felt kind of dumb. hahaha, i can picture it now. my pants and beloved boots got COVERED in gasoline. i was potentially flamable. i have a feeling that even after washing my pants they still smell.
today i imagined everything in life laid out before me on a table. i asked myself... if you were to pick each item, what order would you pick them in. i was quite surprised by what i selected. surprised in a good way. i discovered that i've already got what i desire most. i can't honestly say i don't want what i haven't got, but i do know i want what i have more than anything else. i've been doing a lot of soul searching and hope to continue to. my mom says it doesn't take long for me to get over things, i'm not sure how true that is, there are some exceptions. i'm hoping for the best.
teach me some melodious sonnet
sung by flaming tongues above.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
ebenezer
i want to be in bed in the next 15 possibly 20 minutes. i slept so well last night, aside from a few confused moments waking up not quite knowing where i was or what day of the week it was. i woke up still thinking i was on holiday :( i celebrated when i woke up and thought "what day is this?" because almost EVERY time i think that its a thursday. except for the last couple times and it threw me for a loop. so its good to know all is right in the universe.
i just got home from the lovells. i mooched food off of them. well i had an open invitation so i feel justified. anyway, i had a really great talk with rhonda tonight. we're kind of on the same wave length, in different ways but can really relate to how the other one is feeling. i suppose in a sense we're both starting journeys of discovery. just when i thought i had my interworkings figured out i spring a leak. hm. that's ok. i don't mind being a fixer-upper.
i hate feeling like a cliché, but there's a reason why things happen the way they do. one event begats another. certain things aren't actually "statistics", they're just how things happen.
its amazing how quickly things can change. i guess good things can happen in the blink of an eye too but i just always think only crappy things happen without warning.
i can't complain. actually, i don't want to. this is just a page in one chapter. someone please... flip the page QUICK... haha. just kidding.
phone calls to big sisters make everything ok.
here’s my heart Lord take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.
i just got home from the lovells. i mooched food off of them. well i had an open invitation so i feel justified. anyway, i had a really great talk with rhonda tonight. we're kind of on the same wave length, in different ways but can really relate to how the other one is feeling. i suppose in a sense we're both starting journeys of discovery. just when i thought i had my interworkings figured out i spring a leak. hm. that's ok. i don't mind being a fixer-upper.
i hate feeling like a cliché, but there's a reason why things happen the way they do. one event begats another. certain things aren't actually "statistics", they're just how things happen.
its amazing how quickly things can change. i guess good things can happen in the blink of an eye too but i just always think only crappy things happen without warning.
i can't complain. actually, i don't want to. this is just a page in one chapter. someone please... flip the page QUICK... haha. just kidding.
phone calls to big sisters make everything ok.
here’s my heart Lord take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
time
kleenexs are strewn throughout my apartment as i am on a crying marathon.
as i walk on through the garden, i am hoping i don't miss you.
as i walk on through the garden, i am hoping i don't miss you.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
staple gun
i really like my hair today. it's three different colours! my natural dark brown, the ends are kind of a marigold orange and the front is purple. its an interesting effect.
today was my first day of work in 2007. it was alright. i was quite alert which is odd considering i only got about 4 hours of sleep. the day went fast actually. at one point i emailed melinda and said "i wish i wasn't in my cube. or that i was in my cube and nothing else was in my mind". that would make my life so much easier. i've concluded that left to my own devices i go perfectly insane. its like i'm a piece of wire that twists itself into a coil when there's nothing else to do.
today was also my first day at the Y in 2007. isn't this neat? me describing every first of 2007!?!? anyway, it was as annoyingly crowded as i expected. although, it was bearable because i took advantage of the warm weather and went walking on my lunch. had a fairly brisk half-hour walk. not bad.
this evening (on the first tuesday of 2007) i re-upholstered one kitchen chair. it looks lovely. i hope to do another, if not all of the remaining 3, tomorrow night. i'll buy some varnish and sand them down on the weekend. yay!
melissa stopped by and we had a nice visit. she helped me eat up the rest of the christmas log cake that i bought for the living room christmas party. i bought two and the second one wasn't touched. i keep thinking to myself "you should just throw that out so you don't eat it all yourself". but i'm glad i didn't. i guiltily enjoyed it.
i've got all my life to live.
i've got all my love to give.
i will survive.
today was my first day of work in 2007. it was alright. i was quite alert which is odd considering i only got about 4 hours of sleep. the day went fast actually. at one point i emailed melinda and said "i wish i wasn't in my cube. or that i was in my cube and nothing else was in my mind". that would make my life so much easier. i've concluded that left to my own devices i go perfectly insane. its like i'm a piece of wire that twists itself into a coil when there's nothing else to do.
today was also my first day at the Y in 2007. isn't this neat? me describing every first of 2007!?!? anyway, it was as annoyingly crowded as i expected. although, it was bearable because i took advantage of the warm weather and went walking on my lunch. had a fairly brisk half-hour walk. not bad.
this evening (on the first tuesday of 2007) i re-upholstered one kitchen chair. it looks lovely. i hope to do another, if not all of the remaining 3, tomorrow night. i'll buy some varnish and sand them down on the weekend. yay!
melissa stopped by and we had a nice visit. she helped me eat up the rest of the christmas log cake that i bought for the living room christmas party. i bought two and the second one wasn't touched. i keep thinking to myself "you should just throw that out so you don't eat it all yourself". but i'm glad i didn't. i guiltily enjoyed it.
i've got all my life to live.
i've got all my love to give.
i will survive.
Monday, January 01, 2007
cheers
i didn't get out of bed until 1:30 today. ah nice. this is partly because i was up late ringing in the new year, but also because of my middle-of-the-night escapades in the rain.
i just watched supersize me. i'd never seen it before. it was very very good. i really like these new modern documentaries. they're so effective, and i'm thankful for what i learn from them.
i spent the day cleaning my house. gave it a good scrub. it was satisfying.
oh what did i do for new year's eve?? well, i went to rhonda's where we had a mighty-fine potluck with her, isaac and kathryn (who if you don't remember is our friend who moved to dryden last january), then we went down to city hall for the fireworks. did i say we went to city hall? i meant ran to coffee & company because they started when we were only half-way to city hall and we only made it to coffee & company and that's where we gave up. they were nice though. i had a nap when we returned to their place, then at midnight we adorned party hats and drank champagnade. that's no typo. it was peach champagnADE. right on :p
what did YOU do?
i'd say this has been a decent start to 2007.
i hope i keep all my marbles.
i want to wake up and know where i'm going.
say i'm ready. i'm ready.
i just watched supersize me. i'd never seen it before. it was very very good. i really like these new modern documentaries. they're so effective, and i'm thankful for what i learn from them.
i spent the day cleaning my house. gave it a good scrub. it was satisfying.
oh what did i do for new year's eve?? well, i went to rhonda's where we had a mighty-fine potluck with her, isaac and kathryn (who if you don't remember is our friend who moved to dryden last january), then we went down to city hall for the fireworks. did i say we went to city hall? i meant ran to coffee & company because they started when we were only half-way to city hall and we only made it to coffee & company and that's where we gave up. they were nice though. i had a nap when we returned to their place, then at midnight we adorned party hats and drank champagnade. that's no typo. it was peach champagnADE. right on :p
what did YOU do?
i'd say this has been a decent start to 2007.
i hope i keep all my marbles.
i want to wake up and know where i'm going.
say i'm ready. i'm ready.
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