faxed

i gave up drinking coke 2 years ago in order to lose weight. since then, i'll have one a week at the most (as opposed to 6 a day – ouch! i know. i had a problem). but this weekend, due to moving and the need for convenience, i've been drinking a lot of coke. i know in my head that i'll just lay off the sauce for a month, get plenty of excerise and it will all balance out. however, i'd forgotten that since quiting coke i have very little tolerance to caffeine. its 11:11. i've barely slept all weekend, and yet i'm not tired. stupid caffeine.

i'm settling in pretty well. i'm trying to take "the forbes approach" and tackle one room at a time. although, i find myself distracted by other "quick" tasks. regardless, my kitchen is just about done. hurray!! i looks really nice, especially with the orange flowers rhonda & isaac gave me. al's giving me a kitchen table and i need to go to the hardware store and get a different nozzle for the facet because my dishwasher's attachment won't screw on. yes, i said dishwasher. i have a countertop dishwasher. i think tomorrow i'll tackle the bathroom. i'm going to paint it, just gotta decide on the hue.

i've had a number of things running thru my brain the last few days (when i had the rare moment to think of anything other than moving). one thing is: where do you draw the line between being a good friend/co-worker/daughter and being walked all over? i instinctively want to stand-up for myself, but how do i know when to swallow my pride? this question fits in several areas of my life, but the one i'll share with you is this: i was telling my dad that i'm going to use my drill to enlarge the bolt screws in my futon frame. and he said "i can do that for you". my first reaction was "i can do it myself". its not pride, its not arrogance, its not even me trying to prove myself. its actually because i feel like "you left me as a little girl to take care of my mother. i had to figure out all these things on my own – how to be her 'repairman'. i don't want your help now! you have it all backward!!!" so what do i do? i don't know. i know i can take care of myself, but is that really how its supposed to be?? its all going back to that "independent thing" again. argh.

i like my new place. and i like starting a new phase. as i said before, its come at the perfect time. i needed something to dislodge me. its not easy, and there's definate downsides, but nothing worth doing ever comes without some kind of fight. its hard but worth it. this is my new reality. i'm going to absorb it.

it'll be just like starting over.

entourage

well i'm writing to you from my new apartment at 330 york street. the move went ridiculously well, everyone was great. i'm soooooo apreciative, i can't even express it. thanx, you guys, so much!!

my allergy's have come on full force. ugh. its pretty annoying. my lips are sore because i've been breathing out of my mouth all day. today in the van, i had a sneazing fit that involved nonstop sneazing for 10 minutes straight. it was terrible. and to make matters worse i didn't have a kleenex, not even one, not even a napkin. so i had to resort to using the shirt i was wearing, eww... gross.... needless to say, its in the laundry right now.

well one oddity about the maxi pad that really stands out is, all the electrical plugs are upside down. very strange. and funny! also the floor in the living slopes like there's no tomorrow. i've been pretty busy arranging stuff, and part of me is sad that i have this great place and no one to share the pleasure of it with. but i guess that just means i'll have to have people over a lot.

ah man, i just flicked myself in the eye with my ponytail. well i'm sleepy and cold. and a little hungry too actually. i think i'll just go drink some water, i'm also abnormally parched due to my allergies. aw crap, my pjs are all cold. where's the justice??

who wants to bet i'll wake up all disoriented in the night??

peaches peaches i love peaches

mcburney

have you heard of the skeleton park music festival? well there's going to be a benefit concert at the merchant mcliam this sunday. it should be a good time. i'm hoping to find some peoples to go with me. here's some more information: investigative reports

odd

hey! i'm just taking a break from packing. well actually, at this point its more like moving stuff around. most things are in boxes already. my computer will be the last thing to go. i told melinda it'll break my heart to pack up my computer, but at least its just a temporary separation. its all good. i'm a total nerd and booked my cable guy to come set up my internet between 11 and 1 tomorrow which i admit was bad planning on my part. i think i did that because having my computer hooked up really for action will create a feeling of normalcy among all the change and chaos. i hope everything will go well tomorrow. i'm trying to be as prepared as possible. its going to be a late night and an early morning. that's ok, there will be plenty of time for an early night tomorrow.

well i should get back to work. here's some pics from earlier tonight...
oh the secret conversations of girls.



this empty bedroom won't make anything right

sneakers

i'm pretty tired. i like that as a result of all my hard work my high-ponytail has shifted and is now a crooked high-ponytail from an 80s workout video. nothing but class around here at pirates cove. i'm sleepy on top of being tired, so this is gonna be a tiny entry tonight. i mostly want to bring your attention to our cornstarch collection. yes, those are four full boxes of the same brand of constarch. we have a problem.
future. it's a time to think about the past.

dandelions

my walls look dinged up and all shabby. i've started taking down my pictures and posters. i can't get over how impatient i feel to move. i'd move right now if i could. its not that i dislike this house in any way, i think its more like "lets get this thing over with". its like when we're at the airport in england to come home i'm always really anxious to leave. its not that i hate england, because i really love it and want to relish every moment there. its more like, if i HAVE to leave i want to go right away and not look back so i don't feel sad about it.

i can't help wonder... are you growing tried of hearing about my move? i think about my move 75% of the time, which i'm glad about because it stops me from thinking about the other issue that would be clogging my mind if it wasn't preoccupied.

so i finally went and cancelled my Y membership today. is it lame that i went on a wednesday because i knew my problem in the red t-shirt would be there? i agree, i'm a bad person.

knickers tells me today that we're getting a summer student. they always hire employee's children, so i asked "do you know who it is?" she said "so-and-so's daughter" than proceeded to refer to her as IT for the next 10 minutes. so strange. well this should be interesting. i won't be the youngest anymore, as knickers said "you won't be the baby anymore!!!" she also said that this will test my "supervisory skills". ya, SURE it will... but yes, this may work to my advantage. let me fill you in a little on what i've been up to lately careerwise – i asked for a promotion. now i won't go into all the details, but i'm MORE than deserving of an upgrade. this may come as a surprise to you since i've openly admitted to obsessive-compulsively checking my email at work, and from time to time i visit my friends' blogs, BUT i only do that when i need a break or when i'm not busy. so we'll see what happens, she gave me no promises but said she's assess me at my mid-year review, which is in august. although, she made a comment today that implied she won't wait that long. i dunno. i guess i shouldn't get my hopes up. but FRIG! i'm an asset to that company!! i hope i get along with this girl well and that she doesn't annoy me. i can easily tire of the "ooh, i'm a hot-shot student" mentality. no, i don't mean YOU.

i think i'm going to get ready for bed now. i woke up really well-rested after my earily night on monday. i didn't get to work any eariler, but i did have more time to lie around and go slowly.

i'm thirsty but i have nothing to drink. except i have some ribena. i heart ribena, it reminds me of my granny's house. enough about me... so what's up with you lately?

i try to stand up but i can't find my feet.

clark gable

wow, i've have a great day!! my mom told me once that i don't stay down for long but bounce back quickly. at the time i didn't know what she was talking about but now i do. its interesting the things my mom knows about me, i guess its understandable since she's been observing me my whole life. i find i function best when i know what i'm "dealing with". its hard for me to cope with uncertainty, but if something is final or permanent i'll mourn it for a little while but once i've adjusted i'm fine. so now i'm fine, at least i think i am.

i've concluded i need more guy friends. lately when i've been talking with my friends i have little guy-advise to offer. its been like "i don't know if that means he likes you" "i don't know if guys watch the door if waiting for a girl they like" "i don't know if guys can tell when they're about to be dumped" i wish i had some male friends to bounce stuff off of, to get their opinions. buddy's been good for getting the male perspective, along with my brother-in-law and a few of my friends husbands. but you know, its more than that. men just are so different than women and it would probably balance out the girl-to-guy ratio in my life a little. i used to have lots of guy friends, but it can be complicated (see blocks) i don't know if there's away around that. but alas, just because i'd like more guy friends doesn't mean i'll all of a sudden have a bunch.

so today i called every government institution and bank to change my address. this one guy i talked to, his name was jan, kept asking me all these questions and then would follow my answer with "pERFect" i found this amusing. i find everything funny. tonight i used the loo at beckie's new place and laughed hysterically at the toilet because its totally lopsided.

frig, i keep having to unpack things i've already packed because i've been overly eager. oh well. this week is going very slowly. oh crap, i better hurry, gilmore girls is on in 3 minutes, this entry is taking too long because i'm dancing through the whole thing. i'm sure people can see me threw the window and i must look crazy. i don't even care.

heaven sends and heaven takes

asuu

i feel like a huge hosebag when i check my email and there's nothing. why does that bother me so much? and why is it so unusual while becoming more frequent?? i guess i used to be busy sending emails about living room and yada yada yada, and now nothing. i think i'm addicted to my email and to msn too. haha, you know what's funny! when certain people sign online i duck or find myself whispering and i have to remind myself that they can't see or hear me. hahaha. i'm a geek. haha, i bet you're now wondering if i do that to YOU!

i had a mellow day today. mellow is a nice way of putting it, its more like slightly deflated. i'm totally a drama junkie, i like how beckie describes it as "emotionally diverse" that is very accurate. i'm sure you've picked up on that if you're a regular visitor to pspd.

my packing is coming along almost too well, my room smells like cardboard. i'm all pumped and ready to pack, but i'd say i'm already half-way done. one of the major things i'm yet to do is take down all my posters and pictures from the wall. that usually takes much longer than you'd expect, but i'm hesitant to do that because i like waking up and still feeling at home here. i don't want to feel a stranger in my own room. i love my house. i'll miss it. thankfully the maxi pad is also pretty radical.

i went over to beckie's just to chill-out in her room while she did stuff. i like that. while i was there i found myself very snacky, so we eventually decided to walk to the store so i could get some sunflowerseeds and she wanted some hagendaus. it was chillly, so when we stopped at my house for my wallet i put on my winter garb and we went a hunting. i love sunflowerseeds, there the best thing to eat when i just feel compelled to chew. a man yelled at me once for spitting the shells on the sidewalk outside turks while i waited for melinda. i, in turn, pointed out the fact that there were cigarette butts all over the place!!

so knickers is giving me some curtains. she gave me some a few months ago when i was buying the house, and i have to say... i don't know what she was thinking!!! maybe if i was a middle-aged woman living in the 1990s i'd like them. like, they're too out-dated even for her! inspite the fact that i hate them, i don't have the heart to turn them down. but in truth, i'd prefer to have no curtains at all them use those ones. much to the dismay of sarah and joanna, who have mentioned on several occassions that our back door has no curtains and people can see into our house. c'est la vie...

wow, this turned out to be a long entry, i hope it didn't bore you. to close, here's a pic from yesterday's lunch, meghan looks so unimpressed. hahaha. she's funny. well i'm going to take in an early night. i hope my "getting ready for bed routine" doesn't take very long. i should check my clothes that are in the dryer. i'm appreciating the dryer since its the last time i'm going to use one for many years.

whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. unless it gives you post-traumatic shock.

typewriter

it was nice being back at next today. missing that week left me feeling out of wack. i went out for lunch with a bunch of the students afterward, which was fun and a nice way to end the season. i'm pretty sure that everyone around that giant table (and i'm not exactly sure because i didn't conduct a survey) is moving at some point this week. this is an odd time of year. i'm glad though that the majority of them are coming back in the fall. now that i've said good-bye to all the youngins i feel ready to move on to my next stage. that's good and i feel relieved. i also went to big house skateshop with meghan, i've always wanted to go in there but felt i didn't know the secret handshake. she gave me 3 hugs today! i also got one from michelle and melinda, but i think mindy's counts as 2. so i guess that makes me emotionally healthy, for today at least.

i walked home in the rain. it matched my mood. when i walked in the door, melinda said to me "what's wrong?", i started to cry. we sat down to talk over a cup of tea, then rhonda called and i started crying again. i had the two of them telling me in stereo "it's NOT stupid". i guess if your friends are going to gang up on you that's the ideal way. i appreciated that they validated my feelings. i'm going to be ok. its going to be ok. i suppose my move couldn't be coming at a better time. i'll start fresh in a new place. in the maxi pad (i've coined my new place the maxi pad – tribute to my fav movie reality bites). i'm all in a dither how to paint each room. i think what i'm going to do is take photos, then use photoshop to change the wall colours and decide based on the results of that experiment. my instincts tell me that i need to hurry to get my house semi-finished or set-up, but i'm going to try and remember, there's no rush. the process is part of the pleasure. i feel that way about knitting sometimes, i get so excited about my project that i rush to get it done then feel a little disappointed when its all finished because i enjoyed working on it so much. michelle dropped off my completed bag. it looks great, i'm going to really enjoy it. THANKS SO MUCH MICHELLE!

i won't forget you
at least i'll try

walkie-talkie

last night melinda and i went to the fembots concert at the grad club. i'd been listening to her show last week when she was giving away free tickets and no one was calling in for them so i did. its cool, i'm going to do that more often.

we had a really good time. well i'm speaking for both of us here, really i think i enjoyed the concert more than melinder but we both had a good time. the bus driver was there, and we had quite a long visit with him. he's a funny and pleasant guy. i felt comfortable with him, perhaps too comfortable because i ended up telling him the secrets of womankind. oopsy. i don't think guys realize the crazy things girls do when infatuated, and unfortunately i let the cat out of the bag. now if he sees us doing what seems like a casual nothing, he'll know we're in fact up to no-good. melinda also shared with him the theory of the crazy-psycotic girl that's in all women. its interesting how the crazy-psycotic girl can take over and make a usually stable girl do insane things. frig. i was thinking today about the champagne melinda made me drink last night (btw i blame my lack of filter on that) which lead me to think about another memory from years ago and i found my self thinking "HOLY CRAP! i can't believe i told so-and-so that!!! how embarrasing" but i blame it on the crazy-psycotic girl, its her fault.

a few of you may be familar with my "spice factory" story, and i have to say... i've got to stop leaving my car windows open in the rain. i kept sitting on a wet carseat all day and was left with a damp bum. the spice factory was years ago, its time i move on.

tonight i went to chris's 3rd year show at st lawrence. they had some nice stuff, its encouraging to see they're changing with the times and modifying their projects accordingly. i was a little nervous about seeing my old teachers, but figured they may not remember me. then it hit me, i graduated 5 years ago!!! wow! time flies, but really it was a long time ago. if you think about it, meghan was still in highschool when i finished!! shocking. anywayz, i ended up talking to my old teacher michael, he approached me, otherwise i would have slipped by him. conveniently, i went to highschool with his daughter so we had more to talk about than just the show. surprisingly he didn't ask me more about my job, but still i am proud to have told him "i work for bombardier". i'm glad to be using my education, i know it means a lot to them. my teachers at slc are like disapproving parents, who you secretly hate but still desperately want their approval. funny how that is.

my heart is where it's always been
my head is somewhere in between

cheesecake

my mom is leaving for her annual trip to the u.k. on sunday. i thought i'd write pam a letter for her to take with her. so i biked down to murney's tower and penned my note. it got me thinking about things in my life right now and this is what i've concluded.

i'm sitting on the brink of a new phase of my life. true, i'm not like some of my friends who are graduating or moving off to new places, but i'm facing change nonetheless. they are as follows:
• moving to a new place
• living on my own again – not living with melinder & irina anymore
• various friends moving away – both short-term and permanately
• april's contract is up next friday – so i won't have any young friends at work anymore
• living room is over

maybe those things aren't huge, but all compounded i feel a sense of loss. i'm sure after a little while i'll adjust and really enjoy this next stage, but just the waiting and saying goodbye that makes things really hard. i'm not sure how to handle it.

another thing on my mind is this independent streak i have. i think its both good and bad. good that i'm happy spending by myself, but bad because i use it as a defence mechanism. over the years i've found depending on people can result in being let down. i'm talking let down big time. it was interesting talking to my mom tonight, because she's the same way. she shared with me what she's recently learned, that we need people and by being independent its denying that need. she said it more eloquently, but you get the gist. so as much as i'm not willing to give up this characteristic that has become part of my nature, i'm going to humble myself and learn to accept help from others. because i CAN'T do everything alone and there's no reason why i should have to. i've been thinking about my move, and tonight my mom asked me who i have to help me. currently i have al (tbc), but i haven't asked anyone else. i hate asking for help. i told her that its partly because i hate helping other people move, and she pointed out that's the downside of being independent – it makes you selfish. then i got thinking, i'd happily help beckie move, rhonda move, next move. i'm sure there are other people who may need my help too, what i'm saying is maybe i don't mind helping as much as i used to. i've got to stretched in this way or i'll eventually break. well i guess while we're on the topic... if you're available next saturday to help me move, i'd REALLY appreciate it. many hands make light work. besides, i can get some beer and pizza.

How long to sing this song?
How long...how long...how long...

untamed heart

i got a postcard from kristen in the mail today. its really funny!! i love getting/sending postcards.

so anyways, i went to the screening room tonight and saw "the new world". just out of the blue i felt like going there by myself. when i used to volunteer there, i'd see a movie a week, but i haven't been going regularly for some time. there's something about the nice weather that gave me a hankering to take in a flick. i like going there alone. it makes me feel confident & interesting. also, i get to sit in the very front row and take up all the seats. the movie itself was ok, not super. it turned out to be the story of pocahontas which i did NOT except. it was educational and sad. and it made me realize deep down i'm a hopeless romantic. the pocahontas character was beautiful, but at times she kind of looked like a man. strange. it was unbecoming.

i biked down there and back. that was a mistake. it was way too cold for what i was wearing and i felt like i was dying. i kept pushing myself because i knew stopping wouldn't help and if i kept going i'd eventually get home. its probably only 10 minutes on my bike. but jeepers it was cold. i'm a silly girl who lacks foresight.

ah crap, i really need to start packing. i just don't know how long it'll take, so i'm not sure how much time to set aside for it. well i got me some boxes today so i'm all set. when i was at food basics getting boxes i bought some meat and green beans, then actually made dinner when i got home!! wow, craziness.

my dad just dropped by to give me my vegetable bag for this month. i was really grumpy and snippy with him, i felt bad for being such a bad conversationalist.

ok so i'm starving for something exciting to happen, or for some good conversation. if you need someone to vent at i'm all yours.

i give this entry a C.

she is beautiful but she doesn't mean a thing to you.

north street

alrighty, this is my official entry for today, so lets get crackin...

i went to the goat tonight and bumped into the forbes'. that was fun. it was a very pleasant surprise, and laney gave me a hug which i really appreciated. they say "one should have 5 hugs a day to be emotionally healthy", in that case i'm in trouble.

i'm probably more hard on myself than i should be. nah, its more my confusion. sometimes i think i'm totally great and hot-to-trot. i'm not sure what that saying means exactly, i hope its not rude.

well i can't think of anything interesting to share, so have a look at a few of my pics...
top: the teen girl squad at the central park zoo (i proped my camera up on a statue to take this picture on the timer).
middle: the girls eating the cupcakes we got at magnolia's (a bakery in a sex & the city episode).
bottom: me presenting our recycling fanatic neighbour.

i hate when things are over when so much is left undone.

bones

i just got my nose pierced for the second time. yup.

its bleeding more than last time which they predicted and they told me not to touch it for 2 hours. i'm all about following their instructions to a 't' from now on. the problem is that its a beautiful day out and i feel self-conscienous about going out in public since there is obviously blood on my face. oh well. i'll just have to read while i walk and i'm sure no one will notice.

this isn't my entry for today. i just feel a need to tell someone about my bloody nose. i feel disconnected, probably because i just spent 4 days in the constant company of my friends and now i'm alone again. i don't even have any emails to read. and i'm feeling sorry for myself thinking no one will ever be in love with me ever again. darn spring!

take my hand for tender,
i am tortured, ever tortured.

bittersweet

beckie and i went for a really nice long walk down to the water tonight. we sat on big rocks eating our portable dinners pondering why it is that life has to be so complicated. we came to no solid decisions, except to say that there are more shades of grey than we were aware of. when is "the time"? how young is "too young"? how can you be "high-maintenance" and "easy-going" at the same time? why do assholes look like normal people?

i really wonder why our hearts and heads don't get along more. why can't we justify our feelings? why can't we reason with our hearts? i'll never know. i look at my parents and shake my head thinking "it never gets easier". i suppose you can make better decision for yourself. but ultimately i wonder if we're destined to keep falling into the same holes.

i had a rough start to my morning. i swear, if i was able to get back into bed and start today over again i would have. it was infuriating. lets just say i got to work 45 minutes late. ouch.

i got an email from my mom today. she went to pennsylvania dutch country with her small group. i thought that was ironic since i went to nyc with part of my small group. it sounds like they had a good time, she said they had fun and good laughs, especially when visiting the amish town named "intercourse". which made me laugh-out-loud and think maybe they weren't so different to us after all.

i loved walking down the streets of manhattan with the girls. we'd walk in one wide line of four across the sidewalk like the ladies on sex & the city. it was cool. it felt great.

i feel like talking a lot. hmmm. i get like that sometimes. sometimes i just want to socialize and feel like having a job gets in the way. oh! i wonder if kristen is coming home soon. i should email her and find out.

its hard to believe i'm moving in 10 days. i'm excited and overwhelmed at the same time. for someone who doesn't like routine i also seem to abhor change. my mom thinks that comes from the instability of my life. i think that's true. its interesting how life events can affect us way after the fact, although i think i've been purging myself of such things – becoming closer to my natural self.

i hit an iceberg in my life
but you know i'm still afloat

croutonskill

how YOU doing... i'm home from the "teen girl squad in nyc" adventure. it was so amazingly fun. i had a really good time with the girls (laney, linds & lissa), it was nice to spend more than a few hours with them.

well, i don't know if i can fit our whole adventure into this one entry. girls... if i hold back, don't be offended. sometimes there are things i like to keep to myself and not exploit on pspd. its not because i don't care, often its because i care too much.

anywayz, we made it there just fine. safe and in good time. we took the metro-north train into the city and i'm certain it was a bbd train. i was uber excited about that. when we got to grand central station i dragged the girls into the transit museum to look at the history of new york's subway system. it was really neat.

i think i'll point-form-it from here on in:
• our hotel was nice. we got a kick out of the fact that our room's view was "a huge pile of" trash. and we checked daily to make sure it was still there.
• we went to china town for dinner and it rained on the way, but that was the only time. we got soaked, but it wasn't cold so that was ok. the food was awesome and i gobbled it down. after that we went to little italy for dessert, which was a little ritual we developed of going for dessert every night.
• our first night's sleep didn't go particularly well. poor laney had an awful nights sleep and nicknamed me "tossy". i literary rotated "side-stomach-side-back" all night, which i don't usually do, but i think it was a result of my pillow falling on the floor. among all the tossing my nosering fell out and by morning it was too late. i'd lost my piercing... so sad. i was nausous about it.
• that morning we went on a central park walking tour, which was particularly beautiful because the trees are blooming and blossoming (which resulted in an early allergy season for me). we spent some time at the central park zoo and saw the penguins being fed. it was awesome. we also saw puffins, sea lions and red panda's (which made me think of you meghan).
• we also went to strawberry fields and saw 'the dakota' where john lennon lived and was assassinated. john is my FAVOURITE beatle, so that was totally awesome for me. oh, on that note... girls i just looked up the first name of lenin. its vladimir. no wonder i couldn't remember it.
• after a quant lunch on the upper-west side, we went to the world trade center and visited ground zero. that was pretty sobering. my only regret is that i didn't go there in 2000 when i was in nyc the first time so i could have really appreciated the void left behind.
• we did some shopping on canal street (a.k.a. anal street) where i picked up some 'jackie-o' type sunglasses, an awesome belt, a "i heart n y" t-shirt (this is my 3rd one, it seems to fit properly so looks like 3rd time's a charm").
• we also went to various parts of the city – soho, tribeca, gramercy park. saw st. pat's cathedral, radio city music hall, nbc studios, rockerfellar center and so on.
• yesterday we went on this "movie and t.v. tour" and saw the sites. it was neato and really fun, they also gave us 'black & white cookies' from that one seinfeld episode "look to the cookie".
• at dusk we went to the brooklyn bridge which i really liked. i have this fascination with bridges. i wanted to be an architect for a long time and i think that's where that comes from.

well that's getting quite long and i should go to bed. i have to say, its pretty sad to come home to only one email in my inbox :(
am i not loved??
by the way, thanx sarah ;)

girls: here's a quote just for you...
hot as a hairdryer in your face
what's that referring to?

in new york you can forget, forget how to sit still

coffee

well i think i'm packed. that actually didn't take as long as i expected which is worrisome.

i went out to sol latino with rhonda and isaac for dinner tonight. we had the special which was shrimp fajitas with shirley temples. it was pretty darn good. the funniest thing happened. i got a cup of tea and when i poured it, it left a smiley face with the bubbles! it was crazy!! the three of us sat there laughing amazed by it and it wouldn't go away even when i added milk and sugar! it did eventually started to dispurse after a long period of time, which was a bit of a relief because i didn't want to stir his face. he was just so happy! we wished we had a camera.

something i've been noticing lately, and forgive me if i've told you this before. i don't think i have, i think i mentioned it in an email to meghan once so that's what got me thinking i've already blogged this.... anyway, today i got an email from my co-worker, jan, in berlin. we've chatted on the phone quite a bit and worked over email, but we've never met. the thing i noticed about the email was it was addressed as "hi les" which i really like. i always introduce myself to people as lesley, but there's something about when someone calls me les that i really like. i think its usually because they've taken the initiative to call me les since i never told them to call me that. i associate it with a closer, more casual relationship. i remember al has called me les from day one, which i really like. other people are more cautious and use it almost with a question mark. i've noticed recently that some of my newer friendships have been reaching the point where i'll sign emails to them as les as opposed to lesley which signifies a lot to me. there are times when there's a distance between me and a friend or i'm upset with them that i'll revert back to lesley. there was even a rough patch with matthew where i'd sign emails as mcknight which was a very bad sign. basically, i'm saying i prefer les but not in the way that i'd ask people to call me that. its more what it represents to me. and with that being said people can choose to call me whatever they want. i respond to pretty much anything. i think that's conditioning from my dad and my sister who have hordes of nicknames for me. you'd never hear them or my mom ever call me lesley, well not to me directly. joelle called me les one day, but only once and never again. i'm not sure what prompted that in the first place.

well that's it for today. we're heading off to the big apple tomorrow. linds is going to pick me up at around 6:55, so i should probably hit the hay, but first i need to take my jeans out of the dryer. have a nice long weekend!! happy easter :)

you've got an unquenchable thirst for new york.

dizzy

i've had a really awesome day!!!!

i managed to get invited to the butlers for dinner again!! yay, i'm not going to die of starvation. thanks guys! hangin out with the butlers is fun.

after that sarah and i went to the goat, where we bumped into melinda and irina. i like spending time with sarah, i feel very real with her. i think its partly because we're a lot a like. i know she understands me and won't judge me if i say something inappropriate. when it started getting busy we went back to her place and continued our visit. i like that paul was there too and that they both gave me really good feedback and perspective on life. i value what they said and it really confirmed what i was already feeling. i'm on the right track, or was and need to get back there. sometimes that's easier said than done, but with friends like that who have valid concerns and care about me, how can i go wrong. its good to be honest. part of me wondered if i should hold back, but in the end didn't and i'm better off for it. i should hang out with them more often. well i promised sarah that i'd tell her my "big mysterious story", so we'll have to make a date for that.

tara gave me a cookie that she baked, i think i'll take it to work and have it with my mid-afternoon cup of tea.

immediately after leaving the butler's place i went to beckie's and we headed to the merchant. unfortunately, i forgot my id and when we arrived the guy wouldn't let me in. that's so dumb. i'm fricken 26 years old!!! he said the manager was insisting he see everyone's id, but seriously if they're concerned about getting busted for having under age patrons than that's not relievant since like i said I'M 26!!! we had to drive home and get my bag and return where i presented my driver's licence and gave him a dirty look. if i was going to lie about my age i wouldn't pick 26 because that would seem a little far fetched.

i should go to bed. i'm tired.

come stop those little boulders rolling down the hill.

milo

ok.... who wants a postcard from new york city??
send me an email with your 411.

phone call

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about a guy i don't know very well. not about him in a romantic way, just about his situation and how he might have gotten there. in a way i see him in everyone. we could all be him. i think these thoughts are triggered by a song that i keep listening to on repeat. my compulsion to hear this song is connected to this guy – i want to listen to it in part because of him, and yet listening to the song triggers thoughts of him. i find myself thinking i'll solve his problem if only i keep listening, but i know its not that simple.

i had a date with carolyn to go have our nose rings changed. it was exciting. i'm glad she was with me, i was nervous for some reason, more nervous than when i first had it done. maybe because i got my nose pierced on a whim, and now i've had 6 weeks to build up the anticipation of going back. the lady working the desk was scary, and she overwhelmed both me and carolyn. anyway, carolyn went first and i held the mirror. she did really well, she got to take it out and put it in and take it out again. i didn't get to do that because my piercing is newer than hers. but all in all it went well, i like this one better because its smaller and sits inside my nose instead of always sticking out a little. i'm all nervous that it'll fall out in my sleep or something.

i went to the butlers for dinner after our trip to blackstar. it was really nice, i felt like i had a good and complete meal which is a novelty since i've only cooked about 5 times in 2006. its nice to feel full. i really appreciated the invitation.

afterwards i went for a nice long bike ride. my legs and butt felt worked – right on. i biked down to my bank to cash my $6.44 cheque, then wandered down to confed to read. it was beautiful (ah, there's that word again). i like that in the park, this guy had a rope tied between two trees and he was tightrope walking. who does that?? what kind of town has people tightrope walking in a park for fun?? that's awesome. i love this city. i know to some people its just k-hole, but its home to me.

i'm sorry if you end up hearing a lot about my bike rides. i guess i used to talk about the Y a lot too. but i love riding my bike and always feel so invigorated. i just sat there in the park thinking "i'm so happy. i'm so bless. this is good."

changing the world one pixel at a time

grin

i went for a really nice bike ride tonight. and i have to say.... i have the COOLEST bike helmet ever!!! if you haven't seen it, you're missing out. its actually a skater helmet. i'm hardcore. i really like biking, and i have to say, i feel pretty skilled and fearless on my bicycle. which i find interesting because most of my "serious injuries" are bike related.

well anyway, i biked through campus and then ended up at murney's tower, my fav place. nice. it was so great sitting there and i thought of my anonymous friend (i don't want to embarrass him in exposing his identity) who used to go to that park and tearfully say "its so beautiful". i used to laugh at him because it was so strange, but it is pretty beautiful. oh, while were on this topic, i find it interesting how subjective the word "beautiful" is. my friends find some people beautiful who i wouldn't find attractive and vise versa. i find it interesting that you can find someone beautiful who is clearly imperfect. i guess it goes to show that admiration is forgiving.

anyway, while i sat at murney's tower under false pretenses (meaning i went there to read and found myself just thinking instead), a strange man came up to me and asked me to take a picture of him in front of the tower. i agreed, partly because i was relieved that was all he wanted. so i took his pic, then he said "can you take another one and get my coat in it this time?" i'm not sure what he meant by that because he was wearing his coat so clearly it was in the first photo. it was so weird, and yet i find it really funny.

a friend told me the other day "don't let people make you feel stupid". i really appreciated that. that's a good thing to keep in mind. it was valid for that topic and many more. i'm going to post-it note that one in my brain.

if you don't love me let me know,
if you don't love me let me go.

infinite confusion

oh man, i'm in big trouble. why didn't i see this coming?!? awww CRAP!!

i've had a fun day. i've grown to really love sundays, they're usually chalkerblock full and most enjoyable – i look forward to them all week. when i walked home from the goat this afternoon i was so exausted and i shuffled my feet the whole way. it was quite the challenge. i think it was the load of mcdonalds i had in my belly. gross. when i got home i collapsed on melinda's bed and lied there for an hour making various grunting noises and occasionally ranted about my problem.

i have a lot to say. and yet i want to be selective about what i say. i've concluded, although this isn't a recent realization, that i'm a blabber mouth. i want to get control of that. i don't want to be that way. i don't like it. so what does that mean? how does that translate in my head? not sure. i don't know how to filter what's appropriate and what's inappropriate, but i think the key is to think about things before i let them blurt out. or to hold off saying things because later i may be glad that i did. discretion is a good thing.

i was talking to andrew and paul fiorillo about work at the party the other night. they were asking about any possibility of me moving to another city via a promotion. i mentioned that we have an office in berlin and in montreal, and as much as i think i would be qualified for a postion there, the fact that i can't speak french or german is a set back. so they were like "why don't you just learn how to speak french and german if that's the only thing holding you back?" i like how it sounds like such a simple solution. and that's something i might seriously consider at some point, but i'm so AWFUL with languages that i'm afraid it wouldn't go well. its like sewing and squash, as much as i desire to do well at those things, it just ain't gonna happen.

i had to find you. tell you i need you. tell you i set you apart.

dreadlocks

i've had such an interesting day. if this spring day is any indication of what i have in store this summer i'm excited. i headed out today and saw laney was outside her house doing some gardening and stood chatting with her for a while. waved at chris and abi who were outside their house and soon shannon came home with eleanor. after that i felt i should get going because i hadn't eaten breakfast yet. so off i went and on the way to the goat i popped in to see beckie. when i arrived at the goat i saw jason and rachel were there so started visting with them. eventually, i thought, i really should order my grill cheese sandwich but by the time i ran across the street to get out some money they closed the kitchen and wouldn't make me a sandwich. ahahahaha, serves me right for waiting til 4:00 to have breakfast. i love bumping in to that many people in one day!! i was thinking this morning (my morning, not actual morning) as i sat at the kitchen table drinking tomato juice out of my (get this) heniz ketchup mug (hahaha, so ironic) that a lot of people i know are going away, but no doubt i'll have new friends next year and i wonder who those people will be, or are rather.

i'm really glad that i bumped into rachel and jason. we've only really talked less than a handful of times before, and considering that we dove right into some deep conversation topics. i really liked that. it really fed that "intense conversation" part of me and in hindsight, my mind feels sharper. its one of those iron sharpens iron things. i like how we could talk and we each had different thoughts, opinions, views and experiences and we could all throw them out there to be discussed. and we had a fun time too! because you know.... its all about the fun times ;) i hope i bump into them another time.

on my walk home i stopped into tribal voices and saw some long scarves. i'd just been commenting to rachel that i like how she wears these long scarves, so i felt inspired and bought one. but i just tried it out, and i haven't yet mastered it. it looked dorky. i think i need a tutorial or something.

well i really should get going. we have a nyc planning meeting (i'm late, its currently on the go) and then i'm heading to joanna's for a girls knit-a-thon.

am i part of the cure or am i part of the disease?

paper cut

we saw a picture of him in a magazine today. we thought he looked fat.

i've had a good week at work. but at 3:00 today we heard they were going to announce the winner of the bid for the ottawa light rail transit project. so we waited with bated breath for the next hour when over the p.a. they announced we had not been selected. i'd say that's the worst part of our business – waiting for the news, then the huge disappointment of a loss.

i remember reading in our lady of the lost and found that "one should be hopeful but not expectant". that notion really embedded itself to my brain like a foreign object and the more time goes on, the more relevant i find it. like today for example, i was hopeful we'd win but was prepared for disappointment. i don't know, its the way of life really. i like hope, when its not misdirected. don't be delusional or anything.

alison sent me an email with a computer question, and that got me thinking about all my friends who have macs. i'm actually really surprised by it. before the only mac users i knew were designers, but now lots of people have them. oh, i've been meaning to ask you... i haven't quite figured out the widgets. i just updated my operating system from osx .28 or something, and it didn't have widgets. does anyone have any good suggestions on which ones to download? i use the dictionary one and the calculator one.

i'm getting really exciting, this time next week i'll be in new york city. hurray!!! i'm stoked. my big first road trip, and i'm going with the girls. its gonna be so fun. so ya, i won't be around next week-end, so no entries then – i know, it'll be tough. just kidding.

well i really need to tidy my room, or hmmm, maybe i'll try and avoid it. oh crap, i can't i've already dumped my laundry on my bed to be folded. folding laundry is one of my least favourite chores. i want to go for a walk, but its kind of crappy out and i have some more vacuuming to do before the "big party" tonight. (i'll let you decipher the quotation marks yourself.)

all the people that i love aren't here

limestone

i'm pooped. i just vacuumed the couch and living room and that was tiring.

well anyway, i went with beckie to grass creek park to walk her dogs. actually, walk around with her dogs. it was really amazing there, i'd never been there before. it was fun. i liked how the ground squished under our feet. i climbed to the top of this crazy rope climber thing and could see really far off. i felt like i was really high, but when i climbed back down and looked up it didn't seem so high at all. off in the distance was this crazy huge mansion, it reminded me of harry potter or something.

i've felt so busy lately. that's partly why i quit the Y, i thought i'd have more time. but instead i feel more busy. its weird. everything seems so time sensitive lately. probably because of my up coming move, or the fact that if i'm going to see my friends who are students sometime its gonna have to be within the next few weeks because they're leaving town for good (well actually only one or two). i don't know. its a funny time of year. i just need to be careful that i don't stretch myself too thin.

a lady at work told me today "when you came around the corner just now you looked like a model out of a magazine! nice outfit!!" i laughed and thanked her. what a funny thing to say. but regardless it made me feel good. its interesting that she could have kept that to herself, but decided to share that with me instead. i always tell people the things i admire about them or whatever because its such an essential way to build someone up. i'm very thankful when people say kind things to me, so i in turn do it to others. it really throws me though when it makes people uncomfortable or they don't know how to respond. i can't comprehend that. but they probably can't comprehend me either.

well i've gotta go, i'm expected some where....

what if it all means something

knitwise

buddy sent me this self-survey email things i'd sent him like... let me think... i was still living on clark crescent... i was dating jason... i was in college... so i was 19 so in 1999, so 7 years ago. he forwarded it to me because he found it in his old email account or something. it was pretty funny. i'm amazed but how much i've changed and yet in many ways i haven't changed at ALL. here's some examples:

favourite thing to do on the weekend: sleep
what is your most prized possession: my bellbottoms
favourite movie: reality bites
what's your favourite band: the beatles and u2

those are some that are definately still true, others weren't true at all anymore, and others we still true but slightly different. i find this one particularly interesting since i hung out with dawna tonight for the first time - best feeling in the world: the excitment of a new friendship or experience. as i walked down the street to my car i had a bounce in my step and that sentence popped into my head. it IS neat to get to know new people, which is actually ironic as dawna pointed out tonight that its pretty funny that we've been at next almost as long as each other and we'd never really met before. i had a really great time, she's really interesting and was EVER so helpful with my knitting. after showing her my bag i feel much more pleased with it. part of me is bothered by that, i think "why do i need people's reassurance that it looks ok??" but really it think its more i'm able to see it through someone elses eyes and not be so critical of it. she also taught me to purl properly since melissa pointed out the other day that i twist the wool when i purl. after talking to dawna i'm all pumped to rip-out my current knitting job and restart with a more interesting stitch.

i had an interesting day at work. our president, ray, is visiting from pittsburgh and we had these small departmental meetings with him. after the meeting fran called me and said "your comments to ray were very polite and charming" i thought that was nice of him to say. he was referring to the fact that when i was asked who i deal with in beijing and i said "lisa chen" he said "oh lisa, you'd really like her. you'd get along very well. you should meet her" so i said "well you'll have to send me over there then". hahahaha, i'm telling ya, i'm gonna travel a lot through my job or die trying.

you have a pretty name – pretty like your name

dishcloths

i hate it when i'm with a group of people who are good friends or have had an experience together and talk about all these inside jokes or past events, but don't bother to fill me in. i find that rude. i feel at liberty to say this because its something i'm very conscience to not do to others. i remember joy telling me once when my friend jodi was visiting from ottawa when i was around 16 that i should always explain to her what me & my friends were talking about so she didn't feel left out and that has always stuck with me.

my relationship with joy is unusual. she helped raise me. and i'm grateful to her for that. she's only 3 years older than me, but about 90% of the time when i say "my parents" i'm referring to mom and joy.

it hit me yesterday that living room is over. that makes me sad. i really enjoyed it. i hope everyone else did too.

so i'm quiting the Y, but before i do, i'd like to use my last free guest pass to take a friend to play squash. who wants to come with me??

melissa said yesterday that i'm a good sloucher. what does that mean do you think?? i was telling this to a man at work and asked him if that was a compliment or an insult. he said it didn't sound like a compliment. but really, melissa is a sweet girl and i don't think she meant anything mean by it. its true, i do like to sprawl on chairs. i don't think i'm capable of sitting properly. but i don't think that constitutes slouching, except for when i'm slouching.

melinda's friend "goat paul" is scared of me. i find that so amusing. he finds me intimidating. i don't know why! i'm nothing but friendly to him. jeepers!!

i'm late for bed. and usually that results in me being late for work. although, today i was up bright an early, but got caught up in reading an email from meghan than sat on my bed looking out my window for quite a while. and got there late. i'm not blaming meghan or even my bed for that matter. its just the facts. i'm stating the cold hard facts. now i must go...

hallelujah seems to be the only word.

disheveled

i have a lot to say today. so in order to maximum this entry without becoming long and boring i'm going to share some things in point form before getting to the climax of my day.

• i saw two blue herrons today. (i know, not too engaging but still a point of interest – cut me some slack i'm still just warming up)
• i skipped the Y today and went for an hour walk to find a gift for devious.
• my co-worker in korean sent me an asian fan as a gift. i'm not exactly sure why she did, but i really like it. this is now my 3rd gift from my asian co-workers. why don't my european co-workers send me gifts!! what's up with that?? i got a t-shirt from taiwan and a change purse ummm... also from taiwan. this fan is way nicer than the one i bought from some asian lady for one dollar while in line for the ferry to the statue of liberty.
• i really enjoyed walking in the rain today. it was really nice. i just remember feeling "wow!! i'm not in a rush, its nice out, life doesn't get much better than this".
• i've been anxious all day because i wrote an email to a friend but i haven't heard back from her and now i'm all in a panic that i said something wrong. foot in mouth disease.
• lately i feel like my insides are being squished by my upper body. i think its something to do with the way i sit at my desk. so to counter that i tried to sit really up right all day and that just made my back hurt too.
• i think i own (and wear regularly) 10 different pairs of shoes. melinda is intrigued by men who own a lot of shoes. 10 probably isn't a lot compared to most girls, but i wonder what it says about me. if you were to read "number of shoes owned" like someone could read tea leaves.
• i've concluded there's nothing more disappointing from an email from yourself. i feel like "aw man!! i've already read this!!!"

now i've reached the main course of today's entry. the earlier stuff were just the appetizers.

today is devious stares birthday. we had quite the adverture trying to find a resturant that was open – apparently the universe didn't want us to eat. however, we eventually found a place and had loads of fun. "we" being beckie and chris, and me with my "date" melissa. it was fun to get to know chris better, i especially appreciated that he seemed to think i was HILARIOUS and laughed at most things i said. i like people like, they make me feel like i'm on a roll. kingston is a small town, he may be friends with my problem in the red t-shirt, if we're talking about the same guy. man, i'm drawing a blank, i wish i could remember more from dinner because it was a blast. oh the awesomest thing happened... our waiter carded beckie which is hilarious because its her 28th birthday. NICE. ok well here's some pics in honor of d. this first pic is of us on new years with little r. and here's another one of my pal beckie, i love this picture because she looks so beautifully melancholic.

well my pjs are in the dryer so i don't know what i'm going to wear to bed. i'd prefer it not to be damp whatever it is. so i should take of these socks. i've realized i really like wearing shoes around my house. i don't know what i'm going to do when i move because i told my landlady that i'd remove my shoes when i come in to be considerate of the neighbours below. well i didn't tell her that, but i agreed to it. good night.

this is the way God made me.
this is just the way i'm meant to be.

kingdom

i was feeling a little bored this afternoon so i thought i'd go down to s&r to get some wool, but when i got there it was closed. it was so nice out that i didn't want to go straight home so i went to murney's tower to do a crossword puzzle, but just sitting there was too cold so i started walking down the path. i saw these two people on a bench looking at me, wearing rollerblades. it turned out to be matt and shauna! it thought that was really neat because if i hadn't gone walking down in that direction i would have missed them completely. it was nice to see them because its been quite a while. they look A LOT alike, its pretty funny.

matt told me that my ex-bestfriend and her boyfriend have broken up, and i have to admit i'm secretly delighted. does that make me a bad person? probably, but whatever. it was a bad situation or i wouldn't be happy its over.

i had sunday lunch with my family today. sometimes i'm amazed at how sheltered my mom is. she'd never heard of a geisha before or rick mercer. i don't get it. how is it possible that she can live to 59 and be so unaware. its unsettling.

when a stone is dropped into a pond, the water continues quivering even after the stone has sunk to the bottom.

faux blondes

this whole changing the clocks thing blows goats. not only do we lose an hour sleep, but now instead of getting up at 6:15, i'll be getting up at 5:15. it won't be pretty. i'll feel like i was kicked in the stomach every morning.

i have unusually wide feet. well maybe not unusual but they are wide, that part is true. i decided to wear my airwalks today. they've been my gym shoes since last august when i got my membership, but i saw them in some pictures the other day and thought that i want to wear them. but they're not super broken in yet and make my feet feel like they're been squished width-wise. actually, not my right foot, just my left foot. aw crap, i just thought i'd try slicing the side of the sole to expand it a little and ended up slicing the suade. argh. that's so typical me – lacking the foresight that something like that might happen. ah! just realized my laces are too tight. oh darn i've been wearing my shoes like this for over a year and it could have been fixed so easily without the stabbing of its skin. now that problem has been solved i think i'll wear them more. i like how they look, they've just always hurt my feet so i've been avoiding them.


well bud, you'll be glad to know i've finally finished your bottle cozy!! yay!! it looks pretty good. my confidence in my knitting ability has been demolished by the outcome of my bag. its not looking so hot. but i have to admit that's mostly the fault of the lining, and i haven't finished it yet because i think it's going to go from bad to worse. i'm always so critical of my creative ability. not in my design work, but my hobby artistry. i don't draw very often because i never like how it turns out. but today i found i had a hankering to do some drawing so i found a picture from a magazine and did a sketch from it. i actually think it looks pretty good. one thing i learned from my life drawing class i took last year is to draw what you see and don't make stuff up. when you draw it how it is, that's when the perspective and proportions turn out correctly. i like that i live with 2 fine arts majors. and when i was talking to rhonda on the phone tonight i told her i felt like drawing and then i'd come over, and she said "ooooOOOhhh" which i really liked. she's a really great artist too. being around art inspires me to become a more literal artist in my own right. i felt so pumped when i was at the andy warhol museum, which by the way smelled like damp carpet. which was particularly strange because it wasn't carpeted. i was baffled.

body and beats I stain my sheets I don’t even know why