one of my favourite sounds is a lawn mower cutting grass. not only is it lovely white noise, it conjures up summer feelings. a relaxed pace of life. a departure from regular routines. eamon, otis and i sat out on the back deck watching brendan mow the lawn this evening. the sky was blue, the grass was deep green. eamon had a snack, i had a cider, and otis kept grabbing at evening – keeping life interesting. it was a sweet, sweet moment in my day.

confused

i am glad that mental health concerns are being normalized in our culture. everyone struggles with their mental health sometimes, even if not everyone has a serious diagnosed condition.

one thing i'm confused about though, is there a difference between an unhealthy person and someone with mental illness. i'm certain i have known people in life who are self-destructive, and they make a negative impact on the lives of the people around them. i have learned to be guarded with such people. i have lost friendships when the toxicity just became too much for me to manage.

so i get confused by these ads that i see that compares mental health with physical illnesses. with the message that you would never ditch someone for having diarrhea, and mental illness is just as real. true. but does everything fit under the mental illness umbrella? where's the line between mental illness and someone making destructive choices. are we supposed to endure everything others dish out? because mental and emotional problems impact others in a much different way than physical illness. and it can take its tole on relationships.

truth be told. i really don't know. i want to be loving all the time, but find sometimes i get burned.

connected

the fellas and i went for an outing to value village this afternoon. i bought us some books, two onsies and a replacement yellow bat for eamon. while i was there, i bumped into frank. he's one of my favourite people. we stood talking for quite some time, and i got an update on all his family. i wondered what the people around us thought – as in how did we know each other, or the nature of our relationship. not related, not peers, clearly well acquainted and fond of one another. he was definitely my work best friend. it was really nice to see him. sometimes i wonder how we'll maintain our friendship now that we've both left the company, thankfully we both frequent thrift stores :)

cold turkey

both eamon and otis are at really nice ages right now. otis is getting really interactive, and is starting to feed himself finger foods. plus, he's past that stage when a baby can cry and cry for no clear reason. eamon is capable of more and more, and is understanding a lot. much more like a kid than a toddler. i find that things are going especially smooth since i've been implementing what i've learned through the peaceful parenting book.

the family i grew up in yelled a lot. we yelled when we were angry, but also just to communicate. my mom hated it, even though she did it too. brendan's family was not like that. the peaceful parenting approach has inspired me not to yell or be loud when communicating. not only has it not been as hard as i expected, i feel like it's really changed our atmosphere. sure, sometimes it feels like i'm still ineffective at getting eamon to cooperate, but at least now i'm calm and ineffective rather than loud/angry and ineffective.

tonight eamon was simply not tired, and i couldn't get him to stay in bed. b was at a band practice, so i just stayed calm and just tried to wait him out. there was no point in getting mad. i knew he wasn't purposely "disobeying". he just couldn't sleep, and that happens to everyone sometimes. so eventually, he did nod off at 9:30. and i was able to carry on with my evening as planned.

i am delighted to discover that i can walk to shoppers in 23 minutes. sure, that's not the most handy little stroll, but i like having a destination to walk to, and i often need to pick up things at shoppers. so i can see this being a very good discovery. plus, there's a dollar store right next to it, for those little items that i'm looking for.

i have concluded that this summer, i want to get to know 5 to 6 houses on my street. i'm gong to include both kirkpatrick and oak, since my street is attached to both of those. this seems like a good and realistic number. my goal is to be on a first-name basis with more neighbours. summer time is the best time to do that.

ballpark

when i was a kid, i used to watch baseball on tv with my dad. he would also listen to it on the radio. i thought it was his favourite sport, it was mine. i was surprised to discover as a teenager that football is his favourite sport. i have never in my life watched a football game with him. that strikes me odd. anyway, i was only ever allowed to watch 1.5 of tv a day. except one summer, my mom agreed to let me watch more whenever a baseball game was on. so i took that to my advantage, and watched the game simply because it allowed me the opportunity to watch more tv. however, come the next summer, she did not remember that arrangement, so it was only one summer of unlimited baseball. because of that, i have very positive associations with baseball. it's a relatively calm sport. it's slow moving with lots of dialogue. it's great white noise. the more you watch, the more attached to the individual players ones gets.

i dunno if it's eamon's interest in sports, or just the season of our lives, but brendan and i have gotten back into watching baseball. we figured out how to watch it online. the other day, i said to him "i wonder if there's a schedule we can print out so we can know when there's a game on". he said "we're turning into my grandparents".

breezes

i love being outside with otis. he LOVES the outdoors. from day one, it has calmed him and bring him great contentment. i look forward to seeing him discover and explore the great outdoors.

today i split chalkboard paint on the asphalt pavement.

and ate more chips that i should've.

it's amazing how much better one feels when they actually get to complete a sleep cycle.

perceiving

i had my mom over for dinner tonight. b is in T.O. with his bandmates to see vulvpeck (i'm pretty sure i've spelled that wrong, but that's my preferred spelling). after dinner, i suggested that eamon put his laundry away with the help of gran. they got started, but he soon came to me complaining. at first i didn't know what the issue was, but he had a tattle-tale type of voice. then i caught that he was saying "gran is doing this" and demonstrated her crumpling his clothes together. i laughed out loud when i realized he was upset because she was folding his clothes. we don't bother folding, and instead we just cram clothes in drawers. 

sometimes i forget that if i don't expose him to stuff (like folding laundry and raffi) than he doesn't learn that stuff.

i tend to feel a little embarrassed about not keeping a perfect house, because my mom's and sister's houses are impeccable. i'm more like my dad. i'm cleaner, but i'm not naturally tidy. living with little people doesn't help. thankfully though, i've started clearing out our newborn baby stuff. unfortunately, i misplaced some key screws for bassinet when i washed the fabric, and i couldn't find replacement ones at the hardware store.

lint

my heart is feeling a little heavy. it seems that a lot of people, those i know and don't know, have been touched with difficulties at the moment. from relationship challenges, to loss of loved ones, to houses and neighbourhoods being flooded. and i don't usually have the right words to give comfort.

i also feel a little uneasy, because i'm in a small pocket of peace. we're finally in a rhythm with our two kids and routines. we just had a great vacation. we have so much to be thankful for. and i guess i feel a little funny about that. i don't know if i've ever felt at peace like this before. guiltily peaceful.

i feel weird about it. but at the same time, i should try to use this pocket to encourage and lift-up others. it might be a fleeting phase, so i should make the most of it.

on my way

i like watching grace and frankie on netflix. frankie is so warm and full of life. she really appeals to me. sadly, i concluded today, that out of the two of them, i'm probably more like grace. ugh. so frustrating. it's hard to know if it's nature or nurture, or a combination of the two. i do hope that as i go through life, that i can continue to let go of all the things that bind me. i know that i have wiggled free of quite a bit.

i was thinking recently about myself in my early twenties. i don't really have any patience for that version of me. i'm startled sometimes when i think about all the experiences i had never had or even knew about. i don't even think i'd ever had guacamole until my mid-20s. like, that's weird to me. maybe in about 15 years, i'll think of who i am now and i'll just seem like a fraction of myself. i know i still have a lot to learn, and a lot growth and development ahead of me. i'm grateful for the gentle patience my loved ones offer me as i slowly get it.

tangible

now that we're home from mexico, i have shifted my attention to landlording. we have a new tenant moving in at main street in two weeks, and another tenant moving out here in one month.

getting main street cleaned up, touched up and fixed up (new exterior kitchen door is being installed tomorrow), it is time consuming, yet satisfying. it's good to see efforts producing results in an immediate fashion. sometimes parenting takes months and years before seeing results.

this afternoon i left eamon at josh and corky's place to play with oscar and ezra while i did some work over at our main street house. he had a blast. it's been almost 2 weeks since he was at daycare, and i think he misses having kids to play with. i really appreciated their willingness to have him over.

while i was there, tinkering in solitude, i was reminded about how great that place is. i love our new house, and so sometimes i forget how much i loved living on main street. that doesn't surprise me, because sometimes when we'd be away for a few days, i'd feel like our place was too small. but then we'd get back there, and i found that i loved it just the way it was. it was good being there. like spending time with an old friend. while it didn't make me want to move back there, it felt nice to visit.