sinnerman

believe it or not... but i actually took the plunge and got dreadlocks – in spite of my hesitation.


i went to rachel's place around 4:20 pm, we got started around 4:40 pm and we finished at around 12:15 am. we did very well considering we stopped for about an hour for dinner. the team of dreaders included rach, jill and shannon. they all did a fantastic job. they each have their own signature style, and i love that my hair bears testiment to that. how it works is they use a flea comb to backcomb into a dread then palm roll it. it's very time consuming. but was really fun, we just chatted and listened to music, and i read the kids stories while they were still awake. i particularly enjoyed getting to know jill better. they all think it looks fantastic (particularly because my hair is so long), and jason said it looks good too. they think it really suits me. jase said that my regular hair isn't crazy enough for my personality, but my dreads are a little closer. right now they're super poofy, so i tied them back into pigtails for this photo. i look pretty tired, because i am. you might be able to tell in the above photo that i've put wooden beads on several of the strands, it's pretty exciting :) you might also be able to see that i left the bangs area undreaded. the photo below is the mighty girls at work, i've promised them all that i will return the favour.

right now i don't know how long i'll have them for. i'm thinking 6 months. definitely not more than a year because i want to comb them out and if it's over a year that will be next to impossible to do. i would never have done it if it meant shaving my head, so rest assured all you people freaking out about my long smooth locks, they have not been destroyed.

put on a smile,
breathe it in,
and breathe it out.

------------------------
addendum:
in the morning...

beads

EVERYONE! please send me your book suggestions. i need a few good ones to take with me to mexico, and could use many suggestions for my "to read" list. comment or email me your favourite books, or books you really enjoyed and think i would like. i'll read pretty much anything if it's well written – except i'm not a fan of scary. 

your help is appreciated.

the seasons have changed and so have we.

knotty

i'm really digging this going to bed on time thing. it's awesome.

my house is covered in very sharp icicles. sometimes i wonder if one might fall when i'm right underneath it, that would not be good.

my dad took me out for dinner tonight. it'd been a while since i saw him. i like my dad, we talked about books and foreign films. i couldn't help but notice how similar his fingers are to mine. sometimes it's like i was adopted and am surprised to discover that i have the same physical traits as someone else.

it seems to me that bad news provides more fuel for conversation that good news. sometimes good news is a conversation killer. that's probably why newspapers are filled with tragedy and scandal. not because there's more bad in the world than good, but because there's just nothing to say about good things. it's kind of sad really.

we're not the same, dear, as we used to be.

delayed

bren and i went to see doubt tonight at the screening room. it was very good and effective at accomplishing what it sets out to do. and for the record, some nuns DO wear wedding rings :)

i feel as though i'm slowly getting back on top of things after who knows how long. i actually shoveled by walkway today. yesterday i put away all my clothes, this evening i did all my dishes. these are important steps to me feeling no longer overwhelmed. maybe tomorrow i'll vacuum.

tim gave me the latest death cab for cutie album for christmas. it's a great album, and what i love about it that over the course of the last month almost every song has been relevant. even the songs that at first i couldn't relate to, i now do. it is the most life-cohesive cd i have ever own.

i purchased the lonely planet for puerto villarta, i had to order it and was able to pick it up after work. i'll be in mexico in one month! i'm excited, and this new lonely planet book will make for good perusing.

oh, look at the time. i need to get into my single bed now. sorry if i didn't get the chance to respond to your emails yet, it was not a very email-friendly day.

i've still got miles to go.

rush

have you ever been suspicious that every man you've ever liked is actually gay? just throwing that out there. it's probably unlikely for most people, but i love gay men :)

speaking of gay men... i went and saw gentlemen reg tonight at the apple crisp concert series. he was great. it was neat because apple crisp has had to change venues because the church basement they were using is no longer available, so they've started using next. i didn't have anyone to go with to the concert, but since it was at next i felt comfortable going by myself and assumed i'd bump into some people i know. and i was right. as soon as i started looking for a seat lyon called out my name and i sat with him and tracy. later garry came along and joined us. next is a great concert venue, for smaller bands. it's warm and intimate. it was funny when kevin pointed out the star wars space ship and the crazy piggy bank that live on top of the speakers. he found them hilarious. it was interesting to me how accustomed i am to the oddities of next, plus i realized after that he probably didn't realize i'm a member of that church. it's never really come up before.

WELL, last night i went to bed super early and it rocked (the casbah). i was able to get up without hitting the snooze button 3 or 4 times, and actually got to work 15 minutes EARLY! this leads me to believe that going to bed at an appropriate time enables me to get up on time, which means i can arrive at work at the expected time. how ingenious.

would you want to see
if seeing meant that you would have to believe?

nike

sometimes life makes me want to throw-up. and other times it sets my feet a dancing.

this evening at the Y i heard a girl telling her friends how she wishes she was born in 1979. that would've been her ideal year so she could've experienced the 80s more. it made me smirk secretly. it was nice to hear my year of birth being envied. it is a pretty awesome year to be birthed.

i've been tracking my dreams – looking up their meaning on the internet ever since that llama dream i had last week. it's been VERY illuminating. there's a reoccurring theme of me feeling overwhelmed, overly worried, etc. i need to find a better way to cope. i don't know what to do to help me feel more centred and grounded. i don't know what other people do who work full time and have busy social lives. the maxi pad is a total mess right now because i don't have time to tidy, nor do i have the interest when i actually do have some free time. i'm a little frustrated that i haven't learned balance yet. all i know is that when my dreams are trying to tell me that i'm overwhelmed than i've definitely taken on too much. they don't ALL tell me that i'm overwhelmed, they tell me other inner fears too. i kind of wish they'd tell me something uplifting for a change. mind you, i've only been tracking them for a week, so maybe tonight's the night!

it hurts a little. i'm aching.

i'm pretty sure i was about to fall asleep in relaxation part of yoga class tonight. i'll take that as my cue to go to bed asap. sayonara.

convince me that the truth is always grey.

boomerang

i'll give it to you straight and say that i woke up very grumpy this morning. no particular reason, i just assume my alarm went off during REM sleep or something. my grumpiness quickly morphed into me simply feeling sore in every way except for physically. church was fine, lunch with my family was fine (except my mom randomly invited a guest to join us, so we weren't able to have a real family conversation – joy & i were disappointed about that), then i came home and spent the afternoon in a funk. i knew tonight was tracy's austraila day party, but i felt so grumpy and sore inside that all i wanted to do was curl up into a ball in the dark. i waffled back and forth, trying to decide if i should stay or should i go, and eventually decided to make an appearance, but not to shy away from telling them i was feeling low. nothing to be alarmed about, just having one of those days. BUT, in the end, i had a very nice time. actually, simply walking there in the cold and the dark was invigorating. i plunkered-down in one spot and talked with the different people who sat the the seats beside me. it was kind of nice to chat with people i rarely cross paths with. i'm glad i went. although, the alternative probably would've been ok too.

last night i went to the banff film festival with mike & bren. it was a good time, and the films were well done. the most unexpected part of the evening was when someone started calling for the lights because a woman had collapsed or something, and we had to wait around for 20 minutes until the paramedics took her away. oddly enough, melissa was sitting right behind the woman. crazy!! mike & bren commented on the very granola crowd. i concur. it's given me heart pangs because i can't get dreads even tho i desperately want them. it's not the dreads that give me pangs, it's the reason why that hurts so badly.

well, i'm going to get ready for bed now so that i'm not inexcusably grumpy tomorrow.

what would you ask if you had just one question?

smooth

con•nec•tion: a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else.

i feel connected to you. to her. with him. with them.
i don't connect with that, her, him or them.

how is that? what makes people connect? doesn't simply talking, spending time together, being friends, sharing ideas make us connected? and yet it doesn't. some connections are instantaneous, others come over time. sometimes people are bonded together thru trial or experience. sometimes happenstance or circumstance can break what was once strongly bonded. sometimes connection is just slowly lost over time, just as others slowly grow.

i think one of the most puzzling things about connection, is that it's not a two-way street. there've been many times that i have felt a strong connection with someone, but they didn't feel it with me. likewise, i've had many people feel connected to me, while i didn't feel connected to them at all. there's a lot of things at play – a lot of balls in the air. timing, stage of life, place in life, fullness of life, fullness of headspace, these are all factors. it's kind of like a door with multiple locks, each connection is like an engaged lock. the more secure locks the more connected two people are.

when i was a teenager, i had this friend with whom i had a strong connection, we were able to know what the other person was thinking just by locking eyes for a split second. and yet, there were many other ways (world view, personal style, certain values, interests, physical attraction) where we did not connect, so i decided against dating him and we eventually grew apart. i didn't realize that we were even connected in a unique way until i came across someone who DIDN'T know what i was thinking by linking looks. i still stand by my decision to remain just friends with him, but i miss our friendship. however, he totally did not get me, and i don't miss that at all.

sometimes trying to connect with someone is like trying to put on a shoe that's 2 sizes too small. it feels forced and very uncomfortable. but the thing is, i long to have connections with all i interact with. but it seems that's not possible and i don't know what to do. i can't just cut out certain people because we don't connect. i always hang-on hoping a bond will grow or regrow against the odds. but i suppose feeling a deep connection is not essential for some people, or maybe they've never felt truly connected to someone before so they don't know what's missing.

all i know is that i'm far from perfect, and i can't be as great of a friend to everyone as i'd like to be. i wish that some friendships came much more naturally. that the connection was instantaneous and long lasting. but i suppose knowing that true connections are unique, and can take time to develop makes them all the more cherishable. i think i've been spoiled with strong connections throughout my life and that's ruined me a little bit. even now, i have great friends and great connections, and for that i'm very thankful.

in the silence; it became so very clear
that you had long ago disappeared.

suzuki

it's the equivalent of him saying "he almost got his right leg cut off, like a million times" meanwhile i'm sitting there with only one leg. it's hard to feel sorry for the two legged person who lets a flesh wound paralyze him.

who am i?
somebody just tell me that much.

bongo

this evening we gathered at the erbs place, just as we do bi-weekly. we eat snacks, drink tea, and share laughs as we share stories, tales, and narratives. it was a smallish group tonight. many regulars absent from the table, but good words were streamed into lovely sentences by all present. on this night, i feel inclined to share with those outside the group the things i wrote. i often do this in short excerpts, mostly going unnoticed by those visiting pspd. but this night i'll point it out, so that you can get a little window into our gatherings.

1) write about borders.
Invisible, yet present lines drawn over land and sea. Dividing up what is theirs from what is ours. They sometimes follow the natural shapes and grooves of the earth – creating natural division. Other times they're jagged and senseless. Leaving me wondering about the story left behind in the alcoves of history. They remind me of scars on the surface of skin – telling tales, whispering the past to those not present at the time of the earth's division.
Although these borders mark the edge of political realms, they also divide languages and people groups. Nations and ethnicities neighboured – living side by side. Divided by themselves and others. Often separating quality of life, social justice, and basic human needs.

2) write a letter to your 8-year-old self.
Dear Lesley,
I know you're just little. and that's difficult – nay, impossible – to enforce your opinion against the will of your mother, but... you really shouldn't have gotten a perm. I know it's the 80's and all, but you'll later regret it. Along with the mullet. I just thought you should know.
Oh, and by the way... it's going to be ok. I know right now those words of assurance may seem strange, but in a year or two years from now, they will be comforting. See... the thing is... life won't always be the way you know it. And well... sometimes big sister's are wrong. I'm hesitant to warn you about this, but it's my hope that reducing the shock may also serve to reduce the hurt.
The thing is... Dad is going thru a rough spot. And there will come a time, in the not so far future that he is going to leave, and not come back. I'm not going to lie and say it won't be hard. It will actually cut you to your very core. But know that he loves you, and that it will be ok.
And that perm will grow out too.
Love Les

3) write about always and never.
It's always "never and always" for me. Never something in the middle. Far left, or far right. It's an impossible way to exist.
There's so much weight in those words. Pressure placed upon myself when I think along the lines of all or nothing.
And yet, there's something incredibly alluring.
Always.
Never.
They're so certain that they seem to provide some comfort, when everything else is out of whack.
"Always" – that word invokes lightness, a sense of warm on my face.
While "Never" is cold, dank and dark. Denying me. Refusing.
I'm caught in the middle. Unsure which way the domino will fall. Always waiting. Holding my breath. Never comfortable until it topples.
Always.
Never.
Such potential in those words.
Foreboding and intriguing.

i found #2 easy to write, and difficult to read. much more difficult than i expected. i couldn't stop myself from crying. parts of my stitched-up insides swelling and breaking thru the seams. i guess some wounds don't ever fully heal, no matter how old they are.

if i spilled milk inside my boot, i wonder how long it would take to dry.

there's nothing to do but believe.

1%

ok.... so... i know you've been googling rachel greenwood like crazy. you've googled her and found my blog about 6 times today already. may i suggest you add quotes to her name? "rachel greenwood" that might help narrow your search a little better. btw: the internet is not as private/secret as you thought it was.....

on that note... who's been visiting pspd from u of t? hmmM?

i have this blue bag (it's a large purse actually, but i have an adversion to the word "purse") that i've taken with me on all my travels during the last half-decade. it's accompanied me to london, paris, kenya, new york, pei, nunavut, and montreal. i'm inclined to create a photo montage of my beloved blue bag on location, but instead i'll just do this. and this. and this. and this. and well... the thing is... it's getting a little worse for wear. so i'm caught in the dilemia, do i try to do yet another trip with this bag, or should i leave it behind and buy something else in mexico. alternatively, i could just replace it with the same bag of the same or different colour. i think they still sell them at very shari. maybe i'll pop in there on saturday and take a look, maybe they don't have that kind anymore, which would make my decision for me.

shan and i went to the goat this evening. i feels like it's been a while since i went there on for a weeknight visit. it was great. i love the goat, and bumping into people i know.

it makes me smile. even when i don't want it to. i fight it and yet my lips still curl at the corners. it's as though my face has a mind of it's own.

sometimes i feel like i'm just randomly coursing thru the universe in no particular direction. here's hoping i land on something soft.

last night i dreamt about riding a llama on a journey. i googled that to see what it meant. it said: to see a llama in your dream, represents deep trust, strength and endurance. it may also mean that you are worrying too much and carrying too many problems". interesting.

feeling the same as i did yesterday.
feeling the same as i might do tomorrow.

leprosy

it makes me blush a lot. each time i think of it in fact.

i blog everyday as an outlet. not as a habit, it's a consistent need that i have to share details of my life. today i have nothing to say, because i wrote back and forth with a friend all day. that's a huge factor to how much i spill in this space.

you know what? i can't be certain of the exact date, but it was 5 years ago around this day in january. it was both the best and worst day of my life.

i'm desperately craving spring. not that there's anything wrong with winter, but spring is my season. i was listening to a song on my ipod that gave me a flashback to how great spring is. i anticipate it with great expectation.

lord, make me an instrument of thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

o divine master, grant that i may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
amen.

voodoo

yesterday at brenda's place i fixed myself a cup of tea and upon taking my first gulp, i discovered i'd used salt instead of sugar. even though it was in a metal tin clearly marked as "sugar".

for those of you following along at home.... no, none of my postcards surfaced on the post-secret site this week :) i need to get around to making my next 2 cards. my fifth and final card is still yet to be dreamt up.

i'm terrible at time management. i waste time very frivolously. i hate it. while at the same time, really loving it. it's a very organic part of who i am. pruning that part of me would be painful and therefore very ineffective. sometimes i just have to accept myself as i am, and learn to enjoy myself without feeling guilty about my deficiencies. it really is ok. we all have them. it's a matter of being self-aware enough to block-out periods of my day for time-suckage. people often comment about how it takes me 45 minutes to get ready for bed. it makes no sense. i realize that. there's no explaination, i just fart around, wasting time. but instead of fighting it – because i really like being frivolous that way – i just have to plan for it, because it's out of my control. it's going to happen no matter how disciplined i try to be.

when shannon returned a book i lent her, she commented on the piece of paper she'd found inside it that i'd scribled on. it said "i've never been so repulsed by one person in my entire life". i laughed when i reread it. and i'm laughing now. i love that she found it, it was unrelated to the book, and i'd forgotten it was embedded in the pages. so funny.

you may leave here for 4 days in space
but when you return, it’s the same old place
the poundin’ of the drums, the pride and disgrace
you can bury your dead, but don’t leave a trace
hate your next-door neighbor, but don’t forget to say grace.

egg-cozy

i dropped by bren's place this afternoon for a quick visit while her kids had a quiet time. that quick visit turned into spending almost my whole day there. i ate all today's meals there. i enjoy days when my plans fly out the window and instead i let myself get caught in the moment. my only regret is that i drove the 400 metres to her house because i thought i was going to run some errands afterwards. oh well. i borrowed four weddings and a funeral from the melles' and watched it when i got home. i really enjoyed it. no one plays an awkward englishman better than hugh grant.

i'm sleepy. i'm gonna go flop into bed shortly. i've been clenching my teeth in my sleep a lot lately. i think it's stress. hopefully that'll dissipate shortly. i think it will. during my chat with bren today, i told her i don't know what to do, and she encouraged me that there's nothing i need to do. but instead, i just need to be open. i think that's feasible, and i like how fluid it sounds.

this might be hard to believe, but my apartment has been FREEZING lately. i even had to use my space heater. i'm going to have to talk to the girls downstairs, i'm thinking they turned down the thermostat because it was really hot before, and now it's too cold.

with eager tongues we taste our strife,
and fill our lungs with seas of life.

dry

i love that al is insane.

neon

it's not a game.
and i don't want to play.

i am on a road that leads to nowhere.

i'm excited about my new knitting project. they're a pair of fingerless mitts. knitty dot com has such great patterns. some of the nicest/funkiest. i've got to pick me up some purple yarn tomorrow. i love that i make things like fingerless mitts, and bodyless sweaters. it's very suitable considering my name is les. what's next? a hoodless hoodie? OH! i AM totally planning on knitting toeless sox!!! hahaha. that's hilarious! i'm going to make toeless sox for when i paint my toenails, they're called pedicure sox. hahahahaha. at least i'm consistant.

the truth of it all is that i'm too much everything. (too strong. too fragile. too bold. too timid. too silly. too serious. too confident. too paranoid. too good. too crappy. too mouthy. too inarticulate. too extroverted. too introverted. too regular. too unorthodox. too sensitive. too jagged. too intense. too apathetic), and yet not enough something. but what IS that something??

it's time for a distraction.

come see where your eyes cannot see.
and close your eyes, child, and look at what i'll show you;
let your mind go reeling out and let the breezes blow you.

confession

i like my friend shannon just because she's weird.

i got a promotion today at work. i'm now the "communications technician". i hate my new title, and i especially hate that "graphic designer" has been dropped, even though i understand why. i won't go into all the details, but it has something to do with the fact that the term "graphic designer" is a huge red flag, and the knickers had to change my title in order to hide me. i'm like moses – a little graphic designer in the reeds. my new title is lame, but it came with a higher level (i'm a level 8 now instead of a level 7) and a pay increase (i don't suspect it'll be very significant tho). i wish i was more excited about it, i guess i'm not because it's just evening out what i actually do with what i officially do so it's making very little difference. but i'll try to be optimistic about it... they ARE recognizing my contribution to the company. i've worked there almost 5.5 years and got a promotion 3 times, i shouldn't complain, most people don't get to advance at all, much less 3 times. at times when i doubt myself, i'm always reassured by my job – it's something i KNOW i'm good at, and was at one time a building block from which i rediscovered my self-worth and confidence.

i went to my very first clothing exchange tonight. lucky for me rachel erb was there and dispensing of some of her extra stuff :D i got some nice things.

i'm burning.

when i was 13 years old
i woke up one morning
thighs covered in blood
like a war
like a warning
that i live in a breakable takeable body
an ever-increasingly valuable body
that a woman had come in the night to replace me
deface me

late

i found an ipod in my glove compartment today. it's not mine. it was totally weird.

i'm | THIS | close to finishing david's scarf. it looks GREAT. it's 6'6" without the tassels. i hope he loves it. i think he will, my only concern is that it's rather thick, it's much too big for me. but he's bigger than me so i think it'll be ok. i'm pretty proud of this project because it involved a lot of innovation on my part. at rachel (greenwood)'s place the other day, all the ladies were commenting on my unusual technique, and i had to explain that what i was doing was rather unconventional (picking up the side-stitches). but midge put a twist on it and said it was "innovative" – i liked that. i do take my share of risks with knitting, i've always thought it was because i don't know any better. but maybe from now on i should think of myself as a knitting maverick, i'm trying to stop selling myself short.

i participated in my first "wellness committee" meeting today at work. this is a big deal for me because i don't usually do stuff like join committees, – i never did extra curricular activities at school either. it's a stretch for me, so that's cool. it was a good meeting, i was able to suggest they salt the walking path we all use at lunch time and a few other things.

how i wish you could see the potential.

cannons

one of my favourite things about my life is the opportunities i have to go have visits with my friends. this can often be a source of frustration for me because i sometimes feel i have pockets of friends but no circle of friends – that i don't belong to a specific group. but this evening i see this as a blessing – that i have the freedom to do so. i had the pleasure of time with rach on her super short couch, and occasionally jase joined in our conversation. i'm very fortunate that i like all my friend's husbands, and am just as happy having them join us in our talks. we ate these salty caramel chocolates that were very confusing for my taste-buds. it was seriously the most deliciously confusing thing i've ever eaten in my life.

this might go without saying, but i am a written-word kind of person. it's my best way of communicating – my weapon of choice. mind you, i would never choose an email over a real conversation, but writting is my most effective form of self-expression. i'm not very eloquent in real-life, and can get frustrated with myself for not expressing myself the way i want to in conversation. ANYWAYS... not everyone feels that way about emails or letters. some people much prefer to pick up the phone – i hate those kinds of people. and unfortunately, i think that's caused the ultimate demise in some friendships/relationships. i can guarantee that i'd be much closer with my sister if she communicated the same way i did, or even had an email address. other friendships have been formed exclusively because of email. so my dilemia is... what do i do about these people who do not enjoy the written-word?? i have a friend who lives out of town and really wants to call to chat. i don't want to talk on the phone. i HATE IT! i would much prefer if he just emailed me his latest news. granted, a conversation can usually go much deeper/into more depth when it can go two ways, but i just really hate the phone. although, there is part of me who misses thoses all night conversations with someone special. i guess that shows there are exceptions to every preference.

i might still make it to bed by 11:30...

barefoot in the shallow creek,
i grabbed some stones from underneath
and waited for you to speak to me.

galore

i really like yoga class. which kind of surprises me a little because i'm not a very flexible person and i'm not very graceful either. BUT when i'm do yoga i feel very fluid. i almost feel like my body is made for yoga. and perhaps my temperament too, because i like how slow paced it is. i like how there are long periods of time when we get to stand there bent over with our arms, torso and head just dangling. it feels really neat. i find people in classes very unfriendly. if they talk it's only with their friends. it's too bad really because on tv and movies i always got the impression that people make friends at aerobic classes or art classes. maybe it's a generational thing, or maybe just an age thing. it seems the older people get the more outspoken they are with strangers. maybe when i'm a life model in my late 60s i'll meet all sorts of people. i've started thinking about joining a book club. i don't know if i could fit one into my life even if i knew of one to join, so instead it'll be one of those things i tuck into the recesses of my mind for down thr road. i'd also like to volunteer at the library. ANYWAYS... back to the yoga topic. i wore my lululemon pants tonight. i felt swanky. and when i walked down the hall afterwards i felt super sexy. i think yoga will help improve my posture. this is good.

i like that after over 29 years i'm still capable of surprising my mom. i surprises myself sometimes too. i think that's excellent.

i wonder when that distinct dread will kick in. that feeling that often sweeps over me after the reality of what i've done sinks in. maybe it won't. after all, i'm straight as an arrow. blunt as a cigar. i think i did it because i was scared to, and sometimes it's necessary to do something for no other reason but because it's scary.

we used to really like this song. we'd listen to it repeatedly. it brings a lot back. i've concluded that i'm not a comfort-food person, but instead i'm a comfort-music person. beckie told me that some of my best friends are songs.

nothing other than a sick desire for self-abuse.

pneuma

i'm breathing.
in and out.
it's a secret.
the sound of my breathing.
telling me.....

stamps

i got the most hilariously sketchy phone call from david this evening. he has a lot of explaining to do. he's lucky i love him as much as i do or i'd be rather unimpressed with him right now.

tonight i had the pleasure of going out with rachel laforest for bubble tea then to a concert where we were joined by tim & tracy. it was a good time – i'd never been to barnone before.

as i worked away on my first two post secret postcards (which i mailed out today by the way), i listened to my favourite show on cbc radio 1 – GO. today's topic was about the 7 story plots of literature, it was very intriguing. they are as follows; 1) overcoming the monster. 2) the quest. 3) journey and return. 4) comedy – can be misunderstandings as well as humour. 5) tragedy. 6) rebirth. 7) rags to riches.

sometimes i feel like i live on the periphery of everyone else's lives.

i'm freezing. i'm going to bed. but first i need to try on my bikini.

you wonder if you missed your dream.

obelisk

shannon is so great.
i'm so fortunate to have such great friends.
and affirming friends.

i struggle with feeling that i'm mediocre at everything. it came out in my writing at storytellers last night. immediately everyone contradicted me, and showered me with love and affirmation. bren emailed me later and told me that there's nothing mediocre about me. i thought about it and concluded that i set my standards too high and am too hard on myself. this evening when shannon was over, i told her the saga of my early days – shan is a great participant in my storytelling – and retelling that tale reminded me of all that i've overcome. how much healing i've experienced, and it made me think that perhaps i'm much more extraordinary than i thought. i don't dwell in my past very much, i'm not proud of it. but it's so long ago that it's barely a blip on my radar and that makes me happy.

i showed her the beginnings of my post secret postcards. they made her laugh and that made me happy. i'm very excited about this undertaking. i don't suppose any of them will actually be selected, but i like sending things out into the great unknown. and as far as i know i'm the first person i know to submit something.

frank taught me how to de-ice my windshield using a bucket of hot-water.

i love that shannon's dad didn't believe her when she told him i was 29 :)

oh my goodness. i totally need to go to bed. i've been the WORST getter-upper all week. it sux.

there i knew it would be alright,
that everything would be alright.

abrupt

it's like standing at the edge of a huge pond, and placing a hand-made paper boat in the water, then watching it float – slowly, gradually, moving farther and farther away.

banff mountain film festival world tour is coming to kingston on january 24th. i told some of you about it at storytellers tonight. i'm looking for some friends to go with, so let me know if you're interested in going. (watch the first 2 minutes or so of this clip, the rest is about the sponsors – the footage is still cool, but less essential). tix are sold at trailhead. i can't remember how much it costs, i wanna say 13 bux in advance and 15 at the door.

i decided during my drive home from work that i want to create a postcard and send it in to post secret. actually, i think i'll do about 5: a confession, an amusing tidbit, a love letter, a tragedy, and a thank you note. that will be one of two new things for january.

what is this dream that i'll never find.
what is this prayer that's stealing my mind.

cool

i danced and danced in my kitchen while attempting to do my dishes. it would've made for an amusing sight to anyone walking by, but i don't care. perhaps some of the fun would be contagious, and they'd carry on their way smiling. i hope so.

i had my performance evaluation at work this afternoon. i got "superior results" or "role model" for almost everything. does that surprise you?

i feel cozy tonight. it might be this sweater. it could be this song. but i feel engulfed and warm. i'm slightly agitated, but mostly peaceful.

yuck.

if, along the way, something is gained,
then something will also be lost.

[blank]

shinny

i don't make decisions.
i do make mistakes on my knitting projects.
i don't play mind-games.
i do need face-time with friends.
i don't do mornings.
i do act on my talk.
i don't know how to cook.
i do think it's too soon.
i don't mind walking in the rain.
i do have a weakness for 90s dance music.
i don't listen to my voicemail messages.
i do respond to emails within 5 minutes of receiving them.
i don't have to worry.
i do lose momentum.
i don't like being put in boxes.
i do enjoy surprising people.
i don't cloak awkwardness very well.
i do have a tape deck in my car.
i don't have comfort foods.
i do sleep with a very flat pillow that i fold in half.
i don't mind going back to work tomorrow, but...
i do mind having to wear my work-clothes.

listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide.

the willies

someday i might have:
• a boyfriend who annoys me by the way he breathes
• a husband who doesn't always know the best thing to say to console me, which will sometimes make it worse
• a life-partner who farts, or smells, or is somehow a little gross
• clashes of wills with my life-partner and will have to learn to compromise
• to consider someone else other than my own desires
• in-laws who i'll have to spend half of my holidays with
• a mother-in-law who is manipulative and interfering
• a whole new set of siblings to deal with
• to move away from my life and start over, feeling almost completely alone
• a baby that keeps me up and makes me want to pull out my hair because it's taking me away from my precious sleep
• kids who keep me so busy that i no longer have afternoons of pure reading pleasure
• teenagers who rebel or crush my heart with their poor choices
• no time to go to the gym for some exercise
• noise i can't shut off or tune out
• less disposable income
• no privacy or a place to call only mine
and when i have those days... please remind me of these days. and how i sometimes feel alone. how i feel like no one wants me. how i don't belong to anyone. how i fear that i'm becoming selfish because i only have to think of myself. how i feel the pinch of one income. how i have no one to share meals with. how i hate that there's no one to help with housework or with putting the garbage out. how i am scared i'd never get the chance to have kids. how the uncertainty of my future sometimes overwhelms me.

no scenario is perfect. this isn't and that won't be either. i'm happy most of the time, but when things are bumpy i tend to idealize what i don't have. i suppose everyone does sometimes. i'll continue to work at appreciating what i have while i have it.

i cursed myself for being surprised
that this didn't play like it did in my mind.

pretzels

beckie and i went to the boiler room climbing gym tonight. we'd both been there before, but not for a long time. i did a fair bit of wall climbing and repelling while in youth group, but haven't gone since. i've been wanting to tho, and it was very fun. however, i do find it very scary when i get high up the wall and the grips get harder and my hands get sweaty. it get's me quite nervous, which makes me all the more proud of myself for doing it.

i want to know my fate.

piggyfront

we had a slumber party at melissa's place last night. it was very fun. and when i was all tucked in, zipped inside my sleeping bag on her couch i couldn't stop giggling with delight. it was a very enjoyable way to ring in the new year.

well, 2009. wow. does anyone else find this number big and a little intimidating? but never mind, it'll grow on me, i'm just hesitant towards arbitrary change. aside from the annoying change of number, i'm quite stoked for the change of year. can you imagine how mundane and relentless life would seem without the occasional changing of the calendar? yikes.

i've made a few plans for 2009. things i hope to/are planning on doing:
1) trip to mexico
2) my first bikini waxing
3) raspberry picking
4) hopefully take a leave of absence from work to go to scotland
5) practice lent for the first time – i'm planning on giving up meat

as far as resolutions go, that's a whole different story. when i choose to set resolutions i like them to be achievable goals, or like they say at work "measurable" (which basically means you're able to measure whether or not you achieved the goal). last year i decided to stop using plastic bags when i make purchases. the year before was to stop allowing food to go bad in my refrigerator. this year, i'm going to work on my posture – keeping my shoulders back. i think this will be the hardest of those three resolutions, but i feel confident that i CAN do it.

nothing changes on new year's day.