groceries

visitors came and went from our new home on saturday. popping in or staying for a lengthy visit. we gave each a short tour and ate snacks. it was fun. about 25-28 people stopped by in a fairly steady stream. we really enjoyed warming our house with the presence of friends and family.

yesterday i started making a chalkboard on the side of the kitchen cupboard. it was quite messy and chalkboard paint doesn't wash of skin as easily as other acrylic paints. i'm going to pick up some chalk on the way home from work and i plan to add a white trim to finish it off nicely. right now it looks weird having a black spot on the cupboard but i think it will look awesome when it's finished and it will be very handy.

i love the challenge of maximizing out space at the exile. jase commented the other day that there's no wasted space and that's very true. i hope to continue to master my use of space and be creative in my problem solving. i don't even notice anymore that it's just little. i found a great website the other night, apartment therapy, which is extremely clever. most times when i do a web search about how to live in a small space i get these websites with massive rooms and oodles of floorspace. so this site actually fits my concept of small space and provides really creative solutions. not everything they feature is small, but everything is inventive and inspiring. i think i'll become a regular there :)

 

if there's an order in all of this disorder,
is it like a tape recorder

can we rewind it just once more?

credenzas

at book club we all measured the circumference of our heads.

then i came home and played nintendo while listening to canadian indie music.

another satisfying day indeed.

the winter makes you laugh a little slower.

locked

it occured to me last evening (or was it today) that i may be starting to experience some seasonal affective disorder. i know it's plagued me in the past, and since i only just remembered to start taking my vitamin d, i can see that it may be kicking in. it is the end of jauary after all. i looked it up on wikipedia today and concluded that based on the symptoms listed i'm probably on the more mild-side at this time, but still something to be aware of. it said that outdoor exercise is important, so i'm going to take advantage of the clear sidewalks this evening and walk down to the grocery store. i think this is up my alley since it feels like a long time since i've enjoyed some outdoor walking under the cover of dark by myself. i always dig having that time alone with my thoughts and a good song on my ipod. i suspect this will do my heart well.

to combat it i've also been taking care to make sure i'm dressed warmly and comfortably. wearing too-tight or chilly clothes would make me miserable. unfortunately, i've been a little overheated in the feet today, but i'd gladly take that over being cold.

on friday brendan's classmates are having a get together at boston pizza. he's quite intrigued since he's never been to BP before. he told me yesterday that i'm not obligated to go, but welcome to join him. i told him that i'd go since i'm sure his classmates are curious to meet me and i'm certain they'd all wonder why brendan's wife didn't show up. you have to keep in mind, he's the only guy in his class (last semester there were 2), so he's something of a novelty. anyways, he responded with "ya, they probably would" (wonder that is). this made me giggle a little bit - i know what girls are like. no doubt they're extra curious knowing that i'm much older than him. one of his classmates told him that she was creeping him on facebook and was struck by how in love he and his wife seemed. she thought it was very sweet. we thought that was quite a nice observation.

honey has been on a hunger strike again. she's shrunk to have the size of pekoe. she's tiny! i hate it when this happens. when she's really healthy she's just about as big as koe-koe and her fur is all shiny. i hope she rebounds soon.

this morning as i left for work i opened the door just as jase walked past. i greeted him with a "hi jase, good morning to ya". it made me feel all chipper and neighbourly. there's just something that feels right about living among friends and knowing neighbours. i hope we get to know our neighbours soon. it's hard in the winter time, but hopefully come spring we'll be able to chat them up.

 

i'm still living at the old address.

mudder

i forgot to let people know that my dad's surgery was bumped back by a week. i got several very thoughtful notes yesterday asking how he is. another patient needed emergency surgery so he's now scheduled for next monday barring any other emergencies or him catching a cold/stomach bug.

did you know that there's a difference between a rabbit and a hare? i totally thought they were the same thing, but it turns out they're not. it doesn't even seem like their related species only very similar. they can't even be cross bred like a horse and a donkey can or a lion and a tiger. hm!

today i saw the word instigate and totally thought it was a typo. how strange! i actually really like the word instigate, but until now i don't think i've ever seen it in writing before. it was like this weird foreign stranger to me in print.

man, there's so many things that i don't know. hares and instigate...

i don't know if it's possible to get colds and sore throats from stress or busyness, but i think that's what i had. taking yesterday to rest has made me feel 100% better, except my back muscles are a little sore. i need to learn to take care of myself better.

i may be coming down with the winter time blues. i'm starting to feel a little bit of that separation anxiety i was feeling this time last year. and in hindsight, i think i experienced it this time two years ago too. not just separation anxiety from b, but i feel a constant desire to be home or among safe people. maybe it's simply a hibernating instinct or something. i would beeline home this instant if i could. i think there's just something about winter that makes one want to be warm and curled up on a couch in cozy clothes.

man, i could go for a cinnamon heart right now. i think that's a winter thing too.

 

we will take to the halls in the city.

squad

with brendan going out to a concert while i worked on my sermon on saturday night, and me being at home sick with a cold today, i ended up getting a lot of alone time at the exile. it eventually lost the weird feeling and now i feel that much more at home in our home.

the den is looking fabulous. i'm very pleased.

i've had this cold creeping up on me for days. it keeps holding on – not turning into a full-fledged cold and not going away either. my sinuses have been plugged and my throat sore. so i decided to stay at home today to rest in hopes regained energy pushing this cold out of my system. i think it worked like a charm because i'm feeling much better now.

fashionable people doing questionable things.

glue

it's occured to me that in the month that we've lived at the exile i've been alone in it for approximately a collective 1 to 2 hours. this is very strange for me. when i'm alone there it feels different. i feel so unaquainted with it. but when brendan comes home it feels normal and familiar again. i kind of don't like that. it feels like those friendships when you have this really tight circle of friendship with two other people, but then one day the one friend isn't there and it's just you and the other person and things feel awkward and you don't know what to say. that's how i feel with my house. i love it. i really totally do. but i think i need to have some one-on-one time. we need alone time to bond. and you know, i suspect after getting past the initial shyness we'd probably hit our stride and everything would be great and familiar again. i just never get alone time there so i don't know how that would happen.

tomorrow i'm painting the den. it's going to be this cold purple colour. one could even go so far as to call it a gray-purple. it's very new for me to go that direction so i'm curious about how it will turn out. and if i'll have enough paint. it's about the same size as the bedroom (if you omit the wall with the closet) and that only took two coats and used half the can. i'm hoping 3 coats will be enough. fingers crossed! brendan is not thrilled because the den is a pretty well used room and it means 1) being kicked out of it for 24 hours and 2) it means packing stuff up and 3) it means the rest of the house will be in chaos while all it's contents are elsewhere.

i've been listening to the brothers karamazov in audio format. i'm looking forward to painting while listening to it again. i'm really enjoying it. it's a pretty amazing story, very challenging.

 

i had two meaningful conversations with family members this week. i left feeling like i was able to be my true self in those discussions more than any other time. i felt like i do when i talk to you. i was able to escape the lesley i turn into in their presence and just be me. that was a big step forward.

 

here is the truth, i swear it used to be fun.

amateur

growing up i lived beneath her shadow. being young i didn't know there was any other way. as i emerged into adulthood i became resentful of it and i wanted to get as far away from it as possible. i feel i've lived my entire adult life trying to fight it, but you can't fight a shadow and it's never going away.

i don't want to be controlled or dominated by it anymore, but i realize there's no sense if pointing fingers or demanding that she take her shadow someplace else. to be near her is to have it touch me. it's part of who she is. so either i can go down fighting then be cast away and charged with mutiny. or i can accept the fact that i will forever haunted by this shadow and put my energies into different approaches. i want to dance my way around her shade. i can get close to it without it encompassing me. i'm not a helpless child anymore, nor am i an angry teenager. the challenge with shadow casters is that they like to spread it around. they can't imagine existing without consuming everything and everyone, so they cast their shadows like fishermen cast their nets. hoping to pull everything into their grasp. while that's their perception, that's not reality. everything cannot belong to them. to bring peace i must simultaneously let her think that she can draw me in while at the same time dancing just outside. i need to make my place on the edge where i can still feel the sun on my face.

if i want things to be different then i need to be different. i've tried running, i've tried fighting, i've tried resisting. i guess the only thing i've never tried, never thought to try, is to let my own shadow be seen - known, recognized, acknowledge. this isn't the easiest approach, but i suspect it's the only one that will create changed in our dynamics.

 

you may be workin' in a barbershop,
you may know how to cut hair.

brock

my dad is going for triple bypass surgery on monday. i joined him today for an information session where they told a group of people undergoing the surgery what they need to know for the day of the surgery and the 6 to 8 week recovery. my dad is handling all this very well and taking it in stride. he's a remarkably resilient person. i was glad that emma gave me the time off to go to the session with him. she was very supportive and said that's most important right now.

oddly enough the acronym for the procedure is "cabbage". he's having cabbage surgery. isn't that the strangest things you've heard?? weird, and yet amusing.

during the session my dad and i passed notes just like when i was little during church services. had he begun a game of tick-tack-toe it would've felt like 1988 again.

i'm hopeful that the recovery weeks will go faster than we can imagine and that it will be a positive experience for my family. one where we pull together instead of being overcome by stress and frustration. it could go either way really. but i'm going to work really hard to make this an experience we can look back on as a hurdle overcome with grace and peace.

won't you change this feeling under my feet.

open book

it seems that winter has finally arrived. at least it's pretty.

this weekend i painted our living room. it's this zesty and fresh green colour. i'm very pleased. it's our favourite colour so far. now i only have one more to do - the den. which will actually the be most complicated and inconvient of all the rooms i've done so far. the kitchen was a close second. but after that i'm finished.

b and i had a lengthy discussion the other day about several upcoming expenses we'll be facing in the coming months. in reflection, i knew i couldn't in my right mind insist that we take a trip to greece and turkey this year. it wouldn't make good fiscal sense in 2012. so we made the decision to put off that trip to next spring (because tickets are cheaper in may than in august), and instead take a backpacking trip to costa rica this summer. i'm pretty excited about this and feel glad that we're making a smart change to our plans. i got an email from beck telling me a bunch of stuff she did when she was there with her students. this will be great, and quite a change for us since our last 2 trips have been rich with history and this will be a very scenic trip with outside adventuring.

i like that i can see an island from my cubicle. an actual island. not a figurative one.

last night i found an old winter nighty that i had when i was a tween and decided to wear it to bed. brendan was quite puzzled by it as i brushed my teeth and commented "i didn't know you had this number" then pointed out that it said cuddles on it. the sleeves are a little too short, and it surprisingly goes up to my mid-shin - this surprises me because i remember having to cut it so i wouldn't trip over it. apparently i've grown. anyways, i slept so comfortably last night. it was amazing. i'm glad i didn't throw it out over a decade ago...

 

there's no glitter in the gutter.

malicious splashing

i've been working on a hat from the happy hooker book for 4 days. i should've been able to complete it in night, but i've ripped it out twice :S the first time was because i didn't like the colours. the second i was almost finished when it became too apparent to ignore that the hat was far to big for me. the instructions were for only one size - which is really annoying because not all of use have a 23" circumference head! anyways, i think i've got it properly fixed now and i'll just continue like this for the rest of the pattern. i hope i can finish it soon, because that's so satisfying, but i hope it fits and i like the end product!

every year i like to set a doable new year resolution. they're not really normal resolutions, they're more like decisions that i've made and begin implimenting them around new year. anyways, with the purchase of a new house, i made the intentional decision for 2012 that i would be hospitable and welcoming when people drop by unexpectedly. and so far things are going well. mark and melissa dropped by last night and it was great. i'm so glad that our house is accessible and that people are stopping by to say hello.

i haven't been very productive in the evenings lately. i just want to crochet which means that the bedroom is in chaos after painting and i haven't continued unpacking the last of our things. that said, a lot is unpacked, there's just a few things i'd like to finish up. no doubt i'll soon grow tired of doing nothing but sitting and crochetting, then i'll start being productive again. i'm looking forward to that, but am in no great rush either.

man, i love our house. i like it c'oz it's compact. the old place was oddly laid out. everything is close together and yet roomy. the wood floors are lovely. and i really enjoy the use of space. i'm really thankful.

 

beating like a hammer.

taxes

i went to bed at 10:44 last night. about an hour later i woke, feeling quite well rested and when i saw it was only 11:47 i was happy that i still had many hours of sleep left. for some reason i said aloud "i'm so glad it's saturday". brendan told me "it's not, it's tuesday". this both confused and upset me. i thought he was joking and i didn't appreciate it. it took some time to get my head around what he was saying, then i fell back asleep.

my chia herb garden is GROWING! i have sprouts :D

we're so close to something better left unknown.

count

on saturday i painted our bedroom. the most tedious part of painting, and coincidentally my least favourite part, is the taping. i hate taping. it's boring and it doesn't produce the same almost instantaeous results as actual painting does. but it's pretty crucial. it's a key part of the process. unless you're my mom and you can cut in without taping (it's pretty impressive. i've never seen that woman tape before painting in my life and we've painted many a room together). i'm certain in may cases taping takes longer than painting. although, my complaining about it is pointless because i will continue to do it.

the room is now a warm and happy yellow. i was grateful that the room is small and the paint is light enough that it didn't reaquire more than two coates, so it didn't take long. just a couple hours. it's a lot more vibrant than i had planned, but i didn't want it to turn out looking beige if it wasn't yellow enough. so far i've painted 3 rooms and they're all incredibly vibrant. they're kind of unrelenting when i look from one room to the next inspecting my progress. but in reality, i don't think i'd want it any other way. once the paint is up and some time has passed i never remember that it wasn't the colour i intended in the first place. only 2 more rooms to go! since brendan owns so few clothes he wasn't able to help me because he doesn't have painting clothes. it's ok though, i don't mind really.

while i was painting i was listening to various shows on the cbc. there was one show, and i don't even remember what it was, where the woman being interviewed was asked if her fears were more physical or emotional. in hindsight, i didn't really understand the question at first. she talked openly and honestly, sharing how when she was younger she was physically brave but emotionally fearful, but now she's more emotionally couragous but physically fearful. how intriguing.

i'm speeding along with my knitting, er i mean crochetting. i finished my corset belt in a matter of days. i like it better than the original in the book. i used ribbon instead of crochetted ties and think it looks lovely. i'm currently working on a hat. i'm not super keen on the colours i'm using, but that's all i had. i think i'll try to start picking up inexpensive yarn when it's on sale so i have more full balls kicking around for when i feel like starting a new project without having to go buy some yarn first.

i'm struggling with my sermon a little bit. i have the content and details kind of set up in my head, but i don't know how to piece it together into paragraphs that make sense. i might just start in the middle and hope that i become inspired as i go.

 

hard to be soft...
tough to be tender.

dremel

shanno gave me a copy of the happy hooker for my birthday. i like almost every pattern in that book - some more than others, but for the most part i like everything. i was finding it difficult deciding on what to make so i declared to bren when she was over for tea on wednesday "i think i'm going to make everything in this book!" i felt that would eliminate the need to decide. that said, when i looked more closely and realized there are 40 patterns, i knew i'd bitten off more than i can chew. BUT i haven't set a deadline for myself, so i have plenty of time. i've started with the corset belt. it was tricky at first because i didn't know how to do some of the stitches but i watched a video online and figured it out instantly. i'm pleased because i bought some ribbon for 1 dollar that i'm going to use for the ties instead of crochetting ties. i think that will look nicer. except, i'm not certain about the colour of ribbon, i didn't have a lot of selection. but i'm hopeful that it will turn out looking awesome. the main problem i have is what to wear a corset belt with! it's the kind of thing that could turn out being great or turn out looking weird.

yesterday i was freezing cold at work. it seems that the office is cold all year long. i'm constantly chilly. so today i wore lots of layers and my alpacha sweater from peru. i usually find wool too itchy to wear except for when i'm cold. i think i need more sweaters, but finding a place to store them is always tricky.

sometimes marilyn and i are sent treats from suppliers or colleagues to thank us for our support throughout the year. all different kinds depending on who sent them. one time we were even given an apple crumble pie! i've also been sent gifts from asia - t-shirts, silk scarves, change purses. the two of us are very good at making the fore-mentioned treats last a long time. we take a great deal of delight in having one a day.

i've become aware of fibre in recent days. since learning that my dad has a bad case of heart disease i did some research on prevention and learned how important a high fibre diet is. it's tricky. i definitely don't get enough fibre neither does brendan (and as a male he needs 50% more than me).

we got our rent from fang yesterday. awesome! it's good to know that our tenants will pay their rent. i worried so much about that back in december and all for nothing!

it looks as though i'm preaching again on january 22. it's been quite a while. i don't think i've preached since the summer. i hope it goes well. i really enjoy preparing and i don't mind delivery, but it's definitely the most awkward part. plus there's no do-over if i screw up, but so far my past experience has all been positive.

 

i feel you most when i'm alone.

hazel

the cbc aired an interesting piece the other day about mirrors. there was one perspective that places blame on mirrors for an image obsessed culture, and as a result a youth obsessed society. then there was also some discussion about how we related to ourselves in the mirror. that part was very interesting to me. they interviewed a woman who gave up mirrors and all types of self-reflection (windows, etc) for a year. within the first month she became extremely lonely. she felt alienated because everyone else had a face and she didn't. not long after that she remembered that she had a shadow and became obsessed with finding her shadow when she was outdoors - keeping tabs on it as she walked down the sidewalk. this realization brought great comfort to her. the radio folks talked about how we relate to our mirrored reflection as though they are ourselves or another being, when actually they're just molecules of light on silver paint. this got me thinking about my own reflection. i relate to myself in the mirror in a way i find very comforting. i definitely feel more connected to my mirrored self than to, say... a photograph. it's like having this comrade wherever i go. someone to giggle with me, or cry with me, or give understanding looks to. just yesterday i was giggling with myself in the mirror with great satisfaction and knew that no one else in the world would participate in my giddiness with the same enthusiasm as my pal in the mirror does.

i got a chia gourmet herb garden for christmas. i'm super excited about this because i really like fresh herbs (especially cilantro) and it's something i miss about summer time. i've never had particularly great success with my balcony herb garden, but i think that's because they didn't receive direct sunlight and because they were not grown from seed. anyways, i "planted" my seeds yesterday. i use quotes because technically i just sprinkled the seeds on the surface as directed. the chia herb garden doesn't actually use soil, but instead it uses this patented sponge. i'm guessing that the roots will grow into the holes. i don't know about nutrients though, because i thought that was an important part of soil, but i trust this is not just some regular sponge. i know that chia is known for swiftness, but this morning when i looked at my seeds they are already sprouting roots!! yay! the instructions said to cover the pots with plastic wrap to help create a greenhouse affect. i plan to install a shelf in the kitchen window to house them on. yesterday i installed some plastic window insulation to elimate the draft that could potentially kill my tender herbs.

 

stay with the all unknown.

pinenuts

i really wanted to write yesterday, but then the day was done before i got the chance :S

i got a new daytimer at work (aka a planner - oddly enough i can't remember what i usually call it). i've got a pretty set routine with my planner (ah, that felt natural. apparently i call it a planner). i've been using the same one for the last 9 years, and i like my routine. i've refined it nicely and it works well for me. my planning and organizational needs are being met with that format. SO, you can just imagine my surprise when my new planner arrived yesterday in a COMPLETELY different format. i was really thrown, and i even said to the woman "there must be some mistake. mine should look like this..." (holding up my 2011 planner). but no, there's no mistake. the manufacturer has changed it up a bit. as i set to work, initiating my planner with phone numbers, dates, owner information, i felt rather stunned! i'm easing into things slowly.

 

from a completely objective point of view it's a nice planner - functional (comes with attachable tabs for the different months), attractive (green ink instead of the typical blue), there's more writing space, and there's a different leaf graphic on each page along with a tip for how to be more environtally friendly (and so far i like those!). all this said, if i was in staples and saw this nice, more modern planner, beside my usual planner i would have gone for my regular one 100 times out of 100. my main concern (albeit small, but still nagging) is that i'll grow accustomed to this new format, like it better, only to find my old format arrive next year - this has happened before (the difference was slightly smaller - there were more notes boxes on the page than in the regular format. other than that everything was exactly the same). i don't adjust well. clearly.

 

i think small things hardest to adjust to - the things that i usually don't need to think about. it's been an easy transition living at the exile, and yet i can't for the life of me remember to drive to main street instead of york street on my way home from work. i always turn onto nelson street by accident. planners are just small detail stuff, i don't like them to interfere with my day. if i've found something that works, why change it? it'll only trip me up. anyways, i'll adjust. i might do it begrudgingly at first, but adjusting against my will is usually easier than doing it by choice. at least i can't kick myself for the unnecessary change.

my mom asked for a new plant for christmas. she wanted to replace her spider plant that has become challenging to maintain. so i ceased the opportunity to ask her what her plans were with the old plant and she said i could have it. yay! it's a nice big spider plant. in 2012 i resolve to not kill this plant. she gave me some instructions including replanting it in a bigger pot. i should have one big enough, one of my pots from my balcony garden days. i hope the transplant goes well and that our cats don't slowly eat it. fingers crossed!

 

my regrets are few.

singer

2012 started off well. aside from us bring in the new year with the erbs (a new tradition – as it was the second time), we managed to track down our tenant (his name is fang) and give him his 120 notice to vacate. it went well actually. he seemed rather unfazed by it, and seemed more concerned that we might be raising his rent. we're not, so i think this arrangement will suit all parties nicely. he's paying his rent in cash tomorrow – weird, but whatever. i'm just happy to be collecting it. yay!

i'm feeling pretty stocked about 2012. it's full of potential. i realize all years start with potential, but there's something about this year that seems to hold a lot that i'm looking forward to. perhaps more than other years.

1. we've decided to take a road trip to the rock and roll hall of fame. it'll take just shy of 8 hours to get there. i'm super excited and have been looking up places to eat and sleep while we're there. i'm hoping we'll go over the family day weekend.

2. my computer is eight years old, and i'm crossing my fingers that i'll be able to buy a newer one with my tax return money this spring.

3. brendan and i have been watching the HBO show 'Treme' – it's about new orleans post hurricane katrina. it's a bit slow going, and it took me some time to get into it, but i find that i'm quite compelled to watch it. anyways, it's got me thinking a lot about ani difranco because she lives there now, and i've been thinking about how i'd really like to see her live again. plus, i'd really like for brendan to see her too, because my re-telling last time just didn't do her justice. anyways, i've found that she's coming to toronto in april, so i'm hoping to get tickets to that show.

4. in may, we begin renovations to our upstairs rental unit. it's just aesthetics, so nothing major. i'm going to take a week off for that. i hope it's fun and invigorating. it's not my typical use of vacation days, so i hope it's still restful. i'll also plant my first proper garden at the exile :D

5. andrew and shannon will move in in june! and i think the four of us are going to go to ottawa for canada day.

6. in august, b and i hope to take a trip to greece and turkey.

after that i have nothing in particular that i'm looking forward to. but that's not bad, i've got the first 3/4 of the year taken care of. should be good! like i said, i'm pretty psyched!

i know that it's true
it's gonna be a good year.