real

i'm begining to wonder if having a blog makes me too available to everyone. i feel obligated to give something to everybody. i feel spread too thin. i feel sick. i feel weary. i feel torn apart. when i can't give myself fully to anything, i'm become ineffective in everything. i can't be everyone's best friend. i wish i could be. by trying i've made myself burnt out.

i'm taking a break.
a sabbatical from blogging.
i don't know for how long.

i am blue
and unwell.

convoy

i'm really exhausted. eating food, drinking wine and talking to strangers can really take it out of you. today was pete's funeral. it went well. i'd say about 40% of the people were from bbd, i was a little surprised by who was there. but all in all, i think there's a pretty close knit community in my office. our president and seven vice presidents flew up from pittsburgh to be there, i thought that was really nice. since i never got to know pete, i can't say if the service accurately reflected him. one thing that really struck me is that i think people have such a narrow idea of what a funeral is that they don't do a lot to customize. it got me thinking, about my funeral, what i'd like and what i wouldn't like. i don't want an organ to be played. i don't want them to read the typical verses (like ecclesaistes 3 or psalm 23), i would opt for psalm 18 because its my favourite. that's all i've come up with so far. but i would like it to be a time of remembrance of our time together. and i want it to accurately reflect me. it will be after all... my closing ceremony.

i think its time to change the subject...

oh my goodness, you wouldn't believe the day i've had. there's been so much crazy drama in the last 24 hours, its nutts! i don't think i've ever had this much drama in such a condensed amount of time.

i'm weary of the sly fox.

yup, i'm pretty exhausted. i feel due for a monday movie night. i could really use time by myself. when i left knicker's house today i felt so tired that i might throw up. well its time for me to head out once again. don't get me wrong, i enjoy my friends and i look forward to my time with them, so i don't go begrudgingly.

we don't need no haters,
we're just tryin' to love one another.
we just want y'all have a good time,
no more drama in your life.

安全

sometimes i want to have my cake and eat it too.

???

i don't know what to say.
i've been doing a lot of talking today.
both via email and in person.
its nice actually.

the most eventful part of the day was when rhonda's dog peed on the couch. i was the only witness and yet couldn't find words but instead just called out random sounds and flung my arms around.

i feel like i'm being stretched too thin these days. its not that i over commit myself or anything. i'm just not living a very well balanced life. i think its because i'm moody. sometimes i'm lonely and other times i just want to be alone and recharge. i feel like i haven't recharged to max in a number of weeks.

i read a quote today from sarah plain and tall that said "no matter where you go, you will always miss something". i think that's so true. it got me thinking about "the grass is always greener on the other side". every situation will have a downside. i have no delusions about that. none. its just our nature as people.

throw away my misery,
it never meant that much to me.

gossip

i wish i was born on a pirate's ship.
i love pirates.

i had a number of nice surprises this evening. i came home and was feeling quite confused and perplexed. it was so nice out that i thought it would do me some good to take a walk, have some fresh air and sort out my thoughts. i did this random walk around my neigbourhood then round the memorial centre. as i walked up to my house i heard the faint sound of someone calling my name. i thought "hm, who would be calling my name in this neighbourhood?" none of my friends life close by, so i kind of thought i was hearing things. when i turned around, i saw two little people way on the other end of york street and realized it was rhonda & isaac! very cool! isaac takes skating lessons at the m centre on wednesday evenings. he invited me to come watch him skate, it was fun and i had an enjoyable visit with little r. i realized, its been 14 years since i've been in the area at the memorial centre. it was smaller and more ghetto than i remembered. however, considering it was built as a memorial for those who served and died in the world wars, i'm anti-tearing it down.

when i got home, i was starting dinner when melissa called and suggested we go out for a coffee. i'd been looking forward to the evening in, so i invited her over here for a cup of tea. she just left. it was lovely to have her. and i'm ever so much enjoying becoming more comfortable with having guests. maintaining a tidy house really helps! once i conquer my phobias about been a poor host, i'll work on being more prepared for impromptu visits.

today i got wrestling with my notion of coincidence. i've been discovering that i'm a bit of a fatalist. i didn't know it because i didn't know such a thing existed (therefore, i find that very interesting to think there are words i don't know yet, things that i am or could be if i knew the definition of them. hm). regardless of my fatalist mentality, i've concluded, that not everything necessarily has some kind of cosmological significance. sometimes things just happen, and there's no specific reason for them. they just do. i suppose i need to find the best way of coping with these events and not read into them as some sort of sign.

i know i could turn to something other than you,
'cause i don't understand you and why you're after me.

permeate

my windshield washer fluid dyes the snow on my car blue and i imagine that its a snow-cone.

did i tell you i'm reading mere christianity? i can't remember what i've told you and what i haven't. this is quite unusual of me since i usually don't read non-fiction books. novels are more my bag, baby. after reading velvet elvis, i wanted to keep reading something that would feed my appetite for something mind-bending. heavy, the opposite of light reading. i've always called mere christianity "my favourite book i've never read". and by doing so, made me wonder if it wouldn't live up to my expectations. but its actually surpassed them because its so easy to read. let me share something i read in it today "real things are not simple". hmmm very interesting!! that's kind of similar to a shakespeare quote i read recently "the course of true love never did run smoothly". i find these concepts amazing because i've always THOUGHT it was the opposite and yet always EXPERIENCED just that! i don't know why i thought important things would go simple. except sometimes when you're on the right track things seem to just fall in place, but i suppose that doesn't mean its uncomplicated.

i have a bit of a beef. with the students. well no, its more with living in a city that's so student oriented. its frickin annoying! i went to the laundromat tonight to drop off my clothes to be washed and folded but the laundry lady wasn't on duty because its reading week. ARGH! so annoying!?!?! the whole world doesn't go on hold because the student's are "reading". frig, don't they know the sun orbits me and not the other way around!?!?! ok i have a bit of a complex.

i'm so glad that you exist.

over

i look disheveled and its great. my ponytail is lopsided, i'm completely comfy and casual. i've gotts no one to impress. its utterly fantastic.

to my great delight, mayelin started back at bbd today in the finance department. she's been away on mat leave, but we didn't expect her job to be available because she was just on contract. but a new position was just created and the called her immediately. yay! i'm no longer friendless....

what did i watch for my monday night movie?? chocolat. it was ok. i ate a delicious supper though, and got my vacuuming done. AND i feel like i'm starting to finally make progress with the sweater i'm knitting. i was making it originally for joelle, but i think i'll send it to kenya instead. its gonna be too small for her. i'm organizing a knitting project for the kids at kijabe hospital. if you're a knitter and want to get involved just let me know!

i'm gonna go read for a bit. you know... for the last while, i only read when i'm not at home, like at the goat or at work. but i've really enjoying reading at home over the last week. i feel very content and become aware of the fact that i'm alone and yet not lonely. i can't explain it, but it confirms me in my journey of singledom. i don't know, its very unusual for me to not like someone. its amazing how much more headspace you have when your mind isn't pre-occupied with a crush.

obit

it was for freedom
from myself and from the land.

discreet

i've been experiencing a time of great enlightenment. i suppose when you take on the frame of mind that you are a student of life, there's so much to be learned.

we often lose sight of the fact that life is a domino effect. i've been thinking a lot about the concept of "pay it forward". our actions DO effect others, so what kind of effect do you want to have on other people? as i pulled together my questions for living room, i got thinking about kindness. i would not call myself a kind person. i'm not unkind, but its not a word that would spring to mind if i had to describe myself. as i thought about that, i discovered that i WOULD like to be known as a kind person. i would like it if people sincerely said "that lesley... she's a kind girl". so i decided to start small, the key to evolving is to not try and change in one giant leap. today when i was shoveling my driveway, and decided that i would also clear the other half that belonged to my downstairs neighbours. as i sat here writing this entry, i saw thru the window them arriving home. did they notice that i'd shoveled their half? no. thankfully that was not my motivation. lately i've been realizing more and more that much of my head knowledge is just that – head knowledge. i want to throw off the guise of "right living" and actually do it. i want the golden rule to not just be a concept i'm familiar with but be an actual way of life. so... back the the driveway, i decided, that i would shovel their half because i would like it if someone did that for me. people HAVE done that for me before, and i've appreciated it, so i paid it forward.

i don't know at what point something crosses from serving others to being taken advantage of. but i'll take my chances. i will strive to be kind, not out of obligation or so it will reflect well on me, but for the greater good.

if you want to change the world, you have to start with you.
i know i can't cure cancer, but i can sit shiva.

i'd swim across lake michigan
i'd sell my shoes

rosary

at 27 years old i'm still amazed that life can change so fast. i woke-up at noon to find a voicemail message from knickers saying her husband passed away at 7:00 this morning. he's been dying of cancer for a number of months, that's why i've been so bored at work lately, because she hasn't really been in to the office since october. however, in spite the forward knowledge, it doesn't change the fact that he was here when i went to bed and gone when i woke-up.

in light of these events, i'd like to say i think its terribly inappropriate that nasa has sent rockets into space to study the northern lights. let's get some perspective here people!

today. today. today.
has it ever hit you how temporary each day is? never again will i be able to say "today pete died". there other days like "today i had my heartbroken" or "today my sister had a baby" or "today i'm leaving for kenya". days are fleeting. just a blip on our life line.

to my delight, i also woke-up to find an email from alison. she, her boyfriend drew, her friend lindsay and her brother john were coming down to kingston the day, and she invited me to meet up with them at the goat. it was really neat! a very diverse group, i liked it a lot. it was really nice to see alison, i hope i get to see her again before she moves back to hong kong.

this evening i went to melissa's for a couch party. her new couch FINALLY got delivered today, and she invited a group of us over to help her break it in. it was fun. she always amazes me with her ability to throw together a nice, tastey and yet simple meal. its amazing. i aspire to be like her. i took my knitting but didn't really get much done since we ended up watching run lola run, and that requires paying attention due to the subtitles. i must admit i LOVE her fire-engine red hair. its glorious. after that we watched the news, i sat there nitpicking and telling melissa everything that was wrong with everything they talked about. sometimes i have a wagging tongue.

all you have left is one kraft dinner
that i brought back for you last summer.

dreams/nightmares

sarah came over this evening and i had a really lovely time with her. its been a while since we got together and it was really nice to get caught up. to re-connect. she's a real encouragement to me and it was nice sharing what i've been learning with her. being a girl is funny, i noticed that whenever i'd remember something i wanted to tell her i'd get all excited and poke her in the knee. she did that to me too.

i called my sister today to clear up the whole blog situation. i'd been sitting at work getting all fired-up, so i thought instead of blabbing to my mom or letting my emotions get the better of me, it should talk to her about it. so it turns out that she was just teasing me because she found it got a reaction. in honour of our sisterly relationship, i thought i'd post this picture from the mid-80s. hahaha, its so 80s. i love it because is so typical us. joy bossing me and me being goofy. we're in our pjs by the way, those are not our normal clothes. i'm not sure how old i was, but based on my pre-mullet haircut i'm gonna guess... 5 or 6.

frig... i just found blood on my face AGAIN! i wonder how long its been there for. i wonder if it was there when sarah was here. i wonder if she would have told me "les, there's blood on your face". i THINK i would have told her if she had blood on HER face, but i can't be sure.

life is funny. i was reminded today to not take life too seriously. most things aren't as complicated as we think they are. i think the older i get the more care-free i become. funny that. you'd think it would be the other way around.

he has more sex appeal than he knows what to do with.

over and over and over and over and over,
like a monkey with a miniature cymbal.

confidential

it's happened. my horror of horrors – my family have discovered pspd. i did not expect them to be so resourceful, but they googled me. argh!! joy was shocked that i share so openly about my feelings, and said "i didn't even know you were feeling that way, and i'm your sister!!" but she never asked! her reaction made me feel stupid for talking about my life on the internet. at first i felt a need to justify myself to her, but whatever i'm a blogger, its something i do. she doesn't need to read it. she told my dad "if you ever want to know what's going on in lesley's life, just read her blog, she tells EVERYTHING!" which really freaked me out and made me beat her up with my mittens. for some reason i feel hurt, i don't want them scrutinizing my life. it's like curtains, just because they're open doesn't give you an invitation to look in.

hm, i just caught a glimpse of my reflection in a mirror and saw i had blood on my face. hmm, i wonder how long THAT's been there...

frig, who cares anyway?!? i want to live in such a way that i have nothing to hide.

i've been having a pretty good week. things have been alright at work, i've enjoyed home time and social time. i'm getting regular emails so i'm not feeling lonely and my place is tidy. i'm really enjoying having a tidy home, i've kept it up for a couple weeks now! yay for me! and i've been consistently on time for work, and have read every morning except for today when i was only 7 minutes early, that's not enough time after i get situated.

i've found lately, i like drinking very hot tea. i usually don't like super hot drinks because my tongue gets burnt easily. i also think my sense of taste is diminishing. that's not good. i like to taste stuff.

i like being organized because it minimizes my anxiety, but man it take a lot of effort and premeditation. it would be super nice to have someone clean up after me, prepare my foods, and sign me up for the treadmill before i arrive.

but hey i'm just a kid, i've got nothing to lose.

ok

for YEARS i was obsessed with cinnamon hearts. obsessed! i loved them. i'd have pockets full of them. i'm not even exaggerating. and this year? meh, no interest. it's peculiar the way i change from year to year. i don't expect my likes and dislikes to vary that much. i used to be really into bike rides and reading at murney's tower, but last year i didn't do that much at all. hm, i think i'd like to ride bike a lot this summer. i have the coolest helmet there ever was. a biking partner might be nice – to go on biking expeditions thru the streets of ktown with.

the knickers let me leave early today due to the weather. she's a bit of a worrier. the weather didn't faze me any, but i was delighted to be released an hour early. i called my mom upon arriving home, she'd emailed me because she was feeling discouraged, she needed someone to talk to. i listened and tried my best to encourage her. she sounded liked a sigh of relief, and told me i was very wise. its nice to have an adult (especially your parent) tell you that. i talked to her as my equal, because really... she is! i think that's a good thing, although seeing my mom as my equal has caused me to not recognize authority elsewhere. i don't have a fear of "authority". we're all just people in the end.

this evening i went to the valentine's party at next. when the idea was first suggested, i recoiled in discomfort, but gradually warmed up to it. i had a good time. hung out with some friends, talked to a few other people i didn't know well. i'm glad i went, it was a nice little do. the weather definitely effected the turnout but we were a happy lot.

i like when friendships develop from the most unlikely places.

so far i think my valentine's cards been a success. this may become annual occurrence. i remember the year i worked at value village, a co-worker gave me a "i love you" balloon that was leftover and i'd bought myself a rose. i thought to myself "hm, i've done pretty good this year", but i'm getting more satisfaction from showing my love and appreciation for others than padding myself with 'stuff'.

and in the end
the love you take
is equal to the love you make.

fatalist

there's value in seeing things for what they really are. its liberating, its relieving. i wish we could see everything that way. don't be deceived by potential. its an illusion. its a mind trick we play with ourselves.

remember when we were kids, when we'd spend the majority of our lives playing? why do we as adults mostly spend our time talking? sometimes i wonder what we're talking about.

i love when something awesome happens unexpectedly. it gives me hope that something great can happen at any point.

i want grand adventures and quiet oasis's. i want long night sleeps and long phone calls. i want to be warm and cozy, hot and sticky. i want to be daring and bold. to have kindred spirts and zero arch-enemies. i want to learn from my mistakes and avoid future ones. i want to expand and unload. i want to leave a trail of butterflies and pixie dust. i want to wear a cape. i look forward to growing into old friends with all of you.

i'm trying to listen to the leaves speak.
trying to steal secrets from fishes in the creek.

tenacious

:D

in keeping with my new monday evening routine... i just watched elizabethtown. i'd forgotten how much i love that movie. well i knew in my head that i really liked it, but had forgotten my emotional reaction to it. it tugs at me, with familiarity and ludicrousness. it make me laugh and think "yup, that's about right". so funny. as i watched it, i remembered that one of my first blog entries was about elizabethtown. at least i'm consistent.

last night at living room we got talking about how we're often the least patient with the people most important to us. i know i'm completely guilty of treating my family really badly (not in recent years, thankfully). my mom and i have talked before about couples or families who are really kind to each other, extremely polite, and how odd we found that. but we're starting to think they might be right and we're wrong. if we care about someone we SHOULD treat them with respect. from time to time she'll tell me "i would have done things differently with your father". you might think that's inappropriate of her, but its not. i need to know that what i observed as a kid was not the way to go. i appreciate her humbleness in admitting her mistakes. there's a couple i know (a REALLY GREAT couple), who i regularly see the girl cutting down the guy. it really bothers me, i want to grab her and say "ADORE HIM!! we ALL know he's nutty and we love that about him! you should too!" but i won't. i'll refrain myself. i just hope she comes to see it herself. i'm like that, i'm not so good at confronting people, i tend to let them fall into ravines, thinking "well that's what they wanted to do...." its a poor excuse. i wouldn't want my friends to watch me fall into a ravine. but in my experience, people don't like to be reprimanded, even if it's done with love. i know that's totally true of me, my sister is the ONLY one who gets away with it.

you're more brave than you give yourself credit for.

well its just after 9. i should hurry if i'm gonna get some valentine cards made. i like when i make dinner and its so good that it leaves me looking forward to eating the leftovers for lunch the next day. yum.

can you be everything i need you to be?
can you protect me as a daughter?
can you love me like a father?

toques

melinda and i were talking today, and kind of concluded that living alone is starting to get to me. i like having my own space, but i miss having someone else around. when i lived alone back in 2002-2004, that was a bad situation. but my life has changed drastically since then. and after deciding to live on my own again i thought to myself "if i get lonely, i'll just have to invite people over!" but as it turns out i feel shy about having people over, and find it hard to relax and not multi-task. my living room isn't group-tv-watching friendly due to the fact that the floors are majorly sloped and my grandma's china cabinet leans-over in any other location. i think being a comfortable host will just take some practice, and i have a few guest tentatively set up. i can do it. i remember when it used to be hard for me to ask people to hang-out, now i do it all the time!

i need more courage.

as i read my book today, i was reminded that i'm not seeing the big picture. it's tricky because as much as i think i should make the most of each moment, and enjoy my existence, there's no denying its not all there is. i shouldn't lose sight of the fact that i'm on a journey, this is a portion of the quilt. someday i'll see these experiences for what they really are.

astrid inspired me today. she'd made valentine's cards for all her friends, and i thought to myself "since when did valentine's day just become about lovers and kinky positions?!?!" i have loads of love in my life, i have loads of wonderful friends. so i'm going to get me some cardboard and corrugated scissors tomorrow and make me some cards. now the problem with publishing this on pspd is that if you don't get a card, you might feel like i don't love or value you. which i can guarantee is not the case. if i was going to make a card for EVERYONE who mattered to me, i'd need WAY more time than i have. so i think i'll have to limit this to the people i'll be seeing in the next week or so.

she has such an awful lot of soldiers,
quite a lovely army all her own.
night and day they stand before the fortress,
very safe but very all alone.

waltz

you are what they call the human season
you are all the alphabet in one
you are every colour of confusion
you are all the silence i've become

as i go about each day, i find myself lost in corridors i didn't intend to go down. how i get there i'm not sure. dissatisfaction is under my skin and i want to get it out. i'm always in a hurry to get wherever i'm not. but this afternoon i lied on my unmade bed looking around my room listening to my itunes. i basked in that moment.

there's always an explanation. when we're confused its because we're in the dark. sometimes we can't guess, we can't even speculate. but there's a reason. how do i know when to resign and when to seek out answers? i don't give-up easily, ugh i wish i did. i'm convinced my stubbornness gets me into trouble.

if my life was a show or movie, THIS would the time the series or film would begin. at this point in my life.

my car has been re-muffled, all is quiet in the world once again.

i am yours and you are mine.
help that be enough for me.

love me for
stupid reasons
i like those most

filter

my muffler decided to spontaneously detach itself on my way to work this morning. and now everywhere i go, it loudly announces my approach. its still hanging on by some kind of umbilical cord. ah the beautiful purr of the batmobile. i'm gonna get it fixed tomorrow, i've just gotts to find that life-time warranty first.

i got to work early again (i didn't let my loose-tooth of a muffler slow me down any). i used my early arrival to start my new book – i'm reading velvet elvis. it's engaging me already.

meghan emailed me sometime in the night – my melancholy state did not go unnoticed by her – and suggested we get together tonight. i was touched by her thoughtfulness and took her up on her invitation without delay.

i've been wrestling between how much to say and how much to keep to myself. no particular topic and no particular reason to be reserved. but i feel there's something wrong with talking out of compulsion. i want to investigate what's said in the absence of speech. i live alone, so does that mean my life is alone? how much of myself is my individualism and how much of me is my community? where do i end and you begin? IS there a beginning and an end? it's all blended in my mind and i'm beginning to question the notion of me being contained in my vessel.

please be my seeing eye dog.

handle me with care.

i want to talk less and say more.

icicles

i'm not feeling well tonight and really really tired, so i've decided to stay at home instead of going to rhonda's for grey's. that's disappointing because i was looking forward to it and could really use the company. in spite the fact that i'm enjoying time at home, i still long for a conversation with someone i really connect with. sometimes when i feel a need to connect it results in me recoiling into myself as a means to eliminate that desire. perhaps i just miss my friend. there's a missing element and its him. it makes me feel like my head might implode. and it makes me feel sad.

i hit my snooze button 3 times this morning, and didn't get up until 6:48. but i really wanted to be at work early and have some time to read, so i hurried and was out the door at 7:20. i arrived at 7:45!! so i read my book for 10 minutes and drank a cup of tea. i'd like to do that every day. i finished my book, born free, it was so-so. very dry, if it was a blog instead of a book i might have just skimmed it.

so did you hear anna nicole smith died? wow, she's had a crazy year! just goes to show you never know what's gonna happen next in life.

i'm a very resourceful person, this only JUST struck me. i didn't realize not everyone was resourceful. but this is true of me at work and at home, i have an innate ability to seek out valuable resources and/or information. this can sometimes be a bad thing – in that case its usually called "snooping". snooping usually results in me uncovering something i don't want to know. being resourceful tends to have a more positive outcome. so basically, i'm saying you'd have to get up PRETTY EARLY in the morning to our smart the likes of me ;)

my roof is an avalanche waiting to happen. oh maxipad, how i love thee.

i feel a little barfy, i hope i'm not coming down with whatever-my-entire-family-had this week. ferrence has it too actually. it doesn't sound good. i'm gonna go get into my red long-underwear pajamas and get snuggled under a blanket.

you know it all by heart.
why are you standing in one place?

contrary

whenever the skeletons in my closet try to escape i politely beat them back inside.

knickers told me last week that she got me a gift for no reason. she brought it with her today, it's a new scarf. it's nice!

the phone rang at 6:30 this morning, a local ring. it was vinc', he called me via skype so it appeared as a local number. i was so groggy, i'm glad he called though because i needed to get out of bed. he'd JUST received the package i'd sent him in mid-december. man, the mail is SLOW! i'd almost forgotten i'd sent it! he said "i'm calling to thank you" and i said "for what?" hahaha.

i hope to finish my book this evening or relatively soon. i'm ready for something to sink my teeth into. i thought i was going to be ready for work early today and i hoped to arrive at work 10 minutes early and read for a bit. that didn't happen. i guess if i want to be there at 7:50 i have to leave at 7:20. can i do it?? yet another tweak to my routine. it's like i'm doing a spring cleaning of all my bad habits. i've recently realized that i've broken the habit of tucking my hair behind my ears, and i wasn't even trying!!

it's such a fine line. and i don't want to go too far either way so i find myself doing nothing. saying nothing. revealing nothing. ARGH i just wish i could talk to you.

i've concluded there's a difference between waiting and expectancy. waiting is being inactive and sitting around wasting time. being expectant is still living, but with hope and excitement about the future. i guess that's why when someone is pregnant they're "expecting" and not "waiting" ;)

i'm a walking oxymoron. i suppose there's nothing wrong with that, i just feel confused. or maybe its just this sinus-headache. in times like this, i wish there was someone else to tell me what to eat for dinner. it seems like such a difficult decision. oh, i laugh at myself.

i guess i just feel lonely and a little torn in two.

i'm coming out of my cage
and i've been doing just fine.
gotta gotta be down
because i want it all.

DELETED

sometimes i think apathy hurts more than hate. be angry at me, just don't not care!

i was inspired with a number of things to say, but i forgot the write them down.

its like i can hear myself speaking in my head but i can't make out any of the words.

i'm really very thirsty. i don't know what my problem is.

i'm extremely tired, its past my bedtime. it makes me feel worn all over.

there's something about women that makes us able to feel to completely different things simultaneously. it's an amazing skill, but one i'd opt to do without. although, when i'm not confused trying working something out, my brain gets bored. see! two things at once! oh i'm too tired to understand how i feel about it. i'm sure by morning i'll be over it. forgotten. that's the thing about me, i quickly forget my anger and agony. its kind of nice, but it makes it much more likely that i'll repeat my mistakes.

have you even had a word or name escape you and then it just pop into your head later on?? that happened to me today as i drove the batmobile, and i yelled out "BARRING".

there's just something about this song...

you would be surprised by the number of people who search for patron saints on the internet. it leads many a people here. to pspd. i don't know about you, but if i was looking for the patron saint of washing machines (as someone from tulsa, oklahoma was today) i wouldn't click on someone's blog. sometimes i like having a sitemeter, its very interesting, but i also kind of hate it. yet another example of dual-emotions.

there's about 12 inches of snow on the ground. this is not my kind of weather. but it makes me appreciate summer all the more. i love the heat waves because i know they won't last.

i bought a shirt at value village the other day, and i think it might be too small. its too tight in all the wrong places.

then you whisper in my ear "i know what you're doing here".

body language

lesley, you're a star in nobody's eyes but mine.

for the last 3 consecutive mondays, i've stayed in and watched a movie by myself. and i have to say, i'm rediscovering the pleasure of my own company. having a tidy house, being aware of my own boundaries, and playing loud dancey music sets the scene for a happy me. i'm really enjoying my life right now, it has its troubles, i have my woes, but man, am i happy. i'm living – i'm not waiting. i'm not killing time for something better to come along. i'm no more sure of who i am as when i'm alone. and that certainty gives me confidence.

laughing and thin white duke give me an adrenaline rush.

what do YOU do when no one else is looking? i dance around like a crazy person.

so what did i watch this evening?? before sunset. i would have to say its my favourite of the two before sun(whatever) movies. why? well, its because in this movie they already have a relationship, they are significant to each other, they're also more experienced with life and talk openly about their ideals and misery. i've got to give me some credit too for being able to stomach a romantic movie. yay for les! its a very unique film, its about 85% dialogue and 5% plot. hmm, what's the other 10%? the paris backdrop.... um ya, definitely.

i haven't all of a sudden got everything figured out, because i don't. nor will i ever, i'm unraveling and mending simultaneously. i've just heard so often – and again tonight actually – how life is the journey and not the destination. i'm sure you've heard that oodles of times too. its quite a cliché really. i'm just trying to graps this crazy road trip a little more. and know that wherever i go... if i'm there, i'll have a good time :)

what you waiting for?

subtle

this is my 475 blog entry. have you read every one? that's quite the accomplishment.

well i feel like i just stuck my foot in my mouth with my mom. that's the first time that's ever happened and it's left me feeling like a jerk.

anyway...

this morning i got up nice and early to get ready for my influx of visitors for lunch. in doing so i discovered i only have 4 spoons. which normally wouldn't be a big deal, but i was expecting 5 guest and myself – so 6 eaters. i stopped at next on the way to rustle and borrowed two spoons from the kitchen. which i ended up not needing because joelle and caleb didn't have any soup. i have to admit i pulled together a nice spread. joy brought soup and i provided everything else. i think they were quite surprised by how grown-up i am. we had a good time and the kids LOVED fru. he handled them pretty well, although he's used to being harassed and having his tail pulled by me and melinda.

my mom stayed after the olding's left and we chatted for a while. i was aware of my aggressive rants and my strong statements. it bothered me some. i'm really not that harsh and judgmental, why did i do that i wonder? the sad truth is that i don't think i wanted to be vulnerable to her. i don't want her to know that i'm scared and that i'm struggling to reconcile to myself my current situation. that bothers me, but i wasn't expecting her to stay, nor was i prepared to talk about my problems. so i guess i was just ranting about everything else as diversion tactic.

this is us around my "dinning table", i find it kind of funny that the walls are so bare, its just the angle the picture was taken from. because my kitchen is quite an interesting room! for example, i have 41 postcards covering the cabinets! at one point tim said "i just like looking around and seeing all the stuff in les' apartment.... like what's that?!?"

i went to rustle this morning. i'll have to go again another time, i find my first time at a church i'm very distracted by "what's this? who's that? what's gonna happen next?" it was good times, it was nice seeing all the rustlers, i've missed them. rustle has a really nice community feel, there's a real advantage to a small church because everyone can interact, and no one can just blend into the background. it's too bad the next vs. rustle hockey game took place today after church because i couldn't go. i would've played fearlessly and body checked that al doseger guy.

i'm so scared about the future and i wanna talk to you.

bang

there's been a crazy snow storm in k-town. its been ages since i saw snow like this. its wild. this evening when i left my house for the first time at 5:20 the snow was flush with the bottom of my door. as i stepped into it, it went half-way up my leg. i drove around the city with 6 inches of snow on my roof.

i just got home from seeing "miss potter" at the screening room with catherine (a.k.a – the new girl. i realize she's not new any longer, but that's how you know her. ok let's change that to catherine..... prestwich) anyway... it was really good, we both really liked it. it was really perfect for me – it was funny, creative, sort of tragic, but she prevails. i raise my glass to beatrix potter, who paved the way for single women of today. i think the name beatrix is pretty cool.

tomorrow i'm hosting sunday lunch at my house. this is a first. and a rather big deal for both me and my family, but for different reasons. for them its because they haven't been here since my open house in may and for me its because it requires a lot of effort. thankfully since i've been keeping my house tidy it didn't require a lot of work, but i did have to vacuum, arrange the kitchen table and find enough chairs (i'm still short one). and i still have to clean the bathroom. i guess once i master keeping a tidy house, i'll have to develop regular cleaning routine. i better not get ahead of myself, only one thing at a time.

talking to melinda on the phone today, and vinc' the other night, there was an echo and i could hear my own voice. not only is that distracting hearing everything repeated, but i'm also distracted by the comical sound of my voice. honestly, i don't know how anyone could take me seriously.

i'm trying to familiarize myself with being self-absorbed. i don't mean this in a selfish way, but i remember back to when i was a kid, when i was alone and had never experienced sharing my life with someone else. i'd like to once again be content with simply me and not let my mind float of to far-off places or people. i want to live in each moment, to live right where i am. and to know every experience is complete even without having anyone to report it to.

words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup,
they slither wildly as they slip away across the universe.
pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting thorough my open mind,
possessing and caressing me.

polysorin

whoa, i just had a battle between my inner good & evil about not wanting to do my dishes or put my clothes away. but good overcome. phew. this is going to be challenging.

so, i bought this totally awesome colourful boho shirt tonight at value village. i totally love it. its awesome. and i must admit, it was rachel erb inspired. in spite my years of dressing like a hippy i've strayed. but i love how rachel dresses and she's inspired me to get back to my artsy fartsy roots. oops, i almost typed farty. hahaaha. anyway, i'm very pleased because i'm getting a little better at judging my correct size. sarah is better at buying me my size than i am.

i check google news several times a day. it's my source for news. sometimes i just read the headlines and get the totally wrong impression. other times i read the article. its funny when i click on google news and find the headlines about my company. bbd (bombardier) is mentioned twice on in the business section today. funny.

there are mentalities ingrained in us. there's thought patterns taught to us. there are defense mechanisms that become dysfunction. the question is... where do we draw the line? we often get caught up in "this is who i identify myself to be" and "this is how i behave in response to exterior influences", maybe we should take ownership and break the cycle. i won't be type-cast as the girl from the broken home with abandonment issues. perhaps it was true at one point, but its not now. the only person who could change that was me, and i have. the excuse of your upbring will only take you so far. we have to take responsibility of our actions as adults and not blame the paths that led to them.

i crave summer time. i long for the days when its so blinkin' hot that i only sleep with one light sheet and a fan blowing. but instead i'll get into bed with my 8 blankets and try to get cozy. oh how i miss the heat waves.

i've hollowed out my heart so emotions can echo and drift apart.

wok-in

this morning at an all employee meeting, my trans-gender co-worker stole my seat. when i threatened to punch her in the face, she suggested i sat on her lap. i opted no.

sometimes life feels like a silent film.

i've turned over a new leaf. i've discovered how much i appreciate having a tidy home. the non-chaos of the maxipad minimizes my anxiety and stress. so in spite many obstacles (created by myself), i plan to overcome and learn to make having a tidy apartment part of my lifestyle. this will take a great deal of effort on my part, but the rewards will be immeasurable. i know i can do it, because after many years of practice, i now make my bed every morning. the fewer the dishes, or clothes on the floor, the less time required. so i just need to insist on putting my clothes away and cleaning the very few dishes before going to bed each night. this is a reasonable plan, very attainable, so i hope to make this a habit by fighting with my natural instincts.

things are going pretty well. i'm happy and enjoying my life. i'm starting to get a little bingy so it appears that PMS is on its way, i hope to make it thru the week without melodrama.

i'm very thirsty, but unfortunately there's something stinky in my fridge that is making all juice, milk or water taste really nasty. you'd think that would motivate me to discover the source, and yet it hasn't.

oh i forgot to tell you, my favourite line in the ghost and the darkness was:
"i've killed a lion too, you know."
"oh ya? how many shots did it take you?"
"none, i used by bare-hands."
hahaha, that totally cracked me up. sometimes i think i must sound strange to my neighbours because i laugh out-loud with all my girth.

pancakes are not quite the same without melinda.

you can learn how to be you in time.