interview

ARGH!!!!

i just read in the news that b.b. king is playing at bluesfest in ottawa this year. b.b. king is one of brendan's biggest music heros - he sure gives eric clapton a run for his money. i remember brendan once saying to me "everyone associates me with eric clapton, but all i've ever wanted to was to sound like b.b. king". so anyways, when i read this, i thought to myself "i wonder if there's any way we can swing this...". but when i went to the bluesfest site, i discovered that b.b. is playing on OUR BABY'S DUE DATE! ARGH!!! now, i realize that the chances of him being born on time is slim, but it seems unwise for us to drive up to ottawa for a concert when i could go into labour at any time. oh well. i guess this is part of our life changes - can't just go to any old concert once little so-and-so arrives, even if its to see a blues legend.

when i was sick last week i watched shawshank redemption. at one point red talks about prisoners becoming institutionalized - at first they hate the walls that keep them in, but they get used to them, and eventually they need them. this morning i was very frazzled on my way into work, one thing after another ended up being more complicated then expected. but eventually i made it into work and got settled in my 8x8 blue cube. i felt all my tension and discouragement start to melt away. i realized that there's something soothing about that prison cell of mine. i used to hate those walls, but now they soothe me. funny how that is. i don't even know when that change happened. i guess i just got used to them and they bring me comfort. i noticed it when i got back from berlin too, it felt good being back in my pod. i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

all i've even known is out here.

evil department store

i realized something this weekend, i couldn't care less about the oscars. i used to. when i was a teen, i found it very exciting. but now, it holds very little interest for me. i don't know if it's because it seems trivial or if i've grown tried of "the academy" over looking my favourite films of the year, but i had no interest watching it or even reading the results in the news.

shannon came with me to my midwife appointment today. brendan had a test so he couldn't come, so she came in his place. heather confirmed that everything from the ultrasound looks good, so that's great news. and when she listened to his heart beat we could hear him flipping over and moving constantly. heather actually said she's never hear such an active baby before. on the way into work i started wondering what that means. my dad told me the other day that active babies are usually boys, but i'm skeptical of that logic. i've known active babies (outside the womb) who have grown into very active (even hyperactive) adults, and i worried that our active in utero baby is a sign of an overly active baby/person later. so i googled it to find out what the ole internet said. i recognize it as a pool of experiences, not proven facts. from what i read, one woman said her doctor said it's no indication of the baby after birth, and another woman said that an active baby is a happy baby because all their needs are being met. this made me VERY happy. i like thinking of my content little baby playing without a care in the world.

on saturday, i walked up to giant tiger. while i was feeling impatient a 20 minute walk up princess seemed unappealing, i decided i'd do it anyways. use some 'active transport' as it's called. last week while i was sick i'd been watching jane eyre, and it struck me that she'd take these long walks to mail a letter. i don't do anything that takes a long time, much less exercise. but while i was on my walk (aka jane eyre style exercise), i felt so pleased that i wasn't just being lazy at home, but instead was out and about. now that the winter weather is starting to break, i'm hoping/planning to do more walking, especially at lunch time.

today when i checked the weather in athens it showed 16 degrees. PERFECT!

smote the water with a two by four.

dowager

it's amazing the things people tell me now that i'm pregnant. they all open up about their own experiences, health issues and losses. it's really quite lovely. i like hearing parts of people's stories and getting a glimpse into their lives.

now that we know the sex of our baby, brendan and i have started talking about him using his name. just when talking to each other though. we're going to keep his name a secret til he's born. i always like hearing what name was picked once a baby has arrived. it's a nice surprise for friends and families. i really like having a name for this tiny person. brendan and i often talk wonder what things he'll like and if he'll grow a beard someday.

i got my first credit card when i was about aged 20. since then i've been slowly acquiring points. i think i get 1 point for every 2 dollars i charge to credit. a few times i've thought about using my points, but i don't have nearly enough to cover the cost of a flight, and the merchandise i can afford is greatly marked up compared to the retail value. BUT i had a great idea. i realized that i can use my points to book a hotel in athens. so i punched in the dates we're going to be there, and was able to book our last 2 nights in greece at the crowne plaza hotel! so fancy! it's the kind of place i'd stay at while on a business trip, but i'd never pay my own money to stay at there. other bonus of using our points is that it saves us money since we don't have to pay for those nights :D i'm super pleased, and this feels like a good use of those saved up points i've been sitting on.

lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you die.

keys

this evening, as i rested in hopes of recovering from this cold sooner than later, i watched dazed and confused. i don't know exactly how many times i've seen that film, probably 6, but it wasn't until this time that i noticed that the sponsor of the freshman's baseball team was "mcknight auto" and this was printed on the back of their jersey's. too funny.

i also watched jane eyre and had a massive nap.

last night i slept terribly because the sinuses in my jaw really hurt and this kept me awake. today i've discovered that i can soothe this a little with a hot water bottle.

despite being sick, i did go to my ultrasound appointment. i've been waiting a month for that appointment and nothing was gonna stop me from going. it was really great to see our baby formed so perfectly. he moved around so much that it made it difficult for the technician to take all the photos she needed. it was a very thorough overview of his body and internal organs. sometimes it was tricky to know what we were looking at, but the technician label each important part, which was very helpful. i feel more peace of mind now, reassurance is always good. it was also nice to know that there was just one. i'm half way through already! in general, i'd say we feel that we know this little person better, more intimately. it was a nice little rendezvous that will tie us over til mid-july.

now i feel the wind blow,
outside my door.

redemption

i stayed home from work sick today.

i had a really great long weekend, but last night around dinner time it was clear that i'd developed a cold. on friday i noticed some rattling in my lungs. on saturday, my throat started hurting. on sunday, i started coughing up mucus and was woken in the night with a painfully sore throat. so the addition on sneezing and congestion wasn't a huge surprise. just annoying. i was in rough shape this morning, but seem to be improving. i'm hoping to be back to work tomorrow.

speaking of tomorrow, we're scheduled for our ultrasound at 8:30! i'm pretty excited. i can't wait to see this little person. we're going to find out the sex. here's your chance for last minute guesses!!!

for the past few family day weekends, we've gone on road trips – quebec city in 2011, and cleveland in 2012. we'd planned to go to philadelphia this year, but since we're going to greece in 2 weeks, we decided to stay at home. instead we did work around the house. installed shelves in our bedroom, bought a large tuperware-type bin for blanket storage, and bought a cupboard from the habitat for humanity restore. we were inspired by the cupboard in andrew and shannon's bedroom, which they use for clothing storage, and decided to get a cupboard for our baby's stuff instead of a dresser that would take up floor space. we went and just looked a few weeks ago and found some in the $20-30 range, but the one we got was $15! it needs some love. we're going to sand it down and paint it. when i say 'we' i mean i will be the creative director and b will do all the work. they're too many instructions for how to paint when pregnant, so b said he'd just do it. i like doing things like that, so i'll be sad to miss out, but i appreciate that he can do it and i'm sure he'll do a great job.

our house is small, but when we did a survey of each room on saturday, we found there's quite a bit of space that is not well utilized. it's good to know we have some wiggle room with space.

shannon lent me a number of movies to watch while i'm sick. i just watched 'the best exotic marigold hotel'. when it first came to the theatre's my mom really wanted to see it. i think it was partly because it's british, and partly about people in their golden years like her. she's actually just heading off on an exotic adventure herself. she's going to south africa! a librarian friend of hers has been setting up libraries in different african countries in recent years. this friend has invited her to come along many times, but my mom keeps turning her down. well... i guess this time the timing was right because she's been wanting to go on a trip and the opportunity arose, so she took it! it was interesting talking with her yesterday, because my mom is the one who taught me to travel. all my life she's been traveling back and forth to the UK and she taught me the ropes. but now the tables have turned and i'm telling her "make sure you ask if your bags will be checked all the way through or if you have to transfer them yourself" and "do you have a money belt?" and "a 15 hour flight isn't too bad. you'll be ok". as much as i felt wary of her initial consideration of this trip, i'm proud of her for making a bold move and taking part in an adventure. i think it will do her good.

give us life,
give us vision,
give us love.

endodentist

i fell asleep on the couch last night at 8, then had a glorious 10 hour sleep. it was great. i dunno if this is what all those moms have been talking about when referring to fatigue from pregnancy, but i like it!

in keeping with our valentine's tradition, b and i exchanged lists, then ate cupcakes. it was very special. i was certain that i wouldn't cry this time, but i did. i started crying on the first line. i thought after when, as we hugged on the couch, that that little tradition makes me feel more connected and loved then going out for dinner, flowers, candies, or any other typical valentine's treat. i'm thankful that it's so simple but so meaningful.

so brendan and i booked our trip to greece. we leave on monday, march 4 and arrive back in TO on friday, march 15, but we'll stay over night there and drive home the next day. i'm very excited because i've been wanting to go to greece for years and years. i just hope the weather is good, but i'm sure it'll be better than here in march. it turns out brendan was kind of relieved that istanbul was out of the question. it just keeps things much more simple in his head to stay in one country. we're flying into athens, going up to thessaloniki, stopping at mount olympus, heading over to meteora and stopping at ancient delphi on our way back to athens. a few people have mentioned "troubles in greece" lately, which is weird because i follow the news quite closely and i haven't seen or heard of any trouble in greece. i know they're on the brink of bankruptcy, but that's old news. when we went to ireland back in 2011, it was march and the weather was pretty ideal. so i'm optimistic that we'll have a great vacation.

now i'm crossing my fingers, cause nothing else helps.

pancake

today's ash wednesday.
this year for lent, brendan and i are giving up red meat. orginally i'd planned to give up all meat, except fish, and brendan was interested in participating with me. but since i'm "in the family way", brendan didn't want me to give up my current main source of protein. so instead, we're giving up red meat. i think that will be productive enough. we're not actually big meat eaters to begin with. it drives up one's grocery bill, so we keep meat to a minimum. that said, knowing that you're intentionally staying away from something is far more challenging than simply overlooking that option.

we're in the process of trying to plan our trip to greece+turkey. it's been a real headache and i'm disappointed that we didn't buy tickets before the prices went up. i was starting to think maybe it's best to just fly in and out of one city (it's cheaper than flying in one and out another), when i decided to google how much it costs and how long it takes to take the train from athens to istanbul. by doing so, i discovered that all international trains in and out of greece have been cancelled due to their poor economic state. while you'd think i'd be disappointed by this, i'm actually really happy that the decision was made for us, and now we know for sure that we'll just stay in greece. i'm sure there will be loads of wonderful things to do there.

i've pretty much recovered from my fall yesterday. less sore and tender. and the baby has been moving all about. such a little so-and-so. i'm just headed to yoga class, i'm sure that will help with my tender muscles.

it feels like you will be here real soon.

djembe

when i was a teenager, i was a big fan of the beatles anthology documentaries. i remember they told a story of when ringo wanted to quit the band, and he went around to the homes of the other three beatles to say "i'm thinking about quitting the band. the three of you are really close, and i feel like an outsider" and every single one of them told him "i thought i was the outsider. i felt like you three were all close and i was left out". the reality is, no matter who we are or who the people around us are, from time to time we all feel like misfits. we all feel like everyone else belongs and we're the outsider. and while i empathize with that, as a misfit myself, it ultimately comes down to whether or not we are going to isolate ourselves and fixate on our feelings of inadequacy/aloneness, OR are we going to recognize that common thread in all of us, and allow some room for grace and peace. people can only 'make' us feel othered as much as we allow ourselves to be othered. its how we respond to those marginalized feelings that decides the outcome. we're never alone in our aloneness. don't let yourself believe otherwise.

as i left the house this morning for work, at 6:30 am, i slipped on the sidewalk and had a hard fall on the ground. i've never completely wiped out like that before. usually i catch myself and regain my balance. i banged my elbow and shoulders, and jarred my neck. i picked myself up and went back inside to wake my sleeping husband with my yelps and tears. while the fall hurt, it startled me more than anything. i felt worried about little so-and-so. this is probably one of the biggest adjustments to being a mom in the making. that my first concern is someone else and that little person is depending on me. when i cross busy streets, when i'm walking alone at night, when i'm driving or walking in bad weather, i'm always thinking... "my baby!". i know that eventually, my physical risk won't be his/her physical risk, but the risks will be different. slipping and falling with a babe in arms would be much worse. anyways, i called my midwife just to be sure that there's nothing to worry about, and heather was very reassuring. there was no direct blow to my belly, or even to my lower back. so other than dealing with the aches and pains from my fall, things seem to be fine. plus, i think i just felt the baby move, so that's good :)

we found the ground,
and that damage was done.

cigarette

i've come to a conclusion. i like guy-romance movies - the nick hornby type of films. the garden states, the elizabethtowns, the liberal arts. guy romance novels are far more realistic and quirky than simplistic girl rom-coms (sorry rachel!). although, my only complaint about guy-romance movies is that usually, and perhaps this isn't even a complaint rather than an observation about gender acceptability. the guy is usually a complete basket-case and over the course of the film and the relationship with a stable, yet quirky girl, he matures and develops. truthfully, i really love that story arch, but what bugs me about it is if the gender roles were reversed and the girl was a basket-case, i wouldn't enjoy it half as much. so my complaint is actually why is it that troubled/lost/confused guys are more acceptable than their girl counter-parts?

i finally finished 'how to be a woman' and i really enjoyed it. now i've moved on to 'world war z'. while i'm not a zombie-person (one who is fascinated by zombie culture), i do enjoy a good book about zombies. it's an interesting premise. it's possible that i enjoy books that make me think, more than i like books that make me feel. i like art and music that makes me feel. i like movies that make me think AND feel.

so what if you catch me, where would we land?

wayfare

you know what i find annoying? that there's very little to say about good experiences, but oodles of things to say about bad experiences.

let me give you a (somewhat silly) example (but still very accurate):
b was telling me about beyonce's performance at the superbowl. he said she totally nailed it, and as a result comedy shows had nothing to make fun of. had she totally blown it or made a fool of herself they would've eaten her alive. but a good performance merits little more than "that was great", end of discussion.

i think this might be connected to our culture of complaining. when people don't have anything else to say, they criticize or exaggerate short-comings to keep a conversation going. i don't know if this is partly connected to what the listeners are waiting to hear. i remember going to birthfest with rach years ago and the women were saying that they're embarrassed to tell people when their birth went well, because people expect this long horrendous story. and to simply say it was a great experience and everything went well, is a short summary to share. people don't know what to do with positive news.

anyway, i got back on friday evening. thankfully my travels were barely impacted by the weather. i think most of the connecting flights after i arrived were cancelled. the train was pretty packed since many who were supposed fly to toronto from montreal took the train instead. i'm really glad that we were able to land and that via didn't cancelled its service because i just really wanted to be home. i was super tired and kept sighing/exhaling loudly.

well i should go. i need to hop in the shower.

i ride the train and i ride it after dark.

blargh!

Sent from my iPod

checkpoint

tonight is my last night in Berlin. it's been a great week. tonight I did a bunch of touristy things and enjoyed a long walk around the city and a delicious dinner. I wish I had more time, but what can you do, huh?

I'll write more tomorrow, but I'm tried and I need to get ready for my early morning flight.

good night!

Sent from my iPod

library

today at lunch I ate sauerkraut and bratwurst. it was very German of me. while it looked like a large heavy meal I thought "when in Deutschland..."

I'm sitting in my hotel lobby where I finally figure out how to access free wifi. across the lobby from where I'm sitting is a cigarette vending machine. they take a fairly liberal view of most things it seems. there is a VERY strong bike culture in Germany, but no one wears a helmet.

this morning as I got caught up on my work emails I felt a new sensation in my abdomen. I stopped what I was doing to concentrate and a moment later ther was another sensation - that could be described as popcorn like. I FELT THE BABY MOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!! one of the neatest things about having a baby is that the person I instantly and instinctively wanted to call and tell right away also happens to be the same person who is the baby's daddy and equally invested in this person. i like sharing this experience with the person I'm most attached to in the whole world.

last night I slept straight thru the night, which I'm mighty pleased about. I'm gonna go write postcards, read my book and watch some world news.

I hope all is well with you, wherever you are.


Sent from my iPod

scandic

well... I made it back to the hotel safely, after enduring another adventure at dinner. it's too long to write right now, but involved a restaurant that would take credit cards after I'd given my last ten euros to the taxi driver to get back to my neighbourhood, and me sitting with a nice non-english speaking German couple who took pity on me. hahaha. with some time between then and now I can laugh at my gong-show of a day.

today went much better and I'm very happy. still almost no access to the Internet, but just enough to check in.

Emma and I are just heading out for dinner then will go up the Berlin tv tower (the tallest structure in Europe - google it).

my new work mates are very nice and it was a productive day.

I hope you're well!! I'm going to login to the pay-as-you-go Internet at the hotel tonight. yesterday I thought 4 euros an hour was too expensive, but I've changed my mind. I'll just charge it to the room.

ok talk to you again soon!!

Sent from my iPod

circle

I'm in Berlin. currently standing beside a woman's washroom in Starbucks because it's the only place I can access wifi. I'm doing ok, except I accidentally took the wrong hop-on hop-off bus so I didn't have a route map. the tour part was good, I saw everything I wanted. the bad thing is that I got on at stop 5, which means I should've gotten off at stop 5, but the tour bus stopped for the night at stop1 - 4 stops from mine. so I'm kind of lost and stranded in Berlin. I think I'll be ok. if worst comes to worst, I can take a taxi back to the hotel. a lot less people speak English than I expected. I haven't heard from my husband, or anyone else for that matter since leaving on the train yesterday. if it's not too much to ask, could you be in touch regularly? I'm pretty isolated and hearing from home would be comforting. I'm ok but don't want to feel along the next 5 days. especially since my hotel room doesn't have wifi.

I'll write more later. the bus tour was good except my camera battery died half way through - our new camera from a full lithium battery. not cool and I have no way of charging it. but I suppose it doesn't matter since I also discovered that the memory card is missing. I suspect it's still in my computer at home and was not put back last time it was used. so in general it's been a day of successes and disappoints.

Berlin is very pretty though.

Sent from my iPod

sunrise

in my experience, the worst part of having a partner is having someone you miss when you go away from them. i'm leaving tomorrow for berlin, and i was feeling super excited until i got thinking about saying goodbye to brendan. BUT i'm committed to not letting that ruin my time. i'll be back in less than a week and we're going to skype. i should make the most of it, right? i'm sure i'll have a great time, and brendan will be fine on his own.

tomorrow i take the 9:00 train to montreal, then a bus to the airport, then a plan to zurich, then another plane to berlin. it'll be a long journey, but it'll be fun. i love the journey part of every trip. this one will be particularly good since i'm traveling business class the whole way. i really like business class on the train. it's so comfortable and the food is delicious and free! i'm not exactly sure what business class is like on a plane. i think the seats are slightly bigger, and i've heard the food is better (and i quite like plane food to start with). it's too bad that i can't take advantage of the free alcoholic drinks. i had a virgin strawberry daiquiri at marilyn's retirement party last night. it was delicious, but not cheaper, as i would've expected. it seems they charged me for the alcohol they didn't include.

tell me something... what are probiotics? because i'm pretty sure they're making my yogurt less good tasting. or at least giving it an undesirable texture.

i checked the weather in berlin for the next week and it ranges between 0 and 5ºC, which is an improvement to the biting wind that hurt my face while out for errands this afternoon.

since i had the day off, brendan was able to take the car to his placement and come home at lunch time. i made us some lunch. i realized that i'd totally forgotten to use the kale that i bought last week :S so i made us tomato soup and kale chips. they turned out pretty well, but i've realized that i really don't enjoy it when my food has a strong olive oil taste. olive oil seems to be the most aggressive of the oils. i think i'll give it another try sometime, but use a more subtle oil or maybe even melted butter.

i still have more things to do (like find our european socket adapter), so i should get on with it. good news! i found my missing address book! yay! i wasn't even looking for it.

every place i go, i'll think of you.