it's interesting the snap shots that people remember. often times someone's words will impact me or stick with me long after they said them, and they probably don't even realize it.
i've been listening to leonard cohen a lot this week. another from the collection of cds gifted to us from my cousin. the album contains a song i didn't know, and for as much as my conscious self knew, i'd never heard it before. when a line caught my ear and threw me back to 8 years ago when i sat in the living room of a friend. i remembered a song was playing in the background and she commented on the lyrics. her remarks never left me, even though i didn't know the song. i don't think i even knew it was leonard cohen. but i accidentally found it. it feels a little like becoming acquainted with an old friend's friend. it made me miss her. made me extra fond of that moment.
last night brendan, robb and i sat around a country kitchen table drinking wine in the dark talking about deep and meaningful things. it was rich and lovely. it will turn into a lovely memory.
i remember you well.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
midnight
i don't refer to myself as a pacifist. there's still too much flawed natural instinct inside me to be worthy of such a title. but i desire pacifism. i desire it for my heart, my actions, my country, the world. when given a choice, i choose pacifism. but still, right now it would be wrong for me to claim to be a pacifist because i'm still far too inconsistent, too immature. instead i consider myself a supporter of peace and a proponent for true humanity. i believe there's a better way. that we need to push thru our raw form and live better, choose better, be better than just raw. when we're kids we use our fists, when we're adults we use our words. imagine a grown adult in his or her work place resorting to kicking and biting when faced with conflict. they'd get fired! because that's insane! and yet violence is still considered a reasonable response to current world events. it's uncreative. it's unresourceful. and short-sighted. anything and everything that doesn't make the world a better place in the long term and the short term, for individuals and people groups, needs to be reconsidered and something more imaginative done instead.
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
transition
man, i haven't been jogging since friday and i'm really jonesing for some exercise! i took saturday off because i'd already completed 3 runs that week. i wanted to go on sunday but then ended up taking a three hour nap! that's quite unlike me, but nancy served some intense campaigne in honour of audrey's first birthday. it made me sleepy. so sunday was shot, then monday it rained. i don't have a running armband for my ipod yet, so i didn't want to risk it falling out of my hand if it got slippery. i've looked at many different stores for armbands and haven't found one that i like yet. last week on my way home from work, i was stopped at a red light. on the corner were some joggers, by the looks of it they were a couple. the guy was wearing an armband, and it got me wondering where here got it and how much it was. after a few minutes of me watching them, i saw that the girl was staring back at me, and i realized the guy was topless and sweaty and she probably thought i was ogling him.
we're currently pet-sitting. we're taking care of andrew and shannon's two cats and one bunny, and taking care of stuart's cat. it's pretty funny. our cats are the fatest.
it's hard to believe that we're at the end of august. i've already flipped my calendar to september. brendan will soon start his second and final year of college, which is exciting. he has two placements this year, one at frontenac mental health services and one at the john howard society. they're both pretty tough, but i'm sure they'll be rewarding. his teachers are very confident in his ability, which is pretty assuring. i actually think they see his potiential more than he does.
all this waiting for the power,
we're currently pet-sitting. we're taking care of andrew and shannon's two cats and one bunny, and taking care of stuart's cat. it's pretty funny. our cats are the fatest.
it's hard to believe that we're at the end of august. i've already flipped my calendar to september. brendan will soon start his second and final year of college, which is exciting. he has two placements this year, one at frontenac mental health services and one at the john howard society. they're both pretty tough, but i'm sure they'll be rewarding. his teachers are very confident in his ability, which is pretty assuring. i actually think they see his potiential more than he does.
all this waiting for the power,
for some answer to this fire.
Friday, August 24, 2012
knots
i've been pretty down in the dumps for the last 24 hours, maybe even 36 hours. i'm pretty sure it's pms related and it will pass, but it's hard in the meantime.
as i reflected more on my last post, i worried that it may have further alienated me from those around me. i am feeling super toxic at the moment and i hope i did not offend while i reflected on the differences between me and others. when i'm feeling low, undervalued and isolated, i tend to push people away. b was in a very confusing place last night, torn between trying to affirm and love me, and trying not to step on the TNT that is me right now.
i keep trying to do the things i expect will help me feel better - a walk, a shower, some writing, some praying, some sleep, some food - but nothing's really helps. i think i'm just going to have to ride it out. i suspect that my attempt to self-soothe is making me naval-gazing and it'd probably do me some good to think of others instead of me right now.
i've just had a flash of inspiration. while i can't change my circumstances, i can choose how i respond. i'm going to TRY to be positive and hopeful. maybe i feel displaced right now, like i don't know where i belong, but it won't be like this forever. this could be a good opportunity for me to find a new place.
as i reflected more on my last post, i worried that it may have further alienated me from those around me. i am feeling super toxic at the moment and i hope i did not offend while i reflected on the differences between me and others. when i'm feeling low, undervalued and isolated, i tend to push people away. b was in a very confusing place last night, torn between trying to affirm and love me, and trying not to step on the TNT that is me right now.
i keep trying to do the things i expect will help me feel better - a walk, a shower, some writing, some praying, some sleep, some food - but nothing's really helps. i think i'm just going to have to ride it out. i suspect that my attempt to self-soothe is making me naval-gazing and it'd probably do me some good to think of others instead of me right now.
i've just had a flash of inspiration. while i can't change my circumstances, i can choose how i respond. i'm going to TRY to be positive and hopeful. maybe i feel displaced right now, like i don't know where i belong, but it won't be like this forever. this could be a good opportunity for me to find a new place.
he can sit along as my hair grows.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
photoshopped
lately it feels like there's something wrong with me. i've been noticing that other people get about excited about things that i simply don't care about. i feel constantly baffled about what's so great about this or that. i'm always wondering why.
why are everyone else so excited?
why is that a worthwhile use of my time?
why don't i have any desire to participate?
maybe i'm just not a joiner.
i guess the best and most current example of this is the cardboard boat making activity this past weekend. on sunday, instead of a church service, nexters gathered on the shore of lake ontario to make cardboard boats then race them. from the word 'go' i had no interest in attending this. i don't know if it's because i don't have kids, becase i'm sure there are plenty of non-parents who'd be all over that kind of thing. maybe it's because i'm not competitive. whatever it is, it just doesn't 'float my boat'. at the risk of sounding uptight, it just seems like a silly activity. or at least too silly for me.
i think partly what it comes down to is time. between work and sleeping... plus family+friends and housework, i don't have a lot of time left over. what little time i have is valuable to me and i want to use it in meaningful, enjoyable and restful ways. i'm pretty sure if i had more time on my hands, i'd be much more open to doing silly things simply for the experience of it.
it's not that i'm wish things were different, i just wish i didn't feel so different from everyone around me. i feel weird, like an outsider. my community likes dance parties. they like certain people i don't connect with. they use colourful words to describe things and people (such as "AWESOME!" when i feel it's "ok" or "neato"). maybe i'm just cynical.
i just don't understand them. and i just don't understand me. it's probably the fact that i can't put my finger on why i don't want to participate is what's bothering me most. it's concerning. and i hate that by not participating i miss out on relationship- and memory-building moments.
as time passes and things change, i feel like i'm fading more and more. becoming a wall-flower. i feel on the fringe of everyone else's "AWESOME" and silly experiences.
why are everyone else so excited?
why is that a worthwhile use of my time?
why don't i have any desire to participate?
maybe i'm just not a joiner.
i guess the best and most current example of this is the cardboard boat making activity this past weekend. on sunday, instead of a church service, nexters gathered on the shore of lake ontario to make cardboard boats then race them. from the word 'go' i had no interest in attending this. i don't know if it's because i don't have kids, becase i'm sure there are plenty of non-parents who'd be all over that kind of thing. maybe it's because i'm not competitive. whatever it is, it just doesn't 'float my boat'. at the risk of sounding uptight, it just seems like a silly activity. or at least too silly for me.
i think partly what it comes down to is time. between work and sleeping... plus family+friends and housework, i don't have a lot of time left over. what little time i have is valuable to me and i want to use it in meaningful, enjoyable and restful ways. i'm pretty sure if i had more time on my hands, i'd be much more open to doing silly things simply for the experience of it.
it's not that i'm wish things were different, i just wish i didn't feel so different from everyone around me. i feel weird, like an outsider. my community likes dance parties. they like certain people i don't connect with. they use colourful words to describe things and people (such as "AWESOME!" when i feel it's "ok" or "neato"). maybe i'm just cynical.
i just don't understand them. and i just don't understand me. it's probably the fact that i can't put my finger on why i don't want to participate is what's bothering me most. it's concerning. and i hate that by not participating i miss out on relationship- and memory-building moments.
as time passes and things change, i feel like i'm fading more and more. becoming a wall-flower. i feel on the fringe of everyone else's "AWESOME" and silly experiences.
Don't say 'infinitely' when you mean 'very;'
otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.
otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
triangle
have you ever had something for lunch that was super awesome, so you made it again a few days later only to find it wasn't nearly as good as you remembered it? what's up with that!?!?!
i had a dentist appointment today. the girl who works the reception desk there is very nice. every time i'm there she knows me by name. i'm really puzzled by this. my old doctor's receptionist knew me by name, but i always thought that was because i had allergy shot appointments every month. i go to the dentist a few times a year, how does this woman know my name!?!? she must see hundreds of people a week! sometimes i wonder if she just looks up patient's names prior to their arrival so she can seem all friendly, but i'm pretty sure she doesn't do that. *shrug*.
i can't remember i've mentioned this or not (i know i've talked about it with several people), but i'm investigating braces. i have this little baby corner tooth that has come loose (not surprising since they're only supposed to last a few years). i once had a consultation about a dental implant, but it's super expensive and my dental plan won't cover it. BUT my plan will cover 50% for braces and if i just get the top done it shouldn't cost very much. i do have a healthy adult tooth, it's just hiding in the roof of my mouth. it would need some coaxing, but could be slid into place. my appointment today was supposed to be a consultation and quote, but it turns out that my dentist is going to refer me to an orthodontist because it's not an a-typical case. he said "it would take a while, but it would work", then gave a guestimate of a year and a half to two years, which is what i expected in the first place. i hope when i get the consultation it's within the ballpark i've got in my head. after going thru the process of deciding and weighing my options, i'd be disappointed. the dentist today confirmed that my baby tooth is gonna fall out soon. while i've grown to be quite comfortable with my crooked teeth (and they're much more subtle then they used to be), i want to have that corner tooth so i can eat without difficulty, so i do want to proceed. i feel a little awkward about getting braces in my 30s, but scarlete inspired me - she normalized it. and i've noticed it's really not unsightly or weird.
the funny thing is, if i get braces i'll look even younger than brendan.
i had a dentist appointment today. the girl who works the reception desk there is very nice. every time i'm there she knows me by name. i'm really puzzled by this. my old doctor's receptionist knew me by name, but i always thought that was because i had allergy shot appointments every month. i go to the dentist a few times a year, how does this woman know my name!?!? she must see hundreds of people a week! sometimes i wonder if she just looks up patient's names prior to their arrival so she can seem all friendly, but i'm pretty sure she doesn't do that. *shrug*.
i can't remember i've mentioned this or not (i know i've talked about it with several people), but i'm investigating braces. i have this little baby corner tooth that has come loose (not surprising since they're only supposed to last a few years). i once had a consultation about a dental implant, but it's super expensive and my dental plan won't cover it. BUT my plan will cover 50% for braces and if i just get the top done it shouldn't cost very much. i do have a healthy adult tooth, it's just hiding in the roof of my mouth. it would need some coaxing, but could be slid into place. my appointment today was supposed to be a consultation and quote, but it turns out that my dentist is going to refer me to an orthodontist because it's not an a-typical case. he said "it would take a while, but it would work", then gave a guestimate of a year and a half to two years, which is what i expected in the first place. i hope when i get the consultation it's within the ballpark i've got in my head. after going thru the process of deciding and weighing my options, i'd be disappointed. the dentist today confirmed that my baby tooth is gonna fall out soon. while i've grown to be quite comfortable with my crooked teeth (and they're much more subtle then they used to be), i want to have that corner tooth so i can eat without difficulty, so i do want to proceed. i feel a little awkward about getting braces in my 30s, but scarlete inspired me - she normalized it. and i've noticed it's really not unsightly or weird.
the funny thing is, if i get braces i'll look even younger than brendan.
seems i have forgotten
all the words to forget.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
dundee
it's funny how you can come across a guy you used to like on facebook, only to find him surprisingly gross. man, i feel lucky to be married to b. he's so much better than that other guy. i really don't know what i saw (or imagined) in him.
did i tell you i took up jogging? well i did. i'm a jogger. i jog now. or at least jog a little. i have this training routine that starts with me walking 6 minutes, jogging 1 minute for the first week, then walking 5 minutes the next week with 2 minutes of jogging and so on. i do this big loop around the inner harbour. i'm often worried i'll bump into someone i know or they might see me from their living room window (i try to avoid passing houses i know). i'm really enjoying it and i get home feeling pumped. my last jog segment of last night was awesome. i felt like i'd really hit my stride and was moving along at a smooth pace quite comfortably. i impressed myself because i actually felt like i knew what i was doing.
on my new ipod, i have a calorie counter app that i dutifully input my intake and exercise in. it's very satisfying.
i got my new ipod engraved (it was free). i wasn't inspired on what to have it say, so i got this obscure quote. but now i wish it said 'patron saint of perpetual dynamite". that would've been appropriate. oh well. my off-beat, random quote suits me too.
i tiptoe across the squeaky floor.
did i tell you i took up jogging? well i did. i'm a jogger. i jog now. or at least jog a little. i have this training routine that starts with me walking 6 minutes, jogging 1 minute for the first week, then walking 5 minutes the next week with 2 minutes of jogging and so on. i do this big loop around the inner harbour. i'm often worried i'll bump into someone i know or they might see me from their living room window (i try to avoid passing houses i know). i'm really enjoying it and i get home feeling pumped. my last jog segment of last night was awesome. i felt like i'd really hit my stride and was moving along at a smooth pace quite comfortably. i impressed myself because i actually felt like i knew what i was doing.
on my new ipod, i have a calorie counter app that i dutifully input my intake and exercise in. it's very satisfying.
i got my new ipod engraved (it was free). i wasn't inspired on what to have it say, so i got this obscure quote. but now i wish it said 'patron saint of perpetual dynamite". that would've been appropriate. oh well. my off-beat, random quote suits me too.
i tiptoe across the squeaky floor.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
enroute
i read recently 'you don't have to compromise your convictions to be compassionate'. and while i agree with this, it's been puzzling me quite a bit. mostly the word 'convictions'.
i take a 'live and let live' approach to life, which means loving people and demonstrating compassion without imposing my choices on them. i'm pretty sure that i've written before reflecting on the difference between morality and ethics. basically, i feel that morality is one's individual behaviours. and unless i'm asked to help support or provide accountability, i'm not going to butt in. then ethics, on the other hand, is the larger workings of society. as a member of society i have a responsibility to do my part to make life better for others.
anyways, i'm kind of going off topic. this whole word "convictions" has really been stumping me. maybe it's partly because it seems so bizarre that someone would not show compassion because they disagree with x or y. i guess that's because it contradicts the objective of helping make life better for everyone.
i think the weird thing about it is... where do convictions come from? i think culture plays a big part in creating conviction - cultural norms. it's true to say that religion has also played a big part in telling people what their convictions should be. i'm currently reading a book about ireland in 500 A.D. and rome has just decreed that priests, nuns and monks should be celibate and that divorce is not ok. before that priests and nuns often had spouses to help them better engage with the community. so it was the church (not God's writing on their hearts) who told them they should be celibate. it's just interesting to me that many norms we've come to accept as appropriate, were introduced at some point, by someone (intentionally or not).
sometimes external convictions are just as important, if not more important, than our own gut instinct. truth be told, sometimes our internal compass is broken. i know with complete certainty that my natural choices would have taken me in a different direction without the influence of faith and jesus in my life. and i'm very thankful i didn't take that route because i feel that i'm a healthier, happier, more whole person today than i would've been.
so after all this writing, this downloading of thought, has brought me to a rough conclusion. my adaptation of the original quote would be... "don't let what makes your life better, make another person's life worse". or "don't idolize your moral compass so much that you develop contempt for everything else". or perhaps it's just simpliest to say "love God, love others... with no exceptions".
why are the most important things the most difficult to explain?
i take a 'live and let live' approach to life, which means loving people and demonstrating compassion without imposing my choices on them. i'm pretty sure that i've written before reflecting on the difference between morality and ethics. basically, i feel that morality is one's individual behaviours. and unless i'm asked to help support or provide accountability, i'm not going to butt in. then ethics, on the other hand, is the larger workings of society. as a member of society i have a responsibility to do my part to make life better for others.
anyways, i'm kind of going off topic. this whole word "convictions" has really been stumping me. maybe it's partly because it seems so bizarre that someone would not show compassion because they disagree with x or y. i guess that's because it contradicts the objective of helping make life better for everyone.
i think the weird thing about it is... where do convictions come from? i think culture plays a big part in creating conviction - cultural norms. it's true to say that religion has also played a big part in telling people what their convictions should be. i'm currently reading a book about ireland in 500 A.D. and rome has just decreed that priests, nuns and monks should be celibate and that divorce is not ok. before that priests and nuns often had spouses to help them better engage with the community. so it was the church (not God's writing on their hearts) who told them they should be celibate. it's just interesting to me that many norms we've come to accept as appropriate, were introduced at some point, by someone (intentionally or not).
sometimes external convictions are just as important, if not more important, than our own gut instinct. truth be told, sometimes our internal compass is broken. i know with complete certainty that my natural choices would have taken me in a different direction without the influence of faith and jesus in my life. and i'm very thankful i didn't take that route because i feel that i'm a healthier, happier, more whole person today than i would've been.
so after all this writing, this downloading of thought, has brought me to a rough conclusion. my adaptation of the original quote would be... "don't let what makes your life better, make another person's life worse". or "don't idolize your moral compass so much that you develop contempt for everything else". or perhaps it's just simpliest to say "love God, love others... with no exceptions".
why are the most important things the most difficult to explain?
wonder
i was just reading about the pussy riot case. i can't tell if people are (to be blunt) stupid, willfully unsympathic or have been manipulated by the powers that be... but it's pretty darn clear that they did not intend to offend christians, 'abuse God' or attack religious faith. these girls seem to be sincerely concerned by the leadership and power of putin, and vocalized it. and who can blame them! the very fact that they were arrested for not supporting putin and are facing 3 to 7 years in prison... is alarming and unjust. frig, can't russia catch a frickin' break!?!?!? centuries of corruption and dictatorships. sheesh!
since jay got laid off last december i've been keeping my eyes open for job postings at work that might suit him. it's not completely selfless because i'd get a referral bonus, but mostly i just want to help a person find a job since i appreciate that someone did that for me. jay is an unusual fellow and most people don't know what to think of him at first - i sure didn't. but as i've gotten to know him over the years i've come to really enjoy him. he has aspergers, and because of that, he interacts differently than others. i actually quite enjoy interacting with him because you have to be very frank with him because subtly is lost on him. he doesn't get his feelings hurt, and it actually helps him the most to tell it like it is. anyways, there's a job open here that he seems to be qualified for. when i think of the team he'd be joining i wonder how well he'd fit in. i don't know if anyone else at work has aspergers, but truthfully people with aspergers aren't that different from many engineers ;) it's true! in any workplace, i think it would just take the 'right' person to befriend jay and he'd be fine.
since jay got laid off last december i've been keeping my eyes open for job postings at work that might suit him. it's not completely selfless because i'd get a referral bonus, but mostly i just want to help a person find a job since i appreciate that someone did that for me. jay is an unusual fellow and most people don't know what to think of him at first - i sure didn't. but as i've gotten to know him over the years i've come to really enjoy him. he has aspergers, and because of that, he interacts differently than others. i actually quite enjoy interacting with him because you have to be very frank with him because subtly is lost on him. he doesn't get his feelings hurt, and it actually helps him the most to tell it like it is. anyways, there's a job open here that he seems to be qualified for. when i think of the team he'd be joining i wonder how well he'd fit in. i don't know if anyone else at work has aspergers, but truthfully people with aspergers aren't that different from many engineers ;) it's true! in any workplace, i think it would just take the 'right' person to befriend jay and he'd be fine.
when i say 'right' i mean a person of influence. when i was in highschool there was this guy named marco. he was this big italian guy in his 20s who'd returned to highschool to get his diploma after dropping out as a teen. i'm pretty sure his family was involved with the local mafia (yes! kingston has a mafia), and the other boys in his group of friends trailed behind him. at some point, i think thru a peer tutoring class or something, he got connected with a boy named trevor who was part of the special education program at school because he was handicapped (i don't know the P.C. term for this, so please excuse me). trevor and marco just hit it off and would be seen together all around school. i like to think that marco went on to be a social worker or something working with special needs people. anyways, because of the unique friendship, marco's posse (a tough, leather-wearing gang not unsimilar to the guys in grease) welcomed him into their group and started looking out for him. it was fascinating and pretty progressive. it really turned social norms on their head. so back to jay. if he got a job, it would just take one person to help him fit in. i don't have a lot of influence on social circles at work, but i'd do my best to help break the ice.
like the 80s never happened.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
credit
liz gave me a pair of clog birkenstocks that are too big for her. they fit really well and aren't already formed to her feet. however, my feet are not used to them so the leather is giving me blisters. no doubt because i've been subconsciously influenced by brendan, i'm still wearing them even though my feet are sore so they toughen up. last night i gave them a fresh polishing using brendan's shoe polish supplies. they look brand new. b's pretty fond of mink oil so i thought i'd give it a try. i like that i'm married to a man who shines his shoes. he's so into it that i bought him a proper shoe polishing kit last year for his birthday.
actually, last night was pretty productive. i also vacuumed out the car in the rain. part of me wondered if i might get electrocuted but neither the rain nor the vacuum were very strong so i was ok.
AND i volunteered at the hospital and met all sorts of lovely people. i also saw melissa! i was sitting talking to a 94 year old woman when melissa walked past the room and saw me. it was so fun. i was super conflicted because i wanted to run over and hug her, but the lady was chatting and didn't realized i'd just spotted a friend. it made me smile for the rest of the evening. i also saw meghan from next there too, she works in nutrition and was delivering food to the patients i was visiting. fun fun fun.
you know what i love about having hairy legs? that upon seeing my hairy legs that guys instantly stop thinking of me as a sexual object and start thinking of me as a person (perhaps even as an equal), because my body is of interest to them.
actually, last night was pretty productive. i also vacuumed out the car in the rain. part of me wondered if i might get electrocuted but neither the rain nor the vacuum were very strong so i was ok.
AND i volunteered at the hospital and met all sorts of lovely people. i also saw melissa! i was sitting talking to a 94 year old woman when melissa walked past the room and saw me. it was so fun. i was super conflicted because i wanted to run over and hug her, but the lady was chatting and didn't realized i'd just spotted a friend. it made me smile for the rest of the evening. i also saw meghan from next there too, she works in nutrition and was delivering food to the patients i was visiting. fun fun fun.
you know what i love about having hairy legs? that upon seeing my hairy legs that guys instantly stop thinking of me as a sexual object and start thinking of me as a person (perhaps even as an equal), because my body is of interest to them.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
blush
it was a full weekend. nana's birthday, wolfe island music festival, church, lunch with my family, swimming on wolfe island for andrew's birthday, n+g's place for the olympic closing ceremonies. it was really fun, but not particularly restful.
this year was the first since 1984 that i watched none of the sporting events from the olympics. when b and i got married, we made an agreement that we would get rid of my cable but keep the tv set. at that time i felt super reluctant because even though i don't watch a lot of tv, i wanted to still be able to watch the olympics. thankfully i was able to watch the opening and closing ceremonies, even if i saw nothing else (oh, i guess i watched a tiny bit of boxing at my mom's place on sunday). next time i'm going to set up olympic watching dates at different people's houses to make sure i get to watch often. i don't know what it is about the olympics, but it has gripped me since i was 8 years old. i guess it's that olympic fever. i dunno. it was neat on sunday hearing joelle, who is now 9, talk about the athletes. you can tell she caught the bug, just like i did around her age. it was funny because while we were in costa rica, whenever b and i got talking about the olympics or i saw a commerical on the plane or in the airport, i'd get all teary-eyed. i can't help myself! olympcs > heart-warming story > tears. it moves me like an artform.
just keep telling me facts,
and keep making me smile.
this year was the first since 1984 that i watched none of the sporting events from the olympics. when b and i got married, we made an agreement that we would get rid of my cable but keep the tv set. at that time i felt super reluctant because even though i don't watch a lot of tv, i wanted to still be able to watch the olympics. thankfully i was able to watch the opening and closing ceremonies, even if i saw nothing else (oh, i guess i watched a tiny bit of boxing at my mom's place on sunday). next time i'm going to set up olympic watching dates at different people's houses to make sure i get to watch often. i don't know what it is about the olympics, but it has gripped me since i was 8 years old. i guess it's that olympic fever. i dunno. it was neat on sunday hearing joelle, who is now 9, talk about the athletes. you can tell she caught the bug, just like i did around her age. it was funny because while we were in costa rica, whenever b and i got talking about the olympics or i saw a commerical on the plane or in the airport, i'd get all teary-eyed. i can't help myself! olympcs > heart-warming story > tears. it moves me like an artform.
just keep telling me facts,
and keep making me smile.
Thursday, August 09, 2012
cafeteria
whenever i'm on holidays, i always want to make some changes to my life upon returning. sometimes intentionally other times unintentionally. i once had a friend who started disliking me after i went to paris because i was a lot more optimistic and driven when i got home. needless to say, we're not friends anymore.
so while in costa rica i did some reflecting and thinking.
for one thing... i decided i'd like to dread my hair again in my 40s, when grey is starting to take over what used to be brown. i think grey dreads will look awesome. plus, i think i'll keep them for longer. jill has demonstrated that having dreads for 3 years doesn't require shaving one's head at the end.
another thing... i decided i want to be more fit. managing my weight is one thing, being fit is another. i thought i might want to start taking an aquafit class. when i mentioned this to my dad he thought it was a great idea because i was a swimmer in my teens. but when i looked into it i found that the classes are at 10 am every day, so that won't work. plus, it costs money and when it really comes down to it, i don't like paying a lot to exercise. b suggested running, since it's free - or at least doesn't have ongoing fees (i might have to buy some running gear to get started). i tried running once, but it made my lungs burn. so i looked up instructions for how to start running and found a great little 13 week guide that i think i could do. august always seems to be the month when i start getting really interested in exercise. and february is always the month i want to quit because the routine is boring me. i ordered a new ipod yesterday (i've developed a plan to repay my savings), so when it arrives i'll get started on my 13 week training plan. i'm looking forward to it. i think i'll download audio books to listen to while i jog.
the last thing (and least specific)... i'd like to be less busy and more efficient with my use of time. and really, these go hand and hand. good use of time, means more time left over. while i think there's a time and place for lying around and doing nothing, i think that kind of activity is only truly enjoyable when juxtaposed with other activities. completing chores or reading or hobbying or connecting with people. i remember hearing once that using energy gives more energy. it's a bit of a cycle. so last night, i watched an episode of weeds, bought an ipod online, went to the park to read, weeded the driveway, talked on the phone with my mom and went to the store for chips to eat andrew's garden salsa with. it made me feel like my evening was an activity rather than a waste of time.
so while in costa rica i did some reflecting and thinking.
for one thing... i decided i'd like to dread my hair again in my 40s, when grey is starting to take over what used to be brown. i think grey dreads will look awesome. plus, i think i'll keep them for longer. jill has demonstrated that having dreads for 3 years doesn't require shaving one's head at the end.
another thing... i decided i want to be more fit. managing my weight is one thing, being fit is another. i thought i might want to start taking an aquafit class. when i mentioned this to my dad he thought it was a great idea because i was a swimmer in my teens. but when i looked into it i found that the classes are at 10 am every day, so that won't work. plus, it costs money and when it really comes down to it, i don't like paying a lot to exercise. b suggested running, since it's free - or at least doesn't have ongoing fees (i might have to buy some running gear to get started). i tried running once, but it made my lungs burn. so i looked up instructions for how to start running and found a great little 13 week guide that i think i could do. august always seems to be the month when i start getting really interested in exercise. and february is always the month i want to quit because the routine is boring me. i ordered a new ipod yesterday (i've developed a plan to repay my savings), so when it arrives i'll get started on my 13 week training plan. i'm looking forward to it. i think i'll download audio books to listen to while i jog.
the last thing (and least specific)... i'd like to be less busy and more efficient with my use of time. and really, these go hand and hand. good use of time, means more time left over. while i think there's a time and place for lying around and doing nothing, i think that kind of activity is only truly enjoyable when juxtaposed with other activities. completing chores or reading or hobbying or connecting with people. i remember hearing once that using energy gives more energy. it's a bit of a cycle. so last night, i watched an episode of weeds, bought an ipod online, went to the park to read, weeded the driveway, talked on the phone with my mom and went to the store for chips to eat andrew's garden salsa with. it made me feel like my evening was an activity rather than a waste of time.
letters littered
with little lewd pictures
drawn by the ghost of woody guthrie
who would use your big thick hand
just to draw one two for me.
drawn by the ghost of woody guthrie
who would use your big thick hand
just to draw one two for me.
Wednesday, August 08, 2012
jones
it's funny.
or odd or something.
i knew yesterday that unless i went to bed early last night i'd be really tired today, but i didn't so now i'm tired.
i don't where i left things off, but we're home now (got home monday night/tuesday morning). i'll tell you more about it later - specifically the turtle watching on our last night in tortuguero.
i lost my ipod, or at least accidentally left it behind at a hotel. when we left cahuita, we went to buy our bus ticket to the next town and they sold us a ticket an hour earlier than we'd planned so we went back to pack up, and in our rush my tiny ipod must have been overlooked or fallen out of sight. i was pretty bummed. i get attached to things that have given me many special and memorable experiences. i was partly sad that it was gone, partly sad that i'd let myself down by loosing it, and partly sad that i was about to travel for two days straight without it. i had hoped to upgrade to an ipod touch eventually, so it looks like i'll be getting one sooner than planned. the more i thought about it, the more convinced i am that an itouch is a good idea. over recent years, internet cafe's are harder to find when travelling, and i don't have a laptop for when i travel with work. an itouch would give me more connectivity and access to more information - such as delayed flights.
due to many factors, marilyn is going to be retiring in january. i'm going to miss her a lot. she's my best pal at work and a good colleague. as a result, i'm going to have to take on many of her responsibilities, which means travelling to more conferences and exhibitions. i'm most likely going to calgary in early september and phoenix next april. i have mixed feelings about this. emma and i have some big decisions to make about our team (because susanne is leaving too) and how things work. it's nice that emma is involving me so much, it gives me the chance to help structure things in a way that works for me, as well as what i think will work best for the organization. it's funny, i never saw myself as a career woman. and yet, i'm in a position where i'm heavily depended on and have become indisposable. it's both assuring and worrying. i wish i knew another person in my position to talk to for some advise, or even just to hear how she sees navigated her life.
yesterday was a different kind of day. the kind when i was reminded that jobs change, people move on, and nothing stays the same forever. it's not scary. it's good, but confusing because there's so many feelings at once. and life feels a little hazy.
or odd or something.
i knew yesterday that unless i went to bed early last night i'd be really tired today, but i didn't so now i'm tired.
i don't where i left things off, but we're home now (got home monday night/tuesday morning). i'll tell you more about it later - specifically the turtle watching on our last night in tortuguero.
i lost my ipod, or at least accidentally left it behind at a hotel. when we left cahuita, we went to buy our bus ticket to the next town and they sold us a ticket an hour earlier than we'd planned so we went back to pack up, and in our rush my tiny ipod must have been overlooked or fallen out of sight. i was pretty bummed. i get attached to things that have given me many special and memorable experiences. i was partly sad that it was gone, partly sad that i'd let myself down by loosing it, and partly sad that i was about to travel for two days straight without it. i had hoped to upgrade to an ipod touch eventually, so it looks like i'll be getting one sooner than planned. the more i thought about it, the more convinced i am that an itouch is a good idea. over recent years, internet cafe's are harder to find when travelling, and i don't have a laptop for when i travel with work. an itouch would give me more connectivity and access to more information - such as delayed flights.
due to many factors, marilyn is going to be retiring in january. i'm going to miss her a lot. she's my best pal at work and a good colleague. as a result, i'm going to have to take on many of her responsibilities, which means travelling to more conferences and exhibitions. i'm most likely going to calgary in early september and phoenix next april. i have mixed feelings about this. emma and i have some big decisions to make about our team (because susanne is leaving too) and how things work. it's nice that emma is involving me so much, it gives me the chance to help structure things in a way that works for me, as well as what i think will work best for the organization. it's funny, i never saw myself as a career woman. and yet, i'm in a position where i'm heavily depended on and have become indisposable. it's both assuring and worrying. i wish i knew another person in my position to talk to for some advise, or even just to hear how she sees navigated her life.
yesterday was a different kind of day. the kind when i was reminded that jobs change, people move on, and nothing stays the same forever. it's not scary. it's good, but confusing because there's so many feelings at once. and life feels a little hazy.
you took the air,
you took the time,
you were fed and you were free.
you were fed and you were free.
Saturday, August 04, 2012
plantain
so we´re currently in this tiny town called tortuguero. it´s not quite an island, but only accessible by sea or air. silly us, we arrived with next to no cash only to find they have no bank :S it´s ok though. we found this really awesome restaurant (called the wild ginger) that will give cash back on a credit card. so we´re ok.
this is an amazing town. unlike anything else. the closest comparison would be toronto island mixed with pang mixed with the carribean. we´re going on a turtle walk tonight to watch see turtles lay eggs under moonlight on the beach!! so cool!
i should go. i´m starting to feel tired and will be ready for home come tomorrow night (our last night in costa rica)
ciao!
this is an amazing town. unlike anything else. the closest comparison would be toronto island mixed with pang mixed with the carribean. we´re going on a turtle walk tonight to watch see turtles lay eggs under moonlight on the beach!! so cool!
i should go. i´m starting to feel tired and will be ready for home come tomorrow night (our last night in costa rica)
ciao!
Thursday, August 02, 2012
zion
despite the fact that it thunderstormed all night, and i mean THUNDERSTORMED (we've never experienced anything like that before), the weather has been pretty good today.
we rented a pair of bikes and cycled down the coast. they were old fashioned bikes, with baskets and pedal brakes. it was super fun. so lovely. i'd never seen brendan ride a bike before! it's been several decades since i rode a bike without hand-brakes, so it took some getting used to, but i really liked it. it's low-fi.
my favourite thing about costa rica is how simple it is. low-fi. it seems to suit me. i think i could easily live in a no-frills country. the plumbing is pretty basic. we're not supposed to flush toilet paper. sometimes i forget, but on the whole remember fairly consistently.
our current town is called puerto viejo. it is known for it's impressive break point (surfing wave), and literally grew as a tourist town around that. the surf is called salsa brava, and is apparently referred to as "the cheese grater" by locals. it starts instantly (no gradual build-up) at a coral reef. if you land it properly, you're good to the shore. if you don't, then you go head first into the reef. owww.
it's another laid-back coastal town, but different to cahuita. still very cool. slightly less rural. i love that compared to san jose, we haven't seen one fast-food joint or chain-hotel.
my body is tanned, bruised, covered in bug-bites and blisters, and it feels good. i like using my body so much. it feels good. it makes me feel connected with it and my surroundings.
i'm really enjoying the bell jar. i don't find it dark at all. more broody than dark. i'm only 1/3 of the way in, so it could still take a dark turn. but the writing is good and the narrative seems sincere.
we'll i'm off. ciao!
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