maybe

it is well with my soul.

thanks again. i forgot to tell you that i like the way you spell tonne.

i'm currently duking it out with my paperboy. i have a plaque on my mailbox that says "no flyers please". in recent months that plaque has been ignored and each week i take at least 3 newspapers out of my postbox and put it into the recycling bin. i've changed my strategy and now i'm being passive aggressive. i'm hoping by not removing the newspaper he'll eventually stop trying. so at this moment it's overflowing with newsprint. HA that'll teach him.

tomorrow i'm going on a road trip with a perfect stranger. i don't suppose it'll be as significant as the last time i traveled with someone i didn't know.

i really like that i never cease to come up with new ways to wear my hair. i find that exciting.

you know what would be gross? unshelled peanut m&m's. YUCK!

i'm late. i should go.

games that never amount
to more than they're meant
will play themselves out.

cultivate

i feel like i'm breathing fresh air. a huge burden has been lifted from me and i can move about in any which way.

i had a brief, yet valuable, conversation with bren yesteday. she reminded me that life doesn't happen in sequence, but instead it happens randomly and chaotically. i think she's right. i've been living with my life on hold and really there's no sense to that. it's not a game of dominos, it's more like a game of pick-up sticks.

i've concluded that the next best thing to someone making me a casserole is when someone comes to my house and makes me dinner. melissa did that for me tonight. i felt kind of guilty that i sat at the kitchen table with my feet up yakking away while she made a salad. she's so lovely.

i think my body is reacting badly to my new deodorant. hm. in unrelated news, my hair is looking fantastic today. it's so long and straight and flat and layered. i love it.

i have a new sense of newness and wholeness and oneness. i hope it stays. i'd love to start each day with the same sense of possibility and wonder. it's amazing.

it's not about what's wrong,
it's about what's right.

oops

life changes from day to day. it's really the only thing that's certain. however, one thing i can always count on is good friends. i decided this morning that i was going to need some good company tonight or else i'd start feeling sorry for myself. so i sent out an email to rally the troops. unfortunately, no one got the email until quite late in the day, although jordin, joanna, cas and chelsea did manage to make it. and i'm so glad. they all came bearing chocolate, ice cream, life savers, booze or inspirational magnets. it cheered my soul and lifted my heart. i'm so blessed to have such fantastic friends. i'm glad i choose to live my life so transparently, because everyone's there for me when i need them. i don't regret that.

your encouragement has meant a great deal to me. more than i can express. i am night and day.

the girls and i got talking about how boys always do way cool group events, while we girls never have people to do stuff with. it was so good for me to hear that they feel the same way, and declared that we should do stuff together more often! i'm even hoping to organize a girls camping trip this summer. heck, if the boys get to have a camping trip than why can't we!?!? then we had a group hug.

without a doubt, i get better with age. like a fine wine really.

raise your hopeful voice.

end

how is it possible for me to be everybody's favourite girl and yet so incredibly unlucky in love. it just doesn't make any sense. this strange contradiction makes me almost ill.

apparently i'm unlikable by men. guys just don't dig me. i'm undiggable.

what's wrong with me i wonder. perhaps i SHOULD become a nun, maybe it was my calling all along.

take this sinking boat and point it home.

lovely

does anyone else ever just feel compelled to do something? i wasted 45 minutes driving around ktown this evening trying to find a copy of "little women" because i felt an urge to watch it. totally random! i wish i hadn't wasted my time because i didn't find one :( one of these days my compulsions are going to get me into trouble.

marilyn brought me a box of cook books at work the other day. i guess a friend had given them to her and she picked what she wanted out of it and gave me the rest. there's one cook book that's looks particularly good. i think i'll go thru it and dog-ear all the recipes that interest me. there's another book that weirds me out a little, it's called "cook milk any flavour you'd like!" that's so bizarre! i'm sure i'd cook for myself more often if i didn't keep my fridge and cupboards borderline empty all the time. joy called tonight to thank me for the casserole i made them. they'd just finished it. i'm glad they appreciated it and yet still noted the irony that they'd just had a casserole i'd made and i was about to have some campbell's tomato soup for dinner.

as i talked with marilyn today i realized that the reason why i'm going on that business trip to pittsburgh next week is because they want to mentor me to advance in the company. she made some comment about me being there long after she retires. so i said to her "well you never know marilyn, hopefully i'll have kids someday and maybe i won't come back after that. i could really easily set up my own graphic design business". she seemed really surprised to hear this. it's as though it never occurred to her that i'd like to have kids eventually. i guess we've never talked about it before, i'm glad i said something because if nothing else it prepares them for that possibility down the road. partly why i decided to become a designer is so i could free-lance from home. i'm certain i could develop a fairly lucrative business, i already do a lot of probono work, so i'm sure i could get some paying customers thru word of mouth. but whatever, that's a long way down the road, in the mean time i'll take advantage of working for the man.

i can't believe it's after 9:30. i feel like i wasted my whole evening. i wish i'd found a copy of little women, at least i would be able to account for what i did this evening. i'm gonna go call little r, and drink some wine while i do some dishes (it has to get used up!). i'm feeling guilty about using my time so unwisely. although, i did do my workout so that's good, i felt like i had a little too much ass today :p

i don't know you,
but i want you all the more for that.

**********************************
addendum:
is a broken wine glass recyclable? because i just broke one while doing the dishes. my pinky finger is bleeding.

stitches

liam daniel olding was born at 9:20 am today.
he was 6 lb 12 oz.

i was there.

tim called at 6:52 to say that they were at the hospital and i'd better get my butt down there. i rushed as fast as i could and made it into her room on connell 5 by 7:20. she was 5 centimetres dilated. when i realized she was still only halfway and had another 5 centimetres to go i wished i brought my knitting. i had to leave the room when she got the epidural, that took about 20 minutes, then after that it was smooth sailing. we chatted about various things while tim made phone calls. i asked the nurse questions, tried to be helpful and stay out of the way. at about 8:50 while tim had gone to the cafeteria for a coffee, joy said to the nurse "i'm feeling a lot of pressure". pat the nurse checked her out and discovered she was now 10 centimetres dilated and ready for action. she took some time prepping everything, and joy began pushing at about 9:10. it went off without a hitch. text-book. fantastic. several of joy's friends and my mom were concerned about me being there, and joy's friend diane told her to keep me by her head. but i wasn't scared, disturbed by the blood or bothered by her nudity.

i loved that the tool used to break her water looks like a crochet hook.

i got to cut his umbilical cord.

several weeks ago someone asked me what i thought the name would be. i said i wasn't sure, then the name liam popped into my head. i told her "well, for some reason liam comes to mind, but nah, it probably won't be that. it was too popular a couple years back". i was shocked when she told me, i danced around and said "i guessed it was going to be liam!"

i have never felt as connected to my womanhood before in my life. i was utterly amazed by my own instincts. once he was out and lying on joy's belly, she and i just cooed at him for the next 45 minutes. amazed at his goopy beauty. i just wanted to look at him.

at one point when they were trying to get joy cleaned up, tim said "oh, did you want to get covered up because les is here?" and joy said "no, les has seen it all before". there is no shame between us. i'm amazed by the bond between my sister and i. this person i know as though she's my own self. sometimes i find myself looking at my fingers, or my elbows, searching for scars i was certain existed, until i remember; no those are joy's fingers, they're her scars.

i'm so honoured to have been at the birth of her son. to witness him emerging. to celebrate his arrival. i don't think i'll ever be the same again.

and i look at their babies,
and their tiny little hands,
and the way they get loved and the way they get loved.

memorial

oh my belly... i ate too many organic swedish berries.

guess what?!!? i bought boggle today. i woke up with an overwhelming urge to play it. historically, i haven't been much of a game person. i think it's because 95% of my friends are girls and we usually sit around knitting and chatting. but it's also that i'm not competitive at all, i don't care enough, it's just a game. however, i got thinking about my aversion to competition and realized something.... winning has never boded well for me. in the past when i've won at something (admittedly not very often because i really don't care about winning), the person i was playing against has made a big stink. i remember with one boyfriend, we'd played chess about 30 times, then i won and he refused to ever play with me again. same thing happened when we played tennis. that makes a person feel this |----| big. when i was in elementary school, if i ever got a C on a test or project i would just leave it on my desk, i didn't care if anyone saw it. but if i got an A i would flip it over because i didn't want the person who got a C to feel bad. i don't mind competitive people, i just wish they were mindful of their actions. making someone feel crappy for winning is a terrible thing to do. i hate sore losers, they ruin things and take the fun out of everything. i'm excited about boggle, i'm taking it to rhonda's tonight. this doubles my game collection! although, yatzhee doesn't belong to me, it's melinda's. man, i love prison-rules yatzhee.

i'm a wildflower. you're a wallflower.

everybody makes mistakes,
but i feel alright when i come undone.

wooden

i have this problem. i eat smart food compulsively. i had a friend once who would buy it for me all the time, i think he did it to please me when in truth i'd be like "oh crap" because it has this crazy power over me. i love and hate the smart food.

i try to be like you,
try to feel it like you do,
but without you it's no use;
i can't see what you see
when i look at the world.

don't ask. don't tell.

after the puking continued i had to take the honey to the vet. it turns out it was a result of her eating my desk plant. phew! if i had to put down another cat due to unfortunate incidents i would be rather distraught. so i'm having to take the plant to work instead of keeping it here at the pad.

i went to jase & rach's for the evening. they are one of my favourite couples. they're super individuals and an amazing couple :) i had a great time sitting on their floor couch and chatting the night away. jase found this hilarious website: http://www.hillaryclintonisyournewbicycle.com/ it totally cracks me up. just keep clicking on the text and it'll scroll thru several dozen different proclamations.

for my next project i'm going to knit a shrug. what's a shrug you ask?!? well, it's like a bodyless sweater. it just covers your arms and a portion of your back. i see myself wearing one with a tank top on mild summer evenings. anyways, i found a couple patterns online and i'm trying to decide between them. here's option one and option two. i'm leaning towards option two but haven't come to a final decision.

well, i'd have to say, all things considered, i'm a very thankful person. on the way to work today i was thinking about how grateful i am for my job. and i'm thankful for little stubs who's allowed herself to be my soundwall regarding the bored, and i'm glad that honey is not dying. and that my laundry lady did my last load for free because they lost my t-shirt last time. that doesn't make up for my missing shirt that i really liked, but it was a nice gesture.

i got out of the shower today and my face was bleeding. i don't know what i'd done to it, but there was a little cut on my cheekbone. i didn't tend to it, it left a mark all day. i really like it. i don't know why. i realize that's weird.

i've been writing long entries lately. sorry. considering i'm finding my life so boring lately i sure have a lot to say.

giving the chances to take it all in stride.

argh! you've GOT to be KIDDING ME! that's so unfair :(

secret decoder ring

puking cats make me nervous. to me, a puking cat = death. i'm worried because honey has been puking since last night before bed. i'm really hoping that there's nothing wrong, but i'm honestly a little scared. this morning i woke to the sound of her barfing on my bedroom floor at 4:45. i couldn't fall back to sleep. thankfully, my rude awakening made me realize i still had my contacts in. my day was tiring and i felt like ass all day because i only had 5 hours sleep. feeling tired makes me feel sad and i just didn't have any resilience.

i wore my glasses to work today. numerous people were commenting on them, apparently they'd never seen me in glasses before except, i HAVE worn them before. ferrence even said to me "what are those things on your face?". then he corrected himself and said "thing, why are they plural?". i told him because there are two glasses. he still argued with me. so i said "what about pants?? pants are plural". then i wondered why pants are plural and shirt is not. they've implemented a new dress code at work. i'm not particularly happy about that. secretly i kind of like being dressed up, but the frugal side of me doesn't like buying work clothes. so i resent this new standard. however, i do relish the fact that all those jean wearers finally got shut down. sweet justice.

a nice warm sunny spot in my day was when i arrived home to find a package in my mailbox from dawna. yay! she sent me a book called "the friday night knitting club". i got into some cozy clothes, tucked under a blanket and cracked it open almost immediately. THANKS DAWNA! your timing was impeccable. i'm gonna go read.

she said i look exactly the same as when i was 13, except only cooler.
he said i'm worth it.
i say i can do this. i hope.

what goes up has so far down to fall.

come

i'm having a difficult time distinguishing between fiction and non-fiction. what's real and what's my imagination? i'm so confused i don't know what's what anymore. then out of the blue i have my sister's exboyfriend giving me unsolicited advise and i want to say to him "listen, i don't recall asking you, or even talking to you in the last 14 years". just because i wear my life on my sleeve doesn't mean everyone gets to have an opinion about it.

today is the first ever family day (as you already know). the only thing i really wanted to do today was sleep in. i've been having a huge battle every morning getting out of bed, and have been looking forward to this weekend for that exact reason. when i finally pulled back my covers this morning it was around noon. i was awake for a little while before that, but i just enjoy lying in bed in a dozy state, paralyzed with comfort. i have to admit while i laid in bed i kind of felt sorry for myself that i don't have any special to do on this holiday in february. however, then i decided that what i need this time of year more than a vacation day is a mental health day. i seriously think anticipating this long weekend has been the exact reason why i haven't had a sick day yet this year.

although, i still felt a need for some company. and seeing as i'm a proactive person and find sitting around waiting incredibly painful, i decided to call joanna and see if she'd like to go out to a flick with me tonight.

joy's due to pop out the little mr at any moment. she's trying to occupy herself with school because she's anxious to get that kid out of her already. i would find that so difficult. that would make me crazy. i say in complete honesty, that i'm not controlling. i'm pretty sure others would agree, but i can't be sure (i know a lot of controlling people who claim that they're not). BUT i find facing something out of my control very very difficult. this is because i'm a very task oriented person, if something needs to be done, i like to just do it. i don't cope well with uncertainty. i can even deal with bad news better than no news.

with your feet in the air and your head on the ground,
try this trick and spin it around.

burnt

sometimes i'm amazed that i've known myself all my life and am still learning new things about me. i am not an organizer. meaning, i never think to organize events. and this bothers me, i'm disappointed, because i really like doing stuff and going places, and yet i'd have to lite a fire under myself if i was actually going to do it. i really like people who can come up with great fun ideas and execute them. i want more people like that in my life. don't get me wrong, i do have friends who are like that, but often our schedules conflict or they're busy doing their fun things with other people. i'm more of a go-along-with-other-peoples cool plans kind of person. i wonder if can change that about myself. i bet i could. once again i'm kind of lamenting the fact that i have very few friends in the same stage of life as me who can just drop everything to have grand adventures or even go with me to the goat on a sunday afternoon. but maybe it's not a matter of stage of life, maybe i just assume too often that no one is free.

i kind of wish i was more evasive. jason got me thinking today, he told me he thought i want everyone to know my business. hm. i wonder if that's true. it is in one sense, that i answer people honestly and i'm not very good at holding in my own business. but on the other hand, i want to be more secretive; to keep myself to myself. i haven't learned to be discreet, i'm legible, i'm translucent. you know? i guess that's just the facts. that's the way i am, so i guess instead of trying to change that, instead of "fixing" it, i'll just have to learn to pick my words more wisely instead of rambling and letting words come out of my mouth.

my ipod makes me strut.

sometimes in life you have to hope for the best.

banjo

my face is cold. my cheeks are rosy.

the things not said between us, add to our silence. i don't know why i didn't realize it before now, i don't know if it's possible for us to move past it. but i can't tell her, i won't.

as i stood at a concert at the artel tonight, i felt a wave of nostalgia. i don't know why, i don't know what. but it was there. i stood listening, and watching the people around me. aren't people fascinating? especially musicians. i don't think there's anything i get lost in the way a musician get's lost in her music. but maybe there is. a person tends not to realize when they're completely absorbed in something.

it seems to me that fear is a good sign.

after the concert i said goodnight to tracka and harry potter... err, i mean lyon (tim cut his hair and totally looks like harry. it's awesome!), and went down to the goat for an hour to read. i had my ipod with me and totally enjoyed my chilly stroll. i wasn't there long, only just settled at a table when i saw from the corner of my eye someone approaching. like a sixth sense, i knew what was coming... he hit on me. i politely told him that i was just there to read and wished him a nice evening. poor guy, i kind of felt sorry for him. he seemed really nervous (which was kind of peculiar because i don't think i've ever made anyone nervous before). but! one must give the guy some credit for being ballsy. good for him.

after i finished meticulously reading (i made for darn sure that i would get a lot of reading done, i didn't want to turn him down in order to read and then spend the next 45 minutes staring out the window), i got on my winter gear and headed home. i LOVED walking with my ipod, that was only my third time using it. it was GREAT! it makes walking so much more enjoyable. i danced my way up colborne street in the dark, holding my free soup from the goat in my left hand. good times. this is clearly the beginning of a beautiful relationship. my ipod and i get along like a house on fire.

now's my chance to find out who i am without a man.

fur coat

i spent my valentine's day evening baking a casserole for my pregnant sister. i'll freeze it, then they can re-heat it once she pops out the junior man. haha, it's odd to me that i'd even make mention of valentine's day because i'm really not a big celebrator. i don't like anything that obligates me. last year i made everyone valentine cards, but didn't this year. it's not that i don't love you girls this year, i just can't be bothered to give cards. maybe i'll make you some for easter or canada day. however, i think i'd prefer to remember the part of today when i went to melissa's house, ate some dessert and drank some wine.

i have to admit, i made that casserole begrudgingly. it bothers me that joy gets a casserole AND a baby, when i don't get either. but not to worry, no need to pity me, i'm sure i'll get my very own casserole some day. regardless, it's done and i'm glad that i did it, i'm happy to be helpful. and i must say, i think it'll turn out to be my best yet.

it's it funny how things work out. i could never have predicted.

jordin came by today to give me some buttons for my tea cozy. she also brought me some unwashed eggs straight from the chickens uterus. haha, do chickens even have uterus's?!?!

love...
it's like a hurricane;
it happens in florida,
it destroys everything.

bad kisser

oh my goodness, i'm feeling very rebellious. i have all this stuff i should be doing right now and i simply don't wanna. i need some fresh air. i need to clear my head.

i've concluded that i feel very naked without my cuffs and my rings. unfortunately, i've been wearing my cuffs since 2002 and the left one is getting a little worse for wear. i don't know what i'll do if it breaks all the way thru. i'll be utterly naked all the time. i don't even like the THOUGHT of that.

isn't the internet grand? my dear old friend ali located me via my blog. she's living in japan! i've been noticing a visitor from japan since last summer, but had no clue who it was. never in a million years would i have suspected it was her. i'm glad it is. i'm glad we've reconnected.

you know... i believe the right music can lift my spirits. i believe it's ok to fix my hair and put on make-up even when i'm spending the evening at home alone. i believe with time and enough effort i'll shed my few extra pounds. i believe your crush on a younger man is acceptable. i believe i may be one of the world's best kept secrets. i believe she's going to win that house. i believe in resigning. i believe in irony. i believe your trip to australia was life-altering. i believe in forgiveness. i believe i need to get this thing out of my house. i believe i've paid my dues. i believe this summer is going to be fabulous. i believe this fever hasn't yet broken. i believe valentines day is a crock.

love...
it's like a trailer park;
ugly but functional,
the rent is cheap enough.

integrity

there was a bit of a mix-up. these things happen. we arrived for the vagina monologues at 8:10, to discover that it actually started at 6:00. we thought it started at 8:30, hence our leisurely approach and our trip to the goat. it was really funny because we did catch the last two monologues, and as irony would have it we arrived in time to see the one and only one about orgasms. different kinds of orgasms actually. it was funny and yet awkward. shannon kept apologizing because she said that was the worst one. hahahaha, the whole thing is just so comical, that sort of thing would only happen to us. we've decided to plan to go together next year instead, in the meantime shannon's going to perform the all monologues for me and chelsea at a later time :p

yup, that's my ticket, and yup it DOES actually say doors open at 5, but.... i don't know. we thought it started at 8:30, so why would one look at the ticket! or something. i dunno.

shannon's lent me the book. i think i'll go get into my 'jammies and crack it open. i was going to wait until i finished my book on south africa, but i'm only half way thru and i'd like to make up for missing the show tonight.

chelsea helped me decide that since i'm not a 14-year-old boy in the 1990s, i should not wear the necklace i was given. that's what i suspected, but i just needed a second option. in truth, i prefer to choose my own accessories.

i can't find my purple t-shirt. i have a feeling that it disappeared at my laundromat. that's what i get for sending my clothes out. instead of my t-shirt it returned with two random sox that didn't belong to me. they're presently in my garbage can.

i really don't like it when people tell me things i already know as though i'm an idiot. please refrain from patronizing me.

OH, exciting news! i'm going on another business trip to pittsburgh! i'm going on either march 4 or march 5. i'm staying at a different hotel this time, there's no indoor pool but each king-size room comes with a whirlpool!! right on. haha, it's funny to me that i get a king-sized bed. i like to sleep sideways across it just because i can. anyway, this time i'm going to go up the duquesne incline. it's apparently it's the second most beautiful view in the usa. maybe, if she's good, i'll take the knickers with me.

love...
it's like a new born child,
seems interesting when it's young,
gets pedestrian after a while.

cochlear

well i'm back from my very first bored meeting (yes, i spelled that right, they call it the bored at next). it started at 6:30 and i got home around 10:20. the funny thing that according to the agenda, we should have been out of there by 7:30. however, i had a really good time. next is an interesting topic and something that's very close to my heart. PLUS, the other bored members are great and extremely entertaining. i wonder about my role on the bored. i wonder how much it will attach itself to me, or if it'll just feel like a sojourned assignment. i do feel a little more comfortable with my commitment after this first meeting. at one point i kind of looked around and thought, this is my first meeting of a three year term. this is the beginning of something.

i feel like i'm holding a poloroid picture, it's just barely beginning to develop. i've just got to wait and see what this picture is going to look like. i'm excited, i want to know, but i have to wait. these things take time.

i'm kind of jealous that you get to peak into my world.

love...
it's like an interstate.
it gets you from place to place,
but it's littered with dead raccoons.

subordinate

OH FOR PETE'S SAKE I'M SO SICK OF BEING MEDIOCRE!! @#%&

seriously, i'm so frustrated with myself. why can't i be good at something, i'm always just so bush-league, and it's really upsetting. i'm getting so tired of getting my ass kicked by everyone!

i finished my tea cozy. it looks awesome, i literary jumped around and squealed at how great it turned out. until... i got it home and discovered it's too tight. it doesn't fit properly on my tea pot. which defeats the purposes and i'm so frustrated!! oh.... (5 minutes later) i just stretched it out and apparently it's fine. alrighty, false alarm. regardless though, i do lament my mediocrity. please don't take this as a plea for compliments, because sometimes it makes it worse when people say "what are you talking about, you're a great knitter" when i know in truth i'm just average and a little sloppy. rachel tells me that mennonite's always include a flaw in their quilts as a reminder that we as humans are flawed. that's kind of refreshing. however, i don't do it on purpose.

here's a picture of me and koe-koe examining
my petit cozy and my medium size pot.

you know, what he said actually offended me to my very core. i can't believe anyone could be so unbelievably ignorant. like, how does he live in THE WORLD being that narrow-minded. nothing is black & white. it took all that is within me to not crawl across the table and shake him. it made me want to email d to tell him i love him just the way he is, but i know that would be suspicious, and i didn't want to explain it. i don't want to burden him with that crap.

i used to be that narrow-minded, until the facts of life pelted me and i developed a new vantage point. it's kind of nice, it's like i've been thru the fire, got a little banged up, but am now formed into something new and better.

for once i want to be the car crash,
not always just the traffic jam.

full

i really need your buttons. chop-chop people! i've finished my tea cozy and am all set to felt it at my homestead tomorrow. in the meantime i've started an ipod travel-case for when i go to baffin. i'm going to need to take my charger with me, and i want a little case to keep everything together. it's coming a lot very nicely considering i'm making the pattern up as i go.

it's almost 8 and the only thing i've eaten today is breakfast and some cookies. tracy came over this afternoon and i baked for her. it had a really lovely visit and i'm so happy she called. it was really great, we had a really good talk and it's left me with lots to ponder about. i've been thinking lately about the necessity to talk with people in different stages of life. i like how everyone has different perspectives and different life experiences. i have so much to learn from everyone, i have my own hurdles to overcome. i was telling tracy how tired i am of retelling the same life stories over and over. but i'm just lazy, i think i should just suck it up and accept that life is like that. there are no short-cuts, we don't come with prologues.

something always happens when you're away. i wonder what may happen this time. i don't think you should be allow to leave the continent, i always get myself into trouble. however, i'll try to behave. unlike last time, or the time before...

i should go. miss joanna is expecting me in the west-end where we'll spend the evening discussing politics and foreign affairs. haha, ok not exactly, but the foreign affairs part is true.

streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.

consonants and vowels

cp got a maid! A MAID! i'm so jealous. how awesome would that be!?!

i had to shovel today. and i concluded something... i was not made for physical labour. i'm such a weakling it's unbelievable. to make matters worse, i couldn't even twist open my tea ball this evening.

you may be on to something. i think i'll take your suggestion.

keep on fighting to remember that nothing is lost in the end.

proof

exhale... i've just arrived home. i've been out all day. first, and most obviously, i was at work. second i was at my mom's for dinner. third i was at the hatch folding party. there was a great turn out tonight and we managed to fold, stuff and staple 500 copies. if you'd like one, please send me your request (and address if necessary). it's a gooder. next step is i have to take them to work and cut them all on the guillotine. THEN we're done. good stuff, good teamwork.

apparently the cat is out of the bag. it's rather embarrassing. does no one know how to play it cool!?!?! :p

i sat beside jay who talked my ear off the entire evening about his visits to a nudest resort. every time i thought the story was over and we'd all moved on to other topics, he'd gently direct my attention back to his nude escapades. it made me a little uncomfortable, there's only so many naked jay stories that i can handle. aside from my awkward shifting in my chair, i had a really good time, and laughed loudly outloud many times. you know the kind of laugh when you throw your head back and the cackle comes from deep in your throat. ah, it felt good.

my mom told me tonight that she and joy are taken a back by my confidence. i guess when i was talking to joy the other night i was telling her how great i am and she didn't know what to think. i laughed and said "oh come on mom! i say that kind of stuff tongue-in-cheek!". sure, i've been known to talk about how awesome i am, that i'm charming & adorable, or sexy as hell. but i'm not serious! if i say that kind of thing and the person i'm talking to starts to laugh i know they "get" it. if they don't, they've clearly missed the point. i'm the first person to criticize me, i have no false delusions. but i think i have a pretty good balance between loving myself and finding me incredibly annoying and frustrating. besides, i take credit for nothing.

i'm just so sick of feeling less than perfect.

spaz

yay yay yay yay!! my ipod arrived today. i'm so excited. it's really little. i got yelsel engraved on the back. it's nice an simple, and undeniably mine. i'm listening to cut copy on it right now! i have it clipped to my painting overalls and i'm dancing around like i'm an ipod commerical. wow, i suddenly feel like such a yuppie!

i never love nobody fully,
always one foot on the ground.
and by protecting my heart truly
i got lost in the sounds.
i hear in my mind all these voices,
i hear in my mind all these words.

with

i feel like my subliminal messages are lost on a world that's ignoring me.

sometimes it feels like the powers that be are stacking the cards against me. i'm constantly taunted. constantly teased. you'd think i'd be getting used to it by now, but no. i think it's worse each time, because i tend to think that ONE of these days my ship is going to come in. and with every new horizon i'm wonder if this is the last. it never is.

i dream of stuffing my ears with mini marshmallows and running far far away. i'm jaded from hearing the same thing rehashed over and over. i've heard it all so many times before that it feels like the words are slowly crushing me. it's making me claustrophobic. i know they mean well, but i just can't take it anymore.

i think my ipod may have arrived today. i discovered a fedex card in my stack of mail, but it was too late to run up division street to retrieve my package. i didn't notice it earlier because i got a postcard from my mom and an amusing envelop from mr al. so maybe tomorrow!! yay!

maybe i would have been something you'd be good at,
maybe you would have been something i'd be good at,
but now we'll never know.

kananaskis

rhonda and i were talking today about how no one blogs about mediocrity or the mundane. well i'm sure some people do, but i doubt many people read those ones. anyway, most people (myself included) talk about strong opinions, strong feelings, big events.

shannon and i are going to see the vagina monologues next tuesday. i'm really excited as is she. she's seen it three times already. shannon's this really adorable women's studies major; she's very passionate and it's infectious. i'm still just getting to know her, and i look forward to hanging out, but i thought the vagina monologues may interest others, so i wanted to put it out there if anyone is interested in joining us they're welcome. perhaps shan and i can go out for dinner before hand just the two of us.

my day started off a little crabby, but it improved thru the day and ended on a good note. i really enjoyed sitting around little r's dinning table with her and tebrake drinking tea and talking about life. it doesn't take much to satisfy me, i'm extremely grateful for all my friends.

i discovered that my hands are the same size of that of a 9 year old boy. when i say this, i don't just mean in length, i mean in finger size. i have unusually small fingers. compare my thumb to someone else's who's also 5'5" and mine looks tiny. it's like a miniature thumb!

i finished hatch this morning at 11 am, then took the files to church to give brandon. this issue was a little painful, but i'm still really proud of it. maybe even more so because it was so challenging. i can't wait to see it in print.

i want to run through the air with no barriers or obstacles.

lysol

on thursday night i was outted as a next church board member. yup it's true. it involved a lot of arm-twisting but i finally cried "uncle" and that was the end. i feel it was the high-five from matt that made it official. this is not sometimes i undertake with much enthusiasm. i find it scary and a lot of responsibility – not like everything is on my shoulders, it just makes me one of the bullseyes for blame. it's a three year term which blows my mind, i can't imagine the state of things in 2011. but, i should console myself, not a lot has changed in the last three years, and i don't suppose much will change in the next three years either. three years isn't a huge amount of time, and i always stay fundamentally the same. melinda tells me that being a board member makes me a woman. wow, ok. i guess that's alright, we can't ALL be little girls.

i was over at helen & terrences last night. i took a cab because the snow was so deep i got stuck pulling in my driveway. helen is obsessed with this one famous girl's live journal. we spent some time perusing it and found this. crazyness!

now that i've found the united kingdom i should get back to painting.

i have photographic evidence that we met in january 2006 at the grad club.

don't try too hard to think... don't think at all.