hat trick

i've received three postcards this week – thanks joanna! meghan! and vincent! :)

its been a very bizarre week, and i can't help but feel a little retarded about it all. but what can you do? like my good friend melissa said "its a part of your nature to be a little high strung", that's true. and i realize that people who know me, love that about me, but i worry they grow tired of it. i worry that you grow tired of me.

i'm a feisty woman. some people use the word "aggressive" to describe me. i opt for feisty, it sounds more charming.

i just got home from beckie's where she force fed me "purple haze" :p and now i'm feeling a tad woozy. she, me, laney and lissa sat of the floor of her empty apartment talking and eating "bastard" bread from panchancos. it was nice. i'm going to miss her. on the upside she's lending me her broom for the next year! score. however, i'd prefer her to stay and me have no broom.

the other night i was talking to vinc' on msn at about 10:30, and my door bell rang. it was odd, i wasn't expecting any visitors, i was wary. as i walked to door i heard someone call out "lesley?" "yes, who is it?" i said, "its alison!" said the voice :) so funny! i like surprises.

i'm thinking about renewing my Y membership. i was going to wait until october when i get back from kenya, but i'm feeling really out of shape lately and regular walks are cutting it. its funny to me that i'll be all buff in the winter and flabby in the summer because i only do weights in the wintertime. seems odd.

thanks for delivering my letter from the frenchman, sorry i missed your visit.

shhh, i know,
its only in my head

passion

argh! ok, enough about that...

ok so ya. on my drive home from work a some stupid guys started honking and "cat calling" at me. it made me very uncomfortable. that's the second time that's happened to me recently. i hate it when that happens, especially at a red light and you're stuck sitting there for 5 minutes trying to pretend you can't hear them. the thing that really gets me is do they really think we're going to respond to that? like seriously, do they think we'll all be like "oh come here big boy..." like that makes no sense.

today i made up a boyfriend. yup. its many years since i made up a boyfriend to ward off men that creep me out. it was very believable. sure, it probably makes me a bad person, but it was effective!

i love hearing the crickets outside, its beautiful.

well i should go to bed. think of me... think of me fondly... ;)
thanks for stopping by!
night, love ya.

another day
just breathe
just believe

glow stick

i've had a much better day :)

i woke up feeling well rested, it makes a huge difference to my mental state. i think i might have been talking in my sleep last night. i dreamt fru was speaking to me, he might have been (in interpretive meows) but in dream he was speaking in english and it didn't occur to me that there was something odd about that. i don't remember what he was saying... why am i still typing this story??

anyway, i had a good day. a fine day.

i biked down to the toucan to meet up with april. on the way i bumped into laney who gave me a hug. as i biked away i felt bad because i didn't ask her how she was doing. i'm sorry about that laney. i'm trying to not be that kind of person. then i stopped at irina's to give her a thank you gift for fru-fru sitting while i was camping (yes, i know that was in july). i was feeling like i haven't been getting much excerise lately, so i biked, but it was downhill the whole way. and my brain said to me "you realize this doesn't count as excerise just because you're outside, right?" hmph.

i was digging thru all the wool i inherted from melinda's housemate's old housmate, and discovered a bizzillion knitting needles. and i declared "as god as my witness... i will never need to buy needles again!" halleujah. (they're all metal too which is good because i accidentally break plastic ones.)

well i guess that's it for today. i'm going to go knit something. then go to bed early :)

i just happen to like apples.

2nd grade

i've been having a rough go of it today. basically, i ended up crying in a bathroom stall at work. i hate it when that happens. thankfully, its only happened once before. not to worry, nothing knickers related. not boy related either. i felt a little better after crying but i still feel a little sad and emotional.

exciting news though! i got my current knitting project done. i'm suprised with myself, i didn't realize i was so close to completion. its pretty jazzy. its another throw custom, i knitted it sidey-ways, and threw in a few cool lines for texture. not a clue what i'll knit next. maybe a sweater for joelle. it'll be my first sweater. i'm planning on knitting a scarf or toque for vinc' for his first canadian winter. i totally picked a fight with him last night which isn't cool at all. not something i'm proud of, but i can't help it. its typical lesley at my worst. that's where the deet starts to kick in. i am deet.

it wouldn't take much to convince me i'm insane right now. hopefully i won't come across anyone who will take it upon themselves to try.

so i've discovered the best way of getting new books. have several of your friends move to remote or distant places and ensure they need a place to store their things while their gone. i've temporarily inherited books from melinda and beckie (all properly labeled so don't worry about them getting mixed up). i'm all set for the next year. i have my own frickin' library.

there is someone who visits pspd on a regular basis from "scarborough junction, ontario". their internet provider is "porchlight" who is this person i wonder. its driving me batty. don't be confused, it may still be you even if you don't live in scarborough junction. my sitemeter isn't super accurate that way.

i wish i could say
something profound,
something outloud.
something to help,
but i can't say.
nothing comes to me now.

delirious

days like today make me feel semi-insane.

this is the kind of day i've been having, the kind of day that results in me taking random pictures of my shoes.


people on the street can see into my apartment. they're looking at me through the window.

i was thinking about my conversation with alison from the other night. the topic of "guard your heart" came up, which is something that has been coming up a lot this summer. i've never been one who is good at doing that. i've got to learn how. i've got to also learn to guard my mind because in a way its the gateway to my heart. i need to stop stewing. its odd, sometimes i just start stewing out of the blue and its inexplainable. how do i do it? guard my heart that is. i dunno.

you know, its jay's birthday tomorrow and i forgot to wish him a happy birthday today when i saw him at church. let me think how old would he be... 25! wow, i remember when he turned 16! jay if you're reading this, happy birthday pixie :) oh darn, i'm trying to have a "non-birthday wishes" policy on pspd so that no one gets their feelings hurt if i don't send them birthday wishes. but i'll permit myself this time because i won't be seeing him.

i've been cooped up working on the YFC newletter all day, which is aggravating. i think i go nutts like this when i'm bored with what i'm doing. all in all, i'm quite happy. i just wish i'd been able to use my afternoon doing something else. i need to defrag my brain. i'm glad i'm going to see the girls tonight. i'm longing to get this current knitting project done. don't know what i'll knit next, but i really want to use this one. i think i'll have to really dedicate some time to finishing it. hopefully i'll make a big dent in it this eve.

sometimes i just need a distraction or else i get entangled in my vices.

i wish someone would send me an interesting email.

you still
captivate me,
fascinate me.

miłosz

i love how melinda can tell when i'm bored. sometimes it can be annoying when i'm trying to hide it, but its an interesting thing for her to notice.

i love how insane being a girl can be.

today when i was helping melinda move she gave me a bunch of stuff to store at my house while she's away. i'm pretty happy about that because i've been feeling my place was lacking a lot of the details that make a house feel homey. one thing i really need is a surface rug. i'm all about the surface rugs and my living room really needs one. finding a spot for all her magazines forced me to get more organized. things i've been delaying doing finally got done. i was going to start setting up my room a little more, its been left in its semi finished state for too long. but then vinc' came online and that was my first chance to talk to him since he got back from northern quebec. so needless to say... nothing in my room got done. i think doing my housework has left me sneezy.

i have to admit, my one drawing a day routine has slipped. i hope to get back on course. maybe not every day, but several times a week. here's another confession for you, my musical guilty-pleasure is "escape" by enrique iglesias. i know, its strange. everything about me tells me NOT to like that song, but its just so dancy i can't help it.

this is a funny time of year. people coming, people going. odd.

well i'm going to get going myself. to my surface rugless living room that is. i need to do somemore knitting, i'm anxious to finish my current project. tootles!

like ice cream too close to the playground
i'm no good for you but you still want me around

recumbent bicycle

i'm in love.

i'm in love with my new pants. they ARE my ideal jeans. they're dark silvers with huge bells. awwww, i love bells ;) you have no idea how ecstatic i am right now. i got them at value village if you can believe that! and they're totally the right size, clearly it was predestined.

sometimes i laugh at inappropriate moments. this can sometimes cause me to feel like a huge jackass. today dave was saying that sometimes he makes good decisions and sometimes he makes bad decisions. then proceeded to tell me about these stocks that he bought that became very valuable. i said to him "i thought this was a story about bad decisions you've made!" and he said "no, i don't talk about michelle..." i laughed (he was serious, but that's not the worst of it). later i said "so, do you ever see this michelle around town?" and he said "no, she's dead". at this i laughed hysterically. hahahahahaa. i tried not to, he looked sort of sad. to make things worse, i think she commit suicide, although he didn't say explicitly. i tried to compose myself, but i know i was still laughing with my eyes. i'm not laughing at the situation or at the girl (i say girl because i think this was the 24 year old he lived with while he was in his mid-50s), but at the awkwardness and at the outrageousness of the situation. my sister told me once "you're obsessed with david ferrence", that's not the case, he just provides a lot of material.

i used to regularly read knickers's economist magazine at work. it made me really in the know AND it made me sound very clever when in conversation i'd say "i was reading in the economist..." but then she cancelled it to save money and since then i've been totally in the dark about world events. however, recently i've started perusing google news each day. you may have noticed with my obsession with pluto. its interesting, i'm glad i've developed this habit. i like being current, and it makes me able to debate better when debating is called for.

i'm going to the screening room with my dad tonight. i find that funny. i WAS going to go alone, but he just dropped by and i mentioned i was going and invited him along. we're seeing an inconvenient truth: starring al gore. funny. i think this is a dad and les kind of movie. we're a lot alike in our ability to absorb facts on things we would otherwise have no formal basis for our opinions.

do i run rare?

deductions

fits and starts. fits and starts. both this blog entry and the desires of my heart. they come and go, in fits and starts. i suppose you're not really living if you don't have wants. part of me is afraid that my hopes are dying inside me.

i find myself wondering whether its true if you have to convince yourself you don't care.

this is eating me slowly. extremely slowly. its outside of my control, the ironic thing is that this is no more out of my control than any other circumstance i've found myself in. this one is just so much harder to take than the ones that just naturally went in my favour.

i found the stinky thing in my kitchen. gross. i was searching around, prepared to find a dead carcass of some kind (that's how bad it smelled), when i discovered a rotten onion in my pack of onions. disgusting! it was rotten to the full extent of the word, worms and magots included. now, you have got to understand my aversion to worms and such. this has left me disturbed to the greatest degree. i lost my appetite. and considered not including this in my entry because its so barfy. but alas i have.

my car was ransacked in the night. i find this amazing because just last night as i got home i concluded i couldn't be bothered to lock the doors "what's the chances of someone riffling through it. there's nothing of value in it. anything worth taking was stolen last time my car was broken into". and funnily enough when i got in my batmobile this morning my glove compartment was emptied onto my seat and floor and everything from under my seat was dishevelled. the strangest thing is that they left some kind of wooden stick, well its not so much a stick as it is a wooden rod. i thought to myself "i don't think that was in here before, but maybe it was" *shrug*. part of me feels i need to burn it because who knows where its been.

i discovered this morning how much i like ironing. its really relaxing. its things like that, that make me think "if i was a housewife, i'd really enjoy ironing", but then i realize that if my life's work was ironing i'd get pretty sick of it. i suppose i'll just have to make ironing a priority, because i also really like how my clothes feel when they've been pressed. fancy that!

sadly, pluto has been stripped of its planet status :(

we were galloping manic
to the mouth of the source.
we were swallowing panic
in the face of its force.

low toner/paper jam

dear friends and strangers:

i hope you're splendid, i am well.

i just had alison over for a visit. it was nice to see her as usual, but the interesting thing about this conversation is that it felt like the second part of a conversation we had before she left for hong kong. its like those 2 conversations bookend the summer. its amazing all that can happen over the course of 2 months.

well i'm totally elated. i've had a break-through on the living room front. its like the topic has been planted in my mind and is coming together nicely. now i'm getting excited!

there's something wrong with the world today and i don't know what it is... oops, sorry, didn't mean to break into aerosmith song there. there's something wrong with my eyes. they've been really itchy on and off throughout the day. its like its some kind of allergy, but i only have spring allergies. i did try to participate in the ragweed allergy study at kgh a number of years ago, but it turned out i wasn't allergic to ragweed. not even a little bit! i wonder... could it be? have i developed a ragweed allergy?? here's hoping. its worth 500 bucks!

there's something smelly in my kitchen and i can't find it. its really annoying. i just get little whiffs of it from time to time. its not the garbage. its not the fridge. its not below the sink. i think it might be down the drain. i DID have to plung the sink the other day because the water wasn't draining properly.

i'm feeling a little hungry. alison and i had some of my coloured popcorn. they really are the smallest kernels i've ever seen. hmm, why is colonel pronounced kernel? so confusing! its like we're pretending there's an R in that word when really there isn't. well i'm not being fooled! you've got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull the wool over my eyes!

let me feel your breath,
let me know you're here with me.

lightblub

i was crabby today. i knew last week when everything was shining-happy that it wasn't going to last. that's ok, its a part of life, but disappointing nonetheless.

i wish i was a better coper – that i coped better. i was in a bit of a panic today about living room. i'm sure it will go alright, but we still haven't come to any solid decisions on what topics to study and so on, and by this time last year that was decided. but alas, i'm sure its just compounded by my natural reaction to freak out. i like to be organized, it helps me cope better. so to calm myself down i wrote out a list. oh, i should interject here, partly why i was panicking is because i thought living room was starting in 4 weeks, but i was wrong its 5 weeks, that made a big difference. anyway, me and lists, we get along.

dave told me today that he saw a comic strip with a man wearing a t-shirt that said "i'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body" and we agreed it was less funny now that one of our co-workers is actually claiming that and is getting a sex change. oddly enough, that's so ironic that i find THAT funny.

today is joy and tim's 8th wedding anniversary. hard to imagine that it's been 8 years. looking at this picture, tim looks the most different. he's grown a goatee, he grew it so that he wouldn't look so young. he was 23, joy was 21 and i was 18.


sometimes i wish i was funnier.

i want to do is just sit here,
and write it all down and rest for a while.

wigg

i'm a sleepy girl. i'd like to be IN bed by 10:30. we'll see how that goes. i'm going to have to kick my own ass in order to meet that goal.

ok so have i told you about my neighbours? well they've started sleeping with their curtains open, so each morning as i leave for work i come out my front door and am face with this open window where they sleep nude. my one friend pointed out "at least they're not having morning sex", which is something i appreciate, but i do live in fear of that inevitable event. way to traumatize me in the morning.

aside from being sleepy, i'm doing all right. melissa came by tonight and i scanned some photos for her. it was nice having her here, sitting around on my bed as i cleaned up her photos.

i got a new toothbrush today, there's something great about brushing your teeth with a brand new brush :D

i'm breaking out in zits like a 14-year-old boy. its terrible!!

beckie sent me a link to this website. i immediately recognized the artwork, they've shown some of the drawings at next before. i like this one. some of them are cute, some of them are mind-bending and others are creepy. i like being surprised when art is put in context by words.

lately i feel very pensive. sometimes its annoying.

i see plenty of clothes that i like,
but i won't go anywhere nice for a while.

laliberté

my heart sings.

gardner expressway

i'm so tired. i just got in the door from hamilton. i went to this "learning party" with brandon and garry. well, they're the guys i went with from next, but we hooked up with kim reid from montreal and jared of next fame. it was fun. i had a good time and learned a lot. however, i'm NOT going to talk about it. i've been talking nonstop for 24 hours, we were spent, by 12 noon we'd pretty much absorbed everything we could. however, let me share with you a few tid-bits of my weekend.
1) i was not registered. al was. i was his fill in. i can say, i was proud to wear the doseger name. al is a cool guy, i don't mind filling his shoes for one day. plus, i got a kick out of it.
2) i would like to learn to cook some kind of couscous salad.
3) i've never heard the term "post-modern" so many times ever, much less within a 24 hour period. hmm, i wonder what the actual defintion is? post-modern: of or relating to art, architecture, or literature that reacts against earlier modernist principles, as by reintroducing traditional or classical elements of style or by carrying modernist styles or practices to extremes.
4) i have never seen so many religious tattoos. this is kind of vague, basically guys had doves, crosses, the face of jesus, the entire gospel story tattooed on their body. it was pretty cool. in part because tattoos have only just started to become more acceptable within the church community. and the fact that its combined with their actual faith. AND that they're THAT committed that they permify it on their person (yes, i realize permify is not a word).
5) growing older doesn't have to mean selling out, giving up, or becoming the status quo.
6) mermaid mugs in the morning can be a little awkward.
7) never trust a men until he marries you (this was advise given to me).
8) bare-ing all makes life so much easier because there's nothing to hide – everyone already knows!
9) spice food actually makes my lips go so red that i look like i'm wearing lipstick.
10) pomegranate pear juice tastes like candy. yummy.
11) my grandpa (on my dad's side) was from hamilton. now i've actually been there. i didn't mind it, sure it was a little shabby, but rent and real-estate is so cheap who cares!

we try but we didn't belong.

chilly

are you aware of the current controversy about whether pluto should be stripped of its "planet status"? what are your thoughts?

talk amongst yourselves. i'm going to guleph.

these open doors

...............................................................................

ok, let me go first...
i have always considered pluto my favourite planet. if you were to ask me "les, what's your favourite planet?" i would say pluto without hesitation. this is probably because it always seemed like the odd one out. the little weirdo planet that couldn't. seriously, it's so mysterious, being the only rock planet on the far side of all the gas planets. this being said, i DO agree with the side arguing that it should no longer be considered a planet. i have no nostaligic feelings swaying me towards keeping it a planet, it seems pretty obviously they were wrong to classify it as a planet in the first place. i'm not one to say "oh come on, just let it be a planet. its always been one. lets not change the rules of the universe".

so basically, that's how i would cast my vote if there was a vote on such things.

peel

*sigh* i'm feeling stressed which is weird and i don't like it. i've had such a chilaxed week (wha-ha, i can't believe i used that word!), only to get overwhelmed at the end. i would have liked to have this evening as a nice mellow bum-out time, but its turned into a rush, rush, pressure-filled evening. oh well. maybe i'll keep this short, its not like i haven't spend loads of time today typing our my feelings and thoughts on this, that and the other thing.

i think my kat, fru-fru, has lost lots of weight. i'm a little concerned about him. those of you who know him, are aware of the fact that he's a LARGE male kat. but he's looking rather slight. he's gone from having no waist to me seeing his ribs. i've heard before that animals don't eat when they're home alone. and i remember when we had dogs they'd often eat when we ate. maybe i should but his food in the kitchen, that might help. his size right now is more normal, but i'm worried he'll just get thinner and thinner. he has been acting strange lately. but he's only 3 years old!

i was thinking about how i'm going on a road trip with garry and brandon tomorrow. i've known garry since i was about 7 and know his whole family. i went to highschool with brandon's siblings and cousins. that's funny. i hope its goes well, and that its time well spent.

i have to admit, i'm a little disappointed with tonight's drawing :( but i suppose having 3 nice drawings out of 4 is good results. its just a little aesthetically unpleasing.

i wonder how long it will take to shake this weird feeling. i hope it will disperse quickly, i've had a really nice relaxing week, its hate it to taint my good week.

people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

oreo

dave ferrence and i have been having a debate about communism over the past few days. it largely focuses on whether cuba is truly communist or repressed under a dictator. i remember growing up watching amercian television being fed that communisum is bad, and often hearing the term "commy" being used as a derogatory term. but the more i've learned, the more i think i'm a communist deep down inside. as we talked today dave told he that he once knew a communist and this fellow reminded him of a "... what's that name... evangelical christian" i said "i'm an evangelical christian", "oh" he said and kept talking about how similar christianity is to communism. i agreed and told him how i think that's why i'm secretly a communist deep down.

now... back to the "i'm an evangelical christian" comment. i have to admit, i hate the response i get from people when i tell them that. there's such a negative stigma around it. i think that's too bad. partly because i just see myself as a regular person who believes in God. anyway, its interesting that i find it such an awkward thing to tell a person because when they know that about me its a bit of a relief! i feel like "there, that's out of the bag. now i can be myself". i think of my friend who on the first time we hung out she told me point blank "i'm an atheist" i've often thought of that and wondered why she felt a need to tell me that, but its probably the same for her, she feels more herself when people understand that about her.

my mom once dated a communist. this intrigued me. in part because i'm always curious about my mom's life before me and my sister, but also because i didn't know much about communism back then (and still don't quite frankly, just the main theory behind it). when i asked her what he was like, she said "well, he had a beard..." and that's really all she told me. hahahaha, that's so funny. my mom really likes facial hair, and long hair actually. sarah told me recently that the older women get the hairier they like their men. i believe that. i like a good scum-beard.

i love how communism lead to scum-beards in this entry. but why shouldn't it?

there's a mysterious bike that's been abandoned outside my house.

lead me to water lord, I sure am thirsty.

weather & worn

well i just completed today's drawing. last night i drew a ribbon from a picture in a magazine. it looks quite nice! tonight i drew my sunglasses on top of my pencil box. i'm pleased with it too, although my unsettled by the fore-shortening on the right-side...

something has come to my attention... not everyone shares my enjoyment of bathroom humour. not everyone appreciates a good potty-joke. i'm kind of surprised by this, but i'm kind of glad for this revelation! joy and i have always been keen on fart jokes, but i suppose not everyone's as crude as we are. my mom has no idea where we got this from being a rather polite british woman herself. but i appologize if i've offended any of you. i'll try to be sensitive without censoring myself. if that's possible, it sounds a little like a contradiction.

i like having a tidy and clean house. its easier to keep tidy and clean.

i got a really funny postcard in the mail today from alison, along with one of those delivery notices. i NEVER get those, so i was tickled and headed over to the post-office asap. it was my passport!! that only took a week and a half!! good news for melinda – getting going on your passport app... i heart postcards :)

day two of my hibernation is going pleasantly. i think i'll go have some watermelon and watch sex & the city. i have cable but i'm never home to watch it, makes me wonder why i have it.

do you ever wonder about what i DON'T say on pspd?

this was unlike the story,
it was written to be.

teabag

ahhhh. its good.

i've spent the evening doing chores. it was nice. it was relaxing. i purposefully stayed of msn because i just felt like having some time to myself. i got everything done. i'm satisfied in my accomplishments. i got my menu for the week all done and grocery shopped accordingly. i kind of like this new routine i have. grocery shop on mondays. hmm, that's about it, grocery shopping on monday is my new routine apparently. admittedly my fridge is just about completely bare, but it is just me and i'm not known for a big appetite.

i've had this terrifying thought, that i've lost the ability to draw. i've become so digital that traditional drawing has become obsolete. that's a really scary thought. so i've decided to make time to draw every day. even just small things, but i have to finish it because i have this bad habit of not liking how something looks and then just quit. that's how i got myself into this predicament. and logically speaking, if i want to make some paintings for my walls i'm going to have to practise. you can't go from chopsticks to mozart in one big leap. so that's my plan. i've just got to find something to draw, i'll probably look through a magazine or else i'll just find myself looking around my house and end up drawing the round speakers of my imac or a mug – BORING! i'm going to take another drawing course when i get home from kenya, when i'm less poor.

i'm hibernating in my house a little this week. people are welcome to visit, but i just need some time at home. i've been out way too much lately. and now my place is clean so i'm not ashamed to have people over. yay!

and all that I've got,
and all that I need,
i tie in a knot
and i lay at your feet.

pillow

i think i have a new goal and ambition. i would like to rent a house on wolfe island for a year. just a year i think. it would be an interesting experience, however, i don't think i could live at the mercy of the ferry for longer than a year. i suspect i'll live on the island around the same time i buy a vespa. so i'd wager around 34. this makes me wonder... when will i have children? hmm, maybe kids won't fit with my lifestyle. but ultimately i think its better not to plan for something that's out of your control anyway. so as it stands those are my two long term goals.

i just got home from rhonda's where i talked her ear off for a couple of hours. i was jumping topics and thoughts like some crazy topic jumper. i felt bad for the motor of my mouth, but i kind of feel better having talked so much. there was nothing inparticular that i needed to get off my chest, maybe it was just different events and thoughts compounding in my brain that i needed to debrief on in order to make room for more stuff.

garry asked me today "so lesley, how are you?" in the most serious of ways, showing real concern. it was disconcerting, i said "i'm doing really well!" but inside my head i was thinking "why, what has he heard? is there some reason why i shouldn't be doing well?" he explained i have a lot on the go, that's all. i suppose that's true, but its all good stuff. i really can't complain, and if you hear me complaining you can tell me to shut up!

i like what al was saying today about how you can't hid things inside because they'll eventually come out. i find that very true. what's on my mind comes out of my mouth no matter how nonchalantly it exits.

never leave me paralyzed.

outhouse

i just got home from the wolfe island music festival. i literary just walked in the door. i had zero emails, and no visits to pspd in the last hour. its interesting how the number of visits drop on weekends. i won't take it personally...

anyway, i had a really great time at the festival. we missed the ferry so didn't arrive until 6:30, but alas, we missed it last time too, so its apparently a part of the wolfe island festival experience. i knew a lot of people there, but funnily enough hardly anyone knew me. i've noticed this, i know a lot of people thru melinda and irina, hearing stories of so-and-so and whats-his-face. i like it, but that's because i'm nosey.

my favourite band of the night was holy f@!k. they're amazing. excellent live, lots of energy. the lead singer reminds me of jordan catalano for some odd reason. hmmm, i wonder who'll remember who jordan catalano is (other than melinda). well anyway, they were awesome. my second fave was the hidden cameras and my third fave were the constantines.

it was a pretty relaxing time. i knited and we ate peanuts. couple things i'd like to remember for next year... bring mitts and an extra blanket for when it gets cold at night. plus, bring some munchies, plus bring a sandwich. there, there's my list.

i bought me a t-shirt, i don't like this years as much as last years, but its still cool. stephan pointed out that i wear a lot of blue, and ironically my new tee is also blue, but baby-blue. but he has a good point, i think i'd like to start wearing more green. green IS my favourite colour, but its also more earthy, more natural, more organic. so there's another mental note: buy more green clothes.

well i picked up my ticket to kenya today. its official! i leave october 9th and return on october 22nd, but i don't arrive here until october 23. hmmm, i need a lift, can anyone drive me to T.O. on thanksgiving? and can someone else pick me up on the 23? i COULD drive and park at my uncle's place in scarberia, but after traveling for over 24 hours i have a feeling driving 2.5 hours may be detrimental.

why do they have to be spaceships?
i'd prefer it if they were spaceboats.

fico

it hit me last night that i'm turning 27 this year. i'm freaked out about it. i realize that to some of you 27 seems still young, but its all a matter of perspective, and right now 27 is older than i am currently. and to be completely honest i thought i'd probably be getting married at 27. now keep in mind, i'm really happy right now and i don't even want a boyfriend much less to be geting hitched. however, i still feel slightly disappointed that things have not unfolded as i expected. i find myself bracing myself saying "you'll still be single this time next year. don't get into that mode of thinking 'maybe by the time i'm 29...' because that's just setting yourself up to feel like a failure". granted things can change quite rapidly, i didn't expect to meet vinc', that was pretty sudden, but that's not the norm. i hate hearing my mom say stuff like "when you settle down" because it feeds the idea that i'm not settled, when i am in fact QUITE settled – at least as settled as i want to be. yesterday garry said to me "how are you?" and i told him "i'm very well. i'm very happy, things are great. i have a lot of really wonderful people in my life". and its true. ok that's enough about that. i'll keep mulling that over in my head. one thing i know is i feel fabulous. i'm confident in who i am and who i will be. there's nothing wrong with me. i'm proud of how far i've come.

today we all had to leave the office at 4 because the power was being cut for some on-site work. we were told to take everything out of the fridges or they'd be bad by monday. marilyn let me have 2 blocks of icecream. hmm, maybe i'll go have some right now.

knickers is always saying "absolute power corrupts absolutely". that came to mind this evening when i saw the lost city at the screening room with the girls.

don't wake me i plan on sleeping in.

zucchini

well i'm a happy girdle. ah, how inside jokes are lost on the general public...
quick explanation: my sister tried to imitate my mom's scotish accent when we were teenagers and girl came out as girdle and it stuck.

ok so i just got home from the goat (again) where i had a meeting with brandon and garry about living room. it was fun and thought provoking. i'm very encouraged to find we're all on the same page, aligned like a pack of hotdogs. good stuff. they invited me a long on a road trip with them to hamilton next weekend to a seminar about alternative church/church plants. i think i might go, aside for my negative feelings about church plants it would be a good experience.

i have this thing about me, that i like to be in "the know". i'm not sure if i'm just plain nosey or if its something else – endearing interest, a curious way or an adverturous heart, i can't be certain. there's a fine line.

i was thinking today, there's something about being frugal that's good for the soul. purging yourself of everything but the necessities. that's interesting coming from a person who goes to her friends house for the evening and checked her email twice. regardless, i feel like i'm becoming more organized and less fragmented. i dunno, in some ways i feel restricted, but there's freedom within limitations. i'm not sure if i can explain it, but for example: my meals have been simple yet enjoyable. being frivolous is unfulfilling.

i wanted a message specifically for you.
you are upside-down.

life is very ironic. i've been wanting to buy rhonda a picnic table for about 3 months now as a housewarming gift. i kept putting it off and when i finally got around to it i was told they were out of season. i felt terrible! so today i got an email from her telling me that a tree (or very large branch) fell in her backyard, and as irony would have it, if i'd gotten her a picnic table it would have been completely destroyed by the tree. funny huh? life is strange.

you were here, you were here, and you were here.
don't look back.

autobike

i met meghan at the goat tonight. it was really nice to spend time with her, she's been away for 3 months. one of the things i love about harrison is that we have similar (if not the same) delusions of grandeur. its great.

she put me straight this evening. got my priorities back in place. and really confirmed that i'd made the right decision.

another thing i love about harrison is that she understands that 'funk' is very important to me. that was a given, without me even having to explain it to her. which is nice. i liked it because she reminded me WHY its important to me, and that i shouldn't feel bad about that. i can't explain why. what IS funk anyway?? hmmm, DICTIONARY! funk doesn't have an accurate definition, so let's go with funky... funk•y: modern and stylish in an unconventional or striking way.hmmm, interesting. i wonder if i fit the bill?

man, meghan is hilarious.

who get's their own brand of shoe?? really...

i'm getting pretty psyched about the wolfe island music festival on saturday. melinda and i went with chelsea a couple years ago and it was a lot of fun. there's a good line-up and it'll be fun because its going to be the social event of the month, hordes of people i know (both directly and indirectly) are going to be there. i'm a people watcher so i like stuff like that. not everyone shares my enthusiasm for people watching.

crap, i really wanted to go to bed early tonight but i was working on the standard and so on. maybe i'll get a decent nights sleep on monday... hmmmm.

you remind me
of that leak
in my soul.

brook burke

i've been thinking about something that melissa said yesterday. (i don't mean to bring it up again lissa, i know you feel bad, but i'm making a point) she said she didn't think we'd become such good friends when we first met. not that she disliked me but she didn't think we'd have anything in common. she said i seemed like a "funky, graphic designer gal". i find this funny because other people have said that kind of thing about me before, the main person who comes to mind is my friend bonnie – my old housemate. she thought i was a real "coolio" with my sunflower seeds, tie-dyed shirt and blue bag. now i have a super fun time with bonnie, there's something about her that makes me laugh so hard that my face hurts. however, we do have NOTHING in common. i'm intrigued by this, how is it that people who seemingly have nothing in common can be great friends? like melissa and i for example? i couldn't see people 'setting us up', like "i know this great girl you'd really hit it off with! you'd really make great friends" and yet there are people who "on paper" you'd think i'd have lots in common with and make great friends with, and yet sometimes those friendships don't work out. i suppose its the same for dating, but i'm thinking mostly about friends right now. i like it, its a pleasant surprise. i think it's partly a personality compatibility, and sometimes a stage of life thing. i really admire my friends who are different than me, sometimes its because they have qualities i'd like to have. diversity is the spice of life.

i like grapes.

this entry has taken over an hour which is weird because its not very long.

i think it's strange you never knew.

picton

it was a beautiful day at sandbanks today. i had so much fun!!


i went with melissa, landy and tim, but we were there for about 10 or 15 minutes when jason erb came walking down the beach! what are the chances?!? so we had the wonderful company of the erbs as well!!

there were huge waves the whole time, so much fun! it was neat because we'd have to jump along with them or else be semi-drowned. i swear they were at least 9 feet tall. poor laney kept being sloshed in the face by the waves, that's not as fun, but we did come up with a namesake verb – if you got a wave in the face then you'd been "laney-ed".

i would have to say... i was one of about 3 women on that beach with a one piece swimsuit on!! wow, it was very interesting. i need to get me a tanktini, but its gonna hafta wait til next summer.

melissa and i were pleasantly surprised by the large quantity of attractive young men around. its very unusual to see them in masses like that, and we did literary have them on both sides. we were continuously amused by the one guy wearing the leopard print speedo – presumably on a dare – it was pretty funny.

i've developed quite the sunburn. i applied sunscreen twice!! it always takes a couple of hours to show up. oh well. i guess i missed my shoulders and back the second time. i'll need to be more careful in the future.

thou my best thought, by day or by night,
waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

three zero four

hmmmm. once again i have things on my mind but i don't know where to start.

i'm experiencing some interesting changes in my life. perhaps not changes, its more like waves of fresh water.

i had a really good conversation with mike gowing today on msn. it was interesting because i'm not sure if we've ever talked like that before. he's in bolivia right now, and he was saying that he heard recently that talking is only 30% of communication, the rest is body language. very interesting. i think i'm going to take mental note of that and become more aware of people's body language. what are they saying non-orally?

part of me is secretly delighted by the messy state of my house. but that's because i haven't had any guests the last few days. if i did i'd be mortified. i wonder why i'm delighted? perhaps because i like the freedom of having a messy place and not feeling guilty because there's no one else here to be bothered by it.

i joined the forbes' and melissa for lunch today. we had ice cream and cookies and cherries for dessert. it was sooooo yummy delicious.

i want to take the breath that's true.

pregnant

man, my thought waves have been pretty random lately. and i feel the obscurity of pspd has increased. i can't help it, its how i feel like expressing myself.

today i dyed my hair. with beckie's help. i left it on for like an hour. it wasn't exactly intentional we just got talking and i didn't bother washing it out. it was dry by the time i actually rinsed it out.
you probably can't tell in that picture but oh well. photos always appear darker on pc monitors. man, i look like my sister in that picture.

there are thoughts, thoughts in my head. i wish i could formulate them into words.

you know what? there are 3 times a year when people reflect on life. new years/birthdays (my birthday is right before new years so they coincide into one event – maybe for you its different), the spring and the fall. now this may seem odd to you, but its true. in the spring we face the ending of things. we think and reflect on how things have gone, etc. in the fall we reflect thinking about what's to come. beckie is leaving town. so is melinda. its the fall. it does funny things. as i see changes all around (rustle starting, friends leaving. friends returning) i wonder how things will evolve. what new friends will replace the void left by other friends. what friendships will develope and which ones will fade. its interesting and scary. i'm kind of excited. although bummed about losing my friends in my neighbourhood.

i wish i wasn't a messy person. its annoying. i like cleanliness, so why can't i keep my place clean? i can't understand myself. i wonder if i'll ever meet someone who does. even my family doesn't and they've known me my whole life.

i wouldn't mind but you are my only hope.

jinx

i have good news!! i am now bombardier's newest INTERMEDIATE graphic designer. my promotion went through today and it goes into effect as of monday! hurray!! i'm excited, so excited that i almost hugged knickers, but then i didn't. i got a raise too, not quite as much as i'd hoped but not too bad either. thankfully, i've finally cleared my wages from kgh. to me, i was never making good money until i made more than i did cleaning toilets at the hospital. i got some reese's peanut butter cups in celebration.

today i ate fish with a spoon.

i had a lovely evening. laney, melissa and pussy kat came by and we went for a walk. we ended up at the forbes's were the girls baked cookies (bakies?) and then we played around with lissa's new macbook. it was nerdtastic! when beckie arrived i realized that we were ALL mac users. it was rad :)

i love a nice summer's breeze. its my favourite thing about summer. i remember talking to who i thought was melinda on msn last year telling her about my new nightie and the breeze coming thru the window, but it turned out to be melinda's cousin christian. she said he still goes on about me and my nightie to this day. how embarrassing...

oh when the girls and tim arrived earlier tonight fru was on the balcony and he stepped over the railing and had his little paws on the other side like he was going to jump off to greet them. it freaked me out! they were like "wait! no, don't jump!! go back!!!" i like letting fru on the balcony, and i like hanging out with the patio door open, but i'm scared that he's an idiot.

i feel protected by something,
like I'm being led by the hand.

higher

well tonight i did a good deed! i helped rhonda prepare enough food for 100 people. its for "the gathering" that's taking place at next over the summer, providing a meal for less fortunate people. ugh, is that the right term? it sounds condensing. well anyways, it was fun and i'm proud of her for taking the initiative. she's like a mother thersea of our generation :) it was really funny because she made us wear hairnets, which is smart, but funny!

today i wore to work a skirt i've had altered. i bought it at christmas and i said it was a size 9-10. but it got too loose for me very quickly. it was dreadfully uncomfortable, but i really like the cut, its very boho. anyways, when i took it in, i mentioned to the lady that it was supposely a 9-10, and she laughed and said its more like a 14. isn't that weird?? frig, no wonder i was having problems. its so much more comfortable now.

rhonda's dropping of my cheque for me at my travel agent tomorrow. its the largest cheque i've ever written! wow.

so it was interesting, today i got two emails about knitting. one from alison and one from joanna. jo's was about this knitting blog. it reminded me of another website melissa showed me of this group of people that knit things for inanimate objects. its very amusing, i think i might pick up the cause. check it out!

maybe its just emotions invading my thoughts.

starshell

i have had a wonderful evening.

to start i went swimming at "leo lafleur public pool" across the street from my house. my next door neighbour, ruth, told me that it was free tonight because it was so hot (i guess when it gets close to 40 its free). so i told beckie via msn, and we met there. it was so refreshing and lovely. it made me feel so much better because i've been feeling like i haven't been getting much exercise and as a result haven't been very energized. but being in the water and treading water was just what i needed.

then sarah came over and it was so nice spending the evening talking to her. i love that she understands me so well, she's very similar to me, but she's also very astute. i hope her good words will sink in and i won't forget them when i'm feeling confused or full of self-doubt. i appreciate her level-headed perspective as she's not all emotionally tangled up. we popped ourselves some of my coloured popcorn and i must say, it was the most whitest, most purest, most smallest popcorn i have ever seen. and no it didn't taste different.

well i got my flight details for my trip to kenya. its about 24 hours of travel or more. very interesting, the longest travel time i've ever had was 17 hours, its pretty exciting. i'll be stopping over in amsterdam, where i've stopped once before, but the first time was for 2 hours, and this time its like 7 hours. oooh, i'm nervous but delighted.

today one of my print suppliers brought me in an apple pie. i find this funny because he's a sales guy and he KNOWS how far a simple gesture like that will take him. we were all like "ooh, he's our favourite printer...", we're total suckers. too funny. i find it amusing that i'm someone that somebody would need/like to suck up to.

ah, i'm feeling happy.

wow that's quite the storm outside my window.

although they say that life is always a bowl of cherries,
why can't it ? why can't it ? should i punish myself for it ?
oh no ...

toilet paper

hello?? is there anybody out there?

i've come to some conclusions... wanting makes us want more. let me explain this, i don't mean more as in increased quantity of stuff, and i don't mean we want what we can't have. but what i mean is the act of wanting increases the amount of our want. if the want got satisfied and we no longer want it, the want would end. but being left in a wanting state the want just escalates. i'm not sure if this is making any sense, its very possible that it made more sense in my brain.

the air was so thick today. it was heavy. and i loved it. i stood against the breeze letting my clothes cling to my body from both the wind and the heat. needless to say, my apartment is quite uncomfortably hot. however, i think my bedroom is the hotest room in the house because it only has one tiny window. and of course that's where i am at the present moment.

the empty chair makes me even more aware that i am alone. thank you for filling it.

i had a good day at work today. it was pleasantly busy. knickers was in good spirits and we teased each other endearingly. it was a little surprising to hear that my newest co-worker (who has been with the company 2 months) just gave her notice because she'd been offered a job elsewhere. i had to laugh, that's the way things go at BBD. its not bad, its just a strange work environment. marilyn and i continue have each other.

i'm doing well, just feeling a bit at loose ends. hardly anyone has been online lately, and i've been getting increased amounts of junk mail so it breeds false hope that people have emailed me. sometimes i wake up in the morning to 6 emails and 4 of them are spam. you know what i've noticed? subconsciously i think people scan their new emails and the name they select first indicates something. i don't know what, its different for everyone. but i find that very interesting. i know sometimes i secretly hope to see certain names among the new mail.

i want to send you a subliminal message.

i like it all that way.