safari

well... it's official. i'm done work for an entire year.

it's weird. it actually felt much weirder than i expected. yesterday i was SO ready to be done work, that i told b, shannon and scarlete that i hoped the baby would come so i could get out of going to work today. alas, that didn't happen. instead, emma said i could go when i was ready, so i left around 12:30 with little fanfare. everyone was still on lunch and there wasn't really anyone to say goodbye to that i hadn't already talked with. so penny helped me carry my things to the car and that was that.

as i drove away i felt weird. like i was forgetting something, or like part of my identity was being left behind. i tried telling myself that i should focus on the things to be thankful for and not mourn the loss of something familiar, and that worked pretty well. but interestingly enough, upon arriving home i continued to feel a little lost, and i needed to somehow take charge of this transition period. so i went to shoppers and bought myself a note book with blue lines, and a couple of new pens, then came home and turned it into a makeshift day-timer. i wrote all my handy contact numbers in the back just like my timer at work, and wrote out a to-do list in the front. this will be my mat leave organizer that will help me feel grounded or at least somewhat like my usual self. i realize i may not keep it current as time goes by, but for now, it's helping give me some peace of mind as i figure out this new situation. i do actually still have quite a lot to do, but now that it's on paper, it's off of my mind.

tonight b and i are staying at a local hotel in celebration of our anniversary. it really doesn't matter that it's in k-town. it will be relaxing and a little different, which exactly what we were looking for. plus, we don't have to travel or spend money on gas!

you can make it if you try.

excuse me!

you'd think i'd be used to it by now, but i cannot believe how swollen my feet are. it gets worse the later in the evening it is, but still!

i have one more day of work left. part of me wishes i'd go into labour tonight because i really don't want to have to work tomorrow. there's nothing left for me to do at this point and the day feels long. thankfully i had a midwife appointment this afternoon so i was able to leave early.

yesterday was my three year anniversary with b. wedding anniversary that is. we went out to the new seafood restaurant 'dianne's fish bar' to celebrate. it was great, except the fact that the couple beside us got into an argument and it was super awkward. and a piece of my baby tooth broke off (it was part of a re-enforcement that was applied years ago, and i think it had just reached it's end of life – that really had nothing to do with the restaurant). we really liked it, and i can say without a doubt, that the fish and chips i got was the best i've ever had.

afterwards, we came home and installed the carseat and assembled the crib. it's pretty cool having the crib set up. this crib once belonged to joelle, caleb, liam and erin. i like that it comes with that history. i also like that it's slightly retro and as such, it's really good quality. joy and tim got it second-hand from someone joy worked with, and it didn't come with instructions, but joy said to brendan "lesley is a puzzle person, she'll figure it out just fine". and she was right! it was pretty simple and whenever we'd come to a point that seemed unclear, i instinctively figured it out. it takes up all the remaining space in our bedroom, but it's not like we were using that space for anything important. it's just a little communal bedroom now :)

maybe you were the ocean, when i was just a stone.

compress

last night, b and i went on something of a scavenger hunt. we visited the homes of our family and collected various baby things they had set aside from us.

from nancy, we got a car-seat and cloth diapers
from joy, we got a crib and a play-pen
from meg, we got a little tub and baby bullet.

we're super fortunate to have received so many helpful things from family and friends. having a crib feels pretty crazy! it's still disassembled in the back of our car, but simply knowing we have a crib is sobering. it will feel very real when we have that crib in our room! the house is a total mess right now from all the supplies we collected and from the baby shower gifts we got on sunday. i'm hoping to make a solid dent tonight, or at least get organized. i like that the baby is going to share our bedroom, he's just a little baby after all. i can't imagine having him down the hall in the front bedroom. that feels too far away. i'm so looking forward to the weekend. it will be nice to have work finished and i can move forward with getting ready for birth and baby.

i really like that my nieces and nephews all used that crib, and it's now been passed on to us for our kids :)

this past saturday was skeleton park music festival. it was really great up until the point when it started raining. even then it wasn't bad, but it made it difficult to sit on the ground, and my legs and feet were getting tired, so i went home for a rest. but while i was there soaking my feet, it started raining more heavily and they had to pack up the show for the sake of the sound equipment. they did relocate to the goat and played a street concert on princess, but it wasn't quite the same as the park. i love lying around in the park all day surrounded by friends, strangers, neighbours, kids of all ages. there's never any place i'd rather be, which probably explained my disappointment of having to relocate because even the best alternatives pale in comparison to the atmosphere in the park. i guess i'll just look forward to next year's show with great enthusiasm.

cause everything will start again anew.

homely

this coming wednesday will be our third wedding anniversary. and yet, this evening we went thru all our wedding photos and sent them off to be printed. so in a week's time, they should arrive in the mail and we just have to pop them into the album we bought three years ago in cambodia. in the end, we're very pleased with the outcome. it's a nice mix of photos, and it tells a nice story of our wedding day.

tomorrow i start my last week of work! i can't wait til saturday, when i can stop having to decide on what would be comfortable, climate controlled and businessy. most of the time at home, i just wear a sports bra and underwear.

our moms threw us a baby shower this afternoon. or should i say 'me' because b wasn't invited. the funny thing about it is that no one told me where it was going to be, so i showed up at the wrong place! seems like a funny detail to overlook, but it worked out fine. i'm not sure if you're familiar with the photo of brendan wearing the infamous sailor suit. well... nancy has saved it all these years, and she gave it to me today at the shower! it's actually really large (the label says 24 months), but b was about 6 months old in this pic! yikes!

well i'm going to head to bed. my feet are swollen, so i'm going to put them up.

the days go by like a strand in the wind.

moldy

brendan and i have been going to the movies once every weekend. our idea was to take advantage of our freedom/flexibility while we can. it's become a fun little weekly tradition that i think we'll look back on fondly.

so far we've seen...
42

star trek

iron man
the internship

this is the end

and tonight we saw world war z. b was given the book for christmas and we've both read it since then. we both liked the movie. it's a good companion piece to the book. almost like a prequel.

next week we'll probably see man of steel.

when we came out of the theatre tonight, it was still light out, like it was 7:00. it was weird, but i suppose it makes sense, since today is the longest day of the year.

i'm so glad it's the weekend. my feet are mega swollen, and i think it's because i haven't had a chance to just recline with my feet up. sleeping has been a little better lately, so that's good.

the stars are shining
far too old
for me to understand.

hectic?

there's something strange going on with the food in our house.

1) avocados are taking more than a week to ripen. even when they look nice and dark, they're still hard. i learned a trick a few years ago that if you put an avocado in a brown bag overnight, it will be ripe by morning. even when i left an avocado in a paper bag for several days, it was still not ripe!

2) milk has been going bad very quickly (so in this case, it's the opposite of the avocado problem). i bought milk YESTERDAY and when i poured it on my cereal this morning it was just yellow water and curds. gross.

AND our kitchen smells like rotting food and i can't figure out where the smell is coming from. unpleasant.

oddly enough, it seems like my nesting instincts are dissipating. i've been spending tuesday evenings doing chores, and thoroughly enjoying it, but my motivation seems decreased. i'd LIKE our house to be tidy, but can't muster energy/desire to accomplish it.

thankfully, i slept better last night and felt much better in general today. my mom told me to put a pillow under my belly, and that added support seems to have taken strain off my shoulders, ribs and hips. that said, i'm now sleeping with 4 pillows (1 for head, 2 stacked pillows for feet, and 1 for belly).

keep your head up, keep your heart strong.

crusty

i'm 36 weeks pregnant and i have to say i'm starting to get really uncomfortable. my back aches, my front aches, i slept terribly, my hands are swollen, he feels super heavy in my abdomen. thankfully, i was intentional all weekend to keep my feet raised, and it seems i've managed to get the swelling down. which is good because even my toes were swelling. i really want to get my hand-swelling down. i get freaked when my wedding ring is stuck on my hand because it's titanium and it can't be cut off if that became necessary.

b was telling me yesterday that he'd read something about how i'm not supposed to sleep on my back because of this one important vein that supplies the placenta. so now i'm sleeping on either my right or left side - rotating between them throughout the night. i'm naturally a back and stomach sleeper, and i don't like HAVING to sleep on my side because it hurts my hips, ribs and a whole bunch of muscles.

i have two weeks left of work, four weeks left til my due date, and six weeks left til they won't let me be pregnant anymore. ugh. the thought of another six weeks is unpleasant. as soon as i'm done work on june 28, i'm going to start induction (spicy foods, lots of walking, etc) techniques to get this show on the road.

all the wonders that remain.

//

scrolling through facebook and postsecret today, i was struck by the clear dichotomy between them. facebook was full of warm messages about father's day, while postsecret was checked with different experiences and a broad range of messages. i find that i'm drawn more to the story told by postsecret, feeling a little that those on facebook with happy messages are either the minority, or that they're only sharing rose-coloured realities (maybe that's typical of facebook). in my observations, the majority of people have a very complex relationship with their fathers. if not the majority, at least a LOT of people.

thinking back over 30+ years of father's days, i'd have to say my feelings about this celebration of dads has been all over the board. thankfully, at this point, i feel quite healthy and well-adjusted, which is interesting because i know i've written father's day blog posts in the past from a very different perspective.

today, i can look back and see that my past hurts and emotional baggage were the direct result of circumstances, rather than my dad himself. so i can genuinely thank him and love him and wish him a happy father's day. that said, i'll keep my cards close to my chest and won't be posting soemthing shiny-happy on facebook about him. instead, i can scroll through postsecret and fully appreciate the broad range of emotions expressed there. i dunno, i kind of feel like the most honest approach to father's day is on that says "he's not perfect, but i love him anyways". heck, that's probably the best approach to mother's day too (many folks who don't have issues with their dad have issues with their moms).

one new experience for me though, is having peers and friends who are wishing their husbands/partners a happy father's day. and i'm encouraged to see that the young dads i know are good men, many in spite of the father's they've experienced. maybe things are changing. we can only hope, right? i'll hope that pattens of behaviour can be broken, and new generations will grow up to tell a new story.

pretend that love could help you find your way

hoods

yesterday was brendan's graduation day. it was at the k-rock centre, which meant he could invite as many people as he wanted. so in addition to me, his mom and gerry, my parents, joy and tim, and the kids came. they'd said it would be 3 hours, but it (thankfully) ended up being only 2 hours. even so, everyone else in our family left after b had accepted his diploma. that was fine though. it was an ok ceremony, although, i feel too much time was taken up with speeches. to be fair, there was only three, but that was too much for me. i just like to get to the point (which is the same reason why i didn't want a wedding sermon or homily).

when the grads started pouring in, we all looked out for him (being the tall guy with the beard really made it easier to spot him). i was surprised to find that i got all teary-eyed when i saw him. i dunno, maybe it was the milestone, or maybe it was that he worked really hard to get there, or maybe it was realization of journey he set out on over two years ago (deciding to go, applying to go, and saving up all his tuition), or maybe it was just hormonal, but i was overwhelmed.

i'm looking forward to buying matching frames and hanging mine and his side by side. the college logo has changed, but other than that they're a matching set :)

trust me on the sunscreen…

sits

today i started training my replacement – penny.

things went pretty well, she's an enjoyable person to be around. the greatest challenge i have is explaining things a bit at a time instead of overexposing her to everything at once. i think she's doing well, and i'm glad she voices her confusion and asks questions. i think she'll do just fine.

the only problem i encountered today was that in late afternoon we'd received word that one of the posters i created recently had been printed with an error. as we looked into it, we discovered the error was on my part, and i felt like a jackass. although, in my defense, the printer should have recognized the problem before printing and either corrected it themselves or sent it back to me. in a lot of ways, penny is a much more experienced designer than me, and she asked all sorts of questions about "did you do this, did you do that?" and i was like "no, i just did it this way, which is how i always do it". we managed to trouble shoot the problem and send new files. i'm just crossing my fingers that it's not too late and they can reprint it with the new file. i kind of feel like this problem is a mixed blessing. i think it will increase her confidence, reassured that i make mistakes too. i just feel a little bit like a dummy. oh well.

this place is always such a mess.

spill

my legs are jerky and i'm super tired. BUT i don't have much time to write these days, so i'm going to take a few minutes now before heading to bed.

last night shannon and rachel (with the help of brendan) threw me a surprise belly blessing/baby shower. i was TOTALLY surprised, which is impressive because i usually pick up on little clues. brendan has never been able to trick me with anything before.

it was a really fun time, and i was overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness and love of the ladies in my life. they all wrote me blessings and words of encouragement, then tied them to mason jars with candles in them that we'll light around the house while i labour. rach and shannon wrote two lovely speeches, we played games, and ate birth/pregnancy/baby related snacks (ie... guacamole = baby poop). AND to top it all off, shannon and rach made a cake – a special cake of me giving birth to the baby. it was PRETTY CRAZY (in a great way). they clearly put a lot of effort into it and it was both hilarious AND tasty.

everyone pitched in towards buying us a 10-week trial of a local diaper service, which is SO AMAZING. we've been given so many hand-me-down things that there isn't a lot we need, but the diaper service will be such a huge help as we get used to baby, diapers, and our new routine. 

i was so wired afterwards from the surprise and excitement and love and fun, that i barely slept all night and kept b awake. haha.

we put it all together.

east

we saw our wee boy again today via ultrasound. he's head down just as he should be :) it only took her a second to determine that. then she spent some time doing measurements and took some new 3D pictures for us. she had a hard time getting a clear picture of his face because his feet were blocking the way. he was completely folded in half. she tried poking him several times to get him to move his feet, and at one point he made a little scowlly face as though he didn't like that at all. it was really funny. i like that he already seems to have a distinct personality. he's been consistently active in utero.

right now, at 35 weeks and 3 days, he weighs 6lbs 4 oz. he's likely to gain at least 2 pounds in the next 4.5 weeks. when i was talking to my co-worker today, she kept saying "well, he might be 7 pounds", but i think the only way that might happen is if he comes early. i was 8lbs 2 oz, so i always thought i'd have a baby in the 8lb range. it's 9+ pounds that freaks me out a little.

whenever joy had a baby, we placed bets (well... guesses really), on details around the birth. so we've got the chart going: birth date, weight, hair colour, eye colour, length of labour. my nieces and nephews both did a great job guessing. all of them (except liam who said 8 hours) guessed between an hour and two hours of labour. i suspect they guessed that because to them, an hour is a really long time. when i asked caleb how much he thought the baby would weigh, he said "two pounds", so i told him "oh buddy, he's already bigger than two pounds"). his second guess was 6 pounds, but as we now know, he's already bigger than that. brendan thought he'd be bald, but the ultrasound today indicated that he has hair. i suppose having an ultrasound so late in the game is a bit of a spoiler, but we were still happy to see him.

well! now that i've gone on and on about my baby, i hope i haven't bored you immensely.

keep your mind set, keep your hair long.

louis

it's been 15 years since i graduated highschool. and almost as long since i've seen most of my highschool friends. i'm not the best at keeping touch with old friends. as time has passed, the more comfortable i've gotten coming up with excuses to avoid getting together. and i do that because the longer it's been since we got together last, the more awkward it is. so really it's a vicious cycle.

anyways, a few weeks ago, i was invited to a bbq because my friend alastair was going to be in town. al is a really good guy, with a big heart and knack for telling good stories. so i really wanted to go. when i first mentioned it to be, he was somewhat dismissive, assuming that i'd find a way to get out of going. so weeks past, and i mentioned it again, and he was caught off guard like it was new news to him. i did manage to put him at ease, and he willingly came on saturday.

we had a really nice time. there were a few folks there who i didn't really know well back in my frontenac days, but my main closest friends were all there and we naturally gravitated to each other once again. once al got storytelling, we were all gripped and could have sat there listening to his adventures for ages.despite his initial reservations, b did very well with a crowd of people much older than him, almost all of whom have kids now. i was proud of b for his quick wit and personable nature.

suddenly, mingling with old friends seems less scary and i hope to see one or two of them more often. i'm glad we went. we had a nice time, and left a little early so we could go on a date to the movies (we've been going almost every week to make the most of our pre-baby time).

ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99...
wear sunscreen.

5'

i went for a pregnancy massage today at lunch. my legs have been SO SORE lately, and i've been getting leg cramps in the night. i wanted to have an hour massage after work, but there wasn't an appointment available so i took a half-hour lunch spot. since it was just a short appointment, she just worked on my legs rather than my sore abdomen too, which is ok because my legs feel great!! i've booked an hour massage for two weeks from now. i THINK it's covered, or at least particially covered through my benefits at work, but i have to double check.

life changes seem to come in waves. right now seems to be a very wavy time. there are changes at work, changes at next, friends graduating, friends getting jobs, friends looking for new jobs, friends buying houses, friends moving cities, and me (other people's friend) having a baby. it's kind of crazy - all these changes. i kind of wonder a little bit if the waves will ever settle or just keep on coming.

i microwaved a peanut butter cup today. i don't like cold chocolate. i was careful, i didn't want to over do it. just 5 seconds here and 5 seconds there.

you think i usually wearing the pants,
just 'cause i rarely wear a dress.

did you ever have 'donut days' at school when you were a kid? we did. i wish today was donut day.

tokens

i finished the marriage plot. it was really good. it was, without a doubt, the least predictable book i have ever read. even as i read the last page, i had no idea how it was going to end. refreshing!

since i spend tuesday evenings getting stuff done around the house, i really wanted to finish the shelf unit (we had a few small elements to finish) and get all the tools and wood put away. before b left for work, i asked him "do you think i could finish the shelf unit by myself?". i didn't hear his response fully, since he was in the other room, but it was clear that he felt it was a two person job. but as i looked around the house to find the most urgent task, i kept going back to the kitchen, and concluded that i'd give it a go. all it required was some measuring, some sawing, some drilling. all things i'm capable of - although, i'm not the best sawer. so i set to work. somehow i did manage to slice the top of one of my fingers while sawing, and started bleeding. but i'm pretty sure it was a wood splinter that nicked me because that finger was no where near the blade. as i sat out front, sawing wood at 8 months pregnant, charles drove by and offered me some help. but i'm someone who likes to persevere when i believe i'm capable at the task at hand, so i declined his kind offer. for the most part things went well. i did initially screw the wrong pieces together and had to undo my work, but it just made drilling the second time easier since the holes were pre-drilled. i did manage to get it finished, and it was nice to get all the tools and supplies out of that space.

following that, i did a week's worth of dishes :S lame, i know, but we've been preoccupied with other things that dishes started piling up. by the end of the evening, the floor was still covered in dirty little paw prints, BUT the kitchen was very orderly. i was quite tired in the end.

we had our latest midwife appointment yesterday. to my delight, my weight is starting to plateau out! i only gained 1 pound in two weeks, which is all baby! hooray! post-baby, i really want to get down to my target weight. i know i can do it, especially since i won't be sitting in a cubicle all the time. it was funny at the appointment because our student midwife commented that we're very "pro-active people" because we're both really informed about pregnancy and birth. that surprised us, since it seems normal to us, but i suppose a lot of folks don't bother learning about the process. i know i've shared a few things with joy that she didn't know about, even after having 4 babies.

we've built these wooden miracles.

unpredictable

lately i've come across several news pieces on two-parent families. the first was an article, the other was a debate. i'm guessing this is a hot topic right now, partly because some jackasses have been spouting out nonsense on national television. the thing that i've noticed (and what bugs me) is the focus seems to be about parenting. the debate seems to be two-parent vs one-parent, and which scenario results in the most successful child. this really angers me because of what's being implied (and overlooked) about the kids. as someone about to have a kid with my partner, yes, i'm happy that we're undertaking child-rearing together. BUT as a person who was raised in a one-parent family, and who's partner was also raised in a one-parent family, i want to give these news people the middle finger and tell them "up yours!!". thanks for telling me that i'm significantly worse off than my two-parent counter-parts. thanks for effectively saying that the hurdles i've had to over come (financially, emotionally, relationally, academically, etc) is not the definition of a "successful" person. i'm not saying that my family scenario was ideal, in fact, it was not, but there's nothing i can do about that, and i'm not going to sit here and let some stranger tell me that i'm a failure because my parents couldn't work out their problems. it's just ridiculous. yes, one-person families are often put kids at a disadvantage, but that does not dictate one's future. there are loads of screwed up two-parent families, the appearance of a 'stable' home doesn't guarantee that the adult-child will take advantage of their advantages. in fact, many take them for granted.

in addition, i resent the use of the word 'stable' to define a two-parent family, because it's not a given. stability is the result of healthy, stable individuals - not of their marital status. this is similar to the perception that a person only becomes "settled" once they're married. my mom used this line on me before, that she wanted to see me "settled" (i'm pretty sure she meant before she died) even though i'd been working consistently at the same job for the last seven years or so (at the time), was maintaining my own home and finances, was debt free and was fortunate enough to have many wonderful friends and no relationship drama. i'm no more settled now than i used to be, the only difference is that i have someone to share experiences with.

it's high-time people change their definitions and embrace the fact that people's lives and families are going to look a little different to how they did in the past. and recognize that there has never been a perfect scenario to begin with.

talking trash like soldiers,
with your friends lined up behind you.

hex key

we had a nice time in ottawa on friday, and were both really happy that we decided to go up there on a weeknight rather than using our day off. it gave us the chance to get lots done around the house. we even vacuumed out the car! the only thing left that we still haven't gotten to is finish the shelf-unit. it just has one more shelf to go on and we have to secure the parts together with the wall. hopefully we'll get to that soon.

we got out stroller at mec and got it all assembled on saturday. it's a chariot-style stroller, but was significantly cheaper than an actual chariot. we're very pleased with it, the only unexpected hiccup is that even with the infant support attachment, it can't be used for babies less than 3 months. which is fine really, because i'd rather carry him in a sling or carrier while he's little anyways.

we also went to ikea and picked up a bunch of small things for around the house. it was a highly productive roadtrip and we did remarkably well for time, except we took the wrong highway on our way home and it took us a half hour to get re-routed :S that's happened to me before, i really have to be careful with that. i think it happened while b and i were debating if the street's name was "moodie" or "moodle".

i'll get my peace of mind in a year or two.

cactus

last night i had a sharp pain in my lower abdomin and since then it's been a little sore. i felt a little worried about the baby afterwards because he wasn't moving much, so at about 4 am, i got up and had some cold juice then lied back down. within minutes he was quite active again :) i called the midwife this morning just to be safe, and they said (the student midwife and the actual midwife) it sounds like i pulled a muscle or ligament, and it's nothing to worry about. so that's good.

believe it or not, we went to a murder mystery last night. we were invited by joy, as it was being hosted by my old youth group leaders AND the parents of brendan's friend becky from highschool. joy actually won! she was the only one who guessed one of the two killers. we had to get all dressed up into costume, i was a lounge singer named 'ruby saphire' and b was 'fredrick lloyd' a (fake) british investor who was trying to woo me :p

count the lipstick stains,
that you get on all my cups.