there was a time, when i had to be very conscious and intentional to live in the present. i made an effort to embrace life, and was mindful to do new things every month. i loved taking the chance to stop and reflect each year on what filled my year.

now i'm on the flip-side, where i am very immersed in the present and not much else fills my mind or time. i feel sometimes that this amount of present is pretty overwhelming. it would be nice to dream a little, and to have some space to reflect and ponder. life is very saturated at the moment.

i do get small breaks, tiny respites from time to time, but i generally i use them to sleep. for example, this afternoon, i had a nap on the couch during otis's nap. unbeknownst to me, brendan also laid down for a nap, leaving éamon on his own. he spent 2 hours in the living room, patiently waiting for someone to read him books, and attempting to read them himself <3

anyway... let me try to get back on track, and attempt to recall this year's most significant bits:

• in january, i started volunteering at next one day a week. otis would come with me, and i would juggle him and my duties there at the same time. i enjoyed having something concrete to do. tasks that gave me a more immediate sense of completion, than diaper changes and navigating a 3-year-old's tantrums.

• winter brought weekend boredom. what does one do on saturdays with a preschooler and a baby? well, we decided we would end our saturday activity drought by going out for lunch every saturday to various (and generally new) restaurants. it gave us something to look forward to, and only once was the service too slow that our children started to act-up.

• i had a nice little routine with my fellas – mondays we went to the library group, and fridays we went swimming. tuesdays gave me some downtime at home.

• in april, we went to mexico for a week, and had a fabulous time. by then, otis was sitting up on his own, and starting to get more engaged. our hotel/resort was ideal for a pair of backpackers with kids, and we had a fantastic time. éamon still talks about that trip with gratitude and wants to go back to 'mexico' again.

• in late spring, i felt more capable juggling my two boys on my own, so i reduced éamon's daycare schedule to two days a week, which gave us more time together. this generally went smoothly if i had monday activities planned. it generally went poorly when our summer tenant was around with her kid.

• we opted not to go away on summer vacation, since we didn't really know what our finances would look like come autumn. why? because i gave my resignation to bbd after 14 years there. that has been a very positive change. i have kind of missed the steady pay cheques, but have not missed the commute, the office environment, the boredom, the time away from my kids, etc.

• in september, éamon started school, and otis turned 1 year old. i've enjoyed walking éamon to school, and picking him up. that has really helped enlarge my worked and get to know people in our neighbourhood. otis started walking around 13.5 months, and i have loved, loved, LOVED it. watching otis grow into a toddler has been a joy. my two sons play together so wonderfully.

• also in september, i started officially working at next. (b likes to tease me that volunteering at a place, then telling them that you can't continue unless they pay you is one way to find a job) and i started providing after school care to 2 primary-aged kids. it's been fun developing a relationship with them, and seeing éamon with playmates.

• i feel like brendan and i are still finding our way with our new financial reality, as well as our current level of tiredness. but it helps knowing that this is just our phase of life, and both will be better in a few years' time.

• my time, energy, resources and interest level in self-care and relationship investing is not where i'd like it to be, but i try to cut myself some slack. i hope others do too.

this afternoon, brendan and i went to see the latest star wars film, and left out kids with b's parents. it felt really good to be out and do adult things. i realize that this time last year i was feeling pretty buried by the daily routine of parenting, so maybe it's just that time of year again. but i'm struggling to keep perspective of the best parts of this stage with my kids. i'm really loving 4.5, and i'm finding myself eagerly looking forward to otis being 4.5 and eamon being 7, so we can do stuff like go to museums, the movies, read novels and other kid stuff together. i think i'm just tired, and feeling tired of always navigating and negotiating life the hard way.

i really want to have some good perspective, and to really cherish all the stuff that i'll miss and remember fondly. but for now, i guess i'm too tired to fully appreciate the stuff i take for granted.

i guess i'm also disappointed because brendan's having second thoughts about us taking a trip to NYC with the fellas this summer. he doesn't quite feel up to it (having experienced our trip to the UK with a 20 month old). i don't want to rush this stage, but i want to live my own life too.

birthday eve

today is the eve of my 38th birthday.

it's funny to think of myself in my late 30s. time passes quickly.

we went out for lunch with my family today to bella bistro. afterwards, we drove past my childhood home, and showed it to éamon, since he was asking about it. it felt good to be there. like no time had passed. i think that's the thing about time. it seems to pass and not at the same time.

i'm not particularly thrilled about my new number, but ultimately, i'm happy with where i'm at with life. i have much to be grateful for, and i am. i kind of wish i had more time for loafing around, but really... the people i admire most in life are not people who waste time, but rather people who make the most of their time.

in recent months, in particular, i feel like i have tried my hand at several new experiences. things i've never done before. and while they have not been easy, i have benefited and learned new things. so i'm really grateful. doing new things has always given me lots of joy, so i'm glad that i'm continued to be stretched, and courageous enough to push myself outside my comfort zone.

so, thanks 37 for everything you gave me and taught me.

and here's to 38. to everything it brings and every new venture.

rose: this beautiful winter day that didn't feel too bad, when dressed appropriately.

thorn: having a bizarre conflict with someone i'm acquainted with about something we simply disagreed on. in the end, i think i could have been more initially convinced of her point of view if she had taken a different approach to explaining it in the first place. i was not meaning to be "disrespectful" with my actions (as she put it), but i recognize that i could have been more considerate of those impacted.

garlic

my life feels very full these days. not in a bad way, and not in a time-poor way. it's a pace that I can manage. it's a slow, consistent pace, and one that is energizing rather than exhausting. come evening, I have a short window of time, that (when I'm lucky) I get to sit by the fire with Brendan, watching our latest show on Netflix. that said, partly the reason my days feel full is because I've been working on a website for a friend, and it's been dragging out. so often times I need to use my spare evening time making progress with that. thankfully, it's not due to complications on my side, but rather because of changes or content on their side of things. 

anyway, this is the most full my life has ever felt. my time is pretty much all allocated. it feels that I am not able to connect with friends as much as I'd like. its not that I feel disconnected, because I don't particularly. we all have our own lives, and our own stuff going on. I'm hopeful that we will have more time for one another in the next season or stage of life. maybe it's because I do have relationships forming through my work life, and through my presence at eamon's school. maybe this is what makes me feel different than in the past, I was isolated in my workplace and had no natural forming relationships to make me feel grounded. 

rose: it was my turn to sleep in this morning, which is a rose in itself. but my favourite part was waking up to find my two sons wearing their capes and playing together in their bedroom :) seeing their blossoming relationship is so so so special.

thorn: we went to the fat goose sale today, and i didn't find anything to buy. i was disappointed, because i like to support local artists. but i find there just isn't a great price range. it's unusual to find something (that's not tiny) for less than $10, and i simply don't go to these things prepared to spend over $100.

rose: lately i've changed my approach to dishes. since eamon was about 20 months old, we've been making him carry his own dishes to the counter. i'd discovered that he did that at daycare, so i knew he was capable of doing it at home too. but last week, i decided it was time for him (and brendan) to start putting their own dishes in the dishwasher. it's made a huge difference. after that stuff is done, there's hardly any dishes left for me to do. it's really great.

thorn: up until last week, i was really enjoying having the doors open at next, or having them unlocked while i worked there, with a sign saying "you're welcome to come in". then one day, a man came in to meet up with someone, but she wasn't there yet, so he just waited for a half hour. he seemed harmless, but my imagination wandered to how he could potentially harm me while no one else was there. i shared that with brendan, who lectured me about how i need to not be naive about that. i got mad because he was mansplaining at me about the vulnerabilities of being a woman. he later recognized that too. anyway, since then, i have been more reluctant about putting myself in that position, and that's really disappointing to me. i hate that that's how life is for women.

rose: this afternoon, the after school kids spent our time together drawing themselves as superheros. they each picked what superpower they would want, and then designed what they'd look like. they cooperated really well, helping each other and sharing pencil-crayons. it was really nice. i've been noticing lately that éamon is less energized by being together as a group, and a little more calm. i'm enjoying us getting into routine and establishing norms.

thorn: after several nights of sleeping straight through, otis had a terrible night sleep last night, and cried for the better part of 2 hours without anything we could do to comfort him.

roses:

• having a normal fight-free day with b doing our christmas shopping

• getting a little bit of web design done (just enough to be productive, and not enough for it to be time-consuming)

• spending time with otis

• éamon developing relationships at school

• getting to watch a movie while i ate lunch

• making snowflakes with the after school kids

• éamon and otis breaking my plant pot and hilariously trying to hide it (#brotherantics)

• having no significant/noteworthy thorns

thorn: my stomach has been in knots all day. my freelance-related knots have been exacerbated by the relationship-conflict cause by said freelance work.

rose: otis.

rose: i always enjoy PA days, because of the break from our regular routine. i took eamon to do his christmas shopping this morning. AND he graduated from a car seat to a booster seat. i'm really loving that he can unbuckle it himself when it's time to get out. getting kids in and out of carseats is draining.

thorn: i'm experiencing some hurdles with this website i'm making. mostly on the logging in side of things. also, i realized that i needed to get started on the calendar i make for our parents every year. i enjoy doing it, but i do find myself questioning this task i've given myself. especially while i stay up late working on it and brendan is sleeping in the bed behind me. it's not his fault. there's no way i'd relinquish this design project to him. but i don't know how to even things out. christmas seems to exacerbate the gender-roles divide.

i forget most of the time all the little (and big) things i have in common with my dad. growing up through my teen years with my mom and sister (who are very alike in a lot of ways), i often felt different from them, and steadily felt weird or less than. they are both naturally tidy. they do weekly chores with dedication. this week at sunday lunch, we spoke at depth about my mom buying an expensive vacuum. i assumed that joy would tell her that it was too expensive for her budget, but instead she encouraged my mom to buy it because it was a very good vacuum. eventually, i had to say "i am not the right person to be talking to about this, because i don't vacuum very often". now that we have carpet downstairs, i vacuum once a week for roughly 10 minutes. joy vacuums every week for TWO hours. so having a good vacuum is worth every penny. their houses are guest-ready all the time. mine is not. it does make me feel like i'm failing, even though it's not something i value.

on the other hand... my dad is messy, but knows where to find things in his mess. he priorities cleaning/house work similar to i do (but probably slightly less because of social gender norms around house work), in a relaxed and optional manner.

tonight, we both attended a meeting at mbes tonight with my city councilor. i wasn't sure if he would stay the whole time, since it wasn't his district, but he did. he sat with the same posture as i did. we have much of the same quirks. brendan often says that "george will never die, as long as you're around". thankfully he finds my dad amusing, as well as wily and agile.

i'm very grateful to have been able to get to know my dad better as an adult. it helps me remember my place in my family, and not feel like an odd one out.

rose: i haven't knitted in... i don't know how long. i have become quite partial to crocheting. this is partly because i prefer making THINGS rather than CLOTHING. but also, when you make a mistake with crocheting, it's super easy to fix. BUT eamon asked for a scarf recently, so i got out my needles and whipped him up a nice infinity scarf. i ran out of one of the two colours about two-thirds of the way through and i switched to a multi-colour yarn. at first, i wasn't sure i liked it, but it really grew on me, and i'm really happy with how it turned out. AND he loves it.

thorn: eamon has a bit of a bug or something, and ended up pooping his bed last night. we discovered this when otis needed to nurse in the night. unfortunately, otis decided he didn't want to sleep, and was up for the next 1.5 hours. so we were all running late in the morning, and we missed the bell by like 12 minutes. probably the worst part though, was discovering that someone stole brendan's ipod from our unlocked car over night. they don't even make those kinds of ipods anymore, so it's especially frustrating.

rose: this weekend was filled with family. we saw everyone but joelle. we went to costco on friday. took our boys to their nana and papa's house on saturday so we could go out just the two of us, went to my mom's for lunch (and saw my sister, brother-in-law and their kids), then had a playdate with ben, meg and audrey. i'm really thankful that we have all our family in one town, and we see each other frequently.

i'm also thankful that i got to go hangout with some lady friends last night :)

thorn: tonight i was trying to come up with a christmas gift list to give my family. and i concluded what i really want is a litter box that is never poopy, never smells and never gets litter all over the floor. and a house that is self-tidying. it really doesn't take long for mess to accumulate and i find it so overwhelming.

rose: i don't have a costco membership, even though i like going to costco. i go with my dad instead. it's a really great opportunity to spend time with him. it's been a while since we've been there, and there was lots to look at. unfortunately, the food testers were just getting set up, and taking their time at it too! so even though we swung by several times, none of them were ready. but we had a good time, nonetheless, and we got some useful things at bargain prices. my two sons and my dad and me.

thorn: we took the bus there. a different bus than we're used to taking. the way there was very straightforward, but the way back was not. then later today, conflict broke-out among the after-school kids, right before their dad arrived. so with both experiences, i feel that our time did not end on as well as it should've. i did manage to get off the bus (even though the bus driver drove past it), and the kids were not fighting when they left, but i would've preferred a more positive note to finish off the week.

after years of a solitary commute to work, i have been struck by how different life is when commuting on foot and via public transportation. now, i know that i am quite partial toward public transit in general (years of working in the transportation sector gets under ones skin), however, it's the social aspect that i'm really enjoying.

not only am i getting way more exercise, i love seeing the same people every day. i like piecing together their stories. no wonder nancy has 'bus-buddies'. my short but consistent journey down to next a few days a week, is really a weekly highlight. 

i'm sad to think what i was missing out on for all those years without realizing it.

rose: i just dug out a pair of knitting needles for the first time in what feels like several years. éamon asked for a scarf, so i told him i'd knit him one. it feels good to be handcrafting again.

rose: sometimes it just feels good to tell someone how you feel about something, and for them to laugh with appreciation and understanding, then give you a hug.

rose: time spent with children can be a real crap-shoot. it's difficult to determine in advance how it's going to go, because there are so many unknowns and so many uncontrollable factors. but this afternoon, my time with the afters-chool crew was the perfect combination of everyone getting along well and playing productively. i always know things are going smoothly when i have the freedom to vacuum. they actually played house, which i think was the first time that's ever happened.

rose: i found my missing favourite hat (that i lost on sunday) AND i found my favourite mittens that i lost LAST WINTER! unfortunately, i have spent money twice trying to replace them with half-decent mitts. but i'm still grateful to have them back, because they're still the best out of the three pairs i've got.

rose: i enjoy playing with the after-school crew. we've been really into pictionary and hangman lately. last week we played a finding game where we gave clues saying hot and cold. sometimes it's tricky with otis, because i have to keep an eye out for him (he just constantly puts things in his mouth). anyway, i really enjoy connecting with them that way.

otis is full-on walking now. he toddled around the house for most of the day.

thorn: b and i had a fight today about money. well... it wasn't even about money. that was more a jumping off point, and the fight was really just about our regular sore parts.

rose: today i was told that my contract at next has been extended for the next year at the same number of hours (they had warned me that they may need to reduce them in the new year). everyone on the board is very pleased with my work, so they want to keep me at my current workload. that's very encouraging. i am happy with my current routine and arrangement. over the next week, i have to start preparing a draft of a new website for a local political party that has hired me for my graphic design services. i really welcome this additional challenge, and hope to integrate it well into my week.

also, after a lot of dithering, i think my mom has found a good and suitable place to live. downsizing from a house to an apartment. it'll be within a 10 minute drive of my house, and 5 minutes from joy's house. i'm really encouraged about this decision (i hope she doesn't change her mind again).

thorn: otis has been fussy during times that he's supposed to be sleeping. and because this is occurring when i have my time (either relaxing or sleeping) i have not been wanting to rise to the occasion.

rose: i love when i feel super comfortable in my clothes and DON'T look like a complete slob at the same time. it is rare, but a winning combination.

the kids and i were busy playing 'hot and cold' this afternoon (when they hid something and we took turns finding it with 'hot and cold' hints). it's always fun when we find something that keeps us occupied for a while and in a positive way.

i LOVE that otis is walking so much. it's really great to see him turn into a little boy, rather than a little baby.

thorn: i am not strong at time management. and getting out of next in time to pick up otis, then make it to the bus can be a challenge. especially when others are around to chat with. i was definitely running late today, so instead of going to our regular bus stop, i went directly to the closest express bus stop, and it turns out i'd made up time and was still able to catch the #2 bus there.

it's funny how easily people take for-granted little joys. day-to-day details that we undervalue or simply underestimate how special they are. during my tenure as a cubicle worker, i listed to countless hours of music in solitude. designing deep in my inner self with a good sound-track is definitely one of my happy places. i don't get many opportunities for the same level of intimacy with music anymore. i'm very fond of listening to music on repeat, but i either don't have the chance or i can't seem to find music that moves me in the same way anymore.

thankfully, i've been doing some (more) freelance work AND listening to a lot of tom petty. it's actually not anything to do with his recent death. it's actually a combination of things... 1) a conversation with lucia where she told me that her favourite song by him is "yer so bad". 2) tom petty voiced the character of 'lucky' on king of the hill, which i just completed a few days ago (for the second time). and feel bittersweet about it. and, 3) i've been watching 'elizabethtown' (in multiple sittings) and listening to the soundtrack. tom petty is featured heavily on that soundtrack, and i'm very hooked on the song 'it'll all work out'. it's beautiful in medley and in lyrics, which is the 1-2 combination that really sucker-punches me into falling for a song. it's bittersweet too.

it makes me think of my friend.

i hope that someday he'll be able to let go of her, and accept that it'll still all works out...

she wore faded jeans and soft black leather
she had eyes so blue they looked like weather
when she needed me i wasn't around
that's the way it goes, it'll all work out

there were times apart, there were times together
i was pledged to her for worse or better
when it mattered most i let her down
that's the way it goes, it'll all work out

it'll all work out eventually
better off with him than here with me

it'll all work out eventually
maybe better with him than here with me

now the wind is high and the rain is heavy
and the water's rising in the levee
still i think of her when the sun goes down
it never goes away, but it all works out

<3

rose: this afternoon, all 4 of us took naps in separate beds and couches. it was nice. just one content, napping family. we also went out for lunch for joy and tim's birthdays. it was loud and chaotic, but we had some good conversations, and it was fun seeing the cousins all together.

thorn: brendan and i had a classic "brendan and lesley fight". it went like this... brendan didn't communicate some useful information to me; i tried, but failed to navigate that unclear situation without being snarky; brendan got upset with me for how i was speaking to him, and turned defensive about his actions and lack of communication; then i got full-on mad because my complaint was legitimate, and it felt like my frustration was becoming the scapegoat for brendan's lack of communication.

in other news: every few years i get a new pair of winter boots that i'm excited about. and occasionally rainboots too. i will wear them around the house a lot, in my excitement, and sometimes consider wearing them to bed. i'm currently wearing my new pair (needed to replace my 2015 poor boot purchase) they make me wish it was snowing out.

in terms of the myers-briggs personality profiles, i'm someone who regulary confuses or bewilders others, and they find me difficult to peg. i personally identify as an ISFP. the aspects that trick people is the introvert/extrovert, feeling/thinking and judging/perceiving bits. so most of them :p

and i think i know why. when i'm at my best, i'm close to the line on all of those things. but when i'm struggling, i sink back into an extreme of each. feeling sad or discouraged = recoiling back into isolation, becoming overcome with feelings of sorrow and wanting to give up, feeling boxed in or trapped without new possibilities or options.

as i've mentioned already this week, i've being feeling like i've been under-achieving. i've been having a hard time accomplishing everything i need to without huge amount of effort and i've had a hard time relaxing. last night i was taking a shower, and remembered something i'd forgotten to do, so from the living room brendan could hear me saying "shoot, shoot! oh-no, oh-no, oh-no!"

and i can see my inner P emerging. my below-the-surface organization is in shambles. yesterday, i made every effort to prepare everyone else for the halloween harvest (because i was organizing it for next), but then was late and unprepared myself. things are literally and figuratively stuffed in draws without sorting.

on the bright side, i did figure out how to top-up my bus pass online today, saving me a trip to shoppers to do that in person. one less thing to do.

sadly, i forgot to call my sister to wish her a happy birthday yesterday. and i feel extra badly because she always gets overlooked on halloween.

rose: now that the sun is coming up later, my two little fellas are sleeping much later. often until 7, but sometimes until 8! i love it. sadly, we're changing the clocks back on the weekend, which means that they'll be waking earlier again :S

thorn: i've always been pretty good at turning off my brain and lofting around. when i was a teenager, my mom used to say she couldn't just hang-out like we did, and i felt like "just do it, it's a choice". but for the last week or so, i'm not in touch with my inner relaxer. i dunno if i've had too many projects on the go, too many commitments, or not enough boundaries, but i'm not loving this. i'm hoping that i'll return to normal soon.

rose: i managed to fix a basket that got broken. it was a lovely basket that i use for storing toys in downstairs, so it feels good to be able to repair things instead of throw things out. also, we're getting some work down in our basement today and tomorrow – new flooring installed in the kitchen (currently just painted concrete) and getting trim in each room. the flooring is half installed and look great. i've always wanted a barber shop type of checkerboard floor, so that's what we went with. i'm really happy with it :)

thorn: it's been the kind of day where i have not felt restful. even the free moments that i had to sit and read, my brain kept telling me there are more productive things i should be doing. brendan told me that that's not a good sign. he said people on their way to being burnt out think that way.

rose: on any even week day, i walk between 40 to 60 minutes per day. it's usually 10 minutes here, and 10 minutes there, but over the course of a day, it really adds up. i've been loving having a bus pass. next is close enough for me to ride a bike, but my bike is too small for getting anywhere quickly. in the spring, i'll invest in another one. for our current routine, it makes sense for me to take the bus. the only downside is that my bus ride is only two express bus stops. sometimes i feel like staying on longer and getting lost in thought. i think this is partly because i used to have a 25 minute drive to work each day, but also because in college i had an hour long city bus ride. while it ate 2 hours out of my day, it was some seriously good downtime. i just sat, bundled up on the back of a warm bus, swaying back and forth. i'm pretty sure i fell asleep often.

this morning, éamon got dressed almost completely by himself. and this evening, otis did a lot of independent walking. i can't tell you how much of a relief it feels that my kids are becoming more and more skilled to do things on their own.

thorn: my work computer has this weird quirk. when you turn it on in the morning, the monitor often says "no signal detected". so you have to disconnect the monitor, over and over until it does work. today, it took an extra long time to get it working. i was starting to break into a sweat. i hate it when stuff like that happens. i just want it to work already!

rose: this week, i did a short freelance project in support of a group of christian leaders who are petitioning the government to repeal the corporal punishment laws. this is an action that came out of the truth and reconciliation efforts. i felt honoured to be part of such an important initiative, and i also really liked doing some design work. not surprisingly, since i loved working on hatch in september. val kindly offered to write me a reference letter. so it might be time for me to start working on a website.

thorn: in the spring, i was helping someone work on a press release. i don't know if the file was corrupt, but since then every time i try to use microsoft word, it crashes. it's difficult to know if the problem is linked to that file, but every time word launches, it opens that file, then crashes. i did a bunch of looking online, and found someone else was having this problem, and had identified that it was only on one user profile. so i checked my other one, and Word is working fine there. this is pretty aggravating. i'm confident that given enough persistence that i'll figure it out, but i was really hoping that i'd get it corrected tonight. i'm gonna need it if i get more freelance customers.

my mom is hoping to move into a condo in the next year or so, and while she condo-hunts she's sorting out her belongings to make the move easier. she was going through some old photos recently and throwing them out, so i told her "don't throw them out, give them to me". so today at sunday lunch, she had a stack of photos for me and a stack of photos for joy. i don't think i've seen photos of myself as a teenager in quite a while. it was interesting, because i think i was significantly more broody and sullen than i realized. brendan is very sweet, because he gets a lot of joy out of seeing old photos of me. the more awkward and anxiety the better. it seems funny, but any past boyfriends i had were not interested in old photos of me. but then again, most of them made me feel like they forgot about me when i left the room.

i've been thinking a lot lately (maybe because i was reading the book 'annabel') about gender-norms and expectations. i have never been a particularly feminine girl, although i wasn't quite a tomboy either. seeing those old photos of me, reminded me just how unfeminine i was/am. at one point, b pointed out that joy and i were so different. it's not that i was masculine, but most of the time i went for comfort over style. and still do a lot of the time. joy would be in her flowery clothes with her perm, and i would be in a dark sweatshirt with my straight hair hanging over my face. i was thinking recently about how i wore a grey and dark green hoodie for my grade 9 school photo. it made me think that i'm really well suited to sons. if i'd had a girly daughter, i would not have known what to do with her. i think this is partly why i think gender definitions are so useless. i feel that i am a woman, so therefore, anything i do is something "women do", and not the other way round.

rose: i love when it's my turn to sleep in. AND we got to visit the melles's new house, which was a treat. AND we went to lake ontario park this afternoon, where otis did a lot of WALKING in the playground (<3 <3 <3). AND we went to royal angkor to mark our 8 years as a couple.

thorn: this afternoon, i opened our washing machine, to put in a load, only to find last week's laundry still in it (but it had dried). i was so annoyed. how does that even happen :S

rose: i really like my new haircut. i got a trim about a week and a half ago. not in length, but i got my layers tidied up. it's funny, because usually i get my hair cut, and not just my layers. i don't know if i knew that was possible before. the hair stylist asked me if i wanted some off the length too, and that was the first time it occurred to me that i could keep it at it's current length, and still get my layers cut. anyway, i like it a lot. i'm finding that i've been wearing my hair down more often as a result.

thorn: there were lots of tired children tears around dinner time tonight. but thankfully a few laughs too.

rose: on tuesday evenings, éamon goes to awana at kingston alliance. it's a churchy version of scouts. since brendan has the car in napanee on tuesdays, i have to take him there on the bus, but joy drives him home (since she's picking up her kids too). it gives me roughly an hour to myself in the evenings, and that's been a real treat. i end up doing lame things like plan my grocery list, but it simply feels good having time and space to do that without having to multi-task. and i'm grateful that he is fine when i drop him off. i take that as a sign of healthy attachment.

thorn: as kids get older they have a larger circle of influence. and sometimes that circle exposes them to things we don't want. today a kid from school was telling eamon about the freddy kruger movies. thankfully, éamon didn't really understand what he was talking about, minus the words "knife" and "claws". it left me thinking about how i want to really emphasize anything good, anything lovely, anything admirable, and to keep anything grotesque, anything horrific, anything troubling, away from our general sphere of normal or entertainment. life has enough sad and awful things in it, we don't need to add more, especially in childhood.

rose: no one's childhood is perfect. but i have such fond, fond memories of playing as a kid. whether it was with my playmates (scott or jessica and alison) or with my sister, we played for hours in our basement. we played house and make-believe. we played with barbies, made forts, we rode around and around our circular-designed basement on roller-skates. we also played outside a lot. it was fun, and perhaps more importantly... it was relational. now, i know that things have changed, but, (at risk of sounding old fashioned,) there is nothing i would want more for my kids development than to give them to gift of endless fun and relational play. just like i had in the 80s. over the last week or so, but especially today, éamon and the after-school kids have played really well in our basement. they are making up games (often times silly and nonsensical) and using their imagination. it makes me really happy.

thorn: this time last year, otis spoiled and amazed us with how he could put himself to sleep. that did not last. i woke up very tired today. and it just kind of lingered. even after my nap, i still felt tired.

rose: today was a full day. it's the kind of day that when i look back at specific moments (my first time cooking at 'the next stage', buying the kids a slackline at value village, and that very intense church service), i won't remember that those things all happened on that same day. it was a good day. and even the church service that held many intense aspects (both beautiful and sorrowful) was still good. i felt good about how our team pulled together that meal at next stage. i was proud of brendan's leadership and competence, and of my boys who kept themselves busy.

thorn: i was thinking today about my current level of vulnerability. and i feel like i'm in quite a vulnerable phase of my life. i've recently ventured out into new undertakings, and i feel vulnerable without the regular positive feedback and affirmation of my former boss. i'm excited about doing freelance design work, but worry that my offerings won't match expectations or that i won't price my work properly. without bbd, i feel more financially vulnerable. i'm gladly making sacrifices to be more present with my kids, but worry that it might have a cost on me as an individual. travel is a part of my identity and something that makes me feel alive, what if we don't get to have our regular adventures? will it take a toll? and then there's the vulnerability of simply being a parent. vulnerable to small things beyond my control (like disrupted sleep), and big things (like their well-being). so ya. i guess it's not just today, but it was something that occurred to me today.

yesterday...

rose: it was brendan's birthday, and i made him a birthday gift. he is really into chopping wood for our wood stove, but he didn't have a hard surface to chop on. so i built him chopping block out of 4x4s. I was very excited, and had a hard time containing my excitement until gift time. I did end up giving him his gift early because I saw that he was chopping wood. he loves it and was extremely impressed that I'd built it myself :)

thorn: otis gave us a super hard time in the night. Brendan was deeply troubled by it. I wasn't bothered quite as much, but troubled by how it was affecting Brendan. I hope he gets to sleep late today.

rose: brendan and i have been watching this very well done ken burns documentary about the vietnam war. it's roughly 20 hours long, and is very in-depth. no topic from that era was left unexplored. we are history fans (not quite buffs, but we enjoy learning about history), and this has been highly educational. in addition, i've discovered that if i don't get under the covers on our bed while watching, i don't fall asleep. which is good news because i haven't been able to make it through a 2-hour movie for several years.

thorn: today i had to carry otis from the daycare to the bus, the bus to the school, from the school to our house in the rain, as a blister developed on my left ankle, while the stroller sat forgotten on our front porch.

rose: lately, i've been feeling a little more like a normal person around my house, and less like someone with small children. i think it's because otis is more and more toddler like all the time, and less like a baby. which means that he and éamon are playing together more. he is also napping better, so today, during the rainy part, while otis napped, the rest of us watched a movie together.

another rose: i'm also excited, because i've started planning our next vacation. we're gonna go to new york city next summer, and to find suitable accommodations, one has to start early. i think i've found us a great airbnb, and have been looking for age-appropriate activities, to make this one as great as our last trip (to mexico).

rose: for about two months, the google calender on the next church website has not been displaying. i have emailed the people who set it up, but no one has gotten back to me. so today, i decided i would just keep at it until i figured it out. thankfully, i have learned that if i stick with something long enough, i will eventually figure it out. and i did! i can't tell you how satisfying it was when i got it to display properly. no more error message! yay for tenacity.

rose: now that we're into october, i feel firmly established in our new routine. and i can confidently say, it's a good one. i'm really thankful. i do feel that every hour is occupied until 8 at night. it's full, but a good time of full.

thorn: eamon fell off his scooter the other day, and scratched up his face pretty badly. he's in rough shape. when i was a kid, i fell off my bike and scratched up my face about 4 times. so thankfully, i have personal experience that helps me not to worry when i see his damaged face. it has occurred to me though, that this isn't exactly normal, just because it happened to me a lot. we bumped into anne fisher at the grocery store, and she thought it was just marker at first. she looked quite surprised when i told her it wasn't.

rose: now that otis has adjusted to the care of other people at daycare, he's doing way better with being left with babysitters too. so this afternoon, we left our boys with their nana and papa, and went out on the town. we had lunch at le chien noir, went to the market, and walked around a little. i feel that the thing that characterizes our time without our kids is the absence of noise, movement and activity. it was so nice to be able to sit and wait for our food, making light yet enjoyable conversation.

thorn: sometimes in my weaker moments, i struggle with insecurity. when i'm not feeling confident, i misconstrue people's demeanor and assume that anything less than friendly is a sign of dissatisfaction with me. when i consider this, it's not only insecure, but also self-centred. i don't really know how to change this inner dialogue, but i know i can.

rose: we went to the open house bbq at éamon's school tonight. i was excited for brendan to see eamon's classroom and meet his teacher. i've been in his room briefly, so i was happy to take a closer look, and to chat with his teacher. we had a good time, and am glad to see éamon hitting it off with a boy who we met at the park a few weeks ago, and i'm acquainted with the parents because of that. all this to say, that i'm really grateful. i don't leave there feeling like it's anything other than a normal school, and considering we heard terrible things about it before he started, that pretty significant. every parent i've met there, only has positive things to say about it. it seems to me that the negative stories get circulated widely and without any context. it makes it seem like only terrible things happen there, when really, there's lots of good things too.

thorn: my right contact lens gave me grief for most of the day. for large chunks of time, i had to keep my eye closed completely. steve kept laughing at me. i'm sure it was hard to take me seriously. my contacts give me trouble on only the rarest of occasions, but when they do, it's impossible to operate normally.

rose: since éamon started school 3.5 weeks ago, my world within kingscourt has grown. i've been getting to know other moms and families. i recognize people i didn't notice before. i've discovered that there is a boy éamon's age who just lives up our street. i really love it. we've lived here for 2 years, and i have struggled to get acquainted with people. and suddenly i feel like i've gotten to know more people this month than i have in those 2 years.

thorn: i don't like sweating. i don't like feeling slimy or gritty or gross.

rose: i've been reading a book that rachel recommended called "annabel". it's about an intersex person in labrador in the 1970s. it's really nicely written. it's got me thinking a lot about gender. and how they say that gender is a social construct. i definitely feel that gender roles are a social construct. but if gender itself was a social construct, then wouldn't everyone raised as a boy, feel like a boy? or vice versa? i think that sex and gender are more complicated than that. which is why trans-gendered people are becoming much more common and part of our social fabric. anyway, it's great having a good book to read. i'm thankful.

thorn: well, we've been turned down for childcare subsidy from the city. which is annoying and frustrating, because it was based on my income for the entire year, which includes 8 months of EI – that i'm no longer receiving. we should manage fine without it, it just would've been nice to have that extra help. i'll just need to adjust my thinking when it comes to money. i'm used to having money for trips and renovations. i still prioritize taking trips, so we'll probably need to live without renos for a few years. i guess these are the types of sacrifices and penny-pinching that will be worth it to have more time with my kids.

my rose today was the complete day. this has just been a great day. just completely idyllic and i'm very thankful. mondays are my days at home with just otis. i did some housework, he just played contently. then i put him down for a nap with no fuss. and while he napped, i read, then had a nap myself. brendan came home for lunch, we had a nice visit. i fed otis some lunch, then we headed to the school to get the kids. we played there nicely, then walked home without drama. had a good snack, played outdoors. after the extra kids left, we had some dinner, and i gave the fellas a bath. otis went to bed at 7:30 without much effort (this is extremely new. he used to be super easy to put to bed, then he got hard to put to bed, and now we're turning a corner, and he's easy again). i've been mostly reading since then. all in all, it's been a really nice day.

no thorn!

rose: last night, brendan played a show at the embassy. usually when he plays a show, we have a big fight later because i end up struggling to put the fellas to bed on my own, and then feel resentful that i don't get to go out. but the thing is that i don't usually want to go out, it's more that i just want some time to myself at home. so thankfully, things went all right last night, but b wanted to give me some time today, so i got to have the evening to myself, instead of parenting until 10 pm, then getting ready for bed. it was nice.

yesterday, i got a small trampoline off kijiji, and went to get it on my own with the fellas. i felt so good about getting it all nicely fastened to the roof of our car. it feels really awesome to be competent.

thorn: brendan's a simple living guy, and most people say he's difficult to buy for. but for the 7 birthdays that we've been together, i have come up with creative gifts for him. but this year it seems that i've run out of ideas. it's annoying, because i even googled "gifts for minimalist men", but the kind of stuff they came up with was definitely not something brendan would use. he is far more minimalistic than their suggestions. i had an idea that didn't pan out, so i've come up with something else, but i'll have to make it myself. and it's the kind of thing i would usually require his help for.

rose: since kindergarten is voluntary, i'm only sending eamon to school monday through thursday. so i really enjoyed my day with him and otis around town and at home. i took them to artillery park, but it was closed for maintenance. thankfully i had the car, and hadn't ventured down there on the bus for no reason.

thorn: i get discouraged easily, and it doesn't take much to make me second guess myself. thankfully, i also get encouraged easily. but the discouraged part is hard.

rose: i really enjoyed my day working at next today. i got a lot more done without my usual sidekick with me, and i felt more at peace about otis at daycare.

challenge: today was the first time i had to manage conflict among my three afterschool kids (which includes eamon). emotions were running high, and small things were being felt in big ways. thankfully, after insisting that everyone have their own space, things settled down. it's a learning curve for everyone, and i appreciated that i didn't feel ill-equiped to help them navigate their relationship building. i think that being at next for most of the day, and getting some downtime with otis while waiting for school to be out, helped energize me, and i felt like my tank was full. unfortunately, by dinner time, that tank was empty. but it was full when i needed it most.

well... it was quite an emotionally taxing day. otis's first day at daycare, my first day at next, eamon's first evening at AWANA.

the thorn was that daycare was as difficult as we expected, but the rose was that it was not worse than we expected. plus, he didn't cry all day (he stopped when they were outside), and lisa (his caregiver) was not troubled by him. she was very reassuring that he will do better and better each day. so i'm very thankful. she seems like a good fit.

rose: well, i got otis all signed up for daycare today. he starts tomorrow. we've also submitted an application for a childcare subsidy, which would save us about 40% of the cost. which would be fantastic. we also had a really nice dinner celebrating otis' first birthday with b's side of the family. i really love how otis' personality is coming out, and he's getting so fun and interesting.

thorn: all this time, since deciding not to return to bbd, i've had it in my mind that i'm not leaving him to return to work. maybe it's because working at next doesn't feel like work, but is rather a labour of love. or maybe because it's only 15 hours a week, rather than 40 hours (plus commute). or maybe because i'm used to daycare at this point, with eamon, that it didn't seem like a big deal. but now that i have a little bag for him packed, and (especially) now that the plan is that brendan will drop him off (leaving at 7:30), it suddenly feels like a separation. and i could spend loads of time thinking about this, and getting upset about how we will never spend this much time together again. but i don't want to delve into that, especially since this new routine will soon become our new normal, and we'll all feel ok about it. i feel like i've done a good job coming up with a scenario that meets my desire for non-parenting work that uses my skills, that also allows me plenty of time with my kids. i have felt dread and concern for otis, who is particularly attached to his momma. it's my hope that it won't go as badly as it could (worst case scenario... he will scream and cry for two weeks or more). i'm also worried because i really want his caregiver to like and enjoy him. but i suppose, even if he does cry a lot at first, i know she will eventually. i've noticed, having started eamon at two daycares, that the staff are polite and welcoming from the get-go, but not ever as loving at the beginning as they are later once they get acquainted – once a relationship is formed. i've felt a little sad all day, knowing that his little world is going to be disrupted tomorrow, and he doesn't know it yet :(

rose: napping mid-afternoon.

thorn: otis crying in the nursery at next (this does not bode well for daycare this week).

rose: after many, many dead-ends, we have eventually found a home daycare for otis. it's close to next, and handy to b's work too (brendan will drop him off, and i'll pick him up) i am so thankful. the woman is quiet and seems kind of shy (it's not surprising that she works with babies in her home), and i've been told that the parents of the other kids she cares for just love her. i suspect that she's quite gifted with children. the childcare space reminds of a wes anderson film. there's something about the dated aesthetic that makes me think she's a person of substance – rather than too much emphasize on appearances. i'm grateful that i don't feel anxious about going to work and leaving him with someone else. i'm hoping though that he will adjust quickly and not give her a hard time.

thorn: we don't use the deep freeze that came with out house. so i decided to sell it on kijiji. we mostly just keep our laundry detergent on it, and today i found the perfect self unit at value village to keep all that stuff on instead. so i listed it, and people were interested right away. someone asked me to plug it in and confirm that it works, and i did. but it doesn't seem to be getting very cold, which is super disappointing. i just want it out of here.

i've been feeling a little lost today. it's funny, because i usually have tuesdays at home with just otis. so you wouldn't think this day would be out of the ordinary. but i definitely feel different. i can't remember what i usually do on tuesdays. how i spend my time. what's my regular routine, do i have a regular routine? we (otis and me) dropped eamon of at MBES this morning. and i feel a little bit in limbo, waiting to pick him up in 2.5 hours. he did really well. he seemed to understand everything fully, and didn't whine or cling when it was time to go inside without me. i chalk this up partly to curiosity, and partly school-readiness, and his experience at daycare.

i keep thinking of the movie forrest gump. when he sits and waits on a tree stump all day for his son to return from his first day of kindergarten. that's what my heart is doing today.

rose: i almost constantly feel surrounded by clutter. it's slightly self-inflicted because i don't like having empty space either, but i haven't been able to find that balance between having stuff and feeling overwhelmed by stuff everywhere. i'm also still getting used to having our basement, which basically doubled our living space. so i woke up this morning inspired to move stuff downstairs, and from there, i came up with a creative way to deal with brendan's computer cords (that are always cluttering up the counter), after that, it pretty much became a day of nesting. it was partly the fact that it was a holiday (brendan was around to help with the kids), and that b and i have done some significant reorganizing on labour day before. but i think it was also (and perhaps greater than i realize) part of me getting ready for eamon to start school tomorrow. i wanted to feel organized, and in a head space where i felt prepared for anything. and thankfully i do feel prepared. i don't love the thought of preparing lunches for him every day (#daycarespoiledme), but his first lunch is actually pretty good and wasn't hard to pull together. and, even among all the nesting, we found time to walk down to the m-centre to go swimming at the waterpark.

thorn: i've been school-free since 2001. and i've loved it. i have never once looked back, and always, every year been grateful that my routine is not changing simply because it's september, and therefore back to school time. this is probably the biggest thing that makes me different to shannon :p so i am not thrilled that i'm going to be locked into the school calendar from here on in, until i'm... 58 years old. wow. that feels really weird and seems totally wrong. my youngest kid will graduate highschool when i'm 58. nancy is 59 and she has grandchildren! anyway, i feel like i'm losing a bit of my freedom.

rose: this morning a lost a rent cheque that i was going to deposit. i assumed it fell out of my pocket while we walked to the bus stop. later this afternoon i interviewed a potential nanny for otis. she's a woman who lives up the street from me that i found on KIJIJI! then around dinner time, she called to tell me that she found a cheque on her front lawn with my name on it!!!

thorn: when i thought i'd lost the cheque. i get so frustrated with myself because i lose stuff or forget stuff or break stuff or am under prepared. it was nice that that particular mistake was corrected without much of a fuss.

rose: it's amazing the difference a day makes. i know that is always true, but i don't always find that encouraging. when i started back to work with eamon, my first day was very very difficult, but my second day was delightful and energizing. i tried to take encouragement from that yesterday. anyway, i think i've found a caregiver for otis on kijiji who lives RIGHT UP OUR STREET! what are the chances?!?! she's coming over tomorrow to meet him and us. her ad talked about how she's a very experienced nanny, so i'm hoping she will not be intimidated by his angry-crying over the first week or two. i'm certain it will get better after that. if all goes well, i might stick with her until the end of the school year and not enroll otis in daycare until next fall. it was also a very full day, but we had a great time with our two after-school friends :)

thorn: today is the SECOND pay day that has come and gone since my final exit interview with a certain former employer, and i still haven't been paid. i'm excepting my final vacation pay. it's so irritating how slow they are to do anything for others. they cancelled my company credit cards within hours of my resignation, but can't seem to find time to pay me for my accrued hours owing.

rose: today the two kids i'm taking care of after school came over for the afternoon. we had a nice time, but my favourite, favourite bit was when we had snack. we all sat in the kitchen, chatting away, getting to know each other better. at one point, when they were telling me about a trip they took to germany last year, i told them that i went to germany when eamon was a baby. and the little girl said with great enthusiasm "we have so much in common!". it was very sweet.

thorn: i'm the kind of person who figures out what she wants to do, and then figures out what she needs to do that. my mom always gives me a hard time about being "a planner". i don't see myself that way at all. i'm a doer. i liked to do stuff, and to do stuff you have to plan stuff. i came up with a great plan to work at next 15 hours a week, find someone to take care of otis (my first plan was eamon's daycare, but they can't take him til he's 18 months), and i would also do before and after school care (i'm walking eamon to and from school anyway, i might as well bring a few more kids with me, and get some extra income while i'm at it). but so far my plans have not come together as smoothly as i imagined. thankfully things at next are secure, but i'm still scrambling to find childcare and i was supposed to start on tuesday. and with my childcare service, i have spots for 3 full time (before AND after school), or 6 part time (before OR after school). and so far i have 2 after school. i'm feeling a little discouraged, and it's easy to question my decisions.

--

today was éamon's last day of daycare. it's one of those things that if i allow myself to over think about it, i could get emotional or nostalgic about it, so i will try not to. but the thing that strikes me about it, is that i remember thinking back when he started going to daycare, that he would he was still my same little baby, and he'd stay my little baby, but grow and grow gradually. and eventually, he'd leave that place a little boy ready for school. and here we are. and the same is true of school. he'll go to school as a 4 year old, and he will slowly and gradually grow and change, until he leaves there at 14. it's best to not overthink it. i love him, and i get to enjoy him every day, through every stage. and that doesn't change.

rose: while taking an evening walk with my kids, i was thinking about our upcoming change of routine. i've been worried about it. i've been feeling a little down about the transition (even though i'm excited about the new routine). but thankfully, during our walk, i thought about how when i've been on vacation, or during that week that eamon was in VBC, it only took 1 or 2 days to get into a routine. so i feel encouraged that it won't take weeks or two months to find a rhythm.

thorn: finding childcare for otis continues to be a struggle. i had one lead that fell through, and another possibility that i'm not super comfortable with (i don't know her at all, and don't even have any mutual friends to ask about her). it's a lot to trust a stranger with a baby when they don't come with any recommendations. also, my sunglasses smell like urine. sometimes, when i'm at next, i just put otis's diapers in my tote bag and i throw them out at home (i don't want them stinking up next). i'd lost my sunglasses for most of the summer, only to find them in my tote bag. while wearing them, i could distinctly smell urine, but didn't know why. thankfully i figured it out.

rose: brendan and i have watched a lot of good shows together. and every time we're currently watching a show, it's my favourite. but the episode we watched tonight of game of thrones was crazy good. like, the best. really really satisfying. i'm thinking about reading the books. they'd go into a lot more detail i'm sure.

thorn: i've found that i've reached the end of my mat leave routine, and i'm feeling sad about it. i know that my new routine will be good, and i'm excited about each new activity. but i'm nervous about the unknown, and the process of settling into a new normal. i'm hoping it will at least go smoothly. i'm struggling to find a babysitter for otis during my part-time hours at next. i'm trying not to stress about it, because i know something will work out. i think i'm partly anxious because i'm ready for him to have a babysitter, and for me to just focus on next stuff when i'm at next. juggling him and my duties is a lot, and i want to just do one at a time.

on friday we went to eamon's daycare graduation. it was fine. i had hoped that they would say which schools the kids were all going to, to help us connect with the parents, but they didn't do that. anyway, while we were there, brendan noticed a woman staring at my unshaven legs. so he decided to obviously stare at here while she stared at me, just so she was aware of him noticing. he was quite baffled why it was so noteworthy to her. he said "it's like a beard, that's just what happens when you don't shave". so i pointed out to him that there is a difference. women are not given the choice if they want to shave or not. it's pretty much required for women to shave. and the funny thing is that it's women who notice. the only time that i ever feel weird about my non-conforming hairy legs is around other women. and that's super weird to me. why should i spend (waste) my time shaving, and my money on hair-removal products for the sake of other women?!?! there's no good reason.

on another note, after a discussion about showers at shannon's birthday bash, i decided to give evening showers a try. it will definitely simplify my mornings. and i feel all clean and cozy post shower.

yay! i just got my first two kids for my before and after school service :) and i'm extra excited that it's a family at next. so that's definitely a major rose for today.

rose: i loved late evening go-carting for shannon's birthday this evening. i loved leaving the house on my own with just a purse. listening to 54-40 on the radio in the car under the cover of night. it's nice to get these moments to remember and reconnect with who i am as an individual, rather just being a mom, or a worker, or something/anything required of me. it was nice.

thorn: feeling kind of sick after go-carting. i drove fast, and the course was very swirvy, plus the fumes. ugh.

--

come on, come on, get up, i want to take you
away from all of this, and what has got you lost and feeling down
you just get it off your back, let it fly away.

rose: our new mattress is extremely comfy. i had a lovely nap on it this morning. i'm very grateful for all the support i've been getting from friends and family on my before and after school service. at this point, i have a strong interest for two spots (an acquaintance who will need b/a care for her kids once her husband gets a new job), but nothing firm yet. i'm kind of surprised that i haven't had more inquiries. i feel i've done a good job promoting this service. most of the interested people don't send their kids to MBES. but i am optimistic that it will pan out, especially since i might just need one more person. i'm so happy with how i have that space set up. i hope i get to use it to help others.

thorn: the day after jill's wedding, i cleaned out our rain gutters. brendan is scared of heights, so he held the ladder for me. despite this, our gutters are still either overflowing or leaking. it's causing a damp spot in one corner of our basement. it's not a big deal, but it's annoying. also, during a visit to the park this evening, we witnessed a disgruntled, unsportsmanlike parent arguing with the soccer referee and now eamon is going around quote the man saying "you're garbage". (thankfully it's straight up quoting and not calling us garbage).

rose: our double bed has felt a little cramped these days when the two junior lorimers get into bed with us. so it was time to upgrade to a queen. we've talked before about wanting to get a mattress with a pillow top, so that's what we got. it got delivered today. it's quite the change. wide-wise the difference is noticeable but fine; but length-wise, it's a bit of an adjustment visually.

thorn: (which starts with a rose) today, eamon was completely content to play in the backyard by himself. this is a big deal, especially because just hanging around the house on a monday used to be quite a trial. but we didn't really have a choice, because we were waiting for the mattress to be delivered. i was surprised and delighted when he was happy to just play by himself. i even got to have a shower while he was outside and otis waited in the crib (quite patiently i must add). however, eamon's play was rather messy. he was pretending to lay new cement with wet sand, and so on. so before brendan got home, i got in quite a panic that he was going to be cross. brendan is objectively uptight about mess. and he particularly doesn't like it when eamon moves the sand outside the sandbox. i was rushing to get the sand back in the box, and trying to get through to eamon that his daddy was going to be very mad, when brendan showed up. i was anxious. he handled it calmly at the time, but later reached his limit and called for a moratorium on the sandbox. which results in a fight between us, because i was just happy that eamon was playing creatively by himself, and i was willing to endure the mess for the peace and his fun. we still haven't resolved it. we hit the pause button at dinner time and we'll end up getting back to it later. but i don't know how we will reach an agreement about this. thankfully we're pretty good at setting aside an argument until we find an appropriate time to talk about it.

rose: i just spent two days doing a first aid course. i aced the test, which was nice, and i learned some useful stuff. but my favourite part was getting to read during the lunch and break times. i'm also very grateful that otis did really well. that was the longest time we've ever been apart (8 hours, then 6 hours), and for the most part, he didn't notice. although today, he cried when he saw me, which probably means he did miss me.

thorn: i made a bit of a mess while repainting the floor in our downstairs kitchen. not too much, but enough. it was just bad timing because b needed me to take care of otis so he could make dinner. it can be challenging trying to get anything else done while parenting.

rose: when we lived on york street, i loved loved loved my balcony. i would regularly tell people that it was my favourite place in the world. when we bought our house on brant, we didn't go out looking for a house with a front porch, but i love that we got one that has one. especially a front porch that is covered and shady.

thorn: i've heard before, that no matter how big your space, people will fill it. when we lived on main street, our living quarters were small. and our house now (with our basement) is three times the size of that. and yet, it gets messy all the time, and feels cluttered. i need to get rid of some stuff. it's all the little things that fill it up.

rose: i don't do well with things that i HAVE to do. i usually resent things that i'm obligated to do, even things that i do voluntarily. generally, my instincts are to shirk routine. so i really, really enjoyed lying in bed reading my book this morning while eamon was at VBC and otis napped. it's especially liberating to be finished my ambitious handcraft project. it's all books and harry potter cross-stitch for the foreseeable future.

thorn: parenting feels heavy lately. heavy in the way that something feels when you've been carrying it for a while and you've grown tired. we're "on vacation" this week, but vacations aren't what they used to be. i long for rest. i suppose sleep is a good place to start.

rose: we enrolled eamon in the VBC that my sister runs. she puts a lot of time, energy and heart into the whole thing, and while it's not really our cup of tea, i felt i needed to send him to it. brendan has this week off of work, so it'll be nice to have our mornings relaxing at home. and that's just what we did. i got a new novel from the library and sat out on the front porch reading while otis napped.

thorn: do-it-yourself projects are a powder cake for brendan and i. we don't communicate well, and i get easily frustrated. i find it difficult because i have the desire, but limited skills. meanwhile, brendan has the skills and no desire. so i have to coax him into helping me, and usually it goes badly. even for something small the the project we tried to undertake today.

thursday rose(s): i was very tired after a rough night with otis, so i really appreciated getting to lie in the grass with my eyes closed as otis napped and while eamon played in the sand pit in city park. that night i went to bed at 8 pm. which was glorious.

friday was my last official day as a bt employee. it feels funny that my time there is done. i think i will habitually forget that i don't work there anymore. i feel peace about it though. it was time, and i'm grateful that i'm not returning.

saturday rose: i finished my gift for jill and ryan's wedding! and i hear that they bought a house, so it's good timing. it'll be a wedding AND house warming gift. we also got to go out to andrew's birthday party, which was really fun.

saturday thorn: otis cried a lot, and joelle had to call joy for reinforcement. i'm not upset or bothered that he cried so much, because he's a baby and will eventually grow out of this phase. but it would be nice to go out without worrying about him. eamon didn't struggle with babysitters the same way. otis particularly wants my company. i would love to get out more without him, or to go out with b more, but i guess i'll need to be patient til he gets there. next saturday and sunday, i'm doing a first aid course, and it will be the longest i've been away from him. i guess i'll have to wait and see how that goes.

rose: growing up, we always had an electric lawn mower. i'd heard once that if you try mowing when the grass is just a little bit damp, you would get electrocuted and die. that scared me, but i also used that to my advantage since it was a good excuse to not mow when i didn't want to. the cord was a real nuance, but i like that the handle bar would flip over to the other side. brendan wanted a gas mower when we were looking, so that's what we got. tonight, b was awaiting a call from our insurance company when he was only halfway through cutting the lawn, so i took over. despite the fact that i'd never used a gas mower before, i managed to turn it on, mow until the gas ran out, determine that it was out of gas, refill it with fuel, and continue mowing. i was quite proud of myself.

thorn: my first potential before and after school care client just fell through. her daughter goes to a different school, but i thought i might be able to manage meeting her at the bus. turns out the closest bus stop is too far from the school, and there isn't enough time to get there to pick her up. i'm pretty bummed out. also, i have concern that my other part-time job might not pan out. i'm someone who gets discouraged and encouraged very easily. things might turn around tomorrow. i've been told that parents are last minute and don't really start sorting out their plans until right before school. i'm just afraid that i'm not well connected in this neighbourhood, or that i don't have an established reputation, so parents won't want to give my service a try. thankfully, i crunched our numbers, and could manage until next summer on just one income. but hopefully that won't be necessary. i've spent so much time in the last week getting the basement set up. i've worked really hard. i hope things will pan out.

rose: otis' hair reminded me of liam gallagher's today (short and spiky on top, yet long at the sides). he is getting soooo cute, sweet and interactive. i'm really enjoying this stage. this age with eamon was much more difficult. i was more uptight about the things he put in his mouth, i was inexperienced and the end of my mat leave was looming. i remember it felt like my heart was constantly squeezed, as we inched towards my return to work. i'm so glad, and feel so free that i don't have to be separated from him. in september i'm going to be working at next 3 days at week, but those shifts are 5 hours long. and i feel much more positive about opening up his world to other caregivers. also, i'm starting to get inquiries about my before and after school service, which is really nice :)

thorn: i stopped by michael's today to buy supplies to make a gift for my niece's 6th birthday. i was short on time, but thought that 12 minutes would be enough. after looking over all the embroidery thread, deciding what colours i wanted/needed, i looked at my watch, and found that it was 11:27, and i had agreed to meet my mom at a condo she is interested in buying at 11:30. so i dashed to the cash only to find a line of 8 people. so i had to leave everything in the cart, and race off to meet my mom. the extra annoying bit is that now i still don't have the supplies i need and i'll have to go back again :S

rose: this afternoon, we went to a gathering at paul and sarah's place, for joanna, who's visiting from australia. our sons hit it off, and a short visit became a long visit, which turned into dinner :) it was really lovely hanging out. joanna is such an enriching presence, genuine and unpretentious. i'm looking forward to more time together over the next few days.

thorn: we had a really rough morning. otis had me up at 5:30, and by 8:30 i had reached my rope's end with eamon. he was constantly ignoring me; everything i said rolled off him like water off a duck's back. when i showed that i was upset, he just laughed at me. which made me feel so worthless. i remember reading once that the things that REALLY upset us with our kids, are really unfinished business from our childhood. my sister controlled everything and i had no power or say in my interactions with her. she made me feel frustrated and desperate. there's definitely an emotional connection there. sometimes i feel like i pick all the wrong battles with him. i mostly just want to follow through with my instructions and be consistent. i'm trying to instill certain traits, specifically being considerate of others, and it feels like a losing battle.

wednesday's rose was going out with shannon for drinks. we tried and shared a dirty martini, then i ate bubba's poutine for the first time on a bench.

thursday's rose was a visit with beckie.

friday's rose was painting the bathroom downstairs (it never ceases to amaze me how much a coat of paint can change a space) and vacuuming. that carpet really badly needed vacuuming, and it gave that satisfying static-y sound that indicates LOTS of stuff is being sucked up. also, i maguivered the light socket in the bathroom – the lightbulb broke off in it when i tried to unscrew the bulb, but i managed to get it out. i like bringing things through to completion, so when stuff like that happens, i feel like "ho-ya!"

friday's thorn was injuring my finger. lately, it seems when tenants move, we end up having to take a load of stuff to the dump. we were hauling guy's old tv, when it fell over and smooched my pinky finger. also, after all that, the dump closed early, so all the stuff is still in my car.

down there

rose: i got started with moving in to our space downstairs. getting it set-up as a play area, and as part of our home. the nice time about painting is that it helps me make a place my own. i feel like i'm reclaiming a space that once belonged to tenants. it's already looking really good; i'm happy and looking forward to spending time there, and being able to send my kids down there to play :)

thorn: it seems every time we have a tenant move out, we're not completely sure when they're done moving (mostly because they leave stuff behind). so i waited around for a couple hours this morning trying to figure out if she was coming back or not. eventually i concluded that she wasn't. i always find it hard to discover that tenants have not taken good care of the space. not just because it's property that belongs to us, but because i can't understand why people would not take good care of their home (even as renters, it's still their home). it's especially annoying when there are surprises – such as, a bunch of stuff left behind shoved in a cupboard, or a dresser conveniently left in place to hide moldy-mildew on the walls. or a blackened toilet bowl :S oh well, nothing we can't handle.
--

my thorn was longer than my rose. but my rose was actually much bigger. i have been lying in bed at night for weeks, daydreaming (is it called daydreaming when it's night time?) about how i'm going to decorate our basement, and where i'll put everything. i'm really pleased with how it's shaping up.

ending and beginning

rose: i took the fellas for a mini roadtrip down to napanee. it was a beautiful day, and we had a lovely drive with the windows down. this is also the day that our downstairs tenant is moving out. it was just a short-term arrangement, since i need that space for childcare. i'm thankfully that she lived with us for just 2 months, instead of a whole year. partly because it helped us make the decision that we are ready to occupy our whole house.

thorn: the aforementioned downstairs tenant no longer makes eye contact with me. and gives me short one or two word answers when i try to make small talk. it's hurtful and disappointing. things didn't end as positively as i expected or even hoped they would. truthfully, i don't really see any reason why for things to be this uncomfortable. while our interactions and relationship with her seems to have fizzled out, i suppose can be grateful that this experience wasn't worse.

yesterday's two roses

1) brendan made the most delicious fried chicken i have ever had.

2) lately on sunday evenings, we spend our after dinner time just hanging out in the grass of our backyard. it's oddly that time of day that eamon is most content to just play. it's interesting to me that it started as something to fill the time between dinner and bedtime, but it's fast becoming one of my favourite past-times. it seems that life kind of works that way. it's often the things we do to fill empty chunks of time that eventually define that time in our lives.

rose: we spent an overnight at a cottage with ben, meg and audrey, followed by an evening at beckie's cottage yesterday. it was really lovely.

thorn: for many years, my biggest anxiety was that when people got to know me, they would not like me. eventually, my self-confidence and self-worth improved, as well as my opinion of myself. i do however, feel that this is exactly what has happened with our current downstairs tenant. i feel like when she first moved in, she was very friendly and would interact with us a lot. and over the last month has increasingly grown to dislike us, even disapprove of us. which is hard, because we have tried to be accommodating, understanding, friendly and generous. it has me questioning myself a lot.

rose: usually on tuesdays, i don't feel like going into work at next in the morning. and usually the morning drags a bit, but by afternoon, i usually get busy and more people arrive, and by the time i leave it feels like a full and rewarding day. i particularly enjoy my regular chats with sue, steve and jill. i've been appreciating connecting and being in the loop with their lives. also, one of my most favourite things is taking something in need of improvement, and improving them. today i got to paint a chalkboard a next, since there was a sewing camp using my regular work space. it looked good, and i'm sure it will increase communication.

thorn: lately i've been very thirsty a lot of the time. i've also been feeling as though i've put on weight. i'm pretty sure there's a connection between those two things. at the very least, when you're dehydrated you retain water and feel heavier.

rose: when i was in college and procrastinating doing my work, i found that i got a niggley feeling when i was trying to relax, but knew i should be doing my homework. i always felt better once it was done. and that continues to this day. most of the time, i have a running list of things i should do, calls to make, emails to send, stuff to put away, etc. and today i addressed several things. it felt good. 

thorn: the biggest difference between one kid and two (for us) has been the increased volume. otis in particular is in a stage in which he yells in the top of his lungs just for the sake of yelling. he's always been a noisy kid, and i find it cute and endearing, but sometimes i can get overwhelmed when i'm trying to do something that requires thought and my two kids are screeching and the radio is playing. too much.

rose: i'm making some serious progress with my handcraft! i had hit a lull for a little while there. partly because i was frustrated that it was 3 steps forward, 2 steps back the whole way. but i'm finally in a groove, and feel like i'm rounding a bed and heading towards completing it. which is good, because i need to start on a new handcraft for my niece's birthday present, who is turning 6 in one month. also, i love all the strong female leads on game of thrones this season. they are really dominating!

thorn: i took the fellas to a kids program today to get us out of the house, only to be turned away because otis wasn't old enough. it was pouring rain, and we needed to do something to keep us busy, so i was pretty upset. i hadn't planned on him participating, but they wouldn't even let him be there. thankfully, they did let us into another group at the same location, which is normally french but there weren't other kids there so we got to play and participate without it being an issue. eamon is still keen to go to the other group sometime, and asked me if i could sometime leave otis with daddy and just take him. also, dealing with eamon flare-ups caused by disappointment is tough.

rose: talking with scarlete at the church picnic today. it's been a while since we've had a chance to get caught up. also, b and i got our kids in bed early enough today that we had time to watch a movie!

thorn: difficult interactions with a tenant. i'm consistently left confused and wondering what the hell just happened.

day-trip abroad

TODAY

rose: taking a road trip to watertown to get some good flea medication for the cat at target. getting to shop at target. having lunch at a 50s style american diner, and stopping at the zoo (which has only domestic and endangered animals). our favourite was the otters.

thorn: getting stuff at the border for 45 minutes. otis's car ride limit is around 1.5 hours before he starts to lose it. so smooth sailing at the border would've helped us avoid that.

YESTERDAY

rose: a nice visit with my mom. taking the fellas to meet her new kitty.

thorn: éamon broke my favourite umbrella.

hats and naps

rose: i've been so tired lately. it's been a busy week, with little down time at home. so this afternoon, i was so grateful for a short chunk of time, when eamon was playing in the bath, and otis was contently exploring the house (specifically his shared bedroom), and i could tidy up. then, when otis had a nap, eamon watched some peppa pig, and i got to nap on the bed beside him! i often feel like naps are wasted on children who don't appreciate them. so it was nice to get to have a quick nap.

thorn: i bought this hat today, that i thought was exactly what i was looking for (a straw hat that had a hole in the top for my hair). but it turns out it's like a straw fedora. i don't like it, and i feel embarrassed wearing it. i didn't realize at first, because it was folded down. but it's all wonky around the rim, because it's supposed to be bent up.

turn around

rose: well, it was announced today that i'm hired at next! i like that that's how i found out that i have a part-time job :p i'll be working 15 hours a week (5 hours over 3 days). which pairs nicely with my before and after school gig. i've really enjoyed volunteering at next. i've been doing one day a week since january. it meets a need/desire in my life, for concrete, hands-on work, with immediate sense of completion. parenting doesn't offer that kind of satisfaction (although, different kind). i feel like being in there more days will help me do more than scratch the surface. currently, i take otis along, but in september i'll have him in some kind of childcare situation (i have one good lead already).

thorn: yesterday i accidentally reset our router instead of the modem. i have never had a laptop, and therefore never had to set up wifi before. it was frustrating and stressful, partly because i was trying to fix it for others who do need it/depend on wireless, rather than an ethernet cable. it was also annoying, when i called the support line, and they tried to get me to pay for their services. i'm not paying for something i can figure out myself. thankfully, in the end, i did prevail.

four years

for the first time ever, eamon is at daycare on his birthday. i suppose it's a sign of our changing relationship, and his expanding world. although, otis and i are taking some cookies to the daycare for his class's afternoon snack, and he'll probably come home with us after that.

eamon at four is a pretty amazing kid. i love that gradually over the last year brendan and i have reached a point that we can have full-on conversations with him. he's inquisitive and engaged. he regularly surprises us with the things he remembers and his sense of direction. not only is it hard to believe that he's the same kid born four years ago today, it's shocking that a little baby who is barely aware of the world around him, much less the people, can develop into this little person. sometimes i think about all the stuff in life that he will discover down the road, such as world events like WW2, that he has no idea about. thankfully the learning curve of life allows us all to take things in a little at a time.

this past year changed us from a duo (speaking of me as a mom with one child) to a trio. and that hasn't always brought out the best in either of us. but on the other hand, when things are good, it brings me so much joy to watch my boys play and giggle together. i'm trying to do better. to read him better, and to teach him to read himself and the room. i want us to be co-collaborators and for our time together to be filled with love and peace. i also want us as individuals to feel... (i'm having difficulty coming up with a word) whole. i have this image of strong cloth in my head – absent of holes, tears, pulls, thin spots or stains. is there a word for that? well, i want us to feel that way when we're together. not new, but strong, in tact and comfortable. 

monday in the park

rose: this afternoon, when eamon was showing signs of needing some outdoor time, we went over to the park to hangout. i took a blanket, a magazine, some toys for otis and eamon took some sand toys. i love sitting in the shade on a sunny day, and i enjoyed a few minutes of peace before one or both of my kids were climbing on me. i may need to make that a regular after lunch activity. eamon did dump sand on the grass and on the baby, but i decided i was just going to let it go. it's not my sand, so i am not going to worry about it.

thorn: we stayed longer at the park than we planned, and i had told brendan that i would make dinner since we needed to leave at 5:00 for eamon's soccer lesson. so when 4:30 came around, brendan quickly threw together a simplified version of our planned meal. it put something in our bellies, but it was not filling, particularly tasty or sustaining. it particularly sucked because we missed out on greek food for joelle's birthday because of eamon's soccer. so our disappointing dinner was definitely today's thorn.

easy like a sunday morning

rose: overall, it was quite a lovely day. probably the most special bit was getting to nap in the afternoon :)

thorn: how messy, and remessy my house gets. i would say it's because i have small children, but i know it was like that when i lived alone too. maintaining cleanliness is not a strength of mine.

belated

yesterday's highs and lows...

rose: hanging out at the yard sale all day was really fun. we stayed longer than expected because we were having a good time, and didn't have any thing else we needed to be doing. afterward i took eamon swimming at the butlers' pool, thanks to our open invitation, and enjoyed a long visit with sarah and a visit with stephen too.

thorn: helping pack up all the stuff from the yard sale after a long day. i wish there had been more people around to help at that point, but we can learn from this experience. i'm going to write up a lessons learned document to share with the elders for next time.

yardsailing

rose: spending time with friends and my fellas, sorting all the yard sale stuff at next. i enjoyed joking and working together; loved that my kids could keep themselves occupied and play with other kids; getting to set an example for them to give time and energy to help others; finding quirky and appropriate gift for a friend; and scoring a bunch of great stuff from the yard sale lot.  

thorn: the hour of so when brendan and i sorted through the stuff by ourselves, because the other volunteers forgot to come. i felt let down and angry that i'd gotten my hopes up. that people had made a commitment that i trusted they would keep, but didn't. we'd made a decision as a group that we wanted to do a yard sale, and i was wondering if people liked the idea in theory more than in practice. BUT we seem on track for tomorrow. i followed up with a few folk, and they sound firm in their commitment. so i'm glad. it'll work out in the end.

baths and libraries

rose: i had another really enjoyable day with my sons. i especially liked that eamon, repeatedly asked to sit on my lap, which i realized he hasn't really done in a while since he's been having to be the big brother. another rose is that when i had to give my cat a bath (to get rid of the flea dirt she's covered in at the moment), she did not claw at me, or cut me once. she did make load, low guttural noises, but that was ok. i would happily endure sounds that imply that i'm torturing her, than be clawed for helping her out.

thorn: the library wouldn't let me put a flyer for my before and after school service up. they don't promote "businesses". while i understand that, it stinks because it's a really convenient location (right beside the school). i know it's still early, but it would be really nice if i could start meeting parents and getting some kids signed up. i only have 3 spots. that seems like a realistic number to fill. so i've posted my flyers at various parks instead.