askew

i'm so excited!!! it's official. i'm going to mexico in february with david, cas, matt, and josh! it's gonna be so much fun! cas called me this afternoon to gab about our super fun trip. i'm really happy she's coming. this adventure will earn matt the title as "my token hetero friend". i'm really jazzed. man, i wish we were going next week! i'll need to buy a lonely planet book about puerto vallarta to add to my collection.

they say it takes 23 days to form a habit. but for me... it's taken 5 years to get used to waking up at 6:30 each morning. it's finally getting easier. i set my alarm for 6:05 and hit the alarm clock for over a half-hour, but not because i'm sleepy, but because i'm comfortable. my ideal morning experience involves gradually waking and being able to lie there staring at the ceiling until i'm good and ready to get up. i like that this has become part of my work-day routine.

that conversation took a turn that i was unprepared for. it vehemently makes me hope that i'm not as easy to read as i've been told.

come and see me
i'll be around for a while.

underpin

i dunno. sometimes it seems that escapism is the only thing that sustains me. well... not the only thing, but perhaps the easiest thing. i don't know what i'd do without my imagination.

i think i'd like to get a puppy someday. probably when i'm in my 40s. by then honey and the koe-koe will be long gone, or at least too old to care. cats can live a long time.

i like hanging out at 450 albert street. i had two glasses of wine and i'm feeling tipsy. or at least like my body is very heavy and it requires a lot of effort to type.

they do cool things. why don't we do cool things? why aren't there enough people interested in cool things?

it snowed today for the first time. the funny thing about the weather is that whenever the seasons change they're familar and not at the same time. it seems to me that at some point within the last 6 months enough time had past that it no longer felt common place for there to be snowflakes instead of rain. i wonder what point that was. regardless, i love that there's enough of a break that snow feels new and foreign.

look around, leaves are brown,
and the sky is a hazy shade of winter.

sometimes i still think about it.

tea biscuits

i came to be at peace with myself a number of years ago when i connected with a God of love. the funny thing about that is he's the same God i knew when i associated myself with a God of rules and judgment. the difference came within me instead of requiring me to look someplace else. i don't know when it happened, but my legalism and judgmentalism was slowly striped away until i saw others not as "sinners" but as people – a lot of them hurting. i'm forever grateful that God gave me freedom from my rigid, uptight past. this does not mean that i agree with all the moral and ethical decisions of my contemporaries, but it has enabled me to listen and love genuinely, and at times help when i can. and i've been surprised to learn that loving is not as hard as expected. all it really involves is common respect, it means recognizing differences and accepting them, it sometimes means letting others fall down because their own bad choices – but being there to help pick up the pieces, and being humble enough to not control someone else. it's been a load off my mind to not believe that i'm the only person who has all the answers. jesus said "i have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" and at another time said "if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed" – these are not the words of a man who wants to enslave his friends or burden them with rules. i now know what it's like to live and move and have my being in God, and it's a marvellous place to be.

at sunday lunch we got talking about multiple intelligences. joy's a teacher and recently read a book about the different intelligences and how EVERYONE is intelligent in their own way. it kind of made me sad that my mom was so down on herself that she kept saying she wasn't intelligent in ANY way. it shocks me that someone could reach 62 and not recognize their unique intelligence. anyways, the 8 different categories are as follows: verbal-linguistic, math-logic, spatial, bodily-kinesthetic, musical, interpersonal, intrapersonal, naturalist. for a more detailed explaination check out this page. we all agreed that my best intelligence is intrapersonal, and that i also do very well with spacial and interpersonal. but i also think i'm pretty good at verbal since writing is very key in my self-awareness. what about you guys? after reading the different types, what kind of intelligent are you??

the autumn winds blow chilly and cold.

conte

heather said something the other night at living room about her mom never considering their house clean enough to have company over. that sounds a lot like me. that and i'm self-conscious of my cooking. however, i'm working on the cooking thing, and the whole clean thing, i just need to chill – no one expects a lived-in house to be perfect. i never go to other people's houses and inspect it's cleanliness. so this evening i had melissa over, it was lovely having her company AND she enjoyed my cooking. so i'm feeling encouraged. which says a lot because i was feeling out of sorts this morning. she even played boggle with me which was very fun. i love boggle. beckie and i played it A LOT when i was up north.

sometimes i forget to do things.

sometimes i'm way too hard on myself. other times i think i'm the cat's meow. it's really a very confusing existence.

i need to drink more water. i'm resolving to spend the next 6 weeks making a conscious effort to drink more water. that puts me at.... december 4. ooh big day. i wonder if mayelin will have had her baby by then. ok... i'm telling you this so you can help me with my water consumption. i'm not cutting other substances, just increasing water.

i'll choose to see it as a reminder of what NOT to do....

i am lonely but you can free me
all in the way that you smile.

vomit

in my first-aid class today i heard about a 90 year old lady who gave her husband CPR in the walmart parking lot for 10 minutes before they were found/an ambulance came. he survived, which is insane because there's a 10% chance of surviving a heart-attack when it takes place anywhere other than a hospital. on top of that, ANYONE giving CPR for 10 minutes straight is unheard of. that's amazing. she was exhausted and had to be taken to be taken to the hospital afterwards. good on her, what an awesome old lady. they don't get much older than that!!

don't try to hug someone thru a car window. you'll just end up hurting yourself.

i don't like skeptical people. well... that's rude of me... i don't appreciate over-skepticism. when people say stuff like "how am i supposed to know that they don't just take my recycling to the dump with the regular garbage?" come on!?!? how can a person say such a thing. they're totally just looking for an excuse to not bother with recycling. sheesh. some people are suspicious of all the wrong things. or perhaps they're just cynical towards the things that oppose their agenda. which is all the more frustrating, because at the root of it is a control issue. it bothered me when people argued with the first-aid instructor. i don't care if they don't understand why you should only administer one shock from the defibrillator if the casualty is suffering from hypothermia. you just don't because the experts are telling you not to. that answer should be enough. there's a time to question authority for sure, but when a superior is trying to save lives or the planet, conceding should be a no-brainer.

it all works out in the end.

undone

this evening i saw the secret life of bees with mayelin. it was really great. quite honestly, it was the best book-to-movie movie i've ever seen. i was very impressed, they did a fantastic job. i hate it when the plot is changed for no reason, so i really appreciated that they didn't do that.

i once read a book where the author went into great detail about the ellipsis. i loved it. it was every woman's inner crazy girl trying to decipher what was being said or not said.

rhonda wrote to me about how her pants were too short yesterday and it made her feel like a dork. i thoroughly enjoyed that someone else's mood was affected by their clothes.

the tunnel connecting the two buildings resonated with the sound of the rain over head. there's something about being sheltered from a storm that warms my heart and makes me feel safe and secure.

i know you won't fail...

river

i thought the foreword was supposed to go at the beginning.

i had a totally awesome day today because i got to wear the most comfy pair of pants ever. they felt like butter they were so smooth. it reminded me of how in highschool mandy and i called days like that being naked with your waistband on. i won't bother explaining further.

i was thinking this evening about how paul likes to tease me about being old. in reality, i'm not old at all, but i seem so to him because he's 21 and i was born in the 70's. i agree that i'm no spring chick, but i can honestly say i wouldn't trade anything to relive being 21. i feel about my early 20s how a lot of people feel about their teen years. besides, i'm pretty satisfied with how i've lived my 29th year.

hmph. part of me just wants to get it over with.

this has been one of those evenings where i'm a bit like a zombie. i feel a little bit lonely today. i think i need to get some sleep. i'll just go pass out now.... g'night.

if i should pass the tomb of Jonah
i would stop there and sit for a while;
because i was swallowed one time deep and dark
and came out alive after all.

deep

i wish i could wrap this song around me like a blanket it and sleep within it.

the world is saturated in you.

so this is what i concluded... i'm an outgoing introvert. i'm very relational, but i seem to enjoy/thrive-in one-on-one friendships the most. i enjoy larger group events, but look-forward to more personal conversations afterwards. i'm very introspective + self-aware, and need a certain amount of alone time in order to maintain a well-balanced life-style. it's also much easier for me to be alone sometimes then to make an effort with others and yet i'm not self-sufficient alone (contact with others is essential for my well-being – probably a result of my introspective nature, i get worked into a spiral if alone for too long). i'm also a people person who finds just about anyone interesting and like to ask people a lot of questions and learn all about them. i mingle well in social gatherings, although, this sometimes it requires taping into an internal source or falling back on previous social training. i'm animated and lively, which contributes to my outgoing side and often hides the fact that i'm shy. yup, i think that's a pretty accurate description of me, except i really do enjoy interacting with people in a larger group setting then it appears in what i just wrote. i'm a people-watcher. i'd just been thinking about that earlier today, and it's easier for me to form my thoughts completely when write them out, so here's as good as any place else. i suppose clearly defining myself is neither here nor there, but it gives me some peace of mind, and i'll rest well having figured myself out a little better. because, well... this is what i have to work with.

sometimes i could just kick myself when i realize the answer has been sitting under my nose the whole time.

where would i find you?

unbeknownst

i love that while i was at the birthday party of my pure-bred dutch friend (melissa) at the brew pub, a troupe of bagpipers with a highland dancer came in and volunteered to perform for us. it was totally random and yet super awesome.

this afternoon on my way home from downtown i stopped at mcburney park and laid in the leaves for a half-hour. it was really relaxing and beautiful.

i read this in my book today (the character's parents split up when he was 10 – just like me): 'In college, I had a course in Latin, and one day the word "divorce" camp up. I always figured it came from some root that meant "divide". In truth, it comes from "divertere," which means "to divert". I believe that. All divorce does is divert you, taking you away from everything you thought you knew and everything you thought you wanted and steering you into all kinds of other stuff, like discussions about your mother's girdle and whether she should marry someone else'. after thinking about it, i concluded it's the most accurate literary synopsis i've ever read pertaining to my family life.

what can i say but i'm wired this way.

refund

i like the way the moon shines thru my bare window frame creating a square of light on my floor.

put the horse before the cart.

exit

there's something about procrastination that makes everything just so lovely.

i can't recall when i last felt so comfortable in my own skin. i'm just hanging out around the house in some comfy clothes and i feel like a hundred bux. it's one of those evenings when everything feels right in my world. my goodness... it's amazing the difference a good pair of pants makes. if i could wear whatever i wanted to work, i'd have much more job satisfaction :p naw, it's not just my trousers. it's must bigger. it's like i've just had an arcane glimpse of the universe. it's like a switch has been flicked in my brain and i'm no longer bored.

everyday on the way to work i see a white dove. it's completely surreal because it's so out of place and rare. part of me wonders if it's just an albino pigeon, part of me wondered if it was even there or if i was just seeing things. every time i see it, i'm reminded – it's a sacred reminder in a mundane moment.

it may be a while.

you always knew just how to put the fire out.

behemoth

sometimes after donating blood... plans change and a girl can find herself at jordin's house watching the business of being born completely out of the blue with a bunch of birthaholics. it was very informative. i suggest any woman with a uterus should watch it.

your inside is out,
and your outside is in.

misunderstanding

*sigh* i can honestly say, i'm glad the end of this day has arrived. it was a good day, but full and i had a lot of errands to run after work. this is pretty much the first time i've stopped since leaving work. and even now i'm doing. i'm gonna turn off my computer early tonight and just hangout on my bed. reading or doing crosswords. they've been helping you know... the crosswords. i'm regaining my mental agility.

well, i did my annual civic duty and used my democratic right. and as usual, it turned in to a "where's waldo?" of sorts, but instead it was a "where's lesley's polling station". there's about half a dozen polling stations in this neighbourhood, and they seem to enjoy sending me to the least close one. i live literary across the street from the memorial centre, i could throw a ball and hit it, and yet they send me some place else. i realize the other places are quite close, but they're not as close as kitty-corner from my home. please see the image below.

haha, i'm a massive nerd. i don't know who else would go to the extent of coping an image off google earth, then circling her house and marking the polling stations to make a point. i love that i live across the street from the m centre. for more reason than one. i like that i choose to keep the most ludicrous and delicious reason to myself.

i will keep that 25 dollars and use it to build my fortune.

my... look at the time. i should scoot. i'm tired, but feeling upbeat in an exhausted kind of way.

28 and bored.

doe

i'd like to talk a little bit about intimidation. i've been thinking about it a lot lately. where does it come from? what perpetuates it? is it something about the other person or is it caused by an existing insecurity? maybe it's a combination. i have this friend who i was incredibly intimidated by before i got to know her. we're very different in certain ways, and that's to our advantage. she's one of my biggest fans, as i am hers. i've been dwelling a lot on my personal weaknesses lately, things about me that i'm self-conscious of. they make me worry that i'll be searched and be found wanting. to the point that i've been questioning what i DO have to offer. but i've come to the conclusion that i am simply me, and THAT'S what i have to offer. sure there might be lots of other people out there with the qualities i have, but i'm the only one of my exact combination of ingredients. i'm unique and i mustn't forget that.

this afternoon carpooler paul and i went to frontenac park.

he kept wanting to climb a mountain but there aren't any in this neck of the woods, so i suggested frontenac park. i'd been wanting to go there all summer, so i was happy to have someone to go with. just to clarify.... for those of you following along at home.... it was not a date. i don't talk about dates in public forums. in fact... i rarely talk about guys i like by name on pspd. just wanted to set you straight in case you got all "wink, wink" "nudge, nudge" on me. anyways, it was a really beautiful day, which made for a nice hike.

alas, i don't suppose i made any impression what so ever. but that's better than a bad impression, so i can't complain.

as we live a life of ease,
every one of us is all we need.

hourglass

so.... i have three days worth of stuff bottled up. three days of fun quality stuff.

first.... i went to david's place on thursday night in whitby/oshawa. i took the train and sadly got seated beside someone who appeared unbalanced – as an extra added disturbing bonus he turned out to be reading american psycho. anyways, i had a super fantastic time with david, as usual. it was short, but very sweet. he took me out for dinner and drove me around in his massive 18 seater van. i shouldn't have laughed at him, but it just seems so funny this young handsome guy driving around in a van the size of my bedroom.


next day, i took the GO into the city for my seminar. i'd never been on the GO before and i was very excited because it's a bombardier train. it was really mellow, i enjoyed just chilling, listening to my ipod. the seminar was good. it was about indesign, which is the program i use at work for brochures, ads, etc, and at home for hatch and the standard. i learned a number of things, but there was a significant amount of things i already knew (about 70-30). which really, made me feel awesome and very confident in my design ability.

afterwards, i met up with kate and we went up the cn tower. i haven't been up since about 1987ish, so it was my first time as an adult, and my first time on the glass floor. i was rather anxious about the glass and held onto kate's arm as i stepped on. it took me a while too, like when i jump into a pool of cold water. we had a really great time because we were there during the daytime, then saw the sunset, and saw the city at night! we sat in the restaurant overlooking the downtown hub. it was a beautiful sight, i strongly suggest the tower at night time.


i took the train home at 10:00. since it was the last train there was no VIA1, which enlightened me to the fact that i've grown quite accustomed to traveling in style and did not enjoy economy class the way i used to :( i don't downsize with as much ease as i'd like.

this afternoon i decided i needed to do some clothes shopping. i hate spending money, but it was quite obviously time for some new pants. sarah kindly brought this to my attention the other day when she stuck her finger in the hole i was hoping no one noticed. anyways, i invited shannon along since she doesn't have a car and probably doesn't make it out to the mall very often. she was very kind to come with me and i realized i've gone shopping with a friend probably about 4 times in the last ten years! afterwards she invited me for dinner. which brings me to the final leg of this entry....

shannon, andrew, chelsea and i went over to the corn maze this evening. it was an amazingly beautiful night to be out in the countryside on wolfe island. we split into teams (s & c vs. a & l) and were given walkie-talkies. andrew and i got horribly lost and just couldn't get ourselves going in the right direction. eventually we gave up and went out the entrance. we came across the farmer who took us in the back way and thru shortcuts until we found shan & chels again. he suggested they give us a head start, then took us way ahead and hid us in the corn stalks so we could jump out and scare the other girls. it was really amusing. we did eventually make it out alive. it was tough. we treated ourselves to a bonfire where we roasted marshmallows and played with the kitties in the barn. it was really fun. kind of funny the contrast between last night and tonight. both were fun.

wow. it's been a jam-packed 3 days. fun times! and we still have 2 days of weekend left!

i've reaccessed some choices,
made amends with all the voices.

veritably

i don't know about you, but i've definitely never seen a pink and purple coyote before.

for the last two weeks paul's had to sit thru me complaining about the hoodlums who stole the poles from my green party sign. on the way to work we've spotted several empty election sign poles (the plastic sign part have either been snatched or blown away). this morning when we were at a stop light, i asked him to jump out and grab a set of poles so i can re-instate my sign. the light turn green as he opened the car door to get out and i sat there watching the cars behind me. as he rushed to get back into the car the poles barely fit and he struggled to get inside. it totally cracked me up. a very entertaining way to start the day. the hoodlums have not won. hurray!

i sat with atousa in the cafeteria at lunch. she's asked me repeatedly but i really enjoy walking/reading at lunch so i never went. however, i thought it would be good for me since i want to break my social bubble. it was fun. i'm glad i did it. she's super easy to be around.

well... tomorrow i'm heading to the GTA for a seminar on adobe indesign. i'm pretty excited about that. plus, i'm spending the night at david's place and going up the cn tower with kate on friday. should be a super fun two days.

am trying to say
what i want to say
without having to say
"i love you".

awana

i got hit in the head with a lacross ball.
hahaha

rachel.... (per our conversation)... this is a overtly-subtle message.

i'm done with crocheting. we are not well-suited. but i've tried it out and know we not right for each other. i've completed two coasters and i'm quite content with that. now i've got to get back to the knitting pronto but haven't got a new project.

i've always prided myself on my ability to remember names. i have a freakishly good memory and i like it that way. except, i'm becoming alarmed because over the past week on several occasions i've been coming up short on names. even for people i know quite well, they stand before me and i go several minutes without the foggiest idea what their names are. this is bothering me a great deal. i feel like i'm slowly losing my mind and worry if this is a foreshadowing of my future. i think i need to bust out the cross-word puzzles, it's been a while, i bet that would help. i need to exercise my brain.

we'll all have a good laugh
when they tell us that time is of the essence.

ethos

i woke this morning with a distinct dread for reality. it made me grumpy and rather sad. the day improved after i had the chance to write my guts out to a friend. then improved still when i got an email from another friend. that and the music i was listening to. music has such an awesome impact on moods that it blows my mind.

the turn of events are unpleasant and remind me of how sucky life can be at times. it makes me feel like a used hanky. i don't ever want to make someone feel like this. and as a result i'll probably overcompensate and worry that i'm still failing. alls i know for sure... is that it takes being a good friend to have a good friend. at least that's how the theory goes.

sometimes i feel like i'm having an identity crisis. i'm excited. and unhappy. and content. and dissatisfied. i'm hopeful, and yet despondent. i don't like it, it's really confusing.

well... there's always tomorrow. there's the slight possibility that things will take a turn for the best at any time now. i'll hold in there, because i know i'm much stronger than simply giving in.

the patron saints all patronize me.

mandolin

last night after writing my entry, i ended up putsying around the pad until 2 am. i was doing some impromptu decorating in my bathroom. i think after years of being dissatisfied with it, we've finally developed a kinship. it's so cozy and inviting now. i'm finding myself just standing in there for long periods of time for now reason. this afternoon i went in there with a cup of tea and sat on the edge of my bathtub admiring the walls. it gives me extreme satisfaction. except, the new shelf i put up is crooked and that bothers the graphic designer in me a LOT. i considered taking it down and fixing it, but i don't think i should be putting more holes in the wall. so i've accepted the need to ignore it's slant. it's bothersome but not hurting anyone. what i need to get is a level.

this afternoon i volunteered at the soup kitchen for the first time. i was both excited and nervous. it was a lot of fun, we cooked the meal then served it to them buffet style. i was really touched by how polite and consider everyone was, it warmed my heart and gave me a new perspective. i'm on chelsea's meal team, but she's really short volunteers, so if you're interested in helping out once a month talk to her or ask me more about it. i'm glad andrew and shannon were there this week to help teach me the ropes. i think i'll feel less nervous next time, i'm mostly just being stretched outside of my comfort zone, which is ok because i'm helping others.

i'm sold. i wish i wasn't. but i am.

i am cold, waiting for the day to come.

pigmy

the cirque du soleil meets AND exceeds its reputation.

back in the summer rhonda and i made the decision to go to the cirque in ottawa this fall. it was so fun and utterly amazing. we sat in the back row of a large tent referred to as the "grand chapiteau" which holds 2,600 people, and yet still had a great view and didn't feel far from the action. the huge portable "big top" was intimate in spite of it's vast size.

we saw corteo – i encourage you to watch the 30 second video clip on the intro page, it shows up at the top of the page once its fully loaded.

the performances and performers were enchanting. from women dangling from chandeliers to trampoline beds, tight-rope walking to trapeze artists. cirque du soleil IS what the circus was meant to be. it was amazing. one of my favourite elements is when i see all the acrobatics and gymnastics i think "this is exactly what those olympians are training to do!" it's nice seeing all of those skills in use, and it makes it all the more beautiful in context. the final scene involved about 8 high-bars and at several times there were about a dozen men twirling and flipping simultaneously. at that point i leaned over to rhonda and said "the only thing that would make this better is if they all didn't have shirts on..."

seriously, the whole experience was magical. there were a few scenes with these two costume horses – you know the kind that have two people in side? i love costume horses, i think even better than real-live horses, they're frickin hilarious!

i was also extremely impressed by the grand chapiteau, it definitely did NOT feel like we were in the middle of a parking lot beside a mall. it has such a distinct atmosphere inside it that it made you forget everything beyond the walls. all the merchandize was insanely expensive, like i'm talking clothes that cost more than my ticket. but i did treat myself to a cirque du soleil tea cup, it was a decent price and a nice keepsake.

we thoroughly enjoyed the experience and have resolved to do things like that more often.

the next issue of hatch was supposed to be "hatch gets cultured" but due lack of funds we've had to cancel the fall issue and skip to the winter one. i was going to write about corteo, but al said to save it and not blab it all in the blogosphere. i don't know if we're going to ditch the "gets cultured" theme or not, but i think i'll write my story anyways because if i wait i'll forget. besides, it'll be a nice reminder for me to read over later.

things are good my people.

i've got places to be,
but nowhere that i need to go.

ticket

a little bit of empathy can go a long long way.

it didn't go as i had expected, but it never does. so i was pleasantly surprised by then unpredictableness of it.

sometimes i really want to surpass people's expectations of me. i'm convinced i'm capable of much more and find it annoying and frustrating when i'm not able to show that to people around me. sometimes i feel like a loser because the bar is set so low for me. but thankfully the people who know me well grasp my potential. i know that for certain. that's very comforting.

i'm wearing my toque because it's really frickin cold in here. but the heat just kicked on, so that's good. i'm gonna keep wearing it though, it's cozy and comfy.

do you not yearn at all?

rainy

she and i walk the line. to some we are conservative. to others we are liberal. but we are us, and i think we're both ok with being on the fence. i'm not really a fan of such labels anyways.

i liked sewing while watching a movie about football. it felt very contrary and seemed to amplify my femininity.

i think i was too enthusiastic while washing my dishes because i'm drenched. the worst thing about getting splashed with hot water is the progress of it slowly turning into cold water while embedded in my clothes.

i think spell check gives the false impression of being a good speller. whenever it alerts me of a misspelled word, i correct it right away, then i immediately forget that i don't actually know how to spell that word in real life.

you've got too much to wear on your sleeves.