charcoal

i'm currently on my third period after otis. i still find it a drag each month when it arrives, because not having a period for all those months was pretty great. so much so, that i would consider the depo shot or something, that makes it go away for long periods of time. now that i'm retired from baby-having, it feels unnecessary to keep getting a period. but on the other hand, i'm not really comfortable with toying with my hormones, so i'll just have to get reacquainted with it.

anyway, now that i've had two babies, i'm finding that just a diva cup isn't cutting it anymore. especially at night time when i get up to nurse. so i decided to order some lunapads. getting to choose from an assortment of patterns was pretty fun. even though i'll be the only one who enjoys them.

i'm excited about this. after using cloth diapers, i came to love reusable things. if there's a reusable version of something, why get a disposable one!

that said, otis is nearing 6 months, and i'm only just getting into a groove with his cloth diapers. for a while there, we only used cloth at home and disposable out of the house. partly because early on, i was caught several times without proper cloth diaper supplies, and the complication of that was more than i was willing to deal with at the time. especially when eamon was in the hospital, etc. so i'm glad that we're settling into a good cloth diapering routine.

circling around the sun

there is one thing i can be pleased with. something that is exclusively mine. something internal to me, that no one else can share claim to. since otis was born 5 months ago, i've lost 35 lbs. this is extra exciting to me, since i only gained 25 lbs during my pregnancy. which means i'm 10 lbs less than i was before i got pregnant. i didn't get even close to my pre-pregnancy weight with eamon, even after a year! but not even 6 months later, i'm fitting back into pants i wore after eamon was born. AND they're not middle-aged women pants :)

state i'm in

brendan is out tonight at jared's birthday gathering. it seems lately that mostly just write when he's not home. it's not that we spend our time exclusively together, when he is home, but having an empty house helps me pause and think enough to write. i enjoy downloading my thoughts better in privacy.

this weekend i've felt very tired. not physically tired, not emotionally tired. maybe drained is a better word? i don't know. but i'm feeling pretty worn out from parenting. i feel kind of tired of it, like i want a break or some normal time out as an adult. i share this with reluctance, because i don't want to sound like i'm complaining. i know that we are very fortunate to have two healthy, happy little fellas. and i'm so glad and thankful for them. with that said, it feels like i'm getting it from each side. every time i turn around, one of them needs something or is in dire straits (usually otis at the hand of eamon, but sometimes eamon too). it feels unrelenting. i feel like i don't know what i'm doing. and what makes it extra difficult, is that it seems unfamiliar. i have no memories of my parents seeming like they're at their wits-end. they always seemed like they knew what they were doing, or at least if they didn't, i have no specific memories of that. so i can't comfort myself (from experience) with this being normal. even though, i'm sure it is. 

at this point, i'm looking forward to otis learning to sit up and start on solids. and i'm looking forward to eamon learning that despite the fact that "it's easier to say i'm sorry than ask permission", that it's not worth the relationship drama or disruption to life when he's done something self-indulgent.

further to my troubles in parenting, b and i have had a somewhat rocky weekend. now, i should preface this by saying, that sometimes i get super incredibly comfortable that i don't move. so comfortable that i decide not move. most frequently it's my legs. i'm getting close to that right now. but occasionally, it's my mouth. i get so comfortable that i don't want to talk. the way my tongue feels in my mouth. this usually happens before or after sleeping. and it generally super annoys b. it's pretty rare though, maybe once a year. anyway, that happened on friday night, and as a result we had some conflict to resolve on saturday. afterwards he said to me "can you understand how out of character it is for YOU, lesley lorimer, who talks all the time about everything, to not talk!?!?" thankfully that broke some tension and we were able to laugh about it. i've been told before "sometimes you say too much, and sometimes you say too little". that's probably true.

anyway, i don't know if writing this out is much comfort to me. but it's truthful and honest. i don't know how to get the rest or rejuvenation that i'm looking for. maybe it's just a matter of time, and i need to be patient. or maybe i just need to stay up late tonight and enjoy doing stuff i don't normally get to do during the day. enjoy the peace of this space, the heat from our wood stove, the sound of my cat's heavy breathing, this snuggly blanket. some books, some king of the hill episodes, some hot tea. 

it's like a breeze blowing deep beneath my skin.

sunday night soul searching

i've been thinking a little about events and aspects of my life that currently define me. and things that used to, but don't anymore. 

my parents split up when i was ten. but it does not define me. it did at one point, but i feel like a lot of healing has taken place in me and within my relationships with my family members. and now being from "a broken home" more of a trivia fact than a defining experience. 

however, i would say that being raised my a single parent IS a defining experience. i am driven to be competent and capable, which is heavily influenced by having a helpless mom who depended on her kids (despite their young ages) to be her equal partners. although, i don't think this really kicked in until my mid-twenties. my strong desire for competence and capability is a combination of two things. it's like a door that became unlocked by first inserting the key (my family of origin), then turning the key (living alone as a single woman). through these two experiences i learned that i needed to be capable because there was no one else to help me. either i did something myself, or it didn't get done. 

in my early twenties i went through a life-altering break-up. i was changed, my relationship with my family was changed, my understanding of faith was changed, my understanding of relationships (friendships, romantic partners, community) was changed. while the break-up itself is less significant, because with hindsight i can see how misguided i was, and ill-fitting the relationship itself was. the outcome was VERY significant, because i didn't date again (officially) until brendan – 5.5 years later (breaking my 9 year non-stop dating streak). spending the majority of my 20s as a single, independent woman was very defining. 

it's unfortunate that the tail end of my career at bbd was so sour, because being a working professional is another strong and defining experience. it was not so much the work itself, but what i learned about myself, and what it gave me. after said break-up, i went through a very difficult depressive stage in my life (this lasted about a 1.5 years). my self-worth was very low. i was very isolated, having only 2 friends, and lacked the know-how, confidence and opportunities to make more. yet, at one point, i discovered that i was a different person at work. smart, friendly, with something to offer others. people depended on me, people turned to me for help. i was valued. my colleagues cared about me, and built me up (being all 30 years older than me, they each invested in me and loved me in different ways). i went from an apathetic high school student who flew under the radar, to a college kid who found something that made her feel excited enough to make an effort, to a growing and thriving adult who came into her own only to discover she wasn't a dud after all. 

there has been some debate among people who know me well, if i am a myers-briggs 'thinker' or 'feeler'. and i suppose i can understand why. especially after hearing my sister speak today at a seminar, i noticed a few key differences between she and i, that are quite telling. she talked about how she responded to discovering my dad had left. she shared that she fell to the ground in an emotional display, crying out to God. when i heard that, i tried to remember what i did or how i reacted. my experience was very different. i arrived home from school (alone, i don't know where joy was). as soon as i walked into the house, i could feel that something was different. as a result, my eyes went to our buffet cabinet, and the framed photo of joy and me was gone. and i knew that he'd taken it when he left. later, i remember sitting on my mom's lap, with my head against her chest, and i could see her chin quiver as she started to silently cry. i didn't know what to do, so i just sat there. i feel things, i just don't always show what i'm feeling. my feelings, especially my most vulnerable emotions, are very private. i'm not typically a demonstrative feeler. i'm a stone-waller. i'm emotionally reclusive. my feelings are largely unknown to my family (perhaps because they don't ask, but instead expect me just to volunteer). i dunno, maybe that's in response to having a very demonstrative older sister. or maybe i'm just like my father (thank you, prince...). i've been blogging for 12 years, and this is the closest i have ever gotten to writing about that break up and my recovery. a break-up so painful that i've summed it up in the past as a break-up that tore my heart out through my nose. i'm getting way off topic now. i think i'll just wrap this up here.