i've been thinking a little about events and aspects of my life that currently define me. and things that used to, but don't anymore.
my parents split up when i was ten. but it does not define me. it did at one point, but i feel like a lot of healing has taken place in me and within my relationships with my family members. and now being from "a broken home" more of a trivia fact than a defining experience.
however, i would say that being raised my a single parent IS a defining experience. i am driven to be competent and capable, which is heavily influenced by having a helpless mom who depended on her kids (despite their young ages) to be her equal partners. although, i don't think this really kicked in until my mid-twenties. my strong desire for competence and capability is a combination of two things. it's like a door that became unlocked by first inserting the key (my family of origin), then turning the key (living alone as a single woman). through these two experiences i learned that i needed to be capable because there was no one else to help me. either i did something myself, or it didn't get done.
in my early twenties i went through a life-altering break-up. i was changed, my relationship with my family was changed, my understanding of faith was changed, my understanding of relationships (friendships, romantic partners, community) was changed. while the break-up itself is less significant, because with hindsight i can see how misguided i was, and ill-fitting the relationship itself was. the outcome was VERY significant, because i didn't date again (officially) until brendan – 5.5 years later (breaking my 9 year non-stop dating streak). spending the majority of my 20s as a single, independent woman was very defining.
it's unfortunate that the tail end of my career at bbd was so sour, because being a working professional is another strong and defining experience. it was not so much the work itself, but what i learned about myself, and what it gave me. after said break-up, i went through a very difficult depressive stage in my life (this lasted about a 1.5 years). my self-worth was very low. i was very isolated, having only 2 friends, and lacked the know-how, confidence and opportunities to make more. yet, at one point, i discovered that i was a different person at work. smart, friendly, with something to offer others. people depended on me, people turned to me for help. i was valued. my colleagues cared about me, and built me up (being all 30 years older than me, they each invested in me and loved me in different ways). i went from an apathetic high school student who flew under the radar, to a college kid who found something that made her feel excited enough to make an effort, to a growing and thriving adult who came into her own only to discover she wasn't a dud after all.
there has been some debate among people who know me well, if i am a myers-briggs 'thinker' or 'feeler'. and i suppose i can understand why. especially after hearing my sister speak today at a seminar, i noticed a few key differences between she and i, that are quite telling. she talked about how she responded to discovering my dad had left. she shared that she fell to the ground in an emotional display, crying out to God. when i heard that, i tried to remember what i did or how i reacted. my experience was very different. i arrived home from school (alone, i don't know where joy was). as soon as i walked into the house, i could feel that something was different. as a result, my eyes went to our buffet cabinet, and the framed photo of joy and me was gone. and i knew that he'd taken it when he left. later, i remember sitting on my mom's lap, with my head against her chest, and i could see her chin quiver as she started to silently cry. i didn't know what to do, so i just sat there. i feel things, i just don't always show what i'm feeling. my feelings, especially my most vulnerable emotions, are very private. i'm not typically a demonstrative feeler. i'm a stone-waller. i'm emotionally reclusive. my feelings are largely unknown to my family (perhaps because they don't ask, but instead expect me just to volunteer). i dunno, maybe that's in response to having a very demonstrative older sister. or maybe i'm just like my father (thank you, prince...). i've been blogging for 12 years, and this is the closest i have ever gotten to writing about that break up and my recovery. a break-up so painful that i've summed it up in the past as a break-up that tore my heart out through my nose. i'm getting way off topic now. i think i'll just wrap this up here.
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