melt

yay! my desk was raised this morning, it's fabulous. although, i have to admit, i'm pretty exhausted from all the running around – moving my computer to a temporary workstation, then back again. regardless, i think my body will take some time to get used to the physicalness of standing so much. i won't be standing all the time, but i'll definitely be standing far more than i used to. i feel like i've had an active day, which is good. no longer will i be the inactive office worker.

so here's pic the finished product. if you want to see what it looked like before click here for a old photo (i think it was taken in early 2005)

funny story about this photo... it's not staged. i'm kind notorious for taking fake candid photos of myself, but this was the real deal. just after i set the timer on my camera knickers came along and was yaking to me while it secretly took the picture. i was really freaked out and nervous that i was going to get caught. i dunno, there's something about taking photos at work that makes me feel instantly guilty, it seems kinky or something. seriously, i had NO idea how i was going to explain it to her if she spotted the camera in my filing cabinet. i'm sure "i needed a photo for those tuning in from home" wouldn't cut it. haha.

see those wonky ceiling tiles? that's what i used to gaze up at from my chair in deep thought. but now, i can actually see out some windows! wow! i can actually know what the weather is like outside instead of being in a vacuum.

i've had countless (ok, maybe a dozen) people come by to check it out. i'm sure there are some who think it's weird, but for the most part people have been really fascinated and think it's really neat. the health and safety guy thinks it'll start a trend. yup, that's me... "trend-setting lesley". hahaha, not really. i don't think i've ever set a trend before in my life.

after working all afternoon in my new and improved workstation, i'd have to give it an A++. i feel so much more efficient and mobile. it's great.

haha, i've now talked for three consecutive days about my desk. haha.

don't you know that i'll be around to guide you
through your weakest moments to leave them behind you.

inspector gadget

hm, i saw THAT coming. i'm kind of proud of myself actually. i'm getting better at this game.

my work desk is all cleared. i've stacked everything on a table outside my cube with a note that says "lesley's stuff is here on temporary assignment while her cube gets renovated. please don't touch. thanx!" i've heard two people discussing it and wondering what i'm doing. oddly enough they didn't come and ask me. i find that strange, i wonder if i'm unapproachable or something. they start renos tomorrow morning. YAY! it gives me some anxiety seeing my cube all undone like that. i get emotionally attached to things when i've grown accustomed to them. in a way it's dangerous for me to get used to anything. although, i know i'm going to LOVE having my desk raised and i'll be able to arrange things all over again. being in my naked cube was unnerving. frank and i agreed it makes it seem darker and not very homey. it reminds me of moving day or when i repaint a room - bare walls, empty nails jutting out. they start work first thing tomorrow. i hope it's done by noon.

i shrunk my new pants! i shrunk my favourite pants! i turns out they're dry-clean only. i put them on this morning and realized something was terribly wrong. i asked marilyn when i arrived at work if it was noticeable, she said it was. so upsetting! however, we took a look at the hem and decided there was more than enough fabric to have them taken down again. which is kind of annoying because i had them shortened only to now have them let down. oh well, i'm glad they can be salvaged. i was planning on dropping them off on the way home tonight until i remembered i had nothing to change into and i'd have to leave pantless. i figured it was too cold for that.

i have to admit something to you. i feel jealous when i hear of young couples being invited over to older couples houses for dinner. it makes me feel really excluded. i'm certain that if the young couples were not in relationships, they wouldn't be invited over for dinner either. and i know that some day i'll be in a relationship and will get dinner invites and what-have-you, but that doesn't really diminish my current feelings of being a freak. i know i'm not a freak, but stuff like that just makes me feel like the last kid being picked in gym class.

all our ideas hold no water, but we use them like a damn.

grocery bag tussle

at home i have a really tall desk. it makes it so i can either sit or stand while i'm at my computer. for the last 4 years i've been wishing that i had a higher desk at work, so i could stand and not turn into a lethargic lazy bum. too often when i feel tired or low on energy, i know it's a problem that could be fixed with some more activity. it's not so bad in the summer because i get out for a walk at lunch time. i've tried working standing up with my desk at it's current height, and it's simply not possible. i was thinking about it yet again the other day, and verbalized these thoughts to frank. he told me that in fact it IS possible to raise the desk, and a number of the engineers have done so. everyone i mention this to thinks i'm crazy at first, but the more i talk about it, they seem to think it makes some sense. when i was in design school we used drafting tables, which is how i acquired this habit. i've put in a request and they maintenance guys said it will be no problem. they'll probably do it on monday or before. i'm counting down the days. i'm tempted to take a before and after photo. oh i am SO excited that my insides won't continue to be squished sitting all day. who knows, maybe i'll be a few inches taller!

i didn't know you kept track, i didn't know there was a score.
well it looks like your the winner and i ain't gonna play no more.

j-walk

i don't know if he was asking my opinion, but i let him have it anyway. i think he knows me well enough to be expecting it. that's probably why he didn't come right out and ask for it.

i heard what sounded like a laugh or a cackle coming over the walls of my cube. it took sometime for my ears to adjust, for my mind to comprehend, that i was actually overhearing utter despair and devastation upon receiving a phone call saying a loved one had died suddenly.

i drove past the big yellow house yesterday. when i was a kid, there was a lady who lived next door to my school who had this crazy big growth on her neck. and she owned a large snake. she lived in the big yellow house, whenever i see it i wonder if she was in fact real or someone i dreamt up. and if she was real, why did she own a python, and why didn't she get that huge growth checked out?!?! sometimes i have difficulties differentiating between reality and dreams. it's very possible i dreamt her up, maybe thomas would know.

i'll go get into bed and lie awake in the silence. lying straight without moving. lying still without sleeping.

i don't do what you do.

synconized

a lot of thoughts have sojourned thru my mind today. and of these thoughts i will try to select only a few to share with you for sake of time.

we talked a little at living room tonight about one-sided friendships. a number of people mentioned friends of theirs who never ask how their doing, and simply talk about their own problems. whenever i hear people say that, i immediately sting. i'm horribly afraid that i am one of those people. recently i spend an evening with someone who didn't ask a single thing about me, but spent the evening responding to my questions about her. i was left feeling like that was the most bizarre conversation ever, and i worried that i'm guilty of doing that. if i am, please forgive me. i do genuinely care about all my friends, i'm sorry if i dominate conversations with my own problems. i think sometimes i take forgranted that everyone else will volunteer their stories as i do, so perhaps i don't ask often enough. please forgive me if you find i talk to much and monopolize conversations.

over sunday lunch i started to realize how much like my mom i am. joy is very like her in character and tasks, where i'm more like her emotionally and relationally. it was kind of exciting for me to piece that together. i also realized that my mom was the unconventional one in her family, but that got squashed out of her. so although she's pretty conventional now, she gives me a lot of liberties because she understands that part of me.

i drove past my old house on pine street today. they've installed new equipment in the park next door. seeing that made me think of the time i spoted a guy jerking off in the playground and i yelled at him thru our window and he ran away looking completely mortified.

and bless you,
and i deeply do.

knock

i am an engima.
too complex to be understood.
please excuse me.
as i can't even fathom myself.

we heard the tiny clap of little hands.

fifth

good things really do happen out of the blue. why hadn't i noticed before?

during yesterday's first storm of the season, i was struck by two thoughts.
one) how lovely winter is. i think i'm appreciating it for the first time as an adult. i was ready for a change, i love summer, but some of its novelty had worn off. just as i love the open, airiness of summer, i love the cozy and consuminness of winter.
two) i marveled our natural-canadian response to the snow. mid-afternoon i draped myself in my coat and went out to the batmobile (to break the ice-seal forming around the doors), and was fascinated by how normal walking out into the snow and cold felt. it's been about 9 months since our last snow fall, yet stepping into that climate was as natural as anything - as though not a day had gone by. it's pretty incredible. we're an interesting breed, a region who experiences two extremes of weather.

won't someone pull the drain on my brain??

so... what are people eating for breakfast these days? i need to change things up a bit. my morning routine is crumbling and i think changing my breakfast routine would help (as it has in the past). what do you eat? i think that would be helpful.

i like my outfit tonight. i've really been enjoying my clothes lately actually. it makes me feel good about myself. lately it's been kind of a back-and-forth issue lately. but instead of believing my feelings i'm choosing to believe my head. or i'm trying to.

aww, my kitties are just so darn cute!

i have a zit inside my ear. it hurts.

we were never invisible but that i guess we could not see.


ADDENDUM
i just watched the science of sleep. fantastic! i laughed so hard that my mouth did all sorts of crazy things at once.

raise

all it takes is some good dancy music and a little bit of adrenaline to put me on the top of the world.

last night i felt like putting on my old wood earrings. i'd lost one of the sticks in my shag carpet over a year ago, and since then i couldn't find to replace it. however, i took a second look and found one! i'm pleased because i LOVE these earrings, there's just something so awesome and funky about them.

i'm not exactly sure what i'm going to do. but i want to do something. i think it's a lot harder than i anticipated all those years ago. although, i don't think that would have changed my mind. at least i hope not. am i strong enough for the task ahead? we'll see in time, until then i like to think that i am, because i haven't got a choice.

you can't always get what you want,
but if you try sometimes you might find
you get what you need.

girls

i'm glad for signs. no, not even signs, more like clear barricades. nothing is more difficult for me than when something is not going the way i thought it would/should without any clear reason. when something boggles my mind it's completely unbearable, and it just gets progressively worse. but when there's a clear resounding 'NO', or a dead-end, i can turn back round and carry on. it's lovely. it's refreshing.

i weighted myself this morning to find that i was 5 pounds heavier than i was yesterday. oddly enough, i instinctively reached for some toilet paper to blow my nose on as though clearing my sinuses would make me drop those extra pounds. haha. if i had 5 pounds worth of boogers in my system i think there would be something quite seriously wrong! hahaha

you gave me some sound advise, but i wasn't listening.

crash

i have a phobia of accidentally sending an email to the wrong addressee. i wrote my mom a big long email today, and about ten minutes later i got a glimpse of it in my outbox and realized that i'd sent it to rhonda by accident. HAHa. thankfully it was just little r because i didn't say anything overly personal that wouldn't normally tell her anyway.

i was just making my tomato and fennel salad for a dinner party i'm going to after work tomorrow with my workmates. when i was finished i poured it all into a large serving bowl. when i lived with melinda, she would often eat out of that bowl, i always commented on it, but it wasn't until about a year later that she realized it was a serving bowl and not a dinner bowl. hahaha, i remembered that as i took it down from the cupboard and it made me giggle.

things went well today. work was good, i was comfy and had plenty to do. my headlight fell out again, but i think i've got it back in proper-like. i've put on about 5 to 10 pounds, and i need to make a decided effort to shed them before they turn into 15 or 20. i've been forcing myself to do 30 minutes on my elliptical 4 times a week, and i must confess.... i HATE IT! it's SO hard and i feel like i'm dying. it's exhausting, i push myself really hard. BUT hopefully if i preserver i'll lose the weight in no time and no longer have to endure such self-inflicted torture.

it took so much effort not to make an effort.

irregardless

i crazy-glued my head-light back in place. and so far it's holding ok.

i went to the goat after church today. i'd run some errands and then arrived there to have a cup of tea and read my book. that's the second day in a row i'd gone to the goat, i don't know how much of that was a result of the fact that my apartment was a bit of a dump and i was escaping it, or simply i felt like being out and about. when i arrived every single table was taken, so i resorted to the side bar thingy. it made remember a sad story beckie had told me once, and it made me wonder if those stools were reserved for pathetic parties of one. although, i didn't feel pathetic. i placed my vest on an empty stool, and asked the fellow next to me "is anyone sitting here?" he was very friendly and told me "no.... how are you today??" i told him i was good and asked how he was. i felt encouraged by this friendly exchanged, and went to order my snack. when i got back to the side bar, my new acquaintance had left, but that was alright, more room for me. i was delighted to discover that i actually really liked the side bar, it's very high, and seeing as i like to sit close to my food, and i had a wall to prop my book up against, it worked out ideally. i kind of wish i'd been forced to sit there before! i felt good, and comfy, and uninhibited. i guess i was always just too intimidated to sit there, it draws attention to my aloneness. however, i resolve to listen to the advise i'd give to other people. what would i tell me? do i believe the words of encouragement i give to others? i do, so i should buck up. take heart. it'll be ok. it's temporary, this too shall pass.

the highlight of my day is finding a gift for david and sending it in the mail. it's something he's been looking for for a while, and i know he'll be totally thrilled. and knowing that makes me totally thrilled. i also gave jordin her mixed cd, which i forgot to take with me to living room so thankfully she was able to come home with me to pick it up afterwards. i really like giving people gifts of things i think they'll really like.

i want to apologize if i talk too much about being single over the next little while. it's really on my mind, and something i would like to change. i know not all of you can relate exactly, but i hope you can understand what it's like to have to wait for something, to have to trust and hope, while staying objective and sensible. i could take the approach of not divulging these details, but i'd rather be transparent about it. i'd like you to journey with me. because in the end, you'll be able to truly celebrate with me. since in life, we're never actually an island, we're all in this together.

soon it will be hammered into what she calls her silly head,
that she really isn't silly but she's beautiful instead.

avatar goggles

you'll never believe this, but my car fell victim to a hit + run tonight. some guy backed into it while i was parked at rhonda's and then sped off! i heard something and saw some car lights while i sat on her couch, when i looked out the window i saw him stop then drive off. there doesn't seem to be much damage. the side head-light is dislodged, it looks like an eye-ball hanging out, but other than that it seems to be ok. i realize my batmobile isn't worth much, but it's been a good little car to me and i'm not happy about it being treated so badly. a hit and run was uncalled for. for goodness sakes, they could have at least got out to look at the damage and apologize. what a chicken. i THINK i've managed to reattach the headlight – it still works properly – but i'll be able to get a better look in the morning.

tracy and i went to the santa claus parade tonight, and rhonda, isaac and rhonda's friend tess joined us a little later. it was cold, and we waited over an hour before it passed us in front of the goat. but it was alright. the parade has improved drastically since i was last there 10 years ago. this may sound harsh to some or most of you, but i hate santa. when i have children, i'm going to try my hardest to emphasize the whole st. nick aspect of santa, because that's a really beautiful tale. he wasn't about commercialism, he was about meeting real needs! for example, he would provide dowries for girls from large families so they wouldn't be forced into prostitution! that's amazing, what a nice guy! i looked santa claus up on wikipedia the other day, and found the european/middle eastern take on him much more appealing. i especially liked the swedish father christmas who rides around on the back of a goat. heehee.

pray for peace people everywhere.

history

fate cannot be tempted, but i wonder if it can be dared.

i have some exciting news (kind of). i've asked my sister if i can be there during her delivery. she agreed and seemed sort of reluctant. joy is very regular, so it would never occur to her to want to be at someone else's birth. but when i explained my reasons and stuff, she was perfectly fine with it. so that'll be neat. i'm really looking forward to it now. i'm excited about being there when my nephew takes his first breaths.

EXTREMELY exciting news. after almost 2 months my refrigerator has been fixed. no more MMMRRRRRRRRRRRR, SHREEEEEEEEEEE, MMMMRRRRRRRR. you could even hear it outside from the street when the windows were closed. i'm enjoying the peace and quiet.

oh my goodness, i'm FREAKIN' tired. when it gets to this time of night and staying awake is making me physically ill, i think that's the sign that i should retire for the evening, into the comforts of my single bed. did i tell you i'm thinking about getting a new bed? it'll still be a twin, it makes the most logical sense space wise and stuff. but i want a REAL bed, that i purchased, that isn't a hand-me-down from a my mom's friend's daughter. i want a head-board and everything, and not one made out of particle board. real wood.

i'm refusing to multi-task anymore. well at least temporarily. i'll just focus on the task at hand and no more. the rest can wait... for a little while.

the sun will start later, and clock out early.

niche

i am:
• refusing to put out the garbage tonight because i can't be bothered.
• really very tired, and should be in bed right now.
• extremely glad that i skipped watching grey's anatomy tonight to hangout with terrence and helen.
• really delighted with the earrings helen made for me tonight. they're very beautiful.
• proud to be a graphic designer.
• wondering what's taking the mail so long.
• far too impulsive, but will just learn to live with it.
• skilled at pretending that i'm paying attention when i'm not.
• honored.
• looking forward to seeing you.
• relieved all that is behind me.
• hopeful without urgency.
• wishing i'd checked my voicemail before going out tonight.


i am not:
• punctual.
• afraid of needles.
• lonely or lonesome.
• very good at painting.
• happy i stepped in a cold puddle.
• remembering to water my indoor plants.
• above admitting that i'm wrong.
• 28.
• going to quit.
• flossing as regularly as i should.
• a morning person.
• a picky eater.
• worried.

soon you'll get it done on the right side.

silence

i got the YFC newsletter put together in record time. and i have adobe indesign to thank. it's fantastic, and perhaps a mini-miracle-maker, considering i had to build the file over from scratch. i feel like screaming out "adobe indesign... where have you been all my life!?!?" together we conquer deadlines, obliterate numeric scaling, and wage war on quark xpress in general. ah yes, t'was another successful day in design land. you know what i realized today? i spend (sometimes) up to 14 hours a day in front of a computer (perhaps sometimes more), and i never get tired of it. although part of me finds that a little sick, the other part of me is pleased that i'm that easily satisfied by my work. if only i had indesign at work, then my life would be complete :p it's only a matter of time....

last night i didn't sleep very well, and i don't suppose i will tonight either. whenever i'm doing design work at home i really should quit at 9 pm (or 9:30) if i want my brain out of work-mode and into sleep mode by bed time. last night i dreamt that honey had ringworm again. that was gross and unpleasant. oh super, and now i'm sharing that thought with you. isn't that nice of me to spread the disgust?

i wish that someone would fill in the gaps in my reality.

the revolution will not be televised.

refrigerator

mark my words people... i will be to blame for my own misery. sometimes it's like i'm fighting against myself, i seem (without my own consent) to take my own life and shake it for all it's worth, and then expect it to function properly. WHY, WHY, WHY, do i do this to myself?!?!? HAHAHAHA, i'm so ridiculous that it's laughable. well at least i can laugh. i read in an article last week that said a self-deprecating sense of humour is a sign of a self-aware person. if i'm alone for the rest of my life, it'll be because i can't tell when someone is hitting on me. do you think that's a learning disability? could i be compensated for that by the government or something? it's just ironic, seeing as i've been boo-hooing over being single, then a nice quality guy comes along and i blow him off because i'm too dense to realize what is actually happening. haha, like come on?!?!

you know... i've really been enjoying my kitties lately. i've always liked them, i'm fond of them, but i think i'm growing attached to them. which is nice.

hey, have you ever been so speechless that you are also thoughtless? thoughtless in the sense that you simply are incapable of forming any thoughts? that happened to me yesterday. my mind was completely blown.

i got more faults than the state of california,
and my heart is a badly built bridge.
seems the most i have to offer
doesn't offer much,
make it something somebody can use.

candid

we tell secrets.

looking towards the future,
we were begging for the past.
well we knew we had the good things,
but those never seemed to last.
oh please just last.

calamine lotion

my balcony garden has gone to bed for the season. i've packed everything up, torn out my lovely plants, piled high the bricks, and taken the pots inside. my once homey and beautiful balcony is now desolate and barren. but that's ok, everything is stored and safe in anticipation for the coming winter, and next spring i'll pull them all out and arrange them once again. the best thing about winter is starting over afterwards.

i'm going increasingly suspicious that i may be invisible.

today is remembrance day. my grandpa mcknight fought in world war one (he was born in 1897), and my other grandpa (who i think of as just my grandpa without having to classify him as "grandpa mckinnion") was a firefighter in world war two. for years i wondered why that was, why didn't he fight? they lived in england, so i didn't really get the chance to ask. after his funeral, my grandma and i sat around looking at old photos, and there were pictures of him in the "fire brigade", meanwhile there were photos of his twin brother in the airforce. i asked my grandma why he was a fireman and not a solider. she told me he was a conscientious objector. i think that's awesome, and i'm so proud of him for taking a stand for something he believed in. my grandpa lived until a week after his 90th birthday (he died on christmas eve 2001), meanwhile his identical-twin brother died of cancer in his 60s. i can't help but wonder if it was somehow related to the war. they're genetic make-up was identical, and yet one developed cancer and the other didn't. was uncle johnny exposed to radiation or something when he was fighting that my grandpa wasn't? during ww1, my grandpa mcknight at one point was stationed in england. he'd come down sick with something, so he couldn't join his platoon when they went over to france. they all died, if he'd gone with them he would have died too. i'm completed amazed by the fact that because he was sick, there have been 4 generations of mcknights. about 40 people have that to thank. wow, life is random and so detailed, filled with domino effects we can't fathom.

i have read the right books to interpret your looks.

sq. ft.

oh my goodness, it's -9º outside (with the windchill), no wonder i was frickin cold when sarah and i drove home tonight.

sometimes i think it's too bad we only get one shot at life. earlier this evening i was at aphra's birthday party, and she has two pet birds. they were quite fascinating, and it made me think having a pet bird would be really neat. they are more interesting and more low-maintenance than fish. but i really like my cats, and i can't see myself opting for a bird over a cat down the road when on the market for new pets. myron said i could have both. perhaps he's right, but i don't think i have room for a birdcage right now. but i'm serious, i wish we had more than one go at life, because there's a lot of things and experiences i'd like to have had – places lived, professions studied, summer jobs, relationships with grandparents/other family members – but really, we can't always have it all ways. i know there are other desires that will come with time, we can't have everything at once, and it's ok to leave those other things (like dreadlocks) to down the road when it's more appropriate.

i sent you something in the mail. it'll be there in 5 to 7 business days.

i woke up this morning feeling like a load of bricks. and i realized, i'm simply a bad-waker-upper. it doesn't matter how many hours i sleep, or at what time i went to bed (mind you it was after 2 a.m.) i still feel exhausted when i wake up. i really liked staying in all day today and not rushing, but it's also kind of annoying that on my ONE free day of the week i just spend it at home instead of downtown. and it's worse now, because daylight is so limited, and i didn't have time to pluck my plants in preparation for winter, i guess that'll have to wait til next weekend, unless i find some time tomorrow.

i hope you're well.

i want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real".

triumph

i like to stagger my disappointments. you know, so they don't all hit me all at once. as a result, i'm feeling optimistic about my plan. my pms is done now so i expect my optimism to last a little while. instead i just have wicked cramps. seriously, at work today i was in so much pain that i felt like i was dying. i'm extremely over-dramatic, but i think it suits me.

someone at work made a comment that i can sometimes be abrupt. this surprised me because i really do put an effort into curbing my annoyance when someone interrupts me when i'm in the middle of doing something. isn't it interesting how the way we perceive ourselves is different to how others perceive us. however, now that this has been brought to my attention i'll make more of an effort. i'm also trying to improve my posture. i've never had great posture, but i improved it twofold near the end of college. but it's still not great. i'm finding my back is hurting when i slouch, so i need to stand up straighter. this is different to when i "slouch" on a couch. couch-slouching. that has got to stay. it's too signature lesley to part with.

i ease us back into traffic.

fold

i'm getting unbelievably tired of taking care of myself. and i'm starting to rebel. as a result i'm slipping into old slobby habits which just make me feel miserable. i'm disgusted by my house, but i don't have the desire to do anything about it. i'm incredibility annoyed at myself for striping my bed this morning before dropping off my laundry at the laundromat, because now i have to put some sheets on my bed and it's delaying me from getting inside it. i think i'm actually procrastinating by writing this entry.

on a less grumpy tone, i came up with the clever plan of keeping an emergency 5 dollars in my desk. i've hidden it inside my second drawer for the odd occasion that i forget my lunch. it's in an envelope labeled "emergency fund". i'm hoping by hiding it i'll forget it's there and won't be tempted to dip into when i have a chocolate emergency or something. i have a drawer full of cookies and crackers, so that should be enough to feed any chocolate impulses. but ya, the emergency fund will prevent future frustration, i'm rather pleased with myself, it's a clever plan.

believe it or not, i really did have a good day. maybe i have an odd way of showing it. or my balloon just gets popped easily. or i'm still pmsing so my moods swing like an axe.

please excuse me, my single bed is waiting to be made. yup, my single bed. my single bed. all i have to say is that it really sux ass.

new words for old desires.

rolodex

i just got home from the weakerthans concert. it was really fun. a big group of us went. ok well if you consider 6 people a big group then it was big. unintentionally, it turned out to be a small cross-section of storytellers anonymous people. al gave me a baggy full of buttons he made. they're really cool, i think he's completely blown my concept of button design out of the water. i'm totally set for cool buttons for the next eon.

i took a nap after from work, i didn't want to get tired at the concert or feel tired tomorrow from being sleep deprived. so i got into bed right when i arrived home at 5, i layed there in the dark for at least a half an hour before i fell asleep. i slept til 8. it wasn't a deep sleep, but it was restful. i think i may have even reached REM sleep.

i like to buy cds at concerts. i rarely buy cds, so i try to make it a policy to purchase them at concerts. because if i like the band enough to see them in concert then it's a safe bet i'll like their new cd, AND it makes the fact that i already downloaded a lot of their music obsolete, AND at 15 bux its a total bargain. when i pulled my new cd out of my vest pocket, i found that on the back they had a little cartoon of the b12, which was one the first snowmobile ever made. and of course, is a bombardier. check that out, isn't it hilarious!

after some serious reflection, i came to an important decision today. i am first and foremost a graphic designer, and secondly a bombardier employee. i'm afraid they're going to try and push me up the corporate ladder in directions i don't want to go. i think i need to make it clear that i'll leave bombardier before i leave design, because all these career goals they're trying to set for me are not what i have in mind. i think knickers is trying to "mentor" me in the only way she knows how, but if i start to clearly direct my own path i think she'd be happy with that. it'll pay to assert myself.

yup, i think my nap did the trick. i'm completely wired. but i suppose if i get into bed like i did at 5:00 earlier today, i'll eventually fall asleep. being in bed is restful even if i'm awake.

i'm unconsoled,
i'm lonely,
i am so much better than i used to be.

squeeze

what is time? it's this crazy bizarre unactual thing, that you couldn't actually produce to save your life. and yet you can see the effects of time. yesterday we all moved our clocks back one hour because the powers that be told us to. so now all of a sudden what was 10:53 last week is 9:53. how real can something be if it can altered if we all agree. how can this be? we wouldn't change the name of a colour (all of a sudden black is blue) just because we all agreed to. this only further confirms my belief that time is not real. it's a man-made structure. this seems to be two streams of thought when it comes to time: 1) time is to be obeyed. 2) time is a guideline, but not the bottom-line. obviously i'm of the second stream, but i'm forced to live by stream one, as most people are. at work i have two mentors, they have opposing opinions of time, and ultimately i have to conform to the one of my boss (which is time is to be obeyed). but honestly, i get so frustrated when people get so consumed by conforming to time that they don't stop to care about people. because ultimately, people and having relationships with them is the important thing. extremely punctual people unnerve me. i think it's good to be on-time, but it fails to be effective when relationships and people suffer as a result. being late is also not good, not because the deadline of time is so imperative. but because of the relationships depending on us. the other day i was a half-hour late for helping melissa rake her yard. she is a very gracious person so she told me it was ok, and it worked out alright because rhonda was there helping her. but if she'd been depending on me, that could have really hurt her, or had some repercussions. so i guess what i'm saying is, people are what matters, not the north-american application of time.

i was so disoriented this morning when i woke up. it turns out that i accidentally set my microwave to the time on my alarm clock (which is about 10 minutes fast – give or take a few minutes i'm not very exact about these things). so when i got up, i was all freaked out because i was late, and i couldn't figure out how that happened. then to make matters worse, i haven't bothered changing my other clocks, so i had to just disregard those ones completely. those clocks have hands (as opposed to digital) so they're not very accurate. the clock in my car is busted and i don't wear a watch. the clocks i passed on the way to work may or may not have been changed already, so i basically arrived to work without actually knowing what time it was. in all the confusion i managed to forget my lunch vehicle with the spaghetti lunch in it that i cooked this morning. SO, i'd wasted the time cooking in the morning, AND it was spoiled because i left it on the kitchen table all day.

when i reached into my backseat to retrieve my lunch vehicle, and discovered it was gone, i had a wave of despair. but then i told myself that i was not going to let that incident snowball into a crappy day. that seemed to do the trick. and when i went out on my (30-minute) lunch break to the closest almost-town to get some food, i quite enjoyed myself.

sometimes i feel like the whole world is on the other side of a dirty windshield.
and i'm tryin to see through the glare,
yes i'm struggling just to see what's there.

misfit

i sat on a stump in rhonda's backyard this afternoon while she was raking, and cried as i rambled on to her. she listened compassionately and would occasionally interject with "i don't know what to tell you". i assured her that was ok, there's really nothing anyone can say. there are no words of comfort. i'd run out of church a couple minutes before it finished, i was upset, and before i reached my car, the tears were sneaking out of my eyes. i drove straight to rhonda's, i intended to just pick up my knitting bag that i'd forgotten there yesterday, then go home to isolate myself for the rest of the day. but she was there when i arrived, and that was probably just what i needed.

things have changed a lot in the last 3.5 years. i've come a long way. i'm glad for my transformation. i'm glad things didn't happen the way i'd wanted them to, but i think i'm better off. my reasons have changed. and so have my motives. i feel good. i feel healthy and yet somehow i feel more powerless than ever. i ran the race, i rose to the challenge, i climbed to the summit, and i'm left feeling "now what?" i don't know where to go from here. the boat set sail without me, i'm sad even though i didn't have a ticket.

i finished my sox. i've started on another pair. i'm using thick needles and thicker yarn this time. i'm thinking/hoping i'll be able to crank these two out. i really enjoy wearing my knitted sox. mind you, these won't be as awesome because they're just plain lime green as opposed to my striped sox.

this is the off week for living room, so i'm just chilling out at home this evening. i'd intended to tidy, do some stuff around the house, have some fun at home. but sometimes things change unexpectedly.

still it's sunday morning,
i miss you the most.

gold

someone actually had to audacity today to say they'd like to see me settle and happy. at first that sounds nice, until realizing the implication that i am unsettled and unhappy. which is actually far from the truth. it got me so angry i could scream, how dare that person belittle me in that way. no wonder i'm so defensive, i'm always having to prove that i'm content, it's not assumed. as i drove home, i steamed over this. i instinctively felt i should just push those feelings away, that it was wrong of me to feel indignant about it. but then i thought "no, that was rude and hurtful of that person. i am legitimately angry over this, and i'll ride it out until i'm over being upset about it". too often i feel unentitled of being angry, but that's wrong. sometimes people do or say inappropriate things, and being angry or upset about it is legitimate. i did confront the person about it, so it's not like i'm just stewing in resentment. and i think that was the right thing to do. you can't expect someone to abide by boundaries if you don't indicate where the lines are.

just for the record, i am a very settled and very happy person. i am complete in my being. not like YOU didn't know that, you're clever enough to put two-and-two together, but just thought i'd say it explicitly to be safe. and because i'll have to keep reassuring myself of this to repair the damage done by someone not thinking.

sometimes i learn things that i wish i hadn't.

i hear everybody that you know is more relevant than everybody that i know.