overhead

every year, i go to 'glen' my accountant to have my taxes done. it's always really straightforward and he's really quite amusing. but last year, with two of us instead of one, it cost twice as much to get our taxes done. since we're in penny pinching mode we decided that we could buy tax software and do it ourselves for a quarter of the cost. so when we discovered we had everything we needed to do file our taxes, i set to work last evening. unfortunately, the software only works on a PC. i looked when i bought it but didn't see anything about software requirements, and one of the computer windows was a mac, so i assumed that meant it would work on mine - it didn't. thankfully b's network is a PC so i transferred the files onto his cd-driveless computer with a USB stick and was good to go. it definitely took longer than it does with the accountant (which only takes 15 minutes), but it was very straightforward and i was even able to watch an episode of the wire while i inputted all our data. we are extremely grateful to discover that our tax return will cover the cost of our upstairs renovations (when added to our already saved funds). this is a relief. our pickle from yesterday is much smaller than projected, in fact it may not even be a pickle at all :)

we got another note from fang yesterday telling us that "the sewer is backed up". not knowing what that means, b went up to check things out. it seems they've somehow clogged both their sinks (kitchen and bathroom) and their bathtub. how they did that is a mystery, but apparently it's happened before. shesh. i called our plumber today and he's going to go by tomorrow or friday.

i'm feeling quite keen to get in there and get started. to come up with a game plan and get going with this project. i think i'm significantly more excited about it than brendan, but i know he'll get into the swing of things and enjoy it too :) to be fair, he is in school right now. but i don't think home improvements are as fun for him as they are for me. probably the difference between hobby and career.

part of me thinks i was worried yesterday for nothing. but the other part of me thinks had i not been worried i wouldn't have filed our taxes so early and wouldn't have the financial forecast we have now. you know? i guess it was a good motivator.

 

remember spring swaps snow for leaves.

sewer

each year i get eczema on my eyelids. my old doctor once told me it was just a rash, but it wasn't. or at least it didn't start that way. my eyelids get itchy and inflammed. it unpleasant. so yesterday i did a search online for natural remedies for eczema and found a list of 7 oils and treatments. when i got to shoppers the main two i was looking for were not there, but i did fine tea tree oil and knew that was one that was listed. AND it was on sale from $13 to just $4 :D so when i got hope i busted it open and got a qtip and dabbed it on my lids. unfortunately, i didn't expect it to be so fluid (i guess i thought it would be more like olive oil - slow moving with substance). it was really quite runny and within seconds the potently, strong smelling tea tree oil had gone into my eye. i was calling to brendan "it burns, it burns!", and he would call back "that means it's working". "no!" i said "it's IN my eye, not on my eyelid!!" i managed to flush it out, but still felt rather idiotic about the whole ordeal. however later in the evening i did find that the inflammation and the itch had deminished so i was not fully prepared to write it off completely. today i did some more research. it turns out that tea tree oil is actually extremely dangerous if consumed, and can seriously damage your eye if large amounts go in. yikes! thankfully i came across a site that gave instructions on how to make a salve to blend olive oil and tea tree oil. which is good since olive oil leaves my skin nice and moist. PLUS it will keep the tea tree from running. man oh man, sometimes i'm not the brightest.

now that fang and xi are abruptly leaving we're in a bit of a pickle. i'm super glad they're leaving and there are many advantages to that, but unfortunately there are also downsides. i need to remind myself that renting vs owning is like comparing apples and oranges. bren keeps telling me that the first year of a move is the most expensive and things will even out. i know she's right, it's just hard for me sometimes when i feel lost in a maze with no end in sight.

 

plant your hope with good seeds.

fluorescent pee

woohoo!!! fang and xi are moving out this weekend! they just gave us 5 days notice, which is totally not legal but we don't care!

 

it's both scary and exciting. we're thrilled to be rid of them, but having to prepare ourselves to do renovations with such short notice and before we've had enough time to save the full amount is a bit rough. BUT it'll all work out and i kind of like this sudden change of plans.

 

i'm now on deck for a week of vacation in a fortnight. super short notice but it's kind of delightful.

 

our main project for the week will be replacing the floors. frank says its super easy and he's even going to come over and help us with the first floor to teach us how to do it.

 

our house...

was our castle and our keep.

acrid

being winter and all, our bed is very chilly when i get into it at night. it warms up but it's uninviting when i first crawl in. the worst thing is when i've finally got a spot warmed up and b gets into bed and i have to move over to make room for him. which lands me back in a cold spot. i decided i wanted to get an electric blanket to just warm the bed up for when i get in, so on saturday i went to get one, but unfortunately they're all out of stock. or at least the ones in my price range are all gone. i was pretty disappointed by this, but i thought back to when i was little. whenever we went to england to visit my grandparents, joy and i would have to sleep on clots in their dining room. my grandma would always give us both hot water bottles (i think they even had cute covers that looked like sheep or something) to keep us warm. so i decided to give it a try because of my lack of e-blanket, and so far it's working great! i'm really pleased AND it cost me nothing AND it won't increase our hydro bill. man, why was i such a sucker falling for new technology before even giving an old faithful approach a try. this is excellent. in general i always feel a longing for that which is most simple.

its funny because i dreamt of my grandma last night. i think it's because of the hot water bottle. it made me miss her in a way i would never have expected.

can't get by on just crabapples.

independence

so last saturday, b and i visited the rock and roll hall of fame. it's a pretty amazing place and an extremely well done museum. so far we consider it and the guinness store house our two favourite museums visited together.

the building was designed by architect i.m. pei – who designed the pyramid at the lourve in paris. the hall of fame resembles the lourve because it too had a pyramid incorporated into it's design, only it's just a half pyramid. it's located right on the shore of lake erie, which means when you look out the large windows you can see the water lapping up against it's north-western facade.

the main lobby area contains a lot of props from music videos and concert sets. it's got these mini cars from a U2 tour, the big W from weezer, a hot dog car from phish, and the gwen and moby signs from their collaborative music video. in the same open space, only 3 levels up is all the gear from pink floyd's 'the wall'.

when we paid our admission we also bought tickets to a 3D movie of a U2 concert. it was about an hour and a half and showcased their performance in buenos aires during their vertigo tour. in all honestly, it was the best 3D we'd ever seen. it really felt like we were right there. they did an incredible job with it. we really enjoyed it, but i did feel a bit antsy to get going and see the rest of the museum.

it may be hard to believe, but i can completely unbiasedly say that brendan is the best person in the world to visit the rock and roll hall of fame with. while i knew who a lot of the people featured were, a lot of the content was still above my head, but brendan was able to explain everything to me. not only does he have a deep love for music, he also has a deep love of music history. everywhere we went there he was constantly saying "oh man, oh man". it was so funny. it was like he was going to faint any second. it was mostly the guitars that had him glowing. muddy waters, duane allman, and many many 1959 gibson les pauls. he felt really torn in seeing those guitars because it was both amazing and yet almost sacrilegious to have them in glass cases instead of being played.

my favourite guitar was the ani difranco accoustic featured in the 'women who rock' teaser section beside sue tedeschi's electric. after visiting the 'women who rock' exhibit i found it a bit disappointing that these two incredibly talented and strong women in the music industry only had one guitar shown each and no official tribute in the actual exhibit – meanwhile britney spears and carrie underwood did. one criticism that b had of the hall of fame is that many of their installments are extremely questionable for a rock museum. but in truth, it seems to me that it's slowly morphing into a music hall of fame rather than just rock.

they don't permit photos so we don't have a lot to show of our time there. from what we understand it's because everything on display is on loan from the individual or their estate, and so they can't permit photography of things they don't own. i dunno. it's ok though, it just mean we were more present in drinking everything in. it was quite the experience :)

wake up but keep dreaming that you were meant to fly.

euclid

she told me i look like the mona lisa.
in that photo.
i think it's the smile.

we went to the cleveland museum of art on sunday. it was free and it was art, so it was a must. we walked thru the large rooms with high ceilings, carefully walking on the wooden floors. it was the first real art museum we'd been to together. and to be truthful, i wasn't sure if it would interest b. but we both loved it. there was a really great selection and i liked how from even from a distance i could identify the artist of most pieces. it harkened me back to my days of art history - my favourite class in college. as we left brendan summarized our time there wonderfully. he articulated it in a way that i've never been able to. he said "i like art museums because they make you feel" (the proverbial you). we're both feelers, so this appeals to us a great deal. it's true, the art we saw, it envoked a response in us. i can't really describe it other than it made us feel. i look forward to many more museums in our future.

at school this week, b was telling his classmate about our time in cleveland. visiting the rock and roll hall of fame and the art museum. she asked him "does lesley like those things?" and he said "yes, that's why i married her". it wasn't until that moment that i realized that not everyone appreciates history, or spending their time exploring it. sometimes i forget exactly well suited b and i are. it's easy to take that forgranted.

 

and though the holes were rather small
they had to count them all.

vertical

well, there is still much to tell you about our trip to cleveland, and i will get to that. soon. probably.

what has gripped my excitement today is that i've been asked to take on a student who is looking for a placement as part of her graphic design diploma at humber college this spring. the timing of this is quite interesting since only yesterday i was pondering if i would consider taking on student interns now that it's up to me. the knickers HATED student interns and summer students. it was never even a question before. but now that i'm kind of like a free agent (without a boss on site) this gives me the ability to decide for myself. so i have accepted this challenge - along with Frank of course. We'll both work with her, but she'll mostly be my responsibility. i'm pretty excited because i really want to plan something for her that will really be beneficial and worth her time. i want for her to leave here feeling better equipped and better prepared for her new career. my placement was a bit dull, and while it wasn't bad it wasn't great either. i've had my fair share of boring jobs and internships that i feel able to come up with something that will really help her.

the girl, i think her name is jodie, is the daughter of an engineer at my work. he's going to bring her by on friday to meet frank and me. hopefully then we can exchange emails and in the coming months dialogue about what her goals and objectives are - what she would like to get out of this experience, etc. i'm also pleased because this will be a good and short-term opportunity for me to develop my leadership and mentoring skills. i've never managed anyone before. this will be a good chance to get my feet wet. i almost want to ask her to evaluate me at the end too :p

i'm feeling much better about the idea of managing parenting and working in the future. in fact, i'm on one of those upswings that makes it seem ridiculously easy. i know it won't be, but it's nice not feeling afraid of that, but instead feeling kind of excited.

brendan was in daycare full time as a kid and has really fond memories of it. i like hearing his stories from those days. my favourite one recently was how he loved bread crusts so much as a kid that he even convinced other kids at the daycare to start eating it. haha. what a guy. did i ever tell you that he went to the same daycare that i worked at? thankfully not at the same time, but close! i was 17 when i got that job, which would've put him at 8. joy had that job before me, and it turns out she actually WAS one of his teachers. haha. so funny. i like that b and i both got to experience bay park children's centre in a very tangible way. on the drive home the other night we were swopping stories of some of the teachers there.

 

my chia her garden has died :( i guess that window doesn't get as much sunlight as i thought. i need to come up with a plan B.

 

get over your hill and see
what you find there.

chagrin

lately, not in great depth or anything, i've been feeling a little conflicted. it reminds me a little of something rach was writing about recently about having a dream for doing something different with her life in the future and (forgive me if i don't explain this very well, rach) the discomfort she feels with not being able to pursue her passion now while simultaneously living out another passion (raising her children).

i tried to talking to brendan about this just now, but it didn't go very well because i can't sort out my feelings very well thru talking and i wasn't making any sense. plus he couldn't relate. 

i feel really torn when i think about my desires for the future. this week i have to set my 2012 objectives with emma, while at the same time provide a summary of where i want my career to go. i like my job, i like how it's evolved in the last 8 years and i like where it seems to be going, but it's not all i want in life. 

i don't really know how to explain this, so i have a strange analogy... when i was little for one reason or another (i can't remember the specifics) i had $30. over a short period of time i kept coming across options of things to buy and ways of spending that money. i remember being at a book store with my mom asking if i could by something and she said i didn't have any money with me (i was about seven years old) and i said to her "i have money at home". before i knew it i'd spent all of my money. no matter what i came across i kept thinking i had $30, but slowly i whittled it away and in the end didn't really have anything to show for it. 

i had difficulty keeping my spending in context. to remember that i didn't have an endless supply of $30 and that i couldn't simultaneously buy a bookmark and an candy without depleting my savings. 

so how does this relate? i have difficulty with the spacial reality of the future. it's not that i forget that i don't have an endless supply of time, but rather that i can't spend my time two different ways. there is only 24 hours in a day and those hours can only be spent one way at a time.

rach recently also wrote a blog entry about homeschooling. while i've never seen my self as a homeschooler she wrote about it in such a lovely way that it inspired a desire to go down that avenue. but the reality is that i can't both have a fulfilling full-time career and a stay-at-home mom who teaches her children full time. it makes me feel so frustrated that my career is not flexible (like some women who's hours can be cut back) and that it's not financially viable. i realize that someday brendan will be employed, but we don't know what that will look like. who knows, life might surprise us, but for right now i've got to go with the facts as they are and not with what they could be in a surprisingly good best-case scenario. besides, it's really not about brendan at all. it's about the choice that i will have to make between work and mothering (not like this is even remotely in the near future - we don't plan to have kids before late 2014) and the pressure i feel from both myself and my environment. i know a shockingly low number of full-time working moms. i find sarah really inspiring and i often think of her as a good example of work-life balance. but i envy her that her mom provides her full-time childcare and i don't think that's an option for me. i'm sure that nancy would LOVE to provide us with childcare but she'd still be far from retirement by the time we have kids that that wouldn't be an option. so anyways, i do feel a lot of social pressure from my surroundings and feel i will come up short by appearing to choose my career over my family. i do have friends, at least one in particular, who voluntarily choose to live below the poverty line so they can full-time parent their children. will i seem materialistic or money-driven if we chose to not make that sacrifice? 

man, that was a bit of a tangent because this isn't even solely about having kids. being here in cleveland has made me think about what it would be like if we picked up and moved here, or any other place for that matter. what life are we missing out on by remaining in the city we grew up in? i'd love to have a job downtown that i could walk to, or totally change careers, or grow all my own produce, or take up surfing, or have really big and wild hair. maybe some awesome tat-sleeves.

i dunno. to me this seems like the same-old same-old problem i've always had. maybe it smacks of 'grass is always greener'. i suppose we'll need to thoughtfully and prayerfully make decisions as we face them and trust that they are the best choices for the circumstances we're in. it's just the thought of looking back and regretting the choices i make is too much for me to stomach. i've only got one shot at it and it makes me ill to think i may wish i'd done things differently. 

anyways, i think that's it. i feel better now. turns out i didn't even need to share this with b at all to feel better about it. i should go. it's getting late and this isn't how i imagined spending my last evening in cleveland. that said... i don't regret it ;)

i've got money in my pockets, 
i like the color of my hair. 
i've got a friend who loves me, 

got a house, i've got a car. 

montezuma

we've arrived in cleveland :) the drive went by pretty quickly. it was great having a GPS and we named the GPS lady 'donna' . i think the drive felt short because i was always just looking for the next city. brendan was feeling much more tired than i was, but really perked up after i started driving. the entire trip took 7.5 hours and we broke the driving into two sections - each taking half. at one point when we stopped for a break the car started making an odd rattley sound. we checked where it was coming from and didn't find anything so we kept going and the sound has stopped.

our hotel is really great! it's the red roof inn. we got a really great deal - $46 a night! we've stayed at hostels in ireland for more money. and it's really nice. it's got wood floors and a nice flat screen tv. we like to enjoy tv watching when we stay at hotels since we don't have one at home. its a luxury for us :) we're watching 300, which is a bit of a guilty pleasure for both of us.

i'm having a great time and feel really unwound.

i can think
and say and see.

buck

b and i are heading out on our roadtrip to cleveland today. we're super excited. we really like roadtripping and we're very curious about what cleveland is like.

we're all set with snacks and a borrowed GPS to hit the road. we booked our hotel on wednesday and got a really good rate. it should take about 8 hours to get there. 6h 45m on the actual road plus stops for food, gas and washroom breaks. when on long trips we play 20 questions (although i come up with really random people and b loses interest), and listen to music, have long conversations about a variety of stuff. i never get sick of spending time with that guy. i feel pretty lucky.

we're taking our little netbook so hopefully i'll get to write while we're there :)

forget what you have to do,
pretend there is nothing.

skin

while i had dreads it seems that my hair changed. like friends who continued learning and changing during an long absense, my hair and i had to get reaquainted. it's been something like 2 years and i'm still a little unsure of how to manage these changes. it's grown in wavyer. it's a little more unruly. mostly, the part just doesn't cooperate. the back, near my crown, flips when it's supposed to flop. it zigs when i want it to zag. so i've given up. i can't find a way to make it work, so i'm changing my ways. i've decided to start parting my hair on the right instead of the left because it then works with my crown instead of against. surprisingly (or perhaps not surprisingly) i think my hair looks particularly nice today. while it's conforming to it's natural patterns it's also more full and robust. and i like it.

last night, in keeping with our valentine's day tradition, brendan and i wrote and read to each other lists. lists of our favourite things about each other. the neat thing about this is that each year they're different as we discover and appreciate new things about each other and our connection deepens. it was really quite lovely. and i was all crying and stuff. a new addition to this tradition was a pair of cupcakes. after work i went down to the cupcakery and got us two cupcakes on my gift certificate. it was super busy in there. the busiest i've ever seen it. they'd sold out of everything and were making them as customers stood in line. good to know for next year! i think they were just as surprised as i was.

i fell asleep on the couch last night at 9:30. it was good.

you think that i don't understand,
but i do...

bricks

last night, pulling in the driveway, my right front tire made contact with the corner of a decorative wooden railway tie and popped. that said... getting a flat tire in one's own driveway, in daylight, when her husband is home and her friends around, is probably the best place/time to do it. oddly enough our car did not have a jack, but thankfully we were able to borrow rach's. neither b nor myself had ever changed a tire before, but i'd seen it done and it seemed pretty simple. it went pretty well. we were a good team and with the full-size spare i was able to drive to work this morning.

this is turning out to be one of those hidden blessings. i dropped the car off a mechanic down the road from the office. as i pulled up i saw a sign out front saying "tire event". good timing. i've been thinking for quite some time that it might be time to replace our tires but since i don't like spending money i'm not great at preventative maintenance like that. but it turns out, the tires were really worn down and all 4 need replacing. i'm very thankful that we're getting them replaced since we're driving down to cleveland this weekend and it's good to know we'll have good tires on. also this is giving me the chance to get new belts, which has been needed for about a year since the car squeals and shireks when it's first turned on.

in spite the fact that this will end up being the most expensive car repair i've ever had, i don't mind because i know it needs doing and it will get the car all set and ready for the road this weekend. it's nearly a 7 hour drive there, and another 7 back and i did have the thought at the back of my mind that i should do something about those belts before we go.

 

it's just tough since we just got our washer installed which was expensive and have to pay off the balance of our equal-billing (that was not covering the costs properly) at york street. we have a tenant who may or may not be moving because we're not lowering the rent, and are about to do renovations upstairs. PLUS, my dad is back in hospital after passing out a bunch of times.

while i'm not panicking, it's understandable that i've been stressed out and overwhelmed lately. i'm coping ok though. i'm feeling calm. more calm. but looking forward to this being behind us.

 

they keep pounding their fists on reality
hoping it will break.

thumbs

for the first time, last friday i missed knickers. not missed her in a nostalgic sense, but i felt her absence in a very real way. she was a real fighter and networker. she knew the ropes and would fight fires on behalf of our team. on friday i needed to get some information from one of the engineers, so i went over to speak to her. in doing so, i found myself caught in the middle of two engineers and their opinions. i had to stand there with them for at least an hour because i needed the information decided at the end of their discussion. after that was finished i then had to go speak with a director to explain the results of that conversation and come up with a course of action. all this to say... i felt like a young adult who finds herself launched into the real work only to find she no longer has her parents to fix her troubles any longer. it hit me that the weight is now upon my shoulders. there's no one else but me. i am now the communications rep at our site. i have to network. i have to chase people. i have to fight for our team. knickers is gone and emma is stationed overseas. it's just me. and that feels like a big deal. i'm not really made for that sort of thing. i like just doing what i'm told and not being a decision-maker. networking is not enjoyable. it's draining to be around people, especially at work where i am stationed in an open concept room with 20 odd other people. i wish sometimes i had walls that could provide me with some shelter. then in my small alone space i could recharge. the empty space around me could radiate energy back into me.

yesterday was a bit dicey. at times i felt ok, other times i did not. i'd occasionally give b an update so he'd know where i was at. i wasn't / am not sad. i feel worn. thin in spots. threadbare. i'm planning on laying low this week. spacing out my commitments, maximizing my resting time. part of me feels badly that i need leisure time. that's not an option for people with kids. but i suppose i shouldn't be comparing myself. this is me and where i'm at. and maybe i should take advantage of the freedom to relax in order to recharge simply because i can.

beckie told me to take care of my day-to-day things in order to establish good mental hygiene. i like this approach. i did another load of laundry. the luxury convenient laundry is quite addictive. it's so nice having clean clothes, sheets, towels, etc. it's also really nice how easy that can be accomplished. SO great.

 

rockabye, rockabye baby
rockabye, the baby that is me
rockabye, rockabye baby
rockabye till i'm fast asleep.

helium

this has been a weird day. i feel that it's safe to say that i'm definitely depressed and it may not be just the weather. all week i've been a bit off. stressed, anxious, overwhelmed for no apparent reason. i've been feeling really crappy about myself and that i'm letting people down or always doing/saying the wrong things. anyways, today for no apparent reason i had a total breakdown. i'm feeling a bit better now, or at least i'm up and doing. it's scary not understanding why i feel this way and not knowing how to soothe myself. brendan was really great. i feel like i trust him even more knowing that he can stand by me when i'm at my worst. right now every obligation or commitment i have seems like a gigantic hurdle that i'm just not up to facing. and yet, avoiding such things only makes it worse. i'm looking forward to our trip to cleveland next weekend because the only thing i will have to do is go on a trip and have a nice time. 

i haven't felt this bad since my early 20s when i suffered from depression for a year. things just don't feel right inside me. 

in spite of this, there were some nice parts of today. brendan and i assembled a shelf unit for my dad at his apartment. i got my hair cut. i did my first load of laundry in our new washing machine. and we went out for dinner to copper penny. 

we bought our washing machine about a month ago. i'm pretty sure i told you the harrowing tale of us carrying it into the basement.  after that we contacted 3 plumbers to assemble it and aside from the one plumber who gave us a quote then blew us off, we made no progress. so out of desperation on thursday i decided that i would call thru the phonebook until i found a plumber who would install it (we didn't have a hook-up or a drain in the basement) on friday afternoon when brendan was home (his only chunk of time off school). thankfully the first place i called was nice and close by and they came over that afternoon to give us a quote and then came on friday to hook it up. i'm so grateful. it feels pretty awesome having laundry at our disposal. it amuses me a little that between buying the washer and getting it installed makes it the most expensive load of laundry ever. i think i'll need to do another load tomorrow. we don't have a dryer and the clothes are drying on racks so space is limited. 

b has gone over to next to get the music ready for tomorrow. i'm tired but i'll wait for him to return because i don't want to go to bed alone. having him with me is comforting. right now i feel squeezed from every side, even if i don't know why. having him with me is reassuring. it's nice to know there's someone in arms reach if i need it.

your hair's on fire, you must have lost your wits.

catnip

in my new fancy planner at work there are tips for environmental living. so far they've all be neat and enjoyable tips, except last week it said that to save water and time you should brush your teeth in the shower. that just seems WEIRD to me and i don't see how it would save either time or water because you'd have to stand there brushing while streams of water poured down the drain. do any of you do this? does it at all seem like a productive thing to do?

my dad got released from the hospital yesterday and is staying with joy for a week. they had a meeting at their church so brendan and i went over to baby sit the kids and help my dad get settled. before we set to task, he took down his pants and opened up his shirt to show us his incisions. it was hilarious. he kept doing these muscle man poses with his big belly and bandages everywhere. his chest incision is about 8 inches long and the ones on his leg, where they took the vein, make his thigh a dark maroon colour. the entire thigh. we were talking and laughing, swapping stories, which got my dad laughing so hard that his chest hurt and he took some time to get settled again.

it's funny how whenever i spend a lot of time with my dad, especially when we're working together toward an objective, i see how similar we are. he's very brash and so am i - in the same ways. i think that's the right word for it. brash. he was in a big hurry to get his dialysis machine set up and when he found things were missing/left at home by accident he got really worked up about it. sometimes, in his anxiousness, he got annoyed at me because i didn't fully understand what he had in mind - because he hadn't fully communicated it. he easily lost things. these are all things i do, except i get annoyed at brendan. it was a very eye opening experience and it helped me better appreciate what it's like to be on the other side of my brashness. i think i'm a little better at soothing myself than he is, but he responded well when i prompted him to calm down. all in all, i find him quite amusing. growing up with my mom and sister, who operate very much alike in how they organize things (both 'J's), it's nice having a family member who operates like me. i think it's easier being a girl. most women who come into contact with a man like that thinks he need to be changed or corrected. i'm pretty grateful that i'm not seen as a project by my partner.

this morning, after i making my lunch, i put in my contact lens. it instantly started burning my eyeball. i screamed out in pain and brendan rushed to be in alarm. i'd stupidly not washed my hands after mincing garlic, so the oils were transfered to my contacts, then into my eye. brash. brash, i tell ya.

 

if there's anything i've learned
all these years on my own,
it's how to find my own way there
and how to find my own way back home.

huggie

i'm amazed by how much a little bit of water changed my life 20+ years ago and i knew nothing about it. i'm saddened and yet a little relieved. things make more sense now.

visiting my dad in the hospital today was an encouraging experience. he's doing remarkably well. as i thought about it afterwards i don't recall seeing him as happy before. i think it's the combination of having a near death experience and surviving, but also he's so extroverted and it seems that being at the hospital, being around people constantly, has really been good for his soul. it seems to be bringing out his most lovely and warm side. five days after surgery and they're set to release him tomorrow. to see him you won't really believe that he just had major surgery. he's up walking on his own unassisted. he's lively and spunky. he seems like a perfectly well gentleman.

while at the hospital joy and i joined my dad at an aftercare session. this covered physical restrictions, a talk from a dietitian and  some medical information. the dietitian made it clear that the tips she was providing are good principles for everyone, not just people with diagnosed heart problems. she talked a lot about salt and encourages a no-adding salt approach. this prompted my dad to give me a 'i told you so look' since he's been waging war on my use of salt for my entire life. she suggested mrs dash seasonings instead and i decided to give that some thought, and when i looked up the website later i was quite impressed by the selection. so i'm giving up adding up salt to my foods in favour of spices :D

we're having some difficulties with our tenants. they're trying to convince us to lower the already low rent. i felt badly because he looked like he was about to cry. it's extremely awkward and i know we're in this crappy situation because they had no lease or defining agreement. that said, we're not negotiating with them. i feel sorry for him, but this issue is actually between them as housemates and doesn't actually involve us. blah......

i always wanted to be
commander in chief
of my one woman army.

cardiac

i just talked to my dad!!! he's doing very well.

his surgery was a success. the doctors were very pleased. it was a long wait from the time he arrived and the time they started the operation but it sounds like he waited patiently. the staff were great. as he lay on the table and they drew lines on him and all sorts of things they got him talking about his grandkids, how old they are and what they're like. i thought it was so lovely and professional of them to distract him and get him talking about something he really cares about.

when he came out of the anethesia later in the afternoon he was very disoriented and began pulling out the IVs. we've since learned that this is a common side affect but when we first heard how he was doing we were quite alarmed. the nurse said he's like a bowl in a china shop and they were trying to stop him from hurting himself or reopening his sterum. they needed to restrain him and although i'm sure that wouldn't help his disoriented state i knew it was important to protect him. in speaking with frank today, i discovered that the same thing happened to him after surgery once and he was tied down for 2 days (and has no memory of it). they thought it was in quite a bit of pain so they increased his pain medication and he soon calmed down.

i called this morning for an update and got to talk to him. that was really fun. his voice was rough and quiet but he was fully lucid. he said he came to around 11:00. he told me "the only problem has been that my machine" (for dialysis) "isn't working properly". this made me giggle secretly a little since he has no idea about last night's problem. he later told me that apparently he was very disoriented last night, but didn't remember any of it. that's good. joy was very upset at the time that he might be feeling afraid so i'm glad that he has no memory of it.

he was so grateful for all the people who've been praying and i told him about the messages i received from my cousins wishing him well. i think it meant a lot to him to hear that his brother and sister-in-law were praying for him - i don't think they've talked in years, it's nice the way this sort of thing can remind people that they really do care about their relatives.

i'm so thankful that he made it to the surgery without having a heart attack. i'm looking forward to seeing my dad return to good health. i don't think he realized how limited his energy has been.

me+b and joy are going to go in to see him this evening and he was really happy to hear that. i'm looking forward to seeing him. plus i'm always happy to visit people at the hospital. it's a unique environment that i became quite familiar with when i worked there in my salad days. i'm glad i did house keeping instead of kitchen duty because it gave me the chance to go into pretty much all departments of the hospital. except the morgue. i have no idea where the morgue is. i was always a little worried that i'd stumble into it by accident.

anyways, another life experience has been had. and i'm very thankful.

you're going to be fine.

davies

right now my dad is in open heart surgery. it's disturbing to think that he's currently cut open and undergoing a very invasive proceedure. in any other scenario blood, flesh and metal instruments would be a bad combination. all this said, i'm focusing on that this is pain with purpose. not that he's in pain but you know what i mean....

joy dropped him off this morning and she said he was feeling very peaceful about it. tim, since he works at the hospital, went up to meet the surgeons etc, and headed back down to his wing when they took him in to get changed. i'm thankful the last month and a half have been a relatively smooth process, and i'm looking forward to later tonight when he's in recovery. i suspect he'll be out around 4 or before. it's a 3 to 4 hour operation.

don't you let your red heart go cold.

wire

i just found some green paint in my hair. this surprised me since i thought all the paint was finally gone. while we're on the topic of hair... i'm getting an influx of grey hairs. many of which are not completely grey, just grey at the tips. it's very peculiar. b has no grey hairs. and before you get all like "well he is 23..." i had grey hairs as early as 16. it makes me wonder at what pace my pigment is disappearing and what it will look like in 5 or 10 years.

well... my dad's surgery was rescheduled again and he's currently on deck for tomorrow. i feel pretty hopeful that it will go thru because usually by now it would cancelled. i'll be glad when it's behind him and is starting his recovery.

lately i've been playing a lot of tetris. it's a really great way to pass the time when i'm waiting for something and i really enjoy the challenge of it. i've often compared packing a car with luggage to tetris and find it very satisfying to cram stuff in the trunk. as teenagers melinda and i used to play super mario bros while listening to radiohead. similarly i've been turning down the volume and listening to itunes or cbc radio3. it's really quite a fun leisurely activity. brendan comes watches me play. he's pretty impressed by my skills and i think it makes him like me even more :p

the kitchen chalkboard is finished and it really completes the room. it looks fantastic! man i love our house. i really hope we'll be able to live there a long time. i feel that the looming possibility of there not being space for babies hangs over me and is diminishing my sense of home. it's like i don't want to make roots there if we have to move unexpectedly. it will still be several years before lorimerettes enter the world but it's still bothering me. i guess that's because we fit so perfectly in the exile right now. but we're both committed to keeping things as simple as possible and striving to manage in a small space. in a way, i think our limitations will help us achieve that.

i'm a real cheapsake. b says that's partly why he married me.

 

if i'm more then it means less.