associations

i don't really notice if someone or something has a distinct scent until i come across that scent out of context. i remember being in an airport en route home from africa and finding that my clothes smelled like kenya. i also didn't realize that éamon's daycare has a distinct scent until i smelled it on his clothes when he got home. today at work, someone smelled like bren. i don't know who it was, but i'd get a whiff of it from time to time and she'd pop into my head. if i had to describe it i'd say that bren smells a little like a subtle laundry detergent and sweet celery. it's a nice smell.

flashback

i recently joined twitter (it's a long story, but it's for work). i follow lonely planet. they have some really neat things on there. today they posted a picture of a dinosaur skeleton with a link to a new story. when i saw that pic, i thought "where is that? i've been there". and could remember a photo of me as a kid beside that dinosaur. so i clicked the link and found that it was in a museum in london. i don't remember the museum by name, but i did go to london as a kid, so we must have gone to that museum. neat!

wednesday wednesday

i heard something interesting on cbc radio yesterday. apparently, one of the differences between being successful or not in different ventures or activities is the word 'yet'. i'm not good at math.... yet. i'm can't sew... yet. i haven't found a job... yet. this makes perfect sense! sometimes it takes time to learn or achieve things, and if we stop short of 'yet', then we're limiting ourselves or giving up. i don't like to be pigeon-holed by traits. they become self-fulfilling prophecies. and i think this it also true of our abilities.

calvin park

after a lot of thought, i'm feeling a lot more peaceful about future stuff.

it's been a long day and i'm exhausted. this evening, we went to the library and i left éamon in my dad's care while i used the washroom. from inside the stall, i could hear his little voice in the lobby by the doors. last week he discovered that the automatic doors open if you walk close to them and found that super fun. i had a sneaking suspicion that my dad was not with him, and was worried he might go outside. so i hurried and sure enough, i found him alone. when i took him back to the play area, my dad was surprised to see him with me and said "i thought he was over there!" (pointing the opposite direction from where we came from). *exhale* i'm just glad he didn't walk out the front door by himself :S

mental forks

i just finished my first crocheted tomato. i think it's a little too red. but what can you do?! i was trying to use yarn i already had. i suppose tomatoes come in a variety of shades.

it's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster today as i thought more about my future career. i find decisions about the future hard because it's impossible to predict undesirable external factors. i actually found the decision to have a baby EXTREMELY difficult. i knew i wanted to have a baby someday. and brendan and i discussed it at length. we were in agreement about having kids. but i was all torn up about when was the right time to start trying. brendan was more like "whatever", but i was constantly thinking "what if [THIS], what if [THAT]". and in hindsight, the timing worked out great. but at the time i actually felt it would be easier to deal with an unexpected pregnancy than to have to own that decision for myself. there have been times that i've hoped that someday i'll get laid off because at least then i wouldn't have to decide for myself.

i don't know why i've been thinking about this so much lately, but i suspect the fact that brendan started a new job today plays a role. if he still wasn't working i'd accept my lot in life much easier. plus, we seem to take turns working :p

pros/cons

i've been thinking a lot this weekend about careers. specifically about what i want to get out of mine. i'm not 100% sure how i feel about judging things based on imagined death-bed reflections, BUT when i imagine my future, i suspect that i'll feel more positive about life lived for others than a life lived for a corporation. now, i don't want to be hard on my corporation, because i think it in particular has some good and redeeming traits. AND i'm inclined to believe that anything done well has value. plus, my corporation has been good to me, and allowed many great opportunities.

all this said, i've been thinking back to my mat leave, about my strong desire to pursue a caring field (such as a non-medical role in the medicine field). i feel some reluctance because "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know", plus i'm not much of a gambler when it comes to big life decisions. but there are thoughts in my head. and i think they're worth considering and perhaps even worth planning for. not specific plans, just leaving some wiggle room in our future and positioning ourselves for possibilities down the road.

it was my turn

this morning i slept in til 10:30.

it was great.

friday, friday, what to say about friday...

highlights: knowing i was heading into a weekend, the daycare ladies giving me a proper update about éamon's day, picking up some new crochet hooks to make some wool vegetables, and a visit with rach.

lowlights: a slow day at work, in general feeling discouraged about work, and experiencing a touch of seasonal affectiveness disorder.

the same/different.

sometimes i still cry at work.

but now, when i cry, the people around me can see and hear me through the glass partition.

and now when i cry, it's because i'm having a bad day and i just want to be home with my boy. i already miss him, but it just makes it worse.

now when i cry, i wonder "why am i doing this?"

and now when i cry, it's because i feel like i'm trying to figure out a stupid mystery by retracing invisible steps.

now when i cry, i don't even care. i'm just going to keep my head down and go through the motions.

telling myself that "i'm good at my job even if i don't feel that way" is not consoling anymore. and i just want to hear some one say that i'm succeeding at the important job of caring for another human being.

it's hard because i want to just be at home, but i know that if i was at home all the time i wouldn't find it fulfilling. i guess it was just an off day.

in the cellar we call a basement

yet another wednesday of CRAZY productivity. our basement has been in serious need of reorganization. i went down there a couple weeks ago thinking i'd use éamon's nap time as a chance to tackle it, but was quickly overwhelmed. today on the other hand, i just started by moving a few things here and there, and before i knew it it was drastically improved. i even found a box from our 2011 move that wasn't opened yet. i know that they say if you don't open a box for 6 months after you move than you probably don't need what's in it, but i find when i open old boxes i think "HEY! i was wondering what happened to this...". there's still work to be done, boxes to go through, things to move around, but i'll do that next week. and in the meantime, things are greatly improved. i like going down there just to see how orderly it is.

after that, i woke up éamon from his 3 hour nap and took him to artillery park for a swim. it was lovely. i'm looking forward to swimming every wednesday with him. it reminds me of mat leave.

i have a sneaking suspicion that i'll live the rest of my life trying to recreate my mat leave experience.

ironically

in keeping with the comedy of brendan's job situation (technically having three jobs at the moment), he was contacted this evening to interview for a job he applied to in september! hilarious. why do these things happen!?!?! he's going to decline it.

i haven't mentioned this lately, so i feel that i should. i'm really enjoying my book 'the women's room'. it's exactly what i was looking for – a story about women. all the details of their lives, and what makes them all unique and different. it's almost comical that there's no other book like this, because it's almost exactly my experience of women – they're everyday, ordinary lives, their struggles, disappointments, small pleasures. it just goes to show that regular, everyday women are not considered interesting subjects by society, or at least publishers. i think they're wrong.

never knew we were living in the beautiful wild.

chocolate time

i've implemented a mid-afternoon chocolate time. my dad gave me a terry's chocolate orange for christmas, and everyday at 2:00 i eat two slices. it's been lasting a while. i look forward to chocolate time with great anticipation and keep an eye on my watch looking out for it. i discovered today that if i bite small amounts, then suck on the chocolate than it lasts way longer and the chocolate melts in the most delicious way. 

chocolate time might be my highlight of my work day. or at least it's a bright spot that i look forward to on slow, winter afternoons.

crunch

today i was feeling kind of antsy to rearrange some furniture while éamon had a nap. i felt it would give me a bit of freshness during this mid-winter season. but sadly, when i looked at all our rooms, i felt that i've already achieved the ideal arrangement, and any changes i made would be the opposite of an improvement. an unimprovement. a disimprovement. or whatever. so i went for a walk and bought some socks at trailhead for 15% off.

in my spare time today, i actually put on some music and did a crossword* puzzle! it was nice. it's probably been over a decade since i did a crossword puzzle at home. i usually do them while on vacation.

*when i say crossword, i mean a "fill-in". i just say crossword because it has words that cross. and because fill-in just sounds weird – it's too much of a verb to be a noun.

exercise

i'm glad that tomorrow is supposed to be relatively mild because i think i could use some quality outdoors time. today i've been feeling discouraged and overwhelmed with general negative thinking. i heard today that gratitude is proven to make people happier, so while sitting on the couch with b, we took turns saying things we were grateful for. while it was interesting and probably a good practice, it didn't suddenly give me an influx of hope and optimism. all that said, i think i need some good endorphins to chase away some winter blahs.

#lastnight

it always feels like a waste of a friday night when i fall asleep on the couch at 8:00 :S

wet socks

well... i am 10/10 disappointed about target closing. it's my favourite place to buy pajamas and underwear and other general purpose things like that. not only do i like the selection and the prices, i also find the store atmosphere nice and i like the carts. how can i go back to my pre-target days!?!?!

lately éamon cries a lot and wants to be held almost all the time. he even cries when i'm holding him. it's challenging because he cries regardless of what i do. i feel as though he's having some separation anxiety, or simply feeling he's not getting enough time with me, so wants to be held more than usual. or maybe he's just bored. i don't know. this too shall pass. i'll just try to address his needs knowing that he'll gain independence when he feels his needs are met.

still

i had a ridiculously productive afternoon while éamon napped. now that brendan has a job (last day, jan 23. first day of replacement job, jan 26), i have my wednesday afternoons to myself, which means i get a lot more done.

starting next week my boy and i are going to go swimming in the late afternoons on wednesdays. but today we couldn't because we went to meet tiny baby tala :) it was just a short visit because the midwife arrived for a check-up. i have so many questions. i just want to know everything they're thinking and feeling about this new adventure.

it's official!

brendan got the job!! :D :D :D

he is now a new full time facilities support worker at the john howard society in kingston.

he's going to give his notice at the other job tomorrow.

he's currently at his third job (which he'll keep for the time being), so we're going to celebrate tomorrow.

target

i almost never buy new clothes. instead i get previously-enjoyed clothes from thrift stores. so it felt counter intuitive to buy a sweater at target the other day (even though it was 50% off). it's a nice sweater for several reasons, but my favourite thing about it is how long it is. almost none of my sweaters are long enough to be comfortable, and i've kind of resigned myself to the fact that it's hard to find long shirt. but this sweater is an ideal length (goes down past my pockets), and it doesn't feel like a big production with lots of layers to wear. this might completely revolutionize my closet. no more and i tolerating waist-length 'tops'.

brendan finds it strange, even annoying, that women call then 'tops'. i tell him "they're called 'tops' because they're worn on our top", but this rationale does not convince him.

morning star

brendan, shannon, andrew and i went to see 'selma' at a matinee this afternoon. it was really well done, and i can honestly say, i've never cried so much during a movie. it felt really timely.

some of my favourite days are when someone i know has a baby (i was gonna say "some of my favourite days are the ones when babies are born", but then realized that's everyday and i specifically mean babies born to people i know). there's something special and hopeful about the arrival of a new baby.

sack of potatoes

now that it's undeniably winter, i find the nights cold and have been taking a hot water bottle to bed with me. nothing else warms me up.

éamon is an enjoyable little boy, but he's SO busy these days. i usually really like taking him on errands, but today he had me run ragged. he's getting heavy, and every time i put him down he was either running off or grabbing at breakable things. it's an adjustment. 

doormat

there was a significant snow storm during my early morning commute to work.it reminded me of the time that we drove to north bay in a winter storm. considering the road conditions were far from ideal this morning, i wasn't troubled by it in the least. i actually found it quite beautiful. i just took my time and even stopped to get gas (marveling that i didn't think it was possible to fill up my entire gas tank for $38 – amazing!).

brendan had a second interview today for his dream job. things are looking promising.

swimming

sometimes marriage is laughing at your partner's misfortune.

brendan is, in a word, quirky. and some of his quirks amuse me a great deal. i had a good laugh when he told me about his day at work. in his distress he didn't find it as humorous as i did at first, but eventually he cracked a smile and could admit it was pretty funny.

i guess that's what marriage is too. helping one another not take life too seriously sometimes.

a new year's lets-see-what-happens

i usually really like setting new year's goals, but i don't think i'll bother this year. in 2014, i developed two good habits (flossing daily, and doing my dishes right after supper every day) and i didn't have to set them as goals to achieve them. both became important preventative actions. so i don't think i'll set any goals this year and just see what happens naturally. there are times and stages where life propels you, and other times when you propel life.

i'm still battling my cold and my stomach bug. in terms of full health, i would give my stomach an 8 out of 10 and my sinuses a 9 out of 10.

sick day

last evening i was starting to feel a little sick to my stomach. and as usual, i was hoping it might just go away if i lied down for a while. it did not. at 1 am, i was vomiting in the bathroom, which made it official, i had a stomach bug. i don't know about you, but i have this theory that i never feel better than i do minutes after vomiting. i feel physically amazing and emotionally i feel relieved. it's hard to say if it's just the contrast between how i just felt, or it's truly the most euphoric time in my life.

i stayed in bed ALL day except for getting up to make some toast at 11ish. once brendan got home and it was time to pick éamon up at daycare, i had to pull myself together for some solo parenting this evening since b works in napanee on tuesdays. so far it's gone ok. we've spent more time nursing than usual, because it means he'll stay still and i can just laydown. i also had him sit in his highchair for quite an extended period of time. i think i'll put him to bed early. thankfully he's pretty good at entertaining himself these days.

core

i realized today that the taste and texture of pears reminds me of my school yard growing up. not a bad association, just a surprising one.

the next day

well, i put a new contact in this morning and i haven't had any weird repercussions or discomfort. so i think it's safe to assume my contact is lost outside my body somewhere.

my main regret is poking and pinching my eyeball trying to get out a contact that wasn't there.

hiding

aside from not being sure if my body is in the right time-zone (used to waking later and going to bed later), i think i'm ready to return to work tomorrow.

i had an evening shower and afterwards my left contact felt funny. i tried to take it out, but it needed more coaxing, so i thought i'd use some saline solution to loosen it up. all that said, i now can't find my left contact. it's either hiding somewhere in my eye-socket or fell out somehow without me noticing. i'm hoping that it fell out, because i'm getting zero indication that is in my head, and usually when a contact gets lost, it causes irritation. i'm going to bed soon, and in the morning, i'll be in the awkward position of deciding if i should put a new contact in or not, and risk having two in one eye simultaneously.

i'm going to go read in bed with my new book-light until i get drowsy.

ambiguous

i slipped into bed last night, hoping for a good night's sleep that would wash away my cold, and realized i forgot to write about my day. now that it's morning, i'm surprised to say that my cold was actually worse last night than that night before.

anyway, i'm also surprised by the number of people who mistake éamon as a girl. his hair is longer, but it's not long. i'm purposely growing it to be like a surfer's haircut because of his double crown – it's the only way to get it to lie down at the back.

shoelaces

i bought some sweatpants. i haven't had a real pair of sweatpants in several decades. i like them a lot. they've got this weird ornate rabbit on one leg (it's really bizarre – why a rabbit!?!?!?). it's to bad that comfortable clothes are the least flattering. i wish i could be this comfy all the time. in highschool, my friend mandy and i would refer to comfy clothes as being naked with a waistband on.

conjested

i crawled into bed early last night because i've come down with a head cold. it's been a while since i had a cold, and this one was kind of slow in coming because i had cold-like symptoms for 4 days before it really grabbed me. it sucks that i'm sick on my last day of vacation. BUT i suppose i can just take it easy, which will be nice. brendan took éamon to daycare while i slept in. apparently he was extremely excited to be there this morning, which is nice. now i can just lay around in peace. maybe i'll watch a movie. ugh. it's such a beautiful winter day out there :S it sucks being sick on a beautiful day.