again (x infinity)

my trip to berlin has been cancelled AGAIN!

 

this is the fourth or fifth time potential trips have been canned. no doubt another opportunity will come along, but at this point i won't hold my breath. i'm starting to not care about visiting berlin on business. maybe it's just not in the cards for me.

 

flip...

FLOP....

slide

after years of waiting, i've finally purchased the sufjan stevens songs for christmas album. it's totally awesome! there's over 40 songs, so they'll totally keep me going until the end of the year. i may never need another christmas album again!

i've concluded that 'o holy night' is my favourite christmas carol. not specifically on this album, but in general. it's beautifully written - poetic and profound. and musically it builds to perfectly.

i'm really getting into the christmas spirit of things, more than any other year before. i still have no desire to decorate, but that's ok. i like making gifts, listening to christmas music, eating clementines and spending time with people. that's enough for me, and it might always be.

man, i'm so glad that sufjan is a genius and that he doesn't take himself to seriously.

your mom's going to the country.

faucet

"that's just a box of mugs waiting to happen" is my new favourite phrase.

 

on saturday kieran hung out with us in our living room for about 10 minutes. he's the 7 year old son of bren. he was suited up in his hockey gear and waiting for mike to retrieve him. as he stood waiting, brendan and i told him that we're moving soon. he looked around our living room and said "you still have a lot to pack". very true. that may have been the moment that flicked the switch in my brain and since then i've been spending almost all my spare time stuffing more stuff into boxes. unfortunately we run out of boxes frequently.

we're moving in 19 days. counting down like this reminds me of when we got married. it was the last time i was counting down to something significant that required a lot of advanced planning. i've concluded though that house owning is much more up my alley than weddings. i'm inspired by the blank canvas of our new home in a way i never was about our wedding. i eagerly looked forward to being married to b, but i didn't eagerly look forward to the wedding. i'm pretty much pysched about everything house related. but i am quite overwhelmed by the packing process. it's hard because we're running out of space to put things.

i packed up my balcony garden on saturday. my heart ached in a familiar way. its the feeling of knowing something good is over. something that can never be recaptured. i've never felt so simultaneously safe and free as i did when i was on my balcony. it saddens me to think there will never be another sunny summer afternoon lying on the balcony with honey lying on the cushion beside me. if she knew we were moving and it meant she'll never be able to go outside again she'd be just devastated. i'm sure if she was a capable of such things, she'd completely refuse to go. that said, i think they'll like the view from the exile - the sunny foyer and the windowsills.

looking back to when i moved in to the maxipad, and my years spent there, it never occured to me that i'd someday leave with my husband to buy a house. i thought i'd go live on wolfe island, travel the world, or live with housemates again. i like that this step forward, as conventional as it is, still comes to me as a surprise.

at paul's birthday party on saturday, b and i had the chance to chat with rachel and dan for quite a while. it's hard to believe i haven't seen her in 6 months. it just feels like a week past since i saw her last, because we picked up right where we left off. i really value that kind of connection - consistant and warm. i honestly can't think of anything worse to me than inconsistant and cold. it was a treat to see the greenwoods and the butler clan on a november afternoon :)

 

take only what you need from it.

carpet

i spent two days at home sick. the first day i slept all morning then sat on the couch crochetting. the second day i went into work but then left at 9:30. i spent that day also on the couch crochetting and watching the entire 3rd season of the office on dvd (it was the only thing left unpacked from our dvd collection). since our landlord's mother brings by potential new tenants on almost a daily basis (3 times yesterday), and because i'm married to a tidy man, i came up with the ingenious plan to keep a paper bag on the floor beside me to collect my used kleenexs. perhaps depositing dirty tissues into a trash bag isn't ingenious, but believe me it was a new revelation to sick-lesley.

my head still aches and i have moments of congestion that block my ability to breath, but on the whole i'm improving. even my sore and chapped nose is feeling better. on wednesday morning i tried rachel's trick of eating a clove of raw garlic. but it didn't work. maybe it was already too late at that point, i dunno.

i'm just about finished brendan's nana's blanket. i'm in the second final stage of crochetting it together (the last stage is sewing in all the extra bits). it's looking fantastic. brendan told me he kind of wished it was for him instead of nana. that said, it was really quite easy so i'm certain i have many more blankets in my future. some of the colours are a bit bold, and sometimes i wonder if nana will not like the bright colours. but then i think about how her eye sight is not good, which means that bright colours will be easier for her to enjoy. at least that's what i've heard before about people with poor vision.

each month b plans out our menu for our week-day dinners. tonight we're supposed be having grilled cheese sandwiches, but i kind of want to go our for indian food. curry would be good for my sinuses. i wonder if i'll be able to convince him to go to darbar for supper. as a teenager brendan was a dishwasher at curry original. i like hearing his stories about how his coworkers taught him to eat indian food properly. it's not very often that you hear someone say "that was back before i started eating with my hands".

 

sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemptions.

 

frost

as much as i love the goat. and as much as i embrace its somewhat ghetto state, i do feel the brick that is currently the "latch" in the big stall in the womyn's washroom is a BIT much.

last night rach and i went out for a cup of tea and a chat. b was in bed by the time i got home, but still wanted to hear about my evening. he asked "what did you talk about?" and as i told him "oh, you know... we talked about our families, moving, heaven and hell, evolution and creationism" i smiled about the kinds of 'regular' things my good friend rach and i casually talked about over the table at the goat.

rach will soon live a 50 second walk away from my house. we'll be 79 main, and they'll be 98. the day b and i went to see our house for the first time rach was casually sitting out on their front step when we emerged. i've still never remembered to ask her if she timed that on purpose (because i told her in advance we were going to see it at 3) or if it was just a coincidence. either way, it felt good debriefing to her and the 4 of us (jase came and joined us outside) chatted things over. in many ways i imagine that living on main will be like living on clark when i was growing up - known most of my neighbours and having friends speckled around me. in a lot of ways it seems that i'm constantly trying to get back to the simplicity of my childhood - when things felt straightforward and i worried very seldom.

it seems that i'm becoming very selective in the books that i'd like to read. i skimmed thru the list of audio books today, and all the ones that seems remotely interesting were quickly disgarded for one reason or another. i want something beautifully written. something deeply impacting. and yet something amusing and quirky. i'm not certain if such a book exists, but i'll keep looking. yes, some must exist because i've read several books like that already this year.

i did read something astute today... "when they say they want freedom they never quite mean it, what they mean is freedom from interference". hm... * nod *

 

minor chords of major works.

open

i found he smelled like oreo cookies.

 

when i left for work this morning i found it was quite cold outside (later learning it was -4). it wasn't until that moment did it occur to me that we're moving in december )a fairly unpredictable month weather-wise and at the very least a dark and cold month. while this does change things slightly in my head, i'm still confident it will go smoothly. at least it won't be snowy (i hope those aren't famous last words), it hasn't snowed on my birthday since i was a kid. about once a week we stop by the exile and peek in the windows. everytime we're there i feel more and more at home there. it feels very natural for us to make our home there. yesterday i concluded that it is actually larger than the maxi pad. it felt quite big compared to its smallness in my imagination. we ran out of boxes on saturday, so i'll try to get more at the grocery store. we only have 3 saturdays left before moving day, and there's much to do.

yesterday brendan's friend mj from school came to next for the first time. when b first mentioned her in september he told me that he thought i'd really like her, citing her dreadlocks and her traveling. so it turned out to be a fun surprise when he later learned she was a church-goer and he's invited her to next - which meant i had an opportunity to meet her. i really enjoyed getting to know her over the potluck. it reminded me of how bren once told me that she met some wonderful women thru mike when he was in school with all female classmates. it feels as though it's been a while since i met a new person who i really hit it off with. i was starting to feel like there was something wrong with me - like i'd lost my ability to make new friends.

andrew and shannon had us over for the santa claus parade on saturday night. we sat at their bedroom window looking into princess street watching the parade go by. perhaps the most amusing, and unexpected, part was the couple sitting on the sideway across the street. we concluded they were a relatively new couple because they were cuddling and kissing so much. the most hilarious part was when we observed them having a spat. we watched their body language and speculated about what was happening. in the end they made up but things didn't return to the same cuddly lovey-dovey state as before. it seems he got a text message or something that got the girl really upset. afterwards they fed a delicious dinner and we watched elf. there's a few holes in that story, they clearly tried to make the story the least confrontational (ie how did a baby end up at the north pole without the parents being traumatized and there being a country-wide search, etc) but their solutions to those issues make the story extra far-fetched. granted it is a story about a grown made elf in santa's workshop, so my standards for realism shouldn't be very high. i felt very drowsy and rested my eyes for much of the film, and when it was over i rambled in my sleepy state. strange things come out of my mouth when i'm sleepy.

 

we are under the same sun.

pipe-cleaner

on tuesday i bought a cat door to install at the new house. it will go in the door to the basement so we can keep the litter box down there and the kitties can have easy access. when i got it home with it brendan was skeptical that the cats would fit thru it - because pekoe in particular is quite fat. so we took turns - one holding the door, and the other holding a cat - pushing them thru the door. they were not happy but they fit! it was very amusing. poor koe-koe is not the brightest. it will take him some time to figure out how to use it. that said, he can open the bathroom door all by himself, he often invites himself in when i'm in there.

our landlords mother brought some potential tenants thru our place last night. it was quite awkward, and i felt weird about people looking over our home as a place to live. i found the advertisement on kijiji. he's raised the rent quite a bit. it's bittersweet to be leaving, but i'm excited about starting over. yesterday marked the one month count down to our move. there's still lots to do and hopefully we'll get some packing done this weekend.

i've learned me to crochette proper-like. hooray!

 

stay young
(go dancing)

organic

when i was 13 years old - exactly a month after my birthday - on a cold, wintery sunday afternoon... i got my period for the first time. and while this seems like an odd connection, i've recently concluded that there is a direct connection between that event and my discomfort with people dropping by my house unexpectedly.

on that afternoon, when my body was high-jacked by my woman-self, i was really caught off-guard. my mom and sister affectionately teased me but i was not in the frame of mind to accept taunts in good humour. i wept. i mourned. i repeated over and over "i'm too young! i'm too young!" it was difficult for me to reconcile myself with the notion that i was beginning a new chapter in my life. i was reluctant and taken by surprise.

not 15 minutes after discovering the life-changing spot in my girly underpants, did my dad show up at my house unannounced (he had not lived with us for several years at that point). and in my tortured and emotional state - one in which i would have best soothed myself by writhing and flopping around on the bathroom floor like some kind of fish-toddler hybrid - i had to put on a brave-face and pretend like everything was normal. but i assure you, i was far from normal. the fact that i could not let my trauma run its course and be properly out of my system within an hour or two made matters worse. and to this day i have been incredibly uncomfortable, and to some extent resentful, when people politely pop-by, as though it's a continuation of that awkward afternoon.

no one understands this less then my family, oddly enough. i have tried to articulate that i might be indisposed or not in the frame of mind to receive guests, but my reasoning seems to not be justified for them. there are a few exceptions to this rule, when it's a good friend who is sensitive enough to be willing to be on their way if they've arrived at an inopportune time - and are someone who i can frankly tell why they've caught me at a bad time. had the visitor on january 17, 1993 been someone other than my some-what estranged dad i probably would have and could have handled the situation with more ease.

i want living at the exile to be the beginning of a new open (or maybe just more-open) door policy for me (i specify for me since b has no problem with drop-bys. he used to live in a house when they had all sorts of colourful people stop by any time). i'm hoping that by having a door that's on the street (instead of in the backyard) will create a more fluid sense for me that i'm more natural and familiar with that environment. maybe even with my dad! that said, it does help that i'm now an adult who can tell a visitor "oh hey, b and i are in the middle of a serious conversation right now" or "i've had a bit of a stressful day" or "i've just got in the door" and ask that we catch up later. it's really quite liberating to be an adult :)

 

a woman had come in the night to replace me,
deface me.

tapped

it was a full and productive weekend.

on friday morning i woke up with a great idea for an art project for our new house. the plan was the build a wooden frame, then stretch decorative fabric over the frames to create some attractive yet simple art. i'm so pleased. on saturday our house was way too hot to sleep so i woke up at 7:30. by 10 i'd headed over to rona to buy some wood and had it trimmed to size. by noon i was on the job. glueing, hammering, nailing, cutting and stapling. it was awesome. i LOVE doing things like that. i made three and they turned out really well. unfortunately the only home decor fabric (meaning fabric with large print) i could find were different kinds of flowery designs. i'm always highly sensitive to flowery designs, especially when i'm sharing a house with a man. but at least there's a consistency, and it's not like there's flowers anywhere else in the house. b likes them a lot, so that's all that matters.

with bren being in ethiopia at the moment, b and i went to skye's hockey game then hungout with her and kieran while mike was at another game with ro. it was great. at 5 years old, skye is the best player on her team - which is comprised of all but two girls. watching little kids hockey is a little bit of a gong show but at the same time being a person quite unfamiliar with hockey it was neat seeing them learn different skills like stopping and stick handing.

i can't remember if i've mentioned that the upstairs apartment at the exile on main street needs some renovations and repairs. anyways, our current plan is to give notice to the tenants that they have until the end of april, then they must vacate so we can do our renovations. it's been pretty stressful buying a house for the first time, instantly becoming landlords, then having to evict someone before we receive our first months rent from them. it's really not ideal. and we have next to no rights even though we own the house. in order to lawfully evict someone on the grounds of renovations we need a building permit. we're toying with the idea of installing 2 tubular skylights - one in the stairwell and one in the bathroom - which would qualify us for a building permit. this is what a tubular skylight looks like when installed. doesn't it make a lovely difference? anyways, b and i have yet to reach a consensus on this. but at least i'm not feeling stressed anymore.

 

we'll live in slow-motion.

magazines

growing up i really valued remembrance day. there was something mystical about gathering in the school gym and hearing stories from senior teachers about growing up during WWII. the horrors of war that i could not imagine were recalled so that i could remember. WWI was said to be the war to end all wars. the people in that day and age hated the war that tore a part their lives. they wanted nothing more than to put an end to it, and make life better for future generations. remembrance day was made so we wouldn't forget. that we wouldn't forget the perils of war and why we must strive for peace. i'm deeply saddened that it has become about something else. now it's about supporting troops, remembering those who died. and while i feel that the loss of a soldier's life is a tragedy i feel that if we gave more attention to peace than that life could have been saved. i'm really frustrated by this distortion of remembrance day. this beautiful day of remembering that war is awful and longing for another way.

things are so different now. the reasons for war. the war machine. it's inaccurate to say it's the same now as it was in the early and mid 20th century. those who served and died in the world wars were recruited - at least most of them. the war took the lives of every day people - not professional soldiers. civilians dressed up in military fatigues were given a gun and sent out into the unknown. the reality is that today's soldiers are enlisted men and women who need a job or someone to pay for their university education. these people are not dying out of love for country, but instead because of a work-place danger. they are casualties for their career. which in many ways is much sadder. their deaths get dressed up, and their families are told that they made the ultimate sacrifice, their death was honourable (and i'd wouldn't take that sentiments from them if it makes them feel better). while many are drawn to a life of military service because they love their country, i don't imagine that they would honestly trade their lives, families, relationships, friends for the sake of being a name on a death toll for patriotism.

it's just sad. i saw a news article today that said "no greater love" as it's headline. aside the fact that that's a blatant rip off of the bible and comparing jesus to soldiers, it seems like propaganda. it's sad that the government is too chicken to acknowledge the distortion of remembrance. i feel that as the leader who sets the tone, almost as the parent figure, that they should speak truth instead of adding to the forget of peace. honestly it makes my heart hurt.

 

be free...
with doors unlocked and open.

significant

the more i write at work, the less i write outside of work. it's odd really. it's not that i'm tired of writing by evening, or sick or it, but i feel more like my need to write has been met and i don't have anything else to say. i just listened at storytellers last night - for the first time. i enjoyed that. i crochetted while they wrote and i enjoyed hearing what they'd written. beforehand rach helped me figure out what i'd been doing wrong with my crochetting and after that sped along excellently. i'm ever so pleased :)

buying a house feels very much like one step forward, two steps back. we regularly come across glitches that soon get smoothed out, but there's so many of them that it's hard to not be rattled. perhaps it's because we're not just buying a house, we're also new landlords and having to deal with an extra set of issues. our feeling is though, that this is a very good decision and will really come in handy in the long run. we just have to get thru the initial headaches and expenses, which is often the case with big life decisions. yesterday we were one step back. today feels like one step forward and a half step back. it's hard to stay positive. right now i'm becoming most interested in the path of least resistance.

i'm not particularly enjoying this in between stage. going but not gone yet. moving but not moved yet. we actually move in one month and one week. i can't wait til my christmas vacation. preparing it starting to lose it's appeal.

last night i dreamt that i lived in my childhood bedroom with brendan. that we were taking a trip on short notice to mexico with a bunch of friends and i was struggling to get packed in time. i scrambled. i while found everything in the same place as always, for some reason they took a long time to find. it was puzzling and it made me feel overly stretched.

this is where we find our peace,
this is where we are at least.

sometimes people call me lori because of my last name. it makes me giggle at them. not cruelly just humourously.

beppi

our house is so hot.
HOW HOT IS IT?
it's so hot that we sleep in summer pjs, with no blankets and the window open.
it's unplesantly hot. i'm looking forward to having control over our heating in the new place.

yesterday, on november 6, to celebrate the three year anniversary of my black star tattoo, shanno and i made our yearly trek to exotic gananoque. while there we drank free beverages (coca-cola for me, pure cream for her), spent 15-20 minutes at the 2¢ slots before the house had bled us dry of our small bills. we people watched a while longer than piled back into the car. it's a delightful tradition. i like that admission and drinks are free. i probably wouldn't like going if they charged us for those things. the culture of the casino is unlike anything else. i wish i could talk to the patrons and find out why they're there and how often they go. it's not glamourous at all, so it's not for the setting. while there i was reminded of the high number of canadians who don't have a retirement plan but rather expect to win the lottery. so many people looking to get rich quick. it's ironic that they'd be sooner rich if they stopped wasting their money. i've always thought that not spending money is the fastest way to have more money.

before heading down the highway we attended at pampered chef party. one of the other party goers seemed stunned that we were going to go to the casino that night while still planning on going to work the next day. i can't imagine what she thought we were going to do there.

 

when there's a burning in your heart,
don't be alarmed.

remind

it's been over two year since we started book club. and i'd have to say that last night was the most we've talked about books :) we had a long and lively conversation, not about the book we read for the club, but other books we've read or are reading. it was delightful :)

so you know how our new house is a duplex? well... there's currently 3 dudes living up there, but come spring we're going to do some renovations and then after that andrew and shannon are going to move in! isn't that super?!?! it's so great for many reasons. 1) they'll be good upstairs neighbours. 2) we'll be able to enjoy sharing stuff - like a garden and wifi internet. 3) we'll be able to hangout more and have meals together. this is a delightful arrangement!!!

man... eventhing is delightful :D

my gym membership expired in october. i'm kind of happy about that since i haven't been going since the spring and now i don't have to feel badly about wasting money. it's nice because i have more spare time than last year. i decided to not renew it since b and i found that i was more successful with managing my weight by watching what i ate than when i went to the gym. being active is still important to me, so i'll just need to find an alternative. i imagine that when we live closer to downtown i'll walk places more often. right now it's an extra 10 minutes to most place i go to so i don't bother walking - it would just take too long and i'm usually short on time.

 

i'm still living
at the old address.

good

last night i sat in the kitchen with my feet up on the table listening to a live broadcast of a feist concert while i crochetted. it was immensely satisfying and it struck me how content i felt in that experience.

you will pull strange gifts from the heart of the trees.

superfluous

i've figured it out! i've found a way to listen to audio books online and think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. it seems to me that i will speed thru many many books each month, each week even! these are exciting times. part of me is wonders if i might eventually lose the ability to read completely! like a use it or lose it situation, but probably not.

its said that scent is the greatest memory jogger. for a long while i thought that music brought back familiar feelings the most. and while that's kind of still true, i'm starting to get the idea of smells. today i ate my first clementine of the season. immediately upon piercing the skin the smells and feelings of christmas surfaced in my mind. that makes me happy. i'm really digging the changing of seasons this year. i'm liking that we're settling into a winterish routine. days getting shorter. clothes getting warmer. mitts and scarves. it's good stuff.

 

we can't even think of a word that rhymes.

orange

when i was little. my family 'trick or treated' like regular kids. when i got to be around 6 my parents had done a lot of learning about the origins of halloween and didn't want us to partake in the ritual. they tried their best to keep us entertained and gave us treats. thankfully it was my sister's birthday so we had something to distract us and celebrate instead. now that we're adults my parents no longer see any harm in 'trick or treating'. which is good, i'm glad they've changed their minds. i don't resent missing out on that childhood experience, because at the time i fully agreed with them. in fact, i would sometimes try to convince my friends that they should also abstain. looking back though, or maybe it's not looking back, maybe it's more being an adult and more exposed to the tradition, i see more of what i missed out on and it makes me a little sad. i'm not resentful or disappointed, it's just unfortunate that it's so foreign to me. i feel a little stunted in this area. thankfully someday, b and i will have little lorimerettes who we'll take door to door and with them i'll be able to carve out a new story. that's nice. i like that we're always making and remaking ourselves and our stories. it's never too late.

in the meantime, we get to participate in the halloween harvest - a food drive for the partners in mission food bank. it's always a little awkward going door to door asking for food but it's also delightful because we get to see the warmest and most generous side of people. they're already opening their doors to strangers and giving away things for free, so they're happy to give non-perishable food items as well. it's actually exciting to see how quickly the bags and cars fill up. this is a food drive that's been taking place for 16 years in kingston, and it helps keeps the food bank stocked til the christmas influx.

all i know is what i have words for.