highlights from 2014

- this was a year of roadtrips... north bay, philadelphia, cahoots festival, ottawa, quebec city, victoria harbour, and ottawa again.

- this was a year of transitions... back to work, éamon to daycare, brendan getting laid off, brendan looking for work, brendan finding a job (or two?).

- this was a year of taking it easy and learning to be present at home... declining commitments, using my evenings productively, allowing myself to not feel guilty about resting, transitioning into a parent of a toddler.

- this was a year of intention... mindfully making plans with friends, going to bed early, getting babysitters (family, friends and a teenager) so brendan and i could go out and not miss out on stuff.

- this was a year of new favourite things... loose-leaf tea, long walks, swimming lessons, making soup, cbc radio, baking for pleasure and naps.

this was a year of new experiences (good and bad) that has marinated me and brought out hidden abilities, desires and character i didn't know was lurking under the surface. i know i'm different, more aged and experienced than i used to be, and i feel pretty comfortable about who i am at 35.

knots

after being on the job market for four months, b was offered a job and accepted it. he's supposed to start on monday, except... today he was called to interview for a job he applied for before the other job offer at his ideal social service agency in town. ugh. why does life throw these curve balls?!?!

i thought this might happen. aye-yi-yi...

glebe

we took a roadtrip to ottawa today for a few errands. while we were there, brendan wanted to visit this guitar shop he'd heard about. éamon had just fallen asleep for his afternoon nap, so i had to stay in the car while brendan went in the store. which was too bad since i like watching brendan nerd out about guitars, but i was content to stay put. 25 minutes or more passed before brendan returned. he was utterly glowing and was so enamored that he couldn't speak for at least 15 minutes. i knew that something significant had just happened in that store – it made the highlight of my day (buying a new slipcover for my couch) seem VERY bland indeed.

women & women first

"She turned to literature. She looked for books about adolescents, books she could find herself and her problems in. There were none. She read every thin, saccharine "girl's book" she could find, and gave up. She began to read trashy novels, anything she could find in the library that looked as if it were about women."
- The Women's Room

lately, i've felt a strong desire to read books about female protagonists. books about women. ideally books about women that are not romances. basically books that i can relate to. books with storylines that i can connect with. i've been surprised to discover that i've already gobbled up many of the "top" books about women – i thought i'd only scratched the surface. i'm honestly shocked to find that were aren't a ton of books about women. half the population are women. half of authors are women. why can't i go into any book store and easily find half the books about women. it's disappointing and frustrating.

i came across a list of the top ten books that "changed how we feel about being a woman" and discovered The Women's Room. i downloaded the preview before i decided to buy it. i was starting to get into it when i came across the above segment. it seems i'm not the first person to crave books about women.

triumph

for several weeks now, we've been trying to fix our toilet seat. it was loose and when brendan tried to tighten it, he found that the screwed had become rusty. soon the screws were stripped and we tried a half-dozen things to get those damn nuts off. nothing worked. it really irritated my mind, knowing there was this small task that i couldn't accomplish and move on from. very annoying. BUT, thank goodness, tonight we got it off. we bought a keyhole hacksaw and took turns hacking away at it. i feel oddly relieved and very satisfied to have that annoyance behind me. we have one mighty sturdy toilet seat now!

boxing day

i'm not a naturally organized person, and i'm not compelled to create order from chaos, but sorting out gifts (swopping out existing stuff with new stuff) and unpacking our duffel bag this afternoon, felt good. i probably set a personal record for prompt organization (i often continue to live out of a suitcase for several weeks after returning home).

xmas day

i'm so very grateful for my extended family. we have a sleepover together every year and it fills our love-tanks and gives us memories of quality time together. sometime i'll be especially thankful for down the road when my nieces and nephews are bigger.

xmas eve

to conclude a day of carrot soup, lego board games, gifts, cousins playing together and carols... éamon pooped in the tub.

AND I'M BACK...

beckie and i were out today doing some downtown errands and drinking hot beverages. while we were out, i came across a 5-year diary that left enough space for a couple sentences about each day. i thought "that's great! i'd love to do that". i like having a record of what i did each day. i considered buying it for a minute or two, then i realized... I HAVE A BLOG! duh!

so i'm going to change the format of my blog (which is clearly unsustainable in it's past format), to a quick, simple, daily approach. unless there's something i have a lot to say about.

--

so to get the ball rolling....
i bought éamon a toddler-sized broom today and he loves it :) maybe it create positive associations with household chores.

thrones

i don't know if its the season, the weather, the fact that i'm drawing close to vacation time or because i haven't been outside much lately, but i've been feeling quite anxious. i'm also feeling unsettled in my heart about current conversations at next.

in november, eamon's moved up to the toddler room at daycare, which means we have a more flexible daycare schedule. he now goes 4 days a week and goes to my mom's on wednesday mornings. i bring him with me when i leave at 6:30. i take him straight out of bed, put him in his snowsuit and pop him in the car. when we get to my mom's, she feeds him breakfast and gives him a bath in her bathtub (this is a treat since we don't have a bathtub at home). i work til 11, then pick him up on my way home. it's a nice new system. it also gives me a chance to have a visit with my mom and sometimes i stay for lunch. i'm really thankful that they get this time together, i think it's special for both of them.

brendan had a job interview on friday, and afterwards felt really pumped about it. he clearly really connected with the interviewers. they checked his references on monday and called him on tuesday to give him good news and bad news. the bad news was that they weren't going to offer him the job, but the good news was that they'd like to give him a different job. they'd like to give him a more challenging job with more responsibility, plus it's regular 9-5 weekday hours. basically, they think he's over qualified for the job he applied for, and said they are not accustomed to getting such a high caliber candidate for that type of job. the only problem is that there isn't a position open right now. so they'll keep his resume and be in touch when they're hiring for this other department. i have mixed feelings because it's wonderful news that they thought he was so amazing and that there's a possible opportunity, BUT at the same time, it might not turn into anything. i think they're equally frustrated because they're worried he's going to get snapped up by another agency in the meantime. the funny thing is that these other agencies don't even consider him because he doesn't have a degree, which is why he's forced to apply for jobs at the bottom of the social work ladder. he's very smart, he's very socially-aware, he's very experienced (compared to his contemporaries), he's very skilled. i think all these agencies who are screening him out are stupid for missing out on a good candidate.

maybe this is also affecting my anxiousness. or maybe it's just PMS. for a while after eamon was born, i didn't get PMS, but i think it's slowly creeping back.

man, i need to do something to interrupt this funk.

if i stay here, trouble will find me.

crokinole

after years and years of hating winter, i think i've finally come around. it's definitely the most challenging season, and i'm not looking forward to it. but i've found it has some redeeming qualities.

i like how opposite it is of summer in many ways....
• i like that on a cold, snowy day there's nothing better than just staying in all day (be it at home or at work, there's something nice about being warm and dry inside).
• i like getting bundled up in lots of layers
• i like that life slows down because everything takes more time. but also, unlike summer, which is super busy with activities and social events, winter's activities are fewer and less frequent. it allows one to get into a groove and consistent rhythm.
• it's also undeniably pretty.

i'm glad the snow has come early, because november is a cold and dark month. we might as well have snow, which brings its reflective bright surface.

--

last night brendan and i went out to dairy queen before a games night at next (eamon was at home with astrid). we sat across from each other in a booth, eating blizzards, talking and laughing at his eye lids. it was nice.

i'll learn to fix stuff,

if you will teach me love.

petition

i like when i come across a couple who seem like really good friends. i don't mean that they seem more like friends than they do a couple, but that it's clear their relationship is further cemented by a deep, intertwining friendship. i'm often struck by the display of mutual respect and shared admiration. even a short interaction with such people leave me encouraged and inspired. i don't know if this is a relationship culture developed over many years together, or just their natural dynamic. but its something to aspire to.

foot/mouth

so... i feel a little bit dumb, but éamon cut a molar without me even realizing it. i'm not sure if that means i'm a tuned-out mother or that he's an easy teether. perhaps a little of both. he's cut teeth several times without me noticing. everything i've read and heard says that cutting molars is the worst. he has been more cranky in the last month, but i honestly just thought it was just him being a growing baby who will go through different stages of neediness. i thought we were on a break between teeth. *shrug* i guess i should be glad that the first molar is behind us. but it's a little bit hard because he's that much more a toddler and i really enjoyed my little baby.

lately i've been "borrowing" worry and stress unnecessarily. unlike my sister who feels a great responsibility to rescue people and fix their problems, i don't typically feel a sense of responsibility for others. and yet, lately i've been feeling like it's selfish of me to only be concerned with my own future. i think that's the hard part about living in community, even if the community circle is broad and lives aren't that closely connected, i have a hard time knowing where the healthy line is between doing for others and empowering others to do for themselves. it's tricky because i know from my own life experience how much i've valued (after the fact) making my own path and not having solutions offered to me on a silver platter. that said, there are times when i would've welcomed generous gifts to give me a leg up financially. probably the only time i experienced that was when my grandma died and she left me enough in her will to pay off one of three student loans, and i'm still super grateful for that. I suppose though, it might have been a different experience had I not been chipping away at that loan for several years before I received that inheritance. I'm sure I would've been grateful to receive that gift before i started paying it back, but being relieved of a burden you've been carrying for a while is more appreciated than never having to carry the burden at all. all this said... i don't really know how to support the right amount.

sausagers

last night we had our first paid babysitter. we've made an arrangement with astrid to babysit for 2 hours on thursdays so we can go to our small group. it was surprising because brendan was much more nervous about it than i was. he thinks his reluctant feelings are more normal, but i'm not convinced of that. as far as i was concerned there was no reason to be nervous, but ended up concluding my confidence was based on my experience as a 13 year old babysitter. she's a smart girl, very competent and logical. plus, she's taken the babysitters course, so i was confident that she'd do just fine, and it seems as though she did. i feel excited about this step/milestone.

i like that i know my friends' kids. i don't mean that i'm acquainted with them, but i need that i know them as people - what they're like, their personalities, interests, quirks. i feel well acquainted with bren's kids.

it looks as though this week is the start of a new routine - small group on thursdays, and swimming on tuesdays. we've started swimming lessons at artillery park. we started infant swimming lessons when éamon was 3 months old, but those were just drop-in classes at the Y. these lessons at artillery park are sign-up classes that i paid for in advance. i'm very pleased that they're evening classes, and it worked out nicely because it's on the evening that brendan works in napanee, and i've been finding those evenings more challenging at éamon's current stage. i was a bit reluctant to sign up though, because it's more expensive than the Y. but i weighed the options (time of day, location, etc) and decided to proceed, and i'm glad i decided to do that because it was immediately evident that the quality of class was much better at artillery park. as we waited for the class to start, éamon was scooting around on the pool side, and several times attempted to make a break for it down the pool ramp into the water. it was both naughty and hilarious. he really loves water.

check

it's surprising how much music impacts my impulse to write. a good song gives me that urge. right now i'm really into 'wake owl'.

recently i've only been reading books i find fun and amusing. easy reads that i look forward to reading. sadly it seems there aren't a lot of fun reads that i haven't already read. i checked a list of fun reads on 'good reads' and i'd read 20 of the top 25 books. i just finished the princess bride and found that i really did live up to the "it's better than the movie" saying, which is impressive since it's a great movie. i think it helps that the screenplay was written by the same person who wrote the book.

since i couldn't find another funny book, i've started reading the very unfunny 'sweetness in the belly'. i think i've heard good things about it, and i picked it up at the next garage sale recently. if i recall correctly, it was a big book club favourite a few years ago. it's heavier, but not too heavy.

tomorrow marks one month of brendan being without work. in that time he's applied for several jobs and had one interview. i've heard before that it roughly takes 3 months to find a new job, so i'm hoping that happens. although, we're doing ok and brendan's keeping busy. it's funny to me that shortly after i finished being at home, he's back to being at home. it's like we're taking turns. on the upside, it's convenient to have someone at home to do at-home things.

through rachel i discovered this computer app called 'f.lux' – it changes the colour of your screen after sunset so it becomes warmer in hue. it helps the transition from screen to bedtime. it seems to be doing the trick for me. i've been getting sleepy and heading to bed between 9:30 and 10:15. even though i'm going to bed early, i've been finding my 5:30 wake-ups quite difficult since sunrise is later these days. i can't remember how early the sunsets in november through to january. i'm hoping it's after 4, or i'm not going to see the sun at all.

what will become of the truth when we keep it in.

Fwd:

oh cat power, sometimes you are exactly what i need to listen to.

blade

i'm beginning to notice that lately, i deal with difficult things by just not thinking about it. at my current stage in life, i feel like it doesn't change anything if i allow the full weight of a situation hit me, so instead i just don't allow myself to spend time focusing on sorrow. at least that way, i can still function without feeling heavy-hearted.

a colleague of mine died in august. he was a really wonderful man, so lovely and kind and genuine. when news of his death was announced, no details regarding the cause of his death were shared. i've come to observe in recent years, that if those details are not disclosed openly, that there's probably a reason and the family is choosing to be quiet about it. and i respect that. in the weeks following his death, my boss told me in confidence that he'd taken his own life while on assignment in asia (this is now public knowledge). i was shocked by this news, because he was really the nicest, smiley-est person i know; and yet that explained the mystery around his death. emma was privy to quite graphic details (a news story had been published about it online), and she told me "don't google it - you don't want to know". i took her word for it and told her "i won't. that's the sort of thing i can't un-know, but would wish i could".

i chose not to go to his funeral even though i liked him very much. in an organization as large as the one i work at, the reality is that the number of work colleagues could greatly out number his family and close friends, and i really feel like a funeral serve should be for those who knew and loved the person the most. (i would not want a bunch of my work acquaintances pew warming at my memorial service).

anyway, i've been tasked with making a book of condolences for the family. it's a collection of photos him and messages for the family. when emma first asked me to take on this project, she felt badly for putting me in difficult position. but i told her that i was happy to help his family in a tangible way. but now that i've been working on it, collecting photos, reading messages and starting on the layout, my heart feels so heavy. and with each photo i can't avoid thinking about this terrible loss and feel saddened by his desperation and hopelessness. especially one photo that seems to just sum-up everything - all that he was and that he's really gone. and when i imagine his wife and four 20-something sons looking at that picture it makes me feel like my heart is going to explode with sadness.

i used to think when i was little that when people died, you just move on and its like they were never alive. but now that i'm an adult and have experienced several deaths in recent years, i'm struck by the cruelty of death because you just never stop missing them. every once and a while, i'll say out of the blue to brendan "i miss david" and he'll say "i know you do". other times i tell him "i miss teri" i wish i could talk to her, and "i hate that jul died." i hate it!. today, i'm feeling that i hate that bill died. i hate it, and it makes me so sad.

Fwd: lalalalalalala

i knew that getting up at 5:30 am would mean that eventually i would be getting up before the sun. but i thought that wouldn't be until winter. today was rough getting up, and i felt like a zombie well into the day. it was one of those days that i wished that my alarm clock had gone off at the wrong time and i could get back into bed. it was so dark, and my body felt hungover from sleep, that i really would've have been surprised if it wasn't morning (or at least my morning. i realize that when i was maternity leave i still very much considered 5:30 as the middle of the night).

i think it'll be an early night for me.

well... it's been a while since i've written. éamon's getting big and is almost walking. he's keeping me busy and for the first time since he was born, i'm starting to feel like my life is changing. when he first arrived, nothing really changed. he just fit into our lives so perfectly that we didn't feel like having a baby was interrupting life as we know it. but that change is starting to happen now, which is ok, but also difficult. sometimes when i get home from work, i just want to sit an read, but i've got this junior toddler who is always getting into things, or wants to be held, or doesn't want to be held but will just sit there whining. it's comical really. clearly he's frustrated because he can't communicate his wants. the only word he says is dada and he uses that for everything. and he doesn't seem to get sign language, but instead thinks i'm being silly and laughs or claps when i try using signs. no doubt when he does start talking the floodgates will open, so i'll just try to be patient with his whining :S

b's been doing super well, keeping busy and enjoying his time off. it's giving him the chance to decompress from the toxic work environment at his old job. he actually has a job interview tomorrow for a coordinator position for a not-for-profit in town. we're kind of in the position that if he gets it, then great! and if not, that's fine too. i'm a little bit worried that being offered a part-time job (22 hours/week) will mean that he misses out on full-time job opportunities that might open up in the coming weeks. that said, i am very pleased at his response rate - 2:1 for resumes and interviews.

ugh, i'm still feeling yucky. it's got to be an early night tonight!

btw

last night my nose-ring broke off in the night. i'm not exactly sure what happened. i just know that my nose felt itchy at 1:30 and in my sleepy state i scratched it and the hoop came off in my hand. so in the night, i tried to find the original stud to put in, but it didn't fit. so my nose is empty for the first time since 2006. i don't really like it, and i feel kind of embarrassed to be seen without it. the same kind of embarrassment one feels when they think they have stuff stuck in their teeth. hopefully i can pick up a new hoop soon, but strangely enough, i realized all the stores i'd usually go to for that kind of thing have all moved out of the downtown area or closed. i'm going to try very shari at its new location, but shari died recently and i'm not sure if its still open. otherwise i'll have to try etsy. i hope it doesn't grow over (like last time).

i'm someone who listens to the same song on repeat if i really like it. last week i discovered a new song by hayden and have been listening to it on repeat ever since. this morning at work, i thought "maybe i should just listen to cbc music sonica again, and be done with this song", but after listening to cbc radio 2 for about two songs, my current song came on the air! i thought "who am i kidding" and am back to listening to it on continuous play again.  

hoyt

it's been an eventful weekend.

1) brendan was laid off from his job effective immediately on friday morning. the program he runs is closing at the end of december, and we were expecting him to get laid off then. BUT because they've been feeding such high numbers of people, they're way over budget and couldn't afford to keep him on staff til the end of the year. in some ways, it wasn't a shock, but the termination itself was poorly executed and unsettling.

2) on thursday evening, i decided i wanted to cut my hair. after b got let go, i decided to take the afternoon off. so after he and i'd chatted, i left him to process stuff and went to get my hair chopped. afterwards, i sent my hair off in the mail for cancer. i really like my new do. it's a nice fresh change. it's also more full and manageable.

3) shannon invited us to join them at her parents place this weekend for her birthday. we'd never been to that part of ontario before, and we had a nice time getting to know shannon's family. it was also fun hanging out with a+s for the whole weekend. the timing was also really good since it distracted us from out latest lift-change and gave us something to focus on instead of our worries and concerns (i'm mostly anxious about éamon's daycare – everything else will work out just fine. i don't want to pay for and keep him in full time since we don't need to, but don't want to pull him out in case a new job opportunity comes up quickly – it's so hard to know the right thing to do).

anyways, that's everything from me.

Fwd: expertise

(i actually wrote this on friday, but didn't get around to posting it)

--

oh man!
a few mornings ago, i woke up with the name 'jill dempsey' repeating in my head. i don't know if this ever happens to you, but sometimes a name or a word will get stuck in my head like a song. the thing that confused me about this is that i don't know anyone by the name jill dempsey. i was really puzzled by it, but later forgot about it as the day got going. however... i was just listening to the news, and the news reporter just said "hello, i'm jill dempsey". so mystery solved! haha.

tomorrow we're having a garage sale. i've never had a for-profit garage sale before, and i really don't know how much to expect. thankfully, we're doing it more to get rid of stuff, and not because we need the cash for something. i'd kind of like to make $100, but that's probably overly ambitious. our most valuable item is my dad's old road racing bike, but i'm going to give him the money for that. thankfully, the weather is looking good, which will make hanging out outside with our stuff more fun, AND we're more likely to have a larger group of customers.

i'd also, we bought a storm door that i'd like to install on the kitchen door, and i'm hoping to get to that together. but it seems that éamon is afraid of the sound of the drill, similarly to how he's afraid of the sound of the vacuum (he didn't used to be, this is a relatively new development). i'm not exactly sure how we'll be able to install the door while keeping the baby from panicking. i have to admit, he's pretty cute when he's scared of something. he tries to bum scoot away as fast as he can, which again, is super cute.

enough

today was just one of those days when everything seems to go badly. not everything, just things that matter to me. i wish i could start over and do things differently. when spare time is limited, it's hard to not get upset when it gets wasted because of poor planning and poor communication (both on my part). i guess i'll just have to get used to the fact that not every wednesday afternoon is going to be a 'win'.

if you'll excuse me... i'm going to go to bed and hopefully i'll wake up in a better mood tomorrow.

Fwd: considering

after 4 weeks back at work, i can confidently say things are going well. i'm adjusting to my new routine, i'm enjoying my work, i like my new workstation, and éamon's doing well at daycare. he didn't cry at pick-up at all this week. i really like it when i arrive and he's playing well independently.

but i do have one problem. my new workstation is in a different part of the building (it's literally 50ft from my old spot, but it actually makes a significant difference), and i don't really know any of my neighbours (other than being acquainted). i'm a good conversationalist, but i am shy, especially when i have no reason to break the ice. actually... i'm shy AND independent, which means that i literally have no reason to interact with the people around me. they're in different departments than me. we work in parallel to one another, but never work together. i can go hours without speaking to anyone in person (my team is all in europe). i find myself in a bit of a funny situation, because i like having my freedom to do my own thing and i REALLY like not being interrupted. BUT i know that if i stay on this trajectory, that i'll increasingly invisible, and i'll start to feel lonely. i'm pretty sure that there are some around me that don't quite know what to think of this random person in their midst. in the past, when i've been friendly with people outside my department, it's been when they're very outgoing and break the ice with me. but unfortunately... two of those people have DIED (ugh! i miss them both!) and another two left the company. so i've decided to start putting myself out there more. to smile and say hello to people. i might even have to forgo listening to music, because i'm sure my headphones are contributing to my isolation.

bah. it's ok, i'll give it time.

on another note... never in my life have i wished for a band to break up and for all their music to be accidentally deleted from every source. until now. when i was pregnant, i listened to 'of monsters and men' and lot, i really liked them. BUT i listened to them while suffering from morning sickness, and now whenever i hear them i get nauseous. yuck! i wish i never had to hear them again.

Fwd: rain

now that i go to bed early (between 10 and 10:30), i'm always surprised that when i wake momentarily in the night, only to discover that it's only 12:30. it's funny because it feels like i've been sleeping for a long time. i've heard several times that every hour of sleep you get before midnight is worth twice as much as an hour after midnight. perhaps this is why i feel pretty well rested, even though i get up at 5:30 each morning.

i've just completed my first full week of work, and it was pretty good. i have wednesday afternoon off, and it LOVED that. i finished at 11 am, so it felt like a normal day off. truth be told, when i was at home on mat leave, my mornings were not particularly productive, so i'm not really missing anything by working that morning (other than sleeping later).

i'm definitely on my way to being fully adjusted to my new life, but poor eamon's having a harder time. he cries a lot when brendan drops him off in the morning, and then cries almost inconsolably when i pick him up in the afternoon. i think he's just so overwhelmed with a range of emotions that it's expressed with tears. i just have to hold him for a while, and usually nurse him for a bit until he settles down and is ok with not being held. i know it will get better, and eventually he'll love going to day care, but it sucks that he has to go through this first. it'll be ok, and it's kind of nice to see that he's so attached to us.

plinth

it's kind of ironic, or perhaps just a funny coincidence, that within a week of shannon losing her camera, we lost our camera charger. she has a charger and we have a camera, and yet they're useless together.

i've been listening to cbc radio at my workstation. i'm particularly fond of cbc sonica. i was telling brendan "i don't know what sonica is, or what it means, but i like it". since then i've discovered that sonica is an "adult alternative" station. that still doesn't explain a lot to me about it's name, but i'm struck my the use of the word "adult". it's not that it came as a surprise to me that i'm an adult - i've had a career job for a decade, have a baby and own a house. but radio stations with the word "adult" in it conjure up concepts or notions in my head of this strange and baffling grown-ups i observed as a teenager with their high pants and lawn mowing. it's interesting that being an "adult" is not at all how i perceived it in my salad days. it's actually not so bad. all this said... i'm really digging being able to listen to the cbc in millhaven.

bottom

i'm pretty sure that i've been sitting incorrectly on a bike my entire life.
now, i realize that doesn't seem possible, but believe me... i've discovered that it is.

seahorse

years ago, i did an enneagram personality test. it pegged me as someone who highly values freedom. which is true. and as the sun sets on my year of freedom from work, i find myself wishing that freedom wasn't so important to me. because the reality is that being an adult is full of experiences, choices, obligation, duties, and it's starting to occur to me that freedom, the way i've valued it, is just not feasible. it's almost a childish notion to believe that one can do whatever they want, whenever they want. not only childish, but perhaps also self-indulgent or just plain selfish.

maybe it's time for me to start re-framing this notion of freedom. instead of "freedom to", i should think about it as "freedom from". freedom from busy. freedom from stress. freedom from debt. freedom from worry.

yesterday, after skeleton park music festival. i bought myself some candy. i like candy, and i gave myself permission to have some. funnily enough, i felt really gross in my body afterwards. another fine example: instead of freedom to eat candy... freedom from feeling gross, heavy, bloated, etc.

i only have three weeks left until this year is just a memory. something i did once. something i remember doing. that's hard. harder than some of the other parts. éamon will be fine at daycare. and i actually think we'll be fine apart (once we adjust). but no longer living as though my time is my own will be a tough one. except, i guess this is a reality i need to start getting used to. éamon is less portable than he once was and i've already started having to miss out on things i was once free to attend. and i suppose, if i really think about it, i don't mind. i like being at home. it's like diving underwater – eventually i'll socially resurface. in the meantime, maybe i'll just learn to enjoy the quiet, more slow paced life-style. maybe freedom is over-rated.

i've been waitin' here for days
tryin' to catch a break
the way I'm livin', it's gonna cause my heart to ache.

refreshing

there's a number of things i'm not looking forward to about returning to work (being away from éamon, early mornings, cramming my personal life into my evenings, having to follow a schedule not of my own design, etc etc). but there are a few things that will be good, and i'm going to focus on those things as much as possible. i especially like thinking of this return to work as an opportunity to start over. after working at BBD for 10 years, i just sort of did things out of habit, and over time, that pattern was pretty tired, worn and ready to be thrown out. so i'm excited about starting fresh.

i want to use my morning commute as a chance to do some oil pulling.

i'm going to pick up a radio that i can plug headphones into so i can listen to the cbc (after having the freedom to listen to talk radio, i don't want to give that up).

on friday, i bought a folding bike that i'll keep in the trunk of my car and take it out at lunch time for off-site bike rides.

i got a new lunch box and new tea thermos so i can enjoy new eating and drinking routines.

i want to make some bunting flags and hang them in my cubicle to decorate the place and make it fun and homey for me.
 
and so on and so forth. i'm actually really excited about this opportunity to re-invent my work life. i want there to be less of a disconnect between my home habits/preferences and my work habits/preferences.

at the very least, i have new things to look forward to, not the same-old same-old of my first working decade.

skeleton bones stand at the sound
of eternity on the lips of the found.

air

i've been thinking a lot since this weekend away about identity. i was really surprised to discover how much and how prominent labels still are nowadays. i kind of assumed that in this modern age, where diversity was valued, that labels were no longer relevant. but i ended up concluding that for people who are struggling to attain and maintain a sense of self, that perhaps such labels are a way for them to take hold of something clear and defined.

i was thinking about my own identity, what parts of my identity would throw me into crisis if suddenly taken from me, and what things are inconsequential.

surprisingly, the first thing that comes to mind is my job. the significance of this really stands out to me, largely because i'm not technically at bbd right now, and i'm not technically working, but i still say "at my work" with regularity. while i wouldn't say it's influenced the way i see the world, it has given me a binocular through which to see the world. i've been able to learn about the world-at-large things i would never know or experience if it wasn't for this job at this company.

another big one is my relationships and community. friends, church, partner. as well as my identity as christian/jesus follower.

i also see how my circumstances have shaped me. things like coming from a broken home, being single for the majority of my 20s, and being a woman. now... when i say being a woman, i don't mean that my identity is shaped by simply being a woman, but rather by the social context in which i'm a woman. because i don't think my job, community, family or faith would be dramatically different if i was not a woman. but it seems that it's how i'm viewed as a woman that has the greater impact on me. interactions with men, interactions with other women, safety at night (or feelings of lack of safety), social norms, etc. for whatever reason, i feel that i'm a strong and capable PERSON (whether this is my natural disposition, or the result of years of having to overcome challenging circumstances), and i think i would've fared equally well/comfortably as a man. and so i think to myself, what is it then, that makes me feel connected to my womanhood? (because i do, and am) and i feel that it's because i embrace my lot in life as a physical female, a social female. it also doesn't define me, but is just one aspect of who i am.

i feel now, like my ramblings are taking me in a different direction then i'd intended. so let me get back to what i was trying to say... that identity is too complex (in my mind) to be boiled down to just one label. i think that "person" or "unique individual" or "lesley" is the only label i need. because circumstances change, and people develop, and i don't want to be limited to just one definition.

foolishness strips the soul of its light.

swing dancer

today we planted our third 'garden of eat-in' at 79 main street. when we were done, we all happily agreed that it was our prettiest garden yet! i also think it's our most practical. we've only planted vegetables and herbs that we want to eat and/or plants we know will successfully grow. we also laid black cedar chips, which will suppress the weeds and also really make the plants and the paths really pop. EXCELLENT!

éamon and i also joined a group bike ride down to the water where the living roomers for a lakeside picnic. i'm so happy to be cycling again, and even more happy that i can tote éamon along in the stoller (since it doubles as a bike trailer). i've decided to keep my eye out for an inexpensive folding bike to keep in my cubical so i can go cycling at lunch time.

ugh, i'm so tired and worn out today. i'm going to go lie back on the loveseat and watch 30 rock with b...

it was perfect til
he came along and wrecked it.

sofa

brendan and i have been married nearly four years, and during that time we have not kept a chores schedule with assigned chores. but at this point, it seems like the reasonable thing to do. it makes me wonder why we ever thought chores would get done unintentionally, or that they'd just sort themselves out. this is probably partly because i've never had a chores roster with housemates, but i suppose the longest i lived with friends was a year and a half. it was always a short term arrangement. this is a long term arrangement, so having a plan is probably a good idea.

i was talking with someone the other day who was asking about when i return to work. i go back 2 months from today. as we were talking about this upcoming transition for me, i told her about the things i've been thinking and doing to prepare for that, and she said "sounds like you're nesting for this change". that struck me interesting because i'd never thought of it that way, but i really like the sound of that.

i got this new lunch box. it's called a planet box. i really wanted something that was an all in one tray that had separate little compartments for small portions of different things. this is exactly what i was imagining.

i don't really know what's going to happen in two months. brendan's work might be closing, so it's a definite possibility that éamon won't be going to daycare after all. he'll just stay home with dada. the question seems to be WHEN is it closing – august or december. we both feel ok about this, and we're both happy at the thought of éamon being at home with b. the timing is just a bit unclear, but i'm sure it'll work out and there's no sense in being anxious for certainty.

éamon's in a bit of a fussy phase since yesterday. he's just whining a lot and wants to be held all the time. it might be his teeth. he had another tooth cut through yesterday (the fourth this month!). he finally fell asleep. so i'm going to go enjoy some peace and quiet.

all the meals you rushed
– never tasted.

as much

i don't know about you... but there are times in my life when i just have so much to say that i end up saying nothing. vincent told me once that sometimes i say too much, and sometimes i say too little. i suppose this week i've fallen in the latter category.

let me just say a few things as bullets so that i feel slightly more up to speed, then i can start talking on other stuff.

• we had an amazing time in philly. it was a really good trip and i'm really glad we went there instead of cuba. i'll get back to our trip later.

• when we got back, we picked up a new couch that i'd found on kijiji, and i'm slowly adjusting to it. it's slightly more bulky than our previous couch, but it's quite soft and i quite like lounging on it. 

• most of my headspace has been taken up with sermon prep for tomorrow. i haven't preached in a year. i've been avoiding it largely because it weighs heavily on my mind, heart and energy. that said, since i've had rather short notice, i've been able to avoid that weight for an extended time.

• éamon's starting to scoot around and get into things. it's really fun. yesterday, he ate some of my pad thai and i felt super proud of him. there's really nothing he won't eat. while i'm enjoying this new stage, there is part of me who feels nostalgic for his young, more fragile, more stationery phase. 

• i've been thinking and chatting a lot lately about my future career wise. these discussions have been met with mixed responses. however, as i look towards the more near future, i've been trying to find creative ways of addressing the less appealing aspects of working life. surprisingly enough, i'm not dreading the early mornings. lately when i've been out or up early, i've enjoyed that special time of day. 

free to roam, made a home out of everywhere i've been.

cedar

well, we're heading out on our trip to philadelphia this morning. i'm pretty excited about it. there's part of me that feels it's a lot harder to drive your self somewhere than to just sit on a plane and let someone else take you there. but then on the other hand, we have a lot more freedom with what we bring, and a more flexible schedule. we've borrowed a GPS device, so i'm sure things will go smoothly.

it'll be nice to spend some time in a different place. it's not like i need a break from life here, but it's always energizing to see a different place and a different part of the world.

we haven't done a lot of trips where we need to bring a lot of supplies (food, games, equipment). and i feel like i'm still getting used to being the one responsible for all these things (rather than my parents or joy or someone else). it's exciting to not have someone taking care of me, but it's also a lot more work. now i have to pack for the baby and for me. it feels like a lot of responsibility, but i'll get used to it. it'll become the norm for travel.

i should go. i got up at 7 to get a bunch done, and i've just spent 18 minutes on the computer. i need to mentally aim at 8:30 if we're going to leave at 9.

now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened

about

you know...
i've got to say...

after all the hype built up around 'sham wow's, i was expecting something more than just a think piece of felt.

but that said, it makes perfect sense. what else is such a great absorber.

newspapers

there are several occasions in life when one feels a greater awareness of their clothing...

• when returning from a trip from a warmer climate;

• after extensive amounts of naked time around the house;

• when wearing uncomfortable clothing;

• and, after someone accidentally sees you naked.

all i can say is that it was a close call. i'll classify it as horrifyingly embarrassing rather than full out humiliating :p next time, i won't be so quick to walk around the house naked without checking the curtains or, at the very least, if the coast is clear.

on another note, i want nick miller to make me a mixed cd.

everytime i look around
it's in my face.

traditionalist

i've been starting to think that maybe sometimes people don't change. or maybe what i should be saying, rather than "people" i should be more specific. i don't change. I don't. me.

every so often i feel really on top of things, specifically around the house. things are tidy, dishes are done with regularity, yada yada yada. and i feel liberated from my old ways. but there comes a day where i let one thing slide. i always figure that it's no big deal, it's just one thing. but things start to pile up and eventually, they slip for a few more days, so that eventually i'm back to square one, only it feels worse because i can still remember how good it feels to be tidy.

i'm currently in an upswing. but for the first time, i struck me that this most likely will not last, and i'll "suddenly" find myself stressed and frustrated by our messy house – probably sooner than i'm expecting.

today, i've felt overcome by stress. pretty much everything i could've stressed about, i did. i don't know if this was partly because i had some caffeinated tea, but i'm sure it didn't help (that said, it was tastey).

i was thinking about returning to work. and all things aside (missing my kid, having to get up early in the morning, having less time to manage our home), just considering me and the job, i realized that there's always been part of me that's resented my job. the commute, my unflexible work schedule, how it steals my time and energy, how i'm stuck indoors all day, how inactive i am, how i have to wear uncomfortable business-casual clothes. when i started at 23, i was unfamiliar with those struggles, and for 10 years i didn't know anything else. it was my only reality. i really don't want to resent how i spend my time – how i spend my life, for that matter. i'm really going to have to psyche myself up for round two.

i’ve gotta know… can we work it out?

fixed

i'm not what you'd call 'an early adapter', but neither am i a late adapter. i usually land somewhere in the middle. trying something new once it seems proven and i've heard good reviews from reputable people.

this past weekend i bought an eReader. i'm pretty excited about it. i felt reluctant because i like books. i like the smell of books, the feel of books, i like browsing through books at book stores, i like keeping books as mementos. so for all these reasons, and more, i was not interested in an eReader for a long time. until recently, when i was looking at our bookshelf full of books and thought we were running out of space. i started wondering if my nostalgic feeling towards books was really worth the trade off.

so i chose a kobo touch, and so far i really like it. it's actually really compatible with my current life style, because i always found reading a book while nursing was too difficult. éamon was always moving, his arms and legs would get in the way, i'd lose my place, i'd have to set down my book quickly and lose my page. but with the kobo, i can hold it in one hand, i can turn the page with the touch of a finger, i can put it down and pick it up again right where i left off, it's great. i'm very pleased. AND often times the eBook is cheaper than the paperback or hardcover.

needless so say, i've been doing a lot more reading these days. that, and the fact that i've reduced my time watching netflix. our internet bill was super big for february, and i was going to call and increase our bandwidth, but it turns out that's no longer necessary because of my reduced tv time :p yay for self-discipline!

i try, i've tried, i'm still trying

solar

when i was a kid, we lived in collins bay. our house was on clark crescent and it faced north. every spring, i'd watch the snow on all the other front lawns melt away, while we were stuck with a big pile of snow out front to gaze upon. thinking back, i spent a lot of time sitting, starring out that window, which is kind of surprising since there was very little foot traffic. this afternoon, éamon and i popped out our front door to check the mail and i was surprised to see that almost our entire garden was free from snow, and yet the house across the street is still covered. it's nice to be on the sunny side for a change.

the sun is coming up.

pick

for some reason, today i started feeling very excited for éamon about daycare. i think he's going to do well there, will learn a lot and make friends. i feel confident about this new adventure. it's also nice because this optimistic feeling isn't coming from a jaded place in me. it's not like i'm sick of him, because i'm not. i just feel encouraged that it'll be a good change for us.

with the worry of daycare off my shoulders, i don't dread returning to work in july. i love the freedom i have now – a loose schedule, a loose bedtime, a loose wake-up time, not being in a hurry, getting to do whatever i want. but thankfully, as far as work goes, i like my job, and for the most part, i'll be happy to be there.

in july, we'll begin a new normal that will last for several years. the thought of diving into that new routine seems appealing. that said, i will reach a point when the novelty wears off, and it'll start to feel daunting. but i think i'll do a better job at protecting my time and energy, because i know how much better i feel when i'm not stretched thin.

my main regret is how far away my office is. i want to find a way to use that time well. or perhaps to even find out if it's possible to use my commute in a better way. what can be done with 23 minutes of sleepy-tired driving in the morning, followed by 23 minutes of work-tired driving in the late afternoon?

darling,
i'll be waiting here until these days are through,
and then i'll work some more.

holder

for some reason i'm growing tired of facebook. actually, tired isn't quite the right word, more like weary. it's not facebook itself, but i kind of miss the days when people had actual status updates rather opinion pieces. i didn't ask, nor do i care, why are you telling me this. what i am interested in is what you're up to lately.

i'm also a little increasingly uncomfortable when it seems a person is using facebook to fill some kind of emotional need. i think everyone has a legitimate need for connection and community, but it strikes me as sad when facebook is (or appears to be) the only means of relationship. i've seen people put extremely personal information (such as details of marital strife) on facebook, and it made me so sad because that's the kind of info that should be shared with close friends or family, not 260+ of your closest acquaintances.

and i think it also troubles me that i compulsively check my facebook (without conscious intention), even though there's never really that many updates in the course of a couple hours. yesterday i didn't check it all day until evening (which was what i'd do while working), and i was caught up in a matter of minutes, so it's really not necessary for me to check it so often.

all of this said, i think it's better for me to put a little distances between this tool that can both amuse and irritate me. during the lenten season, i decided to put restrictions on my use of netflix. maternity leave + nursing + netflix = a lot of wasted time. when i was a kid, my mom would let us watch an 1.5 hours of tv a day, and would regularly tell us that she'd rather we used our imagination, which i value. i don't really know how much time i was spending watching netflix, but i can be sure that i wasn't using my imagination or other forms of creativity or activities that i value. so i'm reverting to my childhood rules around tv, and have already found this a very rewarding discipline. i've been reading, praying, reflecting, and in general managing my time much better. so i think i'll keep to this schedule come easter.

i will not be a victim of circumstance.

mandolin

even though i shouldn't be surprised, i was struck today when i realized by how conversations with my girl-friends have changed. five years ago, while sharing a meal with friends, the conversation would've been about dating and men. but today, during brunch with shannon and scarlete, we talked about babies and finances. i suppose it's natural for discussions to evolve with life circumstances, but it still amused me some. it just emphasized that we're growing, changing and maturing into adults.

i'm sure i've mentioned this before, but spring always feels like my season. what i mean by that is that i feel so much more comfortable in my body and so liberated in general that it's a season i feel able to really thrive in. this afternoon, i left éamon at home with brendan and headed down to the grocery store. i was wearing my spring/fall vest, new pants (which are 3 sizes smaller than what i had been wearing), and a new bag that arrived today from etsy. i don't know if it was the freedom of my winter jacket, the fact that my pants fit me and didn't sag or bunch, or just the excitement of my long-awaited bag, but i was reminded of what it's like to be streamline and to feel good in my own skin. i feel like i've really come into my own. it's encouraging. plus, even though i know we still have a few weeks left of winter, these pockets of spring-like weather here and there will definitely get me through :)

i bought this ben howard album last spring. i remember not getting as hooked on it as i'd expected myself to at the time. there was part of me that wondered if my timing was just off and that i might've connected with it better in another season of my life. it seems that season is now. i'm hooked on it like it was brand new. it's funny how that is sometimes.

the river's cracked and cold.

the worst!

i'm still coming down from an upsetting incident this afternoon. so i thought i'd tell you about it so that i might feel a little better. to begin with, i'll just say that i got scammed.

this afternoon, while i was in the middle of making myself a salad, the phone rang. i was only really half listening when a man with a thick accent told me that he was calling from visa and that i'd been selected for a lower interest rate because of my credit history. i've always made a point of paying my credit card off each month so that i never have to pay interest, but whenever visa offers me perks because of my credit history i always accepted. so i was like, "ok", which then began a long back and forth of me confirming my identity with security questions, etc. it didn't take long for me to become frustrated because i was just about to eat and this guy was making me read the visa phone number off the back of my card (which i thought was weird, but now realize that was the first clue). while i was trying to get my credit card out of my wallet, i accidentally hit end, and he called back right away and defensively saying "why did you hang up on me?". in hindsight, his persistence and, at times, rude behaviour shouldn't been an indication that something wasn't right. actually, his poor grasp of the english language should've also been a tip off for me, because visa's operators are always clear and well spoken. 

he was soon badgering me for my credit card number so he could look up my account. i kept protesting, and even started to ask for his supervisor. but when he was able to tell me what my last payment was and for how much, as well as other information like my current credit limit, i became more trusting and did regrettably tell him my credit card number. but thankfully, i each time he repeated it back to me, it was always a few digits off, so i'm not sure if he really had it in the end. i really put up a fight all the way through our phone call, and kept saying i didn't want to give him the information he was asking for, but he kept displaying my hesitation and made me seem unreasonable. i suppose one of the main tricks of a shyster is to make you doubt yourself.

when he told me that they were going to charge me a one-time fee of $400 to lower my interest rate to 6%, i told him 'no way'. i demanded that he not proceed and that i didn't want, nor need a lower interest rate. then he started saying i needed to give him my email and facebook information so he could remove the charges, which i knew was B.S. so i hung up and called the customer service line. i was calling to complain (i had my suspicions that something wasn't right, but he'd provided some tangible reasons to believe him. i was very confused by the whole interaction). as soon as i told a portion of the story to the visa customer care rep, she told me that it was a scam and they were going to cancel my card right away. she also told me to cancel my email account too, which i didn't know how to do that, and i have lots of important (to me) emails. but when i spoke to someone in their security department she said that simply changing my password should be enough.

i called brendan as soon as i got off the phone with visa and immediately started crying. it's interesting that i was able to keep it together until i talked to him. before that my emotions came out in different ways, like aggression or talking fast. b could hardly understand what i was saying because of my blubbering, but he managed to calm me down. i'm hoping this is all behind me and that we (visa and i) caught it before my identity was stolen. i suppose it could've been worse, i didn't give out my SIN or my banking information. but i still felt so stupid. i'm not an overly trusting person, but he provided enough information to seem legit and he confused me enough through our back and forth dialogue. this whole thing really ruined my day.

the dark is light enough to see the ignorance of greed.

splash

when joy and tim bought a chest freezer, they said it made them feel like they were officially grown-ups. every so often they tease me and say i'm not a grown-up because i don't have a deep freeze, and i never argue with them about it, because i don't feel like a grown-up. or at least i didn't, now i do.

today i cried.
i cried when i realized i was a grown-up, and from here on in, things would be different.

i cried because it came out of no where, for the most unexpected reason.

i didn't feel like a grown-up when i got my first car, or when i got my job, or when i got my very own apartment, or when i traveled alone for the first time, or when we got married, or when we bought a house, or when we had a baby. i still felt like myself. like my life was my own, and i was happy with each new step.

but today, i knew i'd reached adulthood, when i realized that having this second car meant we couldn't take a trip to the caribbean. i knew i was a grown-up when i recognized that i couldn't do the fun thing, but had to do the responsible thing. it's not even that we can't go south, but it's that we shouldn't because we have other, more important things we need to spend that money on.

we got our new-to-us car on monday, and twice this week it wouldn't start in the morning. plus, we had to pay for the safety today, and the total came $666 – which i'm hoping is not a bad omen. i guess it helps that i know we need this car (i have no doubt about that), but that also kind of makes it harder. i'm used to being able to find away to do both, but i can't this time. and so i cried. i cried as a way of letting go. i cried as a way to mourn my old way of life (maybe even my carefree youth). i cried as i recognized the loss of part of my identity. i cried because deep down i thought i'd be able to avoid "settling down". i cried because it caught me off guard.

now, with that behind me, i can adjust my expectations and find a way to be the adult version of lesley. instead of going to the caribbean, we're taking a roadtrip to philadelphia for 5 days. and i'm happy to say, i'm really excited about it. we'll be able to keep it simple, but also get to see and do some cool things. i have said in the past that we'll do more north america travel once we have kids. i guess i thought that wouldn't be until they were a little older. i really wanted to take a trip to the caribbean to prove to myself that i'm the same as i used to be, and that my baby hasn't turned me into a fuddy-duddy. which is dumb, AND a terrible reason for doing something. as brendan pointed out, trying to maintain my 'freedom' would just make me super irresponsible, and it wouldn't be good.

i guess circumstances catch up to you at some point. i just don't know how to identify with this new phase in my life. i guess i'll figure it out as i go, just like everyone else.

think of all the roads,
think of all their crossings.

chap

last night i went to bed feeling pretty discouraged about my physical self. dissatisfied with lots of different things – i need a haircut; my baby tooth is super close to falling out, but we don't have the funds to do anything about the toothless gap; after losing 7 pounds, i seem to be stuck at a plateau; yada yada yada. as i lied in bed, curled up to get warm, i thought about how girls in their teens and 20s, complain about their bodies, but are most likely in great shape – better shape than they'll be when they're older. i dunno, maybe that's not the case with everyone, but it was the case with me. it's silly that we always find flaws to fixate on. i was still feeling discouraged this morning when i got up. so i chose to make small gestures that would make me feel nice, as well as comfortable (comfort helps minimize feelings of awkward bulkiness). i felt a little better today. it's easy to get discouraged.

this afternoon we went for a tour of the daycare we'd like éamon to go to. it's just at the end of our street, and our niece goes there. it's interesting because i used to work at a daycare in highschool (as an after-school job). i usually take that experience for granted and forget that it's not assumed that i'm familiar with that environment. so it was interesting to have that comparison when touring the facility. we liked it. it's like a large house, which is cool. and we saw audrey, as well as noah and cambria, so that was fun. when the tour was finished the lady told me to call back in a month to find out if they have an available place for him. but then she called me a couple hours later to let me know that they did have room if we wanted it. so that's great! every so often, i get upset when i think about only getting to spend 4 hours a day with him. it's best not to think of it that way, because it seems bleak. now that we've seen the centre, i feel more comfortable about it. i think it'll be a good place for him, and us too.

i think i bought the moon.

turn

i think there's a bit of a social epidemic going around. i don't know if it's just my social circle, but it seems that every conversation i have, involves someone being worried about what other people would think of their personal life decisions – where they shop, how they parent, how green they are, what form of birth control they use, what church they go to. truth be told (and i mean this most sincerely), i'm sick of it! it's so unfair that women are feeling this way.

besides the fact that it's sad that people are feeling guilty because of imagined judgement (i say imagined because in most of these cases, no one has actually confronted them about their decisions). people shouldn't feel that they need to hide their choices from their friends – friends should be supportive! and they really shouldn't feel a need to hide their choices from strangers – who cares what strangers think!

i'm quite convinced that when a person is self-conscious of their decisions, it's because they still have some doubts in their mind. but for whatever reason (circumstances or limitations – whether financial, physical, time, energy, etc) this is the best solution they've come up with. i feel like sometimes we just have to trust each others judgement, instead of presuming we know better. it's so much easier being different when we're confident in our choices.

i also think it's way easier facing perceived judgment if we're transparent. often times, if i'm confused by another person's choices, their explanation can really shed light on the situation and i end up supportive of their decision. so let's be frank and forthright, instead of letting people speculate and jump to conclusions.

i don't know about you, but i'm going to take a bow, and not play that game anymore :)

so for the record...

• my kid has a soother. he doesn't use it a lot, mostly when we're out or when he's sleeping. i'm 100% ok with this.

• we're getting a second car. it's a gift from my father-in-law, brendan needs it for his job. you're welcome to borrow it outside of work hours.

• éamon sleeps in a crib. i'm glad. it means at the end of the day, we get to just be brendan+lesley. PLUS, i often wake up in the night, freaked out that our baby has gotten tangled in the sheets, but he's always fast asleep in his own bed.

• i usually flush the toilet, even when it's yellow. pee is stinky.

• i don't exclusively buy ethical meat. it's my ideal, but not always my reality. when i'm heading home, with my 19lb baby strapped to my chest, and i'm already at metro, it just doesn't make sense to walk 5 blocks out of my way, when i'm tired and just need to get home.

so that's that :) no one's perfect, and i don't expect it from anyone else.

the sun is out, the day is new.

vin

on the bus today, i sat in special seating area reserved for people with wheelchairs, strollers, walkers, etc. at first i started sitting there because i thought that people with special needs (including people with babies) were the folks those seats were intended for. but the sign actually says "reserved for people with mobility aid devices". i consider my baby carrier a mobility aid. anyways, so i was sitting there and this lady got on the bus. after she sat down i noticed that she was glaring at me. it was really awkward, but i told myself that maybe she didn't notice my baby (i'm wearing him in a hiking carrier these days because he's getting heavy). she kept staring at me, but i told myself not to be scared or worried. so i decided not to avoid her gaze, but to look back at her. so i did, but she neither broke her look away, nor did she speak. i started with a smile – nothing, so i tried saying 'hi'. then she started talking to me and was friendly and asked me all sorts of questions. in the end, it wasn't that she was angry that i was sitting in the reserved seating area, but that she was a troubled person and she was just staring.

on occasion i think that becoming a mom has matured me, or i've learned this or that. but then, i slip back into old habits of laziness and poor time management or negative self talk and being too hard on myself. and i realize i still have a long way to go.

taking steps is easy
standing still is hard.

shortening

when i think to the future, at the life i desire for éamon i consider a wide spectrum of things. but the one thing i always come back to is the element of loneliness. from my own experience and those around me, i feel that a life without loneliness is good – better than good. i feel like loneliness is one of the most crippling human experiences. it makes everything less enjoyable, less meaningful. it makes life feel like a waiting game, rather than something you engage in and embrace. i've been thinking about this for several weeks, and came across something in a book i was reading that affirmed that. i was going to quote it, but it turns out i just lent to the book to rach, so i'll have to paraphrase. basically, it talked about how loneliness runs deeper than surroundings. a lonely person could live in the most luxurious home, but without connection with other people, the comforts of home are empty.

when i mentioned to brendan that i want for éamon to not experience loneliness, b said that loneliness is what it means to be human, and i agree that that's true. i want éam to be empathetic and to reach out to lonely people, and the only way to be truly sympathetic is to have shared experiences. so i guess everyone needs to know what it means to be lonely, even for a short while, but hopefully not a long while.

it's cold now
but it's getting warmer.

onions

i know it's the weather – the intense cold and the piles of snow – but today is the first day that i've felt bored and wished i was at work. i don't really have anything to do around the house. i'm getting into a good rhythm of tidying frequently and chores don't take very long. immediately after coming up with an idea to crochet myself some new slippers, this thought came into my head: "is this really what my life has resorted to? finding myself hobbies to fill my time?". i totally know that's the weather talking, and probably some vitamin D deficiency too, because when i feel well-balanced and energized i'm content with hobbies. another sign that it's the weather is that i don't feel like i wouldn't have anything to say if someone was to pop by for a visit right at this moment.

éamon's fine. just playing and hanging out. he's a pretty low maintenance baby. he doesn't really need attending to either.

i will say this. b got me onto this singer/song writer laura marling. her latest album is the only new music i've really sunk my teeth into since i left work. it's usually hard for me to get into new music without listening to it on headphones in my cubicle. otherwise it's just background noise that i don't really take in. brendan first discovered laura through Q; he was attracted to her because she loves joni mitchell fan and it shows in her music. to simply say brendan is a fan of joni, fails to capture his full admiration for her as a person. i like joni, but we're significantly less acquainted, not enough for me to hear her influence in laura's music. instead (whether this is intended or not), i hear jewel. being a teen and 20-something during the height of jewel's career, i listened to jewel a lot. we started to part ways when she started leaning towards country. so, imagine my delight when i find something new that has a similar feel. the thing i like better about laura is that she's more confident, complex and substantial. jewel had a lot more angst in her music. or maybe it's just that when i listen to 1998-jewel, it brings to the surface everything that was insecure, superficial and flimsy about being 18.

well, my mom just called. sounds like she's feel bored and cabin-fevery too. another sign it's just the weather.

thank you naivety for failing me again.

stones

when i'm out and about with éamon, people like to talk to us. i've concluded after experiencing life with a baby has given me a glimpse into how kind and loving strangers can be. more times than not, people say "it goes by too fast", then tell me about their grown children. i got thinking about this yesterday, and i'm certain that it's not that it goes fast, but rather that it's so short. babies change really quickly because each phase is short and they're into the next one.

we started éamon on some brown rice cereal and banana this morning because today he turned 6 months. afterwards, i was surprised to feel a sense of change. we've had such a smooth transition into having a baby. éamon has been such an easy baby that his entry into our lives felt remarkably similar to how it felt before. but now at six months, he's getting more active (we can't easily take him a lot to stuff anymore), he's communicating what he wants more (he's waking earlier and making it clear that he wants to be up), and now i have to think about preparing food and snacks. don't get me wrong, all of these things are good, i'm happy that he's developing and changing, but it seems all of a sudden that things are noticeably different. last night i said to b, that it feels that the days of us being able to leave the house without having to plan ahead and/or bring a bunch of stuff with us, is sailing away on the horizon. those days are still fresh enough that it's like i can see see the boat sailing away. as time passes, and the memory of our past freedom is as faint as the mist from a long gone steam boat, this will seem normal. but for some reason, right now, i'm struck by this overwhelming feeling that the path ahead is beyond my scope of ability. i guess i just need to remind myself that the things we did and experienced in this last half year were new uncharted territory too. it'll be just fine.

set out for a great adventure.

liable

lately, i've been feeling more selective about what news and social media i'm exposed to. as i do my daily scan of google news for items that interest me, i often come across things that cause me to go like this "really? why is this news? why should i care about that person's private life?" i even tried adding a filter so i wouldn't have to read about people like lindsay lohan, but all that did was add her to my google alerts :S

they say that women often become out of touch when they have a baby. while i wouldn't say that's completely true for me, i will say that my tolerance for non-relevant, hollywood gossip and sensational news stories has gone down significantly. i just feel like there's way more important things in the world that need more attention.

it's funny because i don't feel isolated, but being at the mall last week with shannon, and seeing all the latest fashions was eye-opening. i don't know anyone who dresses like that. thankfully i'm happy to say that i'm content being out of touch. fashion trends and celebrities are things i can live without.

i think this means i'm officially a grownup.

i need something more
just a place to be alone.

flight

just got home from the dentist. i had two cavities filled. they were these mysterious (to me) 'in between the teeth' cavities. *shrug* i really wasn't looking forward to it (not like anyone would), but i was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't that bad. i ended up concluding that it was mildly uncomfortable compared to éamon's birth. man, giving birth is the gift that keeps on giving :p even the fact that my mouth is still frozen isn't so bad. i just hope my feeling returns by dinner time.

since i discovered i had these two cavities (which are caused by not flossing), i mentioned it to joy (or probably more accurately ranted at joy), and she told me about this easy dental flosser that's like a toothbrush. i picked one up for 3 bux, and since then have been flossing every day with no difficulty. it takes between 30 seconds to 1 minute. and i do it right before i brush my teeth at night. it's a good system. i never imagined flossing could be so easy. the dentist mentioned that he saw some warning signs of another cavity, but if i keep at flossing i'll be able to keep it at bay. i plan to :D

for some unknown reason, i've decided that i want to drink fennel tea after dinner every day. i've started fixing my tea (letting it steep) at the beginning of dinner so it's ready when i'm done eating. i'm not some what is compelling me, but i like the idea of this routine. it's only been a few days. i tried to buy some fennel tea at tara food's on saturday, but it cost $8! thankfully i didn't buy it because i found some at the bulk barn for $1.50. i love fennel tea. i think it's the perfect after dinner treat. sometimes i want to drink it in the afternoon, but i feel like i should just save it for dinner time so it continues to be something i look forward to.

dark before the dawn is the darkest that you know.

fennel

this afternoon i went out on my own for what was supposed to be a short errand, and found that i was enjoying myself so much that i took a few detours and added a few stops. i'd fed éamon shortly before i headed out, so i knew he'd be fine for a while. the only trouble was letting b know that i wasn't coming directly home. but once i found a telephone, i gave him a quick call, then was free from feeling rushed.

i never get tired of spending time with éamon. he's not a tiresome person to be around, neither is brendan for that matter. but every so often, when i get the chance to go out sans baby, i always enjoy myself immensely. i find that encouraging it suggests that i won't mind returning to work, since i'm comfortable on my own as long as i know that éam is ok.

during this solo outing, i started reflecting on how it feels being independent now compared to before i birthed this baby and became his mom. and the thought i kept coming back to was the word 'tough'. i feel tougher – stronger, more confident, more dauntless. i feel more sure of myself, i feel grounded and more empowered. and it's a great feeling. it's not like i was super insecure before, but i did often feel uncertain or unsure of myself. this is a nice and unexpected development.

we've come too far
to give up who we are.

insular

it's 6:40 in the morning, and i can't sleep. i woke up with éamon at 5:17 for a night-feeding, and i haven't been able to fall back to sleep :S

so anyways...

we have a tradition of spending new year's eve at the erb's place. sometimes we play board games, some times we talk the night away, last night we talked then b and jase broke out into a spontaneous jam session at 12:30 at night while rach and i chatted in the living room. éamon was there too of course. we took him from his crib at 10:00 to go over to the erbs, where he slept in his chair in the kitchen until he was rudely awakened by us singing in the new year ;) it was fun (and he was a real sport about it, he just stayed up til we went home after 1).

i've been thinking about things that are on the horizon for 2014.

we've been thinking of going to cuba in april.

in june-ish, we're going to go visit beckie in quebec city

in july, i'll go back to work and éamon will start daycare
also in july, i'd like to go camping for a weekend with a+s
in august, we're planning on going camping for a week in ithica, new york

in september, i'm probably going to atlanta on a business trip, so b and éamon will come with me

in october i might go to houston with work, but i'm kind of hoping i won't be needed. but if i am, i'll figure out something so éamon can come too.

at some point in the spring, we'll probably buy a second car. just something small, used and inexpensive. b needs a car for work. although, he'll probably use the CRV and i'll use the small car, if it's better on gas. i don't love the thought of having two cars, but we can car-share after work hours, so at least that would make it worthwhile for more than one reason.

so that's what my year is looking like, but you never know what else might come up. on the whole, i'd say it's likely to be a pretty nice one.

well, it's now just shy of 7 am. here's hoping i'll be able to fall back asleep.

the cold can bleach us out
and freeze our doubt.

cribbage

it feels funny that it's 2014, doesn't it? i'm not sure if i ever got used to the fact that 2013 was a real number, heck, i don't think i've ever really grown accustomed to our years starting with 20something.

i've been thinking a lot about new years resolutions. well... not resolutions exactly, just things i'd like to change this year. i've already mentioned that i've decided to stop wearing make-up (not that i wore it very often, but it's nice not thinking 'should i put make up on?'). i was going to throw it out last night when we got home from the erb's place, but i found that i had more than i realized, and one can never know when make-up will come in handy for a costume or something. so i've just stashed it all away for the time being. maybe i'll eventually give it to friends.

other than that, i'd like to...

1) eat better. i find eating healthy was easier when i worked, because i can only eat what i have with me. but at home, i can eat whatever, and whenever i feel like it. i've also noticed that i'm drawn to chocolatey treats, and so i want to re-train my tongue to like plain treats instead of indulgent treats. now, i'm aware that lots of people start off the new year planning on eating better, and don't stick with it. but i'm just looking at it as a year commitment (like the make-up thing) as an experiment. that's not to say that i won't have chocolatey treats, but i'll make my normal practice be one of better choices.

2) improve my posture. i believe this will go a long way to improve my body image. when i see myself slouching in photos, i find it terribly unflattering, and i'm convinced it adds the appearance of extra weight. i even notice a difference when i straighten my shoulders in front of a mirror, and it makes me feel better about myself.

in general, giving up make-up is pretty easy, because it doesn't actually require anything of me. the eating better and improved posture ones will require more effort. lastly....

3) give myself permission to write less. this might seem like a weird one, but the other day, i felt so disappointed in myself for not blogging as frequently as i have in the past. it bothered me so much that i considered (briefly) retiring from the blogosphere. i can't keep up with my former writing habits, and blogging is kind of passé now. but then the thought occurred to me, that that's lame. why do i think it has to be every day or nothing!?! every day that passes without me writing, i feel guilty, and i've had enough of that. yes, i wrote more when i was single, and the reality is people spend their time differently in each stage of their lives. there's nothing wrong with writing less prolifically now. the other day, jill wrote a blog entry. she writes only a handful of times a year, and i love it each time she writes. if anything, it makes me more excited when i see she's posted something. so i'm just gonna go ahead and write irregularly. when i feel like it, when i have something to say, when inspiration hits me.

four new year's resolutions seems like a tall order. but really two are 'out with the old' and two are "in with the new".

seas between us broad have roared.