petting zoo

have you ever felt mad about something (perhaps directed at a loved one), and as you try to explain your hurt and disappointment, you're able to identify what you're actually upset about? and suddenly it's not about the other person's mistake or short-comings. i have to admit, when i'm frustrated i quickly go to "what's wrong with you? normal people do this or that, why can't you do this or that?". sometimes deep-down i don't actually want x or y, but for that conversation i've connected x or y with love.

i've been taking care of my mom since i was 10 years old. i don't know if it was because she needed me to, or because there was no one else to do it. to be fair, my sister shouldered a LOT of this as well. between the two of us, we bore more responsibility than we should have. whether or not i resent this, i can't be certain. it definitely made me the person i am today. i have a great sense of empowerment, and very little sense of helplessness. joy and i have both grown into very capable women. the unfortunate thing about this is that i have very low expectations of my mom, and she has very low expectations of herself. sometimes i wish we had a 'normal' dynamic, where she was the mom and i was the daughter. but what is normal anyways?

i suspect that becoming a mother myself will bring me into uncharted territory with my own mom. the expectations i have of a mother to a new mother is formed mostly on observations of other families. if i expect her to be like other moms, i'm going to be really disappointed. i suppose i need to remember myself as well. just like every other new experience i've had that is hard, i know i can do this (take care of my newborn son). and i can do it without my mom's help. if i'm really honest with myself, there's part of me that feels embarrassed when people ask and i have to tell them that my mom doesn't want to be at the birth, and won't really be around to help much. but i'm not sure if that matters at all, because at the end of the day i don't need x or y. i just need her love and support, and i know she'll do that in her own way.

you shook my hand, wished me luck, said you had to go.

inland

in the three short months that brendan and i were engaged, we went to a show at the mansion with andrew+shannon and ben+meg. leif vollebekk (among others) played that night, and we bought his album. i listened to that album a lot when we were in greece - on my ipod during long bus rides through the greek countryside, or in the bath at the crowne plaza.

since we don't have a bath at the exile, i try to take advantage of bath tubs elsewhere. the night that i took my bath at the crowne plaza, brendan decided to go out to buy some beer at the closest kiosk (they had street kiosks throughout athens and thessaloniki, where you could buy drinks, chocolates, whatever). so i was settled nicely in a bubble bath when he headed out. about 10-15 minutes later he arrived back, having realized he'd left his money in his other pants. after he left the second time, the lights went out in our hotel room. in many european and asian hotels, you have to put your door key into a socket that turns on your electricity. when you leave and take your key, the power goes out. it usually has a few minutes of delay before the electricity is cut after removing the key. so when the power went off, i laid in the tub in complete darkness listening to leif vollebekk play through my pod's speaker. there was nothing i could do. i was wet and couldn't see a thing. i assumed that brendan had accidentally taken the key from the socket (we had two - it turns out it fell out onto the floor, but i didn't know that at the time or else i could have felt around in the dark for it while dripping onto the carpet). thankfully i knew that brendan would be back in about dozen minutes or so, so i just waited in the tub. it was peaceful really. and it made me think about how little so-and-so is immersed in 'water' and darkness all the time.

since it's been 3 years since his last album came out, i started wondering if leif had released another album or if he was going to. before i got the chance to look into that, b discovered that he'd been on Q last week to promote his new album. we bought it and i've been enjoying listening to it today. apparently he was going for an old familiar feeling, and i'm picking up on that. it's quite nostalgic and cozy. the thing i love about his music and lyrics is that they make me feel. feel all sorts of thing. it's good. it's soothing. it's inspiring.

i had a dream i was standing beneath the memphis moon
with william blake painting and crosby crooning.

meridian

i'm currently boiling 4 dozen eggs for the seder supper at next tomorrow night. i find boiling eggs frustratingly difficult. it's hard because there's no way of knowing if the egg is cooked all the way through until you open it, and once it's open you can't cook it longer. i have this awesome little egg timer that cooks with the eggs and tells you when the eggs are ready. but i didn't use it for the first round because i didn't know if it would work with 12 eggs, i only usually do two.

have i mentioned that brendan and i've been watching the prison show 'oz'? it's super hardcore. after the first episode i wasn't sure if i could keep watching it, but i watched another one and slowly became familiar with the characters. some pretty disturbing stuff happens, but oz is apparently the most realistic prison show ever, so i find it more informative than disturbing. living in a prison town, it's helpful to understand what the culture is behind those walls. the only downside is that i dream about it quite frequently. not nightmares or anything scary, just the characters often appear in my dreams. more so than other shows. but maybe that's because i'm pregnant and my dreams are more vivid that usual. although, the vividness of my dreams is pretty normal to me by now. it's funny how we adjust to new normals. sometimes i say to brendan that i don't think i even look pregnant, and he assures me that i do. again, i've probably just grown used to my protruding tummy.

shoot, i've just discovered that the clock in my kitchen is 5 minutes slow. this shouldn't surprise me since i was growing suspicious of that. i always arrive at least 5 minutes late to work, even when i leave ontime. i hate it when that happens – when my clocks slow down. it makes me feel like i've lost 5 minutes of my life.

on the corner of main street
just tryin' to keep it in line.

super

the midwives clinic host a monthly information night on homebirth. since brendan and i would like for our baby to be born at home, we invited our parents to the info session so they could learn more about homebirth. we wanted them to understand what homebirth is and that it's a safe option for low-risk pregnancies. shannon was going to come too, but she's been super sick. so the five of us arrived at seven and found a seat. there were a lot more people there than i'd expected, including several full-term women, which surprised me because i would've thought that if they were considering a homebirth that they would've gotten their info well in advance. but maybe that's just me.

my dad can't hear so well these days, so i think he missed the first speaker completely. then they showed a video that included 4 homebirths - incidentally i'd told my dad that they wouldn't be showing a homebirth when i'd first invited him. i suppose that was an assumption on my part. but he did fine. he seemed the most interested when it came to the part when the midwives showed us all their equipment, he also liked snooping around the clinic looking at everything.

the person sitting beside nancy asked her if she was going to have a homebirth. at first i thought the lady was kidding, but then she asked a number of odd questions so maybe she was serious. who knows!

my mom did alright too. she did conclude that that it didn't appeal to her, but more power to me. it also opened up a few topics, like she asked me why the women didn't just lie on their backs "like i did" when she gave birth. she was pretty receptive to all this new information, so that's good. i think she's just squeamish. she said she'd rather just see the finished product, to which brendan said "you don't want to see how the sausage is made, so to speak".

brendan's life is kind of crazy right now with school and two jobs. i have to admit, there's part of me that feels like this whole job thing is more hassle than it's worth. BUT i'm choosing to remain optimistic that things will get better. school is done in 3 weeks anyways. it's a new experience for me to be the one on the sidelines when my partner is overwhelmed and busy. usually life for my b is smooth and breezy, and it's mine that is heavy and complicated. but he's on a big learning curve right now, i'm sure things will work out.

it seems i have some kind of nasal infection. it's not plesant, but at least it's not a cold.

same old city with a different name.

awkward

i wanted to write all weekend, but whenever i sat down to type my mind went blank and i had nothing to say. hopefully this week i'll get back into the swing of things.

the other day i bought some cloth diapers :) sarah sent me a link to an ad on kijiji for some bummies and other brands that were barely used (the woman preferred a different brand instead). i got around $15 diapers/covers for $80! i'm quite pleased. i'll probably need a few more, since i've been asking around to my cloth diaper using friends and they said it's best to have around 20-24. it's neat that little by little i'm collecting baby things. we only have 3.5 months left til the due date. i'm pretty excited. sometimes i wish it was sooner, and other time it feels too soon and us not ready for this big life change. but i know it'll be fine.

when we were in greece brendan said to me "i'm looking forward to going home and starting our new life together", which was super sweet and reminded me of when he said those exact words on our honeymoon almost 3 years ago. it's neat that even in a marriage/partnership, there's still lots of new beginnings.

b is still getting things sorted out with school. we're hoping that his teachers will let him finish early based on his excellent performance over the last 2 years. it's only 3 more weeks.

last evening at living room a small group of us gathered and enjoyed some long, enriching conversation. i'm really fortunate to have people in my life with whom i can enjoy deep and meaningful conversation. it feels good for my soul.

i slept really poorly last night. i'm not exactly sure if it was my stuffy nose, the fact that i was sleeping propped up or because of insomnia, but i was awake and feeling stressed for about 3 hours. i didn't even know what i was stressed about. nighttime does weird things to the mind, causes anxiety about things that in the light of day are not so bad. as i lay there awake i had a song stuck in my head that i couldn't place and i'm not sure is even a real song. when 6:30 rolled around i was pretty grumpy. it stinks that after a weekend of restful sleep that i'd sleep poorly then have to return to work feeling frazzled and grouchy.

thou rushing wind that art so strong.

kijiji

our first week home from vacation has been very full. it's got brendan and i wondering if this full schedule is effective at all. i dunno i think i need to make some changes starting next week.

when we were in meteora we visited some rock-top (i would say mountain-top, but they weren't quite mountains) monasteries. they were amazing. and as usual, when i see the slow-paced, intentional lives of monks, it get me reconsidering my own life. one thing that really inspired me this time was their industriousness. i think most of the time i forget that throughout history people have spent their lives doing daily chores and tasks rather than leisure activities. when i think of the monks, going about their daily routines slowly but productively, it strikes me as a very restful and fulfilling life. so i guess it's got me wondering where i'm going wrong. full schedule doesn't have to equal busy or stressful. it can equal fulfilling and enriching. i guess one difference between me and the monks is that they don't have to juggle a lot of things at once. they don't have people to see or unexpected requests to drive their moms to eye-doctor appointments or two activities taking place at the same time. i guess what it comes down to is that i want to my use of time to be more like the monks. restful and energizing. i suppose it's very typical of me to every so often go "hold the phone... somethings got to change". sadly i haven't found an effective coping method yet.

on monday some of my colleagues were asking about my vacation and i told them about the three places we went (athens, thessaloniki and meteora). the next day the one guy said to me "i bet you're missing the beaches of greece today, huh?". i was really puzzled because we didn't go to any beaches and i didn't say we went to beaches when debriefing to him the day before. when i corrected him, he said "oh, i must have just assumed you went to beaches" and i said "i guess we're just not that kind of vacationers". i guess he felt badly because he came by later to apologize. i don't think i was rude to him, it was just a misunderstanding. it was a very puzzling interaction that still makes me scratch my head a little.

i have some symptoms of a cold, which is really annoying because i just got over a bad cold 3 weeks ago. i'm trying my darnedest to fight it off. i even ate some raw garlic the other day (i'm lucky i didn't throw up afterwards. thankfully there was a jar of honey on the counter so i had a spoonful of that to cleanse my palette). brendan never gets sick, but is also having some cold symptoms. at least he can take some cold medication. i don't want to be sick again, so i'm refusing to let this get the better of me. i wonder what so-and-so feels when i have a big sneeze. that must be weird. although, it can't be that much more strange than living inside another person's body.

there's a weight that's pressing down.

plastic utensils

well... we're back home.

it's hard to debrief a holiday after the fact. it doesn't help that i've been occupied getting caught up on life and haven't had time to write. but maybe i'll create a list of highs and lows at some point to summarize our trip.

in other, no vacation, news... brendan got a job and started yesterday. it's all been kind of crazy and vague, but the details are starting to become more clear. he's the new supervisor at the gathering place, which is a daytime shelter. they offered him the job right before we left for greece, and wanted him to start asap. the problem is that he's not done school til mid-april so there's going to be an overlap. at first we thought his work schedule could accommodate his classes and placement, but it turns out it's a weekday job. we're super happy that he doesn't have to work weekends, although it wouldn't have been the end of the world if he did. we'd manage. but it does complicate stuff with school. we're hoping his teachers will offer a few suggestions or alternatives.

things are good with me. my belly is getting big, and brendan's baby has been moving a lot. sometimes the movements feel nice, other times they feel weird and it's uncomfortable. but i suppose as he gets bigger he'll move around less.

after visiting some amazing monasteries in meteora last week, i felt inspired to be more industrious. i kind of liked the 30-day cleaning schedule that i used a while back, but it didn't work perfectly for me. so instead, i've made a list of chores so that when i have free time – whether a spare 10 minutes or a spare few hours – i can look at the list and choose something that needs doing. otherwise i just don't think to tackle stuff. there's GOT to be a chores system that works for me, so hopefully i'll discover it by trying many different methods. so far this one is working well.

i think i might be developing a new cold. i'm going to go eat some garlic to try to fight it off.

every night my dream's the same.

egnatia

sometimes when I don't write very often, there's too much to say and I don't know where to begin.

we're in thessaloniki now. we took a 5.5 hour train here yesterday from athens. it was a great scenic trip that went by remarkably fast.

we've found that thess (can't be bothered to write out the whole name) is much more modern and cosmopolitan than athens. it has a big city feel where athens felt slow and laid back.

today we explored the city and saw a lot. it's interesting being in Greece, seeing the juxtaposition of history and current issues. we've witnessed two very large demonstrations (a sit in and a march). to say things are hard right now for Greek citizens is probably an understatement. I read in the news the other day that the unemployment rate just dropped to 26%. DROPPED - meaning it used to be higher. all this said, besides the occasional protest and 'crisis prices' sign in a shop window, everything seems relatively normal.

the weather has been pretty good, with warm sun this afternoon. but we did just get caught in the rain on the way back to our hotel.

ooh! one of the highlights of our trip food wise has been freshly squeezed orange juice. at first I thought it was just at this one shop, but it turns out it's every where. it's delicious! it makes me want to squeeze my own juice at home.

well, that's it for now! cya!

Sent from my iPod

victor hugo

we're in greece!

i must say, it felt very surreal when we were on our way here, but now that we've arrived it feels normal (as in not surreal).

we arrived at our hostel at around 4:30 yesterday, had a bit of a rest in our room, then headed out for dinner. it was a long day, on little sleep, but we did well. we had a short stop over in paris, and i could see from the plane that spring had not yet arrived to france. the trees were bare and the grass was brown. BUT thankfully, when we arrived in greece, the grass is green, there are leaves on the trees, and there are flowers in bloom. the weather was great today, mid-teens and sunny. perfect weather for all the walking we did today.

on our first day in athens, we went to the acropolis - probably the main reason we came here and it did not disappoint! it was a really fun day, and i was pleased that i was able to keep up with brendan. i was no more tired or slow than usual, even though i'm 5 months pregnant. we accidentally got off at the wrong metro stop (in general we've been navigating the subway here very well), and decided just to walk the rest of the way. the acropolis is up high on a mountain so we knew we wouldn't miss it even though we didn't exactly know the right direction. it turned out to be a really lovely walk through a charming neighbourhood. the acropolis looked really high up, but felt remarkably easy to climb. we concluded since it was built for walkers to begin with, it was very walker-friendly.

our hostel is nice. not the most attractive neighbourhood, and there's no restaurants close-by, but the hostel itself is great. we have a large balcony and our own washroom. for some reason, they've painted on the wall in really big text "romance in the air" like it's some kind of honeymoon suite. i like that it's missing the word 'is'. it's on the 6th floor, and there's this TINY little elevator, that is the size of a small closet and just barely fits the two of us in it. tonight we cooked ourselves some dinner in the kitchen and used left-overs from our souvlaki lunch :)

we're having a good time and baby is doing well. i kind of want to buy him a souvenir of his first family vacation because he's missing out on all the sites.

tomorrow we're doing a walking tour of the city. i hope we sleep well tonight. we did ok last night, but i woke repeatedly, then woke up tired. when i went to berlin i was ok by day two, so here's hoping i'll experience that tonight too.

hope all is well where you are!

shake

tomorrow brendan and i are going to greece. we're leaving ktown in the morning, and flying out from toronto at 6:55 pm. we'll arrive in paris in the morning, have a short layover there before carrying on to athens. the forecast is ranging between 12ºC to 17ºC. i know that 16 and 17 is nice, but i can't really remember what 12 is like or what kind of clothes one wears in that weather. so i'm taking spring clothes and hoping i guessed correctly.

two exciting things happened this weekend for/with by dear b.

1) i found his first grey hair in his beard!!! i'm SUPER excited about this. i know he's still young, but i've had grey hairs since i was a teenager. i've been waiting for this first grey hair for a long time. at first he didn't believe me that i'd spotted a grey hair, he thought it was just blond, but sure enough, it's GREY! i think he wants to pluck it, but no matter, there will be more.

2) he got a job! a three-quarter time job in his field! he's the new supervisor for the gathering place, and he'll have his own office with a window! i'm super proud of him, and am thankful that he landed a job several months before our baby is born. they say the three most stressful things in life is moving, having a baby and starting a new job. so i'm glad the baby and job won't be happening at the same time. he'll work 30 hours there, and 5 at his other job, making a nice round 35-hour week.

give us life that we can taste.

references

as we go about our everyday lives, we don't always recognize our weakest personality traits. and most times people don't tell you to your face what they are. sometimes it's helpful to have unknown truths about ourselves shown to us. how else can we learn?

i had a long conversation with emma today about this website project we're working on. i made a big mistake by proceeding with irreversible changes before checking with anyone. i just wasn't thinking and i'm pretty regretful about it. i knew i had to take it on the chin when i was reprimanded for it. thankfully i have a good relationship with emma so after my tongue-lashing was finished, we were able to transition into a positive conversation with no hard feelings. as we chatted she told me (very kindly) "sometimes you just jump in with both feet!" and while that was news to me, it feels like a fair assessment. i would definitely describe myself as a rash person at times. as hard at it can be sometimes to admit one's mistakes, it was helpful to have that mirror held up at me. i'm sure the next time i feel an impulse to just dive in, i'll slow myself down a little.

well... my mom is on her way to south africa. she had two suitcases full of books the the library and could barely lift them! i'm not surprised, books are among the heaviest boxes when moving. i really hope she has a good time and that it's a positive experience.

no vaccination for your curse.