jubjubes

guess what? last friday, i was at rachel's until something like 1 am, which meant i was too tired to post, which meant... i overlooked pspd's 2 year anniversary! crazy. i think my second year of blogging flew by faster than my first. i'm not certain i did as much in my second year than i did in my first.

i spent a small fortune at the mall today. it's really not what it sounds, but i was AT the mall, and "more than i'd like to have spent" changed hands.

today is my sister's 31st birthday. my sister joy, in case you were wondering. it seems crazy to me to think she's 31. because i have friends that age, i have friends OLDER than her, and yet she still seems older to me. i think it's partly because she's my big sister, but also because she's rather conservative. i got thinking about her today (seeing as it's her birthday), and i'm very grateful for her and all she's done for me. when my parents split, she took over as my surrogate parent. she was just a kid herself. i think that involved a lot of sacrifice on her part, and it probably contributed to her being abnormally mature for her age. i'm sorry for a lot of the troubles in our relationship, we've had our share. i think in many ways i rebelled more against her than my actual parents. for years i resented her, and in truth, that probably stemmed from jealousy. joy is very unusual – her adult-life has gone very smoothly, and COMPLETELY according to plan (except for when it took her a whole FOUR months to get pregnant this last time). my adult life has not gone according to plan in the slightest. i don't know why, i think i resent the reality of that as well. i've compared myself too her too much, always trying to align my life milestones with hers. it was hard for me to get a job in my field, i struggled excruciatingly for several years. while she was offered a job before her graduation. BUT when i did eventually get my job at bbd, i was 23, and as it turned out, she was also 23 when she started teaching. so really, i wasn't behind her at all. when joelle was born, i lamented that joy would probably have her second baby by the time i had my first. but four years later i'm realizing that she'll be long finished having babies by the time i have any. joelle will probably be old enough to babysit them. it just always feels like she's 5 steps ahead of me, and i'm lagging behind calling out "wait up!". i think that's the nature of being the youngest, you feel like you have to follow the path already beaten out. since that one went so smoothly, you question if this harder more challenging one is worth trying out. i think it is, i just hope i'm right.

today i sprayed my elliptical with pam kitchen spray in hopes of making it not squeak. i didn't really work, i need some wd-40. but it did lube it up a bit, so all was not lost.

i've got a halloweenhead –
head full of tricks and treats.

wallet

if the term "chick flick" applied to things other than movies, such as events, evenings, etc. than i would have to say, that i had a chick flick of an evening. i used my elliptical, i had a comfy dinner, i lied around in my pjs reading my book and eating popcorn.

ain't it grand to be a woman? sometimes i see my reflection in the mirror or in a window and am surprised at what an adult i am. i don't feel like one, but evidently a woman in my late 20s. it feels awfully strange. i'm also regularly surprised by how feminine and girly i am. it seems odd that i would grow into a woman unbeknown to me.

oh i don't know, i don't know, oh, where to begin.

dodgy

i just saw the darjeeling limited at the screening room with miss melinda richka. like most of my generation, i am a big fan of wes anderson films, but there hasn't been one that's really floated my boat since the royal tenenbaum. i think the last i saw was the life aquatic, and i didn't particularly enjoy it, although i think that was do to circumstances. ben died that day. this film i really liked, and i'd have to say that adrien brody stole the show for me. i love how wes anderson uses all the same actors, it's really funny.

i'm beginning to wonder if i can bear winter. i realize that i'm not climatized yet, but it's only 11º outside and i'm already thinking "i can't do this". winter feels so foreign to me this year, it's as though it's my first one or something.

i wish my life was as quaint as a wes anderson film. sometimes when i listen to the soundtrack of my life, i get the feeling that the minute details of my life are significant and intentional. like in a movie when even the click of a light-switch is deliberate. perhaps if i slow down and take more notice of such things, i may get the opportunity to really relish them.

you,
are on your way.

epidemic

yesterday i stayed in most of the day and just putsied around the pad. it was loverly. i did meet up with melissa for a late breakfast at the goat, but the rest of the day was spent at home relaxing. ah, it was magical.

i haven't been going to the goat much lately, but being there reminded me of how much i love it. i'm going to try and go there more often. it was just really neat to people watch, everyone was just so different, and there was a plethora of colour. i got the non-traditional breakfast, it was so good! i'll totally get that again, it included beans&rice, roasted potatoes and tomato. very yummy! i'm glad i tried something new :)

i rented "ten canoes" which turned out to be a bit of a bust, i don't know if it was the movie that was making me feel tired, but i decided that since i was tired i should just go to bed! i'm weird that way, i tend to ignore my body when it tells me it's time for bed. so i turned off the light at 9:52. on a saturday night :) apparently i like to be backwards.

i made my first two mixed-cds on friday night. i'm very pleased with them, i think they're great compilations. i'm very excited.

this week is gearing up to be a little on the busy side. i think i have a problem. i don't know how to stop. i want so much to get off this crazy, mental, out of control merry-go-round, but it's not slowing down.

when do you know it's time to quit the book you're reading and start another one? because anne of avonlea is not holding my attention and there's another book that's waiting to be cracked open. one that ticks my fancy a little more. hmm, i wonder where my fancy is. and how does that book know how to find it...

everybody seems to think i'm lazy,
i don't mind, i think they're crazy.
running everywhere at such a speed,
till they find, there's no need.

we sincerely regret this unfortunate incident and any inconvenience caused

i'm trying to drain my cell phone's battery so i can recharge it. it's a new battery. anyway, i'm kind of offended because my phone's default screen has a little symbol and text that says "do more". and i feel like saying "screw you phone, i do enough. don't tell me what to do."

do you ever regret opening certain conversations with your mother? oh frig, i do. especially when it's done at a vulnerable time, and then it's brought up again later. seriously, like if i haven't volunteered information to her i wish she'd take that as a "don't ask". because i talk too freely, and once i get talking there's no telling what's going to come out of my mouth. i don't trust myself, too often i say more than i should. sometimes i hear my own voice and wonder about what i'm saying, because i'm not accurately representing what i'm actually feeling about something. and i think "these people are going to totally get the wrong impression" because i'm not eloquent enough to formulate my thoughts.

sometimes i want to tell people "don't hate me because i'm different to you, i don't hate you". but when i'm honest with myself, there ARE people i know that i get annoyed at because they're different to me. i guess i need to work at accepting that not everyone can/will have the same perspective as me, no matter how much exposure they get to something. i guess the ideal thing is to have a little understanding. i have some friends who are different than me in one way or another, and we understand our differences. it's a matter of saying "i understand your reasons, even though i don't feel the same way". i guess the people i feel frustrated with are the ones i haven't been able to reach an understanding with. why can't we all just get along!?!? ;)

few words could open me but you knew them all.

flashpoint

sometimes one needs to wipe the blackboard of their mind and start over.

oh dear, what is that food substance ground into my pants, and why did i only just notice it? oh dear.

i realized today, if i don't make my bed immediately after waking up i'm far to partial to getting back into it later. i came into my room and saw it in it's comfy, warm and unkempt state, then i squealed with delight and got back inside under the covers. it was heavenly. and the fact that it was forbidden made it even sweeter.

i think that brief rendezvous with my single bed, set my morning routine back by 10 minutes. in my lateness (or potential lateness) for work i neglected to put in my earrings. i can honestly say that upon realizing that my earrings were absent, my stomach flipped in nausea. i experienced an element of separation anxiety. i realize that's silly, but i feel so naked without them, and the thought of working all day without them made me very uncomfortable. i felt as though my lobes were exposed and suddenly grotesque. hahaha. how ridicules! but true nonetheless.

i bruise really easily. and i injured my ankle really badly the other day. so badly that it sometimes aches when i'm sitting or lying down. i'm assuming the bone is bruised, and nothing can be done about it. i'll just suck it up.

my reach don't go that far dear.

book of kells

this evening i went to go watch isaac's basketball game. it was fun, i look forward to going again. it's neat because he dribbles with his left hand. here's a picture, that's him (wearing number 9) he's about to shoot. this is a nice action shot :) i got totally lost on the way to the school, i accidentally went to THREE other school's before i ended up at st. pats. i didn't realize there were so many schools in that neighbourhood.
and here's me and rhonda. we got a "safe" seat, some of the spectators were getting hit by the basketball because they sat right behind the net.

i'm feeling inspired to make a mix-cd. i've never been a big mix-tape maker, but i've been listening to the hatch mix-cd and really, with technology now, it's quite easy. make a playlist, then rip the cd! i already have one taker, so melissa will be my first recipient. i'm excited!

i need to get the hang of "if it feels good do it". not on a crazy, immoral way. but if i want to go to bed, skip a chore, watch tv, hang-out with friends, then i need to just do that, and not constantly nag myself to do other things. life's too short to spend it feeling obligated.

because we are your friends
you'll never be alone again.

jealous

my favourite things about weekends is knowing i don't have to go to work the next day. except for sunday, when i have the promise of work looming over my head. which seems so odd to me because having to go to work the next day on week-nights it's not a loathsome thought. i DO loathe all that i need to do before bed tonight and the fact that it's already getting kind of late. i've been slipping out of the habit of doing my dishes before bed. i need to rectify this problem. however, i think i need to start tomorrow, because right now i think it would do me a world of good to go bed on time.

i feel as though things are changing without my permission. i can't explain it. things i enjoy doing seem to be falling to the wayside. it's so strange because you'd think that if i want to do 'A' than i'd do that, but instead i'm finding myself doing 'B', when i didn't really get an option. all of a sudden i'm heading down one path and i didn't even notice that there had been a fork in the road. does anyone else ever feel like life just takes you places you didn't want to go?

someone from san jose (with a linux computer) has read pspd about a dozen times today. who is that? joel? buddy? someone i'm unacquainted with?

i'd like to think i'm the mess you'd wear with pride.

jagged

sometimes i over romanticize life. this is one of those times. i think that's ok, it means there's still an idealist inside me. the trouble is knowing when to bridge the gap between the ideal and reality.

i've broken free from the restriction of words. i'd become encumbered by words said, words I'VE said. but it's hit me, there is, in fact, no correlation between my words and my life. irony is NOT waiting in the shadows to bite me in the ass.

here's a couple pics from the wedding yesterday. i posted a couple others on my facebook. i don't have a lot, and none of the happy couple, sorry. oh wait, i got one off michelle's photo album.

the reverend jared siebert, tim and tracka

sarah (knitting), paul and michelle (playing yahtzee)

me and rach (and half of august)

so yup, those are my brief show-and-tell pics from the lyon wedding. i concluded afterwards that if/when i have a wedding, that i'd like for everyone to wear a super lame name-tag. it would be helpful for everyone to know who everybody else is! it would say something like "hello, i'm frank, and i'm lesley's co-worker/mentor". like on facebook! it would help break the ice, like on seinfeld. ah, everything has a seinfeld reference :)

this evening was supposed to be living room. but only 4 people (including myself) showed up, so we decided to go to the la tienda night at rustle. la tienda is like an art-coop for women in the dominican republic that helps them break-out of poverty and prostitution by making jewelery to sell instead. it was kind of a tough decision for me, i felt like i was conceding to defeat or something. but i think joining them worked out fine. i'm quite discouraged about living room and i don't know what to do.

it’s hard to keep track of you falling through the sky.

size

the wedding went off without a hitch. except the one car that went off the cottage road which delayed the ceremony by a half-hour. oh, and it rained. poured actually. at one point i was walking down the road (sarah had run off ahead to get the raincoats), and i found the rain was no longer bearable because it showed no sign of letting up, so i ducked in under some trees. it dawned on me that i never have a need to find shelter from the storm because i'm usually always in the city, so if it down-pours i just go inside.

since it was a hippie wedding, i thought it best to don full hippie garb. it was a nice excuse to wear an assortment of clothes all at once. i admire that about other people, i really should do that more often.

i have photos, but i'm tired so i'm going to go to bed. i like when i leave my camera on the table then other people grab it and snap a bunch of pics without my knowledge. it's quite amusing.

my eye-sight is really terrible lately. it's frustrating! mind you, i'm not wearing my contacts right now, but i should be able to see 3 feet away clearly. i think my prescription may be changing. i'm hoping just need a good night's sleep.

turn the light out, say goodnight, no thinking for a little while.

lava

as teenagers, joy and i were always late for the school bus. in elementary school our bus stop was right across the street from our house, but in high school it was down the street and around the corner. each day we'd run to the corner of clark and edwin, to see our yellow chariot a block away. our bus driver was very kind and considerate, and would always wait for us to run and get on. in hindsight, i'm sure the other kids must have gotten really annoyed at us; the two sisters who couldn't leave the house 5 minutes earlier.

today was a big day (in a way), joy had her ultrasound and they were told that she is in fact pregnant with my second nephew. i am now 3 for 3 in my gender guessing of my sister's babies. i was sure this one was a boy, and i'm rather ticked by this news. actually, now that i think of it, i don't believe i've ever been wrong about a baby's gender when i guessed in advance.

my landlord's mother planted some really odd bushes on my front-lawn. it looks really strange. i didn't think it was necessary and it's not a nice touch. they seem randomly placed.

whoa, i need to go to bed. i have an all-day hippie wedding to go to tomorrow and i have no idea what to wear.

i'm just trying to figure out everything at once.

super school

some jackass wants to ban "athletic shoes" from my workplace. i think i know who it is – real uptight sort. knickers went berserk about it, i'm glad, she's the sort to make a fuss in protest to something ridicules like that. i can understand banning flip-flops, i've on occasion worn flip-flops to work, but most of the time it was by accident. i asked her what the problem is, and she said "well this isn't club-med it's a business". but even STILL i find it completely ludicrous. i don't understand the reason behind "business attire". she said to me "you were wearing athletic shoes yesterday", well i suppose i was if you consider shoes with laces athletic footware. now i'm going to be all self-conscience that people will be secretly judging my clothing. i resent that. they should mind their own business.

ironically, i'd JUST been thinking about my work-clothes this morning. i bought some really comfy and classy pants on sale at old navy the other day, and i wore them to work today. actually, i like them so much that i wore them all day. this brought me to the conclude that i need to buy more work-clothes that i really like so that i feel comfortable at work. SEE... BEING COMFORTABLE IS IMPORTANT. therefore, i'm setting a (loose) goal to buy a new work outfit a month. then slowly i'll develop a work wardrobe that i enjoy. i'm a real bargain hunter when i comes to work clothes. well, i'm a bargain shopper in general, but ESPECIALLY when it comes to my work-clothes.

i started on hatch the other day, and it's progressing very nicely. i am ever so pleased.

i've been working on this photo of a monorail at work yesterday and today. it looks amazing. i wish i could show it to you, but i'd probably get slapped for posting it online because it's property of BBD. basically it was this really shoddy picture that needed to be touched up to be presentable, we WERE going to get a 3-D rendering done but that would have cost $20,000, so instead i'm re-working this photo. frank was so impressed with the end-result that he LITERARY patted me on the back. i'm a good little protégé :)

tie me up tightly by your side,
so i may go with you where ever you reside.

tweed

i'm not sure what to do. i just arrived home from tracy's wedding shower, i got the standard done in record time AND had a proper dinner, but now it's after 11 and i don't want to do the dishes. i realize that this breaks all my rules of house-keeping. i also have clothes scattered everywhere, but i've been sick, so that should provide some allowances, right?

mine will be a story that urban legends are made of.

tie me to the end of a kite,
so i can go on with my life.
every time the wind blows stronger,
i will feel my spirit rise.

autumn

i'm feeling better. i even just ate some of the cookies i baked on the weekend, so that MUST be a good sign. since that means i'm regaining my appetite. although, i was just watching this hour has 22 minutes and it made me laugh so hard that i felt a little nauseous again.

i woke up today and quickly realized i was not ready to return to work. i started to worry because i wasn't exactly sure what was wrong, so i called telehealth and the lady seemed to think i was dehydrated. she instructed me to get some powerade to replenish the vitamins i've lost. so i threw on my poncho-hoodie and headed to the hind-quarter. it did make a significant difference, and i've felt much better for the rest of the day. i've dropped a lot of weight, but no doubt it will be back in a matter of days. i'll be glad to return to work tomorrow.

sometimes i'm embarrassed of my existence and feel as though others more "advanced" in life look at me as a pathetic excuse of a woman. i must admit, at times i feel like i'm just going thru the motions in life. now is one of those times. i wish i could fast-forward a little bit. i am afraid that by walking the thin red line, i may walk myself into pointlessness. perhaps i'm too smart for my own good, that i never make terrible mistakes and as a result avoid what could be wonderful adventures. maybe my comfortable life is really only humdrum, and i need to shake things up a bit. but where do i go from here? i haven't got the slightest clue. because too be honest, i'm too afraid to take a chance.

i will sing, sing a new song.

junk

i'm still feeling really sick. i wish i knew what was wrong, i haven't barfed so i'm not convinced it's the flu. i sure hope i'm 90% better tomorrow because in the state i'm in right now i don't know if i could/should go to work. my sister and i have this weird concept of "sickness" in our heads. my mom always sent us to school unless we were barfing, barfing was the discerning factor on whether or not we were actually sick. so as an adult i've been trying to get that out of my head and equate feeling terrible with being legitimately sick. i always feel quite guilt ridden for not going to work, knickers is never sick and i think she finds it quite inconvenient when we are.

today i got up at 12:30, watched "hardball" with keanu reeves & diane lane on the t.v., then a variety of sitcom re-runs (seinfeld, friends, fraser, will & grace), OH and i watched the ellen show. i knitted too, i got most of the heel done on my current sock. melinda stopped by to give me some camomile tea and chicken noodle soup. she also brought me some flowers which was nice of her. i always hate being sick alone, so i appreciated that someone was "taking care of me".

my life is getting a little blurry. i want to i sit down with the old lady version of myself and have a serious conversation about why things happen the way they do. part of me thinks everything will work out ok, but i'm not convinced what's ok is at all what i want. i just don't understand anymore. it's so much easier when you look back years later, even though reflecting often minimizes the hurt and frustration. my courage is dwindling. and i just don't understand anymore.

i think i'll go have some soup. and maybe go to bed. i'll set my alarm and decide in the morning if i'm well enough for work.

just promise that you'll try to give me all you can,
i'll never ask for more.

chopsticks

quite frankly i feel like ass.

david came to visit this weekend, and we were out until 3 am last night, then got up early for church. i tried to nap this afternoon, and to eat something, but my gut-rot is not disappearing. but at least i'm not tired anymore.

this weekend was queen's homecoming. i didn't go to queen's, so don't usually join in the festivities, but i was out with a bunch of queen's alumni, and believe it or not, we went over to aberdeen. yup, the infamous aberdeen. it was really odd, the only time that i've been in a similar situation has been at concerts or i dunno SOMETHING. but aberdeen is NOTHING but a huge street party. among the crowds (that we walked thru holding on to each other like a human chain) i got knocked in the face and my right earring fell out! i LOVE those earrings and i was SO SO sad! i consoled myself with the thought that i COULD to back to modern primitive today and buy a new one, which i did so that's ok. back on aberdeen, david hoisted me up on his shoulders and i could see over the sea of people's heads. it was a really cool view. aberdeen really wasn't my kind of event, but it was interesting to see/experience after hearing about it for years in the news. it was true madness. frig, david, terrence and helen are hilarious. we stopped by my house last night so i could get my glasses, i took my keys with me so i could get inside. when i went back out to the street my car was GONE! then i looked down the block and it was sitting there non-nonchalantly with the three of them inside. that totally cracked me up.

last night in the group, i had bouts of feeling shy. terrence+helen seemed concerned about me, but i told them i was just feeling shy. i'm like that. sometimes i'm awkward. talking to garry today at church, he mentioned me being introverted and yet extroverted. it's completely true. i am both, it all depends on my mood and the circumstances. i wish that wasn't the case, it was interesting that garry knew that. i find it comforting when people understand that about me. i'm sure it must be hard to work with at times. sometimes when i look back on my life i see the decisions i made about one thing or another, and i wish i'd done things differently. but sometimes we can only muster so much in the moment or in the phase. i'm trying to live my life in such a way that i won't regret my decisions in the future. that i won't let my temporary separation from my earring ruin my evening, or the fact that i'm single and worry that i won't meet anyone detract from what i DO have. it's tricky, something worth trying at.

the way you move is a mystery.

splinter

did you seriously think it wouldn't hurt me?

on the dance floor of my mind i'm awkwardly dancing it out.
you'll make a mark wilson fan out of me yet.

doors shut today,
means we knock until they say "come in anyway".

pithy

up is down.
no is yes.
right is wrong.

i'm dry of thoughts, wait for the rain,
then it's replaced, sun setting.

sword-fight

there's a wonderfully spectacular thunderstorm outside my window. i was just lying on my couch, listening to the bangs and watching the flashes of blue. and wished i had someone to lie there with me.

most of you know me fairly well, or at least know a lot about the inside of my brain. i'm an interesting, complex, fun, amusing, and dynamic person. i have a complete life which i enjoy immensely. i'd like to have someone to accompany me in my adventures. but i'm in a bit of a pickle. meeting someone is like getting a job, being totally qualified and awesome doesn't cut it, it's about who you know. but unfortunately, i don't know any men who aren't gay or involved. so here's an idea... if you know any totally rad christian guys, then send them my way! the christian factor is nonnegotiable, i'm a christian and therefore it's an issue. i've tried it the other way and it doesn't work, in fact, my last serious long-term boyfriend dumped me because i was a christian and wanted him to be too, but he didn't. the totally rad part is also nonnegotiable. i'm sure there's a lot of "really great/nice guys" out there, but i'm looking for someone who will float my boat and not bore me to tears. i don't suppose this suggestion will result in anything, but i thought i'd mention it just in case you've had someone up your sleeve but didn't know how to broach the subject.

i'm not disappointed that i'm single right now, but i don't want to remain so forever. i don't lament the way my life has gone, i'm actually quite pleased. the only things i would change are stupid mistakes i've made, not the actual events that befell me. i'm hopeful that i will continue to be not disappointed in my life, i'm confident that i will enjoy whatever unfolds, but i would like someone to sit and listen to the thunder with, and someone to snuggle with in bed at night.

all this considered, you may wonder "since lesley's not disappointed in her life, what is it that she really likes about it?" well since it's thanksgiving day i will indulge you.
• my home – that it's comfy and homey. it's quaint and roomy.
• my kitties – honey who is daring and pekoe who has started to sleep with me at night just like fru did.
• my family – who are proud of me and are loving & accepting of me in spite our differences.
• my job – that was a long-awaited answer to prayer, that has never ceased to be a blessing to me. it gives me the pleasure of doing what i love and challenges me regularly. i have a boss who adores me and really awesome workmates.
• my church – who happened upon me like kismet, coming into my life at a really critical time. and has provided me with a great community that has endlessly made me feel loved and accepted for i am.
• my friends – old and new. i'm so thankful for the stay-power of my old friendships, that have stuck with me thru thick and thin. new friendships who have taught me new things and connected to parts of me i didn't know were there.
• my car – that was given to me by my sister & brother-in-law, and is still truckin' even though it looks like it's waiting to exhale.
• my computer – that keeps me connected and has expanded my world in ways i didn't know it could.
• my opportunities – one year ago i left for kenya. i went to pei this summer, and am going to baffin next spring.
• my identity – that i have a firm grasp on who i am even though it took many years to figure out. that i have hobbies and unique talents.
• my experiences – both good and bad. all things have shaped me, sometimes battered me. but they always mold me into what will someday be a masterpiece.

the year is growing old... just like a stately old lady who knows she can be charming even with gray hair and wrinkles.

inches

my thanksgiving dinner was quite a hit today. i would like to host it every year, but as joy continues to pro-create i'll eventually run out of space. oh, i guess this is the time to tell you that my sister is pregnant yet again and is due on february 29th (yup, that's right... leap day. AHA). i think next year i'll do a turkey. i set up the dinning table out on the back porch, you know the one i just painted last week? it worked out nicely. a white table cloth was a bit of a mistake, BUT you live and learn don't you? here's a pic, tim took it, and the kids were inside watching the t.v. (or more likely harassing my cats). i think everyone had a good time, joelle cried she was so sad to leave, so that MUST mean it was a success. OR that she was tired....

this afternoon i purchased art supplies. i wish i'd looked in my cupboard first before i bought stuff, but it wouldn't have made THAT much of a difference. i so enjoyed painting the back porch last weekend that i decided that it's time i take up painting as a serious hobby as i've been wanting to. i dabbled in painting in high school, but i think all interest went out the window in design school (when you start studying your hobby as a profession it stops being fun). SO, i'm kind of starting from square one because i haven't worked with paint since first year (8 years ago), although i can still mix paint like nobody's business. the designer in me totally affects how i paint. i bought cmyk paints, i don't know how to paint with anything else! but i think that's better, i'll mix all my own colours and they'll be pure because i'm using only primary colours. i just got to take it easy, enjoy the process of painting and keep working away with it until i'm happy with it. instead of throwing together some piece of crap because i want to have a finished piece to hang on the wall. it won't be a grand master-piece, but it will be a good exercise. i can't afford an easel so i've just hung the canvas on a wall in a well lit area. it's working pretty well.

this truly HAS been a long weekend. i like that it feels like ages ago that i was at work and i still have a whole day off ahead of me. hurray!! my house is in chaos, i meant to set it in order this afternoon, but then i didn't. tomorrow i'd like to stay in and clean up and enjoy some peace and quiet. i enjoyed having lunch with my family today, but i was ready for some alone-time by the time they left.

my fridge is on the fritz. i'm going to have to call the landlord or his mother. it makes very loud squealing sounds. it can't be healthy. thankfully right now it's silent but i don't know how long it'll last for. and my bedroom is right next to the kitchen, so it was very difficult to sleep last night. i was also freaked out that my fridge was going to breakdown on the day my whole family was coming for lunch. it made it thru, but it might not make it thru tonight.

sometimes i can't find my good habits.

fetch

i had big plans for today. i needed to prep for tomorrow; clean, tidy and peel. but instead i watched "baby boom" on the t.v. and did a little cleaning. i need to get the rest done before bed since it's going to be a bit of a tight squeeze tomorrow timewise.

i spent a lovely evening over at rhonda's place. every year she has a big thanksgiving dinner and she told me to invite anyone along. so i invited tim&tracy. i felt really lame about it, saying "i'd like to invite you to rhonda's house for dinner. i'm sure rhonda would really like to have you". hahaha. but in spite of the strange invitation, they came and it was lovely. although, it was time to call it a night when the firetrucks arrived.

i didn't eat much all day, partly because i was busy with tasks, but also because i knew i'd be eating a big meal this evening. funny how that doesn't rid one from the munchies – knowing you'll be eating a lot later. loneliness is the same way, knowing you'll have company later doesn't change the immediate need for company. i'm sure there are other emotions that work similarly that's just one that pops to mind.

heads held high
even if you didn't have an audience.

aquatic

it seems i have a cramp in my thumb. the joint is sore, i think it's a painting injury, but i agitated it as i knitted this evening. i hope i'm not going to get arthritis.

last night i passed out on my bed at 9:30, then woke up at 10 and got ready for bed. i was so wiped that i put contact solution on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste. it turns out that i forgot to turn on my alarm clock in the process, so i woke up late for work.

this coming sunday i am hosting my first family holiday meal at my house. it seems like a big undertaking, but is nothing compared to over challenges i've faced. i'm sure i can hack it. this is quite unlike me, but i suppose one never knows what their capable of until they try. i'm proud of myself to taking the initiative to have them over, it'll stop me from complaining that i'm not considered a legitimate adult.

sometimes there just isn't enough hours in the day.

i was given this fancy wine kit box at work today, it was leftover from a customer dinner that i'd done a lot of work for. it's a rosewood box with all these fancy wine tools inside it, like a thermometer, re-corker, and a super easy corkscrew. i just bought a corkscrew a couple months ago, does anyone want my old one?? i feel so fancy with my fancy wine kit box, i don't know what half of them do!

if i only could
i'd take a bit out of this town.

bog

i wept giant tears as i laid on my couch reading my book, letting the tears dry on my face without wiping them away. i cried like a little girl, no wait, i cried as only a grown woman can, who truly understands the words she's reading. that is against my instincts. as a pre-teen i tried to be very tough, i wouldn't permit myself to cry over such things. weeping at real-life stories or fiction was my mom and sister's thing. they were the criers, i was the impenetrable one. but that's been changing, and i don't want to hold back anymore. you know when you get that feeling in your throat and you just want to give in to the impulse to cry because you find something so touching? i want that to come more freely and to not fight it anymore. some may look upon that with disdain as i once did, but that's their misfortune.

perhaps i have no subliminal messages. maybe things are exactly as they seem.

how can i say what i don't know.

fjord

things in my life have mellowed out. i'm not feeling tackled by my social calendar anymore. which is really nice. i sat in my cube today and realized, that so far i have no commitments planned for this week. so i called up my dad and invited him for dinner. i'd promised him in my father's day card (that i gave him in august) that i'd have him over for supper. it was very nice. we had quite the feast! i explained more of the transit industry and he told me all about how chown parking-lot used to be a methodist church. and about how when he and my mom were here in kingston on their honeymoon (they lived in toronto at the time – although that's no excuse) that there were only 7 prisoners in the prison for women (they passed it on the tour bus).

i find it interesting that i plan my vacations out years in advance. and that when my workmates say "next year we'll have to remember to..." it's completely assumed by both them and me that i will still be there in a years time. or when i say i want to move to wolfe island in my early thirties that means i plan to stay in the maxi-pad until then. what surprises me the most about this, is that i'm unfazed by the fact that i expect to still be single in 2009. that i realize my job isn't just a job but it's my career. and the maxi-pad isn't just the place where i live but instead it's my home.

a dragon lives forever but not so little boys.