done

since january, i've been fantasizing about my last day at work. i felt like this frazey ford song would really summed up how i'd feel about leaving.

today was my last day, and over the last six months, the situation at work has gotten progressively worse. my closest team-mates have left (one on mat leave, one was fired), my boss was reassigned, and i was moved to another division where my new boss ignores me 95% of the time. needless to say, i've felt like my career there has just fizzled out. it's been an odd conclusion to 13 years there.

i've wondered as i've moved closer to this day how i'd feel to leave. if i'd feel nostalgic, sad, lonely, lost or happy. but instead i left angry. i've literally spent most of my time in recent years walking the halls virtually invisible, feeling unknown and unnoticed. so it's ironic that on my very last day, some anonymous a-hole called HR to complain about something minor i did as i packed up to leave. she did explain to them that it was my last day, but still had to call and check in with me about it.


the only thing i'm sorry to leave is emma. she's has been my last remaining life-line there. someone who always rooted for me, advocated for me, and someone i enjoyed a personal friendship with. i'll miss her a lot. i'll miss working with her, and collaborating with her. but the powers that be had already separated us anyway. it was already the end of an era, even if i'd stayed.

so instead of saying 'see you later', or 'F U', or 'farewell', i just sigh and say "i'm done". and let frazey ford say everything else.

masterchef

in my teens, my family did a lot of barbequing. I think we barbequed almost every meal in the summer. my best friend always used to comment on it, because her family didn't barbeque at all.

joy, who filled the role of "the man" on all practical matters (plus, parenting me), did most of the barbequing. I remember one time when she shinged her hair lighting the bbq.

b and I got a small camping bbq for our wedding. it's now 6 years old, and not working as it once did (b tried to lite it recently, and the flame started going back in towards the propane tank. so he declared it unusable/unsafe. regardless, b didn't grow up with as much barbequing as I did, and many times in past summers, I'd plan a meal that we could cook on the bbq, only for b to use the stove. in my exasperation, I'd say "but it's to hot for the oven!!, but he'd do it anyway.

during our week at the cottage, b finally got a taste for barbequing. it's much more heatwave-friendly, AND there's way less dishes. so we bought ourselves a small bbq this weekend. I was very surprised by how expensive bbq's are, and how BIG they've become. I just wanted a small and simple bbq at a modest price. we did find one, but it was the only one. there wasn't a selection to chose from.

since we were in the middle of yet another heatwave on Saturday, we decided to assemble it in our living room. originally we'd planned to pay for assembly. al told me once to always pay the extra for assembly. I remembered the time Melissa and I set up hers, and it did not go smoothly! but the guy who was certified to do it, was not in that day, so we thought we'd give it a go ourselves. thankfully, it went well for the most part, and didn't take forever. especially compared to the shed we assembled that took 3 days, instead of the suggested 6 hours, it was easy-peasy.

so we're feeling pretty grown up about it. it's funny how there are still things make can make a 36-year-old feel like a grown up :p

plateau

I discovered something rather key about my weight recently.

since I'm pregnant and weigh myself every time I'm at the midwives office, I've been able to keep track of it particularly well. this is especially true because I'm not on my regular menstrual cycle, and don't have monthly fluctuations.

I've been steadily gaining the appropriate amount each month, with one exception... before my week at the cottage, I had an appointment and weighed myself. then, I went to the cottage, ate homemade chocolate cookies every day, homemade salsa and chips every day, and ice cream a few times. when I got back, I had another midwife appointment, and instead of gaining the expected 1 pound, I'd gained 4. I have no doubt that my permissive week of eating accounted for those 3 extra pounds. and while 3 pounds is not a huge amount, if I ate like that every week, or even once a month, I would eventually start to really pack on the pounds.

so I'm going to remember this for when I'm not pregnant again. after I pop-out this particular baby, my baby-making days will be done, so it will be time to consistently control my weight instead of yo-yo-ing, the way I have over the last 15 years. fifteen years. that is a long time. my entire adulthood.

third

yesterday was eamon's third birthday. for the first time, I told him a condensed version of his birth story, and showed him the scar where he came out. he was very interested, and mentioned to Brendan later that the doctors cut me open. I hope in time, i'll be able to convey that this is not typically how babies are born. I don't want him growing up misinformed about the business-end of the birds and the bees.

we had a lovely gathering of both sides of our family. everyone was gathered in our backyard in lawnchairs and paper plates. it was a really nice evening, and eamon did very well (didn't get too worked up - I've seen my fair share of kids having meltdowns and/or barfing at their own birthday parties).

when he was asking me about his party (not sure how serious the question was, because he asks 'why' about everything), I told him "we're going to celebrate because you being born changed everything", and then I got all teary-eyed while he moved on to other interests.

rust in our very marrow

I feel like life has become less romanticized as I've gotten older. or that I'm less romanticized about life than I once was. I think it's partly that I've mellowed out, and am less driven by emotions and feelings than I was in my teens and 20s. drama has really lost all its appeal.

but there's one exception... the song "when we go, how we go (part 1)" by rock plaza central. that song immediately immerses me back into the experience of falling in love with Brendan. it even feels funny saying "falling in love", because I don't normally talk that way, but that's really the only way to describe that experience and that song.

we've been married 6 years, and things have changed since those early days. changed between us and around us. I feel like our connection is deeper and more mature. we've changed as people, and evolved in positive ways. I think we continue to bring out the good in each other. I feel really fortunate. it took a long time to "find" my b, but I'm glad I kept waiting. I regularly have nightmares that I'm being forced to marry someone else, when it's really Brendan that I want to be with. I think the root of this dream is the reality that I could've ended up with many ill-suited suitors. I'm glad I held out and didn't take a shortcut.

I like to see him sleep. it's nice sleeping beside him, but there's something very intimate about seeing someone lying asleep in your bed as you get up and ready for work.

mommas in transition

I had a thought provoking conversation with my sister yesterday. we were talking about transitioning from one baby to two. I knew from past conversations that she found 1 to 2 the hardest transition. harder than 0 to 1, or 2 to 3, or even 3 to 4. I mentioned that we found eamon to be such an easy baby that we wonder if he's spoiled us and we'll be unprepared for the next one. she said "none of my babies were 'bad babies', my first one was hard, not because she was a bad baby, but because I was a bad mom". explaining how little she knew and how unprepared she was the first time. it look her a lot of time to figure out useful parenting hacks.

it made me wonder if a person's preparedness is really the biggest impact-er for smoothly navigating the early baby stages. a friend of mine recently had a hard time with a colicky baby, and her midwife recommended giving him probiotics, and that really helped. I'm sure if she had a colicky baby again, she'd know to do that sooner. happy baby = happy momma.

all that said, I've tried to set us up for success with this transition, with eamon still going to daycare some days a week, and in fact going full time in September. we'll see if that helps.

gen x + gen y

so I says to my much younger husband the other day... "what's the deal with pokemon?"

he starts to explain to me about the new game 'pokemon go', which I'm already aware of. I specifically wanted to know what the plot or purpose of the pokemon world, and why its appealing to people. he explained the basics to me.

so then I asked him "how many pokemons are there?"

and he laughed and said "there's no 's' on pokemon. that was such a 'mom' thing to say".

don't you think?

it's ironic really.

or maybe just unfortunate (to be honest, that alanis song has really warped my understanding of the word 'ironic').

i'm at a job that seems to have no future, and I come across a posting on twitter for a local job that fit my skills, experience and industry perfectly. I'm pretty sure if I submitted my resume they'd feel like they were hitting the jackpot. BUT I can't apply because I'm having a baby in ~8 weeks, so I won't really be available. plus, I don't really have a resume prepared anyway.

despite that, I suppose it's encouraging. I didn't realize that the local transit authority had its own marketing team. every so often, a job that seems perfect for me comes up. here's hoping that when I'm ready to job hunt, that something good will be available.

similar, but different

I've been reading this little novella about an 11-year-old girl who's mom just left. it takes place in 1966. I don't think if I've ever read a book about someone else's experience of separation/divorce as a child, and I relate to it. I feel a mix of sad and empathy for her.

this bit was particularly accurate of my experience: "It wasn't as if she just walked out the door and was gone. from now on, every holiday that came up along, part of me would be hoping she'd show up. the leaving went on and one. I wonder how long it would be before she wouldn't be leaving anymore, she'd just be gone."

i actually feel a sense of indignation that this kid is having to figure out all this stuff on her own. but i suppose its that i feel indignation that i had to figure it out all on my own. I'm glad i did. it just took way longer than it needed to.

a different approach

I know that it comes from a kind and sincere place, but I'm not comfortable with the practice of raising or collecting funds for the loved ones who have died in tragic ways (ie shootings). I don't think there's enough money in the world to heal that hurt.

i understand that people have a desire to do something, and giving money, especially to strangers far away, is something they can do. but i would much prefer to see money go towards the cause of the loss. for example, when someone dies from cancer, usually people give money to the cancer society in their name. that makes sense to me. likewise, i wish money would go towards mental health services, and social support groups, to ending violence and education. i think that would have a broader impact, and would shed light on social problems, rather than feed into the notion that money is the answer.

kind of abrupt

it looks as though i'll be starting my mat leave early. probably in 3 weeks instead of 6. I'm glad about that, but it would've been nicer to finish my baker's dozen worth of years at bbd on a more positive note.

my mom is always referring to me as a planner. "you're a planner", she says with frequency. it irritates me because I think it's the wrong label. it also implies that one is either a planner or not a planner, and there are no other options. finally I said to her yesterday "I'm a doer! and to do stuff, I have to plan stuff". I like to do and experience things, and most of the time, life experiences don't just happen without taking some initiative. I'm not someone who enjoyed the planning more than the doing, but I understand that planning is a means to an end.

all that said, I have no plans or ideas of what I'd do with my whole month of august. the baby isn't due until september 2, and he might even arrive later than that. and on one hand that's fine, it will probably be a while before I have free time to relax and enjoy summer. it would give me some designated 'nesting' time, and the chance to get organized, and find all our newborn clothes (because I'm naturally disorganized and don't know where they are).

have a mentioned that eamon is pretty much potty trained? he still has accidents sometimes, but I'm sure they will become fewer and fewer in the days and weeks ahead. he even wakes up with a dry diaper every so often! :) I'm really glad. I was hoping to have him out of diapers by his 3rd birthday, or at least by the time the new baby is born.  

closer article

while we were away, Brendan bought a few Toronto star newspapers. I kind of like that he does that, because I would never think to sit down and read a newspapers. I like that he still enjoys that activity from a bygone era :)

while he was putting eamon to bed one night, he said to me "you should read that article, I think it would interest you". turns out it was a piece on a new book about female sexuality called "closer", that focuses particularly the female orgasm (it's weird that it's even called the female orgasm, actually, as though climaxing belongs to mean by default).

after giving it a read, I thought "I should share a link to this on my blog. I'm sure I must know some women who would find this informative and helpful". so here it is.

I found the bit about most women never talking to their mother's about sex very interesting. not surprisingly, the only info I got about sex was what I shouldn't do. my parents had a rule that my sister and I were not allowed to date until we were 16 (even as a kid I thought that was a dumb rule). both of us had our first boyfriend at 15, and this caused a lot of problems at home. strangely enough, my sister is enforcing the same rule with her kids (which doesn't make sense to me, you'd think she'd know that it doesn't work). since I wasn't allowed to have my boyfriend at 15, I just snuck behind my mom's back. not only did it make me into a sneaky liar, it meant that I had absolutely no adult guidance about having a healthy relationship or age-appropriate (read: readiness) sexual experiences. it ended up being a really bad, painful and damaging time in my life, that took a long time for me to recover from (since it impacted future relationships, and future relationships continued that damaging cycle).

anyway, if you're a lady, consider giving that article, and maybe even that book, a read! I do think the culture around female sexuality has changed in recent decades. I think a man's success as a lover is being evaluated by how attentive they are to their partner's needs, which didn't used to be the case. but we need more of that, and women need to know more about how they work :)

outlet

well... we're home from our week at the cottage. it was really great. it was nice to have a change of pace, and to be with eamon all the time. we made great strides with potty training, and he's using the potty almost exclusively. he doesn't like full sized toilets, so it's a bit of a risk when we go out, but if we're in a park or whatever, Brendan will take him to pee on a tree. unfortunately, he's twice tried to poop in our backyard :S

the cottage itself was nicer than the photos. they've done quite a lot of work to it, and the changes are really nice. it was very comfortable to hangout in, and it met all our needs.

the one downside was that the lake it was on (east lake) was not great for swimming. it would've been nice to have early morning swims or late afternoon/pre dinner swims, but it was very seaweedy, and eamon was extremely freaked out by it (blood-curdling screams). plus, the fish had obviously been fed by people, so they would swarm humans in search of food. one even tried to nibble my leg to see if I was food. after that I just referred to them as the jerks.

we pretty much did the whole county. the cottage came with use of a season pass to sandbanks, so we went there several times, and to the dunes. we went strawberry picking and to fifth town cheese. we did 3 hikes, and sent the afternoon on Canada day in picton.

I LOVED not having access to the internet. I've realized how much time it sucks. it feels like the equivalent of habitual channel surfing. it's not productive and it's time-sucking. so while at home, I'm only checking my facebook and email one a day and allowing myself about a half hour to an hour to get caught up. instead of jumping on my computer every time I remember something I need to do, I just write it down and do it during my designated internet time. I feel much better rested and like a more well and interesting person. PLUS, I've been doing a LOT of reading! I realized I haven't read a good book (one that really hooked me) since pre-ereader. so I've concluded, that with the exception of nursing (when having only one hand free for reading is necessary), I'm going to stick with real books because they seem to impact my reading experience. so moving forward, I want more books and less click-bait.

now that it's july, I only have 6 weeks left of work. I don't really know how I'm going to fill that time. I really hate the thought of killing time, because time is a pretty precious commodity, and it should be used well (or at least not burned).