transformer

when i heard there was a large power-outage in parts of kingston on tuesday, i wondered what eamon's daycare was going to do. so i wasn't surprised when i got a call within the hours saying that they have a two-hour policy when there is no power, and we'd have to pick him up by 11:30. so i scrambled calling various family members, trying to figure out how to get them a key, calling brendan's co-worker's cell phones, etc. eventually we came up with a plan that joy would pick up eamon, go by brendan's work for a key and meet my dad at our house to take care of eamon while joy went to work. it was a bit chaotic, but everything came together really well, and the power even came back on at our house minutes after they arrived.

it was my dad's first time babysitting him. he used to provide childcare for joy's kids, so part of me thought he'd do fine, but another part of me worried because he's quite a bit older now. plus, he has been known to be a bit neglectful, resulting in the kids clogging the toilet with toys on my dad's watch. 

sounds like they got on like a house on fire. i'm so pleased. i want eamon to bond with him, and vise versa, and often times that requires alone-time together. i think my dad was very proud, which is why i decided not to tell him that he'd put eamon's diaper on backwards so it leaked all over his clothes and bed during his nap :)

afterwards he told me that eamon is such a sweet little guy who interacted really well and gave him no trouble. and that he thinks we're doing a really great job. pretty high praise, it's nice getting that kind of reassurance. 

bail?

well, it was a bit of an embarrassing day as far as media coverage goes, but in spite of that i had the best day at work in a while.

i was thinking today about how my workplace and my role there has shaped who i am. specifically how my mom thinks i plan everything in advance down to all the small details. the thing is, that's my job! we have events and happenings that are planned literary years in advance. after a while, it come to be second nature to think that way. but i like this approach of taking things a day at a time. granted, i don't really know how to do that, and where the line is. like, if i think of anything for tomorrow, in a few days time, or next week, am i not taking it a day at a time anymore?

i guess i'll figure it out as i go.

ouch

i feel like i'm going down with a sinking ship (or maybe instead bobbing in a marooned ship without a life raft).

Bombardier Inc could be barred from bidding on future Toronto Transit ...

Toronto Transit may sue Bombardier over new streetcar delays, says chairman

Quebec government expected to throw Bombardier Inc a lifeline on Thursday

and this is just the stuff that appears on my regular google news feed :S

stand in the place where are

i have this unfair habit of living in the future. unfair because it makes me dismissive of my presence, which is unfortunate, especially after working and pining for my current reality. my mom often remarks that i get more excited during the planning stages than i do in the execution state. i've never had a problem with that, so i've always just shrugged off her comments. but now it's giving me pause.

i'm worried about my lack of presence. i'm wondering if i have an escapism mentality, always wanting away.

life is never perfect, so how do we deal with life's disappointments? how do we manage through the hard bits while remaining present?

i don't really know. but i think it's time for me to find out. i usually just wait discontent out, knowing things will eventually change. but i'd like to be really present, and live boldly in the face of difficulty. it's not my instinct at all, but something's gotta give, and it's not gonna be all the external factors.

what was golden went grey

i'm in a funny head space. i think PMS is doing a number on me at the moment. i'm sad and tired. i've been listening to "peach, plum, pear" on repeat, which probably isn't a good sign, but at the same time it is, because at least i know what soothes me.

i guess, the thing is, that you should be careful what you say to me, because i believed you. and now i don't know what to do with myself.

and i have read the right books
to interpret your looks
you were knocking me down
with the palm of your eye

this was unlike the story
it was written to be
i was riding its back
when it used to ride me

and we were galloping manic
to the mouth of the source
we were swallowing panic
in the face of its force

and i am blue
i am blue and unwell
made me bolt like a horse

nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah...

and you've changed some

for what it's worth

this afternoon, i finished 'go set a watchman. i'd heard a number of things about that book before it came to be in my possession, and had pretty much decided not to bother with it. however, one of our three wonderful sets of tenants gave us a copy, so i thought i'd give it a go.

it was alright. it was a good little book and i was enjoying it. it wasn't amazing or anything, but i liked it. then i got to the end, which is when it really blossomed for me. and when i closed the back cover, i was struck by the strong (i might even say profound) impression it left on me.

i know the expression "coming of age" has been thrown around a lot by reviewers, publishers and film-makers, but this was the first 'coming of age' story that i could relate to. yes, she was 26, but some of us come of age when we're older.

i feel like this book has gotten a bit of a bum wrap from the press. i think harper lee should be proud of it. it's lovely in its own right.

winter's coming...

i spent the better part of an hour blow-drying our large living room window tonight. we decided to put insulation plastic on it because it's such a large surface and it made the room feel chilly. it was SO BORING. hopefully i'll be worth it. i'm worried that eamon or someone else will accidentally stab it and break the plastic, rendering my time spent useless. i also want to put some in our shower window. showering right beside a exterior window, especially in the morning, is unpleasant.

head scratcher

i have to admit something... i've been rather puzzled about why CBC radio 2 has been making such a big deal about the "jagged little pill" 20th anniversary. it's weird to me. you'd think canada had never produced a commercially successful album before. 

rain and shine

thankfully eamon's sleeping has turned a corner, and he's going to bed again like his usual self. hooray! we actually put him down early since he had a short nap this afternoon. and now i'm finding i have extra time on my hands that i don't know what to do with :S strange problem to have.

well actually, i spoke too soon... brendan's going to run to the store for a chip run, and then we're going to watch sitcoms on netflix.

in the meantime, i should empty the dishwasher and then put more dishes in it. i super love had a dishwasher, but i'm slightly afraid of it because of the movie "garden state".

"where's dada?"

it's really neat watching your partner grow into a soft-hearted dada. brendan has been a great dad with a special way with eamon since day one, but i can see how being a parent changes him every day. he was one proud fella yesterday when we got the proofs of eamon's school pictures. his heart swelled. it's really lovely and a beautiful transformation.  

spectrum

for whatever reason, i'm always alone when watching election results. that's not a bad thing, just something i noticed. this has been an particularly interesting evening of results. it's been enjoyable to see things mixed up a bit!

lately, eamon does not like sleeping in his room alone. we have to cuddle him in his room til he's asleep or almost asleep. sometimes it takes an hour. i'm trying to keep perspective; i get to hold and cuddle him, which is not something i get to do when he's awake and busy, and time is passing quickly, it won't be long before he doesn't want to be cuddled to sleep. it just takes SO LONG and i have such little time left when i'm finally able to sneak out of his room.

cardboard

i've discovered that we have a lot of junk in our storage room several (or should i say 'many') boxes containing random things we don't need. junk that i crammed into boxes as long ago as 4 years ago. i made a good dent into them this afternoon though, so that's good.

however, i CANNOT find our bag/box/basket or winter hats and mitts. it's so annoying! i had really good hats and mitts, and the day is approaching that we're gonna need them. even just light hats and mitts. i have one more place to look, but i don't have much hope, because i don't remember packing them in that closet in the first place. i know exactly where they were on main street.

unhappen

after 2+ weeks in the shop, we finally got our car back! i'm so glad. we didn't like our rental car, although we were thankful to have it. the only thing i don't like is that our car has lots of garbage in it.

the car repair itself was $8500

the car rental was $740

and the new car seat was over $200

and we didn't have to pay for any of it! we're SOOOOO grateful.

i drive more defensively than i used to. i don't want to have another accident with this car. we like it and want to keep it.

i frequently get called lori now that my last name is lorimer.

people can't remember my name, and just remember the last word they heard.

except, sometimes it happens in emails too. 

lori lorimer. i bet there's someone out there named that. 

ccccchanges

ohmygoodness.... eamon slept through the night! this is the first time in a really long time. maybe not since our move. WHAT A RELIEF! granted, this may not be a pattern, he might not do it again tonight, but it couldn't have come at a better time since the previous night was the worst!

us lorimers are really in a season of change. after this weekend, we will be returning to a one-car family. brendan's taking his pt crusier into the wreakers. it's in really bad shape and is really unsafe. it will be an adjustment, more for brendan than for me, but i think it's worth it. that car has been cursed since before we inherited it. while i'm happy to see it go, i recognize that the timing isn't great. having to walk or take the bus more is better (easier, more bearable) in warmer weather, but those unresponsive breaks in the winter-weather would be bad news. so good-bye, bjrk - i hate you. 

tackled

i had THE worst night's sleep last night. eamon was up calling for me (and refused to be cuddled by brendan). then i was wide awake for 2 hours, and i tossed and turned getting upset and worked up about stuff at work. i did fall a few more hours of sleep and woke up with more resolve than i had in the night. i've got to pull it together because i can see myself slipping into a severely discouraged headspace. thankfully when i decide not to let life pin me down, i can usually dig myself out and get on top of things. fingers crossed!

did i tell you i'm still driving that rental car? it's been over 2 weeks now. i really want my kia back.

gut-rot

after 6 days off, i found it extremely difficult to get up this morning at 5:30. it really is the middle of the night :S

here's hoping i'll adjust quickly and easily!

perma-date

today brendan turned 27.

i've been waiting for this day for more than 6 years. back before we were dating, and friends would say to me "why don't you date brendan?" i would say "he's only 20! i'd date him if he was 27". for some reason, 27 didn't seem like a kid anymore. obviously i didn't wait, and i'm glad i didn't.

let me do the date-a-younger-man math:

i'm 35.

divided by 2 is 17.5

plus 7

equals 24.5

i am officially in the clear.

we've also been together for 6 years. having our first real date on october 12, 2009. i'm really happy with the life we've built together. he's a good man, a good partner, and i'm so grateful to live my life with him.

on a completely different note, i think we've turned a corner with eamon's potty training! he's starting to get it!

naps

i frequently need to remind myself that resting is a legitimate use of my time. back when i was on mat leave, i came to understand this, but slowly since i've been back at work, i put more value on it. i think it's because my time is more limited and i want to use it doing stuff i don't usually get to do. which does include resting.

stale

sometimes my heart aches being away from my kid, and that makes everything else feel awful.
i know that's making me catastrophize everything in my head, but i feel super trapped and desperate.

i was telling brendan the other day about my new office.
"now, in my new office, i'm not just figuratively alone anymore, i'm literally alone"
he thought that was the funniest sad thing he's ever heard.

don't get me wrong. i really like my new office. but it does make me feel like "holy @&%$, is this my life now?" i feel like i'm in a dead-end.

this weekend...

- les gets new office at work

- les and b host wine tasting party

- les gives eamon a decent haircut

- eamon pukes in supermarket

- brendan gets a dryer off kijiji (another thing strucked off our to-do list)

- les falls asleep watching netflix at 8:45 and doesn't wake up again except to get into pjs

- les pedals brendan's bike to next despite a flat tire and seized brakes

- brendan's bike is stolen from next

stuff

i've been falling asleep really early this week. the nice thing is that i've also been waking before my alarm clock, which shows i'm not sleep deprived due to late nights.

anyway... on wednesday, i had a minor car accident. significant enough that my car will be in the shop for the next week :S it's a real drag, and i miss the familiarity of our car. plus, it's a nice car!

despite all this, everything is going smoothly with getting it fixed. thankfully it's just superficial damage. we've also addressed a bunch of things from our to-do list and i feel like the amount of stuff we have to do or deal with is getting lighter.