push

my new year's eve entry is always my favourite entry of the year. my yearly recap. my chance to take a look at the past year, to lie it all out on the table and peruse it. 2007 was not a year of many changes. it didn't hold new beginnings or many endings. it simply was. this being said, i wonder what i can conjure up, perhaps more happened than i think.

• had heart broken within first week of 2007
• paid off one of three osap loans
• mayelin returned to work after a year's maternity leave
• tim's dad died
• pete died
• took at road trip to ottawa with melissa to pick up beckie and toured the parliament buildings
• entered the stock market by purchasing bombardier shares
• melinda returned from austria
• fru died
• adopted honey and pekoe
• organized knitting project for kenya
• got adobe creative suite for my computer & more ram
• joined storytellers anonymous
• re-stained my balcony
• planted a garden on my balcony
• went to toronto on a business trip to a rail rodeo and conference
• one of my closest friends came out of the closet
• joined facebook
• read the harry potter series
• took a two-day first aid course
• undertook the design and art direction of hatch magazine
• had beck as a house guest over the summer
• went camping with my family
• went to p.e.i. with melinda (see arsenault)
• re-arranged my living room and bedroom into much more homey set-ups
• bought an elliptical
• painted back porch
• cooked thanksgiving dinner for my family at my house for the first time
• finally raised desk at work in order to stand at it
• had first four cavities filled

for an uneventful year it a lot happened. i'm not sad to close the door on 2007, it was not a great one. i realize nothing actually changes on new year's day, but there's something to be said for "tomorrow's another day". i would have welcomed 2008 a long time ago if i could have. in addition to the above list i also made new friends and parted ways with others. it's bittersweet. actually, i'd say this has been a bittersweet year. a lot of people have encouraged me, and told me they think this year holds good things. i'm hopeful, but still a tiny bit afraid of reaching 2009 and things being exactly the same as they are now. it's not that there's anything wrong with now, but people are supposed to move forward and change, and if they don't that's not good. at some point being stationary turns into diminishing. i will try my best to be bold and have courage.

i will begin again.

fish

my internal clock is officially wack. it's now past 3 am and i'm pretty much fully awake. i'm going to go to bed after this regardless, but i can sense some difficulty as i go back to work on wednesday.

i hope you don't get the wrong impression. i wish i hadn't walked away the way i did. you may never think of me again, but i'll think of you. i wish i could tell you it's nothing personal, if anything it's the personal that makes it harder. however, i've made my bed and now i have to sleep in it.

in the past goals for the new year were very apparent. it wasn't difficult for me to identify the path ahead of me. when i look back at those dreams it's clear that i've achieved them, i've done well for myself and i've come along way. that can make things difficult and somewhat confusing. but i guess i just shouldn't over think things and simply appreciate what i have and how far i've come. even so it makes me feel kind of silly setting goals to be less negative and to obliterate my personal use of plastic bags. they seem so minuscule, it feels like i'm just being picky. anal retentive. i wonder if it's too hard to ask for a challenge – something i can really tackle – without it being a problem or an emotional strain. i don't like problems, i don't want mind-bending confusion. maybe i should build a pyramid in the memorial centre's field, they say those can't be done. or maybe i could find a cure for the common cold.

ok, just so i have some cliff-notes to look back on next year-end, i'll jot down some goals:
• discontinue my use of plastic bags
• drop the 10 pounds i gained in 2007
• curb my own negativity and critical talk
• hook-up
• go to baffin island to visit beckie
• have people over more
• spend less money
now, most of those things are not "measurable" (as they would say at work) so i might be difficult to determine whether or not i've achieved them, but that's ok because it's not like i'll be getting a raise or anything based on the results. hm, i feel as though i need a wild card goal. i'll have to think of that and get back to you in a day or two.

to this day, when everything breaks,
you are the anchor that holds me.

conjugate

i watched mulan with joelle yesterday. that movie gets me every time. i was trying to wipe my tears without her noticing and to have a steady voice to explain the plot to her. it was difficult, but thankfully she was too young to notice the quiver in my voice. it feels so silly, but i just love how she fights in place of her father who was too proud to say he was too old and weak to go.

i've really been enjoying beckie's company. it's nice having someone else in my space, to think in we's instead of me's. we've been eating a lot of junk food, and putting on some pounds. we're on a romantic-comedy kick and go to the goat really late at night, then we stay up until 3 am.

i've decided to stop accepting bags when i make purchases. now that i don't need plastic bags for kitty litter they just keep filling up my bottom drawer. more times than not i can just place my purchases in my bag, and when they don't fit it's really not that hard to carry something in my hand, not harder than carrying a bag. however, i'm still trying to get into the habit of telling store clerks that i don't need a bag, but i'm sure it'll become habitual.

one of the things i applaud about the english language is conciseness. how most often a sentence can be condensed into a short string of words. that's not usually possible when someone has a limited vocabulary, they tend to depend on a lot of "really really"s or "very very"s.

i feel like i'm 14 again. wondering at my own decision making. questioning my good sense. rattled by internal conflicts.

my chance to say something seemed so brief, but it wasn't.
now i know i had plenty of time.

how to dismantle a pomegranate

i'm a little tipsy right now. beckie is home and we just finished a bottle of wine. it wouldn't have effected me except i chugged the last half of my glass. i tend to not believe alcohol has an effect on me then am reminded later when i'm feeling wobbly.

i had lunch with bud and jess today at windmills, it's been a long while since i'd been there. then we went to the goat. apparently i was a victor in the artel silent auction taking home 6 snazzy photos for the maxi pad's walls. nice.

sometimes it feels like life is a crazy math equation that i'm attempting to solve. i haven't a clue what i'm actually doing but i'm hoping i'll get it right.

this is a communal effort. i'd like to give a shout out to beckie who's reading over my shoulder. we've been dancing and competing to see who has the bigger bum. no solid conclusions have been reached yet.

i wonder if i've crossed the line of what's coherent. she told me not to write when i've been drinking.

i need to do something to my bathroom to make it more cozy. any suggestions? haha. i know a cozy bathroom might seem odd, but it just feels really bare and bleak.

if he wasn't mentally ill he'd be the perfect man for me.

davy crockett

well. i had a fantastic christmas with my family. part of me is disappointed that it'll be a whole year before the next one.

joelle was my little buddy who followed me everywhere i went. i slept in her room on a mattress on the floor and woke each morning to the sound of a little voice saying "auntie lesley...." it was really sweet, i had a really fun time with her and caleb. i'm not a huge baby person. i like babies, i think they're really beautiful and amazing, but i'm not the sort of person who will ask to hold them or anything. i kind of feel like joelle is fully into kidhood now and i can play with her and spend time with her in a tangible way. and my relationship with caleb is starting to develop too (it's harder when we're surrounded by a group of grown-ups who are all equally wanting him to sit on their lap. so i feel like i'm finally getting some one-on-one time with him).

we all got along very well, and i had ample opportunity to practice my new "no-gossiping and no-negative" talk policy. it was quite difficult at first but i'm getting the hang of either finding something positive to say instead of something negative, or simply keeping my comments to myself. it's quite refreshing and i feel like a lighter person.

i went to a duck potluck at irina's place tonight. i'd never had duck before. it was a really fun time, and the funny thing is that we all knew one another separately from different places. kingston is crazy tight-knit, it's not even 6 degrees of separation here, it's more like 3, sometimes 2. some people (i.e. melinda. oh, is it gossipy of me to name-drop in this instance?) HATE how inter-twined ktown is, but i love it. it's impossible to meet someone and not be able to find something/someone you have in common. it makes conversation so much easier. anyway, we "watched" flash dance" although that's debatable whether or not i can say that we watched it since we all made various comments right thru it. then we played "apples & apples" which is really quite a fun game. i haven't been much of a game person in the past, but i blame that on my lack of association with game lovers. i'd be up for more game playing in the future.

well i should go. it's 2 am, and so it's nearing my holiday bedtime. until next time... stay fit and have fun.

forget your name,
forget your fear.

waterlogged

i've been working on a painting. secretly. i haven't described it to anyone because i think it would sound strange and the finish product is much nicer than its description. anyway, i completed it an hour ago. it's the first of 4 in a series. the photo doesn't capture it accurately, but you can get the general idea. the colours are a wee bit off. i used acrylic paint and pencil crayon. it is my opinion that pencil crayon is a vastly overlooked medium. i like using it for finishing touches.

he called me at 3 am. i was startled awake by the sound of the phone ringing.

i got thinking today and concluded that i would like to cut-back on my gossiping habits. sometimes i can be such a ninny and i don' t like it. i have actually been working on that, but haven't yet made much ground. i think by actually vocalizing that it will help me break that habit. my mom and i were talking about it today and she thinks people gossip because they don't have anything else to talk about. i think that's a pretty accurate conclusion, and bearing this in mind will help me. if i find myself resorting to gossip to fuel a conversation then i'll take that as a cue to talk about something else. world issues perhaps. the evils of walmart. the clinton impeachment inquiry. i think talking about other people can be extremely toxic and something i'd like to distance myself from because it makes me feel yucky. on the bright-side, i've found by observing gossipy people i've discovered just how toxic it is! so for that i'm grateful. it's very easy to get roped into, so i must be on guard.

i watched a muppet christmas carol on the tv today. i love that movie. i love the muppets. i'm such a child of the 80s. man, does anyone know what gonzo is supposed to be? i feel conflicted about miss piggy and kermit. part of me thinks they shouldn't be together, she's a pig, he's a frog, biologically that just doesn't work. and then i feel racist.

i'll never make the same mistake.

facet

i just thought of another thing i've never done before... i've never read a science fiction book. err, wait, i had to read the chrysalids in high school. i really enjoyed it. so i guess that means i technically have read a sci-fi book before. darn.

my christmas shopping is progressing. i bumped into my dad at chapters tonight, i heard his voice and thought "hey... i know that person!" i treated him to a cup of tea and we split a cookie. then we went to cosco and ate all the samples.

come sit next to me,
pour yourself some tea.

frame

i got four cavities filled today on a whim. i wasn't scheduled to have them filled until january, but went today instead. i insisted that they fill all the bottom ones instead of 2 on the top and 2 on the bottom because they top ones don't bother me. the bottoms ones are very sensitive. they agreed to do it and froze my entire mouth. it took about 6 hours to wear off. around 5:30 i got really hungry and made myself some dinner but i couldn't even drink liquids so eating was out of the question. its not that my fillings weren't set, it was that i couldn't feel the food in my mouth to chew it. having my lower half of my face frozen was a very odd sensation, it was as though i was touching another person's face. i wasn't able to speak properly as i left the dentist office, and as i paid i realized i was not able to talk without hordes of spit pouring from my mouth, so i tried to respond with nods, smiles and friendly eyes. i hope it was effective and they gathered a "thank you" from my body/face language.

the dental drill was much less scary than i expected. i'd imagined them standing over me with a carpenters drill, i was all set to calm myself with brave words, but that was unnecessary. i laid there with my legs crossed and my hands resting under my head like i was lying in a field on a sunny-breezy summers day.

i'm so glad that tomorrow is my last day of work before my 10 day holiday. hurray! i could really use a break, i'm having a dickens of a time getting up each morning. beckie arrived last night and i'm really enjoying having her around. i was disappointed that my face was froze because it limited our options for the evening, but it was nice just hanging around. beck ordered a pizza and by then my face was almost back to normal.

having my first filling today marks yet another thing off my list of things i've never done. things remaining...
• never been skiing
• never been fired
• never been skinny dipping
• never seen the movie white christmas
• never eaten cambodian
• never went to university
• never permanently coloured my hair
• never met my grandpa
• never rode a ski-doo
• never seen the northern lights
• never been to algonquin park
• never got a bikini wax
• never been hung-over
• never watched the sun-rise

i wonder if i'll do any of those things in 2008.

i love how bright it is outside at night because of all the snow. it looks like a full moon every night.

p.s. i'm still looking for someone to christmas shop with on saturday....

i guess there's got to be a break in the monotony, but when it rains how it pours.

coffin

christmas shopping is time consuming. i went to three different dollar stores looking for this little tripod thing for my mom. i'm pretty tired, but had things i wanted to do at home before hitting the hay early. i'm pretty exhausted, however, there's only two more days of work before my christmas break, so i'm just biding my time.

i had my performance evaluation today, it went very well. i got a lot of 'superior results' and 'role models' considering i've spent my life being mediocre at everything, it feels great to excel at something. i'm not saying i'm not good at stuff, i'm just saying that there has always been someone else better than me at everything i do. i was a crappy student all the way to oac, and even in college i was just average. it's interesting to me that everything that makes me really great at my job are not things i was taught in a classroom.

does anyone want to go christmas shopping with me on saturday? i only have 5 more things to get. i got a christmas gift from the knickers today. i wasn't sure if i should have got her something too. i don't think so. i think it's a kind of thank you gift. it's this really nice pottery thing for putting spoons on when you're cooking. its really pretty. she clearly was thinking of me when she picked it, because it suits my place really well.

if i could book your life story out from the library i would.

this'll be the last time i ever do your hair.

yearbook

i've had a really fantastic birthday. so far 28 has been very good.

frank took me out for lunch and we stopped at the MTO in napanee to get my driver's license renewed. the lady told me i'm going to be one of the first people with the new cards (they're going to contain a hologram of our photos), so that's neat. she really liked my new photo and commented that i don't look any older than i did in my old photo, which i liked because it was taken in 2000. i like that i'm wearing my new tie headband in my new photo.

i had the girls over tonight for a tea party. it was really fun and i'd like to do that more often. it was a little crowded and i didn't get the chance to talk to everyone as much as i would have liked, but i think everyone had a nice time which is what's important. i really value my friends (yes, i DO have friends, it's just hard when i feel alone to remember that), my mom and i both feel recharged when we have good company. for a while i was needing a break from people, i think i've had that break, perhaps it was too long and my people fuel was running low. i realized after everyone left that i forgot to take photos of my birthday party. that was disappointing. oh well. there's always next time. anyways... thanks girls for coming over! it was so very nice to have you. thanks for making my birthday special [u]

i know it's just a small thing, but i'm so encouraged that 28 has started off so well. it's nice to have a fresh start. it's like a crisp piece of paper.

pleased to look forward, pleased to look behind,
and count each birthday with a grateful mind.

snowbank

this evening marks the end of yet another year. it is my birthday eve. it's been a snowy-blowy day, i'm hoping i'll be able to have a snow day tomorrow. on this day in 1979 there was a big storm in sarina and my dad forgot to plug in the car. so when they tried to leave for the hospital, the car wouldn't start and they had to call some friends for a drive. i was born at either 5:56 or 6:56 (my mom is hazy on the details), so i would imagine that they left no later than 3 am if not before.

usually i'm very adamant that i am [blank] years of age right up until the strike of midnight, but i've been considering myself 28 since mid-november. even when i was at the dentist i told her i was 28 when she asked how old i was. it makes me laugh because that's just going to make '28' seem like a really long year. when i was 10 it felt like it lasted forever, even my mom would say to me "are you STILL 10?", it felt like i was 10 for two years!

beckie just predicted that 28 will be a good year for me. she said "i feel like it will be, but it'll start slow". i just wanted to mark her words as a reminder. and while i'm at it (on an unrelated topic) i'm supposed to mark her words that it'll be weeks, maybe more.

this afternoon i turned on all the overhead lights in my house to see if that might make a difference. i think it may have helped, i'll keep that up and see how things go.

farewell '27'. i bid you adieu, never shall i look upon you again.

and scene.

stars shining bright above you;
night breezes seem to whisper love you.
birds singing in the sycamore tree.
dream a little dream of me.

the lamb

i need to start remembering that it's winter outside and that i should remove my boots when i enter my house before the melt all over the floor.

well. i got a hold of melinda and she took me with her to the artel christmas potluck (i was the only random guest there, but was welcome just the same). after that we went to the screening room where we saw death at a funeral. it was a really crazy obscure movie, but that's probably because we didn't know anything about the plot before hand. i like seeing movies that i know nothing about. we also went to the goat where i made a bid in the silent auction there. that was neat. i've never done that before.

i got carded at the liquor store today when i went to buy some champagne for the potluck. it was difficult to keep a straight face. i was just so happy that i'm turning 28 and could still pass for 18. i don't look my age, i don't dress my age. i'll try to take comfort in that.

arriving home i felt much better. my problem right now is very circumstantial, and after being around people i was feeling upbeat again. i'm frustrated because my weeks are so busy and my weekends are so solitary. i think i should start funneling all social events towards the weekends, because on weeknights i have to go to bed at a decent hour so that i'm not uber tired. melinda and irina diagnosed me with s.a.d., i think safe to assume they're right. that's obviously not the only problem, my life is topsy-turvy, and i'm tired of being alone, but the s.a.d. probably affects how i react to that and how i cope.

this morning i woke-up at 8:40 and was fully-rested. i was still feeling a little dopey so i sat on the couch and watched infomercials on a country-music boxset.

i got to believe in you.
i got to believe it's true.

go

i'm alone without plans yet again on a saturday. i partly blame myself because i decided that i would start planning plans ahead of time so that i don't spend another weekend feeling lonely and isolated. i tried, but no one took me up on my suggestion, and everyone else is busy with their families. i feel as though no one takes me seriously. i've asked upwards to a dozen people if they know anyone they can set me up with, and not a single person has come up with anyone. i am sincerely asking for people to help me meet someone, because i feel as though i'm losing my mind with loneliness. but they don't seem to care, it's not their problem. what do they care if i meet someone or not.

i'm growing suspicious that i don't actually have any friends because if i'm as "popular" as everyone thinks, then why do i spend so much time alone. maybe i don't have any friends at all, it feels like i'm living my life estranged from everyone except for the occasional visitor, a guest-star in the occasional episode. there's not a single person that i see more than once a month outside of formal events like work, church or living room.

i guess today i'll just clean my apartment getting ready for my birthday "celebration" and then go to the screening room alone.

i'm sorry, i don't mean to be rude. i'm just sad and i'm tired of feeling this way. i think i should stop blogging until i actually have something good to say. i'm becoming a real downer. but i need people in order to recharge, and i'm as dry as a bone.

something radical has to change in my life.

he felt it in his heart, but it wouldn’t come through his hands.

addendum:
i just realized i was feeling exactly the same this time last year. perhaps it's seasonal, or perhaps it's just the season of my life.

repo

i don't want you to take this the wrong way but, everything wrong with me is my own fault. haha. i really don't mean it that way. i mean, all the physical problems i've had have been self-inflicted. and usually because i wasn't taking care of myself. gained 50 pounds... my fault. got 8 cavities... my fault. i'm a healthy and fortunate person, so i think it's easy for me take my good health for granted and assume that ailments will pass me by. but they don't. i think i also tend to believe that i can do everything i want to do, forgetting my own physical limitations. i'm tired. if it was up to my brain, i'd be doing my dishes right now, but my body won't let me. i'm so tired. i didn't ellipticate today, which annoys me, because i'm still 10 pounds overweight, and it's not budging. i should have worked out, but i'm just so tired and weary. joy says my iron may be low, that women have lower iron levels after their period. i think she's probably right. that and i don't get enough sleep. no wonder i'm exhausted. i don't know how other people do it. maybe they don't have to get up as early as me, it's hard for to go to bed when there's other things i'd rather be doing. like hanging out with friends, or watching the office season three on dvd.

it occurred to me that i miss having housemates. right now i'm forgetting all that i love about living alone. i like having people around and not having to entertain them. it was nice having melinda and irina in the other rooms while i did my own thing. i look forward to beckie staying her during her christmas break. at least i assume she'll be staying here for a little bit at least. i've been spending too much time alone, and yet i have no energy to go out or have people over. living alone is making me feel detached and disjointed. people tell me it's the weather, and that i'll feel better when the light returns, i hope so. if not, i'll have to consider getting housemates again in a year or two, which would be a shame because i love my house.

knickers mentioned me going with her to pittsburgh in the new year. that would be exciting, i really liked pittsburgh when i was there last.

i think my hair looks awesome. i forgot how much i like it this way.

do you find you get tired much earlier
when you just want the days to end?

wipe

i went to the dentist today.
i've never had anyone else floss my teeth before.
it was really weird.

maybe the company of strangers is just what i need.

aside

i have no idea how an ox and lamb would keep time.

well, i've begun the third season of the office. it feels really good to laugh out loud. i think i was in an extra jovial mood, because i'd worked out on my elliptical and had discovered that peddling backwards minimizes the squeaks. i've sprayed the HECK out of that contraption and it STILL won't stop squeaking. i need someone to stand there as i peddle to tell me where the sound is coming from, because it ALWAYS stops squeaking when i try to crouch down to hear. i wonder if it's TRYING to make me insane. ironically, peddling backwards was also a more intense workout and i think i used thigh muscles i don't usually work.

i'm trying to try new things. after work in the remains for daylight, i was trying to fasten on some replacement windshield wipers. a man named marc came along as i was doing this and began to help me. i initially i wanted him to continue on his way, i have a difficult time accepting help from men – i think that's directly related to the fact that when i was a kid, having to take care of my mom there were no men around to help me, and if i could find a way to manage then, i SHOULD be able to manage now. regardless, in spite of my instincts, i accepted his help and i really appreciated it. i think i'm slowly breaking down the walls i've built up, being vulnerable isn't so bad, when you get used to it. it's like immersing yourself in cold water, it's quite enjoyable when you've gotten used to it.

my baseball bat won't ever be the same. it will aways bear the scars. sometimes we need a reminder of our mistakes, virtual scar tissue to ward off a repeat.

there's a lot that i don't know for certain, but i'm becoming more in tune. more often than i realize, i intuitively know something before it's even stated. that's not to say that i'm never surprised, but i think i'm learning to pick up on vibes and signs, to know when something is significant and decipher what it means. there's an answer for everything and it's only a matter of time.

well maybe now i understand just what it's been that's bugging me.

tunic

perhaps i have learned to love without fear.

fear is the path to the dark side. fear leads to anger.
anger leads to hate. hate leads to suffering.

fiat

i just got home from yet another bombardier christmas party. i had a nice time as usual. i ate a big meal and danced the night away. both the eating and the dancing really surprised me since i can't usually consume a lot of food and i don't usually dance in public. two years ago, i went with april and mayelin. then last year, neither of them worked at bbd so i went alone. then this year they were both there again. that amazes me. it was really fun and we had a lot of laughs. it's nice to get dressed up on occasion and feel like a woman.


i've come to an important conclusions – i'm not going to write entries when i'm pmsing. i don't think it's a good idea. i have a pretty short memory for when it comes to feelings, and i think it's better for me to forget feeling hopeless once it moves on instead of immortalizing it in writing.

i was really disappointed because i didn't have time to go to joanna's christmas party this afternoon. i just didn't have enough time to get everything done, and i get overwhelmed very easily. i don't really know how other people do it. i sometimes struggle to keep it all together.

hm

i want to thank myself for being so hard on myself.
there's no one else could know how much i really must improve.
i see my faults come through in every aspect of my life.
i just see the downside of every single thing i do.
i should point out that overall i'm not so negative
i know that there are mostly good things for me in this world.
i feel like, all in all, i'm only being realistic.
i'm glad to see the merits of the things i'm trying to do.

oscar

i quite enjoyed my trip to the dentist today. my hygienists name is lauri, and she was very nice lady. very friendly and i felt very comfortable asking her questions and stuff. there was a lot to go over, i told her about my cavity and about my baby-corner tooth. she took a lot of x-rays and one specifically of my baby-tooth to get a clear idea of what's going on. i have a baby-corner tooth with the adult tooth behind it still under the surface. it's just never come down thru the gums and the baby-tooth has never budged. i heard recently that sometimes impacted teeth can develop cysts around them, which cause a lot of serious problems. this obviously concerned me, so i wanted to get the low-down on that. my old dentist (dr motruk – i won't hesitate to name-names in this case because i would strongly advise any patients of his to go elsewhere) was almost secretive and wouldn't really tell me anything about my oral health. where lauri today was the exact opposite. she said it's their policy to discuss all matters with their patients so they can together work towards a healthy mouth. that amazed me, and it makes a lot of sense! she explained everything she was doing, and why they were doing it. she also explained how oral hygiene affects the rest of the body, how plaque contributes to diabetes and heart disease. it was very interesting!

anyways, the dentist only came in for a 5 minute inspection (i spent about an hour and a quarter with lauri. i realized that hygienists are like dental nurses. they do all the ground work and one-on-one stuff, and the dentists do all the specialty stuff and have the final say). i discussed my impacted tooth with the dentist in depth, she seemed annoyed at my old dentist for not properly dealing with it when he should have. she said i should not have a baby-tooth as a grown-up if there's an adult tooth in there. she said if you reach 13 and you still have baby-teeth then they should be pulled. my corner-tooth would have come down properly back then, but it's too late now, it's roots are firmly developed and it's not moving without braces. she said it's in perfect condition and would be every easy to slip into place with orthodontics. however, that's not something i'm interested in pursuing. she said that considering the location and condition of my impacted tooth, there is no concern of cysts. which was all i needed to know. phew!

when the dr was in seeing my teeth, she checked for cavities. i was listening carefully for her to confirm or deny whether or not i did in fact have a cavity. she didn't say much, then in almost no time at all she was shaking my handing and leaving the room. i was about to say to lauri "does that mean i don't have any cavities?" when she said "you have 4 cavities" i gasped in shock! then she said "oh, wait, no, you have 8 cavities. that was just the bottom". hahaha, i could have fallen over. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

so i discovered why one should not wait 4 years between dentist appointments. i'm extremely thankful that i have coverage thru work. needless to say i have a greater commitment to brushing my teeth after every meal. i have to go back next week for a cleaning, and then back twice in january to get my fillings done. i need to decide if i want white fillings or metal fillings. they said metal fillings last longer. i kind of like the idea of metal fillings. they seem so old-school. i'll have think about that, since i'll have to live with my decision for the rest of my life. in a way it's like a really bad tattoo.

to call for hands of above,
to lean on,
wouldn't be good enough.

sprinkles

sometimes opportunities present themselves, and we have to decide whether or not to take them. i've long thought life is a choose your own adventure. we are constantly faced with choices that can alter the path of our lives. even the simplest thing (walking home a different route, attending an event, a rainy day) can produce such impacting moments without our fore-knowledge. i met a significant friend once in a very unlikely event, afterwards i'd often say to him "what if i hadn't gone there that day? i wasn't planning on going, but if i hadn't, i would never have met you". being a bit of a fatalist he'd simply say "i'm sure we would have met eventually". he's probably right. one night i was down on colborne street on a stormy night one february. i couldn't find the house i was looking for. being very confused by the absence of the house number i was looking for, i started toward the closest house to knock and ask for help. at the last minute i chickened out and went home to double check the address. six months later i met rhonda, that little house i almost went to on colborne was her house. i would have met her that night if i hadn't gone home instead. i think it takes a lot of courage to make decisions that are life-altering. i can only think of a handful of my own bold decisions that have panned out. but sometimes we have to take a chance, and taping into that courage is enough, even when nothing gives.

i was talking to someone tonight about hatch. a man in his fifties. he was the second (man in his fifties) to suggest that we sell ad space so we can afford to get it printed. both times i've been surprised by the suggestion and inwardly cringed. i don't know if it's a generational thing, or a matter of outlook, but (and i may be wrong to speak for everyone) we're don't want to cheapen our zine by turning it into "corporate" propaganda. haha, listen to me, haha, i WORK for a corporation. but probably because of that i understand the difference between business and art. hatch is art. and i don't want to see it be bought by the man so we can keep cranking them out. it's home-grown, it's grass-roots, and i hope it stays that way.

we'll cast some light and you'll be alright.

yonder

i think i just got a paper cut on my nose!

well, i'm feeling much better today. i'll tell you more about that in a bit, but first...

i switched to flushable kitty litter. it's more expensive, but i'm hoping it'll be worth it. it will drastically cut back on my quantity of trash, and i think it'll be easier to maintain. this also means i won't need to use plastic grocery bags, but can use cotton ones instead! (i used to use my grocery bags for disposing of the dirty litter). the new stuff is made of wheat and supposedly it eliminates odors. which is good, i hate the chemical scent of normal litter. hee hee, i love my kitties, they're so funny. i hope they aren't weirded out by the new litter and not use it.

i spun out in traffic today. did a total 180 on a hill. thankfully i was only mildly scared because i needed to be level-headed and think clearly. the cars behind me were far enough back that there were no further repercussions. after that i was quite nervous driving the rest of the way, and i spend the rest of the trip trying to figure out of there's another route to work that has no hills. unfortunately, i don't think there is. i'm going to start leaving the house at 7:15 if i want to get to the office by 8.

i emailed with my mom today, she was very understanding, and i emailed with david too. he always seems to know the right things to say. he asked me some good thought provoking questions, and the conversation has left me feeling encouraged. he's almost convinced me to try internet dating. i suppose i might as well give it a try, it's almost a right of passage nowadays. david is convinced "not being able to find someone" is a wide spread problem across our generation, so maybe this is my best option. i'm not sure what the success ratings are, but i know of several people have met their husbands that way, including one of my best friends who's getting married next spring. i won't put all my hopes in it, but it's probably worth looking into. i've decided though to not dive into that until the new year. give myself some time, and start fresh in the new year. 2007 has kind of sucked in a lot of ways. it's been a rough one, but i suppose i was due for a hard one, they can't ALL be great. HEY! you know what i just realized? i have sucky years every 3 years! 2001, 2004, 2007! weird! so anyway, when i finally take the plunge into online dating i'll probably solicit your help. when i wrote my résumé, i asked my friends to all tell me one word they thought described me. so i'll probably do that, but not yet. ok that's enough about my single state for the next while. i don't want to be a complainer and drive everyone away from me. i just wanted to update you and not leave things hanging bleakly.

ooh, i'm all in the mood for christmas music. i haven't been much of a christmas music fan since i lived at home with my sister, but i suddenly am now! i don't have any christmas cds or anything, if anyone has any they could lend to me, or make into a christmas mixed cd for me, that would be super!

my confusion-cornered commuters are cursing the cold away,
as december tries to dissemble the length of their working day.

inanimate

i have a sneaking suspicion that i may be an adult. hmm. that seems really surreal ;)

i have a cavity. it's my first. it's sensitive to sweet things and cold things. my dentist is a loony-bin, so i've been putting off going to the dentist because i needed to find a new one. and i just didn't know how to go about finding one. they all seem to be pretty much the same. i asked upwards to a dozen people, and everyone said their dentist was the best. i was hoping that i'd come across two people who had the same dentist and that would help me decide. in the end i did decide on one and i booked an appointment this thursday.

i don't feel like myself these days.

sometimes i feel tempted to close away into myself. i've been pmsing, so i've been battling waves of grief while trying to consciously remind myself that it's not so bad, that i'll get thru once again. at times i feel like i'm beyond ripe and now i'm rotting. everything's ok, i'm just tired and don't have much fight left in me. my life is fine, it's good, i'm very fortunate. but i'm hating being single, and it's impossible to appreciate all that you do have when you're missing the one thing you want. i almost feel guilty about that. i also feel sick to my stomach.

canadian tire is completely sold out of windshield scrapers. and mine broke last night down on bagot street. i find it kind of funny. there's not a lot i can appreciate more than irony. it's a real kicker. i like a lot of things. i remember back when i was going thru a hard time because i couldn't find a job, and a friend of mind told me to list 10 things i was thankful for. i'm going to do that now: i'm thankful...
1) for the snow storm today – because i got to go into work 2.5 hours late
2) that because i got to go into work late i did my dishes, and
3) i did 30-minutes on my elliptical before work
4) that i got to hang-out with melissa and rhonda yesterday
5) for my new raised desk
6) for the money my auntie carol sent me for christmas which is almost exactly what i need to buy my new bed
7) that my neighbour shoveled my driveway for me
8) for my kick-ass apartment
9) for the electric scraper my dad gave me last year and i found in my closet. it's heated. it worked ok, although i did burn my fingers on it, but it's kind of neat having no feeling in my index finger and my middle finger
10) that i went to the meeting at next tonight

don’t let the darkness eat you up.

forget-me-nots

well another day has past and i still haven't cleaned my house. instead i watched the entire second season of the office on dvd. it was good times though, and i don't really mind that i spend the day that way. it was relaxing if nothing else. i finished my lime green sox and have started some bright read ones. i'm hoping that i'll finish tidying tomorrow. at least the bathroom, living room and pink room are complete. it's just my room and the kitchen.

this morning as i cooked some pancakes in the kitchen i got eye contact with a man climbing a ladder to my roof. my house is being re-shingled, regardless, it felt strange being peered at in my pjs.

i bought a shirt of my office christmas party next saturday, i was very pleased with myself, it was on sale and i bought a really nice silver cuff for dressy occasions. but when i got the shirt home, it looks awful with my skirt. i think it may actually be a short dress and not a shirt. so i have to return that tomorrow, and they only give store credit. crappy. april is coming with me as my date this year, you know, my friend april who used to work at bbd? when i saw her a few weeks back at marilyn's she was asking about the party and was wonder if she could be someone's date. it should be a fun time. drunk april is very entertaining.

sometimes i'm not sure of my identity. and i wish i was classifiable, categorized, that i would have a "thing".

please don't let me down this time.
i've come a long way to just fold back into line.