aside

i have no idea how an ox and lamb would keep time.

well, i've begun the third season of the office. it feels really good to laugh out loud. i think i was in an extra jovial mood, because i'd worked out on my elliptical and had discovered that peddling backwards minimizes the squeaks. i've sprayed the HECK out of that contraption and it STILL won't stop squeaking. i need someone to stand there as i peddle to tell me where the sound is coming from, because it ALWAYS stops squeaking when i try to crouch down to hear. i wonder if it's TRYING to make me insane. ironically, peddling backwards was also a more intense workout and i think i used thigh muscles i don't usually work.

i'm trying to try new things. after work in the remains for daylight, i was trying to fasten on some replacement windshield wipers. a man named marc came along as i was doing this and began to help me. i initially i wanted him to continue on his way, i have a difficult time accepting help from men – i think that's directly related to the fact that when i was a kid, having to take care of my mom there were no men around to help me, and if i could find a way to manage then, i SHOULD be able to manage now. regardless, in spite of my instincts, i accepted his help and i really appreciated it. i think i'm slowly breaking down the walls i've built up, being vulnerable isn't so bad, when you get used to it. it's like immersing yourself in cold water, it's quite enjoyable when you've gotten used to it.

my baseball bat won't ever be the same. it will aways bear the scars. sometimes we need a reminder of our mistakes, virtual scar tissue to ward off a repeat.

there's a lot that i don't know for certain, but i'm becoming more in tune. more often than i realize, i intuitively know something before it's even stated. that's not to say that i'm never surprised, but i think i'm learning to pick up on vibes and signs, to know when something is significant and decipher what it means. there's an answer for everything and it's only a matter of time.

well maybe now i understand just what it's been that's bugging me.