adjusted

yesterday I went to the chiropractor for the first time ever. I'd never had a reason to go before, but my midwife recommended it. It can reduce the risk of C-section, and I'd really like to avoid a repeat. and since I have coverage through work, I thought I'd give it a go.

it was REALLY interesting. for my initial visit, I didn't get adjusted, but we just talked about my history. this is a chiropractor that specializes in prenatal care, so she was very knowledgeable about birth in Kingston and her clinic was filled with birth related stuff (baby name books, posters for the mother's circle, etc). I mentioned in my intake survey that I've been having lower back aches since September. and when we were chatting, I mentioned that my posture has been an issue for me. I stood up to show her how my butt slopes and before I said anything she said "wow, that's really tucked in there! we can do something about that".

I had to get into a gown and shorts. she mentioned that I needed to put my hair up, but I couldn't find an elastic in my bag and they didn't have a spare one available. so I put my toque on and tucked my hair up inside it. as I waited with my hat, gown, socks pulled up and pink slippers they provided, I thought I looked like an escaped hospital patient.

it was amazing really because when she looked at my back, she said "oh yes, there's a whole lot of posture stuff going on" and pointed out how my lower back was really compressed. she asked "do you have bad menstrual cramps?" I told her yes, and that my labour pains started in my back. She said "ah, that's probably why they thought your baby was posterior". how neat! it's all connected. it turns out that my right leg is shorter than my left leg, and it's actually slightly smaller (my calf muscles are more narrow). it turns out that my sister and dad also see a chiropractor because one leg is shorter than the other. so maybe it's genetic!

I'm looking forward to my first adjustment next week. I'm excited about getting help with my posture. it's also good to be reminded and motivated to correct it. once I bought this back support thing for my computer chair at work and still use it. our chairs are supposedly high-end ergonomic chairs, but I got this back support thing mostly to keep me sitting upright rather than slouching back, which is what I do without it.

I feel like this experience will be worth it, even if she finds my pelvis is fine (which was her initial impression). she also told me, that since I made it all the way to 10 cm and pushed for 4 hours last time, that this time, when I reach 10 cm, I'm going to feel a lot of trepidation and fear. she encouraged me to share those fears with my midwives and to face them. that's interesting insight, and a good possibility. I've kind of expected that to feel trepidation before that. I'm worried that there will be factors stopping me from reaching 10 cm. but when I finally get there, i'll feel like "ok... let's do this thing!". I've been told by many folks present (and even nancy who wasn't there, but heard nurses talking about me afterwards) that I'm a good pusher. and if I can do it based on instinct rather than from will-power (because of my interventions), I think i'll push even harder. so we'll see.

sever

on my drive home from work today, in my manual car, i suddenly remembered a dream i had last night that my feet were amputated. it was the weirdest timing, since i was using my feet a lot to drive – brake, clutch, gas. after i remembered i felt keenly aware of my feet. it was interesting, because in the dream i remember thinking about how they were there, and then after the surgery they were gone. i have no idea why they were amputated. that didn't seem to be part of it.

i'll have to look up what that means.

tunes

I've been complaining to Brendan lately that there's nothing good on the radio these days. cbc radio sonica, which I usually love, has been playing a stream of songs that don't interest me at all. they all blend together as the same bland song. except for one. I really like the new jim Bryson song, so when that comes on I perk up. however, I think I've concluded this is a good thing. when I was pregnant, I listened to 'of monsters and men' a lot in my first trimester, and ever since, whenever I hear them, I feel nauseous. so at least no good music has been ruined for me this time. but it would really nice to listen to a bunch of good songs.

funnily enough, when I drove home during a white-out a few weeks ago, the radio was playing hit after hit. that was the best part of that drive home. it made it manageable. music goes a long way with making me feel invigorated. I need that right now.

sweetest

brendan is pretty good at responding when I'm gagging and about to throw up. unfortunately, he learned the hard way that I will barf all over the floor if I don't have a bucket. usually a glass of water really helps my barf-impulse to pass, and he will bring me one when I need it. a few weeks ago, I threw up because I changed eamon's poopy diaper while Brendan was out (since them I have to cover my face with a shirt). eamon followed me to the washroom, and stood behind me as I heaved into the toilet saying "water, momma? water?" I thought that was very sweet, but said "it's ok, buddy, it's ok". once I was done and started to get my bearings again, I found that he'd brought me my cup of tea from the kitchen table and left it on the bathroom sink.

quotes

I barfed up all my breakfast before I left for work this morning. so I had a second breakfast when I arrived. I'm looking forward to this being behind me. I'm sure Brendan is too :p

I've been busy landlording lately - planning renos and arranging service calls. I really enjoy it. I think it's because there's a creative element to figuring out such things, as well as a challenge to working out logistics, etc. it helps that we have good tenants, and the funds to do such upgrades. that's one advantage to not getting laid off.

up and running

well, after nearly three months... I FINALLY got my design software reinstalled on my computer. it has been a HUGE pain. this is the kind of thing I would have a nightmare about - being made to work even though my employer wipes my computer and neglects to keep my work tools. argh!

I'm just glad that it's resolved.

one of the most annoying things about it, is that no one said "we're so sorry. obviously we made a mistake". an apology and empathy goes a long way to making me feel better. I'm surprised at the number of people who don't offer that olive branch. I know it doesn't fix anything, but it's comforting and re-instills trust.

beginning and ending

well... i'm happy to say that my weeks of sickness and exhaustion is the result of a little bouncing baby. we had an ultrasound this morning, which confirmed my positive pregnancy test. the baby is 6 cm big, and appears to be perfectly formed :) at one point, with the 4D view, it looked like the baby was dancing! it was very neat, and it got a little tear-eyed. partly from joy, and partly from relief. seeing that little baby made all my nausea and barfing worth it.

so now all I need is to find out if I'm getting laid off or not. if i do, that's fine. I'd get a severance package up until the start of my mat leave. and I'd really enjoy spending my time parenting and volunteering. but that might not happen. so if not, hopefully they'd slot me into a spot that i like for the next 6 months.

february feeling

lately i feel like i've lost a bit of my sense of self. by the time evening comes, i'm not sure what to do with myself. it's like i've forgotten what i used to do with my spare time. i've been so sick and so tired lately, that i've been going to be really early since the beginning of january. that's my new normal. it's just weird to me because when i find myself with free time, i feel at loose ends, and i just stand around wondering what to do with myself. that sort of thing has only happened to me after big life changes. so it's odd that i'm experiencing it now. i suspect that winter is part of it. i feel cooped up indoors a lot, and have little energy or ability to try anything different. even my latest crochet project has been a bit of a flop. geez, as i see this in writing, it seems like i'm depressed, but i'm not.

weather weather

well, that was a harrowing drive into work this morning. after friday's drive home in a white out, I thought the drive in today would be easy. it wasn't. I don't really know why I put myself through that white-knuckling drive. I'm glad we have snow tires though. but I miss our 4-wheel drive that we had in the crv. but I stayed on the road, which is more than others can say.

things are still up in the air. I should hear in the next week or two if I have a job or not. it's hard to stay engaged in the meantime.

pitas

my dad babysat for me last night so I could go to the ash wednesday service at next. it's been long in coming, but he and eamon are really starting to bond. it's really lovely to see eamon laugh and squeal and run around in excitement when he sees granddad arrive out front. it's lovely seeing them read together, watch youtube videos of fleetwood mac and the eagels, and hug good night.

i remember when joelle was a little toddler, she couldn't say "granddad" and it just came out as "dad!". eamon does that too.

it's really nice for both of them to connect, and in turn it's nice for me to see.

it's a waiting game

after an announcement yesterday, i'm currently waiting to find out if i'm getting laid off as a result of restructuring.

i'll keep you posted...

(i'm not worried either way, whatever will be will be)

henna patterns

i'm generally pretty reluctant to jump on bandwagons with trends. i dunno. i think it comes down to checking my motives, and if it's just because i feel pulled to join the crowd then i try to steer clear. but yesterday, i bought myself an adult colouring book. it felt like a funny thing to buy myself, which is why it took so long for me to do it. BUT not only did i enjoy colouring as a kid, i basically coloured my way through college with draft layouts, etc. so this hobby actually fits with me as an individual pretty well.

in college, we were given a list of supplies that we would need to get at wallacks. it included this expensive box of pencil crayons. after a semester or two, it became clear that they were crappy penceil crayons, they would break really easily and the colour of the lead did not match the colour of paint on the outside. so i got a less expensive set, which served me much better. unfortunately, i can't find my cheap set, and have been stuck with the expensive ones that are less good.

i'm finding it a bit annoying that once i colour a shape, i can't change it to another colour if i don't like how it looks. in illustrator, i can change the colour an endless amount of time. so i'm going to have to think it through a bit more thoroughly than i did initially.

stuff I'm objectively good at

I had my yearly evaluation the other day. it went very well. I must say, that despite how I feel or what i'm experiencing in life at any given time, I know that I'm good at my job. and I like that. I like having things that I know I can depend on doing well.

I have a few guarantees...

1) i'm good at tracing stuff in adobe illustrator

2) in super mario bros 3, i'm good at stomping on the koopa in the castle

these are the things I can do well, confidently with peace of mind. they might not be the most practical (well, the illustrator thing is a good skill for a graphic designer, but it doesn't give me much cred outside that sphere). pretty much everything else I do, i have to hope for the best. generally, life is a crap shoot for me. i know this, and I'm pretty well adjusted about it.

BUT consistently exceeding expectations as an employee is good. it's nice to have that to depend on.

early night

last night, brendan and i went to bed at around 8:45. we got in from an evening at b's mom's place, put eamon to bed, collapsed on our bed, then decided to just given in to sleep. i woke up well rested, but i also woke several times in the night. apparently my body thought it was just a nap. early nights have definitely been part of my winter this year.

artificial ice

despite the unseasonably warm weather yesterday, we three lorimers went skating yesterday. both eamon and I got skates for Christmas and we were keen to try them out. brendan doesn't currently have skates, but that worked out fine, because he was able to support eamon as they circled the rink.

its been a while since I went skating. the last time was 5 years ago, then before, that it was 5 years ago, and then before that... I was probably a teenagers. I definitely found that ice skating is not like riding a bike. it doesn't come back as naturally, and makes one feel rather vulnerable. my ankles really hurt! I've concluded that either I'm extremely rusty, or I was never as good a skater as I thought I was. I think it's just that I'm rusty. it's not that I was a great skater, but I was a comfortable skater. when I was growing up, our backyard would flood and freeze naturally and we'd be out there skating all the time. it was really fun. I like the idea of a backyard skating rink, but I prefer it to happen naturally with no effort on my part :p

eamon seemed to enjoy himself. at this point, I wouldn't say he's a natural, but it's probably too early to determine that sort of thing. he was the littlest skater there. I was glad when the Zamboni came and did its thing, since eamon's never seen one of those in real life, yet there are a few in his "current" (he's on his second) hockey book from the library. he was a little frightened by it - he doesn't like loud, aggressive things, and zambonies can have an intimidating presence for a 2.5 year old.