ovaltine

i've been doing a lot of listening to more experienced married folks lately. not intentionally to seek advise, but thru general discussion about life i'm learning things.

the thing that's striking me the most is that in a marriage partnership (or any kind of partnership of that nature), there's a lot of play on strengths. this has been a little hard for me to get my head around. having been going it solo for many years, plus living alone, and observing being raised by a single parent, i came to function fully. i either learned to do something myself, or learned to manage with my best efforts. it was draining and tedious, but i had to endure. i would tell myself "i have to be able to do (such and such) because i have to be able to take care of myself". but i'm starting to realize that that's a little more like "fending for myself" than i realized, and there's no room for that in a partnership. each partner can't just fend for his or her self. i suppose that as i entered co-habitating with brendan i came at it from the approach of us both being 100% capable of everything. but... it doesn't work like that. while i do think we should cross-train (make sure we both know how to do important things), it's not necessary for us both to do everything well in order to have an equal partnership. this is probably more obvious to those who are accustomed to the tune of partnership, but it's a bit of a revelation to me.

b and i still have a lot of learning to do in identifying each others strengths. we're still working out our dynamics and are a while off from the dust settling into a consistant norm.

after we missed storytellers last week, rach filled me in on the writing topic. one of the activities was writing about the first time you felt like an adult. it took me a few days before i came to a conclusion, i think that's because i was 7 or 8 years old. when i was little my mom worked at an office downtown. there was one particular P.A. day when joy and i took the city bus down town in the late morning, and she met us at the bus stop. i think that was the first time i felt like an adult... taking the city bus with my sister. transportation has always been the key to me feeling grown-up and independant. the next thing was taking the bus downtown as a preteen on saturdays. then getting my licence and getting to drive alone. i bought my first car at 19. freedom and transit are one in the same to me. it was the legs that gave me movement, and that mobility gave me choices and options. when i told brendan that i pin-pointed my first adult experience down to a bus ride when i was seven, he said "ah yes. the famous bus ride with joy to bethel". clearly it made an impression on me and i've expressed it once or twice.

i don't like it when people talk to me when i have my snack. i like to relish it without distraction.

 

tea in the sahara with you.

clear

it's official.

my name is lesley meredith lorimer.

my birth certificate arrived in the mail today, along with my change of name certificate. it's very exciting. the change of name certificate is really big and it's purple!

i'm really happy because mcknight still appears on my birth cerficiate. it shows as "nee mcknight" underneath my new name. i didn't have to go the route of getting a new birth certificate, but i figure i'll be a lorimer for longer than i was a mcknight so i wanted to dive in, and go all the way. even so, i'm happy to have not cut ties with it officially, but instead put it on the back burner or the bottom shelf.

now i can proceed with replacing all my cards, and getting my new passport, and updating my bills, and adding brendan to my credit card as a card holder (i could've done that before, but it was easier to just wait and do it all at once).

hooray! i'm excited. i feel like we've just deepened once again to a new depth of commitment. or at least like our connection is even more official. or something.

you know my name, look up the number.

rucksack

my sermon went pretty well. i felt my verbal delivery was better than last time, and definitely better than any of my practise run-throughs.

i was alarmed at how quickly it was finished. when i reached my last page i felt a wave of worry, but brendan said i went for a normal amount of time. i also worried that i read too much from the bible, but the way i see it, why should i paraphrase the bible when i can just read it and it speaks for itself. i weaved together the christmas story from the beginning of the bible to the end. it was the first week of advent so my topic was hope. i talked about how christmas is more than just a birthday, but it was the fulfillment of an ancient promise and the beginning of something significant. in looking closely at christmas and digging in it's purpose and significance i feel a new enthusiasm for christmas that i've never felt before. it SHOULD be posted on the next church website at some point, but it looks like last week's didn't get posted so perhaps this week's won't either. so if you're interested i can send you my written sermon to read. it's not very long.

we met up with my family at wendy's for lunch, then b and i went down to the KRC for a hockey game. i got free tickets from being on the united way committee. it was fun. they lost terribly. 7 to 1 and only scored their goal in the last 4 minutes. it's always amusing to see brendan really into sports. i spent the time knitting and got a lot done. i was pleased with that. unfortunately it meant i missed a lot of the crucial moments because i was looking down. i saw a number of my fellow committee members from work there too. i'm pretty sure they already thought i was weird but seeing me knit at a hockey game probably just confirmed their suspicions. i'm perfectly ok with that.

does anyone (who lives near by) have a glue gun we can borrow? we're making gifts this year with b's side of the family and we need a hot glue gun. going out to buy one would defeat the purpose of saving money by making gifts.

 

together we can see what we can find.

never

i'm preaching again tomorrow, and i'm feeling kind of stressed.

the writing part is no problem, i'm pretty comfortable and good at that.

the researching and forming ideas i enjoy, it's a great challenge.

speaking in front of a group of people again not a problem.

but the combination of speaking what i've written poses a big problem. i'm not as articulate in my spoken self as i am in my written self. i feel frustrated that i'm not able to convey my thoughts as well as i wrote them. i'm really disappointing.

i tried reading my sermon over and over out loud today. i almost started saying it louder as i read in hopes of it re-entering my ears and really taking root in my noggin.

i'm trying to relax and to just trust that everything will go fine. if i don't hold fast to my verbiage it will probably go better. i'm not a perfectionist, but i know i can do better than stumble my way thru. i'll let you know how it goes :S

it seems that in my two most commonly worn pair of pants, i've developed holes in my upper thigh region. i'm not sure what to do. i know i need to replace them, but there's not point until i loose weight. so as a result i've been wearing skirts over my pants more often than usual.

speaking of my pants. they are feeling rather tight. actually, a lot of things are. i feel frustrated. especially after i'd felt like i was starting to loose weight. really annoying. i must be pmsing – hopefully. i really want to make that 10 pound goal.

God is not a man sitting on a cloud.

pop

i shaved my legs with my eyes closed this morning. the shampoo was running into my eyes.

i shave my legs every 4 days all year round. no exceptions. i love having my legs shaved. arm pits too. i shave those even more frequently. when i was a teenager i was very different i let my armpit hair grown freely, it didn't bother me. however, it became a hinderance in keeping my body clean, so i kept it shorter. but short armpit hair is prickly like a man's face. so now i just keep them shaved all the time. it's my preference. i'm not bothered by my long-haired armpitted friends. that's their preference. i'm not political about armpit hair, no more than i am about the length of fingernails. sometimes i feel shocked when i see it on other people, but not because i'm offended, i've simply i forget that armpits are not actually bald. legs are a slightly different matter. i love the silkiness of my calves when shorn. if something comes up that hinders me from shaving my legs the hair slowly starts to bother me. i can feel it getting caught in my socks or pant legs. it grates on me like nails on a chalkboard. one time i was chatting with beckie online and said "i have to go. i need to shave my legs". nothing could have been more important to me than getting that attended to.

i've been thinking about sense of humour. humour is broad, and there's a sliding scale. some people enjoy other people's humour, but don't really express it. some people laugh really easily and thoroughly enjoy other people's humour, but aren't particularly funny themselves. then there are those who are funny and laugh long. and then there are those who are so funny that they can deliver with a straight face. i had a former colleague who laughed the most at her own jokes. that was always kind of awkward to sit thru :S

as i considered humour i thought of the funny people i know, and everyone is different. brendan's humour is dry and sutble - it actually goes unnoticed to most people until they get to know him and start to recognize his quiet side remarks. shannon has weird and random humour. cas, her humour is dry and witty with some sarcasm thrown in the mix. matt is kind of silly. melody's humour is sarcastic and observant. david... he's another story; he exaggerates and delights in awkwardness. tim lyon's humour is honest, he's funny because the things he says are true. ben and megan's humour are very similar in the sense that they can both say funny things with a straight face and they're very quick. however, ben then surpasses meg with his ability to describe things in the most creative ways. he has a way with words for sure. bren makes me laugh because she's very astute, and mike... his humour is kind of self-depricating. anyways... i'm sure that at this point you're starting to get my point. that there's lots of different ways faces of funny. i can't quite pin down my sense of humour. i'm not a joke teller, nor am i sarcastic or random. i'm sure there's lots of different kinds of funny that i haven't identified yet. i guess i fall into one of those categories.

i won't be blown by every breeze.

integrity

does anyone else feel like the christmas season is on us with avengence? i'm starting to feel that it's hard to juggle different events and gatherings. it's ok though, i'm not overwhelmed. i'm just noticing is all.

i'm making some serious progress at the gym. i'm feeling good and all my hard work is starting to become apparent. i didn't think counting calories would be something i'd really be "into" but i'm getting the hang of that and i'm recording them every day. it helps me be mindful of the things i consume. i see calories similarly to money. it helps to know how much i have to spend, and then work within it. just like how i can buy things and not feel guilty because i've budgeted for it, i can now eat guilty-free knowing i'm staying within my target zone. in fact, sometimes i have to be intentional to make sure i'm eating enough! it's neat! and i'm having fun kicking my own ass down to size. it takes a bit more intentionality and forward thinking. for example, for my upcoming work christmas party... i know that meal will be a big one. 4 courses, steak dinner, wine. SO to compensate for that i'll do a good workout in the day time, and have smaller breakfast and lunch. then when i have my 1000 calorie dinner it won't push me over the edge. hooray!

i'm really enjoying the red tent. after the last book that i read that i hated... i decided that i should read the first page before selecting a book. that way i'll be able to determine whether or not i like the writing style. last night instead of going to storytellers, b and i stayed home to read. i like that as we read to ourselves we'd both stop from time to time and tell each other about our books. then when i grew tired i got into bed to knit while listening to my booktape. it was overdue at the library so i just copied the contents onto my computer. i don't think that's stealing, because i didn't buy it to begin with. right? besides, after i'm done i'll just pitch it. it's not the best book tape, but it's not bad either. i figure some books are for reading, and other books are for listening.

i'm kind of a sucker for nice book covers. that's not to say i judge a book by it's cover, but if i get to pick between two different cover arts for the same book, i go for the lovely one. i read animal farm in high school (hated it at the time, but now i realize it was supposed to frustrate me), but i saw a new edition in indigo the other day and couldn't help but paw it's paper cover and drool a little bit. it was very visually appealing.

 

the daylight feels like it's a long way off.

 

 

sandstone

brendan and i booked our next trip!! we're going to ireland! we're flying to dublin by way of JFK from syracuse. we're going at the end of march for 10 days, so we'll arrive back in april. yay! we're both pretty excited about it. we got a good price on our tickets, and the exchange rate for the euro and the pound sterling is very good right now. we'll stay at hostels and backpack it around the island. it'll be pretty jammed packed because we're going to only spend a few days in about 4 or 5 different places. hopefully we'll get to see rachel & eric (et kids) while we're there, maybe we can crash on their couch in exchange for free babysitting! (rachel, i need your email address!)

both our dads families are from ireland, and specifically northern ireland. we're looking forward to visiting the town where both our families are from (ballymena). we'll have to be on the look-out for lorimers and mcknights :)

i can't wait to get our lonely planet and start planning! b had a friend from ireland (also named brendan) and he's gonna give us the downlow and a bit of an itinerary.

my mom keeps saying "aren't you going to go and visit our family while you're over there?". i admit, it feels funny to be in that neck of the woods and not be visiting aunts and uncle and cousins, but they're on a completely different island. i'd definitely make it a priority to visit them if we were in great britian. but i may get to go there with work in the next year so i'll visit then.

so the count-down for another trip has begun :)

 

where I grew up there weren't many trees,
where there was we'd tear them down
and use them on our enemies.

apiaries

i forgot my lunch this morning. that always makes me feel roughly 7 years old. i hate it when that happens. thankfully i did have some canned soup in the drawer so i didn't starve, but it wasn't very good either. regardless, i appreciated it because it meant i was able to stay in and read over lunch instead of wasting it by driving to amherstview. i've started a new book, and i'm really digging it. i went to indigo with the strict purpose of browsing til something caught my eye. but for some reason the moment i entered the store "the red tent" popped into my head and i selected it immediately. i'm not too disappointed because i'm really enjoying it, but i like browsing.

the weekend was the perfect amount of full and not busy:
shannon and i watched the santa claus parade thru her bedroom window on above grecos. we drank beer and gave each float a letter grade. the average was a C-. shanno said the float in the soo is better. that did not surprise me. ktown's parade is more like a marching advertisement. b picked me up when it was over and drove me back home by way of the hill on ordinance. it was the first hill he'd started on in the mojomobile, and it boded well for him. i think it increased his standard driving confidence 3 fold. then late late later that night we saw the final movie of the millennium trilogy at the screening room. woooo. it was great. it was a weekend of great movies because yesterday afternoon we saw harry potter 7 part 1. it was good. i really liked it. it was a highly enjoyable weekend. my only regret is that i stayed up reading too late and i felt a bit ill waking up this morning.

i'm preaching again next sunday. i started writing it on saturday, but am only about a quarter of the way in. i'm enjoying it. preaching stretches me in good ways. it forces me to really spend time contemplating things and to seek to understand enough to explain it. i've heard that teachers learn from what they teach. i wouldn't be surprised if i learn more thru the experience than anyone else does, although i do strive to present relevant and educational things.

i was amazed how husky your singing voice was.

detour

it dawned on me last night have it's been quite some time since i intentionally did something i'd never done before. the last year has been full of firsts, so i haven't had to make a conscious effort. but during this month of november nothing has naturally come up. hopefully i'll get to go to zumba next week with shanno, and then i'll be back on track. although, i did go on my first road trip with bren (if you exclude the two we've been on to peterborough: one with al, one with hatchers) to see ani difranco :D that feels so long ago now that it feels like last month!

i'm listening to u2 today. i don't really have any new music at the mo. i've finished listening to my latest new stuff. so i'm going thru the cds i have in my desk. monday-tuesday was sarah harmer. wednesday-thursday was radiohead. and today just felt like a u2 kind of day. a great line caught my ear, and has sent me into a tizzy of poetry and romanticism. "are you still growing wild, with everything tame around you?". oh man, i'd love to inhale those words. i suppose my answer would be "i dunno, i hope i am". i do hope that. for always. a lot has calmed down in my life in recent years. my family is mended and not broken. my job is peaceful and inspiring instead of frustrating and spirit-killing. my love-life is blooming instead of crushing. my friendships are rich and meaningful not tortured and burdensome. and my faith... well it's always new and revealing. it's fair to say that life is somewhat tame for the first time in my life. i don't feel too busy, or like i don't have breathing space. i think that's a good thing. ani has a new song on that says something like "if you're not getting happier as you get older than you're screwing it up". i can concure with that. so i suppose the question is... am i still growing wild? can one be both tame and wild at the same time? hmmm... i think so. like wild strawberries for example :)

i feel peaceful. really truly peaceful. i'd like to listen and hear more.

today i slapped my own ass spontaneously, without thinking about it. then i realized my colleague was standing behind me and i felt stupid :S it was an accident. an accidental on purpose.

bren is leaving on a jet plane today. she's flying all the way to ethiopia. i'm so glad for her. it makes my heart swell because i know how much she's been longing to reconnect with the developing world. she's felt disengaged from what has been her life's work. i'll miss her, but i know it's good for her soul, and besides, she'll be home soon.

 

i won't be blown by every breeze.

dobro

i finished the crappest book at lunch today. man, i hated it. all the way along. but i'm not a quiter when it comes to books. i don't like the feeling of being defeated by a novel. i feel a great sense of satisfaction that i completed that terrible book. i kicked it's ass. you are not the boss of me book! you can't bore me into submission. i bought you, and now i've owned you too! if i could tell a book "screw you" that would be the book i'd say it to.

 

it's a steady job,

but he wants to be a paperback writer.

just

yesterday at goodlife one of the trainers approached me. being introverted i didn't particularly like being engaged in conversation. i politely listened to what she was saying and was surprised to discover i was actually interested. she gave me a card where i'm supposed to mark down which days i'm commited to working out on a provided calendar from now until january 5. i'm supposed to circle those days. whenever i work out i'm supposed to put an X on that date. they want to see that i'm committed, although if i don't make it to those days exactly but have the same number of Xs as circles then my card gets put into a raffle for 6 personal training sessions with her. also she wanted me to set a goal for jan 5, and if i reach that goal that also puts me into the raffle. she said "now... you want to set a realistic goal so that you can qualify". she took me into the consulting room where she weighed me a put me on a machine that calculated my body fat %. obviously it's greater than it should be, but that's why i'm working out! :D based on that she marked down 10 pounds by january 5. when i got home i counted how many weeks there are from now to jan 5. seven weeks. which means i have to lose 1.4 pounds a week. i got a little nervous that that was too ambitious of a goal, but deidre said "make a realistic goal" and then suggested 10 pounds, so it MUST be doable. i'm gong to trust her, because she knows more about these things than me. the timing is kind of ironic. christmas is a known challenging time for folks watching there weight. part of me is annoyed that i'm going to have to be so diligent and mindful during the second half of december. BUT it's probably for the best. it feels good being accountable, even if i don't win and even if i don't ever really talk to deidre again, i still like having short term goal to work towards. i'm on the right track. i've lost 4 pounds since i weighed myself last, two weeks ago. although, that was when i was pmsing and that's always my most heavy week of the month, but i don't want to sell myself short. i'm doing more cardio and a bit less weights (i think that was part of why my weight went up), i'm eating better, and drinking more water. 10 pounds by jan 5... I CAN DO IT!

there's a flu shot clinic at work today. i like that they do that. anything to limit my number of errands. i HATE errands. i feel pretty comfortable getting needles because i used to get allergy shots. although, sometimes flu shots hurt more than allergy shots because they're given in a different part of the arm. to my surprise my food pollen allergies are bothering me more than usual. so i'm going to try the local honey thing. i can put it in my tea and in baking and see if it makes a difference. it's so sweet that it's kind of the opposite of cutting down on sugar, i'd rather do that then medicate myself.

 

everywhere we go, we're gonna be on the same road.

centennial

guess who passed his driving test last night!?!?!?!
BRENDAN!

at 4:00 yesterday afternoon, my dad picked up b and they went to the drive test place. it was dusk by the time he did his test (when he booked it months ago, it didn't occur to us that the sun would have set by 4:40), but he drove around for 15 minutes, parked on a hill, parallel parked, and dazzled the evaluator. the only slipped up once - did a rolling stop (which both my dad and i have been on his case about). but the guy didn't hold it against him because he aced the rest of it. he did great. i was so proud :)

i'm super grateful that my dad took the time to teach b how to drive. my dad's a good teacher. i knew it would bode well. it was also a great chance for b and my dad to get to know each other better. b really likes my dad, he's highly entertaining because he's so quirky and doesn't take himself too seriously. my dad has pretty much no inhibitions.

the three of us went to wendy's afterwards for a celebratory burger. we figured if he failed it would be a good consolation prize, but it was much more enjoyable that he passed. now he's just got to get more comfortable with driving stick and he'll be able to go out on his own :)

i'm really happy. i feel like brendan's really blooming.

 

*inhale* ah, i can smell the freedom :)

baby, you can drive my car.

pitch

we got an anonymous postcard in the mail yesterday.
it had a picture of nick cage dressed as the virgin mary.
crying.

and on the back it said "we're no longer virgins".
i have a feeling it was not sent from maui.

there it was, tucked in the seams.

interpretation

i accidentally infected brendan's computer with a virus last night :(

he was pretty upset because he's already battled 2 infections in the recent past and it was very debiltating. i was just using knitting websites, i wouldn't have thought they were danger zones. i've never had that problem before because my computer is a mac and my other computer is a highly protected work computer with firewalls and the like. i feel terrible.

well... my mom is ok. she broke her right wrist, they had to reset it twice. i honestly didn't think she'd manage that process, but they gave her some narcotics and she got thru it. the whole thing is very bizarre. she didn't think it was serious when it happened on sunday, so she went to bed, got up in the morning, had a shower, then drove to the hospital. can you imagine washing your hair or driving with a broken wrist!?!?! i don't really know how she did it. she feels kind of silly about the whole thing. they monitored her heart, but that was just the result of stress. i worry about my mom. she's super lonely and i'm sure being injured by herself was scary and unsettling. she and i don't really work the same way. i wish she'd be able to dream outside of her tunnel vision. it sometimes takes some creativity, but life can be awesome when you don't just sit and wait for something to come along and solve your problems. i'd like to see her make a move, and change something about her life. that's my prayer for her.

they've been moving the cubicles around at work. mine is staying put, but the space around me is changing. yesterday they moved a bunch of cabinets and i was showered with all sorts of natural light that i didn't know i was missing out on! and i can see the wall clock, which is great.

i'm really surprised because i'm feeling excited about christmas. i'm mostly looking forward to the time off and the time with family. but besides that, i think it helps that i'm thinking outside of my typical christmas box, and that excites me for some reason.

oh my goodness... my birthday is in one month tomorrow :S

 

shone between two shores.

fracture

argh! well, i found b.

it's a good thing i'm so frickin resourceful. i couldn't completely rule out the possibility that he was with robb. but i didn't know robb's mom's last name in order to look up her phone number. so i looked up melissa's address up on canada 411, because i knew that robb lived a block up from her. then, using google street view i found his house and zoomed in to see the address. then i used reverse 411, found someone with the last name mack. that didn't sound familiar but i thought the least i could do would be call and ask for robb and be told i had the wrong number. i called, robb answered. i tried to politely make small talk (welcoming him back to the country) before asking if he'd talked to brendan. "i have," he said "he's right here". *exhale*

phew! ones less thing to worry about. he's going to go to the hospital to check on my mom at some point this afternoon. she's probably still getting settled in at KGH after her patient transfer.

i did get a call from my dad saying he'd been to our house, said hello to the kitties, and that brendan wasn't there. thankfully by then i found him.

what a weird day.

i wouldn't come up for air.

cancel

i've been having a crazy day.

i got a call from hotel dieu saying my mom had a fall at home and was admitted into the hospital with a broken arm and heart problems.

when i got off the phone from then i tried calling brendan to let him know but couldn't get a hold of him. i've called many times since, he's MIA. i called his mom and she noted that he hasn't been on facebook, i noticed that he hasn't been on his computer because he didn't visit pspd and he usually does upon getting up. i called my sister, next, my dad. sent b an email. i checked out online banking to see if he's been out and about, but no transactions have been made. i've now asked my dad to go to my house to make sure that brendan is ok. i have visions of him slipping in the shower. this is really unlike him. i feel frustrated and concerned. i don't need him disappearing when i have my mom in the hospital with a gash in her head.

man i feel stressed. annoyed. and worried.

i'm just gonna sit tight til i hear from my dad. the only other thing i can think of is perhaps he's gone out with robb who just arrived home from india. but that's unlikely because i called so soon after he got up this morning (i woke him up by calling), there wouldn't have been time for him to shower and leave before i called about my mom.

bah! i feel very preoccupied by this.

i wouldn't stop for red lights.

hill

at lunch today liam points at brendan and says "uncle brendan". then he turns to tim when referring to me and says "what's that girl's name?". nice to see that my own flesh and blood doesn't recognize me :p when we told him he looked really sheepish, i think he knew it as soon as he heard it, but my name had slipped his mind. it was pretty cute and funny. that liam is a character. we should've told him that i was uncle brendan's wife.

i had a glass of wine when i got home from living room and i feel kind of tipsy :S i think i'm gonna pass out.

brendan is learning to drive, drive, drive stick. today he kept stalling. 5 times in a row. turns out he was hitting the brake instead of the gas. ahahah. it was funny. we had a good laugh.

God is not a man
God is not a white man

eyebrow

i spent six years inside a glass box. i lived like a pantomime in the world unseen. eventually i came to accept my state of being. learning that no one was going to come and save me from the prison of her. and so i planned my escape. in my planning i told all who would listen. my schemes where vast and risky, but they were worth it. it was worth the chance of being lost in the great unknown, unprotected by my glass box. but before my escape took place, before i had the chance to take a chance the glass box was lifted. she was gone, and a new her has appeared in her place be low me as the ground to stand on. instead of saying "do this" or "you can't do that" she whispers "which way do you want to go?" in my new freedom i don't know. but i breathe deep and smile to myself, knowing that for once i am my own rudder.

can't count, can't catch the pieces falling.

chez

shannon and i went to the casino tonight to celebrate the two year anniversary of my tattoo. it was on november 6, 2008 that little shanno and i went into the tattoo parlor where my black start got licked on by kittens. i like that we have this gambling tradition. i hope we go on or around it's anniversary every year for the rest of our lives.

tonight shanno made a killing. she won 57 dollars! the most i won was 74¢ and i quickly lost it again. thankfully i only spent 10 dollars. we enjoyed the free beverages and the bizarre atmosphere that makes up that crazy social experiment. for some reason my was directionally challenged on the way there and i kept taking wrong turns. i was afraid we'd run out of gas before we got there :S

the funny thing to me was that both shannon and i entered using our former identities. our IDs showed our maiden names, so we both were admitted under false pretenses. it was kind of amusing. how often do you get that opportunity :p

so my little black star is now 2 years old. over the years i've seen one person in real life with the EXACT same tattoo as me (but i didn't approach her about it because it was in cuba and she didn't appear to speak english), and was sent a photo by jill of another person who has the same tattoo as me. bizarre. when i got my black star on my inner wrist it never occurred to me that anyone would come up with the same idea as me. weird. regardless, i still like it. it's part of me. i'm glad it's here to stay.

i don't care how fast you run
just tell me baby that when you're done with your little marathon
that you still have cab fare home.

messy

emma is in town this week from the uk. which means i'm not accessing my email at work these days.

i knit my dad a toque and gave it to him yesterday. it was too big and he laughed at it. he's not very good at accepting gifts, but i didn't think he'd be anything other than proud to accept a knitted hat. i'm kind of sad about it. plus, brendan's isn't warm enough, or long enough or something. he says it's his favourite thing ever, but i'm disappointed that i didn't truly succeed.

the time change is pretty awesome. it's like a reset button has been pushed and i'm so pumped. how wonderful. daylights saving time is good after all.

i'm feeling good physically. i think the exercise is starting to work. i'm being careful to not over-eat and i'm doing more cardio. i felt less folded over when sitting today, and my pants didn't feel tight EVEN THOUGH i just washed them! hooray!

i'm thinking about adding some colour to my hair. now that i have bangs. i don't really know how to do it. i was inspired by this photo of ani. i figure i'd need to take out some of my brown first. any suggestions? i don't want it to be all of bangs, just the tips and i want it to be gradual. advise would be appreciated.

oh, speaking of hair... i figured the whole poofy hair business. i was using TOO MUCH conditioner. yesterday i just used the size of a quarter and it turned out exactly the way i wanted :D

the gravity of duties
or the ground speed of joy?

righteous

ok, so the ani concert. i felt that deserved it's own entry.

bren and i did very well for time. we arrived at 7:30 (the doors opened at 7). we got pretty good seats, fourth row... way over by the wall, but that was ok with me.

the crowd was really interesting. it was full of great people watching potential but the view would've been better from a balcony so we didn't get to observe much. the hall was filled with 90% women, and of those, i would guess at least 50% were lesbian. i couldn't help but think about ani's decision to marry a man after so many years being known as bisexual and sometimes thought of as lesbian herself. i can see why it would feel like a betrayal. being married to a man and having a baby makes her seem really conventional in comparison to her past experiences. she actually sang a song about looking back on the time when she slept with everyone from her now perspective of not doing that. she seems really in love and connected with her partner, it's really charming, enchanting in a way. although she didn't really talk about that part of her life or her baby.

the opener was unknown to me and bren. when she first came out i assumed she was an up and comer, but after a large percentage of people cheered in familiarity i wondered if perhaps she was a queer and as a result known to the queer community. turns out i was right. i quite liked her stuff, she was solid and there was a level of professionalism that is often missing in openers. her name is melissa ferrick if you're interested in checking her out.

ani was great. i remember the feeling of seeing her on stage and it truly hitting me that ani difranco was standing before me in the flesh. i was a little in shock for the first song or two. i love how familiar her voice is, and how i knew it was her from hearing her talk and laugh. i know... i realize she wouldn't send an impostor or something, but it's still neat to be able to recognize her that way. she has this great spunk to her. the way she moves around and lifts her knee in the air when she plays. she seems really comfortable in her own skin, i really admire that. and it makes her very compelling to watch, i was always curious about what she'd do or say next.

she had 6 guitars. after each song and man would come from off stage and give her a new one then walk away again. all her guitars were wireless which really intrigued me. i'd never seen wireless guitars before, but i figured they can make a lot of things wireless, so why not guitars?? each guitar was different, although there was two similar - you could tell them apart because one was more damaged than the other. it seems she doesn't like pick-guards, because none of her guitars had one. she wore picks or something like it on each finger.

there was a whole band with her. they were solid folks. a lot of the songs were new, which was what i expected. ani has written hundreds of songs, and released 35 albums. pretty impressive. bren knew more songs than me, which is understandable because she's been a fan for about 10 years longer than me. i didn't mind, i loved all her songs anyways. i think the whole a lot of insight.

it was a great show. i hope we get another chance to see her, i'd like for b to see her live at some point. he's not very familiar with her music, but i think he'd really appreciate her guitar skills.

we got home around 12:40. in time for me to go to bed and get up sufficient sleep for work the next day. i'll post 2 of my 3 pictures later.

you can doubt anything,
if you think about it long enough.

flying low

on friday frank and i made a frankenlamp. we took two lamps and forged them together. i have to admit when he first suggested that it blew my mind. i'm not very knowledgeable about electrical work and i thought he'd have to take it home and use a sauder gun or something. needless so say, that wasn't necessary. it was fun though. it took over and hour, but it worked out really well. while we worked we just shoot the stuff, it was really nice. it's been a while since we had a chance to chat like that.

yesterday i went to value village and picked up a number of new items. i recently occurred to me that if i want to dress a certain way or feel better about my style (i haven't been keeping my recreational wardrobe up because i mostly wear work clothes) then i should buy some of the clothes i want! so i did, and i'm very pleased about it.

today was the first sunday in many months that we had nothing on the docket except for church and brendan was having a driving lesson with my dad at 3. it's been really relaxing. brendan did well driving. it's been a while, but he warmed up again well. after a stint driving automatic, we took him out in my standard crv. i was worried that brendan would feel inundated by getting instruction from both my dad and me, but he did great. it was really smooth sailing. near then end he started to struggle with first, but all in all we thought he did fantastic. i think he'll catch in very quickly.

after arriving home from that, i didn't really know what to do with myself. i worked a little on thank you cards for our wedding guests, but i quickly got overwhelmed and stressed by that so brendan suggested i put them aside. i've been really putting that off because i find it really stressful, but maybe if i do a few at a time we'll get thru them asap. so anyways, i didn't really know what to do. i never have time to do nothing. so i did some painting. i've been needing to apply a second coat of paint to the birds on our bedroom wall ever since i first did them in august of '09. i was really nice! it's the first time i've painted in ages. i thought it was a good sign that i am feeling good and relaxed :D

we'd just grab a sandwich and put it in our mouths.

shred

on sunday, the sermon at next was about "love does not delight in evil". together we discussed what exactly that mean, examples and such. the first thing that came to my mind was the times that i get excited or giddy about gossip. sometimes it's because someone else's misfortune was amusing, other times i was just delightful to be in the know. i think it's time for me to get a life. being delighted by someone else's misfortune is the kissing cousin of meanness. it's too easy to observe and the criticize. in a way that's similar to delighting in another person's stupidity. it's actually just a lame-ass way to make one feel better about themselves. i've concluded it's time for me to part ways with meanness. i don't want to take part in mockery (unless it's teasing in good fun and the person is involved) or slander. the problem is that i find i'm very easily influenced in this manner. an atmosphere of meanness sticks to me like stink. it's hard to not get swallowed by toxicity, but i really want to be different from who i have been. i want to be more neutral, to see someone completely objectively and recognize their humanness. mocking is just low-brow kicks that i can do without. it will help me to remain more upbeat and healthy. i need to start by holding my tongue and responding differently in situations. sometimes i'll have to edit myself completely. i learned in pre-martial counselling that when you speak nicely about your partner you feel more fondly towards them. i think the same goes the other way around. when i speak harshly i begin to feel that the other person involved in an idiot.

after work i'm hitting the road with bren. we're taking the long dusty road to ottawa to see none other than ani difranco. i'm so happy about that. i feel pretty content because this is something i've been wanting to do for many years. i can't wait :)

when we're parted it's always too long.

recycle

brendan and i have been really into mad men season 2 this week. unfortunately, 2 nights ago brendan accidentally put disc 4 into the dvd player instead of disc 3 so we unwittingly watched the finale before finishing all the episodes. it's ok, it's ok. we're still watching the missed episodes, they make the others make more sense. without giving too much away, i really am enjoying the introduction of the character anna. i love how she knows everything about don. he is known to her - fully. it's kind of sad because betty knows nothing, she's completely in the dark. he is withdrawn from her, there's a barrier and a tension there because she doesn't understand or know him. but how could she? he hasn't let her in. i dunno. i've spent time in my life withholding, and i've spent time just letting it all out. i like being transparent. that being said, i am selective on who i'm transparent with. i kind of feel that the areas of my life that i'm most transparent (social life vs work life) are my most favourite, i'm the most invested in those.

i met up with meg last night for a cup of tea at sipps. i don't really have a lot to say about that other than the fact that i really enjoyed myself. i feel that meg is a safe person, i feel really free to be myself with her. which is pretty amazing considering we've only been family for a short period of time. when i got home brendan asked me "what did you talk about?".... "boys" i coyly told him... "figures" he said.

since i began my new workout regiment, i've gained approximately 3 pounds. i'm not so much discouraged as much as i'm super annoyed. people keep telling me that i'll soon or eventually begin to burn fat. i have to admit, it feels as though my body is confused or speaks a different language. i don't suppose it matters. i bought the membership so i'm going to use it anyways. it just would be nice to fit comfortably in my pants. that being said, i AM developing some serious muscle.

 

things have been really busy round here lately. if you're finding that i haven't been emaily or posty lately, that's why.

 

i don't really know what i was so mad about,
but the full moon is about a week away.

engine - pt 1

washing flour out of one's hair is more difficult than it would seem. and besides that, it makes the scalp really itchy.

so my dear friend melissa is married to one lucky guy. their wedding went well. they were super happy and seemed calm and not overwhelmed. beckie came to town from her new dwelling in quebec city to attend the wedding. it was fun. i'm very glad that she and brendan get along so well. my favourite part of the ceremony was when melissa accidentally said "i will be your faithful husband... i mean wife". that was hilarious and i laughed and laughed. we had about 2 hours between that and the reception so we went to indigo all dressed up to pick up a book i ordered, it was funny seeing brendan waunder around in a suit. the reception was lovely, and i enjoyed seeing and talking with acquaintences i know thru lissa. we didn't stay super late, and left before we got too tired.

the new mister and missus touw are in hawaii now. beckie flew back thru toronto on the same flight as them! so funny!

last night we joined other nexters in collecting food in the neighbourhood for the food drive. it went really well and i'm always amazed by the willingness of residents to help out. it was my first time doing the halloweeen harvest, but i've helped with the spring food blitz 3 or 4 times. we were paired with andrew and shannon, and then afterwards went down to harper's burger bar for a bite to eat.

 

love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
it will set you free.

caboose - pt 2

i slept badly last night. i had some unsettling dreams that left me waking up sore-hearted and depressed. i'm still in recovery mode from that. i hope my moral will improve thru the course of the day. right now i just feel like crawling into a hole and sleeping for a long time. perhaps i'm just tired. i was thinking last night how i'm so tired of being unrested. sundays are anything but a day of rest, and yet i feel that the sentiment is a good one. resting, it's an important preventative measure. i may make monday evenings my time to just loaf. i kind of wish i could bow out of everything, all my activities and later re-add them one by one. last night all those kind people who donated their food were at home. they were all just spending the evening in. it made me long for home. i just want to be these days, and not do. i feel it makes me a bad friend because i'm less available and less assessable, but that's probably just my own expectations of myself. there are too many activities in the world, and it's hard for me to say no to them.

anyways. i'm starting to ramble, and this entry is getting quite long. maybe i'll break it into two.

be more like the woman you were made to be.