xoxo

b and i have no special plans for this evening. so i decided to use my new crockpot and make us a nice dinner. the stew is still stewing, so i thought i'd take advantage of the spare time to write my year end entry. the last entry of the year is always my favourite. i like looking back at what was accomplished and what has occurred. i often make choices simply so i can look back on this day and remember "i did that!". so with no further adieu... my list of "firsts" for 2009:

in january; rach, jill, and shanno spent 6 hours combing my hair into dreadlocks (dreads have been something i've been wanting to do for about a decade, so it was very exciting and i'm thankful to them for their hard work). sent in 2 postcards to post secret.

––

in february; i won the office football pool, submitted a piece of writing to canada writes, went on a roadtrip with al and bren, got my bikini line waxed, went to mexico with cas, matt, david, and josh (swam in the pacific ocean, went ziplining, had a swedish massage, went snorkling).

––

in march; i asked for a leave of absence from work and was refused, registered a web address, went to an epiphany conference at the meeting house, bought my snazzy galoshes, started having my dad over for dinner once a month, practiced lent.

––

in april; i gave internet dating a whirl (it didn't lead to anything, but was an interesting science experiment), melody came to visit, i got my mouth guard, went to a wine tasting party with al, shari, and melissa, S&R closed (first time we've known the world without S&R).

––

in may; i went to the potter's guild sale with bren, went to ottawa with rach for a piece of leather, went to syracuse with shanno to see the post secret exhibition, went to GO! in toronto with melissa (and stayed over night at her parents place), was interviewed on the CBC by brent bambury, read the twilight saga.

––

in june; i took the 7 habits for highly effective people course thru work, tuned up my bicycle all by myself, joined the united way committee at work, got rained out at skeleton park music festival.

––

in july; i visited david in montreal for canada day (we went to the blind restaurant, among other cool places), went to beckie's cottage and met her family, preached my first sermon, went to a bingo hall with mayelin, went to peru with jill (ate a guinea pig, walked the inca trail, went paragliding, among other awesome things. plus, it was my first time in south america. oh, and was given a fake bill by my cabbie).

––

in august; shanno and i camped at wolfe island music festival, accidentally went on my first date with brendan, went to the kingston women's art festival, saw modest mouse at the ale house with beck, painted my bedroom, took a silkscreening class at made4you, and went on a roadtrip to ottawa with beck, took a pilates class.

––

in september; i paid off my osap loan, bought one of shari's paintings, join/started a book club.

––

in october; shannon came for a slumber party, we carved pumpkins, i had my first REAL date with brendan, my aunt and uncle came to visit from the UK, i gave tours of my cube to my fore-mentioned aunt + uncle, my mom, lyon, david + sue, i played poker at the house famous poker night.

––

in november; shanno and i went to the gan casino to celebrate the one year anniversary of my tattoo, brendan and i played squash, and i cut his hair, uncle bill died and we went to toronto to attend his funeral, went to a frontenac's game with rowan, combed out my dreads and got my hair chopped, we saw bruce cockburn at sydenham street united, began doing freelance design work.

––

in december; brendan came with me as my date to the bbd christmas party, and went with him to his work christmas party, i went to the torch relay where i watched my colleagues run with the torch, turned 30, had a birthday party at bren's house, lost my diva cup, bought a new one (on sale at tara natural foods), changed my nose ring to a hoop, went skating in bren's backyard. AND... made a new year's eve stew for brendan.

in compiling this list i discovered a sure did a heck of a lot of things. it's been fun. a good year for sure. when i think about where i was last year at this time, much has changed. things didn't turn out the way i expected – i didn't get to take that leave of absence for example – but i think things turned out much better, and i'm very grateful. i raise my glass to 2009... CHEERS!

OH i can,
oh i can.

clippers

i went skating this afternoon with the melles's. they live down the street from victoria park – where they skate often – but we skated in their backyard, in their on private rink. it was fun. i haven't skated in years, and aside from the fact that my skates are too small, i did pretty well! i used to skate all the time, we had our own backyard rink when we were kids. i dazzled brendan with my ability to do circles around and round and round. he filmed it and everything :p i grabbed an extra hockey stick and played a little with the boys, i wasn't too bad considering it was the first time i'd ever had one in my hand. i'm not sure if i'm a left-handed hockey player or if i just hold the stick wrong, but i made do. i was pretty good at getting it in the net, even if my stick handling could use some work. we stayed for dinner afterwards. it was yummy as usual :)

i'm feeling pretty crumby. i'm gonna drink some neocitran and get into bed. it sucks getting sick while on vacation. i was tempted to get some coldfx, but it'll probably be gone in a few days anyways. it gives me all the more reason to spend my holidays resting.

the only chore i got around to doing today was scrubbing my refrigerator. that's been way over due, and it looks really awesome. i honestly didn't realize that my fridge interior was white :S it's good to have that done.

we've come so far, it feels so real.
all this time, that we've waited for it.
and who we are, and where we're going to.
all this time, preparing for it.

bodum

my nose is runny. i always get sick after spending an extended period of time with my sister's kids. i should have been washing my hands more frequently. brendan keeps telling me "you're fine", i kind of like it went he tells me that. it's good to hear from time to time. however, i'm not sure if he's right. he keeps telling me that he avoids colds by sheer will power, and that i'll get sick if i concede. i'm don't know about that, but i suppose denial is something i haven't tried before, so it's worth a short.

last night we went out to the west end for dinner at nancy + gerry's place. i figured while we were out there i might as well run some errands. but in true lesley fashion i ran out of time and only made 4 of my 7 stops. i got up this morning and did the rest because they didn't necessarily HAVE to be done in that part of town. i really need to get a better handle on time. it's tricky. i've been enjoying this week off because i can get stuff done around the pad. i wonder how long i could putsy around my house for until i feel a need to get out and be active and participate with others. like, if i didn't have to work, could i contently do chores and run errands with little to no human interaction for a couple days? couple weeks? indefinitely?? a month of saturdays? a year of saturdays?? i dunno. i'm curious. it's an interesting thing to ponder when i'm not in that situation. for now it's very refreshing.

i should get back to my chores. my fridge is in rough shape.

if only they could turn around, they would know they weren't alone.

oops

i'm really enjoying my holidays. i've been doing next to nothing. b and i have continued to watch mad men, and took a long/amusing walk yesterday. i haven't really got much on the docket for today, i might be meeting up with buddy tonight or tomorrow. i'm gonna go get dressed and meet up with brendan at the goat at 3. he was asking me if i'm still going to go to the Y during my holidays, i haven't yet decided. typically in the past i've allowed myself the time off of the Y because i get to take walks and be more physical during my holidays, so it's less critical. plus, i'd like to not do anything out of obligation. so far it's been super.

i finished my mitts on saturday. when i finally sewed up the last one i was horrified to discover that something dreadfully went wrong and the one mitt was significantly longer than the other :S so frustrating!! but after i threw them in the wash you can hardly tell. i'm just relieved that i'm finished. i feel i need a project to renew my love of knitting. we're in a bit of a lull knitting and me. maybe a toque, or a camera case.

you know you've become too technology dependent when discover it's snowed after reading it on facebook instead of looking out the window right beside you :S

well i should probably go. i'd love to get some reading done at the goat. hope you're holiday has been good to!!

don't you believe the words of handsome men.

cigarettes

well... christmas has come and gone. it was enjoyable. on xmas eve my family came to next, then we all gathered at joy's place. we snacked, we played scattergories – which was quite entertaining. christmas day was good, but chaotic. the kids are old enough to really "get" christmas, and were quite caught up in it all. our present opening ceremony lasted a good 2 hours. it was fun though, minus the crazy antics of the kids (who i don't fault, but it's an adjustment). i got some really great gifts – a crockpot, the latest rock plaza central cd, "through painted deserts" by don miller, this totally awesome double potato masher, a couple other cool things. oh, and b gave me some nice chopsticks and a book about things to do for under 10 bucks. brendan's mom gave me one of his old paintings from when he was a kid. he was obsessed with the weather. he'd paint the page blue and just write on it "it's windy today", or paint it gray and say "it's cloudy today". it's really hilarious. in this particular picture it's a red person standing next to what looks like a palm tree and it says "this is me holding onto a tree on a windy day". it's really funny. joelle and caleb gave gifts this year, surprisingly my 4 year old nephew was a great gift giver and seemed to pick out really appropriate gifts. very fun. he gave me a kitten calendar because he knows i have cats, i thought that was very thoughtful of him :)

last night my mom and i were up until at least 1 am just talking. i lied on the couch with her, while she was tucked into her sleeping bag, and i told her stories, and she told me stories. i like that she's so accessible.

today has been nice. i hung out at the lorimer place, b and i watched the first season of mad men with his mom. bren and cas have been telling me about that show for a while and it's really fascinating. other than that we've done nothing, which is nice. i want this to be my holiday of no plans.

born to raise the sons of earth,
born to give them second birth.

delivery

beckie is a freakin' genius....

for many reasons really, but she's given me several tips about food and fitness, and it makes me think she's very clever. for example, she told me that when people eat, they let out a subconscious sigh that indicates when they're full. she told me to listen for the sigh and that way i won't over eat (i've been thinking that my portions are too big). the next day as i ate, i totally noticed the sigh! and then the next time, and the next time! it's really quite reliable :D she also advised me to only have snacks when my belly starts to grumble instead of when i think i feel hungry - i've become quite the snacker at work, so that was a helpful tip too. and lastly, she suggested at the Y on the treadmill i walk one minute, then jog one minute, and again i tried it and met with great success :D i've been feeling quite well over the last few days, not quite fit, but better, less bulky.

this last week of work before christmas is my favourite. hardly anyone comes to work and it's usually just me and about 4 other people. it's so great. the introvert in me is very gleeful by the lack of people. i get a lot done, i'm not stressed out at all, the atmosphere is relaxed and people seem more happy. a lot of my colleagues think i'm crazy for working up until christmas, i tell them i don't have any vacation days left, but truthfully... after 7 christmases like this... i really don't think i'd want to take these days off, it's a really easy week of work. plus, i wear jeans the whole time :) i like it, because i get all my files archived and ready for the new year. i kind of wind down the work year, so by the time i'm finished the week i'm in the holiday-headspace. it's wonderful.

usually, i get christmas eve off. on that first day of vacation i wrap gifts, bake cookies, pack my overnight bag, watch gone with the wind. but this year, xmas eve is a work day, so i'm going to have to do all that stuff tonight. i have a feeling it's going to be a late night. i'm looking forward to it though. it's exciting to see all my gifts laid out on the floor.

still no luck finding the diva cup. i'm going to have to bite the bullet and buy another one :S

our december sun is setting because i'm not who i used to be.

lazer

i lost my diva cup :S the thing that really annoys me about this is that either yesterday or the day before i thought "i might need my diva cup" so i took it off the hook it lives on and put it in my bag. now it's no where to be seen. i hate it when things aren't where i expect them to be, especially when there's no logical reason why it wouldn't be. i searched everywhere this morning, even in my lunch box, just in case i was crazy and put it in the wrong place. now i'm left having to decide if i should go buy a new one or wait to see if it'll turn up. i'm of two minds: 1) i've looked everywhere, and what seems to have happened is that it fell out of my bag someplace and it won't be retrievable. 2) it's in the one place i haven't checked but after i buy a new one it'll appear. also on one hand... i don't want to spend the money on something like that at this time of year expecially if my original one is just going to show up, but on the other hand it probably wouldn't hurt to have two (since this is not the first time i thought i'd lost it - a back-up would be nice, although not a necessity). tampons make me grumpy. especially when i KNOW i put my diva cup in my bag, i feel like i'm going bonkers!

haha, bonkers is a good word.

however... on the brightside... today is a new day. the knickers has gone, her reign of terror ended. emma is my new boss. and truly, this change couldn't have come soon enough. it's really at the point that knickers had to go, or i had to go. sadly, she left by first pushing all my buttons while being completely oblivious to the fact that she's just damaged our relationship beyond repair. that's quite sad really.

you say you think there's a traitor among us.

beautiful

i'm sitting here with my new nose ring in my nostril. while i was out with beck this afternoon (oh, beck arrived from the north today) i happened to notice some hoops at tribal voices for 2 dollars. i decided to give it a whirl. when i got home this evening i put it in, and i think i like it. beck likes it, so that's a good sign. i think i'll leave it in for a couple days to decide how i feel about it. i'm not gonna post a photo because i'd like to keep you all in suspense :p

being 30 has been busy.

i had a really great time at my party on thursday. i don't even know what to say, it was good and i'm thankful for everyone who could come out to see me, and for bren opening her home for the occasion.

i'm really glad that beckie is in town. i told her while we were at the brew pub tonight that i feel more normal with her here. she's an important friend for sure. i like how i can just be with her, she's so easy to be around. she's heading out late tomorrow and after spending christmas with her family, she's going to jamaica! that will be super fun, i'm glad for her.

it's odd that britany murphy died today, we were just talking about her.

i'm counting down the days until my christmas vacation. 4 more. the knickers will be in tomorrow morning then she's gone. she's being relocated to vancouver until april, then she's retiring. emma will be my new boss come 2010. i'm more then ready for the change. although, the year wouldn't be complete without my job security being threatened, so it seems that message of disaster arrived right one time :S i'll just roll with the punches and know everything will work out just fine regardless what happens.

i should go. i have a few emails to send and a futon to set up for my house guest.

though sometimes i stammer and mix up my grammar,
you get what my meanings are.

box of 30 things

this isn't one of mine, but it might as well be.

when i think of the way my life has unraveled i'm amazed by how thankful i am, and how my story is exactly the way i'd want to look back on it. how lucky am i!?!?!? pretty darn lucky i'd say. i'm lucky now too. my 30s are shaping up to be some kind of awesome.

it won't take much for me to show my life ain't over yet.

cupcakes

well nightfall is upon us. it's nearly midnight on my birthday eve. i'm going to have to wrap this up and get into bed asap. i can't bare to watch the clock change into the new day. i have to be all tucked in with my eyelids clenched tightly or i become very distressed (i've learned this over many years of experience).

i'm turning 30. it's something i've given much thought to over the last many years. ideas i had about turning 30, fears about turning 30, excitement about turning 30. and i can quite honestly say i feel pretty darn good about it. my 20s are so over for me. been there, done that. as i move forward into this new decade (both my 30s and the 20teens) i think of all that is to come. for certain this decade will hold many great and wonderful things – things that will make my heart swell with happiness. but because of the nature of life, it will also contain it's fair share of heartache – things that will hurt me, things that will hurt those i love, things that will break me. while the good times are glorious and lovely they are also a little more predictable. it's the tragedy that we will surprise us, bad news catches us off guard. i'm not afraid, but i'm not unaware either. i move forward with my eyes wide open, and i with live each step and ride each wave, and in the end of 2019 i will say "man, that was good. i'm ready... hit me again".

i do think one's 30s is a great decade. i'm looking forward to it. my 30s will be a lot like my 20s minus the student debt and anxiety of trying to get the hang of adulthood. i feel like there's going to be a lot of freedom – literary and emotionally.

this is what you hoped to say on your birthday.

itchy

sometimes i sneak up on your house then run away giggling when i see you thru the window sitting on the couch.

sometimes i like to watch judge judy. she's a straight-shooter. although, it's not her that i find most captivating. i'm amazed by the people who come on that show. no place else have i ever so clearly seen how insane women can be. on this evenings episode there was a guy saying that he did not want anything to do with this woman, and yet from her perspective they were dating. when he didn't respond to her texts she went to his house, and ended up breaking his bedroom window where he was sleeping at 1 am. he called the cops on her and yet she thought they were in a loving relationship. it was pretty funny really. in the after court interview he clearly stated he wanted nothing to do with her and had broken up with her in may. meanwhile she said "i don't know what happen, our relationship just gradually faded away in july". since she seemed so confused i spoke to her thru the television, i thought i'd clear things up with her by explaining "things faded away because he wanted nothing to do with you and had stopped returning your calls". sheesh, girls are gluttons for punishment.

i was surprised to discover that there is a town in maryland called "ladiesburg". i think i'd be stressed out if i lived there too.

i am more than content with the state of mind i am in.

bee's hive

in 1988, i sat in the kitchen of my family home eating spaghetti while my mom cleaned up. i can clearly remember that evening, there's a distinct image of it in my mind. what i find funny and disappointing is the night that i ate spaghetti my sister was down on bath road with my dad watching the torch relay. my dad had suggested we all go, but i wanted to eat my dinner so i stayed behind (and my mom had to stay with me). in hindsight i've kicked myself for being so in the moment that i was more interested in that pasta then a nationwide event. but i can't fault myself too much, i was 8 and didn't realize that the torch didn't come thru collins bay during every olympics. since hearing of the 2010 olympic torch relay i've been looking forward to going, partly to make up for missing it in '88.

as i mentioned earlier this year that i'd put my name into a company draw to be a torch bearer. i wasn't selected but three of my colleagues were. today was their run - in napanee. i asked the knickers for permission to go, she hummed and hawed (she doesn't like it when i'm unavailable to her), but eventually conceeded if i agreed to make up the time. so i went. i was there at 8:00 just like my colleagues suggested, and waited an hour in the cold with the finance department. it wasn't too bad, and there was a bathroom handy at the laundromat across the street. actually, when i came out of the laundromat i saw all sorts of decorated trucks and thought that i'd missed the big event, but it was just the truck dropping off jason at his starting point. phew! that would've defeated the purpose of going. anyways, it was really fun watching dan come up the street with the flame. he waved at everyone along the way - which is so typical of him. he's a really nice and friendly man, and it made me smile to see him in his element. he met jason right in front of our little crowd and they stood touching their torches together. everyone cheered and jason headed off for his leg of the relay. a lot of people ran along beside on the sidewalk. it was fun. i have to admit, i wasn't as blown away by the experience as the people around me, but it did warm my heart and i felt happy to have finally seen the torch relay.

one thing that really struck me while standing there in the cold waiting, was that everyone was trigger happy with their cameras. everyone had a camera and everyone wanted a photo with jason and the torch. what disappoints me about this is that i would've like everyone to just be together, happily expecting dan to arrive with the flame and us all focus together on the events taking place. there's something very bizarre about picture-taking. it's like life has suddenly turned into a photo-op and is no longer about living. we're so distracted by the lens that we don't fully live the moment. the best experiences are those that grasp us so intensely that we don't even think to grab a camera. it's those moments that we wish afterwards that we'd captured it in pixels, but at the time it never crossed our minds. in fact, i don't have any photos from my last two birthday parties for that exact reason, i was too busy being with people and enjoying their company.

you know, in some ways you're a lot like me.

unlimited

it was a busy and long sunday.

you know what i like? i like that b and i were both friends with andrew and shannon before we started dating. the four of us sat around in the house of amos kitchen yesterday dreaming up random questions for the "christmas in a bag" game we'd play that night at the living room christmas party. it's really fun and kind of special too. b and i ate plain white rice while the kieares had vegetarian feasts. i find this amusing.

that night (as i've fore mentioned) was the living room potluck christmas party. it went well and the game was fun. the gift exchange as usual was quite the mix of different gifts. we ate well and some drank egg nog. i actually hate egg nog so i didn't have any at all. that was our first christmas party of the night, our second was brendan's work party at the chien noir. upon arriving i immediately regretted not pressing him further on what would be appropriate attire. i'd forgotten that he wears the same thing to everything, and neglected to consider that perhaps it was more dressy then his usual get-up. i was EXTREMELY under dressed compared to the rest of my gender. and in fact, i was under dressed compared to a lot of the guys too. it was very bizarre, most of the guys had their hair styled with products. i haven't been around a group of mainstream peers in a really long time and i was almost baffled to realize they still exist. anyways, yes, i was just in my regular clothes, and in fact, i didn't even have any make-up on (i'd washed it off because my eyes were itchy and while i scratched them my mascara smudged all over). b felt sorry for me that i felt so uncomfortable in my outfit but it wasn't his fault. i don't think i took it as seriously as the other girls, so i didn't give it much fore-thought. if i had i would've been dressed more appropriately. oh well. regardless, we had a fine time. it was quite different to my work party in many ways. for one thing, the cops came, people were smoking up in the back, and they had a live band (ianspotting was playing). it turns out i went to college with one of brendan's favourite coworkers, and even before she and i pieced that together i'd told b that i recognized her from someplace. she's very nice, actually all his work friends are. anyways, we left around 11:30. it was fun. i'd never been someone's date to a work party before.

hmph. life is crazy. it's hard keeping up with everything and i wish i was able to blog with the same consistency - i'm really trying. i know i'll soon get into a new swing of things and that will be good. in the meantime, please bare with me. i know you will. you're good friends :)

 

i had a dream that i was three hundred pounds
and though i was very heavy,
i floated 'til i couldn't see the ground.

smoke detector

this morning shanno had me over for breakfast where we planned our trip to cuba. we got a really great deal at a really great hotel! it's really adorable, and i jumped around with glee. it's in a resort town called varadero. our hotel is made up of a bunch of small cottages right by the ocean – very cool. i looked up in lonely planet today that we can take a day trip to havana, that will be very fun. i'm SOOO excited. we're going the last week in february. so great! check this out.

later in the afternoon i went to the melles's where i hungout with skye and kieran for the rest of the day because bren, mike, rowan, and garry went to ottawa to see the sens play the hurricanes. it worked out really well and i had lots of fun with them. brendan joined us for dinner and played hide and seek with the kids while i read about tiger woods in mcleans magazine. they were really good and after they were in bed we watched "to kill a mockingbird" on b's laptop by the fire. we had a lovely time, and so did mike and bren – it was her birthday!

forgive me father,
but i'm falling in love and that's all i have for confession today.

vacuum

it was so windy at lunch today that walking outdoors was futile. i arrived at atousa's desk to let her know about the weather and she suggested we walk indoors. at first i had no idea what she was talking about, but she said she walks laps inside. the building is big enough so i thought "why not!". it turned out pretty good. we probably did a little less than 10 laps and walked for 20 minutes. it was quite tiring, and i worked up some heat. i thought it was a great idea, and am surprised no one else thought of it before. i bet it'll start a trend.

i feel like i accomplished a lot this evening. i got my drive clean etest done, bought my vehicle sticker, and got my christmas shopping started. i really like getting stuff off my back. i also had the pleasure of dinner with the melles's, always tastey and good conversation.

b is in a total trance at the moment. he's lying on the couch listening to blues music, totally absorbed. it's really fascinating. i like this about him. it's very cool.

apparently on a scale of one to ten, i'm a four when it comes to being mysterious. hmph. i had hoped i was more intriguing than that.

i'm a few bricks short of a load,
but a full load always hurt my back.

sibling-rivalry

inspite of the weather yesterday i went out for my lunchtime walk. i was the only one who braved the storm. i walked in snow 8 inches thick, which was difficult and slow going. i definitely got my heart-rate up. it was as though i was doing aquafit but in the snow instead. perhaps we could call it snofit. i managed to do one lap of the factory (i usually do 2) before giving up. freezing rain had begun and it felt like a thousand tiny knives on my face. why did i bother, you ask? well, because i've put on some weight - which i find very distressing. in my discouragement i remembered sarah's words from when she told me "if anyone can lose weight it's you" meaning that i've done it before, i can do it again. so i'm back on a workout regement. i walked at lunch and then went to the Y after work. i did 120 sit-ups, 15 minutes on the eliptical and a half hour on the treadmill. i felt pretty darn good about it too. unfortunately when i put my streetclothes back on my pants still felt too tight, but i reminded myself that i can't expect instant results. i'll keep up this routine 3 days a week - mon, wed, fri. it's probably best not to invite me to do anything before 6:30 on weeknights because for the next few months i'll have to decline. however i'll WANT to say yes, i'll be tempted to say yes, which is all the more reason that i'll need your help in not making plans for immediate after work. this morning when i woke up i felt good, everything felt a little bit tighter - excellent.

i've been working on my birthday/christmas list for my family. i've been a little hard-pressed to come up with gift ideas, and it makes me want to come up with really good stuff because i'll probably get what i asked for since my list is so short. the fact that i'm a little strapped for ideas has been neat, it just goes to show that i have everything i need. i have to admit, for years i felt resentment that i didn't get the same help as my contemporaries in setting up my home. a lot of the people around me had shower gifts, wedding gifts, house-warming gifts, and were given everything they needed. while i started from scratch and had hardly anything. but finally after 8 years of being on my own i've finally set up shop and i have everything i need/would've been given. i guess it just took a little longer. and actually, it feels pretty good knowing that by the time i get married i won't need anything and can have a gift-free wedding.

however, after yesterday's walking in the snow experience i would like a pair of snow-shoes. i might go to play-it-again sports and see if i can get a bargin on some.

i regret everything i raise my voice,
and it wouldn't be that bright of me to say i have no choice.

vests

i've come to quite like blogging in the morning. i dunno why, i guess it's just a nice start to the day.

the drive into work this morning was treacherous. it took me at least 45 minutes. i put on my winter-driving thinking cap and managed pretty well. that's quite an accomplishment because driving slowly does not come naturally to me. it's really neat though how driving less than 40 km/h, on a road that one usually drives at 110 km/h, can really increase one's control of a motor vehicle, thus remaining on the pavement instead of the ditch. as i drove i wondered to myself why the heck i was bothering - the roads were madness and i don't consider it worth the stress. however, now that i've arrived all is fine. the roads were ok until i hit collins bay. i was relieved too soon because i'd been pleased by how smooth the drive had been up until that point. once i crossed collins bay road the streets were no longer plowed and the path was not clearly marked from other cars. my trusty mojomobile sputtered and rumbled as it tried to make it's way up the big hill on taylor-kidd, and i found myself speaking words of encouragement like "it's ok" and "come on (you can do it)". i know it's just a car, and can neither hear what i'm saying nor respond in kind, but i think there's something to be said about recognizing that i'm not as in control of the car as i might think. sure, i'm operating it - steering and providing acceleration, but whether it stays on the road or not is generally a result of powers beyond myself. for the last half of my commute my heart was up in my throat and i maneuvered stiffly as i saw oncoming traffic every few seconds. i happened to notice heather driving in the car behind me and felt some comfort in knowing that she's a big person and could easily lift me from a snow bank in heroic fashion if need be. thankfully once i past county road 6 the roads were clear and i could exhale.

i'd be lying if i said it wasn't scary. i wondered if perhaps it would've been better to take bath road instead of taylor-kidd but i always have visions of fish-tailing and ending up in lake ontario. one would expect that having an SUV with 4-wheel drive i would be quite safe, but that's not entirely true - it just means i fish-tail with all 4 wheels instead of just 2. one of these years i'm going to invest in snow tires and that will probably improve my driving conditions. however, the mojomobile is significantly better than the batmobile. i happened to notice a little chevette stuck in a few inches of snow, and i was quite happy to have my tall CRV.

it seems the girls who live below me have tampered with the heat. last night it was -5 outside and my furnace didn't kick on at all. i think they've gone away for a few days. i've left them a note asking them to turn up the thermostat and reminded them that it heats the whole house. for the last 2 years it's been more hot than not in my house so it seems pretty obvious that they've tampered with the settings my landlord set it at.

sometimes brendan tells me that he's drinking apple juice in the kitchen while i work on logos in my bedroom. the next thing i know he has all my dishes done.

give me all your warmth,
give me all your smiles,
give me all the sunshine.

jam

upon hearing her kind words i promptly slipped down her stairs.

each morning i lie in bed much longer than i should, hitting the snooze button roughly 6 times. i have my clock radio tuned to a local station, i feel talk radio isn't enough to wake me, so i don't have it set on the cbc as i do my other radios. the station is hit and miss, sometimes it plays good songs, other times it plays trash (the trash motivates me to turn off the alarm and get out of bed). i've begun to notice that it's selection is limited, to the point that during the few minutes that i listen each morning, 9 days out of 10 will they play this one particular popular song. i consider this to my advantage because after hearing it so much i've come to really like it. sometimes i think "if i just lie here long enough i'm sure it will come on". then it does and i'm all like "ooOOHHh yaaaa.....". i don't know what it is, nor do i particularly care. it's half fun being right, and half fun getting to wake up to a song that i dig. this has happened before. i'm sure as the song fades in popularity it'll stop happening, but it'll start with a different song soon enough – this is not the first time this has happened.

i feel like i just lost my twitter virginity :S out of principle i didn't want to hop on the twitter bandwagon. unfortunately, bbd has joined (because social media is the way of the future. all i can think is "what kind of nerd wants to follow a train manufacturer THAT closely :S anyways) and they need me to provide a photo for the background. so i had to bite the bullet and go to the website to check out what the dimensions are and what i had to work with. i don't know any twitterers, so i ended up looking up oprah because i've heard that she tweets. if you folks have some feed suggestions i'd appreciate it because i'm pretty much walking blind here.

we are bound by symmetry.

sequin

every year i get dressed up and go to my work christmas party. it's always a good time, and it's nice to have something to dress to the nines for. the only down side is that i always go alone and have hoped that someday i'll have someone special to take with me. this year brendan came. it was very fun, and he did well socializing with all my colleagues – many of which are nearly 40 years older than him. marilyn and knickers couldn't make it so he only had the pleasure of meeting frank (well, he met other people too, but as far as significant workmates, he only got to meet frank). he really liked him though and told me that if he worked at bbd he'd be friends with frank too. i really like frank's wife rita, she's really fun and loud, they're a great couple.

over the last few weeks i've been planning brendan's outfit, and it turned out super good. he even wore some suspenders that are all paisley and awesome. they weren't really visible from under his vest but rita caught a glimpse of him and really liked them. she said the fact that they're not really seen makes them like a garter belt – "very sexy" :p my dress was less fancy than some of the other girls, but i liked it, it was unique because it's red, meanwhile everyone else was dressed in black.

i'd told brendan about my friend atousa who i go walking with at lunch time. she's larger than life and as soon as he met her he could see that i was not exaggerating. she's really funny, and VERY extroverted, she wanted for us to walk around to each table smoozing. it was quite the experience.

our food was good and drinks were free. atousa got me up dancing to "mony mony" by billy idol, which was followed by "rasputin". unfortunately she said that because she's persian she doesn't know how to dance so she was copying all my dance moves – this is unfortunate because i'm not a great dancer :S however, it was fun and she didn't know the difference. b sat out which was totally fine, i wouldn't make anyone dance if they didn't want to. however, "wonderful tonight" by eric clapton (who is a bit of an achilles heal for b) came on, so we did one slow dance (there weren't many, in fact that was the first of the evening). i'd requested a marvin gaye song, but it didn't come on by the time we left after 11.

b did very well, and i think it was interesting for my colleagues to see me with a man. some of the women would watch us with smiles on their faces. it turns out that my colleague francisco's new wife is the mother of b's friend mike from highschool. too funny. they had a nice chat about that because b and mike had just hungout last week! haha.

turned my whole world upside down.

rattail

i got the h1n1 vaccine this evening. my arm is feeling a little sore, but other than that it was ok. i'd heard it was an especially painful needle but it really wasn't. i uncharacteristically felt nervous about getting the shot, but once it was in my arm it was totally fine. i kept reminding myself that i'm very accustomed to needles and it would be fine. i used to get allergy shots, and at the beginning got them as frequently as twice a week. i'm kind of glad that i'm so familiar with them, i feel like it's a good skill to possess – getting needles without batting an eye.

i've concluded that i really like december. not because of christmas, and not because of my birthday. it's truly a good month. even the word december is aesthetically pleasing.

i had a lovely time at book/knitting club tonight, except i didn't actually do any knitting. i'm at a bit of a tricky spot and i really need to concentrate to get past it. however, it was fun getting together and swoping stories. michelle gave us really lovely mittens for christmas :) and the girls all really liked my hair which was nice because i was having some doubts about it today.

sometimes it's funny to read back over old emails from years and years ago. awesome.

fire in the taco bell.

translucent

sometimes by fluke my boyfriend eats dinner with my former best friend. sometimes these occasions involve cake & flowers, other times they debate natalie portman.

have you ever found yourself suddenly free from something you didn't want to do in the first place? does it leave you feeling completely elated?? that's how i'm feeling right now. a little piece of freelance logoing fell out of my lap last evening, and i can't remember when i last felt so relieved. i feel that i've learned a valuable lesson - that i should not agree to do things that will cause me stress and anxiety. it's amazing the difference in my heart and head now that i'm free from what felt like a massive burden. i know in reality it wasn't as big a stress other people deal with, but in this time and place it was more than i could bear, and suddenly everything else feels like soft and fluffy loveliness that i get to wrap myself in.

and to top it all off, my house is getting more and more tidy all the time. which is fantastic! last night i cleared off my chaotic desk!

i like it when other people can see happiness in me. that it's apparent and that it makes them happy to see :)

my face smells like mexico. i used the lotion from our swanky mexican hotel this morning and it's scent is transporting me back to a place and time when i shared a suite with 4 friends. incredibly fun times for sure. it's insane to think that was just this year. a LOT has happened since then, i sure know how to pack it in :D awesome. man, that was a great trip. great trip indeed.

your smile is a sweetener that really makes my day.

tweet

early yesterday evening i had some spare time on my hands so i decided to file a years worth of bills. i had a large stack of papers, some going back as far as summer 2007. i sat on my floor making piles and in the end was very pleased with myself. the reason why this is noteworthy is because i VOLUNTARILY filed papers. i actually had the spare time and the spare head space to spend on a menial task such as filing. i wasn't feeling stressed. i wasn't feeling pressure. i wasn't doing it because i had to. i had the room to breathe, to move around freely. and in that moment of freedom i chose to be productive. wow. i guess what struck me is that when i don't feel suffocated i can accomplish the same tasks as i would when i feel stressed, but it feels very different. i think the reason why i didn't feel stressed is because i had rest. not sleep specifically, but rest. when i'm well-rested life doesn't seem so hard.

when i was a kid i was really easy going. my family would always say "lesley will never get an ulcer". but as i got older something changed, perhaps i wasn't equipped to cope with difficulties. but i've become someone who gets overwhelmed easily. i wonder if that's just a result of unbalance. i want to strive to be more realistic. to plan in time for rest and unwinding. i think it will make me a better person. that being said, it's come to my attention that i am still pretty easy-going. when my feathers get ruffled i get pretty worked up, but by in large, not a lot ruffles my feathers. when i'm around a more uptight person i very easily slip into an easy-going role, which i like.

you get sweeter and sweeter,
in every possible way.

kaleidoscope

it was awful and hilarious at the same time. i'm amazed i'm not traumatized. perhaps i am more easy-going that most people, because i can guarantee that normal people wouldn't find it funny.

i've felt sick all day so brendan brought me some gingerale. it's probably helped, but it's hard to say. the only downside is that it has caffeine in it, so i'm a little bit wired. however, i'm going to get into bed anyways, even if i end up lying there awake for a bit. or..... i'll get into my pjs and watch late night tv til i fall asleep on the couch. that's a good option too. or the ever popular... curl up into a ball while listening to music activity. that's a favourite of mine as well.

tomorrow is the first of december, which means my birthday is upon me. i have mixed feelings about this. thankfully the only thing that actually changes is the number. i do have anxiety surrounding birthdays, but on the bright side i'm really no older on my birthday than i am the day before. the funny thing is that once the number clicks over to a new one i'm gleeful and never look back. so bearing that in mind, i plow forward planning my birthday celebration, and know that it'll be special and enjoyable :)

it starts to rain outside
in our phone booth we hide
it doesn't let up until 5
squished together we don't mind.

bathtub

my e-toothbrush is busted :( it was a hand-me-down from my dad two years ago after i had 8 cavities. it seems the motor isn't working anymore. i hate it. for a while i was brushing with it turned on and it would eventually start spinning, but that doesn't seem to be working anymore. i'm gonna see if i can buy a new one on ebay or something. i don't want a battery charged one, so i'll just look online.

i think you're my new hero. i'm gonna email you in the morning to tell you just how wonderful you are, i actually don't know if i can thank you enough. indeed an answer to my unsaid prayers.

i'm trying to be more intentional about taking sunday as a day of rest. hence the reason why i slaved away last night on those logos until the wee hours. it meant i had all day to just rest. so brendan and i went down to the goat for lunch, we got a seat right by the window, then came home and watched a movie. it was nice.

we were talking today about how we both have names that are regularly mispronounced. i get called leZley a lot, and he gets brAndOn :S it's been hard enough living my own life with a mispronounable name, now i have a partner who's name gets mispronounced all the time too. i think i'll need to get up the courage to start correcting people on his behalf, and he can start correcting people on my behalf. it's a little easier when i'm not being anal for my own sake. apparently his mom used to be bothered when he was a kid and he wouldn't correct people. it's not really in his nature, nor is it in mine. but considering it bothers both of us, we should speak up.

we've got these chains that hang around our necks,
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.

rooftops

for the last 5 years or so i have had a "no logo" policy. basically, i've turned down all requests for logos because they cause me too much anxiety and stress. unfortunately i recanted on that policy during the last month and i'm hugely regretting that decision. i HATE logos, and honestly, life is too short, and my spare time too limited to spend it belly-aching over these stupid logos. i wish i had a time machine so i could go back and decline the request.

this afternoon i took a break from my frustrating design work and went down to the goat with shannon. on our way we stopped at camera kingston so she could get some passport photos. the guy who served us was very peculiar, it seems he may have been showing off for us – either than or he was stoned. when i told shanno i'd join her in the back where the photo is taken he followed behind us muttering to himself "it's a party and everyone is invited. except for me, i never get invited to parties...". this left us inwardly giggly and that made it extra hard for her to keep a straight face for her photo. in the end i had to leave the room.

we were at the goat for over 2 hours. we arrived 1 minute late for lunch, so once again i had to do without the flying burrito that i've been craving for over a month now. shannon brought her computer so we could scope out travel packages to cuba, but instead we looked thru her old photos of her and andrew. they were hilarious and i wanted to see them all. it's amazing to think they've been together for 5 years. amazing :D

i need to learn to hold my tongue and not say harsh things. i'm always joking but my delivery is so dead-pan that people don't realize i'm kidding. that bothers me, and it has for a while. i need to change. sometimes being sincere makes me feel vulnerable, and that's alarming. it's disconcerting to discover the many layers of protection i have up, it's like i'm surrounded by an emotional berlin wall. i suppose that can take years to deconstruct.

am i the only one who gets to make you laugh,
laugh until you cry?

minivans

this evening i went to the potter's guild christmas sale with melissa. she wanted to pick up a nice big mug, and i wanted to join her. while we were there we saw many lovely pieces of pottery, but what caught my eye was a milk jug. it was very lovely and i thought it would look fantastic in my refrigerator, so i bought it. it's kind of heavy because it's made of clay, but that's only an issue because i'm used to a crappy plastic jug from the dollar store. what i found interesting about it is that it's done by this woman named patty petkovich, which apparently means she's my favourite kingston potter because i've subconsciously purchased a number of her pieces before (tea bag, tea cup). i'm quite pleased with my purchase. i feel that pouring milk has never been so good.

it was great to see lissa. we haven't had the chance to connect much recently. busy lives and all, but it was really great and kind of grounding. we went to sipps afterwards, i like that place – that coffee bar, it makes me feel so fancy.

i needed to come and be near you.

slugs

when i was 11 years old i began youth group at my church. it was a 7 year venture that was a significant experience for me. when i entered youth group, two new youth leaders joined as well, their names were mim and ron. they had two young girls, who i would eventually babysit with frequency and are in fact my favourite girls out of all the kids i babysat. those two sisters paralleled joy and i quite a lot, the oldest was like joy, the youngest was like me. 14 years went by, and as the youngest of the two girls started at a new school she met an egotistical guitarist, who she eventually became close friends with. this said guitarist became a regular fixture in mim and ron's home until their daughter moved to ottawa and he moved into the house famous.

mim and ron recently learned of brendan and my new relationship thru the grapevine (aka my big-mouth sister) and they immediately wanted to have us over for dinner to grill us with questions. b and i were a little apprehensive as we drove there in the rain, but he kept telling me it was going to be one of those memorable experiences that we'll look back on and say "remember that time we had dinner with mim+ron??" dinner was lovely and the questions were manageable, although at times challenging. they like to interview young couples, i'm not certain as to why, but it's their thing. mim kept commenting about how much b's changed since those days. he's definitely not egotistical anymore, but i kind of like that he used to be :p

for a few brief minutes today i thought i forgot my lunch at home - that was very frustrating. i became agitated with myself and started going thru the inconvenience in my head as i walked to my car hoping to find my lunch box on the passenger seat. i was much relieved to find it, i didn't like the direction things were going.

the internet was down at work both yesterday and today. i was surprised at their tardy response, but it turned out it was an isolated incident and only myself a few others were affected. all is resolved now.

an eyeball. a table. a tune. a tear. and a tie. they are our secrets to have and to hold.

now that i smile,
now that i'm laughing even deeper inside.
now that i see,
now that i finally found the one thing i denied.
it's now i know, do i stay or do i go?
and it is finally i decide,
that i'm leaving in the fairest of the seasons.

abstract

my design consultation went fine last night. then afterwards i had enough time to get all my wednesday night stuff done, so i'm ahead of schedule - this is good. i take immense pleasure in scratching things off my to-do list. i'm also really enjoying having a tidy house. it feels so much bigger when it's tidy. hopefully i'll keep it this way for a while. i feel so much peace of mind when i accomplish stuff, i hate that looming "i have things to do" feeling. since i'm on such a role i'll try to accomplish a few more things today :)

i keep forgetting to put my nightguard in before bed, which is kind of odd because i'd gotten so used to it that for a while i couldn't sleep without it. i think it acted a little like a pacifier - or a "sous" as we call them in my family. my mouth hasn't been hurting as much, but i think i'm less stressed these days so that probably accounts for that. however, i did accidentally spend a lot of money on that stupid mouth guard so i would like to use it, if only to get my money's worth out of it.

i've started thinking forward to my upcoming birthday, and specifically about my birthday party. i've made a list of guests, but i think my list is greater than my apartment's capacity so i'm going to have to whittle it down a little. that's kind of disappointing, but i really need to be reasonable about this. there's also the other complicated factor that brendan is a boy, and traditionally my birthday party has been a 'girls only' event (due to space restrictions). however, i'll have to make an exception in this case, it would be nice to have him there so he can meet all of my friends. that being said, my guest list had 18 people on it, and i really need to find a way to bring it down to 12-15 :S that's hard for me because i like to be inclusive, but i have limited space and i can't just invite EVERYONE. oh well. regardless i'm looking forward to it, i've already started buying snacky foods for the big THREE-OH party! wooo!

is it just me, or does it feel like november has FLOWN by??

i like touching my scalp. my hair is so soft and i can put my fingers right thru it. very nice. the only weird thing is that i feel quite "normal" again, i liked being a little different it seemed to match me. t'is ok, i'll make up for my normality in other ways.

i'd kinda like to be the president
so i can show you how your money's spent.

rooibos

no one noticed my new hairdo at first when i arrived at work. but once one person did, word spread and i found myself surrounded and there were people telling me to stand up so they can get a better look. it was quite surprising, i didn't expect that kind of response. everyone really liked it, and i was told by 2 people that it made me look younger.

in other work news, atousa told me that when she first started at BBD she saw me in the cafeteria and wanted to come and talk to me but her colleague told her not. she asked him why, he told her "i just wouldn't", again she asked why and said "is she bad?", he made a face that implied kind of then said "she doesn't talk to anyone". that made me laugh. it's amazing the conclusions people come to. when i first started at bombardier i was 23, there was NO ONE my age, and the girls closest to me in age were alienating, so i just ate by myself, and i was ok with that. i've been walking with atousa at lunch. i feel a little shy and part of me would prefer just hanging out alone as usual, but it's probably good for me to be stretched.

i slaved away on the maxi-pad last night to make it somewhat presentable. i have a lady coming over this evening for some design consultation. i'm a little nervous but feel that most of my nerves are due to having a stranger in my house. i'm subconsciously afraid that she'll see a messy nook or a little dirt someplace and interpret me as "unprofessional". i'm trying to figure out if it's better to talk with her in the kitchen or the living room. so many things to consider. at least i got the pad cleaned-up. when brendan arrived last evening i said to him "did you notice anything?" and quickly he told me "it's much cleaner in here" :S he is the tidy one between the two of us, and the cooker, and the dishwasher. i was feeling a little unsure of what qualities i have offer our relationship that equals his, he suggested that i'm much more interesting and better looking than he is. hm, that didn't really cut it for me (too abstract and subjective), so we thus concluded that i have my driver's licence and good credit.

if i don't got my socks on right
they slide right off of my feet
as i walk

angsty

i had all these grand designs for my evening. i planned to get a bunch of housework done after i got home from living room. but instead i think i'll get into bed early and enjoy the reality of lights out before bedtime. that almost never happens. my chores will still be waiting for me tomorrow. they're not going anywhere.

i've been pleasantly surprised. it's really special when you can get to know someone new and discover who they really are. i'm enjoying getting to know her. people are such amazing complicated people and i never cease to be amazed by them. i'm shy, and sometimes being around people is draining, but it's always worth it. i'm so glad i don't just live in my default setting, because if i did i'd probably never leave this house or meet anyone new, and that would be a tragedy. i actually did that for 2 months while i lived in toronto, my housemates were in the states for training and i was on my own. it was a bizarre experience, but most definitely showed me what i'd do with myself if i didn't try or push.

in the world of a girl, the words she hears they mean an awful lot.

pinnacle

yesterday i spent about 4 more hours combing out my dreads. brendan even helped me with the last few. i was done by 2:30 and i made a hair appointment for the following hour. putting my hair into a ponytail before heading out felt bizarre, it was tiny and my hair was so thin – quite the change from my dreads :S there will be things i miss for sure. i got my hair cut to above my shoulders. it feels really soft and light compared to before. it's CRAZY! i'm not used to having my hair this short AT ALL! when i was finished i left the salon at the mall and tried to find brendan, he'd disappeared. i stood there for a good 5 minutes thinking "i lost brendan lorimer at the mall. i lost BRENDAN LORIMER at the mall!!" that's totally insane! when i finally spotted him he came up the stairs and told me "you look amazing" :)

that evening we went to a kyra+tully/jenn grant concert at sydenham street united. it was packed. i got some shocked responses about my hair, it was fun. the concert itself was great, bruce cockburn was a special guest, and he actually played a few of his own songs by himself. b and i agreed that seeing bruce cockburn play "lovers in a dangersous time" was an intense highlight of the day – it doesn't get much better than that. bren m was there too and she's a huge bruce cockburn fan, actually she used the work "fanatic" and told use she's seen him in concert a good 15 times. very cool.

the moment i saw her i felt panicked. i didn't know what to do. we had a very brief interaction, which was actually quite good and a little healing. i do love her, and i genuinely like her. i'm hoping it won't be much longer.

i'm gonna go hop in the shower. the lady used the flat iron on my hair and it's all flat. i want to see what it looks like normal. i'd hoped for something more edgy, but i still like it. next time i get it trimmed i can be more specific. i didn't have a good photo to work with to explain to her what i wanted. i'll post a photo soon. i fell asleep last night after the concert and didn't get a chance to write all about my day.

these fragile bodies of touch and taste.

----------------------------------------------
addendum:

i've washed my hair. i like it much better now.
less business woman, more funkadelic :)

keg

mayelin, yurel, and i waited 4.5 hours to see a 2 hour movie. we saw new moon. i've never been to a big movie like that on opening night before, it was MADNESS! an experience nonetheless. thankfully time moved quickly. it kind of reminded me of waiting for a plane. yurel was kind enough to line up outside in the waiting line so we could get decent seats while mayelin and i sat in the warm indoors. man, the things guys will do for the girls they love :)

it made for a long day. i left at 7:30 this morning and didn't get home until 1 tonight. i WOULD feel tired but i had some caffeine to keep me awake. i'm debating going to bed or staying up to comb my hair more. i've got to finish up tomorrow because i'm getting my hair cut!!!!!! woo-hoo!

it makes me laugh when she makes snarky comments on my facebook wall.

i wish it was tomorrow already. sometimes having to go to sleep is annoying. i'm much too excited for the new day to fall asleep.

she's at the movies, i'm on the phone.

question....

my mom thinks my boyfriend should be my first priority over my friends. i don't agree with her, at least not at this stage in the relationship. i don't always trust my mom's perspective on these things, so i was wondering if you could give me your input. what do you think????

 

can't be friends and lovers be separate priorities??

retina

i woke this morning grumpy and frustrated....

i've put on weight and i feel huge, chunky, and my clothes don't fit right. my house is in chaos, and it overwhelms me. my hair still has 11 dreads in it and i desperately just want it done so i can cut my hair. i have a slice on my thumb where my comb dug into it two nights ago, which made it hard to undread my hair last night. i haven't been able to keep in touch with everyone via email as much lately - which i hate. i have a ton of stuff i need to do, and no time to do it. and so on and so forth, i was indeed building a case for misery.

however, i realized as i got ready for work that i'm pmsing, which probably accounts for SOME (but not much) of the weight gain. in my frustration and discouragement i got thinking about this, that, and the other thing, until i stopped myself and said "there's no point in getting upset about this. you're pmsing, suck it up and it'll be ok". i realized picking a fight with brendan is not going to help (so i won't), feeling resentment towards my job and activities is misdirected (so i won't). trying to cancel all my plans so i can run away from my obligations is unwise and not actually what i want (so i won't). panicking about my weight is unproductive (so i won't). i thought to myself "this is what the current day holds for me. what can i do today to make this situation better". so i had a glass of water before breakfast as a weight loss tactic. i put on comfortable clothes. i counted my dreads to remind myself that i'm nearly done and a saturday hair appointment is still possible. i disregarded a conversation i'd had while i was half asleep and reminded myself that i'm a master word-twister when i'm feeling demented and what i had interpreted really wasn't what was said. i've set aside some time on the weekend to tidy the pad, and have decided to strip my bed and remake it more comfortably so i can get a good night's rest. i'll just need to priorities the rest. i'm glad that i didn't allow myself to fall down the spiral staircase of despair due to pms. AND BEST THING OF ALL... i got to work on time :)

it's gonna be ok. it's gonna be ok. it's gonna be ok.

i wonder why i bother,
so much controlled by so few.

meteor shower

this is a photo of my dad's family taken on the day my parents got married. i think it's the only photo of all six of them in existence. it goes youngest to oldest from left to right. my dad is the second on the right, the one next to my aunt june. i think he's the most handsome in the lot, and he looks super happy too :)

it turns out that my uncle bill (third from the right, beside my dad) died at the same hospital as he was born in. the first thing i thought when i heard that was "that's so typical of uncle bill". he lived within blocks of himself his entire life. he didn't leave toronto for 25 years. he was a man who lived in the familiar and therefore died in the familiar too. incredible. the circle of life.

yesterday at the reception my aunt joan said to me "do you have dreadlocks in your hair?!?!". i'd tried brushing out a few more on the way there and had the rest mostly hidden in my bun. when i explained that i was combing them out i mentioned i was surprised that she noticed them. she said "i'm jamaican!", true, she would notice them.

on the drive home i told my dad "well... you get a 6 out of 10 for behaviour, but a 10 out of 10 for effort". he said "thank you miss magoog, when do i get my ice cream?" :D

i know you're out there waiting for an answer i can't give you.

gwilliamsbury

we drove up to toronto first thing this morning for the funeral of my uncle bill. my dad made it clear that he was going in protest, but we applauding him for going. we stood by him as guardians, providing him inaudible support. as we entered the large catholic church we searched the crowd for familiar faces, and located them all in the front pews. hugs were given, greetings, tears, and smiles.

we took our place behind katie – my sister, me, then my dad on the end of the row beside the centre aisle. my uncle rick came forward in his priestly garb with the alter boys who carried a crucifix. (my uncle rick is a roman catholic priest. he was the first married catholic priest in canada in the 1980s. which is kind of strange because they were not raised catholic and only he and bill became catholic in their later years, so the service was foreign to the rest of the family). as uncle rick bowed to the lit candle my dad leaned over to me and said "this is for the birds, i'm leaving". i scolded him and forced him to switch places with me so he couldn't quickly escape. so he sat between joy and me – it reminded me of when we were kids when my mom and dad would sit between me and joy at church to keep us out of mischief. the roles have reversed. he pouted like a big baby thru the entire service, when we repeatedly stood and sat we had to drag him to his feet and hush him when he whispered loudly. his hearing is quite poor so he couldn't hear a word rick was saying, and missed the part in the homily when uncle rick referenced him – how george had introduced them to c.s. lewis when they were kids. eventually joy pulled out a piece of paper and began playing x's and o's with him, we wrote notes and i told him "if you're good we'll buy you an ice cream cone" – that seemed to do the trick, it was pretty funny. we wished the service made more reference to uncle bill, he was hardly mentioned even though the service was being officiated by his own brother. however, we are glad that we went, i feel it honoured my uncle and my family, and it was a huge support to my dad, i know he couldn't have done it without us. i'm quite certain that anyone who saw us would know that we are two girls who love their dad. at the reception my dad put his arm around me and said "thanks for coming. i love you", i told him "no problem dad, i love you too".

my dad's side of the family is quite dysfunctional, but in spite of that i quite like everyone individually. i find them quite overwhelming as a group, and there's been some awkwardness between us and them since they kind of kicked us out of the family and asked us to stop coming to the family reunions. as bad as that's been, there's no love lost between us, it was always hard going to family functions without my dad anyways. one thing i noticed about today was that it almost seemed normal to be there without uncle bill, because he was the first brother to be excommunicated. it's messy. however, in spite of all that, it was quite a pleasure to see my uncles, aunts, and cousins. people i haven't seen since i moved home from toronto in 2002. it was amazing to see my cousins grown into men, and i had the opportunity to meet my aunt june's daughters (after june died in the 70's they lost touch with the mcknights, i always knew they existed but knew nothing of them). i've changed a lot too since the last time i saw my family, i suspect they will have noticed my conversation skills have improved drastically. after the service we drove up to new market to uncle rick's place for a small reception. my cousin peter (who's my uncle bill's youngest son. peter is a month older than me, and always the cousin i looked most like, but not anymore. however, my dad said he now looks exactly like my grandad) is a well-known chef in toronto, and he prepared a bunch of food for the get-together.

mcknights are a funny bred. strange yet passionate people. they love deeply, and have a fire in their soul. when i was growing up i was always fascinated by my dad and his 4 brothers – how could 5 people be so alike and yet so different. they have a very distinct look, dark hair, small almond shape eyes, all roughly the same height (although, my dad was the tallest of the brothers at 5'9"). they were what made me want to have a big family, i was amazed at the combinations that can result from just two people, and the community they can create. but having a ton of kids is a young person sport, so i've adjusted my expectations to something more reasonable. joy and i agree that out of all the brothers, our dad is our favourite.

well, i could keep talking, it was a compact day. a lot lived and experience in one road trip – but i can talk more about it later, and i probably will. it just feels good to get even this much off my chest.

i've got to push on thru.

armpits

it was my first time at a hockey game. i was given free frontenac tickets thru work for my stint on the united way committee, so i invited rowan to go with me. he is a hockey whiz and i enjoyed his company. he was really good – just watched the game and occasionally answered my questions. i seriously thought he was completely adorable.

the hockey culture is something i've never experienced before and found it all quite fascinating. within the first few minutes a fight broke out right in front of us. punches thrown, helmets flying off. immediately i felt an urge to somehow protect rowan from the violence – to shield him or take him away from it. however it hit me that he watches hockey all the time and he's highly accustomed to it – it's just me who found it shocking, so then i felt better. it's insane! if we'd been walking down the street and a fight broke out in front of us i'd react the same way, and yet fighting in hockey in normal and encouraged. i was surprised that the crowd burst into cheers and the older gray-haired ladies would ring their cowbells. they're just a bunch of adrenaline-charge teenaged boys hopped up on testosterone with anger management issues. i'm still kind of stunned by it, but eventually got a little used to it.

the game progressed and it was quite interesting. i learned while watching the game that a whole lot can happen in 10 seconds. which was neat. in the last minute the visiting team pulled their goalie and it made for a very exciting end to the game. the final score was 4-3 for the fronts.

i'd have to say that goalies are my favourite players, they're very trippy.

on the whole hockey is fascinating, it's on ICE, they use SKATES, and HOCKEY STICKS!?!?!? that's really complex! amazing!

i concluded that i really enjoyed myself but that hockey isn't unlike the casino (for me). something i don't mind doing occasionally or fully understand the draw to, but find the experience incredibly fascinating. in a way i'm more interested in how the hockey players feel while playing their sport, what the game means to them, etc.

my face was my mask.

ziplock

today i got it into my head that i could comb out my dreads (per the instructions i found online), get a fresh haircut, and show up at brendan's show for 8 – surprising him and everyone else with my smooth straight locks. unfortunately, after 5 hours it became clear that that plan was flawed and it'll probably be a week before i comb them all out. my scalp is sore, not from the combing and tugging, just from having dreads for 10 months, but i've gotta tell ya... putting my fingers thru my hair felt like a 1000 bux. my scalp is in serious need of some lovin', it has that "i've been wearing a pony-tail too long" feeling. i have all the front and top ones out, my guess is that i'm 1/3 of the way (i have 24 to go, and i can't imagine i've done more than 12 – i wish i'd counted them). it's a funny look, it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "business in the front, party in the back". when b showed up and saw my silky straight locks he said "wow" – i think that's a good sign :)

so we headed down to the show brendan was playing at the artel. for the most part its very easy to forget that i am significantly older than him, aside from the logistics of it it never crosses my mind because he's so seasoned. however, upon entering the artel i suddenly found myself among his peers and it hit me "man i'm old!". it never comes up because i always see him among MY peers, he's really unusual and jives with people older than him – it's been said "he has an old soul".

anyways, so there he was,
on stage with the rest of graven, and as he begins to play his resonator guitar i'm once again struck by how talented he is. like, i'm fully aware that he's a talented guitarist, but when i hear him play it hits me fresh each time. in fact, i was so overcome that i wanted to vomit (in a good way). when i hear him play i'm reminded that he's not just some normal guy, it's amazing. i say this at risk of sounding like that typical groupie girl that fawns over the nearest guitarist. i'm not that girl and he's not that guitarist. bren m would back me up on this because i know she likes to see him play too, and mike says he channels "slowhand".

speaking of the melles...
our game of trivial pursuit was kind of slow and the trivia was circa 1981, but we enjoyed each other's company immensely. the melles won fair and square, but brendan and i gave them a run for their money that's for certain.

i'm not finished yet,
i've got a little left in me.

homage

i may or may not have mentioned this before, but i'm afraid of worms. i have been for as long as i can remember. i learned quickly as a child not to tell my classmates of my phobia because the boys took advantage of rainy days and would pick up worms and chance me around with them. when i was in grade seven, the bus stop was across the street from my house (in fact, i stood at that bus stop with thomas peters for 8 years - we never said a word to each other. we're far more friendly now). on one rainy day at the bus stop, as i steeped onto the bus, i noticed the girl in front of me had a worm crawling up the back of her pant leg. i was horrified, but i didn't speak up because i was so creeped out and that girl was kind of mean to me. i sat silently on the bus looking out the window, feeling quite disconcerted when i happened to overhear someone point out the worm to the girl and her reacting to the discovering. for the rest of the day there was a thin muddy line up her pant leg left behind by the worm.

as a tween, my fear expanded to caterpillars. i won't get into why, because that's a story in itself, but the hairier the more frightening. i would opt to walk around a caterpillar by a good 3 feet than step over one.

this lunch time as i walked i noticed an inch worm, and i found it quite cute. i concluded that inch worms are the only Caterpillar i am not afraid of because they are green and non-threatening.

this evening the irish and the melles' are duking it out in a battle of wits. who will win in this game of trivial pursuit?? one can't say. they have a 15-20 year advantage, but we are nerdy, my partner-in-crime even more so than i am, so we might stand a chance. personally i think it's a good sign that the first question i read last night (after buying the game at value village) was about eric clapton. we may be fated to win. i'll keep you posted.

she don't know what she don't know.

hydro

i just got word from my mom that my uncle bill died. he was one of my dad's younger brothers. there were 6 in total (plus 3 half-siblings who were quite a bit older). it went like this... (the only sister) june, george, bill, len, rick, and glen. my dad is george. my dad and his brothers had a unique bond while growing up, a connection that cannot fully be understood by those outside. unfortunately, it's the kind of thing that doesn't always translate well into adulthood and in the last 20 years distance has grown between them. when joy and i were in our early teens, my dad would take us to toronto for a week once or twice a year, we'd stay with my uncle bill and his wife adrienna (she was his second wife, and still to this day i don't think of her as my aunt. she was loud and italian, she liked to over feed us), during those years we got to know my uncle bill quite well. he was a hard man with a soft side. he could make us laugh and also cringe. the thing that stands out to me the most was his ability to bear a grudge, and what made me instantly sad when i heard of his death was the realization that he died without resolution. he's been estranged from his children for the better half of their lives. he's never met his grandchildren. no one should die that way.

i'm worried about my dad, the way he'll feel to hear that his younger brother had a heart-attack at 62. his brother who was healthy and fit aside from his high-strung nature. i hope he can find it in himself to mourn. he showed no emotion when his mother died, but this is different, its his little brother; who he played with, and fought with, and fought beside. in spite of the fact that that group of former ragamuffins have been disjointed for years, they still existed together although apart. there is a break in the chain, a hole where there was none before.

it never occured to me that this could happen, and much less that it would. phone calls are being made, plans for a possible trip to TO for the funeral. it's a little unorganized because we don't know what we're doing. we have no protocol for such ocassions. with a family like mine, that's so unpredictable it's hard to know what's kosher. what the right thing to do is, who's in and who's out. who you might offend by doing this, that, or the other thing.

i'm sad for her, for him, for them. it makes me sad to think that people allow their lives to go on with unfinished business. life changes suddenly, in irrevocable ways. i'm thankful for the reconciliation that's taken place in my own life. i hope they will be redeemed. that goodness will flow out of this sad and lonely situation.

i don't want cycle or recycle revenge.

asphalt

i don't believe we live in a black+white world. it makes me sad when people paint it that way. there are no easy answers, if there were we'd be living in those easy solutions. but the earth is a mixed up and complicated place, full of many shades of gray and grace. how can you see it so bleakly? how can you look at one situation or another and believe it to be completely 1-dimensional? i don't know what to say, because i'm not going to argue. there's no way of making other people see what they can't.

the sun set while i was in the grocery store tonight. it feels weird. it's like i don't even remember the darkness from previous years. it makes early evening feel like bedtime. oh well, it will start to get lighter again in a little over a month.

i really do like variety. even if my need for change is not daily, i do need subtle variety from the regular. it's good, it keeps things clicking and spicy.

ferrence and i were reading about lettuce on wikipedia today. we discovered that eating lettuce in iraq is considered a taboo. the world is a funny place. i'm quite grateful for the humour of it all.

walking through a paper town
counting all the reasons to burn the others down.

kleenex

sometimes girls eat coleslaw late at night with a side of grated cheese instead of doing their dishes.

sometimes in order to save my cat from certain death i feed her soft food, then it stinks up my kitchen.

bren and i have been talking recently about how life has a way of bring along just what you need/want if you wait long enough. she used the example of needing a new backpack for her kid, and specifically wanted a MEC bag because they're good quality, but she kept putting it off, and before she got the chance to go to their website to order one, she found one at a garage sale for something like 2 bux. i know that's nothing grand or meaningful, it's just a backpack, but it's a good reminder that sometimes it's more a question of when as opposed to a question of if. this has led to big questions in my mind. and the one i keep going back to is "what do we do in the meantime?". i know in the past i've belly ached and whined about stuff, and at other times i've pulled up my bootstraps and made the most of the "meantime". the meantime can be scary, because there's no certainty that things will for sure work out. i actually think that the "meantime" is worst part, because waiting doesn't come naturally to me without a distraction. from now on i kind of want to ask you all to ask me next time i'm worried or anxious "what if it all works out?", if nothing else it will make me think.

YAY! HURRAY! YAY! HURRAY! YAY! HURRAY! YAY! HURRAY! YAY! HURRAY! YAY! HURRAY! shanno and i are going to cuba! i would like to thank the house famous... God the creator of cuba... my beautifully bearded boyfriend... shanno's mama + papa... and most of all shanno, for making this trip possible :D hurray! par•tay!

holiday...
celebrate...
if we took a holiday,
took some time to celebrate,
just one day out of life,
it would be, it would be so nice.

diphthong

i think the motor in my electric toothbrush is dying :S it feels weird brushing my teeth with stationary bristles.

i've come to the realization that the more time i spend with brendan the more i'll talk about him on pspd. that bothers me a little, because i imagine people saying "oh my goodness, i wish she'd shut up about him already" but the reality is that as i talk about my life, i talk about the people i spend my life with. so i hope you'll be gracious and instead of finding it annoying, and you'll just recognize it as a natural thing to do.

that being said...

brendan and i played squash this afternoon at the YMCA. it was his first time, i've played repeatedly but i've never been very good. however, we played really well today. we didn't keep score but we volleyed back and forth for ages many times. i'm proud of us! it was very fun. i'm sure if we keep practicing we'll eventually play a real game.

on our way home we dropped by bren(DA)'s place and borrowed her hair clippers so we could cut brendan's hair. it was really fun. i've never used clippers before. we used my rain poncho from the inca trail as a hairdressing muumuu and put a towel around his neck like at a real barber shop. his hair looks really good too, i like it that short. when i took off the guard to do his neck i didn't know how to do that part properly and made a bit of a mistake behind his ear. he looked at me a little panicked and asked if i had a mirror so he could see what i was doing. he was very good about it, and i promised to never do it again. he showed me how to do it properly, then i started on the other side of his head. unfortunately, i clipped a little bit too close again, he stifled his agitation, but got over it quickly. phew! i appreciated his understanding. i'm pretty sure he'll permit me to do it again, wait... let me ask him... the answer is yes. it was fun :D

i cut his hair myself one night,
a pair of dull scissors in the yellow light,
and he told me that i'd done alright,
and kissed me 'til the mornin' light.

godfather

it was one year ago today that the black star of secret significance found its resting place on the inner wrist of my left hand.

to commemorate the occasion, shanno and i went to the casino in gan. we each had 10 dollars and after having a free beverage from the drink stand we set off to find a machine with a lever to pull.

before leaving, shanno's housemate brendan, gave us a lucky disc and letter of good fortune for us to keep on our bodies. he pretty much promised us a new million-dollar lifestyle. it quickly became apparent that the disc was a ploy, instead of good luck it robbed us of success. even after we rubbed it on one of the slot machines and i kissed it, we still lost :S the most i won was $1.50, it was exciting while it lasted, i flapped my hands around with delight. last time i left with an extra 30 bux in my pocket, so i'm certain that disc was a ruse. we hate that cd. we had pretty crappy luck, one machine most definitely mugged me.

the casino is a fascinating place to be. it's also really sad. the way people mindlessly sit there hitting the same button over and over. the way they fork over hundreds of dollars for one round of roulette. the way the sharps container in the bathroom was half-full in plain sight. the casino is full of really mixed up people. one of the things that amazes me is that they look pretty normal, most of them baby-boomers, and not unsimilar to my parents. but my parents don't gamble. i'm so puzzled by these people, i would love to research them, to interview them, to get some kind of understanding of their story and why they do what they do. it's not life-giving, it's life-sucking.

the security guard didn't believe me that my id was actually mine. when i handed it to him he said "you've got to be kidding me", i offered to take off my glasses, he accepted, then after further scrutinizing my face he permitted my entry.

i've really enjoyed my tattoo. it's crazy to think it's been a year. it's been fun. when i think back i'm so happy that shannon came with me when i got it.

i thought i would know what to do when the time came,
i was wrong, i didn't know anything at all.

bloody nose

i'm SO EXCITED!!!! joy's having another baby girl!!! i'm partly thrilled about this because that was my guess. for years i thought my sister was going to have one girl and 3 boys. so far i'd been right with my guesses, my track-record was perfect, and i was quite certain she'd have that 3rd boy when the time came. but from the moment i heard she was having a baby i knew it was a girl. it's really fun having magical powers :D AND having another little girl in the family will be awesome. hurray! i've been eagerly anticipating this news all week.

so it turns out that b and i originate in the same small town in ireland on the paternal side of our families. when i looked up ballymena on wikipedia today i discovered it has 28,700 residents. it's a really small town. but what's extra crazy is that in the late 1800s when my ancestors came to canada the population of that small town was 8,000 people. our families were probably neighbours, frig, we're probably related! hahaha. we've lived parallel lives, so much so that he wasn't even surprised to hear our heritage was the same too.

it's hilarious the number of people who've commented on the bird crap on my car.

i look at the floor and i see it need sweeping.

peanuts

i nearly ran him over with my car yesterday. an old friend. i thought it was ironic and wondered afterwards if he recognized me, i hoped he hadn't, but if he did it would explain why he looked away so quickly. i was kind of tempted to hit the gas, just for old times sake.

i did a lot more talking than i had anticipated. my ability to carry a conversation has saved me on multiple occasions. i really don't know how i would manage without it. afterwards i giggled in a red bathroom, looking myself in the mirror like i was sharing an inside joke with myself. at times i am grateful that i'm my own constant companion, and that my reflection is like an old friend who i can look in the eye knowingly. it was a kodak moment.

you're sweet company.

tree

i'm quitting yoga.

yogi master dennis is no longer the instructor and i don't like the new person. actually, i quite like her as an individual, but i don't like the style of yoga she teaches. i was bored out of my head, for the second time with her, and found myself watching the clock the whole time ("it's only 8:00! we still have 45 minutes of this! argh!"). i really wanted to bolt, i have too many other things i enjoy doing to endure a class that i'm NOT enjoying. but i bit my lip and went thru the motions, while firmly deciding never to go back. well... maybe in january, apparently she's just an interim instructor until the new year. so instead i'll keep doing pilates and treadmill on mondays, and probably pick up some treadmill on wednesdays right after work.

someone has moved into the cubicle closest to me. that's where angela our summer student used to sit, she was quiet and listened to her ipod all day. but this new neighbour joins in my conversations with my colleagues from where she's sitting, which just confirms to me that she listens in on ALL my chats. that bothers me a lot. my mom called me at the end of the work day, and we were having a private convo, and the whole time i was thinking about how the lady was probably listening. it was really irritating. unfortunately, my mom's phone was crappy and quite frequently she'd say "hello? hello? i can't hear you", so i'd have to shield the mouthpiece as i spoke into it to muffle my voice. hm. oh well, i do like her, she's a nice lady. i guess i'll get used to it.

i was feeling concerned about the week ahead. it was going to be busy and i thought i'd loose steam and not be able to accomplish everything. but thankfully i got things juggled fairly well and i have a free evening to be at home and work on the probono design work i have on the go. i'm determined to attain and maintain balance in my life. it just seems like i'll need to be conscious of it, it won't naturally happen.

we like you because you're cute and young.